This teaching certainly applies to the marriage relationship as well: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." ~ Matthew 7:3-5
I am about to be divorced after 39 years I love her more Then ever but it’s not mutul anymore she has asked fore seperation first I am desperat to know how I Can turn her around 😒
Most people get married because they marry whoever happens to be in their life when they are ready to marry-that person may not be the right match for them. Think about who you are having children with-that person will be in your life forever. I made both of these mistakes and I’ve suffered for many years-it never ends-especially with children.
I think the biggest issue is people date and marry others who don't share their same morals and values. If you value your peace and quiet, dont marry someone who needs attention. If you value sexual connection, dont marry someone with a low sex drive. If you want children in the future, don't marry someone who doesn't (and don't pretend you don't want kids just to keep the relationship in hopes they'll change their mind). If you find frequent drinking immoral, dont marry someone who likes to go to the bar or club for fun. Or if you like partying (responsibly) dont marry someone who finds that immoral because eventually they will hold contempt for you. They say opposites attract, but opposites also resent in the end.
yeah that's good until your autonomy leads you to do things that are not fitting or alright with your partner, such as men think it's fine to flirt when married because it fulfills that need for having lots of women while being committed to one. that doesn't sit too well with their wife because she is afraid he will stray, which sadly to say a lot do when they flirt because someone who seems better to them always comes along. when you've been married 25 yrs your wife is not going to hang on every word you say like some twenty something that wants your wife's life will. she doesn't want you Jack, she wants what you can give her in the divorce lol
It's not easy to live with another person every day. You may be compatible in many ways, but there are still other things you clash with. Friends and family relationships are more lasting because they don't live with you. With that said, it helps to get away for a few days every now then do things to recharge and nourish our individuality.
I have been married for 35 years to my husband. Our greatest strength has been that we both have a relationship with God. God is my strength, and the true source of my happiness. I don’t expect other people ( including my husband) to be my source of happiness. I have a Friend and Father who helps me, and fulfills me. I won my husband by love, and now he adores me. I hope you all find God’s love! It is BETTER than human love.❤️
@@JoeMcDonaldsplenty of people have long lasting and loving relationships and they don't beleive in God. It seems rather judgemental to say real love can only be between two people via god. Love is love. Unless your definition of God is "love" and no religious notions are attached to that concept.. though I imagine for many the idea of God has many religious notions tied to it. It shouldn't be seen as something superior
Yes!!! But I must say there’s one other b sides yerself: JESUS! The good Shepherd + u r his precious lil lamb. You’ve ALWAYS BEEN PERFECTLY LOVED!!!! He came to gather us into His arms bc He didn’t want heaven w/o us. He wrote the check to pay our debt + signed it IN HIS BLOOD
I,m fed up with myself. Painful, frustrating, disappointing. I need to say that I have always seeked therapy, i got diagnosed with bipolar 2 recently, added to that a severe anxiety disorder and a shitty attachment style. i'd love to have a much better life environment, make friends, give and recieve love . Basically distract myself from myself. I do not bother myself with negative, tiresome and toxic people. i think my reply has nothing to do with the comment you posted....😑
Sharing and generosity are key factors in relationships. We expect that one person to be everything. What a high pedestal to be on. This therapist is spot on!
Respect is very important in the beginning, when person is nice and other person has short temper , live trust has to be there ! If you find 60% in some one , looking for 40% percent then you will never find someone perfect ! Relationships are hard you have to make them work! Nothing easy!
there is no such thing as perfection, what would be the definition ? I am a gemini we don't expect perfection we expect humanity , that means as a gemini you accept others for being HUMAN
I think this session is so awesome because she talked about childhood traumas and damaged family background; I was raised in a loving family-not perfect until 13; my life turned into a nightmare when I lost my parents and siblings; ended up in a stranger land as a foreigner, a foster kid in the US had crippled and traumatized me until this day; I have issues with abandonments, rejections, abuse, neglects, trust, connections, etc. 40 plus years later, I still fear of being closed to anyone; having partner relation is out of the question until I work my issues out.
Hope u r doing a little bit better now, Kimberly. Soooo sorry u went thru all that!!! And yet…You’ve always been perfectly loved…. By the Father (u r NOT AN ORPHAN!), the Son + the Holy Spirit. I wish I cd give u a BIG HUG from Portland, OR. W/God there is no distance, actually 😊😊
Kimberly I can understand what you have been through. Please consider treatment for complicated Post-traumatic stress disorder. Breathing exercises and somatic sessions can help you a great deal. When humans face a set of traumas without healing, our nervous system becomes dis-regulated. May Allah heal you and guide you. All the best.
Wow, I'm so sorry you have suffered so much. I pray you find peace of mind and strength and joy and happiness and anything you need in your life. God Bless you ❤
As Esther says, the relationship we have (or had) with our parents plays a fundamental role in our adult intimate relationships. That's certainly true for me. Growing up, I experienced virtually no love from both my parents. It was all about them and their needs and how I had to behave so that they were happy or not upset. My intimate relationships went in the same direction. I've ended up stuck in the expectation and belief that people are only interested in getting something from me and couldn't care less about my welfare or needs.
This is really resonating with me…I tend to nurture and in a way, kind of melt into who my person is. And then, I slowly become resentful of the person sucking up my time and energy. I am 47, divorced 3 times, and just now figuring this out…😳
The biggest obstacle in love and relationships is connection, and we idealize the idea of there being "the mythical One.". We want too much from one person only. No one person can be all that all the time. I was married, I did al the "right" things, I was "The Nice Girl" sacrifice over and over, became the caregiver to two men who entirely depended too much on me. Over and over I was overwhelmed and had my own needs never being met. Both of the men, passed on. So I am alone again, but I also can have freedom, and it's scary. I'm constantly being told you have to do this, you need this. All these roles are too much for one person. That is why it's so hard.
My Children All say they will not marry. I need to share this with them, because it’s so true about wanting our partners to be everything in one. I believe we love different people for different reasons.
I had it all for 21 years, at first it was difficult but we worked it out. It was mostly Heaven! He has been dead 3 years. And yet I hope to have another love at age 80!!!
I love Ester Perel I have learned so much in her online interviews. My advice at 60yrs old, my first and last marriage lasted for 21 yrs to a man who had mental and physical health issues that surfaced after 5 yrs. I knew he had physical issues but not mental issues. I was a caregiver for most of the marriage, and I also found out that the arrangement for me was emotionally draining. So I date only men that understand why I will never marry again and that I date based on my various interests at the time. I love my freedom and peace more than being in a marital arrangement that is more about ownership than living free. I have a fun, interesting life everyday mostly. I love my life because it is my life!
Yes, me too… I Call it “Solitudinous Bliss.” Part of my own simple life is the surety that my true unfailing relationship is w/my Dear Friend + kind Good Shepherd, Jesus: unchanging love, a free gift There is a plan that I am a part of right now, + it’s my privilege to take part. The end times bring an urgency and a deep meaning to my days! Also, “She who laughs…LASTS!”☺️🤪😄
It's great that it works for you. For me such a relationship is not enough on emotional level. This comes to understanding that we all have different needs and you need to find yourself a partner that has the same basic needs. Most people fall in love and try to force their needs and expectations to a person who doesn't have the same basic needs. And it will be doomed in the long run. For me an emotional relationship is all or nothing. I really feel my partner "owns" me. Not literally, but every day I choose to be hers and it feels good. It took me a long time to find such things and I'm really convinced that people just don't know what to expect from their own partner. I'd say expect all you need! Be picky! Choose wisely! I now got all i want and need and it really really feels great.
Thank you Dr. Hyman. What a treasure. Esther Perel is brilliant!! I had absolutely no models, examples of health in relationships . This was a gift of wisdom from an expert not to be forgotten!! Thanks again Dr. Hyman and Esther Perel.
I love her. I wish she was around when I was married. She’s so strong and insightful. Usually Mark talks over guests all the time but he doesn’t with her. He can feel her power.
make sure to truly love yourself, and be complete all by yourself., be you, and make sure you know who that other person really is. also be happy being alone its the greatest teacher in life. when you know what love truly is then life will bring that special person in your life. also its better to be alone then be in a miserable relationship.
My husband of 40 years died 10 years ago. Our marriage lasted because we were supportive of one another's happiness. We did not try to control one another and we each had hobbies and friends and things we did separately. I always knew I had a great husband but didn't realize how lucky I was until I lost him.
To be in a fully functional relationship we need to know who we want and why we want them. Also, I believe we all need to get counseling or do some deep soul searching.
Don't forget that circumstances and spouses change. So who you want and why will change too. The marriages that last usually eliminate unnecessary changes.
All of my attachment and past habits in 1 hour. I wish UA-cam therapy existed in my early 20s ... Would've changed my life. I don't know why but although I have no prospects right now and I'm feeling down about relationships, watching her videos makes me feel hopeful. I don't know why maybe it's her beautiful voice or just her intelligence but I feel a sense of that we're all going through the same thing, that there is hope with adjustments and looking inward instead of just looking outward. I don't know I just felt hopeful! Thank you so much Esther Even though I could never afford a one-on-one with you, you post these wonderful videos❤
Sometimes men want a new woman that is half his age then finds out they have nothing in common. The depth of a relationship cannot thrive if the wisdom level doesn’t match.
@@withusbae5749 Yup. I am 57. Lots of lessons learned. However, life has changed since I posed that and I am starting a new career and moving. No time for dating but I have found a new passion that will be keeping me busy!!
So much wisdom in this interview, thank you! You're so right that marriages that end don't need to viewed in a binary way as failure. Think about what actually lasts a lifetime in our lives. Do jobs, friendships, even relationships with our own relatives? Very, very few things are able to last a lifetime. If you're one of those lucky few, that's great - and know that you are lucky. For the rest of us, we have to muddle through as best we can (and make ourselves open to luck).
Add into the equation childhood or adult traumas, mental illness and just the general complexity of our individual human experience and you have an even more daunting task. I love the idea that a relationship ending is not a failure. Thank you!
I think a relationship ending is a failure. Unless it's a friendship , sometimes one outgrows people. Partner relationships however, are for emotional and financial security. They are a lifelong investments and particularly if one has children with them it's not good to end the relationship if salvageable. The point is to find community and meaning outside of your intimate relationship.
@@juliettailor1616 As a working psychotherapist I disagree with your reasoning. You sound like a slave to convention who is clinging to age old values when men were the providers and women were home-makers. Even your use of language belongs to that long outdated thinking, eg that you would describe a relationship as "salvageable". Ships wrecks are salvageable. If a relationship needs to be seen as a wreck then it has already run its course. The deep problems like resentment, lack of communication, indifference, and animosity exist not because a relationship needs to be salvaged, but because two people have remained together after the point when the relationship had already run its course.
@@helenaville5939 you are a psychotherapist?! That's appalling because your style of debate is unacceptable. "Slave to convention" "clinging to age old values" "outdated thinking". I said if a marriage was salvageable. Meaning that there are times when people go through difficult times and those are the times, particularly women, opt for divorce. Marriage is a partnership. BOTH partners should provide financial and emotional security and both should do work in the home unless either party, male or female choses to stay home and raise children because that is a full time job. Marriage is for the children. Studies show that a childhood adverse affect is losing a parent either by death or divorce and you should know that. The skyrocketing rate of divorce is due to many factors (lack of family and state support in raising children, lack of emotional and career fulfillment outside the marriage, getting married to people to quickly and with whom you don't share core values etc.) not because a relationship has "run its course". That's absurd. You don't get into a friendship or marriage until it has "run its course".
I am so tired of ”a relationship lasting” being the main goal in life! A relationship can be wonderful while it lasts and that isnt ”wiped out” just because it ran its course and ended. And sometimes finally having the strength to force the moment to its crisis (TS Eliot) and end a long long relationship that no longer serves anyone is true bravery!
That is what I did a few months ago after 12 years of relationship with ups and downs. It didn"t serve us anymore. Frustration increased and I just didn't want to lose the respect for my partner and my dignity because of bearing the burden of fixing the relationship due to commitment. I am single now and although I enjoy my freedom, there are moments when I regret the separation for reasons of familiarity over the years. There was an investment of tlme and engagement to support the other"s growth. Nevertheless, I won"t miss my experiences for good and for bad. Time to say goodbye.
Thank you so much. I just did this - ended a relationship with a man I thought I’d be with forever because I didn’t like who we were becoming together. Was having second thoughts. Your words made them stop. 🙏
Different people have different needs. I have a partner that feels like I feel, we want and need the one and only. And it works. We of course have other people in our lives too but still we are all in one and wouldn't have it any other way. Only way to have as meaningful relationship as we really want and need.
Cant find a good shrink anymore because they all want to be on the internet. Still they can't solve your problems. Only tell you to look at from a different angle. Thanks Ester.
In my experience she knows her stuff Cause marriage can be good for a long time But when that mid life enters it shit starts to fly all what u suppressed and did not work within resurfaces and makes navigation to the next cycle so hard That’s when it blows up
I think that relationship are like a dress or a trouser one likes very much, and wear it all the time. It gets dirty and you have to wash it and iron it regularly, you mend it when you need to. And human nature likes new things all the time and as soon as the decay factor sets in, you are off looking for new thrills and loves. Same with careers and you have to regularly renew yourself from within to keep up with the ever increasing demands and challenges.
Healthy relationship: I am responsible for my own happiness and unhappiness. Unhealthy relationship: My partner is responsible for my happiness and unhappiness.
Or the marriage breaks up simply when the man desires a younger woman. My last 4 year relationship ended because of those expectations, the list becomes longer and longer. First it’s just let’s be together have fun , support each other, be intimate partners in life. Intimacy stayed the same but then the list of all the things that he needed to make him happy grew very long. He claimed he just wanted a lover and a best friend confidant…But I then found out he wanted a mother too, a cleaner a cook a dishwasher, someone to give much attention to ALL of his needs. I have no interest in being anyone’s mother that’s when I lose interest and passion wanes. It takes time for men to show their true self and expectations. I suppose women too.
Men who want a mother, a mother doesn't sex with her son. Such unrealistic expectation ; then they wonder why they can't get some from their partner. Go figure 🙄
Yes , we always want intimacy. There is nothing wrong with that, the essence of any healthy relationship and is what connects us with others and nothing wrong about having with many people as well. What is wrong is comparing them and putting them in a hierarchical position list, creating the illusion of one being better than the other.
This is a great session. I loved the equation of “autonomy with a deep sense of belonging”. That is brilliant IF it can be maintained ethically. The observation I have is this leaves wiggle room to act on temptations and that basically comes down to a person’s character. And one’s ability to attract other options. It seems that a less exciting sparkling relationship is the trade off for safety and security. In my experience.
I didn't criticise him. We weren't defensive. We didn't stonewall. He was a good person but his parents had broken him unintentionally. I communicated a lot what I need and how I feel like. He accepted but never could do it. Never felt it's necessary. So I gradually got more distant and it broke up. Certain ppl need therapy or you need to be like a mother/father ro them and just give with no expectations, otherwise it will not work. I couldn't do that
Relationships end because men base it on how a woman looks - she get wrinkles, gains weight - they will find a younger one and cheat or leave. So It's transactional or one person is trying to use another person for looks, sexual benefits etc. It's not sustainable anyway. People are wrong saying that it is based on love, it's based on lust.
When I worked in family and estate law, it was sad to see how many long term marriages had ended due to affairs/new marriages that didn’t work out either. People alone in their golden years because they didn’t think they would age out of being able to retain younger partners. What isn’t discussed much is the divorce rate increases for 2nd, 3rd marriages.
Its interesting that she says that when couples have issues they talk to no one. I'm not married and from a younger generation. I think we don't talk to other because sometimes counselors enforce their own ideas of what should be in a relationship instead of seeing where the couple really is and helping them understand each other better. It's sounds like this lady really does this. It's making me think about myself and what has shaped my perception of relationship and marriage. My parents divorced, I'm a woman and I was raised by my single dad. Honestly, I could see why they divorced before watching this but her explanations made a lot of sense. I'm going to check out her game. I think also people are afraid of being vulnerable an open because there is a fear that others would use it against them or them poorly of them in some way. I think people carry this is relationships which is way they fail and why no one tells anyone when they are struggling until after they have made the decision to dissolve the relationship.
Thank you for this amazing interview🙏🧡 So many takeaways and wisdom based on beautiful expertise of two professionals but also amazing human beings.Again thanks to both of you 🙏✨️
Life, love and relationships are not as easy as doing a Math problem. For eg, 1+1=2. In our contemporary society, we need to first figure out who we are, what we want from life, the qualities we want in a partner, if we really want a serious relationship or a fling etc. We also must have a firm spiritual foundation as men and always seek to improve ourself. To be hone
Such great wisdom by Esther. I’ve read all her books. I recommend reading “How we love.” by Yerovick to help figure out why you’re making the decisions you make in your relationships.
Incredible conversation. Very uplifting and empowering to hear Esther talk about relationships. I want to encourage to change the title of this video - because the title feels disempowering towards relationships. Just a thought 🌾
I bring karma into the discussion which expands the equation. This brings past lives into the mix which explains why we are who we are: our temperaments, our personalities, who we we meet in our lives. This perspective brings a deeper meaning to this discussion and can explain many mysteries in relationships. If I did not understand karma it would be be easier to feel a victim in life. I believe that relationships are often the catalyst that offers the opportunity for inner growth. Instead of pointing the finger we must have the courage to look at ourselves and ask the hard questions.
Wife and I had a tight bond until she was talked into buying a jetski , now we can't do anything together anymore 20 years strong and the last 2 years not that good , I have mobility issues and can't be out in the heat too long, I do depend on her she is my caregiver
mutual empathy is the way to openness and honesty which you can find in open relationships because openness and honesty is seen as more important than infidelity if that were the case with monogamous relationships that would also work but it doesnt seem that way
I’m pro-marriage, but I’ve come to the conclusion over the years that I am a great boyfriend, but not a very good husband. Not sure why I seem to have a better spirit, motivation, and happiness when I’m a boyfriend.
Amazing interview but interviewer does not need to keep saying “aha” “yeah” etc. he also needs to pause and listen more once she gives an answer and go with the flow of the interview.
But there is the fact that there is abuse and violence. No person deserves that. Every person deserves happiness and should be able to make those choices in life.
You keep doing this because your most fundamental basic and most powerful need is for adult attachment and bonding with a " special " other .... , not my wisdom but that of Sue Johnson in her book " Hold me Tight " ..... why not invite her for a talk , she is brilliant and very entertaining as well . All the best 👍
I am 12 years alone because I could not stand the pain of the breakups anymore. I thought that I am ready tot try again and I thought I do some research before I start dating again. But after watching this video I feel it is hopeless, I better stay alone.
When you say I do before God. You should stay faithful till death do you part. My Ex is a very toxic alcoholic lying cheat. He had many affairs! I was faithful. It was a one sided marriage.
My ex now has the perfect marriage. She was married to me for 26 years and were were divorced 18 years ago. She finally remarried to a 80 year old lawyer. They set some rules: 1. No sex. 2. Separate bedrooms with separate ensuite bathrooms. 3. She cooks breakfast. He cooks dinner. 4. He has to continue working because the money is too good, so she does not have to, but does anyway. 5. He can do what he likes every second weekend, and what she wants on the other. 6. Whoever dies first gets everything. The kids will have to wait until they both go, to inherit.
I've watched A LOT of Perrell's videos/interviews and so funny when you noticed almost all of the interviewers always talked wayyyyy more than her. It's cool to see how people can open up to her, but also its funny to see how much we overthink, overspoken, and just don't listen. If i were with her i would literally shut up and just let her talk whatever she wants lol
Most relationships don't last because most people focus more on their partner's faults than their own.
Great point.
Don't forget homewreckers. They are young, old, married, or single. Homewreckers are the most determined category, in my opinion.
I agree that that is a large part and even worse when you don't communicate your needs and fight over the things that go unsaid.
@annabanzon313
This teaching certainly applies to the marriage relationship as well:
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?
You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."
~ Matthew 7:3-5
We have been have married for 40 years, I love her more than ever now.
Beautiful.
Because you don't love her for who she was but who she is. Same.
I am divorced and wish I was like you….
But we just didn’t love each other anymore.
I am about to be divorced after 39 years I love her more Then ever but it’s not mutul anymore she has asked fore seperation first I am desperat to know how I Can turn her around 😒
❤
Most people get married because they marry whoever happens to be in their life when they are ready to marry-that person may not be the right match for them.
Think about who you are having children with-that person will be in your life forever. I made both of these mistakes and I’ve suffered for many years-it never ends-especially with children.
I think the biggest issue is people date and marry others who don't share their same morals and values. If you value your peace and quiet, dont marry someone who needs attention. If you value sexual connection, dont marry someone with a low sex drive. If you want children in the future, don't marry someone who doesn't (and don't pretend you don't want kids just to keep the relationship in hopes they'll change their mind). If you find frequent drinking immoral, dont marry someone who likes to go to the bar or club for fun. Or if you like partying (responsibly) dont marry someone who finds that immoral because eventually they will hold contempt for you. They say opposites attract, but opposites also resent in the end.
very true. It's called compatilibity. And Jordan Peterson speaks about it. Totally agree.
Indeed
Very well said👍💯
Yep am the living witness…struggling with too different moral values…his and mine!
V true compatibility is the biggest issue. Just marry someone similar to u
“A degree of autonomy matched with a deep sense of belonging “ Insightful.
yeah that's good until your autonomy leads you to do things that are not fitting or alright with your partner, such as men think it's fine to flirt when married because it fulfills that need for having lots of women while being committed to one. that doesn't sit too well with their wife because she is afraid he will stray, which sadly to say a lot do when they flirt because someone who seems better to them always comes along. when you've been married 25 yrs your wife is not going to hang on every word you say like some twenty something that wants your wife's life will. she doesn't want you Jack, she wants what you can give her in the divorce lol
Happiness is not the goal. It is a by product of purpose.
Knowing and loving yourself teaches you what you want , what you dont want and how you want to be LOVED 🤗
It's not easy to live with another person every day. You may be compatible in many ways, but there are still other things you clash with. Friends and family relationships are more lasting because they don't live with you. With that said, it helps to get away for a few days every now then do things to recharge and nourish our individuality.
😊😊
Riding Motorcycles does that 🙂
I have been married for 35 years to my husband. Our greatest strength has been that we both have a relationship with God. God is my strength, and the true source of my happiness. I don’t expect other people ( including my husband) to be my source of happiness. I have a Friend and Father who helps me, and fulfills me. I won my husband by love, and now he adores me.
I hope you all find God’s love! It is BETTER than human love.❤️
Yes
Only REAL LOVE can maintain such a long relationship, and that can only be obtained through God's Love!
Only REAL LOVE can maintain such a long relationship, and that can only be obtained through God's Love!
@@JoeMcDonaldsplenty of people have long lasting and loving relationships and they don't beleive in God. It seems rather judgemental to say real love can only be between two people via god. Love is love. Unless your definition of God is "love" and no religious notions are attached to that concept.. though I imagine for many the idea of God has many religious notions tied to it. It shouldn't be seen as something superior
❤️❤️❤️
"It's a perfect match until it is not." I learned this a while ago. Great info here. Don't take decades to learn.
Focus on the one relationship that’s with you all your life… YOU.
be true to yourself in every aspect or meaning
Yes!!! But I must say there’s one other b sides yerself: JESUS! The good Shepherd + u r his precious lil lamb. You’ve ALWAYS BEEN PERFECTLY LOVED!!!! He came to gather us into His arms bc He didn’t want heaven w/o us. He wrote the check to pay our debt + signed it IN HIS BLOOD
I,m fed up with myself. Painful, frustrating, disappointing. I need to say that I have always seeked therapy, i got diagnosed with bipolar 2 recently, added to that a severe anxiety disorder and a shitty attachment style.
i'd love to have a much better life environment, make friends, give and recieve love . Basically distract myself from myself. I do not bother myself with negative, tiresome and toxic people.
i think my reply has nothing to do with the comment you posted....😑
Sharing and generosity are key factors in relationships. We expect that one person to be everything. What a high pedestal to be on. This therapist is spot on!
Nice to see Dr. Mark allowing yourself to be transparent with the audience.
Respect is very important in the beginning, when person is nice and other person has short temper , live trust has to be there ! If you find 60% in some one , looking for 40% percent then you will never find someone perfect ! Relationships are hard you have to make them work! Nothing easy!
there is no such thing as perfection, what would be the definition ? I am a gemini we don't expect perfection we expect humanity , that means as a gemini you accept others for being HUMAN
I think this session is so awesome because she talked about childhood traumas and damaged family background; I was raised in a loving family-not perfect until 13; my life turned into a nightmare when I lost my parents and siblings; ended up in a stranger land as a foreigner, a foster kid in the US had crippled and traumatized me until this day; I have issues with abandonments, rejections, abuse, neglects, trust, connections, etc. 40 plus years later, I still fear of being closed to anyone; having partner relation is out of the question until I work my issues out.
Run to Jesus, cling to Jesus… and live. He knows all about it + cried w/you the whole time. He understands. He heals. He cares…
❤ 🙏
Hope u r doing a little bit better now, Kimberly. Soooo sorry u went thru all that!!! And yet…You’ve always been perfectly loved…. By the Father (u r NOT AN ORPHAN!), the Son + the Holy Spirit. I wish I cd give u a BIG HUG from Portland, OR. W/God there is no distance, actually 😊😊
Kimberly I can understand what you have been through. Please consider treatment for complicated Post-traumatic stress disorder. Breathing exercises and somatic sessions can help you a great deal. When humans face a set of traumas without healing, our nervous system becomes dis-regulated. May Allah heal you and guide you. All the best.
Wow, I'm so sorry you have suffered so much. I pray you find peace of mind and strength and joy and happiness and anything you need in your life. God Bless you ❤
As Esther says, the relationship we have (or had) with our parents plays a fundamental role in our adult intimate relationships. That's certainly true for me. Growing up, I experienced virtually no love from both my parents. It was all about them and their needs and how I had to behave so that they were happy or not upset. My intimate relationships went in the same direction. I've ended up stuck in the expectation and belief that people are only interested in getting something from me and couldn't care less about my welfare or needs.
She seems to be a **wonderful therapist - inspired, resourceful, dexterous, present. -Appreciate listening to her. Good choice, Mark.
❤😢😮❤😅😮🎉❤❤❤❤ 19:00 ❤e😢😢❤😅😢1b🎉❤😅❤😮😢😂❤
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Connection --- independence
Togetherness --- individuality
This is really resonating with me…I tend to nurture and in a way, kind of melt into who my person is. And then, I slowly become resentful of the person sucking up my time and energy. I am 47, divorced 3 times, and just now figuring this out…😳
Better late than never 🫡🤗
@@NBnNCTrue! OP should look into attachment theory, borderline personality disorder, and codependency (CODA) ❤
Same!!!😉
It’s never too late to discover ourselves🥰
Good Lord!!! 3xs ???
The biggest obstacle in love and relationships is connection, and we idealize the idea of there being "the mythical One.". We want too much from one person only. No one person can be all that all the time. I was married, I did al the "right" things, I was "The Nice Girl" sacrifice over and over, became the caregiver to two men who entirely depended too much on me. Over and over I was overwhelmed and had my own needs never being met. Both of the men, passed on. So I am alone again, but I also can have freedom, and it's scary. I'm constantly being told you have to do this, you need this. All these roles are too much for one person. That is why it's so hard.
No marriage is the best life !!!
My Children All say they will not marry. I need to share this with them, because it’s so true about wanting our partners to be everything in one.
I believe we love different people for different
reasons.
How old are your children if you don’t mind me asking.
Unhappy
I had it all for 21 years, at first it was difficult but we worked it out. It was mostly Heaven! He has been dead 3 years. And yet I hope to have another love at age 80!!!
Hugs
Age of 80 means solitude not another love. Love is one time in a lifetime. Respect the memory of your husband and stop acting childish
@@reyoart1766you are stupid
@@reyoart1766 This is such an ignorant comment. Keep your rude and unsolicited opinions to yourself.
@@SusieBsquared take into consideration your own advice
I love Ester Perel I have learned so much in her online interviews. My advice at 60yrs old, my first and last marriage lasted for 21 yrs to a man who had mental and physical health issues that surfaced after 5 yrs. I knew he had physical issues but not mental issues. I was a caregiver for most of the marriage, and I also found out that the arrangement for me was emotionally draining. So I date only men that understand why I will never marry again and that I date based on my various interests at the time. I love my freedom and peace more than being in a marital arrangement that is more about ownership than living free. I have a fun, interesting life everyday mostly. I love my life because it is my life!
Yes, me too… I Call it “Solitudinous Bliss.” Part of my own simple life is the surety that my true unfailing relationship is w/my Dear Friend + kind Good Shepherd, Jesus: unchanging love, a free gift
There is a plan that I am a part of right now, + it’s my privilege to take part. The end times bring an urgency and a deep meaning to my days! Also, “She who laughs…LASTS!”☺️🤪😄
Exactly
Exactly! And mostly women have the barrier to carry men's emotional problems
@@kssgpvMen are so needy…
It's great that it works for you. For me such a relationship is not enough on emotional level. This comes to understanding that we all have different needs and you need to find yourself a partner that has the same basic needs. Most people fall in love and try to force their needs and expectations to a person who doesn't have the same basic needs. And it will be doomed in the long run.
For me an emotional relationship is all or nothing. I really feel my partner "owns" me. Not literally, but every day I choose to be hers and it feels good. It took me a long time to find such things and I'm really convinced that people just don't know what to expect from their own partner. I'd say expect all you need! Be picky! Choose wisely!
I now got all i want and need and it really really feels great.
This is art. It's so beautiful how she can really get to the root of the problem.
MARK... Love the way you are being open and authentic about your history! Way to go Esther !!
Thank you Dr. Hyman. What a treasure. Esther Perel is brilliant!! I had absolutely no models, examples of health in relationships . This was a gift of wisdom from an expert not to be forgotten!! Thanks again Dr. Hyman and Esther Perel.
Married 30 years (age 27 to 57). Best friends. Great team. No adultery. Just unresolved childhood trauma showed up.
Wow!!🎉
Lol sure
Same here. But at least we are older and can try to resolve childhood trauma better than when we were younger.
This is great. And her reference to lying down to have the argument is a good point. Also, please have Dr.Gottman on too. He is great.
He's a simp
I love her. I wish she was around when I was married. She’s so strong and insightful. Usually Mark talks over guests all the time but he doesn’t with her. He can feel her power.
Love this comment ❤❤❤
make sure to truly love yourself, and be complete all by yourself., be you, and make sure you know who that other person really is. also be happy being alone its the greatest teacher in life. when you know what love truly is then life will bring that special person in your life. also its better to be alone then be in a miserable relationship.
who truly loves themselvess? can you show me?
My husband of 40 years died 10 years ago. Our marriage lasted because we were supportive of one another's happiness. We did not try to control one another and we each had hobbies and friends and things we did separately. I always knew I had a great husband but didn't realize how lucky I was until I lost him.
Lack of communication
High expectations
Shared values
Emotional needs not met.
Key factors for gealthy great relationship.
This is the most impactful relationship discussion I've ever seen.
Nothing is doomed to last forever. And if it lasts, some discomfort escorts it.
To be in a fully functional relationship we need to know who we want and why we want them. Also, I believe we all need to get counseling or do some deep soul searching.
Don't forget that circumstances and spouses change. So who you want and why will change too. The marriages that last usually eliminate unnecessary changes.
La l
@annaba😊😊nzon313
❤
Use your relationships to show you what exists within you. Everything is for your own growth. ❤
This is just the simple truth 💜
If you want everything to be about yourself, tell your significant other up front so he can stay clear.
All of my attachment and past habits in 1 hour. I wish UA-cam therapy existed in my early 20s ... Would've changed my life.
I don't know why but although I have no prospects right now and I'm feeling down about relationships, watching her videos makes me feel hopeful. I don't know why maybe it's her beautiful voice or just her intelligence but I feel a sense of that we're all going through the same thing, that there is hope with adjustments and looking inward instead of just looking outward. I don't know I just felt hopeful! Thank you so much Esther Even though I could never afford a one-on-one with you, you post these wonderful videos❤
Sometimes men want a new woman that is half his age then finds out they have nothing in common. The depth of a relationship cannot thrive if the wisdom level doesn’t match.
In my case he needed younger versions to match his intellectual ability 😂😂😂
Seems like a pretty stupid man
yeah but they don't care as long as they're getting sex, until that wears off, then the compatibility becomes an issue.
Feeling comfortable in our own skins, being vulnerable, etc. are so important to our emotional and then physical health.
This!!!! 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
I am, for the first time, ready for a relationship. I know it wont be easy but I am choosing wisely.
How old are you ?
You look like a mature woman..up in age. You might be ready
@@withusbae5749 Yup. I am 57. Lots of lessons learned. However, life has changed since I posed that and I am starting a new career and moving. No time for dating but I have found a new passion that will be keeping me busy!!
Don't get your hopes up LOL!
So much wisdom in this interview, thank you! You're so right that marriages that end don't need to viewed in a binary way as failure. Think about what actually lasts a lifetime in our lives. Do jobs, friendships, even relationships with our own relatives?
Very, very few things are able to last a lifetime. If you're one of those lucky few, that's great - and know that you are lucky. For the rest of us, we have to muddle through as best we can (and make ourselves open to luck).
Add into the equation childhood or adult traumas, mental illness and just the general complexity of our individual human experience and you have an even more daunting task. I love the idea that a relationship ending is not a failure. Thank you!
I think a relationship ending is a failure. Unless it's a friendship , sometimes one outgrows people. Partner relationships however, are for emotional and financial security. They are a lifelong investments and particularly if one has children with them it's not good to end the relationship if salvageable. The point is to find community and meaning outside of your intimate relationship.
@@juliettailor1616 As a working psychotherapist I disagree with your reasoning. You sound like a slave to convention who is clinging to age old values when men were the providers and women were home-makers. Even your use of language belongs to that long outdated thinking, eg that you would describe a relationship as "salvageable". Ships wrecks are salvageable. If a relationship needs to be seen as a wreck then it has already run its course. The deep problems like resentment, lack of communication, indifference, and animosity exist not because a relationship needs to be salvaged, but because two people have remained together after the point when the relationship had already run its course.
@@helenaville5939 you are a psychotherapist?! That's appalling because your style of debate is unacceptable. "Slave to convention" "clinging to age old values" "outdated thinking".
I said if a marriage was salvageable. Meaning that there are times when people go through difficult times and those are the times, particularly women, opt for divorce.
Marriage is a partnership. BOTH partners should provide financial and emotional security and both should do work in the home unless either party, male or female choses to stay home and raise children because that is a full time job.
Marriage is for the children. Studies show that a childhood adverse affect is losing a parent either by death or divorce and you should know that.
The skyrocketing rate of divorce is due to many factors (lack of family and state support in raising children, lack of emotional and career fulfillment outside the marriage, getting married to people to quickly and with whom you don't share core values etc.) not because a relationship has "run its course". That's absurd. You don't get into a friendship or marriage until it has "run its course".
Communication about anything, respect always, repeat, repeat.
I am so tired of ”a relationship lasting” being the main goal in life! A relationship can be wonderful while it lasts and that isnt ”wiped out” just because it ran its course and ended. And sometimes finally having the strength to force the moment to its crisis (TS Eliot) and end a long long relationship that no longer serves anyone is true bravery!
That is what I did a few months ago after 12 years of relationship with ups and downs. It didn"t serve us anymore. Frustration increased and I just didn't want to lose the respect for my partner and my dignity because of bearing the burden of fixing the relationship due to commitment.
I am single now and although I enjoy my freedom, there are moments when I regret the separation for reasons of familiarity over the years. There was an investment of tlme and engagement to support the other"s growth.
Nevertheless, I won"t miss my experiences for good and for bad. Time to say goodbye.
Thank you so much. I just did this - ended a relationship with a man I thought I’d be with forever because I didn’t like who we were becoming together. Was having second thoughts. Your words made them stop. 🙏
Different people have different needs. I have a partner that feels like I feel, we want and need the one and only. And it works. We of course have other people in our lives too but still we are all in one and wouldn't have it any other way. Only way to have as meaningful relationship as we really want and need.
So many people live together but they never really take the time to know each other. it's like a using each other game.
Cant find a good shrink anymore because they all want to be on the internet. Still they can't solve your problems. Only tell you to look at from a different angle. Thanks Ester.
In my experience she knows her stuff
Cause marriage can be good for a long time
But when that mid life enters it shit starts to fly all what u suppressed and did not work within resurfaces and makes navigation to the next cycle so hard
That’s when it blows up
Great talk. Sorry about the last relationship ending, Mark. So painful.
I think that relationship are like a dress or a trouser one likes very much, and wear it all the time. It gets dirty and you have to wash it and iron it regularly, you mend it when you need to. And human nature likes new things all the time and as soon as the decay factor sets in, you are off looking for new thrills and loves. Same with careers and you have to regularly renew yourself from within to keep up with the ever increasing demands and challenges.
Healthy relationship: I am responsible for my own happiness and unhappiness.
Unhealthy relationship: My partner is responsible for my happiness and unhappiness.
Or the marriage breaks up simply when the man desires a younger woman. My last 4 year relationship ended because of those expectations, the list becomes longer and longer. First it’s just let’s be together have fun
, support each other, be intimate partners in life. Intimacy stayed the same but then the list of all the things that he needed to make him happy grew very long. He claimed he just wanted a lover and a best friend confidant…But I then found out he wanted a mother too, a cleaner a cook a dishwasher, someone to give much attention to ALL of his needs. I have no interest in being anyone’s mother that’s when I lose interest and passion wanes. It takes time for men to show their true self and expectations. I suppose women too.
I agree. It’s really disgusting how so many men act dependent and childish. I have no interest in having a giant parasite in my life.
@@redemptionhappens7725 😂😂😂I couldn’t have said it better
You both sound bitter. Move on and enjoy all life has to offer 👍
Men who want a mother, a mother doesn't sex with her son. Such unrealistic expectation ; then they wonder why they can't get some from their partner. Go figure 🙄
@@jonthebutcher go clean your room.
Yes , we always want intimacy. There is nothing wrong with that, the essence of any healthy relationship and is what connects us with others and nothing wrong about having with many people as well. What is wrong is comparing them and putting them in a hierarchical position list, creating the illusion of one being better than the other.
Superb ! Everone should listen to Esther 🌻🙏🥰
This is a great session. I loved the equation of “autonomy with a deep sense of belonging”. That is brilliant IF it can be maintained ethically. The observation I have is this leaves wiggle room to act on temptations and that basically comes down to a person’s character. And one’s ability to attract other options. It seems that a less exciting sparkling relationship is the trade off for safety and security. In my experience.
Hearing Mark carelessly laughing is such a cure in itself!
What a valuable and fascinating discussion! The authentic vulnerability is very appreciated. Super awesome! 👏🏻 👏🏻
I didn't criticise him. We weren't defensive. We didn't stonewall. He was a good person but his parents had broken him unintentionally. I communicated a lot what I need and how I feel like. He accepted but never could do it. Never felt it's necessary. So I gradually got more distant and it broke up. Certain ppl need therapy or you need to be like a mother/father ro them and just give with no expectations, otherwise it will not work. I couldn't do that
Relationships end because men base it on how a woman looks - she get wrinkles, gains weight - they will find a younger one and cheat or leave. So It's transactional or one person is trying to use another person for looks, sexual benefits etc. It's not sustainable anyway. People are wrong saying that it is based on love, it's based on lust.
Made so much worse by the modern day access to porn
True
When I worked in family and estate law, it was sad to see how many long term marriages had ended due to affairs/new marriages that didn’t work out either. People alone in their golden years because they didn’t think they would age out of being able to retain younger partners. What isn’t discussed much is the divorce rate increases for 2nd, 3rd marriages.
I feel loved by my friends and my children. I just want to feel loved by my partner.
OMG - Esther is such better person - inside and out!!! 👍💕🙏😊🌎
Outstanding. Thank you for another great video Dr. Hyman!
Its interesting that she says that when couples have issues they talk to no one. I'm not married and from a younger generation. I think we don't talk to other because sometimes counselors enforce their own ideas of what should be in a relationship instead of seeing where the couple really is and helping them understand each other better. It's sounds like this lady really does this. It's making me think about myself and what has shaped my perception of relationship and marriage. My parents divorced, I'm a woman and I was raised by my single dad. Honestly, I could see why they divorced before watching this but her explanations made a lot of sense. I'm going to check out her game. I think also people are afraid of being vulnerable an open because there is a fear that others would use it against them or them poorly of them in some way. I think people carry this is relationships which is way they fail and why no one tells anyone when they are struggling until after they have made the decision to dissolve the relationship.
LOVE Esther Perel!!!
Thank you for this amazing interview🙏🧡 So many takeaways and wisdom based on beautiful expertise of two professionals but also amazing human beings.Again thanks to both of you 🙏✨️
Life, love and relationships are not as easy as doing a Math problem. For eg, 1+1=2. In our contemporary society, we need to first figure out who we are, what we want from life, the qualities we want in a partner, if we really want a serious relationship or a fling etc. We also must have a firm spiritual foundation as men and always seek to improve ourself. To be hone
Muy buena charla sobre comunicación para quienes pretender vivir el amor y no pueden comunicar..
Gracias Ester..Éxitos con el juego de cartas!
Beautiful mature conversation. Very relatable!
Such great wisdom by Esther. I’ve read all her books. I recommend reading “How we love.” by Yerovick to help figure out why you’re making the decisions you make in your relationships.
That game she presented seems to be fun 😄. I live in Hawaii and also fear sharks too. But I still love the Beach and the ocean.
I live in Hawaii and knew not to watch Jaws movie.
Lack of communication
High expectations
Emotional needs are not met.
She's one of the best.
Incredible conversation. Very uplifting and empowering to hear Esther talk about relationships. I want to encourage to change the title of this video - because the title feels disempowering towards relationships. Just a thought 🌾
I bring karma into the discussion which expands the equation. This brings past lives into the mix which explains why we are who we are: our temperaments, our personalities, who we we meet in our lives. This perspective brings a deeper meaning to this discussion and can explain many mysteries in relationships. If I did not understand karma it would be be easier to feel a victim in life. I believe that relationships are often the catalyst that offers the opportunity for inner growth. Instead of pointing the finger we must have the courage to look at ourselves and ask the hard questions.
Wife and I had a tight bond until she was talked into buying a jetski , now we can't do anything together anymore 20 years strong and the last 2 years not that good , I have mobility issues and can't be out in the heat too long, I do depend on her she is my caregiver
I have the same irrational fear of sharks too! Love and appreciate all your work, hopefully our paths cross someday-
Relationships are not a prison sentence. It's simply give and take. We are more than the sum of our parts
mutual empathy is the way to openness and honesty which you can find in open relationships because openness and honesty is seen as more important than infidelity
if that were the case with monogamous relationships that would also work but it doesnt seem that way
I’m pro-marriage, but I’ve come to the conclusion over the years that I am a great boyfriend, but not a very good husband. Not sure why I seem to have a better spirit, motivation, and happiness when I’m a boyfriend.
Maybe once true commitment comes into play then things change. People say well I’ve secured this and the spark is gone
Sounds like immaturity
Amazing interview but interviewer does not need to keep saying “aha” “yeah” etc. he also needs to pause and listen more once she gives an answer and go with the flow of the interview.
I hate divorce and believe marriage till one spouse dies.
I understand and with deep addictions, infidelities, dishonesties.....it is like a partner has died. 🙏
@@RebekahCurielAlessi exactly- wife cheating felt like a death
@@aloner245 ❤️
@@RebekahCurielAlessi thank you
But there is the fact that there is abuse and violence. No person deserves that. Every person deserves happiness and should be able to make those choices in life.
Great informative video. Thank you very much!🍀🌈🍀
When the law requires them to be a these roles - as in intimate Partner - there is a strong incentive to obey. Costly to go in your own direction.
You keep doing this because your most fundamental basic and most powerful need is for adult attachment and bonding with a " special " other .... , not my wisdom but that of Sue Johnson in her book " Hold me Tight " ..... why not invite her for a talk , she is brilliant and very entertaining as well . All the best 👍
I am 12 years alone because I could not stand the pain of the breakups anymore. I thought that I am ready tot try again and I thought I do some research before I start dating again. But after watching this video I feel it is hopeless, I better stay alone.
Have you ever considered you are the one abandoning yourself by neglecting your own needs while blaming an hypothetical someone else?
When you say I do before God. You should stay faithful till death do you part. My Ex is a very toxic alcoholic lying cheat. He had many affairs! I was faithful. It was a one sided marriage.
Conditional restraints prevent embodied active productivity and sidetracks both/either enlighten and/or dilute.
Lack of communication
High expectations
Emotional needs not met.
My ex now has the perfect marriage. She was married to me for 26 years and were were divorced 18 years ago. She finally remarried to a 80 year old lawyer. They set some rules: 1. No sex. 2. Separate bedrooms with separate ensuite bathrooms. 3. She cooks breakfast. He cooks dinner. 4. He has to continue working because the money is too good, so she does not have to, but does anyway. 5. He can do what he likes every second weekend, and what she wants on the other. 6. Whoever dies first gets everything. The kids will have to wait until they both go, to inherit.
Jordan Peterson’s marriage is a good example of one to emulate and admire , as is William and Catherine’s.
Hey Mark, I related to your story about fear of sharks, I haven't swam in the ocean since "JAWS", LOL
I've watched A LOT of Perrell's videos/interviews and so funny when you noticed almost all of the interviewers always talked wayyyyy more than her. It's cool to see how people can open up to her, but also its funny to see how much we overthink, overspoken, and just don't listen. If i were with her i would literally shut up and just let her talk whatever she wants lol
Thank you for this thought provoking & insightful video! Where do I find Esther Perel's game?
Love this conversation! Love the doctor so much both are amazing
BOTH wonderful people talking G O L D here ⭐⚡
I feel the same way. It’s relationships are are a constant failure. Maybe it’s my expectations?
Love and Gratitude to you both! I’m ordering the game now 💖 God Bless your work 🙏
What’s the name of the game
Last sentence is very interesting absolutely longevity of life of men and women
nice bracelet...accentuated by her gestures. kinda hypnotic. she sounds like a fortune teller though. hehe
I'm so sad i had no community to help my last love. I want to end it.