This is so true. First fix how you see yourself. Have a clarity of what you want out of life. Everything will fall in place. Also stop over valueing things, people, places, ideas, events in your mind If he is meant for you he will come to you regardless. Because men as a gender are not restricted from expressing romantic interest to their partner. A man is always supposed to make the 1st move, propose, initiate stuff, etc. So ladies, your job is to look like a million bucks, and attract him. The right one will come to you. ❤
On my journey to secure attachment, I created the 0 f#cks rule of dating. Until a man is your boyfriend, you show up warm and engaged, but because you do not know this person, you assume nothing that happens has anything to do with you. If I had something I wanted to improve for myself, then I did. It served me well, and now my nervous system is calm after 24 hours and I don’t own what others do.
This is brilliant! Please can you remind me of this in 2 hours, and 2 hours after that, and 2 hours after that as I try and decide if I should end a situationship....
@@EllenStevens-f1z you should 100% end a situationship, let me break it down for you. If you don't end it, you will be stuck in that situationship and waste your time even more. If you end it, there's that slim chance that the other person will wake up and realise what he is missing when you leave, and feel more motivated to make it official.
Met someone at a wedding 3 months ago, lot of chemistry. She lives on Singapore I live on Mexico. This is the video I probably needed, was getting to anxious with this person, have a lot in common with, but I need a real person on my life, not some one thousands kilometers away. Thanks Matthew, great content as always.
I’m with you. That’s the problem, with our current work situation is impossible for any of us to move closer on near future, which is sad and hard for both of us.
I'm Singaporean and my ex husband was German, we made it work through 5 years of LDR and got married finally, only to realise after living together that we were incompatible lol. So yeah, it can work, but it might not either. It was also quite difficult for the 5 years and I would not choose to do it again.
"We are the Goose that can lay other eggs and so can basically get through anything" - Thank you for this!! It is going to help me in my c-ptsd healing❤
The timing was perfect, made me realize I don't actually want to contact the person I was just about to hit up out of fear I won't meet anyone as great again. You made me question if he's actually that great and the answer is NO (he's tall and funny and successfull but he seemed very full of himself and arrogant towards other people when we were on a date) so thanks a lot for saving me time and possibly a heartbreak ❤
Maybe he seems full of himself and arrogant towards others is because he feels alone=It's lonely at the top as the old saying goes,you may feel insecure yourself that you may not be able to maintain the top just a thought because most women have admitted they do not like nice/average guys.
Thank you! This came just in time. I was just crying of how codependent I feel whenever I like someone and I start obsessing. Honestly this topic is so important I think we all fall into this pattern even after the relationship settles and that’s what runs it.
The "golden goose" analogy struck a particularly profound chord-how easily we transfer our worth to something external, mistaking the results of our efforts for the source of our value. This perspective goes beyond just dating; it speaks to how we navigate life’s many attachments. An added insight: the true test of this mindset isn’t in success but in failure. When a golden egg cracks-be it a lost relationship, a missed opportunity, or a setback-our ability to turn inward and nurture the goose determines whether we spiral or grow. Much like Margaret Atwood’s reflection on impermanence, there’s liberation in recognizing that what we possess, even our triumphs, is borrowed. What remains eternal is the self-the quiet, steady creator of all that we achieve.
The last 5 mins were so inspiring that you said, “ everything is transient and borrowed”….. and finding our value in our self first and not give that power to a thing or another person ! Whoa !
Ever since my divorce, I've realized there's so much about myself that I didn't know or understand. Every day I spend with myself now makes me realize what an amazing person I am and how much love I deserve (from others, but especially from myself). You're absolutely right Matthew. Your words are so valuable.
Mathew this was great I’m 62 yo women dating again and I just stopped dating someone. This video and the obsession is what happened to me and does. These points are right on.
Same here! It is so confusing and hard to figure things out. Matthew is so insightful and a comforting voice. I just wish men did not prey on women they really have no interest in.
This happened to me, I finally ask a girl out in college that I feel is the right one, I felt like a came on to her a little too strong and made her uncomfortable, not my intentions but I was excited and really liked her. She went from being interested in me to ghosting me one day, she didn’t communicate her feelings with me and things didn’t work out. The best thing to do is just move on and look for the right person. She wasn’t worth my time even though I do miss her I need to move on
I greatly appreciated this video. It provided a lot of insight. I'm a 43-year-old widow and I'm STILL struggling with this even after nearly TWO YEARS (20 months to be exact) of dating my boyfriend. When we're not physically together, I think about him almost constantly, and the minute we leave each other's physical presence, I find myself counting down the time until we're going to be together again. Life just seems depressing and mundane without him. It's like almost all of my happiness is centered around him and our relationship, which I know is not healthy or good. If he goes too long without texting/calling me, I start to get anxious and worried, despite the fact that there is absolutely no basis for my anxiety and it's entirely irrational. Sometimes my anxiety gets to such a level that I can't even focus on my work, going to the gym, or other important things in my life. I HATE feeling this way.
I strongly recommend you, if you haven’t tried yet, to go to therapy. It sounds like you’re suffering a lot from this anxiety and I’m sure you can go through it better with a professional.
Therapy wasn’t enough for me. I got on anti anxiety meds and it’s helping a little. My whole situation triggered childhood abuse wounds which have very little to do with my guy but affects the entire situation in terms of how much I fear abandonment.
@@InspiredbyIda That's exactly how I feel. My husband passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly in June of 2022 due to sepsis. We had been together for a total of 22 years, since I was only 18 years old. I had been with him for literally my entire adult life and had never even lived on my own before. To me, his death felt like the biggest form of abandonment ever. I was entirely unprepared for it. I was in literal shock for several months after his passing. Then, in early March of 2023, I very haphazardly met my boyfriend and I fell hard for him. I can't imagine my life without him and my absolute biggest fear in this world is losing him. Even just the thought of it causes me so much anxiety.
Sounds like I’m not alone in my widowhood. With a wonderful marriage from my past, it’s hard not to want that touch again. Or that feeling of just being together in the same room, but doing something separate. At my age (over 50) it’s not the looks, their financial success, or any of those things. I want companionship and my first relationship lasted 10 months, and just …. I don’t know … ended?
I went through this with a guy I saw for 2 weeks. I walked away because we are unequally yoked. I didn't like that feeling. I rather have peaceful feeling not intense. Love is patient. Just rushes. 🙏🏽🫶
This was hugely valuable to me today as I’ve begun a new relationship and that “obsessing” thing kicked in. Thank you for a perspective shift and realignment wake up call!
Ι αm so glad that I am not the only one that does this! You described exactly what my experience. Makes me feel a bit less crazy (which doesn’t help my self esteem!) So thank you for that!
Matthew, wow not only did this provide insight for my dating but for all other relationships in my life ! I’ve always been one that feels and cares deeply for others and it often scares people away 😂
I really appreciate the way you shed light on those blind spots in relationships. Your advice about seeing ourselves as the permanent variable in any relationship really resonates with me. It's such an important perspective that can lead to personal growth and healthier connections. 🌱🌱
I really agree with your point about urgency. When I look back, many of the times I've done something I now regret, there was a lot of urgency involved (either externally or internally imposed). So now that's something I really watch out for and try to avoid when possible...
It's really difficult because I can objectively say this guy Ive been involved with for the past 3 months I had not only incredible chemistry and intellectual and emotional connection with but also we got each other on such a deep level that seems irreplaceable. He's done a lot of self work over the years (so did I) and we related to each other so well. Unfortunately it didn't work out due to distance and possibly some other factors. I find it extremely hard to let go of because I've never felt that way with anyone in my 29 years. Of course there were things I did see him and didn't like that much but overall I think what we had was very special. But he ultimately made a decision not to pursue it further due to distance. Which is a comforting thought in a way because it makes me think that maybe while he valued our relationship greatly, he didn't see as much of a potential as I did, otherwise he'd give it an honest shot irrespective of the distance (some 1,300 + km..). Why is life so unfair sometimes?
It meant you weren't among his priorities. I hope you will feel better looking at the him from this angle. I'm sure we will meet that someone who will have us as one of their top priorities and we too view them the same.
The right man will never leave. Everything will be ok. We have all been through it. Jesus helps me stay on the right track now that I have him in my life. Praying you know Jesus too. 🙏🏽🫶
it's really crazy to me how men have this sense of abundancy. they will meet a women with who they can have great chemistry, but decide she isn't their dream girl so they'll just move on to the next one. meanwhile we women try to hold on to any man. with who with have great chemistry because it is just so rare that it happens... we want to find ways to make it work, give a shot at a relationship even when a man isn't our dream man but good enough, but the opposite doesn't seem to be true at all.
I fully understand your disappointment, however there are a few things worth to be mentioned: if he lives abroad/is a foreigner, then I assume you knew about this circumstance from the beginning. It's one of those factors which must be taken into consideration immediately after we meet someone. Same thing happens in long-distance friendships. You have a friend, yet it's not really a type of friend you really need. Because such person won't help you when you're in need at 2a.m. Distance always makes a huge problem. It's rare to overcome it. People able to overcome it must be willing to take a risk and believe that the risk is worth taking. I was in a LRD relationship, it failed really badly. My ex bf didn't understand that I literally became fully dependent on him as a foreigner in his country. What you are saying about having a deep connection in 3 months.... I'd call it fascination or infatuation. I don't know if you met in real life or not. If not - then it was all built around a fantasy about that person. You said :"He's done a lot of self work over the years" - how do you know that? People claim things which cannot be proven. But they say them to impress others. "he valued our relationship greatly, he didn't see as much of a potential as I did" - if he did, why he called it quits? If you're THAT great, then what did stop him? It's even moreinteresting about the potential he didn't saw in it.... like... what potential? They guy talked with you, enjoyed your company, I guess he was aware that you're attracted to him.... Its weird that he created that illusion of you being so special to him, yet he withdrew because of the distance? Then he was deeply unfair by playing your feelings, giving you false hope. At least I feel it this way. I was once in a situation, when I was highly attracted to someone, and he was highly attracted to me, but it wouldn't work for some reason, so despite of our obvious mutual attraction, we never dated or met each other on other than a professional ground. It would be awful to give someone a false hope in such situation. I am highly suspicious about men who woo the lady, just to withdraw once she is really interested in him. It's like a guy needs an ego stroke, not a relationship.
Great content as per usual, just spotted a pattern that I find fascinating, and I thought I'd share - Have you noticed how much of an influence Audrey has had on Matthew! One superficial example of that is how often he started using the expression "rightly or wrongly", and this video is no exception! 😀
Matt is melting every single time when he can attach his surname to Audrey's given name 😊😀 And the adoring look in his eyes when he turns to her... It's so lovely and fun to watch 🎉
That was so powerful! Love the golden goose /egg analogy. So helpful how you broke down the halo effect & grounded it at the very end to remind me of my value. So glad I listened. Thank you! 🙏🏽 🫶🏽
why did the golden egg + goose metaphor make me cry?? 😭 lmao i loved this! everything you discussed was completely on point. i appreciate your videos so much 💗
This all made sense with my relationship with my husband and why I've been so unhappy for years. With the Goose that lays the golden egg especially. I have lost myself for years because he's taken all of my energy and focus and twists everything to make it not special, then everytime I show/say something about it and not being happy, somehow he twists my energy and focus back to the "good" about him again so that "everything" is back to normal for him. I'm not sure if I'm explaining myself very good but I hope you know/understand what I'm trying to say.
God is good. I was reflecting on this today and got to just the first part of your message after hours of contemplation. Then I saw your video and God is speaking through you. I do love the final message that our value is within us and that can never be taken away. This is so important to hear both for secular and spiritual perspectives. Also loving the weekly newsletter, seems like Ali Abdaal is becoming an influence.
I really appreciated your video especially the last part about the goose, Atwood's house and the fact that since everything is transient, we are what will stay in our lives. It makes me think of a famous Persian song by Googoosh where it is said " I am a guest like you, in this house, I won't stay", where the house is a metaphor of life. Thank you so much.🙏
Hi, to be honest this is the best video up until now for me. It’s like not only a relationship advice but it’s actually a truth we almost loose sight of because of the ups and downs of life. I think i am gonna always listen to this video every time i have hard time. Thank you so much for this amazing video.
Love the video, thank you Matt! I found that the "Halo-Effect" has another layer of projection. I not only put the other one on a pedestal, but I project my own needs and wishes and therefore in a way myself onto the other person I like. That makes it impossible for me to see him/her the way they truly are. I realized that a few years ago and it really was a game changer for me. Now I'm way calmer when I meet someone I like. I'm not waiting hours on end for them to text or thinking about what I did wrong and how it is my fault they left. I'm relaxed and in peace with myself. That was a really empowering experience for me and I hope I can internalize it even more over the upcoming years :) Sending much love
A very sincere message with amazing, deep thoughts. #5 reminds me of the lyrics from a Kelly Clarkson song "never let a man help her off her throne". Thanks for making this, Matthew. I'm sure it's helping a lot of people: me included!
So valuable advice for me right now and I am 68 years old and dating! Trying to build a friendship before comitting too and putting a partner on a pedestal!
This was such a great video today Matthew!! ❤ I really loved the Goose and the Golden Egg analogy. All of your advice is so practical but so important!
I so much appreciate the levity you bring to the subject of your videos. I’ve definitely needed to remind myself of these things you point out here now that I am going back out into the dating world, which I thought was a thing of the past. Thank you for making it make sense!❤
This was very helpful to hear, thank you🙏. After having a moment of chemistry with someone I just met (at a workshop), my mind kept on replaying it, and the desire for them to text me was strong (and SO annoying!!). I seemed to have overvalued chemistry. A common pattern of mine. My takeaway from this video: My vision for an amazing relationship still stands true, which I was just reminded of again❤. And that vision has multiple important ingredients, w/chemistry being just ONE small part. Important, but small. Oh, and I married (then divorced) someone because I overvalued mutual interest. We ended up misaligned in most of our top values and beliefs. I do NOT intend to repeat that one. Thank you for the reminder! Appreciate this space to help me process🙏
I’m talking to this person for about 7 months now, and she wants to become a doctor, and doesn’t want to focus on any boys but before that, we were talking and got really close. Until she needed to focus on studies more. I created such a strong obsession with because of how amazing and how beautiful she is, how I want her to be just as amazed of me I am of her. I’ve been watching your videos and throughout my life I have struggled keeping a steady relationship bc of jumping in so quickly. Everything you said in this video and a couple others a few weeks ago, you have opened my eyes of how much I have yet to learn about myself and more of why I’m struggling. But right now I’m stuck in a position where I’m obsessed over her, and she’s giving me mixed signals some days obsessed with me and some days just doesn’t text at all. I’m scared I’m going to lose her and that all this is temporary. I’m worried I’m not gonna find anyone as beautiful as her. Then again I haven’t even bothered looking because I’m trying to stay loyal to her. I’m just in a bit of a pickle right now, but your videos are definitely helping me and opening my eyes to this things. Thank you
Love the analogy of the goose. I feel this video was meant for me! Ended a situationship. Still missing the texts/anticipation of seing him next. We have a social activity in common latin danse. I am reclaiming my hobby by going to new venues with less chances of seing him .This video helps me change back my focus on me. Thank you!
Thank you Matthew, this was exactly what I needed. 3 weeks ago I went to a first date and she did not want a second date even tho she was the one who wanted to meet me in the first place. Anways I felt bad since I have invested more than I should have. I feel much better after watching many of your videos and this one as well. Always the goose not the egg got it🥰
Thank you Matthew. I’ll remind myself I’m the goose 😊 It’s been 12 months since I started dating and it’s been a painful and sometimes funny but worthy journey of growth… I can actually look back and see how far I’ve come..
Thank you, Matt. I think noticing when I am being to generous about how awesome someone is off too little data and going “Ah… the halo effect” is going to be so helpful. The urgency principle made me smile because in the London renting scene, you sometimes have to settle and hope a place doesn’t disappear immediately because of scarcity, so it’s good to notice if my thinking about dating has strayed into London renting vibes! I’m going to be putting these tips into good use… particularly mindful curiosity about who someone truly is and not burying the lede and I’m hopeful it’ll make a difference 🙏❤️ Thanks as always for your excellent and compassionate advice. We appreciate you.
The very reason I saw ur video in 2017 was I liked ur looks, since I am someone who knows my worth, when I heard u talking, I thought this guy talks like me & understands the depth of the situation as I do being a Virgo ♍ & a Tarot Reader from India. I want to pay my gratitude from my side & also for the people who listen to u & get help in their situation.. 🙏🏻
Well this showed up in my feed at the perfect time, as I’m wallowing in feeling like an option to someone who I’ve made a priority and put on a pedestal….
Such a wonderful video Matthew. Exactly what I needed to hear 😇😂🙈 So many useful and important thoughts that we keep forgetting. Thanks for reminding us that we are amazing and valuable ❤ Best greetings from Switzerland 🇨🇭
Matthew, what a strong valuable lesson that is worth watching numerous times. Especially the goose and the golden egg, I rewatched that portion more than once. Yes, I am the sh- and can lay another golden egg, he's just one of many and I can do it again. Priceless!
Dang, I did do it. I may not have found a committed and dedicated relationship yet, but I just had my first kiss with someone I truly loved this year. I guess I am the golden goose. And I can make more eggs. I needed that. 😎
Hi Matt, thank you, thank you, thank you for your story about the gooze and the golden eggs ❤ It really got me. It's so important to realize about this, recognize our value and protect it. I've talked about my coach about this, I haven't realized before that I used to gave my power to the other person. I will remember now, that I'm the gooze.
I am so grateful for this video. I am exactly in a situation where I was needing thia reassurance about my dating process. I wish you would post more videos!! And i enjoyed the goose parable a lot. It mooved me a lot. I will listen to it again when I feel distressed. :) thank you. You always make my days :) and i totally agree on what you said.
It's my first being in the relationship that I think really worth and I can imagine the future with. But my fear of maybe not being able to meet this kind of person ever again was making me feel little anxious. Never in my life I felt so excited to meet someone or to wait them to arrive or to try to understand every situations because it's him. He does love me back, most of the time I'm really bad at showing how much I love him, I'm just not good at expressing it but I'm learning and trying everyday. And today I realized that this neediness of mine might be making this relationship hard to go on. Even if I try not to show it, my partner will definitely feel my anxiousness and uneasiness. I should give more relaxation to my mind that it's okay even if it doesn't work out at the end. If it works it's good, but if it doesn't then we can move on happily and go on an another journey to find the one. Even if we marry, we're still individuals with free of choice and deserve to live happy with person we love. This mindset I learned from this video is giving me all I needed. Now I can be more calm, easy but still committed to this relationship. Thanks for the video. It was totally worth watching it and commenting
Guilty. Soo hard to not do. I feel that this cognitive bias happens in every sphere of life. Have to be mindful. But emotions can easily sweep you along with the tide. Lust can also give you a foggy view of things. Oh Matthew, why does a mental reboot feel like that scene in Kickboxer when Van Damme gets his legs stretched to the point he looks like he might actually get ripped apart. Must breath into the discomfort but OMG. Thanks for this btw.🏋🏽♀️❤
I am doing this as he’s pulling back, we’ve talked about it, he says he’s not able to fall in love, this has helped me so much, lm gonna back off him some, give some space
The fact that no one mentions forbidden books on Revandles is actually criminal.
"lose the urgency" that's my biggest issue. thanks for the wake up call.
me too and i realised it and calmed down and i've felt better since
Must know your own worth first. Never rely on others to show it to you.
Others always do regardless, often subconsciously.
This is so true. First fix how you see yourself. Have a clarity of what you want out of life. Everything will fall in place.
Also stop over valueing things, people, places, ideas, events in your mind
If he is meant for you he will come to you regardless.
Because men as a gender are not restricted from expressing romantic interest to their partner.
A man is always supposed to make the 1st move, propose, initiate stuff, etc.
So ladies, your job is to look like a million bucks, and attract him.
The right one will come to you.
❤
Yes! I'm worth at least 3 camels and a goat!
@@DebYarbrough-sh3cd 😂😂😂👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻🤍
On my journey to secure attachment, I created the 0 f#cks rule of dating. Until a man is your boyfriend, you show up warm and engaged, but because you do not know this person, you assume nothing that happens has anything to do with you. If I had something I wanted to improve for myself, then I did. It served me well, and now my nervous system is calm after 24 hours and I don’t own what others do.
This is brilliant! Please can you remind me of this in 2 hours, and 2 hours after that, and 2 hours after that as I try and decide if I should end a situationship....
@@EllenStevens-f1z you should 100% end a situationship, let me break it down for you. If you don't end it, you will be stuck in that situationship and waste your time even more. If you end it, there's that slim chance that the other person will wake up and realise what he is missing when you leave, and feel more motivated to make it official.
@@EllenStevens-f1zReminder to end that situationship ❤ You deserve waayyyy infinitely better ✨
This is a great approach! Thanks for sharing 🙌
I love this. Zero *ucks until you know he cares. Also, I like what Edgar Cayce says , "don't think about him unless he is right in front of you"
Met someone at a wedding 3 months ago, lot of chemistry. She lives on Singapore I live on Mexico. This is the video I probably needed, was getting to anxious with this person, have a lot in common with, but I need a real person on my life, not some one thousands kilometers away. Thanks Matthew, great content as always.
Some LDRs do actually work. Often when there's the possibility to meet some day. And if someone moves closer later.
I’m with you. That’s the problem, with our current work situation is impossible for any of us to move closer on near future, which is sad and hard for both of us.
I'm Singaporean and my ex husband was German, we made it work through 5 years of LDR and got married finally, only to realise after living together that we were incompatible lol. So yeah, it can work, but it might not either. It was also quite difficult for the 5 years and I would not choose to do it again.
You would say the distance was the problem or the incompatible between you two...
@@seembertsav4809 the distance hid the fact that we were incompatible. We only truly realised it when we lived together.
"We are the Goose that can lay other eggs and so can basically get through anything" - Thank you for this!! It is going to help me in my c-ptsd healing❤
The timing was perfect, made me realize I don't actually want to contact the person I was just about to hit up out of fear I won't meet anyone as great again. You made me question if he's actually that great and the answer is NO (he's tall and funny and successfull but he seemed very full of himself and arrogant towards other people when we were on a date) so thanks a lot for saving me time and possibly a heartbreak ❤
🙏🏽🫶
Maybe he seems full of himself and arrogant towards others is because he feels alone=It's lonely at the top as the old saying goes,you may feel insecure yourself that you may not be able to maintain the top just a thought because most women have admitted they do not like nice/average guys.
Thats the guy you are attracted to.
Thank you! This came just in time. I was just crying of how codependent I feel whenever I like someone and I start obsessing. Honestly this topic is so important I think we all fall into this pattern even after the relationship settles and that’s what runs it.
Ruins*
The "golden goose" analogy struck a particularly profound chord-how easily we transfer our worth to something external, mistaking the results of our efforts for the source of our value. This perspective goes beyond just dating; it speaks to how we navigate life’s many attachments.
An added insight: the true test of this mindset isn’t in success but in failure. When a golden egg cracks-be it a lost relationship, a missed opportunity, or a setback-our ability to turn inward and nurture the goose determines whether we spiral or grow. Much like Margaret Atwood’s reflection on impermanence, there’s liberation in recognizing that what we possess, even our triumphs, is borrowed. What remains eternal is the self-the quiet, steady creator of all that we achieve.
The last 5 mins were so inspiring that you said, “ everything is transient and borrowed”….. and finding our value in our self first and not give that power to a thing or another person ! Whoa !
Ever since my divorce, I've realized there's so much about myself that I didn't know or understand. Every day I spend with myself now makes me realize what an amazing person I am and how much love I deserve (from others, but especially from myself). You're absolutely right Matthew. Your words are so valuable.
Sounds amazing,paying attention to yourself now every thing beautiful follows..
Mathew this was great I’m 62 yo women dating again and I just stopped dating someone. This video and the obsession is what happened to me and does. These points are right on.
Same here! It is so confusing and hard to figure things out. Matthew is so insightful and a comforting voice. I just wish men did not prey on women they really have no interest in.
Well yeah because when this happens which is rare 😂 we can’t help but be excited 🤷🏻♀️ and when you’ve been single for a long time.
This happened to me, I finally ask a girl out in college that I feel is the right one, I felt like a came on to her a little too strong and made her uncomfortable, not my intentions but I was excited and really liked her. She went from being interested in me to ghosting me one day, she didn’t communicate her feelings with me and things didn’t work out. The best thing to do is just move on and look for the right person. She wasn’t worth my time even though I do miss her I need to move on
@ exactly
I greatly appreciated this video. It provided a lot of insight. I'm a 43-year-old widow and I'm STILL struggling with this even after nearly TWO YEARS (20 months to be exact) of dating my boyfriend. When we're not physically together, I think about him almost constantly, and the minute we leave each other's physical presence, I find myself counting down the time until we're going to be together again. Life just seems depressing and mundane without him. It's like almost all of my happiness is centered around him and our relationship, which I know is not healthy or good. If he goes too long without texting/calling me, I start to get anxious and worried, despite the fact that there is absolutely no basis for my anxiety and it's entirely irrational. Sometimes my anxiety gets to such a level that I can't even focus on my work, going to the gym, or other important things in my life. I HATE feeling this way.
I strongly recommend you, if you haven’t tried yet, to go to therapy. It sounds like you’re suffering a lot from this anxiety and I’m sure you can go through it better with a professional.
Therapy wasn’t enough for me. I got on anti anxiety meds and it’s helping a little. My whole situation triggered childhood abuse wounds which have very little to do with my guy but affects the entire situation in terms of how much I fear abandonment.
I completely get this, I’m a 38 year old widow and am convinced my anxious attachment has formed or become exacerbated due to losing my husband.
@@InspiredbyIda That's exactly how I feel. My husband passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly in June of 2022 due to sepsis. We had been together for a total of 22 years, since I was only 18 years old. I had been with him for literally my entire adult life and had never even lived on my own before. To me, his death felt like the biggest form of abandonment ever. I was entirely unprepared for it. I was in literal shock for several months after his passing. Then, in early March of 2023, I very haphazardly met my boyfriend and I fell hard for him. I can't imagine my life without him and my absolute biggest fear in this world is losing him. Even just the thought of it causes me so much anxiety.
Sounds like I’m not alone in my widowhood. With a wonderful marriage from my past, it’s hard not to want that touch again. Or that feeling of just being together in the same room, but doing something separate. At my age (over 50) it’s not the looks, their financial success, or any of those things. I want companionship and my first relationship lasted 10 months, and just …. I don’t know … ended?
This video was made for me. I met a guy a week ago and I can't get him out of my head. It's torture, it hurts.
I went through this with a guy I saw for 2 weeks. I walked away because we are unequally yoked. I didn't like that feeling. I rather have peaceful feeling not intense. Love is patient. Just rushes. 🙏🏽🫶
This was hugely valuable to me today as I’ve begun a new relationship and that “obsessing” thing kicked in. Thank you for a perspective shift and realignment wake up call!
Everything is transient, everything is borrowed or rented! That is powerful
Ι αm so glad that I am not the only one that does this! You described exactly what my experience. Makes me feel a bit less crazy (which doesn’t help my self esteem!) So thank you for that!
Matthew, wow not only did this provide insight for my dating but for all other relationships in my life !
I’ve always been one that feels and cares deeply for others and it often scares people away 😂
Cracking video Matt. I feel like you have done a bit of a much needed reboot recently in your content, this is top notch. Thank you.
I really appreciate the way you shed light on those blind spots in relationships. Your advice about seeing ourselves as the permanent variable in any relationship really resonates with me. It's such an important perspective that can lead to personal growth and healthier connections. 🌱🌱
@Hussey_mathew I don't get the meaning of these numbers
I really agree with your point about urgency. When I look back, many of the times I've done something I now regret, there was a lot of urgency involved (either externally or internally imposed). So now that's something I really watch out for and try to avoid when possible...
It's really difficult because I can objectively say this guy Ive been involved with for the past 3 months I had not only incredible chemistry and intellectual and emotional connection with but also we got each other on such a deep level that seems irreplaceable. He's done a lot of self work over the years (so did I) and we related to each other so well. Unfortunately it didn't work out due to distance and possibly some other factors. I find it extremely hard to let go of because I've never felt that way with anyone in my 29 years. Of course there were things I did see him and didn't like that much but overall I think what we had was very special. But he ultimately made a decision not to pursue it further due to distance. Which is a comforting thought in a way because it makes me think that maybe while he valued our relationship greatly, he didn't see as much of a potential as I did, otherwise he'd give it an honest shot irrespective of the distance (some 1,300 + km..). Why is life so unfair sometimes?
It meant you weren't among his priorities. I hope you will feel better looking at the him from this angle. I'm sure we will meet that someone who will have us as one of their top priorities and we too view them the same.
The right man will never leave. Everything will be ok. We have all been through it. Jesus helps me stay on the right track now that I have him in my life. Praying you know Jesus too. 🙏🏽🫶
it's really crazy to me how men have this sense of abundancy. they will meet a women with who they can have great chemistry, but decide she isn't their dream girl so they'll just move on to the next one. meanwhile we women try to hold on to any man. with who with have great chemistry because it is just so rare that it happens... we want to find ways to make it work, give a shot at a relationship even when a man isn't our dream man but good enough, but the opposite doesn't seem to be true at all.
@saku.544 so they feel it with so many women?
For me, it's so rare to click and connect on such a deep level, that's why I'm grieving this loss so :(
I fully understand your disappointment, however there are a few things worth to be mentioned: if he lives abroad/is a foreigner, then I assume you knew about this circumstance from the beginning. It's one of those factors which must be taken into consideration immediately after we meet someone. Same thing happens in long-distance friendships. You have a friend, yet it's not really a type of friend you really need. Because such person won't help you when you're in need at 2a.m.
Distance always makes a huge problem. It's rare to overcome it. People able to overcome it must be willing to take a risk and believe that the risk is worth taking.
I was in a LRD relationship, it failed really badly. My ex bf didn't understand that I literally became fully dependent on him as a foreigner in his country.
What you are saying about having a deep connection in 3 months.... I'd call it fascination or infatuation. I don't know if you met in real life or not. If not - then it was all built around a fantasy about that person. You said :"He's done a lot of self work over the years" - how do you know that? People claim things which cannot be proven. But they say them to impress others.
"he valued our relationship greatly, he didn't see as much of a potential as I did" - if he did, why he called it quits? If you're THAT great, then what did stop him? It's even moreinteresting about the potential he didn't saw in it.... like... what potential? They guy talked with you, enjoyed your company, I guess he was aware that you're attracted to him.... Its weird that he created that illusion of you being so special to him, yet he withdrew because of the distance? Then he was deeply unfair by playing your feelings, giving you false hope. At least I feel it this way.
I was once in a situation, when I was highly attracted to someone, and he was highly attracted to me, but it wouldn't work for some reason, so despite of our obvious mutual attraction, we never dated or met each other on other than a professional ground. It would be awful to give someone a false hope in such situation. I am highly suspicious about men who woo the lady, just to withdraw once she is really interested in him. It's like a guy needs an ego stroke, not a relationship.
Great content as per usual, just spotted a pattern that I find fascinating, and I thought I'd share - Have you noticed how much of an influence Audrey has had on Matthew! One superficial example of that is how often he started using the expression "rightly or wrongly", and this video is no exception! 😀
Matt is melting every single time when he can attach his surname to Audrey's given name 😊😀 And the adoring look in his eyes when he turns to her... It's so lovely and fun to watch 🎉
Great reminders-especially 3 and 5. Its so easy to have rose colored glasses on if we have deep worthiness issues.
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Matthew you have evolved. Your teachings have evolved. I really really loved this video maybe the most tipl now among your works❤. Wish you best❤
That was so powerful! Love the golden goose /egg analogy. So helpful how you broke down the halo effect & grounded it at the very end to remind me of my value. So glad I listened. Thank you! 🙏🏽 🫶🏽
"everything is rented or borrowed and everything is transient" that was the best part ✨✨❤️❤️
why did the golden egg + goose metaphor make me cry?? 😭 lmao i loved this! everything you discussed was completely on point. i appreciate your videos so much 💗
This all made sense with my relationship with my husband and why I've been so unhappy for years. With the Goose that lays the golden egg especially. I have lost myself for years because he's taken all of my energy and focus and twists everything to make it not special, then everytime I show/say something about it and not being happy, somehow he twists my energy and focus back to the "good" about him again so that "everything" is back to normal for him.
I'm not sure if I'm explaining myself very good but I hope you know/understand what I'm trying to say.
I love and hate how true everything his said in this video 😂👏👏
God is good. I was reflecting on this today and got to just the first part of your message after hours of contemplation. Then I saw your video and God is speaking through you. I do love the final message that our value is within us and that can never be taken away. This is so important to hear both for secular and spiritual perspectives. Also loving the weekly newsletter, seems like Ali Abdaal is becoming an influence.
I really appreciated your video especially the last part about the goose, Atwood's house and the fact that since everything is transient, we are what will stay in our lives. It makes me think of a famous Persian song by Googoosh where it is said " I am a guest like you, in this house, I won't stay", where the house is a metaphor of life. Thank you so much.🙏
Hi, to be honest this is the best video up until now for me. It’s like not only a relationship advice but it’s actually a truth we almost loose sight of because of the ups and downs of life. I think i am gonna always listen to this video every time i have hard time. Thank you so much for this amazing video.
I need to hear this.. love you matt
Love the video, thank you Matt! I found that the "Halo-Effect" has another layer of projection. I not only put the other one on a pedestal, but I project my own needs and wishes and therefore in a way myself onto the other person I like. That makes it impossible for me to see him/her the way they truly are.
I realized that a few years ago and it really was a game changer for me. Now I'm way calmer when I meet someone I like. I'm not waiting hours on end for them to text or thinking about what I did wrong and how it is my fault they left. I'm relaxed and in peace with myself. That was a really empowering experience for me and I hope I can internalize it even more over the upcoming years :)
Sending much love
A very sincere message with amazing, deep thoughts. #5 reminds me of the lyrics from a Kelly Clarkson song "never let a man help her off her throne". Thanks for making this, Matthew. I'm sure it's helping a lot of people: me included!
This is the best video you have ever made! I knew I was the Goose all along, and you confirmed it so well. Thank you for such insightful content!
So valuable advice for me right now and I am 68 years old and dating! Trying to build a friendship before comitting too and putting a partner on a pedestal!
This was such a great video today Matthew!! ❤ I really loved the Goose and the Golden Egg analogy. All of your advice is so practical but so important!
That last five minutes was incredibly power filled. Thank you.
I so much appreciate the levity you bring to the subject of your videos. I’ve definitely needed to remind myself of these things you point out here now that I am going back out into the dating world, which I thought was a thing of the past. Thank you for making it make sense!❤
This was very helpful to hear, thank you🙏.
After having a moment of chemistry with someone I just met (at a workshop), my mind kept on replaying it, and the desire for them to text me was strong (and SO annoying!!).
I seemed to have overvalued chemistry. A common pattern of mine.
My takeaway from this video:
My vision for an amazing relationship still stands true, which I was just reminded of again❤.
And that vision has multiple important ingredients, w/chemistry being just ONE small part. Important, but small.
Oh, and I married (then divorced) someone because I overvalued mutual interest.
We ended up misaligned in most of our top values and beliefs.
I do NOT intend to repeat that one. Thank you for the reminder!
Appreciate this space to help me process🙏
This couldn’t be more perfectly timed thank you Matt ❤
Your philosophies have been so helpful in navigating relationships. Thank you so much for reminding us about the inherent value within ourselves
I’m talking to this person for about 7 months now, and she wants to become a doctor, and doesn’t want to focus on any boys but before that, we were talking and got really close. Until she needed to focus on studies more. I created such a strong obsession with because of how amazing and how beautiful she is, how I want her to be just as amazed of me I am of her. I’ve been watching your videos and throughout my life I have struggled keeping a steady relationship bc of jumping in so quickly. Everything you said in this video and a couple others a few weeks ago, you have opened my eyes of how much I have yet to learn about myself and more of why I’m struggling. But right now I’m stuck in a position where I’m obsessed over her, and she’s giving me mixed signals some days obsessed with me and some days just doesn’t text at all. I’m scared I’m going to lose her and that all this is temporary. I’m worried I’m not gonna find anyone as beautiful as her. Then again I haven’t even bothered looking because I’m trying to stay loyal to her. I’m just in a bit of a pickle right now, but your videos are definitely helping me and opening my eyes to this things. Thank you
Watch Corey Wayne mate.Thank me later
Love the analogy of the goose. I feel this video was meant for me! Ended a situationship. Still missing the texts/anticipation of seing him next. We have a social activity in common latin danse. I am reclaiming my hobby by going to new venues with less chances of seing him .This video helps me change back my focus on me. Thank you!
The fact that we are the goose that lay the golden eggs is so beautiful
Thank for this one mathew ❤️
Thank you Matthew, this was exactly what I needed. 3 weeks ago I went to a first date and she did not want a second date even tho she was the one who wanted to meet me in the first place. Anways I felt bad since I have invested more than I should have. I feel much better after watching many of your videos and this one as well. Always the goose not the egg got it🥰
Thank you Matthew. I’ll remind myself I’m the goose 😊
It’s been 12 months since I started dating and it’s been a painful and sometimes funny but worthy journey of growth… I can actually look back and see how far I’ve come..
Ohh this is so helpful as I am so frustrated with myself and my head!!
just love the 5th point, really a wake up call
Perfect timing it was so appropriate for what I’m experiencing right now And definitely saw is humaness❤. Thank you very much keep up the good work
Thank you, Matt. I think noticing when I am being to generous about how awesome someone is off too little data and going “Ah… the halo effect” is going to be so helpful.
The urgency principle made me smile because in the London renting scene, you sometimes have to settle and hope a place doesn’t disappear immediately because of scarcity, so it’s good to notice if my thinking about dating has strayed into London renting vibes!
I’m going to be putting these tips into good use… particularly mindful curiosity about who someone truly is and not burying the lede and I’m hopeful it’ll make a difference 🙏❤️
Thanks as always for your excellent and compassionate advice. We appreciate you.
The very reason I saw ur video in 2017 was I liked ur looks, since I am someone who knows my worth, when I heard u talking, I thought this guy talks like me & understands the depth of the situation as I do being a Virgo ♍ & a Tarot Reader from India. I want to pay my gratitude from my side & also for the people who listen to u & get help in their situation.. 🙏🏻
I need to stop burying the ledge 😄, thank you Matthew!
this video is life changing for me - thank u sooo much !!
Well this showed up in my feed at the perfect time, as I’m wallowing in feeling like an option to someone who I’ve made a priority and put on a pedestal….
Such a wonderful video Matthew. Exactly what I needed to hear 😇😂🙈 So many useful and important thoughts that we keep forgetting. Thanks for reminding us that we are amazing and valuable ❤ Best greetings from Switzerland 🇨🇭
Matthew, what a strong valuable lesson that is worth watching numerous times. Especially the goose and the golden egg, I rewatched that portion more than once. Yes, I am the sh- and can lay another golden egg, he's just one of many and I can do it again. Priceless!
I love your teachings, your clarities and your generosity of sharing them. Thank you so much
Dang, I did do it. I may not have found a committed and dedicated relationship yet, but I just had my first kiss with someone I truly loved this year. I guess I am the golden goose. And I can make more eggs. I needed that. 😎
Hi Matt, thank you, thank you, thank you for your story about the gooze and the golden eggs ❤ It really got me. It's so important to realize about this, recognize our value and protect it. I've talked about my coach about this, I haven't realized before that I used to gave my power to the other person. I will remember now, that I'm the gooze.
Thank you! These were very good things to keep in mind.
Thankewwwww for reminding me my value matthew❤❤love from india
The Value is in the Golden Goose not the golden eggs ❤
Omg what I need right now! I really like the last tip! It really helps me! Thanks Matt ❤
One on best videos you’ve made Matthew. Especially what you said at the end. Ultimately it all comes down to just that. xx
Great video. Ypur communication skills just gets better. Very valuable content, thank you for this. Greetings from Madrid !
Your videos are SO helpful. Have your book too 🙏
❤ the goose and golden eggs part. Thank you
I am so grateful for this video. I am exactly in a situation where I was needing thia reassurance about my dating process. I wish you would post more videos!! And i enjoyed the goose parable a lot. It mooved me a lot. I will listen to it again when I feel distressed. :) thank you. You always make my days :) and i totally agree on what you said.
Great video Matthew. Glad you addressed this all-too-common issue! Love the goose and golden eggs analogy!
It's my first being in the relationship that I think really worth and I can imagine the future with. But my fear of maybe not being able to meet this kind of person ever again was making me feel little anxious. Never in my life I felt so excited to meet someone or to wait them to arrive or to try to understand every situations because it's him. He does love me back, most of the time I'm really bad at showing how much I love him, I'm just not good at expressing it but I'm learning and trying everyday. And today I realized that this neediness of mine might be making this relationship hard to go on. Even if I try not to show it, my partner will definitely feel my anxiousness and uneasiness. I should give more relaxation to my mind that it's okay even if it doesn't work out at the end. If it works it's good, but if it doesn't then we can move on happily and go on an another journey to find the one. Even if we marry, we're still individuals with free of choice and deserve to live happy with person we love. This mindset I learned from this video is giving me all I needed. Now I can be more calm, easy but still committed to this relationship. Thanks for the video. It was totally worth watching it and commenting
Thank you Matthew for reminding me to focus on myself. ❤
Wow this got really deep and philosophical. Love it. Thank you so much for this lesson.
Thank you for the powerful steps and clarifications, Matthew. You are able to say the tough things with love. Thank you/1
Exactly what i needed to hear 🙈. Wow, again!
Wow such an amazing video. So insightful that much of the reason we see them as we do is because of how we see ourselves
18:00 this is so true and so important!
Thank you so much! This advice is pure gold 💛
Guilty. Soo hard to not do. I feel that this cognitive bias happens in every sphere of life. Have to be mindful. But emotions can easily sweep you along with the tide. Lust can also give you a foggy view of things. Oh Matthew, why does a mental reboot feel like that scene in Kickboxer when Van Damme gets his legs stretched to the point he looks like he might actually get ripped apart. Must breath into the discomfort but OMG. Thanks for this btw.🏋🏽♀️❤
Awesome advice! Thanks Matt
Thank you so much for your invaluable and impressive video. God bless you 🙏 ❤️ ❤
Só good to hear from you MH! Thank you VM. Cheers 🫂
Beautiful closing music. Really beautiful.
I LIKE THE WAY YOU BRING ALL WHAT MEANS TO HAVE I GOOD RELATIONSHIP.
Great video as always, Matthew! Loved the analogy of the goose
Thank you Matt. I expecially love the last thing that youvsaid, it can be applied to life in general.
That was pure gold, thank you.
Thank you so much, I love the goose me 😊, and i will always treasure that the most .
This is Golden ✨✨
Thank you Matthew for another great reminder. ❤
This is actually really good
Thank you so much. That Was versteht helpfull for me and also entertaining.❤❤❤
Thank you Matthew, i needed that :)
I am doing this as he’s pulling back, we’ve talked about it, he says he’s not able to fall in love, this has helped me so much, lm gonna back off him some, give some space
I would like to know why we obsess about someone who is unavailable?
Look for this book called "Attached" and you gonna understand why.
Hey matt I love your videos so much..... Plz make a video about red flags in a relationship....God bless you ❤❤❤
I am the goose!!! Never thought like that....thank you!!