Favorite books including The Whole Brain Child: www.amazon.com/shop/anapsychology/list/2U86DCGR39MB9 As an Amazon affiliate I earn from qualifying purchases!
During trauma, it seems like we go to the small brain to function and we don’t use the higher orders of that brain wouldn’t you say that’s the default? if so, will this book help us cure trauma?
I can imagine. Isn't it exactly the job of the therapist to bridge that gap and give both parties the tools to then help themselves? I would think that's exactly their job. If they don't do that, maybe it's time to find a different therapist that is a better fit?
@@BadNessie If the gap is too big no therapist is going to be able to "fix" that. This is the very reason it‘s frowned upon if an over-30y/o dates a freshly 18y/o. Some gaps are just too big, and it hurts both in their development if they stay together.
@@blue-uv4mh well yes, coming to the conclusion that the relationship isn't a healthy fit is definitely an option that even a therapist can help get nearer. Their job is not to 'fix' the relationship, no matter what. It's to moderate their communication in a way they can actually figure things out themselves, no matter what the outcome will be.
@@BadNessieyou're so right. It also involves helping them accept the other person the way they are, mature or not and making them realise their own shortcomings too. The ultimate goal is to know how to love one another better.
I'm 43 and regressed into childhood, making me think of the song by Enigma's return to innocence. You're not necessarily childish but more childlike. There's a big difference.
@@cowoverthemoono, there isn't a big difference at all...the task of adulthood is maturity and being child like is antithetical to that. It can be therapeutic sometimes (think inner child work, childlike wonder, etc) but it's generally not a healthy goal for adults to be childlike. And other adults will notice your limitations and not respect you so it's not an optimal behavior choice.
@embermist3910 I wouldn't say that is sexism. I've heard plenty of stories about fathers abandoning their child/children, letting the mother raise the child by their own. But I believe that the opposite scenario is much rarer, which makes being the only child of a single mother an assumption that is not super far-fetched.
@embermist3910on sex, reality and their own experience. I guess multiple statements can be true at the same time even if they seeminly contradict each other. Complicated world eh?
It’s unfair to offload emotional regulation onto other people. I don’t see why adults deserve such a high level of compassion when they’re essentially bullying you into prioritizing their feelings over your own.
It depends on who the person is. Some people genuinely don't know better, and if you love them, you'll meet them where they are. If they love you back, they will improve.
Showing compassion to people who don't deserve it is a lot less energy sucking than getting stuck in a petty argument. This is purely my own experience, but I use these in my day to day life to not have to deal with immature people longer than necessary lol.
I was initially nervous to watch this video because I subconsciously thought that treating people like children would mean treating them the way my parents treated me - not very nicely. But as usual you are spot on. I sometimes find it hard to comfort people who react in unexpected ways to situations like the ones you mentioned, and these seem like the approaches I need to do better at comforting people like that. Thanks for another great video :)
@emisunflowers Yes. This. I thought about exactly the same thing. That many parents often don't treat their kids very nicely. So the concept is good and I actually agree with it for multiple reasons, but 'treating someone like a kid' can be misconstrued. Thanks for sharing. :)
I don't know that I agree with the 25 y/o maturity thing. I've met people who are younger than me and are intellectual, emotionally mature and educated, can admit when they're wrong or don't know something. And then I know people who are older than me by decades and act like toddlers, sans any actual disorder that would cause regressiveness.
i think after 25 some people can become less impulsive but i don't think it has anything to do with their maturity, and i think maturity has a lot to do with their education as well
^ and upbringing. Parenting is everything, and children who were attended to growing up, but also given appropriate indepenence according to age, taught good emotional regulation, not neglected and not spoiled, encouraged yet also given duly needed reality checks, all fare batter in the end because they have a lot more tools for life, are critical thinkers, think ahead, learn to express themselves in healthy, understandable manner at the appropriate time. And those are all signs of maturity.
Like she said, if they’re ~25+ and they’re still throwing tantrums, it’s usually a conscious effort. They’re doing it to push their own desires. If they’re younger, they were just simply raised right or they’re just more emotionally mature (which can be a result of trauma, but can also just happen).
I like the distinction of honoring a downstairs tantrum and guiding them out of it, but not tolerating/allowing an upstairs tantrum without consequences or setting/enforcing your boundaries
I'm not saying you're completely wrong, but if an adult is used to being treated like a child, they may find it harder and harder to get away from their childish behavior.
That makes sense and I partly agree with it. I think they would get used to it and continue to behave like a child if there was no dialogue and accountability afterwards though. I think it’s important to treat them like a child when they’re being immature because it’ll help them start to mature more. It makes up for parenting they lacked in childhood. Plus I personally think we’re all immature to some level as we’re all continuously growing and learning and sometimes we do behave immaturely when it’s out of our character especially if we’re under stress due to lack of sleep, life transitions etc. And I think it’s important anyway if we’re able to be there for each other in those immature moments because they do happen and it’s nice to be treated with understanding and kindness. I think it brings about good karma as well so when you’re in an immature moment yourself someone will be there to help you grow and feel understood. Hopefully that makes sense lol. That’s my take on it.
i think thats where boundaries (=consequences) will play a big part. treating them in the way shown here is only teaching them how to regulate. setting boundaries will force them to use what we taught them on their own.
Could you do a video about immature coworkers? Or just coworkers who disrespect your boundaries, what to do when you have to hang out with them all day
Yes I second this, being trapped with toxic/immature coworkers feels like a prison sentence. I try to focus on my work and tuning them out as much as possible, but they'll make it into a literal circus or instigate to get me to quit or get fired
Hmm this is interesting to me, I went through an experience where someone I was living with was treating me like I was not just a child but their child (and they aren’t my parent, I barely knew them). Constantly bossing me around, getting on my case about their disapproval on any little thing I did or didn’t do. It was a nightmare. They even went as far to say I was like a two year old. I had tried on numerous occasions to meet them half way, come to them with reasonable expectations of respect, & used my words carefully. But at some point I had enough, & started acting like the defiant brat they had already characterized me as. 🤷🏼♀️ I didn’t feel like I had any other option, I didn’t have the means to move out. I was trapped. Edited: I am out now, though the person is still in my life due to them being in proximity to a loved one. I play polite now, but I don’t think I can ever trust them. I don’t feel emotionally safe around them.
Oof that sounds more like MIStreating a child than like treating you like a child. None of these behaviors are a good way to even act around a child. I'm glad you got out!
This guy was fretting that I declined his requests to call me twice (informed him I was doing something) yet I talked to my friend who was overwhelmed with a pregnancy that came too soon. He had nothing important to talk to me about, just him being needy. I'm learning how to be patient and explained the difference between the times they called (and the weight of the topic) but how could a grown a man not understand. He's like a chiId who wants to be played with first regardless of the circumstances.
I don't know if you've read this book: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. I would highly recommend that book and would love to hear your commentary on it.
As a person who has dealt with a person like this my whole life. We have to realize when a person acts like a child when they are significantly in their adulthood they never change. It’s heartbreaking but you either have to accept their childish tendencies or move on which sucks a lot
@@heav2582The problem is that change comes from an insintric motivation...if it were an external motivation the immature adult just neglects any accountability. Adult children can act like that all their life but whenever that family member or partner either stops with their bullshit or something happends that cannot depend on other people they will either get worse or decide to make a change,
@@heav2582 To do that, you need to be mature enough to have the self awareness to know you are not mature. After age 30, you either get it, or you don't.
If teachers or parents treat neurodivergent kids this way, they may feel that they have no motivation to become an adult because all of the benefits that come with being an adult (and you know that parents are still gonna push some of the responsibilities of an adult into the kids) are with out of reach, and different adults (people over the age of 18) have different ideas of what it means to be an adult, AND THEY ALL THINK THAT THEY'RE RIGHT. it seems most people don't know that adults and children are social constructs, and often times, neurodivergent people can't act like how some people with power over them expect them to act. I had to live a secret life away from my parents because I knew that I wouldn't learn the things I did had I just tried to force myself to be what my parents wanted me to be. I revealed in family therapy that I have lived a secret life, and they don't even believe me because I don't remember every single thing that I have learned, and so they still believe that I haven't grown up, and that I am just lazy. I still believe that my life would have been objectively better HD my parents stopped parenting me at the age of 18, but it took tons of push back (which reversed after I became hospitalized) and now, at the age of 25, they have finally decided to stop parenting me, but i think that it is partly because they gave up.
For number 4, don't allow upstairs tantrums, you mentioned disabilities so I thought Id throw in my 2 cents as an autistic person. Id actually agree with this rule and Id caution non autistic people to not mistake autistic meltdowns for tantrums. This can be a great way to injure an autistic adult and especially an autistic child. These could be considered similar to "downstairs tantrums" and its better to ride them out and let them calm down before doing any talking/repairing.
I definetly agree with you on the saying "drunk words are sober thoughts" Loved the tips and thankfully I've already been using some of the skills so that shows I'm on the right track (the definitely help from what I've seen so far. )
You shouldn't be. I'm 1 point away from level 2 and it's really hard to control your emotions all the time, especially when abuse is being put onto you. I have to remind myself that the times that I've lost control, it was in response to someone going out of control at me first and they aren't taking accountability, they're just telling me to calm down.
The way you are is the way you should be. My first thought when I read the video title was "that sounds ableistic!". Please don't internalize any message of being "not good enough".
@@obnoxintI don’t think that’s helpful to say, „You are the way you should be“, when you know that’s not true. You are taking away the right to be sad about the loss of what could have been. It’s not recognizing the grief and not allowing the space for it. It is what it is but it’s still a loss.
Clearly you are self aware, if self-effacing. You know when to reflect and what your patterns are. Sometimes (no shade) neurotypical people don't realise they have to do this because no one external has told them they're 'abnormal'. Perhaps you've been told that too much in your life. Shame feeds on itself and leaves you no energy for anything else; getting to where you should be means listening to yourself without moral condemnation. You have ASD 2, but a diagnosis is really the name attached to the behaviours you display. So you know what they are. And you'll feel how to deal with them before, after, or during if you take them as a neutral state -- just a matter of life you are not at fault for.
this video was really helpful for seeing how to treat myself! i also really like how seriously you take this without making it difficult to understand. you seem really well read and like you really know what youre talking about.
Can you please make a video on how to heal from a mother wound, mother abandoning, emotuonally blackmailing since childhood, lovebombing, a narcissistic mother... The effects it has on us, how it manifests... Just anything. Its really hard right now, as she always goes back and forth from abandoning and loving... Been 12years.
The connect and redirect is a good strategy to use in de-escalation as well! I worked with youth ( as of a few weeks ago, now work in another role) and when they popped off it was used a lot to try to calm down the situation.
Ana! This video is so stinking good you articulated and provided the science about what I have been intuitively doing ( not just to emotionally immature people but to everyone to prevent hurting feelings, effectively getting my point through and making them more aware of themselves) and thinking ( giving far more leeway to those who *pyschically* can not emotionally regulate). August love love love!!!!
Really important topic and skill set for the world that's full of immature but old enough people and those who Choose "violence". This who can't regulate is the one who's being abused more than those who's being aggressive by choice.
This is slightly triggering to me because its exactly how I've been talking to my parents, even tho they traumatized me and didnt treat me well as a child. My parents weren't ready to have children at all
What if something is (for lack of a better word) triggering to somebody? When I was with my ex, I found it difficult to address past fights. Bringing a fight up was often enough to reignite the fight.
I heard another therapist on UA-cam say "you are responsible for your triggers" in the context of the person being triggered needs to be doing active work to minimize their response to triggers. You can't be responsible for their triggers but you can ask about them and try your best to avoid the triggers. So maybe instead of bringing up the fight in the context of it being a past fight maybe reframing the question about what the fight was about and talk about your feelings first that way they have the space to talk about theirs. Try really hard not to play the blame game or present your feelings as "you just don't care about me" remember you aren't a mind reader and even though their actions hurt you it's not productive to restart the fights. They are exhausting to fight about over and over you deserve that energy to better serve you to be fillfulled by the relationship not drained by it. Hope it gets better for you.
@@wrongname2702 That's really good advice. It's hard to realize when you're just acting up, vs the other person not caring about what triggers you & continuing to put you in those situations. Essentially, it can make people in toxic relationships who don't have discernment think it's 100% their fault whenever they're triggered, when things can be done to minimize it. When in a relationship, either's mental health stops being a personal, individual thing, because you affect eachother.
Thank you for all your insight! The concept of brain integration was new to me in the context of children. My thoughts drifted away in the middle. I need to watch again. I think if people you knew that all brains are wired differently, we could show more understanding.
02:30 Do you have any videos on how we can become more nuanced in our way of thinking? I'm someone who's trying to learn that but I notice that even if I do emphasize with other people and I can understand their perspective, I tend to be get very frustated still later and I think that my way of thinking is correct and they're so wrong so they're either "stupid" or there's something wrong with them.
This was quite insightful cus I have a friend who's 2 years older than me and we're both over 25, but I try not to take mutual friends' perspectives in saying that he's emotionally immature and make a conclusion for myself. I am currently trying to distance myself from this person as I do agree with the statement of wanting to surround myself with better people, though on the other hand, I try my best to be friends with this person without him feeling like he could step over my boundaries. Thank you for implementing examples as always, and looking forward to your next video!
If you are in any type of relationship with a narcissist, and especially a malignant vulnerable narcissist or if it is a family member, coworker you must interact with, they ALWAYS behave like children. The worst thing you can ever do is to treat them like children. They will exploit you and usually sooner than later harm you every time. I am not even a minute into this video and I can't watch it knowing the absolute harm this will cause to anyone that takes this person's advice if they are involved in any way with a narcissist.
Well in that case, I'd just go with the title in the most practical way possible: not sticking up to or tolerating them, aka "putting them in their place". In fact, being a doormat with infinite patience isn't even how you're supposed to treat children. Dr. Ana is right: establish boundaries with consequences.
For skill 1, what happens if they deny they're having an emotion at all and are insisting you're the emotional one, and theyre using blaming language to circumvent aconowldging feeling? Ie insted of "i feel so unsupported by you" you'e being met with a barrage of personal criticisms abour yourself as a person- "you alwaus do things wrong, you did this and you're like that" ?
22:20 Even Anna Akana said this! Ever since hearing that, I've been inculcating that in myself too! So glad I watch videos like this :) makes me want to improve myself and makes me realise that there is a lot of humility in being human and not knowing things.
I heard a mother taliking to her child this way, after the kid had a tantrum that turned into a meltdown, that is a totally different thing. The kid was telling the mother how he felt but the mother didn't understand or listen and didn't wait until the motion had passed. She was just basically shaming the kid for telling about his feelings. This can so easily be used to make children believe that there's something wrong with the way they're feeling or the way they are and lead to dysregulated adults later on life. "Double empathy problem" makes this a weapon, not a recousfull tool for neurotypicals that try to talk to autistic people. When saying "I understand that you feel 'this way' because of 'this thing' " is gonna lead to lot of shit, because you can't read someones thoughts and why exactly they feel some way. You can't understand, if you don't ask first - and even then, you fully can't understand. Saying that is really condescending and not helpful at all.
Hi Dr. Ana! Loving the new videos! Could you perhaps do a video on your preparations to get into grad school and journey through grad school to become a Psychologist? What were some of the requirements and recommendations to get accepted into a grad program? How did you maintain a good GPA to get accepted? What were the financial Costs? What was the experience- in terms of education workload and overall environment in grad school like? Pros and cons of grad school? All questions and answers similar to these are welcome. Thank You.
My boyfriend's older brother is 30 years old, has autism, but has never left the house or gotten a job. His parents spoil him. His few responsibilities are doing some house chores, and he throws tantrums about that. My bf and I worry for him. I have no idea if his tantrums are "upstairs" or "downstairs" but my frustration has me believe he's just spoiled and doesnt want to grow up. Then again, autism is a spectrum, and his might be worse than others I know who at least make an effort to be better versions of themselves. Idk. I watched the video to try and get some insight but its hard to say where the problem lies...
dont know if what im going to say is an unpopular opinion, or im just selfish....... but if in early stages of a relatioship (talking stages), whether its a romantic relationship or just a friendship, i see that the person im talking to has the mind of a kid ---- he or she is immature ---- i inmediately decide not to continue evolving the relationship into something else (bigger and better); im not someones father, teacher or mentor thats there for him/her to mature if he or she is the same age as me. maturity is one of those things in life that arent and shouldnt be taught by someone else; its life experiences that make one mature....... yes, if i realize he or she is immature, i move on. dont have much time to invest it into an adultchild........
.034 or Less than 1 percent of the population actually have these neurological defects. With that small of a sample size, there’s obviously not going to be anything other than speculation and predicaments about how these are correlated.
Yea it’s not up to me to teach a grown person, that should have consideration for my feelings as well
4 місяці тому+2
I have a friend who is very immature and invasive and it was hard for me to set boundaries with her since she kept on overstepping them, so now I feel drained whenever I'm around her or even when I think about her or people like her. I see her everyday because we are classmates 😪 thank you for this video
Hey Ana, could you make a video one day on birth order? All of my girlfriends are eldest daughters, like me. I'm curious if that is a coincidence, or do we attract each other. When it comes to dating, I've noticed I am drawn to the youngest.
I really enjoy watching your videos. Yes, I agree drunk words are sober thoughts. Intoxication makes them unable to hide how they really feel or think 💭
What if my parents treat me like a child even though I'm 18 and a half? I aint immature. I wanna get tf outta my house, and my friends are helping me out. My parents have procrastinated helping me get my drivers license for YEARS. God, they made it so I couldnt take drivers edd in 10'th grade by making it stupidly hard to get my permit.
I'm confused. If I'm feeling strong negative emotions because of my partner's mistreatment, and even though I'm trying to suppress them and "choose" not to cry, but I can't, does this mean that I'm immature?
Im not sure if i got it right. But to me it sounds like you see crying as immature? Its rather normal to cry if you feel hurt. Showing emotions, even strong ones, does not mean you are immature. The way you go at it may have more of a say about that than the feeling itself
i bought a book like that for a friend and added a couple pages of my own. you could not tell the book had been altered in any way. using the style of the author, i went into depth about how a baby's reaction to the pull my finger joke is used as a milestone gauge by pediatricians, worldwide. i thought it was funny
I’m a fairly new subscriber. Your content is amazing!! The tips you shared in this video are very helpful. Thank you!! I’m in my mid-30s, and for as long as I can remember I’ve always been fascinated by human behavior. (I’ve been told by strangers and friends alike that I have a therapist-type personality.) Also, I just subscribed to your book channel. I’m a book fanatic! If you’re interested, can I give you a nonfiction book suggestion? I read it a few years back. It’s been life changing for me!
You’re very welcome! 🙂 Thank you for taking the time to respond. I appreciate it. I’m excited to be here!!So the book is called: AnxietyRx by Dr. Russell Kennedy. Dr. Kennedy is a neuroscientist, somatic practitioner, and an anxiety specialist based in Canada. He’s been interviewed on numerous podcasts, and he’s all over Instagram. Just Google his name. Nothing else I’ve tried-with regard to managing my anxiety, with the exception of physical exercise-on my own has worked as well as his theory does; he suffered from severe anxiety as well. His theory is counterintuitive. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. I’d be curious to hear your perspective on it given that you are in the field. Oh, and he’s also on UA-cam!
So if I’m in a relationship with someone who is 21 and throwing temper tantrums are you saying thats warranted for? It seems like an excuse, but I also feel like my mental age is older than I actually am.
As someone who was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, I find it a bold statement that people over 25 can self-regulate and that the tantrums are deliberate. Setting boundaries as you suggested might actually cause individuals to get harmed when dealing with BPD, as it's like pouring gasoline on a fire. A simple Google search reveals that this is not recommended.
She very much qualified that there were cases, like certain mental health conditions, that were exceptions to that statement. However, it is SUPER important for the people in your life to be able to establish healthy boundaries around you and have those boundaries respected. I am bipolar, another serious condition which physically disrupts my ability to emotionally regulate. But I am in charge of not hurting the people around me, anyway. When I mess up, it is my responsibility to learn how to change so that I am not causing harm intentionally or unintentionally. BPD does not mean the people around you cannot have boundaries.
Is cerebral palsy considered a brain injury for the purpose of upstairs versus downstairs tantrums? I have cerebral palsy and I have always had a hard time regulating my emotions. I've been to therapy and take psychiatric medications,. I don't have downstairs tantrums or at least what I think we're downstairs tantrums nearly as much as I used to when I was a teenager, but I do still have some. Or at least it feels like it's out of control.
@Ana: Would you say that avoidantly attached people have emotional self-control? I had a few situations with someone I knew where they basically had a small tantrum about seemingly unimportant things: their brand of milk not being in the fridge, me speaking to them in slightly upset tones after they woke me up while trying to sleep, misinterpreting texts, them thinking I was ignoring tham when they'd asked for space etc. Relationships obviously make some people more emotionally dysregulated but...
From what I've heard it is more suppression than control. You tune out all emotions for years and this makes it hard to connect with yourself and others.
That depends per person really. I have been both anxious and avoidant(still working on it), been with both partners and we all had different ways of acting on things. A lot of overlapping too ofcourse. But things like tantrums is something i cant recognize myself in, tho my partners definitely would have those. They seemed to be generally rather emotionally immature (not to say i wasnt) with lack of self reflecting or empathy. Even tho i have avoidant tendencies, i grew up to be hyper sensitive about my actions and consequences. So things like throwing tantrums just was a no go for me as it was also heavily punished if i even would. My partners on the other hand may not have had big consequences to these tantrums. May even be a self learnt tool to how they would get their way or perhaps self sabotage. So yeh again, really depends per person. All comes down to emotion regulation i think. So maybe not so surprising
Hey Dr. Ana! Thanks a lot for your work. You helped me a lot with your videos! I have a question, and maybe you can help me with it. (Also, I'm sorry for my English, I'm no native speaker) My ex boyfriend was childish, but in a different way. Whenever he had a problem with me, he started showing me the cold shoulder. I always asked, if everything was alright, that I feel something is wrong, but he would always tell me that 'everything is fine'. At one point he stopped greeting me when he came home. He wouldn't speak a word for several weeks, and I felt like an idiot, constantly trying to get him to talk. We stopped having s*x for several months at this point, but I kept trying talking to him in a very calm voice but as always 'everything is fine'. I think half a year went on like this, until he finally broke the silence and said, that he was jealous because of my previous boyfriend. He broke it off with me, and his main complaint about our relationship was, that I never shouted. Whenever I wanted or needed something from him, or whenever I was annoyed with anything I usually just talked about it in an mature and calm way. And he told me, that I should have shouted at one point in our relationship, and that was the reason why he broke up. Is it really necessary, to go get mad in relationships? What should I do when my partner doesn't want to talk about things, and is showing me the cold shoulder for weeks/months? Till this day, I still think about the breakup and I haven't had a relationship afterwards for years now. I really thought that we could marry one day, and I tried my best to put everything into that relationship, but I never got the warmth from my ex boyfriend which I wanted. Maybe you can make a video about it? Thanks a lot in advance!
He was baiting you. What would have happened if you had actually shouted is that he would have used that as the reason to break up because "they're crazy and hysterical!". He had already decided to break up, he just wanted you to be the bad guy and give him a good reason to do so. So no, shouting and getting mad is not necessary, you were just incompatible.
"When I have kids". Boy it's never easier to be a parent than before you have kids. I will just validate them and they will be great! How about, you do everything right and they are rude to you and say no to everything you ask, no matter how reasonable or how you approach it.
The skills could definitely be helpful with anyone, but ideally you wouldn't need them with someone who's psychologically developed for their age. For example, you shouldn't need to model morality for someone to be moral, or to walk the other person through regulating their own emotions during a conflict. But sure, it can't hurt!
Most of the time the new weird psychopathic type of helping nature & attitude these days is more dangerous than anything else because most people these days keep developing new ways of saying no & like corona virus's defense mechanisms, most people are now developing new ways to lie & deceive about everything, for example: like imagining that first helpless person has to wait for help on the road for several hours after the accident, then the second person comes to the scene, then to the first person that second person suddenly starts giving educational speech about everything, lectures about everything, motivational speech about everything & then starts showing advertisements on mobile phone about everything instead of providing immediate help & then that second person runs away without providing any official effective help. 16/05/2024, thursday 16 may 2024, 12:41 p.m, indore, madhya pradesh, india.
About "maybe you should consider what Im going through", I think it feels bitchy. I believe it's because if the other person can't know about the extreme circumstances he kind of has a point about being mad. Its only because the extreme situation that those get over ruled but yet he can't really know about the circumstances so he shouldn't be expected to. I realize it's an example but I wanted to share my thoughts
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Nice video. There is a typo in your Skill 8 time stamp in the summary. Says 10:xx should be 20:xx.
I wouldn’t say this is always true with immature people can this be true with triggers for people that have complex post traumatic stress or PTSD?
During trauma, it seems like we go to the small brain to function and we don’t use the higher orders of that brain wouldn’t you say that’s the default? if so, will this book help us cure trauma?
Couples therapy is a huge pain when there is a maturity gap between partners.
I can imagine. Isn't it exactly the job of the therapist to bridge that gap and give both parties the tools to then help themselves? I would think that's exactly their job. If they don't do that, maybe it's time to find a different therapist that is a better fit?
@@BadNessie If the gap is too big no therapist is going to be able to "fix" that. This is the very reason it‘s frowned upon if an over-30y/o dates a freshly 18y/o. Some gaps are just too big, and it hurts both in their development if they stay together.
@@blue-uv4mh well yes, coming to the conclusion that the relationship isn't a healthy fit is definitely an option that even a therapist can help get nearer. Their job is not to 'fix' the relationship, no matter what. It's to moderate their communication in a way they can actually figure things out themselves, no matter what the outcome will be.
@@BadNessieyou're so right. It also involves helping them accept the other person the way they are, mature or not and making them realise their own shortcomings too. The ultimate goal is to know how to love one another better.
I don’t understand how you find people attractive who aren’t at least as mature as you
I'm watching this and realising that I'm sometimes immature myself. I mean, I always knew this but I realise I have a long way to go.
Awareness is key!! So proud of you for recognising that. Yeah can’t lie felt called out at some points of the video lol
That's right, it's a good watch to remind you to be aware of others because it does matter very much 👋
I'm 43 and regressed into childhood, making me think of the song by Enigma's return to innocence. You're not necessarily childish but more childlike. There's a big difference.
No one is mature all of the time as long as you are trying and improving ❤️🩹
@@cowoverthemoono, there isn't a big difference at all...the task of adulthood is maturity and being child like is antithetical to that. It can be therapeutic sometimes (think inner child work, childlike wonder, etc) but it's generally not a healthy goal for adults to be childlike. And other adults will notice your limitations and not respect you so it's not an optimal behavior choice.
Watching this is made me realize just how much I parented my parent as the only child of a parent
Only child of a single mother? Is that what you meant to say?
@embermist3910 I wouldn't say that is sexism. I've heard plenty of stories about fathers abandoning their child/children, letting the mother raise the child by their own. But I believe that the opposite scenario is much rarer, which makes being the only child of a single mother an assumption that is not super far-fetched.
@embermist3910on sex, reality and their own experience. I guess multiple statements can be true at the same time even if they seeminly contradict each other. Complicated world eh?
When is school going to realise that psychology should be taught in grade school
Good idea.
They'll "realize" once it becomes incentivized and/or normalized.
Many parents would pull their kids from public school.
@@spacebar9733why is that?
@@talandar5773 But the only way it will become normalised is if they realise it should.
It’s unfair to offload emotional regulation onto other people. I don’t see why adults deserve such a high level of compassion when they’re essentially bullying you into prioritizing their feelings over your own.
It depends on who the person is. Some people genuinely don't know better, and if you love them, you'll meet them where they are. If they love you back, they will improve.
Exactly
it happens all the time in customer service jobs unfortunately
Showing compassion to people who don't deserve it is a lot less energy sucking than getting stuck in a petty argument. This is purely my own experience, but I use these in my day to day life to not have to deal with immature people longer than necessary lol.
Well said 💯💯
I was initially nervous to watch this video because I subconsciously thought that treating people like children would mean treating them the way my parents treated me - not very nicely. But as usual you are spot on. I sometimes find it hard to comfort people who react in unexpected ways to situations like the ones you mentioned, and these seem like the approaches I need to do better at comforting people like that. Thanks for another great video :)
That’s an awesome insight! Yes, unfortunately many people think the way to treat children is to mistreat them :(
@emisunflowers
Yes. This. I thought about exactly the same thing. That many parents often don't treat their kids very nicely. So the concept is good and I actually agree with it for multiple reasons, but 'treating someone like a kid' can be misconstrued. Thanks for sharing. :)
When I read the title I was afraid that it was going to be about gaslighting.
I don't know that I agree with the 25 y/o maturity thing. I've met people who are younger than me and are intellectual, emotionally mature and educated, can admit when they're wrong or don't know something. And then I know people who are older than me by decades and act like toddlers, sans any actual disorder that would cause regressiveness.
i think after 25 some people can become less impulsive but i don't think it has anything to do with their maturity, and i think maturity has a lot to do with their education as well
^ and upbringing. Parenting is everything, and children who were attended to growing up, but also given appropriate indepenence according to age, taught good emotional regulation, not neglected and not spoiled, encouraged yet also given duly needed reality checks, all fare batter in the end because they have a lot more tools for life, are critical thinkers, think ahead, learn to express themselves in healthy, understandable manner at the appropriate time. And those are all signs of maturity.
Like she said, if they’re ~25+ and they’re still throwing tantrums, it’s usually a conscious effort. They’re doing it to push their own desires. If they’re younger, they were just simply raised right or they’re just more emotionally mature (which can be a result of trauma, but can also just happen).
Yes, that's how generalising works, there's outliers
it's a bell curve not a hard line
as an immature person this is exactly how i want to be treated
oh rlly
not what a immature person would say 🤔🤨
@@jsihavealotofplaylists really 😆💖
𝓣𝓱𝓪𝓽'𝓼 𝓸𝓴 𝓽𝓸𝓸 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓪𝓶𝓪𝔃𝓲𝓷𝓰 ❤❤❤
your not looking forward to not being inmmature? thats how this worlds going i guess...........
I like the distinction of honoring a downstairs tantrum and guiding them out of it, but not tolerating/allowing an upstairs tantrum without consequences or setting/enforcing your boundaries
I'm not saying you're completely wrong, but if an adult is used to being treated like a child, they may find it harder and harder to get away from their childish behavior.
That makes sense and I partly agree with it. I think they would get used to it and continue to behave like a child if there was no dialogue and accountability afterwards though. I think it’s important to treat them like a child when they’re being immature because it’ll help them start to mature more. It makes up for parenting they lacked in childhood. Plus I personally think we’re all immature to some level as we’re all continuously growing and learning and sometimes we do behave immaturely when it’s out of our character especially if we’re under stress due to lack of sleep, life transitions etc. And I think it’s important anyway if we’re able to be there for each other in those immature moments because they do happen and it’s nice to be treated with understanding and kindness. I think it brings about good karma as well so when you’re in an immature moment yourself someone will be there to help you grow and feel understood.
Hopefully that makes sense lol. That’s my take on it.
i think thats where boundaries (=consequences) will play a big part.
treating them in the way shown here is only teaching them how to regulate.
setting boundaries will force them to use what we taught them on their own.
Could you do a video about immature coworkers? Or just coworkers who disrespect your boundaries, what to do when you have to hang out with them all day
Yes I second this, being trapped with toxic/immature coworkers feels like a prison sentence. I try to focus on my work and tuning them out as much as possible, but they'll make it into a literal circus or instigate to get me to quit or get fired
For real. Lol certain people are deviled (selfish).
Hmm this is interesting to me, I went through an experience where someone I was living with was treating me like I was not just a child but their child (and they aren’t my parent, I barely knew them). Constantly bossing me around, getting on my case about their disapproval on any little thing I did or didn’t do. It was a nightmare. They even went as far to say I was like a two year old. I had tried on numerous occasions to meet them half way, come to them with reasonable expectations of respect, & used my words carefully. But at some point I had enough, & started acting like the defiant brat they had already characterized me as. 🤷🏼♀️ I didn’t feel like I had any other option, I didn’t have the means to move out. I was trapped.
Edited: I am out now, though the person is still in my life due to them being in proximity to a loved one. I play polite now, but I don’t think I can ever trust them. I don’t feel emotionally safe around them.
Oof that sounds more like MIStreating a child than like treating you like a child. None of these behaviors are a good way to even act around a child. I'm glad you got out!
I guess they saw your YT name :D
Sounds like a step parent
You’re on a roll lately especially since the subject of this video applies to my relationship with my partner thank you!
I'm so glad!!
I love your twist on applying the concept of the book to relevant situations and people in life!
This guy was fretting that I declined his requests to call me twice (informed him I was doing something) yet I talked to my friend who was overwhelmed with a pregnancy that came too soon. He had nothing important to talk to me about, just him being needy. I'm learning how to be patient and explained the difference between the times they called (and the weight of the topic) but how could a grown a man not understand. He's like a chiId who wants to be played with first regardless of the circumstances.
The bit about the "upstairs tantrum" really put some things into perspective! Thanks for sharing this!
I don't know if you've read this book: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. I would highly recommend that book and would love to hear your commentary on it.
I literally did this with parents of a teen I was working with lmao
This is literally trained as one of the processes used for dealing with upset customers at my store (listen, acknowledge, take action).
As a person who has dealt with a person like this my whole life. We have to realize when a person acts like a child when they are significantly in their adulthood they never change. It’s heartbreaking but you either have to accept their childish tendencies or move on which sucks a lot
People can change. If they’re taking their mental and emotional health seriously, they can change. Ofc it takes a lot of work but it’s possible.
@@heav2582The problem is that change comes from an insintric motivation...if it were an external motivation the immature adult just neglects any accountability.
Adult children can act like that all their life but whenever that family member or partner either stops with their bullshit or something happends that cannot depend on other people they will either get worse or decide to make a change,
@@heav2582 To do that, you need to be mature enough to have the self awareness to know you are not mature. After age 30, you either get it, or you don't.
"Drunk words are sober thoughts" makes me think Im going to be persecuted for thought crimes or have impulsive or intrusive thoughts
Yea it's a yikes thing to believe. Makes me reconsider trusting her insight.
Its a saying that implies when you're drunk, you are more honest.
If teachers or parents treat neurodivergent kids this way, they may feel that they have no motivation to become an adult because all of the benefits that come with being an adult (and you know that parents are still gonna push some of the responsibilities of an adult into the kids) are with out of reach, and different adults (people over the age of 18) have different ideas of what it means to be an adult, AND THEY ALL THINK THAT THEY'RE RIGHT. it seems most people don't know that adults and children are social constructs, and often times, neurodivergent people can't act like how some people with power over them expect them to act.
I had to live a secret life away from my parents because I knew that I wouldn't learn the things I did had I just tried to force myself to be what my parents wanted me to be.
I revealed in family therapy that I have lived a secret life, and they don't even believe me because I don't remember every single thing that I have learned, and so they still believe that I haven't grown up, and that I am just lazy.
I still believe that my life would have been objectively better HD my parents stopped parenting me at the age of 18, but it took tons of push back (which reversed after I became hospitalized) and now, at the age of 25, they have finally decided to stop parenting me, but i think that it is partly because they gave up.
Am on mobile browser youtube lol so couldn’t correct any typos, objectively,* and had the* guts~.
For number 4, don't allow upstairs tantrums, you mentioned disabilities so I thought Id throw in my 2 cents as an autistic person. Id actually agree with this rule and Id caution non autistic people to not mistake autistic meltdowns for tantrums. This can be a great way to injure an autistic adult and especially an autistic child. These could be considered similar to "downstairs tantrums" and its better to ride them out and let them calm down before doing any talking/repairing.
I definetly agree with you on the saying "drunk words are sober thoughts"
Loved the tips and thankfully I've already been using some of the skills so that shows I'm on the right track (the definitely help from what I've seen so far. )
It’s tough living with children
Especially when they're your parents.
@@pair_odocs exactly my thoughts
It really is
I have asd level 2 and I feel so ashamed that I’m not developmentally where I should be…
You shouldn't be. I'm 1 point away from level 2 and it's really hard to control your emotions all the time, especially when abuse is being put onto you. I have to remind myself that the times that I've lost control, it was in response to someone going out of control at me first and they aren't taking accountability, they're just telling me to calm down.
The way you are is the way you should be. My first thought when I read the video title was "that sounds ableistic!". Please don't internalize any message of being "not good enough".
@@obnoxintI don’t think that’s helpful to say, „You are the way you should be“, when you know that’s not true. You are taking away the right to be sad about the loss of what could have been. It’s not recognizing the grief and not allowing the space for it. It is what it is but it’s still a loss.
Clearly you are self aware, if self-effacing. You know when to reflect and what your patterns are. Sometimes (no shade) neurotypical people don't realise they have to do this because no one external has told them they're 'abnormal'. Perhaps you've been told that too much in your life. Shame feeds on itself and leaves you no energy for anything else; getting to where you should be means listening to yourself without moral condemnation.
You have ASD 2, but a diagnosis is really the name attached to the behaviours you display. So you know what they are. And you'll feel how to deal with them before, after, or during if you take them as a neutral state -- just a matter of life you are not at fault for.
I love that you incorporated the brain! I la la loved it when my psychologist brought out her brain model to put things in perspective for me.
this video was really helpful for seeing how to treat myself! i also really like how seriously you take this without making it difficult to understand. you seem really well read and like you really know what youre talking about.
Oh btw I'm seeing you post alot! :) I hope you're taking care of yourself and taking a break every now and then
Thank you so much for noticing, yes I'm taking good care :)
Can you please make a video on how to heal from a mother wound, mother abandoning, emotuonally blackmailing since childhood, lovebombing, a narcissistic mother... The effects it has on us, how it manifests... Just anything.
Its really hard right now, as she always goes back and forth from abandoning and loving... Been 12years.
I follow this one youtuber called Terri Cole and she's made some videos on this like the mother wound.
I second this!!! - Daughter of a covert narc high functioning alcoholic mother
@@moonriversouTy! Will check out her channel
@@moonriversou thank you so much :)
I will check her out!
@@drebugsita :( oh.. I'm there if you need someone to talk to
The connect and redirect is a good strategy to use in de-escalation as well! I worked with youth ( as of a few weeks ago, now work in another role) and when they popped off it was used a lot to try to calm down the situation.
Ana! This video is so stinking good you articulated and provided the science about what I have been intuitively doing ( not just to emotionally immature people but to everyone to prevent hurting feelings, effectively getting my point through and making them more aware of themselves) and thinking ( giving far more leeway to those who *pyschically* can not emotionally regulate). August love love love!!!!
Really important topic and skill set for the world that's full of immature but old enough people and those who Choose "violence". This who can't regulate is the one who's being abused more than those who's being aggressive by choice.
GOOD TIMING! I'm dealing with a nightmare roommate situation.
This is slightly triggering to me because its exactly how I've been talking to my parents, even tho they traumatized me and didnt treat me well as a child. My parents weren't ready to have children at all
What if something is (for lack of a better word) triggering to somebody?
When I was with my ex, I found it difficult to address past fights. Bringing a fight up was often enough to reignite the fight.
I heard another therapist on UA-cam say "you are responsible for your triggers" in the context of the person being triggered needs to be doing active work to minimize their response to triggers. You can't be responsible for their triggers but you can ask about them and try your best to avoid the triggers. So maybe instead of bringing up the fight in the context of it being a past fight maybe reframing the question about what the fight was about and talk about your feelings first that way they have the space to talk about theirs. Try really hard not to play the blame game or present your feelings as "you just don't care about me" remember you aren't a mind reader and even though their actions hurt you it's not productive to restart the fights. They are exhausting to fight about over and over you deserve that energy to better serve you to be fillfulled by the relationship not drained by it. Hope it gets better for you.
@@wrongname2702 That's really good advice. It's hard to realize when you're just acting up, vs the other person not caring about what triggers you & continuing to put you in those situations. Essentially, it can make people in toxic relationships who don't have discernment think it's 100% their fault whenever they're triggered, when things can be done to minimize it. When in a relationship, either's mental health stops being a personal, individual thing, because you affect eachother.
Thank you for all your insight! The concept of brain integration was new to me in the context of children. My thoughts drifted away in the middle. I need to watch again. I think if people you knew that all brains are wired differently, we could show more understanding.
02:30 Do you have any videos on how we can become more nuanced in our way of thinking? I'm someone who's trying to learn that but I notice that even if I do emphasize with other people and I can understand their perspective, I tend to be get very frustated still later and I think that my way of thinking is correct and they're so wrong so they're either "stupid" or there's something wrong with them.
Yes, I actually do!! ua-cam.com/video/H-byVaxmHeg/v-deo.html
@@AnaPsychology I had a feeling you might! Thank you
The title made me think of Lindsay C. Gibson books, would love your take on them.
This was quite insightful cus I have a friend who's 2 years older than me and we're both over 25, but I try not to take mutual friends' perspectives in saying that he's emotionally immature and make a conclusion for myself. I am currently trying to distance myself from this person as I do agree with the statement of wanting to surround myself with better people, though on the other hand, I try my best to be friends with this person without him feeling like he could step over my boundaries. Thank you for implementing examples as always, and looking forward to your next video!
If you are in any type of relationship with a narcissist, and especially a malignant vulnerable narcissist or if it is a family member, coworker you must interact with, they ALWAYS behave like children. The worst thing you can ever do is to treat them like children. They will exploit you and usually sooner than later harm you every time. I am not even a minute into this video and I can't watch it knowing the absolute harm this will cause to anyone that takes this person's advice if they are involved in any way with a narcissist.
Well in that case, I'd just go with the title in the most practical way possible: not sticking up to or tolerating them, aka "putting them in their place". In fact, being a doormat with infinite patience isn't even how you're supposed to treat children. Dr. Ana is right: establish boundaries with consequences.
Thanks for this video! A series on twin psychology would be cool.
For skill 1, what happens if they deny they're having an emotion at all and are insisting you're the emotional one, and theyre using blaming language to circumvent aconowldging feeling? Ie insted of "i feel so unsupported by you" you'e being met with a barrage of personal criticisms abour yourself as a person- "you alwaus do things wrong, you did this and you're like that" ?
22:20 Even Anna Akana said this! Ever since hearing that, I've been inculcating that in myself too! So glad I watch videos like this :) makes me want to improve myself and makes me realise that there is a lot of humility in being human and not knowing things.
I heard a mother taliking to her child this way, after the kid had a tantrum that turned into a meltdown, that is a totally different thing. The kid was telling the mother how he felt but the mother didn't understand or listen and didn't wait until the motion had passed. She was just basically shaming the kid for telling about his feelings. This can so easily be used to make children believe that there's something wrong with the way they're feeling or the way they are and lead to dysregulated adults later on life. "Double empathy problem" makes this a weapon, not a recousfull tool for neurotypicals that try to talk to autistic people. When saying "I understand that you feel 'this way' because of 'this thing' " is gonna lead to lot of shit, because you can't read someones thoughts and why exactly they feel some way. You can't understand, if you don't ask first - and even then, you fully can't understand. Saying that is really condescending and not helpful at all.
Hi Dr. Ana! Loving the new videos! Could you perhaps do a video on your preparations to get into grad school and journey through grad school to become a Psychologist? What were some of the requirements and recommendations to get accepted into a grad program? How did you maintain a good GPA to get accepted? What were the financial Costs? What was the experience- in terms of education workload and overall environment in grad school like? Pros and cons of grad school? All questions and answers similar to these are welcome. Thank You.
This is fantastically helpful as an autistic individual, thank you so much !!
I learned a lot and enjoyed listening.! Thank you 😊
My boyfriend's older brother is 30 years old, has autism, but has never left the house or gotten a job. His parents spoil him. His few responsibilities are doing some house chores, and he throws tantrums about that. My bf and I worry for him. I have no idea if his tantrums are "upstairs" or "downstairs" but my frustration has me believe he's just spoiled and doesnt want to grow up. Then again, autism is a spectrum, and his might be worse than others I know who at least make an effort to be better versions of themselves. Idk. I watched the video to try and get some insight but its hard to say where the problem lies...
dont know if what im going to say is an unpopular opinion, or im just selfish....... but if in early stages of a relatioship (talking stages), whether its a romantic relationship or just a friendship, i see that the person im talking to has the mind of a kid ---- he or she is immature ---- i inmediately decide not to continue evolving the relationship into something else (bigger and better); im not someones father, teacher or mentor thats there for him/her to mature if he or she is the same age as me. maturity is one of those things in life that arent and shouldnt be taught by someone else; its life experiences that make one mature.......
yes, if i realize he or she is immature, i move on. dont have much time to invest it into an adultchild........
dont get me wrong, i get it if its a child. the problems appear when its and adult, no longer a kid.......
You mentioned personality disorders and depression but what about manic episodes in bipolar and psychosis in schizophrenia.
.034 or Less than 1 percent of the population actually have these neurological defects. With that small of a sample size, there’s obviously not going to be anything other than speculation and predicaments about how these are correlated.
Yea it’s not up to me to teach a grown person, that should have consideration for my feelings as well
I have a friend who is very immature and invasive and it was hard for me to set boundaries with her since she kept on overstepping them, so now I feel drained whenever I'm around her or even when I think about her or people like her. I see her everyday because we are classmates 😪 thank you for this video
Hey Ana, could you make a video one day on birth order? All of my girlfriends are eldest daughters, like me. I'm curious if that is a coincidence, or do we attract each other. When it comes to dating, I've noticed I am drawn to the youngest.
This is so informative and helpful. Very well put together.
Your videos make me want to keep notes for future use.
Ya im def immature 😂 ouch need to work on this
I am an LCSW and love your videos!! Would untreated ADHD still constitute an upstairs tantrum in your estimation? Thank you.
Thank you so much!!
I would also like to know actually.
It's like you knew that I considered breaking up with my immature friend last week and then this week reconsidered in lieu of a less drastic approach.
Thank you this is so cool
Reminds me of my last concussion when I flipped out on my Mom for waking me up trying to check on me. 😢 I felt so bad later on, sorry Ma
Fantastic book, reading it at the moment too. Great interpretation to use that on adults too!
I really enjoy watching your videos. Yes, I agree drunk words are sober thoughts. Intoxication makes them unable to hide how they really feel or think 💭
How would this apply to neurodivergent people? Some people with autism have alexathymia (trouble identifying/communicating emotions).
No different.
What if my parents treat me like a child even though I'm 18 and a half? I aint immature. I wanna get tf outta my house, and my friends are helping me out. My parents have procrastinated helping me get my drivers license for YEARS. God, they made it so I couldnt take drivers edd in 10'th grade by making it stupidly hard to get my permit.
Wait did I hear DR.? You’re not an intern anymore? Omg congrats
😭😭💕
Every time I interact with child I get a recommendation like this
My pre frontal cortex is damaged, what kind of doctor can help with this?
I'm confused. If I'm feeling strong negative emotions because of my partner's mistreatment, and even though I'm trying to suppress them and "choose" not to cry, but I can't, does this mean that I'm immature?
Im not sure if i got it right. But to me it sounds like you see crying as immature? Its rather normal to cry if you feel hurt. Showing emotions, even strong ones, does not mean you are immature.
The way you go at it may have more of a say about that than the feeling itself
How do you know whether the person is having an upstairs tantrum or a normal one?
14:34 - Does being in love count as a decreased state of self-control too?
i bought a book like that for a friend and added a couple pages of my own. you could not tell the book had been altered in any way. using the style of the author, i went into depth about how a baby's reaction to the pull my finger joke is used as a milestone gauge by pediatricians, worldwide. i thought it was funny
The first advice is like what Jonathan Haidt said. Address the elephant before the rider
22:29-22:44
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I’m a fairly new subscriber. Your content is amazing!! The tips you shared in this video are very helpful. Thank you!! I’m in my mid-30s, and for as long as I can remember I’ve always been fascinated by human behavior. (I’ve been told by strangers and friends alike that I have a therapist-type personality.) Also, I just subscribed to your book channel. I’m a book fanatic!
If you’re interested, can I give you a nonfiction book suggestion? I read it a few years back. It’s been life changing for me!
Thank you so much! Welcome :) And yes of course, I always love taking book recommendations
You’re very welcome! 🙂 Thank you for taking the time to respond. I appreciate it. I’m excited to be here!!So the book is called: AnxietyRx by Dr. Russell Kennedy. Dr. Kennedy is a neuroscientist, somatic practitioner, and an anxiety specialist based in Canada. He’s been interviewed on numerous podcasts, and he’s all over Instagram. Just Google his name. Nothing else I’ve tried-with regard to managing my anxiety, with the exception of physical exercise-on my own has worked as well as his theory does; he suffered from severe anxiety as well. His theory is counterintuitive. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. I’d be curious to hear your perspective on it given that you are in the field. Oh, and he’s also on UA-cam!
So if I’m in a relationship with someone who is 21 and throwing temper tantrums are you saying thats warranted for? It seems like an excuse, but I also feel like my mental age is older than I actually am.
Awesome video!❤
my mom actually gets mad at me when I don't wanna help her solve problems lol idk if this is normal, but it's been my reality since I can remember...
1 of 2 things, fear of abandonment and rejection sensitivity.
In their mind, 'They dont want to help me, they dont care about me. They don't love me'
As someone who was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, I find it a bold statement that people over 25 can self-regulate and that the tantrums are deliberate. Setting boundaries as you suggested might actually cause individuals to get harmed when dealing with BPD, as it's like pouring gasoline on a fire. A simple Google search reveals that this is not recommended.
She very much qualified that there were cases, like certain mental health conditions, that were exceptions to that statement.
However, it is SUPER important for the people in your life to be able to establish healthy boundaries around you and have those boundaries respected. I am bipolar, another serious condition which physically disrupts my ability to emotionally regulate. But I am in charge of not hurting the people around me, anyway. When I mess up, it is my responsibility to learn how to change so that I am not causing harm intentionally or unintentionally. BPD does not mean the people around you cannot have boundaries.
Is cerebral palsy considered a brain injury for the purpose of upstairs versus downstairs tantrums? I have cerebral palsy and I have always had a hard time regulating my emotions. I've been to therapy and take psychiatric medications,. I don't have downstairs tantrums or at least what I think we're downstairs tantrums nearly as much as I used to when I was a teenager, but I do still have some. Or at least it feels like it's out of control.
Do you think you could do a video on the concept of relationship competency and how that can potentially make or break a relationship.
The title triggered me, I love it 🥲
and what are you ?
@Ana: Would you say that avoidantly attached people have emotional self-control? I had a few situations with someone I knew where they basically had a small tantrum about seemingly unimportant things: their brand of milk not being in the fridge, me speaking to them in slightly upset tones after they woke me up while trying to sleep, misinterpreting texts, them thinking I was ignoring tham when they'd asked for space etc.
Relationships obviously make some people more emotionally dysregulated but...
From what I've heard it is more suppression than control. You tune out all emotions for years and this makes it hard to connect with yourself and others.
That depends per person really.
I have been both anxious and avoidant(still working on it), been with both partners and we all had different ways of acting on things. A lot of overlapping too ofcourse. But things like tantrums is something i cant recognize myself in, tho my partners definitely would have those. They seemed to be generally rather emotionally immature (not to say i wasnt) with lack of self reflecting or empathy. Even tho i have avoidant tendencies, i grew up to be hyper sensitive about my actions and consequences. So things like throwing tantrums just was a no go for me as it was also heavily punished if i even would. My partners on the other hand may not have had big consequences to these tantrums. May even be a self learnt tool to how they would get their way or perhaps self sabotage. So yeh again, really depends per person. All comes down to emotion regulation i think. So maybe not so surprising
Omg the title of this video is so petty and I mean that in the best way possible 😂
I need this. I told my partner he couldn’t get in my car the other day because I didn’t have a baby seat 😂
GIGACHAD Ana
Could you do a video how to do this for yourself?
Hey, not to discredit your advice, but, that "Left Brain/Right Brain" thing had been debunked for almost 10 years.
Bro how if they're your parents
Hey Dr. Ana! Thanks a lot for your work. You helped me a lot with your videos! I have a question, and maybe you can help me with it. (Also, I'm sorry for my English, I'm no native speaker) My ex boyfriend was childish, but in a different way. Whenever he had a problem with me, he started showing me the cold shoulder. I always asked, if everything was alright, that I feel something is wrong, but he would always tell me that 'everything is fine'. At one point he stopped greeting me when he came home. He wouldn't speak a word for several weeks, and I felt like an idiot, constantly trying to get him to talk. We stopped having s*x for several months at this point, but I kept trying talking to him in a very calm voice but as always 'everything is fine'. I think half a year went on like this, until he finally broke the silence and said, that he was jealous because of my previous boyfriend. He broke it off with me, and his main complaint about our relationship was, that I never shouted. Whenever I wanted or needed something from him, or whenever I was annoyed with anything I usually just talked about it in an mature and calm way. And he told me, that I should have shouted at one point in our relationship, and that was the reason why he broke up. Is it really necessary, to go get mad in relationships? What should I do when my partner doesn't want to talk about things, and is showing me the cold shoulder for weeks/months? Till this day, I still think about the breakup and I haven't had a relationship afterwards for years now. I really thought that we could marry one day, and I tried my best to put everything into that relationship, but I never got the warmth from my ex boyfriend which I wanted. Maybe you can make a video about it? Thanks a lot in advance!
He was baiting you.
What would have happened if you had actually shouted is that he would have used that as the reason to break up because "they're crazy and hysterical!". He had already decided to break up, he just wanted you to be the bad guy and give him a good reason to do so. So no, shouting and getting mad is not necessary, you were just incompatible.
can you do a similar video re coworkers and bosses/csuite.
"When I have kids". Boy it's never easier to be a parent than before you have kids. I will just validate them and they will be great! How about, you do everything right and they are rude to you and say no to everything you ask, no matter how reasonable or how you approach it.
Doesn’t this apply to dealing with conflict or hurt of any kind?
The skills could definitely be helpful with anyone, but ideally you wouldn't need them with someone who's psychologically developed for their age. For example, you shouldn't need to model morality for someone to be moral, or to walk the other person through regulating their own emotions during a conflict. But sure, it can't hurt!
Most of the time the new weird psychopathic type of helping nature & attitude these days is more dangerous than anything else because most people these days keep developing new ways of saying no & like corona virus's defense mechanisms, most people are now developing new ways to lie & deceive about everything, for example:
like imagining that first helpless person has to wait for help on the road for several hours after the accident, then the second person comes to the scene, then to the first person that second person suddenly starts giving educational speech about everything, lectures about everything, motivational speech about everything & then starts showing advertisements on mobile phone about everything instead of providing immediate help & then that second person runs away without providing any official effective help.
16/05/2024, thursday 16 may 2024, 12:41 p.m, indore, madhya pradesh, india.
You're assuming that children act irrationally temporarily and then are ready to listen to reason. Ummmm..... children be like no.
I feel the left side is more logical 😜 1:21
About "maybe you should consider what Im going through", I think it feels bitchy. I believe it's because if the other person can't know about the extreme circumstances he kind of has a point about being mad. Its only because the extreme situation that those get over ruled but yet he can't really know about the circumstances so he shouldn't be expected to. I realize it's an example but I wanted to share my thoughts
Yes, it's just a spur-of-the-moment example I came up with. Always tailor boundary-setting to your own communication style and preferences.
Here's how you address them: don't.
Me doing this to myself