honestly the thought that this lady actually has children is genuinely a worrying one, seeing how she seems to view human beings and children specifically
@@marte1376 Violating someone's privacy and trust like that can be so harmful :c I hope you're still able to keep a diary without feeling someone would read it now
@@captainzork6109 I have a digital diary now but I'm just broken inside. My parents never trusted me, I was always a rebel and my opinions and thoughts were different. People, be careful with what you write. Thanks for your compassion
It's crazy that the author of the book thinks it's so easy for a Gen Z to throw their parents out of their lives. As someone from an extremely abusive family, I couldn't imagine the possibility of leaving them, and that love for people who hated me led me to a TWISTED UNDERSTANDING OF LOVE rather than leaving them. And now I have to work with the fact that I was so attached to them that one of the most important feelings in my life has been distorted.
considering said author also wrote a book about how trans people are the fall of society, im not so surprised that she isnt very bright on other social topics too!
I agree. I have put a lot of emotional distance between my parents and myself because of their behavior. I'm not going to leave them though because they are my parents. The choice to let go of your parents must be so hard to make
Are you me? I moved into an apartment and got help from a volunteer group after my family's and their friend's abuse. I get texts from the only non abusive person in my life pre-freedom every day, it feels like every hour. The guilt drives me crazy. I can't talk to anyone else because I feel like a neglectful asshole when I don't talk to her.
To any parents reading this- if you instead help your child pursue their independent life and goals, they will probably like you a lot more and (despite their freedom) freely choose to associate with you a lot more.
Or it's like, "I suffered x y and z and I'm FINE so therefore you would be fine if you didn't talk about it so I'm blaming the therapists because they're the ones who make you talk about your feelings and stuff." The whole thing reeks of denial or "copium"
Agreed. It’s her generation that fucked up some of today’s generation in the first place. Then she’s putting blame on all therapists - absolutely ridiculous I’ve had to combat her videos with so many of my friends because not enough people are talking about all the points where she is clearly wrong. Some things she is actually correct on! But demonizing therapy when there are so many success stories is absolutely disgusting
@@lionelheisler4887 , exactamundo. Anyone who familiarized themselves with her previous book will not be surprised by the lies, distortions, and logic leaps in this one.
She doesn't have a single qualification that's relevant to the field of psychotherapy. She's educated in law and philosophy, and wrote as an opinion columnist. Not exactly shining qualifications when it comes to the field of psychotherapy.
Never mind, I got further into the interview, and she's literally saying it's a problem for kids to be able to talk about their mother's new boyfriend - aka probably the person *MOST* likely to be abusing them. So I think it's okay to assume the worst in this case.
someone might have already commented this, but gentle parenting IS authoritative parenting. The reason for the alternative name is some people get confused between the words authoritative and authoritarian.
Yes! Authoritarian parenting is strict parenting, while authoritative parenting is permissive parenting... did I get that right? It's easy to confuse the two terms together.
I recently broke NC with my bio mother after 5 years because my father was arrested on domestic violence charges and I felt that she deserved to know about it. She had attempted to tell people about him being a drunk and a psychopath before, and nobody believed her. Because of this experience she had, I thought someone ought to tell her what happened with him. She sent me an e-mail link about this book after I left her house. And she kept talking about how stupid she felt for having let me go to therapy when I was younger. The woman that gave birth to me hates everything about who I am now and desperately wants me to be somebody completely different. This video helped me make sense of... certain things about what she said to me. So I just wanted to say thank you for that.
I really appreciate when someone can balance sass and a bit of edge without being overly condescending and maintaining a healthy dose of humility. Enjoying the slightly more aggressive/callout tone here. Nice!
@@Guillhez there is literally evidence and nuanced studies uttered after almost every sentence she says. this is the most credible and engaging you can probably get. cope dude.
Precisely. Therapists also "plant"/affirm the idea that children themselves are human beings worthy of dignity, safety, boundaries, and rights, which can inspire kids to begin to question how others have been treating them and stick up for themselves.
Because they are owned by their parents. Anybody who squeams at this thought believes that outsiders should have more influence on children than their parents, which is getting into grooming territory.
I made a hard pivot into gentle parenting, because I didn't like what I was seeing develop in my daughter, in response to the way I was dealing with her misbehavior. It felt like she was learning to be afraid of making me angry, and that is the opposite of what I wanted her to learn. It has now been years since I raised my voice to her and she is absolutely thriving. She comes to me with her mistakes and asks for guidance on how to make amends with people. She proactively thinks about her behavior toward others and her teachers tell us that she openly talks about the conversations she has with me and wife about how to handle things, when they tell her she navigated a situation well. She even told me that I am her safe place. I don't even have the words to describe how that felt.
Im 20 and a first born child so when i was a kid my parents would yell and me and smack me when i made mistakes which only made me hide my mistakes and not trust them.. they changed their behaviour when i was around 12-13 and i admit ive had an amazing relationship with them and trust them a lot more since then.
@@ivayia as someone that age too, my parents never changed their behavior, and i’m very closed off to them. i’ve tried to talk to them about it, but they seem to not care and blame me for their actions…i don’t know if ill trust them with a lot of info ever, to be honest with you. so yeah, please don’t be very harsh on kids. they’d won’t learn to understand, but how to not make you angry at them.
That’s so touching. Beautiful story that’s making me tear up. I don’t know how having a parent as a safe place feels like but all I can feel is being happy for your thriving child. What a wonderful positive influence you’re having in the world by being a great parent.
Millennials and Gen Z have experienced their surroundings changing at exponential speeds almost their entire lives. Something as simple as FaceTime was a totally cartoonish futuristic idea when I was a kid, now there are self driving cars and neural links. Technological advances had previously been happening at a slower rate for a good amount of time. Also, so many of us have witnessed older relatives’ neuroticism be plainly exposed when given access to social media, this stuff is crazy making. I have so much to say about all of this, but one last thing I will add is that I was doing an intensive outpatient program, and at 26 I was the youngest person there almost the entire time, I was actually really surprised by the age range.
I agree, I just feel the need to say that there _aren't_ properly functioning self-driving cars and neural links. The people and companies who own and are developing these technologies are _pretending_ that they are much more fleshed out than they are.
I think it's revealing an entire generation of mental illness that was previously just hidden. My elderly parents' entire attitude is "if it looks good, it is good"
I bet the reason nobody talked to her about climate change is because having a conversation with a person in her part of the political spectrum about climate change is like arguing with a car commercial about what the best car is. It doesn't take long to learn how futile it is and stop
That is exactly like talking with my father. He literally said he knows politics because he watched the Trump trial. You know, the one that wasn't televised? I have no idea what it was he watched, but he also thinks solar panels *create* global warming
I think they're overthinking what therapy actually is, like they're not constantly deconstructing trauma and reopening old wounds every session, it can literally as mundane as telling your therapist what happened in your week, what's been frustrating you lately, how to build better habits, better communicate etc.
I've worked in schools for many years. Parents have definitely handed down their own fears and insecurities about therapy to their children. In 3 different schools I witnessed children refuse to talk the school therapists on the grounds that the therapist will try to brainwash them. It's tough seeing someone in need refusing help like that.
Exactly. I def have my beef with the medical community as a whole, which includes psychiatry and most therapy, but I’ve sought out to distinguish the good from the bad. The problem is that the go to therapeutic approach which is most often talk therapy together with medication, just isn’t really effective and does indeed have a lot of negative side effects (the drugs especially). I don’t understand why not more effective approaches are being offered and promoted as a go-to, like hypnotherapy. That’s something hat should change. In general a way more holistic understanding of health in general. Still just bashing therapy as a whole without offering alternatives makes no sense. Emotional suppression and other coping mechanisms def are not a good alternative.
you see, encouraging the field of therapy to improve is the exact opposite of what Abigail Shrier wants. She is not a good person and she does not want kids to be healthier and happier
Agreed, I've had a horrible experience with a school counselor- but phenomenal experiences with the therapy I sought as an adult (which also led to me getting the psychiatric help I needed). I wish I had a better experience as a child with the counselor, or at least been given better language to describe what I was handling- because what I thought was normal mood swings turned out to be bipolar type 2 and it is a miracle I survived past 20. I wish I hadn't been as hesitant as an adult to trust a therapist, because damn when it works it works.
Its almost like the more we talk about mental illness as a commonality instead of just being a "you problem," the more people feel comfortable with sharing their mental illnesses 😮
Her: therapists specifically listed smartphone use as one of the main reasons people are struggling with mental health Also her, somehow: therapists aren’t taking the impact of technology on mental health seriously!
There are some terrible therapists. I've had a therapist told me to "do what the japanese do and get a body pillow" when I told her I watch anime to distract me from loneliness and isolation. I've had a therapist insist that my suicidal thoughts were intrusive and frequent after telling her I've had a couple suicidal thoughts in the past. There are some absolute terrible licensed therapists that will make patients problems worse.
Absolutely it's why I try to find a therapist that has my values, I'm an Atheist, and I got a Christian therapist, and he tried to convert me. Tell me it was the source of my problems, was I am a non-believer and god would fix my life.
There are bad therapists, but therapy overall is still good. You ultimately choose your therapist; you never have to stick with a therapist whom you dislike.
@@agnesberes4084 not really, no. Abigail is a political grifter who's entire belief system centers around children being the property of their parents. She believes that the only way a therapist can be good is if they tell the kids that every single problem in a child's life is caused by the kid not obeying their parents enough, even if their parents are physically abusive addicts. According to her parents are the only people who should ever have a say in what the child learns and believes, no matter how awful those parents might actually be
39:08 THE IRONY. She criticizes them for not acknowledging the impact of divorce on kids, but she herself fails to acknowledge the impact of STAYING in an abusive/unhealthy relationship/marriage on the kids. So much of what Abigail is saying is so baseless or disingenuous or just straight up intellectually dishonest and I can't fathom many people who read this book agree with her given how wildly incorrect her assumptions are
Every "old-fashioned" parent in a nutshell. I hear all the time people saying stuff like "I was spanked as a child and I survived". Wait, were you actually supposed not to survive? Where do you think you were raised at, Sparta? There is one thing that really baffles me as someone who wants to have children, how people don't want ANY external meddling on their parenting (unless it comes from their extended family, it seems). Here in Brazil we pretty much shut down any hopes of advancing in sexual education for years because of conservative fear-mongering that they were teaching children to have sex and masturbate. I wholeheartedly disagree that parents are supposed to be sovereigns over their children and control every single thing they learn.
Ugh Abigail Shrier also wrote the Irreversible Damage book, I can't believe how many people like and praise her books when they are so full of misinformation and fearmongering.
Jeez, the attitude of "back in my day no one would do a mental health screening" is more than a little disturbing- call me crazy, but checking children are not in abusive situations is actually a good thing. I also find the maxim "I was spanked and it didn't do me any harm" darkly hilarious- yeahhh it made you think hitting someone, as long as they are much smaller than you and can't fight back, is totally fine- I'd call that harm (thank you so much for pointing that out!)
If there were not so many horror stories of CPS talking children away from good families because of differing culture or value systems, I’d be inclined to agree with you. Having seen the damage well-meaning idealists can do with the power of the state behind them, I’m wary
Yeah, the three years of therapy I did totally arrested my growth. If only I still had issues leaving the house due to crippling social anxiety, regularly thought about ******* myself, had a horrible relationship with my family, no friends, no job and self esteem low enough I'd have to start digging to find it. Therapy sure did me dirty.
if i had a nickel for every time abigail shrier released a book on a subject she has absolutely zero qualifications in, filled to the brim with manipulations of the truth, dodgy research, abuse apologia, and outright lies, all to fearmonger about some horrifing threat coming for your children in order to justify treating children like objects instead of people in order to "protect" them, i'd have two nickels. which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice.
I appreciated your invitation to thought regarding spanking. I absolutely love that we have, as a society, changed our perspective on interpersonal violence, since my childhood. I was not spanked. But I grew up fighting with other boys and having these fights fully accepted by the adults in my life, at school and at home. There was a time when I genuinely "knew" that some words are fighting words, and there are times when you are "asking to get hit" if you say certain things to people. Again. This was the norm. Now, there is a _very_ low tolerance for almost any level of interpersonal violence, and I think that's fantastic.
Actually the problem is the way we live our lives. School to career to the 9-5 and white picket fence. Psychologists just act as a buffer to make people somehow OK with this
Not to mention many of us being trapped in concrete jungles. Humans routinely exhibit the same behaviors only seen in animals when they are captive in an unnatural environment
This way of life works great for some but not all. I think the problem lies with this lifestyle being a requirement to survive in most developed countries.
One of the worrying things about this book is how it might affect parents' decisions and when their kids might need therapy , they probably wouldn't let them have it
@@donjindrathe answer is, on the whole, yes. Studies have shown therapy does have positive benefits. As always everybody is different but in general, yes therapy helps. The question is answered.
@@A2forty False. Studies have not shown therapy benefits any better than the placebo effect, or any better than talking to your neighbors. And I think even that is overly optimistic.
13:08 “Chronic illness mental or physical is to a large extent a function or feature of the way things are and not a glitch - our social and economic culture generates chronic stressors that undermine well being in the most serious ways” - Gabor Mate
@@donjindra How? She pretty much says she doesn't like that therapists get kids to talk about things that can lead to CPS being called. I can't think of a single person who doesn't abuse their kids who would think that's a bad thing.
I'm so glad I found this video / channel. Its incredibly thorough. I've been in therapy for many years now (ADD & cPTSD). I was also working in social services a few years back. I had to intervene in my nephew's home life in 2019, when he turned 13 and started self-harming. After a year of my interventions, trying to determine what the problems were at home, my nephew became radically more ill, as a result of the abuse he was receiving from his parents. Hearing this video, so thoroughly define and defend the work psychologists, sociologists and educators do... is a huge relief for me. Thank you for this video.
Saw this on Rogan and it pulled a cord. This was my response to her on that podcast. 😂 Therapy is the best thing I’ve ever done. It has saved my life and I’ve grown tremendously because of therapy. I have Bipolar II disorder and I will probably be therapy in most, if not all, of my life. I have a good job, eat SUPER healthy, go to the gym five days a week, and run errands. Guess what? I still struggle with depression from Bipolar disorder, current and past trauma, or debilitating anxiety. If you have a good therapist, they will challenge you and make you think in ways you’ve never thought before. Our brains ruminate naturally. Exploring that in therapy and having them intervene helps stop rumination. They are actually trained to help with rumination. Therapy does the complete opposite of encouraging rumination. I kept ruminating on an event and even kept having nightmares. After two sessions, the rumination and nightmares came to a stop. They will give you psychoeducation on trauma, relationships, and mental illness. I am 28, and I am around people my age who don’t know what a healthy relationship is or won’t acknowledge they are repeating their childhood trauma because they are blind to it. I was, too, until therapy. Most people grow up in dysfunctional families and wouldn’t know a healthy relationship or healthy communication if it hit them in the face. I am very self-educated in psychology through years of my reading and therapy. It’s wild this author is just here talking to talk without knowing anything about therapy, how it works, trauma, or psychology. She’s just spewing nonsense. I can name tons of books from Ph. D.s and psychologists with master's degrees that I’ve read. There’s a reason therapists need master's degrees and Ph. D.s. It isn’t all just common sense or something some people can push through, at least not healthily. They have fMRIs that essentially prove that therapy changes the brain. It rewires our neural pathways. Listen to Huberman, a neuroscientist who is educated on the subject. The people who don’t go are the ones who need it the most, I’ve noticed. The people in my life who won’t go to therapy have the most toxic behaviors, maladaptive coping skills, and don’t know what it takes to have a healthy relationship. This low-key set me off as it’s spewing nonsense and putting stigma back out there for therapy and is false information. She also acts like it’s the therapist's job to tell someone what to do, which is ethically wrong for therapists to practice for a good reason. No one can tell you what’s best for you. They ask you questions and guide you to come to your own conclusions and what’s best for you. If you want to read about resilience, read Supernormal. Yes, trauma is a part of life. It’s why therapists and the field of psychology exist to begin with, to help ease our suffering and cultivate better and healthier coping skills and relationships. Another good book, Body Keeps the Score, literally has brain scans that prove our brains can't just “get over” trauma to counteract that point made of just getting over it. When she gives that example of returning to school and calling it a bad memory, it isn’t that, it is a flashback look at an fMRI. The brain will show what it did as if the trauma were actively happening. We learn these things so we can better help ourselves and treat others. Just because we can say “get over it”, doesn’t mean we should. Just because we have our hands doesn’t mean we don’t use tools. Same goes for therapy, just because we have our brain doesn’t mean we can’t use tools to help ourselves make our lives better and easier. Just because we all have hands doesn’t mean some don’t get arthritis. Same with our brains. Just because we all have tramua doesn’t mean some don’t get mental illness as a result. The point is, just because we all have tramua doesn’t mean some don’t need treatment. It’s why we invent things like tools. As we keep learning about psychology and our brains the more we are learning the way we used to do things isn’t good and there are better ways to go about it instead of just ignoring our trauma and pushing things down. This whole conversation is essentially against using a tool that lessons our suffering, and progresses and educates us.
The only positive thing for me is that I have made the experience and now know about it firsthand and can maybe serve as a cautionary tale and a testimony of how effed up our entire system is
I watched an interview between Abigail Shrier and Manson just yesterday. Imo- there were Inconsistencies galore, biases galore, opinionated, regressive, repressive …I could go on. I had to get my husband to watch it with me to ensure that I wasn’t being overly judgmental. He is pretty laid back and by the end- he was apoplectic! We are both mental health professionals- so we have skin in the game!
I appreciate that this video was longer. You took the time to break things down in a well organized manner and were also obviously being as open and fair as possible w a book like this.
"What [...] stuff are you putting in my child's head?" I had to stop and do a mental double-take at this line from the "totally fine" parent in the skit at the end of the summary section. I think you've captured the fundamental divide perfectly with this statement: the belief that people develop thoughts and beliefs and personalities by making sense of their experiences on the one hand, and the belief that those things can only come into a person because some being put them there on the other.
This is one of those "every conservative accusation is an admission/projection" types of things. They believed the first things authority figures taught them without question, and expect everyone else to do the same. They can't imagine giving someone information and letting them make up their own mind, because they never had that as a clear option that kids should have. They've been living off uncritically following orders from on high, and assume everyone else should be just like them.
I haven't watched the full video yet, but I will say from my own experience of seeing therapists for over ten years not all of them are qualified, some do think they "know' better than the client, and cause more harm than good.
Thanks for the really thoughtful analysis! I studied child psych (switched to social psych) and worked with kids for 14 years, and the types of assertions Shrier makes about therapists are exactly the same as the ones the elders of yesteryear made about parents. ADHD -> “let your kid be a kid.” “My parents smacked me and I turned out okay.” “She’s not depressed, she just needs to stop acting like a victim.” etc. I think that when there are grains of truth in a premise, it makes a false conclusion even more dangerous. I hope I don’t start talking like that in 20 years 😭😂
Therapy is effective if and only if the patient is willing for therapy to work and if the patient is being honest with the therapist. Therapy is a good thing if you think you need it.
Ya I might be reading too much into this. But this author seems to have a lot of problem with therapy period. she is triggered by it practice unless someone is bonkers koko crazy in her opinion. Like “DONT TALK ABOUT EMOTIONS” is very odd. Maybe she had a personal experience with someone near to her seeking help in therapy (and thought it meant she’s a bad person) A lot of her works seems to be projects of her own hold ups.
I think it’s weird when people see a bad thing in something going on and say this should just not exist. Like shouldn’t we improve something that looks like it can help?
I think the answer is therpay works for some and not others, and i think whats also equally important is actually recognizing how to properly utilize therapy, and that theres other therapies not just talk about feelings therapy.
I feel like therapy works for everyone, but not every therapist works for everyone. I also think it works for people who want it. If you come with a mindset it wont work, it probably wont.
This book gives me an interesting insight into how the author is seeing the world and how it interacts in her opinion with children in the context of her earlier book. It makes me a little less stressed knowing that her takes on transgender ppl are very harmful but that there is a deeper issue behind it with the conspiracy theory like distrust she has. Maybe it was never about us (trans ppl) in a way
It seems like it really never is about us - perhaps it's more about maintaining their supposed social order/hierarchy. If the lines are made blurry, how stable are the frameworks from which we operate? What does it mean, what happens if the norm is challenged? Where do we go from there? 😮 Solidarity, friend.
Given her awful viewpoints and research displayed in "Irreversible Damage", i am not surprised. If you want a deep dive on that book, Cass Eris has a multihour long series breaking it down chapter by chapter covering and critiquing the book
I have to admit that I almost forgot the premise of this video is ultimately about children, and had an almost kneejerk reaction to your comments on self-diagnoses. Honestly, I would like to hear your opinions on adult self-diagnosis and how likely one would actually seek help without having an idea of what's going on internally.
Found this video after listening to the author on Mark Manson's podcast. I was onboard with Abigail for maybe the first couple of topics of discussion. ie. self diagnosis, and language used matters. Then it got weirdly venty. All this to say, thanks for the video.
From my personal observations, I think therapy has important benefits, but I think there are real issues in our current society with it being viewed as a panacea or something that everyone should do (or even needs to do).
Dr Ana I love your content so much, its helped me be a better friend, boyfriend, and confidant - especially when you distill things into a formula that can be remembered or even screenshotted for reference. You're so easy to listen to yet i always learn so many new things. About this video specifically, I'm so glad this long one came out on my day off. It's such a good overview of the importance of mental healthcare and touched on different things i didnt even expect. The specific harms of repressive coping strategies stuck with me a lot. The parent/teacher skit was funny too, it was so good.
i dont understand why so many people say things like 'trauma isnt real its all in your head!' like... yes? it is a mental issue, it does occur in your head. its not something you can physically hold why does that suddenly make it invalid?
It’s very interesting how Anna is really proving how invalid this authors arguments by not only using her background on psychology and academic credentials, but an application of reason as well to not only invalid but also inform what the real science and psychology is. This is a very different video
Regarding the issue of power imbalance between a therapist and child, I think you’re probably projecting your own (good) intentions onto any given therapist, whereas Shrier’s main anxiety seems to be a therapist with ideological motivations in that power role
(here from twitter!) wanted to make a comment because im in law school, and we always talk about “the learned hand formula” which is: the BURDEN of precaution (B) should be less than the product of the probability (P) multiplied by the magnitude (L) of harm. I say all that to agree with you that Abagail makes NO SENSE in characterizing negative reactions to therapy as unnecessary (i.e. identifying traumas, verbalizing discomfort, more sensitivities) when it’s a burden necessary that reduce the risk of emotional turmoil?! i can acknowledge that maybe therapy genuinely isn’t her jam, but people are not “less than” just because they benefit from the techniques and strategies introduced by therapy. i feel like there’s often (with misinformed people) a quickness to completely reject ideas (because they don’t believe them) rather than hearing people out (which is funny cause kinda what she wants us to do since she’s writing a book 😏).
Despite doing it just through your UA-cam channel, I appreciate you so much as a professional Ana! Your debunking in this video was flawless, how gracefully you picked up all the fallacies, your thoughts are always spoken with such balance and consideration, and the occasional sass just adds so much to it! I particularly liked how you brought up again emotion regulation in correlation with the bizarre content of this book... That kinda became a polar star to me, whenever I feel too caught up in my emotions and reactions. Thank you for the effort of recording such a long video!
I hate the idea that "Gen Z are more mentally ill than any other generation!" Because it's just not fuckin true. Mental illness has existed for as long as human record, but a lot of it was excused as something else; be it Demonic possession, some kind of character/moral failing, or simply someone being a little Quirky. Gen Z are just the generation to *most recognize and identify with* our own mental illness, trauma, and neurodivergence. We've identified that excusing it, sweeping it under the rug, or ignoring it only causes more of a struggle. So what do we do? We address it. We take those diagnosis and do something about it. We aren't any more or less mentally Ill than any other generation. And honestly plenty of folks from other generations have broken the thought pattern of "Well nothing is wrong with me!" And moved into the thought pattern of "Life would be a lot easier if I knew why I am struggling." Yeah overdiagnosing happens, but I'd rather a kid get told "You have anxiety, here's some coping mechanisms to help you feel less shy/scared/worried," than having that kid struggle with their shyness/fear/worry on their own.
As a (retired) NHS high intensity therapist with an MSc in CBT, I must correct you regarding CBT 'pushing' patients into disclosing their trauma event.This is untrue, I used Cognitive Processing therapy,expsoure therapy, and narrative therapy, and these protocols never did this. What you stated would be therapeutically counterproductive. Yes, avoidance is a barrier to recovery. But through collaboration and utilising socratic questioning, etc, the patient gradually makes sense of their traumatic event. What you are referring to, I think, is flooding. Which is antiquated and debunked
I used to practice primarily CBT. Perhaps I misspoke in the video--what I was trying to say is that, out of all the theoretical orientations, CBT is the only one whose trauma treatment relies on exposure to the traumatic memory and triggers. I agree that it doesn't "push people to disclose their trauma" when done well but, out of all the different treatments, it's the closest one to what Abigail describes, at least in my opinion.
As soon as you said she was a lawyer, it all made sense of her "concerns." They attract a type, for sure. I'm sure there's a class and generational distinction that informs her worldview, as well.
Amazing video! Even though I have adhd, you kept my attention the entire time. Loved your little acting-plays in between. Very good info overall. Again, great video!
Excellent video. It’s so easy for people to approach industries/fields of study they themselves are not a part of and make black & white assumptions about that topic, meanwhile ignoring or intentionally misrepresenting what experts actually have to say on the subject. ESPECIALLY when it comes to parenting and child psychology. I appreciate how you approached this very honestly and professionally. just subscribed. Keep up the good work!
I really hope the author sees this video. They care about the topic so much they wrote a book about it, so hopefully they can find it in them to challenge their fixed mindset surrounding therapy. This video expressed several credible arguments and was really well presented.
@@androphobe open minded doesn't mean you have to agree with the opposing beliefs you know that right, like her other book is awful, full of falsehoods, uses faulty debunked data, like, you realize we can think critically right
@androphobe Who said we were open minded? Complete open mindedness, without the application of past experience, is like making your mind a path to be trampled on by bad actors, if it was even possible.
I have a book like this from the 2000s-ish! An entire book saying that repressed memories are fake and attacks Bessel van der Kolk's work with Catholic priest sexual abuse victims. The author has a degree in education. My favorite part is that the book is dedicated to sexual abuse perpetrators - which she claims are the TRUE victims because repressed memories are fake. If anyone wants to know the title/author I can go dig it out of my bookshelf and find that info. It's a very eyebrow raising read 😂
It is indeed the case that the idea of "repressed memories" and the associated 1990s craze are largely scientifically discredited. At best, they're highly controversial.
LMAO, I always predicted that Abigail Shrier would inevitably pen another hysterical screed about once-angelic children being warped into selfish, broken, benighted ingrates by some other aspect of the evil culture. (But, I always joked that the next book would be about college selection, so I suppose I lose that part of the bet.)
i feel like this was if my mothers thoughts got put into a book. holy heck did she prevent me from going to therapy, and i am so much worse for it. and then with my youngest brother, she realised she got more government money if he was diagnosed with something, and the time she took him to a new therapist and they requested to speak to my brother alone for the first part of the session, she stormed out, and the vented to me like they were in the wrong. i am nearly 40 now, and started going to uni a few years ago. i have to get a note to get special accommodations for a group presentation so i wouldn't have to speak. i have tried. i have given so many oral presentations and the feedback is always no one can understand me over the shaking/crying. it was the first time i have even asked for an accommodation i really need. it was so hard to even ask at all. and i still feel awful that i need any sort of accomodations.
You're right that there is absolutely a way to acknowledge a kid's emotions and challenge the assumption that it will change the outcome (like changing the rule or boundary) or that it is in proportion to the event. Repression will only increase the likelihood of disproportionate reactions. Especially when combined with invalidation/trauma that causes the brain to link the events with a far greater issue/problem.
As you listed off her "credentials" (and her former book), my first thought was the scene in The West Wing where the president confronts the homophobic radio host.
Here’s the thing, you make it clear that you’re drawing a difference between you and everyone else. Which is completely different from what this author is claiming to do.
Sorry to hear that! To echo what the person above said, I appreciate that you acknowledge this was your individual experience and do not generalize it to the entire field as a whole. There are a lot of considerations when it comes to a person’s presenting concern, therapist style, therapeutic technique, and therapeutic relationship. I’ve certainly had not-so-great therapists in the past, too. It’s really just a matter of finding the right fit. And honestly, I don’t think everyone *needs* therapy if it’s not for them!
Most people's mental health problems come about because they aren't being listened to. They are feeling like they are hitting a brick wall whenever they want to make a change or assert a boundary. So they either give up and become passive, become very aggressive, or they have to walk away. This happened to me when I moved into my home alone and certain people then decided that my home was their second home to turn up whenever they liked, stay as long as they liked and behave how they liked. If they visited once with that attitude, that was the last they visited and the last time I spoke to them.
I know why you don't want to go into me Shrier's other book in this video, but I think it is relevant because it does kinda explain why she doesn't like therapy. (Not blantently, more implicitly) Like she doesn't really seem to see kids as people who are people that can make choices or decisions, and anything that she sees them doing that's "bad" must be the fault of some adult, so if a kid starts saying they're hurt or upset but she doesn't think they have a real reason, then it must be the therapist's fault. You can see that in this book too, but it's a lot more obvious in the other one.
34:45 Very funny of Abigail to say that when it was and is a common occurrence for schools with no tolerance policies to come down more harshly on the bullied kid that retaliates after abuse… and it’s not like schools have a good track record with taking care of bullied and harassed students BEFORE any new ‘restorative justice’ policies (which isn’t what she thinks they are, I’m sure, as she’s probably just using what she thinks of as a buzz word) Very funny of Shrier to think this is new and not a product of the system of School itself
The author seems emotionally avoidant and therefore also projects that dissmisve attitude towards others. Ive seen people say that putting too much foxus on your emotions can make them worse, but how the hell is identifying you own emotjons over analyzing them?? Lol
My husband and I went to marriage counseling before we got married, just to check for any problems. We only went for three sessions and were basically given a clean bill of health, and some book recommendations. Therapy doesn't always end in drugs or extra sessions. Sometimes we just need a mental checkup and a good therapist will do that
I wish therapists like you existed when I was a child... Through therapy I have learned that I was neglected and treated differently than my sisters because I have Bipolar II disorder, ASD, and ADHD. Then after military service I got PTSD on top of all of that. A lot of diagnosis that runs into each other. My family was they type you mentioned, "here's my kid, fix him, because HE's the problem". I hope mental health gets a HUGE upgrade in funding here in America. I believe in therapy and psychology.
This opening giving me flashbacks to trying to do therapy as a teen. I zoned out because she kept cutting me off- only to zone back in to hear my mom complaining about how I would stare off into space mid conversation. Gee, that's so strange huh?
I just can’t believe she’s recommending emotional suppression as best practice 😬. And this woman 100% reads her kids diaries 😂
honestly the thought that this lady actually has children is genuinely a worrying one, seeing how she seems to view human beings and children specifically
My mother and my father. They read my diary, absolutely broke my heart especially because serious things I wrote in there
@@marte1376 Violating someone's privacy and trust like that can be so harmful :c I hope you're still able to keep a diary without feeling someone would read it now
@@captainzork6109 I have a digital diary now but I'm just broken inside. My parents never trusted me, I was always a rebel and my opinions and thoughts were different.
People, be careful with what you write. Thanks for your compassion
@marte1376 It probably broke your parents heart that you didn't trust them to know what they rightfully should know.
It's crazy that the author of the book thinks it's so easy for a Gen Z to throw their parents out of their lives. As someone from an extremely abusive family, I couldn't imagine the possibility of leaving them, and that love for people who hated me led me to a TWISTED UNDERSTANDING OF LOVE rather than leaving them. And now I have to work with the fact that I was so attached to them that one of the most important feelings in my life has been distorted.
Welcome to being human
considering said author also wrote a book about how trans people are the fall of society, im not so surprised that she isnt very bright on other social topics too!
I agree. I have put a lot of emotional distance between my parents and myself because of their behavior. I'm not going to leave them though because they are my parents. The choice to let go of your parents must be so hard to make
Are you me? I moved into an apartment and got help from a volunteer group after my family's and their friend's abuse. I get texts from the only non abusive person in my life pre-freedom every day, it feels like every hour. The guilt drives me crazy. I can't talk to anyone else because I feel like a neglectful asshole when I don't talk to her.
To any parents reading this- if you instead help your child pursue their independent life and goals, they will probably like you a lot more and (despite their freedom) freely choose to associate with you a lot more.
So much of this is "i suffered x y and z and therefore you must suffer the same"
Yes. Like I didn’t get to talk about my feelings. You can’t do it either! It’s not fair 😢
It’s a petty mindset but it’s not unchangeable.
Or it's like, "I suffered x y and z and I'm FINE so therefore you would be fine if you didn't talk about it so I'm blaming the therapists because they're the ones who make you talk about your feelings and stuff." The whole thing reeks of denial or "copium"
Agreed. It’s her generation that fucked up some of today’s generation in the first place. Then she’s putting blame on all therapists - absolutely ridiculous I’ve had to combat her videos with so many of my friends because not enough people are talking about all the points where she is clearly wrong. Some things she is actually correct on! But demonizing therapy when there are so many success stories is absolutely disgusting
Isn't that the definition of hazing?
See, anyone's first mistake would be assuming that Shrier understands what she talks about.
And if anyone knows about her transphobic book, then they'd know that she indeed *does not* understand what she talks about.
@@lionelheisler4887 , exactamundo. Anyone who familiarized themselves with her previous book will not be surprised by the lies, distortions, and logic leaps in this one.
She doesn't have a single qualification that's relevant to the field of psychotherapy. She's educated in law and philosophy, and wrote as an opinion columnist. Not exactly shining qualifications when it comes to the field of psychotherapy.
@@mushymass9716she should’ve at the very least had a qualified co-author
So you have nothing to say
She's not mad that abuse is happening, she's mad that people are talking about it.
Only abusers benefit from the silence of victims.
This book was written as cope material for abusive parents looking for a book to hide behind.
True facts
Absolutely, I’m pretty sure this generation has been cheated in every way possible
Never mind, I got further into the interview, and she's literally saying it's a problem for kids to be able to talk about their mother's new boyfriend - aka probably the person *MOST* likely to be abusing them. So I think it's okay to assume the worst in this case.
She just wants kids to be quiet and behave, and just do anything that parents want.
This book sounds like something an authoritarian mom would write after her adult kids go no contact.
This book sounds like something an abuser would write, because they're afraid they'll be caught.
Sounds like it yes.
Have you read it?
An American mom.
Attacking character, yep. Internet never fails
someone might have already commented this, but gentle parenting IS authoritative parenting. The reason for the alternative name is some people get confused between the words authoritative and authoritarian.
Yes! I thought I mentioned this in the video itself but I must've forgotten
Yes!
Authoritarian parenting is strict parenting, while authoritative parenting is permissive parenting... did I get that right? It's easy to confuse the two terms together.
@@leg912
Authoritarian is strict, Gentle _is still_ authoritative (despite the name), and permissive is passive. 🤝
@@leg912 Even using the term authoritative parenting is narcissistic.
@@ThatTallBrendan Yu may want to review that statement. I'm not sure it means what you think it means.
I recently broke NC with my bio mother after 5 years because my father was arrested on domestic violence charges and I felt that she deserved to know about it. She had attempted to tell people about him being a drunk and a psychopath before, and nobody believed her. Because of this experience she had, I thought someone ought to tell her what happened with him.
She sent me an e-mail link about this book after I left her house. And she kept talking about how stupid she felt for having let me go to therapy when I was younger.
The woman that gave birth to me hates everything about who I am now and desperately wants me to be somebody completely different.
This video helped me make sense of... certain things about what she said to me. So I just wanted to say thank you for that.
This is exactly how I feel about my former relationship with one of my siblings.
I really appreciate when someone can balance sass and a bit of edge without being overly condescending and maintaining a healthy dose of humility. Enjoying the slightly more aggressive/callout tone here. Nice!
I knew I would need to use humor if I was going to make it through this video 😂
It’s distracting and hurts the credibility of the video
@@Guillhez no
@@AnaPsychologywhen you said “seems kinda sus” lmaoo
@@Guillhez there is literally evidence and nuanced studies uttered after almost every sentence she says. this is the most credible and engaging you can probably get. cope dude.
Abigail's problem is that she thinks kids should be possessions owned by the parents and she doesn't like it when therapists treat kids as people.
It really is striking how much she treats anyone interacting with children as a potential threat to her personal space/property.
Precisely. Therapists also "plant"/affirm the idea that children themselves are human beings worthy of dignity, safety, boundaries, and rights, which can inspire kids to begin to question how others have been treating them and stick up for themselves.
They treat kids as future revenue.
Because they are owned by their parents. Anybody who squeams at this thought believes that outsiders should have more influence on children than their parents, which is getting into grooming territory.
@@sameash3153Did I really just read someone compare mental health professionals to pedophiles
I made a hard pivot into gentle parenting, because I didn't like what I was seeing develop in my daughter, in response to the way I was dealing with her misbehavior. It felt like she was learning to be afraid of making me angry, and that is the opposite of what I wanted her to learn. It has now been years since I raised my voice to her and she is absolutely thriving. She comes to me with her mistakes and asks for guidance on how to make amends with people. She proactively thinks about her behavior toward others and her teachers tell us that she openly talks about the conversations she has with me and wife about how to handle things, when they tell her she navigated a situation well. She even told me that I am her safe place. I don't even have the words to describe how that felt.
On your daughter's behalf, thank you for being a parent who takes your job seriously
Im 20 and a first born child so when i was a kid my parents would yell and me and smack me when i made mistakes which only made me hide my mistakes and not trust them.. they changed their behaviour when i was around 12-13 and i admit ive had an amazing relationship with them and trust them a lot more since then.
@@ivayia as someone that age too, my parents never changed their behavior, and i’m very closed off to them. i’ve tried to talk to them about it, but they seem to not care and blame me for their actions…i don’t know if ill trust them with a lot of info ever, to be honest with you.
so yeah, please don’t be very harsh on kids. they’d won’t learn to understand, but how to not make you angry at them.
@@ivayia Thank you for sharing that with me.
That’s so touching. Beautiful story that’s making me tear up. I don’t know how having a parent as a safe place feels like but all I can feel is being happy for your thriving child. What a wonderful positive influence you’re having in the world by being a great parent.
Millennials and Gen Z have experienced their surroundings changing at exponential speeds almost their entire lives. Something as simple as FaceTime was a totally cartoonish futuristic idea when I was a kid, now there are self driving cars and neural links. Technological advances had previously been happening at a slower rate for a good amount of time. Also, so many of us have witnessed older relatives’ neuroticism be plainly exposed when given access to social media, this stuff is crazy making. I have so much to say about all of this, but one last thing I will add is that I was doing an intensive outpatient program, and at 26 I was the youngest person there almost the entire time, I was actually really surprised by the age range.
I agree, I just feel the need to say that there _aren't_ properly functioning self-driving cars and neural links. The people and companies who own and are developing these technologies are _pretending_ that they are much more fleshed out than they are.
@@anzaia2164True, but it's more than we had in the 90s.
I think it's revealing an entire generation of mental illness that was previously just hidden.
My elderly parents' entire attitude is "if it looks good, it is good"
I bet the reason nobody talked to her about climate change is because having a conversation with a person in her part of the political spectrum about climate change is like arguing with a car commercial about what the best car is. It doesn't take long to learn how futile it is and stop
That is exactly like talking with my father. He literally said he knows politics because he watched the Trump trial. You know, the one that wasn't televised?
I have no idea what it was he watched, but he also thinks solar panels *create* global warming
I think they're overthinking what therapy actually is, like they're not constantly deconstructing trauma and reopening old wounds every session, it can literally as mundane as telling your therapist what happened in your week, what's been frustrating you lately, how to build better habits, better communicate etc.
thats not therapy, thats life coaching.
I've worked in schools for many years. Parents have definitely handed down their own fears and insecurities about therapy to their children. In 3 different schools I witnessed children refuse to talk the school therapists on the grounds that the therapist will try to brainwash them. It's tough seeing someone in need refusing help like that.
This could have been a good book if the author contrasted "bad" therapy with good therapy and argued for better structures and incentives.
Exactly. I def have my beef with the medical community as a whole, which includes psychiatry and most therapy, but I’ve sought out to distinguish the good from the bad. The problem is that the go to therapeutic approach which is most often talk therapy together with medication, just isn’t really effective and does indeed have a lot of negative side effects (the drugs especially).
I don’t understand why not more effective approaches are being offered and promoted as a go-to, like hypnotherapy. That’s something hat should change. In general a way more holistic understanding of health in general.
Still just bashing therapy as a whole without offering alternatives makes no sense. Emotional suppression and other coping mechanisms def are not a good alternative.
Definitely! I’ve had great therapists, and also a couple that should probably have their licenses revoked
you see, encouraging the field of therapy to improve is the exact opposite of what Abigail Shrier wants. She is not a good person and she does not want kids to be healthier and happier
Agreed, I've had a horrible experience with a school counselor- but phenomenal experiences with the therapy I sought as an adult (which also led to me getting the psychiatric help I needed). I wish I had a better experience as a child with the counselor, or at least been given better language to describe what I was handling- because what I thought was normal mood swings turned out to be bipolar type 2 and it is a miracle I survived past 20. I wish I hadn't been as hesitant as an adult to trust a therapist, because damn when it works it works.
Its almost like the more we talk about mental illness as a commonality instead of just being a "you problem," the more people feel comfortable with sharing their mental illnesses 😮
Her: therapists specifically listed smartphone use as one of the main reasons people are struggling with mental health
Also her, somehow: therapists aren’t taking the impact of technology on mental health seriously!
There are some terrible therapists. I've had a therapist told me to "do what the japanese do and get a body pillow" when I told her I watch anime to distract me from loneliness and isolation. I've had a therapist insist that my suicidal thoughts were intrusive and frequent after telling her I've had a couple suicidal thoughts in the past. There are some absolute terrible licensed therapists that will make patients problems worse.
Absolutely it's why I try to find a therapist that has my values, I'm an Atheist, and I got a Christian therapist, and he tried to convert me. Tell me it was the source of my problems, was I am a non-believer and god would fix my life.
There are bad therapists, but therapy overall is still good. You ultimately choose your therapist; you never have to stick with a therapist whom you dislike.
And those therapists seem to have the mentality of the book writer here, those therapists aren't actually following procedure of any typical form
@@MiraBooYes,it's true. But isn't it what Abigail Shrier means? Kids can't tell if it's a bad therapist...
@@agnesberes4084 not really, no. Abigail is a political grifter who's entire belief system centers around children being the property of their parents. She believes that the only way a therapist can be good is if they tell the kids that every single problem in a child's life is caused by the kid not obeying their parents enough, even if their parents are physically abusive addicts. According to her parents are the only people who should ever have a say in what the child learns and believes, no matter how awful those parents might actually be
39:08 THE IRONY. She criticizes them for not acknowledging the impact of divorce on kids, but she herself fails to acknowledge the impact of STAYING in an abusive/unhealthy relationship/marriage on the kids. So much of what Abigail is saying is so baseless or disingenuous or just straight up intellectually dishonest and I can't fathom many people who read this book agree with her given how wildly incorrect her assumptions are
Every "old-fashioned" parent in a nutshell. I hear all the time people saying stuff like "I was spanked as a child and I survived". Wait, were you actually supposed not to survive? Where do you think you were raised at, Sparta?
There is one thing that really baffles me as someone who wants to have children, how people don't want ANY external meddling on their parenting (unless it comes from their extended family, it seems). Here in Brazil we pretty much shut down any hopes of advancing in sexual education for years because of conservative fear-mongering that they were teaching children to have sex and masturbate. I wholeheartedly disagree that parents are supposed to be sovereigns over their children and control every single thing they learn.
I also really like the similar "I was spanked, and I turned out fine!"
You did not turn out fine. You think it's okay to hit children.
Abigail sounds like a Scientologist. They hate the mental health/medical industry and believe they have the only answers. Great video!
Wait, so the authors idea is we should disassociate? 😂 no thanks done with that one.
"Previous generations experienced more trauma and are more resillient." She says as she writes a novel of trauma responses 😆.
Ugh Abigail Shrier also wrote the Irreversible Damage book, I can't believe how many people like and praise her books when they are so full of misinformation and fearmongering.
Jeez, the attitude of "back in my day no one would do a mental health screening" is more than a little disturbing- call me crazy, but checking children are not in abusive situations is actually a good thing. I also find the maxim "I was spanked and it didn't do me any harm" darkly hilarious- yeahhh it made you think hitting someone, as long as they are much smaller than you and can't fight back, is totally fine- I'd call that harm (thank you so much for pointing that out!)
So true. It clearly traumatized them enough to want to hurt their own children.
It wasn't just the Victorian age where people turned a blind eye to the ills of the world. This was the norm even until my parents' generation.
Ignoring and tolerating evil is the general conservative mentality
If there were not so many horror stories of CPS talking children away from good families because of differing culture or value systems, I’d be inclined to agree with you. Having seen the damage well-meaning idealists can do with the power of the state behind them, I’m wary
@@peregrinecovington4138
Well, there’s a conversation stopper if I ever heard one😂
Yeah, the three years of therapy I did totally arrested my growth. If only I still had issues leaving the house due to crippling social anxiety, regularly thought about ******* myself, had a horrible relationship with my family, no friends, no job and self esteem low enough I'd have to start digging to find it. Therapy sure did me dirty.
if i had a nickel for every time abigail shrier released a book on a subject she has absolutely zero qualifications in, filled to the brim with manipulations of the truth, dodgy research, abuse apologia, and outright lies, all to fearmonger about some horrifing threat coming for your children in order to justify treating children like objects instead of people in order to "protect" them, i'd have two nickels. which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice.
I appreciated your invitation to thought regarding spanking. I absolutely love that we have, as a society, changed our perspective on interpersonal violence, since my childhood. I was not spanked. But I grew up fighting with other boys and having these fights fully accepted by the adults in my life, at school and at home. There was a time when I genuinely "knew" that some words are fighting words, and there are times when you are "asking to get hit" if you say certain things to people. Again. This was the norm. Now, there is a _very_ low tolerance for almost any level of interpersonal violence, and I think that's fantastic.
Actually the problem is the way we live our lives. School to career to the 9-5 and white picket fence. Psychologists just act as a buffer to make people somehow OK with this
Not to mention many of us being trapped in concrete jungles. Humans routinely exhibit the same behaviors only seen in animals when they are captive in an unnatural environment
This way of life works great for some but not all. I think the problem lies with this lifestyle being a requirement to survive in most developed countries.
We don't have that, so
One of the worrying things about this book is how it might affect parents' decisions and when their kids might need therapy , they probably wouldn't let them have it
You are begging the question. The issue is, does therapy help? You merely assume that it does.
@@donjindrathe answer is, on the whole, yes. Studies have shown therapy does have positive benefits. As always everybody is different but in general, yes therapy helps.
The question is answered.
@@A2forty False. Studies have not shown therapy benefits any better than the placebo effect, or any better than talking to your neighbors. And I think even that is overly optimistic.
@@donjindra that's just not true at all but like, thanks for outing your not here in any sort of informed good faith lmao
@@RageOfBeef Prove me wrong if you think you can.
13:08 “Chronic illness mental or physical is to a large extent a function or feature of the way things are and not a glitch - our social and economic culture generates chronic stressors that undermine well being in the most serious ways” - Gabor Mate
Yeah. And once it starts, reducing stress won’t even cure it.
is she under the impression that everyone in gen z grew up going to therapy??
Sometimes you go to therapy because of your own problems.
Sometimes you go to therapy because someone in your life refuses to go to therapy.
I feel like Abigail really wanted to hit her kids but isn’t allowed so she wrote this book to vent lol jk
That is an insane interpretation.
@@donjindra How? She pretty much says she doesn't like that therapists get kids to talk about things that can lead to CPS being called. I can't think of a single person who doesn't abuse their kids who would think that's a bad thing.
@@donjindra she won’t pick you dude
@@catpoke9557 That's a non sequitur.
@@S3lkie-Gutz Who won't pick me for what?
I'm so glad I found this video / channel. Its incredibly thorough.
I've been in therapy for many years now (ADD & cPTSD). I was also working in social services a few years back.
I had to intervene in my nephew's home life in 2019, when he turned 13 and started self-harming. After a year of my interventions, trying to determine what the problems were at home, my nephew became radically more ill, as a result of the abuse he was receiving from his parents.
Hearing this video, so thoroughly define and defend the work psychologists, sociologists and educators do... is a huge relief for me.
Thank you for this video.
Saw this on Rogan and it pulled a cord. This was my response to her on that podcast. 😂
Therapy is the best thing I’ve ever done. It has saved my life and I’ve grown tremendously because of therapy. I have Bipolar II disorder and I will probably be therapy in most, if not all, of my life. I have a good job, eat SUPER healthy, go to the gym five days a week, and run errands. Guess what? I still struggle with depression from Bipolar disorder, current and past trauma, or debilitating anxiety. If you have a good therapist, they will challenge you and make you think in ways you’ve never thought before. Our brains ruminate naturally. Exploring that in therapy and having them intervene helps stop rumination. They are actually trained to help with rumination. Therapy does the complete opposite of encouraging rumination. I kept ruminating on an event and even kept having nightmares. After two sessions, the rumination and nightmares came to a stop. They will give you psychoeducation on trauma, relationships, and mental illness. I am 28, and I am around people my age who don’t know what a healthy relationship is or won’t acknowledge they are repeating their childhood trauma because they are blind to it. I was, too, until therapy. Most people grow up in dysfunctional families and wouldn’t know a healthy relationship or healthy communication if it hit them in the face. I am very self-educated in psychology through years of my reading and therapy. It’s wild this author is just here talking to talk without knowing anything about therapy, how it works, trauma, or psychology. She’s just spewing nonsense. I can name tons of books from Ph. D.s and psychologists with master's degrees that I’ve read.
There’s a reason therapists need master's degrees and Ph. D.s. It isn’t all just common sense or something some people can push through, at least not healthily. They have fMRIs that essentially prove that therapy changes the brain. It rewires our neural pathways. Listen to Huberman, a neuroscientist who is educated on the subject. The people who don’t go are the ones who need it the most, I’ve noticed. The people in my life who won’t go to therapy have the most toxic behaviors, maladaptive coping skills, and don’t know what it takes to have a healthy relationship. This low-key set me off as it’s spewing nonsense and putting stigma back out there for therapy and is false information. She also acts like it’s the therapist's job to tell someone what to do, which is ethically wrong for therapists to practice for a good reason. No one can tell you what’s best for you. They ask you questions and guide you to come to your own conclusions and what’s best for you. If you want to read about resilience, read Supernormal. Yes, trauma is a part of life. It’s why therapists and the field of psychology exist to begin with, to help ease our suffering and cultivate better and healthier coping skills and relationships. Another good book, Body Keeps the Score, literally has brain scans that prove our brains can't just “get over” trauma to counteract that point made of just getting over it. When she gives that example of returning to school and calling it a bad memory, it isn’t that, it is a flashback look at an fMRI. The brain will show what it did as if the trauma were actively happening. We learn these things so we can better help ourselves and treat others. Just because we can say “get over it”, doesn’t mean we should. Just because we have our hands doesn’t mean we don’t use tools. Same goes for therapy, just because we have our brain doesn’t mean we can’t use tools to help ourselves make our lives better and easier. Just because we all have hands doesn’t mean some don’t get arthritis. Same with our brains. Just because we all have tramua doesn’t mean some don’t get mental illness as a result. The point is, just because we all have tramua doesn’t mean some don’t need treatment. It’s why we invent things like tools. As we keep learning about psychology and our brains the more we are learning the way we used to do things isn’t good and there are better ways to go about it instead of just ignoring our trauma and pushing things down. This whole conversation is essentially against using a tool that lessons our suffering, and progresses and educates us.
.not sure if you’re referring to Abigail Shriek’s work…
@@KD-rs6xx this was in response to her talking about her book on Rogan.
The only positive thing for me is that I have made the experience and now know about it firsthand and can maybe serve as a cautionary tale and a testimony of how effed up our entire system is
If simply "getting over it" was possible, everybody would do that.
@@saltiestsiren 100%
I feel horrible for this woman’s children
the book should be called “I dont want kids to be less miserable than I was”
I watched an interview between Abigail Shrier and Manson just yesterday. Imo- there were Inconsistencies galore, biases galore, opinionated, regressive, repressive …I could go on. I had to get my husband to watch it with me to ensure that I wasn’t being overly judgmental. He is pretty laid back and by the end- he was apoplectic! We are both mental health professionals- so we have skin in the game!
I appreciate that this video was longer. You took the time to break things down in a well organized manner and were also obviously being as open and fair as possible w a book like this.
"What [...] stuff are you putting in my child's head?"
I had to stop and do a mental double-take at this line from the "totally fine" parent in the skit at the end of the summary section.
I think you've captured the fundamental divide perfectly with this statement: the belief that people develop thoughts and beliefs and personalities by making sense of their experiences on the one hand, and the belief that those things can only come into a person because some being put them there on the other.
This is one of those "every conservative accusation is an admission/projection" types of things. They believed the first things authority figures taught them without question, and expect everyone else to do the same. They can't imagine giving someone information and letting them make up their own mind, because they never had that as a clear option that kids should have. They've been living off uncritically following orders from on high, and assume everyone else should be just like them.
I haven't watched the full video yet, but I will say from my own experience of seeing therapists for over ten years not all of them are qualified, some do think they "know' better than the client, and cause more harm than good.
Thanks for the really thoughtful analysis! I studied child psych (switched to social psych) and worked with kids for 14 years, and the types of assertions Shrier makes about therapists are exactly the same as the ones the elders of yesteryear made about parents.
ADHD -> “let your kid be a kid.” “My parents smacked me and I turned out okay.” “She’s not depressed, she just needs to stop acting like a victim.” etc.
I think that when there are grains of truth in a premise, it makes a false conclusion even more dangerous. I hope I don’t start talking like that in 20 years 😭😂
Therapy is effective if and only if the patient is willing for therapy to work and if the patient is being honest with the therapist. Therapy is a good thing if you think you need it.
Ya I might be reading too much into this. But this author seems to have a lot of problem with therapy period. she is triggered by it practice unless someone is bonkers koko crazy in her opinion. Like “DONT TALK ABOUT EMOTIONS” is very odd. Maybe she had a personal experience with someone near to her seeking help in therapy (and thought it meant she’s a bad person)
A lot of her works seems to be projects of her own hold ups.
I think it’s weird when people see a bad thing in something going on and say this should just not exist. Like shouldn’t we improve something that looks like it can help?
I think the answer is therpay works for some and not others, and i think whats also equally important is actually recognizing how to properly utilize therapy, and that theres other therapies not just talk about feelings therapy.
I feel like it's more like:some approaches of therapy or types of therapists work for some, not for all
@@angieperezascenciodelmoral3737 I don't think any therapy works for vegetables
CBT involves talk therapy what do you mean@@I_would_like_to_buy_an_E
@@I_would_like_to_buy_an_Eno it's just called counselling, there's nothing wrong with the other therapies either
I feel like therapy works for everyone, but not every therapist works for everyone.
I also think it works for people who want it. If you come with a mindset it wont work, it probably wont.
This book gives me an interesting insight into how the author is seeing the world and how it interacts in her opinion with children in the context of her earlier book. It makes me a little less stressed knowing that her takes on transgender ppl are very harmful but that there is a deeper issue behind it with the conspiracy theory like distrust she has. Maybe it was never about us (trans ppl) in a way
It seems like it really never is about us - perhaps it's more about maintaining their supposed social order/hierarchy. If the lines are made blurry, how stable are the frameworks from which we operate? What does it mean, what happens if the norm is challenged? Where do we go from there? 😮 Solidarity, friend.
Given her awful viewpoints and research displayed in "Irreversible Damage", i am not surprised. If you want a deep dive on that book, Cass Eris has a multihour long series breaking it down chapter by chapter covering and critiquing the book
Exactly what I was going to say lol. Awful lady.
i loved her videos breaking down Irresversible Damage! i also highly recommend them
I have to admit that I almost forgot the premise of this video is ultimately about children, and had an almost kneejerk reaction to your comments on self-diagnoses. Honestly, I would like to hear your opinions on adult self-diagnosis and how likely one would actually seek help without having an idea of what's going on internally.
Found this video after listening to the author on Mark Manson's podcast. I was onboard with Abigail for maybe the first couple of topics of discussion. ie. self diagnosis, and language used matters. Then it got weirdly venty. All this to say, thanks for the video.
Bruh that's craazyyy she thinks being emotionally aware is problematic 😅 That alone tells me all I need to know about this author 🤦♂️
From my personal observations, I think therapy has important benefits, but I think there are real issues in our current society with it being viewed as a panacea or something that everyone should do (or even needs to do).
Dr Ana I love your content so much, its helped me be a better friend, boyfriend, and confidant - especially when you distill things into a formula that can be remembered or even screenshotted for reference. You're so easy to listen to yet i always learn so many new things.
About this video specifically, I'm so glad this long one came out on my day off. It's such a good overview of the importance of mental healthcare and touched on different things i didnt even expect. The specific harms of repressive coping strategies stuck with me a lot.
The parent/teacher skit was funny too, it was so good.
I'm not entirely sure these complainers have ever been to proper therapy.
i dont understand why so many people say things like 'trauma isnt real its all in your head!' like... yes? it is a mental issue, it does occur in your head. its not something you can physically hold why does that suddenly make it invalid?
It’s very interesting how Anna is really proving how invalid this authors arguments by not only using her background on psychology and academic credentials, but an application of reason as well to not only invalid but also inform what the real science and psychology is. This is a very different video
Anna isn’t very sharp.
Also, using Abigail’s own words to highlight her biases and inconsistencies
Regarding the issue of power imbalance between a therapist and child, I think you’re probably projecting your own (good) intentions onto any given therapist, whereas Shrier’s main anxiety seems to be a therapist with ideological motivations in that power role
(here from twitter!) wanted to make a comment because im in law school, and we always talk about “the learned hand formula” which is: the BURDEN of precaution (B) should be less than the product of the probability (P) multiplied by the magnitude (L) of harm.
I say all that to agree with you that Abagail makes NO SENSE in characterizing negative reactions to therapy as unnecessary (i.e. identifying traumas, verbalizing discomfort, more sensitivities) when it’s a burden necessary that reduce the risk of emotional turmoil?! i can acknowledge that maybe therapy genuinely isn’t her jam, but people are not “less than” just because they benefit from the techniques and strategies introduced by therapy. i feel like there’s often (with misinformed people) a quickness to completely reject ideas (because they don’t believe them) rather than hearing people out (which is funny cause kinda what she wants us to do since she’s writing a book 😏).
Despite doing it just through your UA-cam channel, I appreciate you so much as a professional Ana! Your debunking in this video was flawless, how gracefully you picked up all the fallacies, your thoughts are always spoken with such balance and consideration, and the occasional sass just adds so much to it! I particularly liked how you brought up again emotion regulation in correlation with the bizarre content of this book... That kinda became a polar star to me, whenever I feel too caught up in my emotions and reactions.
Thank you for the effort of recording such a long video!
Great dissection of the book, you're on fire. I literally laughed out loud at 33:30 🤣
Same 😂
I hate the idea that "Gen Z are more mentally ill than any other generation!" Because it's just not fuckin true. Mental illness has existed for as long as human record, but a lot of it was excused as something else; be it Demonic possession, some kind of character/moral failing, or simply someone being a little Quirky. Gen Z are just the generation to *most recognize and identify with* our own mental illness, trauma, and neurodivergence. We've identified that excusing it, sweeping it under the rug, or ignoring it only causes more of a struggle. So what do we do? We address it. We take those diagnosis and do something about it. We aren't any more or less mentally Ill than any other generation. And honestly plenty of folks from other generations have broken the thought pattern of "Well nothing is wrong with me!" And moved into the thought pattern of "Life would be a lot easier if I knew why I am struggling." Yeah overdiagnosing happens, but I'd rather a kid get told "You have anxiety, here's some coping mechanisms to help you feel less shy/scared/worried," than having that kid struggle with their shyness/fear/worry on their own.
Black and white thinking seems to be a recurring theme for people who try to pose as an authority outside their realm of expertise
As a (retired) NHS high intensity therapist with an MSc in CBT, I must correct you regarding CBT 'pushing' patients into disclosing their trauma event.This is untrue, I used Cognitive Processing therapy,expsoure therapy, and narrative therapy, and these protocols never did this. What you stated would be therapeutically counterproductive. Yes, avoidance is a barrier to recovery. But through collaboration and utilising socratic questioning, etc, the patient gradually makes sense of their traumatic event. What you are referring to, I think, is flooding. Which is antiquated and debunked
I used to practice primarily CBT. Perhaps I misspoke in the video--what I was trying to say is that, out of all the theoretical orientations, CBT is the only one whose trauma treatment relies on exposure to the traumatic memory and triggers. I agree that it doesn't "push people to disclose their trauma" when done well but, out of all the different treatments, it's the closest one to what Abigail describes, at least in my opinion.
As soon as you said she was a lawyer, it all made sense of her "concerns." They attract a type, for sure.
I'm sure there's a class and generational distinction that informs her worldview, as well.
The parents don't trust the therapists. The therapists don't trust the parents.
I knew i recognized that name somewhere! When you pointed out her previous "work" i gagged. She has no idea what shes talking about lol
Amazing video! Even though I have adhd, you kept my attention the entire time. Loved your little acting-plays in between. Very good info overall. Again, great video!
Excellent video. It’s so easy for people to approach industries/fields of study they themselves are not a part of and make black & white assumptions about that topic, meanwhile ignoring or intentionally misrepresenting what experts actually have to say on the subject. ESPECIALLY when it comes to parenting and child psychology. I appreciate how you approached this very honestly and professionally. just subscribed. Keep up the good work!
I really hope the author sees this video. They care about the topic so much they wrote a book about it, so hopefully they can find it in them to challenge their fixed mindset surrounding therapy. This video expressed several credible arguments and was really well presented.
Im glad you immediately mentioned the other book she wrote so that i can already know pretty much how its gonna go down...
The so called open minded crowd:
The right minded group with the absolute truth saving us all ❤😂
@@androphobe open minded doesn't mean you have to agree with the opposing beliefs you know that right, like her other book is awful, full of falsehoods, uses faulty debunked data, like, you realize we can think critically right
@androphobe
Who said we were open minded? Complete open mindedness, without the application of past experience, is like making your mind a path to be trampled on by bad actors, if it was even possible.
I have a book like this from the 2000s-ish! An entire book saying that repressed memories are fake and attacks Bessel van der Kolk's work with Catholic priest sexual abuse victims. The author has a degree in education.
My favorite part is that the book is dedicated to sexual abuse perpetrators - which she claims are the TRUE victims because repressed memories are fake.
If anyone wants to know the title/author I can go dig it out of my bookshelf and find that info. It's a very eyebrow raising read 😂
I'd love to know 😂
It is indeed the case that the idea of "repressed memories" and the associated 1990s craze are largely scientifically discredited. At best, they're highly controversial.
@@ayosnack1607 found it! It's called "Diagnosis for Disaster" by Claudette Wassil-Grim.
@@JennyBesserit Jenny, you understand that "repressed memories" is significantly discredited? It's likely that the book you read is quite accurate
LMAO, I always predicted that Abigail Shrier would inevitably pen another hysterical screed about once-angelic children being warped into selfish, broken, benighted ingrates by some other aspect of the evil culture. (But, I always joked that the next book would be about college selection, so I suppose I lose that part of the bet.)
I love your videos. you are so smart, articulated, and have a great sense of humor. I really appreciate everytime you post!!
i feel like this was if my mothers thoughts got put into a book. holy heck did she prevent me from going to therapy, and i am so much worse for it.
and then with my youngest brother, she realised she got more government money if he was diagnosed with something, and the time she took him to a new therapist and they requested to speak to my brother alone for the first part of the session, she stormed out, and the vented to me like they were in the wrong.
i am nearly 40 now, and started going to uni a few years ago. i have to get a note to get special accommodations for a group presentation so i wouldn't have to speak. i have tried. i have given so many oral presentations and the feedback is always no one can understand me over the shaking/crying. it was the first time i have even asked for an accommodation i really need. it was so hard to even ask at all. and i still feel awful that i need any sort of accomodations.
Your research is admirable!
Wide-perspectiveness and straight to the point
A big thank you for putting in the work and making those videos!
This grifting author also conflates individual therapy with institutional level mental health interventions delivered withing school systems. Ugh!
You're right that there is absolutely a way to acknowledge a kid's emotions and challenge the assumption that it will change the outcome (like changing the rule or boundary) or that it is in proportion to the event. Repression will only increase the likelihood of disproportionate reactions. Especially when combined with invalidation/trauma that causes the brain to link the events with a far greater issue/problem.
Therapy wasn't effective for me.
I really appreciated listening to this. Thank you very much for the video and your thoughts on the book/author.
I WAS WAITING FOR THE TAYLOR SWIFT SHAKE IT OFF MENTION and when it came up in the skit laughed so hard thank you!!! ❤
Who could have known that a bigot would also be an abusive parent.
It sounds like the author of this book needs therapy
As you listed off her "credentials" (and her former book), my first thought was the scene in The West Wing where the president confronts the homophobic radio host.
I've been waiting for a video like this. Great to see it.
I can only speak for myself, but I tried therapy and it made me feel worse.
Here’s the thing, you make it clear that you’re drawing a difference between you and everyone else. Which is completely different from what this author is claiming to do.
Sorry to hear that! To echo what the person above said, I appreciate that you acknowledge this was your individual experience and do not generalize it to the entire field as a whole. There are a lot of considerations when it comes to a person’s presenting concern, therapist style, therapeutic technique, and therapeutic relationship. I’ve certainly had not-so-great therapists in the past, too. It’s really just a matter of finding the right fit. And honestly, I don’t think everyone *needs* therapy if it’s not for them!
Finding the right therapist is as difficult as finding the right partner. Also, is not for everyone. 😊
You are probably in the majority.
@@donjindra if thats was a majority then why would the majority of therapy clients also be stay in therapy long term
Most people's mental health problems come about because they aren't being listened to. They are feeling like they are hitting a brick wall whenever they want to make a change or assert a boundary. So they either give up and become passive, become very aggressive, or they have to walk away. This happened to me when I moved into my home alone and certain people then decided that my home was their second home to turn up whenever they liked, stay as long as they liked and behave how they liked. If they visited once with that attitude, that was the last they visited and the last time I spoke to them.
This book sounds downright abusive.
Thank you. Just watched her interview with Mark Manson. You were mentioned in the comments.
I know why you don't want to go into me Shrier's other book in this video, but I think it is relevant because it does kinda explain why she doesn't like therapy. (Not blantently, more implicitly) Like she doesn't really seem to see kids as people who are people that can make choices or decisions, and anything that she sees them doing that's "bad" must be the fault of some adult, so if a kid starts saying they're hurt or upset but she doesn't think they have a real reason, then it must be the therapist's fault. You can see that in this book too, but it's a lot more obvious in the other one.
She’s been making the rounds on IDW channels lately I see
Glad you’re pushing back!
34:45 Very funny of Abigail to say that when it was and is a common occurrence for schools with no tolerance policies to come down more harshly on the bullied kid that retaliates after abuse… and it’s not like schools have a good track record with taking care of bullied and harassed students BEFORE any new ‘restorative justice’ policies (which isn’t what she thinks they are, I’m sure, as she’s probably just using what she thinks of as a buzz word) Very funny of Shrier to think this is new and not a product of the system of School itself
The author seems emotionally avoidant and therefore also projects that dissmisve attitude towards others. Ive seen people say that putting too much foxus on your emotions can make them worse, but how the hell is identifying you own emotjons over analyzing them?? Lol
I wish someone taught me to deal with feelings as a child. Too much to ask for this author
I was actually intimidated by the length of this video but when I watched it, i was deeply engrossed for the whole of it. Love this video ❤
My husband and I went to marriage counseling before we got married, just to check for any problems. We only went for three sessions and were basically given a clean bill of health, and some book recommendations. Therapy doesn't always end in drugs or extra sessions. Sometimes we just need a mental checkup and a good therapist will do that
I wish therapists like you existed when I was a child... Through therapy I have learned that I was neglected and treated differently than my sisters because I have Bipolar II disorder, ASD, and ADHD. Then after military service I got PTSD on top of all of that. A lot of diagnosis that runs into each other. My family was they type you mentioned, "here's my kid, fix him, because HE's the problem". I hope mental health gets a HUGE upgrade in funding here in America. I believe in therapy and psychology.
Who would've guessed that anti trans propagandist made more trashy books
This opening giving me flashbacks to trying to do therapy as a teen. I zoned out because she kept cutting me off- only to zone back in to hear my mom complaining about how I would stare off into space mid conversation.
Gee, that's so strange huh?
Shrier: Kids can't be ill! There not real, i still own my one. How dare you suggest there is something wring with him.