The Pleaser. I am well in my 30's now without any friends or a close family. I have been burned too many times by those who took advantage of my nature of not wanting to disappoint others. Unless you know for sure you are going to be rewarded for doing any favors, its best not to or you will be miserable with your life. Point is, it's okay to be the A-Hole every now and then, but it's definitely not okay to live your entire life as a doormat.
Sofia’s being a memeful INFP Its almost like saying that they're still growing, or it's possibly encouraging the fact that whatever someone says or does to a child, thoroughly impacts the way a child thinks and processes situations. Everything you say is a seed planted into the mind of a child, whether it be good or bad. Totally agree with you.
This video made me cry because I realized as I was watching that I fall into parts of each category on this list. I've lived most of my life under the illusion that I was just fucking everything up. But that would be my trauma doing that, and also telling me it's my fault. I'm healing more and more as time passes, and with videos like this, I can dive deeper and deeper. Thank you💜
I can relate to parts of each category. I wonder if some of the damage caused by growing up in dysfunctional and toxic families can ever be repaired. Any thoughts?
Sometimes I just feel nothing. Like, one moment I'm fine, and the next, it's like I've been stripped of all emotion. I have no energy to do anything. I can barely lift my arm. I laugh a lot. Smile a lot. I make jokes and stuff. All around my family. But when I'm alone, I want to scream. I want to scream til my throat is raw and hurts. I want to cry until my eyes have no more tears. And I want to rip through my skin and bleed out all that pain my parents and just the world in general has put me through. I want to, but instead I'll drop to the floor because my legs can't hold me any longer. I'll open my mouth, to scream, but there's never anything to be heard, no matter how much I really want to be heard. I'll cry and cry, but the tears never seem to stop, and I'll scratch at my skin, bang my fists against it, but there's never even a mark. As though my pain isn't there. And then I'll feel blank. And it'll happen all over again. And I want to ask for help. I know I should ask for help, but the thought of actually telling someone about how I feel, actually letting them in and letting them see me, it scares me more than anything else. Whelp, at least I got my cat.
@@corpsepuppy427 its not that they think that, but the way many parents treat children makes it seem as if they believe the child shouldn't or wouldn't be effected and affected by their actions
I’m definitely the vacillator. I grew up as a middle child and my parents were unpredictable. Both of them were either laid back or in a very bad mood and became unreasonable and angry. I do unfortunately have unfair expectations of other people and find myself very disappointed in my friendships and relationships. I have been trying really hard to care less about these situations and tell myself that it’s not personal, but it’s such a struggle.
Parents moved me to Dubai with them when I was 9 and I rarely saw my dad while we lived there. Wasn’t able to put it together until now but that’s definitely why I act the way I do
Same, both of my parents are unpredictable. They are either clingy, depressed/distant, or scolding my siblings and I. I have to flip between pleasing them and hiding. I have a huge fear of abandonment due too friendship complications. And I never end up in decent friendships.
Who else had strict parents and is now "The Pleaser" in relationships ? 🙋♀️ Just realized all the likes ! I wanna hear these strict parent stories now lol
I read people’s faces, intentions, easily make outcomes from these. Eventually that made my own feelings invisiable by myself. I neglect my needs, my ambitiouns, my happiness. And some point my mental health broke down. 3 years theraphy, and 2 years of medications, here I am, just learning to express my feelings. Even that’s a big challange for me because I wasn’t aware of them. As a core of my belief, I didn’t know that I matter. Growin in a healthy enviroment is a chance for a billion, thanks to people with these videos I see you and share with you ❣️
@LEARNER 🕊 honestly, it’s just a natural instinct. You tend to adjust with everyone while neglecting yourself. You just don’t care about how you feel as long as the person you’re adjusting around is happy
@LEARNER 🕊 it is a good quality but like the saying goes too much of a good thing can be bad for you as pleasures we tend to drop into mental health faster because we spend half our life making other people happy we never think about our Own feelings to a lot of people pleasers are awesome but for us ourselves into unhealthy
I definitely became a people pleaser and it was a long journey to find out, accept it and slowly stand up for myself. For anyone reading this: it's worth it emerging boundaries, putting yourself first and most importantly you must remember: you are not responsible for other people's emotions but your own 🧡
I am still a pleaser but i kinda grew out of it by....being more pleaser i geuss? I try to keep my friends happy,but learned that not everything can be done and sometimes,a no is a no. And sometimes,making my friends happy meant i had to upset others or just do something i didnt really want to do,for example,someone upset them,so i would talk it out,or they would want to ask someone a favour but are too shy,so i would ask. Doing all that made me not care what people think anymore. But i still am a pleaser. Fortunately/unfortunately i am not in a romantic relationship with someone,but honestly i think its a good thing,it would probably be worse for me, especially if care and loyalty came from one side. But even though being a pleaser is....i dont know how to describe it....painful sometimes (betrayals are 500% worse) i am thankful for being one,it got me far,and made me more confident. So much so that i would take the blame for something my friend did just because. If you are reading this and youre a pleaser,remember to not give in too much. The best thing you can learn to say is no. It will help you so much. I am not talking about relationships with partners only,i am talking about every relationship. Because once you do that,you broke the barrier that might be preventing you from being confident,and you will increase your willpower
I am a pleaser, and your comment has touched me deeply. I have a hard time standing up for myself, and saying no is rare for me, due to hearing the things I dread from some people, or feeling like I want to feel welcome, liked, or make them happy. But I never stopped to consider what *I* wanted, or more accurately, what I needed. I love my family and friends with all of my heart, and I'm so blessed to have them all and their love, yet I feel like I'm never good enough, like in the video, or I feel a low self-worth. I found a friend who understands what I'm going through, and she has taught me that I need to be my own person and figure out what I need; to focus on some goals and at the same time, learn to know that "choosing me", is not a bad thing at all. Please pray for me, you, and others who are reading this. I'm trying to break my walls in my life and I pray that I will be at a place where I can finally feel like I'm living for myself, and not others constantly. Thank you all!!! 🙏🙏🙏
Let's be clear :Other children also affect the way a child develops. I was bullied terribly. I became a pleaser to avoid any conflict I could. My parents were not the problem. I am working on change.
It's my case as well, but being a pleaser is not necessarily a bad thing if it's not extreme IMO. Unless it's really not who you want to be, don't change too much :)
Exaaactly. I see lots of videos about childhood trauma referring to the impact of parents without mentioning other factors such as the negative experiences with the peers you've had around you.
I'm a pleaser. I don't want any conflicts and I'm afraid with dealing with it. So as soon as I feel like things are spicing up and starts to feel uneasy, I immediately apologize and just forget about the words I want to express.
@@melody7655 He tells me to not be shy and tells me that he's already mine and I'm already a part of his life so if there's something I want to tell and I feel uneasy, I can always tell him. And he also informs me that having a relationship with someone or loving someone isn't all about looking good or pleasing them, if they love they will accept you for who you are and relationships are made so someone will have someone to share and tell his/her thoughts and problems.
omg same, it’s so hard! I constantly spend my time reading others emotions and trying to not anger or upset anyone that it makes me exhausted and not want to hang out with anyone as much :T
@@melody7655 I'm a pleaser myself; but my partner is a controller. It ends up with me being reluctant to even say anything when I'm upset, unless it could not *possibly* in *any* way be perceived to be about him, because it will just start an argument, which I will lose, because he refuses to listen to any other points of view, let alone change his mind about anything. So I end up suppressing everything, feeling miserable and misunderstood and unheard, and becoming resentful. Thanks to counselling I'm working on being more open when I *am* upset about something, or I disagree about something; but it takes a lot of energy, and, knowing it will pretty much *inevitably* lead to a verbal attack no matter how carefully I phrase things, I still too often find myself just suppressing my own wants and needs because I don't have the energy and it won't make a difference anyways. But I'm trying to remember that even if I don't push it, at least if I speak up I'm letting him know that I *do* disagree/am upset, and he doesn't just automatically assume that I am a-okay. And that that in itself is probably worth something longterm, even if it does still result in an argument, and my needs still aren't met. He can't change if he doesn't know anything is wrong. So what I would recommend, from the point of view of a pleaser, is telling him that if anything is bothering him, or he's upset about something, or disagrees with you about something, that you *want* to know about it. You may not agree; but then, he may change your mind, and regardless, *you want his input.* Even if he thinks it's silly, or trivial, or not worth bothering you about, you still care for him deeply, and you *want* to know all those silly, trivial thoughts. Because they're fundamental to *who he is,* actually, not just the face he presents to the world. Because you do *like* who he really is, and you want to connect with the real him. And he doesn't need to worry that any disagreements the two of you may have will cause you to stop *respecting,* or caring about him. And then, when he does open up, try to pay attention to what he's trying to tell you, recognizing that it may be difficult for him to express himself (let alone succinctly). Be patient, and understanding, and try very hard to *not* be impatient, or dismissive, or angry (which are the reactions I most often have issues with myself) And please do try to recognize that things that may not be a priority for *you* may still be a priority for *him,* and vice versa. Try to be kind, to not dismiss things that don't matter to you, just *because* they don't matter to you, and to recognize that if it matters to *him,* it's worth taking into consideration. And try to remember that if you have something that matters to *you,* that *doesn't* matter to him, this is not a rejection of *you.* TL;DR: Try to be open to hearing his thoughts without assumptions, judgment, or dismissing them, and assure him that you *want* to hear him. And leave space for him to do so, and to feel safe in your reactions to them. :)
I mostly identify with the pleaser love style, although my parents weren't overly critical. I believe it is because, as a child I had a "friend" who was really critical and ended up bullying me. She was the reason I started trying to avoid every possible conflict and probably the reason I developed such an introverted personality.
I’m exactly the same! I became such a pleaser that I gave my stuff to people that used me in school, and that was just messed up.. Because of that I lost many important materials that I needed for school.
Oh that's kinda scary what if I with my child with me experience whatever it is that made me feel this way. Bluuuurh I vomit and my child laughs and u know hhm we would laugh it off but we would both have to heal some
I think so too, maybe a combo but mostly a pleaser with people, I do my best to say no or be honest nowadays as I'm an adult now but growing up I was definitely a pleaser. I wonder how that goes as aging. I felt like I was a mix of some watching this cuz a lot happened to me growing up.
Something similar to this is attachment styles. They're basically the same thing. Parents who raised their children in good style will grow up to have a secure attachment style.
Yup. I relate to all of these. I am in a committed relationship and we have been to therapy. By far the most important thing we got out of it was that we have agreed to both try and state our feelings to each other when something isn't going well, instead of just reacting. I did not feel safe doing this until we had talked about it a lot because I did not feel like it was OK to share my feelings. Similarly my partner was also uncomfortable until we talked about it because he is used to keeping things bottled up. We still each have our issues but now we can talk about it and try to understand what's going on, as well as support each other in our challenges.
Thank you for your reply. I also relate to all of these. I was like oh my goodness. How is that so so thank you for letting me know. I'm not alone. I wish you healing
When I realized none of these applied to me, it made me realize how lucky I am to have the parents that I do. When I was in my teens, my mom and dad always joked that our family was odd compared to everyone else. I don't think I understood how right they were. It's my goal in life to be that good of a parent to my kids.
I really dont know why people getting kind of rude about these comments. For me I can relate to atleast two types on this video and I see many who can too. To read that there are actually people in the comments with a loving family is really nice. Cause honestly I know so many messed up people I didnt think that a bright side exists. That normal, loving, caring families are just in books and films. So thanks for sharing! Even more for watching these videos, taking them seriously and being thankful for what they had/have in life.
Same. I had a little bit of each. My parents were very loving, but I want to please people I'm no victim, but I want to be NOT noticed more than anything. Extremely low self esteem, but versatile to every situation. I often like to solve things on my own (but I don't get angry at them, visibly) I idealized a lot with whoever gives me little affection😅, am sensitive, and extremely perceptive I get uncomfortable when people go emotional on me(don't know how the hell to calm them down).
I just realized that I’m a pleaser... My parents are over protective and angry, I say sorry too much, and i break down when I feel I’m a mistake to someone... 😔
I am definitely a pleaser, but not because of my parents. My childhood best friends had negative reactions to things that I had said/done, which led me into avoiding conflicts and not being open and honest with the people I’m friends with now. I can definitely relate to the point about being able to read others moods to keep everyone happy, as well as the point where we give in and apologise quickly. Honestly, it’s gotten to the point where my friends have said that I need to stop apologising. Going forward, I’m definitely going to try and express my emotions more and take my emotions into account, instead of bottling them up and thinking that they aren’t as important as my friend’s’ happiness
As the eldest among my siblings, I'm glad that I was able to watch this video, I've realized that I was a pleaser in my childhood. I can't avoid, but to read the emotions of the people around me, I feel discomfort when I realize they are not happy being with me. This explains why I like to serve the people I love. This video would not only help me, but also help my younger siblings. I would guide them not to experience this types of love style in their childhood.
learning how my mom’s own childhood trauma turned her into a controller which turned me into a pleaser. hoping everyone is getting the mental help they need 💛
Its crazy to me how I felt identify with all of them but yet proud & happy enough that I've broken those cycles and decided to be a betterpartner everyday I decided to uncondintion myself from what I've been thought love should be for me. Its hard, because I'm still working on many more factors that aren't mentioned in this video. Thank you for this beautiful insight!
See how beautiful is you finding knowledge to get through theses hard feelings, how much bravery you have, so see that if you have a little child you’ll pass this beautiful and lovely will power and bravery form him/her. That’s a lot of bad things but are theses things that makes us more into evolution and movement
saaammmeeee like id rather not have someone i gave birth to have to suffer without me knowing that im making them suffer... i love my parents but they hurt me in ways that i cannot believe i will ever forget... and the bad thing is... they dont think its wrong cause thats how they were raised... and now that i am raised this way. id rather not risk hurting someone im supposed to give the world to .you are the first person ive met that thinks the same
I relate to the vacillitator in my early teen, the controller in my school days, and the avoider in general. It could be because I'm both a third and last child so that's just how I was raised, but it could also show my environment growing up affected me. Thanks for the great vid! It gave me some thoughts :)
When I do something wrong my mom always brings up her childhood like "you know when I was a kid we didint have these" or "in my childhood we never talked back we just listen" and I'm like it's not a competition I need help and not your problems that you felt with as a child
mina lor yeah my mom and dad are exactly like that.😂😂😂🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️ In fact...my brothers are like that to 😂😂 they are actually claim I’m a spoiled person and I get whatever I want whenever I want (which isn’t true 😂😂🤦♂️🤦♂️) so they are jealous and keep saying, “when we were your age we never got phones, a computer OR a dog! HMPH!” 😂😂😂
I know right. Then they say they have more knowledge, that theyre the parent. Ha sure, yet i go therapy and you still dont realize your doing anything wrong, despite my efforts to bring it up.
I started crying when I saw myself in the Avoider, I relate to everything on this category, It's not because my mother is a bad mother, but my father wasn't present in my live at all and because of that my mother had to work a lot, so I grew up in my nannies houses away from my mother and father, away from my family. So today I don't like to be or see people get emotional, or to be touched. I like to be alone all the time, it's just in these moments I feel actually calm, when I'm on my own, just how I was my entire life. Because of that I destroyed a good relationship with a wonderful person, and I blame myself until today.
Same. Though, i’m only a pleaser to my friends. When I don’t like them I don’t care if they leave. But if I do, It’s basically the opposite of wanting them gone.
I’ve always been a pleaser, but now I am starting to set boundaries. Took me 24 years to realize I can’t be liked by everyone. I feel more confident and happy with my true self. It was very painful trying to be okay with everyone, just to avoid conflict and be disliked. You don’t have an identity when you try to please everyone 😢.
I found that out just recently that I've always been a pleaser. Setting boundaries have gotten better for me. But I have been finding it hard to set them with people I could potentially get into a relationship with. I feel like I've started a journey of self development and this is just the beginning.
grayce domeier I started out bad but it’s normal behavior for repressing what I felt for many years. I just let out my anger and started showing it to everyone I disagreed with...my family. They just keep telling me to be the sweet girl I was before, basically telling me I shouldn’t defend my point of view. After many arguments, Now I just calmly say my opinion on things and say what makes me happy. That I am an adult and need to set boundaries just like everyone else. The most important thing is that when you say what you want or say your opinion, and they tell you you were never like that, say “Back then I didn’t have an identity just because I tried to please everyone. This is who I really am and I hope you respect that just like I did with everyone else”. This has worked for me. I feel so free now and I hope you feel the same soon 💕.
Wow really happy for you. I tried to change but there's always that part of fear and disappointment I try to avoid. I do get angry at myself mostly for that but at this point maybe its just who I have become now. Maybe I'll have a breakdown over it one day I hope I don't and let myself be free from this chain. Take care. Keep doing what's best for you. ^.^
*1. Pleaser:* over protective parents, avoids conflict, tries to please everyone, flees from relationships when they feel like they can't do well *2. Victim:* chaotic home, find respite in imaginary world, low esteem, uncomfortable when there's calmness, tend to marry abusers Controller: need to be in control always to protect themselves, use anger as a weapon, rigid tendencies, dont like to step out of their comfort zone, do everything on own *4.Vacillator:* inconsistent parental affection, fear of abandonment, idealise new relationships, feel misunderstood, sensitive and perceptive, *5. Avoider:* learn to take care of themselves at a young age, little to no comfort from parents, need space, rely on logic, should open up more
With all of my respect to this channel and the help that it brought me, i strive to raise my children in a way that they'll never have to find out about this video
The pleaser has definitely been the most relatable one to me yet. I’d rather not talk about my personal stuff, but I try so hard to make other people feel good about themselves because I never felt good about myself. I don’t want people to experience things negatively like how I did. I don’t think people deserve bad treatment.
I try to change but i really can't get rid of being the whole pleaser trait stuff. It's getting worse to the point where i make problems for myself even though i already have alot 😑
That is the is exactly how I lived most my life, I’ve tried to recover from my childhood but it’s but it’s tough when ur trying to avoid all conflict because u don’t wanna deal being bullied again
Same, I‘m in a 2 year relationship and I often feel like I‘m losing more and more of myself. I just realized I never had an honest discussion with my gf that didn‘t end with me giving in or apologizing just to get it over with….
I identify accurately with the “pleaser”. I’m 20 now and this most definitely continued into my friendships. The worst part is, my parents are pretty chill now but it definitely affected how they raised me throughout my childhood. So when people meet my parents, they say things like “your parents are super chill!!! Why are you always anxious and scared to break even tony rules then?”
The thing is, your friends will never see your parents the same way you see them, as your parents likely act quite different in front of them than in front of you and also your friends haven‘t been there for your upbringing so there‘s no way they can really know anyways. It‘s really not that hard to seem like a nice person towards someone you barely know and talk to on an irregular basis.
@@dunK1x That’s true. And honestly I chose to conceal this from people I felt wouldn’t understand. The 3 people I did share my past with, they understood for the most part.
i find this too, my mum has grown as a person, no longer in that highly stressful and damaging relationship she was when i was younger but that was still my childhood. shes chill now, and even says to me when i am with my kids and i mimic how she was ( reflex actions for me ) she'll say, " i wasnt that bad?!" i feel i have healed myself in many ways but i struggle with parenting my own children trying to not repeat the same mistakes
I kinda hate the fact that my parents made me this insecure, needy, ... what bothers me the most is that they don't even realise it. I think i belong mostly in the pleaser but i can relate to all roles
I couldn't agree more. My advise is to forgive them for everything they ever done to you even if they can't realise the damage they have caused. I know it's super hard. But forgiving them, will help you let go of the past and look for the future. BUT forgiving doesn't mean that you should expect anything from your parents and in my opinion never go back to them as live with them etc. Much love ❤❤
DutchShitMusic Same, sometimes it’s hard....I find It very hard. But we need to stay strong and brave and help others. I have had a lot of trouble in the past but, I got through it. You can too just stay safe and brave!💗
I am definitely a mixture of the pleaser and the victim… It mainly stems from having a very angry and emotionally unstable father which made the home very chaotic and also for being bullied throughout all my school years, but I’ve come along way and had some healing but still have a ways to go
I'm a Pleaser/Victim mix--my family is very strict so I always try to please them. The situation usually upsets me, so I'll just imagine a "better version" in my head. I end up believing that everything will work out or be okay like the dream version, but it'll eventually turn out to be so bad that I'll just snap and flee.
Me too, but that's because my parents fight sometimes, and when they fight, I meant, they fight. I had to call the police just a week ago because of this. While they throw stuff at each others or me, I have to be calm and give them pats on the back like a kindergarten teacher treating angry children. They act so immature when they are mad that it's depressingly funny. But I don't like to please people all the time though, I am a person with standards and I am not going to let anyone, even my parents push me around like a little puppet. Only I can push myself around
for anyone who feels like reading, this message is for you. this video has been sitting on my favorites for 4 to 5 years already, I watched this when I identified as a "pleaser" type, I was one hundred percent the pleaser type, I just watched it again by chance and got reminded of how I used to be. nowadays, I overcame many things in life and can say I've been healthy for a couple times and turn unhealthy occasionally. if that's how a normal life feels like, then it's how I'm living. when you're healthy, you start to identify yourself with a bit of every one of these types said in the video, but not relate yourself 100% to any of them. being healthy is about having a balance in life. we all go through struggles, no matter how strong of person you think you are, when you lose a parent you love or someone as close to you, you're going to feel it and when you do, it might impact on your lifestyle. it is possible to go back to the same issues you used to have before. balance is starting to go back and then stop yourself, getting yourself back to the right path not to rush towards something or do anything extreme. I have a bit of a "the controller" type on me because now I stand up for myself. I have my own opinions and can gather enough courage to expose them to people who might not think the same. this is how people get into fights btw, because someone opposes to your way of thinking and then either you or the other start the fight to prove who's right. it's wise to know when someone isn't agreeing with you, that you should stop talking and change subjects instead of trying to prove a point. learning self-love is very important and is the main key, really, to solve most of your issues. I'm not saying to be an ignorant and neglect your issues, no, if you have issues unsolved, you should seek to solve them, but most important thing is to accept we have issues and fears and insecurities but if you love yourself, is proud of being idk, a moral person or of an achievement you had, or if you have fun doing the hobbies you do, most of the issues go away. the low self-esteem specially go away. most people think about looks, and I understand that, that's the hardest thing to change your opinions about but I'm just going to say here, the average look exist and most people are average, so, no, there's a huuuge chance you don't look bad, but average. and if you work on yourself a bit more, you can improve it. dressing up nice, putting on makeup if you're a girl, or guy, why not, in korea they do it often, and changing the way you cut your hair, looking up on the internet for a look that might suit you, and there you go. get some opinions from trusted people too if it helps.
My mom has a huge habit of gaslighting and she's always so close-minded. She and my dad have a horrible dynamic and they get into arguments all the time over tiny, insignificant things. As I grow older, I worry more and more that I'll subconsciously pick up on my mom's behavior, and that any future relationships that I have will mirror that of my parents'. I feel for anyone going through the same thing. You're not alone, and *you're not the problem.*
I struggle with the same exact thing. Sometimes when my parents argue, my mother starts to pack up her things, even if she never really leaves. I'm afraid of getting into a unhappy marriage and tend to overthink and being overcritic to my partner in fear of making the same mistakes my mother did. How do you cope with it?
@@alicegentili7345 Honestly, I don't. I usually just push those thoughts into the back of my brain and distract myself with tv or something :// Sorry I couldn't be of more help :
I feel it too. Sometimes, I been reflecting it on days after she gets mad at me alot. I hate hurting my partner. I'll be moving away in a month, but my parents have been trying to find any reason to make me stay here another year or more.
I'm a terrible combination of the pleaser(always puts others before myself), victim(remains quiet and goes with the flow) and avoider(keeps my emotions bottled up and when I do get angry I want to be alone so I don't take it out on others) :(
my mom: *cries* me, apparently a pleaser: mom dont cry im sure everything will work out you have me and my brother dont worry me: *cries* my mom: what are you crying for!? you want a real reason to cry!?! i mean, i dont want to play a victim or something, i know that my mom doesnt have an easy life and i shouldnt complain, but it really makes me sad when she reacts this way
You're attitude and understanding about that is very... Pleasing! ... Please never change . You are very sweet . You should not have to deal with that . Maybe write yoir mom.a nice letter on how that makes you feel. Or , talk to a good friend. I love my parent certain but I was never allowed to cry .. it would be o we very upsetting issues too like death.... very bizzare how people act this way . We MUST not become them . Continue to be loving and sweet or else the cycle will continue
Oh God. I realized I'm such a pleaser. My mum is an angel but she was a single mother, sometimes under a lot of stress so I was always trying to be a very good girl, help at home, take care of my little sister and never be problematic. Now It's very difficult for me to say no and I lie just to avoid conflict. I'm working on that by the way. Thanks for the video, really useful.
I am pleaser as Well, I try to please a lot of people.at the same.time and I tend to lie a lot and postpone telling the truth until it is unbeareable. Even if it is something stupid or.small. My parents were over.protective when I was little.
@@Ek70R I feel you, i do the same and a i hate it. A friend once said to me "what is the worst thing that could happen if you tell the truth and someone get hurt or don't like it? is that person going to kill you or die? No, so don't be so afraid" Since then i try to live under those words haha sometimes really helps :)
I am definitely the vacillator, I overwhelm myself with negative thoughts that my partner doesnt want me anymore because of the smallest change in their response or behaviour. I immediately want to run away, build a wall to never let anyone disappoint me again. I idealise a new romantic interest so much that i become consumed by the fantasy version of them, that when they act out of character I assume the worst in them and end things immediately, instead of accepting that they are just human
i’m the vacillator a little bit. but i grew up with love and protection so i had a hard time coming up for myself and being alone but i’m still really grateful for the way i grew up!!
@@hwlsgrl basically they’re saying that parents need to remember all the good and bad things that happen to them as a child and try to use that to make the best experience possible for their kids
I'm definitely a "pleaser" and "avoider". I often try to please anyone and I seriously dislike conflicts (unless is truly necessary for me that the conflict is solved). I also don’t feel like expressing my feelings so "openly" to anyone so I try to keep them for myself. I remember I told something to my mom once and I couldn’t hold anymore, I started crying.
Same.. I either stay away from problems or try to solve them quickly, I can't stand fights, Unless they have a good reason, but even still I tend to stay FAR away from problems.
definitely this, the last bit about crying out of nowhere even when the thing you’re talking about isn’t remotely sad but has held emotional weight over you for a long time without you noticing is so accurate. and then i feel bad about ruining the mood or conversation so i tell everyone to disregard it because “i’m not actually sad”
I am also like this, and you are not alone. I remember telling my mother I wanted to kill myself and I still do because of her reaction. She yelled at me for trying to get attention instead of getting me help. Like me, you'll have to learn how to end toxic relationships with toxic family members. I hope your mental health is better than when you where a child and I hope you know that there are always people who love and care about you, even if it's not who you expect it to be.
The pleaser, no doubt 💔😭 When I have children, I`m gonna make sure to give them all the affection, comfort and patience they`ll need and so much more💞 Plus given I have ADHD. Thank you so much for this.
Same. I relate to the pleaser and the victim, and it sucks. Even when I find healthy people to be around, I am the one who turns the relationship unhealthy by offering more than I can give and failing to communicate my dislikes. Being around other people for me is actually exhausting, painful, and lonely.
WOAH! That description of the avoider is freaking spot on for me. Although, my parents are more attentive than you described. I have to make my own food usually. I deal with problems on my own, and tend to get stressed/very uncomfortable when other people get overly emotional because I myself am detached and logical towards situations.
Psych2Go It’s not really a follow up, or something to change, but I would like to see you guys do a video on Selective Mutism. (Which is something I have).
Psych2Go oh, you could also follow up on how more non-abusive types. (Either on this topic of something else). I think it helps to compare and contrast how different upbringings can change their future self.
I resonated a lot with the Vascillator and the controller the most but honestly I feel like I related to them all. Idk if that’s good or bad haha but yea 😂😢
Me too, glad I’m not the only one who feels like they have every one. I mean sorry that you feel that way I’m not glad that happened but its cool that I’m not the only one
@@hamsterstyle6152 Thank you honey. You are NOT alone and I’m sending lots of love and light your way. You ARE loved and wanted don’t ever forget that ! 💖💖💖
Feels like I’m a weird mix of all of them and that’s confusing. Update on this: You guys shouldn't be confused. I learned that from the people who responded. People can't be labelled so easily, and as such find it confusing when they are. We're all different and special and define ourselves. Thanks to everyone for being so responsive and helpful. Everyone out there, you're the best, and deserve nothing less for yourselves.
Destiny Lee that’s always good to hear. There’s comfort in knowing that there are always people out there that are sharing the same experiences as ourselves, whatever that may be.
don't be confused, unfortunately the method of using archetypes to label people's style of affection is flawed and way too "one size fits all". you don't need to fit under a certain label. :)
So I can identify with all of these. I grew up in an angry, neglectful household full of violence and addiction. Looking at all of these as something I have been trying to deal with has been overwhelming and leaving an overall feeling of hopelessness. So, for those of us like me, how do we ever feel like there is a happy ending or at least something worthwhile to work towards?
Same. My mom was bi-polar, but nobody talked about mental illness. It was shameful. So instead she drank to excess, smoked 4 packs of cigarettes a day, and popped pills like Valiums and Darvons. She was a Narcissist with extreme OCD, who was emotionally unavailable and verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. She was also a bully in every way imaginable. Then I married a domestic abuser and endured that for 12 years. I have a LOT to unpack.
I am definitely the victim. My parents were never abusive to me, but the atmosphere wasn't the best. I definitely relate to the staying quiet, anxiety, and making up worlds.
I'm sorry. I know a little bit of what you mean--my childhood atmosphere (especially in the summers) was eerily quiet and lacked a ton of parental and sibling support. To cope, I made up stories and imaginary friends to escape to. Although, did you mean it was just tense and scary a lot of the time? Did I misinterpret you? I'm sorry!
@@cutecloverrunevalyn2573 You're fine. I grew up in a Christian home, so it was a safe environment. But there were family issues. My dad had been a counselor before he had kids, so it felt like he was always trying to fix us. Especially my sister. He was constantly lecturing her, sometimes for the most trivial things! I can't count the times I heard her crying behind closed doors as he just went on and on, trying to force her to agree with him. It hurt my heart. I know Dad was just trying to help prepare her for life, but he could have been gentler about it. Speaking our minds about stuff was considered rebellion if it differed from what my parents thought. It was stifling. Reading books and making up stories were some of the few things that kept me sane. Luckily things are better now. Oof, sorry for all that. I don't really have anyone to talk to about these things.
@@pop_rox_21 No, it's okay! I didn't have anyone to talk to for awhile either. I was lucky enough to get a therapist, though, and that has helped a lot. I'm sorry your family was so stifling, even if they had food intentions. But I hope, their good intentions make it a little easier to forgive them? I don't know, I know it helps me. I also grew up in a christian home, but I had lovely parents who just couldn't be there often. My mom had gained over the years all sorts of terrible long term mental and physical illnesses, and struggled so much she couldn't get out of bed most days. My dad had to work to provide for us, and he always worked very hard, but was also very tired at the end of the day, so I hated to bother him, especially about trivial things. My siblings and I grew up taking care of ourselves though, more or less. But we never talked about it, so I never felt like it was okay to voice my loneliness or frustrations with them. Because, when it all really, truly started, I was the youngest child, and very young, and had no one to turn to. I used my imagination a ton to cope, and that helped, but, it wasn't the same.
@@pop_rox_21 Summers were the worst. My siblings left to hang out with friends or play video games on their own (they didn't want to be disturbed) but my friends couldn't hang out, for what felt like forever. They were always busy, and I cried because I felt I wasn't important to them, but I couldn't tell my family about it because it concerned them as well. I...used my imagination a ton for those summers, haha ... I'm so glad things are better with your family though!
Vacillator Gang, let's idealise the perfect relationship with someone you just met and have a mental breakdown when your expectations aren't met. who's down?
I'd apply for all 5 too in some form. A lot of time has passed and i already reflected on many of these points, i found a couple more friends and met a girl but it's still a work in progress. Lately i found myself having emotions again, crying for the first time in over 10 years. I don't know why, but it was good. I'd say this recovery stuff started 4 years ago when i left high school and spent a full week with some mates. It was the first time i really felt accepted and didn't feel like i was acting, not constantly seeing myself doing the things that people expected. Anyways, my point was, i think my problems also helped me. There are many people out there having issues that you only understand if you've been through it yourself. Because i was different, i started seeing things differently than people around me. Because i kept for myself but still had to adapt to people, i observed everything from a distance, uninvolved and untouched by emotions and feelings, beacuse i suppressed them. I saw what made people angry, i saw what made them happy. I saw patterns in complex situations, triggers for behaviours. I did it with me and my own friendships as well, that is the hurting side. I started to understand many things others do not, because they were too involved. I am good at settling arguments, i'm neutral and i recognise the undelying feelings. Because i experienced some problems in a very pronounced way, i could understand them clearly. I'm bad at reading emotions, especially towards me, but when i observe a discussion or argument, i know when and what to do to keep it from turning bad. I can know the reasons why people clog up and what they do and do not need in that situation. I don't feel confident about helping other people yet, but i can tell others how to approach it and show people where their problem lies. We all have problems in some way or another, we're human, but we often don't see our problems or misbehaviour, because it may be subtle, often multiple things coming together. I've been out of bounds, so i can show people when they run in circles or overshoot. Once you've been in the water, you can deal with rain all day. So in the end, nothing we do is wasted. Being sad is hard work and learning, it's just not valued as much. Every one of the 5 problems is still an ability, it's just not useful in the context of your individual relation. While we may wrap our whole thinking, conciousness and life around a bad childhood, we're still compensating for something against our natural needs and that is a tough skill. It breaks a victim in the picture of a functioning society, but primarily it's a strong standing of our own belief. Problems make strong people. You used to always run away to avoid conflicts, now you're good at knowing when a conflict doesn't lead to anything. You used to always hunker down in a conflict, now you know when to stay cool. You used to always attack your attacker, now you can confidently show people when they overstep rules. You can also tell others when to bail, stay cool or protect them. The salt is what makes life tasty, as a fellow rider i once met in the street told me. With problems comes progress. Overall i wouldn't those kind of problems are all worth the pain and time, especially because you often can't easily solve your own habits, otherwise you would already have. Talk to others but also work on it yourself. Finding out how to help yourself is the most powerful skill. Realise what you like about yourself, keep it and build on that. It may take time, but nothing is lost, the longer you need, the more there will be :)
Definitely a pleaser. I'm struggling now with setting my boundaries and learning to say what I feel without always worrying if it's gonna upset someone.
It can get super stressful. It’s Wally exhausting. I’ve lived like this for 40 years. I only started becoming aware of my tendencies in the past year and a half. It frustrating and a relief at the same time.
I'm definitely the pleaser, I'm constantly worrying that I'm not treating someone good enough, and worry that I did something wrong if they aren't talking to me, and tend to cry over it a lot, so I'm pretty sure I'm the pleaser.
i think my boyfriend fits the pleaser as he is always saying i deserve better than him ans always saying sorry and i feel really bad that he keeps apologising when he hasnt done anything wrong...is there anyway i can help him realise his worth more, asking you as you say you are a pleaser and might understand on a personal level that i dont x
I always feel like I’m the pleaser. I try my best to make everyone happy by: splitting up my time for my family and friends, helping people with their problems, comforting someone, owning up to all my mistakes and sometimes other people’s I find this terrible. I constantly feel like my whole life is being controlled by my emotions and my heart rather then my head. I’m very naive and I’ve been manipulated multiple times by family and friends. I’m trying to be less of a push over gl to everyone else
I’m a procrastinator pleaser. I’m always worrying bout how other people feel about our relationship, but i don’t do anything and then I get angry at myself even though it’s my fault that I’m not doing anything 😅
I cried while watching this, it's just that how many child like me are suffering from this kind of childhood. I wish the best for them. And for those who expirienced what a happy family is, please treasure it, don't let it go to waste, as having a happy family is the thing I will never experience. The think I wish I can have.
Sebastien Xhean you can have it in your future if you promise yourself to be the change you want to see. And then act on that change by constantly being aware of your behavior to make sure you’re not doing the things they have listed here as bad parenting. And doing things that are basically the opposite of everything the parents did in this video. And I’m sure that’d make for a good parent/family.
Am I the only one who watches these kind of videos for the purpose of understanding the way my characters feel in my stories? I feel like I can't relate to some of my characters and I don't know what they would do in certain situations. These psychology videos really help me understand how people who have had troubles I haven't feel.
It really does help out for me! And then I try to study more in-depth on how the way they'd think in different situations and what they'd feel and their reactions and why and such. It always helps me to understand my characters properly when I write them, even the more difficult ones! ^w^
I'm a mix. My attachment style is a product of chaos, moving, a mentally ill parent who was supportive and loving in general but failed in creating a stable home life, getting me the right medical treatment and realizing that the 'ghosts' she saw were intense and frequent hallucinations from bipolar disorder that wasn't helped by her PTSD. She tried to show that she loves us but in many ways wasn't able to or capable of doing it the ways it was needed and wanted Mine is also a product of other childhood experiences with other children and bullies. Of learning to not get attached to classmates, not make friends much and stay distant because often I would get hurt and that there wasn't much of a point anyway because we would just move again. (13 different elementary schools folks). At a young age I learned to observe and analyze other people's behaviors for specific emotions and how they interacted socially. So I could be ready to duck out or prepare to mediate/soothe very quickly to reduce or avoid conflict. I wasn't really able to stand up for myself until I was an adult aside from some very loud and direct outbursts and dressing downs. I still struggle with it in various ways. And it's primarily due to years of therapy and getting my own mental health under better control that I'm even functioning. At times I've even managed to thrive, grow, advance and move my life forward. But there's always an undercurrent of me just feeling like I'm barely treading water. (Health issues have not aided in the attempting to swim part ether) I don't know how to handle things when they aren't chaotic, I've gotten better over the years. But when you're molded by chaos, you can't switch it off. I push people away when they get too close and run away/react in some manner when they or the life I share with them becomes stable for 'too' long because it inherently scares me to lose them on someone else's terms or influence. And I just realized that's what happened with a couple long term relationships. There were other factors involved in the demise of them, but until this comment I hadn't fully realized or pieced together this even with Therapy. Good thing I got back into it recently.
This is uncomfortable for me to admit, but I can relate to all of these in some way, due to some of my experiences that were parallel to as in the video. I’m only sharing this here as comfort for anyone else here that it’s okay to have emotional issues, and that it’s okay to share with others. The first steps I took towards healing is letting some of my friends who noticed things like this in me become a strong support system I could trust. Update: Since some of you like to debate, let me clarify: I understand that not everything points to another instance for everyone. I know what I experienced myself, though, which was a lot of misunderstandings and unkindness in my family which almost destroyed my carefree attitude until I learned to heal, and I appreciate those of you who get the point of my words: care, and, as previously suggested, comfort and encouragement.
Psychology is not science. I have every single trait from all these "types". Don't you think humans are more complex than depictured in psychology? Or maybe I'm just screwed.
What love style do you relate most to here? (part 3)
The victim
The Pleaser. I am well in my 30's now without any friends or a close family. I have been burned too many times by those who took advantage of my nature of not wanting to disappoint others. Unless you know for sure you are going to be rewarded for doing any favors, its best not to or you will be miserable with your life. Point is, it's okay to be the A-Hole every now and then, but it's definitely not okay to live your entire life as a doormat.
Victim 🙃
Why the new comment on an old video?
The avoider
My goal is to raise my children in such a way, that they don't have to recover from their childhood.
@sad but true man 😔
@@Aryan111ize 🌻🙌🏽
I'm not having children because I don't think I can do that for them.
@@Lemonnex that selfless mindset you have makes me think otherwise love 🌻
@Null Ledge I completely understand what you're saying. Keep your head up 🌻
I love how children are drawn with a little plant on their head... it says a lot
Sofia’s being a memeful INFP Its almost like saying that they're still growing, or it's possibly encouraging the fact that whatever someone says or does to a child, thoroughly impacts the way a child thinks and processes situations. Everything you say is a seed planted into the mind of a child, whether it be good or bad. Totally agree with you.
I see it as an expression of sprouting, innocence and elvolving throughout childhood.
I just noticed that!
subliminal messages lol
I always think of them like Pikmin. www.pikminwiki.com/images/5/55/Blue_Pikmin.png
"the pleaser..."
i started crying
I think its something about her voice. Pleasant and soft for the ears, makes you feel warm all the way down in your center
Daniel qq tu tá fazendo aqui?!
Same here
Hey same here man
Me too
This video made me cry because I realized as I was watching that I fall into parts of each category on this list. I've lived most of my life under the illusion that I was just fucking everything up. But that would be my trauma doing that, and also telling me it's my fault. I'm healing more and more as time passes, and with videos like this, I can dive deeper and deeper. Thank you💜
I can relate to parts of each category. I wonder if some of the damage caused by growing up in dysfunctional and toxic families can ever be repaired. Any thoughts?
I grew up this way aswell
Me too..❤❤
@@dorislenahan1864 I believe everything can be healed from. There might be scars but even those eventually fade with time and care
Your comment is so relatable to my life...❤
"It's not you, it's my messed up childhood"
Oof.
lmao
Sweet, another excuse I can use on the new girlfriend
Do you mean "you" or "me"?
@@minecraftminertime it's you, I'm referring to the "It's not you, it's me" line
i'm watching this rn not only for myself, but for my gf too. she has had a bad childhood and i wanna make sure to make her feel cared for
Good on you.
* me saluting
You are God sent💕
Same
You're gf is very lucky to find you♡
I hate how parents think children are emotionless
What parent thinks that ? XD LMAO WTF
Sometimes I just feel nothing. Like, one moment I'm fine, and the next, it's like I've been stripped of all emotion. I have no energy to do anything. I can barely lift my arm.
I laugh a lot. Smile a lot. I make jokes and stuff. All around my family. But when I'm alone, I want to scream. I want to scream til my throat is raw and hurts. I want to cry until my eyes have no more tears. And I want to rip through my skin and bleed out all that pain my parents and just the world in general has put me through. I want to, but instead I'll drop to the floor because my legs can't hold me any longer. I'll open my mouth, to scream, but there's never anything to be heard, no matter how much I really want to be heard. I'll cry and cry, but the tears never seem to stop, and I'll scratch at my skin, bang my fists against it, but there's never even a mark. As though my pain isn't there. And then I'll feel blank. And it'll happen all over again. And I want to ask for help. I know I should ask for help, but the thought of actually telling someone about how I feel, actually letting them in and letting them see me, it scares me more than anything else.
Whelp, at least I got my cat.
@@corpsepuppy427 its not that they think that, but the way many parents treat children makes it seem as if they believe the child shouldn't or wouldn't be effected and affected by their actions
I can relate to it 😟
@@corpsepuppy427 U know why but they do . My dad even said me it "I really don't know why you are so emotionless?" Not everyone is perfect
I’m definitely the vacillator. I grew up as a middle child and my parents were unpredictable. Both of them were either laid back or in a very bad mood and became unreasonable and angry. I do unfortunately have unfair expectations of other people and find myself very disappointed in my friendships and relationships. I have been trying really hard to care less about these situations and tell myself that it’s not personal, but it’s such a struggle.
Parents moved me to Dubai with them when I was 9 and I rarely saw my dad while we lived there. Wasn’t able to put it together until now but that’s definitely why I act the way I do
Same, both of my parents are unpredictable. They are either clingy, depressed/distant, or scolding my siblings and I. I have to flip between pleasing them and hiding. I have a huge fear of abandonment due too friendship complications. And I never end up in decent friendships.
“Which love style do you identify with”
Me: yes
I can relate 😥
Same
Yes
nice
Lmao same
Who else had strict parents and is now "The Pleaser" in relationships ? 🙋♀️
Just realized all the likes ! I wanna hear these strict parent stories now lol
S yerrrrrrr 👋🏾
I just don't know I feel like you'll love me too much and it's strange you'll love me a little and I'll leave
🙌
69th like
And yes
imagine having a love life lmao
Hugs to everyone who's watching this and trying to make it through your tough time
abinaya Elil thank you.
abinaya Elil thanks a lot
abinaya Elil love you
Thank you
Ty
Timestamps (someone had to do it)
Pleaser - 0:46
Victim - 1:59
Controller - 3:00
Vacillator - 3:57
Avoider - 5:00
Thx
Tysm
Tysm!
😂
"As pleaser children grow into adults, they learn to read the mood of others around them to make sure they can keep everyone happy."
I can relate.
my doctor told me that too
I read people’s faces, intentions, easily make outcomes from these. Eventually that made my own feelings invisiable by myself. I neglect my needs, my ambitiouns, my happiness. And some point my mental health broke down. 3 years theraphy, and 2 years of medications, here I am, just learning to express my feelings. Even that’s a big challange for me because I wasn’t aware of them. As a core of my belief, I didn’t know that I matter. Growin in a healthy enviroment is a chance for a billion, thanks to people with these videos I see you and share with you ❣️
same
@LEARNER 🕊 honestly, it’s just a natural instinct. You tend to adjust with everyone while neglecting yourself. You just don’t care about how you feel as long as the person you’re adjusting around is happy
@LEARNER 🕊 it is a good quality but like the saying goes too much of a good thing can be bad for you as pleasures we tend to drop into mental health faster because we spend half our life making other people happy we never think about our
Own feelings to a lot of people pleasers are awesome but for us ourselves into unhealthy
I don’t even feel safe crying in front of my mum.
I'm not sure if it helps, but i might understand. My dad used to and still covers his ears and yells at me whenever I cry in front of him.
I don’t cry in front of people as I don’t like to see them upset. So I do it in the bathroom.
I just pretends to sleepy when I want to cry.
Same
Same
Can't have relationship problems if you'll never have a relationship hehe
Thank you Mao LongDong very cool
Well yes but actually no..you'll have the relationship with -Satan- yourself.😗
he's speaking the language of Gods
Indeed
My nigga
I definitely became a people pleaser and it was a long journey to find out, accept it and slowly stand up for myself. For anyone reading this: it's worth it emerging boundaries, putting yourself first and most importantly you must remember: you are not responsible for other people's emotions but your own 🧡
I am still a pleaser but i kinda grew out of it by....being more pleaser i geuss? I try to keep my friends happy,but learned that not everything can be done and sometimes,a no is a no. And sometimes,making my friends happy meant i had to upset others or just do something i didnt really want to do,for example,someone upset them,so i would talk it out,or they would want to ask someone a favour but are too shy,so i would ask. Doing all that made me not care what people think anymore.
But i still am a pleaser. Fortunately/unfortunately i am not in a romantic relationship with someone,but honestly i think its a good thing,it would probably be worse for me, especially if care and loyalty came from one side. But even though being a pleaser is....i dont know how to describe it....painful sometimes (betrayals are 500% worse) i am thankful for being one,it got me far,and made me more confident. So much so that i would take the blame for something my friend did just because.
If you are reading this and youre a pleaser,remember to not give in too much. The best thing you can learn to say is no. It will help you so much. I am not talking about relationships with partners only,i am talking about every relationship. Because once you do that,you broke the barrier that might be preventing you from being confident,and you will increase your willpower
@@IAmTheSenate218thx mate, you just made my day :)
I am a pleaser, and your comment has touched me deeply. I have a hard time standing up for myself, and saying no is rare for me, due to hearing the things I dread from some people, or feeling like I want to feel welcome, liked, or make them happy. But I never stopped to consider what *I* wanted, or more accurately, what I needed. I love my family and friends with all of my heart, and I'm so blessed to have them all and their love, yet I feel like I'm never good enough, like in the video, or I feel a low self-worth.
I found a friend who understands what I'm going through, and she has taught me that I need to be my own person and figure out what I need; to focus on some goals and at the same time, learn to know that "choosing me", is not a bad thing at all.
Please pray for me, you, and others who are reading this. I'm trying to break my walls in my life and I pray that I will be at a place where I can finally feel like I'm living for myself, and not others constantly. Thank you all!!! 🙏🙏🙏
these pictures are making me cry I just wanna scoop up all the small sprout kids and hug them
Sprout kids are so much cuter than fungus kids.
Artisuu we have plushies soon!
I just wanna take a shit
ikr the one at 5:11 actually brought tears to my eyes
I know right, who makes these photos?
Let's be clear :Other children also affect the way a child develops. I was bullied terribly. I became a pleaser to avoid any conflict I could. My parents were not the problem. I am working on change.
It's my case as well, but being a pleaser is not necessarily a bad thing if it's not extreme IMO. Unless it's really not who you want to be, don't change too much :)
One or both of your parents should have taught you to stand up for yourself. Life is rough… it’s not sunshine and rainbows.
You don't have to try hard bud... just you do whats best for you. Let everyone else figure their issues out... you focus on you.!
I think my brother had a bigger impact on me than my parents did.
Exaaactly. I see lots of videos about childhood trauma referring to the impact of parents without mentioning other factors such as the negative experiences with the peers you've had around you.
I'm a pleaser. I don't want any conflicts and I'm afraid with dealing with it. So as soon as I feel like things are spicing up and starts to feel uneasy, I immediately apologize and just forget about the words I want to express.
What could your partner do to make you express yourself? ❤️ My bf is a pleaser, I think. Any advice? ❤️❤️
@@melody7655 He tells me to not be shy and tells me that he's already mine and I'm already a part of his life so if there's something I want to tell and I feel uneasy, I can always tell him. And he also informs me that having a relationship with someone or loving someone isn't all about looking good or pleasing them, if they love they will accept you for who you are and relationships are made so someone will have someone to share and tell his/her thoughts and problems.
omg same, it’s so hard! I constantly spend my time reading others emotions and trying to not anger or upset anyone that it makes me exhausted and not want to hang out with anyone as much :T
Same 😔
@@melody7655 I'm a pleaser myself; but my partner is a controller. It ends up with me being reluctant to even say anything when I'm upset, unless it could not *possibly* in *any* way be perceived to be about him, because it will just start an argument, which I will lose, because he refuses to listen to any other points of view, let alone change his mind about anything.
So I end up suppressing everything, feeling miserable and misunderstood and unheard, and becoming resentful. Thanks to counselling I'm working on being more open when I *am* upset about something, or I disagree about something; but it takes a lot of energy, and, knowing it will pretty much *inevitably* lead to a verbal attack no matter how carefully I phrase things, I still too often find myself just suppressing my own wants and needs because I don't have the energy and it won't make a difference anyways. But I'm trying to remember that even if I don't push it, at least if I speak up I'm letting him know that I *do* disagree/am upset, and he doesn't just automatically assume that I am a-okay. And that that in itself is probably worth something longterm, even if it does still result in an argument, and my needs still aren't met. He can't change if he doesn't know anything is wrong.
So what I would recommend, from the point of view of a pleaser, is telling him that if anything is bothering him, or he's upset about something, or disagrees with you about something, that you *want* to know about it. You may not agree; but then, he may change your mind, and regardless, *you want his input.* Even if he thinks it's silly, or trivial, or not worth bothering you about, you still care for him deeply, and you *want* to know all those silly, trivial thoughts. Because they're fundamental to *who he is,* actually, not just the face he presents to the world. Because you do *like* who he really is, and you want to connect with the real him. And he doesn't need to worry that any disagreements the two of you may have will cause you to stop *respecting,* or caring about him.
And then, when he does open up, try to pay attention to what he's trying to tell you, recognizing that it may be difficult for him to express himself (let alone succinctly). Be patient, and understanding, and try very hard to *not* be impatient, or dismissive, or angry (which are the reactions I most often have issues with myself)
And please do try to recognize that things that may not be a priority for *you* may still be a priority for *him,* and vice versa. Try to be kind, to not dismiss things that don't matter to you, just *because* they don't matter to you, and to recognize that if it matters to *him,* it's worth taking into consideration. And try to remember that if you have something that matters to *you,* that *doesn't* matter to him, this is not a rejection of *you.*
TL;DR: Try to be open to hearing his thoughts without assumptions, judgment, or dismissing them, and assure him that you *want* to hear him. And leave space for him to do so, and to feel safe in your reactions to them. :)
I mostly identify with the pleaser love style, although my parents weren't overly critical. I believe it is because, as a child I had a "friend" who was really critical and ended up bullying me. She was the reason I started trying to avoid every possible conflict and probably the reason I developed such an introverted personality.
I’m exactly the same! I became such a pleaser that I gave my stuff to people that used me in school, and that was just messed up.. Because of that I lost many important materials that I needed for school.
I never realized how critical my mother was until I heard her criticize my child. I’m definitely a pleaser.
That’s sad, I’m not an adult or a parent, but I know what it’s like 😞
@@parabellum1002 that is lovely 😊 thank you so much and good luck!! You sound like an amazing parent
Oh that's kinda scary what if I with my child with me experience whatever it is that made me feel this way. Bluuuurh I vomit and my child laughs and u know hhm we would laugh it off but we would both have to heal some
That why i am determined parents can be their children's biggest enemy.
I think so too, maybe a combo but mostly a pleaser with people, I do my best to say no or be honest nowadays as I'm an adult now but growing up I was definitely a pleaser. I wonder how that goes as aging. I felt like I was a mix of some watching this cuz a lot happened to me growing up.
"The Pleaser"
*Proceeds to describe my entire life story and all of my friendships*
dud same
same
To meet someone else who has suffered the same makes me feel less alone..55yrs and my life's been a giant mess with everyone.
Same
Exactly
are there any love styles where parents actually took good care of their kids lol
Something similar to this is attachment styles. They're basically the same thing. Parents who raised their children in good style will grow up to have a secure attachment style.
@Astro gaming it's cause of that damn phone
@Astro gaming I feel you; my grandma is extremely old-fashioned so she isn't tech savvy at all; old people, man.
Self love
No. We‘ll all make a mistake here and there. Especially when we had selfish parents.
Yup. I relate to all of these. I am in a committed relationship and we have been to therapy. By far the most important thing we got out of it was that we have agreed to both try and state our feelings to each other when something isn't going well, instead of just reacting. I did not feel safe doing this until we had talked about it a lot because I did not feel like it was OK to share my feelings. Similarly my partner was also uncomfortable until we talked about it because he is used to keeping things bottled up. We still each have our issues but now we can talk about it and try to understand what's going on, as well as support each other in our challenges.
I am so happy for you.
Me to
Thank you for your reply. I also relate to all of these. I was like oh my goodness. How is that so so thank you for letting me know. I'm not alone. I wish you healing
@@elevarmax9260 me too bro, stay strong
When I realized none of these applied to me, it made me realize how lucky I am to have the parents that I do. When I was in my teens, my mom and dad always joked that our family was odd compared to everyone else. I don't think I understood how right they were. It's my goal in life to be that good of a parent to my kids.
🤝
Can’t relate
Eh- Okay? Lucky you I guess...
I really dont know why people getting kind of rude about these comments. For me I can relate to atleast two types on this video and I see many who can too.
To read that there are actually people in the comments with a loving family is really nice. Cause honestly I know so many messed up people I didnt think that a bright side exists. That normal, loving, caring families are just in books and films.
So thanks for sharing! Even more for watching these videos, taking them seriously and being thankful for what they had/have in life.
I envy u
When you realize, at the end of the video, that you are equipped with a piece from every love style mentioned...😳
We are "The Universal" it's a gift and a curse
All for me except one
Exactly bruh
I felt that! All expect like 2 of them
Same. I had a little bit of each.
My parents were very loving, but
I want to please people
I'm no victim, but I want to be NOT noticed more than anything. Extremely low self esteem, but versatile to every situation.
I often like to solve things on my own (but I don't get angry at them, visibly)
I idealized a lot with whoever gives me little affection😅, am sensitive, and extremely perceptive
I get uncomfortable when people go emotional on me(don't know how the hell to calm them down).
I just realized that I’m a pleaser... My parents are over protective and angry, I say sorry too much, and i break down when I feel I’m a mistake to someone... 😔
I am the exact same
Idem for me... 😔
I feel like that too..
My parents are the opposite: under protective. But I know how you feel
i would say i relate most to the victim, I’ve never had abusive or alcoholic people in my life, but the pleasers parents are close to mine. 😔
I am definitely a pleaser, but not because of my parents. My childhood best friends had negative reactions to things that I had said/done, which led me into avoiding conflicts and not being open and honest with the people I’m friends with now. I can definitely relate to the point about being able to read others moods to keep everyone happy, as well as the point where we give in and apologise quickly. Honestly, it’s gotten to the point where my friends have said that I need to stop apologising. Going forward, I’m definitely going to try and express my emotions more and take my emotions into account, instead of bottling them up and thinking that they aren’t as important as my friend’s’ happiness
I’m only 2 minutes in and I feel extremely called out.
Same lol
Ahhh same 😩
m e
I feel like everyone is a mix of all, but to varying degrees.
Totally!
Facts
Agreed.
I don't identify with any of them
Not really I just relate to the the please and the avoider
that awkward moment when you're a little bit of all of them.....
lol its true tho
Same 🙋♀️
Comment I was looking for
Same 😂
I have all of them :(
As the eldest among my siblings, I'm glad that I was able to watch this video, I've realized that I was a pleaser in my childhood. I can't avoid, but to read the emotions of the people around me, I feel discomfort when I realize they are not happy being with me. This explains why I like to serve the people I love. This video would not only help me, but also help my younger siblings. I would guide them not to experience this types of love style in their childhood.
I love the tiny plant on the head it's so adorable
Chikorita
I thought that was a hat with that spinning thing on it
its true, i still have the plant on my head.
So glad you loved the little details! :D
It takes a fertilizer to grow a plant efficiently, doesn't it?
fertilizer aka manure aka shit aka feces
When I was younger, i used to say sorry alot. Even when the person said its fine, I would still say sorry.
I still do that.ireally hate myself but i tell myself its ok
Hahaha that is me 🤣🤣🤣
Samee 🙏🏼
Same!
Hmm same;
learning how my mom’s own childhood trauma turned her into a controller which turned me into a pleaser. hoping everyone is getting the mental help they need 💛
same with me but my dad is the controller
I've been turned into a vacillator with bits of controller :(
@@meghas5124 oof :(
me too! :(
This is exactly what happened to me
Its crazy to me how I felt identify with all of them but yet proud & happy enough that I've broken those cycles and decided to be a betterpartner everyday
I decided to uncondintion myself from what I've been thought love should be for me. Its hard, because I'm still working on many more factors that aren't mentioned in this video. Thank you for this beautiful insight!
I would rather have no children then have them go through the same pain that I went through
Same mindset dude... i knew alot about life... life is so hard. And then i think i shouldn't have a children
See how beautiful is you finding knowledge to get through theses hard feelings, how much bravery you have, so see that if you have a little child you’ll pass this beautiful and lovely will power and bravery form him/her. That’s a lot of bad things but are theses things that makes us more into evolution and movement
saaammmeeee like id rather not have someone i gave birth to have to suffer without me knowing that im making them suffer... i love my parents but they hurt me in ways that i cannot believe i will ever forget... and the bad thing is... they dont think its wrong cause thats how they were raised... and now that i am raised this way. id rather not risk hurting someone im supposed to give the world to .you are the first person ive met that thinks the same
Same here.
same hereeee
20 seconds into pleaser and I'm feeling personally attacked 😂
Yo same
Same! 😂
Yeah that's my love style the pleaser
Same! My love style is pleaser!
Same
This vid should be called “your defense mechanism style.”
I spit poison from my eyes for up to 6 feet when in danger
Gun
@@_Beta- *Pumped Up Kicks Starts Playing*
@@Iucebowel a hostage situation is still technically a relationship
@@_Beta- Stockholm syndrome much?
I relate to the vacillitator in my early teen, the controller in my school days, and the avoider in general. It could be because I'm both a third and last child so that's just how I was raised, but it could also show my environment growing up affected me. Thanks for the great vid! It gave me some thoughts :)
When I do something wrong my mom always brings up her childhood like "you know when I was a kid we didint have these" or "in my childhood we never talked back we just listen" and I'm like it's not a competition I need help and not your problems that you felt with as a child
mina lor yeah my mom and dad are exactly like that.😂😂😂🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
In fact...my brothers are like that to 😂😂 they are actually claim I’m a spoiled person and I get whatever I want whenever I want (which isn’t true 😂😂🤦♂️🤦♂️) so they are jealous and keep saying, “when we were your age we never got phones, a computer OR a dog! HMPH!” 😂😂😂
Maybe but they re not super humans, they only have their own experience to offer
I know right. Then they say they have more knowledge, that theyre the parent. Ha sure, yet i go therapy and you still dont realize your doing anything wrong, despite my efforts to bring it up.
Haha my mom do the same lol
every parent I know does that
The End: which love style are you?
Me: well... Im a mix of all
That's what I was thinking actually. At first it was the pleaser but than saw my self in the others too
Same
same, don't know how good/bad that is tho, doesn't feel quite right
Im mix of
The pleaser(mostly)
The avoider (alittle)
The victim(some)
The controller(some)
Im Actually The Victim One..Welp..It Never Ends
I used to be a pleaser but I am slowly changing out of it. Saying no is a very important skill to learn
What strategies are you practicing to break the loop?
Same here
I wish I could do the same..
@@dosujiame9591 Hey, don't give up on hope! I'm sure you can. It's a slow process, but you can do it. I believe in you.
I started crying when I saw myself in the Avoider, I relate to everything on this category, It's not because my mother is a bad mother, but my father wasn't present in my live at all and because of that my mother had to work a lot, so I grew up in my nannies houses away from my mother and father, away from my family. So today I don't like to be or see people get emotional, or to be touched.
I like to be alone all the time, it's just in these moments I feel actually calm, when I'm on my own, just how I was my entire life.
Because of that I destroyed a good relationship with a wonderful person, and I blame myself until today.
I'm a Pleaser. I want everybody around me to be happy and oftentimes forget about my own happiness.
Same. One of the first steps for me is to learn how to say no. I still didn't fully learn it tbh.
Look, do what YOU want and let other people to do what THEY want...
Same. Though, i’m only a pleaser to my friends. When I don’t like them I don’t care if they leave. But if I do, It’s basically the opposite of wanting them gone.
Don’t do it anymore. I’m 39 and are miserable. You need to do you!!! 😞
No be happy for me Plz ;~;
The pleaser made me cry 😢, I seen a part of myself 😭🌟✨
Ikr
Same
I feel bad from you 🥺
I'm the pleaser
I hate my old brother
I’ve always been a pleaser, but now I am starting to set boundaries. Took me 24 years to realize I can’t be liked by everyone. I feel more confident and happy with my true self. It was very painful trying to be okay with everyone, just to avoid conflict and be disliked. You don’t have an identity when you try to please everyone 😢.
I am SO happy for you !!
Anony Mouse thank you ☺️ I hope you’re doing okay.
I found that out just recently that I've always been a pleaser. Setting boundaries have gotten better for me. But I have been finding it hard to set them with people I could potentially get into a relationship with. I feel like I've started a journey of self development and this is just the beginning.
grayce domeier I started out bad but it’s normal behavior for repressing what I felt for many years. I just let out my anger and started showing it to everyone I disagreed with...my family. They just keep telling me to be the sweet girl I was before, basically telling me I shouldn’t defend my point of view. After many arguments, Now I just calmly say my opinion on things and say what makes me happy. That I am an adult and need to set boundaries just like everyone else. The most important thing is that when you say what you want or say your opinion, and they tell you you were never like that, say “Back then I didn’t have an identity just because I tried to please everyone. This is who I really am and I hope you respect that just like I did with everyone else”. This has worked for me. I feel so free now and I hope you feel the same soon 💕.
Wow really happy for you. I tried to change but there's always that part of fear and disappointment I try to avoid. I do get angry at myself mostly for that but at this point maybe its just who I have become now. Maybe I'll have a breakdown over it one day I hope I don't and let myself be free from this chain. Take care. Keep doing what's best for you. ^.^
THIS has got to be one of your best videos yet!!! The graphics are spot on, the narration lovely as always. VERY INFORMATIVE AND INTERESTING.
I want to be a psychologist and I'll help kids. This is my ONLY dream. I hope I can realize.
Go for it! What's stopping you?
Yaparsın kardeş 🖐️
All the best!
@@Alyssa_aria pfp
Don't "hope"....DO!! I didn't earn my nursing degree until I was 36.....it is always possible!
I have traits of the pleaser, vacillator and avoider all at the same time.
Two words: 'Asian parents'.
純ジュン *sigh* me too.. bro... me too
I feel you
I have the same traits as you, except I also have the trait of The Victim. Asian Parents help us school-wise, but not mentally or emotionally.
@@kittenmeow1592 A wild Pachirisu Appeared!!
I feel ya. Same here bruh.
Good afternoon everyone, I just wanted to state that I feel personally attacked.
Me too😭if you want to, we can press charges together.
😂😂😂😂
@@nich9356 🤣🤣🤣🤣
@@behindart2785 👍🥰
@@snowyhappiness5 🤣🤣🤣
Don’t forget that people are complicated, and almost all people have a combination of each of these areas, with unique issues and personalities
*1. Pleaser:* over protective parents, avoids conflict, tries to please everyone, flees from relationships when they feel like they can't do well
*2. Victim:* chaotic home, find respite in imaginary world, low esteem, uncomfortable when there's calmness, tend to marry abusers
Controller: need to be in control always to protect themselves, use anger as a weapon, rigid tendencies, dont like to step out of their comfort zone, do everything on own
*4.Vacillator:* inconsistent parental affection, fear of abandonment, idealise new relationships, feel misunderstood, sensitive and perceptive,
*5. Avoider:* learn to take care of themselves at a young age, little to no comfort from parents, need space, rely on logic, should open up more
you forgot to write 3. 😂😂😂
Is 3 controller? Yes I just heard it.
Happy Poop no he didnt actually. Look better
What if you’ve gone through all of that on the regular ? ...Asking for a friend, Lol😂
Im 4 and 3
"Number 1: The Pleaser..."
*Well shoot*
Right in the feelz...
@flayre on insta same dude, at least it’s not as bad as the others though
Same
When u realise you’re more then one of these....
Like 4 of them
Then what do we do?
I know.....
Im all
Right...stupid video
With all of my respect to this channel and the help that it brought me, i strive to raise my children in a way that they'll never have to find out about this video
The pleaser has definitely been the most relatable one to me yet. I’d rather not talk about my personal stuff, but I try so hard to make other people feel good about themselves because I never felt good about myself.
I don’t want people to experience things negatively like how I did. I don’t think people deserve bad treatment.
I wish I could continuously keep liking your comment.. so true n completely relatable💜 please take care of yourself
Guys I was a pleaser but honestly it’s not the best path firstly care about yourself then the others promise?😁
I try to change but i really can't get rid of being the whole pleaser trait stuff. It's getting worse to the point where i make problems for myself even though i already have alot 😑
That is the is exactly how I lived most my life, I’ve tried to recover from my childhood but it’s but it’s tough when ur trying to avoid all conflict because u don’t wanna deal being bullied again
Same, I‘m in a 2 year relationship and I often feel like I‘m losing more and more of myself. I just realized I never had an honest discussion with my gf that didn‘t end with me giving in or apologizing just to get it over with….
I identify accurately with the “pleaser”. I’m 20 now and this most definitely continued into my friendships. The worst part is, my parents are pretty chill now but it definitely affected how they raised me throughout my childhood. So when people meet my parents, they say things like “your parents are super chill!!! Why are you always anxious and scared to break even tony rules then?”
The thing is, your friends will never see your parents the same way you see them, as your parents likely act quite different in front of them than in front of you and also your friends haven‘t been there for your upbringing so there‘s no way they can really know anyways. It‘s really not that hard to seem like a nice person towards someone you barely know and talk to on an irregular basis.
@@dunK1x That’s true. And honestly I chose to conceal this from people I felt wouldn’t understand. The 3 people I did share my past with, they understood for the most part.
You are not alone...
i find this too, my mum has grown as a person, no longer in that highly stressful and damaging relationship she was when i was younger but that was still my childhood. shes chill now, and even says to me when i am with my kids and i mimic how she was ( reflex actions for me ) she'll say, " i wasnt that bad?!" i feel i have healed myself in many ways but i struggle with parenting my own children trying to not repeat the same mistakes
I can totally relate to this I'm 20 too ha!
*1. The Pleaser*
*2. The Victim*
*3. The Controller*
*4. The Vacillator*
*5. The Avoider*
WTF? Not a single one of these were and example of a loving and nurturing childhood. And I know there are plenty of us out there as well.
@@ExperienceEric it's good you got that
@@ExperienceEric good for you! You probably don't need a psychological assessment of your relationship style then
Idk what I am ?
1 for me
The vacillator/controller. That is exactly how I grew up. Glad I’m learning more about this so I can fix it. Thanks for the video.
The vacillated text bubble “why have you been avoiding me” hit like a train
Nvm realized I’m avoiding people and I’m not changing for anything less than a hug
ua-cam.com/video/vNJnOfyhweo/v-deo.html
Same ❤️
Ya I'm definitely a vacillator
same
I kinda hate the fact that my parents made me this insecure, needy, ... what bothers me the most is that they don't even realise it. I think i belong mostly in the pleaser but i can relate to all roles
What's even worse is that so many ppl are in the same situation...
@Danijel Mornarić thanks bro
I couldn't agree more. My advise is to forgive them for everything they ever done to you even if they can't realise the damage they have caused. I know it's super hard. But forgiving them, will help you let go of the past and look for the future. BUT forgiving doesn't mean that you should expect anything from your parents and in my opinion never go back to them as live with them etc. Much love ❤❤
DutchShitMusic
Same, sometimes it’s hard....I find It very hard.
But we need to stay strong and brave and help others.
I have had a lot of trouble in the past but, I got through it. You can too just stay safe and brave!💗
yeah me too
i relate to a big portion of each, like its scary wow..
same!
Same..
Yep, same here, unfortunately
Bucket
Eating and playing
I am definitely a mixture of the pleaser and the victim… It mainly stems from having a very angry and emotionally unstable father which made the home very chaotic and also for being bullied throughout all my school years, but I’ve come along way and had some healing but still have a ways to go
*when you’re “the avoider” because receiving affection makes you extremely uncomfortable and you don’t know how to deal with others emotions*
huh. 🙃
Bruh, I think this is the most relatable thing in this comment section.
ye
*When you are Shinji*
Too relatable 😔
Jeje your Snufkin pfp says a lot
I'm a Pleaser/Victim mix--my family is very strict so I always try to please them. The situation usually upsets me, so I'll just imagine a "better version" in my head. I end up believing that everything will work out or be okay like the dream version, but it'll eventually turn out to be so bad that I'll just snap and flee.
Victim/pleaser except my parents are perfect and I just overthink things
Me too, but that's because my parents fight sometimes, and when they fight, I meant, they fight. I had to call the police just a week ago because of this. While they throw stuff at each others or me, I have to be calm and give them pats on the back like a kindergarten teacher treating angry children. They act so immature when they are mad that it's depressingly funny.
But I don't like to please people all the time though, I am a person with standards and I am not going to let anyone, even my parents push me around like a little puppet. Only I can push myself around
That sad moment where 3/5 apply to me...
Yeetus Yeetus, Childhood Deletus
5/5 apply to me
Same for me
same.
I too feel like all 5 apply
Same
for anyone who feels like reading, this message is for you.
this video has been sitting on my favorites for 4 to 5 years already, I watched this when I identified as a "pleaser" type, I was one hundred percent the pleaser type, I just watched it again by chance and got reminded of how I used to be.
nowadays, I overcame many things in life and can say I've been healthy for a couple times and turn unhealthy occasionally. if that's how a normal life feels like, then it's how I'm living. when you're healthy, you start to identify yourself with a bit of every one of these types said in the video, but not relate yourself 100% to any of them. being healthy is about having a balance in life.
we all go through struggles, no matter how strong of person you think you are, when you lose a parent you love or someone as close to you, you're going to feel it and when you do, it might impact on your lifestyle. it is possible to go back to the same issues you used to have before.
balance is starting to go back and then stop yourself, getting yourself back to the right path not to rush towards something or do anything extreme.
I have a bit of a "the controller" type on me because now I stand up for myself. I have my own opinions and can gather enough courage to expose them to people who might not think the same. this is how people get into fights btw, because someone opposes to your way of thinking and then either you or the other start the fight to prove who's right.
it's wise to know when someone isn't agreeing with you, that you should stop talking and change subjects instead of trying to prove a point.
learning self-love is very important and is the main key, really, to solve most of your issues. I'm not saying to be an ignorant and neglect your issues, no, if you have issues unsolved, you should seek to solve them, but most important thing is to accept we have issues and fears and insecurities but if you love yourself, is proud of being idk, a moral person or of an achievement you had, or if you have fun doing the hobbies you do, most of the issues go away. the low self-esteem specially go away.
most people think about looks, and I understand that, that's the hardest thing to change your opinions about but I'm just going to say here, the average look exist and most people are average, so, no, there's a huuuge chance you don't look bad, but average. and if you work on yourself a bit more, you can improve it.
dressing up nice, putting on makeup if you're a girl, or guy, why not, in korea they do it often, and changing the way you cut your hair, looking up on the internet for a look that might suit you, and there you go. get some opinions from trusted people too if it helps.
just found my entire personality is a trauma response
Pffftt lol same tho
Lmao same
XD lol felt that
Lmao me toooo
Yup
My mom has a huge habit of gaslighting and she's always so close-minded. She and my dad have a horrible dynamic and they get into arguments all the time over tiny, insignificant things. As I grow older, I worry more and more that I'll subconsciously pick up on my mom's behavior, and that any future relationships that I have will mirror that of my parents'.
I feel for anyone going through the same thing. You're not alone, and *you're not the problem.*
I can relate to tht ig
I struggle with the same exact thing. Sometimes when my parents argue, my mother starts to pack up her things, even if she never really leaves. I'm afraid of getting into a unhappy marriage and tend to overthink and being overcritic to my partner in fear of making the same mistakes my mother did. How do you cope with it?
I didn't get much help, either. I had to figure it out on my own.
@@alicegentili7345 Honestly, I don't. I usually just push those thoughts into the back of my brain and distract myself with tv or something ://
Sorry I couldn't be of more help :
I feel it too. Sometimes, I been reflecting it on days after she gets mad at me alot. I hate hurting my partner. I'll be moving away in a month, but my parents have been trying to find any reason to make me stay here another year or more.
Well I didn’t think I would be attacked in the first two minutes of this video but here we are
How were you "attacked" ?
Hahahahhaa
I feel very attacked right now!!
Team HACKS It’s just a saying. If something hits really close to home or you feel REALLY describes you, you can say you feel attacked. Issa joke
Jacob yt 😂 touché my friend
I'm a terrible combination of the pleaser(always puts others before myself), victim(remains quiet and goes with the flow) and avoider(keeps my emotions bottled up and when I do get angry I want to be alone so I don't take it out on others) :(
Same
Same
my mom: *cries*
me, apparently a pleaser: mom dont cry im sure everything will work out you have me and my brother dont worry
me: *cries*
my mom: what are you crying for!? you want a real reason to cry!?!
i mean, i dont want to play a victim or something, i know that my mom doesnt have an easy life and i shouldnt complain, but it really makes me sad when she reacts this way
You're right. We people should understand that no matter what age we are, we have our special problems.
you are not playing victim. Your feelings are valid and you should tell your mom that she needs to respect them
That's a horrible thing for a parent to say to a child.
You're attitude and understanding about that is very... Pleasing! ...
Please never change . You are very sweet . You should not have to deal with that . Maybe write yoir mom.a nice letter on how that makes you feel. Or , talk to a good friend. I love my parent certain but I was never allowed to cry .. it would be o we very upsetting issues too like death.... very bizzare how people act this way . We MUST not become them . Continue to be loving and sweet or else the cycle will continue
Sounds just like my mom! 😨😰
Oh God. I realized I'm such a pleaser. My mum is an angel but she was a single mother, sometimes under a lot of stress so I was always trying to be a very good girl, help at home, take care of my little sister and never be problematic. Now It's very difficult for me to say no and I lie just to avoid conflict. I'm working on that by the way. Thanks for the video, really useful.
You sound like you have a wonderfully compassionate soul.
Same here :(
I am pleaser as Well, I try to please a lot of people.at the same.time and I tend to lie a lot and postpone telling the truth until it is unbeareable. Even if it is something stupid or.small. My parents were over.protective when I was little.
@@Ek70R I feel you, i do the same and a i hate it. A friend once said to me "what is the worst thing that could happen if you tell the truth and someone get hurt or don't like it? is that person going to kill you or die? No, so don't be so afraid" Since then i try to live under those words haha sometimes really helps :)
i am a mix of the first 2
I am definitely the vacillator, I overwhelm myself with negative thoughts that my partner doesnt want me anymore because of the smallest change in their response or behaviour. I immediately want to run away, build a wall to never let anyone disappoint me again. I idealise a new romantic interest so much that i become consumed by the fantasy version of them, that when they act out of character I assume the worst in them and end things immediately, instead of accepting that they are just human
Yes
@@JAY-U. this is so me
Feel that
same, and I literally could not have described it better.
I’m feeling this way towards someone I haven’t even tried dating. Small steps i suppose
i’m the vacillator a little bit. but i grew up with love and protection so i had a hard time coming up for myself and being alone but i’m still really grateful for the way i grew up!!
Who else feel that they are little of everything?
I do
I'm a lot of most of what they described, and my mother was almost all of these things in one way or another, and not just sometimes.
Me :(
Same
Like all The worst part of everything, and that was mi safteynet..
“The worse thing a parent can do is forget there childhood”
-mr. Rogers
Not to be that person but it's been drilled into my head by my mom..
Its their*
that's a good reminder
I dont get this
@@hwlsgrl basically they’re saying that parents need to remember all the good and bad things that happen to them as a child and try to use that to make the best experience possible for their kids
@@kaylabrooks5705 Ohh okay
I'm definitely a "pleaser" and "avoider". I often try to please anyone and I seriously dislike conflicts (unless is truly necessary for me that the conflict is solved). I also don’t feel like expressing my feelings so "openly" to anyone so I try to keep them for myself. I remember I told something to my mom once and I couldn’t hold anymore, I started crying.
Oh, hey! Are you me?
Same.. I either stay away from problems or try to solve them quickly, I can't stand fights, Unless they have a good reason, but even still I tend to stay FAR away from problems.
+1
definitely this, the last bit about crying out of nowhere even when the thing you’re talking about isn’t remotely sad but has held emotional weight over you for a long time without you noticing is so accurate. and then i feel bad about ruining the mood or conversation so i tell everyone to disregard it because “i’m not actually sad”
I am also like this, and you are not alone. I remember telling my mother I wanted to kill myself and I still do because of her reaction. She yelled at me for trying to get attention instead of getting me help. Like me, you'll have to learn how to end toxic relationships with toxic family members. I hope your mental health is better than when you where a child and I hope you know that there are always people who love and care about you, even if it's not who you expect it to be.
The pleaser, no doubt 💔😭
When I have children, I`m gonna make sure to give them all the affection, comfort and patience they`ll need and so much more💞 Plus given I have ADHD. Thank you so much for this.
These drawings are too cute to put them in those situations, man. So sad.
Everyone's cute as a child
@@moritzbutz6045 fuk
you mean uglier drawings should be suffering those....cruel world.
I was definitely the pleaser. Damaged myself for everyone I’ve cared about.
youre not alone 😞
Same. I relate to the pleaser and the victim, and it sucks. Even when I find healthy people to be around, I am the one who turns the relationship unhealthy by offering more than I can give and failing to communicate my dislikes. Being around other people for me is actually exhausting, painful, and lonely.
same :(
same
Same
WOAH! That description of the avoider is freaking spot on for me. Although, my parents are more attentive than you described. I have to make my own food usually. I deal with problems on my own, and tend to get stressed/very uncomfortable when other people get overly emotional because I myself am detached and logical towards situations.
Glad to see it connected. Any thing you would like to change or follow up video you would like to see us do?
Psych2Go It’s not really a follow up, or something to change, but I would like to see you guys do a video on Selective Mutism. (Which is something I have).
Psych2Go oh, you could also follow up on how more non-abusive types. (Either on this topic of something else). I think it helps to compare and contrast how different upbringings can change their future self.
Yea me too, only thing is that my Mom enjoys cooking so at least I don't have to worry about dinner
You are not alone ^_^
I resonated a lot with the Vascillator and the controller the most but honestly I feel like I related to them all. Idk if that’s good or bad haha but yea 😂😢
Me too, glad I’m not the only one who feels like they have every one. I mean sorry that you feel that way I’m not glad that happened but its cool that I’m not the only one
@@hamsterstyle6152 Thank you honey. You are NOT alone and I’m sending lots of love and light your way. You ARE loved and wanted don’t ever forget that ! 💖💖💖
I'm getting the feeling there can be hybrids and combinations of all of these
Yeah
Feels like I’m a weird mix of all of them and that’s confusing.
Update on this:
You guys shouldn't be confused. I learned that from the people who responded. People can't be labelled so easily, and as such find it confusing when they are. We're all different and special and define ourselves. Thanks to everyone for being so responsive and helpful. Everyone out there, you're the best, and deserve nothing less for yourselves.
You're not alone...😅
Destiny Lee that’s always good to hear. There’s comfort in knowing that there are always people out there that are sharing the same experiences as ourselves, whatever that may be.
don't be confused, unfortunately the method of using archetypes to label people's style of affection is flawed and way too "one size fits all". you don't need to fit under a certain label. :)
@@feltcap you're right. Thanks 😊
Same. Literally everything that they said about what childhood they have, it pretty much applied to me
So I can identify with all of these. I grew up in an angry, neglectful household full of violence and addiction. Looking at all of these as something I have been trying to deal with has been overwhelming and leaving an overall feeling of hopelessness. So, for those of us like me, how do we ever feel like there is a happy ending or at least something worthwhile to work towards?
I feel the same
I identify with all but not same backstory. Its more bc of other kids and not parents.
Same. My mom was bi-polar, but nobody talked about mental illness. It was shameful. So instead she drank to excess, smoked 4 packs of cigarettes a day, and popped pills like Valiums and Darvons. She was a Narcissist with extreme OCD, who was emotionally unavailable and verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. She was also a bully in every way imaginable. Then I married a domestic abuser and endured that for 12 years. I have a LOT to unpack.
@@carolynmariedimmick7884 sending love and light to you 🤗
Same just not the pleaser since my dad never rlly cared if I got in trouble or not :,)
I am definitely the victim. My parents were never abusive to me, but the atmosphere wasn't the best. I definitely relate to the staying quiet, anxiety, and making up worlds.
I'm sorry. I know a little bit of what you mean--my childhood atmosphere (especially in the summers) was eerily quiet and lacked a ton of parental and sibling support. To cope, I made up stories and imaginary friends to escape to.
Although, did you mean it was just tense and scary a lot of the time? Did I misinterpret you? I'm sorry!
@@cutecloverrunevalyn2573 You're fine. I grew up in a Christian home, so it was a safe environment. But there were family issues. My dad had been a counselor before he had kids, so it felt like he was always trying to fix us. Especially my sister. He was constantly lecturing her, sometimes for the most trivial things! I can't count the times I heard her crying behind closed doors as he just went on and on, trying to force her to agree with him. It hurt my heart. I know Dad was just trying to help prepare her for life, but he could have been gentler about it. Speaking our minds about stuff was considered rebellion if it differed from what my parents thought. It was stifling. Reading books and making up stories were some of the few things that kept me sane. Luckily things are better now.
Oof, sorry for all that. I don't really have anyone to talk to about these things.
@@cutecloverrunevalyn2573 I also relate to the eerily quiet. Loud noises weren't encouraged.
@@pop_rox_21 No, it's okay! I didn't have anyone to talk to for awhile either. I was lucky enough to get a therapist, though, and that has helped a lot.
I'm sorry your family was so stifling, even if they had food intentions. But I hope, their good intentions make it a little easier to forgive them? I don't know, I know it helps me.
I also grew up in a christian home, but I had lovely parents who just couldn't be there often. My mom had gained over the years all sorts of terrible long term mental and physical illnesses, and struggled so much she couldn't get out of bed most days. My dad had to work to provide for us, and he always worked very hard, but was also very tired at the end of the day, so I hated to bother him, especially about trivial things. My siblings and I grew up taking care of ourselves though, more or less. But we never talked about it, so I never felt like it was okay to voice my loneliness or frustrations with them. Because, when it all really, truly started, I was the youngest child, and very young, and had no one to turn to.
I used my imagination a ton to cope, and that helped, but, it wasn't the same.
@@pop_rox_21 Summers were the worst. My siblings left to hang out with friends or play video games on their own (they didn't want to be disturbed) but my friends couldn't hang out, for what felt like forever. They were always busy, and I cried because I felt I wasn't important to them, but I couldn't tell my family about it because it concerned them as well. I...used my imagination a ton for those summers, haha ... I'm so glad things are better with your family though!
Vacillator Gang, let's idealise the perfect relationship with someone you just met and have a mental breakdown when your expectations aren't met. who's down?
🖐
I am 😂
Is that mess already....now what should i do🤦🏻♂️
🙃🙃🙃me
Omg that was such a nice idea! You're so smart, let's get married???
I'd apply for all 5 too in some form. A lot of time has passed and i already reflected on many of these points, i found a couple more friends and met a girl but it's still a work in progress. Lately i found myself having emotions again, crying for the first time in over 10 years. I don't know why, but it was good. I'd say this recovery stuff started 4 years ago when i left high school and spent a full week with some mates. It was the first time i really felt accepted and didn't feel like i was acting, not constantly seeing myself doing the things that people expected.
Anyways, my point was, i think my problems also helped me. There are many people out there having issues that you only understand if you've been through it yourself.
Because i was different, i started seeing things differently than people around me. Because i kept for myself but still had to adapt to people, i observed everything from a distance, uninvolved and untouched by emotions and feelings, beacuse i suppressed them. I saw what made people angry, i saw what made them happy. I saw patterns in complex situations, triggers for behaviours. I did it with me and my own friendships as well, that is the hurting side. I started to understand many things others do not, because they were too involved. I am good at settling arguments, i'm neutral and i recognise the undelying feelings.
Because i experienced some problems in a very pronounced way, i could understand them clearly. I'm bad at reading emotions, especially towards me, but when i observe a discussion or argument, i know when and what to do to keep it from turning bad. I can know the reasons why people clog up and what they do and do not need in that situation. I don't feel confident about helping other people yet, but i can tell others how to approach it and show people where their problem lies. We all have problems in some way or another, we're human, but we often don't see our problems or misbehaviour, because it may be subtle, often multiple things coming together. I've been out of bounds, so i can show people when they run in circles or overshoot. Once you've been in the water, you can deal with rain all day.
So in the end, nothing we do is wasted. Being sad is hard work and learning, it's just not valued as much. Every one of the 5 problems is still an ability, it's just not useful in the context of your individual relation. While we may wrap our whole thinking, conciousness and life around a bad childhood, we're still compensating for something against our natural needs and that is a tough skill. It breaks a victim in the picture of a functioning society, but primarily it's a strong standing of our own belief. Problems make strong people. You used to always run away to avoid conflicts, now you're good at knowing when a conflict doesn't lead to anything. You used to always hunker down in a conflict, now you know when to stay cool. You used to always attack your attacker, now you can confidently show people when they overstep rules. You can also tell others when to bail, stay cool or protect them. The salt is what makes life tasty, as a fellow rider i once met in the street told me. With problems comes progress.
Overall i wouldn't those kind of problems are all worth the pain and time, especially because you often can't easily solve your own habits, otherwise you would already have. Talk to others but also work on it yourself. Finding out how to help yourself is the most powerful skill.
Realise what you like about yourself, keep it and build on that. It may take time, but nothing is lost, the longer you need, the more there will be :)
Definitely a pleaser. I'm struggling now with setting my boundaries and learning to say what I feel without always worrying if it's gonna upset someone.
It can get super stressful. It’s Wally exhausting. I’ve lived like this for 40 years. I only started becoming aware of my tendencies in the past year and a half. It frustrating and a relief at the same time.
The key is put ur self first pleasure book will help u. 😊
Me too and it's so hard. I always give so much of myself and in the end I get rejected or they just taking instead of giving back. It sucks.
Ugh, I understand this completely!
In a way it feels like walking on eggshells)):
Why do I relate with every style, but mostly being a pleaser
I'm definitely the pleaser, I'm constantly worrying that I'm not treating someone good enough, and worry that I did something wrong if they aren't talking to me, and tend to cry over it a lot, so I'm pretty sure I'm the pleaser.
i think my boyfriend fits the pleaser as he is always saying i deserve better than him ans always saying sorry and i feel really bad that he keeps apologising when he hasnt done anything wrong...is there anyway i can help him realise his worth more, asking you as you say you are a pleaser and might understand on a personal level that i dont x
I always feel like I’m the pleaser. I try my best to make everyone happy by: splitting up my time for my family and friends, helping people with their problems, comforting someone, owning up to all my mistakes and sometimes other people’s I find this terrible. I constantly feel like my whole life is being controlled by my emotions and my heart rather then my head. I’m very naive and I’ve been manipulated multiple times by family and friends. I’m trying to be less of a push over gl to everyone else
I’m a procrastinator pleaser. I’m always worrying bout how other people feel about our relationship, but i don’t do anything and then I get angry at myself even though it’s my fault that I’m not doing anything 😅
I cried while watching this, it's just that how many child like me are suffering from this kind of childhood. I wish the best for them. And for those who expirienced what a happy family is, please treasure it, don't let it go to waste, as having a happy family is the thing I will never experience. The think I wish I can have.
Sebastien Xhean you can have it in your future if you promise yourself to be the change you want to see. And then act on that change by constantly being aware of your behavior to make sure you’re not doing the things they have listed here as bad parenting. And doing things that are basically the opposite of everything the parents did in this video. And I’m sure that’d make for a good parent/family.
When you started describing the pleaser, i started to tear up because it was SO relatable
Me: I wonder if I’m in here
*first one comes*
Me: oh shit
Bro me
Ugh...
Same
For realllllll😩😁
@@syaondri nahh we all homies here
What is love? Baby don't hurt me. Don't hurt me no more.
Gwendall Grey lmaoo
🖕🏻
Yeetus feetus
@@miral9992 *sideways head bobs*
Someone give this guy an oscar
Am I the only one who watches these kind of videos for the purpose of understanding the way my characters feel in my stories? I feel like I can't relate to some of my characters and I don't know what they would do in certain situations. These psychology videos really help me understand how people who have had troubles I haven't feel.
It really does help out for me! And then I try to study more in-depth on how the way they'd think in different situations and what they'd feel and their reactions and why and such. It always helps me to understand my characters properly when I write them, even the more difficult ones! ^w^
KittyKake 44 You're not the only one. Also, check out Jenna Moreci on here. She gives great typos and advice.
KittyKake 44 fuck mate yes
KittyKake 44 i can’t explain how much i relate to this
I relate to this so much.
I'm a mix. My attachment style is a product of chaos, moving, a mentally ill parent who was supportive and loving in general but failed in creating a stable home life, getting me the right medical treatment and realizing that the 'ghosts' she saw were intense and frequent hallucinations from bipolar disorder that wasn't helped by her PTSD. She tried to show that she loves us but in many ways wasn't able to or capable of doing it the ways it was needed and wanted
Mine is also a product of other childhood experiences with other children and bullies. Of learning to not get attached to classmates, not make friends much and stay distant because often I would get hurt and that there wasn't much of a point anyway because we would just move again. (13 different elementary schools folks).
At a young age I learned to observe and analyze other people's behaviors for specific emotions and how they interacted socially. So I could be ready to duck out or prepare to mediate/soothe very quickly to reduce or avoid conflict.
I wasn't really able to stand up for myself until I was an adult aside from some very loud and direct outbursts and dressing downs. I still struggle with it in various ways. And it's primarily due to years of therapy and getting my own mental health under better control that I'm even functioning. At times I've even managed to thrive, grow, advance and move my life forward. But there's always an undercurrent of me just feeling like I'm barely treading water. (Health issues have not aided in the attempting to swim part ether)
I don't know how to handle things when they aren't chaotic, I've gotten better over the years. But when you're molded by chaos, you can't switch it off.
I push people away when they get too close and run away/react in some manner when they or the life I share with them becomes stable for 'too' long because it inherently scares me to lose them on someone else's terms or influence.
And I just realized that's what happened with a couple long term relationships. There were other factors involved in the demise of them, but until this comment I hadn't fully realized or pieced together this even with Therapy. Good thing I got back into it recently.
This is uncomfortable for me to admit, but I can relate to all of these in some way, due to some of my experiences that were parallel to as in the video.
I’m only sharing this here as comfort for anyone else here that it’s okay to have emotional issues, and that it’s okay to share with others. The first steps I took towards healing is letting some of my friends who noticed things like this in me become a strong support system I could trust.
Update:
Since some of you like to debate, let me clarify: I understand that not everything points to another instance for everyone. I know what I experienced myself, though, which was a lot of misunderstandings and unkindness in my family which almost destroyed my carefree attitude until I learned to heal, and I appreciate those of you who get the point of my words: care, and, as previously suggested, comfort and encouragement.
Psychology is not science. I have every single trait from all these "types". Don't you think humans are more complex than depictured in psychology?
Or maybe I'm just screwed.
U have friends??? Well lucky you 🙂
Same. 😕
self-love >>>>> friends
@@amansyan6319 I have none, my life is crap 🙂