Yeah, it's weird. After going through a really bad friendship, I find that I am no longer secure. I'm anxious about someone abandoning me. I realize now that's why I'm so resentful. I'm hurt.
“When they attack you, see that they are longing for love.” I work with autistic children and anytime one breaks down over something trivial and I ask if they want a hug, they collapse into my arms and bawl. It’s both heartbreaking and heartwarming to know they both trust me and know I see their frustration.
Katherine Mae Thank you for the work you are doing in our society, we need more people with great hearts and warm arms, THANK YOU !!!!! PS: make sure you get love and confort back because you can’t give what you don’t receive, I pray that you receive God’s love, he loved you first and he gave you the best when he sent his son Jesus Christ and if you believe and put your trust in what he did for you on the cross you will be saved, confess your a sinner in need of a saver believing in your heart and you will be saved.
Just so y’all know... you can change and become secure. I was avoidant until I was 21, after that I pushed through the fear and let someone in, got pretty hurt which reinforced the avoidant feelings. During that period (21 to 26 years old) I was a mix of avoidant and anxious. It was annoying af bc I wanted relationships badly and the intimacy that entails but at the same time “people are so stupid and errr”. Then I realized I was stupid in my own ways and went on a journey to know myself and that made me understand others better and be ok with them and myself. I feel secure now, 27. There will be pain in any relationship, but suffering is optional. To make a long story short, you’re not set in stone, go to therapy, do the work required and set yourself free.
Thanks for sharing. I'm currently on that journey of realizing my own stupidity and learning more about myself and others to the point of acceptance. I also yearn for intimacy in relationships lol. Just need to work on being secure.
@@kiteknit5505 It is in this conversations on the internet I find great wisdom and a wholesomeness that goes hand in hand with the journey of knowing oneself, thanks to all of you for sharing your stories.
But how does one set him/herself free? Half of the time those who have these struggles are the ones who don't even properly know who they themselves are, let alone know how to liberate themselves. Sometimes I really want to change and apply all the psychological theory in my life, but at the same time, isn't the truth 'Just be yourself' not the more pressing one? Won't endless self-reflection drag us down into a spiral of confusion and (ironically) anxiousness?... It is such a difficult process, to which I don't know how to properly manage.
@@user-eo9to7wd2t none at all. I've been on the receiving end and it fucked me up for well over 12 months. I got zero empathy either. So no. You're correct. I'm not empathetic to this. Just stop that shit. No excuse
@@Paul-tq3tn We can’t just stop. It comes from years of childhood trauma. I am working on it, but I would never blame somebody for something that they can’t control. I never asked to be this way and I wish I didn’t have to deal with this. Avoidants want closeness too
@@user-eo9to7wd2t well as long as you think it's ok to go ahead and make others unhappy with you're "stuff" that you just can't seem to fix.......then stay the hell away from people who are out there trying to find and establish loving healthy relationships. Fix yourself first. Otherwise you are simply causing innocent unsuspecting people misery. Just don't!!!!
Well, yes... but that doesn’t mean we won’t get hurt by people we love and appreciate when they would do/say something that can broke us. My point is that yes, we might be secure, but we also can get hurt very deeply, just like everyone.
I swear... same thing is happening to me. I’ll have a fight with my boyfriend next thing i see a notification from this channel about how to argument with your SO
That's because UA-cam, which is owned by Google, suggests videos that are relevant to whatever you've typed on your phone or through social. That's how everything works nowadays, through targeted content and advertisement. Google hamburgers for the next few days and see how many videos on fast food you'll wind up having suggested to you. The internet isn't psychic, it's just a very good spy. 😉
Avoidant here . Expert in the art of crushing and one sided love and running away immediately when someone even thinks about loving or getting close to me
The options B and C has been interchanged after the first introduction. The square was said as option B and triangle as option C. Got me so confused. 😣
Saw this and was really hoping there would be an explanation for it. As educational as this video is, I find it mute and unrelatable if I cannot distinguish if I am either B or C. I do not understand why it was done out of order by both flipping the order from left to right into right to left, as well as jumping the middle. I'm a fan of the series, but this is a wrench in the gears as far as my processing of the information given. If this could be clarified, despite the age of the video, it would aid me in properly distinguishing the information being presented.
It's obviously lovely to have the secure style but all three styles have advantages. E.g. anxiously attatched people are better at reading emotions on facial expressions (but do need to slow down and wait, double check, because they tend to be pessimistic about those emotions and where it's ambiguous will assume the worst.
@@Rabbitthat Definitely these three styles come with their particular strength. There is another way of looking at the experience of watching this video. Let's first suppose that this video has some scientific truth value. I aim to answer the three questions: 1) Can we strictly distinguish three attachment styles? 2) How strongly do we feel the need to answer the question in the title seriously? 3) To what degree is this video practical? I will focus on the ambiguous usages of geometrical shapes( the circle, triangle and square). I argue that this video is based on symbolic language or cultural imagery so it can appeal to our emotions, in order to teach us theories more effectively. This video introduces attachment theories and invites us to identify ourselves. We see three models of the self in the animated world and only the secure type is favoured by the narrator from the perspective of psychologists. We learn that each self seems to be quite distinct from the other and most of us experience insecure relationship. This video serves as a small clinical practice for us to reflect on our personal development. At the level of introduction, I think the narration works well to awaken our seeming damaged inner selves, for it tells small stories about problematic relationships everyone may experience in everyday life. It invokes emotional responses and even self-critiques. I believe that the success of this video relies on its visualisation of characters whose shapes and colours are easily sensed without promises of scientific truth of ourselves. The primary meanings of ourselves are matched to three geometric shapes -circle, triangle and square, among which the anxious type and the avoidant type actually use the same symbols interchangeably. The circle pictures a secure self who can have a positive relationship and a good balance between the self and others. Commonly, circles represent wholeness and in many cultures, a circle stands for perfection in unity. As we can see(00:39), the circle gets along well with other shapes and it joins them for harmony. This act leads to more happiness, as they all smile. This is the ideal type of relationship. It assumes that the circle is the most stable and worthwhile symbol. Therefore, the secure type is the standard model of the self. When it comes to the other two types, their differences are made clear strategically based on shared traditions. Firstly, the triangle refers to the anxious partner. By definition, the anxious is fearful of abandonment and wants to be in close proximity to others. In Chinese culture, the sharp points of the triangle can signal aggressiveness. A triangle causes troubles, for it is too rough and it doesn’t know how to mingle with someone else by nature. It typically wants to approach and attack. By contrast, the square represents solidity. The avoidant self needs to create interpersonal distance and are less open. In Native American religion, the square means a safe and permanent place. The critique of the avoidant model is that it is over static and isolated, as square can land firmly on the ground by itself. The geometric symbols are plausible, until the appearance of the scientist, named John Bowlby(2:00). A clear cut between three attachment styles is impossible and the classification is ambiguous. A strange switch happens: the shape of the anxious-attached individual is a square, while the avoidant-attached partner is triangular. This seems to be irrelevant to the narration, which continues to establish solid boundaries between these characters. Nonetheless, this looks like a chance for me to walk away from those boxes. I shall not take other two forms as wrong sites and intentionally look for identical patterns to those symptoms. The video attempts to focus on self-achievement so it firstly makes me feel imprisoned and then, it tries to liberate me by admitting that most of us cannot avoid imperfect designs. Developmental psychology theories examine the childhood bonds with parents and attachment theorists go further to apply those traumatic experiences to adults’ relationships. I start to look back to the picture of the unity, in which the triangle and the square mix well with the circle. I wonder if the power of the circle is really well balanced, for the reason that the unity cannot be formed alone by circles. The power of the circle is exaggerated and mysterious. When it is combined with others, it is so flexible to change itself into a trapezoid. If this video imagines a society as a jigsaw, triangles and squares do contribute to its solidarity. Moreover, the video shows that (00:39) the unity is not a circle. In other words, I question the security-oriented self should be our highest self or a yardstick. This will be definitely rejected by therapists who maintain although there are overlaps between various types, the insecure feelings could not be easily removed without psychological understanding of our insecurity. Eventually, we are back to the fundamental belief of psychotherapy that the self is determined by its inner psyche. To me, applying this theory is interesting and creative. I could be regarded as an anxious person owing to my original problematic bonds. This could also be true that I act like an anxious person because the situation pushes me to behave so. In other words, I don’t fully believe in it, for I already analysed the changeable usages of geometric shapes. I like that the attachment theories provides new framework for me to see the broken self. If I were a triangle, I would not have great power like a circle. I could be aware of my default and improve, but I would always be classified as one in the triangle box. Freedom is possible through the lenses of psychologists. The video asks which type we belong to and it immediately frames us as the targets of psychotherapists. In the end, I suggest that we become aware of its manipulation of symbols to teach theories and after watching it, we’d better not easily agree with those hypothesis of ourselves. The title uses our curiosity, which is a strategy with some insights. At least, the scientific way of telling is a technique which can comfort us.
Addison the Tiger Me too😞😞 And it doesn’t even make sense, I’ve never been hurt in a romantic relationship but I have been heartbroken in friendships plenty of times.
You are not bad. You are not needy. You have no idea how much I needed to hear those words. I often think so much about my anxious attachment, about my clingyness and neediness, but the way you put it here makes me feel a bit better.
I’m usually C (Avoidant) to most, but when I’ve really fallen for someone, I’m B (Anxious). Which makes sense, since they’re both ways of coping with anxiety - internalising it and externalising it.
Natalie D I don’t think that’s possible...you’re probably either primarily securely attached or anxiously attached but this is only triggered when you are in love.
Being anxious with an avoidant partner: Just imagine being hungry all the time but you only get little crumbs once in a while and you sit there weak and starving but too scared to be annoying if you say you are malnourished and ask for enough food.
Shit fuck shit i fucking feel this every fucking second with my husband who i have a child with. I need help I'm hurting. Please someone tell me how to fix this
That is amazingly about the best and yet most simple way of putting it I’ve ever seen. Hungry and too afraid to ask for more for fear of the food being taken completely away with one false move. Wow.
I have a secure attachment style who tried to date an avoidant recently (i didn't know about attachment styles before). I put up with him for over a year without even being in a distinctive relationship. It emotionally exhausted me so much because of the confusion and the frustration over the question why do they distant themselves everytime we get closer. This video finally removed my confusion and helped me understand their behaviour.
I’m in the same situation (except only 3 months in). We’ve done everything that a couple in serious relationships would do, but when I asked him about it last week he told me he has trauma about serious relationships and now we’re giving it a bit of time for each other to think. It broke me thinking we can’t make it work because I love him so much and it seemed he was in love with me too. He has done so much for me and tells me his feelings but says can’t commit, and I’m so confused and exhausted because he is contradicting himself. If I may ask, what happened afterwards? Did you break up with him or tried being together somehow?
Not sure if you’re even going to see this. I dated a very anxious type. It was great for the honeymoon phase but once school got hard for both of us, we started spending less time together, which happens in relationships. I’m secure, so I knew that only seeing each other for an hour a day on particularly hard days was okay. In my case, my anxious girlfriend felt unhappy and started to constantly ask me for more. More affection, reassurances, more time, and it was extremely draining for me because I was already giving all I had, but her anxiety ruled her and it made me feel unworthy and unhappy for 6 months or so, until I finally realized that my best will never be enough for her because of her anxiety about me. She would always want me to do more or change, and she became very controlling because her anxiety made her very jealous, too. She tracked my location, told me who to vote for, memorized my class schedule, worked her way into my friend group, and made me share my passwords with her for everything. It made me so unhappy and it really pushed me away and made me become distant with her because her anxiety never seemed to go away, no matter where we were or what we were doing. I kept reminding myself that she was super fun and awesome, and that she would grow from her anxiety, so I tried to hold on, but I was so drained that I stopped wanting to go out to social things with her and her friends because I was walking on eggshells, hoping she couldn’t find something that made her feel unloved by me. It was a terrible cycle and if I told her how she was making me feel, she said that she couldn’t change her feelings and never seemed to try to change. In the end, she broke up with me because she thought she deserved better than what I was giving her. She’s right, but I doubt she cared why I became distant in the first place. Anxious types are very hard for secure people to go out with, but I have always said and I will continue to say that anxiety and insecurity is something that she will grow out of, it’s just sad that I won’t get to see her come out the other side, which is what I was hanging on to for so long.
Hey, student and practitioner in psych here! I just want to point out that there is another attachment style called "Disorganized" which is very common and typically has characteristics of two or more of the other styles combined together. In case anyone was feeling like they don't "fit" :)
What do you think about the idea that the main three shouldn't be thought of as distinct labels for people but instead ways to label describe the different relationships that someone has. I feel like I'm usually secure with my girlfriend, but she is a mix of anxious-avoidant. With my friends and family I'm very avoidant.
Yeah I got confused since I relate to both B and C together quite significantly. I have a hard time trusting others whilst I'm still developing a relationship with them but once the relationship is developed I feel like I get too intimate and I'm afraid of being too clingy as well.
As an anxious type, let me say that dating other anxious types makes me feel secure. Periodically checking in at random to give reassurance gives a sense of security enough to confidently be able to go without speaking for a little while when one or the other becomes busy.
@@joeroberts2156 I'm not an expert but I think in *may* be depending on the situation. If you were hurt before, you will be afraid to commit and always be using excuses and saying "I'm not ready". However you could also be unsure and want a bit more information before committing also due to past problems and pain. But it could also be wisdom in knowing that rushing things is a bad idea. I don't know... These are just what came to mind...
@@joeroberts2156 there's no right or wrong answer for that. sometimes, people can use it as an excuse in an avoidant situation- sometimes, however, it is just wisdom.
Anxious + avoidant attachment from my avoidant perspective is questioning your own validity and walking on eggshells in conversations. Sometimes just shutting up cause you are too anxious you might upset them
I’m a mix of B and C - I sometimes really do want to be close to someone, but I think that I’ll just embarrass myself if I show that I appreciate them being close, and that they don’t actually like me and will be weirded out, so I try not to show it. I also have issues with trusting that people’s intentions are good when they are close to me and I think they want to be so that they can use me. Basically, people being too close also freaks me out. 😅
I think the video has a mistake. The first time they introduce the figures the triangle is B and the square is C. But after that they get mixes up. The suare is B and the triangle is C
It doesn’t sound like a mix, though. That’s the definition of the avoidant type. They want to be close, but they’re scared. Anxious type gets close, but shuts down easily when doesn’t get reciprocated
I love the school of life but the video is technically wrong. Option C is called, in attachment theory is usually called “ambivalent” attachment, not anxious attachment. Ambivalent attachment is a style of over-attachment, but it’s also characterized by anger and/or helplessness toward the object of attachment which can create periods of avoidance. I imagine that you feel like a mix of B and C because you are actually ambivalently attached. In other words, you are a classic C. Edit: to be clear, you definitely don’t sound avoidantly attached. Avoidant attachment is characterized more by perceived indifference toward their object of attachment. I’ve met a lot of ambivalently attached people who think they are avoidantly attached because closeness is so painful for them. That pain, however, is a result of the ambivalence. Avoidantly attached people don’t feel much pain or much joy regarding their attachments. To change their attachment style, they need to open up to greater levels of emotional investment in their partners. Ambivalently attached people have way too much of an emotional investment in their partners, which creates fear, anger, insecurity, and perceived helplessness. Edit 2: it’s also worth noting that one’s attachment style is determined by the relationship one had with their primary caregiver. If you want to better understand your own attachment style, one should look back to their parental relationships. Were your parents emotionally distant? Did they rarely communicate emotions and, when they did, were their statements short and terse? Then you might have an avoidant attachment style. Were they overly emotional and overly attached to you? Often overwhelmed by their emotions? Then you might have an ambivalent attachment style. Were they chaotic in their behavior toward you? Did their emotions and behavior seem to swing wildly? Then you might have what’s called a disorganized attachment style. Were they responsive to your needs and did they seem in command of their own emotions? That is, did they express their emotions freely in a way that signaled that they were not overwhelmed by them? Then you might have a secure attachment style.
If people understood this, break ups will be past history . It is so important to learn about ourselves and our partners attachement style. I finally solved the mysteries and the questions I had in my mind for so long.
I’m an avoidant type and we’re often villainized as if we aren’t people as well. I often see people online say that the best thing that our anxious partners can do is leave us. But the fact of the matter is that all damaged people need/deserve an extra amount of love and patience as opposed to ‘secure’ lovers. In my experience, it’s hurt me more than anything to hear from my anxious lover (who I love more than anyone in this world) that the love I give her just isn’t enough for her. That she sometimes questions whether I love her at all. But things have gotten better over time (although they are far from perfect) and I have a lot of hope for the future.
I’m glad you are doing okay. Hope you guys are still going strong. As an anxious type myself, I can safely say I have never wanted to give up on an avoidant lover. I have felt the need to shower them with so much love and attention that they eventually feel at ease and open up. However, I will admit that I have been exhausted. I have grown so tired that it has felt like I’m forcing a bond? It would be so much help if my avoidant partner would just let me know that they get hurt when I say they don’t love me enough (meaning the same way I love them) and if they would just sit down with me and let me know what they’re thinking and feeling no matter how messed up it may seem. I’m all for confrontations and gradually opening up even if it leads to some hurt and arguments- I believe it’s all worth it in the long run. I guess what I’m trying to say is, communication, no matter how little is always going to help a relationship.:)
I'm very avoidant myself and I will have to disagree. There are very few people (if any) capable of providing the amount of love you're describing in a healthy way who isn't a parent. It's more beneficial to learn to have compassion for ourselves and fundamentally understand how much we're worth, then provide ourselves with the love (and/or understanding) we didn't/don't receive before moving on to a relationship. If this is difficult to a degree that makes it seem nearly impossible, consider the external factors - it's tremendously hard to grow when we have to put up with abusers (unfortunately many young people are trapped with their abusive families due to the shitty economy here in the States). Of course this is all just my take, but it's what I see over and over. People seek out too much love, they find it, then end up in a toxic relationship where one or both parties is scared to leave. Now there's always the chance that what you're referring to is post-abuse and post-desperation and you're managing all that baggage in a way that allows for growth. In that instance, while love can help, I still don't think having an "extra amount" will help. Our best friend in this world is independence to a scary degree. (Or maybe that's my paranoia talking, lol.) I'm taking the route of isolation until I'm healed knowing full well that no part of life is guaranteed, and frankly I would only want the same for anyone who is capable. I'm not happy, nor am I content, but the life of delusion, high expectations, disappointment, self sabotage, and betrayal is one I am more than grateful to be leaving behind. No one can provide love in my life in any quantity, but thankfully I've got the internet where I can learn about why that is.
It would probably be better go get the love you need from a secure person who isn't constantly hurt. And this kind of relationship really mostly hurts for someone who is anxious (for both parties, really). It's probably a win-win to stop trying to bend each other.
"You're hurt, not bad" absolutely broke me. Whenever ppl tell me im a good person i simply reply with " i guess " or " no im not " i guess it was my way of never admitting that im hurting and saying im just a bad person wasnt so painful to say out loud.
Fr. I absolutely believe I'm a bad person and I hurt others, but being seen as "good person" is like a distraction from everything and I'm more "accepted" that way.
4:38 "When they attack you, see their longing for love". With the important caveat that such behavior can also emotional abuse. Be careful, don't let anyone gaslight you or belittle you.
@@MikeRe as a narcissist disguised as an anxious type, "I feel like your not doing enough because *blank*, you should be more attentive, more generous, etc."
It's victim blaming and manipulative. A person with avoidant style attachment will have inherent doubts about their own perceptions of the world around them and have difficulty with feelings of self worth and the capacity for others to love them (most certainly because they have been abused or manipulated in the past). Emotionally toxic people (such as narcissists or other abusers) will either consciously or subconsciously detect that, and use those insecurities to guilt and/or coerce the avoidant into a stronger emotional attachment to the abuser, thus opening the door for the abuser to become the emotional focal point in the avoidant's life. The abuser gives the love and affection the avoidant so desperately wants yet feels is unattainable, but only on the abuser's terms, while telling the avoidant that being suspicious or cautious of those terms is "crazy" or "unreasonable". This creates a power dynamic for the abuser as the avoidant questions their own comfort and security, but does not want to lose the affection they feel they do not deserve.
Is there such a thing as a mix of anxious and avoidant?? I feel like I'm more of anxious but instead of being angry/aggressive about it, I tend to be quiet and wait for the other to notice that I require more intimacy than what we already have. Also, I've always considered myself a hopeless romantic in that I dream of that very happy, intimate and romantic relationship but I'm afraid that people will perceive me as needy and clingy so I just avoid closeness and openness to protect myself but at the same time have that nagging feeling of wanting to be really close with someone e. g. holding hands, cuddling etc... Edit (3 yrs later) since some people still interact with this and I never noticed it got this much likes and comments lol. I've definitely grown and realized some of my actions were born of my own insecurity and just the overall outlook I had when it comes to love/romantic relationships. I've since grown to be more secure in myself and realized how important communication is especially if done in the correct way. Cheers
I'm avoidant, and my best friend is anxious. Weirdly, our friendship and different attachment styles has helped the two of us get closer to being secure. I know she needs signals of affection, so I go out of my way every now and then to do things that I normally wouldn't do in order to make sure she knows I care. Every time I do something like that it gets easier. And equally, she's grown to understand that time and space doesn't mean I don't love her, it's just that I'm overwhelmed and I need breathing room. It's a great case of opposites being good for one another, I think.
I was like that too with my best friend, and we certainly helped each other and had a great balance. But then she got an anxious boyfriend and she didn't need the avoidant friend anymore. So now I'm not sure if we ever helped each other get closer to secure. That's my experience, so my advice would be to always listen to each other's needs and don't take your friendship for granted, or assume the other person will be able to understand you care if you don't spell it out.
It's the same with me and my best friend and like you two we have started to understand each other's differences and develop in our own way. I think it'll be good for both of us in the long run.
The best thing about "school of life" videos is the comment section , you actually learn much more from other people's experiences and how they deal with the same shit as you do rather than only watching a video that leaves you with a lot of questions about self and not many answers.
Totally agree! I’m actually going to counseling for this now. I’m an anxious lover, so the square code pendant type. But the psychological term is called “codependent.” If you’re the other. It’s called “counter dependent”
It depends on the video. A few of them have had some really angry comments e.g. one with some really angry men who blamed all women for not dating them.
"You are not demented or needy to want more, but your way of dealing with what you legitimately need may be aggravating things hugely." Damn. I was ready to roll my eyes at this video, but it really hit home.
Seeing myself as the avoidant makes me think if I can really just put the past away; I can try to form a better future. Sometimes you just gotta go with the flow. I reflected on this video and realized how I messed up my relationship with someone who is an anxious type. I didn't understand her perspective so it went south. Hopefully now I can do better. I'm hurt, not a bad person.
I’m avoidant until someone really makes me feel something despite my efforts to avoid it, then I turn anxious while also contemplating if I should leave to avoid it instead
@@ninjaragingpotatoes I’d say you could start by telling her exactly this! Letting her know you DO want to open up could be helpful for her, and tho you may not know where to start, that’s something you two could work on together! :)
I'm both B and C. I take long to completely trust someone because I feel like others don't find me interesting enough to want to get to know me that well, but at the same time I get really clingy once I trust someone.
I act secure, but sometimes feel avoidant. However, I always choose to ignore my avoidant tendencies because I know they are destructive and irrational. So far, its been working for me. I’m in a healthy and loving relationship with someone I see as my soulmate. I wholeheartedly believe the knowledge of attachment styles has greatly helped us.
I'm avoidant. This was painful to watch. I never thought I might be hurting the people closest to me. And as a woman, the expectations people have of me in any relationship are something I've never been able to meet. I try, but only later do I realize that after a certain closeness I push everyone away. As soon as my friends start to know me better I start distancing myself, I've even done this to my siblings.
I'm the same way, your not alone. I was given false description of love as a child, afterwards I grew up genuinely scared of it. Even today the thought of intimacy or closeness with someone just doesn't sit well with me.
I feel the same way, sometimes I find it easier to talk and interact with strangers, but I am constantly afraid that I'll be disapointing if they get too close :/ but I'm trying to work on it, hope things get better for you too
Last time i gave reassurance they left me. Last time i was being secure i was told i was too clingy. Last time i kept my distance i was told i was unlovable. Were all a big ball of damaged
Someone already commented it somewhere in the answers and they said they had some issues during the productions. I was confused too but I guess it's too late now and I mean, you can still understand it it's just confusing at first lol
I was definitely avoidant with an anxious partner, and I really hated myself for it. For some reason or another I was hesitant to be more affectionate unless asked to, and my ex got incredibly upset and insecure about that as a result. Didn't help that I only ever heard those requests when they were already mad at me, and that they felt like they shouldn't have even had to ask. It made me constantly second guess whether I was doing enough, and what I should even do about it if not. The anxiety of knowing I should be doing more to reassure them than I was, but not being able to just force myself to do it unless they asked was awful man.
I can easily be the secure type, but having relationships with avoidant people make me feel more and more anxious. I just want to open up and feel secure, and I want them to feel secure too.
@@marie-leegiroux7696 I think that one is toxic when they cannot see that what they are doing is wrong. For example, I know about a couple who had domestic abuse problems, amongst with some other things. The abuser didn't want to admit that it was wrong to physically and emotionally abuse his partner even when they went to couples counselling. I think that it's important to be honest. When you calm down, explain how you felt and why you reacted the way you did. Give them a chance to see how to reassure you
@@marie-leegiroux7696 There is a difference between anger and abuse. I think that the very definition separates them in this manner: if you feel for whatever reason that you cannot simply walk away from the argument, it's abuse
@@marie-leegiroux7696 It's absolutely amazing that you have the self-awareness that you do. I would still suggest you get counselling. As you said, it's a slippery slope. I would like to stress that one can be abusive even if they walk away. You can stop yourself mid-abusive episode. I would say one is toxic once you start hurting people with the same mistakes repeatedly. I'm so glad you want to be a better person. We should all think about how to improve ourselves. Good luck with getting help!
yet, they changed what option C is. at first is the blue square, and after the transition they changed it do the red triangle. That really bothers me for some reason.
Definitely. I’m in high school right now and I don’t know anyone who would consider themselves “secure” because developing a secure attachment style is not something that’s taught at all :(
The sad reality with school is that they only teach you what you need to be put to work for our economy. I'm grateful videos like this exist so we can make the effort and learn it ourselves.
4:38 “When they attack you, see their longing for love.” This line really got to me, because it’s hard to express and show how much you love them without scaring off the other, or coming across as creepy. It scares me, because it feels like i have so much love to give but they might not want it.
Same here. I feel like things that I say that I consider caring for the other (like "please, don't text and drive") are taken as an attack rather than evidence that I care for their well-being. I was also the overly romantic person who shows off love with little and big details and ended up convincing myself that it was annoying and scary, so I restrain myself so people don't leave me because of my constant affection
im glad my adaptability and willingness to change naturally lead me through being the anxious partner, to being avoidant, and to now finally feeling secure. i hope everyone can feel secure in their relationships at some point
After watching this and what I went through the past 6 months I'm definitely building myself into a secure attachment style . It really is self work and self awareness
This Video urked me. Not that the information was bad, but because, the RED triangle was Option B, and then in the next portion after establishing what the colors and shapes were, You changed the RED triangle to option C. I didn't like that. Made me feel like you weren't even sure about what you guys were trying to explain.
i’m definitely an anxious and my girlfriend is 100% avoidant. we’ve had little to no intimacy in our year and a half of dating and i’ve definitely felt all those things the video said
The mixture of the avoidant plus the anxious one is the most Lethal combo. Your mind becomes a whirlwind of random feelings and you get lost in that wilderness but since you feel at a depth you know if you fall, you fall hard. That's the Fearful type. It's really scary sometimes..
Yes . . . that was me. And, when I finally fell for someone I fell hard. He was purely avoidant, which was hell for me. Nonetheless, he awakened the desire to heal from my childhood damage. Now, I am secure in my relationships. To say becoming secure was damn hard, is an understatement.
Your children will be a mix of both. I'am a mix of all negative characteristics my parents have. Sometimes i hate them for that. I don't want children because they will be probably worse than me (mentally)
I think one of the main things that we need to remember is the importance to HEAL through our attachment issues and not become complacent with the pain we carry. By healing, we come closer to wholeness and we can love others better and ourselves deeper. We will never be victorious if we settle in victimhood. This looks different for each person, and sometimes therapy and true vulnerability with how you truly feel is the only way to see the beginning to your end. This does not mean to stay in a relationship that is abusive or traumatic, especially if the two can not work as a team to and for each other.
I always admire the illustrations in your videos; That a circle is given for secure attachment. A square for anxious attachment. And a triangle for avoidant attachment.
This has been sticking with me all day cuz it's the reason I've lost close relationships.... I'm avoidant until I'm not... Then I'm anxiously attached.
My avoidant parter started out AMAZING - randomly asking me "what do you need right now? In such a genuine way. I was impressed. (I didnt need anything) - Then after 3 months I get told after a great day out - "Im just letting you know my walls are up, claiming she didnt know why) - Shes a Psychology Major........from then on I was the enemy. I should have walked right then.
Yes, the theory has later been developed further. I will just copy a comment by "JTaylortrois" because it explains it well: "This is based off research of the 1980's, in the early 1990's they made 4 types for adult-attachment: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. Fearful-avoidant people combine elements of anxious and avoidant. The way I think of it is D-A people are sub-consciously afraid of rejection (despite typically feeling confident about themselves) so they refuse to get close to people while F-A people really want to be close to others but are badly traumatized by past experiences and associate closeness with fear and/or resentment towards the other. Also, adults tend to be classified on a anxiety-avoidance x-y axis and not specifically one type or the other."
I tested disorganized/fearful-avoidant and the results described me so perfectly. I'm afraid people won't care about me as much as I care about them, but I'm also afraid to show any of that so 95% of the time I just keep people at arm's length while hoping that someone will, I don't know, read my mind or something and realize how much I need them. The thing I don't understand is why I am this way. The test I took says that the vast majority of people with this attachment style develop it as a result of learning to fear their primary caregiver at a young age, but I grew up in a secure, loving home with parents and siblings who I have always had very good relationships with. There was some disconnect in feeling like they valued the things I was passionate about, but that hardly seems significant enough to mess me up like this. I'm thirty years old and this is becoming debilitating for me. The longer you've been isolated, the less you know how to form relationships, and the more isolated you become. It's the definition of a vicious cycle. I just wish I understood this better and had any idea how to overcome it.
please remember people....these are ways of categorizing and making sense of these complex emotions and relationship dynamics. This A,B,C way of explanation is super helpful, but you are not just either A,B or C but more or less a combo of the 3 depending on your current status. I for one am generally more avoidant but in moments feel very secure but still have an underlying paranoia and can feel "needy". What I really want to communicate though is that you can change and tweak out some of the unhealthy attachments you feel you need for another. No one is perfect and or fully secure and if you feel you are I think you have a bigger issue haha. Be Brave and Transparent!!!!!
I agree ... and the older I get the more I see that honesty is the way to go. Just say how you feel and be really honest about it. If you like someone, tell them, as hard as it might be to get he words out of your mouth ... if so, write it down: send them a cute note. "I like you. Here is my # ... etc." :) Everyone is too afraid to look stupid. Life is too short. I'm 44 now and am starting to really see that - be the first one to make a move. I've been doing that more and more lately and am finding more satisfaction in my life. Not to mention - feeling proud of myself in the process!
Yes, well said. I'm not a fan of how the video presented it all as too black & white, that you're either this or that. We humans are more complex than that.
I believe that attachment styles are more based on a spectrum rather than this black-and-white based thinking. For example, my partner has a slight avoidant style, but is no where near as intense as this video portrays. You can be a little bit of something without being all of it.
@@MatthewAshworth I think the presented it the way they did BECAUSE emotions are so complicated. It is easier to grasp for people to categorize these types but you figure out that you're not just one but a mix of everything.
Whooooah just watched this with my husband and it was so spot on it’s frightening. Me being the avoidant, him being anxious... it’s often super frustrating for me having him be so “clingy” but he’s never had a previous relationship like I’ve had and this video just opened our eyes! We’ve learned to deal with our differing “attachment styles” in our own ways which works most of the time... but I’m interested to learn a bit more about how we can deal with these issues a little better in the future! Great video minus the shapes mix up haha!
I developed this theory as a teenager with my friend, we called it "cold and warm people" because we were both emotionally warm (anxious) types in relationships with cold people (avoidant types)^^ I knew about attachment theory before, but the statements in this video were just so painfully accurate and relatable to my exact situation and thoughts that it made me cry like a baby
If we can break the link between feeling tones and craving.If we can be with the pleasant and not chase after it ,with the unpleasant and not resist it.With the neutral and not ignore it ,then you have cut the chain of suffering at least for a time.That is an incredible freedom and blessing. ‐Rick Hanson,Buddha's Brain
Wow! I have never heard these ideas before, and they exploded like fireworks, filling me with understanding, pain, and hope. How can we not love Alain de Botton and his amazing colleagues at The School of Life? Their gifts are many and marvelous! And this animation is beyond superb!
I'm 29 and haven't been close to anybody since I was in elementary school. Over the years I've found that the way I behave towards others is often reflective of how I perceive how others treat me. So when I'm cold, distant, avoident, standoffish, uncaring, or just disinterested in others in general, I wished people would understand that I'm broken and have always been in need of positive attention.
@@camila4918 yeah, as tragic as it is, we can't expect others to be mind readers, and sometimes we need to push ourselves out of our comfort zones and do something scary and risky (honesty, affection, trust) to change it
Most people don't fall entirely into one or other category, much will depend on the dynamic of a given relationship. Just by way of example, in my last two relationships I was very much anxious in one and then largely secure with a dash of avoidant in the other. I probably tend more towards anxious than avoidant. But I wasn't at all anxious in my most recent relationship. Some people fall into the extremes, for sure, and will display that attachment style almost regardless of the character of the relationship. But they are the exception. Most people are capable of being anxious, secure and avoidant in relationships, depending on the dynamic at play.
You may understand someone, that doesn't mean you'll accept them how they really are or think about some subjects. More than that I would say acceptance should be key in that case, even if you disagree with your partner. The idea of changing someonelse's behaviour just because it doesn't fit with yours it's detrimental in a long-term. Understanding is a step, however willing to embrace differences may help you in order to have a joyful relationship, that leads us to something more relevant as well, communication. Cheers!
With the rise of Jordan Peterson as a star of the intellectual scene, I'm more and more convinced that psychology is one of the most important fields of knowledge, I'd go as far as to say that it needs to be part of education curriculums, it can help a lot with the process of understanding oneself.
I'm avoidant until I'm secure. I've never been anxious and being with an anxious partner always causes me to RUN. They often overwhelm me before I feel comfortable enough to open up more. It's baby steps being vulnerable and intimate for me and the fact I *am* getting closer is often overlooked by an anxious type. It's kind of exhausting. I'm never ever gonna be in a rush to say "I love you" because I want to feel deeply that I mean it.
I'm avoidant as fuck. No point in going into a relationship if you're just going to get crushed in the end, but after years with this mentality I've learned to be content with it and love the single life
Sounds like you’re terrified of pain. Here’s the thing dude. Pain is inevitable. It’s a part of life. The truth is, people are going to leave you, betray you, hurt you. They’re even going to die. Whether u remain guarded or not, you’re going to get hurt. But here’s the secret. If u remain unguarded, if you allow yourself to love, you open yourself to more pain, yes. But also to intimacy and vulnerability. You open yourself to loving others and being loved. Everything in this world is impermanent. Everything is fleeting. But that’s why we should make the most out of every moment in this life. Never take a moment of bliss for granted, just as we shouldn’t sink into our grief. Feel it all without fear. I can’t promise you you won’t get hurt. But you’ll definitely suffer a lot less.
I was Anxious-avoidant, yet mostly anxious. After being in a relationship with a purely avoidant man for nearly 3 years I've now become secure. I walked away from him. He helped me realize that I deserve to have a mature love. I deserve to have someone who loves me securely, just as I will now love that someone securely. I've done so much internal work these past three 3 years. I will never tolerate disrespect and apathetic disregard from someone ever again.
@@dre9281 maybe be honest with them about your needs? It helps alot if you explain exactly what you want and need because a partner is most likely willing to work together with you and improve on what you've build.
im somewhere between secure and anxious, working my way into being totally secure. currently in a relationship with someone showing signs of the avoidant type who sometimes can also shows security, and it is really really hard right now. i cried watching this video, but thanks for the enlightenment.
Athali N. Yep, this is relatable. Part of working on becoming secure (for me) has involved making the choice to leave relationships when I'm not getting the kind of consistent communication/emotional availability I need. I grew up with an emotionally unpredictable mother and so I'm trying to break my somewhat codependent tendencies. It's especially hard to leave when there are so many good things about a relationship, but sometimes it's clear that a person won't change. The question is: am I willing to accept less than I need and essentially self-harm by doing this?
Athali N. Go to God his the only one who could give you the kind of love and compassion you need, put your trust in his son Jesus Christ,God so love the world that he gave his only son so who ever believes in him shall be saved, I pray that you come to the know Jesus personally as your saver.
Bruh I always knew I was avoidant but as he mentioned the things to keep in mind when you're avoidant, everything just hit home... And as he offered the advice y'all, I started tearing up. School of Life out here making me feel EMOTIONS
I was the avoidant with an anxious-type partner. She had panic attacks every time our dates were coming to an end, and even though I'd hold her and comfort her, I remember feeling so incredibly tense, frustrated, and annoyed. It got to the point where I had some sort of 'panic' attack during our date where just sensing the presence of her behind me, waiting both anxiously and patiently, made my blood boil. I remember vividly the purple flowers around our forest picnic. They were all I could stand to look at.
When you have an anxious attachment style My boyfriend: *sighs* Me: are you okay? Was it something I did? What did I do? I’m so sorry please don’t leave me I know I’m annoying
sory4beinanonymous hey, hang in there. The guys shouldn’t always have to be strong and that goes for you too. You get to be as strong as you want to be and I’m sure any girl would be lucky with you 😊
You remind me of a guy that I used to know. Friends but slightly interested in each other. I tried to be nice but he was so attached to me, he got in the way of my goals, and being to avoidant type, I absolutely hated it. So I needed to put a temporary stop to this because of how overwhelming it is. But he understood it the other way and now he ignores my existence. I now feel very sorry bacause I failed to understand him, and clear things up. But for now I don't think I can be with an anxious type, maybe after some practice and preparations. I wonder what type is your boyfriend?
Moods Moody we’re both anxious types so we kinda work and get weirdly secure because we’re both clingy but the good part is neither of us are very jealous or angry or get in each other’s way we both want the best for each other sometimes we just think the other is mad when they aren’t that’s pretty much all we get worried about hurting each other’s feelings so it doesn’t put a dent in our relationship it just is hard to understand each other when we aren’t together.
@@Smokey_Cookies oooh since you both are similar you understand each other! It's so nice hearing you are both encouraging of each other! I hope the best for both of you ❤
Although I feel secure with my partner and I always found it so easy to communicate and be intimate with him, I realised that with friends I am very avoidant.. I'm very warm and open at first, but it's terribly hard to keep that long-term, to open up and share my feelings with them, to respond to their emotional needs. Because of that, I don't really have a best friend with whom I would share anything, although I have many good friends.
@@bustamovehaha i felt the same way all my life. what you need if you want to change is a good therapist+ do zen meditasjon/yoga to get stress out of the brain and body ( ore other mind/body exercise). this is to get the fight/flight/freeze energy out of the nervussystem ( you think its all in your head, but its not... its 50% in the body) . it can take time to find a good therapist most of them are useless narcissists ore pleasers who dont dare to ask questions ore just project themself on you . When you start to change people around you start to change, then you see.
ughh i feel like that too! before i had my first long-term relationship i was scared that my partner could annoy or bore me as soon as i know them too well. but it was only this way with friends, every time i hanged out too much with them and knew them well, i started to distance myself, because the little things annoyed me. maybe thats also why i never had a best friend for a long time. i mean, sometimes this annoyance happened with my partner as well, but most times i love the little things and the unconscious behaviour and noises they made. it still leaves me behind with a question mark though.
I definitely fall under the “secure” attachment style, because my family have always loved me unconditionally, and I have a healthy sense of self-esteem, so why would I worry about people turning on me for no reason? I love my friends and family freely, and I’m not afraid to make friends and be kind to people , but at the same time, I don’t let most people get too close, and I won’t bare my soul to anyone who I don’t trust completely, which is very few people 😂 I suspect years of being bullied as a child has caused this contraction, I love people and I don’t think most of them are bad, but some part of me is definitely still wary!
This video is perfect for me and my SO. Genuinely perfect for us. After watching it gave a deeper understanding on what I can work on and how I can better cope with not just myself but her as well. I'm avoidant as hell and hearing this helped realize I'm not unconsciously being an asshole like I thought. Thank you.
“You are hurt, not bad.”
Really needed this, thanks
That part made me cry for 5mims straight
Fr I almost started crying when he said that😭
Yeah, it's weird. After going through a really bad friendship, I find that I am no longer secure. I'm anxious about someone abandoning me. I realize now that's why I'm so resentful. I'm hurt.
JK
Your kitty !!!! 😍😍😍💗
but what if your bad and hurt?
Glad to know I'm avoidant, Now I can continue avoiding people while knowing the correct term for it
Hahahahahah
lol
me too akdusjdhd
@@chau3434 😉
@@whiteparasol7341 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
“When they attack you, see that they are longing for love.” I work with autistic children and anytime one breaks down over something trivial and I ask if they want a hug, they collapse into my arms and bawl. It’s both heartbreaking and heartwarming to know they both trust me and know I see their frustration.
Katherine Mae Thank you for the work you are doing in our society, we need more people with great hearts and warm arms, THANK YOU !!!!! PS: make sure you get love and confort back because you can’t give what you don’t receive, I pray that you receive God’s love, he loved you first and he gave you the best when he sent his son Jesus Christ and if you believe and put your trust in what he did for you on the cross you will be saved, confess your a sinner in need of a saver believing in your heart and you will be saved.
This comment literally made me cry😭
You're a saint and those kids are literally angels
oMG THANK YOU FOR BEING A NICE HUMAN TO US
Avoidants think its all one way traffic. They want all the consideration for their position - and in return think YOU are mad. Ugh!
Just so y’all know... you can change and become secure. I was avoidant until I was 21, after that I pushed through the fear and let someone in, got pretty hurt which reinforced the avoidant feelings. During that period (21 to 26 years old) I was a mix of avoidant and anxious. It was annoying af bc I wanted relationships badly and the intimacy that entails but at the same time “people are so stupid and errr”. Then I realized I was stupid in my own ways and went on a journey to know myself and that made me understand others better and be ok with them and myself. I feel secure now, 27. There will be pain in any relationship, but suffering is optional. To make a long story short, you’re not set in stone, go to therapy, do the work required and set yourself free.
thank you.
Thanks for sharing. I'm currently on that journey of realizing my own stupidity and learning more about myself and others to the point of acceptance. I also yearn for intimacy in relationships lol. Just need to work on being secure.
@@kiteknit5505 It is in this conversations on the internet I find great wisdom and a wholesomeness that goes hand in hand with the journey of knowing oneself, thanks to all of you for sharing your stories.
@@anjafrohlich1170 I mean.... at least this time it was someone else's fault, not yours
(not saying this makes it better but it's a plus I guess)
But how does one set him/herself free? Half of the time those who have these struggles are the ones who don't even properly know who they themselves are, let alone know how to liberate themselves.
Sometimes I really want to change and apply all the psychological theory in my life, but at the same time, isn't the truth 'Just be yourself' not the more pressing one? Won't endless self-reflection drag us down into a spiral of confusion and (ironically) anxiousness?... It is such a difficult process, to which I don't know how to properly manage.
“You’re hurt, not bad.” Made me absolutely bawl. Yes I am.
I dont understand how if you can recognise that - you cant recognise when youre treating someone like shit AND THEN STOP DOIN THAT - Ugh!
@@Paul-tq3tn It’s not that easy. You have no empathy
@@user-eo9to7wd2t none at all. I've been on the receiving end and it fucked me up for well over 12 months. I got zero empathy either. So no. You're correct. I'm not empathetic to this. Just stop that shit. No excuse
@@Paul-tq3tn We can’t just stop. It comes from years of childhood trauma. I am working on it, but I would never blame somebody for something that they can’t control. I never asked to be this way and I wish I didn’t have to deal with this. Avoidants want closeness too
@@user-eo9to7wd2t well as long as you think it's ok to go ahead and make others unhappy with you're "stuff" that you just can't seem to fix.......then stay the hell away from people who are out there trying to find and establish loving healthy relationships. Fix yourself first. Otherwise you are simply causing innocent unsuspecting people misery. Just don't!!!!
Oh Jesus the shapes are mixed up. I was so confused,
I observed the same thing. Urgh...
ah you are also dyslexic
That threw me off so badly
somebody pls fix it.
No worries, the theory itself is mixed up as well
So instead of "hey girl, what's your sign?"
It's "hey girl, what's your shape?"
Hey guurl, whats your attachment style?
LMAOOOO
i just laughed so fucking hard pffffffffffffffffft
Omg this got me😆
If more people did that they would be a lot less broken hearts.
Why did you put abc in a box, turn them around, then randomly change the order
Imagine being secure, must be nice
Anxious/secure doesnt sound so bad either
Must be fucking nice
I am, at least in love, but that doesn't mean that I won't get damaged by toxic relationships.
Well, yes... but that doesn’t mean we won’t get hurt by people we love and appreciate when they would do/say something that can broke us. My point is that yes, we might be secure, but we also can get hurt very deeply, just like everyone.
not allways, I've seen secure people get so tired of the other tipes they end up with problems too, or angry at the world
I find it crazy how this channel continues to make videos based on my current mood.
iamLucid saaaame ! Awesome though
I swear... same thing is happening to me. I’ll have a fight with my boyfriend next thing i see a notification from this channel about how to argument with your SO
SoL is stalking you
@@nallelyrangel1175
K
That's because UA-cam, which is owned by Google, suggests videos that are relevant to whatever you've typed on your phone or through social. That's how everything works nowadays, through targeted content and advertisement. Google hamburgers for the next few days and see how many videos on fast food you'll wind up having suggested to you. The internet isn't psychic, it's just a very good spy. 😉
Avoidant here . Expert in the art of crushing and one sided love and running away immediately when someone even thinks about loving or getting close to me
sorry for your hurt.
I'm sad yet glad that I'm not the only one.
Yeah same, it SUCKS😞
Ooof! I relate so much ❤
I feel so called out right now. I wanna fix it.
The options B and C has been interchanged after the first introduction. The square was said as option B and triangle as option C. Got me so confused. 😣
I thought I was the only one who noticed this lol! 🥲 thank you
Ugh same, it was so confusing
No problem for me. I was listening without watching. 😂
Saw this and was really hoping there would be an explanation for it. As educational as this video is, I find it mute and unrelatable if I cannot distinguish if I am either B or C. I do not understand why it was done out of order by both flipping the order from left to right into right to left, as well as jumping the middle. I'm a fan of the series, but this is a wrench in the gears as far as my processing of the information given. If this could be clarified, despite the age of the video, it would aid me in properly distinguishing the information being presented.
i noticed that too, it made the rest of the video impossibly confusing for me to actually understand.
This video just called me Damaged for 6 minutes straight
lol...basically
My man I just gave you your thounsandth like 👍🏻
@@41linestreet Omg Thank you😂❤❤
It's obviously lovely to have the secure style but all three styles have advantages. E.g. anxiously attatched people are better at reading emotions on facial expressions (but do need to slow down and wait, double check, because they tend to be pessimistic about those emotions and where it's ambiguous will assume the worst.
@@Rabbitthat
Definitely these three styles come with their particular strength. There is another way of looking at the experience of watching this video.
Let's first suppose that this video has some scientific truth value. I aim to answer the three questions: 1) Can we strictly distinguish three attachment styles? 2) How strongly do we feel the need to answer the question in the title seriously? 3) To what degree is this video practical? I will focus on the ambiguous usages of geometrical shapes( the circle, triangle and square). I argue that this video is based on symbolic language or cultural imagery so it can appeal to our emotions, in order to teach us theories more effectively.
This video introduces attachment theories and invites us to identify ourselves. We see three models of the self in the animated world and only the secure type is favoured by the narrator from the perspective of psychologists. We learn that each self seems to be quite distinct from the other and most of us experience insecure relationship. This video serves as a small clinical practice for us to reflect on our personal development. At the level of introduction, I think the narration works well to awaken our seeming damaged inner selves, for it tells small stories about problematic relationships everyone may experience in everyday life. It invokes emotional responses and even self-critiques. I believe that the success of this video relies on its visualisation of characters whose shapes and colours are easily sensed without promises of scientific truth of ourselves.
The primary meanings of ourselves are matched to three geometric shapes -circle, triangle and square, among which the anxious type and the avoidant type actually use the same symbols interchangeably. The circle pictures a secure self who can have a positive relationship and a good balance between the self and others. Commonly, circles represent wholeness and in many cultures, a circle stands for perfection in unity. As we can see(00:39), the circle gets along well with other shapes and it joins them for harmony. This act leads to more happiness, as they all smile. This is the ideal type of relationship. It assumes that the circle is the most stable and worthwhile symbol. Therefore, the secure type is the standard model of the self.
When it comes to the other two types, their differences are made clear strategically based on shared traditions. Firstly, the triangle refers to the anxious partner. By definition, the anxious is fearful of abandonment and wants to be in close proximity to others. In Chinese culture, the sharp points of the triangle can signal aggressiveness. A triangle causes troubles, for it is too rough and it doesn’t know how to mingle with someone else by nature. It typically wants to approach and attack.
By contrast, the square represents solidity. The avoidant self needs to create interpersonal distance and are less open. In Native American religion, the square means a safe and permanent place. The critique of the avoidant model is that it is over static and isolated, as square can land firmly on the ground by itself. The geometric symbols are plausible, until the appearance of the scientist, named John Bowlby(2:00).
A clear cut between three attachment styles is impossible and the classification is ambiguous. A strange switch happens: the shape of the anxious-attached individual is a square, while the avoidant-attached partner is triangular. This seems to be irrelevant to the narration, which continues to establish solid boundaries between these characters. Nonetheless, this looks like a chance for me to walk away from those boxes. I shall not take other two forms as wrong sites and intentionally look for identical patterns to those symptoms.
The video attempts to focus on self-achievement so it firstly makes me feel imprisoned and then, it tries to liberate me by admitting that most of us cannot avoid imperfect designs. Developmental psychology theories examine the childhood bonds with parents and attachment theorists go further to apply those traumatic experiences to adults’ relationships. I start to look back to the picture of the unity, in which the triangle and the square mix well with the circle. I wonder if the power of the circle is really well balanced, for the reason that the unity cannot be formed alone by circles.
The power of the circle is exaggerated and mysterious. When it is combined with others, it is so flexible to change itself into a trapezoid. If this video imagines a society as a jigsaw, triangles and squares do contribute to its solidarity. Moreover, the video shows that (00:39) the unity is not a circle. In other words, I question the security-oriented self should be our highest self or a yardstick. This will be definitely rejected by therapists who maintain although there are overlaps between various types, the insecure feelings could not be easily removed without psychological understanding of our insecurity. Eventually, we are back to the fundamental belief of psychotherapy that the self is determined by its inner psyche.
To me, applying this theory is interesting and creative. I could be regarded as an anxious person owing to my original problematic bonds. This could also be true that I act like an anxious person because the situation pushes me to behave so. In other words, I don’t fully believe in it, for I already analysed the changeable usages of geometric shapes. I like that the attachment theories provides new framework for me to see the broken self. If I were a triangle, I would not have great power like a circle. I could be aware of my default and improve, but I would always be classified as one in the triangle box. Freedom is possible through the lenses of psychologists. The video asks which type we belong to and it immediately frames us as the targets of psychotherapists. In the end, I suggest that we become aware of its manipulation of symbols to teach theories and after watching it, we’d better not easily agree with those hypothesis of ourselves. The title uses our curiosity, which is a strategy with some insights. At least, the scientific way of telling is a technique which can comfort us.
i'm secure in friendships, but anxious/avoidant in romantic relationships.
Addison the Tiger Me too😞😞 And it doesn’t even make sense, I’ve never been hurt in a romantic relationship but I have been heartbroken in friendships plenty of times.
Same
Same
I'm actually avoidant in friendships, and anxious in relationships... Now that I think about it, that's quite weird.
Then dont think of it as 2 separate entities
I've never related to a triangle so much in my life.
😂
Lol!! Same!!
I love the way you put it lmao
Samee
Me too lol
You are not bad. You are not needy.
You have no idea how much I needed to hear those words. I often think so much about my anxious attachment, about my clingyness and neediness, but the way you put it here makes me feel a bit better.
I’m usually C (Avoidant) to most, but when I’ve really fallen for someone, I’m B (Anxious).
Which makes sense, since they’re both ways of coping with anxiety - internalising it and externalising it.
We are in the same boat.
Natalie D I don’t think that’s possible...you’re probably either primarily securely attached or anxiously attached but this is only triggered when you are in love.
I feel attacked
Oh my god i hate being me
It's true avoidants greatest fear is vulnerability. We try to suppress our emotions maybe due to our judgemental society.
Being anxious with an avoidant partner: Just imagine being hungry all the time but you only get little crumbs once in a while and you sit there weak and starving but too scared to be annoying if you say you are malnourished and ask for enough food.
😢
But both u are suitable to each other
Shit fuck shit i fucking feel this every fucking second with my husband who i have a child with. I need help I'm hurting. Please someone tell me how to fix this
@@4thr447 goto counseling and study attachment types + get some time alone.
That is amazingly about the best and yet most simple way of putting it I’ve ever seen. Hungry and too afraid to ask for more for fear of the food being taken completely away with one false move. Wow.
I like to grab people with my unusually long arms through my red triangle cage
Omg I love you
😂😂😂😂
That was hilarious 😂😂
Same U_U
Hahahaha
I have a secure attachment style who tried to date an avoidant recently (i didn't know about attachment styles before). I put up with him for over a year without even being in a distinctive relationship. It emotionally exhausted me so much because of the confusion and the frustration over the question why do they distant themselves everytime we get closer. This video finally removed my confusion and helped me understand their behaviour.
I’m in the same situation (except only 3 months in). We’ve done everything that a couple in serious relationships would do, but when I asked him about it last week he told me he has trauma about serious relationships and now we’re giving it a bit of time for each other to think. It broke me thinking we can’t make it work because I love him so much and it seemed he was in love with me too. He has done so much for me and tells me his feelings but says can’t commit, and I’m so confused and exhausted because he is contradicting himself.
If I may ask, what happened afterwards? Did you break up with him or tried being together somehow?
Not sure if you’re even going to see this. I dated a very anxious type. It was great for the honeymoon phase but once school got hard for both of us, we started spending less time together, which happens in relationships. I’m secure, so I knew that only seeing each other for an hour a day on particularly hard days was okay. In my case, my anxious girlfriend felt unhappy and started to constantly ask me for more. More affection, reassurances, more time, and it was extremely draining for me because I was already giving all I had, but her anxiety ruled her and it made me feel unworthy and unhappy for 6 months or so, until I finally realized that my best will never be enough for her because of her anxiety about me. She would always want me to do more or change, and she became very controlling because her anxiety made her very jealous, too. She tracked my location, told me who to vote for, memorized my class schedule, worked her way into my friend group, and made me share my passwords with her for everything. It made me so unhappy and it really pushed me away and made me become distant with her because her anxiety never seemed to go away, no matter where we were or what we were doing. I kept reminding myself that she was super fun and awesome, and that she would grow from her anxiety, so I tried to hold on, but I was so drained that I stopped wanting to go out to social things with her and her friends because I was walking on eggshells, hoping she couldn’t find something that made her feel unloved by me. It was a terrible cycle and if I told her how she was making me feel, she said that she couldn’t change her feelings and never seemed to try to change. In the end, she broke up with me because she thought she deserved better than what I was giving her. She’s right, but I doubt she cared why I became distant in the first place. Anxious types are very hard for secure people to go out with, but I have always said and I will continue to say that anxiety and insecurity is something that she will grow out of, it’s just sad that I won’t get to see her come out the other side, which is what I was hanging on to for so long.
@@Tfe-er1km How did it work out? Similar situation..
Hey, student and practitioner in psych here! I just want to point out that there is another attachment style called "Disorganized" which is very common and typically has characteristics of two or more of the other styles combined together. In case anyone was feeling like they don't "fit" :)
What do you think about the idea that the main three shouldn't be thought of as distinct labels for people but instead ways to label describe the different relationships that someone has. I feel like I'm usually secure with my girlfriend, but she is a mix of anxious-avoidant. With my friends and family I'm very avoidant.
@@TheeNormalGuys I felt that too, it feels like I have opposite attachment styles when interacting with different people
Thanks for the information
oh thanks! that actually explains a lot
Yeah I got confused since I relate to both B and C together quite significantly. I have a hard time trusting others whilst I'm still developing a relationship with them but once the relationship is developed I feel like I get too intimate and I'm afraid of being too clingy as well.
I find it easy to be friendly to strangers that I know that I'll never see again, but kinda introverted with those that I always interact with.
Sounds like fear of judgement possibly because you’re close to them
Possibly part of the labeling theory
exactly
i relate to this 100%
oof, this is definitely me.
As an anxious type, let me say that dating other anxious types makes me feel secure. Periodically checking in at random to give reassurance gives a sense of security enough to confidently be able to go without speaking for a little while when one or the other becomes busy.
Oh. I hope to find an anxious type then.
Does the whole "we're/I'm not ready right now" thing relate to being an avoidant or is it just wisdom?
@@joeroberts2156 I'm not an expert but I think in *may* be depending on the situation. If you were hurt before, you will be afraid to commit and always be using excuses and saying "I'm not ready". However you could also be unsure and want a bit more information before committing also due to past problems and pain. But it could also be wisdom in knowing that rushing things is a bad idea. I don't know... These are just what came to mind...
@@SI0AX I think and hope it's the last one.
@@joeroberts2156 there's no right or wrong answer for that. sometimes, people can use it as an excuse in an avoidant situation- sometimes, however, it is just wisdom.
Anxious + avoidant attachment from my avoidant perspective is questioning your own validity and walking on eggshells in conversations. Sometimes just shutting up cause you are too anxious you might upset them
School of life: no one is evil, everyone is just hurt, lonely or weak, disguising a damaged childhood with anger
I see no lie
Dude, I’ve been trying to put this into words for fucking years. How the hell did I find the definitive answer in a youtube comment.
how one acts out their hurt can make them evil.
asmRTPOP yessssss
Not sure about "no one" but yeah pretty much
Am I the only one who thinks that they changed B and C around when the reversed the 3 boxes?
They did
So did I.
they did
Right? Fucked with my head😂
Yeah, like what the fuck
I’m a mix of B and C - I sometimes really do want to be close to someone, but I think that I’ll just embarrass myself if I show that I appreciate them being close, and that they don’t actually like me and will be weirded out, so I try not to show it. I also have issues with trusting that people’s intentions are good when they are close to me and I think they want to be so that they can use me. Basically, people being too close also freaks me out. 😅
I think the video has a mistake. The first time they introduce the figures the triangle is B and the square is C. But after that they get mixes up. The suare is B and the triangle is C
It doesn’t sound like a mix, though. That’s the definition of the avoidant type. They want to be close, but they’re scared. Anxious type gets close, but shuts down easily when doesn’t get reciprocated
I love the school of life but the video is technically wrong. Option C is called, in attachment theory is usually called “ambivalent” attachment, not anxious attachment. Ambivalent attachment is a style of over-attachment, but it’s also characterized by anger and/or helplessness toward the object of attachment which can create periods of avoidance. I imagine that you feel like a mix of B and C because you are actually ambivalently attached. In other words, you are a classic C.
Edit: to be clear, you definitely don’t sound avoidantly attached. Avoidant attachment is characterized more by perceived indifference toward their object of attachment. I’ve met a lot of ambivalently attached people who think they are avoidantly attached because closeness is so painful for them. That pain, however, is a result of the ambivalence. Avoidantly attached people don’t feel much pain or much joy regarding their attachments. To change their attachment style, they need to open up to greater levels of emotional investment in their partners. Ambivalently attached people have way too much of an emotional investment in their partners, which creates fear, anger, insecurity, and perceived helplessness.
Edit 2: it’s also worth noting that one’s attachment style is determined by the relationship one had with their primary caregiver. If you want to better understand your own attachment style, one should look back to their parental relationships. Were your parents emotionally distant? Did they rarely communicate emotions and, when they did, were their statements short and terse? Then you might have an avoidant attachment style. Were they overly emotional and overly attached to you? Often overwhelmed by their emotions? Then you might have an ambivalent attachment style. Were they chaotic in their behavior toward you? Did their emotions and behavior seem to swing wildly? Then you might have what’s called a disorganized attachment style. Were they responsive to your needs and did they seem in command of their own emotions? That is, did they express their emotions freely in a way that signaled that they were not overwhelmed by them? Then you might have a secure attachment style.
I’m pleasantly surprised that you’re here
@@SC-rt7bq your definition for the anxious type is so spot on. I understood what the video was saying, parts just kinda came across wrong.
If people understood this, break ups will be past history . It is so important to learn about ourselves and our partners attachement style. I finally solved the mysteries and the questions I had in my mind for so long.
This is hard for me: I’m okay with people relying on me but I hate relying on others.
Avoidant. It has everything to do with keeping others out, or rather not giving them reason to believe you want them in.
F13RY0N5L4UGHT or he doesn’t like the vulnerability and implied weakness or failure that comes with having to ask for help?
Fearghus Keitz Your reasons still imply an avoidant disposition, but thanks?
Opposite for me, stresses me out
Kayt Murray i’m lowkey the opposite I hate people relying on me cause i can’t take that responsibility
imagine being able to just trust someone
Right like, they are going to hurt me sooner or later why even bother lmao
It almost seems like a flaw, but that might just be my avoidant self talking.
Wow. Can't imagine
It's not always about our own trust issues. Sometimes you've just experienced enough peoples lies and selfish needs to know better.
No
I’m an avoidant type and we’re often villainized as if we aren’t people as well. I often see people online say that the best thing that our anxious partners can do is leave us. But the fact of the matter is that all damaged people need/deserve an extra amount of love and patience as opposed to ‘secure’ lovers. In my experience, it’s hurt me more than anything to hear from my anxious lover (who I love more than anyone in this world) that the love I give her just isn’t enough for her. That she sometimes questions whether I love her at all. But things have gotten better over time (although they are far from perfect) and I have a lot of hope for the future.
I’m glad you are doing okay. Hope you guys are still going strong. As an anxious type myself, I can safely say I have never wanted to give up on an avoidant lover. I have felt the need to shower them with so much love and attention that they eventually feel at ease and open up. However, I will admit that I have been exhausted. I have grown so tired that it has felt like I’m forcing a bond? It would be so much help if my avoidant partner would just let me know that they get hurt when I say they don’t love me enough (meaning the same way I love them) and if they would just sit down with me and let me know what they’re thinking and feeling no matter how messed up it may seem. I’m all for confrontations and gradually opening up even if it leads to some hurt and arguments- I believe it’s all worth it in the long run. I guess what I’m trying to say is, communication, no matter how little is always going to help a relationship.:)
I'm very avoidant myself and I will have to disagree. There are very few people (if any) capable of providing the amount of love you're describing in a healthy way who isn't a parent. It's more beneficial to learn to have compassion for ourselves and fundamentally understand how much we're worth, then provide ourselves with the love (and/or understanding) we didn't/don't receive before moving on to a relationship.
If this is difficult to a degree that makes it seem nearly impossible, consider the external factors - it's tremendously hard to grow when we have to put up with abusers (unfortunately many young people are trapped with their abusive families due to the shitty economy here in the States). Of course this is all just my take, but it's what I see over and over. People seek out too much love, they find it, then end up in a toxic relationship where one or both parties is scared to leave.
Now there's always the chance that what you're referring to is post-abuse and post-desperation and you're managing all that baggage in a way that allows for growth. In that instance, while love can help, I still don't think having an "extra amount" will help. Our best friend in this world is independence to a scary degree. (Or maybe that's my paranoia talking, lol.)
I'm taking the route of isolation until I'm healed knowing full well that no part of life is guaranteed, and frankly I would only want the same for anyone who is capable. I'm not happy, nor am I content, but the life of delusion, high expectations, disappointment, self sabotage, and betrayal is one I am more than grateful to be leaving behind. No one can provide love in my life in any quantity, but thankfully I've got the internet where I can learn about why that is.
Ok... it has already pass 4 month so how is going on your relationship with her/him?
I know that you need it and that you deserve it, i'm just not sure if i'm gonna be able to keep giving it to them
It would probably be better go get the love you need from a secure person who isn't constantly hurt. And this kind of relationship really mostly hurts for someone who is anxious (for both parties, really). It's probably a win-win to stop trying to bend each other.
"You're hurt, not bad" absolutely broke me. Whenever ppl tell me im a good person i simply reply with " i guess " or " no im not " i guess it was my way of never admitting that im hurting and saying im just a bad person wasnt so painful to say out loud.
Fr. I absolutely believe I'm a bad person and I hurt others, but being seen as "good person" is like a distraction from everything and I'm more "accepted" that way.
4:38 "When they attack you, see their longing for love". With the important caveat that such behavior can also emotional abuse. Be careful, don't let anyone gaslight you or belittle you.
Much agreed
Anyone care to explain?
@@MikeRe as a narcissist disguised as an anxious type, "I feel like your not doing enough because *blank*, you should be more attentive, more generous, etc."
DOminic Vieyra What do you mean by that exactly?
It's victim blaming and manipulative. A person with avoidant style attachment will have inherent doubts about their own perceptions of the world around them and have difficulty with feelings of self worth and the capacity for others to love them (most certainly because they have been abused or manipulated in the past). Emotionally toxic people (such as narcissists or other abusers) will either consciously or subconsciously detect that, and use those insecurities to guilt and/or coerce the avoidant into a stronger emotional attachment to the abuser, thus opening the door for the abuser to become the emotional focal point in the avoidant's life.
The abuser gives the love and affection the avoidant so desperately wants yet feels is unattainable, but only on the abuser's terms, while telling the avoidant that being suspicious or cautious of those terms is "crazy" or "unreasonable". This creates a power dynamic for the abuser as the avoidant questions their own comfort and security, but does not want to lose the affection they feel they do not deserve.
Is there such a thing as a mix of anxious and avoidant?? I feel like I'm more of anxious but instead of being angry/aggressive about it, I tend to be quiet and wait for the other to notice that I require more intimacy than what we already have. Also, I've always considered myself a hopeless romantic in that I dream of that very happy, intimate and romantic relationship but I'm afraid that people will perceive me as needy and clingy so I just avoid closeness and openness to protect myself but at the same time have that nagging feeling of wanting to be really close with someone e. g. holding hands, cuddling etc...
Edit (3 yrs later) since some people still interact with this and I never noticed it got this much likes and comments lol. I've definitely grown and realized some of my actions were born of my own insecurity and just the overall outlook I had when it comes to love/romantic relationships. I've since grown to be more secure in myself and realized how important communication is especially if done in the correct way. Cheers
Omg I'm so glad I'm not the only one behaving like this
Didn't expect to feel so seen at 4 am
Anxious-avoidant IS an attachment style. It's mine. I took a quiz on Dr. Diane Poole Heller's website and it described me 100%.
It’s called disorganized attachment style or fearful avoidant attachment style. Basically mixed of anxious and avoidant (which is me) 😂
Damn bro im like the exact same way
I am both B and C depending on who I am with. Sometimes I’m the “cold” one and other times I become the needy one.
Saaaame
Me!
Definitely me!
True that
This mix is called fearful avoidant
I'm avoidant, and my best friend is anxious. Weirdly, our friendship and different attachment styles has helped the two of us get closer to being secure. I know she needs signals of affection, so I go out of my way every now and then to do things that I normally wouldn't do in order to make sure she knows I care. Every time I do something like that it gets easier. And equally, she's grown to understand that time and space doesn't mean I don't love her, it's just that I'm overwhelmed and I need breathing room. It's a great case of opposites being good for one another, I think.
I was like that too with my best friend, and we certainly helped each other and had a great balance. But then she got an anxious boyfriend and she didn't need the avoidant friend anymore. So now I'm not sure if we ever helped each other get closer to secure. That's my experience, so my advice would be to always listen to each other's needs and don't take your friendship for granted, or assume the other person will be able to understand you care if you don't spell it out.
It's the same with me and my best friend and like you two we have started to understand each other's differences and develop in our own way. I think it'll be good for both of us in the long run.
the way Avoidant calmed and soothes Anxious’ head is what I’m trying to be on
Saaaame😪
:)
If only it worked the other way around too 🥺
Needy people are a headache. No matter how much you reassure them they are always unsatisfied.
The best thing about "school of life" videos is the comment section , you actually learn much more from other people's experiences and how they deal with the same shit as you do rather than only watching a video that leaves you with a lot of questions about self and not many answers.
Ikr? It's rare for such a civil and empathetic comments section on UA-cam that has a good mix of people who are more mature
Totally agree! I’m actually going to counseling for this now. I’m an anxious lover, so the square code pendant type. But the psychological term is called “codependent.” If you’re the other. It’s called “counter dependent”
We all in the same boat 🐢
It depends on the video. A few of them have had some really angry comments e.g. one with some really angry men who blamed all women for not dating them.
"You are not demented or needy to want more, but your way of dealing with what you legitimately need may be aggravating things hugely."
Damn. I was ready to roll my eyes at this video, but it really hit home.
Seeing myself as the avoidant makes me think if I can really just put the past away; I can try to form a better future. Sometimes you just gotta go with the flow. I reflected on this video and realized how I messed up my relationship with someone who is an anxious type. I didn't understand her perspective so it went south. Hopefully now I can do better. I'm hurt, not a bad person.
Imagine being in a relationship
(Edit: I don't have feelings btw so it’s basically impossible)
ahh, that was nice, ty
Cant relate lmao
.
.
.
*Cries*
Nice thought 😌
and that's on avoidant type
Imagine lmao
.
Lmao
I’m avoidant until someone really makes me feel something despite my efforts to avoid it, then I turn anxious while also contemplating if I should leave to avoid it instead
If you’re both, you’re doubly fvcked
@@soberanisfam1323 that's me. This is called disorganized type of attachement. You are anxious and avoidant at the same time
I am to... my gf is anxious and I love her but I don't know how to open up I want to work on the relationship but I don't know where to start..
@@ninjaragingpotatoes I’d say you could start by telling her exactly this! Letting her know you DO want to open up could be helpful for her, and tho you may not know where to start, that’s something you two could work on together! :)
ITS ME OH NOOOO
I'm both B and C. I take long to completely trust someone because I feel like others don't find me interesting enough to want to get to know me that well, but at the same time I get really clingy once I trust someone.
Look up anxious-avoidant attachment style
Same
#MeToo
Fuck, that describes me exactly
That's anxious
I act secure, but sometimes feel avoidant. However, I always choose to ignore my avoidant tendencies because I know they are destructive and irrational.
So far, its been working for me. I’m in a healthy and loving relationship with someone I see as my soulmate. I wholeheartedly believe the knowledge of attachment styles has greatly helped us.
I'm avoidant. This was painful to watch. I never thought I might be hurting the people closest to me. And as a woman, the expectations people have of me in any relationship are something I've never been able to meet. I try, but only later do I realize that after a certain closeness I push everyone away. As soon as my friends start to know me better I start distancing myself, I've even done this to my siblings.
I'm the same way, your not alone. I was given false description of love as a child, afterwards I grew up genuinely scared of it. Even today the thought of intimacy or closeness with someone just doesn't sit well with me.
saaaaaame . 26 & working on it
I feel the same way, sometimes I find it easier to talk and interact with strangers, but I am constantly afraid that I'll be disapointing if they get too close :/ but I'm trying to work on it, hope things get better for you too
Anjel - there’s nothing wrong with you. society should not have expectations on you simply for being a woman.
@Andrei Georgescu who are you to say that
Last time i gave reassurance they left me.
Last time i was being secure i was told i was too clingy.
Last time i kept my distance i was told i was unlovable.
Were all a big ball of damaged
Damn
Same
Ok
same same :(
I just had a déjà vu reading your comment
The square started out as option c, but then it was option b 😕
I noticed that too. Not sure how the animator missed that in editing.
Yep and it's confusing.
Someone already commented it somewhere in the answers and they said they had some issues during the productions. I was confused too but I guess it's too late now and I mean, you can still understand it it's just confusing at first lol
It totally distracted me at first but yes the video is actually great so I got over it lol
@Asia Wolfe no, if you check again, when the narrator first describes the 3 types, the triangle is the anxious one
I was definitely avoidant with an anxious partner, and I really hated myself for it.
For some reason or another I was hesitant to be more affectionate unless asked to, and my ex got incredibly upset and insecure about that as a result.
Didn't help that I only ever heard those requests when they were already mad at me, and that they felt like they shouldn't have even had to ask.
It made me constantly second guess whether I was doing enough, and what I should even do about it if not. The anxiety of knowing I should be doing more to reassure them than I was, but not being able to just force myself to do it unless they asked was awful man.
I can easily be the secure type, but having relationships with avoidant people make me feel more and more anxious. I just want to open up and feel secure, and I want them to feel secure too.
But the insecure person has to work on being secure.
Same, I think I have worked on myself enough to be secure. But then I'm in a relationship with a avoidant and the anxiety all come flooding back.
This
That could happen to most people
Oh my god... marry me
I can so relate to this
Be careful with the whole “they’re angry because they love you” thing...
I know! I'm worried people will stay in abusive relationships because of this.
@@marie-leegiroux7696 I think that one is toxic when they cannot see that what they are doing is wrong. For example, I know about a couple who had domestic abuse problems, amongst with some other things. The abuser didn't want to admit that it was wrong to physically and emotionally abuse his partner even when they went to couples counselling. I think that it's important to be honest. When you calm down, explain how you felt and why you reacted the way you did. Give them a chance to see how to reassure you
@@marie-leegiroux7696 There is a difference between anger and abuse. I think that the very definition separates them in this manner: if you feel for whatever reason that you cannot simply walk away from the argument, it's abuse
@@marie-leegiroux7696 It's absolutely amazing that you have the self-awareness that you do. I would still suggest you get counselling. As you said, it's a slippery slope. I would like to stress that one can be abusive even if they walk away. You can stop yourself mid-abusive episode. I would say one is toxic once you start hurting people with the same mistakes repeatedly. I'm so glad you want to be a better person. We should all think about how to improve ourselves. Good luck with getting help!
@@marie-leegiroux7696 Best of luck!!! 💓
1:28
Thank you for keeping your boxes correctly oriented in space during that transition.
Ikr
yet, they changed what option C is. at first is the blue square, and after the transition they changed it do the red triangle. That really bothers me for some reason.
Hello, we had a small production issue with that unfortunately. Hopefully you still enjoy the film and thank you for watching.
Thought it was me...haha!
The School of Life Of course i enjoyed it. Thanks!
It's comforting to know a term for it. I'm an anxious type. "You're hurt, not bad" that hit hard. But I needed to hear it.
This stuff should be in the standard curriculum at school!
Definitely. I’m in high school right now and I don’t know anyone who would consider themselves “secure” because developing a secure attachment style is not something that’s taught at all :(
HAHA exactly! This is what I'm thinking. Why are the stuffs like this not taught in school.
in the health classes for sure
The sad reality with school is that they only teach you what you need to be put to work for our economy. I'm grateful videos like this exist so we can make the effort and learn it ourselves.
a teenager wouldn't care about this
WELL GEE, THANKS FOR THIS AFTER THE RELATIONSHIP HAS ENDED *cries like the triangle I am*
AH SHIT HERE COMES THE FEEL TRAIN
same thing here *cries in anxious*
It's ok I cried too. I'm avoidant 😭
Same, I am anxious and my ex was avoidant :(
Same..
4:38 “When they attack you, see their longing for love.” This line really got to me, because it’s hard to express and show how much you love them without scaring off the other, or coming across as creepy. It scares me, because it feels like i have so much love to give but they might not want it.
Same here. I feel like things that I say that I consider caring for the other (like "please, don't text and drive") are taken as an attack rather than evidence that I care for their well-being. I was also the overly romantic person who shows off love with little and big details and ended up convincing myself that it was annoying and scary, so I restrain myself so people don't leave me because of my constant affection
Same
Fuck them not your problem they’re lames
I don't want it
Yes. That's EXACTLY how it feels😣
im glad my adaptability and willingness to change naturally lead me through being the anxious partner, to being avoidant, and to now finally feeling secure. i hope everyone can feel secure in their relationships at some point
After watching this and what I went through the past 6 months I'm definitely building myself into a secure attachment style . It really is self work and self awareness
And I'm currently the anxious partner
“You are hurt, not bad”
Okay well now I’m crying tf
This Video urked me. Not that the information was bad, but because, the RED triangle was Option B, and then in the next portion after establishing what the colors and shapes were, You changed the RED triangle to option C. I didn't like that. Made me feel like you weren't even sure about what you guys were trying to explain.
Exactly! I was beginning to think no one else noticed.
That bothered me also!!
I thought it was just me who noticed that. I was actúally using the shapes to track myself n not the letters. Smh
ok same here but let's test something... is everyone who got really bothered by that an avoidant type? lmao
Yes, thank you! That was confusing.
which one are you?
me: yes.
Clearly avoidant.
Lol
100%
That was funny :))
Anxious gang!!
i’m definitely an anxious and my girlfriend is 100% avoidant. we’ve had little to no intimacy in our year and a half of dating and i’ve definitely felt all those things the video said
The mixture of the avoidant plus the anxious one is the most Lethal combo. Your mind becomes a whirlwind of random feelings and you get lost in that wilderness but since you feel at a depth you know if you fall, you fall hard. That's the Fearful type. It's really scary sometimes..
Yeah I wanna hear more about being both. Because I am.
This comment made me choke up never thought id find compassion in a youtube comment section
this hit hard and loud 😂 indeed!
That be me *sigh* 😟
Yes . . . that was me. And, when I finally fell for someone I fell hard. He was purely avoidant, which was hell for me. Nonetheless, he awakened the desire to heal from my childhood damage. Now, I am secure in my relationships. To say becoming secure was damn hard, is an understatement.
Who ever thought triangles and squares could be so adorable?
this video is too cute ツ
Who ever thought that triangles and squares could be interchanged?
What about circles?
Triangle x Square
*Bruh*
So I’m avoidant and my gf is anxious, love that for us
G THIS IS ME AND MY GF BUT IN REVERSE
Otherway around for us
Your children will be a mix of both. I'am a mix of all negative characteristics my parents have. Sometimes i hate them for that. I don't want children because they will be probably worse than me (mentally)
Just Me // well we’re gay so we can’t have children biologically😅
they won’t have our bad genes yay
Omg same . So beautiful
I think one of the main things that we need to remember is the importance to HEAL through our attachment issues and not become complacent with the pain we carry. By healing, we come closer to wholeness and we can love others better and ourselves deeper. We will never be victorious if we settle in victimhood. This looks different for each person, and sometimes therapy and true vulnerability with how you truly feel is the only way to see the beginning to your end. This does not mean to stay in a relationship that is abusive or traumatic, especially if the two can not work as a team to and for each other.
Did anyone get an ad about attachment style before this 😂
Yes🤣🤦🏼♀️
Same,
Yes thank you!
"you wanna know what the biggest secret to a relationship is"
*Skips
Omg yes
"If people makes you sick, you have to cook them better" - Hannibal Lector
😂😂😂
lmao
He is my god now
More like Cannibal Lector.
P r e a c h
That hair ruffle and cuddle of triangle and square over tea was way too cute
I always admire the illustrations in your videos;
That a circle is given for secure attachment.
A square for anxious attachment.
And a triangle for avoidant attachment.
This has been sticking with me all day cuz it's the reason I've lost close relationships.... I'm avoidant until I'm not... Then I'm anxiously attached.
oh my god SAME!!! i couldnt have worded it better
My avoidant parter started out AMAZING - randomly asking me "what do you need right now? In such a genuine way. I was impressed. (I didnt need anything) - Then after 3 months I get told after a great day out - "Im just letting you know my walls are up, claiming she didnt know why) - Shes a Psychology Major........from then on I was the enemy. I should have walked right then.
exactly
@@Paul-tq3tn Glad she dumped you
@@ElChuntyCabra So am I. What a nightmare life could have been living with that.
My attachment style is running away before I get attached
Dawn -- that's avoidant, then.
Question: can one be both anxious and avoidant?
Cause I’m it.
Yes, the theory has later been developed further.
I will just copy a comment by "JTaylortrois" because it explains it well:
"This is based off research of the 1980's, in the early 1990's they made 4 types for adult-attachment: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. Fearful-avoidant people combine elements of anxious and avoidant. The way I think of it is D-A people are sub-consciously afraid of rejection (despite typically feeling confident about themselves) so they refuse to get close to people while F-A people really want to be close to others but are badly traumatized by past experiences and associate closeness with fear and/or resentment towards the other. Also, adults tend to be classified on a anxiety-avoidance x-y axis and not specifically one type or the other."
Ronja Instanes love it. Thank you so much
Yes. Fearful avoidant. I’m one too
Me too.
it's called being a scorpio :(
I tested disorganized/fearful-avoidant and the results described me so perfectly. I'm afraid people won't care about me as much as I care about them, but I'm also afraid to show any of that so 95% of the time I just keep people at arm's length while hoping that someone will, I don't know, read my mind or something and realize how much I need them.
The thing I don't understand is why I am this way. The test I took says that the vast majority of people with this attachment style develop it as a result of learning to fear their primary caregiver at a young age, but I grew up in a secure, loving home with parents and siblings who I have always had very good relationships with. There was some disconnect in feeling like they valued the things I was passionate about, but that hardly seems significant enough to mess me up like this.
I'm thirty years old and this is becoming debilitating for me. The longer you've been isolated, the less you know how to form relationships, and the more isolated you become. It's the definition of a vicious cycle. I just wish I understood this better and had any idea how to overcome it.
I’ve had some therapy in the past and it really helps
please remember people....these are ways of categorizing and making sense of these complex emotions and relationship dynamics. This A,B,C way of explanation is super helpful, but you are not just either A,B or C but more or less a combo of the 3 depending on your current status. I for one am generally more avoidant but in moments feel very secure but still have an underlying paranoia and can feel "needy". What I really want to communicate though is that you can change and tweak out some of the unhealthy attachments you feel you need for another. No one is perfect and or fully secure and if you feel you are I think you have a bigger issue haha. Be Brave and Transparent!!!!!
I agree ... and the older I get the more I see that honesty is the way to go. Just say how you feel and be really honest about it. If you like someone, tell them, as hard as it might be to get he words out of your mouth ... if so, write it down: send them a cute note. "I like you. Here is my # ... etc."
:)
Everyone is too afraid to look stupid. Life is too short. I'm 44 now and am starting to really see that - be the first one to make a move. I've been doing that more and more lately and am finding more satisfaction in my life. Not to mention - feeling proud of myself in the process!
Yes, well said. I'm not a fan of how the video presented it all as too black & white, that you're either this or that. We humans are more complex than that.
I believe that attachment styles are more based on a spectrum rather than this black-and-white based thinking. For example, my partner has a slight avoidant style, but is no where near as intense as this video portrays. You can be a little bit of something without being all of it.
Well said!
@@MatthewAshworth I think the presented it the way they did BECAUSE emotions are so complicated. It is easier to grasp for people to categorize these types but you figure out that you're not just one but a mix of everything.
Whooooah just watched this with my husband and it was so spot on it’s frightening. Me being the avoidant, him being anxious... it’s often super frustrating for me having him be so “clingy” but he’s never had a previous relationship like I’ve had and this video just opened our eyes!
We’ve learned to deal with our differing “attachment styles” in our own ways which works most of the time... but I’m interested to learn a bit more about how we can deal with these issues a little better in the future! Great video minus the shapes mix up haha!
I am genuinely curious -- how do you guys deal with these opposing attachment styles?
Bobbie Pins through sex and facetimes... jk but not really 😉
I developed this theory as a teenager with my friend, we called it "cold and warm people" because we were both emotionally warm (anxious) types in relationships with cold people (avoidant types)^^ I knew about attachment theory before, but the statements in this video were just so painfully accurate and relatable to my exact situation and thoughts that it made me cry like a baby
Cold and warm people omg that is such a good description.
More like ice cold and burning hot. Neither are pleasant sensations
If we can break the link between feeling tones and craving.If we can be with the pleasant and not chase after it ,with the unpleasant and not resist it.With the neutral and not ignore it ,then you have cut the chain of suffering at least for a time.That is an incredible freedom and blessing.
‐Rick Hanson,Buddha's Brain
Wow! I have never heard these ideas before, and they exploded like fireworks, filling me with understanding, pain, and hope. How can we not love Alain de Botton and his amazing colleagues at The School of Life? Their gifts are many and marvelous! And this animation is beyond superb!
That fireworks line is really good, do you mind if I keep it?
francesca francesca Please do! Thank you for your kind words.
@@graemeroberts2935 Oh, thank you! Now I have a beautiful new expression in my vocabulary.
I’m so glad someone said this out loud. I feel that this is the most underrated channel on UA-cam
@@drbadzer 100% agree.
Humans are so complicated 😩
That’s a nicer way of saying “fucked up” lmfao!
Yet so simple
At least we're not preying mantis tho
Our species should be destroyed.
Silly Rabbit why?
I'm 29 and haven't been close to anybody since I was in elementary school. Over the years I've found that the way I behave towards others is often reflective of how I perceive how others treat me. So when I'm cold, distant, avoident, standoffish, uncaring, or just disinterested in others in general, I wished people would understand that I'm broken and have always been in need of positive attention.
I relate to this!
Windrake101 so you gon do anything to fix it or you just gon cry about it? That’s what I told myself and it’s been pretty up hill since then
Talking to me.!
@@camila4918 yeah, as tragic as it is, we can't expect others to be mind readers, and sometimes we need to push ourselves out of our comfort zones and do something scary and risky (honesty, affection, trust) to change it
camila
Preach. Be the person you want to see/befriend/date. Improve yourself as best you can.
Most people don't fall entirely into one or other category, much will depend on the dynamic of a given relationship. Just by way of example, in my last two relationships I was very much anxious in one and then largely secure with a dash of avoidant in the other. I probably tend more towards anxious than avoidant. But I wasn't at all anxious in my most recent relationship. Some people fall into the extremes, for sure, and will display that attachment style almost regardless of the character of the relationship. But they are the exception. Most people are capable of being anxious, secure and avoidant in relationships, depending on the dynamic at play.
That’s so true as well
“You are hurt, not bad” literally made me start crying hahaaahaha
Would you cry to this short animation too? ua-cam.com/video/ELjgTs7BFC4/v-deo.html
I think understanding our partners attachment style is key to a happy marriage.
I wish I'd had access to this kind of.kmowledge when I first started dating
You may understand someone, that doesn't mean you'll accept them how they really are or think about some subjects. More than that I would say acceptance should be key in that case, even if you disagree with your partner. The idea of changing someonelse's behaviour just because it doesn't fit with yours it's detrimental in a long-term. Understanding is a step, however willing to embrace differences may help you in order to have a joyful relationship, that leads us to something more relevant as well, communication.
Cheers!
With the rise of Jordan Peterson as a star of the intellectual scene, I'm more and more convinced that psychology is one of the most important fields of knowledge, I'd go as far as to say that it needs to be part of education curriculums, it can help a lot with the process of understanding oneself.
Sandra D *affect*
(effect is something else)
and your own..
Usually .rar or .zip and no more than 10MB in size. And always virus scan before downloading other formats as attachments.
I see you are the anxious type
Lmao
@VtochkaGtochka it was a joke chill
.
I love your comment xD that's time-spirit like we say in german
I'm avoidant until I'm secure. I've never been anxious and being with an anxious partner always causes me to RUN. They often overwhelm me before I feel comfortable enough to open up more. It's baby steps being vulnerable and intimate for me and the fact I *am* getting closer is often overlooked by an anxious type. It's kind of exhausting. I'm never ever gonna be in a rush to say "I love you" because I want to feel deeply that I mean it.
Yeah..... and the statements like " you treat me like shit" when you have done absolutely nothing is really confusing and alarming.
Well this would have been helpful YESTERDAY
lmaoo same
I'm avoidant as fuck. No point in going into a relationship if you're just going to get crushed in the end, but after years with this mentality I've learned to be content with it and love the single life
yup. basically
Glad you're not hurting people
I am the exact same way.
Sounds like you’re terrified of pain. Here’s the thing dude. Pain is inevitable. It’s a part of life. The truth is, people are going to leave you, betray you, hurt you. They’re even going to die. Whether u remain guarded or not, you’re going to get hurt. But here’s the secret. If u remain unguarded, if you allow yourself to love, you open yourself to more pain, yes. But also to intimacy and vulnerability. You open yourself to loving others and being loved. Everything in this world is impermanent. Everything is fleeting. But that’s why we should make the most out of every moment in this life. Never take a moment of bliss for granted, just as we shouldn’t sink into our grief. Feel it all without fear. I can’t promise you you won’t get hurt. But you’ll definitely suffer a lot less.
sexykoreanchic123 man I need to learn to be okay with vulnerability. I like your comment :)
1:34 square is c
1:55 square is b
This flipped the avoidant and anxious questions with their definitions
I have OCD and this is driving me crazy
I do not have OCD and this is driving me crazy too
I saw that tooo. I was like how is option B “avoidant”???
Idk what’s what anymore watched this like 3 times and I still don’t know what the triangle and square are supposed to represent fuuuuuck
the 1:55 mark is wrong, there B and C are switched.
the description of the anxious partner made me feel so understood. I thought I was the only person who felt this way.
I was Anxious-avoidant, yet mostly anxious. After being in a relationship with a purely avoidant man for nearly 3 years I've now become secure. I walked away from him. He helped me realize that I deserve to have a mature love. I deserve to have someone who loves me securely, just as I will now love that someone securely. I've done so much internal work these past three 3 years. I will never tolerate disrespect and apathetic disregard from someone ever again.
Wow! Go you! Nailed it.
proud of you, great job!^^
i wish i could do the same with my partner. it's killing me. everybody's telling me to get out but i can't bring myself to
@@dre9281 maybe be honest with them about your needs? It helps alot if you explain exactly what you want and need because a partner is most likely willing to work together with you and improve on what you've build.
im somewhere between secure and anxious, working my way into being totally secure. currently in a relationship with someone showing signs of the avoidant type who sometimes can also shows security, and it is really really hard right now. i cried watching this video, but thanks for the enlightenment.
Athali N. Yep, this is relatable. Part of working on becoming secure (for me) has involved making the choice to leave relationships when I'm not getting the kind of consistent communication/emotional availability I need. I grew up with an emotionally unpredictable mother and so I'm trying to break my somewhat codependent tendencies. It's especially hard to leave when there are so many good things about a relationship, but sometimes it's clear that a person won't change. The question is: am I willing to accept less than I need and essentially self-harm by doing this?
Athali N. Go to God his the only one who could give you the kind of love and compassion you need, put your trust in his son Jesus Christ,God so love the world that he gave his only son so who ever believes in him shall be saved, I pray that you come to the know Jesus personally as your saver.
Bruh I always knew I was avoidant but as he mentioned the things to keep in mind when you're avoidant, everything just hit home... And as he offered the advice y'all, I started tearing up. School of Life out here making me feel EMOTIONS
literally had the same experience
😭
I was the avoidant with an anxious-type partner. She had panic attacks every time our dates were coming to an end, and even though I'd hold her and comfort her, I remember feeling so incredibly tense, frustrated, and annoyed. It got to the point where I had some sort of 'panic' attack during our date where just sensing the presence of her behind me, waiting both anxiously and patiently, made my blood boil. I remember vividly the purple flowers around our forest picnic. They were all I could stand to look at.
Both of you sound mentally ill
When you have an anxious attachment style
My boyfriend: *sighs*
Me: are you okay? Was it something I did? What did I do? I’m so sorry please don’t leave me I know I’m annoying
Pugsy doo i’m the male version of this... it causes sooo many problems... the man is supposed to be the rock and I can’t be strong at all...
sory4beinanonymous hey, hang in there. The guys shouldn’t always have to be strong and that goes for you too. You get to be as strong as you want to be and I’m sure any girl would be lucky with you 😊
You remind me of a guy that I used to know. Friends but slightly interested in each other.
I tried to be nice but he was so attached to me, he got in the way of my goals, and being to avoidant type, I absolutely hated it. So I needed to put a temporary stop to this because of how overwhelming it is. But he understood it the other way and now he ignores my existence.
I now feel very sorry bacause I failed to understand him, and clear things up. But for now I don't think I can be with an anxious type, maybe after some practice and preparations.
I wonder what type is your boyfriend?
Moods Moody we’re both anxious types so we kinda work and get weirdly secure because we’re both clingy but the good part is neither of us are very jealous or angry or get in each other’s way we both want the best for each other sometimes we just think the other is mad when they aren’t that’s pretty much all we get worried about hurting each other’s feelings so it doesn’t put a dent in our relationship it just is hard to understand each other when we aren’t together.
@@Smokey_Cookies oooh since you both are similar you understand each other!
It's so nice hearing you are both encouraging of each other!
I hope the best for both of you ❤
Although I feel secure with my partner and I always found it so easy to communicate and be intimate with him, I realised that with friends I am very avoidant.. I'm very warm and open at first, but it's terribly hard to keep that long-term, to open up and share my feelings with them, to respond to their emotional needs. Because of that, I don't really have a best friend with whom I would share anything, although I have many good friends.
I’ve always thought I’m the only one feeling this way 😨
I m wondering whether I care about my partner but not so much about my friends may be about life philosophy/beliefs and not about attachment style?
I thought something was wrong with me. Good to know others are this way as well.
@@bustamovehaha i felt the same way all my life. what you need if you want to change is a good therapist+ do zen meditasjon/yoga to get stress out of the brain and body ( ore other mind/body exercise). this is to get the fight/flight/freeze energy out of the nervussystem ( you think its all in your head, but its not... its 50% in the body) . it can take time to find a good therapist most of them are useless narcissists ore pleasers who dont dare to ask questions ore just project themself on you . When you start to change people around you start to change, then you see.
ughh i feel like that too! before i had my first long-term relationship i was scared that my partner could annoy or bore me as soon as i know them too well. but it was only this way with friends, every time i hanged out too much with them and knew them well, i started to distance myself, because the little things annoyed me. maybe thats also why i never had a best friend for a long time.
i mean, sometimes this annoyance happened with my partner as well, but most times i love the little things and the unconscious behaviour and noises they made.
it still leaves me behind with a question mark though.
“You are hurt- not bad” got to me with his soft voice 😭
I definitely fall under the “secure” attachment style, because my family have always loved me unconditionally, and I have a healthy sense of self-esteem, so why would I worry about people turning on me for no reason? I love my friends and family freely, and I’m not afraid to make friends and be kind to people , but at the same time, I don’t let most people get too close, and I won’t bare my soul to anyone who I don’t trust completely, which is very few people 😂 I suspect years of being bullied as a child has caused this contraction, I love people and I don’t think most of them are bad, but some part of me is definitely still wary!
I think I’m an avoidant and I find other avoidant people and we both just avoid each other and move away when one or the other attempts closeness.
I think now that you are aware of your avoidant patterns, it can be a bit easier to change them
ahaha my bestfriend is a guy and there are months we dont talk and we both avoidant we still close as heckk and it's been 7yrs of friendship😂😂😂
Same ahahah (my whole life is a fucking mess😂)
I have a genius solution. Just don't fall in love or interact with others at all.
Found the avoidant
Works for me
But is it really worth it?
thanks
Yup, just like how I've been living
Today, wherever you go, carry the intention of peace, love, and harmony in your heart.
T.BONE/SIDE OF LIFE where can I find peace, full, and harmony? the black market?
Namaste :)
Will do.
This video is perfect for me and my SO. Genuinely perfect for us. After watching it gave a deeper understanding on what I can work on and how I can better cope with not just myself but her as well. I'm avoidant as hell and hearing this helped realize I'm not unconsciously being an asshole like I thought. Thank you.
It’s so good to hear a real relationship. It’s so hard for me in this dating pool