I have always *passionately* hated the idea that you "have" to forgive to move on from a wrong that's been done to you. It creates this unspoken dynamic that if you don't forgive, now *you're* doing something wrong, now *you're* the one with the problem. It puts the burden and pressure on the injured party to forgive or be viewed as a bad person. All you're doing is causing more grief for the injured party, because when they're pressured into saying or doing something they don't really feel, it only adds to the bad feelings they already had. Forgiveness is like love. If you have to coerce me into saying it, it isn't real. And if it isn't real, then what even is the point of saying it?
Forgiveness is a difficult thing to practice because it feels like you're condoning that behavior that hurt you but what it really is is an act of self love to let go of the hurt, resentment and anger toward the person or people who hurt you. Forgiveness isn't for them it's for you
@@karenlenk1724 Well then it should be called Letting Go. Forgiveness is the wrong word in so many instances. "Give" anything to the offender. No thanks.
Victims do not have to forgive their abusers. Sometimes boundaries are necessary to heal. Letting go of connections to an abuser can be liberating and a path to self-acceptance and love. We can choose to love ourselves and let the abusers go on their way, never to hurt us again.
Ruben Thompson You shouldn’t scare us into religion. You can believe what you want to believe. Just don’t force it on others. Not all of us believe in God.
I agree with the boundaries. If the abuser did something severe that offended the victim, the victim can set boundaries on the abuser so that way the abuser learns his/her lesson. But I do agree that the victim should eventually forgive the abuser. I mean as long as the abuser learns from their mistakes and makes some changes, the victim should indeed forgive the abuser. We humans make mistakes lots of times. There is nothing wrong with that. But what is wrong is not learning from them and continuing on making them.
This is a great video society always tells people that we should forgive people regardless of what they do, but there are some people who just enjoy making other people suffer. Forcing the victims to forgive there abusers whilst letting the abusers get off easy. I think there should be balance between forgiving and not forgiving someone, its all down to the choice of the victims. But most importantly we should learn to move one, learn from what has happened to us and become better people.
I know Im asking the wrong place but does someone know a method to log back into an Instagram account? I somehow lost my password. I would love any help you can offer me
@Amos Jaxx Thanks so much for your reply. I found the site thru google and I'm waiting for the hacking stuff atm. I see it takes a while so I will get back to you later when my account password hopefully is recovered.
Not everyone who’s wronged you deserves forgiveness. Instead of forgiving them, forgive yourself for being unforgiving. For me, retaining that bad memory serves as a source of strength and does not make me weak. Forgiveness is a major privilege. Don’t give it for free. I can move on with life peacefully knowing that the people who did bad things to me will soon find karma lying in wait. 😉
I totally agree with you on this. We shouldn’t be trying to force ourselves to forgive other because that would only cause more pain. We need to take time to heal and if we don’t, that’s okay. I had to learn this the hard way.
@@eliefosso7215 see no one said anything about a grudge... naturally people whom are wronged tend to set firm boundaries with the abuser who wronged them and ACCEPT AND MOVE ON. You accept that it has happened to u... that’s not holding a grudge. Healing and acceptance Isn’t for them. None of this is for them, you don’t NEED to have any contact with them. I mean listen if you hold a grudge then u aren’t healed. By all means if YOU feel the need to forgive I mean be my guest but it’s totally not necessary to heal yourself.
Never heard a TED talkI related to so much. So emotional and healing to hear. Thank you for sharing your story that is sadly the story of so many who stay hidden in the darkness of that shame and pain you spoke of. God bless you.
I dont believe in forgiveness, I believe in healing and letting go your own resentment and bitterness towards person involved. Forgive yourself and process what the experience taught you and learn .
@@ayelethashahar8807 I respond by allowing any bitterness or resentment towards past trauma or bad treatment to surface,breath and relax around it and observe,accept it needs to come out.Give it some space without getting caught up with it and it naturally moves on and in time becomes less and less. Focusing on what makes your world fulfilling,kindness,gratitude, staying healthy,helping others if you can,learning new skills, relationships,spirituality.. this is healing 🙏❤
What a beautiful talk from a wonderful spirit. Forgiveness is not necessary because “Love does not hold a grudge.” Beautiful! And to paraphrase Jung “He who looks outside dreams; he hooks inside awakens.” Very smart ❤
It’s not that we believe that we are worthless, it’s the fact that others that supposed to care for us openly show us that we don’t mean anything to them.
It's religion that demands it. Yes, we hear this repeatedly. You can choose love , but when the memory returns the forgiveness issue returns. It's a multi faceted issue. Not everyone has any remorse at all. Healing is important but not every wrong can ever be righted. Some have perpetual damages. If you can forgive and love never forget.
@@memyselfandi8544 threatening? Blackmailing and scaring is what religious evilness do since the dark ages. You are the prove that this evilness have been reproducing all this time. Hoped they would have been rooted out.
I find this a sad comment, but I agree that responding to the one who has done the hurt can be helpful. It can be tricky to communicate effectively in the heat of the moment, so chose wisely. But the ability to confront can help the one hurt divest themselves of feeling such a victim and move on.
Colossians 3:12-13 Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.
"Forgiveness is a fundamental weakness that incapacitates you and chops you up into irresistible fodder ready to be eagerly devoured by the next hungry offender who impatiently waits while his predecessor gets his free pass." - ME.
Forgiving someone allows them to not hold themselves responsible for the pain they have caused you. I’ve noticed that when I forgave, i allowed that person to continue to hurt me, because if I only forgave them, maybe it would get better, maybe they would see how bad they hurt me.
very true, i was thinking about the same .. people don't get it when you forgive them instead they keep doing the same cause they know they got away with it
Absolutely amazing speech. I went through every form of abuse from my mother as well and am now training to be a shaman. Thank you for sharing your story.
Forgiveness should be given when the other person or party changes. Or, if it is something where they really did a major change or shown actions to do so. Like one of my High School Bullies. He apologized later in life for how he was not good to me when we were teenagers. He admitted that he was responsible to let drugs, alcohol, and the wrong people influence him to let him act the way in which he was. Now, we are good friends, and he has become an empath to me when I have my dark days. Him being to rehab and counseling has had me go to him when I feel lost or in trouble. I try to be there for him, and his family too.
If I waited for someone to change before I could forgive them I would be waiting for a very long time with the burden of anger.Your friend is the exception.Forgiveness is to heal YOU not them whether they change or not.
Christians are called to forgive one another (Matthew 6:14); however, God never tells us that we must forgive and forget.We can forgive others without forgetting what they have done.
Nope, religion pressures to forgive. Forgiveness is giving your abuser another chance, and not everyone deserves another chance, certainly not an abuser. And by the way, there is no scientific proof of god. Truth is the best therapy.
I knew someone that continued to make cause the same pain on others, over and over. Hiding behind God, never feeling bad for any of it. I felt content when I didn't forgive him and even when he died, I didn't regret speaking to him when he tried. The only reason he quit doing what he did, because he no longer had the physical strength. I cannot forgive a person that is forced to be sorry.
I can forgive the person who accidently ran me over and stayed by my side til the paramedic arrived, but to my bio dad who told me my mother would have been better off if I died, F that guy.
Well said! IMO, To say such things, They are already dead inside. The living dead use their own untreated pain to inflict as much pain, and trauma, on others as they can. In tantrum mode they use words as weapons. That is their greatest weakness. Showing the world who they really are!
It's wrong to forgive. Forgiveness means accepting injustice. It's the highest cost to human life and why we suffer to begin with. I never forgive unless it's necessary. Experience taught me it's often unnecessary. People who forgive are those who have done wrong in life too and they expect all humans to do wrong.
The Forgiveness process worked and you had the resultant Spiritual experience. It is now automatic for you, and those who “know not what they do”they will continue to suffer for they know not that “ one” only does it to the self not to others. Bless you on your continued journey.
I was told I had to forgive and I did within myself not to the person not to the people, and I just felt awful I even forgave myself long with forgiving them. Then one day I was listening to a video of a clinical psychologist, I wish I had saved the video it was such a strong moment for me I didn't, so I don't know what her name was. She said "you don't have to forgive unless you want to forgive but you do not have to forgive." I immediately Quit feeling bad about it I Quit feeling sick over feeling like I had to forgive over being told I had to forgive I felt bad that I was told that I had to forgive in order to heal and that just made me feel worse. And God knows that I have been in pain long enough and he would not want me to feel hurt anymore for another second. And it's okay having that clinical psychologists told me it was okay that I did not have to forgive and I have felt fine about it ever since and I pass this message on whenever I'm encountered with a subject about forgiveness. Being told we have to forgive unless we want to is b u l l s h t. And be aware if you have been traumatized and this is the situation you're feeling like you need to forgive on, that person could be a narcissist and if you have never studied narcissism that one word will open up a whole new world to you. To forgive someone who sees you as mere entertainment when they hurt you is ridiculous. Period. Instead of wasting your time on even thinking you need to forgive do this instead, study narcissism extensively. Studying what the exact subject is of the person that hurt you studying their personality their psychopathy, is the single most healing modality. This requires three months of solid like it's your full-time job studying 16 hours a day just for getting started including several years and for a lifelong time thereafter.
I don't believe in forgiveness as a way to move on. I've always hated to hear from a victim, "My God tells me that I have to forgive you..." I'd rather have the chip on my shoulder and use it as fuel as my truth than a falsehood regarding forgiveness..
LOVE this ! Love actually equals forgiveness or indeed remembering who we REALLY are, makes all the rest NOT necessary !!! Remembering who we TRULY are IS the key to EVERYTHING !!! THAT is how the world and Life will get BETTER ! Know that YOU are LOVE and that that is EVERYTHING you will ever need for your stay here on Earth and beyond !
Thank you, thank you for this Carmelle, you bring things together to the place of love. That is what you have done for me. So grateful to have found you.
My last therapist suggested/demanded in the only group therapy I have had with my parents in my 30+ years of life that I HAD to forgive my siblings (that had mentally, physically and psychologically abused me) to move on with my life. This was in my birthday btw. Not only my insomnia and eating habits got worse, but also my relationship in general with my family. Good news is: she's not my therapist anymore, I guess.
You are a beautiful lotus that has grown out of a muddy pond, Carmelle. I am so happy for you although my circumstances were of a lesser degree, I hope to transform my life like you. Thanks for the inspiration and giving me hope that it is possible.
My world has been so changed by this woman why isn’t this Ted talk more watched? It’s really sad because I think this could really help people at this time.
There's a culture around forgiveness that's always seemed a weird victim blaming cult to me Like, is weird how people seem to be more angry at someone not forgiving an abuser than at the abuse itself
To forgive is a feeling, you feel it when you forgive. Just like when you feel it inside of you when you love or when you trust. You cannot force feelings, even when tortured or threatened or taught. So, what's the use to say I forgive? Nothing, just words. If you dont feel the forgiveness then better let go of the person(s) who hurt you. Remember, you have only one live, move on and give your live another chance. There are about 8 billion people on this planet to choose from.
I went to a guided meditation session this morning....it was about forgiveness...and on the way home, I asked myself this very question...I found forgiveness a lifeline of soothing, as a younger person, when I dealt with hurts more egoistically, but I have since found the unconditional love in my soul...and I, too have found I no longer have anything to forgive. My inner peace is what I work on if I get into a tricky situation. Once my peace is restored, I can disregard the “wrong” as though it is of no importance. We are all one..energy, and dust of the earth, negotiating the path of life we are currently in. Love is indeed the road to freedom.
Beautiful and insightful. Being aware that we make up stories as children about the events that took place can really create a space for love when there was no possibility for it before.
Some people don’t deserve forgiveness and I mean the lowest of society that have no remorse or empathy. Normal people deserve forgiveness. Also that “they didn’t know any better” bs. I would never abuse a child or neglect to protect them but that’s all I know. People can either choose to be an abuser or take responsibility for their trauma.
Forgiveness is not for the benefit of the other person... and it does not matter if they deserve it... I is to make you free from the other person. You forgive another person to set yourself free
You shouldn’t let the nature of others affect your own. Reminds me of a story- two monks where down by a steam washing their clothes, when the older month saw that a scorpion had fallen in the stream, and would drown if left. The monk reached it and grabbed the scorpion to save it, and in doing so was stung by the scorpion badly in his hand. The scorpion fell in the stream again, the older monk that had already been stung once, and had a very saw hand, put down what he was cleaning and began moving towards wear the scorpion had fallen in. The younger monk who was with him asked what he was doing? And said that the scorpion would only sting you again when you try to save it. The old monk said “ it is in the scorpions nature to sting, but it is in my nature to save” The moral is to try and stick to who you are-
Forgive who you can forgive for now and those you can't forgive, just give it time. Don't rush the process, everything in life has its due including forgiveness
my narcopath abuser knowingly abuses me. and he grew up in a non abusive home. he didt learn this behavior. he chose it. because he gets off of hurting others maliciously.
Forgiveness isn’t really the issue….I choose not to ever let those people close to me again because I value myself. Betrayal is never forgotten in your heart when it’s from family members who loved you your whole and then one day kick you in the stomach….blindsided with the biggest sucker punch of my life. And they could care less what they did to me. Forgiveness isn’t the issue….boundaries are. It’s about self respect and self love. They’ll never be allowed in my life again 🙁 I will never allow them to hurt me again…
Saying Never Only Confirms Your Bitterness Hatred and Anger You Have Inside Especially if the People Regretted What They Did If You Don't Know God, then I Understand Your Unwillingness to Forgive But As A Victim of Abuse, Forgiveness Can Unlock Peace
Many people in the comment section didn't get the point. She does not say: 'do not forgive', but rather, 'If you LOVE, forgiveness becomes obsolete because your love and compassion for the person who wronged you are bigger than your resentment'. If you understand that this person acted that way because of his own regrets, shames and fears, resulting from his own life experiences, it becomes easier to understand him and to 'love' him. It's not a personal, intimate love, but a universal love and understanding for mankind and for the fact that we all make so many mistakes. That love conquers everything. Take an honest look in the mirror: YOU have also wronged people - more than you realize.
Self absolution cuts you from being tied to unresolved negative emotions when you forgive somebody you say what has happened is okay but if you practice self absolution it says I can move on from the action that was not okay by releasing the anger pain or desire for vengeance I choose self absolution over forgiveness
Acceptance of life is key. Life is hard. Forgiveness is for oneself to benefit from. Love? What is it? Love isn’t a “feeling”. It’s action that counts. Betrayal hurts. Betraying oneself is something we are taught. Stop it. Don’t ever betray yourself. You are the air traffic controller. Your hostages are the planes you keep circling around. Do yourself a favor and land the planes. Allow the passengers, your resentments, to disembark. They look like people who did you wrong. Let them go. You are not obligated to reconcile with anyone. I do recommend you reconcile with yourself though. Live forward in humility and create that rich inner life discussed herein. Set yourself free…you set everyone free.
I’ll also say this so that I can clear the smoke. A lot of people have this idea that the change of heart of the perpetrator is contingent on whether they’re forgiven by their victim(s). This is a very false narrative hence the problems that we see in the church in this regard. If you, the offender, are repentant/sorry for your offenses them it would be consistent whether the victim forgives you or not. It’s not conditional. Really, this is just a way for the offender to obfuscate self accountability, feelings of shame & guilt, onto the victim hence this being a form of mental & emotional manipulation. As Christians we already know that’s not of God. That’s of the enemy as it displays a sense of selfishness and egoism of the offender. The offender would’ve been more sincere in not repenting & apologizing! Let your repentance, self forgiveness, and sense of sorry be genuine or just don’t do it at all. God bless and peace.
If I do not expect people to forgive me when I accidentally say something that sounds like I have an attitude, I do not expect to forgive my worst abuser. I let him go. I felt the feelings as memories popped up through the years, and went through therapy, and then I stopped feeling anything about him. I realized he didn’t care about me when he hurt me, exploited me, and tried to kill me. He didn’t even care when he put on a show of it… so why should I feel anything about him now? I don’t call it forgiveness. I think people use that word to mean too many things. They just think it makes them sound like good people. But for me, I’d rather call it what it is. It’s just an absence of anger because I don’t need it now, and it feels good. Forgiveness sounds too kind for him. It implies I have some sort of basic human affection, but I don’t, and I don’t miss it.
And what about when it wasn’t a “mistake “?… what about those who intentionally hurt you… those who repeatedly look for new ways to hurt you? Those who target you and you can’t escape from? I said to someone, “this will never be over until one of us is dead.”… not even the restraining order would stop it… in the next couple of months I had a stress induced heart attack… I survived… 4 months and 1 week after that, they had a drug induced heart attack or cardiac arrest… and it was over… mostly… I still carry it, but it’s not as heavy anymore
I actually got disturbed when she said "we all make mistakes." That's terribly invalidating to many people who've suffered major trauma due to repeated violence towards them, continually abusing someone is not a mistake. That part of her speech made her overall message weak for me
This was heartfelt, raw and honest. I loved it but disagreed that "forgiveness is unnecessary." Shew just is defining it a little differently, but you have to listen to this to see where she is coming from. Love and compassion is what makes forgiveness possible.
Don't forgive anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself... even if it's not that big deal... they're just like that... don't forgive them... just don't think about them...if you think about forgiving them that means they did something for you...and if they did something for you... that means they don't even deserve to think about them... isn't this a better way to think about things? A lot of people we are judgemental and superficial people...but way more people aren't...so forget those people and believe in yourself...you know why you decided to cut them off your life so stop feeling bad about yourself...power is in moving on and love yourself...not in holding on and forgiving the ones who made you feel bad about yourself...power is in not caring about them... power is in appreciating yourself... power is when you find inner happiness in your life... power is when sometimes even if you're lonely you don't go to the same place and people that made you feel so... even if they apologized.. don't you think that they hurt you first?and that it's so selfish from them to want you back in their life?....move on...you deserve better...
i still believe in forgiveness, for me it begins with being at peace with what happened..letting other people's actions define us will only create a victim mentality..responding with compassion helps.. addressing your own issues is hard but for me it is better than carrying a lot of baggages i don't need, it will only lead into constant toxic cycles.. we all deserve better, we all deserve to forgive, we all deserve to heal and be free 🕊️
I have always *passionately* hated the idea that you "have" to forgive to move on from a wrong that's been done to you. It creates this unspoken dynamic that if you don't forgive, now *you're* doing something wrong, now *you're* the one with the problem. It puts the burden and pressure on the injured party to forgive or be viewed as a bad person. All you're doing is causing more grief for the injured party, because when they're pressured into saying or doing something they don't really feel, it only adds to the bad feelings they already had.
Forgiveness is like love. If you have to coerce me into saying it, it isn't real. And if it isn't real, then what even is the point of saying it?
THIS is the best explanation and belief that I carry myself. Thank you!
💯
Forgiveness is a difficult thing to practice because it feels like you're condoning that behavior that hurt you but what it really is is an act of self love to let go of the hurt, resentment and anger toward the person or people who hurt you. Forgiveness isn't for them it's for you
@@karenlenk1724 It doesn't feel like it's for me... it feels like a chore to appease people like you who preach this nonsense.
@@karenlenk1724 Well then it should be called Letting Go. Forgiveness is the wrong word in so many instances. "Give" anything to the offender. No thanks.
Sometimes forgiveness isn’t necessary; acceptance is.
no
When Possible Forgiveness is Always Necessary
Will You Believe a Fallen Broken? Person
Or God?
@@sarubet8725speak for yourself
No , that’s even worse
acceptance as in "okay this bad thing happened, since it's part of my life I should accept it to grow from it."
Victims do not have to forgive their abusers. Sometimes boundaries are necessary to heal. Letting go of connections to an abuser can be liberating and a path to self-acceptance and love. We can choose to love ourselves and let the abusers go on their way, never to hurt us again.
This is true!
Ruben Thompson You shouldn’t scare us into religion. You can believe what you want to believe. Just don’t force it on others. Not all of us believe in God.
I totally agree with you on this!!!!
I agree with the boundaries. If the abuser did something severe that offended the victim, the victim can set boundaries on the abuser so that way the abuser learns his/her lesson.
But I do agree that the victim should eventually forgive the abuser. I mean as long as the abuser learns from their mistakes and makes some changes, the victim should indeed forgive the abuser.
We humans make mistakes lots of times. There is nothing wrong with that. But what is wrong is not learning from them and continuing on making them.
One is not obliged to forgive. Morality shall remain stringent.
This is a great video society always tells people that we should forgive people regardless of what they do, but there are some people who just enjoy making other people suffer. Forcing the victims to forgive there abusers whilst letting the abusers get off easy. I think there should be balance between forgiving and not forgiving someone, its all down to the choice of the victims.
But most importantly we should learn to move one, learn from what has happened to us and become better people.
I agree.
"If you forgive the fox for stealing your chickens, he will take your sheep."
If you don’t heel your past will be difficult to move on, forgiveness is important otherwise it will repeat the same story over and over again
Forgiveness is like Trust, it is earned. There is no need to forgive the Unforgivable. Release and being in your own heart is all that's necessary.
This is so true. Thanks for your thoughts.
I know Im asking the wrong place but does someone know a method to log back into an Instagram account?
I somehow lost my password. I would love any help you can offer me
@Ryland Reuben Instablaster :)
@Amos Jaxx Thanks so much for your reply. I found the site thru google and I'm waiting for the hacking stuff atm.
I see it takes a while so I will get back to you later when my account password hopefully is recovered.
@Amos Jaxx it did the trick and I now got access to my account again. I am so happy:D
Thank you so much you saved my account :D
Not everyone who’s wronged you deserves forgiveness. Instead of forgiving them, forgive yourself for being unforgiving. For me, retaining that bad memory serves as a source of strength and does not make me weak. Forgiveness is a major privilege. Don’t give it for free. I can move on with life peacefully knowing that the people who did bad things to me will soon find karma lying in wait. 😉
I totally agree with you on this. We shouldn’t be trying to force ourselves to forgive other because that would only cause more pain. We need to take time to heal and if we don’t, that’s okay. I had to learn this the hard way.
I own the fact I’m unforgiving just don’t push me there it’s not that hard
Forgiveness is like Trust, it is earned. There is no need to forgive the Unforgivable. Release and being in your own heart is all that’s necessary!
@@TvOfMike what exactly do you mean so I can hold a grudge against someone who’s wronged me and be happy in life?
@@eliefosso7215 see no one said anything about a grudge... naturally people whom are wronged tend to set firm boundaries with the abuser who wronged them and ACCEPT AND MOVE ON. You accept that it has happened to u... that’s not holding a grudge. Healing and acceptance Isn’t for them. None of this is for them, you don’t NEED to have any contact with them. I mean listen if you hold a grudge then u aren’t healed. By all means if YOU feel the need to forgive I mean be my guest but it’s totally not necessary to heal yourself.
Never heard a TED talkI related to so much. So emotional and healing to hear. Thank you for sharing your story that is sadly the story of so many who stay hidden in the darkness of that shame and pain you spoke of. God bless you.
I dont believe in forgiveness, I believe in healing and letting go your own resentment and bitterness towards person involved. Forgive yourself and process what the experience taught you and learn .
Can you share which ways you found helpful in order to to heal, and in order to let go of resentment and bitterness? Thanks
Well isn’t that forgiveness in and of itself?
@@vaeatangitau5134 I would think so
You've just defined forgiveness
@@ayelethashahar8807 I respond by allowing any bitterness or resentment towards past trauma or bad treatment to surface,breath and relax around it and observe,accept it needs to come out.Give it some space without getting caught up with it and it naturally moves on and in time becomes less and less.
Focusing on what makes your world fulfilling,kindness,gratitude, staying healthy,helping others if you can,learning new skills, relationships,spirituality.. this is healing 🙏❤
Never forgive someone who is not genuinely repentant and unwilling to reform, they will take it as weakness and keep doing wrong.
And a message to you: never encourage people to be God.
forgiveness brings inner peace for yourself
@@EmeraldPixelGamingEPG What in God's name are you talking about?
Perfect.
Facts
What a beautiful talk from a wonderful spirit. Forgiveness is not necessary because “Love does not hold a grudge.” Beautiful! And to paraphrase Jung “He who looks outside dreams; he hooks inside awakens.” Very smart ❤
It’s not that we believe that we are worthless, it’s the fact that others that supposed to care for us openly show us that we don’t mean anything to them.
Which leads you to believe youre worthless.
@@marciestoddard730 It makes you not to trust people, and see them in a negative light.
It's religion that demands it. Yes, we hear this repeatedly. You can choose love , but when the memory returns the forgiveness issue returns. It's a multi faceted issue. Not everyone has any remorse at all. Healing is important but not every wrong can ever be righted. Some have perpetual damages. If you can forgive and love never forget.
Religion taught the need for forgiveness. You are all right about boundaries, moving on and embracing true change. It's vital to a happy life.
Jesus Christ died for your sins which everyone is guilty of. You will all burn unless you can forgive everyone.
@@memyselfandi8544 threatening? Blackmailing and scaring is what religious evilness do since the dark ages. You are the prove that this evilness have been reproducing all this time. Hoped they would have been rooted out.
It's truly sad when family members inflict pain and hurt but it's even sadder when they don't realize how much they are hurting you.
I DON'T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS..... I belive in responding to the person who has hurt me.
I find this a sad comment, but I agree that responding to the one who has done the hurt can be helpful. It can be tricky to communicate effectively in the heat of the moment, so chose wisely. But the ability to confront can help the one hurt divest themselves of feeling such a victim and move on.
I completely agree with you , you can’t let someone walk all over you and forgive them
For whatever reason there may never be the opportunity to respond to those who have hurted us, choose love and compassion for your sake.
Love and compassion for OURSELVES can develop over time as we heal. ‘Forgiving the unrepentant is like drawing pictures on water.’- Japanese proverb.
Colossians 3:12-13
Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.
A beautiful and truly heartfelt talk from a woman with a shining heart and soul. Very moving and inspiring.
"Forgiveness is a fundamental weakness that incapacitates you and chops you up into irresistible fodder ready to be eagerly devoured by the next hungry offender who impatiently waits while his predecessor gets his free pass." - ME.
Forgiving someone allows them to not hold themselves responsible for the pain they have caused you. I’ve noticed that when I forgave, i allowed that person to continue to hurt me, because if I only forgave them, maybe it would get better, maybe they would see how bad they hurt me.
very true, i was thinking about the same .. people don't get it when you forgive them instead they keep doing the same cause they know they got away with it
Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside awakens.
Love will never let you down.
Heartfelt lines.😃
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Absolutely amazing speech. I went through every form of abuse from my mother as well and am now training to be a shaman. Thank you for sharing your story.
Forgiveness should be given when the other person or party changes. Or, if it is something where they really did a major change or shown actions to do so. Like one of my High School Bullies. He apologized later in life for how he was not good to me when we were teenagers. He admitted that he was responsible to let drugs, alcohol, and the wrong people influence him to let him act the way in which he was. Now, we are good friends, and he has become an empath to me when I have my dark days. Him being to rehab and counseling has had me go to him when I feel lost or in trouble. I try to be there for him, and his family too.
Beautiful 👌🏾 may God bless both of you forever and always
🌻🌞🌈🦄✨🇿🇦
If I waited for someone to change before I could forgive them I would be waiting for a very long time with the burden of anger.Your friend is the exception.Forgiveness is to heal YOU not them whether they change or not.
Christians are called to forgive one another (Matthew 6:14); however, God never tells us that we must forgive and forget.We can forgive others without forgetting what they have done.
Nope, religion pressures to forgive. Forgiveness is giving your abuser another chance, and not everyone deserves another chance, certainly not an abuser.
And by the way, there is no scientific proof of god. Truth is the best therapy.
I knew someone that continued to make cause the same pain on others, over and over. Hiding behind God, never feeling bad for any of it. I felt content when I didn't forgive him and even when he died, I didn't regret speaking to him when he tried. The only reason he quit doing what he did, because he no longer had the physical strength. I cannot forgive a person that is forced to be sorry.
I can forgive the person who accidently ran me over and stayed by my side til the paramedic arrived, but to my bio dad who told me my mother would have been better off if I died, F that guy.
Well said! IMO, To say such things, They are already dead inside. The living dead use their own untreated pain to inflict as much pain, and trauma, on others as they can. In tantrum mode they use words as weapons. That is their greatest weakness. Showing the world who they really are!
Refraining from killing someone is Forgiveness. Then simply get Away and simply Love YourSelf. 😊❤
If someone’s unforgivable, don’t forgive them just move on
Well said. Cut that connections. To
Or just forget about them and never talk to them
@@AshWilliams-v3eunless you have no brain , forgetting is possible
This video brought tears to my eyes. What you talk about really resonates with me. Thank you so much.
It’s pure hate.
This country gives you the opportunity to move on and leave the toxic people behind
It's wrong to forgive. Forgiveness means accepting injustice. It's the highest cost to human life and why we suffer to begin with. I never forgive unless it's necessary. Experience taught me it's often unnecessary. People who forgive are those who have done wrong in life too and they expect all humans to do wrong.
The Forgiveness process worked and you had the resultant Spiritual experience. It is now automatic for you, and those who “know not what they do”they will continue to suffer for they know not that “ one” only does it to the self not to others. Bless you on your continued journey.
This didn’t do much for me. “ Love is the answer” is a bit cliche. I appreciate her sharing her story.
I will never forgive. I’m just going to start taking revenge in immediate ways.
Same. 👏👏👏👏👏
Carmelle, you had me at 2:00. Love is the answer, thank you!
I was told I had to forgive and I did within myself not to the person not to the people, and I just felt awful I even forgave myself long with forgiving them. Then one day I was listening to a video of a clinical psychologist, I wish I had saved the video it was such a strong moment for me I didn't, so I don't know what her name was. She said
"you don't have to forgive unless you want to forgive but you do not have to forgive."
I immediately Quit feeling bad about it I Quit feeling sick over feeling like I had to forgive over being told I had to forgive I felt bad that I was told that I had to forgive in order to heal and that just made me feel worse. And God knows that I have been in pain long enough and he would not want me to feel hurt anymore for another second. And it's okay having that clinical psychologists told me it was okay that I did not have to forgive and I have felt fine about it ever since and I pass this message on whenever I'm encountered with a subject about forgiveness. Being told we have to forgive unless we want to is
b u l l s h t.
And be aware if you have been traumatized and this is the situation you're feeling like you need to forgive on, that person could be a narcissist and if you have never studied narcissism that one word will open up a whole new world to you. To forgive someone who sees you as mere entertainment when they hurt you is ridiculous. Period.
Instead of wasting your time on even thinking you need to forgive do this instead, study narcissism extensively. Studying what the exact subject is of the person that hurt you studying their personality their psychopathy, is the single most healing modality. This requires three months of solid like it's your full-time job studying 16 hours a day just for getting started including several years and for a lifelong time thereafter.
I don't believe in forgiveness as a way to move on. I've always hated to hear from a victim, "My God tells me that I have to forgive you..." I'd rather have the chip on my shoulder and use it as fuel as my truth than a falsehood regarding forgiveness..
LOVE this ! Love actually equals forgiveness or indeed remembering who we REALLY are, makes all the rest NOT necessary !!!
Remembering who we TRULY are IS the key to EVERYTHING !!! THAT is how the world and Life will get BETTER !
Know that YOU are LOVE and that that is EVERYTHING you will ever need for your stay here on Earth and beyond !
Thank you, thank you for this Carmelle, you bring things together to the place of love. That is what you have done for me. So grateful to have found you.
Getting pissed is okay too. You will get over it this way as easily as the forgiveness route.
Living with anger destroys you. Are you serious?
Yes it does.
My last therapist suggested/demanded in the only group therapy I have had with my parents in my 30+ years of life that I HAD to forgive my siblings (that had mentally, physically and psychologically abused me) to move on with my life. This was in my birthday btw.
Not only my insomnia and eating habits got worse, but also my relationship in general with my family.
Good news is: she's not my therapist anymore, I guess.
Choose love and compassion. Well said.
You are a beautiful lotus that has grown out of a muddy pond, Carmelle. I am so happy for you although my circumstances were of a lesser degree, I hope to transform my life like you. Thanks for the inspiration and giving me hope that it is possible.
My world has been so changed by this woman why isn’t this Ted talk more watched? It’s really sad because I think this could really help people at this time.
There's a culture around forgiveness that's always seemed a weird victim blaming cult to me
Like, is weird how people seem to be more angry at someone not forgiving an abuser than at the abuse itself
100% makes complete sense!!
To forgive is a feeling, you feel it when you forgive. Just like when you feel it inside of you when you love or when you trust. You cannot force feelings, even when tortured or threatened or taught. So, what's the use to say I forgive? Nothing, just words. If you dont feel the forgiveness then better let go of the person(s) who hurt you. Remember, you have only one live, move on and give your live another chance. There are about 8 billion people on this planet to choose from.
Wow!!! What a wonderful speaker. Thank you!
Forgiveness is not something you do for someone else it's something you do for yourself so the bitterness doesn't eat you alive.
thank you sir.
right
It's possible to not forgive someone and not be consumed by bitterness.
I went to a guided meditation session this morning....it was about forgiveness...and on the way home, I asked myself this very question...I found forgiveness a lifeline of soothing, as a younger person, when I dealt with hurts more egoistically, but I have since found the unconditional love in my soul...and I, too have found I no longer have anything to forgive. My inner peace is what I work on if I get into a tricky situation. Once my peace is restored, I can disregard the “wrong” as though it is of no importance. We are all one..energy, and dust of the earth, negotiating the path of life we are currently in. Love is indeed the road to freedom.
Very well said, @ Kim White.
Beautiful and insightful. Being aware that we make up stories as children about the events that took place can really create a space for love when there was no possibility for it before.
the o
Amen
Some people don’t deserve forgiveness and I mean the lowest of society that have no remorse or empathy. Normal people deserve forgiveness.
Also that “they didn’t know any better” bs. I would never abuse a child or neglect to protect them but that’s all I know. People can either choose to be an abuser or take responsibility for their trauma.
Forgiveness is not for the benefit of the other person... and it does not matter if they deserve it... I is to make you free from the other person. You forgive another person to set yourself free
You shouldn’t let the nature of others affect your own.
Reminds me of a story- two monks where down by a steam washing their clothes, when the older month saw that a scorpion had fallen in the stream, and would drown if left. The monk reached it and grabbed the scorpion to save it, and in doing so was stung by the scorpion badly in his hand.
The scorpion fell in the stream again, the older monk that had already been stung once, and had a very saw hand, put down what he was cleaning and began moving towards wear the scorpion had fallen in.
The younger monk who was with him asked what he was doing? And said that the scorpion would only sting you again when you try to save it.
The old monk said “ it is in the scorpions nature to sting, but it is in my nature to save”
The moral is to try and stick to who you are-
Forgive who you can forgive for now and those you can't forgive, just give it time. Don't rush the process, everything in life has its due including forgiveness
5 minutes in and I really like what she's saying!
I think what is being described is the essence of forgiveness
One is not obliged to forgive. Morality shall remain stringent.
my narcopath abuser knowingly abuses me. and he grew up in a non abusive home. he didt learn this behavior. he chose it. because he gets off of hurting others maliciously.
I wasn't expecting that. Speachless I am
Forgiveness isn’t really the issue….I choose not to ever let those people close to me again because I value myself. Betrayal is never forgotten in your heart when it’s from family members who loved you your whole and then one day kick you in the stomach….blindsided with the biggest sucker punch of my life. And they could care less what they did to me. Forgiveness isn’t the issue….boundaries are. It’s about self respect and self love. They’ll never be allowed in my life again 🙁 I will never allow them to hurt me again…
Well said
Saying Never Only Confirms Your Bitterness Hatred and Anger
You Have Inside
Especially if the People Regretted What They Did
If You Don't Know God, then I Understand Your Unwillingness to Forgive
But As A Victim of Abuse, Forgiveness Can Unlock Peace
Truth and authenticity is more important… God forgives. The Holy Spirit forgives.. we are to tell and feel the truth.
Many people in the comment section didn't get the point. She does not say: 'do not forgive', but rather, 'If you LOVE, forgiveness becomes obsolete because your love and compassion for the person who wronged you are bigger than your resentment'.
If you understand that this person acted that way because of his own regrets, shames and fears, resulting from his own life experiences, it becomes easier to understand him and to 'love' him. It's not a personal, intimate love, but a universal love and understanding for mankind and for the fact that we all make so many mistakes. That love conquers everything.
Take an honest look in the mirror: YOU have also wronged people - more than you realize.
What a brilliant talk. Thank you so much for sharing your story!
Wow, your master training is unbelievable
Wow! Great message! Thank you for your genuine and heartfelt story. 🙏
Thank you for sharing such a wonderful heartfelt speech Carmele
Self absolution cuts you from being tied to unresolved negative emotions when you forgive somebody you say what has happened is okay but if you practice self absolution it says I can move on from the action that was not okay by releasing the anger pain or desire for vengeance
I choose self absolution over forgiveness
Acceptance of life is key. Life is hard. Forgiveness is for oneself to benefit from. Love? What is it? Love isn’t a “feeling”. It’s action that counts. Betrayal hurts. Betraying oneself is something we are taught. Stop it. Don’t ever betray yourself. You are the air traffic controller. Your hostages are the planes you keep circling around. Do yourself a favor and land the planes. Allow the passengers, your resentments, to disembark. They look like people who did you wrong. Let them go. You are not obligated to reconcile with anyone. I do recommend you reconcile with yourself though. Live forward in humility and create that rich inner life discussed herein. Set yourself free…you set everyone free.
love will never let you down
Finally it makes sense
Traumatized souls are disconnected from their true essence, love.
Forgiveness is a choice
I’ll also say this so that I can clear the smoke. A lot of people have this idea that the change of heart of the perpetrator is contingent on whether they’re forgiven by their victim(s).
This is a very false narrative hence the problems that we see in the church in this regard. If you, the offender, are repentant/sorry for your offenses them it would be consistent whether the victim forgives you or not. It’s not conditional. Really, this is just a way for the offender to obfuscate self accountability, feelings of shame & guilt, onto the victim hence this being a form of mental & emotional manipulation.
As Christians we already know that’s not of God. That’s of the enemy as it displays a sense of selfishness and egoism of the offender. The offender would’ve been more sincere in not repenting & apologizing!
Let your repentance, self forgiveness, and sense of sorry be genuine or just don’t do it at all. God bless and peace.
Thank you for sharing your message Carmelle.
She's describing the process of Forgiveness...
Not forgiveness but self-forgiveness. They are distinct.
@@lemondrop7305 I disagree,One can only forgive themselves.REALLY THINK about this.
After watching this I felt better. Thanx .
If I do not expect people to forgive me when I accidentally say something that sounds like I have an attitude, I do not expect to forgive my worst abuser. I let him go. I felt the feelings as memories popped up through the years, and went through therapy, and then I stopped feeling anything about him. I realized he didn’t care about me when he hurt me, exploited me, and tried to kill me. He didn’t even care when he put on a show of it… so why should I feel anything about him now?
I don’t call it forgiveness. I think people use that word to mean too many things. They just think it makes them sound like good people. But for me, I’d rather call it what it is. It’s just an absence of anger because I don’t need it now, and it feels good. Forgiveness sounds too kind for him. It implies I have some sort of basic human affection, but I don’t, and I don’t miss it.
thank you
And what about when it wasn’t a “mistake “?… what about those who intentionally hurt you… those who repeatedly look for new ways to hurt you? Those who target you and you can’t escape from? I said to someone, “this will never be over until one of us is dead.”… not even the restraining order would stop it… in the next couple of months I had a stress induced heart attack… I survived… 4 months and 1 week after that, they had a drug induced heart attack or cardiac arrest… and it was over… mostly… I still carry it, but it’s not as heavy anymore
I actually got disturbed when she said "we all make mistakes." That's terribly invalidating to many people who've suffered major trauma due to repeated violence towards them, continually abusing someone is not a mistake. That part of her speech made her overall message weak for me
I don't get forgiveness in life I can't forgive people who hurt me I wish them luck only but forever silent now
Much love, thank you🙏
I feel her. Thank you for sharing
Thank you Carmelle ! This is very helpful for me
Finally a good speech on forgiveness. And it isn't even necessary.
Ezekiel 18-19 scripture said there must be repentance for forgiveness to happen
So beautiful, honest and profound
This was heartfelt, raw and honest. I loved it but disagreed that "forgiveness is unnecessary." Shew just is defining it a little differently, but you have to listen to this to see where she is coming from. Love and compassion is what makes forgiveness possible.
What an amazing person
Thank you
U can not forgive other person but it doesnt mean u need hurt someone back
POWERFULL MESSAGE!!! Thank you, I needed to be reminded of this!!
Great talk. Moving, and truly spoke to me.
Love, peace and understanding, along with letting go of anger, hurt and resentment - that sounds as if that is ultimately, forgiveness.
amazing! moving humanity forward.
Don't forgive anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself... even if it's not that big deal... they're just like that... don't forgive them... just don't think about them...if you think about forgiving them that means they did something for you...and if they did something for you... that means they don't even deserve to think about them... isn't this a better way to think about things?
A lot of people we are judgemental and superficial people...but way more people aren't...so forget those people and believe in yourself...you know why you decided to cut them off your life so stop feeling bad about yourself...power is in moving on and love yourself...not in holding on and forgiving the ones who made you feel bad about yourself...power is in not caring about them... power is in appreciating yourself... power is when you find inner happiness in your life... power is when sometimes even if you're lonely you don't go to the same place and people that made you feel so... even if they apologized.. don't you think that they hurt you first?and that it's so selfish from them to want you back in their life?....move on...you deserve better...
Thank you so much for this comment. I will meditate on this daily. So beautifully written.
Honestly, Metro: Last Light taught me more about forgiveness.
Forgiveness is enabling the tormenter to go on and harm someone else.
I and FREE. Thank you!
i still believe in forgiveness, for me it begins with being at peace with what happened..letting other people's actions define us will only create a victim mentality..responding with compassion helps.. addressing your own issues is hard but for me it is better than carrying a lot of baggages i don't need, it will only lead into constant toxic cycles.. we all deserve better, we all deserve to forgive, we all deserve to heal and be free 🕊️
Absolutely brilliant.
Yes - what is forgiveness? It is simply an acknowledgement that ALL make mistakes.
Thank you for this!
Great talk 👏👏 nail on the head
Beautiful ideas...much to think about. Ty.
thank u youtube algorithm gods
Seeing myself in my enemy led me to “forgive.”
Beautiful! 💞