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We Don’t Want the Same Things (Is Our Marriage Over?)
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- Опубліковано 7 вер 2022
- We Don’t Want the Same Things (Is Our Marriage Over?)
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One of the best advice I remember hearing when I was going through separation was "Don't see them for who they were....see them for who they are now" also ..."when they show you who they are ...believe them" ...people change and we hold memories so close how things used to be ...but we need to see how things are now. Wishing you well caller lots of love x
One of the great falsehoods of life is the statement "people never change."
@@Jackaroo.I don’t believe people chat that much, over time they just reveal their true selves
Thank you for sharing, Rose
@Jackaroo. I believe people can change but when they repeat the same behaviours over and over, or don't wish to change then that is who they are.
@@Hodgiez No problem.
You can't force someone to choose you.
Gosh she sounds like she is in so much pain. You can tell that she loves him so much. My heart really goes out to this whole family.
5 boys is so much! He has so much family to love and stay for.
I really hope her husband is not cheating on her but if he's checked out, a lot of the time, that's what's happening. God bless her!
I don’t think I’ve seen someone talk for 3 minutes straight with no interruption on this show before. It was a lot.
Part of the problem? Husband likes to be in his own quiet space
Exactly. She probably overwhelms him. He feels like he’s married to a project and he’s the project mgr.
I skipped and I skipped 🫠
3 minutes is nothing. There was a lady months ago that talked basically uninterrupted for 7-8 minues straight. One of the worse calls tbh.
She really soiled the bowl.
I had a friend who was ready to walk away from her marriage. She got advice to give her husband a hug, a lengthy one, even through his then confusion. That was the catalyst to the repairing of their marriage. They are now happily going on trips and God has restored their marriage. It takes work and is a process but one small gesture could affect the trajectory of your marriage, as it did theirs. God can do all things. I pray for this woman!
Thanks for the good spirited message- I like it. Agreed
This god fantasy didn't really have to do with anything in this situation. He's done for whatever with you and you're done with him. You don't like each other anymore. You're just gonna have to move on.
God didn't restore their marriage. They are the ones that put in the hard work in restoring their marriage.
@@yingyang7448 Exactly. And not all marriages are meant to be.
@@yingyang7448 Which the Lord Jesus Christ gave them the ability to do. He is the one who made us! Thank you!
This happened to me. After 24 years my former husband mostly wanted to party, travel, and play. I finally got our two sons raised and began to build a home-based business and began to blossom on my own as an adult making my way in the business world. Our oldest son was in college about ready to be launch and the younger one was age 21, living at home and going to school. I had several Autoimmune conditions that caused sexual issues in our marriage and sapped my energy levels. Once our sons were well on the path to manhood and my husband and I grew apart. He wanted to spend his nights in the bars, the ball field, the dance hall and canoeing and camping with his buddies. I wanted to spend my evenings at home, making a lovely meal, being quiet with music, to recover from talking all day and waiting on clients all day. I was interested in reading, taking a hot bath and having some R&R for my body, mind and soul. (I was also in a lot of pain at times.) On the weekends I was interested in kayaking, riding bikes, hiking in nature, cross country skiing, or maybe taking in a local art show or concert in the park but he was not interested in any of my interests. He wanted to be with a crowd on the beach playing volleyball, racing dragon boats, drinking, snow skiing, and entertaining family and friends at the cottage etc. There was no middle ground for him, and I had been deferring to him and his needs for 24 years. I asked to go to marriage counseling, together but he refused. He said, "What's in it for me." and basically checked out of our marriage and functioned as a single man. I saw no long-term future for us so I filed for divorce.
I’m so glad you physically left and moved on. Bravo lady!
So you got what you wanted out of the deal including alimony with as little sex or compromise as possible....
Gosh I wonder why 45% of women over 30 are single, childless and on their way to being homeless since no man wants them....what a mystery!
@@nly4607 No, I did not get ANY alimony or support of any kind. Why would I remain married to a man who as my counselor said, "Has maid service with sexual privileges.) This man NEVER lifted a finger around the home, took care of his children or got them off to school, did not meet them after school to see they got their healthy snack and did their homework or cooked a three-course dinner for us. I washed his clothing, iron his 6-7 shirts per week, changed three beds every week, washed and remade those same beds, bought all the groceries, ran all the errands got my sons new clothing and ready for school. I was homeroom other for my son's school and helped on trips etc.. I drove my sons to soccer practice and games, to Scouts, to doctors appts, dental appts church and so on. I cleaned our three bedroom home every Monday, mowed our lawn, washed our windows twice a year, managed the gardens, and painted the house and garage every second year. That man had it good and never appreciated me. He told me "I did not get married to wash dishes or do home chores."
@@donnaallgaier-lamberti3933 sure lol I'm sure everyone believes you turned down alimony and any assets he accumulated during marriage while you used the washing machines, vacuum cleaners, dishwashers....that women of previous generations (back when stay at home mom was actually a full time job lol) had to do without...
Im sure every man reading believes that ha
@@donnaallgaier-lamberti3933 It sounds like you were a married single mother. I'm so sorry that was your experience.
It was hard to listen to this caller. Her voice and tone gives me anxiety & I can hear how much emotion she is feeling. She’s letting it out through her speech. I’m introverted and my ex was extroverted. He would do all the talking and I would observe. I left bc we didn’t want the same things in life. We were not compatible. It’s miserable bc you love them but you don’t want to sacrifice your own peace and harmony for them.
Love including harmony and peace.. They r not different
Great advice. May I add one more thing? It might be that the caller has rescued her husband (with her being an extrovert and him being an introvert) and that he now feels smothered and parented by her solving all his problems and talking over him. What started out as a crutch for him has now become a sign of disrespect. I hope this works out.
Good point
I am very grateful to God for giving my wife and I a very very good marriage.
That is precious. Thank you for sharing.
I don't understand when people thank God for things he took no real part in. Your marriage is very good because you and your spouse have put in the hard work.
@@yingyang7448 but that’s the thing. He has blessed us. If it weren’t for God nothing good would come from any of us.
@@The.Meat.Sweats
I'm going to assume you believe in the Christian God. He is the one that made the Devil and knew the Devil would come and corrupt Adam and Eve with the "terrible sin" of eating a fruit of knowledge.
And even if God left after he made the earth, you still have free will. To say that nothing good at all would come from humans assumes that humans are predetermined to ONLY do bad things without God. It doesn't make sense.
And a whole lot of bad has come from the Christian God. He's promoted genocide, tribal wars, sexism, slavery, as well as a whole host of things.
@@yingyang7448 yes. You would need to study the Bible to understand and find the answer to the concerns you have just listed. It’s all covered.
Wondering what spouses should do with this so common problem, that couples see the wife as the one responsible for the marriage to function? Don't men really want to have happy marriages, or only on the surface-wives who make them happy, on demand? Like shopping for marriage or return the goods, or just leave it in the garage, to rotten? How do men really think, if honest?
Your question is bait. All men aren’t equal. Like all women aren’t equal.
@@KarlDag You are right, of course - but a little reflection on the topic of expectations, would go a long way, as it is an interesting issue. So what are the signs (in advance) of that good man who doesn't demand that his wife takes the main responsibility for the marriage to be a happy one, according to you? Many women need to learn from it. We have seen so often that a man calls in and thinks there's something wrong with his wife's personality, because he is not happy in his marriage. (And so he thinks divorce must be the only solution, but so darn expensive,)
u can hear in her voice so much pain and discomfort
Yup! We used to have such a fun marriage too. (Spontaneous adventures) Life will suck that right away…the fact that he’s being so cranky with you.. could he be seeing someone else ?my ex husband did counseling meanwhile he was still seeing his mistress of two years. I didn’t know she existed … but the best thing was to check out as well and find myself again. Distract yourself with hobbies . You’ll get over him
Just do your own thing. Spend time with your kids give him space. When they see you not stressing over it and actually being happy they are drawn to you
What is up with that tho? It's so frustrating
Bonnie Raitt had a lyric that went like this, "I can't make you love me if you don't."
Growing old is part of life. Cave exploring is not something most people do after 5 kids.
If they have enough energy to run two businesses, they have plenty of energy. They've just chosen to become boring.
I love how vulnerable Dr. John is. This is one of my favorite shows. Thank you so much!
Being married has taught me that there is ALWAYS 2 sides to a situation.......why should John tell her right off the bat.....”you are married to a child”?. He does not even have his side of the story to draw such a conclusion and worst off to tell her that.
Most men are a child and very immature unfortunately! My husband throw tantrums like a little boy, and I’m not able to talk to him, because he always start yelling instead of talking to me, to the point that I’m not willing to talk to him anymore, it’s exhausted, sad and disappointed not to be able to talk with an adult like adults. I’m done! I’m out! And like the doctor says I don’t like him at all! And this has been happening for a long time. The last time I talked to my husband to decided if we are in this together or not, he just didn’t let me talk, we couldn’t agree or disagree on something and at the moment I knew that there was nothing I could do for this marriage if he does not want to work it out .
When he mentioned that she probably doesn’t like him, I agree with that. That could be the reason why her husband checked out. A person can feel when they’re not liked and I think her husband felt that.
It’s not always necessarily true . My husband has said this .. and I would die for this man he’s my best friend
20 years of marriage... He feels disrespected, and she thinks it's "really funny". Now he's checked out... The fact that she can explain his perception of disrespect, laugh about it in the same sentence, and her proposed solution is to "guilt him into staying" really paints the picture... This isn't about Ice chests and lightning bugs.
That type of laughing is usually uncomfortable, nervous laughter to keep oneself from crying. It wasn’t some evil, maniacal laugh because she enjoys this.
@@sheila3936 IMO she's attempting to minimize her husbands concerns, that's why she needs to preface how small of a deal the "ice chest" was. This thing is soo small to her its laughable, but to him its not about 1 small event. She knows and understands how he feels, which means they've had clear open disussions about it. Her "guilt him into staying" comment is a big red flag. Instead of using the knowledge she has about how he feels, she's openly expressing manipulating him to get what she wants is in the forefront of her mind. Which is probably why he's checked out.
@@bravotrades5614
Hmmm. Fair points, BravoTrades.
Everything changes with time. Everyday for the rest of life of a married couple will not be the same. One must honour marriage and stay in it no matter what. It should be done by both. Every relation and spark fades .
Accepting and moving on with the institution as it all started so beautiful is the answer .
Girl if he wants to go, I’ll help him pack. You want to do the work and he doesn’t. Heal and seek someone that’s ready for a partnership and not to be babysat
No she's disrespecting who he is. Hubbies are not best friends.
I can feel his pain by hearing the on and on. You just need to agree Eg Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays are yours to go on and on and he has to listen. And Tuesdays and weekends are his to be quiet of he asks for its . The the quiet days you can talk to friends. Compromise. That way one person isn’t imposing on the other all the time. Cz how did 2 opposites marry. It’s not a respect thing it’s a personality difference.
Thanks Dr. John! Already saved for the future.
How great of John to judge the husband without even knowing him or knowing the actual truth. 🙄
He knows his audience is mostly women.
He only has one side, if the husband wants to call in and tell his side, he’s welcome to. He’s going off the info he’s been given, no bitterness is needed from you or anyone else.
Love all of this advice, hope this couple follows it, as well as get on their knees together and surrender to God the issues they still don't have answers to. That humility goes a long way in a marriage, put God in the center of the marriage every day until both parties are on purpose again for their marriage.
Great advice
Amen 🙏
That was amazing Delony.
It sounds like they are on completely different planets. They put everything before their marriage.
Good luck to you, Christy! Keep us posted...
Honest, honest communication - expressing needs, desires - is a courageous act for many married couples. A lot of us ARE afraid of how we’ll be met by our partner.
Yes I did the hard thing and communicated but it was not recieved😢. My nightmare became reality.
If a man leaves he has someone waiting for him on the other side
Not true…sometimes you just need peace and quiet and decide to get off the rollacoaster ride.
very true. she's hurting. she'll eventually be ok
my heart is BREAKING listening to this lady......
Interesting topic for a lot of married couples
Her voice is shaking the whole time. Poor lady. Its hard to leave.
In my experience, people who talk a lot have something to say. They have 5 kids, she's probably dealing with them all day and she needs adult conversation with her husband. He's not providing that.
She needs friends. Her hubby is not meant to be her best friend.
@@GUITARTIME2024actually he should be her best friend but other friends are good too
@blueseptember2174 absolutely not. The husband is not supposed to be a best friend.
@@GUITARTIME2024I've been great friends with all the men I've dated seriously. A marriage without friendship at the center is just a business. Men who can't hold conversations are boring and marrying a boring man leads to a boring marriage.
@PLD.608 dated, as in PAST TENSE. You likely treated them like your best girlfriend. We dont want our ears talked off.
Wow what is it with the Ramsey company. Where they're self righteous and they always pass judgment on men. And the women are always treated with kid gloves. He's calling him a bold immature childAnd just by hearing her side of the story. Not one of your best
People change, life can be long everyone thinks a marriage can last 50-60 years? You can separate but remain very good friends and parents of your children.
The Empowered Wife taught me everything I needed to learn to make my relationship amazing
There's more there. John is getting one side of the story.
Extroverted people are great at making themselves look good.
When I divorced my ex-wife "nobody saw it coming" and to this day I was made to be the vilan. But what nobody gets is that she is an overbearing, invasive, dismissive, loudmouth person and that's just who she is.
It makes her interesting to be with for a few hours , but after we got married I slowly realized that there's no way it would work. And since she's such a great person I'll take being the villain over bad mouthing her to our family.
13:50 Random aside, that's "mind reading", not "fundamental attribution error". Mind reading is trying to read into someone's intentions/thoughts. Fundamental attribution error is attributing others' mistakes/flaws to character flaws while attributing your own to making a mistake. Easy to get the pick the wrong term from your brain in the moment, but just to inform everyone!
She already has a back up plan.
Christy seems so cool. I hope her husband remembers why he fell in Love with her, and is willing to do the work to stay with her.
I hope this couple FIGHTS LIKE HELL to save their message.
If you watch enough of these, you realize his advice is all over the place. He doesnt give actual advice, he says what the caller wants to hear. The other day, a guy called in saying he has nothing to talk about with his wife. John told him its perfectly ok to have a 2 hour drive without saying a word. Now that hes talking to a woman who has lost all ability to shut up, hes telling her to just talk about stuff. So which one is it? Do we sit for a 2 hour car ride in silence, or do we ramble on about pointless, obnoxious things that our spouse could care less about and call it communication?
It would depend on the people the relationship etc. people are different. I know sometimes his advice sounds a bit contradictory but sometimes you need something different at a different point in relationships.
Context
Wild concept: every situation is different, so he gives advice to the situation.
I know! It’s crazy! It’s almost like the advice could be just as effective as it is different!
Yikes at all these comments about her voice. She can't help the way that she speaks.
And first people were mad that John interrupted callers to ask questions, now folks are mad that he let her go on until she was finished? Which is it? 😂
Can’t please everyone 😢
I would love feedback on Christie’s situation. She seems so sweet. I really hope they were able to overcome their issues.
She loves him but she doesn't like the way he treats her. I'm sure she told him what she needed. I'm sure he accused her of being a nag.
I don’t mean to disagree with dr. John but sometimes I think it’s a more simple answer and not as deep. I think the husband Got noticed by another woman at work or wherever And now he’s either already cheating on her or he’s bored and he just wants to see what else is out there.
True. He's got this chatty mommy in his face.
I’m in the same predicament.
It sound like the man just need some peace and quiet for a time period.
This sweet woman. I wonder how they're doing now.
3 minutes and 44 seconds before she ever let him say anything. She didn't stop long enough even to take a breath. Geez
I can’t talk that much without some sort of feedback from who Im talking to.
This isn't the wife of the other caller is it? Quite similar if not.
Oh when was that call? I want to try to find it
I thought the same
@@summersalix Literally the video prior to this from yesterday. The title is very similar to this one.
@@colmwhateveryoulike3240 oh thanks, I missed that one.
30 seconds in and I can see this lady has worn him out!
How can he be her best friend cuz it doesn’t sound like she’s his.
Sounds like he’s checks out
Omg this woman is exhausting 😂
These people are terrible at planning life. You can only through so many obstacles in your way before you will fall.
I do struggle with John saying it’s all the husbands fault. I’m sure his side of the story make her look less than blame free as she describes herself.
This woman is ALOT! The poor bloke has probably just had enough. Sounds like he had a dream of running a business, she's taken over it like she has everything else in his life and he's just taken all he can take!
Exactly.! She's exhausting and he wants peace.
Not to sound like a jerk, but there is something about this woman's voice and droning on that causes me to hear her words, but not listen. I could see why her husband who is an introvert isn't communicating with her. she probably doesn't let him get a word in
How old is Christy?
I feel like this is my husband… not that we argued about the same stuff but he is introvert I am extrovert and he has totally given up not just on me but life in general… and turned his anxiety into agoraphobia and refuses to get help. It’s so frustrating
Except! He has not slept in the bed with me since 6 months into our marriage and we have only been married 3.5 years..
i am trying and he keeps shutting me out and I feel like ok this is not going to end up lasting because I am not ok with how he drinks all day to deal with his issues and doesn’t work etc since 6 months into our marriage… he just flat out refuses to try at all… this is not the man I married so it’s a hard pill to swallow to have to stay …
I wish Dr John would call my husband or show up at our house so I can force him to get better!!! Ugh 😑
Not being employed is unacceptable. Maybe give up on going to the grocery store or paying the electric bill. He will figure thing out real quick.
If you don't have kids, break up. He's not changing. He's a drunk.
This lady sounds fantastic.
Lol
Why do you alway emasculate the man. This man has served in the military started his own business and even his wife praised and said how smart he was. And immediately you call him a little boy!
Because he is acting like a child within his marriage. The call is about marriage.
@@aliparker3 I disagree…. He is a man in a marriage so everything about him is who he is. If all other areas of his life does reflect the communication barrier he is having with his wife then he should have tried to figure it from the role she ( the wife ) is playing. Which the conclusion I came to was that she is annoying.
He is using you for the benefits but he has already checked out, probably with another relationship.
It sounds like she might be married to an undiagnosed man on the spectrum.
With the amount of verbal spewage this woman speaks, no wonder he has checked out. I couldn't even make it through this video. She needs to learn the art of listening more and less talking.
You might be right, but it goes both ways. You, sir, have no patience. Who would want to talk to YOU if you cannot listen for 3 minutes without dying to talk about what YOU think is superior conversation. 🤔
He just needs some quiet time. She is a lot.
EVEN I am tired of hearing her talk. its too much.
When a man leaves he's an immature child. When a woman leaves it's good for her. She's a strong independent woman.
Why say one word when 500 will do?
I disagree....go back to your foundation. My parents were always close and at the beginning of their marriage they did festivals and events alot. Life happens and doing things as a couple were less and less. But before my dad passed they started doing things more often. You sse who they were at the beginning never left them. They always enjoyed each other's company despite the season they were in.
If this is how she communicates…maybe she should just be quiet….
She isn't just an extrovert. She talks too much and nobody is being honest with her. Her whole speech is anxiety ridden. She doesnt seem to have self awareness. Even Dr john face gave away she for a long time.
She gotta talk sometime. Everyone has to. If she talks too much, what would be a good outlet for her?
After listening to her, can you blame him for just wanting her to shut up?
This is sad. The guy his having an affair. That much is obvious.
I could never be around someone who talks incessantly without stopping like this caller does. She is extremely annoying to listen to. She's wearing her husband out with her non-stop jabbering. She just skips from one topic to the next seemingly without taking a breath. It's hard to be around people who can't relax and enjoy quietness. She makes my brain hurt listening to her. I hope she finds happiness though.
She talks a lot
Respect his choice. Back off.
Sucks.
He is not a man. That respects you or the family he made with you.
So, let him go.
It’s for the best. For you and even your kids.
Which hurts sooooooooooo much.
But he needs space. From the responsibilities being with you and your family represent. From the levels of maturity raising kids and a business and staying connected with a wife requires.
He’s not up for it from this point forward.
If you guilt him he might stay but will definitely resent you for his choice to stay in that cesspool of pretend marriage.
You both want to keep the mask up of a fine family. Doing fine. Struggling along, like any other… but here we are still together.
But it’s a mask.
And he wants to take it down, now. He no longer has the energy or bandwidth for that.
Get real.
Breakdown might come disguising a breakthrough or carrying one in the package.
I pray that for you and your family. That this carries you toward a breakthrough that may feel cathartic and refreshing and overflowing with love.
Whether it’s with him or just for you.
9:19 I’m 36 and I look like I’m 18.
She could be the problem
Your not a lot to say that here. The wahmen will get mad.
I know right
You are not wrong, but I suspect your statement is coming from a place of judgement and not from objectivity. 🤔
You suspect wrong…. I have no reason to.
@@gooserich3970 okay. If you say so, I will take that at face value.
This video is sixteen minutes and twenty-nine seconds… I think Dr. D is only going to talk for the 29 seconds.
She is a. lot.
We need to get your finances together lady and prepare for a divorce he’s going to leave you once a 20 year old kitty cat comes along
I’d want to escape that annoying voice too