It's all very interesting, however, dealing with a narcissist is like playing chess with a pigeon. No matter how you frame it, explain the rules etc, in the end, the pigeon will jump onto the chessboard, upset all the pieces, crap all over and fly away declaring itself a winner. You can analyse narcissistic behaviour for your own sake if it helps you understand what's going on (like observing a pigeon to learn about pigeons), but it's important to remember - narcissists don't want to solve anything. And for every solution you come up with - they come back at you with 10 more problems. Sad but true...
So very true, and I love your analogy. I have dealt with many Narcissists over my lifetime, and the information given here is great (if you are forced to interact with a Narc) but if you don't have to "play chess with a pigeon" don't. End of, walk away, save your sanity, and use your time wisely and for things that bring you peace.
The goal is NEVER to reason or negotiate with a Narc. It's to disrupt their tactics and show them you are not available for the game. This is best done in a work situation. If you are living with a high-conflict abuser, you definitely need other tools, and an ESCAPE PLAN!!! Wishing the people trapped in a violent situation all the love, luck, resources & courage. We've REALLY got to engage with each other to set up safe zones, privacy zones, and financially feasible escape hatches. It's EXPENSIVE to protect & extricate targets of violence. Obviously we can't depend upon the legal system. It's set up for the highest level of abuse possible for vulnerable people. Them's just the facts, folks. 😢😢😢
I'm a forensic psychologist who worked in a prison system. Many of these techniques will not work with psychopaths or narcissists who are demanding, childish, and excellent sabateurs. Set boundaries firmly. Do not engage. Do not fall foe their tactics. Do not argue. IF possible stay away.
Thank you and this is solid advice. I appreciate what Chase Hughes tries to do but using many of his ideas to my narcissist would not work. And I fear that people who are in a very difficult situation blame themselves when these techniques do not work and that makes it harder for them to get out and save themselves.
What does one do when they are forced to live with them and have no leverage because of disability, which is why there is any proximity to begin with? Is it possible to stand up to these bullies at all? Prior to becoming disabled I avoided my sibling, but I have no way out now.
@SaintFredrocks out. Lets change that to SUPPORT. Your resources are many and encourage u to privately inquire to acquire them. 1. Dept of Social Services. Get a case worker. 2. If a vet, Veterans Affairs. Youll be assigned a case worker. 3. If u get SSDI, you have a caseworker. AND you can get a rep payee of YOUR CHOICE. AND request list of resources for support. 4. Many natl orgs to help disabled. Whatever ur disability, theres an org for it and people to help. 5. Federal ADA laws: theyre stronger than ever. Become familiar. 6. NAMI. Natl Assoc of Mental Illness. Supports. And help identifying and managing mental illness. 7. Meetups. Non official non gov grouos of people "meeting" online for virtually any reason/need. Great if u can speak, type, talk. Many groups for disables to share info, supports, friendships, interests, and well, meet ups in person. 8. Faith. GOD IS GOOD. Call on your local houses on worship. Find one u like by reading their website mission statements. Need a ride? Ask. 9. College/University. Milieu of services and info not just classes including ACCOMMODATIONS by law for disabled. 10. Law Enforcement. Last resort but get to know them. They can do welfare checks just by asking. 11. Community/Neighbors. There is a will and a strong will will find ways to make friends. 12. Group homes/assisted living. You dont have to live with abuse. Ask DSS. 13. If u can volunteer, online or in person, u are helping humankind; and there are millions who need a friend. IMO, the best way to beat anxiety and the abuser is to TAKE ACTION, FOR YOU. WE'RE ALL DISABLED WITHOUT OTHERS. NO FAIRY GODMOTHERS WITH A WAND HERE. DO, NOT JUST FEEL. LOVE YOUR WAY AND KEEP REACHING OUT. NEVER GIVE UP ON YOURSELF, FOR YOURSELF. -Lyn from NY, Mom of Traumatic Brain Injured Son, Paying it Forward This Day
I agree. The day I told my covert narcissist fiance I was onto what he was doing, the directed attacks and manipulations skyrocketed. They KNOW when you get their gig, and after that it's all just trying to damage and destroy you. Just leave, and never look back.
You can label anyone for anything but it only takes a second to realize what they are doing by breaking it down, I have family and friends that are very narcissistic but defuse it by understanding what it is they are doing, this is an excellent video and to watch it done in real conversation brings the light to the dark room!
I agree. However that is time consuming and difficult in the work environment, which is how this is framed. A Narcissist is very good at exacting revenge on you through your superiors in the work environment and these techniques would definitely help keep things calmer. I wish this kind of informational video was available in the seventies and eighties as they would have made my career much smoother and likely far more secure.
Best advice I’ve heard : DEEP: DON’T defend DON’T engage DON’T explain DON’T personalize Best formula you’ll ever need to save your mental health when dealing with a narcissist
all very true for me specially the dont engage . but when they go on and on and follow to keep on being nasty etc one can keep calm and not speak and or shout back only for so long . thats what i found but luckily not anymore since some years .
I recently came across a similar acronym: JADE DON'T Justify DON'T Argue DON'T Defend DON'T Explain or Engage Doing any of the above is an exhausting waste of time. They will NEVER change. They do NOT care about your perspective now, nor will they care about your perspective in the future, no matter how much you justify, argue with them, try to defend or explain your perspective. There is no resolving conflict or mutual cooperation. You will NEVER be heard, seen, or understood with these people. The only way to thrive and salvage what's left of your mental health is to go no contact or if that is impossible, then gray rock. Do not ENGAGE. They are relentless.
The example he gives is one of having to interact with a co-worker. So to all of the people in the comments saying "just don't have anything to do with narcissists," that's good advice but not always possible. Sometimes a co-worker is a narcissist and you have to deal with them regularly. This is extremely helpful for situations like that.
It’s also helpful if you’re in the process of divorcing. It can take a while to separate. And if kids are involved you have to continue talking with them for years to come.
Oh yeah because it's completely acceptable to say cut an entire group of people out of society because they have a medical condition. That's not a hate crime at all. I hope you can hear the irritated sarcasm in my voice.
It works up to a point, if the co-worker either is actively campaigning against you (at one job I was getting regular death threats) or is playing a game of being discriminated against so the administration is afraid to touch them it's hard to meet their intent as they see losing power and just raise the ante.
My best tactic that worked every single time…as soon as I started feeling that the conversation was going sideways.. I would say “can you just hold that thought? I have to go to the bathroom”….. this always gave me the time I needed to plan my response or my exit!
My narcissistic husband does that to escape conversations when he is getting uncomfortable with being held accountable He also uses he needs to eat or lay down to redt. I have begun to use same tactics when he demands instant info from me, don’t want to take tkme to give info he doesn’t really need, etc. Also suddenly something urgent I have to take care of and walk away. He wont come back usually because he wss only trying to control me
Absolutely! but sometimes you can't, because they are your family, or your boss, or co-worker at a job you need. Sometimes they are your spouse, and you have young children together. Sometimes you have to learn how to deal with them, until a time when you can escape.
@@Jen.K I certainly understand but as humans we need to protect ourselves from the toxic folks. Especially if there is anger or rage just under the surface & behind the mask. And women, females need to be aware if it's in a relationship you can NOT fix these people. ( I understand that many ladies think they can improve or upgrade their man's behavior... That can be dangerous both emotionally & sadly often physically)
They want you to get emotional, they want you to explain yourself, they want you to doubt yourself. Once you allow it, you’ve already lost. Ignore them, that will drive them crazy. They are not interested in problem solving, they mostly create problems out of nothing. If you need to ask “what is this actually about?”, then you already know what’s going on
Sure, because anyone who is actually a decent person WILL question themselves and even consider that their actions or words might not have been quite “appropriate”. THAT is understandable and forgivable, if you ARE dealing with another decent person. When you realize that isn’t how it concludes, that’s a huge clue.
This is about mitigating chance encounters with narcissists in the workplace, not suffering in a permanent relationship with them. I took it as an assumption that you already want to avoid relationships with these types of people but you often have to deal with them in your job or other encounters.
@@LRRPFco52 . Mitigating chance encounters..chances are you working with someone like this and you have to have a very thick skin and not take things personally. ..it isn't your job minimize their behavior only their impact on your emotional well being..
I worked for a bully and a narcissist about 20 years ago and was terrified of her for a few years. Then one day she completely and publicly humiliated a colleague so I completely and publicly defended my co worker in a very calm but assertive voice. I’ve no idea where the courage came from but I can tell you this, she never bothered me ever again because she lost her power and she knew it. I wish you’d been around when all of this was going on but this video will be so very helpful to others.
Amazing you did that, thanks for sharinf. However, telling this to people you personally know may open a pathway to exploit your free will further: you care more about others than your own wellbeing. I learned a few other useful tips from the _Shrink4men_ doc.
You created a positive track record of success. Bravo! I had a college professor who used to demean students in class. I confronted him (he tried to move the conversation to outside of class and I said no you brought this up in class I’d like to make my comments in class)…. And questioned him about the philosophical underpinnings of his intent as a teacher. Never made a dismissive comment in that class again.
By the time a person realises they are dealing with a narc, its potentially too late. You are in a disoriented, emotionally fragile state. A deer in headlights. Please don't try to stay and try to fight through. Unless you are trained to deal with these people, walk away. They will destroy you.
I have children with narc and whenever I disobey, he's punishing children 😢. We don't live together for a long time but he seeks full control over my life anyway.
They appear in your life to learn you something important....its not about them after all. Master it and you will notice no one can take your power 😂😂 you only give it away 🎉
Extremly exhausting ,have a neighbour this way . Wouldnd take no for an answer ,draining to see or hear her trauma and dramma gumping gossup im discusted with ,always nosing around others peoples bussines ,always wants something or begging for help . So muvh so i had to pretend im not home and wouldnt answer most of her phonecalls than she writes and that i would postpone . She was blocked 4 times of valid reasons and comes back like a boomerang with no dignity . Perhaps she thinks i dont see what she does . Tried to to part ways but she cantstop even when told straight to face and asked to fck off . Eventually she owes me money for a hard work i did for her ,tried to manipulate and controll me as to payment methods . I just gave up on the money , my piece is more important to me ,though it might be a reason she will bever come back . Priceless !😂
Absolutely no. A child is a functional human : Has compassion and ability to learn A malignant narcissist is more a human turned into an animal. They will eat you from any possible angle. It’s their motto, leit motif, moral basis and ego-enhanced natural predatory and destructive behaviour
I was in a relationship with a manipulator and narcissist for many years and I found out that whatever you say triggers them. If I didn't react and tried to stay calm (which was hard, such is the infuriation they give you), then he would get even worse. He wanted a reaction, and if he didn't get it things got very scary. Still makes me want to vomit every time I think about that guy and I haven't seen him for 20 years. Thank God he cheated on me and and I found out because that was the final straw and I finally left him. He then became someone else's problem and she got it worse than me by all accounts. There is NO CHANGING these people ever. They never, ever think that it's them that's the problem.
There is no changing in anybody, by the way. You didn`t change either. You were his victim, and you`re displaying yourself as a victim now. It`s the victim mentality of others they thrive on.
That was my final straw too. Well...finding out almost 3 years in that his ex of 9 months was still in his life Always had been in fact.. They can have eachother.
I agree to many ppl have the victim mentality but when someone is a victim of abuse its not their fault for being one to try to say her explaining her experience is victim mentality shows that you yourself are most likely an abuser. Just saying ppl who victim blame usually do it to justify their own actions . @annaconda76
@@annaconda76 Unlike fully developed (and nueroconnectively, etc. malleable) human beings... narcissists, do not ever fully 'evolve' into mature adults, or change. (The best any of them can ever do is the "cold empathy," of a redundantly scripted, play- acting... soulless, void.) And ALL narcsters (covert narcs, in particular...) are the consummate, "victim." (i.e. They are never "accountable," for anything... in their childishly selfish, envious and pathetic lil' excuse, for a mind...)
What you did is called gray rocking the person, no emotion no reaction. You are then no longer their power source and they have to find someone else to plug into.
Some commentators seem to think that you are suggesting that recognition & knowing how to respond to a Narcissist will cause them to reflect, apologize and change!!! Evidently they don’t fully understand the video posted. It’s not about “changing a Narcissist”. It’s about “DISARMING A NARCISSIST”! Like Lions, Tigers and Bears a Narcissist DOES NOT change. BUT YOU HAVE TO RECOGNIZE AND KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THE ANIMAL YOU ARE DEALING WITH!!!
He doesn't say that at all. He explains how to make an abuser to back off. They never change but these tactics make them back off and understand that you are not abuse material. They will keep doing it until you cut them off completely though.
By the time you're able to do this skilled enough you probably are a therapist yourself. If you are skilled at what you are doing enough to use for everyday life in dealing with a narcissist this takes years of practice. The time to achieve those skills will be years, and you will have been through hell and back!
Thank you so much for your UA-cam channel. I am a combat veteran, who has been tormented by PTSD for 30+ years. You sir have done MORE for me than the VA ever has. Everyday seems to be a struggle...but I am a warrior and I will not surrender to it. It has kept me in a mental prison.... hopefully I break free one day.
God Bless you my dear veteran brother. You have found this video for a reason. I truly believe we are led to content when we are ready for spiritual change. Thank you for serving our country. It’s such a difficult time. For many reasons. Are you retired or still in active service? My husband couldn’t sleep for more than 10 minutes at a time for 2 years. Quiet for him felt like danger. All these situations are something us civilians can only try to comprehend but your soul is crying out for healing. You can be healed. Prayers for you. ❤
It’s worth mentioning that most narcs do not know they are narcs. They are operating in the only way they know how, and any challenge to that upsets their entire framework of social reality, which will likely just trigger their narcissistic behavior even more. The best tactic is to remove the narcissist from your life. If you can’t get away from them, then be as uninteresting as possible. Engaging head on with a narcissist will end badly for you because there is almost no limit to how far they will escalate a situation farther than you and will win just by overwhelming you with chaos.
100% correct. The advice Chase gives in this video is incredibly dangerous and harmful to victims of actual narcissistic abuse. No contact is the ONLY way to handle actual, clinical NPD.
Are you perhaps referring to, or blurring the line between actual psychopaths and those who are, in my opinion, much more on a spectrum of psychopathy which is more nurture/ society influential as opposed to being born an intra-species predator devoid of emotion and empathy? Actual psychological need to be avoided at all costs. Just like the Terminator, they cannot be reasoned with or bargained with and will never stop until they get what they want. I feel there’s far more latitude with a narcissist. But hey, what do I actually know?!
I had an HR person at fairly good sized institution tell me candidly once that the troublemaker employees never saw themselves as part of the problem. I've seen in my own experience they think they're heroes fighting against a bunch of jerks trying to ruin their day. The only limits on their behavior are self preservation-facing unemployment or jail time, and a massive insecurity that at times overrides. So it is an irony hearing the aggressive egoist talk about their panic attacks.
You’re absolutely spot on, the vast majority of narcissists are unaware, this is difficult for many people to accept because they look at the behaviours from the majority perspective, we know when we’re being manipulative. For someone with genuine NPD their narcissism is a hermetically sealed defence mechanism that helps them to pursue control, fuel, character traits and residual benefits. The narcissism subconsciously motivates the individual to pursue those things. The best thing to do with them is apply no contact if possible
I experienced the same thing. When faced with composed resistance the snake still tried to escalate and manipulate me multiple times without success while he was becoming increasingly emotional.
I experienced this, yes. It was terrifying to be physically attacked and then forced to defend myself. I didn't expect that destructive reaction from them. The narcissists couldn't handle the fact that I successfully defended myself.
Only do such things with a narcissist if you are ready, willing and able to fight in a potential life or death situation. You may think they are just narcissistics but maybe they are even darker psychopaths or sociopaths, it they get amped up they might want to chuck you into pieces, don't think you know them well enough, you only know your own projectios you fell in love with and the persona they created to trick you, which means you don't know shit about them. Act accordingly
Right? I completely feel this 😂 But in situations that you cannot escape- like a boss, or a troubled child who lives with you, like my Grandson who I will be there for until he's on his own feet, I think these can help. The entitled customers I work with are on their own 😂
I dont know how to avoid. They are perfect in the beggining. I dated guy with whom I saw myself becoming toxic, defensive, overreacting and true drama queen. He made sure to confirm my reactions are not normal. Last date I spend 1 hours overexplaining his "jokes" are not funny but insults. He said I have no sense of humor and have some problems. I ended up apologizing for my "problems" while he knoded his head saying I have to work on myself. Then plot twist in the morning I asked to work on me for a little bit by myself because I want to stop being so "toxic" for him and be better and he said.....- he had somebody else and was just staling me cause he couldnt decide which one he wanted😮 i wasnt crazy all that time.... the gashlighting was out of the world... weirdest experience eveeeer
Most people who speak on Narcs usually just talk about spotting them, becoming aware of their affect on us, and then their solution is always to cut them off. What I appreciate about this is that sometimes you just can't. This advice is practical for interactions where you have to talk to the narc in question.
I’ve been married to a professionally diagnosed narcissist. First time he met a doctor was in 2019. He met with psychiatrist who has a specialty in neurology (Autism, ADHD and Bipolar etc.) several times and did different tests and evaluations. The psychiatrist ruled out any neurological disorders and wrote patient has “behaviors consistent with NPD”. My narcissist said the psychiatrist was wrong about him. The second time was a year ago when a completely different clinic, this time a psychologist gave him the same diagnosis NPD. I’ve lived with this person for 25 years and I’m not exaggerating when I say that I’m completely destroyed and exhausted. I’ve basically been too naive, thinking that he will change destructive behaviors as he seems very convincing every time he promises change. The change may last for a week up to a few months until some type of breakdown occurs (aggressive behavior, lying, indifference, gaslighting etc). I’m thankful that more awareness exists these days. My narcissist is very successful (has a Master’s in a technical field) and makes a good living. As a general rule he seems to be well liked by colleagues except for those he directly manages (many have quit) and neighbors seem to like him etc. This makes it especially confusing. We have two kids and it wasn’t until the kids got older that I could confirm that I’m not the only one who finds his behaviors unfair and even evil at times. He has very low empathy and he never apologizes for anything. When you confront him he turns it into a pity party and feels sorry for himself. Despite being in weekly therapy for over a year he still doesn’t get the most basic things about reciprocity in a relationship or taking ownership, nor does he have genuine empathy. No matter how appalling his behavior may have been, he is always the victim. I used to think he would “get it” somehow and things would “click” but you can explain things hundreds of times and it doesn’t stick. He says he understands, but his disregard for others and behaviors like stonewalling are unchanged, despite regular therapy with a great therapist. Something I thought might happen is him showing some ownership, especially of lies that there’s blatant and indisputable evidence for (like browsing history and video evidence) but he still denies transgressions, no matter how objective the evidence. It’s quite shocking to see someone deny unbiased computer data and a recording proving he is lying. It’s one of the ways I know he has something seriously wrong going on as any “normal” person would realize that they’re caught and confess. He just denies it, even when evidence to the contrary is right in front of him. This is what narcissists do, they think they can rewrite the past and distort reality to their advantage and liking. It’s frustrating and mind blowing. You will need to accept that there’s no closure and the justice you’re looking for will never materialize. The sooner you accept this, the better as many of us want the validation we are due. However, the fact is that narcissists distort reality to the point that they believe their own lies. They will do anything to save face as their very existence depends on maintaining and defending their pride and false self. They’d rather lose you than to lose face.
Great he's in therapy .... talk therapy wont work no matter how insightful the therapist. Schema Therapy has a chance because it's based on hypnotherapeutic techniques working with emotions. Jeffrey Young developed it specifically for NPD after he noticed that talk therapy just doesn't work. It's no good merely having a conscious logical understanding of a situation....we have 2 minds. I use hypnosis & EMDR with clients that have been in these relationships ... since they have the same "2 mind" contradictions....most have a logical understanding...but cannot control themselves emotionally. Ironically, partner behaviour can support and reinforce the narcissist's behaviour.
Another good option. Sounds like you guys might have the money to do it. Psychedelic therapy works wonders at death of ego and honest self realization. The two best are ibogaine and 5-meo-dmt. The second isn't as affective but easier. The first youd have to take a trip to South America. Both are effective however. You will need someone who is a guide to talk to them. The other option is getting saved. When we die in Christ and are born again he begins to heal all these things. It takes time but it can be cured. However, It usually takes someone like this serious trauma and loss to reach the point of humility required for salvation. The gift is free, but you receive it on his terms. Unless you can see the sin in your life, feel godly sorrow, and cry out for forgiveness, you won't ever receive it. Thats an issue for these people, heck for most people. Though death of ego is a good place to start either way.
I just feel so exhausted that lately all I’ve been doing with my husband when he starts his tactics (blame shifting, gaslighting, etc) all I say is “I see what you’re trying to do and I’m not participating” and walk away.
@@cherobinson6371 I did exactly what you are describing. I left 33 year marriage because I finally realized nothing was ever going to change. I do not look back. I do not regret my decision. I love my life now.
I think they're more workplace suitable, where you HAVE to deal with them. With family friends and acquaintances you need a set of brass boundaries and the ability to say "No, that won't work for me" or "I understand you feel that way, but I dont' ." Or just gray rock them into leaving you alone.
It must be tiring and soul killing, though. Do you intend to leave or stick it out? You're powering through right now, but do you want to live that way forever? I hope you can get out and live a happy life without him (sooner rather than later).
Dealing with a narcissist is like a Tae Kwon Do battle. You are constantly blocking everything they say and you might get in a kick here or there. But it's exhausting and I have learned you absolutely must have no contact with these creatures.
It is really like verbal martial arts, most of them are high ranking in verbal judo but they use the knowledge & techniques to bully who they consider inferior rather than for self defense (something that would absolutely not be tolerated in an otherwise normal martial arts setting), I can tell you there is no pleasure like folding a narc's attack on the spot, but it's still better to go no contact because the attacks will just keep coming; expect no sportsmanship
I believe that you cannot make any kind of real relationship with a manipulator whether narcissist, sociopath or psychopath. So, those who are hoping that what Hughes says will help create/better a long-term relationship, they will be disappointed. His advice is for the short-term. I divorced my "diagnosed psychopath" after trying every conversational, psychological, logical, faith-based, etc. method. I eventually had to realize that nothing will work for a long-term marriage/relationship. Even after the divorce he kept trying to come back. I forced myself to say "NO" every time. It broke my heart but I am now free to be myself.
Dr Sam vaknin is the lead person on narcissism behavior disorder and he says exactly what you say. Don’t wast time just leave. It stems in childhood from age 2-9 and it’s like arguing with a toddler because they can’t comprehend nor do they care to. Good for you for seeing all this and removing yourself! Something to be proud of!!
me next! just kidding, forgive my odd sense of humor... but yes, you hit the nail on the head and I commend you for being able to follow through with your plan.
Anticipating that I absolutely LOVE Chase’s work, there’s a blind spot in this content about those sadistic manipulators who have the simple secondary gain of hurting and damaging you - this is a nuance of the control and attention gains. No matter how well you identify and address their need and respond to their need rather than their manipulation, sadistic manipulators are ten steps ahead of you and will not back down until they see you broken. In these cases, unless you’re willing to go through a soul-destroying path of self-destruction, the only way to neutralise them is to engineer them out of your day and if possible, out of your life. Trust me, I’ve worked as a team manager with these individuals and tried all these strategies- they work once at best until the manipulative person has sassed you out. They are simply way better at playing these games than us caring balanced people and they won’t be beaten at their own game. There’s no end to the lengths they’ll go to damage you because their gain is simply to DA.MA.GE you. Steer clear.
People like this are narcissistic, but they are also sociopaths or psychopaths, which is something different, and extremely dangerous. These evil characters not only thrive on control and manipulation, but part of their agenda is to cause pain and suffering, intentionally. Your garden variety narcissist doesn't mean to hurt you, it just happens as a result of their unconscious personality patterns.
Very well said!! You are spot on!! Underlying their motives to get whatever it is they’re after in the moment is the ever present base desire to cause as much damage & pain as possible. My advice is always “RUN. As fast & as far as possible & do it NOW.”
Yes I agree….there is no way to work with a mean spirited Narcissist and if they are a personal part of your life..they know how to really hurt and negate your feelings…
Not all manipulators are narcissists. But...all narcissists are manipulators. A real narcissists has no empathy and tactics don't work most of the time.
Can anyone e plain the differences. I acknowledge its my fault for rushing into this relationship like he seemed to love me so much I was a young widow. Now a year in and pregnant all these extreme abusive stuff arising at first subtle then completely obviously and clear as day. Like I'm 7 months pregnant he will get home walkpast me ignore me no hi. Then walk past again and slap me on the ass really hard to where I could fall over almost. I don't like that he knows that it's not in a sexy way. Then I question am being too sensitive ect. If I bring something up to calmly talk about he goes ug here we go again, we'll you keep doing this...ect he flies into a rage your gonna make me go get a 24 pack and bangs the table. I only spoke 2 sentences calmly like hey can you please say hi to me loving not smack me so hard to where I almost fall over. It's very confusing bc he's only like this sometimes, like 2 different personalities I don't know? I'm starting having to log it secretly.
@@shinycretinsounds like you made a horrible decision to get pregnant with someone like that and bound to him for the rest of your life. That sucks. Ppl need to stop rushing into pregnancy. These poor kids suffer more than ya’ll do when they’re born into narcissism. It’s a very dangerous situation you’re in. Sorry to hear. Please get some self esteem. I don’t mean that as an insult, I mean that no person with self esteem who loves themself would put up with such behavior from someone. It’s really sad. I’m afraid for your child especially. They are so innocent grow up thinking it’s normal to be treated that way and the cycle repeats 😢
@@ip2105 it's a good channel. I like Chase a lot myself. His advice in dealing with narcissists is straight to the point and tells you exactly what to do, unlike other advice videos. And he's right. He has a wealth of knowledge that he shares. I like his body language videos as well. I tend to think it is one of the most valuable channels also. No one has said that you must agree with the OP. Just because you don't value the channel the way others do, doesn't mean that others are wrong in their opinion. Dictating what "language" someone should or shouldn't use ... on a video regarding how to deal with narcissism ... is very interesting. Honestly, the fact that you even bothered to comment on this post like that says more about you than it does the OP. Have a nice day!
@@xx_Joker_xx When we put someone on a pedestal, we ignore their flaws, which can make it easier to miss or excuse dishonest behavior. It’s better to stay down to earth, appreciate them for who they really are, and be aware that they are just people
I've often said trying to have a relationship with a narcissist is like disarming a bomb on a regular basis. The work is dangerous, but you've just made it less so. Still...if you can just run away without having to disarm the bomb...
I usually just use my headphones and tell the person that I know where you need to go if I'm taking him somewhere and I'm listening to my Bible for the day and getting into my app and I have things that I'm doing to for my day and I just usually listen to my headphones with my Bible app on or music or my program of some sort can you tell me if that works just putting on earbuds or headphones and say sorry but I'm busy listening to my program so I really can't hear what you're saying to me so just tell me what you need to tell me now or where we're going and get the information but I'm going to I won't be able to hear you because I'm going to be listening to my program what do you think I'd like some feedback I never get any feedback I just post something I need some feedback is what I need
@@Rumotorizednosparknoride-w9iif this is just a work type relationship I would suggest to that person that they call an uber. In a relationship with a parent, significant other, sibling, teenager etc, the earbuds solution has not worked for me & actually escalates the already abusive ugliness in the narcissist.
Taking him somewhere? are you in a relationship or a carer? that doesn't sound like a sane relationship. If it's someone at work acknowledging them isn't what you want to do because it doesn't matter what you say any response they know they're still effecting you. The change needs to happen inside so it doesn't matter to you at all how they're behaving you need to be completely unresponsive even on the inside to the effects of their behavior. For me i finally lost it with a group of people like this but it also helped me get it out my system and release their negative energy they were putting into me and now it doesn't matter to me. They try to make you feel ashamed of losing it of feeling emotions but it was also a much needed release it was super cathartic to me suppressing it did me no favors. It might not be for you but personally i can't hold things in i need to just release things and i'm not ashamed of it. I now always use grey rocking and the second they try to interact with me become completely unresponsive and go totally unresponsive. It's very easy for me now because they've lost their effect on me and for the most part they go away, they try to take it in turns to get through that boundary sometimes because they will keep trying if there's even a possibility they can get me back but i'm no longer consciously there because i have no feelings towards it anymore. I'm not acting unresponsive either i genuinely don't want be responsive to them now. I know how they behave isn't coming from a mentally sane place so i use that knowledge to remind myself whenever someone like this pops up. A little bit of me is still never going to like it because nobody does but grey rocking is what everybody else seems to do too as a social boundary and it really works. It was nice of people to not tell me years ago though when i needed it even then but focusing on the vibe of everybody else really centers me though and then i can keep thinking clearly and not feel any emotions towards it at all. We're energy beings as well as physical beings so tuning into the stable and sane enough energy vibe of everybody else will keep you centered. Nobody else is doing anything only these narcissistic people even if they try to make you think so but you have keep perspective on that that no they're not.
Its not about them at all......😂 They show you the way back to your authentic self, to self love. A narc is just him self, doing nothing wrong, its all about you. Stop pointing outward and start working on yourself. Its karma between you and him, in spirituality its called soul contracts. Lessons to be learned ❤🙏
I have 35 years of marriage to a covert narc and I can tell you that 99% of the time these tactics will diffuse the immediate situation at hand but, rarely solve the underlying problems on a permanent level. I instinctively used these skills with limited success the longer the marriage went on. Navigating the toxic minefield of their imagination, which does not trust people by default, becomes an ever challenging and daunting task with diminishing returns on investment. As an aside, I would like to point out that the word "manipulation" has a negative connotation which is not really warranted. We all manipulate. It simply means to skillfully control by ones hand (or by extension) which can be exercised for good or for evil. EVERY piece of advice given in this video is by nature manipulative- albeit for good. You are giving advice to help skillfully control the conversation and energy flow in the midst of combat toward something which is helpful in resolving problems. Thank you. Jeffrey Z. in SC
Obviously getting out of a relationship is best, but these are fabulous tools for somebody stuck in a situation where they have to deal with a narcissist. So grateful for these tips.
@@Michele-rva What's fascinating about the conundrum of narcissism is that the theory goes that both Narcissism and Empathy are triggered by trauma. I think some of us are born empathic and some are born defensive. I don't believe in the 'tabula rasa' theory: we all arrive with our genetic inherited propensities which is further modified by our experiences and environment. It's how people can respond differently to a similar setting or event. It's a matter of temperament too.
It pains me to hear that. I agree. When you put a narc in their place with facts and logic, they will "get you back" eventually. They will not self introspect and change. They will devise a plan to establish dominance and control. It might even be "pass me the salt" (telling you what to do) when they can clearly reach it themselves. They are relentless in the desire to feed their ego imo. I can't imagine the amount of planning/mental energy in general they use to increase their ego.
I once stepped into my work room ( a lab) and started writing my boss's orders exactly in order as she had just given them. She saw, and came into the room to ask what I was writing. Her response was that I just needed to remember. But correct performance of her orders was not her goal, but rather accusation that I had not complied. My written record did not conform with that plan. She needed me to always be wrong.
Yes - they need someone to project everything they can't handle about their own failures onto. They have fall guys in every area of their lives but especially in their closest relationships. If you're that guy/gal the only thing is to get away. They go after you the hardest if they know you're on to them.
Is it their need to always be right? I had a boss like that and left but meanwhile the union rep taught me exactly how to respond to her. If we caught moments and affirmed her helping, would it diffuse it?
I dealt with a narcissist in the form of a best friend when I was 15-21. I always did the “pause.” It really did not take this individual too long to move on after I got fed up with her bull. That was a really stressful time in my life, and thank God, He got me through it.
Silent reflection is so powerful. You begin to see them unravel, especially when they immediately fill the space with something like, “Did you hear me”?
I tried these on my narcisistic mother and while they may work in some situations, usually all they result in is a shift to more personal attacks and/or an escalation. What's more, they will find something else that will get you upset/ angry next time. It's reallynot a good idea to make a narcisist feel shame, especially in public. You do not want to mess with these people and they will not self=reflect or realise they are wrong. Then again there are different types of narcisists and even within the same type, it is a spectrum , so perhaps it can work on some. Also, the advice is great for other types of manipulators and can be used there
@@tina-jr9sl I’ve bad the same experience as you and have had to block and go through a lot of therapy to handle this. I also agree that if I confront it will get worse for me but the fact that it’s possible to diffuse and have someone looking out for us gives me hope :)
It's really difficult when it's a close relative. It will never stop. It's relentless. I had to forgive and take control to protect myself but that has taken YEARS to understand. This vid is good for people to realise that it's not OK and not your fault with some strategies to begin to take control and create boundaries but with love of sorts. It's still hard and isn't a quick fix. Unfortunately, there will never be a quick fix 😢❤. It's about you. Seems to me, you can't help or change them but you can still forgive and love them while protecting yourself 💜
When it's a close relative, you set off again with faith and good intentions and always leave feeling like sh*t, vulnerable Narcissist are worse, you try to implement things and Chase always has excellent life lessons, but as with anything it takes time, and they Will Not Change Or Reflect Ever, but every new skill is a plus in navigating relatives like this
@@michelleeven24 They can't/won't change. If you can learn to understand they're tactics and not to engage in they're game. Confrontation is they're game. There is no love or care from them so don't look for it there. I know it is very difficult when you have someone close to you that behaves like this,and they can affect you in awful ways. It takes strength and self love. Peace and love.
This helped. I showed it to my husband and I was in a place of fear and he de-escalated the situation by saying what would you like to get from this conversation. I didn’t know but it helped me stop and think and become aware that I wasn’t having a conversation with him I was talking at him. I don’t want to treat people I love like that. But coming from a place of insecurity I can come across like that. It was how I was raised and it’s hard to unlearn.
Having grown up with a narcissist mother, you must know how much I wish I had these tools and understanding back then. I was 65 years old when my daughter and a stranger within the same week, tell me mom is a narcissist! I turned to UA-cam and found two psychologists that talk about narcissism and I felt like they were talking about my life and struggles! Thank you so much for sharing this vital information!!
I find it helps me to understand them better if I think of Narcissism as a form of immaturity or arrested development. Like small children in an adult body behaving like naughty children. At least it prevents me from taking gibes and tantrums too seriously. I don't think Narcs are very in touch with their feeling and may even feel threatened by emotional overwhelm. A certain detachment is helpful.
The thing is, they will always find a new and creative way to get at you and thereby get what they “need”. It is a constant careful dance on eggshells. It is exhausting. It never ends. But it will work for workplace situations and for that I’m grateful.
Loved when he says “focus in understanding the manipulator’s need, don’t focus on the behavior.” Awesome way to become aware and to make the other person aware. Brings the communication to a good balance
These are great tips for when you have to engage. But it’s also important to maintain emotional distance from the person and not get emotionally attached to outcomes
Something I’ve learned being surrounded by narcissistic behavior is they are like bloodhounds sniffing out my own insecurities. I used his behavior to heal my insecurity and eventually deflated his balloon. For example, calling me a liar is a trigger. Once I stopped being triggered by that, he had no fuel. P.S. Chase you’ve guided my life in so many ways. thank you! 💞🤟
IT was fun. They thought IT was an insecurity, coz I cried and stuff. But I have sayed "Yes true, I have No Feelings. I am cold. I am Bold. I am crazy. I am a crybaby and I am proud to say yes to any Corner of myself." Silence was the answer or: They Block u and Cut you Out of their lives.
@@SeelenTaucher I was cut out 8 years ago; was the last time I was allowed at a family gathering. I feel you. My step dad just wrote me a message “I hope you are getting the help you need from the county.” What a thing to say. 🤷♀️.
@@SeelenTaucher I've used that tactic too, but it feels devastating to say those things about myself. So I stopped doing that. I will not slander myself.
I remember a friend, a psychologist, telling me we all have some narcissistic traits. This advice seems useful for everyone, but not necessarily some of the more extreme pathological narcissists.
Half the battle regarding these types, is recognition. However, they do tend to behave or act in a certain way. They use a very familiar language and behaviour no matter where in the world they are. The best way to deal with these types is; 1. Recognise their typical behaviour patterns. 2. Switch off your emotions. 3. Expect “fireworks” when they don’t get their way.
"types" ? Are we not all people?! How about rephrasing: 'Half the battle regarding these people who struggle in narcissism is recognition.' Why you ask? Because I suspect you too have character flaws and yet don't consider yourself a "type."
@ not only do I have character flaws, I can also be extremely narcissistic or psychopathic should the need arise. I choose not to be. I say the words “types” because they are sub human. A film reference to try to explain this is a John Carpenter 1988 film called, “They Live”. It shows that there are different types of people which can only be recognised if you recognise the behaviours of them. In the film, these types are recognised by the film characters wearing sunglasses. These types which I refer to, can be recognised by their speech patterns, voice volume, speed of words, pitch of words, specific words and phrases, their body language, facial micro expressions, physical ‘tactics’, such as sabotage, etc. there is also a certain immaturity to them.
I grew up with parents who used FOG daily either with me or each other. That’s what I learned and used in my relationships sometimes. As I heal and learn about what healthy relationships look like it feels so freeing and hopeful. Thank you for not making people who use manipulative behavior into villains. People can change, choose love and do what’s healthy. It’s hard work but worth it. Good work on you!
I made a comment and then saw yours; I’ve experienced this with adult children. I lost a lot of time with them as they were growing up because their father wanted a divorce after putting me through a breakdown. Later learned about some pretty awful mind games they were put through. But I healed and got stronger; one child (adult) will occasionally use the tactics on me but I normally recognize it, pointed it out long ago and won’t engage. I’ve seen improvement but just went through it the other day (and had been so long) and realized it was likely a response to severe stressor. Doesn’t make it “okay” but I’ve also seen a lot of fear in her; it has to be VERY hard to realize that you’re having to navigate what and who people are, what is acceptable and normal (healthy) as an adult, when it’s your parents’ responsibility to help you learn that as a child. Really appreciate your comment, gives me additional hope my children will be able to keep navigating toward better and more satisfying lives and good relationships with other people.
Knowledge and understanding tools are a great defensive and allows critical thinking habits to steer uncomfortable social situations to unravel. Forming a habit takes 21 days.
@@Natty183love this. I as well challenge myself to a 20 day recognition of manipulative behaviors. Both in myself and others. While continuing the challenge of moving as if I’m submersed in a pool of water.
I had an experience a while ago, where i knew exactly what their objective was from the outset. It was extremely upsetting, given they used my birthday as their excuse to get in touch-after 16yrs of no contact. I heard how i was still their 'lovely, kind sister', who theyd always love, and how upsetting everything (theyd done to me) had been-for them. I was waiting for regret/apology, but it never came. I kept my integrity throughout and addressed the elephant in the room, without accusation. I knew it was all gaslighting 101 though. I had the physical evidence to back myself up and offered to provide it for them too. From there, they just became nasty so i said the conversation was pointless, toxic and over. And i stuck to that.
When they begin to shift the blame to you instead of acknowledging any wrong on their side, they know you are winning. At that point, you can change gears and leave them.
@@sherrillsturm7240 ahhh, she was awful. I was just v sad that the toxicity & manipulation, hadn't changed over all those years. All the psychological game-playing, was still there. As I say, I saw it from the start because having been her sister for 40yrs beforehand, I'd already known those things about her. The 16yrs then passed and you kinda hope certain things about a person can change during the time that you haven't seen them for, but nope. I just felt really disappointed and that's what upset me the most-to see that she hadn't changed-and never would. That she could only get her jollies by manipulating or using others-rather than appreciating her life & being happy, just for the sake of being happy. That was sad to me. I don't believe she was ever sorry for what she did that caused our separation. But that she was only sorry she couldn't use me any more.
At work, my go-to with toxic people who try to shame/ scold others is to say "Can we find a better way to work together? This type of interaction isnt going to work for me and I'd prefer to collaborate by focusing on the solution instead". Boundaries! Works eveytime!
I tried a similar thing and they (the potential narcissist) said to do whatever they said and stop being - insert whatever gaslighting story they tell everyone - It was a futile exercise. What other ways have you explored?
@@rebshannonlingah the next level narc! Sorry u are going through that. I tell on them before they do and let the higher ups deal.. that's what they get paid for. They've tried putting me in a meeting with the person to work out our 'disagreement' but I declined and said 'it would be untoward to involve me in meetings about their performance". Also gray rock or mirror ing have worked. I make a sport of just trying to be funny around those types of people because it lightens the mood and disarms some of the drama.
Wish I had the guts to say that to an on the job bully, years ago. Instead, I developed a thick skin, and determined that I’d never let it be said that I’d allow someone to cause me to quit my job. It was during a very difficult time in life, but I managed to continue in my position for 15 years, and retire early.
This could work with an average narcissistic person, but an actual malignant narc is a dangerous expert, smarter than all of us (in this matter), and are willing to do things you can't even imagine. They have charmingly, carefully cultivated a very broad reach. If you are their target, I guarantee they are more well liked than you - If they think you are on to them they will destroy you to protect themselves. Deflect. Play dumb. Run away. Stay away.
Chase - This couldn't have come at a better time... I am preparing for a big conversation w/ my extremely manipulative boss. I will listen to this a few times in preparation! TY 🙏 ❤
@Natty183 Thank you very much! I have learned a lot from Chase on how to handle people like this - that constantly play chess with life. I am intelligent but honest, so I take people at face value. Unfortunately, I am learning the hard way that not everyone is like me. Thx for the good wishes 😊
As a counterbalance I would say that once you are able to be the person of Authority you'll notice you don't have to do any of these things because Narcissists know they can't speak to people in Authority in this way and, if they do, they realise really quickly it doesn't work. Be Authoritative and watch the Narcissistic behaviour disappear. Thanks Chase.
Yes, and if you don't have actual authority, you must act as though you do. Authorities don't raise their voices, they're relaxed, even smiling, but they do let the other person know the way it must be. This can be dangerous. You must know your antagonist.
Their behavior doesn't go away, they swallow it for a while but it resurfaces somewhere else, at another time, against someone else and then it's probably even worse because they feel humiliated.
That is exactly correct. Also realize that when they try to show they have “changed” in some way by being subservient or other non characteristic behaviors, that this is another form of manipulation to get you back to trusting them again. Its about maintaining that authority. Thanks for saying this.
Fascinating tactical breakdown... I was raised by a narcissist, and have tendencies too, and might be married to one, but he diffuses me better than I do him... Healing comes from being reflective on how we try to control each other with words or emotions, how much of that was programmed in childhood, gaining new tools to stay calm and respect each other's authority and autonomy and learning to be on the same team as a couple.
Another psychologist said that narcissists are like toddlers in a grownup body! That opens up my eyes. They behave like 3 year olds throwing tantrums infront of the cashier,when they don’t get what they want etc. You can’t discuss with them. Even though they bully other people, when others clap back or run away from them,they call themselves the victim. The exhausting thing about them is the constant need to dominate and shade other people combined with being extremely clingy at the same time. The most important thing is……..run away from them and don’t look back 🏃🏽♀️➡️.
Yes, except that toddlers will throw their tantrums in front of the whole world (honesty). Whereas these people know better … and are likely to have the person they are tormenting look crazy, disturbed or mean “in public”. Or downplaying it, if you are just blindsided by the first few “events” and not clear in what is happening or why.
Thank you so much Chase, I'm dealing with this exact thing right now. Trying to find a safe exit strategy for me and my daughter. This video came at the exact right moment.
Wishing you the best of luck, hope and strength for you and your daughter. If you can, always ahead of time, prepare and look into what your rights are, what your options are, have a plan A, B and C. Always trust your instincts and know that you are always stronger and more resilient than you think you are. Remember strengths you had before the abusive relationship and know you still have that power. Best of luck 🙏
Thought id share some experiences I’ve had using these tactics and my thoughts: I noticed when I’ve argued with people who have a high level of narcissism- I listen to what they’re saying sorting through the manipulation as they’re speaking and wait for them to finish then I give the conversation that pause of silence and they HATE this. After 3 seconds it’s questions like “aren’t you going to say anything? Do you even care?” From them. I tell them I’m thinking about what they’re saying and come up with an elaborate response. Talking to these people requires a high cognitive load and as a people pleaser I’ve spent my life in hyper vigilance trying to read through the lines of manipulators to understand what they actually want versus what they’re saying- it’s so exhausting. I would say the most confusing communication style is passive aggressive though
The passive aggressive covert types are the absolute worst for me to figure out…they will say one thing and turn around and say the opposite to everyone else who then never say anything to me and it looks like I’m the one being effed up by intentionally going against what was originally agreed on…it pisses me off when I find out that I was set up to be the fall guy for the narcissist when they were the ones who caused the mess then asked me to fix it for them…and being she’s my mother…I’m the evil hateful child she blames everything on openly now that she knows I know what she’s been doing…
@w8what575 Uau, mate, this is effing crazy-making, on purpose. Pls leave to save your sanity. I have been there, lived that. It consumes all your mental time and focus... just to be prepared for the next trap. 🍀🍀🍀
Covert narcissism is crazy. I fell into that trap with Dad's 4th wife. Just there to help, being asked to extend my stay, then noticing weird reactions and realizing gossip full of false narratives was in play. Her need to always have a scapegoat in hand turns out to be just another way to manipulate the current golden child into doing more for to feed the narcissist. It's unreal, seeing a mother do this kind of triangulation to her children and grandchildren, just because she never learned how to get her needs met and resolve her childhood into a sound adulthood. I hope you get through this with calm knowledge that there is no magic bullet, just good tactics to manage not so good ones and healing yourself with compassion and humor.@@w8what575
Narcissistic Abuser for 30 yrs it destroyes you im very happy to see it is becoming a major break through so others will walk away and save themselves ...
Happy to say that no contact works! Only once my youngest turned 18 was I able to employ this tactic without consequence to either of my kids. It was worth the excruciatingly long wait to enjoy life without constant drama. For everyone going through this without an easy alternative - hang in there. Life isn’t meant to be that difficult.
@@Rickettsia505 Grey rock my current strategy, too. I've got 2 and a half years to go. I'm Catholic, so I'm using this suffering to offer Our Lord. He was abused and accused, too. Praying for you.
I can’t thank you enough for this video. I had a ten minute conversation with my mom the day after Thanksgiving that left me struggling with thoughts of worthlessness and suicidal ideation. Fear, Obligation and Guilt really struck home with me and made me realize that I was in fact being manipulated. I desperately needed this video in my life and it popped up at exactly the right time. I’m grateful.💜
This video is so helpful. My father is a Narcissist with an explosive temper. It’s taken a whole lot of years to understand him and still it’s hard to communicate at times. He’s a good man, he is not without empathy and love. He just sees the world as he sees it. Thanks for this 🤗💜
Asking for what I need in a direct way is something I still find difficult as an adult. Unfortunately, I recognize myself in both the manipulator and the manipulated. It is nice to come across a UA-cam video in which manipulative behavior is described as something with an underlying need. This way I can recognize the need (meet the need direct) in myself or the other without having to demonize someone at all. Something that certain UA-cam influencers fail to recognize when talking about this behavior, Chase fortunately keeps it a lot more objective. Thank you.
Now you have revealed you personal need. Communication shyness is a tactical avoidance of your own fragility. Turtles pull inward to ward off threats. This new skill is transformational and will be a successful for your future. Listen for it, so you will understand their own personal fear and take your space @@karenteneyck9835
@@karenteneyck9835 I love this idea. It's simple and easy to remember, but makes so much sense and can be used in so many situations. I will use this! Thank you for sharing!
Thank You; This is a great video of how to disarm . It’s not about changing them, it’s about protecting and deflecting them. If you are with a narc; run. Find comfort for yourself and leave. Peace to all.
Years ago we learned “assertiveness” and it seems that the best thing I learned was to simply acknowledge their message while letting them own it. “I understand that you feel that way”. Or “I am sorry that you feel that way. Your suggestions are congruent with what I learned back then. I was able to change my life as a result. Thank you for the reminders.‼️💜💃🌻
Although those sentences are useful in certain situations (such as narcy people, that have pushed way over your boundaries/ or have been overly manipulative to you), please be careful. In other circumstances (eg with a friend, relative etc that is simply having an annoying one off day), it may harm your relationship if you respond this way. It even may lead them to think you are the narc in the situation. In certain situations you may prefer to use a more authentic and caring reply.
"Manipulators depend on our emotions" The key is catching yourself at the moment.Your body is flying into fight or flight, that very moment, the manipulator hits our trigger & if it's someone who's been in our life for a while or our child, our body is reacting w/ the animal brain as it has a hundred and ninety nine times, before. We have to stop, as soon as our bodies feel that heightened emotion. We have to stop as soon as our breathing increases. And we began scrambling for answers or scrambling to appease them, like we always have. It's like a muscle. The first time you may not notice that you did it. The second time you may notice that you did it a few moments ago. The third time you'll notice you just did it. The fourth or time you'll take a deep breath like we're told to , here. And then it'll start to get easier. Practice makes "perfect" - or at least good enough!
I appreciate your comment, after learning some information and tactics I've been practicing and it certainly is still a work in practice. I've been practicing staying present in my body and relaxing in my body around them. And practicing reminding myself to stay present mentally and emotionally when I'm around them for when they go into antagonising mode. Now when I notice I've got triggered, gone into fight/flight/freeze/fawn mode, I'm practicing remembering to take deeper breaths, make sure no emotion shows on my face, take that pause, and look them straight in the eyes whilst giving some grey rock answer. It works. Looking forward to living somewhere where it isn't necessary to live like this.
Good timing. There are some non-admin people at my new job who get off on subjugating people. I'm too old for that dung. I just need a tactic other than my middle finger. "It feels like you are trying be trying to assert power over me by getting angry and complaining to the manager about one ice cube being left on the cart."
Some of these people are so sneaky and are so irrational that they can not grasp anything that makes sense. These tactics are great, but the amount of energy and effort you just get tired and give up.
The important part of this video is to help us, not them. Basically you learn to outwit a narcissist, rather than fall prey to them. Remember when they make you emotional, that is what feeds them .. this is an excellent video, thank you for sharing.
This is great information for dealing with people with narcissistic traits, and in settings like work, but with a full blown narsissistic personality disorder in a close relationship, not so much. The problem is narcissists truly do not live in the same reality as the rest of us, they live in a "shared fantasy", which is their own fantasy world that they try to enforce to everybody around them. So when you try to argue something in the real world, they answer happens in the fantasy world, and nothing productive comes out of that, practically ever. You only open more doors for the narcissist to force the fantasy world onto you. So the best way to react is truly the gray rock and and planning your escape. The best decription of this I have ever heard is the video about narcissist's gaslighting being different by The little shaman. Don't let the odd channel name fool you, that video is a true masterclass on narcissim and I cannot recommend it enough, as someone who has a narcissist as a close relative.
Agree. I don't have experience with narcissists in work settings but I have a close family member and some of this would unfortunately make things worse. The part about not reacting with feelings (or even better; not reacting at all) and boundaries is what works.
Thank you. I think true Narcissist are a little more difficult to deal with, but there are those who use these behaviors and can be helped. Again, thank you.
Just listening to your "solutions" makes me mentally exhausted... Once we understand there is no way out, no matter how hard you try and how much emotional intelligence you use, toxicity will always be damaging, no matter what.
i second this feeling. it just makes me more furious to have to live tactically, wasting my time, energy, effort, my whole damn life on someone who refuses to accept responsibility for their behavior.
I`ve seen so many videos on this topic, and each of the narc abuse self help experts advised me to go no contact or gray rock without proper explanation or examples. This video is the most helpful I have ever seen, bc now I actually know what to DO, when no contact is not an option. Thanks a million 🙏🙏🙏
Great advice in many situations. However, some narcs are not able to „second-guess themselves, reconsider or realize their tactics don‘t work“. Those are the ones that just amp up in meanness and cruelty. Especially if you have won the scapegoat lottery with an unconscious parent, it‘s either total subjugation or run. Their for them existential need (and view) of you in that role is written in stone. And if you are the last person on earth, they will not be able of anything else than to FOG you up relentlessly until the day they die. But for all other variations of interactions with manipulators your clip offers the best possible methods 💪👍 Thank you! 🙏
Agreed. It is great advice, but be careful if you're dealing with a real narc - especially a malignant one. They will ONLY escalate, and that could put you at risk!
I agree my experience was that any /all tactics were still used against me.. Some of them can be so clever it's incredible. I found being calm only aggravated them even more...
You're very articulate and what you say makes good sense. When it's a relative, I'm a deer caught in the headlights. I know what they're doing and would love to deal with it, but I become speechless. SOB's Yeah, probably a psychological reason why I freeze. Nevertheless, I'm still aware of their bs, which I'm glad for, yet unfortunately, because it's family, I surf the waves and take my leave, sooner than later.
@ricalina4371I totally agree. I've had not 1, but 2 bosses, 1 male, 1 female that were truly at the psychopath end of the narcissistic spectrum. NOTHING I did changed them one iota. Add to that having not 1, but 2x wives that had more than a trace of narcissism & it was a recipe for a breakdown. 5 years on... have an excellent partner now who introduced me to some online teaching on narcissism (Dr Les Carter- Surviving Narcissism) and I'm on the slow road to recovery... at 58 years old. Yes, I'm a slow learner, but I'm getting there at last
It doesn't matter what you say to the Narcissists. They aren't listening to you. The whole time you talk to them they're thinking about themselves and what they're going to say to manipulate you, gaslight you, insult you. I refuse to be disrespected and expect to coddle them. Re: the work scenario i would blatantly say, "welp, now you know better for next time. Have a good one. Byeeeeeee".
"You made it to the end, most people don't do that. I know you're most likely committed to learning these skills and I'm willing to bet that you're one of the few people who realize these are the skills that determine success, and they always have." Funny to hear that on a video about manipulation, but we see what you did there, Chase. That's a good, carefully constructed, assumptive close you've got there. You're making us feel special about ourselves by calling us one of the "few" and framing it in a way that makes us feel like we should sign up, because you "know" that we want to be known as "skilled" and "successful." And lastly, saying your tips are the "best" and "always have been" like it's something everybody knows.
After all these years, I'm finally learning the art of manipulation... i mean persuasion ... i mean parenting... friending... relationship-ing. It's good advice.
I feel parts of the method are fundamentally empathetic and kind at a deeper level. I think it would change them to be less of what they are in the long run. Thank you for articulating. I am glad I discovered your channel ☺
Your uploads are so helpful Chase! I work in psychiatry for over 20 years. There's a bunch of things I already applied, but wasn't aware of doing. I learned to apply new things and more systematically. This content is excellent for refining methods and training coworkers and interns. Specially in the field of personality disorders.
I may never exit my season of isolation for that very reason. I would rather be single and happy than run the risk of another narcissistic entanglement.
The Cleveland Clinic's website offers the following, on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD): "Experts aren’t sure how common NPD is. According to research data, between 0.5% and 5% of people in the U.S. may have it. Between 50% and 75% of cases affect men and people assigned male at birth (AMAB)." 1 in 12 is a bit over 8%, and 1 in 8 is 12.5%. Let's hope the Clinic's 0.5% - 5.0% figures are correct!!
@@pipsissewa6623 I cannot find their source but it's likely research from more than 10 years ago. It's difficult to get numbers because narcissists don't present themselves as such.
Thanks Chase. This is an absolutely brilliant breakdown of manipulative behaviour! The FOG and CAVA acronyms really simplify a complex topic, making it so much easier to recognize those subtle tactics manipulators use. I especially appreciated the advice to mirror intentions instead of reacting emotionally - such a nuanced way to stay grounded and in control. The silent reflection tip is pure gold; it’s amazing how taking a moment to breathe can completely shift the power dynamic. Thanks for such a clear, actionable approach to dealing with these situations
I have tried something like that with my sister. She reacts by getting really aggressive, bullying me for being sooo wise. Last it was an sms correspondence, and when she was met only with calm words, making sense, she ended up by saying she would have nothing to do with me and would block me (in order to get at least what she felt was the last word) she did, and we are not in contact. And I find it hard but also the only solution. I have had enough. But this, just to say: there can be serious consequences
Yes, but that are the rules of the narcissist. If they cant have you their way. They vanish. They lost interest because you are not any longer considered to be supply to them. That's all. Painful
Same w 2 narc sisters. No contact for 2 years. They have each other. I am long gone. After 40 yrs, yep, l had enough. Now after the distance of time l remember the nastiness and condescension and realize how truly awful they were. Shameful and embarrassing. But not to the narc. I wonder if they know they are narcs?
Sorry to hear that. But maybe going no contact was the most honest action you`ve ever seen from her. Maybe she just used you for regulating her emotions. And as soon as you said no, you were of no use for her.
I try not to get involved with manipulators. I interrupt every attempt at manipulation and have no contact with this person. I don't want to use all these techniques, it's too much effort just to get on with someone. I don't want to educate anyone and I don't waste energy dealing with the needs of manipulators.
Personally I just don’t listen to a word they say or shout at me. I just stick to my point and ignore their rudeness. They soon give up when they realise they can’t manipulate me into feeling scared, tongue tied, or apologetic. Some people think it is okay to be rude and aggressive, because they think it makes them superior to attack someone they think is weaker. No, it just makes them look stupid.
Excellent breakdown. Thanks for providing concrete steps with examples. I think it's useful, given the comments I've read, to realize that narcissism isn't binary - it's analog. These techniques aren't going to work on a full-blown narcissist with violent tendencies because they'll just resort to violence the minute they realize they don't have control. However, they will and do work on those who are manipulative and/or are on the less extreme end of narcissism.
I am not interested in "fixing" anyone. Fixing means you are avoiding yourself, engaging fixing the "other'. Perhaps you are the manipulator then! I am interested in maintaining and expanding my personal space and freedom. This has been very very helpful.
This has to be some of the best advice I’ve come across on this subject. The acronyms are also so handy because for anybody dealing with a narcissist, it can be very hard to think clearly and stay composed so the acronym here makes it so easy to stay focused on the disarm.
I see these tips as valueble communication tools in all sorts of genuin conversations that will definatly help you to feel more empowered instead of falling into the trap of feeling emotionally drained. As many mentioned here, there is a hugh difference dealing with these traits in others when you are less emotionally bonded or having to live with this constantly. When its just a regular person you can get away from them and go home, but when home is not a safe place and you re always need to walk on eggshelves and be on the alert.. I personally experienced it was very hard to maintain sanity as it totally drained me, you can use all the techniques you have learned, for me, they surely helped, but I couldnt keep up, if the other person is impossible or unwilling to put in his/her end of the effort, you probably have to get out, to keep your own sanity.. at least thats what I had to do..
Not all manipulators are narcissists, narcissistic traits are present in people with ADHD too. The results are still negative to the other party. If you can't go no contact, these skills seem like theyd be very helpful. If you cant quit your job to get away from someone that manipulates, learning to respond with control as outlined here could make your workplace more tolerable. Definitely food for thought. Thank you Chase. I have been separated from an abusive manipulator for 9 years, still have minimal contact because we have children, so this has helped me think about our interactions and how I can approach them with more confidence. The fact we use a family communication website definitely helps ❤
I'm sorry you were in an abusive relationship. I also had kids to a partner who shows narcissistic traits. We're a neurodiverse family, with one child adhd/autism. I also wondered if neurodiversity and narcissism were linked, but after a lot of researching, I don't believe they are at all. Neurodiverse people can struggle with empathy and communication when they're less regulated, and look narcissistic in moments, but they're not afflicted with a narcissistic personality all of the time, or have the same intent. I believe now that there's more link between attachment styles, self esteem/ego and the creation of narcissism. A person can be neurodiverse and have a healthy ego, in my experience, and their challenges are not going to be necessarily linked with narcissism.
It's all very interesting, however, dealing with a narcissist is like playing chess with a pigeon. No matter how you frame it, explain the rules etc, in the end, the pigeon will jump onto the chessboard, upset all the pieces, crap all over and fly away declaring itself a winner. You can analyse narcissistic behaviour for your own sake if it helps you understand what's going on (like observing a pigeon to learn about pigeons), but it's important to remember - narcissists don't want to solve anything. And for every solution you come up with - they come back at you with 10 more problems. Sad but true...
True
So very true, and I love your analogy. I have dealt with many Narcissists over my lifetime, and the information given here is great (if you are forced to interact with a Narc) but if you don't have to "play chess with a pigeon" don't. End of, walk away, save your sanity, and use your time wisely and for things that bring you peace.
You're playing a game of "Yeah but" so his video wod be useless for you
So true. It's exhausting.
The goal is NEVER to reason or negotiate with a Narc. It's to disrupt their tactics and show them you are not available for the game. This is best done in a work situation.
If you are living with a high-conflict abuser, you definitely need other tools, and an ESCAPE PLAN!!!
Wishing the people trapped in a violent situation all the love, luck, resources & courage.
We've REALLY got to engage with each other to set up safe zones, privacy zones, and financially feasible escape hatches. It's EXPENSIVE to protect & extricate targets of violence.
Obviously we can't depend upon the legal system. It's set up for the highest level of abuse possible for vulnerable people. Them's just the facts, folks.
😢😢😢
How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb 💡??
None - they use gaslighting !!
😂😂👍💯 so good...I will remember that one!
🤣😅🤣 thx
one, but it takes the whole world to revolve it around them
😅😂😂
😂😂
Anything you bring to light whether it’s non-confrontational or not, will always be confrontational to a narcissist.
@@hitslikeagirl1 truth.
Exactly. The very fact you're not immediately taking the position they want you to be in is reason for them to get upset.
People have narcissistic tendencies and are often unaware they're even doing it. It helps for them
@@SeaGrea I think by the time people start watching videos like these to figure out how to deal with someone we're past them just having tendencies
@@hitslikeagirl1 yep.
I'm a forensic psychologist who worked in a prison system. Many of these techniques will not work with psychopaths or narcissists who are demanding, childish, and excellent sabateurs. Set boundaries firmly. Do not engage. Do not fall foe their tactics. Do not argue. IF possible stay away.
Thank you and this is solid advice. I appreciate what Chase Hughes tries to do but using many of his ideas to my narcissist would not work. And I fear that people who are in a very difficult situation blame themselves when these techniques do not work and that makes it harder for them to get out and save themselves.
Bingo. Bullet point award❤
Very true. Find allies, don’t talk to them by yourself. In the co-worker scenario, go to the supervisor or get a trusted co-worker involved.
What does one do when they are forced to live with them and have no leverage because of disability, which is why there is any proximity to begin with? Is it possible to stand up to these bullies at all? Prior to becoming disabled I avoided my sibling, but I have no way out now.
@SaintFredrocks out. Lets change that to SUPPORT. Your resources are many and encourage u to privately inquire to acquire them.
1. Dept of Social Services. Get a case worker.
2. If a vet, Veterans Affairs. Youll be assigned a case worker.
3. If u get SSDI, you have a caseworker.
AND you can get a rep payee of YOUR CHOICE. AND request list of resources for support.
4. Many natl orgs to help disabled. Whatever ur disability, theres an org for it and people to help.
5. Federal ADA laws: theyre stronger than ever. Become familiar.
6. NAMI. Natl Assoc of Mental Illness. Supports. And help identifying and managing mental illness.
7. Meetups. Non official non gov grouos of people "meeting" online for virtually any reason/need. Great if u can speak, type, talk. Many groups for disables to share info, supports, friendships, interests, and well, meet ups in person.
8. Faith. GOD IS GOOD. Call on your local houses on worship. Find one u like by reading their website mission statements. Need a ride? Ask.
9. College/University. Milieu of services and info not just classes including ACCOMMODATIONS by law for disabled.
10. Law Enforcement. Last resort but get to know them. They can do welfare checks just by asking.
11. Community/Neighbors. There is a will and a strong will will find ways to make friends.
12. Group homes/assisted living. You dont have to live with abuse. Ask DSS.
13. If u can volunteer, online or in person, u are helping humankind; and there are millions who need a friend. IMO, the best way to beat anxiety and the abuser is to TAKE ACTION, FOR YOU.
WE'RE ALL DISABLED WITHOUT OTHERS. NO FAIRY GODMOTHERS WITH A WAND HERE. DO, NOT JUST FEEL.
LOVE YOUR WAY AND KEEP REACHING OUT. NEVER GIVE UP ON YOURSELF, FOR YOURSELF.
-Lyn from NY, Mom of Traumatic Brain Injured Son, Paying it Forward This Day
There is NO FIXING a narcissist. GET AWAY and STAY AWAY.
I agree. The day I told my covert narcissist fiance I was onto what he was doing, the directed attacks and manipulations skyrocketed. They KNOW when you get their gig, and after that it's all just trying to damage and destroy you. Just leave, and never look back.
You can label anyone for anything but it only takes a second to realize what they are doing by breaking it down, I have family and friends that are very narcissistic but defuse it by understanding what it is they are doing, this is an excellent video and to watch it done in real conversation brings the light to the dark room!
I agree. However that is time consuming and difficult in the work environment, which is how this is framed. A Narcissist is very good at exacting revenge on you through your superiors in the work environment and these techniques would definitely help keep things calmer. I wish this kind of informational video was available in the seventies and eighties as they would have made my career much smoother and likely far more secure.
@@aimsmallcq1218 I also agree. You are too unsure Untill that moment. You stay for the children, because your love or whatever reason you came up to..
@@gtaylor6937 the flying monkeys shirade just awful .
Best advice I’ve heard :
DEEP:
DON’T defend
DON’T engage
DON’T explain
DON’T personalize
Best formula you’ll ever need to save your mental health when dealing with a narcissist
all very true for me specially the dont engage . but when they go on and on and follow to keep on being nasty etc one can keep calm and not speak and or shout back only for so long . thats what i found but luckily not anymore since some years .
In other words…avoid them and don’t have them in your life lol
But do ignore
emotional responses gauged on intention I have found lately that the person labeled me as evil. Lmao
I'm only mirroring there true intentions.
I recently came across a similar acronym: JADE
DON'T Justify
DON'T Argue
DON'T Defend
DON'T Explain or Engage
Doing any of the above is an exhausting waste of time. They will NEVER change. They do NOT care about your perspective now, nor will they care about your perspective in the future, no matter how much you justify, argue with them, try to defend or explain your perspective. There is no resolving conflict or mutual cooperation. You will NEVER be heard, seen, or understood with these people. The only way to thrive and salvage what's left of your mental health is to go no contact or if that is impossible, then gray rock. Do not ENGAGE. They are relentless.
The example he gives is one of having to interact with a co-worker. So to all of the people in the comments saying "just don't have anything to do with narcissists," that's good advice but not always possible. Sometimes a co-worker is a narcissist and you have to deal with them regularly. This is extremely helpful for situations like that.
It’s also helpful if you’re in the process of divorcing. It can take a while to separate. And if kids are involved you have to continue talking with them for years to come.
@@Emily-pm5gr Good point!
Oh yeah because it's completely acceptable to say cut an entire group of people out of society because they have a medical condition.
That's not a hate crime at all.
I hope you can hear the irritated sarcasm in my voice.
I completely agree - this is extremely useful in a work setting
It works up to a point, if the co-worker either is actively campaigning against you (at one job I was getting regular death threats) or is playing a game of being discriminated against so the administration is afraid to touch them it's hard to meet their intent as they see losing power and just raise the ante.
My best tactic that worked every single time…as soon as I started feeling that the conversation was going sideways.. I would say “can you just hold that thought? I have to go to the bathroom”….. this always gave me the time I needed to plan my response or my exit!
you were also creating a break state, stopping the momentum and breaking the trance
They will not hold the thought haha because that would be doing what you want.
I do the same too but it emanates my every other relationships and interactions so Im not happy about that.
Wow thank you for this. Will try it 💕
My narcissistic husband does that to escape conversations when he is getting uncomfortable with being held accountable
He also uses he needs to eat or lay down to redt. I have begun to use same tactics when he demands instant info from me, don’t want to take tkme to give info he doesn’t really need, etc. Also suddenly something urgent I have to take care of and walk away. He wont come back usually because he wss only trying to control me
People unless you are a dependent child... RUN RUN AWAY from.these toxic humans! You can't fix them!
💯
This is true.. This is a mental illness!
Absolutely! but sometimes you can't, because they are your family, or your boss, or co-worker at a job you need. Sometimes they are your spouse, and you have young children together. Sometimes you have to learn how to deal with them, until a time when you can escape.
@ You are correct!!
@@Jen.K I certainly understand but as humans we need to protect ourselves from the toxic folks. Especially if there is anger or rage just under the surface & behind the mask. And women, females need to be aware if it's in a relationship you can NOT fix these people. ( I understand that many ladies think they can improve or upgrade their man's behavior... That can be dangerous both emotionally & sadly often physically)
They want you to get emotional,
they want you to explain yourself, they want you to doubt yourself.
Once you allow it, you’ve already lost. Ignore them, that will drive them crazy. They are not interested in problem solving, they mostly create problems out of nothing. If you need to ask “what is this actually about?”, then you already know what’s going on
"They want you to get emotional, they want you to explain yourself, they want you to doubt yourself."
Sure, because anyone who is actually a decent person WILL question themselves and even consider that their actions or words might not have been quite “appropriate”. THAT is understandable and forgivable, if you ARE dealing with another decent person. When you realize that isn’t how it concludes, that’s a huge clue.
Once you recognize that person is Narcissistic & will never improve or change, ponder this "why submit to this abuse"? Get away, don't return.
This is about mitigating chance encounters with narcissists in the workplace, not suffering in a permanent relationship with them. I took it as an assumption that you already want to avoid relationships with these types of people but you often have to deal with them in your job or other encounters.
@@mrf5347 truth
Arent we all narcisstic to some extent?
IMO there is a value exchange in any relationship the question is is it fair JMO
No CONTACT!!! ITS THE ONLY THING THEY WILL HEAR!!! U HAVE 2 DUET!! NO MATTER WHAT MANIPULATION THEY USE!!!
No CONTACT....4 EVER!!!!😡😡😡
@@LRRPFco52 . Mitigating chance encounters..chances are you working with someone like this and you have to have a very thick skin and not take things personally. ..it isn't your job minimize their behavior only their impact on your emotional well being..
I worked for a bully and a narcissist about 20 years ago and was terrified of her for a few years. Then one day she completely and publicly humiliated a colleague so I completely and publicly defended my co worker in a very calm but assertive voice. I’ve no idea where the courage came from but I can tell you this, she never bothered me ever again because she lost her power and she knew it. I wish you’d been around when all of this was going on but this video will be so very helpful to others.
Bravo ❤ you did well .
Amazing you did that, thanks for sharinf. However, telling this to people you personally know may open a pathway to exploit your free will further: you care more about others than your own wellbeing. I learned a few other useful tips from the _Shrink4men_ doc.
Awesome! Thank you for summoning the courage to defend your colleague.
Get over you fear.
You created a positive track record of success. Bravo!
I had a college professor who used to demean students in class. I confronted him (he tried to move the conversation to outside of class and I said no you brought this up in class I’d like to make my comments in class)….
And questioned him about the philosophical underpinnings of his
intent as a teacher.
Never made a dismissive comment in that class again.
By the time a person realises they are dealing with a narc, its potentially too late. You are in a disoriented, emotionally fragile state. A deer in headlights. Please don't try to stay and try to fight through. Unless you are trained to deal with these people, walk away. They will destroy you.
They never talk about the hell they put you through intentionally
This is true. Those of us who are not trained to deal with narcissists need to run.
I have children with narc and whenever I disobey, he's punishing children 😢. We don't live together for a long time but he seeks full control over my life anyway.
They appear in your life to learn you something important....its not about them after all. Master it and you will notice no one can take your power 😂😂 you only give it away 🎉
@@liepa7768 I am so sorry you are dealing with this. My heart goes out to you, I hope freedom finds you. ♥
It's like teaching a child to regulate emotions but directed to an adult which is exhausting
Yes…. to an adult who doesn’t want to learn or change or understand
And sometimes an adult with an endless need for control, adoration, and arrention...
Extremly exhausting ,have a neighbour this way . Wouldnd take no for an answer ,draining to see or hear her trauma and dramma gumping gossup im discusted with ,always nosing around others peoples bussines ,always wants something or begging for help . So muvh so i had to pretend im not home and wouldnt answer most of her phonecalls than she writes and that i would postpone . She was blocked 4 times of valid reasons and comes back like a boomerang with no dignity . Perhaps she thinks i dont see what she does . Tried to to part ways but she cantstop even when told straight to face and asked to fck off . Eventually she owes me money for a hard work i did for her ,tried to manipulate and controll me as to payment methods . I just gave up on the money , my piece is more important to me ,though it might be a reason she will bever come back . Priceless !😂
Absolutely no.
A child is a functional human :
Has compassion and ability to learn
A malignant narcissist is more a human turned into an animal. They will eat you from any possible angle.
It’s their motto, leit motif, moral basis and ego-enhanced natural predatory and destructive behaviour
I'm married to a 61 yr old child
I was in a relationship with a manipulator and narcissist for many years and I found out that whatever you say triggers them. If I didn't react and tried to stay calm (which was hard, such is the infuriation they give you), then he would get even worse. He wanted a reaction, and if he didn't get it things got very scary. Still makes me want to vomit every time I think about that guy and I haven't seen him for 20 years. Thank God he cheated on me and and I found out because that was the final straw and I finally left him. He then became someone else's problem and she got it worse than me by all accounts.
There is NO CHANGING these people ever. They never, ever think that it's them that's the problem.
There is no changing in anybody, by the way. You didn`t change either. You were his victim, and you`re displaying yourself as a victim now. It`s the victim mentality of others they thrive on.
That was my final straw too.
Well...finding out almost 3 years in that his ex of 9 months was still in his life
Always had been in fact..
They can have eachother.
I agree to many ppl have the victim mentality but when someone is a victim of abuse its not their fault for being one to try to say her explaining her experience is victim mentality shows that you yourself are most likely an abuser. Just saying ppl who victim blame usually do it to justify their own actions . @annaconda76
@@annaconda76 Unlike fully developed (and nueroconnectively, etc. malleable) human beings... narcissists, do not ever fully 'evolve' into mature adults, or change. (The best any of them can ever do is the "cold empathy," of a redundantly scripted, play- acting... soulless, void.) And ALL narcsters (covert narcs, in particular...) are the consummate, "victim." (i.e. They are never "accountable," for anything... in their childishly selfish, envious and pathetic lil' excuse, for a mind...)
What you did is called gray rocking the person, no emotion no reaction. You are then no longer their power source and they have to find someone else to plug into.
Some commentators seem to think that you are suggesting that recognition & knowing how to respond to a Narcissist will cause them to reflect, apologize and change!!! Evidently they don’t fully understand the video posted.
It’s not about “changing a Narcissist”. It’s about “DISARMING A NARCISSIST”!
Like Lions, Tigers and Bears a Narcissist DOES NOT change. BUT YOU HAVE TO RECOGNIZE AND KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THE ANIMAL YOU ARE DEALING WITH!!!
Very well said!!!!!
Exactly! It's about controlling our responses to disarm a narcissist. We can't change anyone but ourselves!
He doesn't say that at all. He explains how to make an abuser to back off. They never change but these tactics make them back off and understand that you are not abuse material. They will keep doing it until you cut them off completely though.
Ditto... I can tell you've been around the bush once or twice 🤣
By the time you're able to do this skilled enough you probably are a therapist yourself. If you are skilled at what you are doing enough to use for everyday life in dealing with a narcissist this takes years of practice. The time to achieve those skills will be years, and you will have been through hell and back!
Thank you so much for your UA-cam channel. I am a combat veteran, who has been tormented by PTSD for 30+ years. You sir have done MORE for me than the VA ever has. Everyday seems to be a struggle...but I am a warrior and I will not surrender to it. It has kept me in a mental prison.... hopefully I break free one day.
I will put you in my prayers.
Have u tried oxygen therapy hbt apparently it really helps PTSD.
@ huh
God Bless you my dear veteran brother. You have found this video for a reason. I truly believe we are led to content when we are ready for spiritual change. Thank you for serving our country. It’s such a difficult time. For many reasons. Are you retired or still in active service? My husband couldn’t sleep for more than 10 minutes at a time for 2 years. Quiet for him felt like danger. All these situations are something us civilians can only try to comprehend but your soul is crying out for healing. You can be healed. Prayers for you. ❤
@SpiritGuide11111 💜
It’s worth mentioning that most narcs do not know they are narcs. They are operating in the only way they know how, and any challenge to that upsets their entire framework of social reality, which will likely just trigger their narcissistic behavior even more. The best tactic is to remove the narcissist from your life. If you can’t get away from them, then be as uninteresting as possible. Engaging head on with a narcissist will end badly for you because there is almost no limit to how far they will escalate a situation farther than you and will win just by overwhelming you with chaos.
100% correct.
The advice Chase gives in this video is incredibly dangerous and harmful to victims of actual narcissistic abuse.
No contact is the ONLY way to handle actual, clinical NPD.
Are you perhaps referring to, or blurring the line between actual psychopaths and those who are, in my opinion, much more on a spectrum of psychopathy which is more nurture/ society influential as opposed to being born an intra-species predator devoid of emotion and empathy? Actual psychological need to be avoided at all costs. Just like the Terminator, they cannot be reasoned with or bargained with and will never stop until they get what they want. I feel there’s far more latitude with a narcissist. But hey, what do I actually know?!
Very true . But for those who are stuck in a situation with one ...this video is great advice
I had an HR person at fairly good sized institution tell me candidly once that the troublemaker employees never saw themselves as part of the problem. I've seen in my own experience they think they're heroes fighting against a bunch of jerks trying to ruin their day. The only limits on their behavior are self preservation-facing unemployment or jail time, and a massive insecurity that at times overrides. So it is an irony hearing the aggressive egoist talk about their panic attacks.
You’re absolutely spot on, the vast majority of narcissists are unaware, this is difficult for many people to accept because they look at the behaviours from the majority perspective, we know when we’re being manipulative. For someone with genuine NPD their narcissism is a hermetically sealed defence mechanism that helps them to pursue control, fuel, character traits and residual benefits. The narcissism subconsciously motivates the individual to pursue those things. The best thing to do with them is apply no contact if possible
Some of the manipulators get more smug and enraged when calmly called out.
I experienced the same thing. When faced with composed resistance the snake still tried to escalate and manipulate me multiple times without success while he was becoming increasingly emotional.
a true narc will do this.
I experienced this, yes. It was terrifying to be physically attacked and then forced to defend myself. I didn't expect that destructive reaction from them. The narcissists couldn't handle the fact that I successfully defended myself.
Only do such things with a narcissist if you are ready, willing and able to fight in a potential life or death situation. You may think they are just narcissistics but maybe they are even darker psychopaths or sociopaths, it they get amped up they might want to chuck you into pieces, don't think you know them well enough, you only know your own projectios you fell in love with and the persona they created to trick you, which means you don't know shit about them. Act accordingly
@f.schmid468 I was thinking these kinds of people could possibly be psychopaths/sociopaths.
So draining... I'd rather completely avoid such people...
Right? I completely feel this 😂
But in situations that you cannot escape- like a boss, or a troubled child who lives with you, like my Grandson who I will be there for until he's on his own feet, I think these can help. The entitled customers I work with are on their own 😂
and THAT is Much healthier for you !
They literally feed on your emotional energy, that's why you feel *drained!*
It’s hard when they’re your family
I dont know how to avoid. They are perfect in the beggining. I dated guy with whom I saw myself becoming toxic, defensive, overreacting and true drama queen. He made sure to confirm my reactions are not normal. Last date I spend 1 hours overexplaining his "jokes" are not funny but insults. He said I have no sense of humor and have some problems. I ended up apologizing for my "problems" while he knoded his head saying I have to work on myself. Then plot twist in the morning I asked to work on me for a little bit by myself because I want to stop being so "toxic" for him and be better and he said.....- he had somebody else and was just staling me cause he couldnt decide which one he wanted😮 i wasnt crazy all that time.... the gashlighting was out of the world... weirdest experience eveeeer
Most people who speak on Narcs usually just talk about spotting them, becoming aware of their affect on us, and then their solution is always to cut them off. What I appreciate about this is that sometimes you just can't. This advice is practical for interactions where you have to talk to the narc in question.
True, you cannot always avoid them or cut them out of your life, sometimes you are forced in a limited way to interact with them.
I’ve been married to a professionally diagnosed narcissist. First time he met a doctor was in 2019. He met with psychiatrist who has a specialty in neurology (Autism, ADHD and Bipolar etc.) several times and did different tests and evaluations.
The psychiatrist ruled out any neurological disorders and wrote patient has “behaviors consistent with NPD”. My narcissist said the psychiatrist was wrong about him. The second time was a year ago when a completely different clinic, this time a psychologist gave him the same diagnosis NPD.
I’ve lived with this person for 25 years and I’m not exaggerating when I say that I’m completely destroyed and exhausted.
I’ve basically been too naive, thinking that he will change destructive behaviors as he seems very convincing every time he promises change. The change may last for a week up to a few months until some type of breakdown occurs (aggressive behavior, lying, indifference, gaslighting etc).
I’m thankful that more awareness exists these days. My narcissist is very successful (has a Master’s in a technical field) and makes a good living. As a general rule he seems to be well liked by colleagues except for those he directly manages (many have quit) and neighbors seem to like him etc. This makes it especially confusing.
We have two kids and it wasn’t until the kids got older that I could confirm that I’m not the only one who finds his behaviors unfair and even evil at times. He has very low empathy and he never apologizes for anything. When you confront him he turns it into a pity party and feels sorry for himself. Despite being in weekly therapy for over a year he still doesn’t get the most basic things about reciprocity in a relationship or taking ownership, nor does he have genuine empathy.
No matter how appalling his behavior may have been, he is always the victim. I used to think he would “get it” somehow and things would “click” but you can explain things hundreds of times and it doesn’t stick. He says he understands, but his disregard for others and behaviors like stonewalling are unchanged, despite regular therapy with a great therapist.
Something I thought might happen is him showing some ownership, especially of lies that there’s blatant and indisputable evidence for (like browsing history and video evidence) but he still denies transgressions, no matter how objective the evidence. It’s quite shocking to see someone deny unbiased computer data and a recording proving he is lying. It’s one of the ways I know he has something seriously wrong going on as any “normal” person would realize that they’re caught and confess. He just denies it, even when evidence to the contrary is right in front of him. This is what narcissists do, they think they can rewrite the past and distort reality to their advantage and liking. It’s frustrating and mind blowing. You will need to accept that there’s no closure and the justice you’re looking for will never materialize. The sooner you accept this, the better as many of us want the validation we are due. However, the fact is that narcissists distort reality to the point that they believe their own lies. They will do anything to save face as their very existence depends on maintaining and defending their pride and false self. They’d rather lose you than to lose face.
Great he's in therapy .... talk therapy wont work no matter how insightful the therapist. Schema Therapy has a chance because it's based on hypnotherapeutic techniques working with emotions. Jeffrey Young developed it specifically for NPD after he noticed that talk therapy just doesn't work. It's no good merely having a conscious logical understanding of a situation....we have 2 minds. I use hypnosis & EMDR with clients that have been in these relationships ... since they have the same "2 mind" contradictions....most have a logical understanding...but cannot control themselves emotionally. Ironically, partner behaviour can support and reinforce the narcissist's behaviour.
RUN....RUN....RUN...
He will only get worse with age...
Why do you stay? Would it just be too difficult to start over?
Another good option. Sounds like you guys might have the money to do it. Psychedelic therapy works wonders at death of ego and honest self realization. The two best are ibogaine and 5-meo-dmt. The second isn't as affective but easier. The first youd have to take a trip to South America. Both are effective however. You will need someone who is a guide to talk to them. The other option is getting saved. When we die in Christ and are born again he begins to heal all these things. It takes time but it can be cured. However, It usually takes someone like this serious trauma and loss to reach the point of humility required for salvation. The gift is free, but you receive it on his terms. Unless you can see the sin in your life, feel godly sorrow, and cry out for forgiveness, you won't ever receive it. Thats an issue for these people, heck for most people. Though death of ego is a good place to start either way.
I just feel so exhausted that lately all I’ve been doing with my husband when he starts his tactics (blame shifting, gaslighting, etc) all I say is “I see what you’re trying to do and I’m not participating” and walk away.
U need too seek a exit plan. He won’t change u need to move. Don’t tell him just do it. Do t come back never speak him again once you move.
@@cherobinson6371 I did exactly what you are describing. I left 33 year marriage because I finally realized nothing was ever going to change. I do not look back. I do not regret my decision. I love my life now.
Think of how exhausting it would be to handle an entire family of narcs as the scapegoat using these strategies, lol
I think they're more workplace suitable, where you HAVE to deal with them. With family friends and acquaintances you need a set of brass boundaries and the ability to say "No, that won't work for me" or "I understand you feel that way, but I dont' ." Or just gray rock them into leaving you alone.
It must be tiring and soul killing, though. Do you intend to leave or stick it out? You're powering through right now, but do you want to live that way forever? I hope you can get out and live a happy life without him (sooner rather than later).
Dealing with a narcissist is like a Tae Kwon Do battle. You are constantly blocking everything they say and you might get in a kick here or there. But it's exhausting and I have learned you absolutely must have no contact with these creatures.
It is really like verbal martial arts, most of them are high ranking in verbal judo but they use the knowledge & techniques to bully who they consider inferior rather than for self defense (something that would absolutely not be tolerated in an otherwise normal martial arts setting), I can tell you there is no pleasure like folding a narc's attack on the spot, but it's still better to go no contact because the attacks will just keep coming; expect no sportsmanship
ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT, because one little contact and they'll drag you back in to the abuse.
I believe that you cannot make any kind of real relationship with a manipulator whether narcissist, sociopath or psychopath. So, those who are hoping that what Hughes says will help create/better a long-term relationship, they will be disappointed. His advice is for the short-term. I divorced my "diagnosed psychopath" after trying every conversational, psychological, logical, faith-based, etc. method. I eventually had to realize that nothing will work for a long-term marriage/relationship. Even after the divorce he kept trying to come back. I forced myself to say "NO" every time. It broke my heart but I am now free to be myself.
Dr Sam vaknin is the lead person on narcissism behavior disorder and he says exactly what you say. Don’t wast time just leave. It stems in childhood from age 2-9 and it’s like arguing with a toddler because they can’t comprehend nor do they care to. Good for you for seeing all this and removing yourself! Something to be proud of!!
Bless you!
me next! just kidding, forgive my odd sense of humor... but yes, you hit the nail on the head and I commend you for being able to follow through with your plan.
Same here
I think this is advice for narcissists on the job, whereupon you'll encounter a gang of them.
Anticipating that I absolutely LOVE Chase’s work, there’s a blind spot in this content about those sadistic manipulators who have the simple secondary gain of hurting and damaging you - this is a nuance of the control and attention gains. No matter how well you identify and address their need and respond to their need rather than their manipulation, sadistic manipulators are ten steps ahead of you and will not back down until they see you broken.
In these cases, unless you’re willing to go through a soul-destroying path of self-destruction, the only way to neutralise them is to engineer them out of your day and if possible, out of your life.
Trust me, I’ve worked as a team manager with these individuals and tried all these strategies- they work once at best until the manipulative person has sassed you out. They are simply way better at playing these games than us caring balanced people and they won’t be beaten at their own game. There’s no end to the lengths they’ll go to damage you because their gain is simply to DA.MA.GE you.
Steer clear.
People like this are narcissistic, but they are also sociopaths or psychopaths, which is something different, and extremely dangerous. These evil characters not only thrive on control and manipulation, but part of their agenda is to cause pain and suffering, intentionally. Your garden variety narcissist doesn't mean to hurt you, it just happens as a result of their unconscious personality patterns.
@@Jen.KI agree there’s a clear distinction between the 2 aforementioned categories but I’m not sure that I agree with the terminology and definitions
Very well said!! You are spot on!! Underlying their motives to get whatever it is they’re after in the moment is the ever present base desire to cause as much damage & pain as possible. My advice is always “RUN. As fast & as far as possible & do it NOW.”
Yes I agree….there is no way to work with a mean spirited Narcissist and if they are a personal part of your life..they know how to really hurt and negate your feelings…
Agree. Well said. They feed on your life-force and will leave you an empty husk.
Not all manipulators are narcissists. But...all narcissists are manipulators. A real narcissists has no empathy and tactics don't work most of the time.
I would think so. This would be good for more garden variety manipulation.
Truth.
It is better than nothing! I will take it!
Can anyone e plain the differences. I acknowledge its my fault for rushing into this relationship like he seemed to love me so much I was a young widow. Now a year in and pregnant all these extreme abusive stuff arising at first subtle then completely obviously and clear as day. Like I'm 7 months pregnant he will get home walkpast me ignore me no hi. Then walk past again and slap me on the ass really hard to where I could fall over almost. I don't like that he knows that it's not in a sexy way. Then I question am being too sensitive ect. If I bring something up to calmly talk about he goes ug here we go again, we'll you keep doing this...ect he flies into a rage your gonna make me go get a 24 pack and bangs the table. I only spoke 2 sentences calmly like hey can you please say hi to me loving not smack me so hard to where I almost fall over. It's very confusing bc he's only like this sometimes, like 2 different personalities I don't know? I'm starting having to log it secretly.
@@shinycretinsounds like you made a horrible decision to get pregnant with someone like that and bound to him for the rest of your life. That sucks. Ppl need to stop rushing into pregnancy. These poor kids suffer more than ya’ll do when they’re born into narcissism. It’s a very dangerous situation you’re in. Sorry to hear. Please get some self esteem. I don’t mean that as an insult, I mean that no person with self esteem who loves themself would put up with such behavior from someone. It’s really sad. I’m afraid for your child especially. They are so innocent grow up thinking it’s normal to be treated that way and the cycle repeats 😢
Thank you Chase. There is an epidemic of narcissistic behavior in our society. Much appreciated, look forward to more.
average people are too politically correct, that's why narcs thrive
This is becoming one of the most valuable channels on UA-cam
Honestly, why do we need such over-the-top language?
@@ip2105 what is over the top?
@@xx_Joker_xx Inflated importance "one of the most valuable channels"
@@ip2105 it's a good channel. I like Chase a lot myself. His advice in dealing with narcissists is straight to the point and tells you exactly what to do, unlike other advice videos. And he's right. He has a wealth of knowledge that he shares. I like his body language videos as well. I tend to think it is one of the most valuable channels also.
No one has said that you must agree with the OP. Just because you don't value the channel the way others do, doesn't mean that others are wrong in their opinion.
Dictating what "language" someone should or shouldn't use ... on a video regarding how to deal with narcissism ... is very interesting. Honestly, the fact that you even bothered to comment on this post like that says more about you than it does the OP.
Have a nice day!
@@xx_Joker_xx When we put someone on a pedestal, we ignore their flaws, which can make it easier to miss or excuse dishonest behavior. It’s better to stay down to earth, appreciate them for who they really are, and be aware that they are just people
I've often said trying to have a relationship with a narcissist is like disarming a bomb on a regular basis. The work is dangerous, but you've just made it less so. Still...if you can just run away without having to disarm the bomb...
I usually just use my headphones and tell the person that I know where you need to go if I'm taking him somewhere and I'm listening to my Bible for the day and getting into my app and I have things that I'm doing to for my day and I just usually listen to my headphones with my Bible app on or music or my program of some sort can you tell me if that works just putting on earbuds or headphones and say sorry but I'm busy listening to my program so I really can't hear what you're saying to me so just tell me what you need to tell me now or where we're going and get the information but I'm going to I won't be able to hear you because I'm going to be listening to my program what do you think I'd like some feedback I never get any feedback I just post something I need some feedback is what I need
@@Rumotorizednosparknoride-w9iif this is just a work type relationship I would suggest to that person that they call an uber. In a relationship with a parent, significant other, sibling, teenager etc, the earbuds solution has not worked for me & actually escalates the already abusive ugliness in the narcissist.
Taking him somewhere? are you in a relationship or a carer? that doesn't sound like a sane relationship. If it's someone at work acknowledging them isn't what you want to do because it doesn't matter what you say any response they know they're still effecting you. The change needs to happen inside so it doesn't matter to you at all how they're behaving you need to be completely unresponsive even on the inside to the effects of their behavior.
For me i finally lost it with a group of people like this but it also helped me get it out my system and release their negative energy they were putting into me and now it doesn't matter to me. They try to make you feel ashamed of losing it of feeling emotions but it was also a much needed release it was super cathartic to me suppressing it did me no favors. It might not be for you but personally i can't hold things in i need to just release things and i'm not ashamed of it.
I now always use grey rocking and the second they try to interact with me become completely unresponsive and go totally unresponsive. It's very easy for me now because they've lost their effect on me and for the most part they go away, they try to take it in turns to get through that boundary sometimes because they will keep trying if there's even a possibility they can get me back but i'm no longer consciously there because i have no feelings towards it anymore. I'm not acting unresponsive either i genuinely don't want be responsive to them now.
I know how they behave isn't coming from a mentally sane place so i use that knowledge to remind myself whenever someone like this pops up. A little bit of me is still never going to like it because nobody does but grey rocking is what everybody else seems to do too as a social boundary and it really works. It was nice of people to not tell me years ago though when i needed it even then but focusing on the vibe of everybody else really centers me though and then i can keep thinking clearly and not feel any emotions towards it at all.
We're energy beings as well as physical beings so tuning into the stable and sane enough energy vibe of everybody else will keep you centered. Nobody else is doing anything only these narcissistic people even if they try to make you think so but you have keep perspective on that that no they're not.
Its not about them at all......😂 They show you the way back to your authentic self, to self love. A narc is just him self, doing nothing wrong, its all about you. Stop pointing outward and start working on yourself. Its karma between you and him, in spirituality its called soul contracts. Lessons to be learned ❤🙏
Run, Forrest, run!
RUN 🏃♀️ 🏃♂️
😂❤
Some people are also so very clever, smooth, appearing generous and friendly that it takes years to finally see the reality.
I have 35 years of marriage to a covert narc and I can tell you that 99% of the time these tactics will diffuse the immediate situation at hand but, rarely solve the underlying problems on a permanent level. I instinctively used these skills with limited success the longer the marriage went on. Navigating the toxic minefield of their imagination, which does not trust people by default, becomes an ever challenging and daunting task with diminishing returns on investment.
As an aside, I would like to point out that the word "manipulation" has a negative connotation which is not really warranted. We all manipulate. It simply means to skillfully control by ones hand (or by extension) which can be exercised for good or for evil. EVERY piece of advice given in this video is by nature manipulative- albeit for good. You are giving advice to help skillfully control the conversation and energy flow in the midst of combat toward something which is helpful in resolving problems. Thank you. Jeffrey Z. in SC
Yes, the video is about disarming them, not about changing them.
I did a DIY divorce after 33yrs. Don't waste any more life!!
Obviously getting out of a relationship is best, but these are fabulous tools for somebody stuck in a situation where they have to deal with a narcissist. So grateful for these tips.
@@Michele-rva What's fascinating about the conundrum of narcissism is that the theory goes that both Narcissism and Empathy are triggered by trauma. I think some of us are born empathic and some are born defensive. I don't believe in the 'tabula rasa' theory: we all arrive with our genetic inherited propensities which is further modified by our experiences and environment.
It's how people can respond differently to a similar setting or event. It's a matter of temperament too.
It pains me to hear that. I agree. When you put a narc in their place with facts and logic, they will "get you back" eventually. They will not self introspect and change. They will devise a plan to establish dominance and control. It might even be "pass me the salt" (telling you what to do) when they can clearly reach it themselves. They are relentless in the desire to feed their ego imo.
I can't imagine the amount of planning/mental energy in general they use to increase their ego.
I once stepped into my work room ( a lab) and started writing my boss's orders exactly in order as she had just given them. She saw, and came into the room to ask what I was writing. Her response was that I just needed to remember. But correct performance of her orders was not her goal, but rather accusation that I had not complied. My written record did not conform with that plan. She needed me to always be wrong.
Yes - they need someone to project everything they can't handle about their own failures onto. They have fall guys in every area of their lives but especially in their closest relationships. If you're that guy/gal the only thing is to get away. They go after you the hardest if they know you're on to them.
oh dear! - you need to find yourself another place to work young man! 🤗🥰
Washington is not a "two party" state. Voice recorder suckas!
SURPRISE ! Get a NEW JOB!
Is it their need to always be right? I had a boss like that and left but meanwhile the union rep taught me exactly how to respond to her. If we caught moments and affirmed her helping, would it diffuse it?
The 'pause' that you mentioned is a game changer. Thankyou Chase.
I dealt with a narcissist in the form of a best friend when I was 15-21. I always did the “pause.” It really did not take this individual too long to move on after I got fed up with her bull. That was a really stressful time in my life, and thank God, He got me through it.
Silent reflection is so powerful.
You begin to see them unravel, especially when they immediately fill the space with something like, “Did you hear me”?
Or claim you are stimied by your inability to to respond emotionally.
This is my favorite followed by" I'm sorry you are having a bad day. I will pray for you. I then walk away with a smile on my face! Done!
A moment of silence for how awesome this video is!!!!
👏🏼 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I tried these on my narcisistic mother and while they may work in some situations, usually all they result in is a shift to more personal attacks and/or an escalation. What's more, they will find something else that will get you upset/ angry next time. It's reallynot a good idea to make a narcisist feel shame, especially in public. You do not want to mess with these people and they will not self=reflect or realise they are wrong. Then again there are different types of narcisists and even within the same type, it is a spectrum , so perhaps it can work on some.
Also, the advice is great for other types of manipulators and can be used there
@@tina-jr9sl I’ve bad the same experience as you and have had to block and go through a lot of therapy to handle this. I also agree that if I confront it will get worse for me but the fact that it’s possible to diffuse and have someone looking out for us gives me hope :)
It's really difficult when it's a close relative. It will never stop. It's relentless. I had to forgive and take control to protect myself but that has taken YEARS to understand. This vid is good for people to realise that it's not OK and not your fault with some strategies to begin to take control and create boundaries but with love of sorts. It's still hard and isn't a quick fix. Unfortunately, there will never be a quick fix 😢❤. It's about you. Seems to me, you can't help or change them but you can still forgive and love them while protecting yourself 💜
When it's a close relative, you set off again with faith and good intentions and always leave feeling like sh*t, vulnerable Narcissist are worse, you try to implement things and Chase always has excellent life lessons, but as with anything it takes time, and they Will Not Change Or Reflect Ever, but every new skill is a plus in navigating relatives like this
@@jaynehayes2176 I feel the exact same ad you but I do like to have hope. I have been on anti-depressants due to this treatment for years
@@michelleeven24 They can't/won't change. If you can learn to understand they're tactics and not to engage in they're game. Confrontation is they're game. There is no love or care from them so don't look for it there. I know it is very difficult when you have someone close to you that behaves like this,and they can affect you in awful ways. It takes strength and self love.
Peace and love.
This helped. I showed it to my husband and I was in a place of fear and he de-escalated the situation by saying what would you like to get from this conversation. I didn’t know but it helped me stop and think and become aware that I wasn’t having a conversation with him I was talking at him. I don’t want to treat people I love like that. But coming from a place of insecurity I can come across like that. It was how I was raised and it’s hard to unlearn.
Having grown up with a narcissist mother, you must know how much I wish I had these tools and understanding back then. I was 65 years old when my daughter and a stranger within the same week, tell me mom is a narcissist! I turned to UA-cam and found two psychologists that talk about narcissism and I felt like they were talking about my life and struggles!
Thank you so much for sharing this vital information!!
I find it helps me to understand them better if I think of Narcissism as a form of immaturity or arrested development. Like small children in an adult body behaving like naughty children. At least it prevents me from taking gibes and tantrums too seriously. I don't think Narcs are very in touch with their feeling and may even feel threatened by emotional overwhelm. A certain detachment is helpful.
The thing is, they will always find a new and creative way to get at you and thereby get what they “need”. It is a constant careful dance on eggshells. It is exhausting. It never ends. But it will work for workplace situations and for that I’m grateful.
Loved when he says “focus in understanding the manipulator’s need, don’t focus on the behavior.” Awesome way to become aware and to make the other person aware. Brings the communication to a good balance
These are great tips for when you have to engage. But it’s also important to maintain emotional distance from the person and not get emotionally attached to outcomes
Something I’ve learned being surrounded by narcissistic behavior is they are like bloodhounds sniffing out my own insecurities. I used his behavior to heal my insecurity and eventually deflated his balloon. For example, calling me a liar is a trigger. Once I stopped being triggered by that, he had no fuel.
P.S. Chase you’ve guided my life in so many ways. thank you! 💞🤟
I have been badly hurt by this also.
@ Hi, friend. 💞🤟
IT was fun. They thought IT was an insecurity, coz I cried and stuff. But I have sayed "Yes true, I have No Feelings. I am cold. I am Bold. I am crazy. I am a crybaby and I am proud to say yes to any Corner of myself." Silence was the answer or: They Block u and Cut you Out of their lives.
@@SeelenTaucher I was cut out 8 years ago; was the last time I was allowed at a family gathering. I feel you. My step dad just wrote me a message “I hope you are getting the help you need from the county.” What a thing to say. 🤷♀️.
@@SeelenTaucher I've used that tactic too, but it feels devastating to say those things about myself. So I stopped doing that. I will not slander myself.
I remember a friend, a psychologist, telling me we all have some narcissistic traits. This advice seems useful for everyone, but not necessarily some of the more extreme pathological narcissists.
Yes exactly
Half the battle regarding these types, is recognition.
However, they do tend to behave or act in a certain way. They use a very familiar language and behaviour no matter where in the world they are.
The best way to deal with these types is;
1. Recognise their typical behaviour patterns.
2. Switch off your emotions.
3. Expect “fireworks” when they don’t get their way.
yup.
"types" ? Are we not all people?! How about rephrasing: 'Half the battle regarding these people who struggle in narcissism is recognition.' Why you ask? Because I suspect you too have character flaws and yet don't consider yourself a "type."
@ not only do I have character flaws, I can also be extremely narcissistic or psychopathic should the need arise. I choose not to be. I say the words “types” because they are sub human.
A film reference to try to explain this is a John Carpenter 1988 film called, “They Live”. It shows that there are different types of people which can only be recognised if you recognise the behaviours of them. In the film, these types are recognised by the film characters wearing sunglasses.
These types which I refer to, can be recognised by their speech patterns, voice volume, speed of words, pitch of words, specific words and phrases, their body language, facial micro expressions, physical ‘tactics’, such as sabotage, etc. there is also a certain immaturity to them.
And no matter where in the world they are, they all behave extremely similar.
@@davevenables3534 Same spirits! Yes! It's 💯 spiritual warfare ⚔️
I grew up with parents who used FOG daily either with me or each other. That’s what I learned and used in my relationships sometimes. As I heal and learn about what healthy relationships look like it feels so freeing and hopeful. Thank you for not making people who use manipulative behavior into villains. People can change, choose love and do what’s healthy. It’s hard work but worth it. Good work on you!
I made a comment and then saw yours; I’ve experienced this with adult children. I lost a lot of time with them as they were growing up because their father wanted a divorce after putting me through a breakdown. Later learned about some pretty awful mind games they were put through. But I healed and got stronger; one child (adult) will occasionally use the tactics on me but I normally recognize it, pointed it out long ago and won’t engage. I’ve seen improvement but just went through it the other day (and had been so long) and realized it was likely a response to severe stressor. Doesn’t make it “okay” but I’ve also seen a lot of fear in her; it has to be VERY hard to realize that you’re having to navigate what and who people are, what is acceptable and normal (healthy) as an adult, when it’s your parents’ responsibility to help you learn that as a child. Really appreciate your comment, gives me additional hope my children will be able to keep navigating toward better and more satisfying lives and good relationships with other people.
I love your simple to understand advice and feel that I will return to this video many times
I appreciate that!
I'm going to turn this into a 21 day challenge. This is such GOLD.
Knowledge and understanding tools are a great defensive and allows critical thinking habits to steer uncomfortable social situations to unravel. Forming a habit takes 21 days.
Me too!!!!!
@@Natty183love this. I as well challenge myself to a 20 day recognition of manipulative behaviors. Both in myself and others.
While continuing the challenge of moving as if I’m submersed in a pool of water.
I had an experience a while ago, where i knew exactly what their objective was from the outset. It was extremely upsetting, given they used my birthday as their excuse to get in touch-after 16yrs of no contact. I heard how i was still their 'lovely, kind sister', who theyd always love, and how upsetting everything (theyd done to me) had been-for them. I was waiting for regret/apology, but it never came. I kept my integrity throughout and addressed the elephant in the room, without accusation. I knew it was all gaslighting 101 though. I had the physical evidence to back myself up and offered to provide it for them too. From there, they just became nasty so i said the conversation was pointless, toxic and over. And i stuck to that.
@GTTL-lad oh my gosh, thank goodness it was a conversation on messenger-i spent most of it with tears rolling down my face! None of it was easy!
@GTTL-lad my last response disappeared but yes-v painful and thank goodness it was on messenger-i had tears and snot all over the place.
When they begin to shift the blame to you instead of acknowledging any wrong on their side, they know you are winning. At that point, you can change gears and leave them.
@@sherrillsturm7240 ahhh, she was awful. I was just v sad that the toxicity & manipulation, hadn't changed over all those years. All the psychological game-playing, was still there. As I say, I saw it from the start because having been her sister for 40yrs beforehand, I'd already known those things about her. The 16yrs then passed and you kinda hope certain things about a person can change during the time that you haven't seen them for, but nope. I just felt really disappointed and that's what upset me the most-to see that she hadn't changed-and never would. That she could only get her jollies by manipulating or using others-rather than appreciating her life & being happy, just for the sake of being happy. That was sad to me. I don't believe she was ever sorry for what she did that caused our separation. But that she was only sorry she couldn't use me any more.
At work, my go-to with toxic people who try to shame/ scold others is to say "Can we find a better way to work together? This type of interaction isnt going to work for me and I'd prefer to collaborate by focusing on the solution instead". Boundaries! Works eveytime!
I tried a similar thing and they (the potential narcissist) said to do whatever they said and stop being - insert whatever gaslighting story they tell everyone -
It was a futile exercise. What other ways have you explored?
@@rebshannonlingah the next level narc! Sorry u are going through that. I tell on them before they do and let the higher ups deal.. that's what they get paid for. They've tried putting me in a meeting with the person to work out our 'disagreement' but I declined and said 'it would be untoward to involve me in meetings about their performance". Also gray rock or mirror ing have worked. I make a sport of just trying to be funny around those types of people because it lightens the mood and disarms some of the drama.
Great idea🎉
@@freckleface1986another great example 🎉
Wish I had the guts to say that to an on the job bully, years ago. Instead, I developed a thick skin, and determined that I’d never let it be said that I’d allow someone to cause me to quit my job. It was during a very difficult time in life, but I managed to continue in my position for 15 years, and retire early.
This could work with an average narcissistic person, but an actual malignant narc is a dangerous expert, smarter than all of us (in this matter), and are willing to do things you can't even imagine. They have charmingly, carefully cultivated a very broad reach. If you are their target, I guarantee they are more well liked than you - If they think you are on to them they will destroy you to protect themselves. Deflect. Play dumb. Run away. Stay away.
100% correct
Indeed.
What you will get after a statement such as, "...what do you think we could do so we both don't have to stay late" would be an F YOU
Running away as quickly as possible because they don’t change their behavior it just will get worse, but thank you for your explanation ❤❤❤❤
isn't running away
Similar to silence?
Sometimes that's not possible. There are many of these types at work, and learning to deal with them is better for you in the long run.
@@TGTreeNo. Running away is removing yourself from the situation. Silence is, well, silence, but staying in the relationship.
Chase - This couldn't have come at a better time... I am preparing for a big conversation w/ my extremely manipulative boss. I will listen to this a few times in preparation! TY 🙏 ❤
I have the same boss I guess.
Practice, practice, practice! I wish you well!
@Natty183 Thank you very much! I have learned a lot from Chase on how to handle people like this - that constantly play chess with life. I am intelligent but honest, so I take people at face value. Unfortunately, I am learning the hard way that not everyone is like me. Thx for the good wishes 😊
Practice! Create 8 to 10 scenarios and practice them!
@@KimmyPJamminI am with you! It’s difficult in the beginning but then you are free!
Greetings from Germany ❤
As a counterbalance I would say that once you are able to be the person of Authority you'll notice you don't have to do any of these things because Narcissists know they can't speak to people in Authority in this way and, if they do, they realise really quickly it doesn't work.
Be Authoritative and watch the Narcissistic behaviour disappear.
Thanks Chase.
Yes, and if you don't have actual authority, you must act as though you do. Authorities don't raise their voices, they're relaxed, even smiling, but they do let the other person know the way it must be. This can be dangerous. You must know your antagonist.
Their behavior doesn't go away, they swallow it for a while but it resurfaces somewhere else, at another time, against someone else and then it's probably even worse because they feel humiliated.
That is exactly correct. Also realize that when they try to show they have “changed” in some way by being subservient or other non characteristic behaviors, that this is another form of manipulation to get you back to trusting them again. Its about maintaining that authority.
Thanks for saying this.
Fascinating tactical breakdown... I was raised by a narcissist, and have tendencies too, and might be married to one, but he diffuses me better than I do him... Healing comes from being reflective on how we try to control each other with words or emotions, how much of that was programmed in childhood, gaining new tools to stay calm and respect each other's authority and autonomy and learning to be on the same team as a couple.
@@lilo8249Or, they swallow it and then get back at you in some sneaky way you'll never even realise, months later, if you offended them.
Another psychologist said that narcissists are like toddlers in a grownup body! That opens up my eyes. They behave like 3 year olds throwing tantrums infront of the cashier,when they don’t get what they want etc. You can’t discuss with them. Even though they bully other people, when others clap back or run away from them,they call themselves the victim. The exhausting thing about them is the constant need to dominate and shade other people combined with being extremely clingy at the same time.
The most important thing is……..run away from them and don’t look back 🏃🏽♀️➡️.
Yes, except that toddlers will throw their tantrums in front of the whole world (honesty). Whereas these people know better … and are likely to have the person they are tormenting look crazy, disturbed or mean “in public”. Or downplaying it, if you are just blindsided by the first few “events” and not clear in what is happening or why.
Thank you so much Chase, I'm dealing with this exact thing right now.
Trying to find a safe exit strategy for me and my daughter.
This video came at the exact right moment.
Wishing you the best of luck, hope and strength for you and your daughter. If you can, always ahead of time, prepare and look into what your rights are, what your options are, have a plan A, B and C. Always trust your instincts and know that you are always stronger and more resilient than you think you are. Remember strengths you had before the abusive relationship and know you still have that power. Best of luck 🙏
🤗🤗🤗💜💜💜🙏🙏🙏
Thought id share some experiences I’ve had using these tactics and my thoughts: I noticed when I’ve argued with people who have a high level of narcissism- I listen to what they’re saying sorting through the manipulation as they’re speaking and wait for them to finish then I give the conversation that pause of silence and they HATE this. After 3 seconds it’s questions like “aren’t you going to say anything? Do you even care?” From them. I tell them I’m thinking about what they’re saying and come up with an elaborate response. Talking to these people requires a high cognitive load and as a people pleaser I’ve spent my life in hyper vigilance trying to read through the lines of manipulators to understand what they actually want versus what they’re saying- it’s so exhausting. I would say the most confusing communication style is passive aggressive though
💯
Gray rock all day baby
The passive aggressive covert types are the absolute worst for me to figure out…they will say one thing and turn around and say the opposite to everyone else who then never say anything to me and it looks like I’m the one being effed up by intentionally going against what was originally agreed on…it pisses me off when I find out that I was set up to be the fall guy for the narcissist when they were the ones who caused the mess then asked me to fix it for them…and being she’s my mother…I’m the evil hateful child she blames everything on openly now that she knows I know what she’s been doing…
@w8what575 Uau, mate, this is effing crazy-making, on purpose. Pls leave to save your sanity.
I have been there, lived that. It consumes all your mental time and focus... just to be prepared for the next trap.
🍀🍀🍀
Covert narcissism is crazy. I fell into that trap with Dad's 4th wife. Just there to help, being asked to extend my stay, then noticing weird reactions and realizing gossip full of false narratives was in play. Her need to always have a scapegoat in hand turns out to be just another way to manipulate the current golden child into doing more for to feed the narcissist. It's unreal, seeing a mother do this kind of triangulation to her children and grandchildren, just because she never learned how to get her needs met and resolve her childhood into a sound adulthood. I hope you get through this with calm knowledge that there is no magic bullet, just good tactics to manage not so good ones and healing yourself with compassion and humor.@@w8what575
Narcissistic Abuser for 30 yrs it destroyes you im very happy to see it is becoming a major break through so others will walk away and save themselves ...
After coming across a narcissist, and realizing now, i have decided to stay away and speak the least.
Happy to say that no contact works! Only once my youngest turned 18 was I able to employ this tactic without consequence to either of my kids. It was worth the excruciatingly long wait to enjoy life without constant drama. For everyone going through this without an easy alternative - hang in there. Life isn’t meant to be that difficult.
I’m a year no contact now. I’m too a happy to say it works.
@@Blewsi-p1e You just gave me goosebumps. Congratulations! Here’s to no more trying to reason with the irrational.
Gray rock worked too, until I regained the stre gth to exit.
@@Rickettsia505 Grey rock my current strategy, too. I've got 2 and a half years to go. I'm Catholic, so I'm using this suffering to offer Our Lord. He was abused and accused, too. Praying for you.
But did it work well for the kids to stay? I have ten more years until my youngest leaves. I'm not sure waiting is worth it for me or the kids.
I can’t thank you enough for this video. I had a ten minute conversation with my mom the day after Thanksgiving that left me struggling with thoughts of worthlessness and suicidal ideation. Fear, Obligation and Guilt really struck home with me and made me realize that I was in fact being manipulated. I desperately needed this video in my life and it popped up at exactly the right time. I’m grateful.💜
Well done to you for continuing to keep learning! Big hug 🤗
@ thank you so much.
Blame, shame, guilt, obligation. I have a covert narcissist mother. Your words hit home.
That’s their problem if they don’t respond to your calm demeanor! You’ve done your part
This video is so helpful. My father is a Narcissist with an explosive temper. It’s taken a whole lot of years to understand him and still it’s hard to communicate at times. He’s a good man, he is not without empathy and love. He just sees the world as he sees it. Thanks for this 🤗💜
Not just useful for narcissists...
It's only useful for narcissists. ❤ And if the ones that surround you respond to the treatment, it's your sign to recognize their current nature.
Seems it would be incredibly helpful with children as well lol
Exactly! 😅@@Natty183
just Say
YOU A CHILD BEATER! buzzz off
@@Natty183 Goodmothers agree.
Asking for what I need in a direct way is something I still find difficult as an adult. Unfortunately, I recognize myself in both the manipulator and the manipulated. It is nice to come across a UA-cam video in which manipulative behavior is described as something with an underlying need. This way I can recognize the need (meet the need direct) in myself or the other without having to demonize someone at all. Something that certain UA-cam influencers fail to recognize when talking about this behavior, Chase fortunately keeps it a lot more objective. Thank you.
I often ask myself, “What am I trying to achieve by saying this? Will this tactic work?” If the answer is ‘no’, then I keep my mouth shut.
Now you have revealed you personal need. Communication shyness is a tactical avoidance of your own fragility. Turtles pull inward to ward off threats. This new skill is transformational and will be a successful for your future. Listen for it, so you will understand their own personal fear and take your space @@karenteneyck9835
@@karenteneyck9835 I love this idea. It's simple and easy to remember, but makes so much sense and can be used in so many situations. I will use this! Thank you for sharing!
Thank You; This is a great video of how to disarm . It’s not about changing them, it’s about protecting and deflecting them. If you are with a narc; run. Find comfort for yourself and leave. Peace to all.
A good teacher doesn't just explain whats going on, but what to do.
A great teacher mirrors real world examples you can build from.
Excellent teaching
Years ago we learned “assertiveness” and it seems that the best thing I learned was to simply acknowledge their message while letting them own it. “I understand that you feel that way”. Or “I am sorry that you feel that way. Your suggestions are congruent with what I learned back then. I was able to change my life as a result. Thank you for the reminders.‼️💜💃🌻
Although those sentences are useful in certain situations (such as narcy people, that have pushed way over your boundaries/ or have been overly manipulative to you), please be careful. In other circumstances (eg with a friend, relative etc that is simply having an annoying one off day), it may harm your relationship if you respond this way. It even may lead them to think you are the narc in the situation. In certain situations you may prefer to use a more authentic and caring reply.
@ thanks so much🤣🫶
"Manipulators depend on our emotions"
The key is catching yourself at the moment.Your body is flying into fight or flight, that very moment, the manipulator hits our trigger & if it's someone who's been in our life for a while or our child, our body is reacting w/ the animal brain as it has a hundred and ninety nine times, before.
We have to stop, as soon as our bodies feel that heightened emotion. We have to stop as soon as our breathing increases. And we began scrambling for answers or scrambling to appease them, like we always have.
It's like a muscle. The first time you may not notice that you did it. The second time you may notice that you did it a few moments ago. The third time you'll notice you just did it. The fourth or time you'll take a deep breath like we're told to , here. And then it'll start to get easier.
Practice makes "perfect" - or at least good enough!
Great comment!
Thank you for the help!
I appreciate your comment, after learning some information and tactics I've been practicing and it certainly is still a work in practice.
I've been practicing staying present in my body and relaxing in my body around them. And practicing reminding myself to stay present mentally and emotionally when I'm around them for when they go into antagonising mode. Now when I notice I've got triggered, gone into fight/flight/freeze/fawn mode, I'm practicing remembering to take deeper breaths, make sure no emotion shows on my face, take that pause, and look them straight in the eyes whilst giving some grey rock answer. It works. Looking forward to living somewhere where it isn't necessary to live like this.
Exactly. The narcissist is an opportunity to practice. Once you know how not to be triggered by anything or anyone you`ll become invincible.
Good timing. There are some non-admin people at my new job who get off on subjugating people. I'm too old for that dung. I just need a tactic other than my middle finger. "It feels like you are trying be trying to assert power over me by getting angry and complaining to the manager about one ice cube being left on the cart."
I like the flow, manners and tone in which Mr. Chase Hugh express his views. Brilliant 👏 👏
This is so helpful. Thank you, Chase.
You're so welcome!
Saved this one today a playlist so I have quick access to it.
Same!
Some of these people are so sneaky and are so irrational that they can not grasp anything that makes sense. These tactics are great, but the amount of energy and effort you just get tired and give up.
Well, living from a 'false self' doesn't help much in the vissicitudes of life.
The important part of this video is to help us, not them. Basically you learn to outwit a narcissist, rather than fall prey to them. Remember when they make you emotional, that is what feeds them .. this is an excellent video, thank you for sharing.
This is great information for dealing with people with narcissistic traits, and in settings like work, but with a full blown narsissistic personality disorder in a close relationship, not so much. The problem is narcissists truly do not live in the same reality as the rest of us, they live in a "shared fantasy", which is their own fantasy world that they try to enforce to everybody around them. So when you try to argue something in the real world, they answer happens in the fantasy world, and nothing productive comes out of that, practically ever. You only open more doors for the narcissist to force the fantasy world onto you. So the best way to react is truly the gray rock and and planning your escape. The best decription of this I have ever heard is the video about narcissist's gaslighting being different by The little shaman. Don't let the odd channel name fool you, that video is a true masterclass on narcissim and I cannot recommend it enough, as someone who has a narcissist as a close relative.
Agree. I don't have experience with narcissists in work settings but I have a close family member and some of this would unfortunately make things worse. The part about not reacting with feelings (or even better; not reacting at all) and boundaries is what works.
@@PlagueDoktoreExactly, that is the gray rock method.
Thank you. I think true Narcissist are a little more difficult to deal with, but there are those who use these behaviors and can be helped. Again, thank you.
Just listening to your "solutions" makes me mentally exhausted... Once we understand there is no way out, no matter how hard you try and how much emotional intelligence you use, toxicity will always be damaging, no matter what.
i second this feeling. it just makes me more furious to have to live tactically, wasting my time, energy, effort, my whole damn life on someone who refuses to accept responsibility for their behavior.
I`ve seen so many videos on this topic, and each of the narc abuse self help experts advised me to go no contact or gray rock without proper explanation or examples. This video is the most helpful I have ever seen, bc now I actually know what to DO, when no contact is not an option. Thanks a million 🙏🙏🙏
Great advice in many situations. However, some narcs are not able to „second-guess themselves, reconsider or realize their tactics don‘t work“. Those are the ones that just amp up in meanness and cruelty. Especially if you have won the scapegoat lottery with an unconscious parent, it‘s either total subjugation or run. Their for them existential need (and view) of you in that role is written in stone. And if you are the last person on earth, they will not be able of anything else than to FOG you up relentlessly until the day they die.
But for all other variations of interactions with manipulators your clip offers the best possible methods 💪👍 Thank you! 🙏
Agreed. It is great advice, but be careful if you're dealing with a real narc - especially a malignant one. They will ONLY escalate, and that could put you at risk!
I agree my experience was that any /all tactics were still used against me.. Some of them can be so clever it's incredible. I found being calm only aggravated them even more...
You're very articulate and what you say makes good sense. When it's a relative, I'm a deer caught in the headlights. I know what they're doing and would love to deal with it, but I become speechless. SOB's Yeah, probably a psychological reason why I freeze. Nevertheless, I'm still aware of their bs, which I'm glad for, yet unfortunately, because it's family, I surf the waves and take my leave, sooner than later.
@ricalina4371I totally agree. I've had not 1, but 2 bosses, 1 male, 1 female that were truly at the psychopath end of the narcissistic spectrum. NOTHING I did changed them one iota. Add to that having not 1, but 2x wives that had more than a trace of narcissism & it was a recipe for a breakdown.
5 years on... have an excellent partner now who introduced me to some online teaching on narcissism (Dr Les Carter- Surviving Narcissism) and I'm on the slow road to recovery... at 58 years old. Yes, I'm a slow learner, but I'm getting there at last
@@catritz check out betrayal trauma, eye opener for me
It doesn't matter what you say to the Narcissists. They aren't listening to you. The whole time you talk to them they're thinking about themselves and what they're going to say to manipulate you, gaslight you, insult you. I refuse to be disrespected and expect to coddle them. Re: the work scenario i would blatantly say, "welp, now you know better for next time. Have a good one. Byeeeeeee".
You have to make them afraid of you.
❤❤❤
Which makes you just as bad. Communicating effectively isn’t coddling. It’s called unifying.
@smashthisco you cannot communicate with someone unwilling to communicate. Everyone understands violence though.
@@smashthisco No.
"You made it to the end, most people don't do that. I know you're most likely committed to learning these skills and I'm willing to bet that you're one of the few people who realize these are the skills that determine success, and they always have."
Funny to hear that on a video about manipulation, but we see what you did there, Chase. That's a good, carefully constructed, assumptive close you've got there. You're making us feel special about ourselves by calling us one of the "few" and framing it in a way that makes us feel like we should sign up, because you "know" that we want to be known as "skilled" and "successful." And lastly, saying your tips are the "best" and "always have been" like it's something everybody knows.
Gotta love Chase
Malignant narcissist calling.
After all these years, I'm finally learning the art of manipulation... i mean persuasion ... i mean parenting... friending... relationship-ing. It's good advice.
I feel parts of the method are fundamentally empathetic and kind at a deeper level. I think it would change them to be less of what they are in the long run. Thank you for articulating. I am glad I discovered your channel ☺
I am so tired of dealing with all this crap....I have no more energy to play their game,
Your uploads are so helpful Chase! I work in psychiatry for over 20 years. There's a bunch of things I already applied, but wasn't aware of doing. I learned to apply new things and more systematically. This content is excellent for refining methods and training coworkers and interns. Specially in the field of personality disorders.
Statistics lately, are saying that Narcissists are now 1 out of 8 in our population, and I have heard, also 1 in 12. Everyone needs this video.
I may never exit my season of isolation for that very reason. I would rather be single and happy than run the risk of another narcissistic entanglement.
Actually it’s worse.. 1 in 6.
The Cleveland Clinic's website offers the following, on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD):
"Experts aren’t sure how common NPD is. According to research data, between 0.5% and 5% of people in the U.S. may have it. Between 50% and 75% of cases affect men and people assigned male at birth (AMAB)."
1 in 12 is a bit over 8%, and 1 in 8 is 12.5%. Let's hope the Clinic's 0.5% - 5.0% figures are correct!!
@@pipsissewa6623 I cannot find their source but it's likely research from more than 10 years ago. It's difficult to get numbers because narcissists don't present themselves as such.
Chase, you are spot on. It’s not their reaction it’s your actions.
They won’t change but you can
Thanks Chase. This is an absolutely brilliant breakdown of manipulative behaviour! The FOG and CAVA acronyms really simplify a complex topic, making it so much easier to recognize those subtle tactics manipulators use. I especially appreciated the advice to mirror intentions instead of reacting emotionally - such a nuanced way to stay grounded and in control. The silent reflection tip is pure gold; it’s amazing how taking a moment to breathe can completely shift the power dynamic. Thanks for such a clear, actionable approach to dealing with these situations
I have tried something like that with my sister. She reacts by getting really aggressive, bullying me for being sooo wise. Last it was an sms correspondence, and when she was met only with calm words, making sense, she ended up by saying she would have nothing to do with me and would block me (in order to get at least what she felt was the last word) she did, and we are not in contact. And I find it hard but also the only solution. I have had enough. But this, just to say: there can be serious consequences
Yes, but that are the rules of the narcissist. If they cant have you their way. They vanish. They lost interest because you are not any longer considered to be supply to them. That's all. Painful
Same w 2 narc sisters. No contact for 2 years. They have each other. I am long gone. After 40 yrs, yep, l had enough. Now after the distance of time l remember the nastiness and condescension and realize how truly awful they were. Shameful and embarrassing. But not to the narc. I wonder if they know they are narcs?
Sorry to hear that. But maybe going no contact was the most honest action you`ve ever seen from her. Maybe she just used you for regulating her emotions. And as soon as you said no, you were of no use for her.
I try not to get involved with manipulators. I interrupt every attempt at manipulation and have no contact with this person. I don't want to use all these techniques, it's too much effort just to get on with someone. I don't want to educate anyone and I don't waste energy dealing with the needs of manipulators.
Personally I just don’t listen to a word they say or shout at me. I just stick to my point and ignore their rudeness. They soon give up when they realise they can’t manipulate me into feeling scared, tongue tied, or apologetic. Some people think it is okay to be rude and aggressive, because they think it makes them superior to attack someone they think is weaker. No, it just makes them look stupid.
Bravo. Have never met a narc l consider worth while company as in friendship. Life is too precious for that kind of bs.
Excellent breakdown. Thanks for providing concrete steps with examples. I think it's useful, given the comments I've read, to realize that narcissism isn't binary - it's analog. These techniques aren't going to work on a full-blown narcissist with violent tendencies because they'll just resort to violence the minute they realize they don't have control.
However, they will and do work on those who are manipulative and/or are on the less extreme end of narcissism.
I wish I would have had this when I was married to a narcissist. Great video and will still help in other situations.
I am not interested in "fixing" anyone. Fixing means you are avoiding yourself, engaging fixing the "other'. Perhaps you are the manipulator then! I am interested in maintaining and expanding my personal space and freedom. This has been very very helpful.
I didn’t get that this video is about “fixing” a narcissist. I got how to deal with a narcissist. Not how to “fix” one.
This has to be some of the best advice I’ve come across on this subject. The acronyms are also so handy because for anybody dealing with a narcissist, it can be very hard to think clearly and stay composed so the acronym here makes it so easy to stay focused on the disarm.
Thank you for a chance to mentally survive my family and giving the good foundation for how to deal with annoying customers.
I think this will work with people that you are not emotionally involved with but not family.
Family seems to always know the buttons to push and then you end up reacting like the one with the problem. So easy to slip into.
I see these tips as valueble communication tools in all sorts of genuin conversations that will definatly help you to feel more empowered instead of falling into the trap of feeling emotionally drained. As many mentioned here, there is a hugh difference dealing with these traits in others when you are less emotionally bonded or having to live with this constantly. When its just a regular person you can get away from them and go home, but when home is not a safe place and you re always need to walk on eggshelves and be on the alert.. I personally experienced it was very hard to maintain sanity as it totally drained me, you can use all the techniques you have learned, for me, they surely helped, but I couldnt keep up, if the other person is impossible or unwilling to put in his/her end of the effort, you probably have to get out, to keep your own sanity.. at least thats what I had to do..
Not all manipulators are narcissists, narcissistic traits are present in people with ADHD too. The results are still negative to the other party. If you can't go no contact, these skills seem like theyd be very helpful. If you cant quit your job to get away from someone that manipulates, learning to respond with control as outlined here could make your workplace more tolerable. Definitely food for thought. Thank you Chase. I have been separated from an abusive manipulator for 9 years, still have minimal contact because we have children, so this has helped me think about our interactions and how I can approach them with more confidence. The fact we use a family communication website definitely helps ❤
I'm sorry you were in an abusive relationship. I also had kids to a partner who shows narcissistic traits. We're a neurodiverse family, with one child adhd/autism. I also wondered if neurodiversity and narcissism were linked, but after a lot of researching, I don't believe they are at all. Neurodiverse people can struggle with empathy and communication when they're less regulated, and look narcissistic in moments, but they're not afflicted with a narcissistic personality all of the time, or have the same intent. I believe now that there's more link between attachment styles, self esteem/ego and the creation of narcissism. A person can be neurodiverse and have a healthy ego, in my experience, and their challenges are not going to be necessarily linked with narcissism.
This is super helpful advice for dads raising daughters!