Uncovering Limerence: Why It Terrifies Avoidants and Ruins Your Life
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- Опубліковано 6 вер 2024
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This is a video about limerence. Specifically, what it is, how it’s probably ruining your love life and towards the end of this video I’m going to interview someone who might just have the key to overcoming it.
I’ve been taking myself on dates and it helped my limerence on my avoidant ex. Much more healthy than overthinking, being lonely and anxious at home.
You probably treated yourself much nicer and more attentive on your self date than that person ever would
I am intruiged tbh
when you go on a date by yoursel do you talk to other people?
Thank you for the reminder. I used to do this years ago.😍
@@Mari-lv1rd I wear very nice like I’m on a date and go to a sports bar just to have drink by myself. Bartender would chat with me about games, and just being around people helps with the loneliness. We would share our love stories and struggle. But I also wanting to go some beautiful places so he wouldn’t think I’m trying to replace him so bad (he’s a fearful avoidant, always think I’ve got someone during our no contact. Being jealous whenever I was around guys like playing games or outing)
But before this, I was always the one that leave and block my fearful avoidant and do no contact for 1-3 months, he would always come back.
But this time it’s different.
He’s the one wanting to end, also I found out that he still likes his exes posts and occasionally talk to them trigger my anxious attachment so bad.
So I’ve been struggling to let go this time and really try hard to do no contact.
Sometimes I even think no contact might not be the answer, because we have been on and off over and over again, I have no trouble getting him back, but to maintain the honeymoon phase, and for him not to run with things are smooth.
Watched a new video on this channel, they probably do need a consistent, safe environment for them to breathe and still knowing we’re here. That can lowkey be the cure for them to truly heal and become secure attachment.
I think limerence is essentially your soul seeking love and connection and that's it really... don't judge or blame yourself, it is what it is...
So true.
You are right. We all need loving, care, empathy, and connection in the deepest levels so that we can all enjoy some bliss in this life!
It is a way in which your brain reacts. Check out Following Fenna.
@@Tadjuel11-11 yes, it is also a biological need. I guess the important thing is to be able to maintain a healthy objectivity of your own behaviour and if you develop feelings that are excessive or inappropriate or unreciprocated or interfere with your daily life, then you need to find ways to disengage and find healthy distractions. The main thing is to be able to be self-objective and moderate your behaviour so that you are in control of your own emotions and don't put anyone else off or disturb anyone and don't become a pest either.. 😀
@@franziskani thanks yes, I saw she's a counsellor. I'm Ok personally. I have had issues in a relationship with a guy who is an ex from two years ago, but we have kept seeing each other throughout that time, as friends, so I have struggled with my feelings as a result. I have watched a lot of different counselling videos though and now I have found that if I just give him space and I do other things and get on with my life and distract myself I am fine. He has avoidant issues whereas I have anxious attachment. Learning about attachment styles and being objective really helps.
Sometimes they are not avoidant they just don’t really like us.
There os truth to this I think. Because before they were obsessed with the other men.
That's different.
Well that’s OUR biggest fear; isn’t it?
@@maxsheerin8219how do you know for sure
@@shadowsbruther we can guess by the way they treat us. Does it look like love? Does it feel like love? Love doesnt hurt. Regardless of why or how we know. If they dont treat you right. "Leave". The world is full of amazing people, why get stuck on one adult child that cant get their sh1t together.
This video really hit home for me. My person of interest and I have taken a break. I'm definitely in limerence and he is Avoidant. I'm honestly nauseas finding this all out. I keep texting, emailing, blowing boundaries because I'm so in love. I'm just not understanding why all of this is pouring out of me and it's not being reciprocated. I get even an ounce of interest and I blow it up, let's talk, let's fix it, blah blah.I learned about Avoidants a few weeks ago when the break initially happened, but I'm learning about limerence now, I'm just sick with embarrassment. I have so much to learn and change in my life so I can be healthy for myself, and it's disheartening to learn that this isn't just love, it is something wholly unhealthy. Thank you for this video, it was certainly eye-opening.
0:05 I'm not so sure this whole approach is correct. Say you and I get together and we both have the same feelings as you do (supposedly limerence) and that life is to be lived to the fullest and be exciting as can be. What's wrong with that? Some people like myself enjoy a special person to Lavish all kinds of things upon. Wouldn't two people of the same caliber doing that for each other just have the greatest time and roll around in joy an excitement? Isn't being free to express yourself anything anymore? We've all been thru hard times and that makes us appreciate all the more the things we like and want in our lives and stay away from negative stuff. Avoidant people running away from tasting the essence of the moment and the love to be expressed, the happiness of joyful words said, just shows the maturity level they are on. Most Avoidants seem to be lacking in spirituality and connectedness to their soul, god, the universe. I think we can be full of joy about someone we click with and share our hearts fully without limiting about everything. If they can't handle the excess joy, excitement, enthusiasm, and talking about love languages in how you both like to express yourselves, wouldn't it be a good idea to start anyways so you know what you can do and not do out of respect and either honor the differences or just know what your dealing with? But for sure tell them what you like and what you want to show them. I like being excited for my mate. I've been close to death many times and I like expressing myself fully. I've got a lot of love to give and I think we should all give all the love an affection we feel like. This video is a little depressing and hindering true loving caring emotions. I understand some people may get lost in their emotions but I think everyone is trying to heal themselves with a good partner who will listen and share affection and connection intimately. If everyone was like you and me, I think the world would be a better place. We need to be able to express fully every our emotions to our partners and friends to explore our depths and respect what we like to share.
same as me, we decided to take a "break" for a month. before that i have no idea about attachment style and i figured out that i'm an anxious type and she's avoidant and we're in a ldr, we're both in 20s. she lovely at first met and we love bombing so much, we lived together for a month when she was home, and after came back to ldr she was really passive, not replying to my text almost everyday while she had a free time so i told her we need to talk bcs she's abandon me for a while. we talked on phone and i asked her why and did i do something wrong and she told me she's busy or dnd mode activated while scrolling tiktok, even said to me "you're not the only one i text" and it hurts me so much. later tomorrow, same thing happened and i asked her the same questions on phone, she immediately said "let's break up, i'm not comfortable with you anymore" and i didn't like it, and said "we can fix it, we're lacking of communication lately, what's going on, don't break up like this we don't have any problem, and now it's only a simple thing we need more communication", we're talking like everything is on the edge and nothing can fix it but then she agreed to break for a month. after break i'm trying to understand the problem but idk what's wrong she never talk about her feeling, trying to find help from a friend and she said "it was so toxic, just leave and love yourself she's not worth your affection, you will find someone balance". now i'm still hurt and trying to heal myself.
@@diazalbn If you were in a real relationship already it is not limerence. With a long distance relationship - this was not anything substantial. Obviously. Have you ever talked exclusivity and commitment ? Likely not, you may have been to afraid to even touch that area (what if she refuses and it is over). - again I recommend Following Fenna. Or you can be stringed along for a long time. That woman is not into you. Maybe she was unclear. Maybe she liked to have someone that she can sideline or call back as she please. BUT: Sometimes people want to be polite, sometimes she or he is not feeling it, but wants to give the relationship a chance.
But while she may not have any cynical intentions - it will become a situation where you are not "the real deal" but the standin.
you friend should not throw the word toxic around. I agree that the fairest thing would be to cut you off and be brutally honest about it. And NO CONTACT. Just in case she does the "we can stay friends" talk. SHE could be friends with you - your devotion may be your morst attractive feature. But that is not enough for her to desire you. And you certainly cannot be friends with her. you are the weaker one in the relationship (emotionally), so protect yourself. Not because she is toxic (she may or may not be, it does not matter). But because it is just not a good fit.
Leave. Wish her the best - and leave. And cut off all contact (you can tell her why, so she does not feel bad about it, or assumes you are angry at her).
I totally get you. When I found out what Limerence was last year… I also found about about attachment styles… and I was in the midsts of being discarded by an avoidant. Not only was it painful since he chased me initially… but I was embarrassing to me that when I finally gave in and had sex…I was head over heels… while I was heels over my head.
At 62… that was a big deal for me to find someone after being with the same man for 22 years and not having dating experience
Same, I am doing the exact same thing. I know why I am doing it, I moved to California from Minnesota and he is the only person I have met out here and the only person I have had any kind of connection with, I placed a lot of my “happiness “ on him. Unfairly, but it’s been so hard for me to let him go, stop overstepping boundaries, even when I know better. So very frustrating. Especially being so self aware as I am. Ughhhh.
I’m definitely in limerance with my partner of one year (he’s an avoidant)… it’s affected my ability to concentrate at work and finish projects, keep my house near and tidy etc. I’m also hyper vigilant on how he is feeling
Ugh, it’s the worst
Same… dating my avoidant for a year and it’s been so difficult. I feel addicted and my entire world revolves around how they’re feeling
Try focusing on yourself and your own interests & activities. You are just as important as the object of your limerance. It itakes some effort, but it is possible. We do have the power to control our thoughts & emotions.
I am currently experiencing the very same problems, to add that I have neglected myself way too much. I already have low self-esteem and now I am looking quite out of shape on top of that...limerance is a harmful drug that I know that I need to stop using, but I have started losing control of my over thinking which in turn affects my mental health and existing relationships.
All that...for someone who is not remotely sure about me. What an utter shame...
I have seen better days in my younger years. I was so much better being on my own, despite having other problems.
Same. Going on 10 years and my insecurities have only gotten worse. I can’t help but feel like he will leave me once the kids get older. If I get sick he won’t stick around. I hate the uncertainty
You're NOT alone! I don't know about your avoidant partner but I was in a relationship and they were married and they were the aggressor. They obsessed over 35,000 text every month we're in a long distance so we had a text all the time. But they're the ones that came at me I was pulling away they actually got divorced after talking to me for 3 months left their marriage yes there was problems before I came along. But we met after 3 months and it got even more intense We fell in love harder. And like any other avoidance the push pull came. This has been going on for 5 years I was no contact for 7 months I lost my shit cuz I miss them so much I said hi in an email to started talking again they started telling me they wanted to meet up this summer again for only the next day I didn't hear from them and I said here it comes I get a text I'm at the same person that I was before & I was meant to be alone. God I hate hate when they say that when they know we are best friends and have the best time together It's just getting them to meet up once we meet they don't want to leave. But like avoidance they are afraid afraid afraid. I feel your pain It sucks to be us.
Limerance is idolization of a flawed human. Not fair to that person and will leave you disappointed. God, in His wisdom, warned us not to do this. Some of us have to learn the hard way. I cherish all I have learned through what I perceived as painful experiences.
Very well said.
4 years of limerance for a coverte narcisst , happy to unterstand that now
That might be trauma bonding, it’s different. It’s worth looking up. I hope you are safe and happy now.
that... must be hell
Limerance
Avoidant: toward an idea
Anxious: toward a person
🤯
🎉
Mmm, my dismissive avoidant found her new soulmate a couple of weeks after she dumped me.
Change happens at the place where your anxiety meets your courage. Go one day without checking their SM, looking at their picture, reading old texts etc. Wake up that next day and look yourself in the mirror. Remind yourself that NOTHING changed about your ex in that 24-hour span, but something did change- YOU. Now do it for a week and then a month. If you fail, forgive yourself and start over. Remember, this will be a marathon not a sprint. The path to winning them back is the same path to moving on and crushing on someone new. Good luck and hang tough.
This has totally healed me. I was going through limerance that kept depositing my feelings in a blackhole. I am certain that this is my turing point. Thank you so much. I don't know how the universe led me to your channel! I'm truly grateful.
Coming out of my divorce, I was deeply wounded and definitely not securely attached due to my own childhood issues. I ran into a covert narcissist/avoidant. At the same time, my friend put the idea of twin flames in my head and I became obsessed (limmerance). We had a situation ship for 7 months. I got pregnant and it was a messy situation. He discarded me, but that wasn't the end of it. It was drama off and on until after he threw me under the bus legally for harassment, which ended up helping me break that limmerance. That whole situation sparked my spiritual awakening and helped me to heal A LOT of trauma and childhood wounding. I now have a secure attachment style and am enjoying healthy connections in my life. But boy was that a long hard road full of humbling experiences and tough lessons!
Lots of Huges for you .. ❤❤❤❤ lovely
Thank you for speaking on this. The online world is full of the TwinFlames concept and it appears to me that it's based completely on limerance. People caught up in the " runner -chaser " cycle, that domination of thoughts about that person...etc, etc . Leads to stalking for some , convinced a stranger is their one true love, explaining the suffering as neccessary lessons, people waiting years and years for their twinflame. Very sad stories.
Everything being said in this video articulates what I know in my gut to be true, that ruminating over someone is a vicious and hard cycle to break. It is only by getting out of the home and creating a life that you want which is being seen and loved by others is what is what true healing is about.
First person I have heard that truly makes sense. Hopefully, Chris will make more about this because people ( friends ) can't really understand why one continues on with a relationship with 0 potential to get you what you really want and how to understand why this is happening! I believe it can also fall under OCD, which doesn't help to know this but it has to be understood that this mind set of limerance truly can ruin or take so much time to leave a relationship that it does impact your quality of your life.
So I’m recovering from limerence or at least managing the best I can. It didn’t affect my daily life or responsibilities. I learned to shut up about the person for fear of losing existing friendships, and making new relationships whether platonic or romantic has always been hard for me because I’m disabled and people rarely see me as a peer or equal worth knowing. Most friendships I make ended up being one sided or with me putting more effort, all while trying my best not to seem annoying. I just extend olive branches and back off if they’re not reciprocated. Gonna try putting myself back out there one last time this spring/summer. As much work as I’ve done on myself, I know ableism is impossible to overcome.
I'm an anxious type who's been seeing an avoidant and the dynamic between us keeps repeating. We get close, she pulls away and I try to keep proximity, further driving her away. It's difficult not to experience these effects when the connection between us is constantly changing as we pull apart and disconnect. I know the only way to make things work is to concentrate on my own stuff, but everytime we come together I try to stay close and the cycle repeats. I know the infatuation is unhealthy but when we are together things are really good so it keeps me holding on. I wish I could detach like she can, would make my life much easier.
Detox❤though but doable
Crazy, I'm in the same boat. I often wonder if my woman would have had the near death experiences I've had if she'd be more like me. I know every moment counts and I like to make the best experiences I can because leaving here (death) could be inevitable at any moment. Why act as if we have time to blow away? We don't! Make the best with your partner and give all yourself they can handle and enhance the relationship. If they can't handle your enthusiasm are we to limit ourselves? Maybe a little, but seems to me we need to fully express ourselves to those who appreciate and get us. Limerence is a word trying to box in certain feelings and emotions that are actually endless if explored to where there's no words to describethe vast depth. If you love, if you need healing, if you need connection, (we all do) then dig within yourself, find the love in you heart and then share it with your partner all you can. If they cannot handle the overflowing joy and excitement then perhaps tell them why and how you became that way and that your not changing that unless there's more beautiful things to add abs grow from. Limerence is a false diagnostic word for people who just want a great connection and enjoy going deeper then the status quo of the day. We humans have a wide range of emotions and they are meant to be shared and reciprocated with others because everyone has the same emotions to work with for the most part. I'm not buying the whole Limerence definition of the day, because we are all focused on connecting the best we can with others and most of all, to our specific partner who gets us.
I just ended a 12 year barley figuring all this out, you are on the right track. Work on yourself is the answer
It’s your ego that wants what you can’t have. Not love. Real love comes through for you amen. Is reciprocal. Don’t waste all your masculine mojo on someone who won’t even return your calls ok. An amazing attachment therapist can heal your attachment style. Stop cumming Thinking about her. Feel the grief and pain and release it. After some time. Direct your focus to someone who will be there for you support your dreams kk. Real women need real men out here. Fantasies you can play out with your real woman. Let the dream look like someone else. Change your vision to be wi th someone who is reciprocal. Healing your childhood wounds is totally possible and doesn’t take forever it’s not a lose only situation. Here. Psychology today has a Brainspotting sin specialty for you to find a therapist in your area. Kk. They are usually trauma informed amen. Thais Gibson
Has a bunch of free stuff on healing your attachment style too. I used to be anxious and am now mostly secure. I’m a therapist with over 20 years of
Experience kk. Go well find and conquer your women. (Likely not that one. Don’t let her f up your real thing once y you get her too. Exes come back selfishly to take. It’s never worth going back. In my experience)❤
Hey I'm avoident and this is what was happening to me and my ex. I understand that things are good when their good and then they pull away. I told my partner to think of me as a scared animal you don't just jump into petting them. You hold your hand out and let them come to you. If this is not something you are able to do. Leave. It will hurt both of you. She wants to be close but is afraid of what that means. You both need to focus on your own attachment styles and fixing them. If they are not willing to change and if you are not willing to change it will not work. Make boundaries for yourself and stick to them And if they set boundaries either accept them or it won't work between yall
The phrase, you have to just love yourself first comes to mind. Which I've always thought was vague and bs..and now you just confirmed what I've said for awhile. Relationships broke it, and Relationships will fix it.
When it crashes it's awful. I learnt a valuable lesson with my limerence experience.
This made me realize that an attachment styles are very complicated because an anxious and limerent person can become avoidant dependent on the situation. And an avoidant can become anxiously attached.
Also, if you find yourself in a relationship with a person who had been limerent, you may see the red flags even within the relationship. The limerent person may go back to the values they seemed to have abandoned previously and begin to force the relationship to "fit" those values. This can be very painful for someone who feels blindsided by the onslaught of values that they never identified with as strongly. Especially if they are made to feel bad as a person for not identifying with those values. This happens because limerent people don't actually love you as a whole person and initially present to you the side they only want to show you (lying by omission). It's manipulative but they may not even be aware of their own manipulation because they're too busy trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole. At some point they might just be wishing you were someone else because the obsession and fantasy they had previously has mostly been worn away by time and real life. And if not, they're too busy trying to keep the fantasy alive to see the human being on the receiving end. The person on the receiving end feels lonely and invisible within the relationship because their actual needs within the relationship are unmet while they're being told to be someone else.
It's good to be aware of whether an attraction is genuine or based on make-believe. The best relationships develop from long term friendships where you learn to trust and respect each other for who you really are and not who you want each other to be.
I’ve been in Limerence for about 15 months. I was placed on a 5150 hold because of this. He had the perfect recipes of hot and cold and my Anxious attachment style could not handle it. Im finally coming out of it, and this channel and therapy had helped 😊
I agree with this but...I would be wary about giving this advice to limerant ppl. When you're in this position, the last thing you will do is admit it to yourself. I think this happened to me (you see, even now I will only say 'I *think*' ) ...it's very embarrassing. It happened to me after a divorce, quickly followed by job loss, when I guess I was at rock bottom mentally in self confidence etc. And someone (who was pathologically avoidant with everyone) 'messed me around'.
To cut a long story short, there were mixed messages which I should have understood were a big no-no. I was living (and still do live) quite an isolated existence away from true friends and ALL my family and it took a holiday with my very matter-of-fact blunt to the point of rudeness, brother who said simply 'the guy sounds like an asshole who thinks way too much of himself! Bin him'. I did so that evening although i had been limerant for this person for YEARS. And because I know what I'm like, I blocked him on everything immediately as well.
Ironically, I later fell out with my brother on the same holiday and we didn't speak for a year or so afterwards 😂
But...I think you should be a lot more careful 'calling a spade a spade' here. Accepting that you are basically imagining romantic things that aren't there, is a very tough thing to do at the time of it. My advice would be to suggest to people to spend time with family and those whose care for you cannot be called into doubt. Its not just about finding great hobbies (I am a musician, an artist etc was a keen cyclist) it's about self worth and self esteem - self esteem being feelings that are reflections back from others about how valued you are.
To help with my limerence I forced a rejection. Because at least it's closer.
Yup, thanks. This 100%. Existing in a unspoken, unsaid, unknown vacuum is the killer. There's nowhere for that energy to go. You just exist with no fresh air. Getting rejected at least allows the smoke to start clearing. You open the door and start letting it out.
Ouch
I done the same. It helped to force the bluntness out of them without any hem hawing. Then close their access to you in the same manner especially if you have always told them and show them that you would always leave your door open to them. Doing so was for me as my closing my door in return gave myself permission to start to focus on myself and what I need to do for me. Not only that... B4 I did so...I was seeing signs that the bread crumbing I was clinging to or merely perceiving as such...was being done to intentionally try and draw me into behavior to intentionally use against me. That's the scary part that someone would do that. But that part and the rest is for therapy and not ADHD oversharing. I don't know how I'm going to swing if financially...cuz as he said in the video....this relationship dynamic was totally damaging across all areas of my life. She's in therapy already. I hope it helps her.
Thanks, Chris and team, for your unconditional honesty ❤
Huge fan of a mutual, positive limerence. If you are lucky to experience it even once in your lifetime, it will change you forever.
It is a deep connection that gives basis to a lasting connection - if everything goes right.
I highly recommned the book Falling In Love by Francesco Alberoni.
"Alberoni argues that falling in love is a dynamic process that disrupts the existing emotional and social order of the individuals involved. This "revolution" refers to the radical shift in priorities, values, and behavior that happens as a result of the intense connection and commitment to each other.
The experience of falling in love creates a new, shared reality where both people undergo personal transformation and development.He emphasizes that this process is not just a simple emotional change but a profound reorganization of one's entire being, akin to a social revolution but on a personal level.
This transformation often involves a heightened sense of awareness, passion, and a feeling of rebirth, where the lovers see the world and themselves in a completely new light."
I think this vid is more about OC personality traits leading into stalking behaviours.
You started on UA-cam the exact year my husband left. I love how you’ve evolved!
Your husband left?
I'm really impressed with your content transformation, Chris. I felt like we grew together. When I was getting into my first relationships, desperately trying to get my ex back.
As I matured, I resented your content and thought it was honestly a cash grab - at that point it was pretty common for "ex back" content to be a way for people to profit off desperate people.
But I think you and I came to the same solution: a lot of people have a much deeper suffering than just experiencing a breakup. A lot of people have deep wounds that were going unhealed just for the process to repeat itself.
It's good to see that your interests have transformed, and that your desire to help people is pretty genuine. Your videos are as well researched as I think they can be, and it's clear you want to get to the root of relational problems.
Really proud of you and your evolution as a content creator! Excellent work.
I was obsessed with someone for 5 years without even seeing them or having any contact. When I healed from it I finally found someone with a secure attachment style and we had a wonderful healthy 2 years relationship until I got bored and decided to find another limerence object, an avoidant attachment style of course. I am seriously fucked up. Starting therapy asap.
I’m disorganized attachment (fearful-avoidant) and in my opinion we are the best for dismissive avoidants because we understand both insecure types. Even better than secure since they often don’t have patience for dismissive avoidants. Dismissive avoidants distance doesn’t bother fearful-avoidants as much as it does secure and especially anxious types and we give them just enough anxiety (but not too much). I bet this matching is most likely what works best long term for dismissive-avoidants. They need a bit of both.
Limerence has GOT to have NO reciprocation, ie limerence cannot happen IN a relationship - has to occur OUTSIDE a relationship - ie The Limerent 'Object'
It can happen in relationships too. When you are dating an avoidant, they can withhold attention or do intermittent reinforcement creating that vacuum where the anxious partner can obsessively think about their partner. It can be demoralizing as feelings are unreciprocated because the avoidant doesn’t develop these intense feelings. When you break up, the anxious person can pine away for their ex and at that point limerence takes a heavy toll. But yes, it can also happen inside a relationship (situationships).
@@feminineenergy653 100%. It's so hard to come to terms of no contact ever again, given those parameters , which I am totally in. Thanks for the concise comment, it's really helped
@feminineenergy653 yes, true. Situationships are the perfect breeding ground for limerance and everyone else can see it but you can't. Or you can but you feel you also see something deeper and more meaningful etc...
It's difficult to admit at the time, especially when you feel other things aren't going well in your life
Avoidants create their own damn problem with this.
A "platonic " male friend (that was like a brother to me) had very hidden sexual fantasies about me for over thirty years. I was unaware of his limerant feelings until he came onto me physically when we were together and it was only then I realized I was with a person I did not know . I felt very violated and unsafe. He was always predatory.. I cut off the connection immediately . He was like a wolf in sheeps clothing....
Wow! Incredible video. This is me to a tee. Im not even sure I want my ex but for some reason - I can’t stop thinking about her…lol
You both juat need to work on your inner child traumas
WOW!! the most comprehensive video and intellectual study of limerence thus far, thank you 🙏💕
" I needed this experiencing this at this time." I really needed to hear this message.Thank you 🙏
Avoid the avoidants and choose urself
It took me 7 years to finally break the limerence I was experiencing over my avoidant ex. The worst part was the intense heart-wrenching yearning that I was still feeling, even though I chose to put myself first and end the relationship. It was as if he had rejected me when, in reality, I rejected him. The whole situation consumed me completely, and Ieft me dazed and confused. I felt totally powerless within my power !!
It really makes me feel sad and defeated when you say the only way to fix attachment issues is through other relationships. I don't have a romantic one right now, but I do have my other relationships with friends and family. I see why you say to focus on those. Ugh.
This is a must watch for anyone that is wanting to have better relationship
Feeling this way almost killed me!! Am so much better now, i have the tools to recognize when its happening, and do my best to Love myself instead
I am glad that I discovered your channel yesterday. :)
the video is great for defining limerence and distinguishing it from a crush, but i have to say the conclusion sounds like an exact affirmation of the anxiously attached person's insecure delusion: that they will find fulfillment in another, and in a perfect, securely attached other, no less. that's exactly what makes anxious and fearful types obsess over avoidants: the illusion of emotional security in them. so basically the prescription here is, go seek out a secure person to become your new (platonic) limerent object 😅
i think the lists of how to overcome limerence are correct, just people don't know how to apply them, or aren't ready to let go. since it is basically an addiction, i believe a person won't want to let go of limerence until they hit rock bottom and are ready to admit they have a problem that they can't solve by doing the same things they've been doing. taking better care of myself and keeping my word to myself has been a huge game changer, as well as making sure to invest more into the reciprocal relationships i have (regardless of who is secure or not). it will take some time, but no contact and reducing exposure to things that trigger memories of the person also help
When you said that the internet often gives very basic answers or solutions to a problem, I felt that. I don’t know how many times I’ve Googled something and got great information outlining what the problem is but then not providing practical solutions. One of the reasons why I love your content is that you actually give detailed, step by step solutions.
Staying In reality is what you’re after because Limerance is nothing but an escape. This is a thought if you gonna escape make sure it brings back something that is rewarding in your reality( for example a business plan to take action or that weight loss goals, something that serves you) Limerance is a repetitive thoughts n fixation - tell yourself to stay in reality n if you escape are you bringing something back that makes your life better.
But what if you ARE the secured attachment and was just crushed by an anxious??? The lack of those studies/scenarios is frustrating.
i'm secure before and now i'm anxious bcs my avoidant gf, lost my mind really
@@diazalbn I’m right there with you, Sir. I’m 43, and never had a breakup like this. I’ve never resorted to looking at media platforms or dating coaches for answers. I’ve always accepted my fate and bounced. This breakup has me on the stringer for going on 4 months now. Painful…
@@DonkKong72I'm wondering what it is with these Avoidant types, the seem to be damaged the most
Idk if I'm actually a Limerant, but I have had an unspoken thing with a stranger for the last 2 years. She's not single, has kids,and shops where I work. So it's complicated.
There's a whole lot of energy and tension. She's gone thru several cycles of hot and cold in that time. We've been through 3 complete cycles and in the middle of another one. Hit and cold, social and anti-social. I find her behavior very confusing.
Sometimes I start ignoring her, because that's what I think she wants. Then she'll initiate contact again. So that always seem to work, unintentionally.
When I actually talk to her once in a while, she plays it coy. She pays attention, and a few weeks later (I see her usually once a week), she'll withdraw for seemingly no reason. I know she's anxious, and perhaps avoidant, but not all the time. I'm sure it's complicated for her, I'm pretty sure she's married.
I do think about her all the time, but I've never been more productive these last two years. She's inspired real change in my life, and I would tell her that if I wasn't terrified to scare her away. Which is not like me at all, and I'm not used to caring what anyone thinks either. Not used to the vulnerability
I'm a single dad in my 40s, I'm the leanest man in town, and I have too much experience to be imagining this.
There's a connection, a big one , and I'm not trying to have an affair with her. I'm aware that I know nothing about her, and I just want to talk, to know her.
I've never invented a personality for her, and I don't have a fantasy. It's hard to talk to her when I'm working, and she often has at least one child. If she's alone, she usually will grin, look down, and speed off. So I back off, then she'll say hi or good morning, after weeks of no contact. The tension is thick. It's confusing. I wish I could make it stop. I wish
I didn't care.
Is this. Limerance? I'm sure no one has read this..haha
I read it. gl
what makes me confused is...would i have had limerance if he wasnt avoidant in the first place...
so true!
avoidant or maybe he never liked you
Wow you slay again 🙌
That’s exactly how I was healed in a long term secure relationships.
The answer is Therapy. One is not qualified to “find someone with a stable attachment style” if they have no idea what that looks like because they’ve never had it in their life. Attachment dysfunction most often arises from early childhood- so “friends and family” may in-fact be the origin of the problem. Therapy, as your guest clinicians said, is how you carefully and strategically rebuild a healthy attachment. Therapy. Period.
I haven't scanned the comments to know..but as a person who has ADHD...I came across limerence through listening to Coach Ken on UA-cam concerning ADHD and how he describes it is near exactly me 💯 and wonder if this is a common occurrence with people with ADHD with anxious attachment style in your experiences. My ex is fearful avoidant according to her. This video really helps me. Ty
A little confused. So you were experiencing limerance for Jennifer which drove her away. Understood! What I don't understand is what was the transformation that finally brought you two together. Quite a leap to marriage in the end. I recognize this limerance aspect within myself currently. I feel very genuine loving feelings towards someone who has shown very friendly interest but not the same "feelings". Sometimes I don't know if this is a test or the real thing. So hard and I'm anxious avoidant I believe, which makes the not knowing and understanding excruciatingly hard to navigate. Love your google search reference. So true. Thanks for any insight.
He was using Jennifer as a hypothetical example of limerence. The scenario he put forth never happened. Believing so must have been very confusing to you. Limerence will never end up a healthy marriage
I was in limerance for about 4 years over a guy I was seeing. One day it hit me that the connection we had was almost completely all in my head. It was like a light bulb turned on and it hit me like a ton of bricks when I realized what was going on.
P. S. I’m anxious avoidant from what I can tell.
Thanks for being honest about the emotional pain surrounding limerence.
You have quite good insights and I've learned a lot from this channel. However I usually feel dejected after watching each of your videos. Yes I am in love with a person who I think is an avoidant. She ghosted me over a year ago and I still think about her daily.
this video has summed up what im currently experiencing, thank you
Thank you Chris I needed this...An actual practical solution. I was just thinking if I should see my psychologist and how she would judge me because she kinda told me that I would end up depressed if I continue to engage with this person.
There is so much more to this issue. Anxiety, depression, low self-esteem and loneliness drive the obsession. It is like recovering for substance addiction. One has to be in a place where say "enough is enough". This is no good!
so unrequited love?
Not love. Love is based on a real person and involves genuine feelings. Limerence sounds more like a core wound of childhood neglect that the limerent person is trying to fill. There's a hole they instinctively try to fill. What's bad is that it's very self centered and doesn't consider the feelings of the person on the receiving end. Love actually does consider the feelings of the person on the other end. Limerence is about self and entertaining a fantasy about a made up person.
The healthy relationship is with yourself, your family knew who you were before and didn’t help you.
You are oh so RIGHT. Thank you for your work and conclusion here. It's given me confirmation and clarity to take the next step.
Pretty Good! Yep right on, loved underwhelming lol. I'm glad I'm old. Somehow I learned if the person doesn't want me they become less attractive. Still sad, but I always fall in love again.
I noticed when I try to kill an obsession it gets stronger. Contrary to pop wisdom, I insanely thought "Fine! I'll obsess harder!" Well, curiously, that quickly gets exhausting. And i get over them quicker. Auto reverse psychology
Every time we try to avoid something through such a mechanism we're actually resisting what is. Also we're not respecting the other person's consent when we engage into limerence. Good luck to y'all. It's hard to get out of it but it's possible.
Kudos to you for telling people the truth instead of giving them the clickbait of „they’ll always come back“.
16:20 “it’s not what the therapist says but it’s the relationship…” very interesting!
I have been saying that all I need is someone to love me right again. When I had that, this shit didn't exist.
I thought limerence occured outside of a relationship. It tends to be one sided. (I read this on a website so I am not 100 percent sure...)
I don't think I've ever experienced limerance, and I absolutely don't trust anyone who becomes that obsessed with me.
1:30 I think the main difference is actually quite simpler. When you are in love, you merely see the ‘real” person. Or at least the version they presented to you on a first dates. When you are limerent, you feel the same towards the delusion you created yourself. The ‘real’ version WAS presented, but you chose to ignore it and chase the dream
Makes so much sense to me, I won over my avoidant husband whom I was separated from and we’ve both been miserable!! It’s my limerance over him….I thought I was still in love with him when in reality I think I thought I couldn’t survive without him so I talked him into getting back together. Big mistake, especially since I moved all my stuff from living 2 states away and we rented an overpriced house UGH to be together…..now I have to get out of it!! Not looking forward to this conversation!!
Let the avoidant set the pace of contact.. it's hard because you want to connect. But overloving makes them as uncomfortable..its akin to someone up in your personal space being touchy feely.
Hey Chris! I wanna be part of your guesting soon. Btw my name is Fred with a background of Psychology and has also experienced dating dismissive avoidants and fearful avoidant.
Well, I’m screwed, I have no secure attachment style people in my life. I can’t find any and even if I did I wouldn’t know how to make them want to be a part of my life.
Please don't think like that, you're not screwed if you don't want to be. Accept the challenge to better yourself, your life and the people and situations. Live as healthy as possible, keep getting information and learning as you are doing. Associate less with people and places that don't support your growth and healing direction. New people will cross your path, even if it's just for an hour or maybe someone who becomes a friend or partner...if you make the most of each situation, then things will improve and you will become more trusting and secure and have less anxious or avoidant reactions. People who are doing well in life and are kind will help you vibe properly because you can reflect and sync the example of their energy, but attaching to anyone is always subject to disappointment because we can never control or direct the course of another persons life, things change...your experience of .secure attachment is always and only within you and that's where to develop step by step so that your experience is steady.
Im an anxious infj and I had Limerence with a co-worker with BPD 😮😮😮. Favourite persons and then the cards fell.
I'm glad you didn't say that it takes a romantic relationship to fix it because I'm done with men, love and relationships.
Wrecked my life..
How do I even begin to find a secure person??
love the graphics!!
Stressful background music generates anxiety. Please remember that english might not be our native language and we are not necessarily familiar with the theories you are presented.
Thank you. Very helpful.
I think limerence is self induced emotional-biological addiction to/with an internalized figure via phantasy bond.
A permanent hyperactivation of the biological bonding system.
In it's mabifestation it is like addiction to hard drugs.
And of course, you can be limerent while in a relationship.
It is an internal prozess.
I got a dog to have an actual healthy relationship.aybe that will help 😅
pets do heal ❤🐱🐕
14:29 Emotionally Repairative Experience THROUGH Relationship
And the only relationship that can truly fix it, is a relationship with Jesus Christ. Until you turn to Him, you will continue to seek and attempt to fix it through other flawed humans.
Thanks
Everything is temporary
❤
"I've maybe, a little bit, underperformed at work... and maybeee got a little bit fired...."
😂💀
Thank you for this
Dorothy can say whatever she wants but not necessarily is the truth. She is a Virgo. She is very logical analytical person of course she will experience a person with deep feelings different. 😂😂😂 people never going to understand the success in relationships from a life partner to family to business is to invest energy in those people that are zodiac signs compatibility with you. I will never put my energy in a Virgo because I’m too different. Some people are cold as ice for goodness sake and others are passionate. Is that hard to understand? Limerance doesn’t exist just people that are informed badly. Don’t put your eyes in a person with a zodiac sign that doesn’t match you or you will hear a lot of complaints and they will ignore you. There is an astrological research about couples did by psychologist Carl Jung that speaks about that. People are wasting money going to a psychologist that will suck your savings instead read about Carl Jung and Edward Cayce works on soulmates.
surprise surprise! I am an emotional Virgo suffering from limerence
Is limerence only romantic in nature? Cause I've heard people talking about having this for other type of relationships. Like neglected kids, who have this for some mother/father figure they never really experienced.
You're good! 😔
Whatever this guy says dont be with a avoidant flat out. Id LOVE to have someone that thought of me all day. Its onlu a problem for AVs
Typo, "lemerence", @ 00:26
First, let me try to suppress my depression, which was beaten into me by my narcissistic wife. Then I'll seek out people who have a secure attachment style, while I no longer have the capacity to even leave the apartment 😵💫
find a game ur better at than she is. Keep wining
Hard when you have kids with them. But why do women never say when they in the wrong only blame the man
Addiction is an expression of obsessive compulsive repetition.
Me too
Ah so she wasn't an anxious avoidant that was just avoidant limerance, lasted 1 year . Must have been entering nostalgia for her ex because she was practically begging to leave over Communication issues that she couldn't deal with. Must be so exhausting
Btw the suit was great :)
To be honest this fits my estimation that some kinds of "love" are actually more like psychosis. You have a warped idea of reality not shared by anyone else to the point of becoming dysfunctional. This isn't love it's insanity.
Is this what stalkers have?
This is scary … like stalker vibes
Word salad at its finest. As a licensed CP I Disagree wholeheartedly. The “cure” in putting it loosely is to stop romanticizing the LO, only achieved with the help of a highly skilled clinician. The School of Life on here has a short clip about this from a few years ago.
Really? Doubtful that you’re anywhere near being a CP.
🎉❤🎉❤🎉
You didn’t have self interest or identity to begin with.