😮 H,,h, how profound,, Cold bitter truth,,!! Over a Comforting lie,,!! I,,i,it's like the lie, is nice and warm, a,,a,and yes and comforting,, but the truth is,, well kind of,, cold,, and b,,bitter,,!! Where did you get this quote,, how how could you come up with this,,?? i,,i,I mean is this even in the Bible,,?,, Cold,,, a,,and bitter is,, the truth,,!! Yet,, warm,, and Comforting,, is the lie,, like a big warm Quilt of lie,,!! B,,but if you want the Truth,,, you better be prepared,,,!! Get your big Coat and gloves on too,, maybe a scarf,?? Definitely,, thick Socks,,, And prepare for the Truth,,,!!TRUTH,,,!!! Oh wow,, this quote,, it,, it is just,,. I want it,,, Cocaine also helps too though,,,
@@positivel5530 Even if they are not narcissists they sure do behave like they are. So does the difference in their motivations really matter from the perspective of those on the receiving end of their behavior?
Probably seeking some traditions, is also good idea..to save the society in healthy ways, and yet be modern, but minimalistic. and seeking people who seek traditions, being polite is also part of traditions. This is a love letter from lady who is Opera or soprano singer and her hubby is also classical music conductor, he loves minimalism, at work, minimal gestures with maximal benefit. because too much noise is distracting. He always uses polite language when talking to colleagues whether it face to face or online. Because classy language actually helps you to protect yourself from some unwanted behavior... He said in the 1950´s the conductors used to be harsh on colleagues (or the males), on musicians, in order to force discipline, but today such attitude would not work out well, the collaegues would just ignore you as director or leader, or conductor, if you would talk to them harshly so men in ceratin positinions have to act classy, and be polite, if its possible even today ...but they also have great sense of humor, the job isnt boring. She doesn´t post much content on Instagram because as she said on facebook, people who know me, know that I dont like to brag about myself I promised content but I don´t post much content. but I like her attitude even though she is not posting much. She wrote a nice love letter to their 9 years of relationship and wedding, two years ago. The love can look like this, especially for those who still like traditions, it may inspire you in some way, for your love journey. From instagram: "9year since my amazing man traveled from Italy be with me in this Tinny Rainy country called The Netherlands. We have had some amazing times and some very rough seas but that’s what the best adventures are made from. Through it all we have always had the most important ingredient: Love! Love which keeps growing bigger and stronger with every passing moment. 2022 will remembered for the official knot we have finally tied in it and for the house we found. The 2023 marks the start of actually buying that house and making it our own! To new amazing adventures and another 40 years together at least! (Yes I will keep resetting that clock for as long as I can! ) I love you. I love every part of you, every thought and word...the entire complex, fascinating bundle of all the things you are. I want you with ten different kinds of need at once. I love all the seasons of you, the way you are now, the thought of how much more beautiful you'll be in the decades to come. I love you for being the answer to every question my heart could ask." Year later she wrote: "year later and I love you even more." he treats people with humility and polite attitude, and his pilosophy is if someone is rude arrogrant, just ignore them they will stop approaching you, he is also "romanticism" lover of 19 century, loves paintnings and music and yet he is masculine guy, looks masculine and she is very feminine.
I have zero interest in getting back together with that dismissive avoidant… I’m interested in healing my cptsd and the disorganized attachment that relationship brought out. The point is to not repeat relational mistakes in the future.
And if you’ve been walking on eggshells with an avoidant, your cortisol has been high through the relationship. I’ve been taking supplements to regulate my cortisol, meditating everyday and in therapy. It really helps get you out of the fight, flight, freeze cycle. Starting to come to realization my ex is terrible for me and I don’t need him.
Everything you said is true, I’m now on the third breakup with my dismissive avoidant ex. He has caused me a huge amount of trauma and pain. This is one of your best videos I think, you should definitely not want someone back who can put you through hell and back. Like you said pour your energy into yourself and when the time is right try and be in a relationship with someone more secure ❤
You deserve better... what helps me ( eventhough i dumped my ex) is watching motivational videos.. inspirational videos.. affirmations... good music.. working out and focusing on yourself and also eating and drinking healthy... eventually you will find yourself again and learn what never to tolerate ever again..
Fun fact and its could be a hard core truth. Try to understand urself why you chase unavailable people. Possibly you feel incomplete inside and not ready to accept the easy partners maybe coz its too easy and there is no spice to it. Or u push them away saying they not our type.But see around and observe the happy couples. Their love stories started in mundanity (no huge dramas). We the half ppl were chasing the drama and left the good ppl behind and took up a unnecessary task of trying to change someone who is emotionally immature.. why? Because we hvnt taken the accountability of ourselves been broken or living a half life. I have come a long way in this journey and spent half my life in limerence of so called avoidants or control freaks. But i have learned one thing.. you come alone in this world and die alone.. what happens in between in ur life is the only thing u can control. Meditation and breath work has helped me stay in current moment. Live every moment for today and for urself. No one else matters. And while u live that way if someone loves to join you and u feel they are truely withu in synergy.. is the right person for u. And they can come in any shape size and form (Even they can decide to leave one day by any means). After all our whole Life is an act of letting go.. including ur own soul at its end. Hence dont chase let life happen in the moment. And only when u live like this and welcome things that way and let go of things that want to go one will be truely happy inside to the soul level.
After I raised up to 325k trading with her I bought a new House and a car here in the states 🇺🇸🇺🇸 also paid for my son's surgery (Oscar). Glory to God.shalom.
I’ve been watching these types of videos on no contact and avoidant attachment, not to get my ex back but to move on. I’m convinced she will never be back and I’ve made my peace with it. This video gives me a perspective that most likely we would break up again if we ever come back together, why go through that again?
@@ceyciemateo9411 Have you been in enough relationships to understand all of the possible different situations that happen in the billions of relationships in the world? I'm pretty confident the answer is no. You don't know what his situation was. In my case, I also did the opposite of neglecting. I poured my heart out even when I was getting very little back because I thought things would improve. I was told that she didn't feel ready and couldn't reciprocate, that I deserved someone else who could. I was also told I was kinder than she deserved. Please don't act like you know everything, because you do not. Nobody does.
My ex and I broke up a couple of years ago. At that time I did not understand the dynamics of masculine to feminine polarity and was acting needy which drover her away. After the breakup I went ahead and lived my life to the fullest. I educated myself on being a better man and delved 100% into educating myself and being a better man. I got on point and focused on being better than I was the day before. A year after our separation she reached out to me. I refused her due to the fact that I was seeing someone else. Shortly later after I became single I returned her message. Shortly later we started doing things together and that led to formal dating. We became exclusive after a few months and now have been together over a year. Nothing is perfect, but we are definitely compatible and do love each other. But I also realize that since we have broken up once before the chance of it happening again is a very real possibility. And if that is the case, with the growth that I have experienced I know that I will be just fine.
Chris, you are one of most HONEST people out here! There are only a few others. I see why you're so respected. I use to vacillate between breaking NC and moving on. Thank you, Chris!
Have you thought, that as a result that you Grew, That you might be too tall for him now,? I did the Same my ex just stayed the same, but I grew, in the end I was at least 4ft taller than her,,!!
@@yeswing10 Lust is Just,, well Anything Tasty, And Anything pleasant to the eye,, And anything to be Desired to make one Wise,, To know a thing, all Concerning Oneself,, Or For The Gain, Whether it be a wealth, Or a Fleshly Satisfaction,, Whilst Love is a giving of Oneself With no Asking for return, But in a faith That The Love,, Shown,, of That giving Of Oneself, will Naturally Come through As a result of Loving Another. Even as they, have Also loved you. True, Real Love,, is,, SACRIFICE,,
after many years apart, he is worse ! all the things i'd left him over are now readily, glaringly apparent. glad i listened to my intuition despite how subtle it was back then. my god, it was hard !!
I wondered about this recently. My ex is severely avoidant. She broke up with me. Has no self awareness. Blame. No responsibility for any part of the relationship. Ignored and stonewalled me. I asked her if she wanted to go to couples therapy to which she said she didn't have anything to fix. And she said there shouldn't be ANY compromise in a relationship. Constantly interrupted when I tried to communicate. Even if she came back there is too much damage. There is no way to fix and salvage what is broken. I'm all in to fix things, myself included, and her. But I think it's an uphill battle.
If I had to describe my ex' features, it would be almost exactly the same... ! They never learn, you just love them the way they are and learn to get along with them, or dont let them back into your life and wish em well.
Being in a relationship like that would be like you're the parent, and she is the child. You are both living at a different level. It will not work. You deserve someone more at your level of self-awareness and accountability, but you have to be very discerning in the beginning of dating someone, much less committing to someone. And needing counseling sessions with someone even BEFORE marriage? 🤔 uh-uh. No way. It won't get better. Run! Quick and far!
Chris this is the most important video you have ever made, and I strongly, strongly encourage you to include it in the introduction of your programme. I have actually bought your programme and I'm a psychologist myself, and it was immediately obvious to me that this element was missing, especially when you had done your research and were aware that the vast majority of your clients were anxious while their exes were avoidant. Without there being EQUAL measures of effort on the side of BOTH parties working on the behaviours arising from their attachment styles, they will either break up again or be stuck in a miserable dynamic. But most often break up. I'm not a believer in demonising avoidants, however they are certainly the less likely between an anxious and an avoidant to actually commit to working on themselves and their avoidant tendencies
Sorry just got around to seeing this. I think you are absolutely right. I definitely want to update the program whenever I have a handle on everything and I will absolutely include this video in it!
Man I really appreciate this video. She ghosted me three weeks ago after four months and I’m obsessed with getting her back. I’m not in any sort of state to make life decisions right now with my chemistry so out of whack.
Dude, Ive just passed through 6 months ofhell, stood in the ashes of my ruin and gazed upon my own death. Do nt do it. Which means nothing, I know. It has to evolve naturally, but when you start to becoome disappointed and start to give up, as in really give up, that is when the healing occurs and only then can you engage with dignity, self control and reason. Til then brother, god speed on your journey through the valley of death.
@@exxcaliburs6002 I have no idea how I’ve managed to maintain no contact. She had an obsessed ex that would just show up, and I promised her I would never chase her. Now I see what was happening. She’d done the same to him. I catch myself trying to trick myself into reaching out. I’ve never felt this neurotic. Keeping away let’s me keep my last shred of dignity and every impulse I feel is to reach out. It’s absolute hell.
I wish you two were my ex talking. Every single fight, I was the one who had to call him to get him to finally talk to me again, and he absolutely refused to call me first. I'd chase him, blow up his phone and he'd throw me into horrific anxiety not answering me for days. It has been like an evil game. If I bring up anything at all, including him being "intimately selfish", he would rage on me and hang up, and then block me. He "left me hanging" every single time for the last year during intimacy. Only cared about his own pleasure and I did all the "work". It made me feel used, unappreciated, unattractive and taken for granted. I spoiled the shit out of him and never got it back. Only caught hell. I have worshipped the ground he walked on. Fell at his feet, smothered him with physical attention that he LOVED, and he just told me AGAIN that I need to get my shit together because I brought up things about our relationship and wanted to talk about them. He flippantly said he doesn't belong in a relationship and would like me in his life "to some degree" but knows I want "all or nothing" so it's my choice to leave HIM. I cannot believe how he spun it completely around on me. I said "you can't be serious, are you fn kidding me?" He ripped into me and blocked me. We are nearly 50 years old. I've made a complete fool of myself. Was ready to do something stupid 2 nights ago to myself. The anxiety won't stop. I wake with extreme nervousness in my stomach and still, I can't stop the obsessing over how he could be so cold. He was going thru a divorce, I did so much for him by being his soundboard daily, supporting him, fighting for him, and continually got gaslit, and stonewalled & punished. Right down to getting him sobered up as he was a drunken mess. All for nothing. He took me for granted and I was not allowed to bring anything up or suffer the consequences. He'd make it sound like I was a nagging girlfriend. Though he's done this before to me repeatedly and I went through torture, I am still here thinking, "I f'd it all up, i should've kept my mouth shut. It's MY FAULT." I have even lost my faith. I wish there was a place to go to make the pain stop. Minutes go by like hours.
I can relate. My ex broke up with me last week after being together for three months. He decided to go back to his ex a week after his ex reached out to him. Everything was good between us. We had no fights or arguments. I think that level security scared him, thinking that I was too good for him and he felt that he didn't deserve it. He had to run back to some familiar. I wish you well on your healing journey.
I think re-breakups happen because lessons were not learned. In my opinion, reconciliation must happen when mentalities of both the man and the woman are at the right place for a healthy relationship. Reunion should not happen for selfish reasons. All these must be tested through a mediator e.g. therapist
❓❓Do people try to get their old job back after getting fired?? NO, they focus on finding a new job! so why try to get your ex back after he Left you? Breakup industry is helping you get your OLD job back instead of giving you tools go get a better new job... My respect for this video ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐👏👏👏👏
I had a breakup with a fearful avoidant I really do love and they apologized to me for what they did and how they handled things. I thanked them but haven’t reached out since.
This is what happens when you advise people to break no contact after 30 days. Of course it opens the door to be dumped again. The 30 days rule is BS. Reaching out to an ex (dumper) is a mistake. They need to reach out saying something significant
@@PB-md3nt Yeah but Chris Seiter advises...just look at his no contact playlist. He is OK with people reaching out to their exes after 30 days by breaking no contact lol. So of course his clients will be dumped again...and their life will be a mess when they get back together. He is showing in this video that their clients are getting back with an ex in the wrong way
@@tanguerogo The issue is, and I can speak from experience, after NC the problem is that the dumper does not want to work on what THEY contributed to the breakup. So what ends up happening is that the same problems will resurface over and over and over as many makeup/breakup cycles there are.
I'm an anxious attachment after my break up I watched every video on UA-cam about avoidants and how to get my ex back. My ex has been bread crumbing me and still not sure if he wants me back. After a while I came to conclusion I don't care if he comes back or not. I blocked him, we are cool even though I don't want to be friends and I'm not dating but I am dating myself and my focus went from my ex to myself. I don't care what he does anymore I wish him the best and now my focus is me. Thank you for this video. I needed this video, now I feel more sure about my decision to finally close the chapter and rewrite the new one!
Watched it till the very last second. Probably the best break-up video I have ever seen. Changed my entire view on how I should behave post break-up... Thanks ALOT...
This video was extremely helpful and very honest. There is a breakup industry and I’m glad you’re honest about your integrity and what your true goals and hopes for your clients are, which is being happy and secure - which means many times not going back to an ex. Appreciated this video a ton!
You know what Chris, if your honesty makes people mad, then that’s on them! I’d much rather you tell me the truth vs a lie to make money. Actually, you just gained even more respect from me!! Thank you for posting this!! Much love to you and your wife!!
Thank you for showing this. I’ve always took issue with influencers teaching people how to get their ex back instead of telling people to heal. You don’t want someone back that discarded you. You wouldn’t do that to them. People who obsess over getting their ex back more than likely have an anxious attachment style. That’s what people should be focusing on. Ourselves and how to heal.
I'm not sure people even want their ex back anyway, it's about the security, familiarity and being with someone. People personify a relationship and miss the relationship and brain chemistry that comes with that, they just think it's about the person. Reactive attachment disorder should be where the work goes rather than an ex. Great video 😊 nice and honest
Great post! I think the key problem in the "second breakup" is exactly as you said: many of the people who reunite with their exes make the same mistakes as they did the first time around. It's a second chance, a second honeymoon phase. That euphoria is difficult to resist, much less think clearly within. And if their exes are for the most part avoidants, this only increases the probability of a second breakup.
Instead of trying to "get you ex back" , use that time to learn about yourself and grow. Trying to "get your ex back" shows you need work on your self worth, self respect and self love. Find happiness within yourself. Your ex can't give you that nor can anyone else.. ..❤
This is excellent! Working on healing your wounds and becoming your best self only has benefits! I appreciate the direction that you're going with this.
Same, got him back lost him 6 months later just by reaching out after a couple months because I missed him. This time I am more physically, emotionally and mentally destroyed. I didn’t stumble on your stuff till now though. The interview you had with Lee the ungettable woman was the BEST to be honest. She broke up with her ex the second time I believe because she knew she could do better and she was so much cooler than him 😂 Unfortunately my ex was extremely intelligent and has the accolades to prove it, I however am a university graduate but I’m not in the same category. After we broke up it seemed his phantom ex became a previous ex 🤷🏻♀️
This is maybe the best video I have watched about breakups. My ex left me over 2 years ago and came back within 3 months. He wasn’t fully back in until a year ago. I’m FA but this has pushed me more into my anxious side. But throughout I have been working on myself. Working towards a secure attachment is the only thing that will make a difference to your life long term.
I just finished the book attached. If you want to take a new path. No bs. Listen to it and apply it. This video you did effectively confirms everything. Very well done.
Same with all the law of assumption people. It might work for some but I doubt it is the answer and works rarely. If my ex tried it on me it wouldn’t work because I am totally over him no matter what he thinks in his head! If someone didn’t want to be with you move on and find better. ❤
Indeed, indeed, indeed. Everything you said, Chris. Changing my attachment style. No more dismissive avoidants. No more high levels of cortisol for extended periods.
Couldn't agree more- recently reunited with an ex and the magic was completely gone- the fun, the electricity, the sheer magic & excitement was totally absent. And Life bought us both a brand new pair of luggage. It's been a couple months and completely over her but I only have love & the best wishes for her.
Best video on this topic, 100%. I've watched 100s of hours on UA-cam about getting back exes, working on yourself and attachment theory, even dozens of the awful "Get her back in 30 days" videos, and this one sums up most of what I learned. I don't want my ex back anymore. I've been working on myself a lot, and in the process I've realized that we just aren't compatible, and that's OK. My cortisol levels were running the show. It took 7 months of agony, thinking critically, talking to my friends, trying myself in new things and challenging my fears, and now I'm better than ever! If you're in a situation like he describes, you too can get to where I am now, where everything is better. I'll never see her again, and everything is better for it. Start your journey now, for YOU! Meditation helped get my mind calm enough to think straight. Working out got me confidence, like, IMMEDIATELY! I've gained a whole new perspective on life and what matters in it (hint: things only matter if you decide they do).
...yeah that's true. I was thinking that most relationships simply don't work longer term regardless of any situation. Probably way less than 1% of relationships actually work long term, maybe more like 0.01%.
Currently undergoing therapy and having daily yoga to try and control the stress. The avoidant person discarded me second time with no explanation. They didn't care or love me by the discarding action and passive aggressiveness. Just finding hard to let go but I hope that I will be fine in time and learn to be stronger again. Don't ever go back to your ex it never works the second time round. Chris is right - the trajectory is that getting an ex back is more likely to prolong the pain and suffering you feel. I realise now that I need to heal myself and not get lured into this type of relationship again. 💔
That’s because most people don’t know what love is, they don’t see their ex for who they are, they still want the dream, love is sitting down with each other and setting intentions, commitment through thick and thin, for better or for worse in sickness and in health, you both have to be aware of that and commit to each other, move at each others speeds, you need to be sure that it is them who you want, even when they are at their most difficult, and them to you.
Sometimes things just don’t work out after one good or a couple tries. Occasionally things do regenerate in a solid and healthy direction. If a reunion appears possible ask yourself and ask them, actually say something like, “What is different now that would lead to a much better outcome”? Good luck to all.
Yeah...they broke up with you for a reason. But whatever that one reason was, or the straw that broke it for them, its only the tip of the iceberg. They're just not invested or feeling a bond. It sounds simple, and it really is. You only demean yourself "trying" anything to get them to feel something they don't. Walk away. Yes, it sucks, but in time, you'll only gain more pride and self confidence keeping your dignity.
Chris Thank you so much for your candidness and being genuine. Your info has helped me tremendously. Speaking for myself, it’s not anxious attachment in me. It’s a partnership of 8 years that I placed my full trust in. Poof she ghosted. She self admitted she has issues and knows she is a DA. I loved selfLESSLY and gave all despite it. I’m mourning the loss , like a death.
Extremely brave of You to Make this video . I can only gather Your conscious got the better of You , huge respect for Your honesty I’ve already been dumped twice by my ex . Now He has resorted to ghosting Being aware that I’m anxious I’m working on myself . Im reading and learning even more about attachment theory . I never want to be with an Avoidant again or Any Man who isn’t sure if He wants Me I can’t go through this again . He isn’t worth it and I’m worth more than His breadcrumbs . His Lack of Intimacy , Flakey self absorbed ,inconsiderate , disrespectful crap
ah yes Chris. meditation and shadow work are what's needed for the cortisol levels to shift down. I love this though. Yes, focus more on us healing anxious attachment. but maybe trick some of us with "ex back" hooks while slyly teaching us nervous system regulation. But thank you for always ..caring and being a good person.
It’s a great video, Chris! People need explanations about avoidance anyway - not to return avoidant partners back,but to receive some closure, to receive understanding. It can take years to heal otherwise without logical understanding what the hell happened…
I’m a living example of the avoidant cycle and I was to blame for me letting him back. Exact same thing happened months later. And again! And he was the one that broke up with me and reached out after only two to three weeks after he broke it off. lol. F’n crazy of me. Over it now but I look back at what I allowed. I’ve grown past that but it was insane of me to allow it. I forgive me for this.
People who want their ex back have attachment problems. So they will inevitably be in a toxic relationship dynamic again unless they heal or get lucky and get with a patient secure person.
I'm in an interesting spot. I broke up with my gf after 7 years. She is a dismissive avoidant. I told her I'm not happy, and the relationship is something that I cannot maintain due to my mental health decline. We both went to therapy. I've applied myself and she, after two months stated she had nothing to talk about. I had to break it up. FF since the breakup, she did the therapy part and wants me to see her tomorrow. I know that the chance of getting a relationship I want is slim but am I crazy for giving her the time, to talk?
"a relationship broke it and only a relationship can fix it"... please hear me loudly and clearly when I say you can do all of the internal work that you want, but it will be a landline blowing you back even further if you do not get the validation externally that you are worthy… Because we are broken from the external, we must also be fixed with the external
I noticed this myself being in an on and off relationship for two years. My ex would break up with me, around two months later I would be feeling happy/focusing on myself, and that's exactly when they would come crawling back. It's weird. Thankfully, I'm done taking them back.
This was really good, becoming aware so much of the wanting them back is a trick of our body and mind allows us to choose. Relationships with friends, Passion projects, self improvement, and especially regulating cortisol are the focus.
I’ve pretty much made up my mind. I don’t plan on going back as I stated in my comment on your last video. I’m done. What transpired for me is unforgivable.
Chris, The reason I watch you is for insight into what went wrong in my relationships, not to get an ex back. I am trying to be more securely attached and want to stop getting attracted to avoidants. Because of my anxious attachment style, I took my avoidant boyfriend back four times in five years--it was a painful mess that hurt my self-esteem more and more each time it ended. Please realize that your videos have value for people who aren't trying to get an ex back, and we don't see you as a used car salesperson! Life is too short to not be proud of your career. My avoidant ex boyfriend was the one who sold me a lemon over and over again, not you.
Love this video. Love your honesty. Love your authenticity. Chasing an avoidant or desiring to return to one is the opposite of the very core of who I envision myself to be.
Yes. Broken up with last August (Situationship, couldnt commit) I went NC not to get him back but to heal and possibly reignite a friendship, he came back about 45 days later and sparked up more flirting and wanted to see me again. We met up, had a great time, I asked where he stood on being exclusive with me, again he couldnt do it and let me go after ghosting me for almost 2 days after our weekend together. This time blocked him, I just dont want him to come around again.
The biggest question you need to ask before getting back with an ex: Is this person my soulmate? Is your intuition telling you that he is the one? If your intuition n heart telling you he aint the one N plus he feels the same as well Then you're wasting your time Your reunion will 100% will fail
I got back with my ex in January , the irony is, he made me feel like he was helping getting me through it, bypassing the fact he was the person who put me through it. In the end I helped him get over the actual reason that ended us, (he needed to do inner mental work) instead had a new reason to justify it (distance) . I am crushed, if I never got back together with him I would have likly been healed by now.
Can you make more videos to help us avoidents recognize our deactivation states and heal. I don't want to be this way but it's so subconscious sometimes.
Thank you for an honest video! Very unique! Also, every 6th person acc to new studies, have manipulative personality disorder. And guess who us anxious often are addicted to? That type.
The over all truth is that if you choose to get someone back who hasn’t become secure eventually you’ll find yourself back in the cycle of doom. Instead of living in that cycle take it as your chance to reinvent a more secure you. Even if you have to rewind to who you were before you knew your ex. Consciously decide to visualize your ex with the knowledge of how they identified with. Were they anxious, fearful, or dismissive? Now, recognize the next person you’re attracted to might have similar qualities that make you feel like you’ve known them forever. Be aware and be careful not to repeat the cycle of doom with the attachment personality style that you just left. Regardless if it’s with the same person or the new person. Instead keep things extremely organized in your conscious mind. Yes it’s not sexy, yes it’s not exciting, yes it could make things feel lonely for the time being. But would you rather keep those cortisone levels high over a long period of time and gain all that weight? Or would you rather be self sufficient, secure, conscious confident, authentic, and with more secure friendships all around you? Eventually you’ll find that what you used to be attracted to isn’t what you’re now attracted to. You’ll feel almost irritated by the types of people you were once attracted to. You’ve done the introspective work on yourself, you’ve figured them out, and the mysteriousness of them is gone. You begin to see them live their life in cycles and thank goodness you don’t have to be stuck in the cycle with them. Instead you find a secure person who you can be authentic with and that you don’t have to try to attract them into your life. They just want you the way you are. Authenticity thin because the cortisone levels are low now.
I’ve just separated from a 11 yr relationship 5 married with 5 kids. It’s a cycle we have split 4-5 times and I get the shit end of the stick every time. The thing is she will swear up and down she doesn’t want me back, sleep around for a few months, then wait till I’m in a better spot to try and get me back. She will try to destroy what ever relationship I’m in too. My dumb ass takes her back cause the kids but I still end up with nothing. I’m now crashing at my moms, no car, but I have a decent job. Take my advice and never go back, never.
My ex and I got back together. Ended again in 7 months. We actually got back together 6x. Haha it always ends. Keep going back til you feel indifference. That works. He keeps coming back. Tried the last two weekends. Rejected! He's a DA, or covert narc idk but although I'm a slow learner I think I've got it now.
Chris you are so brave and sincere to have always highlighted the inconvenient truth. You initially said that there is a very likely chance your program will not work to get your ex back, and now that if we do it may still not work long term, so work on yourself. Your honesty is your strongest suit.
dude, I'm unknowingly going through this. Been hanging out with two of secured friends. Ex has only made an appearance but no effort to be anything more. She followed me on IG but realizing that it was conflicting with my mental recovery I swiftly removed her. Havent seen her since. And since then, took better approach on more self care and security within myself. As much as I miss her and loved her, I find it hard to see myself with her the way I am now, going back would literally feel like going backwards in my progress of things. Thanks Chris, wish I could shake your hand for your work.
BTW, its been over a year now. And for the first six months I was checking up on her socials, which made the healing process so much slower like you said. Six months later now. So much has changed.
Wow. This video hit hard. I started watching more of your recent ones and I needed them. Thank you for your novel and honest approach. This is stuff no other dating coach has offered. Please keep doing what you’re doing. It is helping some get their exes back and stay and you’re helping others move on.
Spoke with the ex after 6 months two days ago. I am not sure where I stand. I love her as a human , sure, but I dont want to experience the hellish mind fuck of what happened and the dark noight of the soul ever again. I Knew nothing of attachment. Now I could write a book. Ive absorded 1000s of hours. So we'll see. She can have her space as a textbook avoidant because Im wary af. I am also used to her absence. If she comes back, she can drive it, if not, so be it. There will be caveats aplenty. Ive dated the most beautiful women in my life since she left. I look right through them but the point is, I surived. Thus, she has less power over me.
I don't see an issue. Here's my perspective: After a break-up, people change. I know I have, many have. Maybe not everyone but many have. If you change and aren't the same person you used to be then it's almost like dating someone new, except that it isn't. Maybe they still have negatives. The same or new. You can blame it on Ex's break up 70% in the year. But let's also look at another statistic. I don't have numbers but I bet I speak for everyone that we've all broken up at some point or another. A relationship isn't usually going to be the first partner or even your next might last. Where am I going with this? It's likely that whether your partner is an ex or a new person, they're bound to have negatives and you're also very likely to break-up, statistically accurate. That doesn't mean it will. Chances of breaking up have always been high, I doubt this is based if whether it is an ex or some new guy. If you want your ex, I'd suggest trying. If not, have fun hunting partner.
This is great advice. I think it could be additionally helpful to directly mention the concept of “relationship to self, which is indirectly mentioned in the last minute or so of the video. This is a really important concept which might deserve its own video.
Hey! I'm the one honest used car dealer! I'll tell you how bad this car is so I can sell you another one, which is the exact same model painted a different color. He uses the right analogy because he is using an old used car salesman trick. Makes you think he's the one honest one
Stay away from those that don’t love themselves. They won’t be able to accept your love.
Exactly
Im learning this 2 years later
@@mina8XO Hard thing to learn right.
Facts.
This is very true!!!
Working on yourself is the best thing you can do for yourself whether or not you try it again with your ex. You win regardless.
TRUTH
This best thing to do
Totally. But most of the time people don't want to even admit that they have issues.
Tell me a cold bitter truth over a comforting lie any day of the week, Chris.
Excellent quote.
@@noverguyThank you.
sucker
@@bigboss6867 You're welcome.
😮
H,,h, how profound,,
Cold bitter truth,,!!
Over a Comforting lie,,!! I,,i,it's like the lie, is nice and warm, a,,a,and yes and comforting,, but the truth is,, well kind of,, cold,, and b,,bitter,,!!
Where did you get this quote,, how how could you come up with this,,?? i,,i,I mean is this even in the Bible,,?,,
Cold,,, a,,and bitter is,, the truth,,!!
Yet,, warm,, and Comforting,, is the lie,, like a big warm Quilt of lie,,!!
B,,but if you want the Truth,,, you better be prepared,,,!!
Get your big Coat and gloves on too,, maybe a scarf,??
Definitely,, thick Socks,,, And prepare for the Truth,,,!!TRUTH,,,!!!
Oh wow,, this quote,, it,, it is just,,.
I want it,,,
Cocaine also helps too though,,,
You should never have to trick , negotiate , or plead your way back into a heart that wants you there.
yeah but you need the world to be changing (in your favor) instead of you changing the world for that to actualize ..
I highly recommend that you avoid dismissive avoidants.
They are people but yes they look a lot like narcissists
Amen
@@positivel5530 Even if they are not narcissists they sure do behave like they are. So does the difference in their motivations really matter from the perspective of those on the receiving end of their behavior?
Unless they have done the work
Probably seeking some traditions, is also good idea..to save the society in healthy ways, and yet be modern, but minimalistic.
and seeking people who seek traditions, being polite is also part of traditions.
This is a love letter from lady who is Opera or soprano singer and her hubby is also classical music conductor, he loves minimalism, at work,
minimal gestures with maximal benefit.
because too much noise is distracting.
He always uses polite language when talking to colleagues whether it face to face or online.
Because classy language actually helps you to protect yourself from some unwanted behavior...
He said in the 1950´s the conductors used to be harsh on colleagues (or the males), on musicians, in order to force discipline,
but today such attitude would not work out well, the collaegues would just ignore you as director or leader, or conductor, if you would talk to them harshly
so men in ceratin positinions have to act classy, and be polite, if its possible even today
...but they also have great sense of humor, the job isnt boring.
She doesn´t post much content on Instagram because as she said on facebook, people who know me, know that I dont like to brag about myself
I promised content but I don´t post much content.
but I like her attitude even though she is not posting much.
She wrote a nice love letter to their 9 years of relationship and wedding, two years ago.
The love can look like this, especially for those who still like traditions, it may inspire you in some way, for your love journey.
From instagram:
"9year since my amazing man traveled from Italy be with me in this Tinny Rainy country called The Netherlands. We have had some amazing times and some very rough seas but that’s what the best adventures are made from. Through it all we have always had the most important ingredient: Love! Love which keeps growing bigger and stronger with every passing moment.
2022 will remembered for the official knot we have finally tied in it and for the house we found. The 2023 marks the start of actually buying that house and making it our own! To new amazing adventures and another 40 years together at least! (Yes I will keep resetting that clock for as long as I can! )
I love you. I love every part of you, every thought and word...the entire complex, fascinating bundle of all the things you are. I want you with ten different kinds of need at once. I love all the seasons of you, the way you are now, the thought of how much more beautiful you'll be in the decades to come. I love you for being the answer to every question my heart could ask."
Year later she wrote: "year later and I love you even more."
he treats people with humility and polite attitude, and his pilosophy is
if someone is rude arrogrant, just ignore them
they will stop approaching you, he is also "romanticism" lover of 19 century, loves paintnings and music and yet he is masculine guy, looks masculine and she is very feminine.
I have zero interest in getting back together with that dismissive avoidant… I’m interested in healing my cptsd and the disorganized attachment that relationship brought out. The point is to not repeat relational mistakes in the future.
Same here
You got back with him.
@@obitouchiha5305 nope. I moved a thousand miles away 🤌🏼
Choose to love yourself, not chase relationships and expect someone to fix you ❤
@@dittehompoth1469I’m curious, is chemistry sexual attraction and compatibility emotional and logical?
@@dittehompoth1469chemistry in what way? I assumed chemistry was reciprocal. Typically, the anxious one is feeling chemistry that’s not there imo.
Yep, self love and self compassion is what everyone needs to learn. Then we can love other people.
@RedDeadReverie I used to try to fix my girlfriends, at the end of the day you feel drained
Ill keep repeating myself. I really appreciate this new, honest direction you're taking. Keep protecting people ❤ that's where the real reward is.
And if you’ve been walking on eggshells with an avoidant, your cortisol has been high through the relationship. I’ve been taking supplements to regulate my cortisol, meditating everyday and in therapy. It really helps get you out of the fight, flight, freeze cycle. Starting to come to realization my ex is terrible for me and I don’t need him.
Which supplements do you take??
@@sf808opalaman I found a cortisol stabilizer on Amazon. It’s really helped with my sleep too.
Cocaine,,, t,,t,that worked for m,,m,me cocaine
You did a great job!
Everything you said is true, I’m now on the third breakup with my dismissive avoidant ex. He has caused me a huge amount of trauma and pain. This is one of your best videos I think, you should definitely not want someone back who can put you through hell and back. Like you said pour your energy into yourself and when the time is right try and be in a relationship with someone more secure ❤
You deserve better... what helps me ( eventhough i dumped my ex) is watching motivational videos.. inspirational videos.. affirmations... good music.. working out and focusing on yourself and also eating and drinking healthy... eventually you will find yourself again and learn what never to tolerate ever again..
Fun fact and its could be a hard core truth. Try to understand urself why you chase unavailable people. Possibly you feel incomplete inside and not ready to accept the easy partners maybe coz its too easy and there is no spice to it. Or u push them away saying they not our type.But see around and observe the happy couples. Their love stories started in mundanity (no huge dramas). We the half ppl were chasing the drama and left the good ppl behind and took up a unnecessary task of trying to change someone who is emotionally immature.. why? Because we hvnt taken the accountability of ourselves been broken or living a half life. I have come a long way in this journey and spent half my life in limerence of so called avoidants or control freaks. But i have learned one thing.. you come alone in this world and die alone.. what happens in between in ur life is the only thing u can control. Meditation and breath work has helped me stay in current moment. Live every moment for today and for urself. No one else matters. And while u live that way if someone loves to join you and u feel they are truely withu in synergy.. is the right person for u. And they can come in any shape size and form (Even they can decide to leave one day by any means). After all our whole Life is an act of letting go.. including ur own soul at its end. Hence dont chase let life happen in the moment. And only when u live like this and welcome things that way and let go of things that want to go one will be truely happy inside to the soul level.
@@amitsalaskar1024thank you so much makes so much sense 👏🏽
It’s pure stoicism you are describing. Well done for yourself.
After so much struggles I now own a new house and my family is happy once again everything is finally falling into place!!
I'm 37 and have been looking for ways to be successful, please how??
She's a licensed broker in the states 🇺🇸
After I raised up to 325k trading with her I bought a new House and a car here in the states 🇺🇸🇺🇸 also paid for my son's surgery (Oscar). Glory to God.shalom.
God is more than enough for us, and his mercy is new every morning. Hallelujah🎉🎉🎉♥️
May God bless Ms Mary Theresa Gavin services,she have changed thousands of lives globally.
Finally a dating channel telling people the truth. Some of us needed to hear this and I for one am thankful that you made this video.
No wonder situationships are on the rise. Basically its all bad broken up relationship going back together.
I don’t want an explanation, I want compensation. You dumped me, you have to bribe your way back to me.
Lol wouldn’t that be nice
I’ve been watching these types of videos on no contact and avoidant attachment, not to get my ex back but to move on. I’m convinced she will never be back and I’ve made my peace with it. This video gives me a perspective that most likely we would break up again if we ever come back together, why go through that again?
Usually when women leave it’s because the man neglected her
@@ceyciemateo9411 I wouldn’t generalise that… in my case, that’s not what happened. Thanks for your comment though ✌️have a lovely day
@@carlosrochadk
You did something.
@@ceyciemateo9411A lot of y'all be on bullshit and lack the self awareness is see it
@@ceyciemateo9411 Have you been in enough relationships to understand all of the possible different situations that happen in the billions of relationships in the world? I'm pretty confident the answer is no. You don't know what his situation was. In my case, I also did the opposite of neglecting. I poured my heart out even when I was getting very little back because I thought things would improve. I was told that she didn't feel ready and couldn't reciprocate, that I deserved someone else who could. I was also told I was kinder than she deserved. Please don't act like you know everything, because you do not. Nobody does.
My ex and I broke up a couple of years ago. At that time I did not understand the dynamics of masculine to feminine polarity and was acting needy which drover her away. After the breakup I went ahead and lived my life to the fullest. I educated myself on being a better man and delved 100% into educating myself and being a better man. I got on point and focused on being better than I was the day before. A year after our separation she reached out to me. I refused her due to the fact that I was seeing someone else. Shortly later after I became single I returned her message. Shortly later we started doing things together and that led to formal dating. We became exclusive after a few months and now have been together over a year. Nothing is perfect, but we are definitely compatible and do love each other. But I also realize that since we have broken up once before the chance of it happening again is a very real possibility. And if that is the case, with the growth that I have experienced I know that I will be just fine.
Work with Stoicism. It will save you life xx
Awesome 👍. Yeah that's what it's all about I think, growing as a person.
Precisely!
Chris, you are one of most HONEST people out here! There are only a few others. I see why you're so respected. I use to vacillate between breaking NC and moving on. Thank you, Chris!
After 4 years apart, I grew, but he is the same.
Not sure where to go with this.
I realize it was lust, not love
Yep...mostly it is lust..
@@tanitshkatanjusha Difficult to decifer the difference between lust and love when your head is a mess.
Have you thought, that as a result that you Grew, That you might be too tall for him now,?
I did the Same my ex just stayed the same, but I grew, in the end I was at least 4ft taller than her,,!!
@@yeswing10
Lust is Just,,
well Anything Tasty,
And Anything pleasant to the eye,,
And anything to be Desired to make one Wise,, To know a thing, all Concerning Oneself,, Or For The Gain, Whether it be
a wealth, Or a Fleshly Satisfaction,,
Whilst Love is a giving of Oneself
With no Asking for return,
But in a faith That
The Love,, Shown,, of That giving Of Oneself, will Naturally Come through
As a result of Loving Another.
Even as they, have Also loved you.
True, Real Love,, is,,
SACRIFICE,,
after many years apart, he is worse ! all the things i'd left him over are now readily, glaringly apparent. glad i listened to my intuition despite how subtle it was back then. my god, it was hard !!
I wondered about this recently. My ex is severely avoidant. She broke up with me. Has no self awareness. Blame. No responsibility for any part of the relationship. Ignored and stonewalled me. I asked her if she wanted to go to couples therapy to which she said she didn't have anything to fix. And she said there shouldn't be ANY compromise in a relationship. Constantly interrupted when I tried to communicate. Even if she came back there is too much damage. There is no way to fix and salvage what is broken. I'm all in to fix things, myself included, and her. But I think it's an uphill battle.
If I had to describe my ex' features, it would be almost exactly the same... ! They never learn, you just love them the way they are and learn to get along with them, or dont let them back into your life and wish em well.
This sounds like my ex and at this point I'm just too exhausted and above all, I don't want to be with an immature man.
Being in a relationship like that would be like you're the parent, and she is the child. You are both living at a different level. It will not work. You deserve someone more at your level of self-awareness and accountability, but you have to be very discerning in the beginning of dating someone, much less committing to someone. And needing counseling sessions with someone even BEFORE marriage? 🤔 uh-uh. No way. It won't get better. Run! Quick and far!
@@npkrn6764 thank you for your feedback. Appreciate it
You can't fix other people
Chris this is the most important video you have ever made, and I strongly, strongly encourage you to include it in the introduction of your programme. I have actually bought your programme and I'm a psychologist myself, and it was immediately obvious to me that this element was missing, especially when you had done your research and were aware that the vast majority of your clients were anxious while their exes were avoidant. Without there being EQUAL measures of effort on the side of BOTH parties working on the behaviours arising from their attachment styles, they will either break up again or be stuck in a miserable dynamic. But most often break up. I'm not a believer in demonising avoidants, however they are certainly the less likely between an anxious and an avoidant to actually commit to working on themselves and their avoidant tendencies
Sorry just got around to seeing this. I think you are absolutely right. I definitely want to update the program whenever I have a handle on everything and I will absolutely include this video in it!
Man I really appreciate this video. She ghosted me three weeks ago after four months and I’m obsessed with getting her back. I’m not in any sort of state to make life decisions right now with my chemistry so out of whack.
Dude, Ive just passed through 6 months ofhell, stood in the ashes of my ruin and gazed upon my own death. Do nt do it. Which means nothing, I know. It has to evolve naturally, but when you start to becoome disappointed and start to give up, as in really give up, that is when the healing occurs and only then can you engage with dignity, self control and reason.
Til then brother, god speed on your journey through the valley of death.
@@exxcaliburs6002 I have no idea how I’ve managed to maintain no contact. She had an obsessed ex that would just show up, and I promised her I would never chase her. Now I see what was happening. She’d done the same to him. I catch myself trying to trick myself into reaching out. I’ve never felt this neurotic. Keeping away let’s me keep my last shred of dignity and every impulse I feel is to reach out. It’s absolute hell.
I wish you two were my ex talking. Every single fight, I was the one who had to call him to get him to finally talk to me again, and he absolutely refused to call me first. I'd chase him, blow up his phone and he'd throw me into horrific anxiety not answering me for days. It has been like an evil game. If I bring up anything at all, including him being "intimately selfish", he would rage on me and hang up, and then block me. He "left me hanging" every single time for the last year during intimacy. Only cared about his own pleasure and I did all the "work". It made me feel used, unappreciated, unattractive and taken for granted. I spoiled the shit out of him and never got it back. Only caught hell. I have worshipped the ground he walked on. Fell at his feet, smothered him with physical attention that he LOVED, and he just told me AGAIN that I need to get my shit together because I brought up things about our relationship and wanted to talk about them. He flippantly said he doesn't belong in a relationship and would like me in his life "to some degree" but knows I want "all or nothing" so it's my choice to leave HIM. I cannot believe how he spun it completely around on me. I said "you can't be serious, are you fn kidding me?" He ripped into me and blocked me. We are nearly 50 years old. I've made a complete fool of myself. Was ready to do something stupid 2 nights ago to myself. The anxiety won't stop. I wake with extreme nervousness in my stomach and still, I can't stop the obsessing over how he could be so cold. He was going thru a divorce, I did so much for him by being his soundboard daily, supporting him, fighting for him, and continually got gaslit, and stonewalled & punished. Right down to getting him sobered up as he was a drunken mess. All for nothing. He took me for granted and I was not allowed to bring anything up or suffer the consequences. He'd make it sound like I was a nagging girlfriend. Though he's done this before to me repeatedly and I went through torture, I am still here thinking, "I f'd it all up, i should've kept my mouth shut. It's MY FAULT." I have even lost my faith. I wish there was a place to go to make the pain stop. Minutes go by like hours.
I can relate. My ex broke up with me last week after being together for three months. He decided to go back to his ex a week after his ex reached out to him. Everything was good between us. We had no fights or arguments. I think that level security scared him, thinking that I was too good for him and he felt that he didn't deserve it. He had to run back to some familiar. I wish you well on your healing journey.
I think re-breakups happen because lessons were not learned. In my opinion, reconciliation must happen when mentalities of both the man and the woman are at the right place for a healthy relationship.
Reunion should not happen for selfish reasons. All these must be tested through a mediator e.g. therapist
The hamster wheel and roller coaster ride is not worth it. As he stated, invest in you, love you more and move on!
❓❓Do people try to get their old job back after getting fired?? NO, they focus on finding a new job! so why try to get your ex back after he Left you? Breakup industry is helping you get your OLD job back instead of giving you tools go get a better new job... My respect for this video ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐👏👏👏👏
I had a breakup with a fearful avoidant I really do love and they apologized to me for what they did and how they handled things. I thanked them but haven’t reached out since.
This is what happens when you advise people to break no contact after 30 days. Of course it opens the door to be dumped again. The 30 days rule is BS. Reaching out to an ex (dumper) is a mistake. They need to reach out saying something significant
I don't think too many out there advise to reach out after 30 days. Most people say 30 days is BS
@@PB-md3nt Yeah but Chris Seiter advises...just look at his no contact playlist. He is OK with people reaching out to their exes after 30 days by breaking no contact lol. So of course his clients will be dumped again...and their life will be a mess when they get back together. He is showing in this video that their clients are getting back with an ex in the wrong way
Selter mentions 90.
Chris does not advise this. And the NC itself does not increase the chances of STAYING TOGETHER with the reunited ex!!!
@@tanguerogo The issue is, and I can speak from experience, after NC the problem is that the dumper does not want to work on what THEY contributed to the breakup. So what ends up happening is that the same problems will resurface over and over and over as many makeup/breakup cycles there are.
I need more content about focusing on myself instead. I try to find it and it’s always about getting my ex back but I want to thrive, not dwell
I'm an anxious attachment after my break up I watched every video on UA-cam about avoidants and how to get my ex back. My ex has been bread crumbing me and still not sure if he wants me back. After a while I came to conclusion I don't care if he comes back or not. I blocked him, we are cool even though I don't want to be friends and I'm not dating but I am dating myself and my focus went from my ex to myself. I don't care what he does anymore I wish him the best and now my focus is me. Thank you for this video. I needed this video, now I feel more sure about my decision to finally close the chapter and rewrite the new one!
Watched it till the very last second. Probably the best break-up video I have ever seen. Changed my entire view on how I should behave post break-up... Thanks ALOT...
Not behave but who you become.
This is one of the best videos I've ever watched on UA-cam! Thank you for posting this.
The timing is impeccable - thank you
Amen! Right now I am more focused on myself than wanting him back.
This video was extremely helpful and very honest. There is a breakup industry and I’m glad you’re honest about your integrity and what your true goals and hopes for your clients are, which is being happy and secure - which means many times not going back to an ex. Appreciated this video a ton!
You know what Chris, if your honesty makes people mad, then that’s on them! I’d much rather you tell me the truth vs a lie to make money. Actually, you just gained even more respect from me!! Thank you for posting this!! Much love to you and your wife!!
Thank you for showing this. I’ve always took issue with influencers teaching people how to get their ex back instead of telling people to heal. You don’t want someone back that discarded you. You wouldn’t do that to them.
People who obsess over getting their ex back more than likely have an anxious attachment style. That’s what people should be focusing on. Ourselves and how to heal.
I'm not sure people even want their ex back anyway, it's about the security, familiarity and being with someone. People personify a relationship and miss the relationship and brain chemistry that comes with that, they just think it's about the person. Reactive attachment disorder should be where the work goes rather than an ex. Great video 😊 nice and honest
I like your comment. I think Ractive attachment happens a lot when you're with a BPD as well. At least my interpretation of it that is.
This is by far the most helpful video I have seen on this topic. Sometimes I need to be told things that I already know to be true.
Great post! I think the key problem in the "second breakup" is exactly as you said: many of the people who reunite with their exes make the same mistakes as they did the first time around. It's a second chance, a second honeymoon phase. That euphoria is difficult to resist, much less think clearly within. And if their exes are for the most part avoidants, this only increases the probability of a second breakup.
Instead of trying to "get you ex back" , use that time to learn about yourself and grow. Trying to "get your ex back" shows you need work on your self worth, self respect and self love. Find happiness within yourself. Your ex can't give you that nor can anyone else.. ..❤
This is excellent! Working on healing your wounds and becoming your best self only has benefits! I appreciate the direction that you're going with this.
Same, got him back lost him 6 months later just by reaching out after a couple months because I missed him. This time I am more physically, emotionally and mentally destroyed. I didn’t stumble on your stuff till now though.
The interview you had with Lee the ungettable woman was the BEST to be honest. She broke up with her ex the second time I believe because she knew she could do better and she was so much cooler than him 😂
Unfortunately my ex was extremely intelligent and has the accolades to prove it, I however am a university graduate but I’m not in the same category.
After we broke up it seemed his phantom ex became a previous ex 🤷🏻♀️
This is maybe the best video I have watched about breakups. My ex left me over 2 years ago and came back within 3 months. He wasn’t fully back in until a year ago. I’m FA but this has pushed me more into my anxious side. But throughout I have been working on myself. Working towards a secure attachment is the only thing that will make a difference to your life long term.
I just finished the book attached. If you want to take a new path. No bs. Listen to it and apply it. This video you did effectively confirms everything. Very well done.
Same with all the law of assumption people. It might work for some but I doubt it is the answer and works rarely. If my ex tried it on me it wouldn’t work because I am totally over him no matter what he thinks in his head!
If someone didn’t want to be with you move on and find better. ❤
Indeed, indeed, indeed. Everything you said, Chris. Changing my attachment style. No more dismissive avoidants. No more high levels of cortisol for extended periods.
Wow it’s like we all collectively went through the DA AP cycle together. One big messed up family.
Couldn't agree more- recently reunited with an ex and the magic was completely gone- the fun, the electricity, the sheer magic & excitement was totally absent.
And Life bought us both a brand new pair of luggage.
It's been a couple months and completely over her but I only have love & the best wishes for her.
One of the truest and best videos I’ve seen on this subject.
Best video on this topic, 100%. I've watched 100s of hours on UA-cam about getting back exes, working on yourself and attachment theory, even dozens of the awful "Get her back in 30 days" videos, and this one sums up most of what I learned. I don't want my ex back anymore. I've been working on myself a lot, and in the process I've realized that we just aren't compatible, and that's OK. My cortisol levels were running the show. It took 7 months of agony, thinking critically, talking to my friends, trying myself in new things and challenging my fears, and now I'm better than ever! If you're in a situation like he describes, you too can get to where I am now, where everything is better. I'll never see her again, and everything is better for it. Start your journey now, for YOU! Meditation helped get my mind calm enough to think straight. Working out got me confidence, like, IMMEDIATELY! I've gained a whole new perspective on life and what matters in it (hint: things only matter if you decide they do).
Once a cheater always a cheater .
I think it's fair to compare that percentage to that of fresh relationships. Most fresh relationships end within a year.
...yeah that's true. I was thinking that most relationships simply don't work longer term regardless of any situation. Probably way less than 1% of relationships actually work long term, maybe more like 0.01%.
Currently undergoing therapy and having daily yoga to try and control the stress. The avoidant person discarded me second time with no explanation. They didn't care or love me by the discarding action and passive aggressiveness. Just finding hard to let go but I hope that I will be fine in time and learn to be stronger again. Don't ever go back to your ex it never works the second time round.
Chris is right - the trajectory is that getting an ex back is more likely to prolong the pain and suffering you feel. I realise now that I need to heal myself and not get lured into this type of relationship again. 💔
That’s because most people don’t know what love is, they don’t see their ex for who they are, they still want the dream, love is sitting down with each other and setting intentions, commitment through thick and thin, for better or for worse in sickness and in health, you both have to be aware of that and commit to each other, move at each others speeds, you need to be sure that it is them who you want, even when they are at their most difficult, and them to you.
Sometimes things just don’t work out after one good or a couple tries. Occasionally things do regenerate in a solid and healthy direction.
If a reunion appears possible ask yourself and ask them, actually say something like, “What is different now that would lead to a much better outcome”?
Good luck to all.
Yeah...they broke up with you for a reason. But whatever that one reason was, or the straw that broke it for them, its only the tip of the iceberg. They're just not invested or feeling a bond. It sounds simple, and it really is. You only demean yourself "trying" anything to get them to feel something they don't. Walk away. Yes, it sucks, but in time, you'll only gain more pride and self confidence keeping your dignity.
Chris
Thank you so much for your candidness and being genuine.
Your info has helped me tremendously.
Speaking for myself, it’s not anxious attachment in me. It’s a partnership of 8 years that I placed my full trust in. Poof she ghosted.
She self admitted she has issues and knows she is a DA. I loved selfLESSLY and gave all despite it.
I’m mourning the loss , like a death.
Extremely brave of You to
Make this video . I can only gather Your conscious got the better of You , huge respect for Your honesty
I’ve already been dumped twice by my ex .
Now He has resorted to ghosting
Being aware that I’m anxious I’m working on myself .
Im reading and learning even more about attachment theory .
I never want to be with an Avoidant again or Any Man who isn’t sure if He wants Me
I can’t go through this again . He isn’t worth it and I’m worth more than His breadcrumbs . His Lack of Intimacy , Flakey self absorbed ,inconsiderate , disrespectful crap
ah yes Chris. meditation and shadow work are what's needed for the cortisol levels to shift down. I love this though. Yes, focus more on us healing anxious attachment. but maybe trick some of us with "ex back" hooks while slyly teaching us nervous system regulation. But thank you for always ..caring and being a good person.
It’s a great video, Chris! People need explanations about avoidance anyway - not to return avoidant partners back,but to receive some closure, to receive understanding. It can take years to heal otherwise without logical understanding what the hell happened…
I’m a living example of the avoidant cycle and I was to blame for me letting him back. Exact same thing happened months later. And again! And he was the one that broke up with me and reached out after only two to three weeks after he broke it off. lol. F’n crazy of me. Over it now but I look back at what I allowed. I’ve grown past that but it was insane of me to allow it. I forgive me for this.
People who want their ex back have attachment problems. So they will inevitably be in a toxic relationship dynamic again unless they heal or get lucky and get with a patient secure person.
I'm in an interesting spot. I broke up with my gf after 7 years. She is a dismissive avoidant. I told her I'm not happy, and the relationship is something that I cannot maintain due to my mental health decline. We both went to therapy. I've applied myself and she, after two months stated she had nothing to talk about. I had to break it up. FF since the breakup, she did the therapy part and wants me to see her tomorrow. I know that the chance of getting a relationship I want is slim but am I crazy for giving her the time, to talk?
"a relationship broke it and only a relationship can fix it"... please hear me loudly and clearly when I say you can do all of the internal work that you want, but it will be a landline blowing you back even further if you do not get the validation externally that you are worthy… Because we are broken from the external, we must also be fixed with the external
I noticed this myself being in an on and off relationship for two years. My ex would break up with me, around two months later I would be feeling happy/focusing on myself, and that's exactly when they would come crawling back. It's weird. Thankfully, I'm done taking them back.
This was really good, becoming aware so much of the wanting them back is a trick of our body and mind allows us to choose. Relationships with friends, Passion projects, self improvement, and especially regulating cortisol are the focus.
I’ve pretty much made up my mind. I don’t plan on going back as I stated in my comment on your last video. I’m done. What transpired for me is unforgivable.
Needed to hear this , thanks
This is a game changer for myself and you just told me what I knew but did not want to hear it. Reformed Fathom Ex girlfriend
I stumbled across this video. I never heard of you but I LOVE everything you said
Chris, The reason I watch you is for insight into what went wrong in my relationships, not to get an ex back. I am trying to be more securely attached and want to stop getting attracted to avoidants. Because of my anxious attachment style, I took my avoidant boyfriend back four times in five years--it was a painful mess that hurt my self-esteem more and more each time it ended. Please realize that your videos have value for people who aren't trying to get an ex back, and we don't see you as a used car salesperson! Life is too short to not be proud of your career. My avoidant ex boyfriend was the one who sold me a lemon over and over again, not you.
Love this video. Love your honesty. Love your authenticity. Chasing an avoidant or desiring to return to one is the opposite of the very core of who I envision myself to be.
The focus shouldn't be on helping them get their dud back but learning and moving on
Dude! You rock! Saying it like it is!
Your advice is INCREDIBLE and your integrity to genuinely help people is priceless. Forever grateful. Yes, I am taking your advice. Thank you.
"Invest HERE..." I'm so far along in my recovery but I still need to here this every once in a while. Thanks for this video.
Yes. Broken up with last August (Situationship, couldnt commit) I went NC not to get him back but to heal and possibly reignite a friendship, he came back about 45 days later and sparked up more flirting and wanted to see me again. We met up, had a great time, I asked where he stood on being exclusive with me, again he couldnt do it and let me go after ghosting me for almost 2 days after our weekend together. This time blocked him, I just dont want him to come around again.
The biggest question you need to ask before getting back with an ex:
Is this person my soulmate?
Is your intuition telling you that he is the one?
If your intuition n heart telling you he aint the one
N plus he feels the same as well
Then you're wasting your time
Your reunion will 100% will fail
I got back with my ex in January , the irony is, he made me feel like he was helping getting me through it, bypassing the fact he was the person who put me through it. In the end I helped him get over the actual reason that ended us, (he needed to do inner mental work) instead had a new reason to justify it (distance) . I am crushed, if I never got back together with him I would have likly been healed by now.
i know as soon as i can shut that emotional door, there is no going back.
This is the best video yet!! Well done Chris!! Agreed on everything above! You nailed it!!❤❤
i appreciate this honesty so much.
I did move forward and learn what a secure relationship looks like. I don’t know what he does, but I’m happy within myself now.
Can you make more videos to help us avoidents recognize our deactivation states and heal. I don't want to be this way but it's so subconscious sometimes.
When someone tells you it hurts them to be treated a certain way, and you keep doing it, that is abusive.
Watch out for when you're scared of losing your freedom opposite to getting closer and closer to someone you love
Thats a great effing idea!!
This is now one of my favorite channels for recovery and healing ❤️🩹💖from that💔 break up
Thank you for an honest video! Very unique!
Also, every 6th person acc to new studies, have manipulative personality disorder. And guess who us anxious often are addicted to? That type.
This truth has earned my subscription. I appreciate your approach
The over all truth is that if you choose to get someone back who hasn’t become secure eventually you’ll find yourself back in the cycle of doom.
Instead of living in that cycle take it as your chance to reinvent a more secure you. Even if you have to rewind to who you were before you knew your ex.
Consciously decide to visualize your ex with the knowledge of how they identified with. Were they anxious, fearful, or dismissive?
Now, recognize the next person you’re attracted to might have similar qualities that make you feel like you’ve known them forever. Be aware and be careful not to repeat the cycle of doom with the attachment personality style that you just left. Regardless if it’s with the same person or the new person.
Instead keep things extremely organized in your conscious mind. Yes it’s not sexy, yes it’s not exciting, yes it could make things feel lonely for the time being.
But would you rather keep those cortisone levels high over a long period of time and gain all that weight?
Or would you rather be self sufficient, secure, conscious confident, authentic, and with more secure friendships all around you?
Eventually you’ll find that what you used to be attracted to isn’t what you’re now attracted to. You’ll feel almost irritated by the types of people you were once attracted to.
You’ve done the introspective work on yourself, you’ve figured them out, and the mysteriousness of them is gone. You begin to see them live their life in cycles and thank goodness you don’t have to be stuck in the cycle with them.
Instead you find a secure person who you can be authentic with and that you don’t have to try to attract them into your life. They just want you the way you are. Authenticity thin because the cortisone levels are low now.
I am observing my wife with whom I still live together eating popcorn.
I’ve just separated from a 11 yr relationship 5 married with 5 kids. It’s a cycle we have split 4-5 times and I get the shit end of the stick every time. The thing is she will swear up and down she doesn’t want me back, sleep around for a few months, then wait till I’m in a better spot to try and get me back. She will try to destroy what ever relationship I’m in too. My dumb ass takes her back cause the kids but I still end up with nothing. I’m now crashing at my moms, no car, but I have a decent job. Take my advice and never go back, never.
I’m so here for this
My ex and I got back together. Ended again in 7 months.
We actually got back together 6x. Haha it always ends. Keep going back til you feel indifference. That works. He keeps coming back. Tried the last two weekends. Rejected! He's a DA, or covert narc idk but although I'm a slow learner I think I've got it now.
Chris you are so brave and sincere to have always highlighted the inconvenient truth. You initially said that there is a very likely chance your program will not work to get your ex back, and now that if we do it may still not work long term, so work on yourself. Your honesty is your strongest suit.
Extremely good information and advice.....thank you ❤
dude, I'm unknowingly going through this. Been hanging out with two of secured friends. Ex has only made an appearance but no effort to be anything more. She followed me on IG but realizing that it was conflicting with my mental recovery I swiftly removed her. Havent seen her since. And since then, took better approach on more self care and security within myself. As much as I miss her and loved her, I find it hard to see myself with her the way I am now, going back would literally feel like going backwards in my progress of things. Thanks Chris, wish I could shake your hand for your work.
BTW, its been over a year now. And for the first six months I was checking up on her socials, which made the healing process so much slower like you said. Six months later now. So much has changed.
Wow. This video hit hard. I started watching more of your recent ones and I needed them. Thank you for your novel and honest approach. This is stuff no other dating coach has offered. Please keep doing what you’re doing. It is helping some get their exes back and stay and you’re helping others move on.
This video speaks volumes on your integrity and true desire to help people❤
Spoke with the ex after 6 months two days ago. I am not sure where I stand. I love her as a human , sure, but I dont want to experience the hellish mind fuck of what happened and the dark noight of the soul ever again. I Knew nothing of attachment. Now I could write a book. Ive absorded 1000s of hours. So we'll see. She can have her space as a textbook avoidant because Im wary af. I am also used to her absence. If she comes back, she can drive it, if not, so be it.
There will be caveats aplenty. Ive dated the most beautiful women in my life since she left. I look right through them but the point is, I surived. Thus, she has less power over me.
I don't see an issue.
Here's my perspective:
After a break-up, people change. I know I have, many have. Maybe not everyone but many have.
If you change and aren't the same person you used to be then it's almost like dating someone new, except that it isn't. Maybe they still have negatives. The same or new.
You can blame it on Ex's break up 70% in the year.
But let's also look at another statistic. I don't have numbers but I bet I speak for everyone that we've all broken up at some point or another.
A relationship isn't usually going to be the first partner or even your next might last.
Where am I going with this?
It's likely that whether your partner is an ex or a new person, they're bound to have negatives and you're also very likely to break-up, statistically accurate. That doesn't mean it will.
Chances of breaking up have always been high, I doubt this is based if whether it is an ex or some new guy. If you want your ex, I'd suggest trying. If not, have fun hunting partner.
Best video you I have seen. Thanks. Been a mess until this one
I realize it is timing too.
But you just helped me tremendously with this one
This is great advice. I think it could be additionally helpful to directly mention the concept of “relationship to self, which is indirectly mentioned in the last minute or so of the video. This is a really important concept which might deserve its own video.
Hey! I'm the one honest used car dealer! I'll tell you how bad this car is so I can sell you another one, which is the exact same model painted a different color. He uses the right analogy because he is using an old used car salesman trick. Makes you think he's the one honest one