My attachment style is naturally secure but when I was dating an avoidant, I became anxious because of his self sabotaging behaviors. He would walk out and pursue exes and look for other people to flirt with and validate him, and it caused me anxiety. I was even the one in therapy at the time and my therapist told me that my reaction to that behavior was normal. Now , in a relationship with somebody who also has a secure attachment style , we haven't had any of these issues.
I'm sorry....I know your pain....I went through the same....have had to go no contact.....he's tried reaching out, is difficult when u work together but he has been on leave for a few months.... I'm very happy that u have found happiness with someone secure..... I wish u all the best...🙏
Same experience. I am secure but partners with avoidant person style can turn you into anxiety style.. due to their flirts, seeking the one...whike you are in front of their face...always seeking attention from others...and then move on after a while
@@juliaskagfjord6207 Do you think what he said was true about you? Pushing other away, flirting with others or cheating? I am not saying this to judge you but this is confusing subject and because it sounds narcissistic behavior.
Further, I've decided that all avoidants should have to get an identifying badge, or maybe something more permanent like a forehead tattoo. But yeah . . . don't count on them ever wanting to heal, and even if they say they want to don't count on them actually doing anything to become more securely attached.
@@deannarobinson4065we also avoid our pasts. We box up our trauma, pretend like it was nothing and had no effect on our lives and move on. It's a coping and survival mechanism.
To all avoidants out there: healing is possible. You deserve it and if you commit to yourself, you will reach the peace and self love you should have gotten from the start. Take care y'all!
It seems you are the only one who little bit understands that everything has some background also another thing is that negative emotions are according to scientists very addictive to the brain. This means you are looking for negative content without even realizing it because it's mostly subconscious.
@@alaalfa8839 everybody's brain is looking for comfort zones. An avoidant's comfort zone (or that of an anxious) are to be safe when they're not. Only once we all realize the toxicity of what we consider secure can we then move in the right direction: self-care, self love. After that life will never ever be the same because our acquaintances and partners will reflect the changes in ourselves. I pray we all become secure down the road. It's the greatest gift we can offer ourselves.
@@hormetichealth4102 hello! I think there are many ways to get you there. You can keep a journal and observe how you've felt and try to figure out why it made you feel like that. You can draw, meditate. Anything that requires presence in your body to send the message that you are physically present for yourself and ready to face the best and worst sides of you. It's a challenge, but if you commit to yourself, in the end you'll be ready to commit in life and not just in your love life but professionally too. It always starts with you.
@@hormetichealth4102Talk therapy is actually not that good for traumatized people. EMDR is a good way to detangle trigger and trauma-reaction. Inviting Jesus (the impersonification of LOVE) into your heart would be the icing on the cake. He healed me from very unhealthy behavioral patterns.
DA here. As a DA, I was uncomfortable in my own skin. I wanted a fulfilling, emotional life. When I discovered the attachment styles, I understood the worst tendencies I needed to act against changing my behavior. I am now healing and in a stable relationship. DA does not define who I am.
Can ya have a word to my avoident please?? Lololol. It would be nice that DA would recognise like you did. But I guess the key words are right there in front of my face. Dismissive Avoident. Says it all hey. It's really nice you are doing the healing and you now have a lovely relationship. I always knew miracles happened and unicorns exist. You've proven it. Thankyou. ❤
@@melindanaumovic8124 I understand the dismay DAs can bring to a relationship. I have done that. That said, so can the other insecure attachment styles. What I found helpful to me is clear communication of the partner's wants, such as chores, time together, etc. Those with insecure attachment styles are *not defined by them*. These are traits and tendencies, not all of which apply, e.g., I seek help. An anxious preoccupied (AP) may not be a people-pleaser. The styles are context and situation-sensitive. DAs are subject to "vilification" because of their aloofness and limited emotional bandwidth. This does not help anybody.
It’s very simple. Avoidants admired a toxic parent and was hurt and disappointed over a long time. When they get into a relationship, they think “ I dont know how to be healthy and its going to end with me feeling abandoned anyways. May as well hurt them first so they don’t come back. If they come back… maybe its real. But if its real, I dont know how to handle it. It will go south and i’ll get hurt no matter what i do.”
Yeap. And when the person goes away like I did, "I saw it coming" 🤷♂️. I tried giving space, putting pressure on, talking with rationality, with emotions, offered couples therapy, offered even more space. Only got disrespected, nitpicked in my little mistakes, my efforts demeaned even after I literally protected her from her mom's aggression. Not dismissing my mistakes and behaviors that caused triggers on her, but even after I admitted those behaviors and showed the will to change, nothing helped. 🤷♂️ Result: got discarded like I never meant anything and she still kept trying to keep my validation through asking me what I thought of couples who broke up but kept having sex after (with clear int3ntions to do that with me).
What has helped me break out of this cycle is making yourself AVAILABLE. Super uncomfortable for me but once you get out of your skin and norms you start to come out. You have to be very consistent and understand if you relapse, be self aware and break out of that cycle. Always reassure yourself.
Question for advice then from your personal perspective... how do you suggest I, as the secure partner, begin to respond to the avoidant's behavior in order to change the cycle? In order to demonstrate that, if he's willing, I am for real, but at the same time, a real person with my own relational needs and boundaries? IOW, what action steps could I do that would actually help make a difference and turn the tables.
We come back when we feel safe again. It's hard to describe but if to much it feels suffocating and need that space. But when space is given plus a little time we feel safe again hence the return of the dog..
Yeah, that type of behaviour triggers intermittent reinforcement, it creates an addiction in the mind of the partner, like playing the slot machine. Even though it’s not done intentionally on the part of the DA, this type of behaviour is emotionally unhealthy and the person on the receiving end needs to break the cycle. It’s the DAs job to figure themselves out and heal their core wounds
I have healed as an avoidant. Here is what works to help us feel safe and fall in love: Patience. Consistency. Reminders that you want a healthy relationship, which means holding strong during our weak moments. When we push, give us space. Let us come to you. When we do come to you, we will test the waters to see if you still care. Don’t get angry or super emotional. Someone with excellent boundaries and communication is admirable. We don’t want someone who can be controlled (avoidants who are tired of puppets anyway). We want someone who is very intelligent, emotionally regulated, attached in a healthy manner and able to detach when its intense. Basically, everything we suck at. We arent easy to love, but we still can be loved and show love. Its hard for us because our own parent played this stupid game with us for years.
Why should we go through all this trouble to be with an avoidant when we can skip the suffering and be with a securely attached person?? Jumping through all these hoops so I can be in the good graces of some truly broken soul? I have better things to do with my life, as do others, I am sure.
No ma'am. That's not how it works. You will be alone. Avoidants aren't able to compromise on the needs of others so why do Avoidants expect so much understanding? In this life, you get what you give. No one should have to tiptoe around your triggers, you need to do the work to fix it. Avoidants should be avoided at all costs until they take accountability because you guys are selfish
Thais Gibson of the Personal Development School maintains that insecure attachment can be changed by changing one's relationship to self. She says that you likely allow others to treat you similarly to how you treat yourself. Change one and you change the other.
She's a great one. Adam Lane Smith teaches about the brain chemistry development in childhood that leads to attachment issues and how changes in brain chemistry that can result in healthy, secure attachment, i.e., increased oxytocin, vasopressin, can be achieved. As an avoidant, this was a huge lightbulb moment for me. Both of these folks have helped me tremendously.
I gave my ex a lot of space. With every stressful event he needed it. However, even with giving space, he did view my affection sometimes as suffocating as well. The rare part is he did eventually became emotional vulnerable with me and talked about all his deepest fears. That also gave him stress and need for space as well. He broke up with me because he couldn't relax around me and that must mean he never really loved me. He did try to reach out but I told him we wouldn't talk, he needs to have a lot of therapy first. I told him brutally honest something is wrong with him mentally. It killed him he hurt me, he was actually very open about that. But I knew I needed to cut him off for my own wellbeing as well. I hope he is doing well and I am the wake up call he needs. There actually was so much love between us. Sad it had to go this way.
Same, girl, same. Went through a similar situation. I felt I had to break up for my own good even though I didn't want to. I gave him my feedback on him being FA and needing to love himself hoping he can have healthier relationships in the future
I look back and can remember how early in dating if I wld hug him and be just affectionate, he wld say “Don’t get to attached” it wld hurt my feelings and I wld hang on until he wanted to officially date arnd the yr mark, so we dated for 5yrs and he asked me to marry him, I knew I wasn’t sure abt us, and he ended up discarding me right after I lost my sweet mother. My heart was in pieces! It’s been 2yrs and now he wants me back. I’m better without him. 🙏❤️
how long were you together? Im wondering when mine is going to run, its been a year and no signs yet, but then apparently they also dont show signs it just happens is what I read 😞
Oh yeah. My DA would get SO crappy with me during those times... telling me to "choose my words wisely" and "Do NOT push me" because they were "ok with being alone." Effing brutal.
I was in love with an avoidant for many years. It was an ultimately exhausting experience. As a highly sensitive person / empath I was able to feel the huge difference between his "core" (emotions) and his behaviour. He never acted according to his emotions. Instead, he was driven by his huge protection mechanisms. I used the experiences with this man as an opportunity to examine my own patterns regarding relationships and for healing some childhood stuff. And now I'm finally open and ready for a man, that can provide me what I truly need and want. I think many people are some kind of avoidant and there are different reasons for it that can be overcome if someone really wants it and does the required work. Some are willing to do it, but some not. And every person who falls in love with an avoidant has to decide for him-/ herself, if and for how long the own needs can be placed aside - hoping for changes in the avoidant. I would definitely never do it again...
@@hotpink3459 Yes, it is sad for them. But this experience shows us so much about our own attachment style. It is a huge opportunity for deep emotional healing. At least, it was so for me. 🙂
Wow! It sure would be nice to hear a woman say "I'm finally open and ready for a man, that I can provide what he truly needs and wants" instead of "that can provide me what I truly need and want." Men never hear that from a woman. It's always about what "he provides" or "she wants". That's one reason avoidants are avoidants. I.E., his feelings don't matter.
I was so confused when he dumped me out of the blue. I was so sad and hurt. Now I almost feel sorry for him. He’d rather sit alone in his miserable loneliness than deal with himself. I wish him luck. But at 46 I see a lonely future for him 😢
Avoidant here 👋🏾 You call it miserable loneliness, I call it peace in my head.... 🤷🏾♀️ It's not because we're alone that we are lonely. Big difference 😉
It’s normal to need space - all of us need time to ourselves, some more than others. The issue isn’t needing space. The biggest issue is whether you use space as a maladaptive coping strategy instead of allowing connection. If you do, it was a coping skill you learned younger to feel safe. You CAN learn how to change using this strategy.
I'm fairly certain my ex has avoidant among other things and certainly always searching for the next relationship, despite saying that they're scared of relationships
@@bn5422 Allways friends with exes and many lady friends. Flirting. They have a harem. On datingapps even when in a 'relationship'. They dont want relationships but they do starve when there is no attention. 😂😂😂 That is why they leave. Not interested when it gets boring in their opinion. Meaning the mask falling off and they need to work.
@bn5422 Yup , you can take a secure partner , put them with a DA and they'll become anxious. Because of the intermittent reinforcement, the DA always has one foot in the relationship, and one foot out .....Their partner can feel that ever so present , and that "insecure" attachment to them , causes a normally "secure" person , to be anxious, it triggers fight or flight emotions, and really can trigger CPTSD when the nervous system is constantly going haywire. Its so awful.....I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I'm trying to be a witness to that very process in someone I care about deeply. It's hard taking ten steps back and having to watch from afar, but this situation has also forced me to look within and let go of my anxious attachment. Every day we're apart and I remember that it's for the greater good, I feel more and more secure.
Hi Chris, I'd like to add part of my experience, here. I've been in a relationship with an avoidant for seven months, and I'm rather an anxiously attached partner. However, we both learn from the other, give space, care for oneself, be more trusting, understand our different needs, and it's great to see how we can make things work. Hopefully, not all anxious/avoidant relationships are doomed.
Thanks chrisqueen3809 for your comment.......I just started to date a avoidant it's very new to me and I guess I have a little bit of anxious and secure emotions.....one time I 8:55 8:55 thought he ghosted me....he says he willing to learn new things and lifestyles........just one he did seem he was turning back like a teen....but I just remain calm....and didn't escalate the situation....I really care for him and I am going to do my part to help him as much as I can.....so we can move forward in our friendship and commitment to one another.........take care .......🌺
I am starting to realize how loving and open to love I have always been as an anxious attachment, and now I am starting to see that while I may open the heart temporarily of the Avoidants in my life, it ultimately will never be a man that co create with me and raise a family. I need reliable and secure relationships in my life and I deserve it as I become more secure, walking away from Advoidants with love still in my heart. I have no ill will towards the avoidant men who came into my life briefly, including my father who was the first avoidant in my life. ❤
We are looking for ourselves. We connect with others in passing. The problem is we were conditioned to believe love is found externally. It's found first for self, and the energy of love is SHARED. Not given or sought after. That's life's secret.
I love this! My father as well was my first avoidant. Am learning a lot from these sordid, damaging yet consciously rewarding challenging relationships with broken men. Am moving past it. Wishing you lots of love on your healing journey ❤🙏🏾
As a woman avoidant I need to point out that we feel that our emotions are a burden to others and by self regulating, we our not bothering you with our problems essentially. It's a way of expressing love, ie not burdening you.
The problem is the real burden you place on others is the misconception your emotions are a burden. If you can trust enough to let the right person in who wants to support you while you heal you will learn what all disordered people who heal do; loving another means sharing your burdens. Withdrawing is not a way of expressing love. That is a lie the inner critic of the avoidant tells them.
I actually told my FA ex that its a privilege to be able to be the person to share her problems. When someone loves you, you should always share your pain, fears, worries. When you share it, your pain decreases and LOVE INCREASES. If you can't learn to accept this concept, you will always be stuck in your avoidance. You have to remember, ALL your coping mechanism are often in opposite to what builds true healthy intimate relationships, they're extremely maladaptive and harm both YOU and YOUR partner. Heal up because there's alot of love to be received. I can still say i love my ex, but i'll not put myself through her emotional abuse again.
We build walls to protect ourselves. The costs are high. The higher the wall, the higher the cost, really. I for one am genuinely tired of being alone in my desert, all nice and safe.
I met someone who told me I’m wife material and I seem invulnerable….. then he turns out to be the one who isn’t vulnerable, goes silent when I say thank you or that I appreciate him, last time we spoke he said he will come to take me to the gym (despite him having to change his route)….. then he stopped reading my messages. I know he’s afraid of being vulnerable but will ever accept that I mean no harm? I love everything else about him and do see him as my husband but I’m not chasing anyone….. oh he was married before.
As someone who has an anxious attachment style, I absolutely HATE that I always attract partners who have an avoidant attachment style. I don't think I can heal in that kind of relationship.
I'm in a similar boat. I think they are initially attracted to the warmth of someone with an anxious style. I've also had at least one secure partner. The difference is night and day. Almost no drama with a secure, and feel respected and safe in the relationship. Anxieties melt away when you're not with someone who is regularly trying to sabatoge the relationship.
As an avoidant married to another avoidant for 22 years, this has been so informative for me! We've overcome a lot over the years, and I've determined that we are both secure-avoidant at this point. Somehow it has worked for us, but it has been a learning process on how to avoid suffocating or overwhelming one another. I will continue to watch your content with the hopes of getting my husband to be less resistant to opening up!! Thank you ❤
A time management style person may be much less avoidant with his independent hobbies, and make time for everything. But a time management person also can not be too obsessed with time, because time is partially an illusion when it comes to Quantum physics.... but use intuition to enjoy hobbies and partnerships as long as possible....especially removing bad habits., like watching too much tv etc.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to move on, I really loved her so much i can’t stop thinking about her and the memories we shared. I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail. I’m frustrated, and i don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts, but i can’t. I don’t know why I’m saying this here, but i really miss her and i wish i could get her back.
I have been in such a situation. My relationship ended about three years ago, but i could not let her go. So i had to do all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual adviser who helped me bring her back. We are back together, and i must say i am enjoying every moment.
if you know it you can work on it, whenever you deactivate remind yourself that it´s not the other person but your programming and communicate with your partner about it
If you open up to a person who really tries to get to know you, I guarantee you will feel a deeper connection that can open up doors to the possibility of experiencing real love that you crave. It’s safe to do so and fun, if you just remember to live life moment to moment and all things are temporary in this life anyways. So live, laugh and love 😊
Yes. You want to be loved and this is the 50% of the work to be done (from the other person). Then, you have to be willing to love and give parts of yourself TO the other person. That's the other 50%.
They just suck. Period. The reason they push love away is cuz of FOMO on a better option. Selfish AF. They also can’t let go of hurt feelings from previous relationships so they take it out on everyone else. Thanks for the video
Jesus! Thanks a lot! You don't know what WE go through. You just know your own experience, and maybe you have been with someone inherently selfish, but it isn't the case for all, probably not even most Dismissive Avoidants! So funny how Anxious and Secure Styles always chase us and get obsessed with us, and then complain we're bad people... Lol 🤦
They have to give up competition and comparison...because competition and comparison separate people from each other at work, but probably in relationships too. but they should have the intention to bring the best out of each other, let the other person have hobbies and independent ideas, let the person grow on their own, and enjoy the fruits of a relationship.
If they would support each other's independence... they would realize they dont lose independence. Actually, they become closer and love becomes existing and sweeter, with little touch and little gestures, so they may be excited to meet next time. When you dont use me versus them mentality, then you realize that relationships are mutually defined, both mutually support each other's needs with empathy. Me versus them mentality shouldn't be used at work or in any other relationships.
Once we were having a conversation about him ocd as a child, he still has it and I jokingly told him he needs therapy….. he disappeared for a while lol. Now he blatantly stopped reading my messages after saying he’ll do something for me. Clearly he won’t like advice on him going to therapy , there’s no telling when he’ll wake up to this true love, he practices stoicism sometimes as well 😢
Have a disorganised one very little routine orientatated, liked intimacy but doesn’t talk about emotions deals with them internally & deactivates. Thanks for the insightful video as always.
I think it’s important to understand that attachment styles are NOT fixed and that they are kind of fluid. As a more avoidant leaning person I’ve noticed that I could be incredibly anxious in one relationship and avoidant in another. The anxious leaning side came out more when I tried to engage in a relationship after I’ve processed my grief about the prior relationship whereas I was definitely more avoidant when I didn’t give myself the time and space to heal from a prior relationship. The avoidant side seems to get triggered by feeling like having skeletons in the closet (unprocessed grief) and being exposed. Avoidance is caused by repressed and unprocessed (subconscious) feelings of shame which can get triggered by the „overbearing“ or connection seeking behaviour of an anxious attacher. My anxious side on the other hand would come out when I would notice someone (seemingly) hide something or when I noticed them getting uncomfortable around subjects that would require a certain level of openness and intimacy. Either way, I think BOTH or all of the insecure attachment styles tend to be rooted in survival responses (fight -> anxious, flight -> avoidant, fawn -> fearful avoidant) that most people aren’t really aware of because it’s how they’ve been living their lives for probably the entirety of their lives due to underlying trauma. I think the solution lies in going back to childhood with a skilled therapist and taking a look at traumatic childhood experiences that caused the wounding resulting in each persons core beliefs about themselves and the world at large.
Some couples understand each other without talking. Silence and silent gestures are speaking from the heart. :) Good couples bring the best out of each other with their individual hobbies, ideas.
My DA-ex always says that her biggest dream is to feel real love and have a family. She is absolutely unaware that it is herself/her attachment style, that will always prevent her from having that. As a FA myself, I am impressed how well you understand and explain the psychological mechanisms behind the avoidants behaviour which took me years of therapy and self-reflection to understand. Great job, Sir! Thanks for your work!
They just have to reach a point , where they realize they're the problem, they take full accountability, and seek to do whatever it takes to heal. Communication to the best of their abilities is important if attachments are already in place.
As a person using avoidant relating to a person using anxious style, I fully agree that I have to take responsibility for my behaviors and lacks, but I don't agree that 'I am the problem'. It's the dynamic that is causing wounds to be activated, on both sides. It's easy to view anxious as being a victim of the avoidant where in reality, both of them are victims of what they grew up to believe regarding love, and one is over-depending on others to regulate emotions while the other is under-depending on others. Both of them would benefit from moving to a healthier balance.
@magalihchldr8262 You're absolutely right✅️ In my particular case I was open to communication & hashing out our differences - slowly arriving at some sort of compromise. She wanted to simply ghost , stonewall , & seemingly run away. Then months later I felt intuitively because I hadn't approached her on my hands & knees to beg for forgiveness ( mostly for her issue's, & a few of mine ) she punished me by triangulating. She started a new "relationship" with someone who was just supposed to be a friend. It seemed everything had to be on her terms , it was always me chasing or apologizing. The problem there is I am very stubborn & avoidant at times too. This felt like too much compromise with no reciprocation. I apologized for my miniscule parts at least 3 time's, she never offered one apology. To the best of my knowledge I believe she had BPD as well. I felt in order to try and salvage anything I had to compromise all my pride and integrity, while getting nothing coming back my way. When she started a new "relationship" I went no contact. That was too abusive & dismissive.
I like this video. I feel more safe, understood and helped with this video. It’s so typical to run into the mobs with metaphorical pitchforks that hate avoidants.
The damage avoidants do to their partners is real. But i can tell you, i both hate and love my FA ex. And i've never been able to say this until i was in a rs with an avoidant. Its a funny thing, if you told me harbouring both emotions towards a single person was possible before that, i wouldn't be able to imagine it. I still love her, but unfortunately wouldn't put myself in a relationship where i give give give, and had nothing in return emotionally. I will in my heart always wish her the best and that hope she finds the courage to face her fears and heal someday, but it will not be on my watch. Accepting the treatment avoidants give is straight up emotional abuse and no self respecting person will deal with that long term.
Thank you, that's a very valuable video ! It confirms what i had figured out by myself through my relationships... it's a whole balance thing... friends, family, work colleagues, club members, etc. are what creates a bigger feeling of belonging and grounding... the romantic connexion being more like the cherry on top...
Wow! Right on time! I am so grateful about the how to heal explanation! Understanding that the attachment styles are formed in relationships and can only be healed in relationships is critical. I was a dismissive attachment but my husband was able to heal me. It was a hard process but it is not impossible. When I was able to stay in the relationship long enough, I finally felt like some gigantic stone fell from my shoulders. There was my first day of the beginning to be my true self: still strong but vulnerable, authentic.
This is SO accurate, I have an avoidant partner , we dont live together, and the routine you mention is so on point. I interrupted his Saturday morning routine about a week ago and boy did that affect him in such a big way, lets just say we did not have a good weekend after that . On a positive note, I have become part of his routine now after a year of dating, which means I get a dedicated days and time to spend with him, and for anyone whos in an relationship with an avoidant, you will know getting dedicated time with them is rare. As long as I leave his Saturdays and Sunday evenings open, for him to do his routines, he is happy to give me my time, this is what I discovered.
I think deep down avoidants want independence more than intimacy. It's best to just leave these people alone, unless they are actively doing the inner work to heal.
They expect people to hurt them so much that they push away everyone--even the kind, loving people. And you can't "prove" to them you're safe because their fear and insecurity only allows them to see you as a demon until you're fed up with it and gone.
@carlotta4th That's so true. And it hurts when you're trying your best to be kind and understanding of them, but they can't see it and push you away or do another sabatoging behavior.
I LOVE your videos. I binge watch them and I have learned a lot from you. I would also love these type of in-depth videos for anxious attachments - please!! 🙏🏽
Thanks for sharing all of this knowledge with us, even though I am struggling with a female avoidant, this helps me understand why she did what she did and alsof helps me better understand why she does all of these things.
Entering into a relationship with an avoidant helped me introspect and make the changes that I need to. I lean secure now but still have some anxious tendencies. I don’t display them to others and I am able to regulate myself. I wish the changes I made on myself would have allowed an actual real relationship, but I know what is right for me will show up for me when the time is right
Whatever you do, don't date an avoidant person! They have to be seeing a therapist, not you! Unless they cross over to the secure style with hard work, you are wasting your time and energy. I've dated at least 3 confirmed ones. I KNOW. Let me be your cautionary tale.
Often times you guys aren't dealing just with an avoidant. He/she probably is a narcissist/borderliner and can't deal with communication that is confronting them with their avoidant and defensive behavior. Usually they take it personal and let it out by giving you silent treatment or ghosting you. You can get ghosted within a relationship of years. These individuals that do such things are not just cowards. They are emotional abusers and should be held accountable. Sadly we the victims of such unstable people- take it to our hearts. If you confront anyone with their avoidant behavior or worse- and they don't seek therapy.. then you will be left someday or they will cause you pain for years. To me that's emotional abuse and such people should be confronted and given no chances unless they take care of their toxic dismissive behavior.
Lol it’s also a defence mechanism picked up during extreme scapegoating childhood trauma experiences. I can’t get close to people. Never have been able to I knew something was wrong with me but I didn’t know how much. Everyone else drank everyone else deactivated but I realized I hang out with other scapegoats. We have dissociative amnesia probably not sure that we are deactivating it’s that bad. Only a narc would choose to be with someone like me lol. So you getting mad at me not seeing it the way you do is not my fault or problem. Sorry I don’t know how to love or receive love or give love. Now that I know k keep myself off the dating market. But pretty sure I usually state my boundaries ahead of time. It’s because of the abuse we dipped into soul consciousness . That’s the energy that everyone gets hooked on. And it’s a no energy. No thing. We don’t have egos and don’t have a sense of identity becauee the parents never let one form. I never had a thing or person to hold on to. There’s nothing there for you to be sad about other than that sad feeling is yours and you got it from your parents. We have no feelings had to abandon feelings a long time ago. I mean I had pent up energy from the parents that caused me to drinking. But now that it’s gone. I am no thing. I can’t change that anymore.
Narcissists can have any attachment style, just saying. Assuming an avoidant is a narc is just silly. Your avoidant might have been one! But that doesn’t make it a rule.
@@rachel4339 i dont assume....I say that most that treat u a certain way aren't "just" avoidants in many cases...but people love to downplay such behavior as you just did. And Narcissists have specific traits- so you're wrong- they avoid you to control you etc...but anyways u the expert 😆
@@GurpreetBrar-ht5cs a defense mechanism that narcissists and borderliners and other mentally disordered people use. So do not downplay people that use avoidance...usually it's way more than just an attachment style.
@@jchula I didn’t downplay any behaviors. There are two very different types of narcissists who have different traits and presentations… grandiose are often avoidant, while fragile are often anxious. It’s an easy google search 😅 but go ahead and assume all narcs are the same if it makes you feel safer. It used to make me feel safer. My first narc *never* gave me the time of day. So when I met my second narc who *never* left me alone, I thought for sure they couldn’t be a narc, because narcs are neglectful, right?? Wrong. Convinced me to stay twice as long as the first one because of it, and accept twice as much abuse. Plus, the first one didn’t allow us to be intertwined, so leaving was far easier. The second one however…
I am so extremely anxious. Tried with the avoidant, and for gods' sake, what a nightmare. Splitting apart was the only way to find peace and get my self confidence back. The problem is we can work out to improve the style, but I could not become highly secure, just mildly secure with eventual setbacks. I am not worried at all. Being able to stay away from the avoidant, is good enough for me.
I am seeing a guy ( we are older now me 60s him 70s) - he wasnt into the relationship thing at the beginning but i continued seeing him for various reasons we have fun together and he's kind to me. I have noticed he has been less vocal about the relationship thing and i think he is more secure and confortable with me. we communicate a lot (key value) never enough communication. keep things open and honest. thats what being an adult is all about. nice video
practice makes perfect; doing will give you more confidence. find someone you really dig and go for it. just steady and take it easy dont rush into things or get stressed out. stay calm and be happy with you.
My deep desire for my children to feel loved and supported has helped me to break through my avoidant behavior. It wasn't until they were teenagers when I started to feel myself withdrawal, once I saw how much it hurt them I dove into research to learn how to change it. It was very scary for me at first, but I was able to push past those scary feelings to be there for my kids when they need me. It's gotten easier with friends too.
I can honestly say that every time I see a video on avoidant attachment, I truly think this was my ex. The only sad thing is, had I known, I would've known how to love him better. I had to get to the point where I'd attempt to disregard all my emotions in the hopes of not getting emotionally destroyed but I did because I truly loved this man. Given, I was battling my own abandonment issues and I probably wouldn't be surprised if I had an anxious attachment issue but luckily I've been putting in the work to change. Last I saw him, he did act differently but he still was incapable of opening up. I just said, "I'll make this brief if you ever want to talk, I do genuinely care about you." And he just said, "I know". I wish I could've helped him even if it was never for the relationship but for his own happiness. I know I'll always love that man but I truly want him to be happy even if it's not with me.
the disgust is spot on. something about earnest vulnerability in romantic contexts often makes me feel repulsed like my stomach turns and I need to get out of the situation/location asap. it's so weird and sudden for me and I know hurtful to others. i need patience but more than i think is reasonable to ask from most people
I notice a lot of these traits in myself. in how i acted at the end of my first relationship. its hard to tell because when it ends i act so anxious. so ive had trouble identifying what i actually am. I do find myself pushing people away though. saying i want more friends or a new relationship and yet doing nothing to foster new ones or even putting walls up between new opportunities and i.
Good info, but I have to push back on the idea that those that aren’t avoidant go to others for emotional regulation. Being vulnerable with others isn’t obtaining outward emotional regulation, it’s creating intimacy.
I just got out of a relationship a couple months ago because my bf broke up w me and I wish I knew he was an Avoidant because your videos describe him PERFECTLY!! EVEN TO THE POINT THAT NOW HE IS BACK WITH HIS EX!!! AND HE BLOCKED ME FROM ALL SOCIAL MEDIA AND HIS PHONE!!! ITS INSANE BUT WAS THE WORST RELATIONSHIP I WAS EVER IN!!! THE SEX WAS THE ONLY DECENT PART. 😢😢😢😢
They really give the best chemistry and sex during the infatuation/love bombing phase. Showing up 11/10. Its sad but the person they were at the start is who i really miss. The person they became as they deactivated is emotionally abusive.
The key lies in the avoidant to reach out (probably after a breakup), which is a big step, and to be welcomed in by the other partner. This other partner NEEDS to learn the avoidant style or be told what the needs are that are required for the relationship to work. If the partner of the avoidant can effectively communicate and be comfortable enough to do what the avoidant needs, then the avoidant can develop trust slowly and discover change. It really is about teamwork, but from a distance at times. It will be a slow and gradual process, but both people can become secure with each other.
Nah - did all that and he still abandoned me after 5 years without a word. Never heard from or seen him since that day: it’s as if the relationship never happened.
I see my avoidant as a wild animal. It may come to see me for food or fun sometimes but eventually, and always, it will need to return to the safety of its natural habitat. I only hope in time we don't stop being friends no matter the outcome of us trying out a romantic relationship.
I get a lot of attention from people my avoidant ex hated it. He would hate to feel Jealous I think that was his trigger every time people would compliment me he would feel the need to push me away.
I think the change can come, only when the concerned person understands that this needs to change and knows that this can be changed. This needs to change because these deactivation strategies are keeping you away from fulfilling your needs of love and proximity. What can be more necessary than love my dear friend? And what is a bigger freedom than love itself my friend? Next, however your childhood was that got you wired to believe that emotional needs/vulnerabilities are make people/primary attachment figures disgusted and hence this is a weakness, know that this is untrue AND this is what just THAT person told you. It is NOT necessarily the ULTIMATE TRUTH. There are people out there in the world, who do NOT see vulnerabilities as signs of weakness or do not frown upon them. No weakness is a weakness, until and unless the weakness is faced head on and overcome. There has to be CO-REGULATION and THAT'S the HEALTHY WAY! Knowing what LOVE is, knowing what TRUE SELF is, helps peel of the layers of PATTERNS that are also a part of the SELF, like that of an ORANGE. Just like you peel of the orange of its cover and then have it, rather than saying, the cover is also orange, so I will have it - if you even try doing that, the taste of the cover will keep you from tasting the orange that it is in the core. Re-wiring/change is very much POSSIBLE. Change that CORE belief. I repeat, that belief was passed on to you by your primary attachment figure who was your care giver when you were a child. That person shared with you his experience only, and that was just an experience, one story of the many stories of the world and THIS story wasn't the healthy one, isn't the one that's related to love, isn't the one that's related to truth. Stick to the truth, you will find your way. God bless 🙏🏻
I have considered my twin flame to be avoidant, and myself to be anxious. But your video made me realize that i too am avoidant, more specifically I'm both avoidant and anxious. Perhaps psychology does not recognize that a person can be both. And perhaps most people aren't both. But I'm a sigma female, so i see inclusiveness where others may not. I'm a lone wolf who yearns for union with "the one". And i know we will be together ultimately. But we each have a long way to go before that can happen. I am "processing" my deepest core wound of lifelong total betrayal by my mother, from infancy on. Thank you much for your insightful video.
There is literally an attachment style called anxious-avoidant or fearful-avoidant with another name being disorganized. Psychology recognizes exactly what you describe.
@Mudpuppyjunior Thank you. Yes, I've just recently read about the disorganized style. These classifications are interesting but not useful for me. At this time I'm in soltude and deep in meditation most of the time and my deepest fears and traumas are surfacing and releasing. For me, meditation is salvation. I watch on UA-cam the videos of Rupert Spira, a wonderful spiritual teacher, and some others. A recent epiphany I had came from one of Rupert's videos wherein he talks about how relationships, like everything else, are about love. And (I'm paraphrasing according to my recollection of the video so I may not be totally accurate) there are 2 ways we can approach it. If we come from a state of loving ourselves and being complete in ourselves, then we get into a relationship to share our love with another. And if, on the other hand, we feel incomplete and we get into a relationship seeking love from another in order to find wholeness and a substitute for self love, then they are problematic.Therefore, IMO it's vital that we go within, in solitude and meditation, to rediscover our true selves, our soul, and self love and wholeness, before we come together with another.
It is NOT up to you to be their therapist!!!! Heartache City people... avoid avoidants! It is up to their therapists and themselves, professor of clinical psychology
I tried dating this woman a while back who I noticed immediately was an avoidant, whereas I’m naturally anxious. Let’s just say it didn’t work out. However, I learned about attachment styles and have been trying to better myself, but god knows if she has been bettering herself. Btw y’all, inner child healing is an amazing form of meditation and therapy that helps to fix childhood wounds
Love your videos and how they allow for an empathetic and understanding approach towards a Dismissive Avoidant. I do wonder though, since there seems to be a mixture of manipulative avoidents and genuine victims, how do you know that it is worth it to reconnect with them? How do you bring these empathetic issues into light?
There's also the other relationship which most don't mention.. When it's 2 fearful avoidants.. One more towards the anxious spectrum, the other more towards the avoidant spectrum. This tends to be a whole new different pickle 😔 I'm someone who recognises a fearful avoidant attachment within me.. There was so much in this clip that I've recognised within myself. Doing my best to be more self aware
So much explanation of attachment styles and not enough on how to heal them. You have to treat yourself better and resist the urge to shut down and hide away. You have to communicate and share of yourself, even when it’s hard or scary.
One good thing that i can take away feom my marriage with an avoidant is, it is changing my attachment style. He abruptly left me to go and "work on his visa" and moved back to his hometown. Hes been very scarce with communication for 3 months. Ive been a ball of emotions for about 2 months. But these last few weeks, i feel a sense of peace. Ive stopped reaching out, unless he xontacts me first. I see my attachment style changing. We have to realize that a persons actions absolutely have nothing to do with us and everything to do with their own internal struggle. I decided im not internalizing his hot and cold behavior, his bread crumbs, his lack of emotions, his lack of support.. its all about me now. This entire marriage ive over loved and given so much. But im turning into a new woman, one who is secure in herself and all that she has to offer. So if our marriages fades away and we outgrow each other and never speak again, then im ok with that. But i cannot put my heart and soul on the line anymore just to be treated like i dont even exist. I release all expectations of my husband and im locked in on my from this day forward. What a valuable lesson through such a hard struggle.
You know what this totally goes along with what I theorized happening with my Mom who is a dismissive avoidant. She had been neglected and abused but when she met my step dad it seemed to start changing. She is not a very emotional or soft person as a default but she has always been soft with him. The attachment to him helped to heal a lot. She still struggled for many years doing toxic behaviors like accusing him of cheating when he was always faithful. She just had to learn to trust.
That last one wasn't a joke - I got pregnant at 17 - We did get married - But, he was never committed - And, the majority of our 36 year marriage he was not in the house (ie: military, civilian contractor overseas etc) When he finally retired within 3 years we started having major issues ... He just can't handle a family who depends on him while he's here - He gets overwhelmed he says - Nice - Like Grow up and be a real man would ya
So ironic.. i was avoidant and ended up hanging out with an avoidant. It worked. Then somehow, he got me to fall in love with him and nearly 2 years later, hes still avoidant - week and week in-between the most incredible and deeply intimate moments we've shared and I'm now anxious af. Life hey 😅
OMG the morning routine ! Yes. But when I wasn’t at his he still wouldn’t do much. But if I was there - he said I was too distracting - even if I was in bed asleep at 7am and he was in the lounge ready - he wouldn’t do anything. He wasn’t mean about it but it would come up.
The positive thing is if the avoidant realizes that if he/she can create a toxic life, the same way they may create the exact opposite by practicing some meditation and changing mindset and personal beliefs. Independence is a gift and two people may be together while supporting each others independence.
you can't avoid and call it a form of attaching. avoidants don't attach hence why they leave whenever with no remorse. they don't want responsibility for anyone and will not take accountability for how their behaviors impact others. they create a fear and overthink unpleasant things that are apart of life outside of anyone's control and their answer is to avoid and ignore. no person comes without conflict in bonding so these people are notorious for knowing many people for a short time and cutting them off in a serial manner. avoidants also love connection with others overseas, different states, anything that isn't local so the excuses to not connect in person come off rational and hard to dispute.
DAs often can't fully experience soothing from outside themselves. Their partner tries to offer this in the form of reassuring touch or words, but the DA just doesn't have the pathways to experience this as soothing. Instead, the DA experiences this behavior as the partner seeking reassurance. Over time the DA gets exhausted and irritated because when they need self-regulation, their partner "demands" their attention and energy by touching them or not leaving them alone. So DAs get resentful about being treated in a healthy, supportive way because a partner literally cannot soothe them. When both partners are committed to growth, individually and together, the anxious-avoidant partnership can heal both of you. You both need individual therapy AND couples therapy. Both people have to fully engage. If you don't have that, the relationship will never be healthy. That being said, as a former DA, I want to personally thank each anxiously attached person for putting up with way more crap from a DA than a secure person would have. A secure or avoidant person would (and should) have chosen themselves and left me behind for how I used to behave in relationships. You both must commit yourself to the work, even if you can't commit yourself to the relationship (DAs, I'm looking at you).
I had one who moved so fast. Wanted to get married...then got scared of their own commitment and feared I'd leave. Decided to sabotage the entire thing. I also noticed his conflict style was avoidant aswell. That's really tough when you're a collaborative conflict style. They just go run away and then after long periods of ridiculous time, he realizes he over reacted. But he taught me that when it gets hard, he's going to run away. I then became combative and angry from all the not saying I love you. His stupid routines were incredibly unreal and rigid. It started to create a lot of frustration and wondering what happened.....he started backing away from emotional intimacy. It had the potential to be good.
Do you think a lot of people think their ex is an avoidant, but in reality, their ex just wasn’t into them? Or, they discovered something they didn’t like about you and moved on? It seems like it’s more comforting to believe it was the other persons issue and not yours. I’d like to see you address this distinction between the two!
Look at their past dating and if they are independent. My ex was a flight attendant who went through a lot of guys. True avoidant who used her job to be "busy" all the time. The more partners the more avoidant.
My attachment style is naturally secure but when I was dating an avoidant, I became anxious because of his self sabotaging behaviors. He would walk out and pursue exes and look for other people to flirt with and validate him, and it caused me anxiety. I was even the one in therapy at the time and my therapist told me that my reaction to that behavior was normal. Now , in a relationship with somebody who also has a secure attachment style , we haven't had any of these issues.
I'm sorry....I know your pain....I went through the same....have had to go no contact.....he's tried reaching out, is difficult when u work together but he has been on leave for a few months....
I'm very happy that u have found happiness with someone secure.....
I wish u all the best...🙏
I didnt even know what anxiety was until i faced it😅
@quamarmehdiff2707 Its awful I know....have been in fight/flight even before him......I wish u all the best 🙏
Had the same experience
Same experience. I am secure but partners with avoidant person style can turn you into anxiety style.. due to their flirts, seeking the one...whike you are in front of their face...always seeking attention from others...and then move on after a while
True Avoidants don’t jump from one relationships to the next, we dodge them all together.
Situationships*
Yep 😂
Correct. What he’s describing is a narcissist
if that is true i wonder if i am a true avoidant. Only had a one year relationship once, and I am mid 40s by now, single for 9 years now.
@@juliaskagfjord6207 Do you think what he said was true about you? Pushing other away, flirting with others or cheating? I am not saying this to judge you but this is confusing subject and because it sounds narcissistic behavior.
Avoidants who *WANT* to heal, can heal. I've never met one who actually wanted to go through the trouble and pain of addressing childhood trauma.
Further, I've decided that all avoidants should have to get an identifying badge, or maybe something more permanent like a forehead tattoo. But yeah . . . don't count on them ever wanting to heal, and even if they say they want to don't count on them actually doing anything to become more securely attached.
Yes.
@@deannarobinson4065agree 💯.
@@deannarobinson4065we also avoid our pasts. We box up our trauma, pretend like it was nothing and had no effect on our lives and move on. It's a coping and survival mechanism.
It is fake trauma they are victim addicts.
...
To all avoidants out there: healing is possible. You deserve it and if you commit to yourself, you will reach the peace and self love you should have gotten from the start. Take care y'all!
It seems you are the only one who little bit understands that everything has some background also another thing is that negative emotions are according to scientists very addictive to the brain.
This means you are looking for negative content without even realizing it because it's mostly subconscious.
@@alaalfa8839 everybody's brain is looking for comfort zones. An avoidant's comfort zone (or that of an anxious) are to be safe when they're not. Only once we all realize the toxicity of what we consider secure can we then move in the right direction: self-care, self love. After that life will never ever be the same because our acquaintances and partners will reflect the changes in ourselves. I pray we all become secure down the road. It's the greatest gift we can offer ourselves.
Any tips on where to start? I've been doing talk therapy for years but haven't made much progress. Finally starting EMDR but looking for more.
@@hormetichealth4102 hello! I think there are many ways to get you there. You can keep a journal and observe how you've felt and try to figure out why it made you feel like that. You can draw, meditate. Anything that requires presence in your body to send the message that you are physically present for yourself and ready to face the best and worst sides of you. It's a challenge, but if you commit to yourself, in the end you'll be ready to commit in life and not just in your love life but professionally too. It always starts with you.
@@hormetichealth4102Talk therapy is actually not that good for traumatized people. EMDR is a good way to detangle trigger and trauma-reaction. Inviting Jesus (the impersonification of LOVE) into your heart would be the icing on the cake. He healed me from very unhealthy behavioral patterns.
DA here. As a DA, I was uncomfortable in my own skin. I wanted a fulfilling, emotional life. When I discovered the attachment styles, I understood the worst tendencies I needed to act against changing my behavior. I am now healing and in a stable relationship. DA does not define who I am.
DA?
Dismissive Avoidant, often abbreviated as DA or shortened to Avoidant.
@@smbritton1 thank you for your reply. I have avpd but I guess I don't know all the jargon. I am avoidant but not (D)a
Can ya have a word to my avoident please?? Lololol. It would be nice that DA would recognise like you did. But I guess the key words are right there in front of my face. Dismissive Avoident. Says it all hey.
It's really nice you are doing the healing and you now have a lovely relationship. I always knew miracles happened and unicorns exist. You've proven it. Thankyou. ❤
@@melindanaumovic8124 I understand the dismay DAs can bring to a relationship. I have done that. That said, so can the other insecure attachment styles. What I found helpful to me is clear communication of the partner's wants, such as chores, time together, etc. Those with insecure attachment styles are *not defined by them*. These are traits and tendencies, not all of which apply, e.g., I seek help. An anxious preoccupied (AP) may not be a people-pleaser. The styles are context and situation-sensitive. DAs are subject to "vilification" because of their aloofness and limited emotional bandwidth. This does not help anybody.
It’s very simple. Avoidants admired a toxic parent and was hurt and disappointed over a long time. When they get into a relationship, they think “ I dont know how to be healthy and its going to end with me feeling abandoned anyways. May as well hurt them first so they don’t come back. If they come back… maybe its real. But if its real, I dont know how to handle it. It will go south and i’ll get hurt no matter what i do.”
Yeap. And when the person goes away like I did, "I saw it coming" 🤷♂️. I tried giving space, putting pressure on, talking with rationality, with emotions, offered couples therapy, offered even more space. Only got disrespected, nitpicked in my little mistakes, my efforts demeaned even after I literally protected her from her mom's aggression. Not dismissing my mistakes and behaviors that caused triggers on her, but even after I admitted those behaviors and showed the will to change, nothing helped. 🤷♂️ Result: got discarded like I never meant anything and she still kept trying to keep my validation through asking me what I thought of couples who broke up but kept having sex after (with clear int3ntions to do that with me).
What has helped me break out of this cycle is making yourself AVAILABLE. Super uncomfortable for me but once you get out of your skin and norms you start to come out. You have to be very consistent and understand if you relapse, be self aware and break out of that cycle. Always reassure yourself.
Question for advice then from your personal perspective... how do you suggest I, as the secure partner, begin to respond to the avoidant's behavior in order to change the cycle? In order to demonstrate that, if he's willing, I am for real, but at the same time, a real person with my own relational needs and boundaries? IOW, what action steps could I do that would actually help make a difference and turn the tables.
I see mine as like a scared dog. Comes close then runs, comes back, gets spooked
We come back when we feel safe again. It's hard to describe but if to much it feels suffocating and need that space. But when space is given plus a little time we feel safe again hence the return of the dog..
@user-qs5hz4mf3p throw in the mean owner who helped make them this way in the mix (aka the abusive ex they still have to have contact with)
Exactly 💯
that's a good analogy.
Yeah, that type of behaviour triggers intermittent reinforcement, it creates an addiction in the mind of the partner, like playing the slot machine. Even though it’s not done intentionally on the part of the DA, this type of behaviour is emotionally unhealthy and the person on the receiving end needs to break the cycle. It’s the DAs job to figure themselves out and heal their core wounds
I have healed as an avoidant. Here is what works to help us feel safe and fall in love:
Patience. Consistency. Reminders that you want a healthy relationship, which means holding strong during our weak moments. When we push, give us space. Let us come to you. When we do come to you, we will test the waters to see if you still care. Don’t get angry or super emotional. Someone with excellent boundaries and communication is admirable. We don’t want someone who can be controlled (avoidants who are tired of puppets anyway). We want someone who is very intelligent, emotionally regulated, attached in a healthy manner and able to detach when its intense. Basically, everything we suck at.
We arent easy to love,
but we still can be loved and show love.
Its hard for us because our own parent played this stupid game with us for years.
Why should we go through all this trouble to be with an avoidant when we can skip the suffering and be with a securely attached person?? Jumping through all these hoops so I can be in the good graces of some truly broken soul? I have better things to do with my life, as do others, I am sure.
You should demonstrate these behaviors with self and others, instead of just expecting them from others. Life is give and take.
😂
No ma'am. That's not how it works. You will be alone. Avoidants aren't able to compromise on the needs of others so why do Avoidants expect so much understanding? In this life, you get what you give. No one should have to tiptoe around your triggers, you need to do the work to fix it. Avoidants should be avoided at all costs until they take accountability because you guys are selfish
Okay - thanks for that-but what did YoU do to heal? We love you and can do those things but what do you do to help keep things together?
Thais Gibson of the Personal Development School maintains that insecure attachment can be changed by changing one's relationship to self. She says that you likely allow others to treat you similarly to how you treat yourself. Change one and you change the other.
She's a great one. Adam Lane Smith teaches about the brain chemistry development in childhood that leads to attachment issues and how changes in brain chemistry that can result in healthy, secure attachment, i.e., increased oxytocin, vasopressin, can be achieved. As an avoidant, this was a huge lightbulb moment for me. Both of these folks have helped me tremendously.
I gave my ex a lot of space. With every stressful event he needed it. However, even with giving space, he did view my affection sometimes as suffocating as well. The rare part is he did eventually became emotional vulnerable with me and talked about all his deepest fears. That also gave him stress and need for space as well. He broke up with me because he couldn't relax around me and that must mean he never really loved me. He did try to reach out but I told him we wouldn't talk, he needs to have a lot of therapy first. I told him brutally honest something is wrong with him mentally. It killed him he hurt me, he was actually very open about that. But I knew I needed to cut him off for my own wellbeing as well. I hope he is doing well and I am the wake up call he needs. There actually was so much love between us. Sad it had to go this way.
Same, girl, same. Went through a similar situation. I felt I had to break up for my own good even though I didn't want to. I gave him my feedback on him being FA and needing to love himself hoping he can have healthier relationships in the future
If he couldn’t relax around you, you probably weren’t safe for him…
@qazedc3 or because he shared vulnerability with her which makes them uncomfortable.
I look back and can remember how early in dating if I wld hug him and be just affectionate, he wld say “Don’t get to attached” it wld hurt my feelings and I wld hang on until he wanted to officially date arnd the yr mark, so we dated for 5yrs and he asked me to marry him, I knew I wasn’t sure abt us, and he ended up discarding me right after I lost my sweet mother. My heart was in pieces! It’s been 2yrs and now he wants me back. I’m better without him. 🙏❤️
how long were you together? Im wondering when mine is going to run, its been a year and no signs yet, but then apparently they also dont show signs it just happens is what I read 😞
my anxious avoidant ex's words: "you will keep putting pressure on me until you make me hate this relationship"
Did you mean to say Dismissive Avoidant?
Make sure he remains your ex. These types turn up like lost old dogs. You don’t need fleas.
Runnnn
And you likely did exactly that, right?
Oh yeah. My DA would get SO crappy with me during those times... telling me to "choose my words wisely" and "Do NOT push me" because they were "ok with being alone." Effing brutal.
I was in love with an avoidant for many years. It was an ultimately exhausting experience. As a highly sensitive person / empath I was able to feel the huge difference between his "core" (emotions) and his behaviour. He never acted according to his emotions. Instead, he was driven by his huge protection mechanisms. I used the experiences with this man as an opportunity to examine my own patterns regarding relationships and for healing some childhood stuff. And now I'm finally open and ready for a man, that can provide me what I truly need and want.
I think many people are some kind of avoidant and there are different reasons for it that can be overcome if someone really wants it and does the required work. Some are willing to do it, but some not. And every person who falls in love with an avoidant has to decide for him-/ herself, if and for how long the own needs can be placed aside - hoping for changes in the avoidant. I would definitely never do it again...
It's so sad when you can tell they love you but they have so many walls up.
@@hotpink3459 Yes, it is sad for them. But this experience shows us so much about our own attachment style. It is a huge opportunity for deep emotional healing. At least, it was so for me. 🙂
Thanks for this comment, it helped me during my time of grief
@@DrAtomics It takes time... I´m also still in the process... Sending you positive energy. 💛
Wow! It sure would be nice to hear a woman say "I'm finally open and ready for a man, that I can provide what he truly needs and wants" instead of "that can provide me what I truly need and want." Men never hear that from a woman. It's always about what "he provides" or "she wants". That's one reason avoidants are avoidants. I.E., his feelings don't matter.
I was so confused when he dumped me out of the blue. I was so sad and hurt. Now I almost feel sorry for him. He’d rather sit alone in his miserable loneliness than deal with himself. I wish him luck. But at 46 I see a lonely future for him 😢
Avoidant here 👋🏾 You call it miserable loneliness, I call it peace in my head.... 🤷🏾♀️ It's not because we're alone that we are lonely. Big difference 😉
I agree. A 46yo woman I was seeing is now doing th same to me 🤷🏿♂️
Pity he couldn’t communicate that. Just emotionally ghosted me after 3 years. But hey… if that works for you guys….
That battle takes place within me. I am anxious and avoidant. I need reassurance and space.
It’s normal to need space - all of us need time to ourselves, some more than others. The issue isn’t needing space. The biggest issue is whether you use space as a maladaptive coping strategy instead of allowing connection. If you do, it was a coping skill you learned younger to feel safe. You CAN learn how to change using this strategy.
You need to behave.
@@lorrainesmith.4995 You need to grow some empathy.
We don’t go from relationship to relationship, we like solitude, and sometime a relationship.
Real diagnosed avoidants jumps from the one the other
I'm fairly certain my ex has avoidant among other things and certainly always searching for the next relationship, despite saying that they're scared of relationships
@@bn5422 Allways friends with exes and many lady friends. Flirting. They have a harem.
On datingapps even when in a 'relationship'.
They dont want relationships but they do starve when there is no attention. 😂😂😂
That is why they leave. Not interested when it gets boring in their opinion.
Meaning the mask falling off and they need to work.
@bn5422 Yup , you can take a secure partner , put them with a DA and they'll become anxious. Because of the intermittent reinforcement, the DA always has one foot in the relationship, and one foot out .....Their partner can feel that ever so present , and that "insecure" attachment to them , causes a normally "secure" person , to be anxious, it triggers fight or flight emotions, and really can trigger CPTSD when the nervous system is constantly going haywire. Its so awful.....I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
The one time I decided to go against my programming to push everyone away and let someone in I got played
Avoidants can heal. ❤️ And it's beautiful to witness
No... they dont change.. they fake everything.
I'm trying to be a witness to that very process in someone I care about deeply.
It's hard taking ten steps back and having to watch from afar, but this situation has also forced me to look within and let go of my anxious attachment. Every day we're apart and I remember that it's for the greater good, I feel more and more secure.
@@kumoryuu yeaah, exactly..
It also asks us to look within...
There is just so much to look at...
It hurts though.. but growing
I'm 53 yrs old and I want no relationships anymore. I've had enough of other humans. I just want to be left alone.
Im 26 and I think the same lol
Turning 52 and I'm feeling the same
The avoidant i love told me the same thing. I understand, but it sure hurt. This is a self sustaining problem.
Hi Chris, I'd like to add part of my experience, here. I've been in a relationship with an avoidant for seven months, and I'm rather an anxiously attached partner. However, we both learn from the other, give space, care for oneself, be more trusting, understand our different needs, and it's great to see how we can make things work. Hopefully, not all anxious/avoidant relationships are doomed.
Thanks chrisqueen3809 for your comment.......I just started to date a avoidant it's very new to me and I guess I have a little bit of anxious and secure emotions.....one time I 8:55 8:55 thought he ghosted me....he says he willing to learn new things and lifestyles........just one he did seem he was turning back like a teen....but I just remain calm....and didn't escalate the situation....I really care for him and I am going to do my part to help him as much as I can.....so we can move forward in our friendship and commitment to one another.........take care .......🌺
I am starting to realize how loving and open to love I have always been as an anxious attachment, and now I am starting to see that while I may open the heart temporarily of the Avoidants in my life, it ultimately will never be a man that co create with me and raise a family. I need reliable and secure relationships in my life and I deserve it as I become more secure, walking away from Advoidants with love still in my heart.
I have no ill will towards the avoidant men who came into my life briefly, including my father who was the first avoidant in my life. ❤
We are looking for ourselves. We connect with others in passing. The problem is we were conditioned to believe love is found externally. It's found first for self, and the energy of love is SHARED. Not given or sought after. That's life's secret.
I love this! My father as well was my first avoidant. Am learning a lot from these sordid, damaging yet consciously rewarding challenging relationships with broken men. Am moving past it. Wishing you lots of love on your healing journey ❤🙏🏾
As a woman avoidant I need to point out that we feel that our emotions are a burden to others and by self regulating, we our not bothering you with our problems essentially. It's a way of expressing love, ie not burdening you.
The problem is the real burden you place on others is the misconception your emotions are a burden. If you can trust enough to let the right person in who wants to support you while you heal you will learn what all disordered people who heal do; loving another means sharing your burdens. Withdrawing is not a way of expressing love. That is a lie the inner critic of the avoidant tells them.
I actually told my FA ex that its a privilege to be able to be the person to share her problems. When someone loves you, you should always share your pain, fears, worries. When you share it, your pain decreases and LOVE INCREASES. If you can't learn to accept this concept, you will always be stuck in your avoidance. You have to remember, ALL your coping mechanism are often in opposite to what builds true healthy intimate relationships, they're extremely maladaptive and harm both YOU and YOUR partner.
Heal up because there's alot of love to be received. I can still say i love my ex, but i'll not put myself through her emotional abuse again.
We build walls to protect ourselves. The costs are high. The higher the wall, the higher the cost, really. I for one am genuinely tired of being alone in my desert, all nice and safe.
I met someone who told me I’m wife material and I seem invulnerable….. then he turns out to be the one who isn’t vulnerable, goes silent when I say thank you or that I appreciate him, last time we spoke he said he will come to take me to the gym (despite him having to change his route)….. then he stopped reading my messages. I know he’s afraid of being vulnerable but will ever accept that I mean no harm? I love everything else about him and do see him as my husband but I’m not chasing anyone….. oh he was married before.
As someone who has an anxious attachment style, I absolutely HATE that I always attract partners who have an avoidant attachment style. I don't think I can heal in that kind of relationship.
I'm in a similar boat. I think they are initially attracted to the warmth of someone with an anxious style. I've also had at least one secure partner. The difference is night and day. Almost no drama with a secure, and feel respected and safe in the relationship. Anxieties melt away when you're not with someone who is regularly trying to sabatoge the relationship.
It’s not you’re anxious. It’s that avoiding people bring out the worst in people unless you act completely crazy
As an avoidant married to another avoidant for 22 years, this has been so informative for me! We've overcome a lot over the years, and I've determined that we are both secure-avoidant at this point. Somehow it has worked for us, but it has been a learning process on how to avoid suffocating or overwhelming one another. I will continue to watch your content with the hopes of getting my husband to be less resistant to opening up!! Thank you ❤
Wow! You must know my ex. You listed every single one of his deactivation strategies.
Same boat!
A time management style person may be much less avoidant with his independent hobbies, and make time for everything.
But a time management person also can not be too obsessed with time, because time is partially an illusion when it comes to Quantum physics....
but use intuition to enjoy hobbies and partnerships as long as possible....especially removing bad habits., like watching too much tv etc.
You sound problematic lmao.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to move on, I really loved her so much i can’t stop thinking about her and the memories we shared. I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail. I’m frustrated, and i don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts, but i can’t. I don’t know why I’m saying this here, but i really miss her and i wish i could get her back.
I have been in such a situation. My relationship ended about three years ago, but i could not let her go. So i had to do all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual adviser who helped me bring her back. We are back together, and i must say i am enjoying every moment.
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Really? How do i find one please?
Her name is Maurice Gleti, and she is a great spiritual counselor.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
WOW!! 🤯🤯🤯
I never thought I was an avoidant. This made it so clear that I really am.
Sadly, all I really want IS to be loved. 😢 💔
if you know it you can work on it, whenever you deactivate remind yourself that it´s not the other person but your programming and communicate with your partner about it
If you open up to a person who really tries to get to know you, I guarantee you will feel a deeper connection that can open up doors to the possibility of experiencing real love that you crave. It’s safe to do so and fun, if you just remember to live life moment to moment and all things are temporary in this life anyways.
So live, laugh and love 😊
@stillhott Want love? Get to work. Self-pity won't cut it.
Yes. You want to be loved and this is the 50% of the work to be done (from the other person). Then, you have to be willing to love and give parts of yourself TO the other person. That's the other 50%.
They just suck. Period. The reason they push love away is cuz of FOMO on a better option. Selfish AF. They also can’t let go of hurt feelings from previous relationships so they take it out on everyone else. Thanks for the video
Jesus! Thanks a lot! You don't know what WE go through. You just know your own experience, and maybe you have been with someone inherently selfish, but it isn't the case for all, probably not even most Dismissive Avoidants!
So funny how Anxious and Secure Styles always chase us and get obsessed with us, and then complain we're bad people... Lol 🤦
You’ve described my emotionally abusive ex.
Selfish mofo’s
@@abigailcosta1716 Your last sentence makes you sound like a terrible person
They have to give up competition and comparison...because competition and comparison separate people from each other at work, but probably in relationships too.
but they should have the intention to bring the best out of each other, let the other person have hobbies and independent ideas,
let the person grow on their own, and enjoy the fruits of a relationship.
If they would support each other's independence... they would realize they dont lose independence.
Actually, they become closer and love becomes existing and sweeter, with little touch and little gestures, so they may be excited to meet next time.
When you dont use me versus them mentality, then you realize that relationships are mutually defined, both mutually support each other's needs with empathy.
Me versus them mentality shouldn't be used at work or in any other relationships.
EMDR therapy is the answer! It has a great success rate with attachment styles.
Once we were having a conversation about him ocd as a child, he still has it and I jokingly told him he needs therapy….. he disappeared for a while lol. Now he blatantly stopped reading my messages after saying he’ll do something for me. Clearly he won’t like advice on him going to therapy , there’s no telling when he’ll wake up to this true love, he practices stoicism sometimes as well 😢
thank you for spelling it out, much appreciated. I'm beginning to understand the reasons why that I had already suspected
Have a disorganised one very little routine orientatated, liked intimacy but doesn’t talk about emotions deals with them internally & deactivates. Thanks for the insightful video as always.
I think it’s important to understand that attachment styles are NOT fixed and that they are kind of fluid. As a more avoidant leaning person I’ve noticed that I could be incredibly anxious in one relationship and avoidant in another. The anxious leaning side came out more when I tried to engage in a relationship after I’ve processed my grief about the prior relationship whereas I was definitely more avoidant when I didn’t give myself the time and space to heal from a prior relationship. The avoidant side seems to get triggered by feeling like having skeletons in the closet (unprocessed grief) and being exposed. Avoidance is caused by repressed and unprocessed (subconscious) feelings of shame which can get triggered by the „overbearing“ or connection seeking behaviour of an anxious attacher. My anxious side on the other hand would come out when I would notice someone (seemingly) hide something or when I noticed them getting uncomfortable around subjects that would require a certain level of openness and intimacy. Either way, I think BOTH or all of the insecure attachment styles tend to be rooted in survival responses (fight -> anxious, flight -> avoidant, fawn -> fearful avoidant) that most people aren’t really aware of because it’s how they’ve been living their lives for probably the entirety of their lives due to underlying trauma. I think the solution lies in going back to childhood with a skilled therapist and taking a look at traumatic childhood experiences that caused the wounding resulting in each persons core beliefs about themselves and the world at large.
Excellent video!!!
Explains so much!
Thank you!
This is so helpful Chris!! Great video, research and real life examples!! Please keep doing these videos. 😊
these videos helped me get through my last breakup- his advice is on point
This is so good! Thank you so much for this breakdown 👏👏🙏
Some couples understand each other without talking. Silence and silent gestures are speaking from the heart. :)
Good couples bring the best out of each other with their individual hobbies, ideas.
My DA-ex always says that her biggest dream is to feel real love and have a family. She is absolutely unaware that it is herself/her attachment style, that will always prevent her from having that. As a FA myself, I am impressed how well you understand and explain the psychological mechanisms behind the avoidants behaviour which took me years of therapy and self-reflection to understand. Great job, Sir! Thanks for your work!
Chris, you should write a book about avoidants, it would be a great read!
They just have to reach a point , where they realize they're the problem, they take full accountability, and seek to do whatever it takes to heal.
Communication to the best of their abilities is important if attachments are already in place.
As a person using avoidant relating to a person using anxious style, I fully agree that I have to take responsibility for my behaviors and lacks, but I don't agree that 'I am the problem'. It's the dynamic that is causing wounds to be activated, on both sides. It's easy to view anxious as being a victim of the avoidant where in reality, both of them are victims of what they grew up to believe regarding love, and one is over-depending on others to regulate emotions while the other is under-depending on others. Both of them would benefit from moving to a healthier balance.
@magalihchldr8262 You're absolutely right✅️
In my particular case I was open to communication & hashing out our differences - slowly arriving at some sort of compromise. She wanted to simply ghost , stonewall , & seemingly run away. Then months later I felt intuitively because I hadn't approached her on my hands & knees to beg for forgiveness ( mostly for her issue's, & a few of mine ) she punished me by triangulating. She started a new "relationship" with someone who was just supposed to be a friend. It seemed everything had to be on her terms , it was always me chasing or apologizing. The problem there is I am very stubborn & avoidant at times too. This felt like too much compromise with no reciprocation. I apologized for my miniscule parts at least 3 time's, she never offered one apology. To the best of my knowledge I believe she had BPD as well. I felt in order to try and salvage anything I had to compromise all my pride and integrity, while getting nothing coming back my way. When she started a new "relationship" I went no contact. That was too abusive & dismissive.
APs have to reach the same conclusion about themselves
@@bellak2140 That's what I just said lol
I like this video. I feel more safe, understood and helped with this video. It’s so typical to run into the mobs with metaphorical pitchforks that hate avoidants.
The damage avoidants do to their partners is real. But i can tell you, i both hate and love my FA ex. And i've never been able to say this until i was in a rs with an avoidant. Its a funny thing, if you told me harbouring both emotions towards a single person was possible before that, i wouldn't be able to imagine it. I still love her, but unfortunately wouldn't put myself in a relationship where i give give give, and had nothing in return emotionally. I will in my heart always wish her the best and that hope she finds the courage to face her fears and heal someday, but it will not be on my watch. Accepting the treatment avoidants give is straight up emotional abuse and no self respecting person will deal with that long term.
This was a great video! Thank you!
Simply WOW. Bravo!
Thank you, that's a very valuable video ! It confirms what i had figured out by myself through my relationships... it's a whole balance thing... friends, family, work colleagues, club members, etc. are what creates a bigger feeling of belonging and grounding... the romantic connexion being more like the cherry on top...
Wow! Right on time! I am so grateful about the how to heal explanation! Understanding that the attachment styles are formed in relationships and can only be healed in relationships is critical. I was a dismissive attachment but my husband was able to heal me. It was a hard process but it is not impossible. When I was able to stay in the relationship long enough, I finally felt like some gigantic stone fell from my shoulders. There was my first day of the beginning to be my true self: still strong but vulnerable, authentic.
This is SO accurate, I have an avoidant partner , we dont live together, and the routine you mention is so on point. I interrupted his Saturday morning routine about a week ago and boy did that affect him in such a big way, lets just say we did not have a good weekend after that . On a positive note, I have become part of his routine now after a year of dating, which means I get a dedicated days and time to spend with him, and for anyone whos in an relationship with an avoidant, you will know getting dedicated time with them is rare. As long as I leave his Saturdays and Sunday evenings open, for him to do his routines, he is happy to give me my time, this is what I discovered.
I think deep down avoidants want independence more than intimacy. It's best to just leave these people alone, unless they are actively doing the inner work to heal.
They expect people to hurt them so much that they push away everyone--even the kind, loving people.
And you can't "prove" to them you're safe because their fear and insecurity only allows them to see you as a demon until you're fed up with it and gone.
@carlotta4th That's so true. And it hurts when you're trying your best to be kind and understanding of them, but they can't see it and push you away or do another sabatoging behavior.
This video is incredible Chris
Thank you!!!
Halfway through this you said you aren’t a therapist, glad you mentioned it, put it up front maybe.
great video Chris!!
I LOVE your videos. I binge watch them and I have learned a lot from you. I would also love these type of in-depth videos for anxious attachments - please!! 🙏🏽
Thanks for sharing all of this knowledge with us, even though I am struggling with a female avoidant, this helps me understand why she did what she did and alsof helps me better understand why she does all of these things.
This is so on point. Thank you.
Entering into a relationship with an avoidant helped me introspect and make the changes that I need to. I lean secure now but still have some anxious tendencies. I don’t display them to others and I am able to regulate myself. I wish the changes I made on myself would have allowed an actual real relationship, but I know what is right for me will show up for me when the time is right
Love this random video that came on my feed !!!!
Whatever you do, don't date an avoidant person! They have to be seeing a therapist, not you! Unless they cross over to the secure style with hard work, you are wasting your time and energy. I've dated at least 3 confirmed ones. I KNOW. Let me be your cautionary tale.
Amen I agree they will break you.
The fact that you dated 3 avoidants indicates that you yourself are either am avoidant or an AP and as such also need to be seeing a therapist.
Often times you guys aren't dealing just with an avoidant. He/she probably is a narcissist/borderliner and can't deal with communication that is confronting them with their avoidant and defensive behavior. Usually they take it personal and let it out by giving you silent treatment or ghosting you. You can get ghosted within a relationship of years. These individuals that do such things are not just cowards. They are emotional abusers and should be held accountable. Sadly we the victims of such unstable people- take it to our hearts. If you confront anyone with their avoidant behavior or worse- and they don't seek therapy.. then you will be left someday or they will cause you pain for years. To me that's emotional abuse and such people should be confronted and given no chances unless they take care of their toxic dismissive behavior.
Lol it’s also a defence mechanism picked up during extreme scapegoating childhood trauma experiences. I can’t get close to people. Never have been able to I knew something was wrong with me but I didn’t know how much. Everyone else drank everyone else deactivated but I realized I hang out with other scapegoats. We have dissociative amnesia probably not sure that we are deactivating it’s that bad. Only a narc would choose to be with someone like me lol. So you getting mad at me not seeing it the way you do is not my fault or problem. Sorry I don’t know how to love or receive love or give love. Now that I know k keep myself off the dating market. But pretty sure I usually state my boundaries ahead of time. It’s because of the abuse we dipped into soul consciousness . That’s the energy that everyone gets hooked on. And it’s a no energy. No thing. We don’t have egos and don’t have a sense of identity becauee the parents never let one form. I never had a thing or person to hold on to. There’s nothing there for you to be sad about other than that sad feeling is yours and you got it from your parents. We have no feelings had to abandon feelings a long time ago. I mean I had pent up energy from the parents that caused me to drinking. But now that it’s gone. I am no thing. I can’t change that anymore.
Narcissists can have any attachment style, just saying. Assuming an avoidant is a narc is just silly. Your avoidant might have been one! But that doesn’t make it a rule.
@@rachel4339 i dont assume....I say that most that treat u a certain way aren't "just" avoidants in many cases...but people love to downplay such behavior as you just did. And Narcissists have specific traits- so you're wrong- they avoid you to control you etc...but anyways u the expert 😆
@@GurpreetBrar-ht5cs a defense mechanism that narcissists and borderliners and other mentally disordered people use. So do not downplay people that use avoidance...usually it's way more than just an attachment style.
@@jchula I didn’t downplay any behaviors.
There are two very different types of narcissists who have different traits and presentations… grandiose are often avoidant, while fragile are often anxious. It’s an easy google search 😅 but go ahead and assume all narcs are the same if it makes you feel safer. It used to make me feel safer.
My first narc *never* gave me the time of day. So when I met my second narc who *never* left me alone, I thought for sure they couldn’t be a narc, because narcs are neglectful, right?? Wrong. Convinced me to stay twice as long as the first one because of it, and accept twice as much abuse. Plus, the first one didn’t allow us to be intertwined, so leaving was far easier. The second one however…
Found this video very useful 🙏🏽
Brilliant as always. Extremely mathematical and logical.
I needed this so much.
I am so extremely anxious. Tried with the avoidant, and for gods' sake, what a nightmare. Splitting apart was the only way to find peace and get my self confidence back. The problem is we can work out to improve the style, but I could not become highly secure, just mildly secure with eventual setbacks. I am not worried at all. Being able to stay away from the avoidant, is good enough for me.
I'm currently dating a DA as a secure person that leans AA and this video was everything!! Thank you!!!!
This is an awesome video! Congrats!
Thank you!
@@chrisseitercoaching my pleasure
the editing in this video is amazing, great work man
I am seeing a guy ( we are older now me 60s him 70s) - he wasnt into the relationship thing at the beginning but i continued seeing him for various reasons we have fun together and he's kind to me. I have noticed he has been less vocal about the relationship thing and i think he is more secure and confortable with me. we communicate a lot (key value) never enough communication. keep things open and honest. thats what being an adult is all about. nice video
practice makes perfect; doing will give you more confidence. find someone you really dig and go for it. just steady and take it easy dont rush into things or get stressed out. stay calm and be happy with you.
learn to be friends first with someone special. keep the lines of communication open.
My deep desire for my children to feel loved and supported has helped me to break through my avoidant behavior. It wasn't until they were teenagers when I started to feel myself withdrawal, once I saw how much it hurt them I dove into research to learn how to change it. It was very scary for me at first, but I was able to push past those scary feelings to be there for my kids when they need me. It's gotten easier with friends too.
I can honestly say that every time I see a video on avoidant attachment, I truly think this was my ex. The only sad thing is, had I known, I would've known how to love him better. I had to get to the point where I'd attempt to disregard all my emotions in the hopes of not getting emotionally destroyed but I did because I truly loved this man. Given, I was battling my own abandonment issues and I probably wouldn't be surprised if I had an anxious attachment issue but luckily I've been putting in the work to change. Last I saw him, he did act differently but he still was incapable of opening up. I just said, "I'll make this brief if you ever want to talk, I do genuinely care about you." And he just said, "I know". I wish I could've helped him even if it was never for the relationship but for his own happiness. I know I'll always love that man but I truly want him to be happy even if it's not with me.
the disgust is spot on. something about earnest vulnerability in romantic contexts often makes me feel repulsed like my stomach turns and I need to get out of the situation/location asap. it's so weird and sudden for me and I know hurtful to others. i need patience but more than i think is reasonable to ask from most people
I notice a lot of these traits in myself. in how i acted at the end of my first relationship. its hard to tell because when it ends i act so anxious. so ive had trouble identifying what i actually am. I do find myself pushing people away though. saying i want more friends or a new relationship and yet doing nothing to foster new ones or even putting walls up between new opportunities and i.
Good info, but I have to push back on the idea that those that aren’t avoidant go to others for emotional regulation.
Being vulnerable with others isn’t obtaining outward emotional regulation, it’s creating intimacy.
For some time I thought, I couldn't learn much from you. I was wrong.
Thank you for teaching me! :)
I just got out of a relationship a couple months ago because my bf broke up w me and I wish I knew he was an Avoidant because your videos describe him PERFECTLY!! EVEN TO THE POINT THAT NOW HE IS BACK WITH HIS EX!!! AND HE BLOCKED ME FROM ALL SOCIAL MEDIA AND HIS PHONE!!! ITS INSANE BUT WAS THE WORST RELATIONSHIP I WAS EVER IN!!! THE SEX WAS THE ONLY DECENT PART. 😢😢😢😢
That's NOT avoidant attachment probably Narky. Or is normal and chose someone else. To little info 2 know...
They really give the best chemistry and sex during the infatuation/love bombing phase. Showing up 11/10. Its sad but the person they were at the start is who i really miss. The person they became as they deactivated is emotionally abusive.
The key lies in the avoidant to reach out (probably after a breakup), which is a big step, and to be welcomed in by the other partner. This other partner NEEDS to learn the avoidant style or be told what the needs are that are required for the relationship to work. If the partner of the avoidant can effectively communicate and be comfortable enough to do what the avoidant needs, then the avoidant can develop trust slowly and discover change. It really is about teamwork, but from a distance at times. It will be a slow and gradual process, but both people can become secure with each other.
Nah - did all that and he still abandoned me after 5 years without a word. Never heard from or seen him since that day: it’s as if the relationship never happened.
I see my avoidant as a wild animal. It may come to see me for food or fun sometimes but eventually, and always, it will need to return to the safety of its natural habitat.
I only hope in time we don't stop being friends no matter the outcome of us trying out a romantic relationship.
Na it’s just better to meet someone who’s more secure in the first place after that break up. It’s too much work to get better with avoidant
Be egoistic, search for healthy people, stop destroying yourself, by helping break humans.
😂😂😂😂
Or just do what avoidant wants... "Avoid the avoidant"
So is using alcohol and cocaine a coping mechanism for them not to rely on others, self regulating their mood/behavior?
😮 when you talked about the morning routine example, it described both mom and dad's, now I understand why I'm so used to avoidant people.❤
I get a lot of attention from people my avoidant ex hated it. He would hate to feel Jealous I think that was his trigger every time people would compliment me he would feel the need to push me away.
That's not attachment it's either Narky or borderline. That's a very insecure person either way...
Interesting. Partially relate.
I think the change can come, only when the concerned person understands that this needs to change and knows that this can be changed.
This needs to change because these deactivation strategies are keeping you away from fulfilling your needs of love and proximity. What can be more necessary than love my dear friend? And what is a bigger freedom than love itself my friend?
Next, however your childhood was that got you wired to believe that emotional needs/vulnerabilities are make people/primary attachment figures disgusted and hence this is a weakness, know that this is untrue AND this is what just THAT person told you. It is NOT necessarily the ULTIMATE TRUTH. There are people out there in the world, who do NOT see vulnerabilities as signs of weakness or do not frown upon them.
No weakness is a weakness, until and unless the weakness is faced head on and overcome. There has to be CO-REGULATION and THAT'S the HEALTHY WAY!
Knowing what LOVE is, knowing what TRUE SELF is, helps peel of the layers of PATTERNS that are also a part of the SELF, like that of an ORANGE. Just like you peel of the orange of its cover and then have it, rather than saying, the cover is also orange, so I will have it - if you even try doing that, the taste of the cover will keep you from tasting the orange that it is in the core.
Re-wiring/change is very much POSSIBLE. Change that CORE belief. I repeat, that belief was passed on to you by your primary attachment figure who was your care giver when you were a child. That person shared with you his experience only, and that was just an experience, one story of the many stories of the world and THIS story wasn't the healthy one, isn't the one that's related to love, isn't the one that's related to truth. Stick to the truth, you will find your way.
God bless 🙏🏻
What a beautiful and wise comment!
@@isgc1384 thank you!! 🙏🏻😇
I have considered my twin flame to be avoidant, and myself to be anxious. But your video made me realize that i too am avoidant, more specifically I'm both avoidant and anxious. Perhaps psychology does not recognize that a person can be both. And perhaps most people aren't both. But I'm a sigma female, so i see inclusiveness where others may not. I'm a lone wolf who yearns for union with "the one". And i know we will be together ultimately. But we each have a long way to go before that can happen. I am "processing" my deepest core wound of lifelong total betrayal by my mother, from infancy on. Thank you much for your insightful video.
There is literally an attachment style called anxious-avoidant or fearful-avoidant with another name being disorganized. Psychology recognizes exactly what you describe.
@Mudpuppyjunior Thank you. Yes, I've just recently read about the disorganized style. These classifications are interesting but not useful for me. At this time I'm in soltude and deep in meditation most of the time and my deepest fears and traumas are surfacing and releasing. For me, meditation is salvation. I watch on UA-cam the videos of Rupert Spira, a wonderful spiritual teacher, and some others. A recent epiphany I had came from one of Rupert's videos wherein he talks about how relationships, like everything else, are about love. And (I'm paraphrasing according to my recollection of the video so I may not be totally accurate) there are 2 ways we can approach it. If we come from a state of loving ourselves and being complete in ourselves, then we get into a relationship to share our love with another. And if, on the other hand, we feel incomplete and we get into a relationship seeking love from another in order to find wholeness and a substitute for self love, then they are problematic.Therefore, IMO it's vital that we go within, in solitude and meditation, to rediscover our true selves, our soul, and self love and wholeness, before we come together with another.
It is NOT up to you to be their therapist!!!! Heartache City people... avoid avoidants! It is up to their therapists and themselves, professor of clinical psychology
Avoid APs even more. They are super toxic
Holy shit!!!!! Jesus these videos are valuable
Never knew what was wrong and he hit everything on the nail…. I feel so much better now. This is an exhausting way to live and I need to fix this
I tried dating this woman a while back who I noticed immediately was an avoidant, whereas I’m naturally anxious. Let’s just say it didn’t work out. However, I learned about attachment styles and have been trying to better myself, but god knows if she has been bettering herself. Btw y’all, inner child healing is an amazing form of meditation and therapy that helps to fix childhood wounds
Briliant and So truth. Unfortunately.
Love your videos and how they allow for an empathetic and understanding approach towards a Dismissive Avoidant. I do wonder though, since there seems to be a mixture of manipulative avoidents and genuine victims, how do you know that it is worth it to reconnect with them? How do you bring these empathetic issues into light?
Manupulative people exist in all attachment styles. If anything, FAs tend to be way too empathic for their own good.
There's also the other relationship which most don't mention.. When it's 2 fearful avoidants.. One more towards the anxious spectrum, the other more towards the avoidant spectrum. This tends to be a whole new different pickle 😔
I'm someone who recognises a fearful avoidant attachment within me.. There was so much in this clip that I've recognised within myself. Doing my best to be more self aware
So much explanation of attachment styles and not enough on how to heal them. You have to treat yourself better and resist the urge to shut down and hide away. You have to communicate and share of yourself, even when it’s hard or scary.
One good thing that i can take away feom my marriage with an avoidant is, it is changing my attachment style. He abruptly left me to go and "work on his visa" and moved back to his hometown. Hes been very scarce with communication for 3 months. Ive been a ball of emotions for about 2 months. But these last few weeks, i feel a sense of peace. Ive stopped reaching out, unless he xontacts me first. I see my attachment style changing. We have to realize that a persons actions absolutely have nothing to do with us and everything to do with their own internal struggle. I decided im not internalizing his hot and cold behavior, his bread crumbs, his lack of emotions, his lack of support.. its all about me now. This entire marriage ive over loved and given so much. But im turning into a new woman, one who is secure in herself and all that she has to offer. So if our marriages fades away and we outgrow each other and never speak again, then im ok with that. But i cannot put my heart and soul on the line anymore just to be treated like i dont even exist. I release all expectations of my husband and im locked in on my from this day forward. What a valuable lesson through such a hard struggle.
You know what this totally goes along with what I theorized happening with my Mom who is a dismissive avoidant. She had been neglected and abused but when she met my step dad it seemed to start changing. She is not a very emotional or soft person as a default but she has always been soft with him. The attachment to him helped to heal a lot. She still struggled for many years doing toxic behaviors like accusing him of cheating when he was always faithful. She just had to learn to trust.
That last one wasn't a joke - I got pregnant at 17 - We did get married - But, he was never committed - And, the majority of our 36 year marriage he was not in the house (ie: military, civilian contractor overseas etc) When he finally retired within 3 years we started having major issues ... He just can't handle a family who depends on him while he's here - He gets overwhelmed he says - Nice - Like Grow up and be a real man would ya
So ironic.. i was avoidant and ended up hanging out with an avoidant. It worked. Then somehow, he got me to fall in love with him and nearly 2 years later, hes still avoidant - week and week in-between the most incredible and deeply intimate moments we've shared and I'm now anxious af.
Life hey 😅
OMG the morning routine ! Yes. But when I wasn’t at his he still wouldn’t do much. But if I was there - he said I was too distracting - even if I was in bed asleep at 7am and he was in the lounge ready - he wouldn’t do anything. He wasn’t mean about it but it would come up.
The positive thing is if the avoidant realizes that if he/she can create a toxic life, the same way they may create the exact opposite by practicing some meditation and changing mindset and personal beliefs.
Independence is a gift and two people may be together while supporting each others independence.
you can't avoid and call it a form of attaching. avoidants don't attach hence why they leave whenever with no remorse. they don't want responsibility for anyone and will not take accountability for how their behaviors impact others. they create a fear and overthink unpleasant things that are apart of life outside of anyone's control and their answer is to avoid and ignore. no person comes without conflict in bonding so these people are notorious for knowing many people for a short time and cutting them off in a serial manner. avoidants also love connection with others overseas, different states, anything that isn't local so the excuses to not connect in person come off rational and hard to dispute.
They want love, commitment and intimacy but they don't know how to get it.
DAs often can't fully experience soothing from outside themselves. Their partner tries to offer this in the form of reassuring touch or words, but the DA just doesn't have the pathways to experience this as soothing. Instead, the DA experiences this behavior as the partner seeking reassurance. Over time the DA gets exhausted and irritated because when they need self-regulation, their partner "demands" their attention and energy by touching them or not leaving them alone. So DAs get resentful about being treated in a healthy, supportive way because a partner literally cannot soothe them.
When both partners are committed to growth, individually and together, the anxious-avoidant partnership can heal both of you. You both need individual therapy AND couples therapy. Both people have to fully engage. If you don't have that, the relationship will never be healthy.
That being said, as a former DA, I want to personally thank each anxiously attached person for putting up with way more crap from a DA than a secure person would have. A secure or avoidant person would (and should) have chosen themselves and left me behind for how I used to behave in relationships. You both must commit yourself to the work, even if you can't commit yourself to the relationship (DAs, I'm looking at you).
The routine bit sounds pretty healthy I wish I could do that
I had one who moved so fast. Wanted to get married...then got scared of their own commitment and feared I'd leave. Decided to sabotage the entire thing.
I also noticed his conflict style was avoidant aswell. That's really tough when you're a collaborative conflict style. They just go run away and then after long periods of ridiculous time, he realizes he over reacted. But he taught me that when it gets hard, he's going to run away. I then became combative and angry from all the not saying I love you. His stupid routines were incredibly unreal and rigid. It started to create a lot of frustration and wondering what happened.....he started backing away from emotional intimacy. It had the potential to be good.
Do you think a lot of people think their ex is an avoidant, but in reality, their ex just wasn’t into them? Or, they discovered something they didn’t like about you and moved on? It seems like it’s more comforting to believe it was the other persons issue and not yours. I’d like to see you address this distinction between the two!
Look at their past dating and if they are independent. My ex was a flight attendant who went through a lot of guys. True avoidant who used her job to be "busy" all the time. The more partners the more avoidant.
When I get close to the avoident he pulls away then complains when I have had enough of his games.
Most also have NPD or BPD as well