Covert Narcissists: Wolves In Sheep's Clothing. Cloaked Narcissists. Pretend Codependents.
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- Опубліковано 3 лют 2019
- This is a re-edited version of the video that was published on UA-cam November 21, 2013. Before taking it down, it had more than 493,000 views.
From my book The Human Magnet Syndrome:
"Covert narcissists are masters of disguise -- successful actors, humanitarians, politicians, clergy members, and even psychotherapists who are beloved and appreciated, but are secretly selfish, calculating, controlling, angry and vindictive. Covert narcissists create an illusion of selflessness while gaining from their elevated status. Although they share similar basic traits with the overt narcissist, i.e., the need for attention, affirmation, approval and recognition, they are stealthier about hiding their selfish and egocentric motives. Unlike the overt narcissist who parades his narcissism for all to see, the covert narcissist furtively hides his real motives and identity. These narcissists are able to trick others into believing they are honest, altruistic and empathetic individuals. They are successful at pretending to be a more likable version of themselves, knowing that if their true identity was uncovered, they would not be able to maintain the respect, status and prestige that they have so furtively garnered."
Ross Rosenberg M.Ed., LCPC, CADC latest book, The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (2018) and his personal development, seminars, workshops, and other services can be found at his Self-Love Recovery Institute company, www.selfloverecovery.com/
Ross is a psychotherapist, educator, expert witness, and author and is known globally for his expertise in codependency (Self-Love Deficit Disorder™), Pathological Narcissism, Narcissistic Abuse and Trauma Treatment.
His book, “The Human Magnet Syndrome” sold over 120,000 copies and is translated into ten languages. Ross’s UA-cam channel has amassed over 19 million video views and more than 200K subscribers. He is a keynote speaker and educator who has presented educational workshops in 30 States/70 cities and abroad. Ross has been regularly featured on national TV and radio.
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I think the worst part about being with a covert narc is that if you stay silent you feed their power. If you talk about it, you are the one that appears crazy. There is no win for the victim.
i'am a covert it seems like you want to buy some pizza i'am sorry but we don't have pizza anymore would you like an icecream instead?
So true.
yes there is, walk away from the double biding, do not react emotionaly, be indeferente, assert boundaries and work on your character vulnerabilities, always remenber, you have a lovable Self, you have a soul, this creatures are empty and mimicry life to sooth abandonment and worth issues, everything bad they do to you, they already did it to themselves, truly pityfull, grief from a distance.
-also, if you talk about it, they get off on it - you give narcissistic supply to their sick minds
Yeah there is. Walk away
The villian plays the victim so well.
Damn right.
Lol! Yes! Excellent statement.I needed this wise confirmation 👍🏻
I think he was right- or hit the nail on the coffin when he said they're the most dangerous
Yes.
Yes they do. But you know,one day they meet someone who they cannot touch and then theyre screwed. My poor covert narc raggedy fake person ex, found me 😂 And he will forever regret it 😂 Now he cannot unsee what i have told him to see in himself 😂😂
They will "make you believe that you were wrong in your judgement" rather than accepting responsibility. Thank you so much for this enlightenment...
Lots of diverting your attention to somewhere else yes.
Sara Quay McConnell : Yes, it’s called “gaslighting”.
🎯👍
You are so right Sara and its their gaslighting to avoid responsibility that is so damaging to their victims. Biggest con artists ever.
Yes yes yes
I was married to one. He had everyone, including me, fooled. Expert at mirroring. Wasted 23 years of my life. Regret being fooled. Oh how I wish UA-cam existed back then.
I feel your pain. Malignant almost sociopathic and an extreme alcoholic! 25 years of my life and my dream of marriage and my own little family, destroyed, ripped to shreds and myself & our daughter traumatized and emotionally scarred.
My heart goes out to you love.
You are lucky one!It is miracle to coming out of that relationship!Enjoy your life....👏👌❤️
I'm lucky UA-cam exists in my lifetime otherwise my gosh😩
Hey Judy, sorry to hear you lost so much time, but happy to hear you gained your future!
When people would say, "Your husband is such a nice man." I would agree with them, because I was programmed to protect him at all cost, but in my head I would think, "To everyone, but me."
Straight a Pure Demon Monster Devil at Home.....
Me too.
A Jezebel spirit in a male host. I read the characteristics and every single trait I remember them having. And they are blinded by their delusional Pride.
This was my life
My life for 34 years i did as you did agreed he was great,it made it really hard for me when i divorced him 10 years ago no one believed me,some still dont.
I have one in my family that's a nurse. She gossips, says cruel things, need constant attention. She act like she's helping people but talks horrible about everyone behind their back. They kept my inheritance from me when my other family member passed. I have mental problems full of anxiety from her. I tried telling her and she says she never did any of those things. When you said they're tricky that was so true.
My sister is a covert narcissist. This video describes exactly who she is a wolf with sheep clothes. Great video.
The hardest thing for me growing up with a covert narcissist mother (and alcoholic/BPD father), was how everyone outside of the family loved her. No one knew what was going on behind closed doors. I felt unable to disclose to anyone because the main rule in our family was “never tell anyone.”
I don’t normally go into too much detail on a public forum but I will disclose one incident - my mother severely neglected me throughout my childhood. When I was seven, I slipped on an icy road and broke my wrist. The pain was beyond imagination. I managed to get home but when I tried to tell my mum what happened she became angry with me. She didn’t believe I’d done any serious damage and said she thought I was attention seeking, even though I was screaming and crying because of pain. As a child I was a very quiet, uncomplaining, compliant child (and watchful), so my behaviour should have been obvious that something serious happened because it was completely out of character for me.
She eventually screamed she’d had enough of my crying and sent me to bed. Even when she came to say goodnight, she would not listen to me or heed my crying. In the morning I was still crying and this is when she realised she needed to do something. She said she would take me to hospital, but first she needed to get my brothers up, dressed, breakfasted and off to school. She also needed to make sure my dad had gone to work.
I lay in bed and waited until everyone else had gone. My mum then helped me to dress (I still can’t believe she dressed me to make me look presentable!) and then took me to hospital. While we were waiting in the A&E department I started to feel nauseous because of the pain. I told my mum and she simply said “don’t you dare show me up by throwing up.” I did throw up and she was so angry with me. She didn’t hold my hand or hug me. She didn’t say sorry for what she had failed to do. After my mess was cleaned up and we were on our own again, she said this - “you know Ruth, if you tell anyone that you broke your wrist yesterday, social services will take you and your brothers away, and you don’t want to be responsible for breaking the family up do you?” I said no. So she told me what to tell the hospital staff. I told them I’d slipped on my way to school that morning. My mum told hospital staff that I was clumsy and always having scrapes and falls.
She then fawned all over the nurses telling them what a shock she’d had and this drew attention onto her, getting sympathy and understanding.
And when the nurses attended to me they would say things like, your mum is so lovely.
After my wrist had been set and put in a plaster cast we returned home. My mum then said, “if you tell you dad what happened you know he will hit me don’t you, and you wouldn’t want that would you?” I grew up in a family of domestic abuse and violence was the norm, so I said I’d tell dad the same story I’d told the hospital.
When my dad got home and heard I’d broken my wrist on the way to school he just said “well that’ll teach you to be more careful in the future, you’ve given your mum a lot to worry about and I hope you say thank you to your mum for what she’s done for you today.”
I’ve run the gauntlet of compliments about my mum. About how she was such a lovely lady, always caring, always looking after others. Everyone loved her, respected her. I never heard anyone outside of our family say a bad word about her.
Once, I did try to tell an aunt but she turned on me and said that I was a selfish, ungrateful child. I never told anyone again until I entered therapy as an adult.
There were many incidents I could speak of but I just wanted to say that covert narcissism is the worst by far. Because not only do the victims suffer the actual narcissistic abuse, they also suffer silently, because no one would ever believe their truth.
Yet here you are in a safe space finally able to share your story & hopefully heal now that you understand as an adult how sick your parents were & how your mother turned everyone around her into 'flying monkeys, fools & tools' to her selfish covert narcissism.
So sorry you had to go through that!! You must be so very strong to have kept on going
I am so sorry to hear this...
💛💛💛
It seems this is another version of my overt Narcissistic mother Hitler. Thank God she passed away from a her heart disease in 2018 in the hospital where i used to work as a Medical Laboratory Technologist in my birth country. I did not contact the doctors or my former colleagues there to get my mummy dearest special attention and treatments. My mother died holding a grudge against me . At least the world is free of one particular , severe Narc that was extremely abusive to the husband (our father ) and two kids all that are empaths and empathetic people. The 2 narcissistic daughters that are my sisters never got abused. Carnivorous animals prey on herbivorous. It was like an ambush of 3 tigresses . I went no contact a long time ago.
I was in a 2 yr relationship with a covert narcissist. It happened very slowly that his mask came off. I did call him out on his behavior. I wasn’t afraid at all. It was the most painful relationship I’ve ever been in but I grew spiritually and learned to set boundaries and to love myself. For that, I am thankful!
Setting boundaries is essential and finding this is necessary is a total blessing.
I was one for almost 4 years. everyone thought he was so nice and kind. I was his emotional punching bag. Nobody saw him like I did.
My ex girlfriend was a covert narcissist. You really start to see it when you call them out on their b.s. and lies. It's a one hundred eighty degree change in behavior. It's strange to watch and experience the wrath of their pathology.
Narcissists are drawn like magnets to positions as pastors; they leave more damage in their wake then any "ministry" they appear to do. Truly the epitimy of wolves in sheep's clothes...feeding off the sheep.
Street angel. Home devil.
That is absolutely spot on !
Absolutely!
Snowy Skylar 💯💯💯
My husband
Some times a home devil is so good at it it isn't that obvious at home either. Not to thier kids
In my opinion, these are the closest to psychopaths. Coz of the level of pretence and psychological revenge with the damaging things they do. Evil! Run ... fast!
Agree!
Absolutely - dangerous people.
Pigs in sheep’s clothing, wolves are too regal.
That is an insult to pigs :)
Wolves! Beautiful Animals - Love Them
Lol, couldn't agree more!! 👌
Pigs have lovely characters, Narcs are vipers.
Wolves are Sly and calculating... Pigs not so much... LOL!❗🐺🐷
Wolves in sheeps' clothing, very true, and very passive- aggressive, unfortunately are very devastating people to get over, and in my opinion, are only fit for Hell, but drag innocent, kind-loving folk to their lower depths of insanity!!! Thankyou for your videos!
Thanks Ross👍,I know all about them..
One of them is my nm..,just now I BLOCKED 5 of nm s FALSE Fb accounta✊,also my nb(narc younger IT brother) and my first ex from early 80 ties.
Hes is still stalking this MAD man,he too is highly eduacetd Cybernetic,petroleum etc..
All of them is alchoholic!
I can relate to that!
100,000 Subscribers with No Videos?? I wouldn’t wish a Narc on anyone. My heart goes out to all the victims who will come across these demonic, evil, dark souls. There are so many of them and they are multiplying by the second. God be with us.
Daphne i.m in my 60s and have had to move 10x in 4.5 years because I.m disabled and can only now rent a room in a house. I keep coming across these monster. The monster down the hall is friendly with the owners. Everyone talks about him behind his back, yet when i call him out for abusing me no one comes to my aid. When I moved here 2 months ago i realized that this idiot literally put a ziplock on the front door my dogs cage that matched up to the exact color and size of 2 ziplocks this asshole was using to hold his car handles in place!
Almost everytime I do a wash he has either snuck in. And turned off dryer ir the setting gets screwed up. I have found my washing towel on floor.etc. today I went ballistic and the fake owners who ALL talk about him eere mad at me because I spoke up. I.m not medically well and my money is limited. It.s beyond sick. Please pray for me. These creatures do mot deserve to breath the same air. It.s scarey how msny are running around. I wish i could get out.
Probably covert narcissists are not even human they might be something else entirely.
I was married to one for 37yrs, a minister. You described my life with him. I’ve been separated now for 10 months. Peace is priceless. I have your book and it’s very informative.
You said that right, priceless. Little by little I'm walking further and further away from this horrible dark storm behind me. I dont know of anything I would trade or barter for the peace I have now and still walking towards - its priceless!
I was married to one for 53 years....almost a minister, was a deacon, and an adult Sunday school teacher
recently divorced, but still entangled
fran dalelio goodness dear one. Bless your heart. It really is awful and I pray wholeness over you.
Fran, if children are involved, it is difficult. I have found videos like this to be so helpful and the thoughtful wisdom provided by so many commenters. Sending you light and strong support. Surround yourself with as much positivity in your choice of friends, loved ones, and activities as possible and be extra kind to yourself. Play your favorite music. Make your favorite meals or treat yourself to a fun outing. You can do this!✨💫
I always knew something wasn't exactly right with my husband. I thought he was shy and quirky. A few years ago after things worsened, I googled "signs of a toxic marriage"! I also saw his selfishness, attention seeking behaviors and poor communication. I felt alone even though he was sitting in the same room. He's controlling & passive aggressive. My awakening since watching my first UA-cam video on narcissistic behavior, has been astounding!!! After 33 years of marriage we're finally divorcing!
Thanks so much for sharing Beverly. You may be interested in exploring Ross's resources at www.selfloverecovery.com/ and humanmagnetsyndrome.com/hmsblog/
My C Narcs, Communication for 36 years, has been Shocking!
I missed the Red Flags!
He also has ADHD 😩🙏🏻
I was married to one for 41 years divorce will be final in March and my mother also is a covert narcissist i’m finally starting to have peace and heal.
Renee Alex - congratulations, beautiful. Wishing you all the best moving forward.
Passive-Aggressive to the hilt and pretended to be a Christian when I married him in 2001. Now the wolf in sheep's clothing is parading around with a giant cross around his neck looking for new prey. And yes, don't question them on anything. They are perfect and You (meaning me) are to blame for everything. So, true but they fool the general public because they are so nice and charming and appear to be so mild mannered.
You just described my ex-husband.
Same here
Sounds very familiar
This is true with narcissist “friends” too. Cut them out as soon as you see the first signs of narcissism. You will be the most loyal fried to them and they will repay you with a smear campaign and sabotage your relationships behind your back. All because of their jealousy and envy toward you. Disgusting creatures all of them. Please cut them all from your life ASAP you are worth too much ❤️
Amen!
So very true! This altruistic facade also helps whenever they get outed by their partner. They can easily spin it and frame their victim as the perpetrator and most onlookers will believe it because they are such a pillar in the community. This was a painful reality where all my friends sided with the monster. This sophisticated level of manipulation blew my flippin mind. I was so shocked by his ability to pull off such an elaborate act and my inability to see through it at first. I couldn't pack my bags fast enough and was out of there and never returned. Of course while attempting to pack I received a sprained neck and several broken and dislocated ribs in the process. When he came at me it was like he was in an all-out possession! The iris of his eyes had turned completely black. It was beyond terrifying. I've never witnessed such a thing and pray that no one else ever experiences the full pent-up rage of a covert narcissist. Just get out as quickly as possible please!!
Holy smokes!! That must have been terrifying. I am so glad you are safe now. I am so sorry dear one, that makes me sad that happened to you. Thank God you are safe.
aprilkitten - holy shit, lady - I cannot put into words how sorry I am to hear you went through this. Holy farqqq. Hard to say which is the more demonic - the outright physical abuse (my god how I wish you had this captured and reported somehow to press charges) or the insidious manipulation where even your own support network sides with the beast.
Just. So. Glad. You're. Out. 🙏🏼
wow that's terrible 😕. I hope you are okay now . I'm on my healing journey as well ✨
@@doubledakakingdavid2952 ✴🤗💕✴ Thank you my friend. I'm glad to hear you are headed in a healthy direction as well. Each day I improve a bit more. It takes time and there's much to learn about the journey because everyone goes through a different one due to different memories.
Taking full control and full responsibility was quite helpful. Asking what about ME attracted this person? What about ME was the perfect match for this?
That was me taking my power back and once I took my power back I could assess what I needed to change in ME and apply the changes needed.
I was no longer dealing with being a victim of somebody else. I was now the victor!
A lot of it was coming from the story that was circling in my head about the history I had experienced. I needed to stop that story from being told, so I rewrote my story (Her-Story) with a happy ending and made THAT My New Story and that reprogramed my subconscious mind.
I also observed the situation as if I was watching a movie from a distance in order to separate myself from being personally involved. I am simply The Observer of an experience that I can learn from and therefore benefit as a result.
At that point I could thank the actors for presenting this experience which has provided me with education and insight. Now that I learned what I needed to learn I could delete this film and never watch it or think of it again, and keep only the beneficial lessons gained.
All actors have now been thanked and forgiven and therefore released Into the Ether. All that has been released with love and forgiveness can never harm me again. It is the unforgiveness that holds Darkness near.
Replace everything with joy. Make the new story joyful. Imprint every memory with a happy ending and then release it.
On a Quantum level whatever is programmed into our subconscious mind will be a magnet to more of that which we may not want to attract.
We must reprogram our subconscious in order to stop attracting what we do not desire. Rewriting the Story with a happy ending is one way to get started.
I Stopped telling negative stories to others and in my head to myself, and when I shared this method with others they started benefiting as well.
I would close my eyes and imagine the most beautiful story and reprogram THAT as my new chosen memory = reality. I would feel the sensations deeply as if I was immersed into that beautiful dream with all senses on ALERT... I could hear it I could see it I could touch it I could taste it I could smell it.... everything came alive and that ethereal dream became My New Reality! That is now my new subconscious program.
All of that abundance, harmony and joy is my newly designed reality. On a Quantum level that is now what I will attract more of.
This is a law of physics. Our emotions are energy in motion and what fires together wires together so these energies and emotions will attract other energies and motions that are of Like Frequencies. These frequencies create our experiences and attract like-minded individuals that are vibrating in alignment to us.
If you want to change your life you must first change yourself and how you choose to look at your past present and future and realize that all you have is this very moment right here right now and you can decide what reality you want to manifest by what you conceive and what you believe. The trick is making sure your subconscious is in alignment with your conscious mind as your subconscious can undermine your desires if it is playing out old dysfunctional memory patterns.
Right now is an excellent time move forward on this journey because Earth has now moved into the photon belt and our third strand of DNA is reactivated and we are evolving into the 4th and then 5th density quite easily at this point therefore manifesting of our new chosen reality is more instantaneous then ever before.
We are evolving. Humanity is evolving right now. None of this low vibrational nonsense will travel with us into the 5th density. All of this dysfunction will be left behind in 3rd density. That is not where anyone wants to stay especially since there will be a 3rd density World War manifesting soon so ASCENDING is critical at this point.
Let everything go. Forgive everything and EVERYONE. Tap into Joy! Let go of all negative ties That bound you to Darkness and breathe into this present moment that will escalate you into Bliss!
You may have already noticed that linear time has sped up and that is because you are leaving it behind. Linear time does not exist in these higher Dimensions. You will move out of that illusion if you choose to release all the ties that bind.
Transcending the levels of consciousness. There is nothing you cannot do. If you can dream it, you can create it.
We once had 12 strands of DNA and 10 of them were severed by those that were in fear of us. Now that we have moved into the photon field those strands are being reactivated!! We are multi-dimensional beings. None of our DNA was junk it was just unplugged. Why were we only using 10% of our brain? Because most of our DNA was unplugged. Our minds were designed to manage a multi-dimensional being which is Who We Are!
Being in third density did not require much use of our brain, but soon that will not be the case as we Ascend into our multi-dimensional form.
We are Starseeds and we are remembering why we are here and what we came to do. No more dysfunction is needed. Suffering is part of the Awakening process and thanks to our narcissistic friends they were able to propel us onto a path of enlightenment.
You are the Observer and the architect So go Create and Behold something beautiful.
💥💫It is TIME💫💥
You poor darling! NOBODY has the right to do this to you. I pray you will find peace and your self worth again every day. Life is too short to waste on these very twisted people and their problems. It's like you've become their nurse-maid without even having applied for the job, and for which the only salary is abuse. Truly evil.
There is no end to which the covert narcissist will allow their cover to be blown. They will discard, run, move, find a new job, new partner, find new friends, and in some extreme cases they will kill. They are addicted to having supply. They are like bad chameleons shedding old skin to new with no introspection or real growth.
They will also find new children and grandchildren. I call all these new people their fake family. Like some alternative reality. It's devastating.
Perfect description. Just like my exwife.
Sad, but true. I am sorry you went through it. I know because so did I. The wound cuts very deep.
Some are very good at being covert in the marriage also (can hide it with significant other), especially if they are good at using charm and personality. Can take many years to figure out what is going on. These function as snakes in the grass and are able to live double lives under the radar.
💯💯💯
This is Jennifer Sinclair. This guy is so right. My mom is a fragile narcissist- and she is the most kind people pleasing person you ever met. And she developed her whole life around manipulating people, getting them to feel sorry for her, feeling entitled to respect because she is related to people, keeping secrets - and she thinks EVERYONE does this!!!!!
My mother is a covert narcissist. She is a teacher who projects this loving mother type of image to everyone, but if you know her well you see how she's a manipulative demon. In fact I finally had to go no contact with her, and ever since then my life and mental health has gotten infinitely better. Patti Andrews is a monster.
Spot on. One face for the public and one behind closed doors
Surviving multiple combat tours without losing any my soldiers took a massive amount of trust in one another and yourself; sharpened Intuition, instincts and perception a major factor to our survival....I thought I could survive anything.What could be possibly worse than what we experienced in combat?
Well, I never had been with a narcissist.
I'm 35 relocated to Europe to be with a girl. To simply put it, the last 5 months have left me speechless and actually is taking all the mental strength and energy to not break any more than I have. War is easier than this living hell. An enemy trying to kill you is at least honest with their intentions/actions. Never seen anything like this, my sympathies go out to all who have been or going through this. Really.. its absolutely unbelievable.
A movie from a while back called "Cruel Intentions" demonstrates the twisted, immature behavior of these monsters. The movie, however, makes them clear, while real life only ever exposes them after the damage is already accomplished.
I was married to one for 34 years, destroyed me and our 4 children emotionally and mentally.
Truly makes me SICK.
This explains that Chris Watts guy! This is no joke scary! Be careful with this and don’t underestimate the situation like his poor wife & kids...
Chris Watt was a corvert narcissist, sad SW couldnt finger out,you could see him very restless near SW when on live video.thats how the current ex narc of mine was, very quite, a man with short words, spending time with me i could sense how he was struggling hidding his mask.. i even told him to feel comfertable with me he dont need to fake coz i know all is staged managed. Just recentely before i descard him, i tried making him comfertable, i even managed seeing his tooth while laughung. What was baffling me, he's pictures with friends he was looking diffrence, he's pictures with family diffrence, our pictures we took together diffrence, he's selfies pictures were always diffrence, the pictures i took personaly were looking so diffrence. I mean the narcissist was confusing me in all aspect.. have dated three narcs before him, i might say he was one special narcissist. Mind you ,he was not this guys who speaks a lot, he was not taking things personal ,even if i confront him, call him names, but he's behaviours were completely diffrence with normal human beings.. i was so drained with his pull and push games... im glad i went no contact.
Most narcissistic people, even those with NPD don't murder people. He was also obviously sociopathic or psychopathic (ASPD).
I have a few of these predators in my life and they have caused so much damage & heartache. I have lost family relationships, my character has been defiled and I’ve even had serious, life threatening, health complications. Protect yourself and get away from them before it’s too late.
Fifi La Fleur
Ass and Elbows ...!!!
Has nothing to do with it but cute Dog tho
Amen. You don't even realise it's happening until you realise you're for instance, walking on eggshells when with them, questioning what's 'wrong with YOU, denying your own reality. Interesting how all victims go through these same or very similar' symptoms yet it's not THEIR disease, but the narcissist's! Shows how powerful and dangerous this problem is.
Excellent video. It’s only those close to them that see’s their mask slip and see’s them for what they really are, everyone else thinks they are the nicest person they know. It’s like who the hell is going to believe me as they are brilliant actors.
They have practiced from a very young age of 2yrs.
The narcissist you described here sounds more like a “communal narcissist.”
The covert narcissist is not a two faced one, but more of a “woe is me…” (the world doesn’t understand my greatness). Victimology is their ethos. And their self-centeredness is cloaked in their self-pity.
Great video. They are very tricky indeed. Love bombing can come in different ways.. for instance... For people who are on a healing journey and vulnerable, you are a prime target for such individuals. At the slightest critical or honest feedback, they can do a 180 shift. They also will and cannot authentically, genuinely and sincerely apologize. It does happen but it is rare... They will begin to sulk and become passive aggressive .. it is all very disturbing
When a calculating manipulate covert narcissist fails at controlling you , it is a big hit to their egos , that they aren't as important to you as they thought they were.
Mine is wearing sunglasses in the house right now.
It's a dark afternoon and the light isn't even on.
Perhaps I caused her narcissistic injury when I called her out for offering an apology in the form of an insult... my bad (again)
Crazy lol
Thank you for this video. My husband is a covert narc. I have been with him for 34 years and just found out what he is 6 months ago. I never knew what was wrong with him.
Lisa O. RIP the bandaid and get the fuck away from that pile of shit. I hope you’re not enabling him by staying. Those people deserve to be tarred and feathered. I have BPD rage and I lost my shit once and banged a narcs face into concrete, and I threw a beverage on another one in front of a crowd. I also got one 😵💀. Hahahahaha. They are sadistic and jealous and disgusting cockroaches in human form. I mean it. They are like SS guards walking around in plain sight. Get over your feelings and get rid of him NOW or you are enabling his EVIL
Sometimes u feel trapped n stuck!!
This describes my last relationship. I began to question whether or not I was overreacting because he could be so kind, generous, and altruistic. After an intense love bombing phase, he began to devalue me, convincing me that our relationship problems were all my fault- if only I could meet his ideals we could live happily ever after. The problem was, even when I walked away, which was very difficult since I was addicted to him, he would suck me right back in. He has a very successful career, which he prides himself on, and he is known in the community as great guy. Me and his son, however, know better. He treated his son with the same judgement and contempt as he did me, and he is hyper focused on his accomplishments and the accomplishments of others. On multiple occasions he told me that he judges people based on their work ethic. This is the best description of covert narcissism that I have seen.
My father and many friends were like that, what I found enstranging was that they really DO NOT want to be such nice human beings they pretend to be. I would want it if I were them. They hate and disguise any human factor, i.e. God himself. Thank You!!💯!!
My grandmother was one. My dad and sister are malignant overt narcs but grandma could be so sweet and charming to the outside world. It really worked for her. She got everyone to feel so sorry for her and do for her. But to us she could be cruel. She usually did things in a very sneaky way and she especially loved to toy with my borderline mother. When she died she left everything to distant relatives, even though she lived up the road from my parents and my family cared for her until the age of 94. When I would visit her in the nursing home at the end she would call me her niece but she knew I was her granddaughter. Doctors said she had good memory, no dementia. She would talk one way with me and when other relatives came to see her, her voice would change instantly and become so sweet. There was so much that went on, too much to write about, those are only a few examples.
That's really bad. I wish this had not happened to you.
I’ve witnessed similar it’s awful!
I had a grandmother and an aunt like this as well. I tried to tell my parents even as a kid that they were nuts (in kid speak!) and no one listened. Those two are long dead and my family is still mostly in denial 🙄
Nowadays it seems best to just remain single in a world full of millions of broken people. Your best bet is to forget societal conditioning of getting married for social status or being in a relationship. If you have 1 life to live, be wise.
This describes my so-called “mother”. Everyone loved her.I was just the weird daughter. When I finally broke from her I lost all my family and friends. She died 2 years ago and they still defend her.
this is my mom to a T! she’s a social worker and i’ve had to deal with colleagues telling me how wonderful she is for years 🙄
It startled to unravel and one day, they said "you have to be a wolf in sheep's skin". That was one of the first slaps in the face
I made a covert narcissist correct himself about defrosting a turkey. In the end, I just asked him "how would you do it", and then he said "you're right". He had to agree because there's only so many ways to thaw a turkey. I forced him into a logical corner. He hates me now....
I unfortunately married a covert narcissist. Years of confusion and pain! Grateful for your videos to bring understanding to such devious behavior! She played me like a fiddle!
@CMG I am separated not divorced because we have two daughters and I'm trying to have some influence on them. It's hard but now that I know what I'm dealing with its easier. But one good thing is I went from being mr. Passive to not take any crap from her at all. Now she's using our girls to punish me! That is very hard. I hope they figure it out like your daughters did. The best to you and your daughter's !
TC have faith! Even small children know more than we can ever guess. Don’t ever bad mouth (you won’t have to-her behavior will do enough damage) her. Just let the kids figure it out. There is no way she isn’t bad mouthing you. The stark contrast will speak volumes to the children.
@@beanames9690 Thank you for your encouragement, I am hanging on and hoping!
As a daughter of both an overt and covert narc, I always thought my overt narc mum was crazy until I started to notice the insidious, invalidating manipulation from my covert dad which just about sent me insane too!! We figure it out eventually. I agree that the person who operates with the most dignity will 'win'.
@@jofriedman4528The insanity is horendous
Wow 100% correct.... wish I new this years ago as Im living the nightmare for the third time, my mother, first and second partners! At 57 my brain has finally switch on 🤪 never again will this happen to me...............👍🏴
I can relate to this video: my mother is like that. Publicly seen as caring and loving...at home, the music is different and has always been with me, until I got no contact. These people don't really need to talk a lot behind your back: they've got an army of flying monkeys supporting them...if these monkeys only knew...
Flori B, the monkeys are often abusers & narcs themselves. They enjoy seeing the target hurt and destroyed. The rest who take part are fools and tools... minions. The narc is their puppet master.
So TRUE 💯
Absolutely correct
Thank you for this video. The worst part for me is exactly what you stated, they do everything to cause you to question your judgment of their true behavior. It's really awful to go through.
I had a covert religious Narcissist in my life when I was diagnosed with cancer in 2011. She feigned concern for me, calling every day in a fawning, obsequious voice, asking how I was. Then I got unexpectedly put on hospice in 2014, and mentioned to her on the phone that my spare bedroom looked like a tornado hit it.
She said in a fawning voice "Well, I'll come and help you." Ha! She drove 40 miles and as we sat on my couch, she said "It is suggested that any separate accounts be listed as .."--she wanted me to hire her and her son (who was in "ministry") as my Executors.
For a $3900 fee. And put their names on my accounts. What embarrasses me most is that I went along with it. She made me pay off my one outstanding bill of $1200 BEFORE I gave her the $3900, so there was no need to even HAVE an Executor, an attorney later pointed out to me.
I subsequently went into remission and was taken off hospice. When I called to tell her that I was taken off hospice, she was silent. Turned out I realize NOW, her son was trying to get his books published, and they thought my death would be "pay dirt."
She waited a couple months and then told me they didn't have the $5 grand for him to publish his books, so like an idiot, I gave it to him. All I asked was to come to their large family Christmas gathering 40 miles away.. I'd never celebrated Christmas with a Christian family, but she said it wasn't feasible, but she had a gift coming.
I was hurt, but it cheered me up to think that a gift was coming, though I wondered what it could be as no one delivers on Christmas. I waited all day Christmas for a gift that never came, then at 11 PM an email came in from her. I assumed it was an explanation of why her gift didn't get to me.
I opened it up and she'd sent me a link. I clicked it, and with tears streaming down my face, I watched her "Christmas present" to me.
She'd sent me a video of her large family gathered around the piano, and they serenaded me with "Silent Night." Yeah, it was a silent night all right.
You might say I'm a glutton for punishment, because 6 months later, I took a wheelchair cab to her church, again 40 miles away, on Easter. She wasn't there however, but I talked to their new pastor, Travis Allen, prior to the service. He boasted to me that he had organized John MacArthur's entire Strange Fire conference (which I already knew).
I asked if I could make an appt with him, though I didn't say why. He agreed, though we didn't set a date. I have the Strange Fire CD set and have listened to them. There are many lofty pontifications quoting 1 Thess. 5:19-21, that we are not to quench the Spirit; we are not to despise prophecies, but examine them, yet none of them DOES that. JMac despises dreams of Jesus coming to ppl, and dismisses them as "mystical experiences," and no one biblically examines anything.
Truth is, Elihu says in Job 33 that God DOES speak to us in dreams and visions, to turn our souls back from the pit, which is what He did with me when I was 18, so John MacArthur has taken FROM the Word if God with his Cessationist views.
After the service I talked with an elder and shared my testimony with him, which whether Johnny Mac approves it or not, includes a glorious, amazing dream in which Jesus most certainly DID come to me when I was 18. Unknown to me, that elder whispered in Travis's ear that I had spoken of a mystical experience.
Travis then came up to me and invited me to Easter dinner with his family. He INSISTED on it, saying his son could take my chair back in the church, and they'd carry me in the house. I naively accepted his invitation, blown away that they would go to so much trouble for me. Turned out his invitation was a setup.
As we left the parking lot in his car, he turned around and said "BTW, I don't want you talking about a mystical experience."
I told him I wouldn't deny that Jesus came to me in that dream, so he kicked me out of his car. I asked why he even invited me to dinner. He squinted his eyes at me and said "Because I wanted WITNESSES."
So I gave him all the witnesses he could ever ask for, and wrote a nice Yelp review on his behalf. Lol. You can look it up--look up Grace church "near" Greeley CO.
I must say though, God comforted me on the cab ride back. Even my atheist driver was impressed when I opened my Bible RIGHT TO 1 Peter 4:14, " If you are insulted for the Name of Christ you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you."
I've had a lot of fun with this however, and had a T shirt made up that I wear every Easter now. It says "I Had a Mystical Experience!," and the back says "But don't tell Travis or Johnny Mac."
I also started this channel as a joke, however I posted a couple videos of God responding to the Strange Fire conference on my channel if anyone's interested. 😆🤣😂😹
At any rate, back to the Narcissist and how SHE reacted to her pastor's behavior toward me. I still had her son's ministry on monthly autopay, and she didn't want to lose that, so instead of apologizing to me, she resorted to what I realize now was Narcissistic "hoovering." She switched on the flattery, sending me fawning emails.
Finally my eyes were opened and I fired her as my Executor, and asked her never to contact me again. She sent me $3500 out of the $3900 I gave her, keeping $400 for the will, and are you ready for this? She sent me back a COPY of the will, and kept the original! So she could STILL cash in on my death.
I know now that Jesus said there will be MANY wolves in sheep's clothing in the church, which is why He said to be on our guard against men. HE didn't fail me, MEN did, and I know now that that woman is an exploitative manipulative covert religious Narcissist, and I'm glad she's out of my life.
Yes yes YES!!!! The example you gave is IT!! The door closes to the outside world and he becomes Mr. Hyde!! No one on the outside knows, and those I’ve tried to open up to “ just can’t believe it, I mean, “he’s SUCH A NICE GUY, always so giving and quiet.” Of course he is!! He must keep up the facade, he needs his flying monkeys. I feel so deeply sorry for we spouses, who stay to protect the child(ren), because as we well know, the family court system is horrifically broken. And so we suffer for years, decades without our emotional cups getting refilled (even a little), praying for strength to get through it until the child is on his/her own 2 feet. Long, profound sighhhhh...
My mom is the invisible villain. She looks like the big, loving, cuddly, kind, pleasant lady. Except when we were home alone. It was extra sour that nobody believed me, and I was the one put in therapy for being a rebelling puberty stricken drama queen.......
I wasn't. I was a lonely, abused, scared little girl. The therapist believed my mom. It caused me quite some damage.
Thankfully I am now a happy, free, 46yo, with a loving hubby and no mom in sight, because I ran for it. quietly and without ever wanting to see her again, at 17.
The one thing I still struggle with is the fact that occasionally, my Zen gets broken by the want for revenge. And I know I don't truly want to hurt anyone, but apparently the anger underneath is still not healed.
A work colleague successfully worked her way to the top using the very tactics you describe. I was unlucky not to know about covert narcissists at the time and I paid for it heavily when I tried to expose her work sabotage of myself and others, amongst many other deceitful things she did, by being sadistically targeted and my reputation smeared. As you say, once you uncover such a Machiavellian person the best, and healthiest, thing you can do is RUN.
i agree run. to the nearest exit.
They always get you hated though.
A JC, absolutely. I literally lost everyone due to their vicious smear campaign.
that was exactly my late husband; we were both teachers and of course everyone thought he was such a saint, He was very covert, abusive at home, sneaky and manipulative I had no idea what was going on at the time. He even died as a liar..
No Wolf can hide from Ross. Thank you Ross for these uploads, your helping a lot of people out there with your bang on enlightment, myself included. God bless you.
Yes! I have heard this all my life. "You're so lucky".
You just described the ex.
When we started dating I got told things like " how did you score so and so?" "What'd you do to get him?" ... those narcy people thought I had found some super fantastic person... and I thought I did too. I didnt realize something was up until (my "friend" at the time) told me he had lied about planning my 30th bday that it was she and her hubby..NOT my bf. I was confused why he would take credit. My first hint should've been when I popped for an 85$ dinner because he "forgot his wallet" which happened FAR too often...
i notice that "forgot his wallet" is a common trait - always looking for opportunity to "win" or be showered like a king
In shock when I found out 3 years ago.,The one that was always there to pick me up was the one who caused the things that happened to me.. still trying to understand it. I wish these videos were out in the 70s
YES!!!
That’s the best way of putting it. It’s so true, they trick everyone around them. They are the devils children.
Made a deal w the devil 😈 🙏🏽💯🙌Bible tells it all 🙏🏽💯🙌💥
@@tammyfitzgerald5336 they are con artists especially the covert ones 🤡🤡🤡👈🏻
Mine was LCSW a retired school social worker. YIKES!
Yeah, my experience with these people is that they are very kind, loving, and giving to the point where you just feel indebted to them. It's very subtle, but ultimately that's where they end up hooking you in. When I say giving, I don't mean giving material goods to you, but having that appearance where they're giving you a lot of valuable wisdom that's (apparently) helping you to straighten out your life (which at the moment appears in shambles).
One big sign you're with a narcissist is look at how much time you're spending with them, that it's distracting you from the plain path of duty with your other responsibilities. For example, this one guy I used to have a "friendship" with - I would end up spending 3+ hours with him at a time, sometimes multiple days in the week. When I would try to cut it off like at 2 or so hours, he would either show frustration, or hook me on longer. The more time I spent with him, the more false narratives he would push at me (and would get agitated if I didn't agree with him). The more time I spent with him, the less he would listen to what I wanted to say.
And if I didn't answer him right away, he would text me messages like, "Why are you ignoring me?". Ultimately, when I had to cut down the time in terms of spending with him, he ended up getting angry, and started making false accusations at me. That's when I had no choice but to cut him off for good.
Romans TenSeventeen - yes!!! Not only is there a complete lack of support in helping you with the things that ACTUALLY matter to you - like you know, respecting your time, energy and attention so you can do little things like put food on the table and survive, but like a kind of entitlement that they own you and you are their energy supply. If the man were willing to meet me in truth, in honesty, humility, mutual respect and presence, I could have spent DAYS on the man, but in the presence of only his egoic entitlement, I had to put me first too. (Once I recovered from the shock of realising what I thought was just an awkward "friendship" was actually divert narc abuse. Ahhh, live and learn.)
@@jofriedman4528 the line you posted "the kind of entitlement that they own you" hits it on the head. Most people view they symptom of entitlement in a narcissist as entitlement to more inanimate objects, jobs, wealth and such, but the real entitlement is a personal possession of their spouse. They need that control over a whole being.
This people come in various form, the one i recentely descarded could barely spend 6 hrs with me, he could seem restless, pretending doing things in the kitchen. One day he even faked phone call that afriend ,whose a collique want hard disc at 01:00 .i told him i aint going anywhere. In the morning he rushed me to live his house without washing my face. The previous narc was good at sabortaging my time. Anyway there's some trait that we shouldnt just assume someone is a narcissist. In my case i focus on there sense of humor, empath, communication. To sport a narcissist fast just tell a narc your not feeling well, they will repply oh sorry thats it,you wont hear from the narc untill next time he need you coz others supply are not reachable. I also focus on what they are saying if it really march their action. Or if your feeling your braind doesnt function well near them. Trust your intuition. Dating coaches says men who are spending time with a woman are potentially good for relationship i dont know which is which but meet emotionally unvailable narcissist,who have no time and living you guessing just buy sending his polatable pictures, youll be drained emotionally. All in all have dated both and i was emotionally drained ,both made my health to deteorate so bad... the question is ,is there empath men a live in this world? Honestly at this stage im Transistion from empath to narcissist. This people will make you complain even if your not in the mode. Especially push and pull games of a narcissist, i believe if someone is not mentaly stable a narc can attempt you to confront them which might lead to a big fight or end in fatal situation.
Sounds correct!
Wow. I just extracted myself from a situation with a Covert-Narc. I didn't know anything about Narc until my best friend alerted me to this spectrum and the good chance that I was dealing with this style of person. I am done and educated to this type of person. This is a wonderful vid. Thank you.
The same for me. I took comfort from a doctor's advice that once you've been in the grip of a CN you will see any other coming at you from 30 feet away! Sure hope he's right!
Wow. Just found out a friend of mine has significant traits of a covert narcissism. He'd tell me how good, kind and giving he is. How he always helps others and it is always all about him him him. And then he talks about how his life has been very difficult and how much he's been through. He'd tell me how much he loves me and wants to marry me. But each time I show him interest he ghost me. We make plans and he doesn't show, so I complain and the gaslighting starts. I've ran very quietly. But he calls calls but I told myself, I will never answer and eventually will block the devil.
Good for you!
The stuff he talks about in his videos REALLY hit home. Wow.
I don't believe that she loved me anymore. Yet she still insists that she loved me. The gaslighting never ends with her.
"People of the Lie" describes this behavior, written by Scott Peck in the 1970's before anyone knew what narcissism was.
Omg. FINALLY!!
I had been with a covert narc. and everyone thought they were just so sweet but I’ve noticed thing and something was DEFINITELY off. And I didn’t know what to call it. I searched videos thinking that I was the issue and tried to figure out maybe I just didn’t see things right because I do have a traumatic past. I’ve been healing and I am a very introspective person but maybe I missed something but nope. This definitely cleared things up. THANK YOU
Very helpful! I think i had a covert narcissist therapist . But i did not have the courage to confront him, cause he i was afraid of his reaction. He was so perfect, but the things he said to me was so disconnected with my real problems and my reality. He seemed like he was caring, loveable, and he stands hearing me, but my subtile perception was telling me he was far away from there. When he opened his mouth to say something, oftentimes had nothing to do with me, it was vacuos stucks. He was a psicoanalist and he became angry just because i asked if he coursed graduation in medicine.
Excuses for my english.
Thanks for your vídeos, Ross!
Kisses from Brazil
They really do do ANYTHING to keep the act up.
Are these also mental torturers?
Very helpful so comforting to hear you speak of this subject.
It is HELL.
Man oh man, my wife IS Absolutely a covert narcissist!! It is truly amazing the fooling of the world, she can/has pulled off. We went to counseling before I was sure and she kept her ‘face’ the entire 3 months. She acted like a human being the whole tome
My ex-therapist (covert narcissist masquerading as a therapist) should be watching these. You are spot on with how dangerous they are. Mine just about obliterated me. Do you offer one-on-one or teletherapy?
Your videos... I'm so grateful. They keep the light on, so to speak, and help me keep hold of the truth in my situation.
Will you share a specific example of what the therapist said. It would help to hear what a covert narc therapist says to a client
@@okok-bp9dj Over an 8y period, that is a long list. He would interrupt me a lot in a negating manner, change the subject to some new 'technique' he just googled - then belittle me if I didn't do it or be 100% on board, encouraged me to continue seeing a guy he was actively sleeping with - then they both gaslit me by saying they'd never heard of each other, repeatedly asked me about sex following it up with asserting he would never sleep with me (this is extremely unprofessional) I was extremely suicidal and he told me I was wasting time and should kill myself, he brutally raped me, after I reported him, he manipulated, coerced and colluded with every person I talked to. He created a bias against me - typical narc behaviour (poisoning the waters before you even get to the beach). During this I discovered his truth - he engaged in sex with patients and secretly filmed it, he fabricated an ocean of bs about me after I exposed his truth. Ross is 100% CORRECT - these people are insanely dangerous in how they will DO ANYTHING to protect themselves and keep their perfect facade (however, the more you learn, the easier it is to see HOW they give themselves away). I had no clue what narcissism was when I filed charges and I paid dearly for it. The only way/peace I have found is to wake up to your ownself, your patterns, your own wiring. We are wired to attract these people. Figure that part out in yourself and ALWAYS listen to your Gut.
@@okok-bp9dj oh - and find a LEGIT therapist. I found one. The difference in energy, feel, everything is breathtaking.
@@okok-bp9dj also - look around. research your narc. You will find things you never even knew existed. I found a blog about how he picks up garbage from everywhere (even trespassing to pick up garbage) then blogs about how good he is, and how it makes him feel to be doing so much good - THIS is what Ross talks about - that altruistic facade. It's all calculated. My legit therapist taught me how to truly read/decypher stuff like this. Narcs are horrible monsters, but, the more you learn about them and yourself, the more you are able to step back and retain distance-vision you will see how narrow their lives truly are.
@@lightinthedusk true. in my defense... my gut was going off a lot - society teaches us to ignore our gut. Think about what people say to you - 'oh that's just nerves, just ignore it" or a variation. Overtime, we distrust our own gut. Also, when one is severely depressed and suicidal, they are not in a clear/level frame of mind and miss those red flags or, play them down in their own mind, as I did. My thought was at least I am in therapy. When you have little self-esteem, you take what you believe you deserve. I am also on medicare which severely limits my options. Circling around, when I was suicidal I took what I could get covered. Many factors put me in his office, despite the red flags - all of which I can see now and understand what I was feeling gut wise.
Narcissism 101 should be a required study BEFORE dating or marrying anyone. These destructive disordered people are con artists that are not equipped to be in a healthy productive relationship with anybody!
I can personally validate every thing said in this video to be true!
An excellent presentation on a tricky subject thanks Ross . 👏
i broke up thirty years ago from a covert in the workplace..its been rough ross. they just keep seeking out the weakest link. the first therapist i met told me they do this...she said its a given they want that feeling,.i cant even explain the alcholism in my childhood........its been yrauma for me. i keep a chair in front of my apartment door ...i never forget i still get nightmares. ty for caring, u are my hero.
You have Complex PTSD. Get the book by Pete Walker on how to get that under your control.
Thank you for the comment Mary Ann. Ross is now working on this subject (narcissists in the workplace) and will release a video about it in the next couple of months. If you have more questions, comments, suggestions (or want to share a bit of your story), please write to us to help@selfloverecovery.com. We would love to hear from you and your ideas for Ross to create more relevant content for all of you. Thanks again!
After the discard they falsely accuse
Yes .... they will fly off the handle when you Close the Door .....after them....... because you have an Anatolian Shepherd dog who will react and venture outside if she spots Any Dog . When said person returns and KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK doesn’t understand why you “shut them out”. .........all of a sudden you realize ....... “I cannot debate this with this particular personality ...”. But then It comes out and I verbalize everything I have taken note of over the years .... so I respond : “You can’t take criticism.” “You contradict yourself all the time.” Etc.
Every time I confront him of his cheating affairs I become the responsible one.
yes, they turn the tables
It’s scary what incredible actors they are.
It is tormenting. Even if you try to tell others what you are dealing with, they won't believe you. The Covert did such a thorough job manipulating others. Our family just had to finally (and quietly) walk away. We lost many family members, who are under her influence. I can only imagine what she is telling them. One called and cut off ties with our family with many hurtful comments (didn't even wait to hear our side), my husbands sister (the golden child), my husband was the "scapegoat" all of his life. I just had to realize they were still blind, and I couldn't change that fact. I hope and pray that one day they discover the truth too, and then we can have a relationship in the future. I miss what could have been, a family. It is like mourning a loved one who has died. It was always dysfunctional, but you missed what it could have been if things were different. You know if you dealt with a narcissist because it leaves such a deep scar. I have delt with difficult people in my life, but nothing like this. This was devestating, and took many many years to heal from. I never want to go through that again. My heart breaks for all of you out there, who personally know what it feels like.
Fill your life with healthy relationships and happy moments. Forget the narcs and enjoy life. Only way to heal.
My soul thanks your soul for the guidance and wisdom you shared in saving my life. I'll forever be grateful to you. Much appreciated!
I have a really profound, and multilevel life experience that I don't really want revealed, but can benefit people of similar circumstances, but it is so in depth, with so many layers, that I think that only God could unrather all of this.
Perhaps I know what you mean my dear.I feel almost the same. I so wish for a saintly, experienced, wise father confessor, it is so complicated!!!
This is what I’m going through now.. with cancer, and I’m terrified.
They are brilliant actors mine is like a fox with all the traits of a fox thank you for your insight so true appreciate x
That was a really good description of ... my father. When 30 years ago I diplomatically confronted him about all the physical violence he inflicted on my brother and myself growing up -- all the beatings we took, the punishment inflicted, not that we did anything wrong but just in case we'd do the forbidden deed -- he flew into a rage and hung up on me. He then proceeded with a smearing campaign, writing letters even to my spouse to let them know what an awful person I was. I never spoke to him ever again, and he passed away 25 years after this last phone call. My cousin discovered his passing while reading the obituary ... Then I was notified by my country of origin's consulate. It was a cry of freedom ! Finally! I had been waiting since I was 6 years old for the moment he'd disappear off the face of the earth. But the hardship I endured, the slander, the lies, the meanness is indescribable. At any rate, thanks for helping put a name on the type of narcissism I lived with.
Great thanks to you for helping me uncover a covert narcissist who was an elder in my church. He was destructive and divisive in my church. My description of him prior to discovering what a narcissist was, is that he was a "wolf in sheep's clothing, smoke and mirrors, privileged and entitled." He is a dangerous man who is no longer in our church. I had to work up a lot of courage to stand up to him. Thanks so much for helping put it together.
Thanks for sharing. Glad it was helpful.
Wow!! Draw them out with just an inference of a criticism.
There must be a trigger language for them with words like no, wrong, not enough, emotional baggage, I must decline my offer, I don’t have anything for you, not true, etc.
Must make them feel like “look out, incoming, take cover.”
I just got the 2019 HMS book. It’s a great reward to me.
I am 88 days no contact today.
HMS-page 9, paragraph 4:
Trigger feelings of shame, anger and insecurity to get results of deprivation, neglect and/or abuse.
Can I use words to trigger their discard of me upon the initial encounter with them?
This sadistic mf'er is the worst one of all! Run for your life!
Lol
Mine is so sadictic that he created a nasty hate campaign against me after I rejected him and reported him to police. Now his flying monkeys are harassing and stalking me daily
Absolutely.
People are so easily fooled. it amazes me how most people, especially families believe their lies.
Bill Cosby comes to mind.
Also, my ex. And yeah, he got angry, cold, dismissive when I confronted him. When I outed him, he spread lies about me.
Wow, thanks for putting this up again. It pays to be reminded even more if the message didn't get through the first time.
The fallout from uncovering an aunt's covert narcissism 14 years ago unleashed such vindictiveness and fury, it was incredible to behold. All the bugs came out of the woodwork but it was my reputation that suffered, not hers. She schemed to have my semi-invalid sister to write me out of her will and other nasties.
The funny thing was her being pals with my narcissistic mother for 10 years before that. It was a family mystery since she complained for decades how my mother ruined her brother's life. What joined them together was their both being narcissists. My father did have a case against his sister for a long time that many people thought was unreasonable. By back calculation, he was 100% right about her.
Thanks to you Dr. Rosenburg and several other narcissistic gurus, I never believed the mask from the beginning and that unfortunately is what sucked me in ... I knew there was someone powerful and sinister underneath ... and this is what intrigued me. Now my family, friends and I could pay dire consequences. Prayers for him are welcome.
Hope it turns out okay - am praying for all of you.
Mine is a church leader. Just been painfully silently discarded and left confused but not surprised. It hurts but ultimately I think I’ll be grateful. I think she felt I was figuring things out after a year of dating. The red flags were present early on, but I was smitten, and now I’ve got to make sure that I’ll never ignore my observations and intuitions again. I think I thought how bad could she be, she’s a minister? I’m getting too old for this kind of relationship suffering. Your first book, al-anon and other resources are helping.
i tell people they have no idea. our church closed suddenly years ago.my best memories arent good ones.
FWIW, I've seen some of these lone ranger Christian "ministries" on YT/online that are highly narcissist, but have the appearance of "contending for the faith". They have these "testimonies" of why they were either "kicked out of" or "left" their former churches, but they come off as nothing more than excuses (and in other cases outright slander). I used to follow these very ones regularly - the more I listened to them, the more that something didn't feel right about them at all. They had one thing in common - they acted like they looked out for everyone's best interests, but at the same time, they were always hyper-focusing on their own "pet" doctrines (instead of preaching the whole council of God, and helping out their fellow Christians), so they can continue to push their false narratives.
Romans TenSeventeen Mine is mainstream. I’ve come to see how the role of priest, minister can really feed into narcissistic traits.
I heard that you shouldn’t try to confront them. Just leave. I heard it could be very dangerous.
They explode.
Their rage is out of these world !!
Vernester Harris I'm so glad you did!❤️
OldSoul - so sorry to hear of your experience. I can't even imagine. So glad you got out. And you seem so well balanced and rational about it all! I think I'd still be shaken... Man, what lurks behind closed doors... How do we learn to trust again??
You don't want to see the mask come off
The way you describe this in the beginning describes how our society encourages success. Our society IS narcissistic due to the consumerist ethic where you must sell yourself to succeed.
Obsession with “self-love” becomes, itself, narcissistic. It’s almost an arms race for defining “Self.” Without a clear view of the Ego, and the traps it lays for us, we can ALL be narcissistic. If we find “success” then we cultivate it into a self.
The consumerism of modernity cultivates the need for self-improvement in social materialism.
I’ve been watching sone clips of yours and I’m in the middle about them. I should probably read your books to get a full grasp of your position. The algorithm is bringing up all sorts of people going on about narcissistic behavior and identity labels of narcissists.
We have to remember that for most of urban history, narcissism has been the way to prove divine favor. The social conditioning throughout the millennia has evolved into a polarized spectrum of power identities between entitled elite and disempowered masses. Such a dynamic has created all sorts of paradigmatic realities that are clarified with a clear view of what the Ego-Self is and how it evolves.
It appears that a summary of a general paradigm of narcissism, please correct me if I’m misunderstanding, is that a narcissist cannot function without “I” first. Most good will to others has a self-interest involved somewhere. Navigating self-interest in a materialist culture in a selfless manner seems to be considered “self-love deficient.” When does self-love fulfillment become narcissistic?
I’ve been a healer for decades, and working with an ancient ethic of “do the work needed and walk” seeks no ego aggrandizement. This has left me poor and struggling in this hyper-materialist culture. People don’t typically honor such selfless action when getting the cheapest services rules the cultural milieu. Without a culture that honors such selflessness, survival corrupts the ethical effort to various degrees.
People today experience my work and say, “why aren’t your rich?” It’s because as a man in a sexist industry of massage, the opportunities are limited.
Please excuse the length of comment. I’d like to hear how you perceive the social paradigms of the last 20 years at least and suggest how you see our society dealing with the epidemic of narcissism
Thank you. 🙏
The story of the guidance counselor reminded me of how messed up kids of religious leaders are the most messed up. I could remember several people, all covert narcissists as far as I could tell. I’m not a professional. What a horrible formative experience, the people they grew up into tells the tale of damage. I’m grateful for informed and experienced individuals like you making this information easy to access and digest. After a lifetime of gaslighting, each truth I learn from these people ground me in the (sometimes uncomfortable) truth I might have always known all along. While what seems most of the population I observe puts their effort into pushing their heads in the sand on this issue, a few put the effort into growing. Either way it’s hard work. I hope their is way to inspire and encourage growth.
Of course not all Christians are narcissists but you can understand how professing to be a Christian provides a narc with a perfect loving, caring 'front' or cover over their true narcissistic selves!!
I am so grateful for your videos Ross. I am so excited that I have found a name for this behaviour. I loved my ex and thought it was so special that he took care of me. In the meantime he tried to make me think I had zero recall of events that supposedly happened, when they didn’t. I thought I was lucky to have him and accepted this fault because he was usually nice and caring. Good grief. What a waste of 4 years of my life. I went from physically healthy to being seriously afflicted with arthritis to the point of disability. So scary. Now that I have a better understanding of all of this, it scares the heck out of me.
Thanks Ross.. Bring the person close to you, don't be afraid and they reveal true colors quick.. this is when we grow mostly, out of illusions, we learn about the world, true reality we are living in.. in a hard way but eventually it wakes us up to our true power..
Every sentence of you let me think: "Hey, you know my mother? The loving, caring, altruistic woman?" ... only on the outside. Takes me over 40 years to finally understand what's going on, why I am the black sheep, why I never get into a relationship with my sister (the perfect golden one), why I don't have any memories of my childhood till I was 12 or 13 years ... (except for a handful of moments - often not good ones). Thank you for your educational videos, they help me a lot figuring out, that it is NOT ME where is 'something wrong with', as she would described it. My mum works as a highly admired family worker ... they love her. And at home, she plays her tricky games with us. I moved from home immediately with 18 years. But that doesn't stop her from playing ... The only way was for me going no contact. Now she tries again. Got no contact for 3 years, met my sister last week and had a long honest discussion with her, what I feel and what I have been going through - she also was very honest and offered me her experience. What happened? Suddendly, a week after, my mother send me a message: "Oh, what a lovely house you got. I want to meet you, let us try again to find a way ... blablabla" I am lucky enought not to fall for this. It is called hoovering and I am done with her psycho shit and want to live a happy life.
Way to go - and don't give up! Narcs suck the life out of you.
They can dish it out, but they can't take it. My narc daughter was sending me emails that were on another level of hate. I told her that if we're baring our souls, it's my turn. I made it hurt. I said things that I would never have said to her, just 24 hours earlier, and she was unable to deal with it.
Too bad. Don't get between me and my wife. You did.
Bye, Felicia.