This is also me, with kids and pets as well. I go straight to them and only spend like 20% with the adults. Of course I always also go for the food lol
Joining a D&D campaign a year ago was like the best choice I've made in a long time. I had wanted to play a campaign with a group of people for a long time, but none of my friends wanted to play, and instead of trying to convince all of my friends into it, I decided to just ask people at my local game shop that were already into it, if they had room for another player. Best decision I've ever made, not only did I make new friends, but an old acquaintance was also a part of the group and we became good friends after the past year. Go get you an in person hobby y'all. Highly recommend.
Damn, this hits so close to home! Maybe finally I should go to my local game shop and ask... So happy for you reading this! Super awesome that you found yourself some good eggs 💚
@@Molscheira you can do it! I was so scared going in but Well worth every second of anxiety. Everyone ended up being very nice and accepting and were very excited to have another player at the table. I'd recommend asking if the game shop knows if there's any campaigns that are looking for more players and just see what they say and if they don't have any answers for you just go around and ask if anybody is going to be starting a new campaign anytime soon and if there's room for another player I hope you have success in all your future roles!
I want to +1 this so much! I did an exchange year when I was 17 and after a couple months I had met people and made friends but they were more like acquaintances that you attend lessons with than actual friends. Than I went on a trip with my Maths class and other Maths classes and got introduced to this person who was part of the D&D club in the school. Ended up messaging him asking if I could join them, he was super open to that and the people in that group became some of my best friends of the year, we still talk online and I love them so much. In person RPGs have done so much for me!!
@@AWindy94 I honestly went online to check what's all available in my area and was super surprised how many game stores there are! Thank you so much for answering me, I'm still a bit hesitant and shy but this exchange really gave me the boost I needed 💚 ty Internet stranger!
As someone who has had three extremely close friends gaslight me and write me out of their lives this year, this feels like perfect timing. I’m really trying not to close myself off to potential future friendships but the pain is so fresh.
I’ve experienced something similar and I really feel for you ❤️🩹I hope that as you move through that pain and grief that new chapters open safely and easily. It sucks big; you can do this, one day at a time
That is rough, I had someone destroy a friendship (several actually) that pre existed both of us knowing this toxic person. This was more than 10 years ago and it still affects how I approach new friendships.
Yeah, I went through something similar last year. I did a lot of loving kindness meditations to help counter the anti-social tendencies I had afterward. I wish you the best of luck in the healing process.
I just went to a kickback/party with my partner’s friends. I felt like I was able to talk to people one on one easier, but it was still hard to find things to talk about. When the conversation would “open up” to multiple people I would go quiet and pet the dogs. It’s so hard to butt in the conversation when i never know what to say :/
I think my biggest problem is RSD, it always seems like the other person either has all the friends they can handle or is looking to be a leech. Also my brain will tell me they don’t really like me, especially if they’re late (like 30min+) for plans or don’t reliably text back. It’s mostly in my head, and when it’s not, it’s that they have too busy a life to include me for real.
Yeah, people not responding is my biggest issue. I get that people are busy and I am also frequently too busy to do something, but at least people could take the 10 seconds it takes to text back how they're doing. I feel like asking for basic courtesy is already too much to handle for most people.
@@SemiIocon @autumnmoonfire3944 It doesn't sound like it's in your head. A lot of us, especially with ADHD, can struggle with time management, but being significantly late (not counting emergencies or other circumstances out of a person's control) or just ignoring messages is legitimately rude. People are just valuing others less and less, making more excuses as to why it's supposedly ok to disregard and disrespect them. And having a natural emotional response, or drawing boundaries/holding people accountable is then pathologized.
“Looking to be a leech” oof. In the last year or two, my partner and I have gotten to be friends with several people only to realize that they were just using us for resources. We’ve had multiple distinct instances of people completely dropping us the second they don’t need anything from us anymore, and that shit hurts bad. We’re not even particularly wealthy, but we’re both generous toward people we care about, and it seems like people can see that and exploit it. It sucks, but I’m worried I’m going to reach a point where I’m going to have to start refusing friends when they need things categorically
I hate when they make excuses like, “that’s just how I am.” It’s always religious people to that are the most hurtful so I stay away from them 🤷♀️ but it would be great to have a friend that I can talk to about our interests
Hi Mickey! A UA-camr named Elliot Sang just posted a video about the lack of “third places” which is those community places you talked about around 12:00. It’s an awesome video and I highly recommend!
The hardest part i have found as someone who is in sober and in recovery so much of my previous life with friends centered around drinking in some way (ie drinks before dinner, basically any group function. I lived a life before i ever drank alcohol. My parents were alcoholics. So i stayed away till i was 22. Unfortunately it snuck up on me regardless. It is a bitch. Anyway to anyone in recovery there is hope to make friends and still be able to do all these social functions. I have been sober for over 3 yeara and it am still figuring it out. Lol
The largest struggle I have had with making new friends is how normalized hateful rhetoric has become in casual conversations. In the last 5 years, I have rarely had a conversation that didn't include transphobia, homophobia, and racism and I can not morally compromise myself to "deepen" those friendships because I rather not maintain relations with people like that at all. When I meet new people, the same problem persists. I just have been discouraged of trying to make friends in a rural setting.
@@knjparadise that doesn't exist in my community. I was a part of an activism movement when I moved to this community I have criticisms of today of. The community I live in is not a safe one for BIPOC trans queers. If I was to share my political views I would be considered a radical extremist so I do not talk to that with just anyone.
6:30 "to unlearn the attitude of shame." I love when you say things like this. 💖 This unlearning shame, and learning self advocacy and self respect, are exactly what I've spent my adulthood doing. Excellent reminder and encouragement.
I am very positive about making friends and am not nervous about it.... my shortcoming is recognizing when someone actually is a friend and a trustworthy person. (weary)
I think the main thing with that is to stay present and trust your feelings. It takes a while to build trust and friendship. Like with dating, you have to get to know each other for a while before you decided to have a deeper relationship. If you have trouble with one of you shifting and not being a good friend anymore, did one of you come on very strong in the beginning and fake a deep connection? That gets muddy since one friend would feel very close and the other might feel very far since the trust wasn’t built mutually.
Even though it's really really hard, it's important to recognize your own pace and bandwidth. I moved to a new town over a year ago (as a result of a lot of changes, with a lot of accompanying stressors), and I felt frustrated for a long time with the process of trying to meet people and make friends. I came to realize, though, it just takes me a lot of time, over the course of a long period of time, to get to know and trust people. I have started to make closer friendships, after 18 months here, but for over a year, most of my friendly interactions were just small talk on the street or in the grocery store, saying hi to my neighbors, which slowly grew into getting to know a few people by talking for a bit longer when we ran into one another on a walk or at school pickup for our kids.
It reminds me of an old friend from the military. We would go out partying and his whole shtick was getting laid...it was his one in only goal in life. Where as I just wanted to go out and get drunk and have a good time so I could forget about the Navy. used to tell him wreaked of desperation and that people just want to be around someone who is authentic and fun for fun sakes....he never got any one to go with him ever. I would always just keep to myself and try to keep my social anxiety in check...watch whatever movie is on at the bar type stuff. Someone would always inevitably approach me whether it was a woman who was interested in me or just some random dude that just sparks up a conversation with me. It always stuck with me that being yourself and not trying to force something is really all you can do...any time I ever did it another way it bit me in the ass.
For me it's been hard to find compatibility in frequency of contact/connection. In the last year and since starting therapy, I became aware that in all of my relationships I was the one putting in the most effort to stay connected. Mostly because I needed more frequent contact than any other person in my life did. So I kinda stopped reaching out as often, trying to adjust a little to their schedule so that I don't end up feeling like I'm the only one keeping the relationship going. Since then, I've had a lot of trouble finding people that need the same things I do from their relationships. I don't really have social anxiety and though introverted, I can strike up a conversation with just about anyone at any time. So the issue for me is more in developing and then maintaining the kind of deeper connection I crave. Haven't had a lot of luck with that, honestly. I have stopped trying for a few months because I was starting to feel really disheartened that I couldn't find a true and lasting connection with anyone. The people I encountered seemed to be too busy to dedicate the time and effort needed to create those relationships so I had to take a break from trying. It was making me even more lonely to really try and not find anyone I clicked with.
Maaaaan, you’ve just described my life in the past 3 years. I feel you man, sometimes it feels like we just expect too much from people, that maybe we are the ones at fault. But the truth is that there’s nothing wrong with needing more contact with friends than other people do. I recommend you try to find friends amongst your neighbors, people within close proximity to you. This way, you can have easier access to them, and they to you, without either of you having to travel to see each other. You will also most likely have more things to talk about because you share a space.
I do think making friends as a post uni going adult is difficult and ive struggled a bit more having left the faith i was part of for years. Its a different level of isolation i think.
i’m going to a special mixer on halloween, my first social event in probably 5 years or so. this video is making feel a lot better about going and hopefully making some friends! :)
I was just thinking (read: having a whole moment), seriously earlier today, about how much I'm struggling with making friends as an adult and finding community and this video pops up on my recommendations. It's so easy to feel like you're the only one who's dealing with this. THANK you for making this video and can't wait for part 2!!!
It's really hard when you not only move halfway across a huge country to a province where no one is itinerant and everyone has family, but also you have multiple chronic illnesses and can't even go tour a war memorial with a good hearted colleague let alone get to know the city or, you know, meet people.
I love this! It was so hard for me but after covid lockdowns and a health scare that i thought might kill me, I've finally learned to be vulnerable and have made more friends the past year than i have since grade school! This includes befriending people who have been acquaintances for years and going to meet ups to meet totally new people. It's not easy, sometimes it's very cringe, and sometimes you get rejected. But it's soooo worth it and i realized how much others really want to make friends and struggle with it also. When I put myself out there, a lot of people respond way more enthusiastically than i ever expected.
I appreciate this video so much! Since Covid, my job has become 100% work from home. I am single and live alone. So, sometimes I go day's without seeing or talking to anyone. I recently joined the gym and I am taking a few hobby courses. It's fun, but like you said, often people come in pairs or groups, and it can end up making you feel even more lonely while trying to actively make friends. Sorry for the novel.
I also work from home full time, single, live alone. Just wanted to say I see you! 👋Congratulations on pushing that comfort zone. I know this situation is so tough but sounds like you're doing great!
Im in the same situation but I lack energy to go the gym due to health issues. I have acquaintances but whenever i try to come closer theyre just not feeling it, i feel like im the only one trying to make an effort.. sad
The only way I made friends in adult life was after joining a historical reenactment society, being around a bunch of people with very similar interests and a sort of common goal (portraying medieval history) definitely helps finding friends more easily and I was fortunate that the group I joined has a lot of social gatherings through the week and encourage friendliness. Been in this society for 6 years now and it changed my life honestly, I would definitely recommend stuff like that for those who have an interest! It can also help you get interested in new hobbies too
#2 is actually so important! My ocd ruled my life till about a year ago and I’ve been in therapy doing only the things I want to desperately say NO to lol Thanks for the reminder 👻
I know some folks who are really anxious about making friends such that once they do find someone they could be friends with, they mirror the other person a lot or trauma dump because that's "the fastest way to build a connection." And then there are also people who think that friendships exist only as a means of getting something, not in a devious kind of way, but in a "this is just how the world is, right?" kind of way. Like collecting useful people and keeping them in your circle in case you need a mechanic or someone to help you move or someone who can be the social lubricant at certain events. I've just noticed that a lot of people basically have different definitions and boundaries around friendship in general and maybe it would be helpful to talk about that. Me personally, I just genuinely like interacting with people, experiencing their vibe and connecting in a platonic way where thoughts and feelings are lightly or deeply expressed and that's it. Apparently that is perplexing to some people and I think it's really interesting that different folks can have such different ideas about this.
I have trouble finding friends and I'm also autistic, so I'm aware that I am starting on the backfoot with non-autistic people rejecting me on first impressions a lot. Which is really demoralising is when you try to establish a connection and you're the only one putting in any effort or getting ghosted completely. I was told by my mom growing up that if people don't try on their own, they are not worth it. But that would end up with me never talking to anyone if I actually cut contact to people who don't reach out to me.
This video came at a really good time for me, because I've been putting an effort into making new friends these days. I'm 30, and most of my closest irl friends have moved away to other cities and even countries, so I found myself feeling very lonely and isolated. I work from home and live alone too, so it all adds up. Since last year I've been making quite a few new online friends, and I still keep my friendship with one friend I met online a decade ago and some friends who have moved away, but I was craving in person connections. I started going to this group therapy sort of thing for LGBT people in my city that started about 3 months ago. Now I"ve started frequenting the LGBT bar where the meetings are held and I'm genuinely trying my best. Most of my close friends who still live here are in the same situation as me and don't have their own friends to introduce to me, so I have to go about it the hard way, I guess. Looking forward to the other(s) video(s) in this series!
I need this and love it and also, would you ever do a video about breaking up with friendships? Sometimes I feel like you keep friends just because you've always had them and then eventually realize they're not good for you.
Hi Mickey, I noticed on your channel you promote NAMI and the suicide hotline, both of which use/support forced institutionalization. This practice harms way more people than it helps, and the data we have shows it may exacerbate suicidality. Disability rights groups, the WHO, and the UN all oppose this practice and the science we have around it shows way more people get traumatized/more suicidal from this than are helped/feel grateful later. It just teaches people to repress their feelings out of shame due to the civil penalties. Involving the police state in mental health does harm, and tons of people end up getting sexually assaulted in the process. I wrote an article about it called "The War on Suicide Is Making Things worse" and there is a book on it called "Your Consent Is Not Required." (Also NAMI used to be majority pharma funded, and still has a lot of pharma funding.)
You should be able to put FI in an advance directive so people can institutionalize you if you want that; but right now, an advance directive sometimes can't even *prevent* this from happening to you.
so far you are the top comment so their chances of seeing it are higher. I did notice a like from their account on the last video posted post-surgery. I'm also curious if you have any alternative resources?
@@user-js4dd5dc8p It depends where you live. In some places, there are peer respites. There are also some hotlines that don't call the police, but those depend on your area too. I found long ago it helps to have friends who won't institutionalize me if I don't want to be. I got way less suicidal over time as I had less need to repress my feelings. Sometimes all you need is a support system to watch over you, while keeping in mind not to put undue emotional labor on any one individual.
I went to an event alone a few years ago and a woman approached me and said "hey! are you alone too? do you wanna sit together so we don't look weird?😁" it was the perfect ice breaker, and she ended up introducing me to the local roller derby league! (I tried the same tact with another woman a different time and got a hard rebuff, so like, it doesn't always work lmao)
Thank you so so much for this video Mickey! I am currently doing online school and havent had friends for about a year (and my last friends WERE NOT friends). This helps me so much and just makes me feel not so alone. Thank you so much
Ahhh yes Mickey never misses lol. I've been dealing with some neurodivergent adult friendship woes recently and talking about stuff like this a lot in therapy...
Being in group support after divorce as I’ve settled into a supporter role as opposed to the one in the early days needing support, I’ve often encouraged people to find a thing they want to learn or do or practice that they feel makes them a better person, whatever they are interested in doing to better themselves, and use that to take up the extra time their previous relationship would have taken. I’ve said bonus points for it being something that gets them out learning or doing the thing around others who are learning or doing the thing. They can meet new people, expand their social circle in a direction that doesn’t include their ex, and they come out of it with a new or improved skill/hobby that interests them. This fits right in with going to social things alone. But maybe alone isn’t necessary at first. Maybe you can check out something new with an emotional support person, or maybe even have an emotional support person that is comfortable being a wallflower while you check out the thing, so you have a familiar face to see, but they don’t make if feel like you’ve got your circle .
As someone who’s gone almost 3 years without friends due to the pandemic and has just in the last month or so started putting herself back out there, this came at the perfect time.
I really appreciate this video. I would love if you could touch more on friendships as a chronically ill person, I am somewhat new to my limitations and feel that it is an extra barrier to friendships. Any tips for finding people who understand when your body can’t do things or when scheduling a day with energy is hard to predict?
Hey Mickey! So I just came over from FundieFridays channel since I heard the input you gave in the video and it was reliving hearing how you didn't blame victims of suicide or rape. It's nice to not come across yet another UA-cam mental health "expert" without any credintials or experience in mental health implying that I am the cause of these things through my thoughts and actions. I struggle with BPD and we get a whole variety of victim blaming due to how many comorbid diagnosises we typically have. So once again, I want to say thank you for speaking from an educated viewpoint and for educating others that we can't all pray it away.
I'm an introvert, shy, with limited social battery and social anxiety. Also as someone who's feeling the emotions around me, I need time alone to sort out what feelings belong to me and which ones don't. On Monday I'll see my "best friend" here in Germany (where I live), last time I saw him, I just checked, it was on the third of July. My "best friend" altogether lives in Paraguay (we met here in the language school as we both learned German, but she moved back to Paraguay with her German husband). We talk most of the time once in a month or sometimes less. But we both feel very strongly about one another. Hell, she helped me figure out I'm ace. To be honest, I always struggled to make friends. Already as a child. I was always aside, never belonging to any group. I felt like an alien most of my life, it's only when I was around 31 that I met a bunch of Swedish pirates who made me feel "home", made me feel like I belonged with the people around me. (so maybe they are from my planet). But I don't really feel lonely. Or rather, when I experience loneliness, it'S when I am in a group of people and I feel completely disconnected, far away from everyone around, in the wrong place. So I really love being alone at home. The best moment of my week is coming back on Friday and locking the door behind me, knowing I won't open it to anyone until next Monday. Not having to socialise, to interact with people, ... I sometimes wish I had friends to meet like every week, spend time together, ... but at the same time, I know I'd be so totally exhausted to have to deal with that on top of having to deal with social life at work. Although, it probably got worst with my second burnout. Turns out being a barkeeper on fantasy festivals isn't the best idea ever for an introvert (even if having the counter between me and people helped me, and having "a role" to guide the interactions also helped. That's how I got friends in Germany at all, they are all ex-customers.)
I hope in later parts you can also discuss how to do so with disabilities that limit being able to go out. Especially in suburban and country settings with little/no transportation I recently celebrated making new friends on minecraft/discord, but i have almost no friends i can see IRL and no idea how to make them when i cant drive and have little/no funding. Because only having online friendships is not enough long term
hey mickey! idk if u or anyone like close to u is reading this, but if u r, would u be able to share tips for consistency thru disability? for me, it’s a vicious cycle where i start to get close to someone new then i am entirely nonfunctional for like a month and then i recover and get back into that friend group to find that i’m the odd one out now.
I've been doing some of this and getting more comfortable talking to people in spite of my social anxiety (which I didn't have a name for until about 3 years ago and I have it since my teen years). I think I'm doing good. My issue is the long term. Working against my anxiety telling me I'm not interesting enough or deserving of people seeking me out too or that I should not seek them out because I'm a burden. Even though I worry much less about that lately, any advice on building lasting relationships would be awesome.
The pandemic really made this so hard. I lost all of my friends because none of them are willing to be Covid cautious and I can’t be around that. I have one friend who lives in another country I met online and I love them but I’m so lonely all the time it’s not a replacement for irl interaction. I am constantly trying to make new friends and make small talk with any poor service worker I come in contact with, but no one is willing to take Covid precautions anymore. So I’m stuck being isolated and ostracized. I haven’t hung out with a friend in years, my family are the only people around and even most of them stopped taking precautions so now I have even less people I can be around.
Same same same. i really love my online friends and they are keeping my social life active but i haven’t been hugged in years. zero in person interactions with anyone who isn’t a doctor or healthcare worker. it’s so isolating.
I'm also still taking COVID seriously (N95s or P100s at all times when outside my home, no unmasked socializing even inside my home) and it's truly depressing how few people are.
Same! I'm still masking, too. I wanted to work on developing new friendships, but masking makes it too awkward and I don't think covid is going to stop ruining everyone's immune systems (among other things) any time soon. Mickey's video is making me think more about online groups and discord though. Friendship skills get very rusty so even if nothing comes of it, at least I've knocked the rust off my social skills, you know?
I did a bunch of testing for learning disabilities and such and I was told that my processing speed is slower than average. I always have noticed that I am great with one-on-one conversations, but when multiple people are talking, pauses aren't long enough for me to process what was just said and formulate a response before someone else starts speaking, so while I do try to jump in there when I can, I end up not saying much. Also I'm just overall quiet so people speak over me. The more noisy the environment and the more people there are talking at once, worse this issue gets, and everything gets a bit overwhelming, and all the talking kinda starts to blend together and I can't follow individual conversations so I zone out. That and the fact that I tend to have resting deer-in-headlights face anyway even at the best of times means that I get asked if I'm okay a lot. I have no idea what people think, but I wouldn't be surprised if I came off as cold and aloof sometimes when really my brain is just running at the speed of my grandparents' dial up internet trying to load a flash game on the Doctor Who website in the early 2000s. I don't know if there's something that can be done about it or if I should continue to do what I currently do which is avoid hectic environments when I can and do my best to push through when I can't. IDK, maybe someone on here can relate.
I don’t have a problem finding people who want to be friends, but I clearly only attract those people who want to use me for something. So, I feel like I’m either just horrible at seeing the red flags (which I thought I was pretty good at) or people just get to know me and go “ah, so you’re not to be respected, I’ll just use you until I’m done or you set boundaries.” That being said I am an introvert and the pile of friendship failures has made it harder for me to go outside my comfort zone in irl. Through the computer, no problem 😭
I agree with all these tips. I also want to point out that you might not instantly connect with a future friend. Sometimes it takes a few meetings for the conversation to feel less forced and more natural.
I live in a very small town, I don't have any friends at all. I've made friends online but they are far away and recently they have all fallen out of touch which made me realize that they weren't really my friends at all because I was the only one talking to them but they never talked to me. It would be nice to hear from someone asking me "Hey how's it going? What have you been up to lately" instead of me ALWAYS having to say that to ones I know. I feel like nobody wants to talk to me or cares to be my friends and thus I feel incredibly lonely. Being almost 33 now, the last time I had REAL friends was in high school and now they all have their own life, friends and family and to them, I don't really exist anymore and when I see them in public they don't even want to talk to me. It's incredibly difficult to stay positive and hopeful that there are people out there who would want to be friends with me. I try to get out and put myself into situations but it's like I'm not even there, people bump into me like as if they don't even notice me. it sucks. It makes me sad knowing how lonely I really am 😔
Thank you so much for posting this. I'm dealing with several chronic health conditions and have moved between states 6 times in the last 6 years for my job . I don't currently have the spoons available to have any kind of social life, but I often wonder how I'll be able to make friends when I have spare spoons. This advice is much more helpful than advice I've been given in the past.
If you can manage to get adopted by one of your local extroverts, you'll be sitting pretty because they usually have lots of friends to introduce you to
Thank you so so so much for this. My partner and i lost about 8 "chosen family" members this year due to a smear campaign, and so we're struggling to find safe people to socialize with now. One of my best friends lives on the opposite coast of us, and the other has multiple chronic health issues that limit her spoons, and my partner was laid off last month. So this topic is super timely for us. ❤❤❤❤❤ thanks so much for the honesty ❤
When at social events, and everyone already seem to be in groups talking... I often wonder how am I supposed to go up to a group without feeling like I'm interrupting.... Or should I not and just wait till I see someone else who isn't currently in a group talking
Thank you! ❤ As a person who very much isolated herself from social life for 3 years straight, because of the shame I felt due to not applying to college, and being uncertain about my future overall, I appreciate the video. I felt like I was completely stuck, and was disgusted with myself and with what my life has become. A few months ago I finally made an effort to change my situation, and applied to the Makeup School. My first class will be on November 13th, very soon. Im excited and nervous all at once. But I am hoping to not only learn the skills, but also make some connections. Also, because of how ashamed I was, I ghosted a very close friend of mine, and I am hoping to reconnect with her, If she would give it a chance. Yeah, so, thank you for the video!❤️❤️❤️
i understand people saying post pandemic but post covid is just.. incorrect. as a immunocompromised person i cannot live like we are “post covid”. ilysm mickey but this feels bad to hear from you. it’s hard to make friends for me bc it’s hard to find people who take any covid precautions. big sigh.
I feel you ❤ I'm lucky enough not to be immunocompromised but I'm still very careful and usually the only person to wear a mask... I'm so sorry this is keeping you from making connections❤
I lost all my friendships because everyone is acting like Covid is over. Not everyone is able to be delusional some of us are stuck in this reality and everyone has decided to leave us behind. It’s so isolating and painful
Thank you for saying this, the "don't say no to things" advice is very hard to follow when every offering is maskless crowded spaces with no ventilation for multiple hours. 💀
@@Nelia2705 oh i can’t even explain how much i love people like you who aren’t immunocompromised but still careful. the world needs so many more people like you💜ty for the kind reply
@@Patchouliprince same. i recently broke up with my girlfriend because the way we live is too different. She takes no precautions and i refuse to risk my health like that. it’s so lonely. sending you good vibes💜
As someone has generally had making friends to happen organically and easily, the prospect of leaving college into this world where community and different ways to meet new people and make new friends scares the shit out of me. One of my biggest fears is being eaten alive by the dominant American culture of this atomized existence which includes only married cis hetero people. It’s such a bleak and lonely existence and I get the message from American culture a lot that if you’re not married and living in seclusion with your husband and start popping out babies, you aren’t a real adult and you’re just an immature adult trying to hold on to your youth. This video helps a lot with being reminded that there’s so much more to life post college graduation. I personally also take my cues from the lgbtq+ community because they’ve been operating outside of the bleak existence of heteronormative culture. Such an amazing community of people.
so I might be too late for the follow up video, but I was wondering if you might be able to do a video or include in part 2, good examples of like conversation flow when you're trying to make friends/get to know someone? I realised as an adult that I am autistic and it's left me with a lot of trauma and anxiety specifically with socialising in new ways/new places and I'd love some tips on how to get to know someone without being too personal right away or the opposite and not sharing enough to invite them to connect as a friend. I have adhd as well and even though I've been doing my best, sometimes I do just blurt shit out and say things that are probably TMI for someone I've just met but I also don't really get how to interact in a way that doesn't come off as too enthusiastic or overly personal because it's simply not how my brain works unfortunately and it'd be super helpful for me (and I'd assume other people with social anxiety and/or autism/adhd) if you could include some resources or guides to encourage more appropriate and positive interactions with others :)
I'm conflicted.... I desperately just want to spend time with my old friends, the people I love, the people I pay a fortune to go visit whenever I can... I don't want to replace them, I don't want MORE friends when I can't even give enough attention to the ones I've got... BUT I have been alone aside from my boyfriend in a foreign country (I'm American. I'm in the Netherlands), I don't feel like I belong in most of the groups I do find, where they are all forced to try to speak English just for me, or I simply give up on understanding what's being discussed. There are some expat things, but it seems there aren't many who are into the same things I am, or don't have kids, etc... I don't know how to find anybody who I ACTUALLY want to spend time with. I oscillate between trying, and not trying... because I'm also trying to just get out of this country and closer to ANYBODY I know. How on earth do you make friends who want to do more than hang out with their kids, or talk over coffee... I'm not in a big city and the adults around me seem so dull. ha.
As always this was so informative and genuine! In the future, can you speak more on how the current mental health crisis has exasperated and complicated this issue? For a long time, I blamed myself when friends or acquaintances cancelled plans last minute, especially after multiple unrelated individuals did this more often than we actually got to hang out. Eventually I realized this was happening because everyone in my life is burned the fuck out on top of already existing mental health stuff. I'm a lot better about it now but it makes it difficult to want to reach out because I know there's at least a 50% chance the plans are cancelled last minute, and feel like I'm just adding to the other person's stuff by either putting pressure on them (by asking. Not actually pressuring anyone) to agree to plans or them feeling guilty when they end up cancelling. Curious how you'd approach this.
I'm at the beginning stages of doing this now. i've said "yes" to every single thing i could this year. it was sooooo scary - i still really struggle with "showing up imperfectly" and i'm literally still overthinking things from prior events/worried about how i came across. but i'm hoping this will pay off in a couple of years. i'm so tired of being all alone.
I think it's super important to acknowledge the structural barriers many people face when trying to make new friends or deepen existing friendships, particularly capitalism and compulsory (hetero)sexuality/the relationship escalator. The fact that capitalism is trying to squeeze every last drop of blood from us leaves many people with no time or energy to seek out new activities. The fact that so many people get on the relationship escalator in their 20s and are then never seen without their partner (and later also kids) is also a problem. (And of course this also ties in with capitalism because of the way that's propped up by the nuclear family and the invisibilasation/devaluation of reproductive labour that facilitates.) It's not really possible to deepen friendships when you can never hang out with someone one on one.
I greatly dislike Facebook but one of the good things about it is that you can literally just look up "(city you live in) (hobby you like)" and find groups that'll welcome you and let you dip your toes in to see if you fit in the space. Sometimes they'll even have meet-ups, and you may even be able to find a video chat option in some groups (crochet and knitting have Stitch'n'Bitch calls lmao 😂 just hop on, crochet, and talk shit). I did this with my city and a group for a car I own and even though I haven't quite found the right people in the group, it still gets me out to socialize with people about a thing I'm passionate about. Its almost like a practice run for leaning to talk to strangers and put yourself out there. Also, just wanna say- most people who do group things like this are prepared for newcomers and will generally be more welcoming than we assume they will be. Public groups and even certain private groups for hobbies are there to find new people, they're expecting new people and they should be welcoming. If they are not, you'll know the group isn't for you.
I love being around people, unfortunately I can't seem to be able to find people who want to really be friends. I made the mistake of agreeing to be friends with someone I met off tinder last summer. I told them I liked them two months after we met and they said they liked me back. Two months after, they suddenly said they wanted to be friends... *over text* . They said I was "perfect on paper" and that it was not me at all. Though I didn't have a good feeling about it, I said yes anyway because I genuinely enjoyed spending time with them. Yet another two months later, they said they wanted space. We finally hung out for my birthday weekend late this spring. We had a wonderful time and I felt so happy to be reconnecting. I wasn't sure about the space thing on their end yet because I didn't bring it up when we hung out. A couple weeks later, I asked if they wanted to hang out again and they said yes. They then said they would not be able to hang out but only after I asked if they still wanted to. I asked if they wanted to see the Barbie movie and they said "it looks good" and agreed. I bumped into them at the store days before the premiere but didn't bring up the movie because I wanted to give them a chance to make a definite plan on when to see it. It wasn't until I got off of work that they said they were getting back with their ex. It really broke my heart. It was standing at the bus stop crying in the rain. They said that she saw the Polaroid of us on their fridge from my birthday weekend and some origami frogs I made and was asking who I was. They told her we met off tinder but that we were friends. They said that she felt jealous of me. They said they were telling me all that because they went to see the movie together and that it was a big deal to her. I had no reason to believe they wanted to see it with someone else. I didn't even want to see it, I just thought it would be a movie they'd like and I wanted to talk with them about our friendship because I was feeling worried. They asked if I wanted to see Oppenheimer and I said yes, but they didn't respond with a specific plan. I didn't engage with the rest of the message because I wanted to talk in person about it. I was anxious about someone I didn't know feeling jealous of me. I wanted to talk with them about our friendship too, most importantly. Next day, they retracted their statement about her being jealous. That they wanted to be sensitive to her feelings. Never once did they acknowledge that it was not right that they didn't bother to tell me that they wanted to see the movie with someone else. I would have been okay with it. We could have done something else. They said if I had any feelings for them, then we could not be friends. Okay, fair. I get it. I still wanted to talk in person because I wanted a chance to talk about how we could have a healthy friendship. They ghosted me after. They basically wanted to resolve this all over text even though they instigated the situation. The way they went about this showed me that they didn't care for my feelings. The problem really wasn't me. The problem was that I wasn't her. They settled for being friends with me then because I was "easy to hang out with". Someone to fill the void and for them to cope with their heartbreak over their breakup. Which I had no idea about. It really hurt me because I put so much effort and energy the whole time. They barely reciprocated or appreciated anything I did for them or the times I showed up when they needed support. The confusing part is that they went out of their way for me on my birthday weekend. I was surprised. It genuinely was the best birthday I've ever had. They even seemed to be dropping me signals that maybe they still liked me. I did but I didn't want to lose our friendship. I decided that they were probably just being nice. We got along so well and didn't have drama before they decided to get back with their ex. It's better that we aren't in each other's lives, but the way they cut me out like I was nothing wasn't right. They didn't have enough respect for me to just say they didn't want to continue being friends. What's awkward is that we live within a mile of each other. :/ I do still miss them. I guess next time, I need to listen to my intuition. More recently, I met someone at a potluck through a meetup group. She and I talked for a while and I was excited to meet someone new. We've hung out quite a bit and we've been having fun. I asked if she'd like to be friends. She said yes. The last time we hung out was a couple weeks ago. I felt uncomfortable and quite upset about how she seemed to think it would be easy for Palestinians to just leave Gaza within 24 hours from those leaflets Israel dropped. That she'd "find a way" and just do it. While also admitting she hasn't been keeping up with what's been going on. I myself had been following what was happening there but didn't want to bring the topic up. I felt like that conversation wouldn't be productive or go well - I was right. I was surprised she brought it up since she tends to stay away from the news. She seems to be very individualistic and very into "self" improvement. Like if people just use spiritual practices, that will fix their problems. I look at things systemically, from a sociological perspective. Not that my way is better or even right. Also not to say that there isn't any value in her practices and perspectives. I just had been realizing that our ideological frameworks are pretty fundamentally in contrast. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells when I'm around her. Like when I've talk about issues from a sociological lens, she'd just not say anything or consider some of the limitations of not looking at the impact oppressive institutions and systems have on all of us. She goes off of astrology and uses that to explain everyday things. With the other person I mentioned, I just went along with what they liked. We had some key similarities on how we saw things, but I was erasing myself in many ways. Now, I just can't fawn. I can't just go along with things and erase myself. Sociology and philosophy are both very connected to my essence and values probably in the way her spiritual and self improvement beliefs and practices are to her. Put simply, we're not compatible and that's okay. I don't really want to spend time with someone just having fun and not ever talking about social issues. That's important to me. I'm going to let her know this because friendships can't be forced. Misfortune hit me because I fell down the stairs when I got home that day which resulted in a fractured skull. :/ I was just trying to leave my neighbor's package at their door so it wouldn't get stolen. It took just one wrong step. 😩 I haven't been home in two weeks. :( Long story short: I don't trust people at this point. Where I live, at least. I want to move back home. It's just been financially challenging to do so, but that's my goal. I have great friends there who show up for me and vice versa. I try my best to connect with others and I just keep ending up hurt. There's missing context throughout and I express myself better verbally, so keep that in mind as you read about what I shared.
I am choosing not to go out this weekend because I’m also starting therapy this week again for the first time in 6 years. Don’t want to overdo it, you know 😅🙈
I started going to a book club hosted by the local library that meets once a month at a bar (though I don't drink). It makes me feel awesome about myself that I go out and have a "thing" to do, but it also makes me feel like shit because I have no idea how to make these people actual friends. lol. Baby steps, I guess. Book club is still a win for me.
that was helpful. but there's one thing that's unclear: *how* do you deepen the friendships you already have? you (and many people) just say that so simply but i don't really know what it means. what can you do to deepen a friendship? i would love answers from mickey or anyone
I tried the Try New Things approach before. I took a watercolour class for example. But I found it really difficult to take the (few) interactions I had in class outside of it. Because it felt weird to ask others "out for coffee" and they usually had places to be and things to do.
I am in a different country right now (have been for 3 month, leaving in two). I know some people here that I met because they are connected to my friends in my hometown and kind of "took me in" when it comes to political work. I am not really close to them and they are also a lot older than I am (I'm 20). I went to some events in the city I live in, also talked to some people, but I find people in my age to be very hard to approach (also with not speaking the lenguage, although everyone knows english). I watched this video half way through, then close it when you were talking about joining hobby groups, saying out loud "I don't think I need friends, I can go like this for another two month". Then I laughed at myself, came back and finished the video. Still scared though :)
So... I just moved from brazil to france and I'm here because I dont understand why making friends is hard 😅 Seriously, people have zero initiative to get to know people. I know it's a cultural thing, but it's been tough to navigate because it makes no sense to me. Adults in latin America in general just are always open to meet new people and happy to do so, at least as far as I know.
Yes a big difference between Latino culture and Europe - besides the balkans the y are like little Latin America - you should visit them when you can!! ❤
the consistency is gonna be the death of me. i find it really difficult to commit to things because my social battery is so embarrassingly limited. i usually just end up not replying to texts and ghosting people
"Do not do the thing where you only socialize with people's pets"
I feel simultaneously seen and thoroughly CALLED OUT.
Hard same 😂
I do that with pets and kids.
I busted out laughing because, yeah, that's me....if there's a dog, I'm hanging out with it all night!
@@ReubenRovak Relatable! That's absolutely me. 😆
This is also me, with kids and pets as well. I go straight to them and only spend like 20% with the adults. Of course I always also go for the food lol
Joining a D&D campaign a year ago was like the best choice I've made in a long time. I had wanted to play a campaign with a group of people for a long time, but none of my friends wanted to play, and instead of trying to convince all of my friends into it, I decided to just ask people at my local game shop that were already into it, if they had room for another player. Best decision I've ever made, not only did I make new friends, but an old acquaintance was also a part of the group and we became good friends after the past year. Go get you an in person hobby y'all. Highly recommend.
Damn, this hits so close to home! Maybe finally I should go to my local game shop and ask...
So happy for you reading this! Super awesome that you found yourself some good eggs 💚
@@Molscheira you can do it! I was so scared going in but Well worth every second of anxiety. Everyone ended up being very nice and accepting and were very excited to have another player at the table. I'd recommend asking if the game shop knows if there's any campaigns that are looking for more players and just see what they say and if they don't have any answers for you just go around and ask if anybody is going to be starting a new campaign anytime soon and if there's room for another player I hope you have success in all your future roles!
I want to +1 this so much! I did an exchange year when I was 17 and after a couple months I had met people and made friends but they were more like acquaintances that you attend lessons with than actual friends. Than I went on a trip with my Maths class and other Maths classes and got introduced to this person who was part of the D&D club in the school. Ended up messaging him asking if I could join them, he was super open to that and the people in that group became some of my best friends of the year, we still talk online and I love them so much. In person RPGs have done so much for me!!
@@AWindy94 I honestly went online to check what's all available in my area and was super surprised how many game stores there are!
Thank you so much for answering me, I'm still a bit hesitant and shy but this exchange really gave me the boost I needed 💚 ty Internet stranger!
@@ingridplata2411 oh darn I guess now I have to go do it 😄
Super happy for you finding these lovely people!
I reluctantly accepted an invite to Triva after a really crappy day at work. Ended up meeting my husband! 😁
As someone who has had three extremely close friends gaslight me and write me out of their lives this year, this feels like perfect timing. I’m really trying not to close myself off to potential future friendships but the pain is so fresh.
I’ve experienced something similar and I really feel for you ❤️🩹I hope that as you move through that pain and grief that new chapters open safely and easily. It sucks big; you can do this, one day at a time
That is rough, I had someone destroy a friendship (several actually) that pre existed both of us knowing this toxic person. This was more than 10 years ago and it still affects how I approach new friendships.
Yeah, I went through something similar last year. I did a lot of loving kindness meditations to help counter the anti-social tendencies I had afterward. I wish you the best of luck in the healing process.
I lost my friends they weren’t there for me at all it’s sad I understand
I just went to a kickback/party with my partner’s friends. I felt like I was able to talk to people one on one easier, but it was still hard to find things to talk about. When the conversation would “open up” to multiple people I would go quiet and pet the dogs. It’s so hard to butt in the conversation when i never know what to say :/
I think my biggest problem is RSD, it always seems like the other person either has all the friends they can handle or is looking to be a leech. Also my brain will tell me they don’t really like me, especially if they’re late (like 30min+) for plans or don’t reliably text back. It’s mostly in my head, and when it’s not, it’s that they have too busy a life to include me for real.
Yeah, people not responding is my biggest issue. I get that people are busy and I am also frequently too busy to do something, but at least people could take the 10 seconds it takes to text back how they're doing. I feel like asking for basic courtesy is already too much to handle for most people.
@@SemiIocon @autumnmoonfire3944 It doesn't sound like it's in your head. A lot of us, especially with ADHD, can struggle with time management, but being significantly late (not counting emergencies or other circumstances out of a person's control) or just ignoring messages is legitimately rude. People are just valuing others less and less, making more excuses as to why it's supposedly ok to disregard and disrespect them. And having a natural emotional response, or drawing boundaries/holding people accountable is then pathologized.
“Looking to be a leech” oof.
In the last year or two, my partner and I have gotten to be friends with several people only to realize that they were just using us for resources. We’ve had multiple distinct instances of people completely dropping us the second they don’t need anything from us anymore, and that shit hurts bad. We’re not even particularly wealthy, but we’re both generous toward people we care about, and it seems like people can see that and exploit it. It sucks, but I’m worried I’m going to reach a point where I’m going to have to start refusing friends when they need things categorically
I hate when they make excuses like, “that’s just how I am.” It’s always religious people to that are the most hurtful so I stay away from them 🤷♀️ but it would be great to have a friend that I can talk to about our interests
Hi Mickey! A UA-camr named Elliot Sang just posted a video about the lack of “third places” which is those community places you talked about around 12:00. It’s an awesome video and I highly recommend!
Yes! Elliot's video is a great recommendation. The channel Andrewism also recently posted a video about third places.
The hardest part i have found as someone who is in sober and in recovery so much of my previous life with friends centered around drinking in some way (ie drinks before dinner, basically any group function. I lived a life before i ever drank alcohol. My parents were alcoholics. So i stayed away till i was 22. Unfortunately it snuck up on me regardless. It is a bitch. Anyway to anyone in recovery there is hope to make friends and still be able to do all these social functions. I have been sober for over 3 yeara and it am still figuring it out. Lol
The largest struggle I have had with making new friends is how normalized hateful rhetoric has become in casual conversations. In the last 5 years, I have rarely had a conversation that didn't include transphobia, homophobia, and racism and I can not morally compromise myself to "deepen" those friendships because I rather not maintain relations with people like that at all. When I meet new people, the same problem persists. I just have been discouraged of trying to make friends in a rural setting.
maybe try volunteering for a political campaign/event? or joining a group specifically for queer people?
@@knjparadise that doesn't exist in my community. I was a part of an activism movement when I moved to this community I have criticisms of today of. The community I live in is not a safe one for BIPOC trans queers. If I was to share my political views I would be considered a radical extremist so I do not talk to that with just anyone.
6:30 "to unlearn the attitude of shame." I love when you say things like this. 💖 This unlearning shame, and learning self advocacy and self respect, are exactly what I've spent my adulthood doing. Excellent reminder and encouragement.
7:25 "If there is a hobby you have an interest in.."
My ADHD: "HOBBY?! WHERE?!?"
This socially awkward, neurodivergent, ca/csa and cult survivor thanks you! This is a great primer.
you hair is so fun! This color looks great on you
I am very positive about making friends and am not nervous about it.... my shortcoming is recognizing when someone actually is a friend and a trustworthy person. (weary)
S a m e
I think the main thing with that is to stay present and trust your feelings. It takes a while to build trust and friendship. Like with dating, you have to get to know each other for a while before you decided to have a deeper relationship.
If you have trouble with one of you shifting and not being a good friend anymore, did one of you come on very strong in the beginning and fake a deep connection? That gets muddy since one friend would feel very close and the other might feel very far since the trust wasn’t built mutually.
Even though it's really really hard, it's important to recognize your own pace and bandwidth. I moved to a new town over a year ago (as a result of a lot of changes, with a lot of accompanying stressors), and I felt frustrated for a long time with the process of trying to meet people and make friends. I came to realize, though, it just takes me a lot of time, over the course of a long period of time, to get to know and trust people. I have started to make closer friendships, after 18 months here, but for over a year, most of my friendly interactions were just small talk on the street or in the grocery store, saying hi to my neighbors, which slowly grew into getting to know a few people by talking for a bit longer when we ran into one another on a walk or at school pickup for our kids.
It reminds me of an old friend from the military. We would go out partying and his whole shtick was getting laid...it was his one in only goal in life. Where as I just wanted to go out and get drunk and have a good time so I could forget about the Navy. used to tell him wreaked of desperation and that people just want to be around someone who is authentic and fun for fun sakes....he never got any one to go with him ever. I would always just keep to myself and try to keep my social anxiety in check...watch whatever movie is on at the bar type stuff. Someone would always inevitably approach me whether it was a woman who was interested in me or just some random dude that just sparks up a conversation with me. It always stuck with me that being yourself and not trying to force something is really all you can do...any time I ever did it another way it bit me in the ass.
For me it's been hard to find compatibility in frequency of contact/connection. In the last year and since starting therapy, I became aware that in all of my relationships I was the one putting in the most effort to stay connected. Mostly because I needed more frequent contact than any other person in my life did. So I kinda stopped reaching out as often, trying to adjust a little to their schedule so that I don't end up feeling like I'm the only one keeping the relationship going.
Since then, I've had a lot of trouble finding people that need the same things I do from their relationships. I don't really have social anxiety and though introverted, I can strike up a conversation with just about anyone at any time. So the issue for me is more in developing and then maintaining the kind of deeper connection I crave. Haven't had a lot of luck with that, honestly.
I have stopped trying for a few months because I was starting to feel really disheartened that I couldn't find a true and lasting connection with anyone. The people I encountered seemed to be too busy to dedicate the time and effort needed to create those relationships so I had to take a break from trying. It was making me even more lonely to really try and not find anyone I clicked with.
Maaaaan, you’ve just described my life in the past 3 years. I feel you man, sometimes it feels like we just expect too much from people, that maybe we are the ones at fault. But the truth is that there’s nothing wrong with needing more contact with friends than other people do. I recommend you try to find friends amongst your neighbors, people within close proximity to you. This way, you can have easier access to them, and they to you, without either of you having to travel to see each other. You will also most likely have more things to talk about because you share a space.
I do think making friends as a post uni going adult is difficult and ive struggled a bit more having left the faith i was part of for years. Its a different level of isolation i think.
Hi. What is post uni? I, myself, am ex-mormon. I understand the isolation after leaving a faith.
Im british sorry uni is university, its like collage for you in america 😀@@unicorntamer2207
@@unicorntamer2207post uni means post university
@@snakelegendary5602 Oh, duh! Thank you. I feel silly now.
Honestly
It's refreshing for me to watch a video of yours that isn't "dunking"
i’m going to a special mixer on halloween, my first social event in probably 5 years or so. this video is making feel a lot better about going and hopefully making some friends! :)
I was just thinking (read: having a whole moment), seriously earlier today, about how much I'm struggling with making friends as an adult and finding community and this video pops up on my recommendations. It's so easy to feel like you're the only one who's dealing with this. THANK you for making this video and can't wait for part 2!!!
It's really hard when you not only move halfway across a huge country to a province where no one is itinerant and everyone has family, but also you have multiple chronic illnesses and can't even go tour a war memorial with a good hearted colleague let alone get to know the city or, you know, meet people.
I love this! It was so hard for me but after covid lockdowns and a health scare that i thought might kill me, I've finally learned to be vulnerable and have made more friends the past year than i have since grade school! This includes befriending people who have been acquaintances for years and going to meet ups to meet totally new people. It's not easy, sometimes it's very cringe, and sometimes you get rejected. But it's soooo worth it and i realized how much others really want to make friends and struggle with it also. When I put myself out there, a lot of people respond way more enthusiastically than i ever expected.
I appreciate this video so much! Since Covid, my job has become 100% work from home. I am single and live alone. So, sometimes I go day's without seeing or talking to anyone. I recently joined the gym and I am taking a few hobby courses. It's fun, but like you said, often people come in pairs or groups, and it can end up making you feel even more lonely while trying to actively make friends. Sorry for the novel.
I also work from home full time, single, live alone. Just wanted to say I see you! 👋Congratulations on pushing that comfort zone. I know this situation is so tough but sounds like you're doing great!
Im in the same situation but I lack energy to go the gym due to health issues. I have acquaintances but whenever i try to come closer theyre just not feeling it, i feel like im the only one trying to make an effort.. sad
The only way I made friends in adult life was after joining a historical reenactment society, being around a bunch of people with very similar interests and a sort of common goal (portraying medieval history) definitely helps finding friends more easily and I was fortunate that the group I joined has a lot of social gatherings through the week and encourage friendliness. Been in this society for 6 years now and it changed my life honestly, I would definitely recommend stuff like that for those who have an interest! It can also help you get interested in new hobbies too
#2 is actually so important!
My ocd ruled my life till about a year ago and I’ve been in therapy doing only the things I want to desperately say NO to lol
Thanks for the reminder 👻
I know some folks who are really anxious about making friends such that once they do find someone they could be friends with, they mirror the other person a lot or trauma dump because that's "the fastest way to build a connection." And then there are also people who think that friendships exist only as a means of getting something, not in a devious kind of way, but in a "this is just how the world is, right?" kind of way. Like collecting useful people and keeping them in your circle in case you need a mechanic or someone to help you move or someone who can be the social lubricant at certain events. I've just noticed that a lot of people basically have different definitions and boundaries around friendship in general and maybe it would be helpful to talk about that.
Me personally, I just genuinely like interacting with people, experiencing their vibe and connecting in a platonic way where thoughts and feelings are lightly or deeply expressed and that's it. Apparently that is perplexing to some people and I think it's really interesting that different folks can have such different ideas about this.
ive been binging the pod , love it so much 🥹🥹🥹wishing a speedy recovery❤❤
I have trouble finding friends and I'm also autistic, so I'm aware that I am starting on the backfoot with non-autistic people rejecting me on first impressions a lot. Which is really demoralising is when you try to establish a connection and you're the only one putting in any effort or getting ghosted completely. I was told by my mom growing up that if people don't try on their own, they are not worth it. But that would end up with me never talking to anyone if I actually cut contact to people who don't reach out to me.
This video came at a really good time for me, because I've been putting an effort into making new friends these days. I'm 30, and most of my closest irl friends have moved away to other cities and even countries, so I found myself feeling very lonely and isolated. I work from home and live alone too, so it all adds up. Since last year I've been making quite a few new online friends, and I still keep my friendship with one friend I met online a decade ago and some friends who have moved away, but I was craving in person connections. I started going to this group therapy sort of thing for LGBT people in my city that started about 3 months ago. Now I"ve started frequenting the LGBT bar where the meetings are held and I'm genuinely trying my best. Most of my close friends who still live here are in the same situation as me and don't have their own friends to introduce to me, so I have to go about it the hard way, I guess.
Looking forward to the other(s) video(s) in this series!
I need this and love it and also, would you ever do a video about breaking up with friendships? Sometimes I feel like you keep friends just because you've always had them and then eventually realize they're not good for you.
Hi Mickey, I noticed on your channel you promote NAMI and the suicide hotline, both of which use/support forced institutionalization. This practice harms way more people than it helps, and the data we have shows it may exacerbate suicidality. Disability rights groups, the WHO, and the UN all oppose this practice and the science we have around it shows way more people get traumatized/more suicidal from this than are helped/feel grateful later. It just teaches people to repress their feelings out of shame due to the civil penalties. Involving the police state in mental health does harm, and tons of people end up getting sexually assaulted in the process. I wrote an article about it called "The War on Suicide Is Making Things worse" and there is a book on it called "Your Consent Is Not Required." (Also NAMI used to be majority pharma funded, and still has a lot of pharma funding.)
Good to know! Mickeys recovering from surgery so I wonder if there's an email you can send this too to increase her chances of seeing it
@@rainbowwwkim I was considering it but idk if I can send it to her email. I think it's for business inquiries only
You should be able to put FI in an advance directive so people can institutionalize you if you want that; but right now, an advance directive sometimes can't even *prevent* this from happening to you.
so far you are the top comment so their chances of seeing it are higher. I did notice a like from their account on the last video posted post-surgery. I'm also curious if you have any alternative resources?
@@user-js4dd5dc8p It depends where you live. In some places, there are peer respites. There are also some hotlines that don't call the police, but those depend on your area too. I found long ago it helps to have friends who won't institutionalize me if I don't want to be. I got way less suicidal over time as I had less need to repress my feelings. Sometimes all you need is a support system to watch over you, while keeping in mind not to put undue emotional labor on any one individual.
I went to an event alone a few years ago and a woman approached me and said "hey! are you alone too? do you wanna sit together so we don't look weird?😁" it was the perfect ice breaker, and she ended up introducing me to the local roller derby league! (I tried the same tact with another woman a different time and got a hard rebuff, so like, it doesn't always work lmao)
Thank you so so much for this video Mickey! I am currently doing online school and havent had friends for about a year (and my last friends WERE NOT friends). This helps me so much and just makes me feel not so alone. Thank you so much
Ahhh yes Mickey never misses lol. I've been dealing with some neurodivergent adult friendship woes recently and talking about stuff like this a lot in therapy...
Being in group support after divorce as I’ve settled into a supporter role as opposed to the one in the early days needing support, I’ve often encouraged people to find a thing they want to learn or do or practice that they feel makes them a better person, whatever they are interested in doing to better themselves, and use that to take up the extra time their previous relationship would have taken. I’ve said bonus points for it being something that gets them out learning or doing the thing around others who are learning or doing the thing. They can meet new people, expand their social circle in a direction that doesn’t include their ex, and they come out of it with a new or improved skill/hobby that interests them.
This fits right in with going to social things alone. But maybe alone isn’t necessary at first. Maybe you can check out something new with an emotional support person, or maybe even have an emotional support person that is comfortable being a wallflower while you check out the thing, so you have a familiar face to see, but they don’t make if feel like you’ve got your circle .
As someone who’s gone almost 3 years without friends due to the pandemic and has just in the last month or so started putting herself back out there, this came at the perfect time.
I really appreciate this video. I would love if you could touch more on friendships as a chronically ill person, I am somewhat new to my limitations and feel that it is an extra barrier to friendships. Any tips for finding people who understand when your body can’t do things or when scheduling a day with energy is hard to predict?
I tried a bunch of Meetup groups before meeting the group that became my friend group.
Hey Mickey! So I just came over from FundieFridays channel since I heard the input you gave in the video and it was reliving hearing how you didn't blame victims of suicide or rape. It's nice to not come across yet another UA-cam mental health "expert" without any credintials or experience in mental health implying that I am the cause of these things through my thoughts and actions. I struggle with BPD and we get a whole variety of victim blaming due to how many comorbid diagnosises we typically have. So once again, I want to say thank you for speaking from an educated viewpoint and for educating others that we can't all pray it away.
I'm an introvert, shy, with limited social battery and social anxiety. Also as someone who's feeling the emotions around me, I need time alone to sort out what feelings belong to me and which ones don't.
On Monday I'll see my "best friend" here in Germany (where I live), last time I saw him, I just checked, it was on the third of July. My "best friend" altogether lives in Paraguay (we met here in the language school as we both learned German, but she moved back to Paraguay with her German husband). We talk most of the time once in a month or sometimes less. But we both feel very strongly about one another. Hell, she helped me figure out I'm ace.
To be honest, I always struggled to make friends. Already as a child. I was always aside, never belonging to any group. I felt like an alien most of my life, it's only when I was around 31 that I met a bunch of Swedish pirates who made me feel "home", made me feel like I belonged with the people around me. (so maybe they are from my planet).
But I don't really feel lonely. Or rather, when I experience loneliness, it'S when I am in a group of people and I feel completely disconnected, far away from everyone around, in the wrong place. So I really love being alone at home. The best moment of my week is coming back on Friday and locking the door behind me, knowing I won't open it to anyone until next Monday. Not having to socialise, to interact with people, ...
I sometimes wish I had friends to meet like every week, spend time together, ... but at the same time, I know I'd be so totally exhausted to have to deal with that on top of having to deal with social life at work.
Although, it probably got worst with my second burnout. Turns out being a barkeeper on fantasy festivals isn't the best idea ever for an introvert (even if having the counter between me and people helped me, and having "a role" to guide the interactions also helped. That's how I got friends in Germany at all, they are all ex-customers.)
Are you an INFJ or INFP? 😭
I started volunteering about a month ago partly for ocd exposures and partly for a friend-finding opportunity
I hope in later parts you can also discuss how to do so with disabilities that limit being able to go out. Especially in suburban and country settings with little/no transportation
I recently celebrated making new friends on minecraft/discord, but i have almost no friends i can see IRL and no idea how to make them when i cant drive and have little/no funding. Because only having online friendships is not enough long term
this came at the right time, i feel so alone rn 😢
Not the point but i love your set so much! The art is so fun
Why is this what i need to hear now lol
Im really trying hard to make friends with my coworkers :) so wish me luck
hey mickey! idk if u or anyone like close to u is reading this, but if u r, would u be able to share tips for consistency thru disability? for me, it’s a vicious cycle where i start to get close to someone new then i am entirely nonfunctional for like a month and then i recover and get back into that friend group to find that i’m the odd one out now.
I've been thinking about this for a while, thank you for making this video!
Can I suggest part 3: maintaining friendships
I've been doing some of this and getting more comfortable talking to people in spite of my social anxiety (which I didn't have a name for until about 3 years ago and I have it since my teen years). I think I'm doing good. My issue is the long term. Working against my anxiety telling me I'm not interesting enough or deserving of people seeking me out too or that I should not seek them out because I'm a burden. Even though I worry much less about that lately, any advice on building lasting relationships would be awesome.
The pandemic really made this so hard. I lost all of my friends because none of them are willing to be Covid cautious and I can’t be around that. I have one friend who lives in another country I met online and I love them but I’m so lonely all the time it’s not a replacement for irl interaction. I am constantly trying to make new friends and make small talk with any poor service worker I come in contact with, but no one is willing to take Covid precautions anymore. So I’m stuck being isolated and ostracized. I haven’t hung out with a friend in years, my family are the only people around and even most of them stopped taking precautions so now I have even less people I can be around.
Yeah, I'd love to invite folks over to eat snacks and watch movies, but only one peer can be bothered to wear a mask. 💀
Same omg… i hate that people are pretending that covid is over
Same same same. i really love my online friends and they are keeping my social life active but i haven’t been hugged in years. zero in person interactions with anyone who isn’t a doctor or healthcare worker. it’s so isolating.
I'm also still taking COVID seriously (N95s or P100s at all times when outside my home, no unmasked socializing even inside my home) and it's truly depressing how few people are.
Same! I'm still masking, too. I wanted to work on developing new friendships, but masking makes it too awkward and I don't think covid is going to stop ruining everyone's immune systems (among other things) any time soon. Mickey's video is making me think more about online groups and discord though. Friendship skills get very rusty so even if nothing comes of it, at least I've knocked the rust off my social skills, you know?
I did a bunch of testing for learning disabilities and such and I was told that my processing speed is slower than average. I always have noticed that I am great with one-on-one conversations, but when multiple people are talking, pauses aren't long enough for me to process what was just said and formulate a response before someone else starts speaking, so while I do try to jump in there when I can, I end up not saying much. Also I'm just overall quiet so people speak over me. The more noisy the environment and the more people there are talking at once, worse this issue gets, and everything gets a bit overwhelming, and all the talking kinda starts to blend together and I can't follow individual conversations so I zone out. That and the fact that I tend to have resting deer-in-headlights face anyway even at the best of times means that I get asked if I'm okay a lot. I have no idea what people think, but I wouldn't be surprised if I came off as cold and aloof sometimes when really my brain is just running at the speed of my grandparents' dial up internet trying to load a flash game on the Doctor Who website in the early 2000s.
I don't know if there's something that can be done about it or if I should continue to do what I currently do which is avoid hectic environments when I can and do my best to push through when I can't. IDK, maybe someone on here can relate.
I don’t have a problem finding people who want to be friends, but I clearly only attract those people who want to use me for something. So, I feel like I’m either just horrible at seeing the red flags (which I thought I was pretty good at) or people just get to know me and go “ah, so you’re not to be respected, I’ll just use you until I’m done or you set boundaries.”
That being said I am an introvert and the pile of friendship failures has made it harder for me to go outside my comfort zone in irl. Through the computer, no problem 😭
I agree with all these tips. I also want to point out that you might not instantly connect with a future friend. Sometimes it takes a few meetings for the conversation to feel less forced and more natural.
I’m going to implement your advice in this year. Wish me luck!
thank you so much for this
I live in a very small town, I don't have any friends at all. I've made friends online but they are far away and recently they have all fallen out of touch which made me realize that they weren't really my friends at all because I was the only one talking to them but they never talked to me. It would be nice to hear from someone asking me "Hey how's it going? What have you been up to lately" instead of me ALWAYS having to say that to ones I know. I feel like nobody wants to talk to me or cares to be my friends and thus I feel incredibly lonely. Being almost 33 now, the last time I had REAL friends was in high school and now they all have their own life, friends and family and to them, I don't really exist anymore and when I see them in public they don't even want to talk to me. It's incredibly difficult to stay positive and hopeful that there are people out there who would want to be friends with me. I try to get out and put myself into situations but it's like I'm not even there, people bump into me like as if they don't even notice me. it sucks. It makes me sad knowing how lonely I really am 😔
Thank you so much for posting this. I'm dealing with several chronic health conditions and have moved between states 6 times in the last 6 years for my job . I don't currently have the spoons available to have any kind of social life, but I often wonder how I'll be able to make friends when I have spare spoons. This advice is much more helpful than advice I've been given in the past.
Great video, solid advice that's much needed in our modern, lonely society!
If you can manage to get adopted by one of your local extroverts, you'll be sitting pretty because they usually have lots of friends to introduce you to
Thank you so so so much for this. My partner and i lost about 8 "chosen family" members this year due to a smear campaign, and so we're struggling to find safe people to socialize with now. One of my best friends lives on the opposite coast of us, and the other has multiple chronic health issues that limit her spoons, and my partner was laid off last month. So this topic is super timely for us. ❤❤❤❤❤ thanks so much for the honesty ❤
When at social events, and everyone already seem to be in groups talking... I often wonder how am I supposed to go up to a group without feeling like I'm interrupting.... Or should I not and just wait till I see someone else who isn't currently in a group talking
Thank you! ❤
As a person who very much isolated herself from social life for 3 years straight, because of the shame I felt due to not applying to college, and being uncertain about my future overall, I appreciate the video. I felt like I was completely stuck, and was disgusted with myself and with what my life has become. A few months ago I finally made an effort to change my situation, and applied to the Makeup School. My first class will be on November 13th, very soon. Im excited and nervous all at once. But I am hoping to not only learn the skills, but also make some connections. Also, because of how ashamed I was, I ghosted a very close friend of mine, and I am hoping to reconnect with her, If she would give it a chance.
Yeah, so, thank you for the video!❤️❤️❤️
Thanks for this video. I struggle making friends, due to trust issues. Looking forward to part 2.
Love you so much, Mick!
i understand people saying post pandemic but post covid is just.. incorrect. as a immunocompromised person i cannot live like we are “post covid”. ilysm mickey but this feels bad to hear from you. it’s hard to make friends for me bc it’s hard to find people who take any covid precautions. big sigh.
I feel you ❤ I'm lucky enough not to be immunocompromised but I'm still very careful and usually the only person to wear a mask...
I'm so sorry this is keeping you from making connections❤
I lost all my friendships because everyone is acting like Covid is over. Not everyone is able to be delusional some of us are stuck in this reality and everyone has decided to leave us behind. It’s so isolating and painful
Thank you for saying this, the "don't say no to things" advice is very hard to follow when every offering is maskless crowded spaces with no ventilation for multiple hours. 💀
@@Nelia2705 oh i can’t even explain how much i love people like you who aren’t immunocompromised but still careful. the world needs so many more people like you💜ty for the kind reply
@@Patchouliprince same. i recently broke up with my girlfriend because the way we live is too different. She takes no precautions and i refuse to risk my health like that. it’s so lonely. sending you good vibes💜
I guess I needed to hear this - thank you ❤
I'm so excited for this episode. I'm currently working to learn crochet so I can join some fiber craft meetup groups
saw this and was excited to get some much needed advice and now after listening my introvert brain is going hmph! lol
This is an amazing subject to discuss. I might need these tips as I’m moving away really soon.
As someone has generally had making friends to happen organically and easily, the prospect of leaving college into this world where community and different ways to meet new people and make new friends scares the shit out of me. One of my biggest fears is being eaten alive by the dominant American culture of this atomized existence which includes only married cis hetero people. It’s such a bleak and lonely existence and I get the message from American culture a lot that if you’re not married and living in seclusion with your husband and start popping out babies, you aren’t a real adult and you’re just an immature adult trying to hold on to your youth. This video helps a lot with being reminded that there’s so much more to life post college graduation. I personally also take my cues from the lgbtq+ community because they’ve been operating outside of the bleak existence of heteronormative culture. Such an amazing community of people.
so I might be too late for the follow up video, but I was wondering if you might be able to do a video or include in part 2, good examples of like conversation flow when you're trying to make friends/get to know someone?
I realised as an adult that I am autistic and it's left me with a lot of trauma and anxiety specifically with socialising in new ways/new places and I'd love some tips on how to get to know someone without being too personal right away or the opposite and not sharing enough to invite them to connect as a friend. I have adhd as well and even though I've been doing my best, sometimes I do just blurt shit out and say things that are probably TMI for someone I've just met but I also don't really get how to interact in a way that doesn't come off as too enthusiastic or overly personal because it's simply not how my brain works unfortunately and it'd be super helpful for me (and I'd assume other people with social anxiety and/or autism/adhd) if you could include some resources or guides to encourage more appropriate and positive interactions with others :)
I love this video ! Thank you
I'm conflicted.... I desperately just want to spend time with my old friends, the people I love, the people I pay a fortune to go visit whenever I can... I don't want to replace them, I don't want MORE friends when I can't even give enough attention to the ones I've got... BUT I have been alone aside from my boyfriend in a foreign country (I'm American. I'm in the Netherlands), I don't feel like I belong in most of the groups I do find, where they are all forced to try to speak English just for me, or I simply give up on understanding what's being discussed. There are some expat things, but it seems there aren't many who are into the same things I am, or don't have kids, etc... I don't know how to find anybody who I ACTUALLY want to spend time with. I oscillate between trying, and not trying... because I'm also trying to just get out of this country and closer to ANYBODY I know. How on earth do you make friends who want to do more than hang out with their kids, or talk over coffee... I'm not in a big city and the adults around me seem so dull. ha.
WAIT MICKEY WHERE IS THE SWEATER FROM I NEED IT
Thanks Mickey! I'll be going to a new school soon, and I'm a bit worried. Even though I'm a kid, I'm sure a few things can help❤
Also first.
Great video! Can't wait for part 2!
I so needed this video today thank you
Thank you Mickey! This was informative, I hope you’re recovering well! 🩷🩷
This is really helpful and encouraging. Thanks!
As always this was so informative and genuine!
In the future, can you speak more on how the current mental health crisis has exasperated and complicated this issue? For a long time, I blamed myself when friends or acquaintances cancelled plans last minute, especially after multiple unrelated individuals did this more often than we actually got to hang out. Eventually I realized this was happening because everyone in my life is burned the fuck out on top of already existing mental health stuff. I'm a lot better about it now but it makes it difficult to want to reach out because I know there's at least a 50% chance the plans are cancelled last minute, and feel like I'm just adding to the other person's stuff by either putting pressure on them (by asking. Not actually pressuring anyone) to agree to plans or them feeling guilty when they end up cancelling. Curious how you'd approach this.
On the flip side, if you see someone else paying attention to the pets it's a good starting point for the awkward animal people to meet each other!
I'm at the beginning stages of doing this now. i've said "yes" to every single thing i could this year. it was sooooo scary - i still really struggle with "showing up imperfectly" and i'm literally still overthinking things from prior events/worried about how i came across. but i'm hoping this will pay off in a couple of years. i'm so tired of being all alone.
I think it's super important to acknowledge the structural barriers many people face when trying to make new friends or deepen existing friendships, particularly capitalism and compulsory (hetero)sexuality/the relationship escalator. The fact that capitalism is trying to squeeze every last drop of blood from us leaves many people with no time or energy to seek out new activities. The fact that so many people get on the relationship escalator in their 20s and are then never seen without their partner (and later also kids) is also a problem. (And of course this also ties in with capitalism because of the way that's propped up by the nuclear family and the invisibilasation/devaluation of reproductive labour that facilitates.) It's not really possible to deepen friendships when you can never hang out with someone one on one.
I greatly dislike Facebook but one of the good things about it is that you can literally just look up "(city you live in) (hobby you like)" and find groups that'll welcome you and let you dip your toes in to see if you fit in the space. Sometimes they'll even have meet-ups, and you may even be able to find a video chat option in some groups (crochet and knitting have Stitch'n'Bitch calls lmao 😂 just hop on, crochet, and talk shit). I did this with my city and a group for a car I own and even though I haven't quite found the right people in the group, it still gets me out to socialize with people about a thing I'm passionate about. Its almost like a practice run for leaning to talk to strangers and put yourself out there.
Also, just wanna say- most people who do group things like this are prepared for newcomers and will generally be more welcoming than we assume they will be. Public groups and even certain private groups for hobbies are there to find new people, they're expecting new people and they should be welcoming. If they are not, you'll know the group isn't for you.
this is actually super great advice❤❤ than you
I love being around people, unfortunately I can't seem to be able to find people who want to really be friends.
I made the mistake of agreeing to be friends with someone I met off tinder last summer. I told them I liked them two months after we met and they said they liked me back. Two months after, they suddenly said they wanted to be friends... *over text* . They said I was "perfect on paper" and that it was not me at all. Though I didn't have a good feeling about it, I said yes anyway because I genuinely enjoyed spending time with them. Yet another two months later, they said they wanted space. We finally hung out for my birthday weekend late this spring. We had a wonderful time and I felt so happy to be reconnecting. I wasn't sure about the space thing on their end yet because I didn't bring it up when we hung out. A couple weeks later, I asked if they wanted to hang out again and they said yes. They then said they would not be able to hang out but only after I asked if they still wanted to. I asked if they wanted to see the Barbie movie and they said "it looks good" and agreed. I bumped into them at the store days before the premiere but didn't bring up the movie because I wanted to give them a chance to make a definite plan on when to see it. It wasn't until I got off of work that they said they were getting back with their ex. It really broke my heart. It was standing at the bus stop crying in the rain. They said that she saw the Polaroid of us on their fridge from my birthday weekend and some origami frogs I made and was asking who I was. They told her we met off tinder but that we were friends. They said that she felt jealous of me. They said they were telling me all that because they went to see the movie together and that it was a big deal to her. I had no reason to believe they wanted to see it with someone else. I didn't even want to see it, I just thought it would be a movie they'd like and I wanted to talk with them about our friendship because I was feeling worried. They asked if I wanted to see Oppenheimer and I said yes, but they didn't respond with a specific plan. I didn't engage with the rest of the message because I wanted to talk in person about it. I was anxious about someone I didn't know feeling jealous of me. I wanted to talk with them about our friendship too, most importantly. Next day, they retracted their statement about her being jealous. That they wanted to be sensitive to her feelings. Never once did they acknowledge that it was not right that they didn't bother to tell me that they wanted to see the movie with someone else. I would have been okay with it. We could have done something else. They said if I had any feelings for them, then we could not be friends. Okay, fair. I get it. I still wanted to talk in person because I wanted a chance to talk about how we could have a healthy friendship. They ghosted me after. They basically wanted to resolve this all over text even though they instigated the situation. The way they went about this showed me that they didn't care for my feelings. The problem really wasn't me. The problem was that I wasn't her. They settled for being friends with me then because I was "easy to hang out with". Someone to fill the void and for them to cope with their heartbreak over their breakup. Which I had no idea about. It really hurt me because I put so much effort and energy the whole time. They barely reciprocated or appreciated anything I did for them or the times I showed up when they needed support. The confusing part is that they went out of their way for me on my birthday weekend. I was surprised. It genuinely was the best birthday I've ever had. They even seemed to be dropping me signals that maybe they still liked me. I did but I didn't want to lose our friendship. I decided that they were probably just being nice. We got along so well and didn't have drama before they decided to get back with their ex. It's better that we aren't in each other's lives, but the way they cut me out like I was nothing wasn't right. They didn't have enough respect for me to just say they didn't want to continue being friends. What's awkward is that we live within a mile of each other. :/ I do still miss them. I guess next time, I need to listen to my intuition.
More recently, I met someone at a potluck through a meetup group. She and I talked for a while and I was excited to meet someone new. We've hung out quite a bit and we've been having fun. I asked if she'd like to be friends. She said yes. The last time we hung out was a couple weeks ago. I felt uncomfortable and quite upset about how she seemed to think it would be easy for Palestinians to just leave Gaza within 24 hours from those leaflets Israel dropped. That she'd "find a way" and just do it. While also admitting she hasn't been keeping up with what's been going on. I myself had been following what was happening there but didn't want to bring the topic up. I felt like that conversation wouldn't be productive or go well - I was right. I was surprised she brought it up since she tends to stay away from the news. She seems to be very individualistic and very into "self" improvement. Like if people just use spiritual practices, that will fix their problems. I look at things systemically, from a sociological perspective. Not that my way is better or even right. Also not to say that there isn't any value in her practices and perspectives. I just had been realizing that our ideological frameworks are pretty fundamentally in contrast. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells when I'm around her. Like when I've talk about issues from a sociological lens, she'd just not say anything or consider some of the limitations of not looking at the impact oppressive institutions and systems have on all of us. She goes off of astrology and uses that to explain everyday things. With the other person I mentioned, I just went along with what they liked. We had some key similarities on how we saw things, but I was erasing myself in many ways. Now, I just can't fawn. I can't just go along with things and erase myself. Sociology and philosophy are both very connected to my essence and values probably in the way her spiritual and self improvement beliefs and practices are to her. Put simply, we're not compatible and that's okay. I don't really want to spend time with someone just having fun and not ever talking about social issues. That's important to me. I'm going to let her know this because friendships can't be forced. Misfortune hit me because I fell down the stairs when I got home that day which resulted in a fractured skull. :/ I was just trying to leave my neighbor's package at their door so it wouldn't get stolen. It took just one wrong step. 😩 I haven't been home in two weeks. :(
Long story short: I don't trust people at this point. Where I live, at least. I want to move back home. It's just been financially challenging to do so, but that's my goal. I have great friends there who show up for me and vice versa. I try my best to connect with others and I just keep ending up hurt. There's missing context throughout and I express myself better verbally, so keep that in mind as you read about what I shared.
I am choosing not to go out this weekend because I’m also starting therapy this week again for the first time in 6 years. Don’t want to overdo it, you know 😅🙈
I started going to a book club hosted by the local library that meets once a month at a bar (though I don't drink). It makes me feel awesome about myself that I go out and have a "thing" to do, but it also makes me feel like shit because I have no idea how to make these people actual friends. lol. Baby steps, I guess. Book club is still a win for me.
I so need this advice
Your hair colour is so cool!!!!
“Hey, I see you here all the time right, I also love cats, that’s why i’m volunteering at the cat shelter” 🤣
that was helpful. but there's one thing that's unclear: *how* do you deepen the friendships you already have? you (and many people) just say that so simply but i don't really know what it means. what can you do to deepen a friendship? i would love answers from mickey or anyone
I tried the Try New Things approach before. I took a watercolour class for example. But I found it really difficult to take the (few) interactions I had in class outside of it. Because it felt weird to ask others "out for coffee" and they usually had places to be and things to do.
I was auto responding to the first tip by verbally saying no, only for the next thing you say to be "stop saying no". I had to laugh at myself. 😅
Great topic! Also where is that sweater from??
I am in a different country right now (have been for 3 month, leaving in two). I know some people here that I met because they are connected to my friends in my hometown and kind of "took me in" when it comes to political work. I am not really close to them and they are also a lot older than I am (I'm 20). I went to some events in the city I live in, also talked to some people, but I find people in my age to be very hard to approach (also with not speaking the lenguage, although everyone knows english). I watched this video half way through, then close it when you were talking about joining hobby groups, saying out loud "I don't think I need friends, I can go like this for another two month". Then I laughed at myself, came back and finished the video. Still scared though :)
I wish I had this video in 2013 when I was having a mental breakdown about making friends right before I went away to college!!
So... I just moved from brazil to france and I'm here because I dont understand why making friends is hard 😅
Seriously, people have zero initiative to get to know people. I know it's a cultural thing, but it's been tough to navigate because it makes no sense to me. Adults in latin America in general just are always open to meet new people and happy to do so, at least as far as I know.
Yes a big difference between Latino culture and Europe - besides the balkans the y are like little Latin America - you should visit them when you can!! ❤
Just talk to people... Wow, I wish I had thought of that.
Solid tips!
the consistency is gonna be the death of me. i find it really difficult to commit to things because my social battery is so embarrassingly limited. i usually just end up not replying to texts and ghosting people
I feel the same, my battery dies so fast😂 but i dont ghost them, i just apologise and talk later. Let them know, Im sure theyll be understanding ❤