If You "Throw" Love At Unavailable People, It Could Be From Wounds of Neglect
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- Опубліковано 10 сер 2023
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People neglected as children sometimes spend their WHOLE life longing or love - chasing it, fighting for it, longing for it, and never having it, all because of this -- an attraction to unavailable people. This includes people who are married and can’t really be with you (but string you along), or people who flat out aren’t into you. Yet your wounds from childhood make you the PERFECT person to give all your energy, love and self-esteem to them, basically for free. In this video I respond to a woman who is trapped in a painful affair with a married man, who seeks help ending it, and preventing this from ever happening again.
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I love that you never stop reminding us there’s hope and healing possible.
Me too!
Love what you said....so true!
And love the 'toebeans_and-floof' handle....priceless!!!!
@@borndreamer2735 So true. I keep coming back and working that hope muscle. It’s hard. Hang in there.
@@jo-annahicks3324 Ah, thanks! I find the relationship with my cats so much easier than with people. 😅
Im 37. All my life I've been seeing love where none exists. I also have an intense desire to be chosen by the object of my limerence
very relatable
I had this. Then I realized it was my inner child wanting my own dad to pick me and our family instead of leaving with his mistress. It's a twisted Oedipus Complex.
Yes. I feel same!🙏🏻❤️🦋
Wow. Same here. 37 and lookin for love.
same 37@@angelajennings1633
It’s all about perspective. Instead of saying I attract certain types of men, it’s more likely I gravitate to those type of men. Whew that hit hard.
Love this. We need the power and confidence to know we can do better
oldest story in the book: Married but "unhappy" sucking all your time and energy when the married person knows it's a dead end for you.
I’m an example of a wounded child who grew up to be attracted to the wrong men. I finally got a great therapist when I was 35. She helped me see that I could be loved by a man who I was “just friends” with. Now we’ve been married for over 30 years. My point is that when you’ve been abused you might not want to be with a nice guy until you finally just choose to be loved. You don’t even know what love is until you finally experience it.
Thank you for sharing your experience! Julie@TeamFairy
That's awesome. Do you find it helps that he's your friend? I find the minute a relationship starts to turn into a commitment it makes me panic and start coming up with all the reasons I shouldn't be with them. When they're my friend (leaning towards romantic) it feels safer.
And the man she “dated” who’s friends and family she never met..you were NOT dating. You were his secret. The relationship was a fraud. If you’ver never met or bonded with the other person family and friends…it’s NOT a real relationship and the person is hiding something…which means they are not authentic and are probably gonna con you
Sometimes it's hard to see the trees for the forrest.
Okay this is the comment I NEEDED to see.
Avoidants do this; it's a self protective mechanism. Not saying it's right but they tend to compartmentalize, and it isn't always a fraud. I knew someone who was just super ashamed of his family (for understandable reasons.) Took a lot of therapy for him to get past that.
@@MSG66I agree. This story of Becky is almost exactly what I’m dealing with currently. The married woman I’m in an affair with is extremely avoidant, there’s times where I’m convinced she’s doing it on purpose but she’s not! It’s her trauma response as much as mine is being attracted to an unavoidable person. Vicious cycle.
The married online guy is asking all about her and her life because he studying her to eventually manipulate and con her
That was a red flag for me too
True
Exactly! Predator behavior. It's what predators do to their prey.
Yes I spotted that too.
happened to me for many,
many years, especially at the beginning. You think that he loves you and always listens but he is just studying you to learn how to fully manipulate and benefit from you.
I don’t settle. Crumbs is all that people offer. You can refuse that and be all alone. I am.
Yeah. Unfortunately that is often the only good option.
👏👏👏 refused and never been happier
Yeah me too, it is freedom from all the zombie men but I am free now finally at 58.
Many prefer a bad partner or are just stuck with one. I'm alone, too. It's not easy, but I compromised too often with people who, frankly, didn't deserve my attentions
Omg “eroticized abandonment and rejection” omgggg THIS
Bread crumbs feel
Like so much when you’ve never received any kindness or connection.
It takes enormous courage to eventually say no to the breadcrumbs - I finally have with my family. Having nothing is infinitely better than being abused for decades
4:00 I also have accepted inappropriate relationships because I was lonely and there was no one else around.
"You can't lose what you never had."
“The unavailability is what’s eroticized.” That really hit home to me
The way Becky writes about her childhood is absolutely heartbreaking and it made me burst into tears. Oh I just want to hug her so hard.
Me too 😢
So many of these narratives are about people looking for romantic ‘love.’ I’d like to hear about what happens when CPTSD people try to just make friends. I’ve finally realized that I’m too nice and try too hard when I want to befriend someone. I’ll give them gifts, be a great listener, always put their needs first. This never works and just drives people away.
I hear you! Anna actually offers a course called 'Connection Bootcamp' that focuses on learning to create more connected relationships. Here's a link if you want to check it out: bit.ly/CCF_Connection -Calista@TeamFairy
Same happens to me.
Even w trying to make new female friends, they "love" me and say I'm so "fun" and "hilarious!" but then they ghost & somehow I'm not that kick-ass new friend all of the sudden. 🤔
I understand what you mean.
Yes, friendships are hard!
That's me in a nutshell!
Yes same I’ve been used by narcissist “friends.” It really hurt because wasn’t expecting that from a female friend. In dating I expect that sadly. It’s all hard, I feel trapped alone, it’s like my whole life is a repeat of my lonely childhood I’m the lonely “weird” person 😢
"Eroticized abandonment and rejection."..."Giving them free energy to make their marriage exciting, which is what is going on there." Well dang... truth bombs
I always picked unavailable men.. physically emotionally and spiritually..I even married one who told me not to tell his mother we were living together.. we were both 40🤦🏻♀️when we got married we eloped and he waited days before he made the phone call to tell his mother..I remember feeling like I made a terrible mistake again. I’m now single for a decade and I cannot imagine ever being with someone again
I think it is no longer about trusting the other person as it is now about trusting ourselves. Yes, I was that woman picking abusive and emotionally unavailable men and begging them not to leave me. It's been more than a decade. I am no longer that woman. Love is my divine right and I am not some broken toy. I am a woman and I have desires and needs which are normal. Working with a therapist and doing somatic exercises help.
Yes learning to trust myself.. very well said thank you.. and I am not that same woman either thank God
@@Bogotaeverything same with me. Always going for broken men, unfaithful men, uninterested men. Finally I did a lot of work on myself before meeting and marrying my (now ex) husband, and he was definitely better than most I had crap-fit to over the years. But after 20 years he left due to his own demons. (Thankfully my kids seem relatively well adjusted and have a good and loving relationship with both of us.). As I worked on myself some more after my marriage failed, I unearthed more of my brokenness, the root causes from my childhood, and my own responsibility that contributed to the breakdown of our marriage (it’s hardly ever one-sided). I’m not even attracted to the kind of guys I used to be attracted to. I now see them coming a mile away. Those kind of guys have become such a turn-off. If I do end up dating again I know my next choice will be much better. (And I’m going to be way pickier).
"she would tell me that I was exaggerating..."
I felt that deeply. The WORST feeling in the world is to have a parent who you put your trust in... Who not only doesn't do anything, they will say you're "Exaggerating' and "making it up" and that you're "Too sensitive...." and then they will go and tell that person what you said, to get their take on it, come back to you just to say that what you said isn't true. ZERO trust, ZERO respect, and just complete BETRAYAL.
Thank you. That’s how my mother covered up for my abusive father (who turned out not to be my natural father at all!) and made me accept her narcissistic behaviour.
@@gracelewis6071You are welcome. Yes, betrayal is a sad thing.
I never really had faith and trust in my mother, but I believed in my father. He caliemd to love me, and that i Was his 'Mini-me' and all this shit...
Yet he allows his wife to trash me.... Because of his own mommy issues and co-dependant issues...
He also believes in female supremacy and females should lead relationships. He, in his own words, is also a feminine man.
This is why feminine men aren't supposed to lead families.
@@allykatharveyYou are welcome. Very sad...
Her narcissistic behavior, or his?
That's crazy he wasn't your father... If I found out he wasn't my father I would probably lose my shit.... I look exactly like him though, and everyone has always said that so... yeah ...
It's downright evil... Because all they care about is themselves and protecting themselves... Not their child(ren).
I just told my mom this today. I’m currently going thru a health issue but I told her I don’t trust her or anyone and I will never them what I’m going thru until I absolutely have too!
@@AlvinKazu It turned out I was my “father’s” elder brother’s daughter, so I had all the family genes! My mother was definitely the narc, he was her No.1 flying monkey and besotted with her. He was just nasty and sadistic in his own right. Being a little kid at his mercy was awful. She put herself and her marriage first and although she looked after me until my teens, she got crueller with age. Narcissism is a terrible thing.
The guy I dated in high school dated someone else at the same time, I was devasted when I found out. The pattern repeated in college and when I saw the signs that the person I was interested in was possibly a two timer again I took a hard look at myself and I made a list of what I wanted in a life partner. I decided that I would rather be single than settle for less. After a while I realized I enjoyed being single (the only drawback was pressure from others to get married- ironically people on their second or third marriage were the worst). I traveled, pursued higher education, self-improvement (healing) and a career. Being happy with yourself and knowing who you are apart from relationship is valuable in itself. My husband said one of the things he found attractive about me was my self confidence and lack of emotional neediness . The only thing he didn't have on my check list...he's not taller than I am, not a deal breaker.
Thank you for your comment! Your technique of making a list was so insightful and brave. Congratulations on your success. Julie@TeamFairy
I'm 2 months out from breaking up with a man whose daughters i never met. We were together for 1 1/2 years, His excuse was that he was a widower and that his daughters weren't "ready" to meet me. I met his friends but felt that he did this to "show me off" like a trophy. So glad I had the courage to leave as I tend to stay in bad relationships to long. Now I'm healing and happy.
“Married and unhappy” usually means I’m bored of my spouse and want to waste your time and use you and then also have my naive spouse at the end of the day.
Wow, What Wisdom...I am saving your comment...that would make a great bumper sticker!!!
.
Yes it’s also a very selfish behavior!
I'm 43.
My junior brother just died this week.
My father was a very abusive malignant narcissist.
These videos and channels help me a lot through the complex issues.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. Old stuff comes up at times like this - I'm glad you're here for support!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy
Yes, the support here is great.
It provides clarity and proves I am not crazy.
I am so sorry for the loss of your sibling
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope your pain eases in time with support and self care ❤
@@fjustice8544
Thank you.
“Longing is not good for you.” Thank you for that.
I was abused too and it was decades before i labeled it as such. It's weird how we wait for someone to give us permission to state the obvious.
This is because there's too many idiots victim blaming. They have this stereotype of family like a place of love, they assume that all mothers are saintly and all fathers are hardworking heroes, so if you complain you are ungrateful and mean. Those clowns needs to shut up once and for all, since they don't know anything.
This is so true!! I've wasted many years unwillingly lying to myself
I went through the same thing. But the guy told me first that his wife had left him and had gone to Florida. We talked on the phone, had phone sex, talked daily...for 10 years. Only to find out that he and his wife had "reunited". Married men really do lie to lonely, love-starved women and lie to them, and string them along. But I will say that I found him on a telephone dateline ten years ago. He was the most polite, "respectful", charming man that I found on that dateline. But, he was not really a good guy at all.
I just got ghosted by my unavailable person. And I am panicking and desperate but trying not to phone him. Every word of this video is pure helpful gold for me. Thank you so much.
Block his number, it is so freeing! He is the same zombie we have all seen.
Burned myself out, gave up a career, and wasted years of my life trying to "force" my own mother to love me. I know it's hard to hear this but if you're struggling with this issue, stop snuffing your own flame.
Hard-earned wisdom right there. Thank you for sharing. Julie@TeamFairy
Stay away from dismissive avoidants. They will make you feel you found the love of your life then they will cheat, pack up and leave. You will be traumatised.
I so empathise with Becky's situation. You cannot underestimate that awful, deep pain of blocking someone from your life who you absolutely know is unsuitable BUT who has given you (meaningless, I know) crumbs of attention. Yes you know it is the best thing to do but it does feel so horrible to turn your back on those little (not wholly authentic) kindnesses.
Having lived that situation so many times myself, even to the extent of clinging to the mere 'glimpse' of a possible kindness, I'm in no position to firmly state, "it will get better". Sorry. All I can say is, as Anna advises, make a list of exactly what you want, ie includes the positive sense of the gestures you've received, just without that other deeply damaging ephemeral stuff.
Keep the good things you know you want on the 'ideal partner' list. Everything else you've so wisely observed can go on the 'cross the street, keep running and don't look back' list.
Becky, you're in my thoughts and prayers. Here's hoping the rest of your healing and rebuilding starts now and leads to support, understanding and tenderness from good folk ❤
Beautifully and thoughtfully said!
"clinging to the mere glimpse of a possible kindness" this is it. 💔
Took me decades to realize that my family were “unavailable.” What a painful waste of emotional energy. Done “understanding” and continuing to expect our bond is anything but toxic trauma related. Letting them go.
I've been there, done that. Yes, he's doing what she needs to pull her in. I finally saw it also. I hope she ends it and realizes she deserves better!
I needed this… currently entertaining a person who’s taken. I feel lower than the hole I keep climbing into.
I have a feeling that man pressured the mom into being with him and having a kid in the first place--just to spend her whole childhood acting like the victim. I wish there was a SWAT team for trash men who abuse their daughters 😑
Yes ! was in an affair for a year off and on . I kept breaking it off , then starting it up again ! I was obsessed . addicted to the physical . I got breadcrumbed and realized finally that I needed to end it for good . Blocked his number . Obviously he could care less as since then he has made no attempt to see why . What a stupid thing to get involved in . A man who has no time for me , or even attempts to contact me every time I broke it off . He wants me to chase him . Not anymore . Im done with trying to be with the unavailable . This is the one that did it for me , I can happily say he showed me how much I want someone to be with who respects me and wants to be with me ! thank you 🥰😘
You are an amazing gift to all of us who struggle with past trauma. I’m so grateful for your generosity. You’re better than any therapist I’ve ever paid.
Being drawn to such people is like a mirror -for both parties. It's also a feeling of familiarity , of coming home, eg., poor treatment, adapting yourself to every situation, making yourself small so you don't further rock the boat, etc, Water seeks its own level.
I'm 53 and single most of my relationships have been with men who were unavailable in some way. My mom was extremely detached and at times cruel and selfish, I was never told I love you or encouraged as a child, I think looking back I didn't feel safe alot of the time. Thankfully I did other family members that were loving and supportive and I have a wonderful best friend that I've known for 35 yrs we talk daily and other good friends. I started to become interested in healing my past about 2 yrs ago. I began re-parenting myself as a child, and I've learned to develop a deep self love and self worth. I have boundaries with men now. It feels so good to know that I'm on the journey to healing finally. I hope to meet someone to share my life with that is worthy of me, its been a long painful road for sure.
Omg I spend most of my life like this😢so sad to realise. I've done alot of healing and now at 52, I'm finally in a wonderful, healthy, loving relationship ❤ and yes he ticks all the really specific, what may sound like ridiculously rare if not impossible criteria I needed and wanted.
That's amazing! Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you for validating not hurting or betraying other women
At 72 It took a very long time to finally realize why I settled for crumbs.. Thank you for the insight and waking me up to why I settled for the past several decades.
OMG, I'm Becky 💔 I'm 57, I just broke up another bad relationship 5 minutes ago, and came to UA-cam, and this was the first video that came up. After the breakups I go back to being alone because I'm so bad at relationships, but then I'm so lonely and so hungry for love. And around I go. 💔
Glad you are here now! Thank you for offering your compassion for the letter-writer.
If you're interested, try the (totally free) Daily Practice. It can help with clarity about what's happening in your life.
bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
We also have a Dating & Relationships course, if you like the DP and want to go deeper. bit.ly/CCF-Dating
Julie@TeamFairy
This title grabbed me because I realized I throw love @ my adult daughter, who is often "unavailable". whether it be emotionally, or whatever the case may be. My background is definitely interspersed with abuse & childhood wounds; neglect, emotional/verbal abuse, physical, s/a, and more neglect. I was terrified to become a mom @ 19 but also secretly thrilled~! to have someone to love~! who would also love me.
I somehow~ by the grace of God~ managed to break the cycle of abuse; but, I was still damaged.. and ill prepared to be the picture of health & balance parent. Hurt people hurt people even if it isn't directly, I guess.
My daughter knows my whole background. At the time (I felt compelled to explain my areas of weakness or brokenness; I needed her to know it was me, not her; that I would be a better mom, but I had issues I was working on & why) [if I had it to do over again, I would NOT have told anyone I was abused; it gives people power]
She often praises me for breaking the cycle. There is also an unfortunate aspect though, she knows EVERY button to push. If anything is upsetting her, I am always the one to try to listen or fix, but run a risk that it will all change course & I get caught in the tornado. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I love too much, I leave myself vulnerable bc I am desperate for those "crumbs" plus I ADORE her kids, and vice versa. 9/10 things are okay, life keeps going, time keeps slippin, but once in awhile, it is DANGEROUSLY painful. I have no clue how to move forward.
sorry this is so long.
The abuse…I’m so sorry you have to feel it gives them power.
For me…knowing abuse from unconditional love gives me power. I am grateful to know this difference.
My life is similiar...my only daughter was born on my bday. She loves me distantly even though she lives 12 miles away. She always shows up whenever she detects my giving modes and ignores me most of the time now that i have so little to give.
Yikes ...hope letter writer finds the peace love and joy we are all looking for ...sounds like she deserves it . 🙏❤🙏
Ooh “gravitate toward”. This is a revelation for me.
I have become better at stopping myself from chasing connections. What is hard for me is, I am convinced nobody can love me, something is wrong with me and because of that, I can’t be loved, and it’s not just a litle voice in my head, I am convinced that it’s impossible. I hate that feeling and don’t know how to work on it
Really common CPTSD pattern.
Start with Daily Practice: Free Daily Practice Course: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Also check out Healing CPTSD. Healing Childhood PTSD Course: bit.ly/CCF_HCPTSD
Julie@TeamFairy
I feel that too thanks to childhood trauma and abandonment wounds. I call BS on those voices but it’s still hard, I feel doomed I’ve been lonely for so long and life’s just passing me by 😢
“People who are married and can’t really be with you” I’ve been living this hell the past two and half years. Now I’m flat out addicted to cycle of non existent love. Limerence if you will. In the beginning she told me she loved me and led me to believe we would be together. She also had intense childhood trauma. To make matters worse, she’s avoidant anxious and I’m attached anxious so the more I push, the more she pulls away, which I do often with mean threats. Of course she shuts down on me thus reinforces the abandonment that triggers me the most. Vicious cycle.
I needed to watch this at this very moment thank you
Me, too.
Same however I was recently love bombed by a guy who said the most wonderful things & planned our future. He never followed through & I found the bravery to let go
You deserve good things in your life! Good for you for working toward that!
Nika@TeamFairy
I will never find love in this life or peace for that matter. Maybe after death
This is spot on. I went through a lot of unavailable relationships before remarrying. Now, the main thing is trusting the stability of what I have now.
I unfortunately ended up with an unavailable man - DA, I stayed too long once I realised this giving him the benefit of the doubt that he'd do the work - he discarded me months later. I'm now back in healing my wounded child, the relationship was draining. The whole thing triggered my abandonment wound, it hurts but I know I deserve better and have to focus on meeting my needs.
12 step programs have changed my life. Thank you Anna. You were the first to recommend it to me on your channels.
What a beautiful beautiful video. Thank you to the writer for sharing her personal life experiences. And thank you ‘crappy childhood fairy’ for such a graceful accurate and incredibly helpful answer. This video helps people a lot. Thanks for continue to make them and prayers to all for healing themselves, & ultimately others. 🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋
This is exactly what it was like for me growing up, the only difference is that I’m male. I hated my mother for never standing up for me and siding with my father with his abuse. What always bothers me the most is that he would be affable and kind outside of the house, so to this day people will talk about him (he’s been dead for 16 years now) and tell me what a great guy he was and how lucky I was to have him as a father. I have this fantasy where adult me (I’m 6’2” 270lbs and in good shape) is standing beside little kid me and everytime asshole was in a bad mood and wanted to use me as his emotional punching bag I would go and blacken his eyes and break his nose. And so now here I sit alone and lonely chasing unavailable women (i.e. women who don’t really care about me) who treat me like crap. Thanks dad.
This might be the most impactful video I’ve ever watched.
Being AWARE of the WHY is essential to healing. I’m so glad Becky is seeing the why. ❤
🧡 You are SOOO good, Ms. Crappy Childhood Fairy! 🌷& I'll vouch for 12 Step programs, too. I've healed from love addiction beyond my wildest dreams! I'm SOOOOooo much happier, less stressed, & have much more love in my life now... because I learned how to love others instead of always grasping for love from others. So glad you are here to lay down the truth for people - plain & simple; to the point! 🌷🧡 We are lucky to have you!
Kindly recommend a group that you loved for the 12 step program.
Towards the end you made a powerful point that really hit home, closing the door on a relationship with an unavailable person can feel like a step back but in reality it's a huge step forward. I won't tell my long story about how I fell for an unavailable guy but to make a long story short he made it clear (or so he thought) that he wasn't available and I didn't get the message, so I sent myself down a dark path trying to throw love at him before I finally shut the door on him
Good for you for having the guts to do it. I closed the door to an unavailable guy too… I loved him more than anyone I’ve ever been with, but I left him. I was constantly longing for more intimacy from him until I finally realized I wasn’t going to get it. Leaving him was painful but it was the right thing. We got this!
I’ve been trying to recover from letting go of a friendship. I tried to create through messaging. (😂as this person I’ve only been able to see in real life for 10-12 hours total all year). We live in the same town even. I ended up falling into limerence because of that. (And I don’t like that one bit). I find it’s the worst thing I’ve ever had to let go of. But the unavailability of said person is why I can’t continue.. I’m 47 years old and I’m just learning boundaries with people. Im the giver in most friendships I’ve had, but did get some reciprocal energy from most. This particular one….. zip. I told myself at the start that this was a bad idea. I would like to know why I did not listen to myself?. Was I sucked in by manipulation I wonder. Anyway your videos sure help in this instance. 2 months no contact…. Still hurts quite a bit.
I’d really like to meet the person I created in my head tho. 😢
I read many of these comments before writing my own...so many beautiful people here ...I would love to be able to meet you and hopefully become friends with you...please, please see what I see and appreciate how special each of you are and don't be discouraged by negative people...I think of my life as a garden...I want flowers in it, beautiful people who are all different and I don't want any weeds those negative people who hurt others instead of helping...See your beauty and fill your lives with people who appreciate you...let the destroyers destroy each other
You are truly an amazing person, thanks so much for all the time and effort you put in to making theses videos happen
I appreciate that!
I love your wisdom!! Thank you for being there for us in such a unique and genuine way. I recommend your channel to the women I work with in a domestic violence shelter called saline county safe Haven in Arkansas. Your videos and advice changed my perspective in such a powerful way that I committed myself to channeling all the energy I’m no longer giving away to men who don’t reciprocate, and using it to empower myself as well as other female survivors in the non profit organization where I am happier working than anywhere else in my life; paying attention to your videos, and following your good insight, changed my life! I’m happier than I have ever been. I’m no longer dissociated into a state of perpetual longing, deluding myself; but I’m in reality and God has granted me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (others), the courage to change the things I can (myself) and wisdom to know the difference (my crappy childhood fairy!)! Thank you for your love and dedication to the cause of us with CPTSD! We love you!
Luisa, thank you for taking the time to share this little piece of your healing story, and thank you for your encouraging words. I'm saving this for a little file folder I keep of UA-cam comments to visit on days when I feel discouraged. Blessings to you and the women in the shelter!
It is because we are too lack of love, too craving of love, like a lost person in desert deprived of water, one drop of water can already make us falling in, even knowing it might be illusion, lying to ourselves to feel the hope, the light. I was like this.
This was a really clear response.. I love how specific you were about what she should do. I hope it made it easier for her.
Anna, thank you so much for your powerful wisdom once again. Becky, you have such a dear, sweet heart. Your letter touched me deeply.
Anna, I have been watching your videos for over a year now and doing your daily practice. You are a beacon of light for those of us that are working on healing our traumas. I am inspired by your clarity of mind, empathy, sincerity and discernment. Sending you love from Canada!
Thank you!
She's wonderful. Anna, do you believe cigarette smoking is a symptom of trauma. I've come to believe it is.
I was in a situation like this for a few years, then I saw him who he was and told his wife and friends about him cheating. Sure it wasnt nice, but it cemented that he would never come back.
Neurotic narc mother..... Dad vented his anger on the 4 of us but he was my preferred parent as my mother was so needy and draining. Whenever I was beginning to gel with my father my mother would clip me as she vented 'And you!!! You can't do a bloody thing wrong!!!'. Learned to avoid them both for my own survival. Very solitary, lonely and confusing. So relieved aged 35!!! to hear from a Marriage Guidance counsellor 'There's nothing wrong with you'. 'Families and How to Survive Them' a book by John Cleese and Robin Skynner was a Godsend for me. Older sister followed the mould and grew up to be a carbon copy of my mother, we've not spoken for 4 years now, thank The Lord. No guilt.
Jesus, "Becky", I'm so sorry you went through all of this. And I commend you so much for your self awareness and emotional intelligence. For reaching out for help.
I'm sure life has been so hard for you, after experiencing this trauma and I truly encourage you to continue your journey of self development. Good for you. You are not alone. ❤
I love your format, here, Anna! Keep saving lives!! Thanks for being here!
They need to be over their ex as well instead of still being sad or angry or longing for their ex
12:38 if you want a happy relationship you have to respect other’s relationships
Your videos are a wellspring of healing. I find them truly edifying. Your eloquence and erudition are stellar. Thanks, thanks, thanks,
Here's an issue I'd like to see a video on. Parents that do fun things with their kids - without the fun. I'm sixty-one-years old and I'm starved for fun. Seriously, I can't get passed it. I ask my inner child what she wants, and the only thing she asks for is to be tickled. I look back and my parents on paper did a lot of fun stuff with us, outings and picnics, community events, we had lovely holidays with all the trimmings and yet there was zero joy and zero fun. An example is , hey let's go water skiing and dad barks orders the entire time and yells because you're not doing it right. I look back on all the miserable 'privileges' I had as a kid and I just think ugg. We weren't allowed to laugh or joke around or tell stories as kids in my family. My mother used to yell, 'stop that fool giggling'. We weren't gigglers - we were the smart kids, the safety patrols, the baby sitters, the nerds, not the airheads. Now I'm desperate for exuberant, fun people who know how to live life well without being reckless, drunk, or otherwise irresponsible. Even at work, I believe in the Mary Poppins philosophy of finding the element of fun in every job that must be done - snap the job's a game. Or Fezziwig who had the power to make work a pleasure or a burden and chose to make it a pleasure. I can't live a dead life anymore. I have to have joy and humor and fun in my life. P.S. I was watching RFK jr. at some adult playground in CA having a date night with his wife - just screwing around, playing on all the toys. They were having such a blast, I was sooooooo jealous.
RFK jr. seems like the real deal. Lots of integrity.
Hey this might sound weird to people not involved with the raver world....but it's the way to find adult, light hearted, silly and genuine fun. I am 46 and go to a Canadian one called Bass Coast every year. It's owned and run by women so it's really clean and well organized. It attracts an older crowd of people who really do have their shit together but like to go party hard in a creative and good natured way sometimes. It is not booze driven and that changed everything! Men are respectful. It's a blast. There are always a handful of people in their 60s there. It's what I thought of when reading your note.
@@Captain_MonsterFart Thanks. Raver? What's a raver? Last I heard, raves had to do with taking ecstasy. I'm probably behind the times.
@@cynthiajohnson9412 raves are about listening & dancing to electronic music..feeling free on the dancefloor...totally normal to go one on your own, no pressure to socialize..but feeling connected to others through dance & love of music can be a very spiritual & uplifting experience
@@etcha Sounds nice. Thanks.
Saaaame. I totally relate, my parents always took me and my brother to trips but it was always so unconfortable and annoying, telling us what to do and not do all the time, lots of yelling and criticism, then calling me ungrateful when i didn't want to go. And i was never the kid that got into trouble. I know they love me but i never rly felt like i could be myself.
This channel is such a gift to me. ❤
Your content is so vital. Ty for doing it! 🎉
Que poderoso está siendo estos vídeos para mí, mucho más que las reuniones de 12 pasos, dónde a veces me hacía sentir vergüenza por caer en esta relaciónes desgraciadas. Tengo cinco años sobria y dos de abstinecia sexual luchando por sanar esa infancia para Atraer el amor sano que merezco. Todas esas fraternidades que mencionaste me salvaron, pero hubo un momento que me estaba haciendo daño.. me aleje sin olvidarme de los principios y buscando otros caminos espírituales como un curso de milagros, Sin embargo después de hacer tu curso creo que podré visitar esas fraternidades y sentirme segura de que nadie me dañará porwue nadie mw puede dañar. Estos vídeos me está ayudando muchísimo, como un despertar con esto de la limerenza que me ha estado afectando casi toda mi vida. Usaba toda esta mierda para componer canciones, pero no quiero más este síntoma devastador en mi vida! Aquí estoy Ana, trabajando duro con tu curso y escuchando estos vídeos con la mente extremadamente receptiva. Mil gracias!!!!
Grew up with horrible violence just never knew when hell would break out!! I was the middle child and was thrown to the grandparents with a grandfather who was doing things grandfather has no business doing!!HAD A OLDER SISTER AND WHEN THE BABY BOY CAME ALONG I WAS REALLY KICKED TO THE CURB THEY WOULD TAKE HIM WITH THEM ON VACATION BUT DID NOT WANT TO DEAL WITH ME TO MY GRANDPARENTS I WOULD GO!! I had 0 self worth no confidence and spent a life time of pure misery!! Never ever felt like I WAS EVER WANTED,! In my sixties now now I HAVE PEACE LIVING ALONE SO HEARTBREAKING IT TOOK MOST OF MY LIFE TO FIND PEACE!! Oh my god the energy I USED TO GET ANY KIND OF VALUE FROM ALL THE WRONG PEOPLE,!
Thank you so very much for this amazing video...your wise words encouraged me to end something thats been going in circles for years. Im so positively going forward, im so looking forward to the future. I cannot thank you enough, for confirming everything ❤ love and blessings
I believe that in order to break any addiction … or trauma bond … we need to first focus on our inner world healing … when we focus about cutting the other person out … we might just end up with the same lesson different face ! Most of us focus on the outer world and in reality our inner world is what is so desperately needing our attention focus and love … once we learn how to redirect our focus and love from within… our outer world just shifts naturally with flow ….
Another incisive and necessary topic. Unfortunately, I have to fast-forward through the letters because this format just does not work for my neurodivergent brain. It's too hard to parse the details of someone's individual situation and make them relate to the title theme. I feel like I'm watching a talk show. Hopefully Anna can add a more pointed and direct wrap-up section to these types of videos where she speaks specifically on the topic in a more general way for the rest of us to relate. I think that would be a great way to adopt the best of both formats.
Perhaps you have difficulty feeling empathy for someone else and their situation?
As I'm listening I'm thinking: Once a cheater, always a cheater. RUN! Been there, done that. Love your videos and I apprecciate those that share their stories. I can identify so much with them.
I agree! Also, my ex bf dated a married woman… for two years! I couldn’t let that go because it must mean he’s ok with cheating. I finally left him but my friends think I over reacted. In my eyes he was a cheater too though
Was just thinking about this. Perfect timing.
Thank you so much for answering this question and with so much compassion ❤️
I often have to listen to these programs twice to hear everything because my attention wanders to my own experiences- a symptom of CPTSD?
@@SouthernBella
Good suggestion - thanks😊
i find that anyone im attracted to is unavailable not because thats who i choose, but because people just generally are not attracted to me. It sucks especially when its a friend.
I liked this video 👍☺ It's reinforcing what I've just started doing at 50.
Thank you for identifying all facts straight and to the point
That's me, too, Anna. I am avoidant, but I long to be in love. So here I am, with an unhappy married man who actually does give me a lot of love. I know it's all wrong, but that love is so hard to walk away from. With the cPTSD from my narcissistic mother AND my narcissistic ex-husband, both of whom were very emotionally abusive, this man's tenderness is like water after days in the desert.
It's not love. He's just bored with his life and is using you to get what is lacking in his own relationship but he's still committed to his wife and it shows by the fact that he's still married. You don't treat a person you love like this. He would be getting a divorce and making plans with you for the future if he loved you. If your definition of love is someone sleeping with you and being nice, that's the bare minimum. He is a selfish person that will break the hearts of two people: his wife's if she ever finds out and yours, when you realize that he doesn't love you but that you have made them the source of affection that you don't have for yourself.
@@Bogotaeverything Yeah. I wasn't suggesting it's a healthy love. It's a kind of love, however unhealthy. I understand that he's selfish. My issue is my cPTSD from the total lack of love throughout the rest of my life. I know all this. Loneliness is indeed a fuel. And the man pursued me for a year. I knew him very well before anything happened. "Cannot be involved with another woman" is indeed on my list, but when you go years without meeting anyone and then you get love poured all over you, well....I'm not making excuses. It's just what happened.
I do understand you. It is very hard to give up on someone who gives you love, even in this complicated situation. See how it goes, if he persisists in wanting to be the secret lover, put a time limit for yourself and walk away when you are ready. He will realise what he loses and who knows...Much luck and love.
I understand you too. It can be messy. You deserve a man who wants to give you 100% commitment. Took me years to learn this. x
I think some people throw the word narcissist just as the word love way too much. Love is often mistaken for transactions. That's ok. But it helps recognising it. He's not giving OP love, he's feeding his own needs, which are probably lacking in the relationship to his wife through OP. OP is not giving him love either, she's feeding her own needs through this man. We cannot give love, we can only have it inside and it radiates on the outside through our being.
Thanks. You’re doing amazing work.
Not just crumbs in relationships. But crumbs in jobs, friends, finance. I've been there. Still working on me.
You got this! We're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
1:57 p.m. Hey, Good afternoon from Kokomo, Indiana! Boy this video is spot on. One of the tools I like to use especially with learning to establish boundaries and self respect is to make a list of my facts VS feelings. I am a very deeply loving and nurturing woman. And I had to accept that sometimes I can't stay in my head. I will write really horrible country songs. Just saying. So if I put it on paper, I realize sometimes the fogginess from my anxiety is cleared! I am so thankful for you Anna! We are healing together, I see you too!
Dang, you're good.
Thank you 💕 this is life changing...
Me knowing this is true, because she's said it like 20 times, but consistently needing to come back to hear it again.
You had me until the female friends comment. Friends have their own lives. They do not ask you about your day. Not on any conistent basis. They circle in and out. It's the nature of adult friendship.
Marvellous. Marvellous. Thank you. You give me hope.❤
I'm in the same place as Becky right now. Left behind my life going for unavailable men, but still so far away from my future me. I feel so lost right now. I know what I don't wanna be, but I don't know what I wanna be from now on. How I want to live, how I want to bond to other people. Where to start. Sometimes I feel hopeless but I wanna believe I'll find a way to stop being a kid starving of love and affection.
I hear you. I know it can feel daunting, but healing is possible and you deserve good things! We're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Oh my goodness I could so relate to Becky but the abuser in my family was my mom and she didn't want me around. She was emotionally abusive. A Rageaholic and physically abusive. I myself got into unhealthy relationships and had an online relationship with someone who wouldn't commit. A professional baseball player. He sent me flowers. We spoke a lot over the phone, we made each other laugh like nothing else. But he was not there physically and that's where I had to end it. He kept promising to see me but never commited.
I'm 65 years old and I would like to be in a committed relationship myself. I know what I want. But most importantly I'm working on falling in love with myself first. A great book for Becky would be, The Empath's Survival guide, by Judy Orloff. I think having met someone online myself was comfortable for me because knowing them in person possibly would have scared me because of how abusive my mom was and other empty past relationships were. So you think that others are going to hurt you. That's why online feels safe, but its empty! This book is a guide on meeting your needs and having boundaries knowing what's right and what's wrong for you, so you can have healthy relationships. Good luck Becky 🙏❤
Let me say this- if any of you out there who are considering 100% severing all ties from toxic parents-- _do it_
At the very least, you'll sleep better & you don't have to put up with birthdays & holidays being miserable ..or any other day being wrecked.
It's sad that we all can't have a tv sitcom type family but you know what? It's not your fault if other people aren't willing to heal. You just heal yourself and move on. It is what it is.