The Courage To Stand Up To A Narcissist
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- Опубліковано 13 вер 2024
- How many times have you thought: "I'm so tired of the way the narcissist treats me"? But futility settles in because efforts to find a reasonable middle ground fall flat. Dr. Les Carter carves a clear path for you to stand up to that person's mistreatment in a manner that empowers you even as you stay out of unruly power games.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his UA-cam channel, his videos have received more than 120 million views.
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Ready, Set, Connect: Strengthen relationship skills; live authentically survivingnarci...
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Standing up for yourself is self preservation, standing up for others is act of nobility.
So well stated!!
It's also a self-protective behavior too. ❤
Yes, I am closing down my emotional ATM, no more transactions(especially withdrawing from me and he expects gratitude for it. he's delusional) for my own protection. I owe him nothing! No-contact is working!
Standing up for both = ?
Standing up for neither =
Narcissists want a reaction out of you, so they can twist it and use it against you. But when you refuse the bait, it doesn’t mean that you are weak and giving up, it’s actually the most powerful move you could make.
Yes 🎯💯
My go team Healthy, big time Rules, check my lazy crazy, it's a crying shame, please go team healthy, I always need this, put me in my place, I tell you folks, our community, peace and harmony, man, your human nature, is like, the best feeling, giving me strength, man, I'm one person, but you folks be ok, this learning is cool, check lazy crazy, at the front door, keep questions, and comments, this is the best , great help, yes buddy, my community Rules
I agree. I was doxxed by a covert narcissist "relationship guru" here on youtube. I saw right through her bs, and she came out attacking. This was 3 years ago, and to this day, she's still making videos about me, wanting me to lash out and give her that ammunition she desperately wants.
DARVO is their jam
👍💯
Healthy boundaries and self preservation are the only successful ways to stand up to a narcissist.
Courage to standup, strength to be me, not get caught in their cycle of Gaslighting Abuse.
normal people see communication as a bridge to understanding others and themselves, resolving problems, fostering mutual respect.
narcissists see communication as a tool to manipulate people to advance, conceal and protect their self-serving interests.
cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
Yes resolving problems discussing something so you can reach some kind of understanding. They don’t know how to do that. They never will. That’s not what they’re trying to do. They’re trying to win and they will lie to do it and if you have to lie well then there’s no conversation here is there.
@@aliceroberts1980 well said. every discussion is a contest to be won in their eyes. i'm 50 and dealing with a 70 year old neighbor. he literally has the maturity of a toddler. he gave me the silent treatment going on 11 months now because i stood up to him. i'm loving the peace and quiet lol 🤣
@@carpartheroget worse as they age 🤦♀️ second diaper phase that they never really left anyway
Not sure there’s a normal anymore but I know there’s healthy & unhealthy now ❤️🩹
@@caroleminke6116 agreed, it's linear regression with narcissists.
I can’t thank Dr C adequately in words for his examples of standing up for my self worth while disengaging from narcissism
So pleased for you, Carole.
I stood up to my narcissist mother years back, telling her that she had a choice of treating me with the decency she would show an average stranger on the street or I would be out of her life. She chose the latter, and then viciously slandered me to the entire extended family. Most of them took her side and turned against me. I cut off all of them too. That was also their choices and they chose against me. I don't want them in my life anymore. The peace in my life since then has been amazing.
I did the same and was disinherited. Well worth it to save my mental health.
@@theguy4615 I don't regret it either. It saved my mental health as well.
Eventually they all will see her true colors. Huzzah to you for being able to get peace!
😕😢🤔💬
Bob Marley once sang, "Get up, stand up, don't give up the fight." But when it comes to dealing with a narcissist, it's no use fighting with them. You can't win their unfair game.
🚶💨💨
The thing is clearly rigged, as they are willing to stoop to low acts you dont wanna do (spreading lies, starting a smear campaign before there were any real issues, performing illegal acts, dragging other people into shit situations, etc). This can give them an unfair advantage over you..
However, for your mental wellbeing it can be god- awful if you always kept swallowing their shitty abuse & never actually stood your ground to your own liking. Very hard to heal from. Sometimes it is worth a little risk for your own mental health to actually enforce a boundary/ speak up.
Judge wisely in which situation (speaking up/ shutting down all the time) you lose most ...
Agree!! Nothing in my life prepared me to fight a battle with the family of very covert narcissists I married into. Better lyrics for me: Get up, stand up, don't give up your light. I think if I had not found Dr. Carter when I did, I might have gone past the point of no return. I might not ever have made it back to a life of Civility, Respect, Dignity. And it took working hard every day these past few years to get back.
@@PantaRhei-wz5zn It certainly was difficult for me (and still learning!)to learn how to not swallow their abuse, stand my ground, but not participate in their unfair fight. I see enough light ,finally, to know that it is possible.
... and the algorithm is eating my replies again.. sigh
"A peace that passes all understandings."
☮️
I believe the word is "surpasses" all understanding
Thank you, Jesus, for your perfect peace! What would we do without you! 🙏💙🙏 Amen 🙏
Have come to this conclusion... There's no reasoning with them..shows exactly who they are.
What is "Reasoning" to a narcissist? All the things you've done to make them act like the selfish beasts they really are!
@@blen740 Reasoning to a narcissist is synonymous with rebellion because the narcissist sees any attempt to reason with them as rebelling against their attempt to control.
You can't reason with unreasonable people. Dad's unreasonable. I won't waste my time, energy, and effort on him!
Exactly!
“I believe in me” is so powerful. Especially when dealing with these people.
Standing up to a narcissist only provokes them to double down.
1. Don’t get angry
2. Don’t try to convince them.
3. Don’t try to excuse or explain yourself.
4. Don’t try to make things right.
Just say you have a different opinion and you are entitled to have one.
See them soak and put themselves in victim mode and leave it to what it is.
Edit; so cool he said exactly this when I unpaused! This channel helped me so much to stop second guessing myself all the time!❤
Their opinion is the only one that's real and yours is just "arguing."
Nice that we were on the same page!!
@@SurvivingNarcissismYes!!! Even though you’re probably a couple of pages ahead of me.😅
When I paused the video I thought “standing up” was meant in a defiant way. Like “I am going to tell YOU what’s what now!”.
When I first encountered your channel I didn’t even know what narcissism even was.
Even tho I watched other channels as well you are the one that helped me most.
Also because I have a photographic memory and probably am somewhere on the autism scale your peaceful ‘aura’ and setting with the nice paintings and dog in the background always gives me peace of mind when I struggle.
I don’t have anyone who took the effort to understand what it means to have been gaslighted all your life. Nobody really takes me serious anymore because of choices I made involving addiction. But at least now I know it’s not all just on me.
You are helping me so much on my path of recovery!
I could keep writing but before I start to sound weird I just want to thank you from the deep of my heart!
Much love and respect from the Netherlands here!
@@SurvivingNarcissismSo I am definitely not there yet. When I open up about it it always seems to bite me.
I can almost hear the criticism like: - oh he’s just making excuses for himself.
- he’s just self diagnosing in a favourable way to avoid taking responsibility.
- he’s probably one himself.
Maybe I missed it but it would be nice to see a video on the effects of long term exposure.
I know I have a hard time taking advice from anyone.
I have a huge authority conflict problem
Am always guilty of whatever people accuse me of, if it’s true or not.
It would be nice to know if this is common or not. (Going to search for it myself as well of course)
I don't have to excuse or explain myself to my unreasonable, narcissistic, delusional father! I am no-contact with him, it's hard, but worth it!
The day I didn't "take the bait" , went on with moving my belongings out, the look on his face was totally priceless. Total confusion!! Thank you for reaffirming my sanity, with your posts. They have helped me more than I can ever say!!
Because mommy never ever moved out on them 🤷♀️
Narcissists speak in the language of getting narcissistic supply. If the narcissistic supply the narcissist feels temporarily emotionally regulated, but if the narcissistic supply is denied, the narcissist goes into emotional chaos.
@jackilynpyzocha662
0 seconds ago
Dad kept baiting me, I got clever, jumped out of the water, and cut the line, he's out of luck! Good for me!
Oh I been “standing up!” Since 7/8/22 been fighting for custody of my beautiful child against a Sociopathic liar! I will never stop!
@markjayw666 Good luck, and God bless!!! 🙏🙏🙏
I wish I had your strength. I'm already losing the battle to mine.
I’m in the same boat. He is very wealthy and I have nothing and it’s very scary. I just want my daughter to have a good life. Always wondering if I’m doing the right thing. It’s horrible.
Hang in there. Keep your dignity high. You will win in the end. Somehow you will.
Please say a prayer for my children 💕
The choices are either to submit to the narcissist's whim and be subjected to further torment or to stand up to them and be belittled, shunned and have ones reputation smeared. Courage is a requirement to stand up to a narcissist because one knows what is coming and the road ahead will not be easy.
That’s the best description yet. Yes!
100% correct. It's almost like just save your courage and then save your life by getting as far away as possible from the malignant N.
Well said. In my case, I was tormented by my mother and then my sister, in laws and step son. I stood up to each and every one of them-and at this point I have a horrible reputation in my small town. I could care less, my husband and I aren't to be played with-not for one second longer. Freeing indeed.
Pigeons flock, eagles fly alone.
Fitting- 2024:
Ns overpopulated?
I am surrounded by them!
Thank heavens for the decent friends I have and for Dr Carter, lifesavers 💖
and well done for soaring with your hubby, high five to you both. Live a peaceful life now ❤
When I was faced with life or death I found the courage to go. It was very dangerous but actually gave me a sense of empowerment.
I did learn to stand up. I left him. I live my freedom and new apartment. I thank you for ALL you di!😊
Congratulations on your strength ♥️
Good for you!!
@connieberrier323 So happy for you!!! Wishing you all the best!!! 😊👍👍
It's nice to be free. The quiet and peace was hard for me to get accustomed to at first, I had been used to chaos and abuse for so long.
I stood up to him and he discarded me after 32 years of marriage. I couldn't stand his lies and cheating any more and he knew it.
You're free now
Dad is my narcissist, he never cares about me, he's obvious about it, what a jerk! I gave up on his nonsense!
Me too. 32 years of being treated like his mommy instead of his wife and I finally said no more. Two days later he filed for divorce. That was two years ago. It’s hard to start over but I do now believe I should have stood up much much sooner. Now, when challenges arise it’s kind of is easier to resolve them because I can put myself first and not have to protect the little boy in a man suit that I married. My advice have a backup plan financially and have a place to land as you may be abruptly discarded.
I don’t play his games anymore I say what needs to be said and I walk away
Gus seemed pretty interested today! 🙂
I noticed that too😂 stealing my attention, but he's SO extra cute today😊
Before even watching all I could think of is it takes bravery and be ready for them to rage...a battle is inevitable.
❤️🩹
_"I’ll not let a disturbed person determine who I am going to be in this moment"_
This phrase (which I translate into my native language)
from your website, your article of 2020 June 18th
is helping me a lot.
*Thank you* 💠🌟✨
There is no benefit in keeping company with people who consider you to be inferior and deserving of no respect. Let them go and find people who reciprocate love and kindness.
@@michelepascoe6068 I have full and total respect for my daughter. Throughout her college education, we sat together, writing papers her expressing herself with whatever the topic given. During these times, I did learn her perspective on the topic of the paper. I’m not looking to blame her. I’m looking for her to see that I truly care about her and want to apologize for what Ive done in the past. And apologize for being absent for a her.
I know this sentence is highly loaded and will be for most of you read it. But I want everyone to remember none of us can undo the past, but some will be willing to stick to their boundaries that care for their inner selves.. Tthe only way to get there is through communicating. Walking away does not really do much of anything. It does not resolve any problem.
I am not looking for an argument with her. I’m just looking for her perspective when she has time I had time for self-care, and feels ready
I actually do like learning about other people and the way they think. Hoping that maybe sometimes they will challenge an idea that I held strongly. I will be the first to admit I don’t know everything. And certainly not what other people are thinking.
I’m hoping that if she sees this post, she will understand. Maybe if we go to a public location where both of us are less likely to get over excited.
The courage to stand up to a Narc means:
• the courage to let go = you choosing to go no contact and to not engage with a dysfunctional person
• the courage to define who you are = you choosing your own standards, values and higher priorities
• the courage setting your own goals in life = you choosing your own path
• the courage to come to terms with your own core wounds = you choosing your own healing process
Thank you for encouraging. 💪
This is exactly what I've just done. Thank-you. You're a star 🌟
@@yukio_saito You are very welcome, Yukio 🙏
@@amandaliverpool3374 Glad that you had the courage to set yourself free 😊
You are very welcome, Amanda 🙏
excellent summary as you usually provide, roxy.
cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
I have personally found it takes far more than just courage to stand up to the narcissist. Especially if there happens to be communal narcissism taking place. AND depending on what part of the country one might live in since I have also personally discovered certain areas of the country are super saturated with narcissistic people, mindsets, and social “norm.” Along with courage, understanding of the TYPE of narcissism being dealt with is more than useful. Knowing the actual names of certain narcissistic behaviors which accompany each type of narcissism (or at least the type of narcissism being dealt with at the time of taking a stand) can help someone be more prepared for how to respond. Self Awareness is KEY to standing up for one’s self when dealing with a narcissist. The narcissist will bait every chance possible. So being fully aware of one’s triggers is essential to shutting down the bait and switch. TIMING is absolutely crucial to standing up to a narcissist. I don’t mean picking the proper time to do it because let’s face it, confronting bullies always happens on their time, not the bullied. Otherwise they will completely fane innocents not being caught in the act. Timing of the FLOW of the conversation is what I personally believe is crucial. The narcissist will do just about anything in a conversation to create an emotional tornado within you. It’s important to take. you. time. when standing up for yourself. Let there be space between your sentences. Take periodic deep breaths. Have a notebook or piece of paper with you if possible so that you can quickly write down topics the narcissist might word vomit in an attempt to confuse you and and create chaos instead of allowing the conversation stay on point. Initially, it definitely takes courage to stand up to a narcissist. After that, it takes a toolbox of research, therapy, sound doctrine, and lots of practice. If at first you don’t succeed in standing up for yourself- never ever give up!!! YOU are worth it! Even if only to yourself! You are 100% worth standing up for yourself!
KellyJean, I hope many will read your post. You make a lot of sense. Thanks for being you!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Read it, out loud, too. And agree.
Always, I thank you, good comment
Wonderful key points, so well expressed, thank you.
Standing up wasn’t a fighting, aggressive stance. At least not for me. But it was standing my ground. “This far, no farther” is where I was resolute. I reinforced boundaries. I gave no ammunition of accusation by not reacting when I was cajoled.
It takes two to fight, and I refused to fight. When pushed, I merely stepped aside. When baited, I did not bite. That took courage. Find your courage.
I'm glad you found courage 🙏
@@amandaliverpool3374 Courage isn’t necessarily bravery. It often just getting fed up enough to do what is needed. You get to a point where you don’t care so much about your own safety, you just think, “This HAS to stop.” Then you do something.
@aaronkwolfe In saying that, you've shown bravery. It takes bravery not to fight ✌️
You can waste your life away allowing narcissists to get away with it. I simply chose to walk away. I've met lovely people since and never looked back. This doesn't make you a loser at all!! You've had greater time to spend a find true friendships and truly enjoy and laugh with new friends
I verbally agree with him - but then I do what I want and be myself. If pressed, I claim ignorance, leaving him with nothing to say. After trying everything else, that’s what works for me in my particular situation.
😂 i love it.
@@sthomas4634 You have to find what works for you! Congratulations! 🎈
It takes a lot of bravery to stand up to a narcissist, but if you also live with them, it also takes a concrete plan for self protection and split of your household. This last time it was my owned property with a dozen horses to care for, so I didn't have the option to pack up and leave. And he refused to get out until I handed him an eviction notice. I had a valid fear he'd get violent, after finding out his ex wife had a permanent RO for DV against him.
There is no concrete plan in this. 🫂
❤️🩹 I also couldn’t leave or lose my home with him but I went gray rock & he left after 2 restraining orders as well as a deputy telling him not to return
I want to leave but I don't have anywhere to go, and he's telling me to get out. The house is in both of our names but I'm afraid he's going to get violent.
@@pilula65Please see that Dr Carter has a video tomorrow, if you aren't already signed up for notifications.
Better to be safe. Maybe a women's shelter could help? Please keep watching Dr Carter and stay with Team Healthy ❤️🩹🫂
I recently did this with a 3rd in a row narcissistic man just a month ago. I stood up for myself. He was trying to force me to cross my boundaries in the devalue/discard phase of the relationship trying to get me to do things sexually that I told him from the very begging of the relationship was off limits with me because of previous trauma. He’s a sadist. Loud and clear. Twisting the narrative around like I’m a bad person for saying no because I did it with other partners. Clearly he wasn’t considering me at all. Only his own selfish needs that have been fueled by what men see in porn… violence toward women. I told him I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want any more pain. In the beginning he said things like I just want to lay beside you and see what gives you goosebumps. Total switch. Honestly it’s scary because when I met him, I’d already gotten pretty deep into learning all about mental illness and cluster bs. I saw the red flags and we discussed them even him promising he understood what I was saying and saying he wanted the same things I did. He mirrored me for 3 months and then the mask started falling off. Big mistake. When you don’t have a proper support system you want to believe people care about you. I wanted to believe. Now I know better.
🎉 Me, too! ❤
We care here @ Team Healthy 💔❤️🩹♥️
I am sorry you were treated poorly by this guy. However, your reaction and response to his behavior show you have made and are making great strides in your own healing and building of self-respect, self-love, and self-confidence. I, for one, am very proud of you!
Yes I know what you mean my family supported him as did his he could do no wrong
It's very lonely without family but you KNOW it's for the best
Appreciate the help you have given all of us! 💪🙏
There's no talking to my husband. Within one minute, he shuts you down by talking over you or getting angry. So I basically just grey rock him all the time! When I need to say something important, I text him. His response usually is "F.U." And mine is I expected that." But, at least he reads what I have to say! The woman in Dr C's story reminded me of my husband's response. 😅😲😂
Why stay married to someone like that
Any communication with a Narc is futil for they might have physical working ears but will not listen to you anyway. So it's like they are constantly wearing earplugs. For a real communication you need a transmitter and a receiver. They are not able to receive for they want to be the transmitter only - to fill your mind with their nonsense and confusion.
Spot on! 🌸
Not listening to others is a big red flag. 🚩 I minimize communication with them and stop trusting them when I see it. 🤐
@@yukio_saito Yes. If they're not listening, you HAVE to stop talking!
@@amandaliverpool3374 Thanks, Amanda. And I totally agree, what you said to Yukio 😉
@@yukio_saito Yes, when someone is never listening it is indeed a red flag. But not every person, who sometimes not intentionally is able to listen, is necessarily toxic. I am autistic and when I'm overwhelmed, especially in groupsettings, it is difficult for me to process with the result that I have to shut down.
I’ve done exactly this. I have been ostracized, alienated and shut out of the family. I don’t regret standing up for myself but it’s very hard emotionally, mentally, and even financially to be completely cut out. For doing nothing else wrong but saying enough is enough when it comes to abuse.
I don’t let the idiots run over me ! But I don’t say a word to them, it is the means of an attorney, leaving without saying a word , walking away from them, not being around them , shutting them completely out of my life ! I don’t even say anything, I just take actions because words don’t mean anything to them, I just take actions ! Actions speak louder than words to them and everyone else !
The narcissist tried to bait me after he abandoned the relationship and his son. Even the last text he sent me full of blame shifting about the fact that he did not have a relationship with the son that he left with me for close to 3 years. I text him back and told him " you're not going to blame me for the mess you made of your life". I wished him healing. He died in June and I'm so grateful that I'm not grieving tha
t death. After he abandoned the relationship it took me three years to work through all the feelings that I had but I was determined to do it so now I feel so free and at peace
A very peaceful calm came into my life when, at last, I took a stand. Now when I must be in the presence of someone with this type of personality, it no longer shakes me. It's the Power of ME! I will never again allow them to dim my light. Staying Healthy!
That's exactly what I like to hear!!!
I decided that I won't be abused(not that I ever wanted to be, or agreed to abuse) by dad, in my mind. I win! Going nil to no-contact helps!
This is an INCREDIBLE confirmation for me, Les - Thank You. I recently had a "Blowout" with a Dear Friend I've known for 16-years - most unfortunate. As it is, I will NOT allow someone to "Lord it OVER me" telling me what I "Owe them." I will not tolerate someone trying to manipulate me to serve THEIR Will. Done is done. . .
It's different when it's at a job or in academia, and that narcissist is your boss or supervisor.
The narcissists in my life just tried another attack and their boss called me to remonstrate with me, until I gave her an earful about their behavior.
I had wanted to write her a letter but I was able to stand up to them and let someone above them know what they're doing.
She offered me some help, which I have desperately needed.
Not to scare anyone, but the last time I stood up to my narcissist spouse and told her she can not steal from me and then just ignore me when I try to confront her about it, I was literally BATTERED. My body was bruised for 3 weeks after. And yes, the police and protective orders and the courts were later involved. I tell this not as a testament to the courage it takes to confront a narcissist, but simply what you can expect from them in return!
Don’t trip over what is behind you! I decided to reground myself. At first I began listening to happy music. I walk 4-5 miles a day. And I think the best way out of a toxic relationship is to create a stepping stone towards a brighter goal. I decided to move abroad with my mother who has dementia. She’s 88 and I am her sole caretaker. We are moving to the happiness of my family abroad. I laugh with them, and they truly have my back. That’s what I want, so here I go!!!😊
I'm living with my 90 year old Mother so that she can remain in her home. In order to literally survive her narcissism, I am glued to your channel. When I do set boundaries, she gets violently ill and goes to bed for several days.
I have a lifelong history of being highly reactive to her barbs.
If I can survive, emotionally healthy, I will have surmounted something I've never been able to do.
I'm the family scapegoat. To learn my boundaries and learn not to take it inside and not to react would be beyond amazing.
Every single one of your videos brings an amazing amount of healing. Thank you.
Last night I listened to one of your videos on suppression of my real self. I ended up going, “I’m not sure if I disclose myself to the narcs, that it won’t be used against me. Today this popped up after I’d been in prayer. I’ve not defended myself to most of my family. I knew the smear campaign was in full force. Today I decided to address my narc’s daughter and just tell her outright what a bully her mom was, and another sister as well. I just said I’m done being their doormat and lunching bag. I let her know that she’d never SEE it because that’s how they are. In the end I said I would still like to be in their lives but if they can’t do that, I’m ok. I feel so Good for telling the truth. This niece was on my heart to share with. Eventually I’ll text the narcs. I’ll wait till I know it’s the right time. Right now I have another brother in the hospital.
I learned the hard way what a waste of time to proclaim my
freedom and individuality. I'm shutting up and making my plans...
When I stood up to my family of narcs, my narc sister told me I will lead a lonely life and grow old alone. 😂. I said “with such toxic relationships- I am that now”.
i’m with the little sunday school lady - i like her punctuation! 😂
I was reading Dr Ramani's recent book. I love how she talks about our survival tactics in our narcissistic relationships. It is ingrained in our nervous system. When the narcissist comes at us, we either take the position of fight, flight, freeze or faun. Those reactions are normal to an abnormal behavior. Narcissists have a lovely (cough) way of belittling you. They know they can. They pull out all the stops to make you feel small. Since much of my growing was consistent inconsistency, it feels as those my reactions are rooted deeply in my nervous system. My heart starts racing. My stomach hurts. I tend to go completely numb. While I know not to react negatively, it's not always (or feels) like I have any control over it.
For the physical symptoms check dr Janina Fisher's Workbook and also Deb Dana books (and/or some interviews to these professionals). Moreover, look for some videos with sensorymotor therapy, polyvagal theory and all similar methods. Just short (a few minutes) and easy exercises.
There is a lot of free stuff on youtube, many free lessons, etc. The most simple exercises are very helpful.
For example the basic exercise for the vagus nerve ( >> the one in which you just move your eyes. Or the one you massage some points in your ears... )
Enough is enough. We must not enable evil. Thank you for everything you said dr Carter. I can relate entirely.
This content is a strong declaration of a healthy person's affirmation towards freedom to toxic narcissistic people.
Thank you for this, Dr. C ❤
You get it!
Your videos always make me nod my head. I wish I couldn't relate, but I do. Thankfully I'm not married to her anymore, but it has messed me up. I own the fact that I had no real boundaries as a people pleaser, but she certainly helped me along in the inevitable ending of losing myself along the way. I'm continually working on myself, but her antics were crazy making and it's taking a long time for me to get to a place of healing. Today is my first treatment of TMS therapy. A decade of abuse doesn't go away easily, but your videos help. Thank you.
Thanks for your comments, Eric. They are inspiring!
As of today, I am rebuilding my good life inside a rented apartment. I now have custody of my 2 boys. She made a call to the cops about my 12 years old kid saying he was menacing. Part of this I believe but I know my boy is good when he is with me. An agency for kids wrote to me yesterday that she needs to cancel the meeting between my youngest and the mother in the interest and well-being of the boy. Now we leave almost drama free. The future looks brighter each day.
How very true!
Nothing as frustrating for a peace loving person who wants at all costs ti avoid conflict and violence to be a witness of a narcissists unfairness towards vulnerable people and not speaking up.
And after being liberated from the tyrant, the shameful regret of not having had the courage to stand up against tyranny.
Resilience when victimised is on thing, not having stood up in time for other victims is painful
During the love-bombing season, the future victim sees the narcissist’s tyrannical behaviour towards vulnerable people, before the love-bombing ceases and he himself becomes the victim.
Lesson learnt: stand up against tyranny towards others before becoming a victim yourself.
100%!! My brother and sister in law tried so many different manipulation tactics with me. Baiting, gaslighting, blaming/shaming, etc. I tried to grey rock which worked for a while, but then they started bringing the rest of the family into it by constantly calling me out to everyone for not being very engaging with them and how hurt they were because of that. I tried giving it one more try for the rest of the families sake and their behavior towards me ended up being even worse. I finally just sent my brother and SIL an email that had the rest of the family cc'd on and and let them know I'm completely done being their scapegoat and that I will ignore any attempt they make to gaslight, manipulate, shame, etc.. I know it doesn't work for everyone, but it's been over a year since I sent that email and I've been left alone ever since. It's been incredibly peaceful. ❤
My mother exactly ! Determined to control me . I had to stand up to her daily as she tried everything to break me.
Amen. The courage to be. Me.
Thank you DR C for helping me process my emotions after standing up and cutting off the narcissists in my life!!
Once I realized her words were empty, merely wind in the trees designed to frighten, enrage, or confuse me, they lost all meaning; so I see no reason to respond or react to her gibberish. Her power, as is her persona, is rooted in lies. See the lies, and you destroy the narcissist’s power.
A lie is as empty as the narcissist is!(my phrase!_
I saw my therapist today after a break. I finally went off (embarrassingly bad) to my older parents.
I just couldn’t take the crap anymore. I feel really bad about what I did, but I lost it!
I’m going back to my psychiatrist and get back on meds. I know I have anger issues, but this is from years of stress, trauma and abuse.
I’m so sick of it. I want so badly to be authentic, but I don’t know who that even is.
I have a lot of personal stress right now and my family is aware of my problems.
Yes. I’m struggling, but I don’t need them to stress me out anymore!
So I’m going no contact for the last time in my life.
Yes, I’ve made mistakes, plenty, but I’m tired of being reminded of them all the time by two entitled older people.
Dad blames me for abusing me, what a narcissistic, sadistic jerk! I gave up on dealing with him!
Sounds like you are in a difficult transition. If I may, I would like to encourage you to keep going, keep pursuing the truth and your freedom, and to look up the term "reactive abuse" if you haven't already. Blessings to you!
@@jennifermoore4246 oh, I totally did the reactive abuse! I admit it. I knew what I did the second I did it. I wished I could take it back, but I can’t.
It’s been 60 years and I apparently did not have the wherewithal to do it properly. Yes, I screwed it up, but I don’t want to go back. Too many years of going back with no changes on their part.
I’ve prayed for forgiveness. Best I can do.
Too tired.
Hmmmm… when I look back, I realize I’ve stood up to most, if not all of the narcissists in my life. Punishments came from my parents ages ago but asserting myself felt more important.
Fortunately, whenever I felt anger, my mind took over and said things correctly.
🫂
This sure hit a nerve and a bullseye. Exercising these tactics confirmed to them that I really was the worst person ever. How I would have loved to see them pitched up with you, Dr. Carter. If only!
Stand up for your rights ✅️ 💪
- B. Marley
I stood up to my haughty, much taller and larger older sister narc one time, and got thrown across the kitchen. I didn't back down though. After I made sure none of my bones were broken and I wasn't bleeding, I told her the next time she put her hands on me, or even gets within the 3 ft. of my personal space without my permission, I would call the police on her. That shocked her enough, but when I told her how humiliated she'll be when ALL the neighbors would watch her being arrested in handcuffs and marched out of her opulent house to be put in a police car, that stopped her physical abuse. Her fake and phony image she portrayed to the outside world was more important than anything to her. The look of absolute horror was hysterical! I wish I got it on video, because I'd replay it every time she started in on me. She still screamed at me and raged, but never hit, punched, kicked, or threw me across a room again. 🙏🤣😁👍
Pick your words carefully? Nah, I've hit the narcissists I've had dealings with right between the eyes so to speak in no uncertain terms!
I agree with this and it works. I have taught myself to have no emotional feelings when verbally attacked and also have no answers verbally when attacked. I do not expect gratification but give plenty of it because that is what the narcisist really needs and it gives them some fulfillment. At first it is seen as an act and it is abused and trigering, but keep doing it and it eventually sinks in. I believe this can only work if you really do love the narcisist. It is a difficult road and un nerving at times and takes a long time to work. If a narcisist is physically abusive, then this is dangerous and intolerable. These are my opinions based on learning from these videos and my own experiences.
Thank you Dr C. it's so healing to hear this specially when you don't have the option of going no contact and must face interaction with this person on daily basis. Thanks again for taking your time creating this content.
This is spot on. I put up with an abusive sister for decades. Finally, this past Christmas, she was so rude to me that I had had enough. After everybody else left, I let her have it. She wanted me to do something for her, and I said I would not, because she had been so rude to me. When she started accusing me of various things, I said, "Shut up." Later in the conversation I said, "F*** off." This is not my usual MO at all.
The problem in my family is that if she attacks me, everybody else stays quiet so as not to be the next victim. They just watch. If I fight back, then they accuse ME of making trouble. So I waited until they were gone so that I would not be blamed as usual. They don't want to "deal with it," because it's convenient for them if I am the scapegoat. They certainly don't want to be!
I did not attend the next family event at all, and I told my other sister why. I don't want to avoid the family completely at Christmas because it is one of the few times I see certain people. But it makes me mad when my mean sister abuses me in front of everybody. She does this to isolate me, because she knows that nobody will defend me, and I will feel betrayed and alone. Which I do.
But saying f*** off helped a lot! I pretended to be very, very angry, and I tried to be a bit scary. (What a surprise from polite me.) I also wrote her an email saying that I expected her to treat me with dignity, respect, and civility. (Thanks, Dr. C!) In the past I had emailed her about her bad behavior but she always just denied it happened. This time I just laid out my expectations for her future behavior. She treats other people well, so I know she could treat me better. (She also is very rude sometimes to my dad's caregiver.)
Later that summer, we were both at a wedding. She avoided me in the days before the wedding, but at the wedding itself she was reasonably civil. This will almost certainly not last.
I have a family full of narcissists.
I can relate!
The phrase broad shoulders really is key when dealing with annoying folk, whether they are narcs is irrevelant, thanks Dr. C and stay calm good folk don't rise to their bait, you're off their hook. That line snapped a while ago and now I simply can't be arsed.
I want to thank you Dr. Carter for all the time and work you’ve put into making these videos free for the public.
They were a catalyst point in my healing journey and probably helped save my life if I’m being completely honest.
Thank you ❤🙏
So pleased for you!
My not dealing with him is my way to "stand up to the narcissist(him-Dad). My win!
Thank you for your wisdom. Really needed this today!! Their invalidations do not negate what is true!!!
Thank you, Dr Carter. People need to be ready to hear this message, I found out the hard way, trying to help a newly arrived neighbour. He has trouble with the resident MN, a horrible, horrible woman. First he gave in to her demands, but of course, he thought it'll all be good. He didn't realize that it only makes her increase her demands and make her do sneaky, shiftly little things, to aggrevate the situation. So sneaky and shifty, that it's hard to get law enforcement or strata management to stop her. Finally, when he woke up, he got angry. Justified anger. Poor old man, I feel so sorry for him. So now, he stood up to her, but in a very emotional way and she called the cops, he had 3 policeman on his door. She probably did the usual "I'm a single woman, vulnerable, he is Middle Eastern, many friends, I feel threatened." Thank God they weren't stupid, and were nice to him, and told her that in Australia, streets belong to the Council, and she can't go around telling people where to park. This poor old man is so respectful of people, so polite, harmless, minding his own business, has to use a walking stick. What an evil woman. He's got to learn to remain cool around her, or to just ignore her, I hope he will learn, for his own sanity.
❤ thank you. The only way I can describe how I feel right now, is like I feel a sense of permission to do what's good for me...
My grandaughter....i said enough is enough...im not giving into your control/manipulation anymore....when you want to act like a adult and QUIT SCREAMING....ill talk to you.......but until then im not talking to you...
I started to walk away and she started screaming again..." I m actin like a adult"...
I said your still screaming and walked away...she has not spoke to me....but plays the whole family against me......argh !!!
One day she'll he sorry.....
😮😢😥
I hate cowards.
Archiving this one as well. What a wonderful mindset to give us, no explaining, no defending, no justifying just making our own decisions for ourselves about how we see it and the actions that we will take towards our own self preservation. I don’t need him to tell the truth or acknowledge what has happened. I can trust myself, I can stand in that. I have wasted too many years trying to have acknowledgment or wanting some sort of accountability.
Dr C, Lifesaver and Sage…! 🛟 ✝️
Les is always more.
That made me smile!
Finding Dr. C and Team Healthy has saved my sanity. I’m in later life and leaving is not an option. I am learning to set boundaries but I have great difficulty when my husband and I are with family or in a group socially. When we are with other people and his behaviour is inappropriate, I feel panicked and can’t find my voice. I also don’t want to escalate the situation. What can I do?
@@judithcaines4009 Dear Judith, welcome to Team Healthy! Glad that you found Dr Carter's channel to save your sanity.
It's quite difficult to give appropirate advice from a distance, not knowing your circumstances well enough. As you say that you feel panicked and can't find your voice, tells me that there is a lot of fear inside of you. Well, my spontanous idea when you feel panick, leave the situation (for example go to the toilet), and take some deep breaths to find your center again.
All the best for you and take good care of yourself 🙏💛🙏
So well stated Roxy. Judith if you can read some George K Simon books. You may want to start with In Sheep's Clothing to understand why you are feeling the way you are.
I cannot thank you enough Dr. C for the much needed validation. I stuck up for myself a lot of damage was already done, but you help me so much. God bless you heart.
Glad it was helpful!
8:15 that’s me so much pain and anger is coming out even at work trying to hide it.
Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and expertise on this complex subject!!!!! Listening to you has helped me so much in my situation!!!!!! Thank you!!!!!
I've long stopped playing along with her game. I'll be kind to her as long as she behaves like a normal person but the moment she goes off on one, I call her out. I simply state that I'm not accepting her behaviour and if she needs an anger fix, she can have it by herself. The only time when I can't walk away is when we're in the car. I usually drive and she often has all sorts of criticisms about my driving. (I've been driving for more than 50 years, never had an accident) When it gets too bad, I just stop and let her drive.
Thank-you, Dr. Carter.
Dr. CARTER...you have been such a great help to me. I wish you would sell mugs so that I can see your face at the beginning of each day on my tea cup. Bless you for doing this. Really. You have given me some freedom and confidence.
I told him I didn't want continue to receive verbal abuse and drama dumping, and he was so kind to me saying that I deserve the worst thing that can happen to me :) because I said goodbye forever
Dr Les, you are such a gem and you sound like my Daddy wise and kind and always a pleasure to have you as a resource in this world of word salad a lies with a manipulator and ways to difuse the situation so I don't lose my Southern mind cuz what I am saying in my head to the narc is not what is in the bible, God Bless you
You are quite welcome!
Thank you for this video and your channel. My daughter is a Narcissist. Breaks my heart but I know I have to stand tall!
It's truly sad when it is your own child. My heart goes out to you.
I never let him completely dominate me, but lately I went back to being my true self, and of course I'm ridiculed for that. As if matters to me🙄
Good for you. 🙂
Walked away from abusive parents to buried myself for 40 years in marriage. The childhood memories faded or healed but this new forgotten memories hurt. I can’t when they control everything in house income everything
Friday September 6
Hi Les, I watch your videos on a fairly regular basis
For the better part of my adult life, I’ve struggled with bipolar disorder. I fought against medication but finally I knew I had to put my family first and began taking medication. It was difficult to find one that had the least disturbing side effects and I had to keep reminding myself that I couldn’t stop taking them. At this time I was almost 30y/o and my children were 10 and 7. My husband was With us but was a functional alcoholic
I know my daughter considers me to be the worst parent ever but I didn’t know that at the time. I thought things were going well. She lived at home with us until she was about 25.
Over the years, my passive aggressive husband would have whispering angry outbursts at me about her behavior and those of her then boyfriend. Needless to say, I ended up saying something to them almost every week about one thing or another. I became frustrated at him for putting me in the middle. Of course, to my daughter I looked like the bitch.
(There’s a lot of other under the surface stuff that I can only imagine the details.)
OK so here we are: she moves back home. She buys her own food and contributes Nothing to utility bills and uses my car day or night when it is available. I know they were time she was not even home when I had to go to work the next morning off and leaving me to be late. After losing my ability to drive due to health related problems, I needed her to bring me places, and she began calling me a narcissist. I feel that since she had free reign of my car, she could at least drive me to an appointment where she could sit in the car and listen to the radio and text her friends while she waited.
We’re talking about narcissism she did not bring up the specific word or name. She brought up that she was not allowed into her bedroom on one birthday when her father decided not to let her go in because he wanted to surprise her with a new bed she would transition into after getting out of the toddler bed. Yes, this was a long time ago. She never brought it up to either one of us during a conversation there were maybe a couple of other things she brought up but not how much it bothered her and things that were long in her distant pass.
For years, I thought that we were doing OK and having a good relationship because she did not discuss any of this with us. It’s fine if she wants to consider either me or my husband and narcissist but I think it is her responsibility to discuss these things with us before cutting off the relationship.
How would you advise either her or us to handle the situation? With those of us, keeping in mind that we cannot erase time and what has been done.
I’m sorry this is so long I am just wondering because I’m sitting here alone again
Dr. C., I just watched your interview with Doug Bopst on his channel and found it very helpful. It was a very well-rounded presentation. I was shocked with my reaction to your description of a "good guy", which was "does such a person really exist?" I'm pretty sure they don't. My father was a good guy but it wasn't until his later years that emotional discussions were allowed. Of course. for the majority of his life, my mom was ever present and directed and dominated all conversations. Still, I don't think these people actually exist (in a reachable form).
Glad it was helpful!
@@SurvivingNarcissism You're always helpful.
Thank u, thank u, thank u, Dr. C 🤗🤗💓🙏🕊!!! I adore u! Thank u for all ur work. God bless u and Team Healthy 🕊🙏💓🤗🤗🙌
You are quite welcome.
I was not enabling, however I was ignorant. I did not understand pathological, meaning broken in the same ways, forever. Know your/you're love
One finds oneself adapting reactively to their behavior, they remain calm in public as they gaslight you like a gun ready cocked right before, and they act as if you are nobody, and are not even there.
I totally agree that we stand up to the Nark it validates our heart ♥
It does no one any favor to continue to enable the narcissist.
I chose after 60 years of dead end conversations, I went the route of no contact, no explanation they’ll take care of that, but standing up to them in my experience is a bad idea, just get out and stay out. Blank out social media that their on, erase contact info, and don’t engage with them if you happen to boom into each other. If this works for other people great, I love your channel but I disagree on today’s topic. I look forward to seeing your future content, cheers!