Thank-you, Dr. Carter. I had no idea I had been so scared and so lonely in my marriage until after getting away from him. Another thing he did was to try and use what his therapist said to him in a way to control me, too. He lied and said he needed therapy to deal with his childhood abuse issues. I understood and was very supportive. However, I was blindsided learning that he was complaining about me to his therapist. Then add him saying "my therapist said..." After two months of that, I found the courage not only to make him leave but also to tell him that from now on what is said between him and his therapist is to remain between the two of them. Your podcast today has been so helpful. Each podcast helps me to process not only my pain. They also are educating, confirming and provide a feeling of belonging - that I'm not alone with what I dealt with and continue to heal and process.
Thanks you ....yes ! 🙏🧡🎯💎✌️ You have to run if you can find a way out because even if it served them to treat you right, their brainwashed kill switch over rides everything and they "have to be right" even and especially when they're wrong and/or it risks the lives of others, especially their target scapegoat. Bless you❤@@corinnawinkler1872
No matter what approach you take, what theories you use, and which angles you approach it from, it will always be about them. It has always been about them, and it will always be about them! Don't wish, want, hope, or wait, don't bet, negotiate, or settle ! It is about them period ! Incase that was unclear. It has never been about you, it will never be about you, it is about them, to infinity and beyond! If they feel like it isn't about them, they will go to extreme and disturbing lengths to make it about them! Lastly is only it about them! RUN!
"Understand the truth of what you are dealing with"...this is so true and so important. I am discovering how the abuse has affected me and how damaging it has been. Getting educated and seeing things for what the are has been a lifesaver. Healing truly begins here.
Absolutely NO contact has been my go to for the last 2 and a half yrs. Work for me, peace, quiet, no anxiety, soul at Rest now. Thanks Dr. C. And Team Healthy! Hugs for Guss ❤
Educate. Elevate. Self. And then remember not to be too hard on yourself. We don’t know what we don’t know. Be honest while you learn. Love yourself too much to allow the patterns to continue. Love you, DrC and Team Healthy! Edited for typos
Personally the worst common pattern for me is their agressiveness in all their forms, whether active, passive or somewhere in between. It's an attack! It shows...their inmaturity... ...their frustration - "I do not get what I want in this very moment!" ...their need for attention -"Look at me! I matter!" ...their projection - "It's all your fault!" ...their gaslighting - "You need to feel guilty!" ...their missing responsibility for their own feelings - "You are responsible for my feelings!" ...their inability and blindness to look inwardly - "I can only see on the outside of myself." ...their inner confusion - "There is only chaos inside of me!" ...their manipulation technique of making them big/superior and you small/less -"I have the right to be above you!" ...their inability to regulate their own feelings - "I do not know how to calm down by myself!" ...their inability to care about your feelings - "Hurting you gives me the power to survive!"
Its heartbreaking when it is your own mother doing this to you. Thank you, Dr. C for giving me space to realize it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her.
They are toxic to be around, they are even dangerous as they can cause a great deal of emotinal pain , however now that I'm in no contact and I watch this video, the only feeling I trully feel for them is sorry I honestly feel a deeply sorry for them as they are so empty inside. Great video doctor! Thank you! ❤
Narcisists need their alternate reality but I don’t and keeping our eyes and minds on the truth, love, dignity, respect and civility and living with internal peace is our protective shield while dealing with those broken souls. Thank you dr Carter ❤ God bless you ❤
Unpacking a Narcissistic personality - lets see - damaged, moldy, crusty, decaying...Nothing else to see here! Movin' along to open and enjoy my Healthy! Stay Healthy!!
@@elcee7800I am truly sorry for the pain this has caused you. Consider wherever he goes it's a lateral move at best. Always requiring more, new supply, never getting enough, never having real connection. You, on the other hand, can move up! Keep educating yourself. Embrace your authenticity. And never let anyone hold you down or hold you back. Believe me - the journey is so worth it. Let me just say I'm cheering you on! Make your next best move! Be well.
@@BaraSchmidt I know him VERY well and I know your words would apply to him. Nothing is shiny and new enough, no day is soon enough. (As for me - slow and steady wins the race.) Thanks xo😘
You have helped me a lot to understand, that it wasn't all my fault. I didn't know about Narcissism, but how I have opened my eyes. And Sunday was the last time he laid his hand on me! I did it and I am starting my journey to recovery from narcissistic trauma. Thank you 🙏🏻
I asked the narcissist in counseling if they intended to be honest and she said yes, but continued the same lies and deception. I then looked at her and said I’m not going to continue to engage with this deception.
Same thing happened to me. He sat there and lied to the therapist. Afterwards, I told him that I would no longer return if he planned on continuing in that manner. I’ve never experienced anything like that. It was recently suggested that we return to counseling together but I decided that I would not entertain that drama again.
I'd have to say they're sadistic. Most are sadists IMO. They send mixed signals. When I still cared about the nex and couldn't understand the nex's absences, he delighted in my agony. But when I changed and prayed he'd stay gone, he'd be angry that I wasn't shoveling in loads of supply to inflate his larger than life ego.
The narc is doomed to the same cycle of failure, they are wrong to begin with, but they won't be told that they're wrong, so they cannot learn how to do it right (this is/can be anything in life even their EVERYTHING). No matter what you do, they will insist they are correct and you are wrong even if you show them the right way to do things, at which point they will assume that action to be of their own determination/direction and you're wrong for not having known better.
I finally said that the chaos on their side is theirs. "you need your alternate reality - but I don't! If you can't come to terms with the (predictable) patterns that disrupt our relationship, and decide to accept what I have to offer (less that your perfect image) which is all I have - then we will have a limited relationship. It has been almost 2 years and I am in peace with their decision. No chaos here in my life since they chose to cut me out. It is a strange peace but it is PEACEFUL.
This is everything about my mother-in-law. Big day for me today. I didn't show up on family meeting for the first time. Bit nervous, but I've planned fun day with my friend instead.
No point trying to persuade the narcissist or those they’ve convinced against you, that you are worth accepting. They interpret anything you do or say, as bad. So detach emotionally, accept the losses and let go.
They do tend to believe they can read minds...and, that you, in return, should also be able to read their mind. Perfectly, and on demand, you should already KNOW what they want, at ALL times... EVERY TIME. Another tool they use.
Absolutely tremendous DR Le's, Thank you so much for this, You're a great bloke, Thank you for everything, I won't be pulled in to their alternate reality, They = These two can't handle the truth :-) I know they seething :-) I raise my iron fist and shatter :-) Peace, love and respect to you Gus and everyone, Thank you universe, All glory praise and smiles to the most high :-)
Yes, we have our deep-seated past heartbreak but we went forward with the healthy conviction of promise and hope. Instead, more heartbreak is loaded up. This was blatantly not the intention.
That was exactly what I needed today. Thank you for your wisdom and calm firmness. This has really helped me regain my confidence and steadfast resolve to navigate my relationship. No budging. No reacting. No arguing. No more supply. My happiness is back.
I've heard Dr. C say the difference between them acting out shut down mode and us leaving a toxic situation for safety is intention. It still gets foggy for me to differentiate at times. They probably say we're acting out toxic shut down mode towards them. They will spin anything as if we're committing the toxic, actions. That's hard to remember correctly about at times. Like a hard math problem or foreign language that's hard to understand.
Something happened with mother before age 3 (illness or absence or enmeshment) that caused the narcissist not to separate & grow emotionally using a transitional object like a stuffed animal or a blankey. Lack of object constancy as well as whole object relations results… this is truly an attachment disorder that cannot be overcome in later years
One of the things which troubled me the most about my Narcissistic mother, was the way that she would come out with a statement about something that had happened in a particularly firm voice, As though that was enough to make it true. She really seemed to believe that her saying something was enough to make something true. As she was extremely violent, I would usually say nothing but I couldn't help thinking, actually that is not what happened & no matter how many times you say that's what happend it dosen't change what actually did happen.
Yes, and maybe if your isolated and it doesn't get challenged you start to not question what they say. I don't remember a lot in my childhood but at some point that lightbulb went on. I think they say it out of fear to trust others.
My notes, with time stamps (for this very helpful video!): 1:54 You can fall into the unhelpful response of trying to convince them that they need to be honest with themselves. Keep in mind that narcissists hide behind the veneer of a false self. Emphasis on the word false. They can't manage the truth about who they are. 2:28 At least you can be the one that says "Well I can make honest interpretations with respect to what's going on when these bad habits come in my direction." The more you have awareness and insight about what truly drives them, then the less you're going to get suckered into all of the maladaptive responses you can have towards them. Knowledge is power and your awareness is going to be your friend. 3:13 ONE - They can have very easy and reflexive reactions of anger. It doesn't take much to trigger them. They can seethe with grudges or contempt toward the other individual, but the anger is just right there underneath the surface. What they're going to do is say "It's all because of you." As they come toward you with the anger and all of the implications that go along with it, their anger is not really about you. It's about the pain that that they've been carrying for decades that they're not coming to terms with. 4:53 TWO - They can come toward you with automatic defensiveness. It's not like it builds up slowly. Suppose you just say something very simple that is of a different nature than them or you want them to notice something that could be done in a better way, they'll go into rationalization or projection or displacement or they'll just clam up and throw their walls up. How are we going to interpret their automatic defensiveness? The narcissist is implying "I have learned that there is no one trustworthy in my world and that includes you." Where did that come from? In their deep history, they learned that openness and vulnerability get them in trouble. It was going to cause a loss of stature. So they're bringing that presumption to you when in fact it may have nothing to do with you. 6:11 THREE - Narcissists can hold unbending opinions. Your different opinion means that you are against them. When narcissists just cling to their opinions and take no input. Their interpretation is that empathy doesn't work. "I don't want to learn about you. Trying to understand you takes up too much psychological energy. On top of that, if I show understanding toward you it diminishes my sense of power and I've got to have power. I'd rather be right than loving or connected." 7:35 FOUR - They can be hypercritical. We can all have moments where we say "That doesn't work for me. I don't care for this." but narcissists are masters at finding many reasons to reject other individuals or declare other people as defective. In their psychological laziness they think "I don't want to have to think. I don't have to work at trying to understand individuals. It's just a whole lot easier to criticize and dismiss other people. Problem solved." 8:29 FIVE - Another pattern is their tendency to ignore you and go into shutdown mode. Sometimes when narcissists feel most exasperated they can just go incommunicado for a long period of time. Actually, there's no such thing as no communication. Everything communicates something. But they can give you the silent treatment. They can emotionally or physically withdraw. They can keep secrets. They can become evasive. My interpretation is it's their way of saying "Your independence threatens me." When you just say "I just want to be me. I want to have thoughts and feelings and priorities," they are like "I can't deal with that." It's like "I don't know what to do when you're a free person." And you could say "Flow with me. How about that?" They can't do that. When they ignore you, it's their way of saying "I feel defeated but at least I can try to make you squirm. Then maybe, somehow, that tactic will make you come over to my side." Not a very good strategy. 9:44 SIX - Another pattern is that they can smear your character, to your face or to others. The interpretation that I put on their smear campaign is that they're thinking "If I can make you look bad, then it allows me to control the narrative about myself. If I can let everybody know how miserable you are, then I can be the victim." 10:46 Their lack of honesty is tied directly to their need for a scapegoat. It's tied directly to their invalidation of people. It's tied directly to them being heavily invested in image crafting. It's tied directly to them lying so easily. It's tied directly to them vying for the superior position. It's tied directly to them holding others in contempt. It's tied directly to their astonishing lack of reasoning. And it's tied directly to their rejecting you over minutia. They have so much chaos on the inside and they cannot even acknowledge the fact and they certainly won't interpret it correctly. 11:40 So your task, even though they can't handle the truth, is to understand the truth about what you're dealing with. I'm hoping that in your mind you can think to that narcissist "I know that you need your alternate reality, but I don't. If you can't come to terms with your perpetual patterns that are bringing disrupted elements to our relationship, I'm going to be honest about it and we're going to have a limited relationship at best."
Yeah a beloved support person once shared with me that we don’t make anyone feel/be something. For the person that often says stuff like if you didn’t do such and such, I wouldn’t have to yell or be angry! Or “you made me angry!” I’ve heard it said, “if I had a remote to control you, I’d have you be so in love with me or say sweet things. I wouldn’t use that control to make you angry with me.” That broke a huge paradigm in my head where everything was always my fault or somehow I’m the cause for the other person’s feelings or behaviors. That’s their responsibility, not mine. My hands are full managing my own thoughts/feelings!!! 🤪🤪
Dated a guy for 2 months and realized quickly that he is a narc, so I broke it off with him. My partner before him was diagnosed with acute leukemia and only lived 3.5 months after that-an extremely difficult time. This guy sent a pic he must have gotten from Facebook of my partner and I and captioned it with "Looks like a happy couple." I could not catch my breath. That knife went straight thru my heart. How could someone be so cruel-literally heartless??
Just googled this wonderful expression! And... one of the _several_ theories about its origins it's ... Sort of Italian origin 😁 (Italy here. Love all the slang things) 💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚
In an intimate setting when u tell them no or not to do something they don't listen they think they own u and can do whatever they want with no consequences pure evil I know first hand God is showing u the truth about them don't ignore God's warnings He loves u
That's great, because setting boundaries can be such a mystery for people and a lot of people don't understand what that even means, or what it looks like. The term setting boundaries isn't a clear enough phrase for everyday people to just get when you hear somebody say it. It's one of those things that you have to explain in great detail until a better catch phrase comes along. Maybe "limiting access" would be a little more clear to the average listener .
So I'm the narcissist for going "incommucado" with a narcissist 'friend'? I was mentally and physically exhausted after being with her. And yes, I stopped talking to her about myself as she used my issues as a way to put blame on me without knowing the circumstances. She was argumentative with me and told people that I was. I'm sure she has done a smear campaign on me.
Thank you. Yes, you repeat. But it takes repetition and different words, to break the hypnosis of ignorance and trauma "bonds" or entrapment. I always get something from your videos, a new piece, idea, or perspective, or at least validation on difficult, difficult work.
My narc husband calls his mother after I go to bed. I got up hearing his phone call. He then insulted me in front of his mother (my moral turpetude). I was not happy. When I asked him, "Why did you say that?" he responded, "She is deaf anyway." He always insults me either in front of her or on the phone. I do not find this acceptable.
My brother (in a slightly hurt tone): I don’t step all over anyone’s boundaries. Me: Right. That’s why you’re a claims adjuster at a health insurance company. 🙄
Oh my word, this is my husband to a T. Some of it is my middle sister also. Recently they both have decided to ignore me due to me trying to become more independent….my husband of 12 years is now in an emotional affair with a coworker. Before that I found out about his secret life after 10 years of marriage, and just recently learned that the majority of my family are narcissists and so is my husband apparently. I’m tired of walking around on eggshells whenever I’m around him, and hate that my three young kids are no longer seeing a “happy” marriage. I have no support system which makes it that must harder for me to enforce my boundaries or even have them. 😞
Christmas morning, my son-in-law walked into our house and I said, “Merry Christmas Nate” and my oldest covert narc step-daughter said with a loud / yelling snotty bad attitude, “Merry Christmas Mom”. I stayed silent for 10-15 seconds and softly said, “Merry Christmas”. Next time I’ll say NOTHING. They are demonic…
I shut down 4 Narcissist in the last 2 years. I guess that makes me # 1 !! lol As a Sigma Wolf I enjoy a good meal. When your not married or related to them it's like shooting insecure ducks in a pond.
It helps if they're not too bright. They have cunning, but they also have huge gaps in their ability to understand others. Two malignant narcissists who don't know one another did their best to kill me. They did cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars, which I certainly could not afford, but each eventually got trapped by lies to others. Both got pretty much ruined. So, often there is justice.
@@whatcouldgowrongpodcast That’s when I’m done. I say to myself “My give a damn’s busted.” I’m no longer going to be the bleeding 🩸heart ♥️ for their supply.
Yes, many times. They don't want to admit they're wrong. They rarely own up to anything. Even in a regular conversation, my husband will try to shut me down if he doesn't like the topic! 😮 😒🙄 I hope that helps you out. 😊
❤ Wonderful, as always. (I think my husband would have had a great chance at a normal life if he had been born into a different family setting. Although his siblings are for the most part friendly, they are the most difficult group of people to talk to that I know. Each of them is emotionally reactive, many are too sensitive, taking minor comments as possibe rejection or judgement. As I sit here and describe them, I'm wondering if they are all narcissists. My impression is that they are not, except for maybe one other. ...Since I don't have to live with them, maybe they are all narcissists... Anyway, I don't think there was anyway my husband could have picked up any kind of good relationship skills from this group. They are truly incredible. I've learned to just draw back and let them talk before continuing to make my point. They never storm off, thus, I think maybe they aren't narcissists.)
Dear Amanda, yes, you are right: everyone deserves Dignity, Civility and Respect 💛 Thank you for your responses on my different comments, which I do appriciate a lot. Unfortunately I'm working very much and have met lots of aggressiveness these days through my superiors without DRC...I am very exhausted and I really need your candle, which is a wonderful job/prayer you are doing 🥰 I hope your eldest had a fantastic time in Berlin and your youngest will find an education that really belongs to him! Also I do hope, you are able to create more and more peaceful moments for yourself 🙏💛🙏 Sending you many regards and best wishes through these cold November 🍂days. 🙏💗🫂
@roxymovie3938 Dear Roxy. Thank you for your lovely message 😊 You put quite a bit of time and effort into your comments, which I think you should know is very much appreciated. I DO still light a candle 🕯 ✨️ early every evening, which I hope helps. You have such negativity to cope with. You're such a trouper persevering, and I'll pray that you get some relief from this 🙏 My youngest moved out last weekend. Not without drama. He's moved himself into student accommodation to get away from me 🙄 🤭 He's still repeating his second year. I think the space will do us good 👍 I've had a bad tum. On the plus side. My eldest enjoyed Berlin and has bought his 1st car taking ME with him to help choose and give an opinion. Him and his girlfriend are still saving for a property as I have reiterated that next year, I'm retiring from full-time mother duties 😁 I want to sell the house and buy an apartment. I'm off to my knitting groups today. I hope you have a good weekend. Sending positive vibes and healthy healing wishes ✨️ You have a heart of gold 💛 Take care 🕯💛✨️🙏
@@amandaliverpool3374 Dear Amanda, thank you so much for your lovely answer, which really touched my heart so that some tears were rolling onto my face 🥰. What wonderful news you have! It's so great to hear that there have come big changes into your life. First of all that your youngest moved out all by himself!!! Although it does not went without drama (I can imagine it very clearly for I know these drama's much too well 🙄.) I hope your tum is able to relax now a bit more. I am sure the space will do you good, both of you. It's time for him to live his own, seperated life to make his own experiences. Glad to hear that your eldest enjoyed Berlin and what an honour for you that he wanted Your opinion buying his first car! 😊 My daughter just stayed one night at home and I am mixed up with all sorts of different feelings and thoughts that scare me. She is now on the way back to Munich to finish the movie. She's quite sad that it ends soon because she had such a fantastic time. At the end of next week she will go to Vienna to visit her friend and will come back in the beginning of January. Another collegue of mine that I know from the very beginning from another team phoned me at work two days ago. She was a bit horrified about the "confused" and changing worksituation. We will meet next week to talk about it. I will keep my fingers crossed for you that you will find an apartment next year so that you will finally can create your own space and peace that you deserve so much. Sending you all the best wishes of healing and recovery. And thanks again for your lightening candle, that I still need. 🙏💗🫂
No matter how badly you feel for them, or how much you love them, remember how dangerous they are.
@@markopolisbalhaus3806
It's difficult when it's a close relative you love...
@@roachbaitfnv2591no love for you
I’ve moved from love to compassion. Such a wasted life.
Yes. And I didn't know this until after being married for a little over 40 years.
Thank-you, Dr. Carter. I had no idea I had been so scared and so lonely in my marriage until after getting away from him. Another thing he did was to try and use what his therapist said to him in a way to control me, too. He lied and said he needed therapy to deal with his childhood abuse issues. I understood and was very supportive. However, I was blindsided learning that he was complaining about me to his therapist. Then add him saying "my therapist said..." After two months of that, I found the courage not only to make him leave but also to tell him that from now on what is said between him and his therapist is to remain between the two of them. Your podcast today has been so helpful. Each podcast helps me to process not only my pain. They also are educating, confirming and provide a feeling of belonging - that I'm not alone with what I dealt with and continue to heal and process.
Let's see. Constantly the victim in every situation, especially situations they caused. That's #1 for me.
From what I have gathered, they create chaos to play the victim. It’s exhausting.
@@1980shamekaThey sure do.
Empathy is out of question... And yet they mimic it excellently when it serves their purpose.
I don't even witness empathy and the thought it wasn't there is baffling.
I don't know if it was the result of a TBI or if it is something else.
Wow, so true
Evil
A narcissist believes those who are not subservient to them do not deserve to occupy the same planet.
And, they forever view their adult children as subordinates.
💥
And that they’re entitled to take you out. The self righteousness while sadistic is scary!
Thanks you ....yes ! 🙏🧡🎯💎✌️ You have to run if you can find a way out because even if it served them to treat you right, their brainwashed kill switch over rides everything and they "have to be right" even and especially when they're wrong and/or it risks the lives of others, especially their target scapegoat. Bless you❤@@corinnawinkler1872
Yes.
No matter what approach you take, what theories you use, and which angles you approach it from, it will always be about them. It has always been about them, and it will always be about them! Don't wish, want, hope, or wait, don't bet, negotiate, or settle ! It is about them period ! Incase that was unclear. It has never been about you, it will never be about you, it is about them, to infinity and beyond! If they feel like it isn't about them, they will go to extreme and disturbing lengths to make it about them! Lastly is only it about them! RUN!
So true.
"Understand the truth of what you are dealing with"...this is so true and so important. I am discovering how the abuse has affected me and how damaging it has been. Getting educated and seeing things for what the are has been a lifesaver. Healing truly begins here.
Absolutely NO contact has been my go to for the last 2 and a half yrs. Work for me, peace, quiet, no anxiety, soul at Rest now. Thanks Dr. C. And Team Healthy!
Hugs for Guss ❤
Educate. Elevate. Self. And then remember not to be too hard on yourself. We don’t know what we don’t know. Be honest while you learn. Love yourself too much to allow the patterns to continue.
Love you, DrC and Team Healthy!
Edited for typos
Thanks a million, KellyJean!!
Thank you
Personally the worst common pattern for me is their agressiveness in all their forms, whether active, passive or somewhere in between. It's an attack!
It shows...their inmaturity...
...their frustration - "I do not get what I want in this very moment!"
...their need for attention -"Look at me! I matter!"
...their projection - "It's all your fault!"
...their gaslighting - "You need to feel guilty!"
...their missing responsibility for their own feelings - "You are responsible for my feelings!"
...their inability and blindness to look inwardly - "I can only see on the outside of myself."
...their inner confusion - "There is only chaos inside of me!"
...their manipulation technique of making them big/superior and you small/less -"I have the right to be above you!"
...their inability to regulate their own feelings - "I do not know how to calm down by myself!"
...their inability to care about your feelings - "Hurting you gives me the power to survive!"
Hi Roxy gtsy 👋
Ugh, tiring!
Children in adult bodies.
Spot on Roxie
💯
You are a blessing to this world, Dr. Carter.
You're kind. Thank you.
Its heartbreaking when it is your own mother doing this to you.
Thank you, Dr. C for giving me space to realize it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her.
🖐️
They are toxic to be around, they are even dangerous as they can cause a great deal of emotinal pain , however now that I'm in no contact and I watch this video, the only feeling I trully feel for them is sorry I honestly feel a deeply sorry for them as they are so empty inside. Great video doctor! Thank you! ❤
Narcisists need their alternate reality but I don’t and keeping our eyes and minds on the truth, love, dignity, respect and civility and living with internal peace is our protective shield while dealing with those broken souls. Thank you dr Carter ❤ God bless you ❤
Unpacking a Narcissistic personality - lets see - damaged, moldy, crusty, decaying...Nothing else to see here! Movin' along to open and enjoy my Healthy! Stay Healthy!!
Yes. They often have an unhealthy smell to them.
Your description is exactly the way my ex narc left me 😢. But he's moving right along 😃.
@@elcee7800I am truly sorry for the pain this has caused you.
Consider wherever he goes it's a lateral move at best. Always requiring more, new supply, never getting enough, never having real connection.
You, on the other hand, can move up!
Keep educating yourself. Embrace your authenticity. And never let anyone hold you down or hold you back.
Believe me - the journey is so worth it. Let me just say I'm cheering you on! Make your next best move! Be well.
@@BaraSchmidt I know him VERY well and I know your words would apply to him. Nothing is shiny and new enough, no day is soon enough. (As for me - slow and steady wins the race.)
Thanks xo😘
Stuck in terrible 2 cycle with mother
You have helped me a lot to understand, that it wasn't all my fault. I didn't know about Narcissism, but how I have opened my eyes. And Sunday was the last time he laid his hand on me! I did it and I am starting my journey to recovery from narcissistic trauma. Thank you 🙏🏻
I asked the narcissist in counseling if they intended to be honest and she said yes, but continued the same lies and deception. I then looked at her and said I’m not going to continue to engage with this deception.
🤜🏼
Same thing happened to me. He sat there and lied to the therapist. Afterwards, I told him that I would no longer return if he planned on continuing in that manner. I’ve never experienced anything like that. It was recently suggested that we return to counseling together but I decided that I would not entertain that drama again.
@@1980shameka If he thinks he can lie to a neighbor to save face despite how it upsets me, I am going in looking at his behavior.
Deception 👍🏼
@elcee7800 (lack of integrity)
They can't handle the truth!
I'd have to say they're sadistic. Most are sadists IMO. They send mixed signals. When I still cared about the nex and couldn't understand the nex's absences, he delighted in my agony. But when I changed and prayed he'd stay gone, he'd be angry that I wasn't shoveling in loads of supply to inflate his larger than life ego.
It’s a push-pull dynamic with you. They LOVE the chase.
❤thank you so much...I am getting upset less and less and working well more and more.
AND PRAYING
Go gray rock out of it!
Amen to that 🙏 ❤🙏
The narc is doomed to the same cycle of failure, they are wrong to begin with, but they won't be told that they're wrong, so they cannot learn how to do it right (this is/can be anything in life even their EVERYTHING). No matter what you do, they will insist they are correct and you are wrong even if you show them the right way to do things, at which point they will assume that action to be of their own determination/direction and you're wrong for not having known better.
Above your pay grade 😉
@caroleminke6116 what do you know about my pay grade???? It's likely 3x yours
1000% accurate as usual
I finally said that the chaos on their side is theirs. "you need your alternate reality - but I don't! If you can't come to terms with the (predictable) patterns that disrupt our relationship, and decide to accept what I have to offer (less that your perfect image) which is all I have - then we will have a limited relationship. It has been almost 2 years and I am in peace with their decision. No chaos here in my life since they chose to cut me out. It is a strange peace but it is PEACEFUL.
This is everything about my mother-in-law. Big day for me today. I didn't show up on family meeting for the first time. Bit nervous, but I've planned fun day with my friend instead.
Good for you 👍😊👍
No point trying to persuade the narcissist or those they’ve convinced against you, that you are worth accepting. They interpret anything you do or say, as bad. So detach emotionally, accept the losses and let go.
Dr Carter it's all crystal clear to me now. Thank you for making me realize it's not me and never was.😏😏
I know selfishness has to be a major one.
They don't think the same,no love civility. It will destroy you if you let it!🥰🥰🥰
6:50 That's a new one. Compassion diminishes their sense of power.
They do tend to believe they can read minds...and, that you, in return, should also be able to read their mind.
Perfectly, and on demand, you should already KNOW what they want, at ALL times...
EVERY TIME.
Another tool they use.
❤
Absolutely tremendous DR Le's, Thank you so much for this, You're a great bloke, Thank you for everything, I won't be pulled in to their alternate reality, They = These two can't handle the truth :-) I know they seething :-) I raise my iron fist and shatter :-) Peace, love and respect to you Gus and everyone, Thank you universe, All glory praise and smiles to the most high :-)
Yes, we have our deep-seated past heartbreak but we went forward with the healthy conviction of promise and hope. Instead, more heartbreak is loaded up. This was blatantly not the intention.
They refuse accountability at every turn, I do the Hokey Pokey and I turn myself around! How can you catch a wave and pin it down?
👍🏼😄
That was exactly what I needed today. Thank you for your wisdom and calm firmness. This has really helped me regain my confidence and steadfast resolve to navigate my relationship. No budging. No reacting. No arguing. No more supply. My happiness is back.
I've heard Dr. C say the difference between them acting out shut down mode and us leaving a toxic situation for safety is intention. It still gets foggy for me to differentiate at times. They probably say we're acting out toxic shut down mode towards them. They will spin anything as if we're committing the toxic, actions. That's hard to remember correctly about at times. Like a hard math problem or foreign language that's hard to understand.
Cognitive dissonance here 😉 go gray rock plz
I was multi-tasking while listening to this video but I did get how crazy they are..
Please say a prayer for R.Y. that I find a safe and healing place to live away from abuser. Thank You.
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🙏
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Something happened with mother before age 3 (illness or absence or enmeshment) that caused the narcissist not to separate & grow emotionally using a transitional object like a stuffed animal or a blankey. Lack of object constancy as well as whole object relations results… this is truly an attachment disorder that cannot be overcome in later years
Thank you Dr C this was so helpful!
Clarity is so freeing!
Trying not to respond to them in an unhealthy way.
He wants me to be angry back at him. At point it’s too scary looking.
One of the things which troubled me the most about my Narcissistic mother, was the way that she would come out with a statement about something that had happened in a particularly firm voice, As though that was enough to make it true. She really seemed to believe that her saying something was enough to make something true. As she was extremely violent, I would usually say nothing but I couldn't help thinking, actually that is not what happened & no matter how many times you say that's what happend it dosen't change what actually did happen.
Yes, and maybe if your isolated and it doesn't get challenged you start to not question what they say.
I don't remember a lot in my childhood but at some point that lightbulb went on. I think they say it out of fear to trust others.
I think my mother quite consciously brainwashed everyone she could.
My notes, with time stamps (for this very helpful video!):
1:54 You can fall into the unhelpful response of trying to convince them that they need to be honest with themselves. Keep in mind that narcissists hide behind the veneer of a false self. Emphasis on the word false. They can't manage the truth about who they are.
2:28 At least you can be the one that says "Well I can make honest interpretations with respect to what's going on when these bad habits come in my direction." The more you have awareness and insight about what truly drives them, then the less you're going to get suckered into all of the maladaptive responses you can have towards them. Knowledge is power and your awareness is going to be your friend.
3:13 ONE - They can have very easy and reflexive reactions of anger. It doesn't take much to trigger them. They can seethe with grudges or contempt toward the other individual, but the anger is just right there underneath the surface. What they're going to do is say "It's all because of you." As they come toward you with the anger and all of the implications that go along with it, their anger is not really about you. It's about the pain that that they've been carrying for decades that they're not coming to terms with.
4:53 TWO - They can come toward you with automatic defensiveness. It's not like it builds up slowly. Suppose you just say something very simple that is of a different nature than them or you want them to notice something that could be done in a better way, they'll go into rationalization or projection or displacement or they'll just clam up and throw their walls up. How are we going to interpret their automatic defensiveness? The narcissist is implying "I have learned that there is no one trustworthy in my world and that includes you." Where did that come from? In their deep history, they learned that openness and vulnerability get them in trouble. It was going to cause a loss of stature. So they're bringing that presumption to you when in fact it may have nothing to do with you.
6:11 THREE - Narcissists can hold unbending opinions. Your different opinion means that you are against them. When narcissists just cling to their opinions and take no input. Their interpretation is that empathy doesn't work. "I don't want to learn about you. Trying to understand you takes up too much psychological energy. On top of that, if I show understanding toward you it diminishes my sense of power and I've got to have power. I'd rather be right than loving or connected."
7:35 FOUR - They can be hypercritical. We can all have moments where we say "That doesn't work for me. I don't care for this." but narcissists are masters at finding many reasons to reject other individuals or declare other people as defective. In their psychological laziness they think "I don't want to have to think. I don't have to work at trying to understand individuals. It's just a whole lot easier to criticize and dismiss other people. Problem solved."
8:29 FIVE - Another pattern is their tendency to ignore you and go into shutdown mode. Sometimes when narcissists feel most exasperated they can just go incommunicado for a long period of time. Actually, there's no such thing as no communication. Everything communicates something. But they can give you the silent treatment. They can emotionally or physically withdraw. They can keep secrets. They can become evasive. My interpretation is it's their way of saying "Your independence threatens me." When you just say "I just want to be me. I want to have thoughts and feelings and priorities," they are like "I can't deal with that." It's like "I don't know what to do when you're a free person." And you could say "Flow with me. How about that?" They can't do that. When they ignore you, it's their way of saying "I feel defeated but at least I can try to make you squirm. Then maybe, somehow, that tactic will make you come over to my side." Not a very good strategy.
9:44 SIX - Another pattern is that they can smear your character, to your face or to others. The interpretation that I put on their smear campaign is that they're thinking "If I can make you look bad, then it allows me to control the narrative about myself. If I can let everybody know how miserable you are, then I can be the victim."
10:46 Their lack of honesty is tied directly to their need for a scapegoat. It's tied directly to their invalidation of people. It's tied directly to them being heavily invested in image crafting. It's tied directly to them lying so easily. It's tied directly to them vying for the superior position. It's tied directly to them holding others in contempt. It's tied directly to their astonishing lack of reasoning. And it's tied directly to their rejecting you over minutia. They have so much chaos on the inside and they cannot even acknowledge the fact and they certainly won't interpret it correctly.
11:40 So your task, even though they can't handle the truth, is to understand the truth about what you're dealing with. I'm hoping that in your mind you can think to that narcissist "I know that you need your alternate reality, but I don't. If you can't come to terms with your perpetual patterns that are bringing disrupted elements to our relationship, I'm going to be honest about it and we're going to have a limited relationship at best."
You’re the best, click train!
@@SurvivingNarcissism 🙂 Thank you! And right back at you with that!
Yeah a beloved support person once shared with me that we don’t make anyone feel/be something. For the person that often says stuff like if you didn’t do such and such, I wouldn’t have to yell or be angry! Or “you made me angry!” I’ve heard it said, “if I had a remote to control you, I’d have you be so in love with me or say sweet things. I wouldn’t use that control to make you angry with me.” That broke a huge paradigm in my head where everything was always my fault or somehow I’m the cause for the other person’s feelings or behaviors. That’s their responsibility, not mine. My hands are full managing my own thoughts/feelings!!! 🤪🤪
Dated a guy for 2 months and realized quickly that he is a narc, so I broke it off with him. My partner before him was diagnosed with acute leukemia and only lived 3.5 months after that-an extremely difficult time. This guy sent a pic he must have gotten from Facebook of my partner and I and captioned it with "Looks like a happy couple." I could not catch my breath. That knife went straight thru my heart. How could someone be so cruel-literally heartless??
That's cold.
They act like stupid children, with no effort !
Such wise observations you share that help with the healing process. Thank you so much.
Stop caring about her & ask what is drawing you to people who abuse you?
Thanks Dr C. You're the bees knees ❤
Why, thank you!
😄 Love that! 🧡🌹
Just googled this wonderful expression!
And... one of the _several_ theories about its origins it's ... Sort of Italian origin 😁
(Italy here. Love all the slang things)
💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚
🐝
In an intimate setting when u tell them no or not to do something they don't listen they think they own u and can do whatever they want with no consequences pure evil I know first hand God is showing u the truth about them don't ignore God's warnings He loves u
Property lines with them is an absolute nightmare. Where do you go to get away from these peace sucking vultures?
The police, city, etc. Property lines are non negotiable boundaries
Another fantastic video Dr C! Thank you so much for a calming and informative session! Hi to Gus!
The only friends I keep...are fellow empaths 😁 ✌
Thank you sooo much Dr. Carter, your videos, this one in special is really helpful,
God bless you🙏🏻
Absolutely phenomenal!! Very accurate very helpful🎉🎉🎉
That's great, because setting boundaries can be such a mystery for people and a lot of people don't understand what that even means, or what it looks like. The term setting boundaries isn't a clear enough phrase for everyday people to just get when you hear somebody say it. It's one of those things that you have to explain in great detail until a better catch phrase comes along. Maybe "limiting access" would be a little more clear to the average listener .
I appreciate expertise and knowledge. Thank you.m
So I'm the narcissist for going "incommucado" with a narcissist 'friend'? I was mentally and physically exhausted after being with her. And yes, I stopped talking to her about myself as she used my issues as a way to put blame on me without knowing the circumstances. She was argumentative with me and told people that I was. I'm sure she has done a smear campaign on me.
well the smear campaign is almost a badge of honour at this point.
Thank you. Yes, you repeat. But it takes repetition and different words, to break the hypnosis of ignorance and trauma "bonds" or entrapment. I always get something from your videos, a new piece, idea, or perspective, or at least validation on difficult, difficult work.
My narc husband calls his mother after I go to bed. I got up hearing his phone call. He then insulted me in front of his mother (my moral turpetude). I was not happy. When I asked him, "Why did you say that?" he responded, "She is deaf anyway." He always insults me either in front of her or on the phone. I do not find this acceptable.
totes unacceptable!
You’re just secondary mommy supply to a toddler! Why bother? Go gray rock plz then no contact if possible
Yank his man card and leave his a$$
😅 Classic! He didn't answer your question. Must be his ineptitude.
My brother (in a slightly hurt tone): I don’t step all over anyone’s boundaries.
Me: Right. That’s why you’re a claims adjuster at a health insurance company. 🙄
100% spot on as usual. Many helpful insights and revelations in this video. Thank you Dr C.
reveling while they kick you ....while you are down or finally up...has been the most insidious part of their behaviour
A fool takes no pleasure in understanding! - somewhere in the Bible
Hey Dr C. Good morning! ☀️. Ever consider body language skills to read a narc? OR use BLSs to divert away from a narc? I find it fascinating.
Brilliant video thank you.
Thank you Dr. C!🐶
You are very welcome
Oh my word, this is my husband to a T. Some of it is my middle sister also. Recently they both have decided to ignore me due to me trying to become more independent….my husband of 12 years is now in an emotional affair with a coworker. Before that I found out about his secret life after 10 years of marriage, and just recently learned that the majority of my family are narcissists and so is my husband apparently. I’m tired of walking around on eggshells whenever I’m around him, and hate that my three young kids are no longer seeing a “happy” marriage. I have no support system which makes it that must harder for me to enforce my boundaries or even have them. 😞
Christmas morning, my son-in-law walked into our house and I said, “Merry Christmas Nate” and my oldest covert narc step-daughter said with a loud / yelling snotty bad attitude, “Merry Christmas Mom”. I stayed silent for 10-15 seconds and softly said, “Merry Christmas”.
Next time I’ll say NOTHING. They are demonic…
Yes! Even on Christmas day, there's no truce to be had!!!😢 🎄
Bedankt
Thank you!
We have one surviving narcissist in our family and, wow, what a mess he's making.
I shut down 4 Narcissist in the last 2 years. I guess that makes me # 1 !! lol As a Sigma Wolf I enjoy a good meal. When your not married or related to them it's like shooting insecure ducks in a pond.
Good video 💚
Glad you enjoyed it
Thank you Dr. C. and Gus.
You are an amazing person❤ Thank you for sharing!
100% Dr. C.
A liar Narc Boss who assumes I am a liar also and even 2+ years later still tries to catch me.
My goodness. My BiL to a T. I have to keep my mouth zipped, or I would never see my sister again.
Mine would rant, for days
Again a great lesson thank you Dr Carter
You are very welcome
All of it!
Let’s not forget narcissist’s patterns and how we respond and not to at all sometimes.
How long does it take for their lies to catch up with them? It's been close to six months since I went no contact.
Never
It helps if they're not too bright. They have cunning, but they also have huge gaps in their ability to understand others. Two malignant narcissists who don't know one another did their best to kill me. They did cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars, which I certainly could not afford, but each eventually got trapped by lies to others. Both got pretty much ruined. So, often there is justice.
Can anyone help me with a question? A few weeks ago dr c said something about empathy running out. Can anyone remember the term?
I think it might be called compassion fatigue. It can be common for caretakers or people dealing with narcissists.
@whatcouldgowrongpodcast thanks for that. 💐
The closest that comes to your question is compassion fatigue.
@@whatcouldgowrongpodcast That’s when I’m done. I say to myself “My give a damn’s busted.” I’m no longer going to be the bleeding 🩸heart ♥️ for their supply.
Did anyone’s narcissist ever tell you to just move on after you brought up a very important issue that was their fault? 😊
Yes, many times. They don't want to admit they're wrong. They rarely own up to anything. Even in a regular conversation, my husband will try to shut me down if he doesn't like the topic! 😮 😒🙄 I hope that helps you out. 😊
Do you still legally have practice and licensing good sir?
🎯 🎯 🎯 X 1,000 %
❤ Wonderful, as always. (I think my husband would have had a great chance at a normal life if he had been born into a different family setting. Although his siblings are for the most part friendly, they are the most difficult group of people to talk to that I know. Each of them is emotionally reactive, many are too sensitive, taking minor comments as possibe rejection or judgement. As I sit here and describe them, I'm wondering if they are all narcissists. My impression is that they are not, except for maybe one other. ...Since I don't have to live with them, maybe they are all narcissists... Anyway, I don't think there was anyway my husband could have picked up any kind of good relationship skills from this group. They are truly incredible. I've learned to just draw back and let them talk before continuing to make my point. They never storm off, thus, I think maybe they aren't narcissists.)
😟🤔🙄😊🤫 They are very confusing! 😳 and exhausting 😮
I appreciate all your work Dr.C.
Everyone deserves DRC ❤️🩹🫂🙏
Dear Amanda, yes, you are right: everyone deserves Dignity, Civility and Respect 💛
Thank you for your responses on my different comments, which I do appriciate a lot.
Unfortunately I'm working very much and have met lots of aggressiveness these days through my superiors without DRC...I am very exhausted and I really need your candle, which is a wonderful job/prayer you are doing 🥰
I hope your eldest had a fantastic time in Berlin and your youngest will find an education that really belongs to him!
Also I do hope, you are able to create more and more peaceful moments for yourself 🙏💛🙏
Sending you many regards and best wishes through these cold November 🍂days. 🙏💗🫂
@roxymovie3938 Dear Roxy. Thank you for your lovely message 😊 You put quite a bit of time and effort into your comments, which I think you should know is very much appreciated. I DO still light a candle 🕯 ✨️ early every evening, which I hope helps. You have such negativity to cope with. You're such a trouper persevering, and I'll pray that you get some relief from this 🙏
My youngest moved out last weekend. Not without drama. He's moved himself into student accommodation to get away from me 🙄 🤭 He's still repeating his second year. I think the space will do us good 👍
I've had a bad tum.
On the plus side. My eldest enjoyed Berlin and has bought his 1st car taking ME with him to help choose and give an opinion.
Him and his girlfriend are still saving for a property as I have reiterated that next year, I'm retiring from full-time mother duties 😁
I want to sell the house and buy an apartment. I'm off to my knitting groups today. I hope you have a good weekend. Sending positive vibes and healthy healing wishes ✨️ You have a heart of gold 💛
Take care 🕯💛✨️🙏
@@amandaliverpool3374 Dear Amanda, thank you so much for your lovely answer, which really touched my heart so that some tears were rolling onto my face 🥰.
What wonderful news you have! It's so great to hear that there have come big changes into your life. First of all that your youngest moved out all by himself!!! Although it does not went without drama (I can imagine it very clearly for I know these drama's much too well 🙄.) I hope your tum is able to relax now a bit more. I am sure the space will do you good, both of you. It's time for him to live his own, seperated life to make his own experiences.
Glad to hear that your eldest enjoyed Berlin and what an honour for you that he wanted Your opinion buying his first car! 😊
My daughter just stayed one night at home and I am mixed up with all sorts of different feelings and thoughts that scare me. She is now on the way back to Munich to finish the movie. She's quite sad that it ends soon because she had such a fantastic time. At the end of next week she will go to Vienna to visit her friend and will come back in the beginning of January.
Another collegue of mine that I know from the very beginning from another team phoned me at work two days ago. She was a bit horrified about the "confused" and changing worksituation. We will meet next week to talk about it.
I will keep my fingers crossed for you that you will find an apartment next year so that you will finally can create your own space and peace that you deserve so much.
Sending you all the best wishes of healing and recovery. And thanks again for your lightening candle, that I still need.
🙏💗🫂