Eldest Daughters Let's Talk: Being Your Parent's Spouse & Parenting Your Siblings
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- Опубліковано 11 вер 2021
- In today's conversation we’re going to be talking about that eldest daughter syndrome, and the low down on sibling relationships. What happens when setting an example and being the first in the birth order means you have unhealthy expectation put on you, to the point it becomes toxic? Well let's talk about it sis,
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“I’m tired! Because this tiredness has followed me from childhood”
[goes to cry in hiding]
Yep I'm still crying
Hugs
I felt that.
*adrenal fatigue & burnout sessions🤣ftw*
Me trying to fight my tears at work
What’s funny is that you can’t even enjoy the positives of being an eldest daughter (such as being successful, etc) because you’re working through past trauma and dealing with consequences of your ‘parental’ role (e.g. mourning the loss of your childhood, therapy, etc)
For real!
I feel the same. Add to this is that my mom (dad passed when I was a teenager) decided to retire immediately I got my first job. In her mind, I was to bring up my sister and pay her university fees.
She's still in retirement and whilst I'm rebuilding from last year's job loss, quite a chunk of what I earn goes to supporting her (bills, food, etc). I've probably enjoyed the positives of being an eldest daughter (wins, successes, etc) for 2 out of the 13 years I've supported her and been the husband of the home.
Yes-and they’ll even berate you when you finally go to therapy and have your eyes opened about all the unhealthy dynamics and patterns that were normalized growing up.
Many family members may not be ready to join you on your healing journey, but hearing that your sentiments have an origin and are valid is so vindicating!
Didn't even watch yet but the title alone made me real life YELP... Black 1st daughters UNITE !
100% !!!
Hah omg same.... like immediately. So excited
Say it AGAINN 🙄🤣
Are oldest white daughters allowed? So many things are similar.
Same with South Asian eldest daughters too 😭
Being the eldest daughter means u learn how to be a parent/take care of everyone except yourself
This is deep 😢
Yup. I'm 25 and JUST learning to take care of myself with the help of the Internet.
Too real
Exactly
“Okay but I’m full of so much resentment! I don’t want to be rewarded for my suffering”… I’m gonna go fight the wall
*no resentment or hatred harbouring in my joyful heart, only fleeting regrets & major betrayal traumas & past disappointments while venting out combined with proactively chasing my postive dreams & projects at the expense of all the malignant narcissists in my life or in this $ick world...🔥🔥🔥*
Being the eldest daughter and the only daughter in my family who grew up in a patriarchal family is the reason I don't want to have kids. I sacrificed my childhood to raise my little brother (who I love dearly) . I'm only 22 but I'm tired.
No gives you room to be a child. So I'm the adult who doesn't let ppl in anymore cuz I feel like everyone in my life drains the life out of me.
I'm also the middle child btw 😂💔
@@siyemdluli01 being the only girl in a patriarchal family must feel like being the oldest even if you're a middle child, I feel you (I'm the eldest and I don't want children either)
I am eldest and I can similar relate to that I come of 4 siblings.
Me too sis! Meeeee too!!
Same.
Eldest daughters check in here!
We really know the struggle! 😂😩
Baby I tell u...
Sis!! They snatched our wigs in this episode smh😫🤦
When she said “this tiredness has followed me from childhood” 😭😭😭😭
THE STRUGGLE
That pent up anger is serious, I always knew I had this little fire inside but I quieted it. When I moved away from my parents to live alone, I would have these outburst and I didn’t know why but it’s because I didn’t know how to move through anger without just suppressing it
Yup. During the pandemic, I was heavily considering having myself admitted bc I was having this swell of anger and grief that made me feel like I was losing my mind. I actually thought I was insane but then I saw a therapist and realized that I had been logical my whole life to the point of suppressing basically every emotion I have.
When I moved away at 18 and was finally far from home, my anger grew more and more. At 24 I still struggle with intense resentful anger from time to time. It must be from all those years of holding it in.
@@Lee-hl2ol I'm your age too and I would have this random outbursts of emotion when thinking about my parents. They're good parents and I feel guilty having any anger towards them, but maybe all this time it's just been pent up anger and sadness. I'm still learning how to regulate these emotions and might consider getting help if it doesn't improve. Things will get better with time, sending so much love to you
being the eldest sibling is having to be the “cool parent” to your siblings ! 😂
facts
Basically! I taught them all how to swim, ride bikes and even drive.
*or the responsible & empathic young parent*
I'm Asian but reading these comments make me tear up.. I'm an elder sister of 3. My siblings and I have a quite difference in an age gap. Dysfunction is rather complicated to understand. I sought help professionally because I've noticed negative behaviors within myself that literally affected the way I saw life now that I grew up. It sometimes feel like you're the parent and you don't have room to be a daughter and a child with normalcy. I haven't felt this way since the younger siblings were born. I love all of them to bits, I would take a bullet for them but sometimes, I'd like to be given a break emotionally too. I'm 18 and seeing women all over the world share their experiences makes me feel less alone in this. I'm so proud for all of you for the strength you all possess.
damn, same.. I'm also asian(south east), eldest and only daughter to my parents. i have one little brother who i basically raised and am a second parent to after my mother. my parents also have a big age gap
Eldest daughter of a second eldest daughter in SEA too. Basically helped raised my sis and after my mom passed, I'm parenting my dad too. I am resentful to my dad as he is a grown adult and cant take care of himself properly but not towards my mom. She was independent, strong but was parentified too and didn't know any better. She was from poverty and she and her older sis had to take care of 4 younger siblings. She didn't know there was any other dynamic. She did try her best tho to parent both me and my sis. But I did have to pick up the things that fell through the cracks. She was working full time, while having to take care of the house while basically handling everything in my dad's life.
TBH, this topic is not talked enough in the Asian Community. It is almost impossible to find anyone to talk about this with. I went through reddit looking for someone bringing this up but nope. It is so engrain in our culture that it just never occur to anyone that it's wrong. I have eldest daughter friends who constantly telling me the stress they have from parenting their sibling and taking care of the family when they are teenagers. And as the video pointed out, a lot of these girls do pretty well at school, was mature, well behave and etc. I'm actually one of the more rebellious ones in the group but not even by alot. The worst thing I've done is have the mouth of a sailor. That's it. No drinking, no partying, nothing. It's sad cause we never let ourself let loose and fuck up and make mistakes.
I feel like this issue is more prevelant in family who had history of poverty or are impoverish. Because your parents are working hard to support you and the filial piety idea that is so engrain in our heads along with the guilt tripping makes it so hard to escape it. Don't even get me started on the gender roles at play. The shit girls get from their parents for not being filial enough just makes me wanna rip someone's head off.
Now why did I just get into an argument with my mom about this. Being a deputy parent is exhausting.
“Deputy parent”. What a fitting term
Oof. I recognise parentification all too well as a child of a Jamaican single mother.
Jamaicans tend to be so overly concerned with public image- as well as the opinions of friends, family and relatives- that our kids are deprived of healthy expression and necessary exploration. The girls were/are expected to ALWAYS be "well-behaved", and this has led many Jamaican women to come off emotionally hardened and all too willing to fake a smile.
I was gaslit my entire childhood; my sadness, frustration, disappointment were NEVER justified in my family's/relatives' eyes.
Because our mom couldn't afford childcare, I was forced to parent my younger sibs (and myself) 6 days a week and was the most present figure in their lives. As their unwilling role model and nanny, I was also punished for their mistakes (this understandably led to some resentment toward my poor sibs.) Even my academic excellence was a double-edged sword; report cards had to be perfect. And as if black girls' bodies aren't policed enough- I was set to break the teen mom cycle so they damn near had me under lock and key.
On and on, I suffocated in silence; developing a people pleasing default, tendency to overwork, and fear of failure along the way.
I'm glad to say I've broken out of the mold, and I'm creating me. 🤎
I had to exhale after reading your comment. Your experience resonates with me. As a first born, I went through that gaslighting, frustration, comparison, and feeling like i had to earn my parent's love by exceling in school. It turned me to a people-pleaser and overworker who doesn't express her opinions or thoughts.
I've been growing through this..so yeah, we're breaking the mold.
All the best to creating you, Natty.
So relatable. :(
😥
Relatable! I’m so glad you are breaking the mold
Girl, you could have just @me since you decided to put my life on the world wide web. The part about breaking the teen mom cycle and being put on lock and key🤦♀️ My mum was a teen mom and presently even at 21, when I'm home I'm not allowed to go anywhere.
Man this is deep. I found that this affected me even in friendships. Because I was so used to giving to wherevever there was need within the household, I ended up doing that within my friendships too. I used to feel as though, like a parent, my absence would cause chaos. Thank God I freed myself from that. I'm now learning that's it's okay to receive and be the one who is being taken care of. Love you guys a lot and the work you're doing.
Sis ❤
You and I are the same person. What you wrote had a lot of resonance for me.
sameeee. I really resonated the same energy as I do in my house when I finally moved out and started having roommates. most of the time I assume it's my job to clean the flat do this and that even though my roommate never asked me to just because I always had this thing in my family. I'm expected to do something or the other. now that I finally got used to not being responsible for three years away from home, I had to come back home and now it's way to difficult to stay with my family!! Currently trying to move out again this October, cus I can't go through this trauma again.
So relatable ❤
This is a term I had recently learned "parentification". And the genesis of parentification is essentially taking on or being placed with adult responsibilities as a child.
This is too real in African households, and it's not always just placed on the eldest child or eldest girl, younger siblings can also be saddled with this.
Attracting momma's boys, being overly dependent on friends, no boundaries...whew...I'm a send this to my little sister maybe she'll be able to understand me more.
I know this is late, but I just did the same thing.
You went for the jugular with this one😭😭 I'm the eldest/firstborn daughter of my mother's children and it's always a struggle to draw the line between being a sibling versus being a mother. At what cost?! Say it louder for those in the back 🔊📢🗣️ Look at Renee multilingual out here 😂 Having siblings is the best gift our parents gave us but working through our parents' failures in being there for us and being the parents they should have been is a rollercoaster to say the least. Thank you for bringing light to such a pertinent subject. Eldest daughters everywhere are quaking 😁
I typed in last night “oldest daughter” and your podcast came up. I’m at 29:55 and oh my goodness I am filled with so many emotions: sadness and anger because it’s so unfair what we go through and it’s worst when you can’t fully live your life because you’re super responsible, hearing that the way you were brought up turned out well and it is good for everyone. Lol so much is boiling inside that I can’t fully express. I pray that I won’t do this to my daughter because it sucks. I need a therapist fr fr 🙃
I think the worse part fir me is the denial of the trials as an eldest daughter is. You’ve denied and rejected the experience I have had as an eldest daughter. It builds so much more resentment than the initial eldest daughter resentment. Especially since my sister is only a year younger but the treatment between us is soooo different.
Also if you haven’t been a high achiever it makes you carry around guilt and insecurity.
Am I the only one that cried during this?
It's perfectly normal to cry during this
I know all the black children have BEEN waiting for this video!!! My brother is the oldest and he was basically a second father, he wasn't really allowed to be a child and make mistakes because our parents valued reputation so he had to too.
Black parents' obsession with reputation will be the demise of every child's mental health
@@lizd6886 THIS THIS THIS
Same with mine! And when he got he's now wife pregnant. Mum stopped talking to him for the entire pregnancy.
With things like that people don't forget easily. Because now when she tries to see the kids. My brother and he's wife feel apprehensive. Bc of her earlier actions and the comments that were made through out.
Even when they've tried to address it. Mum's just made it about herself and what her friends felt/ thought about her. Not that she hurt her only son and he's wife.
I’ve definitely noticed that before. Sometimes, parents can be really resentful of you choosing a path with more freedom/comfort and/or taking on a role that makes you less available to them.
It’s like they want you to be an early adult for their benefit, but when you actually do adult things (marry, have kids, travel internationally), they forget that you’re allowed to actually love your life, and they can’t just scold you to come back
i always wanted a older caring brother, instead i became the eldest child and only daughter and older sister/ second parent to my little brother.
btw, Are you a girl, Bkizzle?
Maneeee...I'm gonna have to seriously schedule this listening because I might cry out of nowhere lmao
Yess and a box of Kleenex🥲
Eldest daughter syndrome is ruining and ruling my life
Eldest daughter to a single mother in a Jamaican household. The youngest was born when I was 18. Just today I wondered out loud if I would have energy to raise children of my own because I am truly riddled with anxiety and exhausted. I have no clue how to even begin to wade through this.
Not to be rude, but your mother should not be having children for you to raise. You should put your foot down.
Hell na
I'm not an elder sibling, I'm actually a younger one and I really love this episode because it helps me understand my elder sister more. Lately I've been wondering why she is beginning to mother me for all the nits and grits which can be bad and good but it has started to create an unhealthy relationship between us. Please do a younger sibling episode so I can understand the dynamic between the two.
I'm in tears right now😭.. I had a tough day as the elder daughter of the family.
And God people will find any way to guilt trip you into being a heartless, uncaring, selfish human who only gives a shit about herself. And you know the worst part ? I will believe them and take that guilt trip to the point of destroying my own mental peace.
At the end of all these weird twists and turns, I always end up questioning myself -
Why does everyone expect me to take care of everything when nobody did the same things for me ?
Is it just me or does anyone else feel guilty when they put themselves first ?
I really wish to know who I am without these roles and expectations to fufill. I wish I can meet the real me who knows herself apart from her titles and trauma.
I feel the same way as you... I'm 323 and the feeling of betrayal by your parents who failed to protect or even stand for us is too overwhelming n often we question ourselves and feel guilty if we are really the problem cos their gaslighting is so freaking real. They will do everything to hurt us even if we stay in our lanes, once we speak up for ourselves they are sooo quick to disown and disrespect us. Cos they feel we disrespected them but in fact.. there is no single respect for us from them since day 1 and they feel its their right not to respect you cos they took care of you and also you're the older one so you should be responsible and filial by sacrificing or slaving your entire life for them. One question from you and hell breaks loose cos 'How dare you tell us we are wrong?" It's fucking selfish and exhausting. Mainly painful to see parents being your first heartbreak and betrayal
When I heard mothering your partners I lost it why this so accurate 😭😭
I literally cried. It just made so much sense and i could relate to all of it. Eldest daughter with an absent father it has been so hard on me
sending you a hug ❤
@@JazzyB4.sending you a hug too ❤
I wish my fathers had been absent! XD they ain’t nothing but leeches and only bring hands to the table!
Renee telling Courtney she loves her after her rambling is so beautiful. Yes to more sisterhood like this!
She wasn’t even rambling; she was spitting facts! I needed every word
Who requested this?? Look I just want to talk 😭😭🤣🤣 these past few episodes have been dragging ME 😭🤕❤️❤️❤️
Lord knows my mom tried her best to not burden me with a lot of responsibility but she had no choice, I also had no choice but to step in and help raise the younger ones. The thankless job of being an older sister is overwhelming.
31:25 OMG that's so true for me. I have friends but rarely I want to make new ones. I'm tired, yes. I feel that I need time for myself, to focus on my needs and goals.
I am in an extremely Christian household. Holding the mental, physical and soon financial stability of my siblings and parents. Being forced to mature and the realization of what role I played in my family came to me around 14/15 years old. I am now 18. I was the parental figure to my family without knowing consciously about it. Up to that point in my brain, everything I was experiencing was normal. Realizing your parents' failures and getting over the resentment alone, was so difficult. Acknowledging that no matter how good or how bad you are you won't ever have them as parents. Now I barely turned 18 and the mental pressure is insane, the expectation to not fail and not being allowed to fail. I fall out of line in the smallest form and get absolutely destroyed for it. Shielding my siblings is what was a learning curve for me. Rent was due, my parents were stressing me about bills, my teachers about school, interpersonal relationships were falling apart. Yet I had to ball all that up force it down the closet and give support to my sister for failing a small quiz. Its mind boggling the mental cartwheels one has to take to give a fuck. I won't deny it helped me, but like it's said at. what. cost.? I could probably rant about how much family has failed me and the struggles of finding how to give a fuck. But yea. I always wonder how and if I'll ever rest
Sending you love and courage❤🫶🏾
Courtney's "segment" left me in tears because that's literally my life
Omg same!! 😭😭 I was described to a T!
Me too
It was the “spoiling your market” 😲👀
This hits home. As the eldest daughter i have so much pent up rage! If i express any emotion that is not positivw I'm seen as some sort of monster. I can just tell that there will be a lot of therapy sessions in my future. 😅
Black American here. it's like being your mother's constant emotional/psychological punching bag and/or competition...the damage has done it's job. I am left psychologically crippled, but my love for my mother will NEVER fade, because I love her more than my own life. It's the most unconditional love I will ever be able to have, ever
Same, I felt like a second mom to my little sibling but now I’m learning to nurture myself
I just listened to this on spotify. Where is the trigger warning ?😭✋.Ladies get your tissues cause wow!
I didn’t even know I had an eldest sister until I was 8. My parents left her in Africa when they moved to the US and then she just showed up one day. There has always been this weird relationship with her. They never mentioned her. She did everything my parents wanted, became a doctor, etc. Her friends are her family. She never comes to visit me, but she will fly to the same state that I live in to see her friends. For her 35th bday she had a big party, and then didn’t even invite any of her siblings. I always invite her to stuff but she will make up some excuse as to why she can’t come. I wish there was group therapy for African families because when I tell you there are layers of trauma, I don’t even know where to begin to heal it, but at least I have started therapy for myself.
Just because she's not accepting that your parents abandoned her so seeing u it reminds her of the difficult times when she was alone by herself while all of u enjoying being a family
I told u this because I understand her behavior it's difficult to accept that your parents continued their life happily without u talk to her privately tell her how much u love her as a sister a family member even if she doesn't accept so
47:10 - 47:53 my GOD! and that's how women always end up in abusive situations even dying in domestic violent relationships, accommodating and people pleasing
Welp! This episode makes me so emotional. As a first born daughter I could totally relate to EVERYTHING! The trauma and exhaustion is real.
My parents refused to let me get a drivers license so I couldn't get a job and leave, since I was raising 3 siblings and being the "wife" since I was 12.
That was not rambling that was GOLD!
This speaks a lot to the mother/daughter wound
100%
I'm actually the second eldest daughter but I recognized myself in this because my older sister was very rebellious so I had to step up and be the responsible one which is a whole other ordeal because you have your younger ones to look after and not only do your parents depend on you, but my older sister also depended on me to some extent. And then my parents would always compare my older sister to me which is another layer of guilt so I constantly struggled to stay in a place that didn't make my older sister look bad but still live up to my parent's expectations so as not to become a "failure."
This was my life too. Still trying to heal from it.
This is my situation. Plus my eldest sister abused me during childhood so I have a different level of resentment toward her
Triggered. Inspired, Cried, clapped more than 5 times, shared it, this puts my whole existence into perspective 🤧
its parentification at its finest
100%
Yo! I fled the nest, the country and the continent 🙈😂
my relationship with my siblings and mother is under construction. I can’t help but ‘mother’ my sisters whenever we chat
My identity is warped by my ‘title’ of being the oldest (trust issues, level of Independence, family relations)
but the space was much needed
I had to block my needy family. As soon as I unblocked, they called with another need. This older sister syndrome is not a vain complaint, it’s real, and space, omg, the space is much needed for your mental health. I really thought I was tripping for years. Like maybe I’m just a bit miserable, but I realize, when I’m alone and being creative I’m so utterly happy. It makes me sad to feel this way but at the same time, I’m so happy with my space.
Thank you soo much. Like I been an eldest sister all my life, and idk how to be a sister only a mother. Like I'm stressed and I'm only 20. All my teenager years was about be a good roll model and putting want I want second and my family first to the extent it becomes automatic. I am tired I wish I can get away from my responsibility just for a while
You and i are the sameage and sis we're in the same boat...one day we're going to look back on this period and be like "thank God, I'm finally out of that toxic dynamic". I love you, and always remember you're not alone❤️
@@PrescillaKgade you're both just like me. i have been telling my friends that i feel like i lost my entire fuvking teenage years to mothering my little brother, and locking myself in my room thanks to depression. I'll be 20 next month, it hurts so much but I've gotten too used to this now
I cried so much while watching this. I just realized where my coping mechanism comes from. I have never experienced heartbreak even though I have been in relationships that ended badly, I just have a way of suppressing my emotions.
On the last borns remaining last borns forever...first of all, the accuracy😑 I was cooking for the entire family when I was 13 but the last born who is now 13 would come to me when he is hungry and I still have to watch his clothes sometimes, because I cannot allow “my children” go to out with dirty clothes.
SISSS preach to the choir!!!!
Eek tiny red flag wave here🚩, I did exactly that with my bro but it's turns into codependency and expectation on his part which he will use with you the rest of your life. Teach him how to cook and use the washing machine then leave it alone, otherwise he'll never mature into a self sufficient adult and still be running to you as a grown man when you have your own family to provide for. Advice given with much love and wisdom not criticism. I learnt the hard way, don't want anyone to go thru what I went through as a grown ass woman putting my life on hold for 2 years while repairing myself.❤️
I turn thirty next week & I think my mom has been pulling me back into being her spouse again 😣
Thing is, I recognise these things abt being the eldest daughter and all the expectations and burdens inherited by either or even, both parents + everything that culture and the patriarchy expects. And with this, I don’t even know where to begin with growing bc I find myself just disengaging from my parents AND my siblings and just family in general because I recognise that they and the home is the site of the negativity and patriarchy. I’m at a point where i’m literally just gg through the motions of living in the same house as everyone but not really emotionally or mentally engaging w anyone😢 (and i’m a student so can’t really afford therapy)
Hey girl, I’m in the same position ur in rn. I have private therapy now, some therapists do concessions for students. My therapist charged £90 per session but lowered this to £45, hope this helps. Ps therapy was life changing!!!
I'm the eldest sibling and a daughter in my family. I used to be really close with my younger sister(middle child), and I would try to guide her towards making right decisions because... her decisions have been destructive to her mentally. Once I backed off of her due to an argument we had, and she called me a "Deadbeat sister", I was done.
I care about the well beings of my siblings and I don't want them to suffer through horrible decisions. But she has to learn that way, and I have backed off. I apologized for my part in the argument, and I told her I want to take the backseat in the relationship for now. She just cared that she got an apology; she is such a nonapologist. Well, after getting my life together and becoming more mentally healthy, she removed me on all social media. It's sad, but it is what it is.
I can relate to that
That Courtney intro of the Eldest daughter syndrome described me to the dot. I have been unconsciously working on it and until a few months ago I didn’t know this was a legit struggle that many other women go through. As a first generation immigrant and college graduate with a stable professional career, most often I find myself being the one that offers advice and/or economic support for my siblings and parents. I’m so tired of having to be there for everyone. Sometimes I want to take the easy way out, all I wanna do is pack up and leave everyone behind. However, I’m learning how to set boundaries and prioritize my mental and physical health. I’m still helping my family get ahead, but little by little I’m learning how to do it from a healthy place where I also get to enjoy my life.
"you are denying the child of receiving those things bc you're using them as a source" we are literally 30min in and you've made me cry. The amount of times I've tried to explain my relationships with my parents who aren't together and the closest thing I could think of was that my relationship with my father is like a toxic on again off again relationship with a no good man and my relationship with my mother is like being in a marriage that I didn't ask for with children that arent mine! You ladies have nailed it on the head. I'm in my 20s now and I'm just now fighting to experience what it means to be a CHILD while still needing to do the adult things I've always done.
I haven’t watched all of the video yet but I’m an elder sister (still a teen) and I sometimes find myself tightroping between the line of cool older sister and mother (ITS SO ANNOYING) anyway I love watching your videos 💓
Omg same
If this isn't the story of my life word for word...my goodness. I am holding back tears. Yheww! I am actually the youngest sibling but the only daughter but received no last born privileges.
I couldn’t hold back the tears
This episode got too real for me. But, it helped put words to my feelings that I had buried down for so long. Thanks you two for the eye-opening revelation.
The tears this episode brings! This is the biggest struggle for me
Wow Courteney 👌 that was so said right . When you learn to care for everyone else but not yourself, I often find myself in the situation not wanting anyone to love me.
Wow. I am lost for words. This is my whole life experience. I am the oldest of 4 siblings and I am 32 and I sometimes feel so tired under the weight of my responsibility to my family
You guys held up a mirror to me and made me feel sooo understood at the same time!!!! "I do not want to be awarded for my suffering" Yes!!!!
WHEW. I’m the oldest daughter as well & share all of these sentiments. I’m having to deal with it in therapy bc it is a long journey to undo my entire childhood lol.
I have a daughter (an only child) yet I find myself treating her the same way. I had to pause this video a couple times! while I listen to this- examples of how I’m treating my daughter the same way were popping into my head. Needless to say this came at the right time. I can start today, treating my daughter different so that she will at least have a different point of view whether she remains an only child or if she ever has siblings. Y’all really said it louder for the people in the back!!!
I’m a younger daughter with an older brother, but have had a similar experience to elder daughters. The youngest sibling experience has never felt as relatable to me.
My parents parentified me and also expected me to be a mediator in their conflicts since I was young. It’s made me favour being single because relationships always seemed like they were not mutually beneficial and they seem like they require too much effort and energy. Also my brother was allowed to do so much and got away with a lot and they were stricter with me and expected more from me (eg. Getting better marks, not misbehaving etc).
Also the parentifying has resulted in me often being the mother hen/fairy squad mother of the group.
It’s such a weird experience 😅
This episode hits home a lot and I struggle with the "first daughter syndrome" because I am actually the last born, who has the burdens of the first daughters because I happen to be the only one living with my parents in the UK. All the behaviours you described are exactly how I have been in relationships, yes I have been the girl who wants to cook from the second date and "mother" partners. It's really hard putting my foot down and maintaining my boundaries because I feel mean, I am learning how to slowly though because my lack of boundaries has hurt me a lot so far. This podcast has been great, seeing women my age talking about this with such awareness, grateful for you two.
Y’all read me DOWN 😂😂😂. Like I FELT IT.
Wow,I haven't yet finished watching this but I am already crying ..
I have been feeling like this for a long long time
I was the eldest daughter of four siblings, parented my parents, myself and my siblings, fought jeolousy from my mother and father, while coping with my problems alone. Now, three of my siblings are older and I got blamed and rejected by each one of the, inlcuding my parents that I was the problem and i was never enough. Now I am alone, in my 20s figuring life out.
34:15 FAILED!! as in they didn't pass the test, didn't do the job correctly, wrong, wrong, wrong.
my throat hurts from trying not to cry
As the middle child of my siblings I can relate to both having to mother my younger siblings and sorta being parented by my other sibling and y'all were spitting fact. So much trauma which has resulted to me being the child to move out of my parents house and there's a lack of support from my other siblings. Anyways loved this episode 💛 you guys are great!!!!.
I'm the eldest of 7 starting at age 7, fully parentified and have remained childfree as well as single. I know the HEAVY trauma I experienced shaped me a lot and now, in my 40s, I'm working on it but I still don't have a real relationship with any of my siblings. Mentally they still treat me like another parent when in family gatherings, so I still keep my distance. They don't like me, never have, and never will per their words/actions. So i just stay away and try to work on me, being there when they need me but there's going to always be a wall between us.
I'm the youngest and was parented by my elder sister.. it's the amount of guilt I have carried my whole life.. I see the unfairness for my sister and it pains me.. I've done the work to be a better sister and it has been very fruitful.. however, my biggest issue would be the burden to kind of make up for the dysfunction.. I kind of feel like I need to accept bad behaviour or resentment from her.. there are things that I need that I know my Mom wouldn't provide that I feel guilty asking from her because she shouldn't have to play that role.. I struggle with feeling alone often and like I don't have anyone in my corner.
This episode touched an area within that I had no idea about. The fact that I went through each and everyone of these things that you said just blew my mind. Like hey, you’ve been damaged for the past 19years of your life! And honestly I’m really thankful for this episode like I really love all your episodes but this particularly helped me understand that the root of my problems is not growing up in a dysfunctional family but also the eldest daughter issue and funny fact actually no depressing part is😂I’m the first daughter and only daughter in a family of 5😂yall I went through it. My brothers reached a point of calling me mum junior😂😂like guyssss!!!!!!!Nevertheless I’m thankful for this. Bless your hearts x.
oh heill naw😭 "mom junior". i actually rather be called that than be full of scars from my ungrateful little brother. i feed, clothe, wash him and in return, he kicks and scratches me. i try my best not to hurt him out of anger or self defence, and just leave the room, and not be like my abusive parents and mom
This brought me to tears. Thankfully I grew up in a pretty healthy home but y'all still verbalized so many of the struggles we faced, especially lack of emotional support as the firstborns. I'm in my 30s and just starting to understand some of the dynamics that made me who I am ❤
I'm a second born and my parents divorced 10years ago , my older sister took the role of the parent I've been feeling nervous about uni because I didn't want to be patented by her because it caused me to shut down in the past , spiritually and it made me scared to tell her about my relationship because of things she said in the past .I think it's bard to have freedom sometimes but I'm realising that our lives are different and that is okay and she is my sister and we should continue to grow in knowing that .This podcast helped me to see her perspective but realise we have work to do...
51:19 ahhhh this one. the boundaries my parents have crossed and thought they had the right
Am the first daughter of my patents and I am one of the lucky ones though it was not easy. I was not allowed to go out of the house when is 5pm in the evening while I watch my siblings playing out side. At age 12, my father forbid me going in the kitchen helping my mother. I have to face my study he said and if I could not finish my study meaning getting pregnant, my other siblings, meaning the girls is not going to enter secondary school. You can see the pressure put on me. I help raised my siblings too though we had maids but they left by the time I enter secondary school. Its not an easy journey being a first daughter of a parents in Africa. I just love this platform. I which we all could have a first daughter platform round the world to share our experience with one another. My is a long loving story but this is enough for now. Thanks for thus wonderful topic. You took me back to my childhood. I have two wonderful sons. I told them they can adopt because there are lots of kids out there without parents looking for someone to love them. Am from Nigeria based and live in Europe 🇳🇬
Look this video just did the mooooossssstttt. Painful but so worth it
Gosh! Like... what was this?
I was postponing watching this video because I knew it was coming, and as Courtney said, I have problems with admitting momma fail me like that turning me into her husband. I'm always scared to unpack that eldest daughter trauma, but today... YOU DESCRIBED ME. Courtney's first "ramble" made me rethink my life. But I'm really glad I watched it, made me understand so much more of my current problems, including this sick feud with my dad. And I'm glad I'm a part of this community. I now understand that this culture is international. I'm from Angola and this thought that eldest daughters are obligated to be a full mother to their siblings is very much rooted in our society. I used to think "That's just how we are" but no. That's just how we are getting traumatized. And one of the sickest things happens when this eldest daughter is not even a biological child of the couple and is there to "help", or rather be exploited in exchange of a "better life", they call it. That's another subject to digest for me!
Courtney that was not rambling at all but spot on for most. I can resonate and some of us have become closed off because of our upbringing. You guys are giving us therapy with your podcasts 💯🥲
Y'all gonna make me cry with this podcast 🥺
How do you didn’t have a good accountability with other men when your experience with your primary male relationship in your life is hatred Courtney Danielle screaming ! 😩😩👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
I listen to you guys EVERY MONDAY on Spotify when I’m at gym🙈I CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS ONE🙌🏾💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻
As an only child I related to being characteristics of the eldest daughter syndrome and problems with the youngest. I would love to hear you two speak on only child’s even tho neither of you are one.
resentment is what i feel but can't express to anyone
Well... that was magic. I'm actually the second daughter, but I had all the responsibilities and expectations of the first daughter...and none of the (few) privileges.
At least ur parents have acknowledged ur work! Mine give me no credit for it! As the oldest child and daughter of the family, I have younger brothers and sister to take care of. My sister and I share a 16 year age gap! Now that Im a full blown adult and can have children of my own; Im still having to discipline my sister bc my mom is too lazy to do so. And if I attempt to train my sister to be kinder and less-spoiled, I get yelled at for doing so. Yet if there are any shortcomings in my sister--I am BLAMED for "spoiling her" just for taking her on occasional days out. It is frustrated to be gaslighted by ur own family and treated as an adult child.
wow finally someone gets it. im holding back tears girl, thank you
As the eldest, this gave me so much satisfaction.. thanks ladies, God bless !
Full of truth. At least it forged us out of steel. Good luck damaging us further than our families could!
Definitely felt fed by this. Thank you. As the oldest I’ve viewed my role out of identity as a result of playing the parent. So all of what you both are saying are fruitful. I’m blessed to have watched this.
Middle child here(with an older sister). This episode was the one! I have so many things to say about the parallel relationship between her and I. But the most pressing one is the lack of boundaries to even see me as an individual and not your shadow. U touched on everything. Including how then the mother sees you *if she even does at all😪
This one brought up so many emotions whew the tears! 😭 being the eldest daughter/sibling I could relate so much.
You ladies came for my edges! This was a great conversation
whever I try to bring this up with my parents they brush it off and say that what I do is just "part of being a family". They don't get it becouse my mom is an only child and my dad is the second oldest child, but not a girl and not the oldest.
you guys are SO COOL! found this video and channel because i looked up “eldest sibling dynamics” or something like that. i always bring up how when i was little i used to pray almost every night for siblings and when i was 9 my first brother was born. i call them my lil answered prayers 🥰🙏🏼
i thought that this wouldn’t apply to me because I was an only child, but i was wrong.
talk about “...trying to at me...”
I’m in college and I have been for about 8 months. I’m the oldest sister and sibling and their discussion accounted for things I didn’t even know were happening in my life and helped me actually see what happened in my life. I appreciate this so much! I feel like I understand myself a little better and I need to keep up with my little brothers. So cool
It just hit, right on. I thought this was a cultural Latino thing. It sounds more general. I’m going to sit on the fact of how my parents failed me and my siblings. I’ve always given them excuses.
This, all this. This was perfect.
This blessed my soul! Thank you so much!