'Controlling' Parents: Gaining Independence, Setting Boundaries and Overcoming Guilt
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- Опубліковано 30 вер 2024
- Some of us haven’t always had the best relationships with our parents, and it becomes even more difficult when it feels like they’re not quite in alignment with our glowing and growing journey. But confronting the trauma, experiences and threads that were sewn from childhood is necessary to confronting our present day hang ups - so how do we fare against our primary caregivers in our quest towards wholeness?
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I’m a black man almost finished with college dealing with this exact issue, so if you don’t mind I’m going to take this knowledge and apply it to myself 😅
same
I am the oldest child. I've been put in the position to take care of my 3 younger brothers as if I was the one who birthed them. I was supposed to be the third parent of the house. When I refused to do so, i was shamed, guilt-trapped and labeled as selfish. I knew that if I didn't get out of there, our relationship was going to be destroyed beyond repairs. I managed to obtain an internship in another city, made university transfers before telling my parents. I turned a deaf ear to everything they tried to say. Nowadays it's much better, they respect me as a person.
Hey hey, your message hits home for me. I’m the oldest of 4 younger brothers and I totally get it 🙁 Amazing that you were able to get out of there and put yourself first 💗
SOO proud of you for taking that step!!
Moving in silence is key! Tell them only when everything is already set in place. You don't have to discuss everything with your earthly parents, but your heavenly Parent on the other hand... Don't hold back
I admire your strength. I wish I had the courage to make that decision
@@Ann-cf1yf take your time. May God grant you the courage to do so.
Some parents are having a hard time giving up control because its scary, but are willing to compromise because they dont view children as their property. If this is your case, time and loving communication will be able to change the dynamic over time. But there are other parents, who dont want to give up control because they see children as an extension of themselves and their source of power in the world. If this is your type, you just need to move out. Keep your head down until you can be self-sufficient, but understand if they plainly dont respect you as your own person then nothing you say will change that. Best thing then is to accept it, get out and be your own person regardless.
Your channel/podcast is one of the MANY evidence's of God's love for me. Tell me why EACH week's subject is always applicable to something I am going through!!! Wow! Lol, love you girls❤
My deeaarr! I've had similar instances and this on is literally spot on to a conversation I had with my parents yesterday.
Literally ❤️❤️every single week
I moved out a week ago over this, everything is still a mess what are the odds that this is todays topic. Lol yall took online sisters to a whole new level!! Sisters are really sistering!!
Lol I told my African mom I’m planning on moving out spring 2023 just to give her enough time to prepare mentally 😂
God will take care of you. The Holy Spirit told me "You can go now." when my mother, who has a myriad of health issues, was stable enough to take care of my niece, when she was 1.5. My sister has bipolar, and I raised my niece as she was a baby, with the help of other family members. I had extreme guilt moving out. But being a part time care taker for my mother and niece was killing me. Moving out during 2021 was the most terrifying yet wonderful things that's ever happened to me. It still seems surreal. God is faithful. He is so good.
Sis can’t even book a holiday for 3 days without being terrified of mum saying no 😅
This topic was triggering for me. I eas infatalised for so long that i just had to rebel to feel like i was in control of my life. But once i was kicked out, i felt so lost as i was so used to being told what to do, that i fell into some toxic situations because i was attracting fucked up people due to my trauma. Im just glad i didnt get pregnant after all that mess. Today i am cordial with my parents since africans cant cut family off apparently, but today they blame me for all the bad things that hapened to me when they threw me out. You can never win
CUT THEM OFF was easy for me when I saw myself going insane
Just to let you know that Africans can go totally no contact too. Speaking from experience they are already blaming you so nothing will ever change. I have gone no contact living in a different continent and don’t give a flying f* . I was a scapegoat for over 25 years and don’t owe them anything. I owe myself peace
You are right
My mother struggles with this, im glad more people are talking about it. She has unresolved trauma and struggles with allowing my siblings and I to make our own decisions. We actually do quite well on our own (My brother an I live in different states) but she still asks us to move back in with her. Makes 0 sense if we want to start our own families and we're both stable. Either way, her vision for our lives versus our own visions, are starkly different and shes had trouble respecting that. Its like a mother, has these detailed dreams of how she pictures her child's life and it involves her dictating every step we take. We were taught from a young age that she knew best and we didnt. How will a child truly thrive if Mom trains them to trust her, over themselves. To this day, if i assist my younger (GROWN) siblings with anything, she gets mad and says im "not their mother". So even as a daughter and sibling, shes overly offensive of my involvement with my brothers and sisters.
Ive tried to talk to her about her codependency, but shes stubborn and gives the silent treatment. So ive washed my hands and limit contact with her. I only call 1-2 times a month. She does not know what goes on in my life, only that im well. This is NOT because i dont want her involvement, its because she still doesnt respect boundaries and degrades my choices for not fitting her vision of me. For quick reference shes super religious, im not although i work in law enforcement and have 0 children. So its not that ive struggled with independence, shes just codependent and wants me to marry a pastor and become her retirement plan. But to even do that she wants an advisory position in my life so that she still has some power. Its very odd and toxic so i stay away for my own sanity. She has told me "this will be your home if you move back, but if i do not follow her plan, suddenly im not welcome and then she begins degrading and berating me". So......overall i just keep my distance and privacy for the sake of my own peace in life. I dont want to tell her sonething and then she ends up discouraging me not to trust myself or take a different path just because she wants my life to fit her dream. Its an unfortunate disposition because i do wish i had a close bond with my mother. But her unresolved trauma prevents that.
Sad situation but she probably has a cluster B personality and at some point you will realise that she will never change and you will have to grieve that loving bond with her that you never had
Thanks you so much for you comment. It is really similar to what I am going through right now. Well, what I've experienced for the past 3 decades. But as I have decided to not take it anymore, things are becoming heated.
It's funny how the podcast suggests to sit down with your parents/mother and have a talk. I am more than happy to hear that it's possible for other African mothers but it definitely not the case in my family (Aunties included). There is no conversation, no matter how nice, polite or gentle I am when I address this topic. You end up ALWAYS being treated as ungrateful and a disgrace to the entire family. So now, I fight back, I will no longer take it!!!
I just wished I had done this a decade ago. At least my younger siblings wouldn't have to got through the same thing.
I am going through this and I'm unraveling at the seems
I am 32 years old and although I love my caregiver, I had to completely remove myself from their general vicinity. Now I'm dealing with how not to feel guilty for doing so.
I’m 23 and my mom won’t let me grow up.
My mother kinda makes her truth and plan for me the reality by nagging and get my family involved.
She didn’t like the idea of moving out for uni no matter how far I was from home, we argued so much that year and she even stop talking to me normally, that in the end it didn’t happen and I gave up, just doing what she wanted me to do.
Now it been a couple years later, i pay a good portion of the household bill and basically everyone cooks for themselves. But when I brought up moving out, as it was getting more expensive to live at home then it would to live near work. With petrol prices rising it cost nearly £200 in petrol just to drive to work that doesn’t include parking, and all the household bills I’m paying for. She started with the whole constant spill of how I’m heartless, selfish, an spoilt and entitled brat. Then had my family also in on it, at this point I came home less, and would stay at work as long as possible. Then she said I’m so selfish, that if I move I’ll make the household starve and homeless. Obviously I don’t want to do this and now I’ve become passive aggressive at everything she buys. She even when through my room as she was convinced these thought were because of a guy or bad friend. Tbh I don’t even know if she when through my diary. Only only reason I can tell she when through my room is when she put everything back and some of the things we’re out of place.
In my household I’m basically the biggest earner, so I feel now I can’t just up and leave silently, as she’ll need to budget to still pay all the bills I’m paying.
I feel she feel like she can control me, and I’m only an accessory to her, partly because she know if she nags enough I’ll cave. She comments on everything, from diet to how often I may or may not go out, or how much I stay/drive for work. I getting frustrating and I can see it slow destroying our relationship.
Thank you for this podcast. I going to put this into practice. I think I going to approach the topic differently and approach the relationship differently.
You have the money and the power - please do yourself a long term favour and leave! With all respect your mother sounds very selfish. Stop feeling guilt.
Sounds like you are in the UK. £ . You are in a difficult situation and you will only find peace by leaving. Move in silence, get a house share in silence. Your family are financially abusive and controlling. You do not owe her anything! You do not owe your mother anything, live your life ASAP.
I remember having to enforce “I’m grown to my parents”, but I think they have finally taken it. You just have to be firm!
my mother is my number one hater 🙌🏾
This episode REALLY hits home! I left the home when I was 19 and been on my own for the last 9 years so, especially taking the time to court your parents again was great advice. I’d say if I’ve learned anything, it’s that establishing your boundaries with them are INCREDIBLY important!
"Everybody be dealing with some of crazy in their household"lol😅😂😂😂
Hello! I’m a new sister and this conversation really hit home. I’m 24 soon to be 25 and I’m living with my parents. I’m still trying (struggling) to gain financial independence for myself to move out and that’s a whole mental struggle within itself. Anyways, how am I supposed to deal with parents that literally have no respect for me. Even if I do clean up around the house, do offer and suggest to pay bills, etc. like I’m just very tired of always being the one to make that move, when they just shut that down and /or hit me with harmful words, and making me feel like shit just because I’m still trying to figure out life and how to make money to move out and live without them being my financial support
unfortunately until you find your footing, it will continue.
You do not need to be doing your dream job to be independent. Even if its just something you can tolerate to make you money to move out, do it. In order to thrive on your own, you only need to make at least $20 per hour or $3200 per month. If you can find a job like that and save 4 months of rent, you can move out and then find yourself that way. But you wont survive on your own without a sufficient savings and job.
@@PiscesSun_Capricornrising thank you for the advice and i am currently look for a job
@@PiscesSun_Capricornrising thank you!!
This! I can totally relate; I am 24 as well! And I am still trying to find my feet and I am very compliant due to fear and mental health but I want to action more rather than talk and my parents are getting concerned since I am at home and I don’t have a job. All the best and I hope you are good! You got this
@@louiseaori Hey! thanks for sharing under my post! This new year is starting off rough for me. I got covid on new years...So I've just been focusing on getting better. I just started feeling normal two days ago. Im still figuring it out. still with my parents. But this year i am changing career path. And looking for a career in the tech industry bc i believe it will bring me the financial stability im seeking out. Hope you are doing well and i hope the new year was a lot nicer to you then it was for me lol
Haaaa. I was in the middle of watching another video. The way I paused that and rushed to y'all when I got the notification, I'm sure the other video was screaming, "RELAXXXXX" at me 😂. Love you guys!
Y’all be on point with these topics OMG
51:58 this one is tricky still. Like I feel like majority of the burden is on parents not on the children to make sure to equip the younger siblings. Its no secret that the younger children are more pampered in terms of just the parents realizing what they did right/wrong...but when the pampering effects are still evident and they have less than a year before they go to college, don't know how to cook even ramen noodles or turn on a stove...
And also I think its important to address the information/ digital divide? With a lot of information at our fingertips and more accessible than our parents did, we often feel like we know more stuff and can give better advice to our younger siblings, not necessarily replacing the experience our parents had, but in terms of relatability, it is stronger with siblings than with parents.
This topic is so timely, such a wealth of wisdom! Thank you for sharing
I’m 35 & left my parents house at 19. Even with living on my own, marriage, career, & kids of my own, the control factor was real- especially with my 16 y/o who my mom manipulated me into letting him live with her-which they used as a means of control-like calling CPS when I tried to move him back in the house w me. Anyway, I just learned to set boundaries & let go of craving respect from them. Even though they are toxic af, I consider how they had to grow up as well as the sacrifices that they did make to see to my well-being. Tricky tricky
For me personally, my parents being ashamed they had to accept money from me made them act more mean and disrespectful towards me and I had to tell them multiple times that the part of it that really hurt me was the taking it as a matter of fact instead of asking for help and then and not showing gratitude was the biggest problem at the time.
The frustrating thing in the situation where you're financially helping your parents while living with them is people assume it's the other way around first, and second when you complain about it people say "just don't" as if you should just let your family suffer when you can do something to help.
I will say though, you need to be a little bit selfish if you can, do not accept more responsibility. Don't automatically give, wait for them to ask. Don't give away so much you can't save or have anything for yourself. When times are less hard, pull back and focus on yourself.
I also had a very similar dilemma like this one!!!... Love the advice sisters❤️
Thank you for the top tier content! Xx
Having controlling, aka ethnic, parents 😅
I just found this podcast but your voices are so relaxing 😌 and so helpful
LOLLL are y'all reading my minddd wth I was just feeling down about this!! Lemme get into this episode ☕☕
Ladies, where’s the link to the sponsored walk? Couldn’t find it in the show notes. I’ll love to join in
Hey sorry about that! We've added it now but you can also access it here: www.eventbrite.com/e/tms-sponsored-walk-tickets-389836981907?utm-campaign=social&utm-content=attendeeshare&utm-medium=discovery&utm-term=listing&utm-source=cp&aff=escb ❤
@@tomysisters great thank you!
Got my ticket, see you on the 20th.
And this episode couldn’t have come at a better time, I definitely needed it. Thank you ladies for always being such rays of much needed wisdom 🧡
Vicey Versa 😂
Whewwww thank you for producing this podcast. I haven’t even watched yet but just reading through the comments has let me know I am not the only one in this situation.
Divine timing
Babes I read that dilemma like... was that me? Just went through this same thing again this week
OMG Ilove this month's challenge
Blessings!!!! Sisters in Christ!!🏝💙
💖💖💖
1:06:32 nahhh frrrr
😍 ❤
You ladies look so beautiful, as always! So, so thankful to be a part of the sisterhood. Much love from NYC. 💌
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
44:30
Me: trying to befriend (appropriately) and form a relationship with parents
Parents: turn every second with me as a lecture/time to do this and that chore
🥲 🙃