5 Ways to challenge yourself: 1. Feel uncomfortable purposely! 0:55 2. Healthy Boundaries (with either contact or no contact) 4:34 3. No enmeshment 7:23 4. Be selfish & put yourself FIRST! 9:17 5. Talk & share what your childhood was really like (tell YOUR story) 10:35 Thank you for these videos and your work! 🙏🏽✨
no 5: it's still so hard, because when i want to or try to speak about it, i still feel "no wait, what if i make it all up, what if IM the problem". That mindf*ck was the story of my life. No reality of my own.
I’m a victim of emotional incest and I have troubles communicating(speaking my truth/ expressing my feelings). It’s so hard to release that fear. I also struggle with needing to be in control
I remember the paralyzing fear I had in engineering school when I had to present my capstone project. It’s exactly as you described. I was in a sense afraid to be seen. I felt so damn vulnerable and the fear of judgment was intense. There is still a part of me that does not like to be seen or get too much attention in a group of people. Gotta do some more inward work in that regard to understand it. I think it does have a lot to do with a underdeveloped self identity, which leads to low self esteem and little to no confidence. Another thing that still boggles my mind is that even though I excelled in engineering school and do well in my field of expertise, I still doubt myself too often. Even if I know something is 100% correct, if someone contradicts what I say I will sometimes side with them. It’s ridiculous. Cowardly even. Gotta learn to stand my ground and defend my stance. I appreciate your insights in these videos.
Great insight! It definitely ties into your childhood and identity development----be sure not to 'beat-yourself-up' about it all, it's very common for abuse victims. Be sure to do (or keep doing) some therapeutic work about this....
You’re not alone in all of the feelings you describe. I feel the way you do about being underdeveloped as a stand alone person. I am so keen to people please I don’t even know who I am sometimes. Therapy is painful and it’s slowly changing my life. Good luck in all you do. You are worth healing
I guess I'm kinda lucky my mom's smothering was about me having the self esteem she didn't with her narcissistic mom, so she told me all kinds of words of affirmation. I existed for her redemption, so while she smothered the daylights out of me and made me her counsellor, she wanted me to believe in myself. She really meant well, which is why I call her a lovable kind of crazy. Her best efforts only continued the cycle of abuse. Well it stops with me!
I feel like I can't take care of myself when someone else is around. My wife and I were out doing errands when I think to myself, 'Oh I need to go by the hardware store and get some paint. Okay, maybe I'll have time to myself tomorrow and can do that.' I wouldn't feel like its appropriate to stop by the hardware today while I'm already out and about. I'm just going along with my wife and saying and doing nothing about what I want or need, just making mental notes so that I can do these things on my own time later. The other day I had a headache and I thought to myself, as soon as my wife goes to bed I'll take some tylenol and put a ice pack on my head. It rarely occurs to me until much later that I put off taking care of myself.
You are so clear, and easy to understand with the cause and effect aspects of enmeshment. It clears away the confusion and gaslighting of the NARC abusers tools for continued abuse. Like family is everything, etc.
My mother was diagnosed with NPD, and refused to go back to the shrink. My father’s needs weren’t met, and he was too weak, too passive aggressive to do anything about his wife, so he embedded himself in me and my brother. I saw the abuse for what it was, and desperately, I eventually fled, but my brother was totally compliant, even letting my father pick out his shoes, his hairstyle, his clothes and even his profession for him, well into his forties.
It all feels so overwhelming at this stage of my life. I moved and now living on my own 5 hours away from my parents at 23 years old.. I feel like I’m behind in life. No direction or guidance other than what my parents want me to do, stuck at a job I hate, binge eating disorder, body dismorphia, lack of identity/self image, anger issues, victim of emotional incest and probably other problems I have yet to discover. It’s going to take a lot of mental strength but I gotta learn to enjoy the process of healing myself. Thank you for your insights 🙏🏽
I'm riding motorcycles and am about to begin a truck driving career cross country. Both of these scare me but it's helping me build courage and grow past the mother wound.
The worst parts I am having is fear that trying to stand on my own I will fall flat on my face. and not be able to turn to THEM for help. It's all or nothing. I left abusive ex last Nov but still have struggles with him, I have breast cancer now and am struggling to pay the rent etc. during COVID due to job loss. I am trying to raise and help my kids heal while I heal and possibilities of "failure" seem to always be imminent these days. The other thing is struggling to not feel like all that they say of me is true, that I am hard and unloving cold selfish user betrayer etc etc etc . Its hard to be ok with being the "worst" person to the people that love you most.
I took care of my two younger brothers, and I always had to give in to them, because I am the eldest. At the same time, I always felt sorry for her, after graduating from university I realized that I perfectly know her desires, but I do not know about mine
I now understand what happened to me as a child. My mother has always used me mercilessly. I had to always protect her, because she was afraid of everything in the world. Go to the basement because she is afraid, to turn on the kettle, which can be electrocuted. I still care about her mood and condition, I'm so tired of it. At the age of two, when my younger brother was born, she already told me that I was big and had to dress myself
Watched again, the challenges mean even more second time around. The depth of content here I couldn't pick up in one go, it sums up my life to date and the challenges I still face. Thanks!
Hi, What if you *liked* it? What if you felt like it was an honor and you felt special? I think this is where The shame and disgust with ourselves come from.
What if you mother is 82 and so scattered and confused (due to her own lifelong ha it of lying) it seems hopeless to attempt to process anything? Anyone have any experience with this?
Do you have any advice on how to deal with/heal from emotional incest when the perpetrator (mother) is passing or has recently passed away? So theres obviously grief of the loss but also still dealing with the effects of the emotional incest...
Jessie, it is terrifying. But once you give your first speech or so, you will see you are in a very supportive group who cares about what you have to say. It really helps, not only with speaking skills, but in understanding what a healthy relationship is. It's one of the best things I did for myself in pushing away from the hold my parents had on me. I actually realized I could have my own opinion and was an okay person for it. So, I highly encourage giving it a try.
“They don’t know who they are without consuming you.” Amazing - this is revelatory
5 Ways to challenge yourself:
1. Feel uncomfortable purposely! 0:55
2. Healthy Boundaries (with either contact or no contact) 4:34
3. No enmeshment 7:23
4. Be selfish & put yourself FIRST! 9:17
5. Talk & share what your childhood was really like (tell YOUR story) 10:35
Thank you for these videos and your work! 🙏🏽✨
no 5: it's still so hard, because when i want to or try to speak about it, i still feel "no wait, what if i make it all up, what if IM the problem". That mindf*ck was the story of my life. No reality of my own.
I’m a victim of emotional incest and I have troubles communicating(speaking my truth/ expressing my feelings). It’s so hard to release that fear. I also struggle with needing to be in control
I remember the paralyzing fear I had in engineering school when I had to present my capstone project. It’s exactly as you described. I was in a sense afraid to be seen. I felt so damn vulnerable and the fear of judgment was intense. There is still a part of me that does not like to be seen or get too much attention in a group of people. Gotta do some more inward work in that regard to understand it. I think it does have a lot to do with a underdeveloped self identity, which leads to low self esteem and little to no confidence. Another thing that still boggles my mind is that even though I excelled in engineering school and do well in my field of expertise, I still doubt myself too often. Even if I know something is 100% correct, if someone contradicts what I say I will sometimes side with them. It’s ridiculous. Cowardly even. Gotta learn to stand my ground and defend my stance. I appreciate your insights in these videos.
Great insight! It definitely ties into your childhood and identity development----be sure not to 'beat-yourself-up' about it all, it's very common for abuse victims. Be sure to do (or keep doing) some therapeutic work about this....
Brad Shore, LMFT [Ask A Shrink!] I appreciate it Brad!
You’re not alone in all of the feelings you describe. I feel the way you do about being underdeveloped as a stand alone person. I am so keen to people please I don’t even know who I am sometimes. Therapy is painful and it’s slowly changing my life. Good luck in all you do. You are worth healing
I guess I'm kinda lucky my mom's smothering was about me having the self esteem she didn't with her narcissistic mom, so she told me all kinds of words of affirmation. I existed for her redemption, so while she smothered the daylights out of me and made me her counsellor, she wanted me to believe in myself. She really meant well, which is why I call her a lovable kind of crazy. Her best efforts only continued the cycle of abuse. Well it stops with me!
I feel like I can't take care of myself when someone else is around. My wife and I were out doing errands when I think to myself, 'Oh I need to go by the hardware store and get some paint. Okay, maybe I'll have time to myself tomorrow and can do that.' I wouldn't feel like its appropriate to stop by the hardware today while I'm already out and about. I'm just going along with my wife and saying and doing nothing about what I want or need, just making mental notes so that I can do these things on my own time later. The other day I had a headache and I thought to myself, as soon as my wife goes to bed I'll take some tylenol and put a ice pack on my head. It rarely occurs to me until much later that I put off taking care of myself.
You are so clear, and easy to understand with the cause and effect aspects of enmeshment. It clears away the confusion and gaslighting of the NARC abusers tools for continued abuse. Like family is everything, etc.
My mother was diagnosed with NPD, and refused to go back to the shrink.
My father’s needs weren’t met, and he was too weak, too passive aggressive to do anything about his wife, so he embedded himself in me and my brother.
I saw the abuse for what it was, and desperately, I eventually fled, but my brother was totally compliant, even letting my father pick out his shoes, his hairstyle, his clothes and even his profession for him, well into his forties.
It all feels so overwhelming at this stage of my life. I moved and now living on my own 5 hours away from my parents at 23 years old.. I feel like I’m behind in life. No direction or guidance other than what my parents want me to do, stuck at a job I hate, binge eating disorder, body dismorphia, lack of identity/self image, anger issues, victim of emotional incest and probably other problems I have yet to discover. It’s going to take a lot of mental strength but I gotta learn to enjoy the process of healing myself. Thank you for your insights 🙏🏽
I'm riding motorcycles and am about to begin a truck driving career cross country. Both of these scare me but it's helping me build courage and grow past the mother wound.
The worst parts I am having is fear that trying to stand on my own I will fall flat on my face. and not be able to turn to THEM for help. It's all or nothing. I left abusive ex last Nov but still have struggles with him, I have breast cancer now and am struggling to pay the rent etc. during COVID due to job loss. I am trying to raise and help my kids heal while I heal and possibilities of "failure" seem to always be imminent these days. The other thing is struggling to not feel like all that they say of me is true, that I am hard and unloving cold selfish user betrayer etc etc etc . Its hard to be ok with being the "worst" person to the people that love you most.
I’m so sorry for what you have been through. I hope things have gotten better for you in the last year ♥️
I took care of my two younger brothers, and I always had to give in to them, because I am the eldest. At the same time, I always felt sorry for her, after graduating from university I realized that I perfectly know her desires, but I do not know about mine
I now understand what happened to me as a child. My mother has always used me mercilessly. I had to always protect her, because she was afraid of everything in the world. Go to the basement because she is afraid, to turn on the kettle, which can be electrocuted. I still care about her mood and condition, I'm so tired of it. At the age of two, when my younger brother was born, she already told me that I was big and had to dress myself
Watched again, the challenges mean even more second time around. The depth of content here I couldn't pick up in one go, it sums up my life to date and the challenges I still face. Thanks!
these videos are a real treasure. Thanks brad
I'm effectively having a teen rebellion at 48
I had the exact same thought when I noticed I'm arguing with my mum more these days 😂😂
Thank you so much
Hi,
What if you *liked* it?
What if you felt like it
was an honor and you
felt special? I think this
is where The shame and
disgust with ourselves come
from.
Thanks for another video, I'm trying my best to do these things, please keep doing videos on emotional incest, I love how you approach it
Thanks Abi!
This is great, gives me loads of options for dealing with narcissistic abuse in the present. Thanks Brad.
This is so daunting
Yes it is😞 😭
Thanks a lot for your videos!
What if you mother is 82 and so scattered and confused (due to her own lifelong ha it of lying) it seems hopeless to attempt to process anything? Anyone have any experience with this?
i love your videos
Wow -- so my life
Do you have any advice on how to deal with/heal from emotional incest when the perpetrator (mother) is passing or has recently passed away? So theres obviously grief of the loss but also still dealing with the effects of the emotional incest...
Oh no... another recommendation for Toastmasters? I'm really going to have to do it aren't I 😂
I genuinely can't think of anything more terrifying.
Jessie, it is terrifying. But once you give your first speech or so, you will see you are in a very supportive group who cares about what you have to say. It really helps, not only with speaking skills, but in understanding what a healthy relationship is. It's one of the best things I did for myself in pushing away from the hold my parents had on me. I actually realized I could have my own opinion and was an okay person for it. So, I highly encourage giving it a try.
#qualitycontent 🌻🥂
You sound like that Dhar Mann guy but he has a million times more views. Wtf. (on facebook at least)
I've got to check him out!