I understand!! It's hard trying to have any when you think there's gonna be a price to pay. But the truth is there's a bigger price to pay if you don't.
@Sugar I understand completely. I've been through it and still am. I hear you and I'm with you. I'm hoping to use my healing experience to help others that have gone through exactly this to heal these parts. I've known for years about what was wrong but didn't know what to do. I'm going to have to learn how to put what I've learned into words here. There is a way to heal. I know one way is to begin is to accept what you feel is valid no matter what. It doesn't make you bad. You feel what you feel. What their opinion is if you doesn't matter. What you think about you matters. What you want in life matters. Visualize what you want to start out. It's just the beginning. They say the teacher shows up when the student is ready or so to speak. And you're not a loser. You suffered and suffer from trauma. Show compassion for yourself in that regard.
Same. Still struggling with it. The worst part is that there is no one who will try to help you. They will just take advantage of it like scavengers. I lost respect for human beings seeing what I've seen. Most will go for the lowest possible path if they can.
The worst thing is that when you escape at age 18 or whatever, there's no medal at the end of it for surviving Narcissists' Island. People & the world just continue to hammer you for years as you're just trying to piece yourself together & figure things out for yourself. Nobody gives a shite what you've had to overcome. I feel like I've always been playing catch-up.
I feel that way too. I also hate trying to do the impossible and learn to use my voice and boundaries and meanwhile the entire society around me is just pressuring me to do what I always did before and just be used for the benefit of other people. How can you learn to expect better from others when it's so normal to exploit, manipulate, and reduce people in every aspect of society? I wish people talked about that more too.
That's so true, nonetheless it's possible to feel much better, by first not trying to get along with people at all, and letting relationships happen by themselves spontaneously. And two, this might sound cliche but it works, and that's volunteering. It works because it shows you the "chaos" and that helps a lot in directly feeling that there's plenty of other people going through crap and feeling like crap and having a ton of traumas etc... so you don't feel alone and like the rest of society is fine. Maybe also try joining talk groups or online or local communities, where you can meet other people who feel and think the same and behave in a way similar to yours and wanting the same thing etc.. ~ still working on all the stuff myself, it might take a lifetime, but it can be done whilst feeling better 💪good luck to us 💪💪💕
My husband and I both are victims of emotional incest by our mothers. My mother was definitely on the vulnerable npd spectrum but his mother no doubt has NPD that transitioned into psychopathy. She's cruel and overt, demanding and engulfing. She has even taken over his financial security by opening accounts in his name as if she is his wife. Isn't beyond personality disorder? The deviance?
10 Ways To REPAIR Emotional Incest 1. Stay Away from Your Parents 2. Talk About It and Share your Story 3. Challenge Yourself and Push the Envelope 4. Advocate for Yourself and Find your Voice 5. Talk with your Siblings About It 6. Parent the Opposite Way with your Kids 7. "Assign" the Shame/Guilt To Your Parents 8. Time to put Yourself First 9. Give yourself Therapy 10. Surround Yourself with Supportive People
If you get a therapist, make sure the therapist is listening to the real you and letting you express. If they stop you from expressing, then it's necessary to seek another therapist. I'm passionate about this because it happened to me. Sometimes even the therapist can continue this pattern. If you feel stifled or unable to express yourself, find another therapist or work with another kind of healer entirely.
My child is his own person, because I worked so hard to make that so. He never heard me talk about my relationship with my wife, nor any problems. He loves to see you, loves to visit home, unlike me who ran away as far as I could as fast as I could.
Staying away from your parents. You know how taboo this is in society and even in our own social circles? I didn’t even recognize it as an option. I felt guilt and shame when I went No Contact with my mother, and it’s still a cycle. I build up the energy to interact with her, I set a tone for healthy communication, she responds accordingly, then goes overboard like an insatiable child, then I go No Contact. Rinse and repeat.
So true!! I try to avoid extended family and friends who hear a mouthful from my parents about how bad I am, about how I’m abandoning them and giving them blood pressure and causing all these ailments to them. They come and shame me and it’s like I can hear my parents words from their mouths. Any interaction with these people makes me feel so little and so horrible, that it sets me back in my healing and takes me back to feeling like that horrible child I’ve been made to feel since I was a born. Healing from trauma is so hard 😢
I was the scapegoat child and the Emotional Crutch for my depressed, angry, passive aggressive and opinionated Mom. And was also the girl born to the Man who only wanted sons and was emotionally and physically abandoned. (Then judged for my small bank account, poor taste in men, and lack of material assets by said man.) I do not talk to my siblings. I am the lone wolf. They all think I'm weird. But I am talking about it now. I just find the pendulum swings kinda far sometimes because there are a....loooooooootttt....of Feeeeelingsssss.
So glad I finally found your videos. I am a 60 year old woman who has struggled with this for a lifetime. My Mom was the perpetrator and my Dad did nothing about it. I have read books, been in therapy, etc. I am finally getting to a place of peace rather than a place of guilt, shame, and anger.
I am struggling with it now, a 42 year old man. It’s an inspiration to hear from another who has struggled that there’s indeed a place of peace ahead. Thank you! Wish you well.
I am 50. Realized that I was a victim of emotional incest not that long ago. It started with looking at my relationship with my husband, and then led to my relationship with my mom. My mom, by the way, decided to move close to us 7 years ago because she decided that she "needs to be loved by her family". That is when my realization started. It's been a rocky journey.
Regarding point number 10, unfortunately I ended up in friendships and relationships with people with diagnosed ADHD/ADD most of the time in the past 10 years, who only always talked about themselves, never listened to me, nor wanted to hear me talk or treated me as if I wasn't really there - because everything was always about them, their needs or what they had to say. Now after learning about emotional incest and watching your videos, everything starts to make sense.
I'm sorry that happened to you. As someone with ADHD, I don't think it was the ADHD that caused this behavior but rather it sounds like it stems from narcissism ( not trying to be rude, just sticking up for people with ADHD/ADD )
This is a Real thing. Im an Adult Now but I grew up in this Especially because I am a only child. My mother, grandmother and father were a burden to me. I felt so Consrticted. I had this resentment for them I had for years. I did not know where this Anger was coming from
For me, the biggest thing that has helped me heal from emotional incest (as well as from narcissistic abuse) is actually Christianity, Even as a (very new) atheist Quaker, I find that Christianity supplies the Love that I never received from my parents. "God" is mother and father. Jesus said literally: Leave your parents and follow me. Finding your way towards the mindset of Love is much more important than your biological parents.
Im embarrassed because im just learning this and im 51! I'm sad. I turned to drinking and drugs. I kept hurting myself which hurt my son. He is now 25 and has a daughter. He has so much resentment towards me.
1. Stay away from your parents. Set boundaries 2. Talk about it and share your story 3. Challenge yourself and push the envelope 4. Advocate for yourself. Find your voice 5. Talk with siblings about it 6. Parent the opposite way with your kids 7. Assign the shame and guilt to your parents 8. Put yourself first 9. Give yourself the gift of therapy and reframe 10. Surround with people that will let your voice heard.
Boundaries don’t exists.. I often pay for people or do too much because I don’t feel like anyone actually wants to be there and I have to thank them for dealing with me. Even if I was the one invited out, it’s hard to know if they care or are only using me. This is why I’m a hermit.
This information is amazing. Thank you so much. Last December, my brother came home and something happened. My eyes opened, I saw how my Mom acted. I noticed how she complained about him for asking for motherly things, like a home cooked meal. I was shocked. I was sad cause I helped by continuing to be a part of it. I told her enough today, we need to part ways. I am not responsible for her. I want to be free. I finally am loving myself and in that finding those who put me down or don't support me to not be worth my time. I matter. I keep saying that I matter. What I feel matters.
@Eric Cistero - Yes, you DO matter!! I'm in the same boat as you are. I was wondering how have things gone for you since you posted on here? I hope you are still getting better and stronger!!
I was/am a smothered child, but I have a hard time looking at myself as a victim (in this instance, I normally tend to very easily see myself as a victim) . Ifeel like I fed into her behavior, I was enjoying the attention up until some point (I wasn't able to put a word on it or see the whole puzzle, not just the pieces, until a few days ago). I feel guilty and ashamed for having almost encouraged this behavior. I let her save me so many times and felt privileged for it. I was going to ask how to deal with this but the answer is obvious. Therapy.
Same. As a smothered child it feels great initially, but when the treatment of others is different than what you get from parents, it causes a person to sit down and do some serious critical thinking. It's also difficult because after the target identified with the behavior for a while, everyone begins to think that's who the person actually is. And the target has to go through hell, ONCE AGAIN, after trying to get their authentic identity back......
Almost all abuse dynamics involve some level of carrot-stick behavior....and its completely normal to feel ashamed for your role in a relationship like that. You LIKED eating the carrot (hopefully you'll find that it was only because the carrot was better than the stick-- it was all you had!!) But there's nothing shameful about that. I felt this way after first getting out, I think guilt and shame is a really common first step in changing your perspective+situation. Hopefully you'll soon see, you werent wrong for eating yout abusers carrots--you were manipulated into accepting them and being appeased by them. That does not mean you asked for that abuse!!! And this certainly doesnt mean that you were okay with the abuse!! Abusers require our participation--they do insidious things like offer carrots to mask their abuse and make US feel complicit in it. You only fed into yout abuser and let yout abuser feed you because that was all you had, by the abusers design!!!! Sending you support and empowernent from afar ♡♡♡ I dont mean to come across as preachy or patronizing--I got so fired up! Talking to you, but also myself a little bit.... its hard not to put the blame back on yourself, somehow... ♡♡♡
Oh my dear friend. I did and at times I am still doing things for my Mother, because my mother has money. She can't and refuses to see me as a capable person! I have been in therapy for years ( like 5yrs) and its just now at the point were I see the dynamic with her and me and my father. Dont give up. I had to start from ground up. Finding a place to live and its hard . Just keep going.
Pushing the envelope, finding your voice, being seen, be independent.. you describe all of this so well. Feel the fear and do it anyway. Took me 40years to figure this out! Thankyou.
Wow! I had a dream some years ago where I was being sexual with my mother. Such an uncomfortable thing- it was often on my mind and I felt shame about this dream. I have not been able to make sense of it until now! Gosh, my higher self had the answer and you helped me diagnose my entire childhood and part of my adulthood. Thank you.
I had similar dreams about my mom as well. It definitely didn't help that in addition to committing emotional incest with me, she was also sexually inappropriate. She would sneak up behind me and kiss the back of my neck after I've said MULTIPLE times I don't like it. She made me take a second shower and watched me saying she wanted to make sure I was using soap because the smell of the soap wasn't strong enough on me. She would walk around naked, walk into my room without knocking. than once, I was like, "Get the fuck out of here" or "What the fuck are you doing?" She would be verbally or physically abusive and then start hugging and kissing on me afterward. I literally pushed her away from me when she tried to do that after putting her hands around my neck and shaking me because I didn't put my pillows on my bed the way she wanted them. She was shocked when I shoved her away. Thankfully she didn't kill me when I did that. She had introduced me to super violent and sexual TV shows and movies at an early age believing I needed to be desensitized. More than once, I would be watching a wholesome show and she would turn it off calling it bullcrap. My dad would tell me I was the only one he could REALLY talk to. That was because like Mom he was abusive without boundaries. He drove everyone away by being a jealous narcissist. He and Mom constantly put me in the middle of the disaster called their marriage and sabotaged my plans to fit into theirs often. I don't have a relationship with my siblings because they elevated me over them. Mom died 18 months ago from lung cancer and while I miss her, I don't miss the bullying and abuse. Dad tries to gaslight me into thinking things weren't that bad, but I'm on to him. But the real kicker is Mom and Dad called themselves Christians while doing all that mess! 😒
Start Journaling daily, you can find Journaling prompts related to the issues you want to work on. I was in this position a while ago and it really is just small differences that make the biggest changes. For me, just listening to myself and doing things I enjoy like walks in parks and buying myself a juice I like. Sorry if this doesn't help. But I didn't want you to feel alone.
I remember being about 6 and someone asking if I was hungry and I honestly didn't know. and remember having a little moment of awareness, and I had to ask myself if I felt hungry and realising I couldn't tell. funnily enough my mother is an emotional eater and I remember binging on cakes and cooking with my mum. which on the surface was a lot if fun but on tge darker side I was invisible I lost myself. I was never asked what I want I was just an extension of her.
Thanks for saying that this experience of abuse can also yield positive aspects of one's personality. I've always thought the same thing about my abuse, and in precisely the way you express it here. But I never heard anyone else say it before.
I live at home and becajse of covid I'm stuck here with my emotional abuser. I feel like she's still doing this to be but it's hard to say for sure...thank you again for doing this.
I am also living with my emotional abuser because of covid, things are different since having had time living away, and I also have hard time telling if I'm still being abused or not, such a strange situation were in, I hope we can both find some healthy distance from them soon :)
@@hannafriesen5113 yes, a healthy distance will help us both understand our situations. I hope you have the strength to do all you want and need to do.
I am still afraid, truth be told. I remember being a toddler, hiding under the table as my borderline narcissistic parent raged. Deep down, I fear being destroyed, being killed. My other parent didn't know that happened, but what you said about the other parent was very helpful nonetheless, thank you.
carrying a pistol gave me a sense of protection, security, and self identity. that I was responsible for the safety of the public around me. also, that I had the final say. but unfortunately, I was 21. without solving this truama, which id dealt with by becoming narcissistic... so at 27.... full mental breakdown. spiritual death. my inner child left my body. I felt him go. and the light of life.
@@VengefulPolititron the fact that you're here on this video and the fact you write such comment just obviously shows that you're still here, you and your light ...... 💕💕💕
Wow! I only stumbled across this concept about 10 days ago ... and it has changed my life! It has given me a language or a vocabulary that explains what has been going on between me and both my parents for decades! I'm 50 in a few days and it feels like I'm being born again! Thank you thank you thank you for these tips, I have instinctually started using some of them already I will now be more overt in their use
My brother is 16 and I'm 24, he is still living w said parent... I want to just send him these videos but I'm not sure how to best initiate the conversation. I am now realizing what we went through and that he is affected by it still as much as I was growing up :(
Well done thanks for helping your brother . Unfortunately I was bearing all the direct trauma causing from my covert narc mom and codependant addicted father I suffered through my 28 years I was the fucking Golden child but my sister traet me like Shit because of that . I tend to feel that I am ruining my life because of all the trauma EVERYBODY abused me even my sister I had no self esteem left for me my mother consumed it all since I recalled even since 3 . I doorslammed entire opposite sex . I just learned these content concisely since last night wish me luck to recover
Thank you for making this video! This really validated for me that I am allowed to be selfish for a bit. I’ve also started doing standup comedy as a way to push myself out of my comfort zone. I’m so excited to continue on my journey and heal from my past because it doesn’t define me as an adult ☺️
When I was younger mom would tell me I had to explain how I felt about everything. Whenever she heard something she didn't like she would resort to physical harm. Now I live alone with my dog and have no intentions of changing that. Her mother " my grandmother" has this thought process and attitude that I was created for her personal entertainment. I was also alienated from my father growing up and did not find out why he wasn't in my life until after he died. I this is all the reason I like to be alone almost like I'm addicted to it.
I understand this to a degree. People any people even family or spouses can equal pain physical, mental and emotional. So we think it's better for us to stay away. I think until we process what's happened to us it might be better being alone.
It took the crazy events of this year for me to cut off the narcissistic family members and both parents and for me to realize this was something I was dealing with... it was a much less terrifying process than I thought it would be and has made such a huge difference to my life.
Great video Brad! I have to say that I am grateful for how far I have come in my healing journey from this type of trauma. I have noticed changes in that I am able to express my true feelings about things as opposed to saying what others want to hear. It’s freeing! I am still struggling with anger though. I have been for years. I have had a lot of bitterness and resentment towards the opposite sex. It kinda sucks as I have a desire for connection but I also have an opposing side of me that feels an aversion for fear of being used and manipulated. I’m still stuck in this place unfortunately even at 35 years old. It is upsetting. It’s like my mom sabotaged my ability to have intimacy with another human being. Very frustrating. Did you ever struggle with anger towards women bc of the abuse?
Yes, you are having great insight in being aware of the bitterness and resentment towards the opposite sex........the first step is the awareness, and yes this reaction can be quite common. In fact, I need to make a video exactly about this topic!!! Thanks :)
Brad Shore, LMFT [Ask A Shrink!] I’ve been working through the issues with anger for a few years in therapy but it has definitely come in layers. Just when I think I’m over something, other stuff comes to the surface. I believe the anger is a protective emotion that is guarding against the invasion/boundary violation from the parent. I have a therapy session tomorrow, so I’m sure I will bring this up. Thanks again, and Merry Christmas to you!
@@adamrocks19 Same is going with me right now, just when I think it's over, a new wave of memories arises. Being physically present around them doesn't help eather.
Explains my life. Totally a victim on chronic level. Im not able to make authentic connections. I have friends I vibe with them but thats all temporary. No real connection. Please help me. I have been so depressed I get suicidal thoughts
Hi Pritesh, your symptoms are common for anyone who's a victim of some sort of emotional trauma. When anyone is having suicidal thoughts it's important to seek therapy a.s.a.p. to process the underlying issues----and/or call 911 if/when the symptoms seem overwhelming. There's much to be hopeful for when we begin understanding more clearly the "why" of our emotional pain, and have someone safe to talk to. If you live in the U.S. the National Suicide Prevention Hotline number is 1-800-273-8255. I wish you the best on your journey inward...
I wish I could find a Narcissism informed therapist. I’ve been invalidated by 2 and feel weak to try and put myself through any more invalidation. I get it every single day. I have a decent selection with insurance but the two I thought were most fitting, one with supposed specialization in abuse, I was very disappointed and even set back by.
Ohhh yessss… I started going to Psychologist in college. I was always trying to find out what was wrong with me. So every psychologist I ever saw sat there listening and I never found out what was “wrong with me“. My mother refused to go to therapy with me. So for 40 years I went from Psychologist to Psychologist to Psychiatrist back to Psychologist… None of them had an inkling. When I finally started learning about narcissism I went to two more psychologists after having quit for a really long time, and I spoke of my issues and when I didn’t get the proper response I suggested that my mother was a narcissist and two psychologist completely dismissed me/my idea. When was an older woman who shut me down and the other was a young woman getting her doctorate at the University. Even though I had previously said to myself no more psychologists. After those two experiences I was certain I would never speak to one again. Facebook groups and UA-cam videos given me the understanding that I needed. But I’m 69 years old now. So it’s good to know but not much time to reverse anything
Lots of narcissistic women go into psychology and they aren’t going to be able to even conceive of the idea of a woman being able to victimize anybody because then they’d have to view themselves. They probably just wanted to get better at manipulation themselves and that’s why they went into the field.
God bless you Brad. No one else has explained this issue so well. This video I can show to my partner. I'm sure this will help her to understand. Thank you.
Great video. But regarding the suggestion that the one parent who sees the other parent doing something wrong - > yes, I agree that it should be pointed out - but good luck convincing that other parent to change the behavior!!!
So Happy this came in my content,I find your information very comforting and intelligent,Talking really helps ,A therapist helps to put your thoughts in perspective ,I always say I'm a warrior because I Survived... ...
How do you 'assign' shame and guilt back towards your parents? For me the shame is probably the greatest affect, but getting the state of shame 'out' of my being seems so impossible, I feel like it's ingrained permanently.
Keep building the awareness of 'assigning' just as you are doing....you don't have to completely "get over it"---that is not necessarily the goal.....it's more about 'integrating' feelings (guilt) as opposed to ridding ourselves of them. Hope this helps....
Watch Jay Reid’s videos on shame. He sees it as a defense mechanism that kept you safe from lashing out at parents. Thinking of it in that way has eliminated shame for me.
Very true. Like that self hatred, the shame, the guilt, it’s just become such a part of me. I’m carrying it with me everywhere! Even I don’t know how to rid myself from it. I always feel unwanted, too much, shameful for taking up space or even breathing. That I don’t deserve to be treated well.
Thank you for making these videos. I discovered the concept of emotional incest a few years ago and the limited literature I have been able to find only includes examples that do not come anywhere close to the severity of my experience. I came across your videos tonight and it is interesting to hear from someone who is both a licensed therapist and a survivor of this type of abuse. Although I am sad to see so many in the comments have experienced covert/emotional incest, I am encouraged by your videos and feel that I am healing and dealing in a healthy way. Thank you for speaking out about this. You are helping people more than you likely know.
emotional stimulation that is perhaps enjoyed though disliked... and without consent. especially as a minor. is the same as people's involuntary mechanical physical responses to unwanted stimulation. ergo: we were emotionally r*ped.
Being emotional neglected, and turning that around makes that a parent goes and smother the child.....and another generation with an emotional trauma will arise ...(what was never learned by the parents you cannot pass on...if there’s not an ‘awakening’).
📖📖Leviticus 18: 4--9 "Ye shall do my judgements, and keep mine ordinances, to walk therein: I am the Lord your God...None of you shall approach to any that is near of kin to him, to uncover their nakedness: I am the Lord."
Great video. Can we say that narcissistic abuse is emotional incest? How to differentiate? Or what is the connection between the two? Kind regards from Belgium.
It's so beautifully said, so glad someone know all from a-z and I'm not nuts, so good tips, you are so right about therapy, all I'm missing now is a person w positive feedback, I get so sick when ppl are negative like in second like all good leaves me..... But I'm so glad is over I can love me and let me be me.....
Omg yeah I don't even like being perceived, I can't stand ANY embarrassment, and now I just realize why I hate parenting and I can work on that thanks you!
Thank you so much for this! It's a glimmer of hope in a very dark place. I can't help but think, are there any of these videos we'd be able to share with our parents? Not sure if hearing it from someone else would make a difference.
Thank you for this video. You said father to son as emotional incest? How does this dynamic work exactly? Can you do a video to explain this topic? It would be greatly appreciated!
Anytime a parent is using one of their own children for emotional support of some type, this is considered to be emotional incest. So the dynamics would be very similar from a father to a son......for example, if a father is telling the son about all his adult problems, including the fact that he thinks his wife (the boys mother) is a "fat pig who who is terrible in the bedroom", than this would is thwarting the emotional/identity development of his son. Hope this helps, and thanks for watching.
Ken Adams has workshops that help men to stand up for themselves and stop the enmeshment with their mothers so that they can have a good relationship with their spouses. But I have to admit that in my ex's case, I don't think his mother would have allowed the change to occur. However, it would have been the best thing for my ex to know that he had stood up to the person who had victimized him for so many years. It would have given him a feeling of self-power.
I'm DONE Running on Mom's Hampster Wheel!....She changes her mind like she changes her clothes! I Spent an ENTIRE DAY CLEANING THE BASEMENT...TO USE THE COUNTER, BECAUSE SHE TOLD ME IF I WANTED TO USE MY JUICER I HAD TO DO IT DOWNSTAIRS. (SORRY ABOUT ALL CAPS) MY HANDS HURT. She Came Down Stairs & THREW A FIT! Are You UNPACKING!???....."You TOLD ME TO ORGANIZE THIS! TO USE THE COUNTER!" She just got PISSED & Stormed Upstairs!...WHAT DID SHE EXPECT!????
These advices (going no contact, processing the trauma, taking care of themselves, etc) - are putting expectations on victims - are confirming the trauma, are telling people that they're victims. So the person's been abused and we're telling people to 'move on'? Taking control and reclaim your life while being a victim? Also, how's going no contact and strong boundaries work together?
RECOMMENDATION REQUEST: My wife experienced this from childhood well into adulthood and she is now working on it. We speak English and live in Japan. Do you have recommendations for a therapist, able to do video or phone sessions, on this subject, being presented in this video?
Everything you are saying is true of my spouse. But with my spouse he will never admit to it. He will call you an idiot and say what you are saying is rubbish. My spouse is a complete lost case.
I feel disconnected from my family cuz we were & are. Abusive & neglectful narc mom enabling yet I loving dad yet also both of them picked a child. I'm only realizing what I thought was love, bonding, and my dad picking me due to us being naturally closer had at least some elements of emotional incest not all of it yet some of it I did also need to perform for him or else in my mind I'd loose the only person who was connecting and loving me it may not have been true yet I didn't know that. The whole family had to pretend to get affection in return and some members did so more successfully with other members like me & my dad yet me and my mom I could never pretend enough for her same for my sister who only showed that aspect of herself late in life turns out she was pretending to like me all my life yet hated me inside. There is no connection just performance even now with the nephews and I'm not sure how I feel about this beyond shocked & wondering now what.
I wish I could just explain every little detail as to why this wouldn’t help my situation but it’d be the length of a a Hobbit novel But to try and sum it up - I still love with my parent. I’m 20 and just wanted to stay home til I finish college so I don’t need to pay bills while I’m working But uhhh I found this out and everything just CLICKED (I watched your other videos on this) and done more research… EVERYTHING just made since and there’s literally no escape until I’m out of college. I literally cannot have a voice even if I wanted to just trust me on that one. CAN NEVER get away for her doing this to me (until I move out) - today she literally sat in my room watching me do my homework for 2 hours (I NEVER HAVE ANY PERSONAL SPACE)
What if the adult that was a victim of this abuse projects the shame and anger onto his or her spouse? What if the adult who was a victim of such abuse insists on raising his or her child the way he or she was raised even though the spouse is fighting tooth and nail to do the opposite because the spouse sees the damage but the adult who was abused as a child has normalized it and is determined to validate it?
Hey Brad, can this not happen to every sibling of the same sexe, if the parent is a narcissist? I think in my family it happened also/especially to the unloved children. Thanks.
Generally it's one chosen child, however this syndrome is not "black-and-white" so there can be variations, including what you're describing. The main point is that it's an adult placing the emotional role of husband or wife ONTO a child (or children). Hope this helps.....
@@BradShore Thanks, yes, my father has seen us all (!) as partners/“objects“. He wanted us all to admire him, it did not work very well with me, so I became the scapegoat.
I didn't even know what boundaries were. I had none. I wasn't allowed to have any.
Yup
Same here. I’m learning.
I understand!! It's hard trying to have any when you think there's gonna be a price to pay. But the truth is there's a bigger price to pay if you don't.
@Sugar I understand completely. I've been through it and still am. I hear you and I'm with you. I'm hoping to use my healing experience to help others that have gone through exactly this to heal these parts. I've known for years about what was wrong but didn't know what to do. I'm going to have to learn how to put what I've learned into words here. There is a way to heal. I know one way is to begin is to accept what you feel is valid no matter what. It doesn't make you bad. You feel what you feel. What their opinion is if you doesn't matter. What you think about you matters. What you want in life matters. Visualize what you want to start out. It's just the beginning. They say the teacher shows up when the student is ready or so to speak. And you're not a loser. You suffered and suffer from trauma. Show compassion for yourself in that regard.
Same. Still struggling with it. The worst part is that there is no one who will try to help you. They will just take advantage of it like scavengers. I lost respect for human beings seeing what I've seen. Most will go for the lowest possible path if they can.
The worst thing is that when you escape at age 18 or whatever, there's no medal at the end of it for surviving Narcissists' Island.
People & the world just continue to hammer you for years as you're just trying to piece yourself together & figure things out for yourself.
Nobody gives a shite what you've had to overcome.
I feel like I've always been playing catch-up.
Preach
I feel that way too. I also hate trying to do the impossible and learn to use my voice and boundaries and meanwhile the entire society around me is just pressuring me to do what I always did before and just be used for the benefit of other people. How can you learn to expect better from others when it's so normal to exploit, manipulate, and reduce people in every aspect of society? I wish people talked about that more too.
Say it louder for the people in the back with the hearing aids!!!! This is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!!
That's so true, nonetheless it's possible to feel much better, by first not trying to get along with people at all, and letting relationships happen by themselves spontaneously. And two, this might sound cliche but it works, and that's volunteering. It works because it shows you the "chaos" and that helps a lot in directly feeling that there's plenty of other people going through crap and feeling like crap and having a ton of traumas etc... so you don't feel alone and like the rest of society is fine.
Maybe also try joining talk groups or online or local communities, where you can meet other people who feel and think the same and behave in a way similar to yours and wanting the same thing etc..
~ still working on all the stuff myself, it might take a lifetime, but it can be done whilst feeling better
💪good luck to us 💪💪💕
My husband and I both are victims of emotional incest by our mothers. My mother was definitely on the vulnerable npd spectrum but his mother no doubt has NPD that transitioned into psychopathy. She's cruel and overt, demanding and engulfing. She has even taken over his financial security by opening accounts in his name as if she is his wife. Isn't beyond personality disorder? The deviance?
10 Ways To REPAIR Emotional Incest
1. Stay Away from Your Parents
2. Talk About It and Share your Story
3. Challenge Yourself and Push the Envelope
4. Advocate for Yourself and Find your Voice
5. Talk with your Siblings About It
6. Parent the Opposite Way with your Kids
7. "Assign" the Shame/Guilt To Your Parents
8. Time to put Yourself First
9. Give yourself Therapy
10. Surround Yourself with Supportive People
:)
Thanks !
Awesome List!
Thanks Florentino!!
No wonder I haven't healed mine. I fail at step #1 still 😐
If you get a therapist, make sure the therapist is listening to the real you and letting you express. If they stop you from expressing, then it's necessary to seek another therapist. I'm passionate about this because it happened to me. Sometimes even the therapist can continue this pattern. If you feel stifled or unable to express yourself, find another therapist or work with another kind of healer entirely.
@@emerald_echo Very true…
My child is his own person, because I worked so hard to make that so. He never heard me talk about my relationship with my wife, nor any problems. He loves to see you, loves to visit home, unlike me who ran away as far as I could as fast as I could.
God bless u brother, touching words. ❤
Bless you man. Peace and love to you. Thank you.
You are the winner. Well done!
@@leeboriack8054 Thanks.
Staying away from your parents. You know how taboo this is in society and even in our own social circles? I didn’t even recognize it as an option. I felt guilt and shame when I went No Contact with my mother, and it’s still a cycle. I build up the energy to interact with her, I set a tone for healthy communication, she responds accordingly, then goes overboard like an insatiable child, then I go No Contact. Rinse and repeat.
So true!! I try to avoid extended family and friends who hear a mouthful from my parents about how bad I am, about how I’m abandoning them and giving them blood pressure and causing all these ailments to them. They come and shame me and it’s like I can hear my parents words from their mouths. Any interaction with these people makes me feel so little and so horrible, that it sets me back in my healing and takes me back to feeling like that horrible child I’ve been made to feel since I was a born. Healing from trauma is so hard 😢
Holy shit. This video punched me right in the heart. I do deserve to not walk around broken glass anymore. I'm not my father's therapist.
Keep growing. Goodluck
It’s my father too. I relate
I was the scapegoat child and the Emotional Crutch for my depressed, angry, passive aggressive and opinionated Mom. And was also the girl born to the Man who only wanted sons and was emotionally and physically abandoned. (Then judged for my small bank account, poor taste in men, and lack of material assets by said man.) I do not talk to my siblings. I am the lone wolf. They all think I'm weird. But I am talking about it now. I just find the pendulum swings kinda far sometimes because there are a....loooooooootttt....of Feeeeelingsssss.
So glad I finally found your videos. I am a 60 year old woman who has struggled with this for a lifetime. My Mom was the perpetrator and my Dad did nothing about it. I have read books, been in therapy, etc. I am finally getting to a place of peace rather than a place of guilt, shame, and anger.
I am struggling with it now, a 42 year old man. It’s an inspiration to hear from another who has struggled that there’s indeed a place of peace ahead. Thank you! Wish you well.
I am 50. Realized that I was a victim of emotional incest not that long ago. It started with looking at my relationship with my husband, and then led to my relationship with my mom. My mom, by the way, decided to move close to us 7 years ago because she decided that she "needs to be loved by her family". That is when my realization started. It's been a rocky journey.
Sending you love ❤
Regarding point number 10, unfortunately I ended up in friendships and relationships with people with diagnosed ADHD/ADD most of the time in the past 10 years, who only always talked about themselves, never listened to me, nor wanted to hear me talk or treated me as if I wasn't really there - because everything was always about them, their needs or what they had to say.
Now after learning about emotional incest and watching your videos, everything starts to make sense.
I'm sorry that happened to you. As someone with ADHD, I don't think it was the ADHD that caused this behavior but rather it sounds like it stems from narcissism ( not trying to be rude, just sticking up for people with ADHD/ADD )
Concise-Clear-40 + years of therapy-77 years of struggling with this. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!
Congrats on continuing to improve your LIFE!
This is a Real thing. Im an Adult Now but I grew up in this Especially because I am a only child. My mother, grandmother and father were a burden to me. I felt so Consrticted. I had this resentment for them I had for years. I did not know where this Anger was coming from
Same...
Same here. The insane part about it is it is expected to continue THRU adulthood.
@@msfullroller Yep.....
For me, the biggest thing that has helped me heal from emotional incest (as well as from narcissistic abuse) is actually Christianity, Even as a (very new) atheist Quaker, I find that Christianity supplies the Love that I never received from my parents. "God" is mother and father. Jesus said literally: Leave your parents and follow me. Finding your way towards the mindset of Love is much more important than your biological parents.
Im embarrassed because im just learning this and im 51! I'm sad. I turned to drinking and drugs. I kept hurting myself which hurt my son. He is now 25 and has a daughter. He has so much resentment towards me.
1. Stay away from your parents. Set boundaries
2. Talk about it and share your story
3. Challenge yourself and push the envelope
4. Advocate for yourself. Find your voice
5. Talk with siblings about it
6. Parent the opposite way with your kids
7. Assign the shame and guilt to your parents
8. Put yourself first
9. Give yourself the gift of therapy and reframe
10. Surround with people that will let your voice heard.
My Mom, Dad, and their partners did this to me. So glad we finally have a name for it.
I just learned this today and im 51. I hope things get better for you. And me too!
Boundaries don’t exists.. I often pay for people or do too much because I don’t feel like anyone actually wants to be there and I have to thank them for dealing with me. Even if I was the one invited out, it’s hard to know if they care or are only using me. This is why I’m a hermit.
Same to same!
Stop this behavors you should get out from the role if people pleaser
This information is amazing. Thank you so much. Last December, my brother came home and something happened. My eyes opened, I saw how my Mom acted. I noticed how she complained about him for asking for motherly things, like a home cooked meal. I was shocked. I was sad cause I helped by continuing to be a part of it. I told her enough today, we need to part ways. I am not responsible for her. I want to be free. I finally am loving myself and in that finding those who put me down or don't support me to not be worth my time. I matter. I keep saying that I matter. What I feel matters.
@Eric Cistero - Yes, you DO matter!! I'm in the same boat as you are. I was wondering how have things gone for you since you posted on here? I hope you are still getting better and stronger!!
I was/am a smothered child, but I have a hard time looking at myself as a victim (in this instance, I normally tend to very easily see myself as a victim) . Ifeel like I fed into her behavior, I was enjoying the attention up until some point (I wasn't able to put a word on it or see the whole puzzle, not just the pieces, until a few days ago). I feel guilty and ashamed for having almost encouraged this behavior. I let her save me so many times and felt privileged for it. I was going to ask how to deal with this but the answer is obvious. Therapy.
Same. As a smothered child it feels great initially, but when the treatment of others is different than what you get from parents, it causes a person to sit down and do some serious critical thinking.
It's also difficult because after the target identified with the behavior for a while, everyone begins to think that's who the person actually is. And the target has to go through hell, ONCE AGAIN, after trying to get their authentic identity back......
Almost all abuse dynamics involve some level of carrot-stick behavior....and its completely normal to feel ashamed for your role in a relationship like that. You LIKED eating the carrot (hopefully you'll find that it was only because the carrot was better than the stick-- it was all you had!!) But there's nothing shameful about that. I felt this way after first getting out, I think guilt and shame is a really common first step in changing your perspective+situation.
Hopefully you'll soon see, you werent wrong for eating yout abusers carrots--you were manipulated into accepting them and being appeased by them. That does not mean you asked for that abuse!!! And this certainly doesnt mean that you were okay with the abuse!! Abusers require our participation--they do insidious things like offer carrots to mask their abuse and make US feel complicit in it. You only fed into yout abuser and let yout abuser feed you because that was all you had, by the abusers design!!!!
Sending you support and empowernent from afar ♡♡♡
I dont mean to come across as preachy or patronizing--I got so fired up! Talking to you, but also myself a little bit.... its hard not to put the blame back on yourself, somehow...
♡♡♡
Oh my dear friend. I did and at times I am still doing things for my Mother, because my mother has money. She can't and refuses to see me as a capable person! I have been in therapy for years ( like 5yrs) and its just now at the point were I see the dynamic with her and me and my father. Dont give up. I had to start from ground up. Finding a place to live and its hard . Just keep going.
@@wackytackysocks what a great message!!!! Absolutely on point and great! I'm sure your words will help many others.
Pushing the envelope, finding your voice, being seen, be independent.. you describe all of this so well. Feel the fear and do it anyway. Took me 40years to figure this out! Thankyou.
Wow! I had a dream some years ago where I was being sexual with my mother. Such an uncomfortable thing- it was often on my mind and I felt shame about this dream. I have not been able to make sense of it until now! Gosh, my higher self had the answer and you helped me diagnose my entire childhood and part of my adulthood. Thank you.
I had similar dreams about my mom as well. It definitely didn't help that in addition to committing emotional incest with me, she was also sexually inappropriate. She would sneak up behind me and kiss the back of my neck after I've said MULTIPLE times I don't like it. She made me take a second shower and watched me saying she wanted to make sure I was using soap because the smell of the soap wasn't strong enough on me. She would walk around naked, walk into my room without knocking. than once, I was like, "Get the fuck out of here" or "What the fuck are you doing?" She would be verbally or physically abusive and then start hugging and kissing on me afterward. I literally pushed her away from me when she tried to do that after putting her hands around my neck and shaking me because I didn't put my pillows on my bed the way she wanted them. She was shocked when I shoved her away. Thankfully she didn't kill me when I did that. She had introduced me to super violent and sexual TV shows and movies at an early age believing I needed to be desensitized. More than once, I would be watching a wholesome show and she would turn it off calling it bullcrap.
My dad would tell me I was the only one he could REALLY talk to. That was because like Mom he was abusive without boundaries. He drove everyone away by being a jealous narcissist. He and Mom constantly put me in the middle of the disaster called their marriage and sabotaged my plans to fit into theirs often. I don't have a relationship with my siblings because they elevated me over them.
Mom died 18 months ago from lung cancer and while I miss her, I don't miss the bullying and abuse. Dad tries to gaslight me into thinking things weren't that bad, but I'm on to him. But the real kicker is Mom and Dad called themselves Christians while doing all that mess! 😒
That's amazing you pieced it together. We can heal when we see and want to understand.
i also had the same thing- i didn’t understand. the subconscious holds many answers and secrets
Wow. I still didn't get that until, I read that. Ty. That's very brave.
You people are messed up. Who the hell dreams something so despicable?
4:48 “share who you really are” What if I don’t know who I am, and never have known?
Start Journaling daily, you can find Journaling prompts related to the issues you want to work on. I was in this position a while ago and it really is just small differences that make the biggest changes. For me, just listening to myself and doing things I enjoy like walks in parks and buying myself a juice I like. Sorry if this doesn't help. But I didn't want you to feel alone.
@@RR-kz4hq Thank you!
Stress selfish, be A lot selfish, put yourself and your own needs first. Very important in healing emotional incest, being aware of yourself
I remember being about 6 and someone asking if I was hungry and I honestly didn't know. and remember having a little moment of awareness, and I had to ask myself if I felt hungry and realising I couldn't tell. funnily enough my mother is an emotional eater and I remember binging on cakes and cooking with my mum. which on the surface was a lot if fun but on tge darker side I was invisible I lost myself. I was never asked what I want I was just an extension of her.
Thanks for saying that this experience of abuse can also yield positive aspects of one's personality. I've always thought the same thing about my abuse, and in precisely the way you express it here. But I never heard anyone else say it before.
Yes, a 'silver-lining' indeed :)
@@BradShore Yes. Thank you for that. I know that I am a better person in some ways having had this experience.
I live at home and becajse of covid I'm stuck here with my emotional abuser. I feel like she's still doing this to be but it's hard to say for sure...thank you again for doing this.
I am also living with my emotional abuser because of covid, things are different since having had time living away, and I also have hard time telling if I'm still being abused or not, such a strange situation were in, I hope we can both find some healthy distance from them soon :)
@@hannafriesen5113 yes, a healthy distance will help us both understand our situations. I hope you have the strength to do all you want and need to do.
I am still afraid, truth be told. I remember being a toddler, hiding under the table as my borderline narcissistic parent raged. Deep down, I fear being destroyed, being killed. My other parent didn't know that happened, but what you said about the other parent was very helpful nonetheless, thank you.
carrying a pistol gave me a sense of protection, security, and self identity.
that I was responsible for the safety of the public around me.
also, that I had the final say.
but unfortunately, I was 21. without solving this truama, which id dealt with by becoming narcissistic...
so at 27.... full mental breakdown. spiritual death. my inner child left my body. I felt him go. and the light of life.
@@VengefulPolititron the fact that you're here on this video and the fact you write such comment just obviously shows that you're still here, you and your light ...... 💕💕💕
@@homiekeen23
thanks!
J
E
S
U
S
came back to me and fixed my heart soul and mind! He is great!
Wow! I only stumbled across this concept about 10 days ago ... and it has changed my life! It has given me a language or a vocabulary that explains what has been going on between me and both my parents for decades! I'm 50 in a few days and it feels like I'm being born again! Thank you thank you thank you for these tips, I have instinctually started using some of them already I will now be more overt in their use
So glad it helps Alexander.....
My brother is 16 and I'm 24, he is still living w said parent... I want to just send him these videos but I'm not sure how to best initiate the conversation. I am now realizing what we went through and that he is affected by it still as much as I was growing up :(
Well done thanks for helping your brother . Unfortunately I was bearing all the direct trauma causing from my covert narc mom and codependant addicted father I suffered through my 28 years I was the fucking Golden child but my sister traet me like Shit because of that . I tend to feel that I am ruining my life because of all the trauma EVERYBODY abused me even my sister I had no self esteem left for me my mother consumed it all since I recalled even since 3 . I doorslammed entire opposite sex . I just learned these content concisely since last night wish me luck to recover
You have been so helpful. I am now old but have never understood my life. Your talks bring a lot of lucidity.
Wow this is such a relief to know that someone understands , thank you so much
Yes my siblings and I grow closer when we open up and talk about it , these are all great
Thank you for making this video! This really validated for me that I am allowed to be selfish for a bit. I’ve also started doing standup comedy as a way to push myself out of my comfort zone. I’m so excited to continue on my journey and heal from my past because it doesn’t define me as an adult ☺️
I love the underlying reason as to why you're doing standup! That's fantastic! If you ever perform in the LA area let me know. :)
That's Cool !
Much much success - Kudos.
When I was younger mom would tell me I had to explain how I felt about everything. Whenever she heard something she didn't like she would resort to physical harm. Now I live alone with my dog and have no intentions of changing that. Her mother " my grandmother" has this thought process and attitude that I was created for her personal entertainment. I was also alienated from my father growing up and did not find out why he wasn't in my life until after he died. I this is all the reason I like to be alone almost like I'm addicted to it.
I'm sorry for you. It probably feels safer to be alone. One thing is you don't have to fix anyone either.
I understand this to a degree. People any people even family or spouses can equal pain physical, mental and emotional. So we think it's better for us to stay away. I think until we process what's happened to us it might be better being alone.
Thank you for sharing this wisdom I'm so grateful 🙏🏾 I just want to be fully healed and can truly discover who I am. God bless you
Wow! It feels good to finally know what’s been killing me all this time. Thank you so much
Another thank you!
Healed by confronting a family member, and letting go through meditation
It took the crazy events of this year for me to cut off the narcissistic family members and both parents and for me to realize this was something I was dealing with... it was a much less terrifying process than I thought it would be and has made such a huge difference to my life.
youtubers save lives ..!😣 had i never had a phone i would have found out too late
Great video Brad! I have to say that I am grateful for how far I have come in my healing journey from this type of trauma. I have noticed changes in that I am able to express my true feelings about things as opposed to saying what others want to hear. It’s freeing! I am still struggling with anger though. I have been for years. I have had a lot of bitterness and resentment towards the opposite sex. It kinda sucks as I have a desire for connection but I also have an opposing side of me that feels an aversion for fear of being used and manipulated. I’m still stuck in this place unfortunately even at 35 years old. It is upsetting. It’s like my mom sabotaged my ability to have intimacy with another human being. Very frustrating. Did you ever struggle with anger towards women bc of the abuse?
Yes, you are having great insight in being aware of the bitterness and resentment towards the opposite sex........the first step is the awareness, and yes this reaction can be quite common. In fact, I need to make a video exactly about this topic!!! Thanks :)
Brad Shore, LMFT [Ask A Shrink!] I’ve been working through the issues with anger for a few years in therapy but it has definitely come in layers. Just when I think I’m over something, other stuff comes to the surface. I believe the anger is a protective emotion that is guarding against the invasion/boundary violation from the parent. I have a therapy session tomorrow, so I’m sure I will bring this up. Thanks again, and Merry Christmas to you!
@@adamrocks19 Same is going with me right now, just when I think it's over, a new wave of memories arises.
Being physically present around them doesn't help eather.
same here w having a narc mother, but im 52
I feel the same way. I’m 39. My therapist suggested I start dating and just the idea of it is triggering.
Explains my life. Totally a victim on chronic level. Im not able to make authentic connections. I have friends I vibe with them but thats all temporary. No real connection. Please help me. I have been so depressed I get suicidal thoughts
Hi Pritesh, your symptoms are common for anyone who's a victim of some sort of emotional trauma. When anyone is having suicidal thoughts it's important to seek therapy a.s.a.p. to process the underlying issues----and/or call 911 if/when the symptoms seem overwhelming. There's much to be hopeful for when we begin understanding more clearly the "why" of our emotional pain, and have someone safe to talk to. If you live in the U.S. the National Suicide Prevention Hotline number is 1-800-273-8255. I wish you the best on your journey inward...
I wish I could find a Narcissism informed therapist. I’ve been invalidated by 2 and feel weak to try and put myself through any more invalidation. I get it every single day. I have a decent selection with insurance but the two I thought were most fitting, one with supposed specialization in abuse, I was very disappointed and even set back by.
I've been through the same as well. Dr. Ramani talks about this.
Ohhh yessss… I started going to Psychologist in college. I was always trying to find out what was wrong with me. So every psychologist I ever saw sat there listening and I never found out what was “wrong with me“. My mother refused to go to therapy with me. So for 40 years I went from Psychologist to Psychologist to Psychiatrist back to Psychologist… None of them had an inkling. When I finally started learning about narcissism I went to two more psychologists after having quit for a really long time, and I spoke of my issues and when I didn’t get the proper response I suggested that my mother was a narcissist and two psychologist completely dismissed me/my idea. When was an older woman who shut me down and the other was a young woman getting her doctorate at the University. Even though I had previously said to myself no more psychologists. After those two experiences I was certain I would never speak to one again. Facebook groups and UA-cam videos given me the understanding that I needed. But I’m 69 years old now. So it’s good to know but not much time to reverse anything
Lots of narcissistic women go into psychology and they aren’t going to be able to even conceive of the idea of a woman being able to victimize anybody because then they’d have to view themselves. They probably just wanted to get better at manipulation themselves and that’s why they went into the field.
Great video series. I am a victim of emotional incest and it all is very helpfull. Thanks
God bless you Brad. No one else has explained this issue so well. This video I can show to my partner. I'm sure this will help her to understand. Thank you.
That's great Jack, I hope it helps your partner......
@@BradShore it will help me more. Thanks again!
Me too.. thanks
Its crazy. This man is my first healthy relationship and he sees through everything and he opens his mouth. He supports me and understands me
Great video. But regarding the suggestion that the one parent who sees the other parent doing something wrong - > yes, I agree that it should be pointed out - but good luck convincing that other parent to change the behavior!!!
So Happy this came in my content,I find your information very comforting and intelligent,Talking really helps ,A therapist helps to put your thoughts in perspective ,I always say I'm a warrior because I Survived...
...
How do you 'assign' shame and guilt back towards your parents? For me the shame is probably the greatest affect, but getting the state of shame 'out' of my being seems so impossible, I feel like it's ingrained permanently.
Keep building the awareness of 'assigning' just as you are doing....you don't have to completely "get over it"---that is not necessarily the goal.....it's more about 'integrating' feelings (guilt) as opposed to ridding ourselves of them. Hope this helps....
Go and forgive yo momma. She couldn't help it. Forgive your father. He was traumatized, too. Be free.
@@aramisy.cajigas744 damn AMEN!!! No therapist needed… someone needs to pay you..🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻
Watch Jay Reid’s videos on shame. He sees it as a defense mechanism that kept you safe from lashing out at parents. Thinking of it in that way has eliminated shame for me.
Very true. Like that self hatred, the shame, the guilt, it’s just become such a part of me. I’m carrying it with me everywhere! Even I don’t know how to rid myself from it. I always feel unwanted, too much, shameful for taking up space or even breathing. That I don’t deserve to be treated well.
Thank you for making these videos. I discovered the concept of emotional incest a few years ago and the limited literature I have been able to find only includes examples that do not come anywhere close to the severity of my experience. I came across your videos tonight and it is interesting to hear from someone who is both a licensed therapist and a survivor of this type of abuse. Although I am sad to see so many in the comments have experienced covert/emotional incest, I am encouraged by your videos and feel that I am healing and dealing in a healthy way. Thank you for speaking out about this. You are helping people more than you likely know.
Your the coolest. I wish you could be my shrink because the ones i have come across are still working on their own things and can't be present
emotional stimulation that is perhaps enjoyed though disliked... and without consent. especially as a minor. is the same as people's involuntary mechanical physical responses to unwanted stimulation.
ergo: we were emotionally r*ped.
Yes i am dealing with my mom emotional incest. Thanks for your help. My name is Darcy 49 yrs old male
Being emotional neglected, and turning that around makes that a parent goes and smother the child.....and another generation with an emotional trauma will arise ...(what was never learned by the parents you cannot pass on...if there’s not an ‘awakening’).
very true----it's easy for the cycle to continue over generations....
It really is the mirror opposite of neglect! 🤯 That explains so so much 😔
Thank you Brad Shore!!! You are such a huge help!! Stay safe and well! 😍🥰❤️
Thanks Diane!
This channel is amazing, so amazing 😩
📖📖Leviticus 18: 4--9 "Ye shall do my judgements, and keep mine ordinances, to walk therein: I am the Lord your God...None of you shall approach to any that is near of kin to him, to uncover their nakedness: I am the Lord."
you kind of saved my life! 🙏
Fantastic!
Great video. Can we say that narcissistic abuse is emotional incest? How to differentiate? Or what is the connection between the two? Kind regards from Belgium.
this video is great!! I've put distance between my narcissistic mom and myself.
You are a life saver, thank you so so so much for those videos! I just found your channel and I'm binge watching your videos like a crazy person.
this has helped me so much. thank you!!
Glad it helped Kaylin!
So glad I have come across your channel today. Thank you ❤
Thank you for this. I needed it so much.❤❤❤❤
Glad it was helpful!
Is it possible that people who have gone through emotional incest lean more towards healing/service-oriented careers?
My question was answered at the end of the video lol
It's so beautifully said, so glad someone know all from a-z and I'm not nuts, so good tips, you are so right about therapy, all I'm missing now is a person w positive feedback, I get so sick when ppl are negative like in second like all good leaves me..... But I'm so glad is over I can love me and let me be me.....
Thank you!💌
You are so welcome
Thank you so much!! This helped so much!!
Glad it helped!
You do such a good job ofdescribing me and what happened.
Thanks...it's wonderful what you shared
Omg yeah I don't even like being perceived, I can't stand ANY embarrassment, and now I just realize why I hate parenting and I can work on that thanks you!
My "older" sister + her son mirrors this message.
Thanks for making this video. It’s very helpful.
Thank you so much for this! It's a glimmer of hope in a very dark place. I can't help but think, are there any of these videos we'd be able to share with our parents? Not sure if hearing it from someone else would make a difference.
Thank you for this video. You said father to son as emotional incest? How does this dynamic work exactly? Can you do a video to explain this topic? It would be greatly appreciated!
Anytime a parent is using one of their own children for emotional support of some type, this is considered to be emotional incest. So the dynamics would be very similar from a father to a son......for example, if a father is telling the son about all his adult problems, including the fact that he thinks his wife (the boys mother) is a "fat pig who who is terrible in the bedroom", than this would is thwarting the emotional/identity development of his son. Hope this helps, and thanks for watching.
Thank you Dr!
Thank you, just what I need to apply in my life.
Amazing video! Thanks a lot 👍🏻
Glad you liked it!
Thank you so much.
Ken Adams has workshops that help men to stand up for themselves and stop the enmeshment with their mothers so that they can have a good relationship with their spouses. But I have to admit that in my ex's case, I don't think his mother would have allowed the change to occur. However, it would have been the best thing for my ex to know that he had stood up to the person who had victimized him for so many years. It would have given him a feeling of self-power.
Thank you for this... excellent!
Thank you so much for speaking about this
THE ONE THING THEY CANNOT STAND IS EXPOSURE!
I'm DONE Running on Mom's Hampster Wheel!....She changes her mind like she changes her clothes!
I Spent an ENTIRE DAY CLEANING THE BASEMENT...TO USE THE COUNTER, BECAUSE SHE TOLD ME IF I WANTED TO USE MY JUICER I HAD TO DO IT DOWNSTAIRS. (SORRY ABOUT ALL CAPS) MY HANDS HURT. She Came Down Stairs & THREW A FIT! Are You UNPACKING!???....."You TOLD ME TO ORGANIZE THIS! TO USE THE COUNTER!" She just got PISSED & Stormed Upstairs!...WHAT DID SHE EXPECT!????
@@listen2yourheart882So sorry
Love your video.
thank you 🌻
You’re welcome 😊
Excuse me sir do you have resources about breaking this system for a mom and child (son)?
These advices (going no contact, processing the trauma, taking care of themselves, etc)
- are putting expectations on victims
- are confirming the trauma, are telling people that they're victims.
So the person's been abused and we're telling people to 'move on'? Taking control and reclaim your life while being a victim?
Also, how's going no contact and strong boundaries work together?
Thank you
Finally found out at 61
Whenever you wake is your morning...Dont sleep in too long
RECOMMENDATION REQUEST:
My wife experienced this from childhood well into adulthood and she is now working on it. We speak English and live in Japan. Do you have recommendations for a therapist, able to do video or phone sessions, on this subject, being presented in this video?
That was impacted
Everything you are saying is true of my spouse. But with my spouse he will never admit to it. He will call you an idiot and say what you are saying is rubbish. My spouse is a complete lost case.
I feel disconnected from my family cuz we were & are. Abusive & neglectful narc mom enabling yet I loving dad yet also both of them picked a child. I'm only realizing what I thought was love, bonding, and my dad picking me due to us being naturally closer had at least some elements of emotional incest not all of it yet some of it I did also need to perform for him or else in my mind I'd loose the only person who was connecting and loving me it may not have been true yet I didn't know that. The whole family had to pretend to get affection in return and some members did so more successfully with other members like me & my dad yet me and my mom I could never pretend enough for her same for my sister who only showed that aspect of herself late in life turns out she was pretending to like me all my life yet hated me inside. There is no connection just performance even now with the nephews and I'm not sure how I feel about this beyond shocked & wondering now what.
How do adults overcome helicopter parenting?
what if the spouse won’t put boundaries up with their parent
I wish I could just explain every little detail as to why this wouldn’t help my situation but it’d be the length of a a Hobbit novel
But to try and sum it up - I still love with my parent. I’m 20 and just wanted to stay home til I finish college so I don’t need to pay bills while I’m working
But uhhh I found this out and everything just CLICKED (I watched your other videos on this) and done more research… EVERYTHING just made since and there’s literally no escape until I’m out of college.
I literally cannot have a voice even if I wanted to just trust me on that one.
CAN NEVER get away for her doing this to me (until I move out) - today she literally sat in my room watching me do my homework for 2 hours (I NEVER HAVE ANY PERSONAL SPACE)
And somehow if I try to turn the guilt back on her it still ends up on me because “she is the mom” and “I am the child” IM 20 YEARS OLD
My sibling is supporting my abuser😢
Same here I guess thats what we call flying monkey it makes it difficult not to say impossible to speak, to me..
How do you recognize which parent was abusive and which one was the abused?
Your pain was needed so you could help all of us…. It’s short make it FUN!!!!
What if the adult that was a victim of this abuse projects the shame and anger onto his or her spouse? What if the adult who was a victim of such abuse insists on raising his or her child the way he or she was raised even though the spouse is fighting tooth and nail to do the opposite because the spouse sees the damage but the adult who was abused as a child has normalized it and is determined to validate it?
Hey Brad, can this not happen to every sibling of the same sexe, if the parent is a narcissist? I think in my family it happened also/especially to the unloved children. Thanks.
Generally it's one chosen child, however this syndrome is not "black-and-white" so there can be variations, including what you're describing. The main point is that it's an adult placing the emotional role of husband or wife ONTO a child (or children). Hope this helps.....
@@BradShore Thanks, yes, my father has seen us all (!) as partners/“objects“. He wanted us all to admire him, it did not work very well with me, so I became the scapegoat.