Daughter Detox: Recovering from An Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life
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- Опубліковано 24 лип 2019
- Daughter Detox offers the daughters of unloving mothers vital information, guidance, and real strategies for healing from childhood experiences, and building genuine self-esteem
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I’ve heard my mom tell someone in front of me when I was little that she regret having me when I was a baby everyday and if she could go back In time she would’ve never had me. My mom never told me she loved me, never hugged me as a child, never said anything encouraging to me. When I would cry she would make me feel stupid for crying or the reason for why I was crying. I’m 34 suffer from depression and anxiety tremendously. Didn’t realized all of the hurt from lack of emotion were repressed. I’m torn and just realizing my mom don’t love me and she didn’t want me.
As I read this, my heart breaks for the child who heard your mother say those things. Mine never said it, but I feel like that's what she didn't say. No hugs, kisses, kind words, or even simple loving conversation. The blank face was her trademark, as I stood before her for what seemed like agonizing minutes waiting for her acknowledgment. "Get out of my face" and "Go play" were go-to comments. I can't recall a single moment of one on one conversation, only scolding before a harsh whipping--or the threat of a whipping she "owed me." (I am almost 62.) But I just want you to know, Cocoa Nichelle, that you are awesome just because you are--even without your mother's love. Walk into your healing. Be phenomenal, woman!
Jay Mac thank you so much♥️
The only thing I don't agree with in this is why. The why is very simple, your mother was also damaged as a child. It's not a scapegoat, it's a recognition that helps you to realize it wasn't personal to you. You aren't the reason she couldn't love you the way tou needed. When you realize that it takes away the feeling of inadequacy and shame. Unfortunately, the shame is hers because she did not get the chance to love the beautiful person you are. You will know when you are truly healed when you find a place of forgiveness even for her. Not that you have to be a part of her life if she is still completely lost and toxic, the forgiveness is for you to move on understanding that you never needed her love to be a beautiful person and that she was doomed to her reality long before you were born and therefore the hope she will somehow become conscious of her mistake is not needed. Good luck, I hope you have begun your healing.
My mother would telling me that all the time. She use to make me stay in my room all day as a kid, so she could pretend that I didn’t exist. She said the worse thing she ever did was to become a mother. She abandoned me for 3 years because she didn’t want me. My grandfather made her take me back. She never once came to visit me in 3 years, birthday, Christmas, etc. Having sex with random men was more important then me. I’m avoidant because I was isolated for so long. My mother did tell me she loved me and hugged me but only to look good in front of ppl or to use me. I too was extremely depressed and suicidal. You are not alone in this struggle. Learn how to love yourself, pamper yourself because you are beautiful and your mother, like mine, was too stupid to see it. Your mother didn’t said she loved you. Well, I love you for surviving, posting your story and because I know that pain where the love should be. Don’t let her steal the rest of your life, she wins if you do. You are beautiful and more than good enough. 😘😘😘😘
I'm hoping you're doing better and that the depression has lifted. It's not your fault that your mom didn't love you. You were an innocent child.
Definitely ordering this book. It took a while to realize how much my mom affected me, and that my mom simply wasn’t ready to be a mom (she had me at 19, and my brother at 16). I don’t recall any “I love you’s” or hugs. She’d miss my graduations. She said to me that she wished she had an abortion. She would take or bully me out of any money given to me by dad and would also spend all the of child support or herself. She’d accusing me of lying and stealing although I never did. Called me a bitch, smack me in my face. I remember getting beat with the metal part of a belt until my arm swole. She’d tell me to go to my room for days by myself and I always the skinniest kid in class because we didn’t have groceries. It clicked when I became a mother and couldn’t imagine not loving my daughter and knew something was very wrong with my mom. Thank you Peg.
I empathize with you. Unfortunatly you were born into the world living with the worst kind of human. But I’m glad your recovering
So glad you were able to break the cycle and pour your love into your own daughter. I was emotionally abandoned and verbally abused by a very cold and distant mother who made me feel unlovable and like I couldn’t do anything right, but I poured all of my love into my own 2 children. I thought the same as you, I couldn’t imagine not loving them. My therapist said it is very rare to have broken the cycle and I should be very proud that I (unknowingly) did, and you should be too.😊
This book helped me understand that having an unloving, narcissistic mother didn’t mean I had to accept the lies I had accepted & believed about myself. It was a profound moment when I began to “mother” & love myself…to love that little girl who felt responsible for & carried all the sins & disappointments of the woman who birthed me. I was not put on this earth to be her scapegoat.
Crying whilst listening to this..... as she describes what the baby does when it is essentially ignored emotionally.... I realised this is what has happened to me and continues to happen. When my son ''sees'' my emotions - I burst into tears, in shock. My mother NEVER ''sees'' me emotionally and it is SO PAINFUL. i'm 41. I think my son will heal me but worry he could become parentified. As dear Carlette states, you've just got to get off the merri-go-round. It's the ONLY way to heal.
Queen I got teary eyed too. I get you. Dint worry you will do what it takes for your son to be the best of you.
You think your son will heal you? You became a parent for the wrong reasons! It's not your child's job to provide you what you missed. You should look to other sources for that love, ie. An aunt, grandmother, father, etc.
@@JasonGafar I actually got pregnant after being told that I was COMPLETELY infertile including IVF. He was a complete accident. It is a coincidence that my son has healed me and a lovely one at that, but I don't parentify him. It's just been incidental 🙏
I’m currently 41 as of yesterday and similar situation. Mine won’t call, or support. Idk what I am supposed to do. She showed up at my home in AZ with no communication with me whatsoever because my younger sister was at work, on my 41st birthday. She walked around acting busy and said “I need to wash” and before I knew it she was asleep on my sofa. She woke when my sister arrived and left with no interaction. I’m confused on how to handle this.
I'm glad to hear her say realization usually doesn't happen until late in life - and especially for those of us who existed before the internet with all it's info and resources like this! The bad part of that it is, if you're like me, you didn't have the family/children you wanted because you were didn't want to inflict the pain you felt on your children. Now all the dreams of my own family are dead and I'm alone. So yeah, I'm learning it wasn't my fault that my mother didn't love me and no amount of cowtowing to her and doing her bidding will gain me any love, but it's too late for me to have a life of my own. Is there anyone else out there like me?
Great questions though, Carlette, and thanks so much for posting this. For me, it's life saving.
Yes I am like you.
@@daisyjohnson5368 Wishing you (and all of us!) all the best.
Yes. I’m like you to
Could be headed there I'm 27 but my family still wants me he the career woman I never wanted to be and literally all the family friends and even my new therapist think I should wait longer to have kids. To be able to take care of myself better and my therapist said to get my mental health in order but I have already become way better. You're never going to be fully ready why wait longer at this age. If only my boyfriend of 6 years would agree then idc what everyone else says.
@@eminemilly You're so right that no one is ever fully ready to have children. Look at all the people (all of them?!?) who have children without having their "mental health in order".
Wonderful book! I came to acceptance at 38! Having my son was a big part of the process of acceptance, but it wasn't all of it.
Love Pegs work. it was the first opening for me in my mid fifties.ON POINT you need to add a disclaimer that Peg is not a psychologist which she says her self in the first 10 minutes.
Thankyou for this story. I hope the book can help me.
I have trouble because both my parents were unloving. My mother was disconnected, emotionally unavailable depressed and totally unaware. You are right in that it’s not till you go through life that you wonder what happened to you. I started observing good mothers in my 50’s and then I realised what I had missed growing up.
And I can hardly remember my childhood at all. I caught up with my best friend from high school and she remembered more than myself about my childhood. There was a ballet competition I vaguely remembered practising for. I knew it was important to me. My friend said because my mum didn’t take me to the competition she went with me by public transport. My friend also said do you remember I used to come over and do the dishes because my mother didn’t. I can’t remember these events. I can only assume because I was so neglected that my brain was effected.
At 18 years old I was kicked out of home because my parents had divorced and my mothers boyfriend didn’t like me so she asked me to leave. I didn’t take drugs or alcohol or do anything. My father had a girlfriend and so he didn’t want me either.
As for my father I always feared him because he was frightening and used to criticise and strap us. Make us pull down our pants at 10 years old and strap us. For some reason I’m the 2nd child out of 5. But I’m the only one that hasn’t had any children. I absolutely adored children. I babysitted most of my life
. I’ve only ever had toxic relationships with men.
No boyfriends when I was young. Then I married an emotionally abusive man at 31 and was married for 19 years
I’ve done so many types of therapy, tapping, body releasing, pyschologists but I think many practitioners have absolutely no idea if they haven’t experienced it for themselves. I don’t feel any warmth to my parents at all. I feel totally disconnected to them. I still see them to keep up appearances but there is zero love in my heart for them. I think it’s because I wasn’t given love then how can I possibly know what it feels like. I really want to meet a therapist who had a very similar experience to me and has fully recovered.
I hear you and I'm sending you a hug xx
Queen of the Butterflies Thankyou 🙏🏻
hey their take my love ... if possible send me text on mahi mahi ...its my fb account .. i have kinda similar story to share ...
Maliha Mahi Hi. There are a few Mahi Mahis on Fb. Which one are you?
@@anneis8319 mahi mahi ... the profile picture and cover pic do not show my face ...only the backside ...in the cover pic I m wearing a blue shari .... how can I describe it more specifically .... i study in bup/mist
As for therapy, I've never found one therapist that understands this or narcissistic mothers (as in my case). If only, I'd love to do the work with more help than just me and all these resources.
same here
Same. Therapist seem back in the dark ages still.
Therapists are unaware of their own trauma and don’t know how to work through their issues, but we go to them to heal ours- I think it’s a losing game. Unless you’re lucky enough to find someone that has done the inner work.
I know everyone says go to therapy, but unfortunately, it isn't always effective for many reasons. You may want to look into a therapist who specializes in complex trauma and consider attachment focused EMDR.
@@Karla-mu6hn The therapist I found who was trained in EMDR was one of the worst I saw. She spent most of the time talking about herself and I was the one who had to keep bringing it back to me and trying to get her to do EMDR. She did more damage to me at the end of a year then if I'd seen no one. UA-cam videos by those who had narc parents are more helpful than therapists.
I think part of the challenge is 'reclaiming your life'. If you had parents who did not demonstrate much of how to live life (divorced, both loners, didn't see them choose to interact with others in friendship, didn't see them pursue goals outside of being at home). In the start she talks about societal assumptions. It is often presumed that people esp as adults will go after their own life, developing their own life etc. But contrary to that assumption, some of us don't know and haven't seen the base skills at home of how to live life, and are instead, in that withdrawn state, not participating in something we don't know about/ wasn't demonstrated to us. And looking at others it's like people are working with some type of ballast, motivation or orientation you don't have. For example I don't have interest in socializing, I don't have goals & I don't have any motivation wiring or insight that tells me 'let me do this or that as it will improve develop or progress' my life.
So many parents don't realise that a child can feel wether they are loved or not, so they say there's no abuse but emotional abuse is abuse.
As I read the book I had to reread many paragraphs as my mind was blown. There really are lasting traits and patterns. So much makes sense to me now. My mother was clueless and disinterested in me. By 22 she had 3 of us, each 12 months apart. I was first and treated very differently. My brother remembers s lot of her behavior towards me. I am not an attached adult. I am thankful that I had a great father even though I guess it’s safe to say he did allow some behaviors. He rode the train to and fro making for a long day. The 60’s were a different time. She passed 3 months ago and I just found this book.
OMG I thought there was something wrong with me!
We had the 'Still face' - experiment in a workshop at work. My colleague was the unresponsive one. My reaction was: 'omg, stop that. You are scaring me. You look like my mother!'
this really helped me a lot . thanks
Very interesting. Its actually quite easy to repeat the cycle if you lack self accountability, healthy boundaries, and emotional availability BEFORE you have children.
My Narcississtic Mother thought she was breaking the cycle by becoming codependent and using a power dynamic with her children instead of being neglectful like grandma was to her. But the healthy way lies in the middle. The only time Mom worked on her trauma was when she was homeless for 3 months before getting engaged. They divorced, and mom has been in this "its everyone's fault but mine" phase, ever since. She felt neglected in every way possible and decided to cling to a man and her children to fill that void rather than looking within and developing healthy boundaries with people. Hence, that cycle continues now.
To this day im low contact with my Mom. She lacks accountability and and still struggles with codependency. She doesnt think emotional intelligence is as important as not being physically abusive. My Mother is emotionally unavailable and lacks boundaries to this day. As planets revolve around the Sun, she expects others to mold their lives to her liking.
As the eldest daughter, I got most of the residuals of my Mom's 'Mother Wound'. And to this day, she still behaves in a state of lack and victimization instead of owning her current behaviors to make sure she's in an optimal state for healthy relationships. She rants and throws tantrums about me drawing lines, because ive developed boundaries that were never there in my childhood. She puts on a theatrical performance when people ask about me and of course.....blames others for her own behavior.
Please continue exploring this subject deeper . This was a really great video. I needed it.
Excellent book. Made me cry , it helped me so so much.
Very helpful video thanks very much for posting.
Thank you sooooo much for watching
So correct, it is only recognized at 40-50 years
, is the only time you realize this !
This is heart breaking to listen to because Mothers do far worse things... Far. Worse.
I didn’t have children because I didn’t want to morph into my mother and unleash that trauma onto another mini human. I still don’t want children, the thought of messing up another person and continuing the cycle is terrifying. I used to fervently wish I could get amnesia and forget who I am without losing my intelligence or cognitive abilities so I could start fresh and forget my life as adopted child of authoritarian parents who couldn’t handle that their daughter had a much different personality than theirs. Accepting of difference is a concept that is utterly foreign to my mother.
oh wow.. I was rejected by a gay mother.. but she doted on my lil brother... it didddd take me to age umm 50? to just say.. ok I am done.. I wont be rejected again... then after about 10 yrs of no ----mother trying to kill me nightmares-- day before yesterday I get a letter in mail from her lawyer.. its nothing... but bam nightmares back... ( have had 0 contact with her for 40 yrs...) one indication she knows where I am.. probably slalking me ...and bam night terrors back ... would have been so much easier if she had just died... she is aging and just wants to look like she cares ... she doesnt... from age 19 to date I have never seen her,, no calls no cards.. I didnt even know where she was... still dont haaa.. ya I acccepted it but was a tough pill to manage... took me 30 yrs to just give up
Please translate to german !!!