Four years ago I was in shock and crying spells when I stumbled upon this video. Four years later I'm laughing at the silliness of my relationship with the covert narcissist. You can heal. My best wishes to you all.
True true, we dated for 4 and half years and it's a 1 and a half years later and I'm still on depression medication, just goes to show what a relationship with a narc can do to you. Most of the points of this video reflects her character especially the love for animals, but when the animals does something wrong or messes, then it's whole lota shouting and yeah very good with lies. Oh and the every morning bad mood, finding a way to start your day with an argument. But yeah I'm working on myself, can feel the workouts I'm doing have helped me alot, cos that's what I love doing, so yeah it takes time but I feel the healing taking place.
My ex would text to have a nice day and I'd reply with a "Appreciate that hun, it has been, wishing you the same" and BOOM! Opened myself up for accusations left and right as to why my day was going well and that I didn't think about her feelings. And of course she had to ghost me 4 days before my birthday (this month) and 20 days no contact.
@@margaretseverson71 - i feel for you bro. She is putting me through that now. I was the sap buying her things and giving her money. She dumped me for an unemployed loser. I bet she comes running back to me in a week.
If you're looking for answers and not knowing what's going on.. it's because you're part of the problem, and suffering from similar issues. A really healthy person would KNOW and deal with it, not need research to figure it out. The reason any of us need research to figure it out, is because of our own dysfunction, and dysregulation. We can't think and feel clearly in the situations. We're involved already in the entanglement, because we're trying to fulfill our needs in our dysfunctional way. We're not all evil.. but we are plagued by evil, however it manifests.
@@Frejborg Yes I agree with you and It relates to the word boundaries. If you weren't taught them growing up, witnessed good versions of clear boundaries, you have to learn them later and you fall prey to all kinds of shit treatment. I agree with you, it's definitely dysfucntional on the receiving end of abuse, but looking for help on line is ok, feels like a bit of help in the moment. But in the end hard work no doubt has to be done. Learning to leave can be hard enough, and then figure why you get into those relationships in the first place
The ‘pillar of the community’ type of narcissist is the worst, because they don’t treat everyone else the way they’ve treated you, so no one believes you when you tell them your side.
@Divine Retribution I had exactly the same, she ran a charity, so concerned about everyone's perception of her, but actually had not a drop of compassion or empathy for anyone or anything.
I dated someone who was very active in NA. He's admired and looked up to by so many..They don't know him like I did.. yet I'm the one looking like the crazy ex girlfriend
No one believes me about my ex covert. No one. Even my own family. He's good a good manipulator and liar a fooler. I'm the one who cheated and I'm pycho of course. Crazy. They tell everyone what they actually are. Projection.
True true true! Always helping others to inflate his nice guy inflated ego. Belongs to Rotary, ‘thinks’ he’s a ‘pillar of the community’. Everybody’s buddy! Huuuuuuge ego, bounces from one relationship to the other. Oh I could go on😂. Has zero class, materialistic and believes what you wear, drive and where you live, who you know IS what is important and therefore makes you better than everyone else. 😳
Thankfully he kept telling me I was crazy. I went to several drs trying to get them to "fix" me. After some time (probably a year) with one dr., he told me one word that changed my life.... gaslighting. That dr. saved my life.
Look out for the brain fog after an argument has ended - if you can barely remember what the argument was about LITERALLY minutes after it's finished, that's a huge red flag. It means they've run circles around your brain to the point where you didn't know what to focus on so much so that you've forgotten.
You won't work it out, your brain will shut it all out because I can bet it was pretty horrible, and you felt horrible afterwards. The brain will do a little self-clean to protect you. All I can say is that it's a big red flag and please pay attention to it when you think it's happening again. Whatever causes the argument, try to stay on topic of whatever it is (let's use an example of the washing up not getting done) and then if there's any attempts at deflection or bringing up old arguments, try to bring it back to the original point, don't engage with arguments long dead or attempts at side-lining the issue E.g "I just want you to have some initiative when it comes to housework, it feels as if you don't care about the house when you let these things pile up when I do it every day" "And you don't think I have things to deal with every day too that you don't help with?" "We can come to those after we come up with a solution to do with the washing up" "Here we go again, it's all about your problems, you don't want to spend a second thinking about the things I need to do!" "I would like us to tackle these things one at a time, and I would like us to start with the issue at hand here, which is the washing up" "It's not all about you and the washing up! There are other things, you think your needs are more important than mine!" "I would like to come to solutions one at a time. If you're not willing to focus on these things one at a time, then I'm not going to have this conversation with you" etc etc etc Just be aware when they're trying to do this - they use it as control as a way to get upset with you so they can blow up at you and then you will beg and cry and they get the reaction they want. Take the control back - as you can see above, you're not being unreasonable if you take this approach. Try to remain calm and if they start escalating, bug out of the conversation. Look up JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain - don't do any of these in the face of a narcissist because they'll use these things to wrap you up with. Good luck!
spookyruthy this just happened to me. I had to buy a tape recorder to trace arguments back to the origin- always me, NOT!!, go figure- and make lists and then literally pull them out to reproach the situation during the next scheduled drama, which probably did make me look crazy, but when I was able to sort it out with evidence, they no longer could make me believe their arguments were sound... just silence in response to my logical reasoning. Love it.
Charlie Fox ah fake crying is so creepy: It makes you feel like a monster when you’re unaware because you think, why is this human crying but I genuinely feel nothing for it. He literally grabbed my arm tightly in a fetal position and started sobbing to get me to feel for him. My being was so repulsed I felt horrible
That’s cray. When discarding the narc husband tells me sobbin that your the best wife ever but I am a lone wolf a gypsy, u need to let me go which I did despite being broken in half , he came back 14 months later saying how come u never called me? I don’t know why I did what I did but I want my wife back. He said am sorry I cheated but I don’t care about her just thought it would be cool to travel with a chick, it won’t happen again, 2 days later he says u liked a pic of ur ex in 2017? So ur an emotional cheat and I can’t trust u blocked me on instagram , put pics of him on insta having a beautiful valentines with someone who cares. He calls me a month later saying he will file for divorce I said as u wish , he says next day he wants to wait. Didn’t ask why. Then the virus happened so he can’t travel to meet his new supply in Cali. He sent me a msg asking me to look for a job when am quarantined as he doesn’t want me to apply for insurance, luckily for me my company retained us so I don’t have to depend on him. I let him know I’ll be fine, he sends me a msg let me know if u need anything I am here for you. Like wtf
Sançia Anderson They are emotional roller coasters! Our job is to cut that shit off. I realized (after 2 years) that the shit won’t end. There’s always something. However hurtful your situation is, grey-rock him and move on! Sooner is way better with these personalities
Summary point is they are weak, they are bullies. That's one good thing to hold on to while engaged with one...their inadequacy necessitates the manipulation, their inadequacy defines them. By definition, that makes you automatically stronger than they are.
shatteredsquare believe me some of us aren’t weak. Nobody’s inadequacies define them, I don’t go around saying “oh that woman has cancer, she is defined by that cancer” no, also some of us aren’t bullies, some of us just want to be left alone and not judged at all.
Covert narcissists do apologise in my experience, however not for their behaviour which they continue to deny, minimise and negate. They apologise for the way in which you have misinterpreted their behaviour. Their aim is to persuade you that they are being reasonable and culpable and you are overreacting. Next they will turn the tables, declare themself the victim of your attack and punish you using silence, freezing out and emotional witholding thus hurting you again.
Very true. My wife found her high school boyfriend online. Started a relationship with him. When I found out she told her family I am controlling with a temper.
Yes, I agree. They will apologies. Just to placate you. But they don't regret hurting you and really think you are making a fuss for no reason. They will apologize so they can move ahead with their plan on how to use you, especially in the early stages of relationship. EDIT: not that they think that you are making a fuss for no reason, but they will gaslight you here, pretending that you are the unreasonable one but secretly they are delighted that their put downs veiled as "jokes" are really working. They are not happy that you are not being a good sport staying still and letting them kick you in the stomach while you are down.
@P. Chretien Usually, as it was in my case, I didn't want to take put downs and name calling (verbal and psychological abuse) disguised as "jokes". Or should I say I did a few times until a pattern emerged. Most people don't want be seen as difficult and create conflict so they let it slide. I don't and confronted him about it. I got an apology (proper one) but he walked back on the whole thing later basically saying how I was exaggerating and he "didn't mean it that way". And this what a lot of people don't understand is that intention is irrelevant. I try to use an allergy analogy to try to make my point. For example, seafood is delicious and some people love seafood. But some people are allergic and it can kill them so you don't feed those people seafood...Anyways, I should listen to my own advice. And my gut feeling. In this particular case I did not and just ended up more hurt because he discovered more things about me he used as ammunition. A lot of them "jokingly" and through "humour".
I was angry with myself for years for marrying someone like that. But I had to forgive myself for it and do something about it. I built my courage back up and got myself together. And got rid of him. I'm surrounded by an awesome circle of supporters now. Forgiving yourself and believing you are worth good and valuable is key.
This is all spot on. The covert who abused me was a "pillar of the community." He loved being seen as the "white knight." Guess what he did behind closed doors? He complained incessantly about the very same people he was helping and had zero empathy for them. It was SO STRANGE. He even complained about his closest "friends." I never have seen someone so negative in my life. I had to go to a psychologist to deal with this because I had no idea what was happening because it was so CONFUSING. He constantly told sob stories, was very down to earth, and would even cry. He appeared very caring and was extremely adept at the love bombing stage. Later, I started seeing very bizarre behaviors emerge that I could no longer ignore. You never knew who you were going to deal with from day to day. On the bad days, he was extremely arrogant, dismissive, abusive and would use the silent treatment. It is like dealing with someone with two personalities. One day, he completely lost it on me over something extremely minor and that was it. I could not take it anymore. I have never seen an adult man behave that way in my life. He had a complete meltdown/rage event and I was done. Run. Do not walk. Do not let them back in. They are skilled manipulators and they do not care if they hurt you.
They are devils, I think. In five years, he was giving mini deaths to my heart. I never understood that every interaction with them is a lie and constantly manipulating. They enjoy it I feel. They like to play with people’s heart and mind. It boosts their ego and self esteem.
Or slowly kill you. The stress created by these sick people can be immensely dangerous and harmful. Value your own life and forget about serving and pleasing theirs.
When I was with a covert narc I felt incredibly guilty like ALL the time. Yes, they use guilt big time so they can put their emotional baggage onto you.
What are you talking about? You used to be a narcissist? We are all told over and over that it is near impossible to heal from this. What trauma caused your issue? What do you think healed you? Are you saying there is hope?
+Furbyem, agree! Hang up the phone a thousand times on me, doors slamming, I was thrown a remote control (and other objects at hand), months of cold shoulder and many other things. Worse was leaving to other state with my kids after I left, that sucked.
After a serious medical crisis that my mother had, she wasn't taking care of herself. During the course of a discussion about her health and independence, I told her that if she got sick again, my husband and I would not be able to care for her in her home again because it was intolerable for us to have daily contact with my brother. I went on to say that she would always be welcome in our home if she needed us. She literally went nuts. She demanded that I take her home, which I did. She got out and slammed the car door. And, the next time I saw her, I noticed that a Brahmin purse I had gifted to her had white stains all over it. I think she poured bleach on it. I attempted to talk to her rationally about things and she ordered me out of her house and threatened to call the police...all because, for the first time in my 53 years of living, I had the audacity to set a boundary. These people are nuts.
The Jekyll and Hyde effect is truly terrifying. When they get their way they can be like a bouncy, happy toddler. When told no or called out on their bad behavior or something else happens to upset them.....they turn into what I've come to call "the monster." Their rage is terrifying, they start screaming and ranting and raving, they spew poison, they say horrible things to you about yourself. Then the second they get what they want, they immediately wink back into the happy toddler. And they seem to remember nothing they said or did when they were "the monster" like it's disassociative split personality disorder or something. They can't even figure out why you're depressed or mad at them, even if the incident only happened a few hours ago. It only gets worse when drugs get involved. I think my Dad used them to "chain the monster" so to speak, but any drug is expensive, and when he couldn't dredge up the money to keep himself supplied....whoo boy, look out. I blame a lot of the deprivation and poverty of my childhood on his constant need to pour money into the drug fund to pacify the monster. I think he often put it above things we needed, like money for food, bills, and clothes. The rest of the family also got aggravated with the fact that he way borrowed from them all the time. And yet they complained only to me about it while never confronting him, and even seemed to blame me for it. "If you weren't here, we wouldn't have to give him all this money." Even if they don't say this directly (and sometimes they came very close to that), as a child you can just sort of sense it. I have a lot of issues with shame and self deprivation because of this, not to mention anxiety and depression. I wish people would get their emotional shit worked out before they try to take on the role of parent. And not have kids for ulterior motives. For my Dad, agreeing to have a child with her was the only way he could glom onto my mom, who he'd been unsuccessfully chasing for years. Then it turned out he was the only man left hanging around when she wanted to have a child, and she got stuck with him. I think she always resented that. As for my mom's reasons, I think she was just one of those women who reaches middle age without accomplishing much, and thinks having a baby will wash away all her failed hopes and lack of direction in life. Neither are good reasons for having a child. I'll never find out what kind of parent she would have made, because she died of sudden health complications while I was still in the womb, and the doctors barely saved me. That left my dad in the position of single parent, one he was woefully unprepared for on an emotional level. I guess I could have gotten stuck with worse. At least he was sort of okay when he wasn't hulking out. Sorry for rambling, I just felt the need for a detailed example.
We are totally products of our childhood experience. Our society has some really f'd up priorities. I mean, we need a license to go fishing for God's sake. But, anybody is free to procreate at will. Some people just aren't cut out to be parents.
covert narcissist will apologize but it will be a hollow one.......they will guilt trip you twenty or two hundred times a day......your empathy and compassion is their strength....they are manipulative and self centered and will lie to your face while maintaining a morally superior to you facade. extreme passive aggression is their forte. they will keep trying to get your attention..... again and again and again.
This is hard to hear about my empathy and compassion being their strength, but it's true because I've been used by my ex for him to gain his self-esteem, and then I was dropped. However, he still contacts me because he knows I'm a nice person and it helps boost him when his life isn't going so great. When he gets narcissistic supply from others and accomplishes his goals, I'm no where in his thoughts. He's very much a covert narcissist and also a borderline who was meek and always the victim until he'd fly off the handle in some way or exhibit some form of control over me daily. It just took a long time to come to terms with his overt ways because he was more often covert and manipulative/gaslighting about things. The longer time that happens, it takes more time to heal, and I'm still not healed from the abuse. I suppose one reason is that he isn't changing at all, and it's hard to be the only one who sees it, but that's the disorder for you. I just have to move on from him.
It took me until I was 52 years of age to realize wtf I’ve been dealing with for 24 years. I married a covert narcissist at 26, a single mom, vulnerable and swept off my feet. Years later, once I finished school, established a career and became more independent and confident, the mocking, belittling and complete emotional detachment and silent treatment began. I put up with it thinking it’s my fault and rationalizing..thinking at least he didn’t beat me or cheat on me or go to the bars..he was still a good man, just depressed. I ignored the exhausting gaslighting and his entitlement and was in such a state of depression for the last 3 years. I lost myself and had nothing left to give. Then he turned mean and full of contempt and angry over the smallest things. I finally left him and everything I owned and help build over these last 25 years in March. We were simply polite roommates at best, and couldn’t even have a conversation. After I served him divorce papers, he flipped out, made himself into a victim and has a new , younger woman already moved in. When I left, I was an anxious train wreck. I have a lot of recovery to do but now I have stopped blaming myself and understand wtf I’ve been dealing with. He’s a phony and everyone thinks he’s the nicest guy..always helping a neighbor, but it was for applause. He’s a racist and a miserable human being. Good riddance.
30 years for me, ridiculed and belittled, last 5 years, if not trashing on me, it's been the silent treatment, and that's what finally drove me to snap. My story is so similar to yours it's crazy! Thought he was 'depressed' but now I honestly it's the strangest case of depression I've ever seen. Finally left 6 weeks ago, right after I found out the truth; he's a covert/vulnerable/passive aggressive narcissist!! Thanks for giving me hope!!!
This is guilt trapping. And I experienced it myself with my ex. Same narrative 'he, the depressive little shy and droll man'. Who dares to argue with a depressive person? Who dares to enforce his own needs towards such a person? Who dares to seperate from a person in this obvious miserable state? This is the ultimative manipulation. We were trapped! I suffered from PTSD because of being abused and feeling sorry for him at the same time. This drives people crazy. It's a totally surreal situation. He also used the silent treatment strategy to control me. He lied, devalued and belittled me, my friends and my family. He acted out like a total lunatic, a pure antisocial in order to implement a maximum distance. He ran away several times, I never knew if we are still together or not. He was moody, passive-aggressive and grumpy all the time!! It sucked all my energy, especially living in this constant cognitive dissonance. Felt so wrong, everything felt just so wrong. Glad that you both also got out there. How is recovery going after so many years?
@@alicewonderland8027 well it's been interesting! Will be 2 years divorced in March 2022. He's moved hone with his mother and took the new supply. Remarried. I bought a dog and a house and 10 acres. I keep very busy in Alaska..kids and grandkids. Took up old hobbies I left behind when I married life guitar and horses. I'm finally finding me again. I still cry when I think about it..it's raw. I feel like I wasted half my life and I'm angry but much better than I was in March of 2020. Dating not for me. I have some serious trust issues.
@@BC-dm5bi It's good to hear that you find your back to yourself. I fully understand that you have trust issues, I avoid dating as well. Even if it's tempting, don't think you wasted half of your life. If you finally find yourself and live in peace for the rest of your life it was worth it! Look what you already achieved within this toxic relationship, you finished school. Maybe you want to study in the future or learn something new!? Now you can invest your whole energy in you. I myself went to therapy and began the first time of my life to learn what are or could be my bounderies. I blocked some other narcissistic or at least selfish people in my sphere, because now I see it all cristal clear. I quit smoking after the separation because of avoiding any kind of addiction (his hot-cold-behavior made me addictive, so I learn how to control myself right now). Maybe we should say to ourselves "no gain without pain".
I think I've become a narc. Can a person start to take on the narcissists behaviors. I knew I was in trouble when I said "you know you never say you're sorry " his answer was, I will when ever I'm wrong and I'm never wrong.
Yep. Lot of holding grudges. Something will happen and they'll say it's perfectly fine and doesn't bother them in the least, only to bring it up months later as an example of how terrible you are or how you never cared at all.
Sansuwellness i couldn’t believe that someone could treat people the way my female covert narcissist treat me! It left me with no closure and deep feelings of guilt and shame at allowing myself to be manipulated so easily and this made me go about trying to get some revenge by exposing her to people she knew. Do you think I can expect some comeback?
Or they will say s#it like, "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I guess it's too much to ask that you trust me the way I trust you." Never accepting responsibility for what they've done that's brought you to tears, and when you're struggling to find a way to get them to act like a person and show remorse for whatever awful thing they've done, they have a scary way of watching you break down whilst remaining totally dead behind the eyes and completely unfazed that you're heart is breaking because of something they did to you. The COMPLETE LACK of empathy and remorse is something I physically can't comprehend as how that's even possible. That's some Twilight Zone bulls#it or something evil right there. Like FOR REAL!
Yup yup my boss is a total narcissist. He is constantly saying "I'm sorry you feel that way". I work like 60 hours a week and don't get me wrong I get paid well but he works about 37 hours a week. When we are at work I have 10x the responsibility he has and work 100x harder than he does. Perfect example is today. I just worked 16 days straight this is physical and mental work not some office job typing emails and filling in spreadsheets all day. The amount of work I have is ridiculous while he spends half his time browsing the internet and never lifting a finger to help anybody. So I got to work at 6am today and was balls to the wall right off the bat and he came strolling in at 8:45 and sat at his desk for 2 hours staring at his PC like a worthless slug. Now I am also dealing with a monster toothache the last few days so I was in a pissy mood and decided I'm gonna take a half day today. He finally came strolling into the warehouse to talk to me and I was mildly complaining about the ten thousand things I've had to get done the last 2 weeks while pretty bluntly hinting at him to give me a hand instead of doing nothing. He kind of rolled his eyes and says those magic words "I'm sorry you feel that way". What that means to me is the mountain of work I have or the 20 hours overtime a week isnt the problem. The problem is that I'm complaining about it lol. He is such a narcissistic douchebag. The thing is I have him by the balls. I remind him all the time that the company we work for is worldwide with like 8,000 employees and he is just a drop in the bucket like the rest of us. He seems to think that he owns the company and says things like "what am I paying that person for"? Or "I'm helping that person out by letting them use their vacation time". I dont hold back and respond with "you aren't paying them shit dude, you dont sign their checks nor do you have any say about their pay" or "it is THEIR vacation time given to them by the company NOT YOU, so it isnt up to you to tell people if they are allowed to use THEIR vacation time". I've called him the vacation nazi more than once. I'll say "do you think you have everyone's vacation time in a Mason jar behind your desk and they can only have it if you let them?" Its not yours to give buddy, people aren't asking permission they are simply telling you when they are taking a vacation time and it's not even up to you to let them have it or not....freaking idiot. I can talk shit to him because he is so scared that if I quit or got fired all my responsibility will be on him and he knows he cant do what I do. Now I'm pretty tight with his boss and his bosses boss but he tries to convince them I have a "temper problem". Basically if you ever disagree with him you have a "temper" problem which i consider a narcissistic trait. He is all about keeping his cool after pissing someone off and then if they get fired up he thinks that proves they are in the wrong and he in the right. The example i use (and I tell this to everyone so they are not trapped by his bullshit) is: You are walking down the street and he is walking towards you. There is a police officer standing nearby. As you pass eachother my boss says "your mother is a whore". You stop and say with a raised voice "what the fuck did you say about my mother?". Then he says in a calm voice "what? All I said was your mother is a whore". You start yelling at him the police officer comes over to see what the problem is. Boss man be like "look how mad he is and how loud he is talking while I'm calm and collective so obviously I'm not the problem". You see to me that is full blown narcissism. I'm not joking in the slightest. He will say things that can send you in a whirlwind of anger but he honestly thinks if he doesnt yell or get visibly angry that what he said or did isnt the problem its YOU taking offense to it that's the issue. Total douchebagery. The good thing is once he figures out that you are smarter than him and he realizes that he cant manipulate you or you call him out on it every time he will leave you alone. So whenever a new employer starts if give them the full skinny on the boss and hope they have the sack to stand up for themselves.
Yes. Mine would use word salad when I called him out on his behaviour. I was careful to say things like...when you do this I feel that. His response became...well you are responsible for your feelings...or I would say 'it looks to me like you are....' and he would say dont tell me what Im feeling/thinking...he would NEVER address the terrible behaviour, he would create a distraction over my grammar or unimportant details.
When your gut feeling tells you something is wrong but you don't know what it is.....Number one red flag!......Stunted emotional developement...they behave like 2 yr olds..red flag number 2.! Circular arguing....you argue and come back around to the beginning with no understanding of what your arguing about...red flag number 3! When your always asked or encouraged to reveal your inner secrets...red flag number 4! When day to day life revolves around them with lots of drama...red flag number 5! When your being accused of something that you have not done ie; adultery they are projecting their own guilt onto you...red flag number 6!
Pugeonlvbrd WOW! What a telling comment. This goes so deep it spins my head. Thank you for your service to humankind. I pray you have the comforter and peace that passes all understanding.
Me too! Wasted ten whole years till my health almost collapsed. Only then I had to make a decision to live or to die. I am here, 15 years later and getting my life back.
I am new to the non-profit world and am realizing this quickly. Other places I have worked that have had high levels of narcissism: school/universities and social services
A real danger is to obsess on learning what's happened to you and researching everything about narcissistic abuse. OK figure it out then let it go and move on. Becoming an amateur psychologist is keeping you connected to your abuser. Laugh, have fun, go for your dreams, make your life an exciting adventure. Your happiness is your victory...
I know a shy narcissist who does apologize, but the apologies are done in a vague, sad puppy, "please don't be mad at me" kind of way. They go something like this: "I'm sorry for whatever it is I did to make you mad. I don't know what it is but I apologize anyway." The "apologies" are meant more to feel out whether the other person is angry and to put on a display of submission to elicit pity and to make the other person stop confronting him about his behavior, or at least that's what my gut says.
I have an ex that did that to me, too. I'm sorry I'm sorry I don't think I did anything wrong but I am sorry anyway, I'm sorry for whatever I did. He might be a covert narcissist. Not an extreme case but some really strong tendencies that way. Everything wrong was somebody else's fault. He was miserable All. The. Time. No matter what!
This content is helpful for people with narcissistic tendencies too. I learned a LOT of really toxic behaviors from one of my parents, and it really helps to examine it so I don't end up unintentionally repeating the same toxic behaviors.
Hiya! It's so lovely to read this as it shows how strong and ethical you are and committed to your own spiritual growth 💕 may God continue to make it easy for you
i've made selfish mistakes in my life and felt like i acted in narcissistic or unreasonable ways when i was younger. it was at a time when i was around less than great people, and had reason to believe that i was being lied to, and felt manipulated by them. and it's no excuse. i hate myself for making these mistakes. but then life gave me karma through a shitty, narcissistic, and likely sociopathic roommate. the one thing i realized is this: he likely learned it and picked it up from bad family and bad friends growing up. (or at least thats how his stories make it seem.) when you're around bad people, it'll change you and make you think that *you* should be like that. it's a disease.
The narcs i know that match that are all overt. My covert ex feels entitled to run the world, but wants no attention. Overts you see in public office, the media, policing, for a reason; they are respect and glory seeking attention whores.
I think why the therapists are fooled by the narcissists is because when they come in, even as a couple, the therapists sees a happy cheerful narcissist and their partner just being down, head down, looking down, looking exhausted, and they go ah, there's the problem. They're depressed, they're this, they're that. Mega manipulators these narcissists are. They'll run you down into the grave with the stress they put on your shoulders.
I agree! For over 20 years my ex and I went to therapists and psychologists and this is “exactly” what happened to me. Only in my own therapy after all those years was I able to figure this out. Rant you are so right!
Therapists often become enablers and victim abusers. Who is going to present as happy...the spider or the fly??! Stupid therapist! If you can't do any good, at least do no harm.
The twenty signs, with timings, and the "signs" described. 3:35 The SHY Narcissist is self entitled, "rights", stressed, ... 1 3:58 Any suspicion of narcissism 2 9:10 Not a typical narcissist 3 11:10 Anxious, fretful, sobbing 4 13:42 Sneaky grandiose fantasies 5 14:31 Know that projected image is false 6 17:18 Arrogant, no apologies 7 18:12 Not confident, self-pity, isolation 8 18:20 Projected as "rescuer", good person 9 20:10 Guilt tripping 10 22:08 Extremely self centred, poor ego boundaries 11 24:01 Hypersensitive to criticism 12 25:33 Victim mentality 13 26:48 Project securities, defects onto partner , inverted narcissism 14 29:29 Perfect childhood claimed 15 30:01 Ostensibly shy humble, rage, bitter, 16 32:42 Generally dysfunctional 17 34:16 Tendency to depression, pessimistic 18 34:55 Feels under appreciated 19 36:56 Tell lies; much shame; not admit fault 20 40:14 Target of narcissist is craziness The "signs" above describe resemble the psychology of over-schooled persons. Helicopter parenting prevents the development of peer-to-peer social skills. In my East Asian heritage, it is called "TIGER PARENTING". Over-supervision, lack of self-learning and lack spontaneous peer negotiation creates these SHY NARCISSISTS, in my opinion.
Good, but what about strategies to deal with them? I saw one where you tell them they're entitled to their different opinion. Completely shocked to get an apology message from them after that - which never happens (though they still went on some rage later in evening). So there are strategies to deal with them. Any ideas or literature?
@@defiverr4697 yes, me too. Tbh tho.after uncovering yet another person close to me that was a covert narcissist. I kinda lost touch with myself and thought"hey maybe its me"? That's the effect these "people" andi use that term loosely,can have upon a person dealing with them. All the best!
Agreed OP Tiger parenting and the issues that create it. Thank you for putting this into the videos context. I wonder, often, if we all just tossed everyone we thought was a nars, how many people would be left to date in the planet. This is a cultural issue. We are breeding this things as a society. And therefore someone somewhere needs to heal or fight thru it. I think. I’ll, I think there’s a huge difference between overt ones who do it on freaking purpose verses these guys who r broken inside. So broken.
I agree with this. They are the best teachers of self-love out there. If they don't break us entirely in the meantime. They are very cruel teachers, but teachers nonetheless.
@@powerhouse2024 in a way who has the responsibility here. Like you say, they do you a favour in the end. I hate to admit but I grew out of my experience with a so called narc and I feel better for it and have to say, he was only being himself. True to his nature. As was I. We were both culpable and innocent at the same time. Its a learning experience as you say
As you said: when these narcissists think that they are entitled and superior but at the same time feel inferior it's their conscience reminding them that they are lying to themselves
The covert narcissist is so evil that they can be "interesting" in their own twisted way. You can become mesmerised by their awkward and manipulating stunts. RUN!
My husband always calls me crazy when i would call him out on the evidence of bs. He would gaslight and twist my words,even mix parts of information i found on him, and twist what i said to confuse me,throw me off and ultimately discredit me and deflect the guilt.
Wife does this a lot over the most mundane bland simple things extrapolating weird ideas in indirect ways in 10 directions in 3 minutes expecting me to know all answers and answer their way or I'm etc etc etc. I respond back with screen shots of past chats and use 🤷🏻🤔👆😘🙃🥴🤦🏻♂️ emojies. It confuses her and makes it hard to deny things or reflect anymore because she feels flat dumb. Narcs do gas out. They need sleep and food.
Five feet, two inches, that's how tall she is. I am 5'8 and have been boxer and brawler all my life. And after three years of being in relationship with her, I was the one twitching even at the slightest contact of someone. Anxiety that I felt was enthralling, my internal danger radar was turned upside down. I was scared all the time, and the only thing that even slightly soothed me was her calm voice and how everything's ganna be all right. I didn't realize I was just another piggy, being ready to be slaughtered, until I just snapped after finding out her hideous truths. Even after I showed how fucked up her lies were, she still lied, and since my brain was fractured, I believed her, but I knew it was wrong, and despite all my head splitting aches, I kept on pushing for truth. Until she blocked me and left. Three weeks later she returned saying that she misses me and can't live without me. I asked her if that's the truth then why did she cheat, why did she betray, and why did she abandon me? She said she didn't, and then said that some day she would want to come back to me and shack up with me. I told her, why some day? Why not now? And she said it's because she is not the right person for me right now. I told her to leave and never come back and blocked her and made sure she knew that i knew what she was. All the memories of her are haunting me, I break down twice a day wondering how can she actually be so malign and fucked up. She used to make sure that I knew that I was replaceable, while she was my entire world. My world is of course broken while she is with someone else. But i don't care anymore. I am all alone, but it's okay, i am better being alone than with her.,
stay strong fella. ive just read this and brings back every memory, and time phase all the flashbacks, the more you read and understand the story the more youll heal, but don't let it take over your life, get out there and do your thing.
I went through this exact scenario, I knew things were headed downwards when her cheating became too obvious, it got to the point where even during good times, knowing she was coming around made my stomach turn into a knot. I ended up trusting my gut by leaving and am proud I did, found out she has a few other guys being strung along with the promise of ‘maybe’
abhijeet bharguv be strong and don’t listen to her BS anymore. It’s hard when u care for a person like that. But care for yourself and you’ll find someone better who will treat you right too
Wow buddy that is actually almost exactly what I went though. Almost to the T, she blocked me now so I'm not worried about it. I just kept saying that she was lying and I think it got to her.. I don't know why I always flinched around her all the time. She only hit me once actually. But still a part of me feels sorry for her. But you can't change them. It's crazy to me. It's crazy that they won't change just run from everything.
When you have lived it, these insights are eerily accurate! Your point about them mimicking normal human responses from films/media is so spot on! I remember saying to her one time that she sounded like she was merely spewing lines from a soap opera. They are such a weird, dysfunctional creature!
What’s even more confusing is that the lines are mostly unrelated to the conversation. I was drawn back by the un relatability to even continue the arguments It is perplexing how they’re so alike 🤔 very interesting
I never realized there were so many different types of narcissists...and i think i have just realized that a single family can be made up entirely of narcissists
Yes that was my family of origin my mother is both covert and overt so you never knew what you were going to get I became extremely co dependent it still is a struggle even though I got help for it
Yes the family unit becomes a bit like a cult with the narc the leader and then all their little helpers, the enablers, etc. I think there's a youtube vid on it somewhere
You are so funny!! 😂 My heart is broken and I’m so sad about leaving my narcissist, but I’m so happy watching your videos! Lol you are a blessing! God definitely intended for this to be your profession. You’re so good at it! Thank you!
Very insightful analysis, you really covered most traits. I would add the use of tactics such as withholding affection and using the silent treatment are also a telltale sign. When confronted, denial shows up with defensive claims such as: "I am just a simple guy" and "90 percent of the time you are the one starting arguments" and "believe me, it was not my intention". Very insidious and will make you question your sanity and guilt trip you for having needs. Thanks for educating more people on this topic
I am in the process of healing, after an almost 4 year relationship with a covert narc. He ended things w/ me via text a few weeks ago, because he said I wasn’t loving him the way he needed to be loved. Then, he called me 4 days after breaking up with me, suggesting we stay friends. I said no. My anxiety and paranoia became so bad in our relationship, I thought I was losing my mind. NOW, I see this ending was a blessing. No empathy or compassion. Apologies were always, “I’m sorry, BUT you...” I’m taking this as a learning experience.
I can't believe how similar they all think, mine did something like this too. The breaking up via text, suggesting we stayed friends, they're really the same
You dodged a bullet..good on you that you figured the narc out early on..I was married to one for 13 years before I figured it out..there was no You Tube help though. I have never felt happier when that he'll ended. They NEVER appologise, my ex always took credit for everything, had to always look like the hero or good guy, ..shy and simple man is how he acted but treated me and kids like garbage, blamed me for EVERYTHING, emotionally unavailable, selfish in the extreme. Gambling addiction, Did stuff for everyone but kids or me,everyone thought he was such a great guy, giving his time to others, being helpful but always at expense of kids and myself..I had to work fulltime, keep spotless house, raise kids myself, all shopping and cooking and clean up, organize all family celebration and do all the work by myself all the while having zero time for myself. Always picking up his slack or absentism, being both mother and father, so when occassion came up, it was all on me to squeeze into my already stretched-thin work week. Exhausted all the time, but HE took credit for EVERYTHING, ie. Well-raised kids, acted like it was his doing, spotless house, acted like his doing, nice family function and meal etc. Acted like he did it or most of it..took all compliments for himself , never once thanked me or gave any indication as to how hard I worked. I was constantly run ragged doing everything. He blamed me for everything. Never a compliment or praise, emotionally unavailable and often physically unavailable. So, I'd say you dodged the bullet early on, good for you!!!
You just relayed my story!!! I’m going through this exact thing. Wondering if something is wrong with me! I wish you peace & a future healthy relationship!!!
That wouldn't be that much of a trouble IF they had at least some actual ambition to obtain such skills. But the fact is most of them don't (no matter how hard they try to convince you (and even themselves probably in some cases) that they are willing to change and become more mature; and of course they simply don't care that since you believe them, you continue to lay yourself out to help them move in this direction).
I can not believe how much I deny to myself that my husband is a covert narcissist. He has me sooo confused. 18 years of confusion. You sir have really made me 100 percent sure! Ty. Sad really because I have thought for a really long time that I was the problem. Always feeling guilty, always giving. My husband is a nurse! To all he is amazing kind and gentile. To me he is selfish, belittling, controlling, manipulating.
This guy is one of my favorite students of narcissism. He's funny and smart, and really breaks down narcissim in a way we can all understand. I hope he keeps making educational videos! He has helped me a lot. Thank you from California!
Omg sameee I’m living with a narcissist and a covert narcissist while listening to this around them with my headphones on lol. It made me laugh and they arnt used to seeing me express much emotion around them latley so they are like wtf
I laughed too...We are in the middle of splitting and I am dying from the addiction to him in my cells so it was so good to laugh about what a shi** he is!! Haha! I'm almost free...13 years! I'm almost free!
I just divorced a covert narci. He nearly drove me CRAZY! His big thing was cheating and lying. Being a "rescuer" or helping others so that he could project an image was also big with him. But there's one thing I would add to that; those coverts will bend over backwards to be seen as a savior, rescuer, whatever, ONLY if there is something to gain from being seen in that light or, in my ex's own words, "I only have people in my life if there is some value". They don't help because someone needs it, they do it because they might be able to take something from that person, and in my ex's case it was usually a female and he wanted admiration and to get in their pants.
I have to say, I became an excellent detective because of him. I even hid my IPad (that was on my service plan, this only works if this is the case so you get GPS tracking). Then I could logon to my "Find my iPhone" app, which I had all my devices linked with, and I could track his every move. I would text him and ask "where are you", of course he would lie, and I knew he was lying because I could track my hidden iPad.
+Nicole Roberts You knew he was married and you still had a relationship with him. Where are your morals and integrity? Also, you're aware of your father issues, right? That man could have been your father o.O He has a personality disorder, but you need therapy as well.
The whole “ breakdown and crying thing “ can flip in one second flat by saying “ the crying doesn’t work anymore “ try something new 😂 step back and get ready to watch them unravel.
Khaleesi L when I walked away I had to go to his house to get something. We sat at the kitchen table and he was crying. Suddenly he stood up, went to the living room and stood with his arms folded on his forehead against the door, crying. I watched him from afar and he was actually waiting to see if I saw it.. he looked up at me and put his head on his arms again. He is 53!!! I didn’t bother and sat down again and he came back to me in the kitchen. Afterwards when I was leaving the tears came again and he said he couldn’t see me leave so I said ‘go inside ‘. He did ! As I went out of the door , in my car, he came out of the kitchen door and waved at me.. you can just sink in the ground. A week later an ex moved in!! She parked her car in front so everybody would see that she was back. I didn’t even know for two weeks later. Hateful demonic creature who will get his karma in the end.
well, you are still lucky because she threatened me with suicide. an actual fucking suicide. and I bought it at first, terrified, didn't want that on my conscience. But once I said "go fucking kill yourself if you want I'm out" she just stopped threatening just like that. lol.
Someone was moaning on the phone last night to me about how much pain they were in.. They said they've been screaming at people all day.. I said u better scream then.. They said wow & instantly stopped complaining about any pain.. 👀👀👀
Covert is the worst. Lazy, don’t work, reliant on other people for financial reasons, validation, ego stroking.. all so subtle too. They make excuses with sob stories for their reason to not have to be responsible for literally anything. Refuse to do favors, refuse to be independent, refuse to work, refuse to self reflect.. and they’re soooo good at playing victim you will authentically feel sorry for them! It’s psycho!
going through divorce now. I'm learning my husband fits the covert Narcissists. Had no idea what this even was. I had a hysterectomy because of cancer. My lovely husband said he went to his ex girlfriend because I wasn't the same woman anymore. I made him cheat to get his needs met. These videos have helped me understand what just happened to me and my kids.
Lisa Hutton Wow sounds like my "Christian" ex girlfriend. She did the same thing to me. I got sick and she was no where in sight. Every example mentioned in this video she has done to me. She always made me feel like I was this horrible abusive monster while playing the poor victim.
If this isn't the TRUTH!!! For a while I thought I was crazy because of the manipulation, the deformation of my character, the pulling me in & pushing me away. Thank you for your videos 💜 Great Content
They will do that too us thought I was crazy too . Then I discovered these narc awareness channels and realize I wasn't crazy at all. I was being abused and manipulated .
After 21 years in an emotionally abusive marriage I thought I was the crazy one because of how horribly I was raised. My body has taken quite a toll. I’ve taken the last year, after having a heart attack and still dealing with a tumor, chose to distance myself (from husband, toxic people as well as limiting media and social media to only UA-cam) and really only focus on healing, reprogramming myself and facing my past trauma. What an eye opener! Your videos have helped tremendously on working on what is needed to move forward in a more positive direction and to not get into this type of relationship in the future. Very grateful! Thank you!
I hear people call others Narcissists in everyday conversation these days. Yet it's a serious condition. You're so right, it's devaluing the term/condition.
@Kaylee Karnes It does seem epidemic - It seems to be currently breeding on a mass scale - narc traits socio-culturally - Healing consists of growing above narc tendencies permeating us collectively. Mark B.
@@mssdeess66 Maybe awareness and community work on this base energy survival strategy (narcissism) is the shift in our frequency on this planet that our empaths have been sensing.
Narcs will do charity just to get admiration,its never quiet. My husband will always come home and brag about helping somebody. The guilt tripping comes with the sense of entitlement.
Thank you... “if there’s any doubt, there’s no doubt...” and the fact that if I’m online looking for info... it’s not normal... that just made it click. I’m getting out.
My covert Narcissist told me he is the best thing that ever happened to me. But yet I taught him how to drive, to sew clothes, to lay tiles, to mix cement. I have my house, he doesn't, I have my car, a job, my degree, he doesn't. So how could he say that ? I can travel the world, he can't. I tried to help him step up, instead he stepped on me, often.
Natasha Simon Best reply to that is “oh really? How would YOU know that?” Then after they give whatever reply they give say “yeah well I think it’s best we stop talking about this because I’d hate to break your delusion”
They're often incompetent and incapable of acquiring expertise in anything. My ex narc once confessed to me in what I mistook as humility (more manipulation) that I didn't realize how good I was at so many things, and in the same breath almost, accused me of taking her pride away (like virtue, no one can). Since they can't compete with others in that way, all they have is denigration in sneaky ways for those who are. After 8 yrs of teaching grammar school she was forced out by parents who'd had their fill of her damaging their kids. The cause in her mind was the "bad boy" image of me she had conjured up to make herself feel better about her own inadequacy (she constantly had run-ins with principals, teachers, parents, but was never at fault). Somehow, while I was busy pursuing my own career (electronic engineering, where you have to know how good your skills are to stay employed), I managed to make her look bad in front of her colleagues! She's still after 28 yrs, casting me as the bad guy who messed up her life--and has convinced our daughter of the same. And yes, she went around with the attitude that she was the best thing that happened to me and the world.
I spent 6 years dating a covert narcissist, 4 of those years living with him. Wasn’t until we moved in together that it truly started. I ignored red flags because I thought I was so in love and he had had such a difficult life, full of abandonment so I wasn’t also going to abandon him and stayed for the long haul thinking I could be the very thing that changed and helped him. Slowly sucking the life out of me. Once being a happy-go-lucky person, I was now on edge constantly, walking on eggshells, rehearsing in my head “how” I should say something as not to anger him. Street angel, home devil. Everyone thought he was such a nice, charming, sweet, helpful and caring individual, however, behind closed doors he started fights over nothing and I mean literally nothing. He threw and broke more glasses than I could ever even count, punched holes through the doors and walls, televisions, screamed at the top of his lungs in my face and said I was the only person ever in his life that he fought with like this. It was all me, all my fault. I’d never even heard of narcissistic personality disorder until the relationship had finally ended. He checks ALL the boxes. Once apart, I fully went no contact and still do to this day, it’s coming up on three years. Blocked him on all social media and blocked his phone number, blocked email, moved, never want to speak to him or his flying monkey parents ever again!!!! I’ve still never recovered financially but certainly have emotionally. If you’re in a relationship like that, don’t spend another moment. LEAVE!!! I look back now wondering how in the hell I stayed so long. There once was a time I thought I couldn’t live life without him, now I cannot imagine living a life with him.
@@Oceans11.11 So Happy to hear you moved on!! I met someone 2 months ago and I asked god to help me understand what the hell is wrong with him.. after spending just three times together, I realised he is a covert narc... I'm just playing him now and ignoring his ass hahaha.. he never bothered to love bomb me though.. he became himself from the get go
@@girljustwannahavefun1871 Thank you! With respect to the love bombing, similar for me.. the first 2 years he kept me at arms length so def no love bombing.. I was just the fool waiting for him to commit, pretending I was okay with no strings, which took 2 years.. for a very short time in the beginning of the next 4 years, I mean like the first few months he was sweet, would buy me flowers and tell me we’d be together forever but the flowers stopped and the rest of the time was the vicious cycle of the push & pull. Threaten to discard, throw tantrums, love bomb afterward, threaten to discard, invalidate, throw tantrums, then love bomb after.. this repeated the entire 4 years. I wouldn’t get anywhere near another abusive narcissist. Just be careful, they are sly and will never give up control.
@@Oceans11.11 so nice to hear back from you!! So glad you are out of this relationship and I pray that you find someone deserving of your love and most importantly reciprocates like normal humans do!! Mine was laid off his job and this drove him crazy, and I got to see a side that was so weak and demonic and just lost:.. he was so stingy and never bothered to buy me anything, he was just a taker lool. I knew I needed to look up his symptoms and I was lucky that youtube exists! I’m pretending that I don’t know what his issues are. These narcs give a valuable lesson in life and they teach us how to spot them and appreciate normal humans!! Sending you love
So, I was right by cutting out this covert narc. He was and still is one big lesson I have learned. He is currently in the hoovering mode but I go Grey rock and ignore. Thank you for the video. It's confirmation of what I already knew and what my friends told me. They are pure danger to the healthy soul let alone to someone with self-esteem problems and no support system. Only solution: run and never return
Chloe - glad you have escaped your mum. My natural mother was an extreme covert narcissist (with borderline personality disorder). Her predominant traits were self-pity and trying to receive sympathy from others. My step-mother was a grandiose narcissist, so to the outside observer they appeared opposite kinds of people. I don't know what was going on in my dad's head, he was attracted to a certain type.
Chloe, good for you. I encourage you to seek healing because we have been set up for the next one. We are empath's which makes us super vulnerable to these user's. Blessings dear one.
I understand 100, and am working on moving out asap finally realized her and her games and sabotaging of my life such as making me doubt myself and any good opportunity I had was 2 good to be true and a bad decision to accept so I just dont tell her anything so she cant try to manipulate me with her opinion and she also tells me once u move out u better be 100% independent bc if anything EVER happens and u need a place to stay(I am a single mom) u can NEVER come back this was and is your one time of help from me
When I first realised i was dealing with it it was truly horrible but once you know you can heal and deal with them better im finding,.it gives you a teflon in a way good luck everyone
I call it shame based narcissist, because the pride issue comes from a place of a shame they've endured rather than arrogance & overconfidence. I've been married to one for 35 years.
only Richard has me smiling in the middle of videos on the most depressing topic (narcissism). He brings humor and light into an otherwise dark space, that is hard for so many. Bless your heart Richard!
My ex is a covert narcissist. He made me think I was going insane. I was always a nervous person but I developed GAD throughout the years. Unfortunately we share two children (they were my strength, my reason for leaving) Took years of counseling to realize though I am not perfect, I am not completely insane. I was not ‘imagining ‘ things. I am not bi polar. As I mentioned before I share two beautiful children with this man. He has done everything in his power to turn them against me. It’s my fault we r not a ‘whole’ family. I left him with nothing(forget the constant cheating, the years of psychological abuse and the physical abuse that ultimately ended in my local police filing a restraining order on my behalf) Nope I ruined everything. Would have to write a book to explain how far this goes, but I am better. And I would like to tell anyone going through this, there is light at the end of tunnel. You are not crazy. You CAN find yourself again. Goodluck and God bless u and urs.
Thank you for sharing. I have 2 children with my ex covert 😪 6 years...4 years free. Broke my trauma bond last year. I'm tired. My souls tired. I have C PTSD but therapy is helping xx
OMG I was with a narc who cried at movies but he never cried in life, eyes of ice & a punisher in a covert way. He lied about everything. He was sneaky so when I would discover what was really going on, I would get really angry. He would look at me with disdain. Like walking on eggshells.
Sounds like my husband but he doesn't cry at movies. He's an empty mocking bird. I'm convinced that he's learned how to mimic my emotions when he thinks it fits. Problem is, it lacks depth. There's nothing genuine about it. Strangely, he also frequently imagines he's on a sitcom and he mimics the type of comedy you'd see on a sitcom but more demeaning toward me and occasionally, our kids. I asked him once if heard laugh tracks. I was relieved when he said he doesn't but he is certain that if his life (starring him making fun of me at inappropriate times, we're just extras in his life) were filmed, it would be a hit tv show. He's very cliche when he imitates empathy. He admits to me that he struggles to feel anything when someone is hurt. He feels like he deserves so much better in every possible way, to include the amount of sex and praise I offer him, and he sulks and gets ragey about it constantly. According to him, he is entitled to my body and my attention because he does soooooo much for our family. Life has picked on him. The only time he apologizes is when I'm trying to leave. Then, he becomes the man I thought I married for a few days. I asked him if that man was real the other day and he gave me an angry contemptuous smile and then laughed loudly. I asked why he was laughing and his face morphed back into that angry contempt and he said "just imaging what it's like to be you." After Mr nice guy phase, he goes back to being abusive (screaming/scary/mean.) He's only gotten physical once. When I try talking to him about it, he explodes, gets defensive- blaming everyone/everything but himself, he tells me I don't appreciate him as I should, and then, he gives me the silent treatment for weeks or even months. When I can't take it anymore, I try to leave and the cycle repeats. At this point, I think he's a sociopath. I'm trying to work my way out... I'm just scared he'll snap if I follow through. I also worry about my kids being alone with him during visits. What if he directs the abuse at them when I'm not there to take it? I know I made this mess. I'm working on it.
@@eyeamme1917 I am so sorry you are in this situation and dealing with a husband like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Don't blame yourself for his behavior or personality. It is not your fault. You are right to make your plans to get out and get away with your kids as soon as you can. Please be careful. If you can get yourself and the children to a women's shelter for a few days, they should be able to help you get more permanent arrangements made. Plus, then you have some documentation that you were escaping abuse that could help you later when dealing with custody or visitation rights.
@@unitedlutheranchurch5147 Thank you. I have considered doing that but when I do, I feel like I'm overreacting. Women's shelters are for battered women, which I am not. I did open up to a psychologist about this a few years ago but I think he was ill equipped to deal with this sort of thing (he was my son's psychologist who specialized in autism.) He suggested I write things down and send it to myself via email as means to document things with an electronic date stamp. I have been doing that pretty faithfully for some time now. I really want our kids to have a healthy relationship with their dad and I wonder if it's my presence that's interfering with that... maybe I just trigger him. I certainly have plenty of my own toxic issues. I go back and forth between thinking I'm causing this and I should have left years ago and feeling scared that his behavior is present with or without me and he'll snap and/or turn his rage onto our kids if I leave. I don't know... I guess I'm extremely confused. I just started therapy. My hope is that my new psychologist will help me to better assess things and devise an appropriate plan of action. I am completely resolute in my decision to not allow this madness to continue, irrespective of what exactly that entails. Thank you so much for your kind response ❤.
@@eyeamme1917 Good luck with your new Therapist. Whether you "trigger" your husband or not, I think a mentally healthy husband would seek to find ways to work things out with you- find a compromise, try to reframe his thinking, or agree to seek couples therapy. Please be safe as you work your way to health and healing for you and your children. God bless you.
I was dating a covert narc he drove me to a full blown nervous breakdown it was 13 years into it. Literally couldn't walk or talk.my whole body shook and I could not control it. I was not home. I had been through so much .it took me years to heal and be healthy.
How long did it take to heal? I mean how many months years for the severity to subside, and then how long to completely heal? Thank you for sharing. This type of behaviour is like invisible gas - it's there suffocating you, but you can't smell or see it.
Wow, i can imagine how this sort of treatment/suffering could get us to that place. There is so much damage done. i felt i was unable to love again and totally dependent on my ex gf for what become almost everything even breathing, I am so serious!!, that bad at one stage. I can only describe it as a prison and within, you become like you have lost your life and rights to freedom (even though you forgotten what that is) not to mention feeling and believing were incapable of things in a normal life existence. i am assuming your final awakening was the breakdown? I am feeling personally that there are scars left with my/others experiences being in that place and I will be finding out in due course. i know that i started to get major mood swings (suspected bipolar brought on by all of this) and I also now know that she played on my PTSD diagnosis a hell of a lot, i can see her studying this affliction in order to manipulate me more effectively, she did think that her life was perfect with this setting she created but i do believe in karma in a big way (i know she was devastated when i shown my old strength by throwing her out) and as sad as it sounds i do feel that when her due's arrive it will help me heal... never let go of what we thought we forgot.. Wishing you and all other here all the best and a speedy recovery to a deserved brighter future :)
Lil G BGD that’s how I feel today, he left yesterday, I ended it by text, but he had been discarding me for months... but kept, hoovering.. he said after I finished it, I always want you in my life and let’s stay friends😩
My covert narcissist definitely knew he was projecting an image. In early stages of the relationship, he spoke often of masks he wore or facets of himself, etc that were completely compartmentalized. But he seemed so warm and empathetic, it sounded more like a conversational way to describe how he was into different things or a diverse person. Interestingly, the more I started calling out incongruencies, the less he talked about the "masks". It was almost like he was dead honest while he believed I wouldn't believe it, but stopped mentioning it when those words would give me bull's eye insight on him. Strangely, he does not seem to realize that I could remember his words in hindsight when his behaviour reminded me of them. Very cunning, but not very big on the larger picture or complex thinking. In fact, he candidly described ALL his symptoms at some point or the other. Often after what I now realize was narcissistic injury. NEEDING to be with people, feeling disconnected from his emotions, finding it hard to empathize with what others may be feeling, criticism causing intense anxiety, not being sure what love meant - at the end of the day we all use each other..... not bad for someone who also claimed to not be able to articulate what he felt.
Claire B. Wish I could say something to help. But I think you should go for divorce if it’s that bad. If you can get full placement of the kids you should be fine. Me being a man the difficulties are different. I ended up homeless and paying way to much in child support to re established myself. Been divorced 18 months now. Divorcing a narc is an abuse all it it’s own. Watch out for the lawyers they are all crooked.
“The only reason I said (horrible verbal abuse) was because you didn’t (insert reason)” “I’m sorry you feel that way” “I said this, then you said that, then I said this, then you said that. That is what actually happened” “You don’t get me” Any of this sound familiar?
You are giving people great ideas to reflect on and it is extremely helpful to meet a man who is so educated about relationships between people that are dysfunctional and who are seeking relief. Thank you. You are doing much good. Some of us would never have learned about these things without your videos.
I had been in bed with suicidal thoughts for 5 days. Hadn’t eaten or anything. Knew I was going down more each day. The night before his work trip I came out and directly asked him to get me help. I was a danger to myself. He didn’t look up from tv. Said ok. I went back to bed. Next morning he packed up. Just before leaving he said “Well, I hope you’re here when I get back. (5 days) Left. The shock of that made it possible for me to drag myself together. 32 years. Covert narcissist. Slander everywhere at my “abandoning” him. Poor me. I’m a victim. I was house bound by his insanity projection for 15 years. Working through Richard’s program. Amazing changes. Don’t pick scabs. Find your self. Revel in that. Do the work. This is your one life. Choose life; not history. Non servium! Your choice. I chose life. Next page. Do it.
Mary Schleicher Oh dear soul, that’s heartbreaking - and I very much understand. You’ve got this! Wishing you all the very best. And thanks for your encouraging post.
my husband pushes me as hard as possible for days then leave loaded guns seating around .. then will say how much he wants to kill hi,self .. as if he’s trying to put the idea in my head .. it’s SO pathetic
Well done for pulling yourself together. My narc Wanted me to have a baby with him when we had only been together 4 months. I realised he was rushing me when he manipulated by saying he thinks I’m manipulating pretending I’ll have a child to use him then leave before giving him a child and gave me an untimatum to start trying soon to prove I’m not lying. I said it’s too early we don’t know eachother we’ll yet I told him I’m suicidal and depressed then he says just give me that child before you kill yourself do it after you can leave me with the child if you have a baby for me don’t worry about anything I can take the baby and bring it up on my own
Christine Miller that is shit behaviour on his part. Don't put up with that shit. If he does it again tell him your moving out..... then watch him whine...
Oh wow you just described my last relationship to the "T" I questioned for a while wether he was a narcissist because he seemed so vulnerable, open and genuine. He showed so much emotion. He also kept saying "I'm not who you think I am" wich was a huge red flag. I could see the internal struggle he faced feeling not good enough but also extremely self absorbed. He admitted that he didn't know to show empathy or to be there for other people. He was extremely depressed as well. Good news is I called him out on all of this. I set boundaries and stuck up for myself. He started to see a therapist before we broke up. I wish him well. I also know that I attracted him because of my co dependent tendencies that haven't completely healed yet. This video makes so much sense! This gives me such clarity about what I had already suspected. Thank you!!
I've found with covert narcs that when I speak, they just look over my shoulder or anywhere else but at me, even when discussing things of importance to us both. They are totally uninterested in hearing anything, but will fake extreme interest in mundane things if it is beneficial to do so. It's like a backward response.
Yep, and then they demand that you need to listen to them more, and they need space to be heard too (ummmm you just talked my ear off for 10 minutes on your soliloquy... isn’t that enough?)
In addition, these folks have such huge insecurity that they assume that you must be terribly damaged in some way to have fallen for their overselling of themselves...so they actually think LESS of you for believing in their talents and abilities, even though they r telling you about how talented, generous, and misunderstood they truly r. In fact, you r the only person who understands them. Bravo! I had to take notes and watch over 3x. "Hypnotic brainwashed submission" thank you 4 the 411 and the eloquence
I can usually tell when a covert narcissist is coming by the way they walk, it exudes self pity, it like manipulation at first sight. They have terrible posture, and walk like they have the world on their shoulders. As soon as they dupe you though you can see/hear them do this snicker thats like "I got you hehehe", its like a kid playing sick to get out of going to school, and laughing about how his mother fell for it. As good-hearted people we think "oh this poor soul, if only I could do something to make them feel better". They don't even have to say anything to be manipulative.But seriously dealing with these types over time has drained my empathy for them, and my room for being polite and patient.
@@V-Bug the difference between a narc and an ex-target-of-narc is that with a narc, you can (if you look closely after some first-hand experience) see that they have a "tell" which crops up the moment they "got you". It will be a slight smile, or a light that shines bright in their eyes for a flash, or a slight straightening of the shoulders, or a nod-nod-nod, or a brief swagger. Blink and you'll miss it. But watch closely, and you'll catch it. And that's when you should motion for the bill or reach for your coat - and leave. It will not get better, I think you know that now - it just gets worse and worse..
A girl I got involved with cheated with me behind her SO (I did not know this at the time), but once she got found out, she filed a restraining order on me and ostracized me from my social circle. She plays the victim and everyone believes it and all my friends have turned against me. If you ever meet a narcissist, run far and away.
Wow if your social circle ostracized you when they were your friends first, I can only imagine the manipulation that they are going to get succumbed to by her. They will come back to you but you will have found friends that are much much better.
Sign 14 can be more accurately defined. They don't always try to paint the story of their childhood beautifully like it was perfect - especially if the other person already knows it was really bad. It's like this: other people can't say their childhood was bad. A true shy, avoidant narcissist may elaborate on their childhood problems when it comes to their advantage, like to build up some victim propaganda. But if someone says "your childhood was harmful to you" to their advantage in an argument, then the covert narcissist will try to claim it wasn't so bad and will seem offended.
+Antonio Brandao I have told people my narc ex was abused by her mother and that she had forbidden her to see her father when she was a child. My ex told me this when were young and in love plus other stuff about how malignant she was. My ex hated her mother yet now she is telling the kids that her mother was a lovely woman and that their grandfather (a war hero) was bad. She is training them the same way about me.
+Antonio Brandao I agree...they paint the childhood probably as gory as it was. Having said that you really do not know how much of it is truth as they lie all the time.
You described my mother. Her narcissistic personality is not as apparent to others, so when I tell others about what she is like when she is abusive towards me when no one is looking, then I am not believed, because she is "so nice" to everyone else.
J Richardson that is their modus operandi. Most don't show their true colours to others. So everyone thinks they are great and even defend THEM against you lol.
J Richardson, my mother is a covert also and hits all of these points to a T. I wish he wouldve talked more about the parent-child dynamics of this abuse instead of solely in a partner-relationship way. My mother literally did everything for me, making me feel incapable of handling life on my own. From school work to laundry and shopping..She even applied to college for me. I suppose this made her feel worthy and valuable. And once I got to college it was like a slap in the face reality check and I hardly knew how to take care of myself. Very sad. Whenever my mom was challenged or slightly criticized she would say, "I do SO much for you and you're so ungrateful" poor me sob story. "Nobody appreciates me after ALL I do for you people" Then come the guilt trips. I'd have to always dress a certain way in public all for HER image. She never let us miss school if we were actually sick because it made her as a mother look bad. If we spilled something we were yelled at and called 'idiots'. When her and my father would fight, she would try to get us on her side. If I upset her or challenged her, I got the silent treatment (this happens more as Im an adult and less easy to control) Its very traumatizing for young children. Being the middle child all of this effected me the most, and I am the most sensitive. My sisters don't see it especially my younger sister who is her favorite 'poster child'.
Further Into The Rabbit Hole Further Into The Rabbit Hole Wow you have just described my mother and my experience. For the majority of my life I thought my mother was perfect and that it was normal to have a family dynamic of spewing insults to your children and having a totally different persona to the outside world. I always appreciated her for doing so much for me but I knew she wasn't very nurturing, and I didn't fault her for it. I just thought it was tough love and her understanding of how best to rear children, as she comes from a very unfortunate background. However, now that I'm an adult and on my own, it's hard to be the professional in charge person that I always wanted to be, and I believe could have and should have been. And being the self aware person that I am, I always try to find the deep rooted reasons for why things are the way that they are. My mom criticized me all my life, so much so that I didn't even notice it was damaging. Whatever I said or did that she didn't like she made sure to correct me in the most malicious way. And because of that, I never developed my own personality. I have become this person whose image to the outside world is so personally constructed, rather than just living life in my own truth the way that everyone else does. Also, I sort of still think that this wasn't her intention and she just wanted the best for my siblings and I to protect us from judgement of others, but her tough love was more damaging than beneficial, for me. Because of it I have developed this super hypersensitivity to other's feelings and opinions towards me. And I have become so unsure of my self and became this codependent person in constant need of assurance that I'm making good decisions. I remember being such an outgoing, fun, social person who was very ahead of my peers intellectually/socially/creatively when I was younger before the criticism from my mother became the norm. And now, I am very shy, self-conscious, and socially awkward/anxious. And I have watched my peers surpass me with accomplishments. It truly sucks and has ruined my life and I don't know how to reverse the damage. I hate to place all blame on her but I honestly think it goes back to the unintentional abuse. And because my mom is a highly paid professional and has done a lot for my siblings and I materialistically, no one understands why I'm not very successful and how I could have any excuse. It's very draining trying to get ppl to understand the dynamic that mental abuse can have on a person despite other factors. I do realize I have to stop playing victim and take control of my life since I'm now aware but for a while I didn't notice the effects. I have been searching for videos or comments from a person whose experience was similar so that I can feel that my feelings are validated in that even though a mother can do a lot for her children, putting them down in the process can do extensive damage. I feel guilty for daring to say she wasn't an excellent mother and for feeling that maybe she enjoyed the control and the projection of this false image more than she cared for the feelings and opinions and mental wellbeing of us. Because at the end of the day I do believe she loves us very much so she isn't a full blown narcissist. I just think more awareness should be spread on the importance of mental health and the effects that certain behaviors can have on a child's life. Everyone talks about neglect, sexual abuse, physical abuse, poverty, none of which I experienced. But little is said about the shame and criticism and ridicule a lot of children have to endure, and how it is just as volatile as other forms of abuse.
Im sorry you had to go through this. I think our mothers do love us and they did the best they knew how. My mothers mother was even worse to her so its all she knew. Healing starts with recognizing it and for me, moving very far away. When we do see each other its happier since it isnt often. Also forgiveness because like I said, she raised me the best she knew how based on how she was raised. They are very damaged people and at least we are able to self-reflect
Same here J. Richardson. I took a secret recording of one of my narc mother's rages, which included gaslighting, emotional blackmail, character assassination, threats, the whole gamut. If ANYONE tries to deny she was capable of such things, it will come out. Slam dunk. Take recordings. Switch on your mobile phone recording, or put your small video camera on record and put it somewhere in the room, so you can ambush your narc with the truth.
Ding, Ding, Ding, 20/20 we have a winner. The Narcissist who I spent nearly 5yrs with has everyone of these qualities and I could give numerous examples of how he embodies all of these. It's quite scary.
I was PHYSICALLY ill for weeks/months before I left and even after. It was awful. It got to the point where I could not eat. I physically shivered/shook when the garage door opened or when he walked in a room. I had to show no emotion in conversations and even then a fight could start at any moment. So many women in narcissistic abuse relationships end up with horrible health issues. It's so sad that it can get to that point.
God I relate to this so much, soon as he raises his voice now I start violently shaking, even the djgs and kids run to me and we all just shake together, for about the last 5 years I just have to stare at the floor when he starts shouting, and dont look him in the eye cos he gets more physical. Apparently the reason he punched me though was my fault because I fell down the stairs and hit my head, he gone insane so its all ok. It's me with the problem not him ha ha. Hoping to be free very soon.
I try to just avoid conversations altogether, they're pointless and will get us absolutely nowhere other than in a fight. I'm just gonna do what I want without talking to him.
SpartanlifeCoach, you have helped me more with your videos than years with cold and uncareing psychologist and psychiatrists have done. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. You are a f'ing genius!
I had a discussion with a negative thinking covert narcissist after we'd watched a Ted talk about positivity vs negativity. The talk was looking at why it is easier for people to change a positive to a negative than a negative to a positive. It concluded that we need to be intentional about being positive. While the covert narc watched the video, he was trying to disprove the research in his mind and find a reason why it wasn't applicable to him. He explained afterwards how he was "different" (special) and not tricked like the (normal) people they tested for the study had been. He somehow looked at this study in a competitive way and felt the need to prove his superior thought. It became obvious he doesn't identify with average people and thinks he is outside looking in on everyone else... Funny, when he is minimizing abuse or defending his thought patterns, he will say that it's just "a guy thing" though I now realize that he doesn't actually identify with the average guy! AHHH these people! 😲
Yes, in my case y ex narc came across as having low self steem, he had at most a very apathetic attitude in every aspect of his life. He claimed to have been emotionally abandoned by his mom (trggering the protective part of my personality). He was pretty much an underachiever and a looser (he apparently wanted to be supported like a child by his partners). But he definetly had some weird sense of entitlement in which he assumed he did not have to make any effort on the relationaship. The whole thing sunk when I got pregnant, since this situation demanded effort and sacrifice from him. One must not suppose only the classic arrogant people are narcs. The covert narcissists explode your empathy, they inspire pity, and since they come across as being hurt, abandoned or indefense, you basically don´t expect anything (and I mean anything) from them. They are leaches, and lazy.
oh my god. thank you. the shy dramatic sobby victim narcisist who is someone still better than everyone. its so weird setting boundaries with these people. you can't just let your guard down and love them cause then they go in for the kill.
Look at me I am in pain (because of you)- look at me I was abandoned as a child (and you are doing the same to me, heartless you)... That's the covert narc- the words in the bracket are conveyed through facial expressions- voice tones etc- multiple times a day- without giving a break to your mind... This is what they are.
My husband is a diagnosed narcissist. He does apologize and often. He will say he is sorry over and over but it goes no further than that. There is no conversation about how the behavior has affected anyone around him. And it seems that the word sorry means to him that we can move on now and you need to get over it. So sorry from him means nothing to me now. And the behavior continues regardless of how sorry he is. He may be sorry but refuses to be accountable. And he lives in a world of no co.
I have just become aware that i have been with a covert narc for 4 1/2 years. I am literally 1week post "grand finale".. I'm raw with pain, confusion, self hate, embarrassment, anger, loss, devastation all of the ugliest emotions a human can experience, and him?? he is on his way to new Orleans for vacation... not even a sorry, good bye, oh wait...he sent a text telling me sorry this didn't work out for ME!? A text... 4yrs of my life and future ends with a text and the blame only after smearing my character to his family,children and our friends. the only thing I have keeping me functional are these videos.... thank u
+Mischelle Bowser Yes, I understand this perfectly. I don't think they can FEEL true remorse or inner pain. They are void of genuine connection and empathy to those they claim they love.
+Mischelle Bowser Yes, "sorry" and being accountable are two very different things. Mine used to get into the concept of spiritual "energy-cord-cutting" which, thankfully, I recognized as a potential way for someone to completely avoid accountability for behavior while appearing enlightened at the same time.
Suzanne Bonham It's all very manipulative. I am a Catholic and I say the rosary to myself at night when I am going to sleep. He has wanted to say the first decade with me so I did but as soon as we got to the "Our Father" and I started to say "forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us" he started to whisper in my ear about all the ways I have not done that and that I shouldn't even be praying the Our Father if I am not able to take it seriously. I was so disgusted I had to get out of bed immediately and we haven't prayed together since. Seriously, why is HE asking me to pray with him when he finds those very prayers that offensive to him. I have never demanded that he must do this with me. It actually freaked me out that night because I thought to myself this is exactly what a demon would do when someone is trying to pray. Whisper lies and accusations in a person's ear.
I feel I was in two relationships that I began to take in their actions and thoughts. I found myself acting like a victim and cried and wanted pity from him. I never was like this in my past years before these two relationships. I am recognizing this after this video. Thank you so much!! This video is 5 years old and you probably won’t even see this?? ❤️😊
I think it's more reactive verse being your true nature. We all have an ugly/dark side question is it is your true nature or after you've been repeatedly pushed n pushed. Also imo a true narcissist won't admit to being one (typically)
Every single point you read made my jaw drop! I left a complex relationship with someone who I kept thinking was just a depressed pathological lier. I've thought for a couple of years that he has NPD. Literally he ticks all of these boxes. He has damaged me a great deal so I'll be watching all of your recovery videos. Acting out of order then playing the victim, the trauma bonding was the toughest for me personally. Thank you 🙏 And good luck to everyone else who is watching this, my brain is scrambled eggs atm, no closure etc. So so toxic! LITERALLY every point is spot on!!!!!!!!
Four years ago I was in shock and crying spells when I stumbled upon this video. Four years later I'm laughing at the silliness of my relationship with the covert narcissist. You can heal. My best wishes to you all.
Your comment brought a smile to my face...thank you...that simple and direct comment helped someone.
God Bless.
@@hockeymasktime1918 You'll get there too. Blessings to you.
Thank you. Things are rough right now but what you said gives me courage.
Same here, lol.
...Twenty years post narcissist, yes you can heal and thrive:--).
Being around covert narcissist can make you feel depressed if you are around them long enough.
Mike OH YEAH!
they'll deplete you, eat you alive
Ever unthankful
Mike absolutely......
True true, we dated for 4 and half years and it's a 1 and a half years later and I'm still on depression medication, just goes to show what a relationship with a narc can do to you. Most of the points of this video reflects her character especially the love for animals, but when the animals does something wrong or messes, then it's whole lota shouting and yeah very good with lies. Oh and the every morning bad mood, finding a way to start your day with an argument. But yeah I'm working on myself, can feel the workouts I'm doing have helped me alot, cos that's what I love doing, so yeah it takes time but I feel the healing taking place.
My ex would text to have a nice day and I'd reply with a "Appreciate that hun, it has been, wishing you the same" and BOOM! Opened myself up for accusations left and right as to why my day was going well and that I didn't think about her feelings. And of course she had to ghost me 4 days before my birthday (this month) and 20 days no contact.
Biggest victim in the room - even when they are the one cheating on you
OMG!!!!! YES. I'm struggling through this right now.
@@margaretseverson71 omg same atm
Exactly!
Omg, the same thing happened to me. My ex always turned it around and i was to blame.
@@margaretseverson71 - i feel for you bro. She is putting me through that now. I was the sap buying her things and giving her money. She dumped me for an unemployed loser. I bet she comes running back to me in a week.
"If you're on the internet looking for what the hell is going on, that's not normal." & we all know it!!!
There not shy they are observing learning emotions. very skilled, paying attention.
@@skky4404 I think she's talking about the victims trying to figure out what's going on.
If you're looking for answers and not knowing what's going on.. it's because you're part of the problem, and suffering from similar issues. A really healthy person would KNOW and deal with it, not need research to figure it out. The reason any of us need research to figure it out, is because of our own dysfunction, and dysregulation. We can't think and feel clearly in the situations. We're involved already in the entanglement, because we're trying to fulfill our needs in our dysfunctional way.
We're not all evil.. but we are plagued by evil, however it manifests.
@@Frejborg Yes I agree with you and It relates to the word boundaries. If you weren't taught them growing up, witnessed good versions of clear boundaries, you have to learn them later and you fall prey to all kinds of shit treatment. I agree with you, it's definitely dysfucntional on the receiving end of abuse, but looking for help on line is ok, feels like a bit of help in the moment. But in the end hard work no doubt has to be done. Learning to leave can be hard enough, and then figure why you get into those relationships in the first place
That was a big statement
The ‘pillar of the community’ type of narcissist is the worst, because they don’t treat everyone else the way they’ve treated you, so no one believes you when you tell them your side.
The K All Too True
@Divine Retribution I had exactly the same, she ran a charity, so concerned about everyone's perception of her, but actually had not a drop of compassion or empathy for anyone or anything.
I dated someone who was very active in NA. He's admired and looked up to by so many..They don't know him like I did.. yet I'm the one looking like the crazy ex girlfriend
No one believes me about my ex covert. No one. Even my own family. He's good a good manipulator and liar a fooler. I'm the one who cheated and I'm pycho of course. Crazy. They tell everyone what they actually are. Projection.
True true true! Always helping others to inflate his nice guy inflated ego. Belongs to Rotary, ‘thinks’ he’s a ‘pillar of the community’. Everybody’s buddy!
Huuuuuuge ego, bounces from one relationship to the other. Oh I could go on😂. Has zero class, materialistic and believes what you wear, drive and where you live, who you know IS what is important and therefore makes you better than everyone else. 😳
Thankfully he kept telling me I was crazy. I went to several drs trying to get them to "fix" me. After some time (probably a year) with one dr., he told me one word that changed my life.... gaslighting.
That dr. saved my life.
Dawn Love a friend improved my life with one word, "people addition".
My narcs favorite
movie WAS "Gaslight"!
Good for you! Very glad you met the RIGHT doctor as many professionals do not recognize this.
Happy for u
Dawn Love ...right ! They lie and play games in order to make you look crazy ...which is the farthest from the truth for most !
Look out for the brain fog after an argument has ended - if you can barely remember what the argument was about LITERALLY minutes after it's finished, that's a huge red flag. It means they've run circles around your brain to the point where you didn't know what to focus on so much so that you've forgotten.
spookyruthy Me! Last week!!!
I'm still trying to figure out what the hell happened!!!!!!!!
You won't work it out, your brain will shut it all out because I can bet it was pretty horrible, and you felt horrible afterwards. The brain will do a little self-clean to protect you.
All I can say is that it's a big red flag and please pay attention to it when you think it's happening again. Whatever causes the argument, try to stay on topic of whatever it is (let's use an example of the washing up not getting done) and then if there's any attempts at deflection or bringing up old arguments, try to bring it back to the original point, don't engage with arguments long dead or attempts at side-lining the issue
E.g "I just want you to have some initiative when it comes to housework, it feels as if you don't care about the house when you let these things pile up when I do it every day"
"And you don't think I have things to deal with every day too that you don't help with?"
"We can come to those after we come up with a solution to do with the washing up"
"Here we go again, it's all about your problems, you don't want to spend a second thinking about the things I need to do!"
"I would like us to tackle these things one at a time, and I would like us to start with the issue at hand here, which is the washing up"
"It's not all about you and the washing up! There are other things, you think your needs are more important than mine!"
"I would like to come to solutions one at a time. If you're not willing to focus on these things one at a time, then I'm not going to have this conversation with you" etc etc etc
Just be aware when they're trying to do this - they use it as control as a way to get upset with you so they can blow up at you and then you will beg and cry and they get the reaction they want. Take the control back - as you can see above, you're not being unreasonable if you take this approach. Try to remain calm and if they start escalating, bug out of the conversation. Look up JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain - don't do any of these in the face of a narcissist because they'll use these things to wrap you up with.
Good luck!
Yes exactly.....they're masters at that omg!
Record conversations. Replay them. Listen to the stuff they say and learn their patterns. If you can, tiptoe away from the relationship quietly.
spookyruthy this just happened to me. I had to buy a tape recorder to trace arguments back to the origin- always me, NOT!!, go figure- and make lists and then literally pull them out to reproach the situation during the next scheduled drama, which probably did make me look crazy, but when I was able to sort it out with evidence, they no longer could make me believe their arguments were sound... just silence in response to my logical reasoning. Love it.
fake emotions too! i remember noticing his fake crying when telling me how much he loved me, it was the strangest thing, desperate to manipulate.
Charlie Fox ah fake crying is so creepy:
It makes you feel like a monster when you’re unaware because you think, why is this human crying but I genuinely feel nothing for it.
He literally grabbed my arm tightly in a fetal position and started sobbing to get me to feel for him.
My being was so repulsed I felt horrible
That’s cray. When discarding the narc husband tells me sobbin that your the best wife ever but I am a lone wolf a gypsy, u need to let me go which I did despite being broken in half , he came back 14 months later saying how come u never called me? I don’t know why I did what I did but I want my wife back. He said am sorry I cheated but I don’t care about her just thought it would be cool to travel with a chick, it won’t happen again, 2 days later he says u liked a pic of ur ex in 2017? So ur an emotional cheat and I can’t trust u blocked me on instagram , put pics of him on insta having a beautiful valentines with someone who cares. He calls me a month later saying he will file for divorce I said as u wish , he says next day he wants to wait. Didn’t ask why. Then the virus happened so he can’t travel to meet his new supply in Cali. He sent me a msg asking me to look for a job when am quarantined as he doesn’t want me to apply for insurance, luckily for me my company retained us so I don’t have to depend on him. I let him know I’ll be fine, he sends me a msg let me know if u need anything I am here for you. Like wtf
Sançia Anderson
They are emotional roller coasters!
Our job is to cut that shit off.
I realized (after 2 years) that the shit won’t end.
There’s always something.
However hurtful your situation is, grey-rock him and move on!
Sooner is way better with these personalities
Oh my god my ex would cry all the time it was ridiculous. So dramatic
🙈
Covert narcissist are emotionally stunted, emotionally immature
emotional and spiritual toddlers
Aren't they both? They just manifest different behaviors.
It has nothing to do with maturity. You people seem to think maturity is some simple objective term
Summary point is they are weak, they are bullies. That's one good thing to hold on to while engaged with one...their inadequacy necessitates the manipulation, their inadequacy defines them. By definition, that makes you automatically stronger than they are.
shatteredsquare believe me some of us aren’t weak. Nobody’s inadequacies define them, I don’t go around saying “oh that woman has cancer, she is defined by that cancer” no, also some of us aren’t bullies, some of us just want to be left alone and not judged at all.
Covert narcissists do apologise in my experience, however not for their behaviour which they continue to deny, minimise and negate. They apologise for the way in which you have misinterpreted their behaviour. Their aim is to persuade you that they are being reasonable and culpable and you are overreacting. Next they will turn the tables, declare themself the victim of your attack and punish you using silence, freezing out and emotional witholding thus hurting you again.
Very true. My wife found her high school boyfriend online. Started a relationship with him. When I found out she told her family I am controlling with a temper.
Yes, I agree. They will apologies. Just to placate you. But they don't regret hurting you and really think you are making a fuss for no reason. They will apologize so they can move ahead with their plan on how to use you, especially in the early stages of relationship.
EDIT: not that they think that you are making a fuss for no reason, but they will gaslight you here, pretending that you are the unreasonable one but secretly they are delighted that their put downs veiled as "jokes" are really working. They are not happy that you are not being a good sport staying still and letting them kick you in the stomach while you are down.
@P. Chretien Usually, as it was in my case, I didn't want to take put downs and name calling (verbal and psychological abuse) disguised as "jokes". Or should I say I did a few times until a pattern emerged. Most people don't want be seen as difficult and create conflict so they let it slide. I don't and confronted him about it. I got an apology (proper one) but he walked back on the whole thing later basically saying how I was exaggerating and he "didn't mean it that way". And this what a lot of people don't understand is that intention is irrelevant. I try to use an allergy analogy to try to make my point. For example, seafood is delicious and some people love seafood. But some people are allergic and it can kill them so you don't feed those people seafood...Anyways, I should listen to my own advice. And my gut feeling. In this particular case I did not and just ended up more hurt because he discovered more things about me he used as ammunition. A lot of them "jokingly" and through "humour".
Exactly!..."I'm sorry......you're so stupid." No empathy, humility or compassion.
@@caseydewald2926 "I'm sorry your feelings were hurt"...
Hmm ok..."Are you sorry for what you said???"...
"HELL NO!!!"
You're not wanting to
Believe you've been
Played . And the hardest thing is
You have to realize
They never cared ?
I was angry with myself for years for marrying someone like that. But I had to forgive myself for it and do something about it. I built my courage back up and got myself together. And got rid of him. I'm surrounded by an awesome circle of supporters now. Forgiving yourself and believing you are worth good and valuable is key.
Agreed... The only peace I found was also accepting: They never can nor could love..
Oh yeah.
20 years...meant nothing.
Yep!!!
OMG your comment is exactly what I went through starting to put my life back together hope u have been able to do that
This is all spot on. The covert who abused me was a "pillar of the community." He loved being seen as the "white knight." Guess what he did behind closed doors? He complained incessantly about the very same people he was helping and had zero empathy for them. It was SO STRANGE. He even complained about his closest "friends." I never have seen someone so negative in my life. I had to go to a psychologist to deal with this because I had no idea what was happening because it was so CONFUSING. He constantly told sob stories, was very down to earth, and would even cry. He appeared very caring and was extremely adept at the love bombing stage. Later, I started seeing very bizarre behaviors emerge that I could no longer ignore. You never knew who you were going to deal with from day to day. On the bad days, he was extremely arrogant, dismissive, abusive and would use the silent treatment. It is like dealing with someone with two personalities. One day, he completely lost it on me over something extremely minor and that was it. I could not take it anymore. I have never seen an adult man behave that way in my life. He had a complete meltdown/rage event and I was done. Run. Do not walk. Do not let them back in. They are skilled manipulators and they do not care if they hurt you.
Your story is also mine..
They are devils, I think. In five years, he was giving mini deaths to my heart. I never understood that every interaction with them is a lie and constantly manipulating. They enjoy it I feel. They like to play with people’s heart and mind. It boosts their ego and self esteem.
Or slowly kill you. The stress created by these sick people can be immensely dangerous and harmful. Value your own life and forget about serving and pleasing theirs.
My story as well. The negativism nearly killed me.
My current roommate is like this. I’ve seen narcissism before so I knew what it looked like but it took me a while to see the patterns with her
When I was with a covert narc I felt incredibly guilty like ALL the time. Yes, they use guilt big time so they can put their emotional baggage onto you.
Wow same here...with Dad.
So true!!!
So you have found a way to heal as a covert narcissist?
What are you talking about? You used to be a narcissist? We are all told over and over that it is near impossible to heal from this. What trauma caused your issue? What do you think healed you? Are you saying there is hope?
My sister apparently owns stock in guilting and shaming me. Ever since I was 3 or 4. It had a major impact on my whole life.
It's scary when they throw a fit when told no.
Cassi Bales I know slamming doors, throwing things crying etc it's crazy literally an adult temper tantrum
+Furbyem, agree! Hang up the phone a thousand times on me, doors slamming, I was thrown a remote control (and other objects at hand), months of cold shoulder and many other things. Worse was leaving to other state with my kids after I left, that sucked.
After a serious medical crisis that my mother had, she wasn't taking care of herself. During the course of a discussion about her health and independence, I told her that if she got sick again, my husband and I would not be able to care for her in her home again because it was intolerable for us to have daily contact with my brother. I went on to say that she would always be welcome in our home if she needed us. She literally went nuts. She demanded that I take her home, which I did. She got out and slammed the car door. And, the next time I saw her, I noticed that a Brahmin purse I had gifted to her had white stains all over it. I think she poured bleach on it. I attempted to talk to her rationally about things and she ordered me out of her house and threatened to call the police...all because, for the first time in my 53 years of living, I had the audacity to set a boundary. These people are nuts.
The Jekyll and Hyde effect is truly terrifying. When they get their way they can be like a bouncy, happy toddler. When told no or called out on their bad behavior or something else happens to upset them.....they turn into what I've come to call "the monster." Their rage is terrifying, they start screaming and ranting and raving, they spew poison, they say horrible things to you about yourself. Then the second they get what they want, they immediately wink back into the happy toddler. And they seem to remember nothing they said or did when they were "the monster" like it's disassociative split personality disorder or something. They can't even figure out why you're depressed or mad at them, even if the incident only happened a few hours ago. It only gets worse when drugs get involved. I think my Dad used them to "chain the monster" so to speak, but any drug is expensive, and when he couldn't dredge up the money to keep himself supplied....whoo boy, look out. I blame a lot of the deprivation and poverty of my childhood on his constant need to pour money into the drug fund to pacify the monster. I think he often put it above things we needed, like money for food, bills, and clothes. The rest of the family also got aggravated with the fact that he way borrowed from them all the time. And yet they complained only to me about it while never confronting him, and even seemed to blame me for it. "If you weren't here, we wouldn't have to give him all this money." Even if they don't say this directly (and sometimes they came very close to that), as a child you can just sort of sense it. I have a lot of issues with shame and self deprivation because of this, not to mention anxiety and depression. I wish people would get their emotional shit worked out before they try to take on the role of parent. And not have kids for ulterior motives. For my Dad, agreeing to have a child with her was the only way he could glom onto my mom, who he'd been unsuccessfully chasing for years. Then it turned out he was the only man left hanging around when she wanted to have a child, and she got stuck with him. I think she always resented that. As for my mom's reasons, I think she was just one of those women who reaches middle age without accomplishing much, and thinks having a baby will wash away all her failed hopes and lack of direction in life. Neither are good reasons for having a child. I'll never find out what kind of parent she would have made, because she died of sudden health complications while I was still in the womb, and the doctors barely saved me. That left my dad in the position of single parent, one he was woefully unprepared for on an emotional level. I guess I could have gotten stuck with worse. At least he was sort of okay when he wasn't hulking out. Sorry for rambling, I just felt the need for a detailed example.
We are totally products of our childhood experience. Our society has some really f'd up priorities. I mean, we need a license to go fishing for God's sake. But, anybody is free to procreate at will. Some people just aren't cut out to be parents.
covert narcissist will apologize but it will be a hollow one.......they will guilt trip you twenty or two hundred times a day......your empathy and compassion is their strength....they are manipulative and self centered and will lie to your face while maintaining a morally superior to you facade.
extreme passive aggression is their forte.
they will keep trying to get your attention..... again and again and again.
This is hard to hear about my empathy and compassion being their strength, but it's true because I've been used by my ex for him to gain his self-esteem, and then I was dropped. However, he still contacts me because he knows I'm a nice person and it helps boost him when his life isn't going so great. When he gets narcissistic supply from others and accomplishes his goals, I'm no where in his thoughts.
He's very much a covert narcissist and also a borderline who was meek and always the victim until he'd fly off the handle in some way or exhibit some form of control over me daily. It just took a long time to come to terms with his overt ways because he was more often covert and manipulative/gaslighting about things. The longer time that happens, it takes more time to heal, and I'm still not healed from the abuse. I suppose one reason is that he isn't changing at all, and it's hard to be the only one who sees it, but that's the disorder for you. I just have to move on from him.
You will be fine, I promise. Just stay away from this man, others will see through him, sadly that takes time too.
Thank you for your thoughtful words of encouragement, Hector.
Spot on
It took me until I was 52 years of age to realize wtf I’ve been dealing with for 24 years. I married a covert narcissist at 26, a single mom, vulnerable and swept off my feet. Years later, once I finished school, established a career and became more independent and confident, the mocking, belittling and complete emotional detachment and silent treatment began. I put up with it thinking it’s my fault and rationalizing..thinking at least he didn’t beat me or cheat on me or go to the bars..he was still a good man, just depressed. I ignored the exhausting gaslighting and his entitlement and was in such a state of depression for the last 3 years. I lost myself and had nothing left to give. Then he turned mean and full of contempt and angry over the smallest things. I finally left him and everything I owned and help build over these last 25 years in March. We were simply polite roommates at best, and couldn’t even have a conversation. After I served him divorce papers, he flipped out, made himself into a victim and has a new , younger woman already moved in. When I left, I was an anxious train wreck. I have a lot of recovery to do but now I have stopped blaming myself and understand wtf I’ve been dealing with. He’s a phony and everyone thinks he’s the nicest guy..always helping a neighbor, but it was for applause. He’s a racist and a miserable human being. Good riddance.
My story mirrors yours, so many similar circumstances. Glad you were able to get out.
30 years for me, ridiculed and belittled, last 5 years, if not trashing on me, it's been the silent treatment, and that's what finally drove me to snap.
My story is so similar to yours it's crazy!
Thought he was 'depressed' but now I honestly it's the strangest case of depression I've ever seen.
Finally left 6 weeks ago, right after I found out the truth; he's a covert/vulnerable/passive aggressive narcissist!!
Thanks for giving me hope!!!
This is guilt trapping. And I experienced it myself with my ex. Same narrative 'he, the depressive little shy and droll man'. Who dares to argue with a depressive person? Who dares to enforce his own needs towards such a person? Who dares to seperate from a person in this obvious miserable state? This is the ultimative manipulation. We were trapped! I suffered from PTSD because of being abused and feeling sorry for him at the same time. This drives people crazy. It's a totally surreal situation.
He also used the silent treatment strategy to control me. He lied, devalued and belittled me, my friends and my family. He acted out like a total lunatic, a pure antisocial in order to implement a maximum distance. He ran away several times, I never knew if we are still together or not. He was moody, passive-aggressive and grumpy all the time!! It sucked all my energy, especially living in this constant cognitive dissonance. Felt so wrong, everything felt just so wrong.
Glad that you both also got out there. How is recovery going after so many years?
@@alicewonderland8027 well it's been interesting! Will be 2 years divorced in March 2022. He's moved hone with his mother and took the new supply. Remarried. I bought a dog and a house and 10 acres. I keep very busy in Alaska..kids and grandkids. Took up old hobbies I left behind when I married life guitar and horses. I'm finally finding me again. I still cry when I think about it..it's raw. I feel like I wasted half my life and I'm angry but much better than I was in March of 2020. Dating not for me. I have some serious trust issues.
@@BC-dm5bi It's good to hear that you find your back to yourself. I fully understand that you have trust issues, I avoid dating as well. Even if it's tempting, don't think you wasted half of your life. If you finally find yourself and live in peace for the rest of your life it was worth it! Look what you already achieved within this toxic relationship, you finished school. Maybe you want to study in the future or learn something new!? Now you can invest your whole energy in you.
I myself went to therapy and began the first time of my life to learn what are or could be my bounderies. I blocked some other narcissistic or at least selfish people in my sphere, because now I see it all cristal clear. I quit smoking after the separation because of avoiding any kind of addiction (his hot-cold-behavior made me addictive, so I learn how to control myself right now). Maybe we should say to ourselves "no gain without pain".
That's a big one,the covert one makes you feel YOU are the narcissist!
Adnan Maruf True
indeed.they know how to get you to question your own good nature...identity erosion.
jen holleran that's exactly right. I would lay awake all night wondering where I went LOL. Still looking after 3 years living alone.
Adnan Maruf RIGHT MY MOMS EX USED TO CALL HER A NARC WE ESCAPED YESTERDAY!!!
I think I've become a narc. Can a person start to take on the narcissists behaviors. I knew I was in trouble when I said "you know you never say you're sorry " his answer was, I will when ever I'm wrong and I'm never wrong.
They are revengeful and sneaky about it. You don't find out about it until later on.
Yep. Lot of holding grudges. Something will happen and they'll say it's perfectly fine and doesn't bother them in the least, only to bring it up months later as an example of how terrible you are or how you never cared at all.
@Ian M omg same boat here! I think she just wants me to vaporize and disappear!
Sansuwellness i couldn’t believe that someone could treat people the way my female covert narcissist treat me! It left me with no closure and deep feelings of guilt and shame at allowing myself to be manipulated so easily and this made me go about trying to get some revenge by exposing her to people she knew. Do you think I can expect some comeback?
Exactly!
Or they will say s#it like, "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I guess it's too much to ask that you trust me the way I trust you." Never accepting responsibility for what they've done that's brought you to tears, and when you're struggling to find a way to get them to act like a person and show remorse for whatever awful thing they've done, they have a scary way of watching you break down whilst remaining totally dead behind the eyes and completely unfazed that you're heart is breaking because of something they did to you. The COMPLETE LACK of empathy and remorse is something I physically can't comprehend as how that's even possible. That's some Twilight Zone bulls#it or something evil right there. Like FOR REAL!
Yup yup my boss is a total narcissist. He is constantly saying "I'm sorry you feel that way". I work like 60 hours a week and don't get me wrong I get paid well but he works about 37 hours a week. When we are at work I have 10x the responsibility he has and work 100x harder than he does. Perfect example is today. I just worked 16 days straight this is physical and mental work not some office job typing emails and filling in spreadsheets all day. The amount of work I have is ridiculous while he spends half his time browsing the internet and never lifting a finger to help anybody. So I got to work at 6am today and was balls to the wall right off the bat and he came strolling in at 8:45 and sat at his desk for 2 hours staring at his PC like a worthless slug. Now I am also dealing with a monster toothache the last few days so I was in a pissy mood and decided I'm gonna take a half day today. He finally came strolling into the warehouse to talk to me and I was mildly complaining about the ten thousand things I've had to get done the last 2 weeks while pretty bluntly hinting at him to give me a hand instead of doing nothing. He kind of rolled his eyes and says those magic words "I'm sorry you feel that way". What that means to me is the mountain of work I have or the 20 hours overtime a week isnt the problem. The problem is that I'm complaining about it lol. He is such a narcissistic douchebag. The thing is I have him by the balls. I remind him all the time that the company we work for is worldwide with like 8,000 employees and he is just a drop in the bucket like the rest of us. He seems to think that he owns the company and says things like "what am I paying that person for"? Or "I'm helping that person out by letting them use their vacation time". I dont hold back and respond with "you aren't paying them shit dude, you dont sign their checks nor do you have any say about their pay" or "it is THEIR vacation time given to them by the company NOT YOU, so it isnt up to you to tell people if they are allowed to use THEIR vacation time". I've called him the vacation nazi more than once. I'll say "do you think you have everyone's vacation time in a Mason jar behind your desk and they can only have it if you let them?" Its not yours to give buddy, people aren't asking permission they are simply telling you when they are taking a vacation time and it's not even up to you to let them have it or not....freaking idiot. I can talk shit to him because he is so scared that if I quit or got fired all my responsibility will be on him and he knows he cant do what I do. Now I'm pretty tight with his boss and his bosses boss but he tries to convince them I have a "temper problem". Basically if you ever disagree with him you have a "temper" problem which i consider a narcissistic trait. He is all about keeping his cool after pissing someone off and then if they get fired up he thinks that proves they are in the wrong and he in the right. The example i use (and I tell this to everyone so they are not trapped by his bullshit) is: You are walking down the street and he is walking towards you. There is a police officer standing nearby. As you pass eachother my boss says "your mother is a whore". You stop and say with a raised voice "what the fuck did you say about my mother?". Then he says in a calm voice "what? All I said was your mother is a whore". You start yelling at him the police officer comes over to see what the problem is. Boss man be like "look how mad he is and how loud he is talking while I'm calm and collective so obviously I'm not the problem". You see to me that is full blown narcissism. I'm not joking in the slightest. He will say things that can send you in a whirlwind of anger but he honestly thinks if he doesnt yell or get visibly angry that what he said or did isnt the problem its YOU taking offense to it that's the issue. Total douchebagery. The good thing is once he figures out that you are smarter than him and he realizes that he cant manipulate you or you call him out on it every time he will leave you alone. So whenever a new employer starts if give them the full skinny on the boss and hope they have the sack to stand up for themselves.
Yes. Mine would use word salad when I called him out on his behaviour. I was careful to say things like...when you do this I feel that. His response became...well you are responsible for your feelings...or I would say 'it looks to me like you are....' and he would say dont tell me what Im feeling/thinking...he would NEVER address the terrible behaviour, he would create a distraction over my grammar or unimportant details.
Wow. Wakeup call. My boyfriend said that exact thing to me last night. "I guess its too much to ask that you trust me the way I trust you." fuck.
Spot on
My ex-husband would say "I'm sorry but you made me ...."
When your gut feeling tells you something is wrong but you don't know what it is.....Number one red flag!......Stunted emotional developement...they behave like 2 yr olds..red flag number 2.! Circular arguing....you argue and come back around to the beginning with no understanding of what your arguing about...red flag number 3!
When your always asked or encouraged to reveal your inner secrets...red flag number 4!
When day to day life revolves around them with lots of drama...red flag number 5!
When your being accused of something that you have not done ie; adultery they are projecting their own guilt onto you...red flag number 6!
Dang my girls checking all these boxes
Pillar of community IS red flag!! Never have I been surrounded by so many narcissists as in the non-profit world!
Pugeonlvbrd WOW! What a telling comment. This goes so deep it spins my head. Thank you for your service to humankind. I pray you have the comforter and peace that passes all understanding.
🙈🎯🙈🎯🙈🎯🙈🎯🙈
Me too! Wasted ten whole years till my health almost collapsed. Only then I had to make a decision to live or to die. I am here, 15 years later and getting my life back.
Most Non-profits are mafia fronts.
I am new to the non-profit world and am realizing this quickly. Other places I have worked that have had high levels of narcissism: school/universities and social services
A real danger is to obsess on learning what's happened to you and researching everything about narcissistic abuse. OK figure it out then let it go and move on. Becoming an amateur psychologist is keeping you connected to your abuser. Laugh, have fun, go for your dreams, make your life an exciting adventure. Your happiness is your victory...
I think some of us feel like we need to continue research to "keep on our toes" so we don't get suckered again :) (or lose another $20,000 etc)
@@robnation2475 Yes!
❤💎❤
yes, your best revenge is, if you leave them and thrive :-)
Yes finally that is the best advice ever given!! 👏💝
I know a shy narcissist who does apologize, but the apologies are done in a vague, sad puppy, "please don't be mad at me" kind of way. They go something like this: "I'm sorry for whatever it is I did to make you mad. I don't know what it is but I apologize anyway." The "apologies" are meant more to feel out whether the other person is angry and to put on a display of submission to elicit pity and to make the other person stop confronting him about his behavior, or at least that's what my gut says.
Yes! And they apologize to get you to stop questioning them or stop being upset about whatever bad thing they did.
OMG LOL have you dated mine??? It sounds exactly the same! Down to the "sad puppy" bs.
That's ext how my husband "apologizes" to me
Exactly*
I have an ex that did that to me, too. I'm sorry I'm sorry I don't think I did anything wrong but I am sorry anyway, I'm sorry for whatever I did. He might be a covert narcissist. Not an extreme case but some really strong tendencies that way. Everything wrong was somebody else's fault. He was miserable All. The. Time. No matter what!
This content is helpful for people with narcissistic tendencies too. I learned a LOT of really toxic behaviors from one of my parents, and it really helps to examine it so I don't end up unintentionally repeating the same toxic behaviors.
Hiya! It's so lovely to read this as it shows how strong and ethical you are and committed to your own spiritual growth 💕 may God continue to make it easy for you
It really helps when you actually don’t wish to harm or take advantage of people.
i've made selfish mistakes in my life and felt like i acted in narcissistic or unreasonable ways when i was younger. it was at a time when i was around less than great people, and had reason to believe that i was being lied to, and felt manipulated by them. and it's no excuse. i hate myself for making these mistakes. but then life gave me karma through a shitty, narcissistic, and likely sociopathic roommate. the one thing i realized is this: he likely learned it and picked it up from bad family and bad friends growing up. (or at least thats how his stories make it seem.) when you're around bad people, it'll change you and make you think that *you* should be like that. it's a disease.
"They're split, and they're fighting their split." Brilliant. Entitled and simultaneously deeply ashamed at their own BS and conflicted....
Pillar of the community is a HUGE RED FLAG. I have found it true 100 percent.
The narcs i know that match that are all overt. My covert ex feels entitled to run the world, but wants no attention. Overts you see in public office, the media, policing, for a reason; they are respect and glory seeking attention whores.
I think why the therapists are fooled by the narcissists is because when they come in, even as a couple, the therapists sees a happy cheerful narcissist and their partner just being down, head down, looking down, looking exhausted, and they go ah, there's the problem. They're depressed, they're this, they're that. Mega manipulators these narcissists are. They'll run you down into the grave with the stress they put on your shoulders.
Very astute observation.
I agree! For over 20 years my ex and I went to therapists and psychologists and this is “exactly” what happened to me. Only in my own therapy after all those years was I able to figure this out. Rant you are so right!
Therapists often become enablers and victim abusers. Who is going to present as happy...the spider or the fly??! Stupid therapist! If you can't do any good, at least do no harm.
Then the therapist is a fool. The are supposed to know the dynamics of a narc. Narcs pretend.
Rant Therapist Yep.. and then blame you for it
Being a “pillar of the community” is absolutely a huge red flag. Communal narcissists are an epidemic out there.
The twenty signs, with timings, and the "signs" described.
3:35 The SHY Narcissist is self entitled, "rights", stressed, ...
1 3:58 Any suspicion of narcissism
2 9:10 Not a typical narcissist
3 11:10 Anxious, fretful, sobbing
4 13:42 Sneaky grandiose fantasies
5 14:31 Know that projected image is false
6 17:18 Arrogant, no apologies
7 18:12 Not confident, self-pity, isolation
8 18:20 Projected as "rescuer", good person
9 20:10 Guilt tripping
10 22:08 Extremely self centred, poor ego boundaries
11 24:01 Hypersensitive to criticism
12 25:33 Victim mentality
13 26:48 Project securities, defects onto partner
, inverted narcissism
14 29:29 Perfect childhood claimed
15 30:01 Ostensibly shy humble, rage, bitter,
16 32:42 Generally dysfunctional
17 34:16 Tendency to depression, pessimistic
18 34:55 Feels under appreciated
19 36:56 Tell lies; much shame; not admit fault
20 40:14 Target of narcissist is craziness
The "signs" above describe resemble the psychology of over-schooled persons. Helicopter parenting prevents the development of peer-to-peer social skills.
In my East Asian heritage, it is called "TIGER PARENTING". Over-supervision, lack of self-learning and lack spontaneous peer negotiation creates these SHY NARCISSISTS, in my opinion.
Thanks for all the efforts..also interesting 're tiger parenting.
Good, but what about strategies to deal with them? I saw one where you tell them they're entitled to their different opinion. Completely shocked to get an apology message from them after that - which never happens (though they still went on some rage later in evening). So there are strategies to deal with them. Any ideas or literature?
Thank you. I am glad I am not a covert narcissist.
@@defiverr4697 yes, me too. Tbh tho.after uncovering yet another person close to me that was a covert narcissist. I kinda lost touch with myself and thought"hey maybe its me"? That's the effect these "people" andi use that term loosely,can have upon a person dealing with them. All the best!
Agreed OP
Tiger parenting and the issues that create it.
Thank you for putting this into the videos context.
I wonder, often, if we all just tossed everyone we thought was a nars, how many people would be left to date in the planet. This is a cultural issue. We are breeding this things as a society. And therefore someone somewhere needs to heal or fight thru it. I think. I’ll, I think there’s a huge difference between overt ones who do it on freaking purpose verses these guys who r broken inside. So broken.
They never really were with us. Their ability to create the illusion of love only works on those of us who have some self-love deficit. Mark B.
I don't agree with that at all.
I agree with this. They are the best teachers of self-love out there. If they don't break us entirely in the meantime. They are very cruel teachers, but teachers nonetheless.
Yes. Mine was searching for what he called something dark and evil inside of him that he couldn't identify.
They can be totally unself-aware.
@@powerhouse2024 Excellent way to look at it - We are better able to love & will avoid these traps in the future.
@@powerhouse2024 in a way who has the responsibility here. Like you say, they do you a favour in the end. I hate to admit but I grew out of my experience with a so called narc and I feel better for it and have to say, he was only being himself. True to his nature. As was I. We were both culpable and innocent at the same time. Its a learning experience as you say
They expect you to read there mind
And punish you if you didnt jump when they thought jump.
Mind gamers
Yep
Thank goodness we can’t, it’s hell in there!
@blah lol😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂you comment is funny
Yes!! They only communicate things for pity
As you said: when these narcissists think that they are entitled and superior but at the same time feel inferior it's their conscience reminding them that they are lying to themselves
Nice point
exactly!
The covert narcissist is so evil that they can be "interesting" in their own twisted way. You can become mesmerised by their awkward and manipulating stunts. RUN!
🎯🎯🎯
My husband always calls me crazy when i would call him out on the evidence of bs. He would gaslight and twist my words,even mix parts of information i found on him, and twist what i said to confuse me,throw me off and ultimately discredit me and deflect the guilt.
Same.
John Miller Classic narc behavior
Wife does this a lot over the most mundane bland simple things extrapolating weird ideas in indirect ways in 10 directions in 3 minutes expecting me to know all answers and answer their way or I'm etc etc etc. I respond back with screen shots of past chats and use 🤷🏻🤔👆😘🙃🥴🤦🏻♂️ emojies. It confuses her and makes it hard to deny things or reflect anymore because she feels flat dumb. Narcs do gas out. They need sleep and food.
Five feet, two inches, that's how tall she is. I am 5'8 and have been boxer and brawler all my life. And after three years of being in relationship with her, I was the one twitching even at the slightest contact of someone. Anxiety that I felt was enthralling, my internal danger radar was turned upside down. I was scared all the time, and the only thing that even slightly soothed me was her calm voice and how everything's ganna be all right. I didn't realize I was just another piggy, being ready to be slaughtered, until I just snapped after finding out her hideous truths. Even after I showed how fucked up her lies were, she still lied, and since my brain was fractured, I believed her, but I knew it was wrong, and despite all my head splitting aches, I kept on pushing for truth. Until she blocked me and left. Three weeks later she returned saying that she misses me and can't live without me. I asked her if that's the truth then why did she cheat, why did she betray, and why did she abandon me? She said she didn't, and then said that some day she would want to come back to me and shack up with me. I told her, why some day? Why not now? And she said it's because she is not the right person for me right now. I told her to leave and never come back and blocked her and made sure she knew that i knew what she was. All the memories of her are haunting me, I break down twice a day wondering how can she actually be so malign and fucked up. She used to make sure that I knew that I was replaceable, while she was my entire world. My world is of course broken while she is with someone else. But i don't care anymore. I am all alone, but it's okay, i am better being alone than with her.,
stay strong fella. ive just read this and brings back every memory, and time phase all the flashbacks, the more you read and understand the story the more youll heal, but don't let it take over your life, get out there and do your thing.
abhijeet bharguv Stay strong ..you are better alone. Everyday...things will get better
I went through this exact scenario, I knew things were headed downwards when her cheating became too obvious, it got to the point where even during good times, knowing she was coming around made my stomach turn into a knot. I ended up trusting my gut by leaving and am proud I did, found out she has a few other guys being strung along with the promise of ‘maybe’
abhijeet bharguv be strong and don’t listen to her BS anymore. It’s hard when u care for a person like that. But care for yourself and you’ll find someone better who will treat you right too
Wow buddy that is actually almost exactly what I went though. Almost to the T, she blocked me now so I'm not worried about it. I just kept saying that she was lying and I think it got to her.. I don't know why I always flinched around her all the time. She only hit me once actually. But still a part of me feels sorry for her. But you can't change them. It's crazy to me. It's crazy that they won't change just run from everything.
When you have lived it, these insights are eerily accurate! Your point about them mimicking normal human responses from films/media is so spot on! I remember saying to her one time that she sounded like she was merely spewing lines from a soap opera. They are such a weird, dysfunctional creature!
Mine likes to quote song lyrics dramatically.
What’s even more confusing is that the lines are mostly unrelated to the conversation.
I was drawn back by the un relatability to even continue the arguments
It is perplexing how they’re so alike 🤔 very interesting
It's as if there is a narc instructional booklet out there that they've all studied and applied. 😒
So, that's why she is watching soup opera all the time!
@@Lumirel 😂
Covert Narcissist = Shy Narcissist... OH MY GOODNESS this is BRILLIANT!!!
I never realized there were so many different types of narcissists...and i think i have just realized that a single family can be made up entirely of narcissists
Yes that was my family of origin my mother is both covert and overt so you never knew what you were going to get I became extremely co dependent it still is a struggle even though I got help for it
Now thats a Netflix show I'd watch.
Yessss indeedy
yep, mine was
Yes the family unit becomes a bit like a cult with the narc the leader and then all their little helpers, the enablers, etc. I think there's a youtube vid on it somewhere
You are so funny!! 😂 My heart is broken and I’m so sad about leaving my narcissist, but I’m so happy watching your videos! Lol you are a blessing! God definitely intended for this to be your profession. You’re so good at it! Thank you!
Thankyou Marissa :)
Very insightful analysis, you really covered most traits. I would add the use of tactics such as withholding affection and using the silent treatment are also a telltale sign. When confronted, denial shows up with defensive claims such as: "I am just a simple guy" and "90 percent of the time you are the one starting arguments" and "believe me, it was not my intention". Very insidious and will make you question your sanity and guilt trip you for having needs. Thanks for educating more people on this topic
Exactly
I am in the process of healing, after an almost 4 year relationship with a covert narc. He ended things w/ me via text a few weeks ago, because he said I wasn’t loving him the way he needed to be loved. Then, he called me 4 days after breaking up with me, suggesting we stay friends. I said no.
My anxiety and paranoia became so bad in our relationship, I thought I was losing my mind. NOW, I see this ending was a blessing.
No empathy or compassion. Apologies were always, “I’m sorry, BUT you...” I’m taking this as a learning experience.
kattoo13 i hope i heal too but hope my kid is also not learning these
Oh my that’s the same thing mines did to me. Now I’m dealing with so much anxiety
I can't believe how similar they all think, mine did something like this too. The breaking up via text, suggesting we stayed friends, they're really the same
You dodged a bullet..good on you that you figured the narc out early on..I was married to one for 13 years before I figured it out..there was no You Tube help though. I have never felt happier when that he'll ended. They NEVER appologise, my ex always took credit for everything, had to always look like the hero or good guy, ..shy and simple man is how he acted but treated me and kids like garbage, blamed me for EVERYTHING, emotionally unavailable, selfish in the extreme. Gambling addiction, Did stuff for everyone but kids or me,everyone thought he was such a great guy, giving his time to others, being helpful but always at expense of kids and myself..I had to work fulltime, keep spotless house, raise kids myself, all shopping and cooking and clean up, organize all family celebration and do all the work by myself all the while having zero time for myself. Always picking up his slack or absentism, being both mother and father, so when occassion came up, it was all on me to squeeze into my already stretched-thin work week. Exhausted all the time, but HE took credit for EVERYTHING, ie. Well-raised kids, acted like it was his doing, spotless house, acted like his doing, nice family function and meal etc. Acted like he did it or most of it..took all compliments for himself , never once thanked me or gave any indication as to how hard I worked. I was constantly run ragged doing everything. He blamed me for everything. Never a compliment or praise, emotionally unavailable and often physically unavailable. So, I'd say you dodged the bullet early on, good for you!!!
You just relayed my story!!! I’m going through this exact thing. Wondering if something is wrong with me!
I wish you peace & a future healthy relationship!!!
They have NO coping skills with life...they are emotionally stunted (immature)....
That wouldn't be that much of a trouble IF they had at least some actual ambition to obtain such skills. But the fact is most of them don't (no matter how hard they try to convince you (and even themselves probably in some cases) that they are willing to change and become more mature; and of course they simply don't care that since you believe them, you continue to lay yourself out to help them move in this direction).
But we are watching, always, watching.
@@seanwold8173 youre a covert narc?
@@dasein9980 Maybe.
MGTOWYAXLEY Make her hit herself. 😆
I can not believe how much I deny to myself that my husband is a covert narcissist. He has me sooo confused. 18 years of confusion. You sir have really made me 100 percent sure! Ty. Sad really because I have thought for a really long time that I was the problem. Always feeling guilty, always giving. My husband is a nurse! To all he is amazing kind and gentile. To me he is selfish, belittling, controlling, manipulating.
This guy is one of my favorite students of narcissism. He's funny and smart, and really breaks down narcissim in a way we can all understand. I hope he keeps making educational videos! He has helped me a lot. Thank you from California!
It is really hard to watch your videos quietly. You are hilarious . I have never laughed so much about toxic people before. It feels good.
Omg sameee I’m living with a narcissist and a covert narcissist while listening to this around them with my headphones on lol. It made me laugh and they arnt used to seeing me express much emotion around them latley so they are like wtf
I laughed too...We are in the middle of splitting and I am dying from the addiction to him in my cells so it was so good to laugh about what a shi** he is!! Haha! I'm almost free...13 years! I'm almost free!
@@oliviapendergast1 WGTOW
Lol I'm watching it quietly too right now.
I just divorced a covert narci. He nearly drove me CRAZY! His big thing was cheating and lying. Being a "rescuer" or helping others so that he could project an image was also big with him. But there's one thing I would add to that; those coverts will bend over backwards to be seen as a savior, rescuer, whatever, ONLY if there is something to gain from being seen in that light or, in my ex's own words, "I only have people in my life if there is some value". They don't help because someone needs it, they do it because they might be able to take something from that person, and in my ex's case it was usually a female and he wanted admiration and to get in their pants.
You just described my now ex to a T.
I have to say, I became an excellent detective because of him. I even hid my IPad (that was on my service plan, this only works if this is the case so you get GPS tracking). Then I could logon to my "Find my iPhone" app, which I had all my devices linked with, and I could track his every move. I would text him and ask "where are you", of course he would lie, and I knew he was lying because I could track my hidden iPad.
smart
really, who wants to live that way. Im glad you left him.
+Nicole Roberts You knew he was married and you still had a relationship with him. Where are your morals and integrity?
Also, you're aware of your father issues, right? That man could have been your father o.O
He has a personality disorder, but you need therapy as well.
The whole “ breakdown and crying thing “ can flip in one second flat by saying “ the crying doesn’t work anymore “ try something new 😂 step back and get ready to watch them unravel.
Khaleesi L when I walked away I had to go to his house to get something. We sat at the kitchen table and he was crying. Suddenly he stood up, went to the living room and stood with his arms folded on his forehead against the door, crying. I watched him from afar and he was actually waiting to see if I saw it.. he looked up at me and put his head on his arms again. He is 53!!! I didn’t bother and sat down again and he came back to me in the kitchen.
Afterwards when I was leaving the tears came again and he said he couldn’t see me leave so I said ‘go inside ‘. He did !
As I went out of the door , in my car, he came out of the kitchen door and waved at me.. you can just sink in the ground. A week later an ex moved in!! She parked her car in front so everybody would see that she was back. I didn’t even know for two weeks later. Hateful demonic creature who will get his karma in the end.
Omg I am tempted, dude lol.
well, you are still lucky because she threatened me with suicide. an actual fucking suicide. and I bought it at first, terrified, didn't want that on my conscience. But once I said "go fucking kill yourself if you want I'm out" she just stopped threatening just like that. lol.
Someone was moaning on the phone last night to me about how much pain they were in.. They said they've been screaming at people all day.. I said u better scream then.. They said wow & instantly stopped complaining about any pain.. 👀👀👀
@@afakkobyab5982 LOL! Mine told me that she won't survive the breakup...
Covert is the worst. Lazy, don’t work, reliant on other people for financial reasons, validation, ego stroking.. all so subtle too. They make excuses with sob stories for their reason to not have to be responsible for literally anything. Refuse to do favors, refuse to be independent, refuse to work, refuse to self reflect.. and they’re soooo good at playing victim you will authentically feel sorry for them! It’s psycho!
This is my ex to a T. Ex being the important word!
so well written! They’re like A bunch of lazy Dexter’s.. The fake empathy is the part that still is blowing my mind to this day
going through divorce now. I'm learning my husband fits the covert Narcissists. Had no idea what this even was. I had a hysterectomy because of cancer. My lovely husband said he went to his ex girlfriend because I wasn't the same woman anymore. I made him cheat to get his needs met. These videos have helped me understand what just happened to me and my kids.
Lisa Hutton I'm so sorry that sounds really hard. Hope you are doing better
Lisa Hutton
Wow sounds like my "Christian" ex girlfriend. She did the same thing to me. I got sick and she was no where in sight. Every example mentioned in this video she has done to me. She always made me feel like I was this horrible abusive monster while playing the poor victim.
man that is so cruel of him :(
My husband went to 'massage parlors' after my hysterectomy.
wow sorry Lisa
This video saved my life when I first watched it the light bulbs went on I was no longer the crazy one.
Jon Dough same here.... but still struggling to myself back after 20 years of hell.
this is me right now, at this moment. realizing that i'm not the crazy one & omg what do I do now
@@mooshmobile love him or leave him that simple.
I hope you’re much better now
If this isn't the TRUTH!!! For a while I thought I was crazy because of the manipulation, the deformation of my character, the pulling me in & pushing me away. Thank you for your videos 💜 Great Content
OMG I had a narc physically push me away
They will do that too us thought I was crazy too . Then I discovered these narc awareness channels and realize I wasn't crazy at all. I was being abused and manipulated .
Deformation of character is a great way of summing it up 💯
After 21 years in an emotionally abusive marriage I thought I was the crazy one because of how horribly I was raised. My body has taken quite a toll. I’ve taken the last year, after having a heart attack and still dealing with a tumor, chose to distance myself (from husband, toxic people as well as limiting media and social media to only UA-cam) and really only focus on healing, reprogramming myself and facing my past trauma. What an eye opener! Your videos have helped tremendously on working on what is needed to move forward in a more positive direction and to not get into this type of relationship in the future. Very grateful! Thank you!
I hope you are going well ♥☦🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
I hear people call others Narcissists in everyday conversation these days. Yet it's a serious condition. You're so right, it's devaluing the term/condition.
Its a world wide epidemic.
@Kaylee Karnes It does seem epidemic - It seems to be currently breeding on a mass scale - narc traits socio-culturally - Healing consists of growing above narc tendencies permeating us collectively. Mark B.
@Kaylee Karnes lots of selfishness but not sure that narcissism is an epidemic
@@mssdeess66 Maybe awareness and community work on this base energy survival strategy (narcissism) is the shift in our frequency on this planet that our empaths have been sensing.
@Deplorable Cat some call it psychic vampires
Everything is a mountain, there are no mole hills.
Stephanie Trillo oh i like that. Always drama.
Yep
Your valid concerns are mole hills
I never thought I'd have to educate myself so thoroughly on fucked up people. Good vid.
My god. This entire video is the relationship I've just left.
Narcs will do charity just to get admiration,its never quiet. My husband will always come home and brag about helping somebody. The guilt tripping comes with the sense of entitlement.
My husband does the same
Dude yes my father even showed receipts of his charity to the cashiers because he wants to prove himself jesus its all for himself i the end
He says he needs me to keep all receipts so he can show people
Thank you... “if there’s any doubt, there’s no doubt...” and the fact that if I’m online looking for info... it’s not normal... that just made it click. I’m getting out.
good for you for getting out!!
My covert Narcissist told me he is the best thing that ever happened to me. But yet I taught him how to drive, to sew clothes, to lay tiles, to mix cement. I have my house, he doesn't, I have my car, a job, my degree, he doesn't. So how could he say that ? I can travel the world, he can't. I tried to help him step up, instead he stepped on me, often.
Natasha Simon Best reply to that is “oh really? How would YOU know that?” Then after they give whatever reply they give say “yeah well I think it’s best we stop talking about this because I’d hate to break your delusion”
Lol, If I was you I probably say , you are worst nightmare I ever had😂
Ahhhhh when they tell you how wonderful they are. I hope you’ve moved on.
Natasha Simon
lol the best thing to happen in the world since sliced bread. They think they are doing you a favour being in a relationship with them
They're often incompetent and incapable of acquiring expertise in anything. My ex narc once confessed to me in what I mistook as humility (more manipulation) that I didn't realize how good I was at so many things, and in the same breath almost, accused me of taking her pride away (like virtue, no one can). Since they can't compete with others in that way, all they have is denigration in sneaky ways for those who are. After 8 yrs of teaching grammar school she was forced out by parents who'd had their fill of her damaging their kids. The cause in her mind was the "bad boy" image of me she had conjured up to make herself feel better about her own inadequacy (she constantly had run-ins with principals, teachers, parents, but was never at fault). Somehow, while I was busy pursuing my own career (electronic engineering, where you have to know how good your skills are to stay employed), I managed to make her look bad in front of her colleagues! She's still after 28 yrs, casting me as the bad guy who messed up her life--and has convinced our daughter of the same.
And yes, she went around with the attitude that she was the best thing that happened to me and the world.
I spent 6 years dating a covert narcissist, 4 of those years living with him. Wasn’t until we moved in together that it truly started. I ignored red flags because I thought I was so in love and he had had such a difficult life, full of abandonment so I wasn’t also going to abandon him and stayed for the long haul thinking I could be the very thing that changed and helped him. Slowly sucking the life out of me. Once being a happy-go-lucky person, I was now on edge constantly, walking on eggshells, rehearsing in my head “how” I should say something as not to anger him. Street angel, home devil. Everyone thought he was such a nice, charming, sweet, helpful and caring individual, however, behind closed doors he started fights over nothing and I mean literally nothing. He threw and broke more glasses than I could ever even count, punched holes through the doors and walls, televisions, screamed at the top of his lungs in my face and said I was the only person ever in his life that he fought with like this. It was all me, all my fault. I’d never even heard of narcissistic personality disorder until the relationship had finally ended. He checks ALL the boxes. Once apart, I fully went no contact and still do to this day, it’s coming up on three years. Blocked him on all social media and blocked his phone number, blocked email, moved, never want to speak to him or his flying monkey parents ever again!!!! I’ve still never recovered financially but certainly have emotionally. If you’re in a relationship like that, don’t spend another moment. LEAVE!!! I look back now wondering how in the hell I stayed so long. There once was a time I thought I couldn’t live life without him, now I cannot imagine living a life with him.
I had exactly the same experience as you. Happy for you that you got away👍.
@@suraya1224 Thank you! 🤗 Hope you got away too!!
@@Oceans11.11 So Happy to hear you moved on!! I met someone 2 months ago and I asked god to help me understand what the hell is wrong with him.. after spending just three times together, I realised he is a covert narc... I'm just playing him now and ignoring his ass hahaha.. he never bothered to love bomb me though.. he became himself from the get go
@@girljustwannahavefun1871 Thank you! With respect to the love bombing, similar for me.. the first 2 years he kept me at arms length so def no love bombing.. I was just the fool waiting for him to commit, pretending I was okay with no strings, which took 2 years.. for a very short time in the beginning of the next 4 years, I mean like the first few months he was sweet, would buy me flowers and tell me we’d be together forever but the flowers stopped and the rest of the time was the vicious cycle of the push & pull. Threaten to discard, throw tantrums, love bomb afterward, threaten to discard, invalidate, throw tantrums, then love bomb after.. this repeated the entire 4 years. I wouldn’t get anywhere near another abusive narcissist. Just be careful, they are sly and will never give up control.
@@Oceans11.11 so nice to hear back from you!! So glad you are out of this relationship and I pray that you find someone deserving of your love and most importantly reciprocates like normal humans do!! Mine was laid off his job and this drove him crazy, and I got to see a side that was so weak and demonic and just lost:.. he was so stingy and never bothered to buy me anything, he was just a taker lool. I knew I needed to look up his symptoms and I was lucky that youtube exists! I’m pretending that I don’t know what his issues are. These narcs give a valuable lesson in life and they teach us how to spot them and appreciate normal humans!! Sending you love
So, I was right by cutting out this covert narc. He was and still is one big lesson I have learned. He is currently in the hoovering mode but I go Grey rock and ignore.
Thank you for the video. It's confirmation of what I already knew and what my friends told me. They are pure danger to the healthy soul let alone to someone with self-esteem problems and no support system. Only solution: run and never return
My mum is a narcissistic and she ruined my life, moved out now and finally realised what the hell was going on
Chloe - glad you have escaped your mum. My natural mother was an extreme covert narcissist (with borderline personality disorder). Her predominant traits were self-pity and trying to receive sympathy from others. My step-mother was a grandiose narcissist, so to the outside observer they appeared opposite kinds of people. I don't know what was going on in my dad's head, he was attracted to a certain type.
Don't let her steal the rest of your life, limit or stop contact.
Chloe, good for you. I encourage you to seek healing because we have been set up for the next one. We are empath's which makes us super vulnerable to these user's. Blessings dear one.
I understand 100, and am working on moving out asap finally realized her and her games and sabotaging of my life such as making me doubt myself and any good opportunity I had was 2 good to be true and a bad decision to accept so I just dont tell her anything so she cant try to manipulate me with her opinion and she also tells me once u move out u better be 100% independent bc if anything EVER happens and u need a place to stay(I am a single mom) u can NEVER come back this was and is your one time of help from me
When I first realised i was dealing with it it was truly horrible but once you know you can heal and deal with them better im finding,.it gives you a teflon in a way good luck everyone
I call it shame based narcissist, because the pride issue comes from a place of a shame they've endured rather than arrogance & overconfidence.
I've been married to one for 35 years.
Nina K,You look cute 🥰,Hope you are not with a narcissist….
only Richard has me smiling in the middle of videos on the most depressing topic (narcissism). He brings humor and light into an otherwise dark space, that is hard for so many. Bless your heart Richard!
You have made me laugh so loud for the "first time" while listening to something that's always painful to me. Thank you.
Thank you for cracking jokes during this video. It helped me take in the subject without getting so upset. 💜
And theyyyy never say sorry or thank-you evvvvvver!
My ex is a covert narcissist. He made me think I was going insane. I was always a nervous person but I developed GAD throughout the years. Unfortunately we share two children (they were my strength, my reason for leaving) Took years of counseling to realize though I am not perfect, I am not completely insane. I was not ‘imagining ‘ things. I am not bi polar.
As I mentioned before I share two beautiful children with this man. He has done everything in his power to turn them against me. It’s my fault we r not a ‘whole’ family. I left him with nothing(forget the constant cheating, the years of psychological abuse and the physical abuse that ultimately ended in my local police filing a restraining order on my behalf) Nope I ruined everything. Would have to write a book to explain how far this goes, but I am better. And I would like to tell anyone going through this, there is light at the end of tunnel. You are not crazy. You CAN find yourself again. Goodluck and God bless u and urs.
Angiebear i hope :(
Thank you for sharing. I have 2 children with my ex covert 😪 6 years...4 years free. Broke my trauma bond last year. I'm tired. My souls tired. I have C PTSD but therapy is helping xx
@@glitterfaerie08 best wishes to you ❤️
My story mirrors yours in so many ways. May God bless and heal us.
@@socol76 God bless.
OMG I was with a narc who cried at movies but he never cried in life, eyes of ice & a punisher in a covert way. He lied about everything. He was sneaky so when I would discover what was really going on, I would get really angry. He would look at me with disdain. Like walking on eggshells.
Sounds like he was more of a sociopath/ psychopath
Sounds like my husband but he doesn't cry at movies. He's an empty mocking bird. I'm convinced that he's learned how to mimic my emotions when he thinks it fits. Problem is, it lacks depth. There's nothing genuine about it.
Strangely, he also frequently imagines he's on a sitcom and he mimics the type of comedy you'd see on a sitcom but more demeaning toward me and occasionally, our kids. I asked him once if heard laugh tracks. I was relieved when he said he doesn't but he is certain that if his life (starring him making fun of me at inappropriate times, we're just extras in his life) were filmed, it would be a hit tv show.
He's very cliche when he imitates empathy. He admits to me that he struggles to feel anything when someone is hurt. He feels like he deserves so much better in every possible way, to include the amount of sex and praise I offer him, and he sulks and gets ragey about it constantly. According to him, he is entitled to my body and my attention because he does soooooo much for our family. Life has picked on him.
The only time he apologizes is when I'm trying to leave. Then, he becomes the man I thought I married for a few days. I asked him if that man was real the other day and he gave me an angry contemptuous smile and then laughed loudly. I asked why he was laughing and his face morphed back into that angry contempt and he said "just imaging what it's like to be you." After Mr nice guy phase, he goes back to being abusive (screaming/scary/mean.) He's only gotten physical once. When I try talking to him about it, he explodes, gets defensive- blaming everyone/everything but himself, he tells me I don't appreciate him as I should, and then, he gives me the silent treatment for weeks or even months. When I can't take it anymore, I try to leave and the cycle repeats.
At this point, I think he's a sociopath. I'm trying to work my way out... I'm just scared he'll snap if I follow through. I also worry about my kids being alone with him during visits. What if he directs the abuse at them when I'm not there to take it? I know I made this mess. I'm working on it.
@@eyeamme1917 I am so sorry you are in this situation and dealing with a husband like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Don't blame yourself for his behavior or personality. It is not your fault. You are right to make your plans to get out and get away with your kids as soon as you can. Please be careful. If you can get yourself and the children to a women's shelter for a few days, they should be able to help you get more permanent arrangements made. Plus, then you have some documentation that you were escaping abuse that could help you later when dealing with custody or visitation rights.
@@unitedlutheranchurch5147 Thank you. I have considered doing that but when I do, I feel like I'm overreacting. Women's shelters are for battered women, which I am not. I did open up to a psychologist about this a few years ago but I think he was ill equipped to deal with this sort of thing (he was my son's psychologist who specialized in autism.) He suggested I write things down and send it to myself via email as means to document things with an electronic date stamp. I have been doing that pretty faithfully for some time now. I really want our kids to have a healthy relationship with their dad and I wonder if it's my presence that's interfering with that... maybe I just trigger him. I certainly have plenty of my own toxic issues. I go back and forth between thinking I'm causing this and I should have left years ago and feeling scared that his behavior is present with or without me and he'll snap and/or turn his rage onto our kids if I leave. I don't know... I guess I'm extremely confused. I just started therapy. My hope is that my new psychologist will help me to better assess things and devise an appropriate plan of action. I am completely resolute in my decision to not allow this madness to continue, irrespective of what exactly that entails. Thank you so much for your kind response ❤.
@@eyeamme1917 Good luck with your new Therapist. Whether you "trigger" your husband or not, I think a mentally healthy husband would seek to find ways to work things out with you- find a compromise, try to reframe his thinking, or agree to seek couples therapy. Please be safe as you work your way to health and healing for you and your children. God bless you.
I was dating a covert narc he drove me to a full blown nervous breakdown it was 13 years into it. Literally couldn't walk or talk.my whole body shook and I could not control it. I was not home. I had been through so much .it took me years to heal and be healthy.
How long did it take to heal? I mean how many months years for the severity to subside, and then how long to completely heal? Thank you for sharing. This type of behaviour is like invisible gas - it's there suffocating you, but you can't smell or see it.
Wow, i can imagine how this sort of treatment/suffering could get us to that place. There is so much damage done. i felt i was unable to love again and totally dependent on my ex gf for what become almost everything even breathing, I am so serious!!, that bad at one stage.
I can only describe it as a prison and within, you become like you have lost your life and rights to freedom (even though you forgotten what that is) not to mention feeling and believing were incapable of things in a normal life existence. i am assuming your final awakening was the breakdown? I am feeling personally that there are scars left with my/others experiences being in that place and I will be finding out in due course.
i know that i started to get major mood swings (suspected bipolar brought on by all of this) and I also now know that she played on my PTSD diagnosis a hell of a lot, i can see her studying this affliction in order to manipulate me more effectively, she did think that her life was perfect with this setting she created but i do believe in karma in a big way (i know she was devastated when i shown my old strength by throwing her out) and as sad as it sounds i do feel that when her due's arrive it will help me heal... never let go of what we thought we forgot.. Wishing you and all other here all the best and a speedy recovery to a deserved brighter future :)
The same here
Hope you are better by now
Wow I went through the same, by the end I was constantly shaking or trembling until he was completely out of my life
Lil G BGD that’s how I feel today, he left yesterday, I ended it by text, but he had been discarding me for months... but kept, hoovering.. he said after I finished it, I always want you in my life and let’s stay friends😩
My covert narcissist definitely knew he was projecting an image. In early stages of the relationship, he spoke often of masks he wore or facets of himself, etc that were completely compartmentalized. But he seemed so warm and empathetic, it sounded more like a conversational way to describe how he was into different things or a diverse person.
Interestingly, the more I started calling out incongruencies, the less he talked about the "masks". It was almost like he was dead honest while he believed I wouldn't believe it, but stopped mentioning it when those words would give me bull's eye insight on him.
Strangely, he does not seem to realize that I could remember his words in hindsight when his behaviour reminded me of them. Very cunning, but not very big on the larger picture or complex thinking.
In fact, he candidly described ALL his symptoms at some point or the other. Often after what I now realize was narcissistic injury. NEEDING to be with people, feeling disconnected from his emotions, finding it hard to empathize with what others may be feeling, criticism causing intense anxiety, not being sure what love meant - at the end of the day we all use each other..... not bad for someone who also claimed to not be able to articulate what he felt.
Mine did the EXACT same things. It's uncanny how they all behave basically the same. Like some narcissistic robotic programming. Just eery.
This video was the very beginning of my escape from hell, thank you so much Richard for all your work.
Thats a lovely thing to say. I agree, well done Richard
allisfaith I hope you’re so much better now
Just spent 12 years with one. Living hell
20.....and it’s still hell. Paying child support to narc mother.
Claire B. Wish I could say something to help. But I think you should go for divorce if it’s that bad. If you can get full placement of the kids you should be fine. Me being a man the difficulties are different. I ended up homeless and paying way to much in child support to re established myself. Been divorced 18 months now. Divorcing a narc is an abuse all it it’s own. Watch out for the lawyers they are all crooked.
I hope you got out God bless you
Thanks for saying the narcissist can alternate between covert and overt. I think I've seen that.
Mine does
“The only reason I said (horrible verbal abuse) was because you didn’t (insert reason)”
“I’m sorry you feel that way”
“I said this, then you said that, then I said this, then you said that. That is what actually happened”
“You don’t get me”
Any of this sound familiar?
You are giving people great ideas to reflect on and it is extremely helpful to meet a man who is so educated about relationships between people that are dysfunctional and who are seeking relief. Thank you. You are doing much good. Some of us would never have learned about these things without your videos.
This video changed my life....
Mine too. Ended my marriage. A great video for those who need it.
Mine too, man I can't thank this guy enough
I had been in bed with suicidal thoughts for 5 days. Hadn’t eaten or anything. Knew I was going down more each day. The night before his work trip I came out and directly asked him to get me help. I was a danger to myself. He didn’t look up from tv. Said ok. I went back to bed. Next morning he packed up. Just before leaving he said “Well, I hope you’re here when I get back. (5 days) Left. The shock of that made it possible for me to drag myself together.
32 years. Covert narcissist. Slander everywhere at my “abandoning” him. Poor me. I’m a victim. I was house bound by his insanity projection for 15 years.
Working through Richard’s program. Amazing changes. Don’t pick scabs. Find your self. Revel in that. Do the work. This is your one life. Choose life; not history. Non servium! Your choice. I chose life. Next page.
Do it.
Mary Schleicher Oh dear soul, that’s heartbreaking - and I very much understand. You’ve got this! Wishing you all the very best. And thanks for your encouraging post.
Wow!
my husband pushes me as hard as possible for days then leave loaded guns seating around .. then will say how much he wants to kill hi,self .. as if he’s trying to put the idea in my head .. it’s SO pathetic
Well done for pulling yourself together. My narc Wanted me to have a baby with him when we had only been together 4 months. I realised he was rushing me when he manipulated by saying he thinks I’m manipulating pretending I’ll have a child to use him then leave before giving him a child and gave me an untimatum to start trying soon to prove I’m not lying. I said it’s too early we don’t know eachother we’ll yet I told him I’m suicidal and depressed then he says just give me that child before you kill yourself do it after you can leave me with the child if you have a baby for me don’t worry about anything I can take the baby and bring it up on my own
That’s when I knew he knows I’m on to him and he wanted me to rush before I find out he’s an abuser
“The messiah that nobody recognises complex” should be in the psychology books😂
Slamming doors is his favorite to make me nervous and sick to my stomach . He does not apologize, ever.
Christine Miller that is shit behaviour on his part. Don't put up with that shit. If he does it again tell him your moving out..... then watch him whine...
Yep, any time u call them out on their bs, or ask (or "nag") them to do something that they said they would a hundred times
Oh wow you just described my last relationship to the "T" I questioned for a while wether he was a narcissist because he seemed so vulnerable, open and genuine. He showed so much emotion. He also kept saying "I'm not who you think I am" wich was a huge red flag. I could see the internal struggle he faced feeling not good enough but also extremely self absorbed. He admitted that he didn't know to show empathy or to be there for other people. He was extremely depressed as well. Good news is I called him out on all of this. I set boundaries and stuck up for myself. He started to see a therapist before we broke up. I wish him well. I also know that I attracted him because of my co dependent tendencies that haven't completely healed yet. This video makes so much sense! This gives me such clarity about what I had already suspected. Thank you!!
Our Journey me too
I've found with covert narcs that when I speak, they just look over my shoulder or anywhere else but at me, even when discussing things of importance to us both. They are totally uninterested in hearing anything, but will fake extreme interest in mundane things if it is beneficial to do so. It's like a backward response.
That is true
🎯🎯🎯
Yep, and then they demand that you need to listen to them more, and they need space to be heard too (ummmm you just talked my ear off for 10 minutes on your soliloquy... isn’t that enough?)
Oh they’ll start playing with the baby
YES!!! EXACTLY!!!
In addition, these folks have such huge insecurity that they assume that you must be terribly damaged in some way to have fallen for their overselling of themselves...so they actually think LESS of you for believing in their talents and abilities, even though they r telling you about how talented, generous, and misunderstood they truly r. In fact, you r the only person who understands them. Bravo! I had to take notes and watch over 3x. "Hypnotic brainwashed submission" thank you 4 the 411 and the eloquence
I can usually tell when a covert narcissist is coming by the way they walk, it exudes self pity, it like manipulation at first sight. They have terrible posture, and walk like they have the world on their shoulders. As soon as they dupe you though you can see/hear them do this snicker thats like "I got you hehehe", its like a kid playing sick to get out of going to school, and laughing about how his mother fell for it. As good-hearted people we think "oh this poor soul, if only I could do something to make them feel better". They don't even have to say anything to be manipulative.But seriously dealing with these types over time has drained my empathy for them, and my room for being polite and patient.
@@V-Bug the difference between a narc and an ex-target-of-narc is that with a narc, you can (if you look closely after some first-hand experience) see that they have a "tell" which crops up the moment they "got you". It will be a slight smile, or a light that shines bright in their eyes for a flash, or a slight straightening of the shoulders, or a nod-nod-nod, or a brief swagger. Blink and you'll miss it. But watch closely, and you'll catch it. And that's when you should motion for the bill or reach for your coat - and leave. It will not get better, I think you know that now - it just gets worse and worse..
Yes!!!! 👀
That’s a martyr not a narcissist
Yup...they have a wierd walk. And when you first see it, you say something if off about them.
Unless they are a servicemember or a martial artist or a body builder, dancer, anyone with physically trained posture.
A girl I got involved with cheated with me behind her SO (I did not know this at the time), but once she got found out, she filed a restraining order on me and ostracized me from my social circle.
She plays the victim and everyone believes it and all my friends have turned against me.
If you ever meet a narcissist, run far and away.
Find real friends, freedom and Peace!
Wow if your social circle ostracized you when they were your friends first, I can only imagine the manipulation that they are going to get succumbed to by her. They will come back to you but you will have found friends that are much much better.
Sign 14 can be more accurately defined. They don't always try to paint the story of their childhood beautifully like it was perfect - especially if the other person already knows it was really bad. It's like this: other people can't say their childhood was bad. A true shy, avoidant narcissist may elaborate on their childhood problems when it comes to their advantage, like to build up some victim propaganda. But if someone says "your childhood was harmful to you" to their advantage in an argument, then the covert narcissist will try to claim it wasn't so bad and will seem offended.
+Antonio Brandao I have told people my narc ex was abused by her mother and that she had forbidden her to see her father when she was a child. My ex told me this when were young and in love plus other stuff about how malignant she was. My ex hated her mother yet now she is telling the kids that her mother was a lovely woman and that their grandfather (a war hero) was bad. She is training them the same way about me.
Exactly
+Antonio Brandao I agree...they paint the childhood probably as gory as it was. Having said that you really do not know how much of it is truth as they lie all the time.
Thank you, I just love your ability to use humor in such a horrific topic.
It is the most hopeless feeling I have ever encountered
True
It's so tough, I hope you are in a better place now 🙏
You described my mother. Her narcissistic personality is not as apparent to others, so when I tell others about what she is like when she is abusive towards me when no one is looking, then I am not believed, because she is "so nice" to everyone else.
J Richardson that is their modus operandi. Most don't show their true colours to others. So everyone thinks they are great and even defend THEM against you lol.
J Richardson, my mother is a covert also and hits all of these points to a T. I wish he wouldve talked more about the parent-child dynamics of this abuse instead of solely in a partner-relationship way.
My mother literally did everything for me, making me feel incapable of handling life on my own. From school work to laundry and shopping..She even applied to college for me. I suppose this made her feel worthy and valuable.
And once I got to college it was like a slap in the face reality check and I hardly knew how to take care of myself. Very sad. Whenever my mom was challenged or slightly criticized she would say, "I do SO much for you and you're so ungrateful" poor me sob story. "Nobody appreciates me after ALL I do for you people" Then come the guilt trips. I'd have to always dress a certain way in public all for HER image. She never let us miss school if we were actually sick because it made her as a mother look bad.
If we spilled something we were yelled at and called 'idiots'. When her and my father would fight, she would try to get us on her side. If I upset her or challenged her, I got the silent treatment (this happens more as Im an adult and less easy to control)
Its very traumatizing for young children. Being the middle child all of this effected me the most, and I am the most sensitive. My sisters don't see it especially my younger sister who is her favorite 'poster child'.
Further Into The Rabbit Hole Further Into The Rabbit Hole Wow you have just described my mother and my experience. For the majority of my life I thought my mother was perfect and that it was normal to have a family dynamic of spewing insults to your children and having a totally different persona to the outside world. I always appreciated her for doing so much for me but I knew she wasn't very nurturing, and I didn't fault her for it. I just thought it was tough love and her understanding of how best to rear children, as she comes from a very unfortunate background. However, now that I'm an adult and on my own, it's hard to be the professional in charge person that I always wanted to be, and I believe could have and should have been. And being the self aware person that I am, I always try to find the deep rooted reasons for why things are the way that they are. My mom criticized me all my life, so much so that I didn't even notice it was damaging. Whatever I said or did that she didn't like she made sure to correct me in the most malicious way. And because of that, I never developed my own personality. I have become this person whose image to the outside world is so personally constructed, rather than just living life in my own truth the way that everyone else does. Also, I sort of still think that this wasn't her intention and she just wanted the best for my siblings and I to protect us from judgement of others, but her tough love was more damaging than beneficial, for me. Because of it I have developed this super hypersensitivity to other's feelings and opinions towards me. And I have become so unsure of my self and became this codependent person in constant need of assurance that I'm making good decisions. I remember being such an outgoing, fun, social person who was very ahead of my peers intellectually/socially/creatively when I was younger before the criticism from my mother became the norm. And now, I am very shy, self-conscious, and socially awkward/anxious. And I have watched my peers surpass me with accomplishments. It truly sucks and has ruined my life and I don't know how to reverse the damage. I hate to place all blame on her but I honestly think it goes back to the unintentional abuse. And because my mom is a highly paid professional and has done a lot for my siblings and I materialistically, no one understands why I'm not very successful and how I could have any excuse. It's very draining trying to get ppl to understand the dynamic that mental abuse can have on a person despite other factors. I do realize I have to stop playing victim and take control of my life since I'm now aware but for a while I didn't notice the effects. I have been searching for videos or comments from a person whose experience was similar so that I can feel that my feelings are validated in that even though a mother can do a lot for her children, putting them down in the process can do extensive damage. I feel guilty for daring to say she wasn't an excellent mother and for feeling that maybe she enjoyed the control and the projection of this false image more than she cared for the feelings and opinions and mental wellbeing of us. Because at the end of the day I do believe she loves us very much so she isn't a full blown narcissist. I just think more awareness should be spread on the importance of mental health and the effects that certain behaviors can have on a child's life. Everyone talks about neglect, sexual abuse, physical abuse, poverty, none of which I experienced. But little is said about the shame and criticism and ridicule a lot of children have to endure, and how it is just as volatile as other forms of abuse.
Im sorry you had to go through this. I think our mothers do love us and they did the best they knew how. My mothers mother was even worse to her so its all she knew. Healing starts with recognizing it and for me, moving very far away. When we do see each other its happier since it isnt often. Also forgiveness because like I said, she raised me the best she knew how based on how she was raised. They are very damaged people and at least we are able to self-reflect
Same here J. Richardson. I took a secret recording of one of my narc mother's rages, which included gaslighting, emotional blackmail, character assassination, threats, the whole gamut. If ANYONE tries to deny she was capable of such things, it will come out. Slam dunk. Take recordings. Switch on your mobile phone recording, or put your small video camera on record and put it somewhere in the room, so you can ambush your narc with the truth.
Ding, Ding, Ding, 20/20 we have a winner. The Narcissist who I spent nearly 5yrs with has everyone of these qualities and I could give numerous examples of how he embodies all of these. It's quite scary.
I was PHYSICALLY ill for weeks/months before I left and even after. It was awful. It got to the point where I could not eat. I physically shivered/shook when the garage door opened or when he walked in a room. I had to show no emotion in conversations and even then a fight could start at any moment. So many women in narcissistic abuse relationships end up with horrible health issues. It's so sad that it can get to that point.
God I relate to this so much, soon as he raises his voice now I start violently shaking, even the djgs and kids run to me and we all just shake together, for about the last 5 years I just have to stare at the floor when he starts shouting, and dont look him in the eye cos he gets more physical. Apparently the reason he punched me though was my fault because I fell down the stairs and hit my head, he gone insane so its all ok. It's me with the problem not him ha ha. Hoping to be free very soon.
I am right there with you. I still have anxiety attacks if somebody knocks on my door and I’m not expecting anyone.
@@michellestevens6872 I'm sorry! I know how horrible that is!
@@geminigeminicottoneyejo5905 praying you are free now
I try to just avoid conversations altogether, they're pointless and will get us absolutely nowhere other than in a fight. I'm just gonna do what I want without talking to him.
SpartanlifeCoach, you have helped me more with your videos than years with cold and uncareing psychologist and psychiatrists have done. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. You are a f'ing genius!
I had a discussion with a negative thinking covert narcissist after we'd watched a Ted talk about positivity vs negativity. The talk was looking at why it is easier for people to change a positive to a negative than a negative to a positive. It concluded that we need to be intentional about being positive. While the covert narc watched the video, he was trying to disprove the research in his mind and find a reason why it wasn't applicable to him. He explained afterwards how he was "different" (special) and not tricked like the (normal) people they tested for the study had been. He somehow looked at this study in a competitive way and felt the need to prove his superior thought. It became obvious he doesn't identify with average people and thinks he is outside looking in on everyone else... Funny, when he is minimizing abuse or defending his thought patterns, he will say that it's just "a guy thing" though I now realize that he doesn't actually identify with the average guy! AHHH these people! 😲
Yes, in my case y ex narc came across as having low self steem, he had at most a very apathetic attitude in every aspect of his life. He claimed to have been emotionally abandoned by his mom (trggering the protective part of my personality). He was pretty much an underachiever and a looser (he apparently wanted to be supported like a child by his partners). But he definetly had some weird sense of entitlement in which he assumed he did not have to make any effort on the relationaship. The whole thing sunk when I got pregnant, since this situation demanded effort and sacrifice from him. One must not suppose only the classic arrogant people are narcs. The covert narcissists explode your empathy, they inspire pity, and since they come across as being hurt, abandoned or indefense, you basically don´t expect anything (and I mean anything) from them. They are leaches, and lazy.
Maria Dolores Mino did you have the baby?
Spot on! Can definitely relate
They are delusional.
yep
“No... she’s fine... I like abuse” bwhahahahahaha. OMG you made my day, Richard!
oh my god. thank you. the shy dramatic sobby victim narcisist who is someone still better than everyone. its so weird setting boundaries with these people. you can't just let your guard down and love them cause then they go in for the kill.
Nicole DeMaio You got that right.
Look at me I am in pain (because of you)- look at me I was abandoned as a child (and you are doing the same to me, heartless you)... That's the covert narc- the words in the bracket are conveyed through facial expressions- voice tones etc- multiple times a day- without giving a break to your mind... This is what they are.
My husband is a diagnosed narcissist. He does apologize and often. He will say he is sorry over and over but it goes no further than that. There is no conversation about how the behavior has affected anyone around him. And it seems that the word sorry means to him that we can move on now and you need to get over it. So sorry from him means nothing to me now. And the behavior continues regardless of how sorry he is. He may be sorry but refuses to be accountable. And he lives in a world of no co.
I have just become aware that i have been with a covert narc for 4 1/2 years. I am literally 1week post "grand finale".. I'm raw with pain, confusion, self hate, embarrassment, anger, loss, devastation all of the ugliest emotions a human can experience, and him?? he is on his way to new Orleans for vacation... not even a sorry, good bye, oh wait...he sent a text telling me sorry this didn't work out for ME!? A text... 4yrs of my life and future ends with a text and the blame only after smearing my character to his family,children and our friends. the only thing I have keeping me functional are these videos.... thank u
+Mischelle Bowser Yes, I understand this perfectly. I don't think they can FEEL true remorse or inner pain. They are void of genuine connection and empathy to those they claim they love.
+Mischelle Bowser Yes, "sorry" and being accountable are two very different things. Mine used to get into the concept of spiritual "energy-cord-cutting" which, thankfully, I recognized as a potential way for someone to completely avoid accountability for behavior while appearing enlightened at the same time.
That is a perfect description. I have been told multiple times I am unforgiving if I bring up anything that is not resolved.
Suzanne Bonham It's all very manipulative. I am a Catholic and I say the rosary to myself at night when I am going to sleep. He has wanted to say the first decade with me so I did but as soon as we got to the "Our Father" and I started to say "forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us" he started to whisper in my ear about all the ways I have not done that and that I shouldn't even be praying the Our Father if I am not able to take it seriously. I was so disgusted I had to get out of bed immediately and we haven't prayed together since. Seriously, why is HE asking me to pray with him when he finds those very prayers that offensive to him. I have never demanded that he must do this with me. It actually freaked me out that night because I thought to myself this is exactly what a demon would do when someone is trying to pray. Whisper lies and accusations in a person's ear.
I feel I was in two relationships that I began to take in their actions and thoughts. I found myself acting like a victim and cried and wanted pity from him. I never was like this in my past years before these two relationships. I am recognizing this after this video. Thank you so much!! This video is 5 years old and you probably won’t even see this?? ❤️😊
I think it's more reactive verse being your true nature. We all have an ugly/dark side question is it is your true nature or after you've been repeatedly pushed n pushed. Also imo a true narcissist won't admit to being one (typically)
Every single point you read made my jaw drop! I left a complex relationship with someone who I kept thinking was just a depressed pathological lier. I've thought for a couple of years that he has NPD. Literally he ticks all of these boxes. He has damaged me a great deal so I'll be watching all of your recovery videos.
Acting out of order then playing the victim, the trauma bonding was the toughest for me personally.
Thank you 🙏
And good luck to everyone else who is watching this, my brain is scrambled eggs atm, no closure etc. So so toxic!
LITERALLY every point is spot on!!!!!!!!
trauma bonding, stockholm syndrome, twin flames feeling...