"And 'Will to Equality'-that itself shall henceforth be the name of virtue; and against all that hath power will we raise an outcry!" Ye preachers of equality, the tyrant-frenzy of impotence crieth thus in you for "equality": your most secret tyrant-longings disguise themselves thus in virtue-words! -- Nietzsche 🕷️
'your most secret tyrant-longings disguise themselves thus in virtue-words!' Is this a super-complex way of saying: STFU; you virtue signaling baby? Haha.
Doug can you see why some people claim he’s a greater psychologist than philosopher? Would there even be Psychoanalytic theory without him? “Secret tyrant longings” toddler narcissism sublimated as “virtuous equality”. Some people loathe him which I totally get, but no one can say he wasn’t smart.
@@RICHARDGRANNON He is quite brilliant and cuttingly insightful at times. It's no wonder he talks a fair bit about the hatred of the envious. Have you come across Jung's take on him? I found Jung's observations very helpful for gaining more understanding of both of them.
@@Janarchist85 great contributions 🙏 A Jungian favorite - “He who looks in the mirror of the water, first sees his own image. He who looks at himself, risks to meet himself. The mirror does not flatter, it shows accurately what is reflected in it, namely that face that we never show the world because we hide it by the persona, the mask of the actor. This is the first test of courage on the inner path, a test, which is enough to frighten most people, because the encounter with oneself belongs to those unpleasant things, one avoids as long as one can project the negative onto the environment.” Carl Jung
I felt the pressure of trying to be smiley and friendly to everyone at work, was actually preventing me from functioning and doing my job, and it made me even more anxious around people. Then suddenly these words came to me: 'You're not going to hit it off with everyone. You can live your life fully, without being everyone's friend.' I turned that into one of my affirmations, and I found that I started communicating with people more, once the internal pressure of "be everyone's friend" was removed.
MrCool Mug good for you brother!! Glad to hear that you found a way to balance. I always say, private and work, separate this. In most cases coworkers are not your friends and you don’t need to have their approval if you are a pleasant person or not. Let them say he is a hard efficient employee. That’s more of value you know. Just work together, do the work what’s expected from you and when you leave the job, go in private mode. You are there to make money for a living. You are not there to make friends. That’s it. You keep doing you! ❤️
I took a bath recently where I was relaxed and comfortable in the “womb” of the bath water. I went under and imagined myself being reborn. I cut off my biological mother and father. It hurts me still that I had to do it. I imagined myself reborn of Mother Earth and Father God. I rose up from the water realizing that I don’t owe my mother and father anything. They were merely the vehicle that brought me to this earth. Unfortunately, after bad conditioning in childhood, creating me, the co dependent, I let their hold on me go. I don’t need to run to the rescue anymore or worry about their life choices. I am free.
Targeted by EVIL I feel you, good luck to you! It can only get better. I felt so conflicted about cutting out toxic people that I knew were doing me harm. No more. I know how to say NO.
Honestly, if you had shown up with a whiteboard and told me what was going on with it, I totally would have walked away. You have a brutally honest heart, and I have found you, a knowledgeable yet complete stranger far more authentic than my abuser ever was.
I was in a 17 year Narcissistic Realtionship and I mistaken Loyalty for Obedience. I thought I was standing by this man, being patient (while I was being completely gas lighted) Thank you for your videos
I kept trying to understand the feeling that kept making me go back to him. I finally realized that I felt bad for him and was worried for him. This helped me to break free. He was an asshole. I should be thinking of my own needs. And the long healing journey began, again. And it's fungi awesome. Excellent Richard.
I betrayed my children in order to please and to avoid betraying another. Thankfully we got through it and as adults now they’ve forgiven me and understand the dynamics of codependency. People pleasing is as addictive and destructive as being addicted to drugs.
@@007Tinkins Thank you... you just OPENED my eyes to what I did... I never thought of it like that! I betrayed my children too as my mother betrayed my sister and I.
Co-dependancy...we pride ourselves with our 'understanding' we need to understand our part in the problem, it's time to stop being afraid, and one of my favourite RG sayings is.....'say NO! With a smile' say no with understanding, kindness and compassion. It's time that the new generations had adults to support them, not children raising children. This system has surely run it's course?
@e Take it down a few. All I m saying, it's easy for those who have experienced abuse and got out , to realise looking back, that there is 'a system'. Abusers come with an agenda. Once you are out of their reach, you can see the agenda but not before. That's all.
I love the Rumi quote; it's not your job to seek love, it's your job to seek all the barriers within you build against it. It's really nice to see so many people motivated to recovery. Healing ourselves, heals the system.
@e sorry but that's a very generalised comment about someone you don't know! I'm saying no...with a smile to people who hurt me, sorry if that offends you.
Along the same line… I’m a nurse in the USA and we don’t have “patients” anymore we have “clients” who grade hospitals based on their experience... These Press Gainey scores are very subjective and are based on patient satisfaction and comfort. Well, being in the hospital and recovering from surgery is not a pleasure cruise... it’s hard work! But patients are now clients, and dictate their own care. “No nurse, I don’t want to walk today it hurts!” Then they develop terrible consequences for not following nursing or doctor orders and it’s the hospital’s fault for not taking care of them. Clients want to sit in bed, have an all you can eat narcotic buffet, take no responsibility for their personal progress, and then blame the hospital, doctors, and nurses when they don’t get better. It is crazy making!
The other problem is though the system is up to it's eyeballs in fraud especially the education system and the medical industry, our doctors are abusing us and making us feel ashamed for our very real pain even the doctors office nearby is doing it and the nurse there even yells at the kids, this is because they're teaching a lot of people in indian medical schools to scam the system and it's the only thing they're teaching they were caught by watchdog inspection but it was too late and they continued. At least that's where it started and now everyone is doing it. Then what they're doing is fixing the books, creating ghost patients, and then stealing all the money until the office goes into complete disrepair when it has to close claiming they had no choice. Same thing is happening to schools and now becoming worse as they formed all these "academies" that is known for fraud which is just helping making it easier to get away with it. The system itself is in a state of collapse so along with it the people have collapsed and has been doing so gradually since the 1960s. Now what's happened is people have no choice but to take things into their own hands because nothing is reliable or giving them what they need, they've left patients die in hospitals because giving them insulin or something "costs money" and they just left it to the family members as if they even knew what to do but didn't even show them how to do it when it as obvious they didn't. So instead they lie and said they would send someone over to do it and then didn't. My local hospital has had who knows how many incidents like that happen and frankly my brother had to tell a hospital my uncle had diabetes because they were acting stupid and trying not to do anything, my brother had to insist several times until they took any action. Sadly his mental health wasn't good after that and it didn't end well. But apparently to doctors, teachers, and a lot of people in other professions nobody else is facing problems and abuse and just having a feast or being abusive towards them for no reason, but people only reflect back onto you how they're being treated and nobody can trust the system. So nobody can talk about people not taking responsibility lol when it's all a mess and frankly they aren't allowed to because if it doesn't hold onto the money so they can steal as much of it as they can it's a no and you also get bullied and abused for it if not completely alienated out trying to insist they make the right decision. The right decisions aren't even in the bosses best interest right now and so people are despairing and stuck in this, although yes there are a lot of things we should and need to take responsibility for with ourselves and our lives but those up top have totally relinquished responsibility for the people by not letting it's employees take responsibility, they've completely abandoned us for quite a while now as soon as all the covid stuff happened they pulled out the last straw and now we're just in a limbo of no real stable system. So it's like "well if they don't care then why should i?" and so yes they've gone lazy but there's nothing out there for us right now either and people are bored and they've given up on it and frankly so i have i for the most part there's no point in asking. I've had to go through a process of figuring out ways to make everything as easy and simple as possible for myself that requires the least effort possible honing my organizational, study, and note taking skills and finding something that works for all occasions because nobody wants me to put in more effort into anything i can't you aren't allowed to. I do with anything i'm doing in my own time but anywhere else it's not in the cards to provide quality service.
Broken Heart Syndrome: Chest pain, shortness of breath, may have a rapid or very irregular heartbeat, can mimic heart attack. Some potential triggers are domestic abuse, divorce and strong arguments. Blood flow in the arteries of the heart may be reduced. In rare cases, Broken Heart Syndrome is fatal.
just avoid sheep mentality altogether.. narcissistically-tied situations -- putting a foot down at its impetus, would have removed children from participating in a situation, and their resultant mental circumstances.. folie a deux ou cinquante, exactement.. they should be listening to this -- should have had school psychologists in the 90s! co-dependent and leaving.. lol ugh.. there are many shrinks out there.. and find group/individual healing.. "inability to say no".. exactly -- acquiescing to a group, and its effects later in life
and they may ask themselves, why do i feel weak, low-vibe, powerless, low self-ego, low self-worth, etc.. well, the proof is in the pudding, and their lack of stance and self-reflection and/or introspection.... and asking for permission, etc.... like huh? permission? permission to speak, ask? etc.. making something "normal," very "abnormal".. need to challenge the status quo in life
THIS ! About three years ago I started to realize I had to make hard decisions (that obviously included the word NO) and it felt like hostage negotiations. I remember just finally hearing this phrase as a mother in my head “I cannot be held hostage to threats...” family can be such subtle Stockholm syndrome for the Mum. When I started doing the very hard work as a codependent I had a lot of wailing and nashing of teeth. Then subtle hint of being responsible for failures. Then I lost my sweetest and kindest mom of the life award. In comparison to being a saint all those years, I rose like the Mother Cracken ...I had to fall off that pedestal.... I was empty. Now I am just a fellow human being, saying no on purpose and sometimes just for practice. And rather whining for reciprocity of my kind of martyrdom of giving and service, I simply return to others an equal investment as they give.
Can you win mum of the year whilst whining ? Perhaps it was so quiet as to be almost inaudible ? Im completely on board with your 'no hostages' maxim . That is hard won but stable territory that teaches all inhabitants things of real value
SO TRUE, The moment when The rubber band snapped I was then crucified for my actions. The one moment gives them a reason to blame you and crucify you as if that moment defines your personality and who you are. It becomes the catalyst of irrational relentless tourcher while using the incident to justify there actions. A futile game of survivor that can never be won because the goal posts are always changing. The only way out is to quit the game. It' is exhausting!!
As a young man i feel like i have been guilted into being dependent and now i feel like i have never had even the oppurtunity to be a person of my own.
I know a middle aged man who never changed and he still lives with his mother at 50 years old... She has made him dependent, complains about his dependence, but will guilt trip him when he communicates his new plan to break free. She then manipulates him into staying by playing on his guilt. It's so unhealthy and he is not happy at all. Time is finite......take that opportunity, just take it...
I’m 54 and just realizing that I did not sprout the agency to find myself and make choices outside of serving my unwell parents my whole life. Now that I am no longer hiding from the responsibility to be my own person, I am too ill to get out of bed most of the time. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome research has shown a high number of traumatized people. PLEASE don’t become another statistic! Do the program Richard offers as though your very life depends upon it, for it may very well be the case.
Being a codependent I found a great solution to relationships......I don't have them anymore too much emotional hard work. I'm content now not having to think about someone else
I totally get it...but that’s not really healing. Avoiding your triggers doesn’t help you in the long run..Being triggered and being able to walk your way to a different ending is recovery.
@@daniellen8258 I know but I'm too long in the tooth now to be bothered. Menopause doesn't help either. 😂 I've always been better single I think it suits me. I'm happy on my own
@@daniellen8258 I will disagree, I think avoiding your triggers does help you heal, especially if you have been living in the fight/flight mode for years. Growth is another matter and yes, I think you need to push yourself to grow. But I'm with the OP, I have chosen to just not have relationships. 6+ years now. Rearing children, having relationships with family members and friend is challenging enough lol
Co dependant enablers! We have to stop! We're the ones with the knowledge, we're the ones who have introspection, it is our job to fix, but it has to start with fixing us first. Thank you Richard.
Trauma bonds don’t “fall apart”. They’re always there. We can just be aware of them and enter relationships more consciously and endure it’s not built on trauma bonds.
@@marinahendou8517 I disagree with you. I can no longer give empathy to many people that I used to and they have left disappointed. Also sometimes boundaries are there so nothing is what it used to be.
@@strandedinanisland457 I’m a licensed clinician. I watch this play out in people’s lives every day. I assure you, they don’t go away. And if you think they do you leave yourself in a vulnerable situation. You will either shut people out to avoid your TB being triggered (seeing a bogey man where there’s none there) or you will believe they’ve “fallen away” and toxic people will show up in your life appearing very different from the ones your used to. You won’t even know they’re there until you find yourself in a state of despair whilst scratching your head wondering how you ended up back here “when they seemed so different”. Think of it like an alcoholic who hasn’t drank in 20 years. He still refers to himself as a “recovering” alcoholic. He doesn’t say I used to be an alcoholic. It’s always there. So if you want to believe they just “fall away” then go for it and good luck.
@@marinahendou8517 seems to me that you're context and mine is very different. I'm not one of your patient or someone you even know. Toxic people don't go away, I know that. What I meant is that I no longer can give them empathy and enable them. Not sure why this argument is going on at all?
Richard, your mental health fortress tools are helping me tremendously. Along with the tools given from my therapist,I began, about 3 months ago, with the hand mantra, the "talking to my child as my parents" hypnosis technique..now I have my professional license again, am working again which has boosted my self esteem and have a far better outlook as well as better coping skills. I continue to work the tools as this is a continuous process of healing codependency. Also, I appreciate your humorous way of being a "tough love" type of coach. Thank you.
24:44 more often, nobody is actually asking for help (manipulators are too proud to ask for help), what they do instead is "nag and complain about their situation" so long that the codependent themselves start to think that "they are asking for help". Being able to see the difference between "complaining" and "asking for the help" is a sigh of healthy adult people.
People don't care to help when they finally want to help though and you never know who is seeking help or otherwise. You're not them I've learned this the hard way
My brother died 💔 on this day 20 yrs ago. He was the sweetest man & subject to manipulation 35 years The freedom of death will propel him back to the Future 💙
Thank you Richie. Your work is uncredible helpful for all of us Codependents. I was even contitionned NOT asking for help outside. I was humiliated and ashamed. After 3,5 years of following you, doing your courses I am now beginning (at the age of 57) to build an inner loving and nourrishing adult which can criticise my errors in a motivating and encouriging way and not like the internalised adult of my abusers which was working only with shame. I was not allowed to be an adult by my mom. She worked with shame and fear and made me believe that I am not capable facing life challenges etc etc. and I believed all this shit. Now I see that this is her stuff. I am so greatfull to see and learn the truth. After building a caring and protecting adult my inner child now feel safe enough to face all the pain, to come out of the denial and to go through the grieving process and becoming more and more humble. Be able to accept failure is an incredible gift.Your last course is the best I ever did. First I was not ready to do this but now I am. It was really tough and it is still tough but I am a different person. Still much work to do but now I am exciting and motivated because deep inside I know that healing is possible. First I felt only despair dispite the inner work I was doing.Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. Wishes from Italy ♥
I felt so good being a fixer and it took a total turnaround in Coda to get that I was so unwell I couldn't help anyone even though I was convinced I was on top of life. I was in denial of this compulsion. Also the violence and emotional terror of childhood was an objective memory common to everyone in the family despite the narratives of the roles which made out some of us were unaffected and in control. Denial, control, fixing and minimising paradoxically create the weakness and woozy surrender to narcissistic people. The brain circuits are all muddled up.
I learned I was a codependent and had CPTSD from the book Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency, and Complex PTSD by Linda Hill. This whole video spoke volumes to me. Like a play-by-play of the things I have experienced. My parents are narcissistic, i have dated one narcissist after another, and my ex-wife of 9 years was a severe Narcissist. It is extraordinary to listen to this and put together even more pieces of the enormous puzzle I have been working on in my healing process. Thanks for all you do.
Thank you for talking about the suicide threat. Dealing with that now with a self incapacitated elderly parent living in my home. Finally coming up with a plan to get her out. Not feeling guilty about it anymore, either.
I'm so grateful this is being acknowledged and talked about. Its Very true and such a relief to hear someone talk about the reality of what is going on.
“He who looks in the mirror of the water, first sees his own image. He who looks at himself, risks to meet himself. The mirror does not flatter, it shows accurately what is reflected in it, namely that face that we never show the world because we hide it by the persona, the mask of the actor. This is the first test of courage on the inner path, a test, which is enough to frighten most people, because the encounter with oneself belongs to those unpleasant things, one avoids as long as one can project the negative onto the environment.” - Carl Jung
Lucky enough to be living alone to heal body and mind just in time. Grieving has opened powerful psychic skills. Treading water to get to this point. Thanks Richard for arming me in such powerful ways along with my already ferocious intent, I'm ready for whats next. Hashtag no longer trying to be the best slave I can. Its easier to just be a strong person instead.
Wow- I missed this live - but I didn’t move out until I was 25 because I was afraid of my mom committing suicide- when I got fed up and finally left in bad terms she’d call and leave voicemails saying if I didn’t come back she would kill herself. Glad you’re taking about this. And about how to take personal responsibility to get out of the dysfunction.
My parents talk about suicude too often. I moced out at 21 then again at 22. My mum had organized a poor paying job for me in her homectown. I know now that the bad pay and her hometown were deliberate. Despicable woman. Despicable father aswell. Evil and awful people
How you answered that last question, was full of understanding, heart , compassion and genuine-ness.... thank you Richard, you helped sooth my heart as well.
He is the best at explaining things and has helped me realize i have always been a co dependent. I have been with 2 covert narcissists and it is a horrible way to live. They try and take everything from you- your self worth etc. I think this man is a genius!! I love him ❤
That intimate moment of guilting/manipulating/vulnerability/confusion/pressing my childhood trauma button... my need to stay merged... my irrational fear of disappointing...my flashback of loosing mommy love...my fawning...my shame...my focus and my value is in the other...the other feelings are me...I have no sense of me as an independent individual with feelings, wants, boundaries, value, morals, energy, body in that moment....I am an amusement park and the ticket is my submission. Thank You...All that you teach is changing that moment in me. I Am.
As a child with many questions about "Why does nothing make any sense...why are these adults so cruel in their ignorance?" I went looking for a book to help answer my instinctual questions. A childrens Bible would have really helped. However in our atheist inhabited home, that just wasn't possible. Thankfully God planted The Prophet by Gibran tucked away in a cardboard box on our dirty porch.
Thank you Richard, I am currently in the throws of the back and forth leading to a much needed breakup. Hearing you talk about my programming feels like I'm understood for the first time. This is the first time I've heard anyone articulate the way my toxic relationships function and really for the first time, I have hope that someday I can trust myself to pick a good partner, which is good because I am 47 years old. I definitely have a lot to learn about self love and creating & upholding boundaries. This was so helpful and gives my therapist and I something to base my healing and my plans for my future because my days are feeling pretty finite, and I feel like I've wasted to much time being stuck in trauma. My son needs to see me happy. Unlike the spoiled turds you spoke of, he is a loving, compassionate, hard working young man! In fact, I should share this video with him. He might need it someday but I hope not.
Would there be another area, where someone tells you that you won’t survive without them? Therimin trees does this piece on infantilization which I found really frightening yet, telling about our culture. The person I was with before would tell me I was a child yet also force me to parent them and I think it really broke something inside of me.
From the depths of my soul Richard, thank you. Helping me through such a dark, fucking anguished time right now. I'm starting a DBT therapy program soon too and am determined to transmute my suffering into higher consciousness. I loved this video, especially the flute analogy.. Had tears streaming down my face by the end because you helped me understand something so significant to how I accept and integrate what has been done to me by the person I love/d. For everything you do and for this community big love, respect and gratitude.
Finally someone has said it exactly as it is from all angles! You're my hero and your voice is about to become my voice and his final heads up because I'm already beyond the line. I have began to give back the wrongs done to me ...I wish I could say its and eye for an eye but that wasn't enough to satisfy my rage that was once love and compassion. I gone a wee bit further than my keeper. And it felt good. I'm actually looking forward to his next pathetic reach to control. My eyes are finally open thanks to you. I've felt alone up until now. Thank you so much. I'm beyond grateful 🙏. I will use this in the only way I know how...in service of other. Xx
Thank you. You hit home on so many points. Emotional literacy is something I am struggling to find words to describe the range of my feelings, however, I do find ranting on paper is helpful. I really appreciated the flute analogy. It broke my heart open, which is so necessary. I appreciate all the free therapy. I feel that the skills are really working. Hello from the US
Hi Richard, you are truly unique in your ability to touch the parts other therapists/mentors/life coaches cannot reach! Listening to this video, especially at the end when you are talking about the damage and hurt to the heart, I was taken to a very deep place of hurt within myself. Thank you for all your insight and knowledge, it’s amazing.
I seriously have had to keep re-watching this beautiful monologue. I have to emphasize just *how* valuable the information contained *just* in the first 30 minutes has been to me. Thank you, Richard.
I think today I reached that breaking point where I realized what I have been doing and the feeling of guilt and shame and anger is enormous. I feel terrible regret that I wasted myself and my life on this shit.
Every time I watch your videos, you put my pain in perspective and find myself with the answers to my reality in words I still cannot echo. Yet freedom is my sum. Ty
Rich, apart from great help, you are a great english language lesson with your 'Rich' vocabulary.😂 I found the most difficult time is when you leave the past behind and you have to acquire a sense of direction from scratch. That's the hardest.
IEl tr Same here 😂 I’m from Europe but I’m not from the UK. I use yt to watch videos on my favorite topics and to improve my English at the same time. When I first started to watch Richard I was like “omg I don’t understand a word” because I was not used to the British accent and the vocabulary 😂 Even though we were taught British English in school, not American English 😁 I had level B2 back then but still had to use subtitles on his channel all the time. I’m close to C2 now and don’t use English subtitles anymore. I understand him perfectly now. I really enjoy watching him now without any “stress”. This channel has taught me so much it’s incredible! Nice to see other people are here for the same combination of reasons 💛
@@katana5562Good to see we get the most out of it! (Tricky expression not sure it's correct). I think it's his distinctive tone of voice that seals the words in memory😁
@@el6178 The only way we can grow and develop ourselves is when we can leave the past behind and learn not to look back as however hard we wish to change the past It is impossible, we are able to aim at creating a nice future for ourselves and should only learn to focus on that.
I've been following Richard on UA-cam for a few years now and he has been very informative and insightful 👍 Its been nice noticing his evolution that reflects on his energy and over-all appearance. More grounded, strong, and stylish.😍 Much gratitude for this work
You were such a huge influence to my awakening 3+ years ago and I will always be eternally grateful. This is very hard work, but so worth the efforts. You’re a brilliant and interesting guy Richard. Thanks for bringing your light to the world. ✨🙏✨
Ahh... the ability to say "no" you have honed in on a very intricate dynamic. Your truth rings of experience❤🙏, so appreciate having your wisdom on this journey.
Thank you for this video, and all the others you have produced. I can't articulate the impact they have had on my life, and consequently the lives of my children ⚡️
"I've become a better person because of you! If you leave, I don't know what I'll do" Anything that sounds similar to those lines makes me want to flee and never look back. Thank you for talking about this and reminding me once again that I'm not a freak. 🌹
I call myself "The Fixer!" I've been through great battles. One of the greatest just this past September. As I was about to rise, the entire world chimed in. Job loss, lockdowns, muzzled! As I found the strength to step out of the ring, I was thrown back in! Finding myself relying on others for help, not familiar with this. I gave and gave until I got so depleted and thrown away like an old newspaper. Trying to mend in uncertain circumstances worldly is the most difficult task. Much strength 💪, inner knowing and healing is needed in these times.
Well, it explains why I became a scapegoat early on, because I stopped obeying by the age of twelve. I severed ties from my parents & siblings during my 20’s. I use to wrestle with guilt sometimes when I was struggling to get established. But now I do not, and I wouldn’t trade my decisions with any of my relatives. I discovered a year ago that my alcoholic mom is about to become homeless. My dad and 40+ year old siblings who are also alcoholics have been living together. I’ll always have compassion & prey for them, but I know I do not owe them anything because they were violent & psychologically abusive to me. I’m just so glad that I listened to my intuition and split my ties with them.
@@Co-wx7ij , That’s so sweet 🪽. To be flat out honest I’ve done so much better since I ended contact with them. I’ve been able to face a lot of the fears and insecurities they projected onto me during my youth. I hope you’re even happier as well along your no-contact with toxic relatives journey. Survivors of child abuse deserve the happiness and confidence that was always taken from them during their upbringing 🕊️.
That’s so strange, I replied yesterday, but either I accidentally deleted it or UA-cam’s algorithm did. I’ve kind of been on social media’s “naughty list” for questioning certain cv measures, and other political matters 🤣. What I meant to say is: Thank you, that’s so sweet 😌. I have been much happier sustaining no-contact. I’ve been able to face so many fears & insecurities they projected onto me as a child. My parents did sneak in a brief period of contact with me a year ago because they’re in their 70’s and eighties. But I was able to wake up after a few months and resume back to severing ties. I hope you as well are happier on your journey of no-contact with harmful relatives 🕊️✨. Every survivor of child abuse deserves the happiness and confidence that was usually stolen from them during their youth.
Wow! Thank you so much. All of this rings true with me. So thankful for you sharing your knowledge and experience. Delaying the “no” doesn’t help the other person. Once I realized that it was much easier to say no. Love your realness and your humor and your accent😊
Oh yes. Guilt and shame upbringing caused me to literally work myself to death. I had a massive emotional breakdown and so crippled, I couldn’t go out in public or drive for 6 months. Had to quit my job, could hardly feed myself. This shit is real. It has taken me 5 years to recover and I still have horrible anxiety, even with medication. I did not learn how to self care growing up and sure as hell was not allowed to look out for myself. I married 2 men who were both narcissistic. What a mess!
Well I've been setting and setting those boundaries. Doing my emotional literacy, grieving for the childhood injuries, and certainly my friendships at last are improving. So I'm not feeling so very alone, also not feeling so needy. Thank you for all the info.
My childhood was rife with Baptist religious fanaticism. I filled the rest of my life being a slave to a first 7-year marriage to an overt narcissist, followed by a 40-year marriage to a covert narcissist. Now 3-years divorced from the latter and working hard on my codependency. Thank you for your insightful help!
Religions can be so awful - like their Golden Rule doesn't count in terms of regard for women. Or children. The pagans were not right about that either.
@@sage9836 Yes, that's why men always have such a wonderful time in these religions. No one is asking them to work until they die, no one is telling them to set their emotions aside to accommodate others, no one is shaming men at all by attaching their self worth to how well they are able to take care of women and children and the natural competetiveness between males hasn't been exploited to the point of having them kill each other in droves over some political agenda that's not even theirs. Those things never happen and if they do, it's men that did it to other men, so it doesn't count. It's not like the abusive elements of religions or ideologies are designed to force everyone into interdependent dysfunctional roles, it's just the women and children who are abused. Of course, as soon as male children become parents, they suddenly turn into the abusers and we shouldn't consider where their behaviour comes from. All we need to know, is that they were taught everything bad by their abusive fathers because they were around so often, especially during the pre-cognitive developmental phase of their childrens lives that governs most of their deep seeded instinctive behaviours. All we need to know, is that these problems are uniquely male and that the only true victims are uniquely female... and children. Luckily, there's us, the virtuous men that outcompete the bad men in our ability to care for the helpless women and children that are abused by men and men only. We're way better at it than those horrible men from that other tribe, so surely we never have a reason to act like victims and complain. We are obligated to make ourselves as invulnerable and powerful as possible, because we are tasked with saving women and children. It stands to reason that we create a political system that treats women as helpless creatures that shouldn't be held responsible as much as us powerful men. This system will make sure bad men are punished because they are so powerful and pretty much invulnerable compared to women. Surely this system will be the least abusive known to humanity and it has never been tried before, because no one is as virtuous as us, powerful men. /s
That codependant fight response...my God you nailed it. My narc ex was a former Army infantry combat soldier and I was in martial arts. He was verbally abusive before he ever got physical, but when it went there... Yes I was in part very fearful.... Until it turned to rage. He had a lot more training than I did, and he learned fast I was not going to curl into a ball of fear. When it got bad, I knew I was going to have bruises and bite marks, and even a few broken bones. So I told him, I would make damn sure the world knew where they came from. I would gouge chunks out of his face and neck, whatever I could reach. It wasn't just to mark him though. My Sensei had taught us that it was imperative for us women to get some DNA under our fingernails because if we either got away, or, worst case scenario, we were killed, the forensics evidence under our nails would give law enforcement the lead they needed. After a while, the rage wouldn't leave. It grew deeper and bigger and I began to envision removing him from the world. I was on the road to a break, a snap and possibly doing time and my teenage kids didn't need that. I left to save us, but I left to save his life, even as miserable as he makes it. Now it is his and his alone and he can bloody well keep it.
I also, “Was” a raging co-dependent, though getting better every day thanks to your insight. I just wanted to share that, as we know, some people actually do follow through on suicidal threats, as in my own past relationship. I would love to hear your thoughts on the devastating affects on the partner left standing in a future video. Thank you for all your help.
You are Right On, Richard! This video was very helpful---especially the part of forgiving one's self after daring to love---and being betrayed in the worst way! Life is still a gift!
Yes, thank you, Broken Heart, Trust and Betrayed. Being older than you, I don't know how much I can recover. I never imagined anything like that could have happened especially without his remorse, sorrow, care. So many Lies. And, the Knife in the BACK !
My sister threatened suicide when I moved out of our shared apartment after she moved her boyfriend in. I moved home and then called the apartment and found out she had failed to pay the one bill she was responsible for. When she came over to our parents, she cried and said she wouldn't be able to make it without me. I refused to go back. She ended up going to therapy. I disconnected with here many times. I finally made my final disconnect in 2017. Some family members cant understand why I have totally cut both her and my dad out of my life. I was the golden child and my sister was the scapegoat for my dad. My dad pitted us against each other. I grew up as an enabler. Now I see. Now I understand. No more.
It's such a good content for where I am now! The elastic finally broke and it's a mess... It hurt me and the person pulling it. It's not the first time it happened unfortunately and I'm a bit more conscious of the dynamic and I'm gathering information on a daily basis to avoid falling into a pit of depression and toxic obsession. It's a huge struggle. All those strong reactions bursting in my head and me trying to make room for all of it and contain it and find compassion for all those broken parts of me... I feel so enraged and I want to direct this rage for a change away from me but I'm like a wild animal caught in a snare who wants to bite anyone that comes closer. And even if I try to apply rationality to this reaction it says ”Someone did it to you! You haven't set the fucking snare!”. And I feel a new wave of rage and I want to rip the guy apart into pieces. But I'm not blinded by this rage and I see that I walked into the trap voluntarily. No one forced me to play this fucking game of tag. I wanted to be caught and pinned to the board because I don't know how to take responsibility for my life. It's too big, too chaotic, too anxiety provoking, too complicated, too mysterious, too adult thing to do... I know how to be tough grinding my teeth but I don't want to live this way and I don't know any other.
michael keeble : Hi Michael! Count me in, retired Air Force. I never complained. I’d had enough of my ex-husband one day.........when I stopped my mouth, he said “I thought I was in the ring with Mighty Mouse!” I’m no longer a co-dependent person. Happy day!
Hello Richard, I just found your channel, last week, loving your vídeos, including the "wakeup call". I totaly agree with you about the society falling on saying no. I'am professor on Brazil and I see what you descibes, on and on. By the way, I'm working on my codepence and your videos are helping a lot. Love your sense of humor!!!
Hmm, to avoid another French Revolution, "Elastic band Theory". Learning,/ practicing saying "No", AT THE OUTSET !!! Later is too late and as I found out, dangerous. Love your stuff, great production Richard 👍 Trudi 🐞Australia
"And 'Will to Equality'-that itself shall henceforth be the name of virtue; and against all that hath power will we raise an outcry!"
Ye preachers of equality, the tyrant-frenzy of impotence crieth thus in you for "equality": your most secret tyrant-longings disguise themselves thus in virtue-words!
-- Nietzsche 🕷️
Exactly the line I would have chosen. Thankyou!
'your most secret tyrant-longings disguise themselves thus in virtue-words!'
Is this a super-complex way of saying: STFU; you virtue signaling baby? Haha.
Doug can you see why some people claim he’s a greater psychologist than philosopher? Would there even be Psychoanalytic theory without him?
“Secret tyrant longings” toddler narcissism sublimated as “virtuous equality”.
Some people loathe him which I totally get, but no one can say he wasn’t smart.
@@RICHARDGRANNON He is quite brilliant and cuttingly insightful at times. It's no wonder he talks a fair bit about the hatred of the envious. Have you come across Jung's take on him? I found Jung's observations very helpful for gaining more understanding of both of them.
@@Janarchist85 great contributions 🙏 A Jungian favorite -
“He who looks in the mirror of the water, first sees his own image. He who looks at himself, risks to meet himself. The mirror does not flatter, it shows accurately what is reflected in it, namely that face that we never show the world because we hide it by the persona, the mask of the actor. This is the first test of courage on the inner path, a test, which is enough to frighten most people, because the encounter with oneself belongs to those unpleasant things, one avoids as long as one can project the negative onto the environment.”
Carl Jung
I felt the pressure of trying to be smiley and friendly to everyone at work, was actually preventing me from functioning and doing my job, and it made me even more anxious around people. Then suddenly these words came to me: 'You're not going to hit it off with everyone. You can live your life fully, without being everyone's friend.' I turned that into one of my affirmations, and I found that I started communicating with people more, once the internal pressure of "be everyone's friend" was removed.
MrCool Mug good for you brother!! Glad to hear that you found a way to balance. I always say, private and work, separate this. In most cases coworkers are not your friends and you don’t need to have their approval if you are a pleasant person or not. Let them say he is a hard efficient employee. That’s more of value you know. Just work together, do the work what’s expected from you and when you leave the job, go in private mode. You are there to make money for a living. You are not there to make friends. That’s it. You keep doing you! ❤️
I can relate...
You literally explained my earlier life to the point
Yup I can relate brother. Be yourself and no apologies for that
A good point! 👍🏻
My bad relationships taught me more about myself than all of the others combined.
Hell yeah mines to
people are mirror to who you are. Those you choose to be with close/intimate are the ones that show the closest reflection of you.
you saying this means you’re a healthy kind-hearted person.
I took a bath recently where I was relaxed and comfortable in the “womb” of the bath water. I went under and imagined myself being reborn. I cut off my biological mother and father. It hurts me still that I had to do it. I imagined myself reborn of Mother Earth and Father God. I rose up from the water realizing that I don’t owe my mother and father anything. They were merely the vehicle that brought me to this earth. Unfortunately, after bad conditioning in childhood, creating me, the co dependent, I let their hold on me go. I don’t need to run to the rescue anymore or worry about their life choices. I am free.
Targeted by EVIL I feel you, good luck to you! It can only get better. I felt so conflicted about cutting out toxic people that I knew were doing me harm. No more. I know how to say NO.
@Targeted by EVIL hugs.. urnotalone.. ever.. tlc
Spirit Messages Tarot : Brilliant idea! God bless you!
I understand how you felt and i'm glad you found a way to be rid of them, much love, might try it ❤
Beautiful!! ✨✨✨
"Going with the flow have gotten us to this point."
The only fish that 'go with the flow' are dead fish.
@@carlaheine8466 Yes!
So true! We have to figure out who we are and what we stand for.
@@carlaheine8466 soooo true.
A medicare disability card 20 years ahead of time.
Honestly, if you had shown up with a whiteboard and told me what was going on with it, I totally would have walked away. You have a brutally honest heart, and I have found you, a knowledgeable yet complete stranger far more authentic than my abuser ever was.
we could have done a Thelma and Louise, because I would have RUN! Too bad we only have the lessons we learned the hard way.
I was in a 17 year Narcissistic Realtionship and I mistaken Loyalty for Obedience. I thought I was standing by this man, being patient (while I was being completely gas lighted)
Thank you for your videos
They demand blind loyalty to them while they betray you in each moment.
" Not being able to say "No", that's the sickness! " True !
Its been a difficult life. So much abuse
So true
Sometimes its because no one is aking, or hearing...
It's even a brain injury caused by narc upbringing.
That's why we have to repattern our brain to undoe the damidge after the abuse.
I kept trying to understand the feeling that kept making me go back to him. I finally realized that I felt bad for him and was worried for him. This helped me to break free. He was an asshole. I should be thinking of my own needs. And the long healing journey began, again. And it's fungi awesome. Excellent Richard.
Codependents will betray ourselves to not betray another.
Oh hell yes!
Story of my life.
TRUE and DEEP!
Uhg.. That's so true
I betrayed my children in order to please and to avoid betraying another. Thankfully we got through it and as adults now they’ve forgiven me and understand the dynamics of codependency. People pleasing is as addictive and destructive as being addicted to drugs.
@@007Tinkins
Thank you... you just OPENED my eyes to what I did... I never thought of it like that! I betrayed my children too as my mother betrayed my sister and I.
Co-dependancy...we pride ourselves with our 'understanding' we need to understand our part in the problem, it's time to stop being afraid, and one of my favourite RG sayings is.....'say NO! With a smile' say no with understanding, kindness and compassion. It's time that the new generations had adults to support them, not children raising children. This system has surely run it's course?
I think we can form the concept of a system that run it's cause, only because we 've been through it. We crossed to the other side.
@e Take it down a few. All I m saying, it's easy for those who have experienced abuse and got out , to realise looking back, that there is 'a system'. Abusers come with an agenda. Once you are out of their reach, you can see the agenda but not before. That's all.
I love the Rumi quote; it's not your job to seek love, it's your job to seek all the barriers within you build against it.
It's really nice to see so many people motivated to recovery. Healing ourselves, heals the system.
@e sorry but that's a very generalised comment about someone you don't know! I'm saying no...with a smile to people who hurt me, sorry if that offends you.
Or say; “Whatever”
Along the same line… I’m a nurse in the USA and we don’t have “patients” anymore we have “clients” who grade hospitals based on their experience... These Press Gainey scores are very subjective and are based on patient satisfaction and comfort. Well, being in the hospital and recovering from surgery is not a pleasure cruise... it’s hard work! But patients are now clients, and dictate their own care. “No nurse, I don’t want to walk today it hurts!” Then they develop terrible consequences for not following nursing or doctor orders and it’s the hospital’s fault for not taking care of them. Clients want to sit in bed, have an all you can eat narcotic buffet, take no responsibility for their personal progress, and then blame the hospital, doctors, and nurses when they don’t get better. It is crazy making!
The other problem is though the system is up to it's eyeballs in fraud especially the education system and the medical industry, our doctors are abusing us and making us feel ashamed for our very real pain even the doctors office nearby is doing it and the nurse there even yells at the kids, this is because they're teaching a lot of people in indian medical schools to scam the system and it's the only thing they're teaching they were caught by watchdog inspection but it was too late and they continued. At least that's where it started and now everyone is doing it.
Then what they're doing is fixing the books, creating ghost patients, and then stealing all the money until the office goes into complete disrepair when it has to close claiming they had no choice. Same thing is happening to schools and now becoming worse as they formed all these "academies" that is known for fraud which is just helping making it easier to get away with it. The system itself is in a state of collapse so along with it the people have collapsed and has been doing so gradually since the 1960s.
Now what's happened is people have no choice but to take things into their own hands because nothing is reliable or giving them what they need, they've left patients die in hospitals because giving them insulin or something "costs money" and they just left it to the family members as if they even knew what to do but didn't even show them how to do it when it as obvious they didn't. So instead they lie and said they would send someone over to do it and then didn't.
My local hospital has had who knows how many incidents like that happen and frankly my brother had to tell a hospital my uncle had diabetes because they were acting stupid and trying not to do anything, my brother had to insist several times until they took any action. Sadly his mental health wasn't good after that and it didn't end well. But apparently to doctors, teachers, and a lot of people in other professions nobody else is facing problems and abuse and just having a feast or being abusive towards them for no reason, but people only reflect back onto you how they're being treated and nobody can trust the system.
So nobody can talk about people not taking responsibility lol when it's all a mess and frankly they aren't allowed to because if it doesn't hold onto the money so they can steal as much of it as they can it's a no and you also get bullied and abused for it if not completely alienated out trying to insist they make the right decision. The right decisions aren't even in the bosses best interest right now and so people are despairing and stuck in this, although yes there are a lot of things we should and need to take responsibility for with ourselves and our lives but those up top have totally relinquished responsibility for the people by not letting it's employees take responsibility, they've completely abandoned us for quite a while now as soon as all the covid stuff happened they pulled out the last straw and now we're just in a limbo of no real stable system.
So it's like "well if they don't care then why should i?" and so yes they've gone lazy but there's nothing out there for us right now either and people are bored and they've given up on it and frankly so i have i for the most part there's no point in asking. I've had to go through a process of figuring out ways to make everything as easy and simple as possible for myself that requires the least effort possible honing my organizational, study, and note taking skills and finding something that works for all occasions because nobody wants me to put in more effort into anything i can't you aren't allowed to. I do with anything i'm doing in my own time but anywhere else it's not in the cards to provide quality service.
Broken Heart Syndrome: Chest pain, shortness of breath, may have a rapid or very irregular heartbeat, can mimic heart attack. Some potential triggers are domestic abuse, divorce and strong arguments. Blood flow in the arteries of the heart may be reduced. In rare cases, Broken Heart Syndrome is fatal.
Ignatia amara - a homeopathic remedy is wonderful for this ☝️
Seriously
How do you reverse broken heart syndrome? I've always wore my heart on my sleeve.
@@deegeo3659 Take it off your sleeve? 🤔
@@AliceDont888 I so need to! It's easier said then done. Truly need to find my Bitch mode!
You are exactly correct, I don't trust myself any longer to choose safe people.
just avoid sheep mentality altogether.. narcissistically-tied situations -- putting a foot down at its impetus, would have removed children from participating in a situation, and their resultant mental circumstances.. folie a deux ou cinquante, exactement.. they should be listening to this -- should have had school psychologists in the 90s! co-dependent and leaving.. lol ugh.. there are many shrinks out there.. and find group/individual healing.. "inability to say no".. exactly -- acquiescing to a group, and its effects later in life
and they may ask themselves, why do i feel weak, low-vibe, powerless, low self-ego, low self-worth, etc.. well, the proof is in the pudding, and their lack of stance and self-reflection and/or introspection.... and asking for permission, etc.... like huh? permission? permission to speak, ask? etc.. making something "normal," very "abnormal".. need to challenge the status quo in life
neither do I. trusted sibling stabbed me in the back
I don't either. So awful
Are there really any "safe people"? Your safety comes from YOU not THEM.
THIS ! About three years ago I started to realize I had to make hard decisions (that obviously included the word NO) and it felt like hostage negotiations. I remember just finally hearing this phrase as a mother in my head “I cannot be held hostage to threats...” family can be such subtle Stockholm syndrome for the Mum. When I started doing the very hard work as a codependent I had a lot of wailing and nashing of teeth. Then subtle hint of being responsible for failures. Then I lost my sweetest and kindest mom of the life award. In comparison to being a saint all those years, I rose like the Mother Cracken ...I had to fall off that pedestal.... I was empty. Now I am just a fellow human being, saying no on purpose and sometimes just for practice. And rather whining for reciprocity of my kind of martyrdom of giving and service, I simply return to others an equal investment as they give.
Hi Amanda, I'm a man and I recognised the "family environment" which You described.That kind of family "teamwork"really sucks😱
Can you win mum of the year whilst whining ?
Perhaps it was so quiet as to be almost inaudible ?
Im completely on board with your 'no hostages' maxim .
That is hard won but stable territory that teaches all inhabitants things of real value
SO TRUE, The moment when The rubber band snapped I was then crucified for my actions. The one moment gives them a reason to blame you and crucify you as if that moment defines your personality and who you are. It becomes the catalyst of irrational relentless tourcher while using the incident to justify there actions. A futile game of survivor that can never be won because the goal posts are always changing. The only way out is to quit the game.
It' is exhausting!!
Yes. Your desire for retribution will be used against you. It lets them frame you as the scary aggressor.
Reactive Abuse. Don't get lured in.
I began saying calmly the moment she'd begin attacks-
" I'm not being lured into your setup "
I can relate
As a young man i feel like i have been guilted into being dependent and now i feel like i have never had even the oppurtunity to be a person of my own.
30 Day Challenge. Emotional Literacy course. You'll find your way.
I know a middle aged man who never changed and he still lives with his mother at 50 years old... She has made him dependent, complains about his dependence, but will guilt trip him when he communicates his new plan to break free. She then manipulates him into staying by playing on his guilt. It's so unhealthy and he is not happy at all. Time is finite......take that opportunity, just take it...
Same mate, I'm 24 turning 25 and I literally feel like all my essence and energy was robbed from me when I was young
I’m 54 and just realizing that I did not sprout the agency to find myself and make choices outside of serving my unwell parents my whole life. Now that I am no longer hiding from the responsibility to be my own person, I am too ill to get out of bed most of the time. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome research has shown a high number of traumatized people. PLEASE don’t become another statistic! Do the program Richard offers as though your very life depends upon it, for it may very well be the case.
@@tubbyrainbow111 You're STILL young, 25 is certainly not old. Lol lol
Being a codependent I found a great solution to relationships......I don't have them anymore too much emotional hard work. I'm content now not having to think about someone else
Here here!
I totally get it...but that’s not really healing. Avoiding your triggers doesn’t help you in the long run..Being triggered and being able to walk your way to a different ending is recovery.
@@daniellen8258 I know but I'm too long in the tooth now to be bothered. Menopause doesn't help either. 😂
I've always been better single I think it suits me. I'm happy on my own
Ditto
@@daniellen8258 I will disagree, I think avoiding your triggers does help you heal, especially if you have been living in the fight/flight mode for years. Growth is another matter and yes, I think you need to push yourself to grow. But I'm with the OP, I have chosen to just not have relationships. 6+ years now. Rearing children, having relationships with family members and friend is challenging enough lol
Co dependant enablers! We have to stop! We're the ones with the knowledge, we're the ones who have introspection, it is our job to fix, but it has to start with fixing us first. Thank you Richard.
I grew up in a cult. I am codependent. I am 36 years old and just learning all of this 😔
Enjoy saying 'no' to people. It's marvellous fun 😉 Fight on!
I was 52 when I found this.
Age like time is relative. You're finding it our period...that's what matters. Courage and strength to you🙏🏼
This is one of Rich’s best videos in my view, -There’s depth here - it cuts to the heart of a very painful matter ... great stuff.
Mate I love it, I think you're literally the only one explaining what's happening perfectly right now
As I slowly heal, trauma bonds start to fall apart.
Trauma bonds don’t “fall apart”. They’re always there. We can just be aware of them and enter relationships more consciously and endure it’s not built on trauma bonds.
@@marinahendou8517 I disagree with you. I can no longer give empathy to many people that I used to and they have left disappointed. Also sometimes boundaries are there so nothing is what it used to be.
@@strandedinanisland457 I’m a licensed clinician. I watch this play out in people’s lives every day. I assure you, they don’t go away. And if you think they do you leave yourself in a vulnerable situation. You will either shut people out to avoid your TB being triggered (seeing a bogey man where there’s none there) or you will believe they’ve “fallen away” and toxic people will show up in your life appearing very different from the ones your used to. You won’t even know they’re there until you find yourself in a state of despair whilst scratching your head wondering how you ended up back here “when they seemed so different”. Think of it like an alcoholic who hasn’t drank in 20 years. He still refers to himself as a “recovering” alcoholic. He doesn’t say I used to be an alcoholic. It’s always there. So if you want to believe they just “fall away” then go for it and good luck.
@@marinahendou8517 seems to me that you're context and mine is very different. I'm not one of your patient or someone you even know. Toxic people don't go away, I know that. What I meant is that I no longer can give them empathy and enable them. Not sure why this argument is going on at all?
Richard, your mental health fortress tools are helping me tremendously. Along with the tools given from my therapist,I began, about 3 months ago, with the hand mantra, the "talking to my child as my parents" hypnosis technique..now I have my professional license again, am working again which has boosted my self esteem and have a far better outlook as well as better coping skills. I continue to work the tools as this is a continuous process of healing codependency. Also, I appreciate your humorous way of being a "tough love" type of coach. Thank you.
24:44 more often, nobody is actually asking for help (manipulators are too proud to ask for help), what they do instead is "nag and complain about their situation" so long that the codependent themselves start to think that "they are asking for help".
Being able to see the difference between "complaining" and "asking for the help" is a sigh of healthy adult people.
If that’s not my father 😒
People don't care to help when they finally want to help though and you never know who is seeking help or otherwise. You're not them I've learned this the hard way
@@EnglishAaron you say "YOU", but really you are saing "I".... right? 😉
@@1RPJacob Yes
My brother died 💔 on this day 20 yrs ago. He was the sweetest man & subject to manipulation 35 years
The freedom of death will propel him back to the Future 💙
Thank you Richie. Your work is uncredible helpful for all of us Codependents. I was even contitionned NOT asking for help outside. I was humiliated and ashamed. After 3,5 years of following you, doing your courses I am now beginning (at the age of 57) to build an inner loving and nourrishing adult which can criticise my errors in a motivating and encouriging way and not like the internalised adult of my abusers which was working only with shame. I was not allowed to be an adult by my mom. She worked with shame and fear and made me believe that I am not capable facing life challenges etc etc. and I believed all this shit. Now I see that this is her stuff.
I am so greatfull to see and learn the truth. After building a caring and protecting adult my inner child now feel safe enough to face all the pain, to come out of the denial and to go through the grieving process and becoming more and more humble. Be able to accept failure is an incredible gift.Your last course is the best I ever did. First I was not ready to do this but now I am. It was really tough and it is still tough but I am a different person. Still much work to do but now I am exciting and motivated because deep inside I know that healing is possible. First I felt only despair dispite the inner work I was doing.Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. Wishes from Italy ♥
I felt so good being a fixer and it took a total turnaround in Coda to get that I was so unwell I couldn't help anyone even though I was convinced I was on top of life. I was in denial of this compulsion. Also the violence and emotional terror of childhood was an objective memory common to everyone in the family despite the narratives of the roles which made out some of us were unaffected and in control. Denial, control, fixing and minimising paradoxically create the weakness and woozy surrender to narcissistic people. The brain circuits are all muddled up.
I came across a great vid by Theramin Trees: Letting Go of Fixing People. I hope you find it as personally insightful as I did.
I live in a quite closed society and got well thanks to hours and hours of your videos and advice, plus online served therapy. THANK YOU!!@
Every time in history when citizens start waking up those at the top declare a war.
Look at the actual situation. People started demonstrating in the world and they create a lockdown. 😉
I really needed to hear that POV on realistic expectations for a work environment. Would love to hear more on codependency and work life.
Me too. I second that.
I learned I was a codependent and had CPTSD from the book Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency, and Complex PTSD by Linda Hill. This whole video spoke volumes to me. Like a play-by-play of the things I have experienced. My parents are narcissistic, i have dated one narcissist after another, and my ex-wife of 9 years was a severe Narcissist. It is extraordinary to listen to this and put together even more pieces of the enormous puzzle I have been working on in my healing process.
Thanks for all you do.
Thank you for talking about the suicide threat. Dealing with that now with a self incapacitated elderly parent living in my home. Finally coming up with a plan to get her out. Not feeling guilty about it anymore, either.
I'm so grateful this is being acknowledged and talked about. Its Very true and such a relief to hear someone talk about the reality of what is going on.
“He who looks in the mirror of the water, first sees his own image. He who looks at himself, risks to meet himself. The mirror does not flatter, it shows accurately what is reflected in it, namely that face that we never show the world because we hide it by the persona, the mask of the actor. This is the first test of courage on the inner path, a test, which is enough to frighten most people, because the encounter with oneself belongs to those unpleasant things, one avoids as long as one can project the negative onto the environment.” - Carl Jung
❤
Lucky enough to be living alone to heal body and mind just in time.
Grieving has opened powerful psychic skills. Treading water to get to this point.
Thanks Richard for arming me in such powerful ways along with my already ferocious intent, I'm ready for whats next. Hashtag no longer trying to be the best slave I can.
Its easier to just be a strong person instead.
You are the silliest, most wittiest person I don't know. Great work!
Wow- I missed this live - but I didn’t move out until I was 25 because I was afraid of my mom committing suicide- when I got fed up and finally left in bad terms she’d call and leave voicemails saying if I didn’t come back she would kill herself.
Glad you’re taking about this. And about how to take personal responsibility to get out of the dysfunction.
My parents talk about suicude too often. I moced out at 21 then again at 22. My mum had organized a poor paying job for me in her homectown. I know now that the bad pay and her hometown were deliberate. Despicable woman. Despicable father aswell. Evil and awful people
So did she?
@@yousufleads ha hope ya not training to be a counsellor 🙄
Could've used those voice mails to have her committed.
How you answered that last question, was full of understanding, heart , compassion and genuine-ness.... thank you Richard, you helped sooth my heart as well.
Awesome content as usual... you are reaching many of us who need to hear what you have to say. Thank you for gifting us with your knowledge...💕
He is the best at explaining things and has helped me realize i have always been a co dependent. I have been with 2 covert narcissists and it is a horrible way to live. They try and take everything from you- your self worth etc. I think this man is a genius!! I love him ❤
That intimate moment of guilting/manipulating/vulnerability/confusion/pressing my childhood trauma button... my need to stay merged... my irrational fear of disappointing...my flashback of loosing mommy love...my fawning...my shame...my focus and my value is in the other...the other feelings are me...I have no sense of me as an independent individual with feelings, wants, boundaries, value, morals, energy, body in that moment....I am an amusement park and the ticket is my submission. Thank You...All that you teach is changing that moment in me. I Am.
You’re doing great Richard! You make my day! I love visiting you and hearing your message!! 20 months No Contact now and “flourishing in life .”
As a child with many questions about "Why does nothing make any sense...why are these adults so cruel in their ignorance?" I went looking for a book to help answer my instinctual questions. A childrens Bible would have really helped. However in our atheist inhabited home, that just wasn't possible. Thankfully God planted The Prophet by Gibran tucked away in a cardboard box on our dirty porch.
☺️ sweet!
Thank you Richard, I am currently in the throws of the back and forth leading to a much needed breakup. Hearing you talk about my programming feels like I'm understood for the first time. This is the first time I've heard anyone articulate the way my toxic relationships function and really for the first time, I have hope that someday I can trust myself to pick a good partner, which is good because I am 47 years old. I definitely have a lot to learn about self love and creating & upholding boundaries. This was so helpful and gives my therapist and I something to base my healing and my plans for my future because my days are feeling pretty finite, and I feel like I've wasted to much time being stuck in trauma. My son needs to see me happy. Unlike the spoiled turds you spoke of, he is a loving, compassionate, hard working young man! In fact, I should share this video with him. He might need it someday but I hope not.
Would there be another area, where someone tells you that you won’t survive without them? Therimin trees does this piece on infantilization which I found really frightening yet, telling about our culture.
The person I was with before would tell me I was a child yet also force me to parent them and I think it really broke something inside of me.
my daily dosage of hurtful truth preventing me from hurt
truth takes away with one hand, but always gives back with two.
From the depths of my soul Richard, thank you. Helping me through such a dark, fucking anguished time right now. I'm starting a DBT therapy program soon too and am determined to transmute my suffering into higher consciousness. I loved this video, especially the flute analogy.. Had tears streaming down my face by the end because you helped me understand something so significant to how I accept and integrate what has been done to me by the person I love/d. For everything you do and for this community big love, respect and gratitude.
Finally someone has said it exactly as it is from all angles! You're my hero and your voice is about to become my voice and his final heads up because I'm already beyond the line. I have began to give back the wrongs done to me ...I wish I could say its and eye for an eye but that wasn't enough to satisfy my rage that was once love and compassion. I gone a wee bit further than my keeper. And it felt good. I'm actually looking forward to his next pathetic reach to control. My eyes are finally open thanks to you. I've felt alone up until now.
Thank you so much. I'm beyond grateful 🙏. I will use this in the only way I know how...in service of other. Xx
Love this Richard!!!! It’s an amazing gift to ‘see’ what’s truly going on 🙌
Thank you. You hit home on so many points. Emotional literacy is something I am struggling to find words to describe the range of my feelings, however, I do find ranting on paper is helpful. I really appreciated the flute analogy. It broke my heart open, which is so necessary. I appreciate all the free therapy. I feel that the skills are really working. Hello from the US
Hi Richard, you are truly unique in your ability to touch the parts other therapists/mentors/life coaches cannot reach! Listening to this video, especially at the end when you are talking about the damage and hurt to the heart, I was taken to a very deep place of hurt within myself. Thank you for all your insight and knowledge, it’s amazing.
I seriously have had to keep re-watching this beautiful monologue. I have to emphasize just *how* valuable the information contained *just* in the first 30 minutes has been to me. Thank you, Richard.
I think today I reached that breaking point where I realized what I have been doing and the feeling of guilt and shame and anger is enormous. I feel terrible regret that I wasted myself and my life on this shit.
Don't feel ashamed. Life is learning...🙂
I did 23years. Today is a brand new day! Thank God for today and don't live in the past. Just learn from it.
Every time I watch your videos, you put my pain in perspective and find myself with the answers to my reality in words I still cannot echo. Yet freedom is my sum. Ty
Rich, apart from great help, you are a great english language lesson with your 'Rich' vocabulary.😂 I found the most difficult time is when you leave the past behind and you have to acquire a sense of direction from scratch. That's the hardest.
IEl tr Same here 😂 I’m from Europe but I’m not from the UK. I use yt to watch videos on my favorite topics and to improve my English at the same time. When I first started to watch Richard I was like “omg I don’t understand a word” because I was not used to the British accent and the vocabulary 😂 Even though we were taught British English in school, not American English 😁 I had level B2 back then but still had to use subtitles on his channel all the time. I’m close to C2 now and don’t use English subtitles anymore. I understand him perfectly now. I really enjoy watching him now without any “stress”. This channel has taught me so much it’s incredible! Nice to see other people are here for the same combination of reasons 💛
@@katana5562Good to see we get the most out of it! (Tricky expression not sure it's correct). I think it's his distinctive tone of voice that seals the words in memory😁
@@el6178 The only way we can grow and develop ourselves is when we can leave the past behind and learn not to look back as however hard we wish to change the past It is impossible, we are able to aim at creating a nice future for ourselves and should only learn to focus on that.
Love your stuff Richard, keep it up. You have a depth to your explanations others don't seem to scratch, and it really makes all the difference.
Thank you Richard for this timely session 🙏
This is seriously solid gold ✨ really really helpful-thank you 🙏
Your kindness is bursting through your conscience words and coaching. i learn so much from you. Thank you.
I've been following Richard on UA-cam for a few years now and he has been very informative and insightful 👍
Its been nice noticing his evolution that reflects on his energy and over-all appearance. More grounded, strong, and stylish.😍 Much gratitude for this work
You were such a huge influence to my awakening 3+ years ago and I will always be eternally grateful. This is very hard work, but so worth the efforts. You’re a brilliant and interesting guy Richard. Thanks for bringing your light to the world. ✨🙏✨
Ahh... the ability to say "no" you have honed in on a very intricate dynamic. Your truth rings of experience❤🙏, so appreciate having your wisdom on this journey.
Thank you for this video, and all the others you have produced. I can't articulate the impact they have had on my life, and consequently the lives of my children ⚡️
This is really the best video I have listened. I resonated with me like nothing in my life.
This is life changing for me. THANK YOU!!!!!!!
"I've become a better person because of you! If you leave, I don't know what I'll do" Anything that sounds similar to those lines makes me want to flee and never look back. Thank you for talking about this and reminding me once again that I'm not a freak. 🌹
You have a point about not only the family microcosm doing the traumatizing. It’s also the societal macrocosm.. the institutions, media etc.
I agree. I said no and now I'm treated like I don't matter. Thank you for speaking the truth
Absolutely loved this. Thank you so much Richard. I've got so much work to do but I have a path to move towards now.
I call myself "The Fixer!"
I've been through great battles. One of the greatest just this past September. As I was about to rise, the entire world chimed in. Job loss, lockdowns, muzzled! As I found the strength to step out of the ring, I was thrown back in!
Finding myself relying on others for help, not familiar with this. I gave and gave until I got so depleted and thrown away like an old newspaper. Trying to mend in uncertain circumstances worldly is the most difficult task. Much strength
💪, inner knowing and healing is needed in these times.
Well, it explains why I became a scapegoat early on, because I stopped obeying by the age of twelve. I severed ties from my parents & siblings during my 20’s. I use to wrestle with guilt sometimes when I was struggling to get established.
But now I do not, and I wouldn’t trade my decisions with any of my relatives. I discovered a year ago that my alcoholic mom is about to become homeless. My dad and 40+ year old siblings who are also alcoholics have been living together.
I’ll always have compassion & prey for them, but I know I do not owe them anything because they were violent & psychologically abusive to me. I’m just so glad that I listened to my intuition and split my ties with them.
I know the journey too. Leaving family for self-preservation. Best decision ever. Hope your even happier now ❤
@@Co-wx7ij , That’s so sweet 🪽. To be flat out honest I’ve done so much better since I ended contact with them. I’ve been able to face a lot of the fears and insecurities they projected onto me during my youth.
I hope you’re even happier as well along your no-contact with toxic relatives journey. Survivors of child abuse deserve the happiness and confidence that was always taken from them during their upbringing 🕊️.
That’s so strange, I replied yesterday, but either I accidentally deleted it or UA-cam’s algorithm did. I’ve kind of been on social media’s “naughty list” for questioning certain cv measures, and other political matters 🤣.
What I meant to say is: Thank you, that’s so sweet 😌. I have been much happier sustaining no-contact. I’ve been able to face so many fears & insecurities they projected onto me as a child. My parents did sneak in a brief period of contact with me a year ago because they’re in their 70’s and eighties. But I was able to wake up after a few months and resume back to severing ties.
I hope you as well are happier on your journey of no-contact with harmful relatives 🕊️✨. Every survivor of child abuse deserves the happiness and confidence that was usually stolen from them during their youth.
Wow! Thank you so much. All of this rings true with me. So thankful for you sharing your knowledge and experience. Delaying the “no” doesn’t help the other person. Once I realized that it was much easier to say no. Love your realness and your humor and your accent😊
What a great video! Thank you so much for everything you do. You really are a very special person ❤
Oh yes. Guilt and shame upbringing caused me to literally work myself to death. I had a massive emotional breakdown and so crippled, I couldn’t go out in public or drive for 6 months. Had to quit my job, could hardly feed myself. This shit is real. It has taken me 5 years to recover and I still have horrible anxiety, even with medication.
I did not learn how to self care growing up and sure as hell was not allowed to look out for myself. I married 2 men who were both narcissistic. What a mess!
When you're not cutting to my core you're a freakin delight :)
Richard I am so grateful for this video. It has helped me so much, thank you 🙏❤
Well I've been setting and setting those boundaries. Doing my emotional literacy, grieving for the childhood injuries, and certainly my friendships at last are improving. So I'm not feeling so very alone, also not feeling so needy. Thank you for all the info.
My childhood was rife with Baptist religious fanaticism. I filled the rest of my life being a slave to a first 7-year marriage to an overt narcissist, followed by a 40-year marriage to a covert narcissist. Now 3-years divorced from the latter and working hard on my codependency. Thank you for your insightful help!
Religions can be so awful - like their Golden Rule doesn't count in terms of regard for women. Or children. The pagans were not right about that either.
@@sage9836
Yes, that's why men always have such a wonderful time in these religions. No one is asking them to work until they die, no one is telling them to set their emotions aside to accommodate others, no one is shaming men at all by attaching their self worth to how well they are able to take care of women and children and the natural competetiveness between males hasn't been exploited to the point of having them kill each other in droves over some political agenda that's not even theirs. Those things never happen and if they do, it's men that did it to other men, so it doesn't count.
It's not like the abusive elements of religions or ideologies are designed to force everyone into interdependent dysfunctional roles, it's just the women and children who are abused. Of course, as soon as male children become parents, they suddenly turn into the abusers and we shouldn't consider where their behaviour comes from. All we need to know, is that they were taught everything bad by their abusive fathers because they were around so often, especially during the pre-cognitive developmental phase of their childrens lives that governs most of their deep seeded instinctive behaviours. All we need to know, is that these problems are uniquely male and that the only true victims are uniquely female... and children.
Luckily, there's us, the virtuous men that outcompete the bad men in our ability to care for the helpless women and children that are abused by men and men only. We're way better at it than those horrible men from that other tribe, so surely we never have a reason to act like victims and complain. We are obligated to make ourselves as invulnerable and powerful as possible, because we are tasked with saving women and children. It stands to reason that we create a political system that treats women as helpless creatures that shouldn't be held responsible as much as us powerful men. This system will make sure bad men are punished because they are so powerful and pretty much invulnerable compared to women. Surely this system will be the least abusive known to humanity and it has never been tried before, because no one is as virtuous as us, powerful men.
/s
That codependant fight response...my God you nailed it. My narc ex was a former Army infantry combat soldier and I was in martial arts. He was verbally abusive before he ever got physical, but when it went there... Yes I was in part very fearful.... Until it turned to rage. He had a lot more training than I did, and he learned fast I was not going to curl into a ball of fear. When it got bad, I knew I was going to have bruises and bite marks, and even a few broken bones. So I told him, I would make damn sure the world knew where they came from. I would gouge chunks out of his face and neck, whatever I could reach. It wasn't just to mark him though. My Sensei had taught us that it was imperative for us women to get some DNA under our fingernails because if we either got away, or, worst case scenario, we were killed, the forensics evidence under our nails would give law enforcement the lead they needed. After a while, the rage wouldn't leave. It grew deeper and bigger and I began to envision removing him from the world. I was on the road to a break, a snap and possibly doing time and my teenage kids didn't need that. I left to save us, but I left to save his life, even as miserable as he makes it. Now it is his and his alone and he can bloody well keep it.
Your thoughts were very helpful today-especially your closing comments.
Ty Richard.
Love you Richard, my heart can’t thank you enough. Love your style, delivery, personality and great humor. From across 2 ponds, 👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼
Thank you for your insightfulness. Every day's a school day!
I also, “Was” a raging co-dependent, though getting better every day thanks to your insight. I just wanted to share that, as we know, some people actually do follow through on suicidal threats, as in my own past relationship. I would love to hear your thoughts on the devastating affects on the partner left standing in a future video. Thank you for all your help.
You are Right On, Richard! This video was very helpful---especially the part of forgiving one's self after daring to love---and being betrayed in the worst way! Life is still a gift!
This was one of your best videos, thank you, really insigthful
Yes, thank you, Broken Heart, Trust and Betrayed. Being older than you, I don't know how much I can recover. I never imagined
anything like that could have happened especially without his remorse, sorrow, care.
So many Lies. And, the Knife in the BACK !
You're not alone in feeling that way
My sister threatened suicide when I moved out of our shared apartment after she moved her boyfriend in. I moved home and then called the apartment and found out she had failed to pay the one bill she was responsible for. When she came over to our parents, she cried and said she wouldn't be able to make it without me. I refused to go back. She ended up going to therapy. I disconnected with here many times. I finally made my final disconnect in 2017. Some family members cant understand why I have totally cut both her and my dad out of my life. I was the golden child and my sister was the scapegoat for my dad. My dad pitted us against each other. I grew up as an enabler. Now I see. Now I understand. No more.
You are so entertaining in an educational kind of way. Thank you for all your knowledge and wisdom.💜
"We used to just say no." Damn... So many truth bombs woven in to this message. Thank you sincerely for your offerings, sending you Love 🙏💜💙
When the worm turns it becomes a snake
Richard, you are great, so interesting, knowledgable, and easy on the eyes. Thank you.
Excellent, spot on as usual. This one hit home.
Thank you! 💯🙋🏼♀️
It's such a good content for where I am now! The elastic finally broke and it's a mess... It hurt me and the person pulling it. It's not the first time it happened unfortunately and I'm a bit more conscious of the dynamic and I'm gathering information on a daily basis to avoid falling into a pit of depression and toxic obsession. It's a huge struggle. All those strong reactions bursting in my head and me trying to make room for all of it and contain it and find compassion for all those broken parts of me... I feel so enraged and I want to direct this rage for a change away from me but I'm like a wild animal caught in a snare who wants to bite anyone that comes closer. And even if I try to apply rationality to this reaction it says ”Someone did it to you! You haven't set the fucking snare!”. And I feel a new wave of rage and I want to rip the guy apart into pieces. But I'm not blinded by this rage and I see that I walked into the trap voluntarily. No one forced me to play this fucking game of tag. I wanted to be caught and pinned to the board because I don't know how to take responsibility for my life. It's too big, too chaotic, too anxiety provoking, too complicated, too mysterious, too adult thing to do... I know how to be tough grinding my teeth but I don't want to live this way and I don't know any other.
I wonder what happens when you build an army of recovered codependents, Richie? :)
Narcissists shit bricks.
michael keeble : Hi Michael! Count me in, retired Air Force. I never complained. I’d had enough of my ex-husband one day.........when I stopped my mouth, he said “I thought I was in the ring with Mighty Mouse!” I’m no longer a co-dependent person. Happy day!
Hello Richard, I just found your channel, last week, loving your vídeos, including the "wakeup call". I totaly agree with you about the society falling on saying no. I'am professor on Brazil and I see what you descibes, on and on.
By the way, I'm working on my codepence and your videos are helping a lot. Love your sense of humor!!!
You're a great storyteller. Always love it when you put on a voice and start acting your lines.
It is time indeed, the fleeting gesture of this life that transforms our purpose in every breath. Until there is no more. Being is brave.
Beautiful!
Hmm, to avoid another French Revolution, "Elastic band Theory".
Learning,/ practicing saying "No", AT THE OUTSET !!! Later is too late and as I found out, dangerous. Love your stuff,
great production Richard 👍
Trudi 🐞Australia
You are helping so many ppl Richard..Thank you is not enough but Thank you so very much.❤️
Every video u make is so full of information and I appreciate u sir what a beautiful mind and spirit u have Thank You × a million