The Skill Of Self-Confidence: How To Be Relaxed Talking To Anyone
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- Опубліковано 2 вер 2015
- SocialConfidenceCenter.com The Skill Of Self-Confidence: How To Be Relaxed Talking To Anyone
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[ Are you stuck in the performance game? Does every conversation or interaction you have feel like it has to live up to something? Do you constantly feel like you're being evaluated?
Today, we’re going to discuss various ways to become more relaxed around other people so that you can start putting yourself out there and stop judging everything you do.
The first thing you have to understand is that talking to people is not a performance. Many of us approach conversation as if we’re being graded on it . . . usually by ourselves. If you feel tense or pressured or if you’re “observing” yourself while you're having a conversation, that’s how you know you're in performance mode.
It doesn’t stop there, either! Most of the time, we also take a moment to analyzing ourselves after the conversation is complete: Was I good enough? Did I say the right things? Were they reacting to me well?
Performance mode is problematic for a number of reasons: Firstly, when you're in performance mode, you're on the spot. You're being evaluated. It’s similar to the mentality of taking an exam. When you’re taking an exam, are you spontaneous and fun and witty and humorous, or are you closed off and nervous and stilted and awkward? Option B, right?
Performance mode puts us in the mind frame of thinking things have to go a certain way or the conversation is a failure. When we start to think things aren’t going right, we freeze up and become tense . . . and the people around us can feel it. While that may not be a complete deal-breaker, it may push people away or detract from the outcome that you want in a given situation.
Another important factor to consider is that in performance mode, your focus us completely on you: How am I doing? What do I look like? What do people think of me? You become obsessed with your own presence. Guess what happens when we let that happen? We completely ignore the other person’s presence. Would you want to have a conversation with someone who was ignoring your presence?
This is the same for everything from a casual date to an important sales meeting:
The people we’re talking to want our attention! They want us to know we’re focused on them and their needs.
When we place the focus on ourselves, it kills our ability to do whatever we’re there to do.
Why is it so difficult to take the focus off of ourselves when we’re in a conversation? Well, in part, it’s because we’ve got our priorities misaligned: Conversation isn’t about proving something-it’s about connection.
So, what is connection and how do we create it? I think there are two ]
To read more, go here:
[socialconfidencecenter.com/upd...]
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When I was younger I thought to myself ''If you have nothing to say don't say anything'' It's so simple and it helped me a lot.
Thank you!
Even if you're interacting with a friend on a 1:1?
phil klu yes
@@pheeku6996 yes exactly it gets awkward if I don’t think of something to say
But what if it sounds stupid :((
"Performance mode" I couldn't figure out what it was that caused anxiety in my social life. I felt like I had to be so Impressive but it really not even that serious. Either they like me or they don't
BlackRoze so true
three take it or leave it
I think this video has told us clearly that we should not focus on our self, we should put our shoes in other's, be more emphatic to others. So that we will now that everyone is taking attention to themselves not ourself. In another word, dont always thinking world is judging us..
What causes your social anxiety, are the childhood events that happened to you when you were a child, those traumas shapes your core beliefs that generates all the thoughts and mental movies that you have . After 4 years, if you still feel that you aren't able to deal with this anxiety that you have in your social life. I'm offering free coaching for the first 10 qualified people who message me on my Instagram " I want to get into the program" by Sunday Dec 8 2019 at 2pm CET at @theboringkaps. Of course first you'll get to know me better , know who i am and how i overcame my social anxiousness :).hurry up! before i close the gates.
Anthony Kaps what if you’ve felt this way most your life like everyone leaves you out and you’re everyone’s last choice? Can you get out of this?
I'm 28 and I've struggled with this my whole life, these videos are a big help for me. I genuinely think that bullying at school is a big factor in why so many people loose confidence in themselves
I agree. Keep moving forward!
This is literally what happened to me, in middle school I was picked on and now I’m almost finished with high school and it’s difficult to communicate with people a lot of the times. I stay quiet a lot and I can be awkward making people around me uncomfortable or idk but I just need to snap out of it
That happened to me too, I’m only 19 but I’m just now realizing the level of anxiety I have socially and when I broke it down it did come down to all of the bullying I experienced in school
Im almost 23 and I've struggled with this for years. This is just what I needed to hear
Im in your same position, and im also 23. After listening to Dr. Aziz and reading his Articles/books. I have improved my self-esteem greately, it's not on top yet, but i have never felt so good about myself for so many years now, it feels great. But i have struggled with this issue, of being in performance mode when im meeting people in school or job. And i hate it. I want to relax and just be myself. So im starting with his advice: being curious and expressing myself. How you doing now bro?
I AM FUNNY I PROMISE how about you? :)
phillyfan182 same here 23 years with performance mode. After watching these videos, I hv significantly improved
I'm 23 and I struggle with anger and misanthropy. My situation is also about opening up, but in a different way. I'm trying to learn more about compassion and patience for others and those can only come through confidence and self-love, first.
@@kingravenink Good luck with that my bro 💓
I get this feeling in my chest whenever I get anxiety
You're not alone, that's a common symptom of many varieties of anxiety including social anxiety. With work it can be overcome.
@David Michaels you look like a used car salesman 🤣🤣🤣
Why am I so normal in front of some people but others it’s a whole different story
You're not alone, that's very common, and something you can overcome!
Its because u pick up on their energy, and feel their pain or power
Never felt a comment more
You feelin ppl negative energy
I relate so much
Close your mind to yourself and whatever you're doing and open your mind to feel, hear and understand what the other person is saying. It's about being natural and not caring too much about the outcome. Knowing who you are so that it's up to the person to decide whether they like you or not but that doesn't matter because you like you.
Excellent.
Im gonna do that thx
That was deep. Thank you.
Just the realization that my social anxiety comes from always being in performance mode is HUGE. Thank you 🙏🏻❤
no truer words were ever spoken
So True
My voice always feels strained or raspy or whatever, I feel tense and sometimes the last word of my sentences kinda comes out breathy, u can’t hear it and Idk why.
That's a common physical reaction when you're experiencing social anxiety. You're not alone or unusual. Often you can help yourself by being mindful of your symptoms. Tell yourself to breathe a little more slowly and steadily. Practice this. Expose yourself to having more of this types on conversations while you practice. There are a lot more videos here on my channel that can help you with this. Also, take full advantage of all of my free resources...
1) First, stay in the loop by going here and signing up for my newsletter:
socialconfidencecenter.com/products/5-steps-to-unleash-your-inner-confidence/
In the process you’ll receive my ebook that has helped thousands of people, “5 Steps To Unleash Your Inner Confidence.”
You’ll also receive a lot of helpful tips and information on a regular basis as well as access to resources only available to subscribers.
2) Subscribe to my podcast here: www.ShrinkForTheShyGuy.com
If offers great information for both men and women, including interviews with other leaders in the field of confidence and social anxiety.
3) Subscribe to my UA-cam channel. (Don’t forget to click on the notification bell icon!) I release at least one new video every week!
ua-cam.com/users/GetMoreConfidence
4) Follow me on Facebook! facebook.com/DrAzizGazipura/
5) Browse through my published books on specific confidence issues and how to crush them!
DrAzizBooks.com
6) Check out my next live event. While not free, these weekend intensive experiences are life changing!
socialconfidencecenter.com/events/
Same
mine goes up really high or it does the same as urs
Lol
@@xeynpai2965 what's funny?
Please dont stop making videos. Your awesome.
+Elite Aww, thanks : )
+Elite I second that motion.
+Sinister Smile I third that notion
His awesome or my awesome?
LiftOrGTFO -G
I don’t understand how this has 100 dislikes. This guy makes so much sense.
Haters gonna hate. :) Thanks for your support!
I've been struggling with this shit almost all of my life. I searched and i watched a lot of videos on this topic but your chanel and videos are different. They are exactly what i am struggiling with and they awesomely describe my situation. Thank you so much good man!
I'm so glad you found it useful!
Some people are just more comfortable and relaxed in social settings by themselves. Other people have more difficulty and often need help one way or another. I fall in the second group. I am almost 53 and most of my life I struggled with this. This video had an immediate and significant effect on my interaction with other people. It's like to be set free after a long time of captivity. Thank you so much for the awesome work dr. Aziz.
That's so awesome to hear!
* talking to someone *
me in my head: Dont think about yourself. But im thinking about me thinking about myself. What did they say? aw man
That's not uncommon. We just need to get you out of your head.
Instead of "don't think about yourself", have the approach of "listen to / think about them". Problem solved. Sometimes we like to have a problem in order not to change the status quo.
I am 28 and i have struggled so much to interact with people, it's really affect my whole life personal and professional. Your point of view of performance mode is exactly what I was doing. Hope this will change. Thanks 🙏
Any luck??
😲 i didn’t know so many other people experienced this🤭 WOW .. man you rock 👍 ‼️
You are definitely not alone!
How dumb can u be. Theres 8 Billion people in the world, everything u can imagine exists multiple times. Ur ego must be huge
I liked the breakdown of performance and connection mode, but I feel like I can use more tips on how to ease up and get to connection mode. Being curious about them and finding common grounds to express is a good way to maintain connection mode, but channeling the mind to not focus on performance mode is a different challenge that I don't think was addressed much.
I'm sure I'll do a follow up to this in the future.
I’d really recommend meditation, after sometime I forgot to care or worry about what other people thought. I began to notice the difference, after 4 months of daily meditation I’m currently meditating about 2 hours a day 6 months in of doing meditation daily, and it REALLY helps, it will transform you in all aspects
I love meditation!
hiya, do you have a specific mediation that works for you?
amy louise Any meditation is a good meditation
〽Blooming Fields〽 thank you!
@@amylouise4811 checkout osho and j krishnamurthi about meditation. Relaxing, defocused awareness.
Great video. I think the problem with confidence can be summarized in - overthinking. Stop thinking and just do it. When in a situation that makes you overthink, just remember the Nike commercial, Just do it. Sounds a bit cheap, but it does help. It always helps, things are never as bas as we imagine they would be.
I think of Shia laBeouf
Crater777 what happens when you just do it' and the people don't like you afterwards?Like meeting your new father in law?you shouldn't restrain and try to conduct yourself a certain way?or just do it?I need advice my man not a Nike commercial, just help me..Can you give any advice to me?
I agree with crater 777, you have to just do it. If you over think things you create scenarios in your mind that might not even exist. If you just do something and not overthink it, you find out the reality of the situation and deal with it either way.
J
Wow thats really helpful!! Im gonna use that mindset more now
I really loved this video. thank you so much. I'm working on self confidence in my job and in my own life.
The video just made me realize the reason why I am always nervous speaking in public, I was always seeing a presentation as a performance. Next Saturday I am giving lectures at University and with this knowledge I feel more confident to go there. Thank you.
that's terrific Maria! I also wrote a book about public speaking. You can pick up a free copy here: www.socialconfidencecenter.com/products/how-to-overcome-your-fear-of-public-speaking/
Wow, I know this video is a few years old now but you literally put into words in a very simple way how I've been feeling for so many years now and wondering what could possibly be wrong with me! Especially the 'evaluating yourself' part - I do this ALL the time with friends or social situations and notice my voice even changes as I do it and then I feel like I have someones hands around my throat and my voice comes out all hoarse or strained :( Coming from a background of trauma and abuse I think my anxiety has stemmed from suppressed PTSD, however I'm tired of living in the past or making myself small. I really want to now take control of it and be the best version of myself I can be 🙂
You're the best Doc. I have an important meeting in a few minutes and popped in here to ground into connection mode. You're impact on my live is immeasurable. I can't thank you enough for your work.
Exactly !! Please never stop your content ever
I do not meet anyone who is interested in me! I am always in connection mode because I am naturally curious about others but people never ask me about me. I met one guy who showed so much interest in me as a person and it really caught me off guard. I think I just need to be more expressive but a lot of people just show such disrespect when I am talking. They interrupt, their eyes glaze over etc.
FemBot you can't be expecting someone to interested in you too dude
FemBot maybe you need to observe yourself in conversations. how do you respond? mybe throw something interesting out there in the same context that is about you without sounding like an attentionseeker. of they totally seem not interested then maybe you don't have much incommen and you either need to let it go and find people with the same interests or get to know more about what they are interested
Avoid basic people.
+FemBot
I used to experience that crap when people interrupted me myself as well, so I decided to firmly finish my sentence even if they started talking in the middle of it, then I basically assumed that they had understood what I was saying.
They would usually be like "lolwut?" and then I calmly told them that they interrupted me and that I hadn't finished my sentence.
If I was unable to finish my sentence, then I just let them finish their sentence and then immediately said to them "can I finish my sentence, please?" with a slight tone of annoyance.
That is not an issue with yourself, it's the way the world is steering towards in this day and age. You're doing great if you're being honest and true to yourself. These days of social media driven selfies and filtered pictures, the world is looking for performance. Real people at face value are few and far between, but they are the ones who you'll connect with. I always believe that everyone has "real" deep down, they just need the confidence to let their true self outshine the fake wall that they've put up 🙂
Thank you Dr Aziz for sharing some advice on how to relax our emotions.
Love the video, you really open a new door for me!
I can really relate!. from performance, to connection from now on!
It is like God is helping me overcome my difficulties through you. AWESOME
Wow, thank you so much!
Zuchamp Kikon god bless
@@blazanick lol pun intended
That's exactly how it works. Congratulations with your internal marriage with god.
Thank you for this way of explaining. I never looked at this that way.
Thanks Dr. Aziz! 9 minutes worth more than gold.
You have the skill of making your audience relate to you and trust what you are saying. That makes me apply what you are teaching and really benefit from it. Thanks!
Biggest problem I've had since getting into self help at 18 (I'm now 23) is that theres techniques and methods to make people laugh, build rapport etc. AKA theres right things to do and wrong things, so I'm constantly thinking of conversations as "interactions where I should be saying the 'correct' things" - like some sort of robot.
Just wish I could feel secure in myself in a room and interact organically and authentically, instead of thinking of the "right" things to say. Sometimes, I just want to "say" and nothing more
What I hear you saying is you want to be more authentic. Have a look at this video: ua-cam.com/video/qqt3a97CC3U/v-deo.html
this guy is amazing great advice I have seen many videos but this is one of the best probably
+Younglian Thanks man! Glad you benefited from it.
trumph
Yeah I totally agree. I keep coming back to this one. In fact, I'm taking notes in my phone this time haha
Yeah dude his the bestttt
Wondering if he's still active here~
Thanks doc. Great stuff.
Gosh dang. I've only watched three videos of yours, and they are so informative and eye opening. Thanks for speaking in a very easy to understand way, and explaining it in a way so we can understand and apply it to real life. You have gained another subscriber :D
Thanks, sir for your valuable information
Thank you Doc!
One of important topics..Thanks And Appreciate your ideas
Brilliant 🎉 thanks
I am so glad I found you. I can’t believe this is what I was struggling with my whole life! And what is even crazier is how simple the solution is. Thank you Dr. Aziz.
You're more than welcome my friend! Be sure to take full advantage of all my free online resources…
1) First, stay in the loop by going here and signing up for my newsletter:
socialconfidencecenter.com/products/5-steps-to-unleash-your-inner-confidence/
In the process, you’ll receive my ebook that has helped thousands of people, “5 Steps To Unleash Your Inner Confidence.”
You’ll also receive a lot of helpful tips and information on a regular basis as well as access to resources only available to subscribers.
2) Subscribe to my podcast here: www.ShrinkForTheShyGuy.com
If offers great information for both men and women, including interviews with other leaders in the field of confidence and social anxiety.
3) Subscribe to my UA-cam channel here. (Don’t forget to click on the notification bell icon!) I release at least one new video every week!
ua-cam.com/users/GetMoreConfidence
4) Follow me on Facebook! facebook.com/DrAzizGazipura/
5) Browse through my published books on specific confidence issues and how to crush them!
DrAzizBooks.com
6) Check out my next live event. These weekend intensive experiences are life changing!
socialconfidencecenter.com/events/
I love you. Thank you so much. Struggled with this all my life. Looking forward to take control and change.
Excellent point about Dale Carnegie's work. I followed his teachings to the letter and found myself so focused on the other people I would talk to, I forgot to really be myself and actually enjoy a balanced, mutually-fulfilling conversation.
Well said!
Man this is on point, 100% agree. Thank you sir.
This guy knows what he is talking about. I can not thank you enough Aziz for changing my life!!!!
helpful! thank you!
dr aziz ,you dont have any idea , how much you have helped me
You’re videos are actually changing my life and giving me hope. Thank you for your knowledge and sharing it with the world. Your helping so many people!
Wow, thank you!
Love love love your videos please keep making them!
Thanks for making this video
Excellent video! Thank you.
maaaaannnnnnn why you is giving these keys so freely!!
Godspeed ma man
I think I know what gave me my socail enxiety, so I’m trying to cure it Thanks you so much -your videos are helping!
So glad to hear that! What do think the cause is?
Cause: when I was younger my family moved to a country I didn’t feel comfortable speaking the language in. I found everyone intimidating in school so I pretended I was mute 🤐 So I had school around 7-8 hours no socializing... so it makes sense since my whole elementary days went wrong in that area...which explains why it’s rlly hard for me to maintain eye contact but I’m working on it, now I’m in high school and I keep pushing myself to make conversations! Your videos help! Thank you so much 💖🔥
This is good stuff. Its helped me address something Ive struggled with my entire life. My go-to video to remind me to stay in connection mode! Thanks doc!
I want to say thank you for making this video 6 years ago. I have a job interview soon, and I really needed to hear all of this.
Love that, thank you
graciasss, thank you
This was exactly what I needed to hear, thank you this really helped a lot with my journey to finally overcoming my social anxiety, I’ll be sure to check out more of your videos
Thank you
Thanks man. This is a great reminder for me in my personal and business life
Thank you Sir. God Bless
Thank you too!
i’m so shy in front of some people and thing everyone’s judging me but other i don’t care and i’ll be myself, ahhh
You can overcome that Emily!
This by far is the best video on self confidence. I thank you for this! Many blessings to you!
Thank you, you're welcome!
Man, these videos are gold.
This is excellent. Thank you
You are awesome Dr. Keep sharing knowledge and confidence. Thank you.
Thank you, I will!
Thanks for your existance!!
Finally someone who understands confidence at a fundamental level. Thanks for this!
Thank you, and you're welcome!
Easier said than done 😕
I've always known I'm in performance mode, I don't know how to stop it. I tend to speak fast and than all my verbs come out all messed up 🥺🥺
Like many valuable things, it's easier said than done, but still worth doing. It's often a case of practice makes perfect, doing it enough until you don't care what others think so much.
@@GetMoreConfidence I'll keep that in mind. Thank you 😊
Thank you so much, everytime I'm struggling with something in life, your video comes up automatically!! I like the connection 😜
Very Helpful .Thank you.
Hey man, I don't know if you'll see this but this but I love your channel. This video in particular is probably the best I've ever seen on this topic. There have definitely been times when I've been really worried about performing "correctly" in social settings, but really its just about sharing our thoughts and experiences with people and connecting. Just wanted to let you know this video helped me out a lot.
So glad to hear it, keep up the good work my friend!
This is awesome (as are most of your videos). Thank you so much!
You're very welcome!
"It's important to not give a shit" -George Carlin
Kevin Siu RIP George Carlin :(
this is wrong on many levels! the younger generation seem to think that "not giving a shit" is the best way to be.
well its not. What if a man had a gunn aimed at your chest and he said "Man all i want is some love and a hug and love and someone to tell me its gonna be okay"
You can either choose to defend yourself OR you can really care and say hey man look life has its ways of getting to us but if you put the gun down and give me a hug maybe ill re think about calling the police and we can go grab drink at the pub or a meal..
If you care and listen to people and understand.. thats all that matters
Caring is caring
If nobody gave a shit we would be in a world full of people doing drugs not giving a fk..
OH WAIT we already are like that! every kid these days seems to do drugs is messed up ..case closed.
START CARING
@@omerkeremtastepe2271 thank you
@@binxo982 yeah not giving a sh*t at all is not the way to go. It should be "give a sh*t about things that matter."
Hi Mr Aziz ! i am a huge fan of you *.* u absolutely have no idea how much i appreciate you and your videos as well .
Aww, thanks Noor! I'm glad to hear it, and to hear that you're benefiting. Keep it up and keep crushing it!
Thanks, this clip is so appropriate for certain people!
I forgot about this. I forgot about not overthinking every little thing and to just get out there and experience socializing, not to plan it out in my head. The video and comments really make me more sure of myself!!
Thank you dr aziz I need this so much
Awesome!
1st time going online trying to find some sort of help with my speech and how to talk to people and your video was the 1st one I clicked on and that is exactly how I feel. You open up my thoughts a Lil bit more, gave me hope to be able to communicate better with people in person. Thank you.
You're welcome Carlos! Enjoy many of my other videos here on this channel too. :)
Thanks this is a well thought of opinion from a different perspective. I regard myself this way but it's a product of watching too many self help videos that has put me in this constant "performance" mode. I'm in a constant state of self evaluation due to the fact that I'm constantly listening to people telling me how I'm doing things incorrectly and what I need to do differently. This video for me was a little bit of an eye opener. Thank you
awesome video,,, when we are self concious often it make other person nervous in conversation,, when we are relex people feel friendly;; good video Dr Aziz
Mihir...
I think this makes people with social anxiety more nervous, because now they're not only worried about other people judging them. But how they're making others nervous.
Thanks for making this video ❤️
You're very welcome!
I cannot even begin to express how heckin grateful that I've come across your videos. You are like a god haha
Glad I could help!
reall awsome dr aziz ive been in performance mode for a long time jeez
Glad you found this helpful
I just got into sales.. How funny is it that the times I sold I had built that connection. Today I had a rough day and I keep questioning myself what am I doing wrong? Watching this video, I now realize that I was in performance mode all day! This video has made me learn so much, and I cannot thank you enough for this content! Connection mode baby! It's about having a caring attitude(curious), finding a solution, and utilizing self-expression in a conversation. Thanks so much! Subscribed!
That's so great to hear! Are you still going strong?
thanks bro for your effort
This sharing is amazing! I love it
Glad to have you here Francis!
good stuff man. totally real
This was incredible. I have never heard it explained like this. So helpful.
You're very welcome!
Everything here makes sense, this is great!
Thank you so much for this knowledge! I've had severe anxiety for so long. I can't wait to put this into practice 😊
Let me know how it goes!
@@GetMoreConfidence It went amazing! Thank you so much, it worked 😆💕
You're the light in my life
Great video! This is exactly what happens to me. Most of the times I’m on performance mode.
Glad you got value out of watching!
Yeeees 🙌🏼 !!! You’re awesome !
Thanks, and so are YOU! :)
you r awesome dr aziz
Just great! This video taught us to be the one that we are.
thank you
#respect
Found this very helpful. I just realized my anxiety speaking in professional meetings or sessions stems from the fact that I unconsciously talk myself into performance mode. Great content I must say.
I struggle with this so much. And its been like a lot recently and you put it so simply. Thank you so much
You're so welcome!