Chapter 31 My AuDHD Story Part 2: My Teens
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- Опубліковано 26 вер 2024
- Chapter 31 recapping my unexpected Autism and ADHD year: this week I'm looking back at my teens and the two opposing stories of those years, both of which were equally true - the happy smiling privileged version, and the increasingly unhappy struggle that having undiagnosed AuDHD was starting to have on me.
As I tried to negotiate the world socially and academically, I had two what I now recognise to be major autism burnouts, but at the time just affirmed the narrative I had started to firmly believe about myself that I was somehow incapable or lazy or wrong in some way, and had to present an increasingly contorted view of myself to convince the world around me I was 'coping' when I clearly wasn't.
This was a particularly hard video for me to record and publish. Please do like and share and subscribe to my channel if you resonate or find any of this useful, or message me to get in touch and connect.
Contact email: amineurodivergent@gmail.com
Some useful links:
“Twice Exceptional Is a Cruel Double-Edged Sword”: www.additudema...
AQ Autism Self-Test:
I'm going to keep posting the link to the AQ Self Test for autism every Sunday in case this is the first video in the series people come across. Take the self test (remember it's JUST a self-test) and see how you score. You may have been on the autism spectrum all along and just had no idea, like I was:
psychology-too...
Cat-Q Test (Camouflaging Autistic Traits Questionnaire):
embrace-autism...
ADHD Self-Test:
(with all the same caveats as above) an ADHD self-test. ADHD is even MORE common than autism (and many of us will have both); the vast majority of ADHDers just struggle through from childhood through adulthood having no idea that they even HAVE ADHD, let alone working out strategies to cope and deal with it all better to be happier and less frustrated with ourselves and others.
psychology-too...
Oh my god, I totally did the big words, ramblingly interesting essays and got great marks. Or I'd get a rubbish mark because it was totally off topic but still hilariously brilliant BS. These videos are sooo helpful. I remember getting kicked out of maths or german when I was about 13 and I was so happy because I could get on with reading Dostoevsky in the hallway. I loved and hated school, I hated the stupid subjects we had to do. I just wanted to make forgeries of classical art and dance. Marks were always a mix of A's, C's and F's, but I knew I was a special kind of genius no one understood. My parents never looked at my reports and literally didn't give a crap because my "intelligent" brothers were so much more important than the weird kid who created beautiful drawings and obsessivly listened to 1920s nostalgia music at 12. These videos are truly so helpful. I have forgotten so much of my childhood but you are helping me remember all my crazy hobbies and passions.I n primary school I would polish brass to high shine, untangle necklaces for fun, and make myself hallucinate watching light patterns and obsessively draw 1940s film actresses (but never finish the drawings). You're funny AF too which helps with the watching. We would have totally hung out.
Thanks for sharing all that - yeah, that all sounds quite neuro-divergent-y. Obsessively listening to 1920s nostalgia music at 12 is amazing!
@@amineurodivergent lol. I have got into sooo many weird and wonderful things. Some not so "healthy" (my 20s were utter chaos) others super fun and bizarre. Another thought I had a while ago, we are so internal and private with our billions of interests that no one can really know us. I mean, that apllies to everyone to some degree, but I constantly astonish people when I reveal just a few of the things I have done or learned. To the point I hide it because people are like "you have done so much in your life" with a deragatory tone of disbelief, and I think, that is just the tip of the iceberg, and even then they are inclined to disbelief. So I pretend to just be a bit of a vague dumb redhead most of the time. My family have literally no idea at all. I was just dismissed as the weirdo. Their loss. 🤷♀️
So much of this resonates with me as well. Like when you said you question how you responded to teasing. How is a kid supposed to respond to cruelty and ostracism from peers? It seems like a very primal wound if we are social animals and inclusion among the group is important. It always struck me as unspeakably hurtful for a group of people to gang up on someone and it still does. To me, that is a genuine transgression, and a violation of the social contract, though adults and authority fugues typically ignore such behavior or rationalize it as “just the way things are.”
Ooof! Feeling all of the things because of how much this resonates. You said this was a hard one to do. Just letting you know that I am so grateful you persevered. Please know it was worth it. We might not have the same story, but you relate the conflict and struggle so very very well.
Thank you.
Thanks Anne, I really appreciate that. Yeah, this one kind of knocked the wind out of me a bit, and by the time I finished and posted it, I felt like it was way too niche and specific to me and my circumstances to be of any intrinsic value to anyone else. Thanks for posting and commenting, and glad to hear my personal story stuff is landing and (hopefully) adding something of worth to a broader AuDHD/2e/general ND understanding. I'm going to have to try to summarise at the end of the 52, my content's got way too sprawling!
@@amineurodivergent it is really helpful to hear your story of what you discovered. Been watching all of them.
I still have the copy of Zen you gave me when I was 19. You inscribed the title page: “May you sit at the front of the train of your own awareness, watching to see what’s up the track and meeting it when it comes.”
Oh! Hello. .. did not expect to see you here! 🤣Good grief. 🙄. Not sure if that was a message to you, or me, or both of us, but the right noises without full engagement between brain and soul sounds about right. 🤣. Hope that you and yours are well and in full alignment.
Ummm... yep. Senior year I went from the US to Western Australia, hoping to reinvent myself. Also asked to come home three months in. (They didn't let me). Lots of teasing by fellow exchange students. Came home to the university experience, which for me was sleeping 17+ hours a day. I got myself to class, cranked out homework, went back to sleep. Looking back, I now know it was an autistic burnout. I'm 58, was a "gifted" student, and nobody could have guessed the ADHD/Autism brain structure I carried within. There is a grace, though, in looking back, if only to see a trajectory that now makes sense.
All very, VERY relatable. Thank you for talking about finding a retrospective grace in seeing the trajectory, a useful message for me and I imagine a lot of us that probably needs repeating and embedding more than we think.
Fascinating when you describe feeling as if you weren’t legitimate in your academic success because of your struggle to be equally fluent with it verbally as in writing.
yeah, I struggled with that for a long time, that I'd somehow 'cheated' in producing good written work because I couldn't articulate or summarise it well 'off the cuff'. I WISH so badly I'd known this was just a common ND thing back then rather than beating myself up over my abilities and intelligence for so many years.
@@amineurodivergentdo you find your inner voice is way more eloquent and fancy sounding than your speech? I sound ridiculous when I speak (unless I am in flow state), but I can write beautifully.
When i feel like it.
@@autumnpendergast9151 Yes, 100%, I always say I'm better in writing than in person, I think it's why I script so much. As you say, when in flow state, quite articulate and eloquent but when I'm not in flow and just get caught up in conversation the words and expression just aren't there the way they can be when I write. This seems to be quite a common ND thing, which I had no idea of for years.
@@amineurodivergent brought it up with my best friend last night (she is ADHA with Savant Austistic son) and she has exact same too. She is often bullied by her Autistic partner for not being eloquent in arguments or discussions, yet she is one of the smartest people I know. Speaks 4 languages fluently etc incredible with ideas, but struggles with verbal English under pressure.
I love how you are looking back on your formative years this way-you are IN the recapitulation box. Carlos Castaneda would be proud, friend. XXX
Into the video only 5 minutes but giving it a thumbs up already just for mentioning Star Trek. Star Trek should be in the DSM-VI criteria. 🖖
Absolutely! Star Trek and/or comics? You're in!
Wow, you can to South Carolina! Thats where I am.
Nice -While I breathe I hope!
It's wild to me how much your story resonates with me, despite countless differences in details, settings, and so on. It's incredibly validating to hear someone else voice these ideas and struggles. I feel like you have a real talent for verbalizing difficult concepts in an honest, authentic, and articulate way, even if that verbalization doesn't come easily to you. Please be kind to yourself when making these videos.
Thanks, I really appreciate that, it's really heartening to hear that shining a light on some of this stuff doesn't just illuminate random quirks of mine but resonates more widely too. Hearing that is validating for me too, it makes me feel I've not been alone all this time, even if it sometimes felt like it, that there's a metric ton of other people been going through very similar stuff all this time.
Hi mate a quick thanks from an Aussie on a similar journey. 40s, audhd, lifelong outsider/provisionally accepted insider when 1000% masking. About to walk to work (with industrial hearing protection as is my new preference and IDGAF) and listen to this ep. Steeling myself for some unpleasantly (but also reassuringly) familiar flashbacks as I’m sure there’ll be at least a couple of relatable experiences.
Appreciate the work you’ve put into articulating the late diagnosis experience.
Thanks - hope any flashbacks weren't too unpleasant! This was a hard one for me to do, but in retrospect some of it's a bit niche! Gonna be more strict on timings for the next few!
@@amineurodivergentnot too unpleasant but recalled plenty of grim and regrettable situations I floated into with zero agency (or with bizarre invented reasons) But also a lol in there because for a solid few years I was also definitely a long coat muppet. No regrets there, massive pockets for booze to impress people👍. Worked once.
@@MOS6582 legit lol - cheers! 🍺
hi Struan,
Just a little reminder to the youtube algoritm to send me a notification if you have a new video.
Of all the places in the world-- Spartanburg, South Carolina. I spent a lot of time there throughout my life (grandparents lived there).
Small world, outstanding! I spent my time there 95-96, and there again briefly passing through in 99.
Hi Struan, now watched the full video. Don't be so hard on yourself. Please. And please take good care of you.
To me it is really helpfull hearing you go through your life experience as a lot is resonating. And I enjoyed your sidesteps.
Here still waiting on assessment. But hearing your story helps alleviate some imposter syndrome doubts.
My teens were messy. But also the first time I made actual friends that I'm still in contact with even now. Mixed bag.
My twenties were a bit of a trainwreck. Supposed to be an adult but felt like I'd really sucked at that.
Thank you for your kind words. I'm broadly ok now, but it was a bit of a journey getting here. Everyone's journey ebbs and flows, and I'm sorry to hear your twenties felt like a trainwreck. I described the inward facing imposter syndrome in my chapter 7 video as being brief - but this many more months down the line, it really isn't, it's still there; I STILL have doubts all this time later post-diagnosis that everything that went sideways in my life was just 'me' and 'my fault', not anything to do with ND at all. But ND+environment really does = outcome. The ND's a constant, but outcomes can and do change with a better environment.
@@amineurodivergent going to uni, trying to stand on my own feet. Failing misserably without the support I didn't realise was there all my life. Feeling like I didn't belong and was unloveable. Having a major depression and a regression. Then starting over, closer to home. Painstakingly building a new me. It ended well my twenties. I met my partner through an internet dating site. Good choice as we are still together now nearly 14 years later.
But that period had ups and downs as well. Ups in two lovely daughters. Downs in 2 major burn outs with depressions and a GAD diagnosis. A lot of self doubt. Then the realisation that I might be autistic. After that, discovering that my husband and both my girls probably are too. Now waiting on my assessment and that of the girls (husband agrees he's probably autistic too but doesn't want an assessment for now). A lot of stuff in our house was unintentional ASD friendly before April this year. Now I try to actively create an ND friendly home and make better choices for my family.
From the outside looking in I have a great life. Lovely family and friends, good house, good job.
But it can be quite overwhelming at times.
@@toaojjc this all sounds very relatable and thank you for sharing some of your story. It sounds you're in broadly a great place right now in your situation, but like you say there will always be downs as well as ups. Creating the right environment to minimise the overwhelm.
I read a really interesting thing on the Trauma Geek facebook page yesterday, which is similar but expressed slightly differently to what I've absorbed before, it puts things very starkly and in a way that makes sense:
"Autistic and ADHD nervous systems are hyper-connected. We have denser neural connections (or more synapses) in our entire body and more electrical activity in our brains (compared to what is societally normative).
Keywords to Google for this research are: “synaptic pruning in autism”
Also see, “Intense World Theory”
Explanation:
Human babies are born with super dense neural connections in their whole body/nervous system. Thousands more than adults have. As we age, a process called synaptic pruning shuts down a lot of those connections.
People whose synaptic pruning process follows a particular culturally accepted pattern are neurotypical. Anyone who has more or less pruning than the normative pruning rate is ND.
Autistic & ADHD brains in particular have less synaptic pruning, so we retain more of our original synapses from infancy on. The med paradigm says this is pathology (less pruning = bad) which is of course totally arbitrary.
For Autistic, ADHD, AuDHD folks, synaptic pruning differences are the biological reason for our bottom-up processing, sensory sensitivity, increased risk of trauma, and non-normative ways of thinking and feeling and being."
@@amineurodivergent thank you. Will look into that! Have had a bad few days. Tuesday there was an intruder at a school in my town. Because he said to have a weapon and bombs and then escaped, all the schools in town went into lockdown. I've been worried sick. My girls were in their schools and police didn't want parents to take their kids out of school before they had found the intruder. They have and everyone is safe now. But my mind has been stuck on this all of Tuesday and Wednesday.
@@toaojjc Oh no, that sounds like a horrible situation to have gone through! Sending good thoughts to you and your family, hope you can get through this and process and feel safe.
Wow, this resonates too much with me. Probably the only difference is that I was (and am) really into math 😉 I've always been the bright kid in math, but mediocre/bad/lazy at everything else. Even in math, I've been tagged as lazy. I participated in Math Olympics and for me it was more important going as far as possible on my own that going to training math camps to train with professional to win the competition.
I think I was "mediocre/bad/lazy" in everything else because I have difficulty in reading (always did and have been really ashamed of this all my life), but I managed to mask and momentary overcome this deficiency in high school and college. For other people it was hard to understand that I could solve equations only by looking at them, but then read the same page several times to properly understand the content.
Edit: "Be one of the best students without actually being the best" YES! This encapsulates my academic experience. Like, I never had max grades in college, but I always provided the most creative, unexpected and different solution to problems. Never cared too much for grades. I survived college with the support of two girls that were my friends (and were the first ones to ever suggest me that I was autistic - Asperger's back in the day) who actually take notes during class (I can't take notes and hear at the same time), and also basically managed my time for me.
Thank you so much for sharing.
Interesting - thanks for sharing your experiences. Have you ever done a dyslexia test re reading difficulties - another ND sprinkle I score high on in self tests but haven't done a formal assessment, I'm kind of tapped out at this point. That inconsistency between being great at some things and substantially below average at others really struggles to land for some people, that 'spiky' ND profile, but it's really common.
@@amineurodivergent no, I haven't. Thanks for the suggestion, will look for an online test at least. I remember that in my interview with the psychologist, she asked me if I had a family member with dyslexia, but never associated that question with me 😅 after getting my diagnosis, I let myself accept the fact that I have limitations and difficulties. Before that, I even masked to myself.
I’m really appreciating your story and not thinking it self indulgent at all, it’s interesting and helpful, cheers.
Thank you for your kind words and the support you've given me during this.
31:14 I somehow internalised "smile more" so much that I smile to a fault, even if it's socially inapropriate.
Sometimes my smile ‘gets stuck to my face’ and I don’t realise I’ve been smiling way past the relevant moment.
@@tracik1277 I go in smile mode as soon as people start talking to me. To the point were my face hurts if I have a social active day. I think it's part of me masking, but I haven't found the "off switch" to it.
the "bullshitting" part struck with me a lot. I didn't 100% do the same thing, but I think I do similar things to this day. I can't for the life of me figure out what is legit and what is faking it. I am very critical of myself and of other people. So I pretty much always play devils advocate and take a lot of achievements apart until I am left with the feeling that I am saying nothing at all. Like, this very comment that I am writing. I have an idea about what to say, I start typing, then I get more ideas. and like 200 words in I will ctrl+a del everything and never send it. Because I look at what I wrote and then I think to myself, that's way too many points. What even are you trying so say. Do you get that across the best ways you can? Is your opinion even needed or did someone else write that already in one sentence? Who's reading these comments anyways. Can I even handle getting a response to this, let alone a critical response?
So I know this will all start playing out soon. So one strategy in my life has been to put on a mask. or one of many masks. Sometimes I pretend to be the person that would achieve something, then achieve it and then the credit goes to the imposter I have been playing.
I am pretty good at flirting, at job interviews and at talking to strangers. People like me. But I put work into that and that work means to me that I am faking it. People do not like me because I act like myself, people like me because I act like someone they would like would act. A lot of my achievements are things I did because others liked people that did those things.
If you would ask me if I am good at identifying what people expect from me I would say no, not at all. But at the same time I can just wing it and pull something off that amazes them.
Most people think I am smart. And sure I talk about a lot of smart things because they interest me. But at the same time I am not a professor. I know way smarter people than I am. (now the deleting impulse sets in) I can talk about philosophy for quite a while, while actually not having any degree in that. Just a deeper understanding than the average person. I can fool the average person but not the actual intellectual.
In school I always did a lot of guessing what was expected of me and I got away with that for quite a while. I finished high school with that strategy but not a lot has come out of that. A lot of people complimented me on finishing high school, and I barely achieved that, but at the same time it felt like nothing at all. I applied so many strategies to do that that I couldn't identify with the result any more.
So I am doing the smart thing and not doing it at the same time. And very often I believe my act and that leads to disappointing people if I just can't deliver on the thing they actually wanted from me. But I am good to give people a good show. Which is very hollow when you look at that. Because you can put in a lot of work and entertain people when it is expected of you, while having zero satisfaction from that. And a lot of time it's not about the show at all.
Like I can give my therapist an interesting topic to talk about this week and care nothing about that. But you can work on fake problems much better than on actual problems. I do a jobinterview and get the job but be unable to do the job.
Of course this strategy is highly selfsabotaging and pointless at times. But it's there for a reason. A lot of times I think people don't want what I can offer, don't understand my thought process, like problems they can solve instead of a problem that is new to them, want very specific things that are symbols for something else. If you can look like someone who is doing all the things for a long time you are the person who is doing all the things. But if someone makes the effort to look a little closer they might find you out and see that you are actually only doing half those things if at all and you just meet their criteria of whatever they were looking for. But then it's your fault and not theirs. Sometimes I feel people give me a hundred reasons not to be myself, then I am not myself but they think I am, and when they find out then it is my fault that I cheated them. But they wanted to be cheated and my life was miserable when I was trying to stand up for myself and a little less miserable when I cheated them.
So I am just gonna wall that here. Not deleting it this time.
Thanks for sharing all that, a lot of it's very, very relatable and don't worry about posting slabs of text at all. I REALLY struggle to be concise, that came up for me more in adulthood and work situations with a lot of feedback around: your emails are too long, what are your key points, you don't need to stream-of-consciousness-over-explain everything - but that's the way my thoughts come out: wall of text basically, like yours above. It's how I like to communicate and it's nice not to have to edit myself sometimes (although with my more recent videos all nudging towards being an hour long, I do need to start getting a bit more concise myself).
The credit for your own achievements going to the imposter you've played is SUCH a good way of reading why enough never seems enough, why it's always not good enough. Like Hannah Belcher in my masking video, you sound like you're REALLY good at masking but that comes at a massively high cost. I GOT really good at masking, I think, particularly as I got older but that also started coming at a really high cost.
'Fooling' the average person but not the actual intellectual rings ridiculously true - I can bluff and bluster my way through a lot of surface understanding but because my ADHD pulls me onto the next area of interest before my ASD can drill down into ridiculous levels of detail and expertise, I'm often exposed as 'lightweight' when pulled into heavier, more intellectual conversations - this aspect of imposter syndrome is something I was going to get into more myself in my 20s video when I got a wake-up call that I wasn't half as smart as I thought I was in my teens.
'Giving a good show' to therapists - been there, done that, I'll sidestep getting into actual things I know I need to get under the skin of in favour of holding forth on a discussion I know THEY'LL respond do and lead to me saying I can see where I need to go next, and them praising me for self-reflection. It's a nonsense, but I do the dance because it makes them feel good about themselves and give me praise. But ay caramba, yes, it's self-sabotaging, and I don't really know why I do things like this that are such a waste of everyone's time either.
Your last paragraph is exquisite, thank you for putting into words something that is true for me, and I suspect many of us. The 'meeting the criteria of whatever they were looking for' aspect feels hugely significant and something I'm going to take with me as I try to rebuilt the self-esteem that got buried along the way doing many of the things and feeling many of the things you've described. Thank you. I've made the (slightly trite) point before that being neurodivergent can feel like being a quantum particle that's in multiple places at one and only settles when observed. It's like that game of close your eyes and name everything in the room of a particular colour - struggle to do it. But open your eyes again and look for that colour, close your eyes again, you can name a ton. I feel a lot of us have a surface-level ability to be all the colours that others might expect to observe and somewhere along the way forget that being multicoloured, kaleidoscopic, psychedelic is not only acceptable and what we should be, but is genuinely a better thing to reflect back into the world than whichever monocolour we've chosen to reflect back at the world at any given time out of a sense of duty or expectation.
I don't know if any of that made sense and I can't make myself go back and edit it all to ensure it does, but I just wanted to say I related to a lot of what you said and to say thank you for engaging with what I'm putting out and posting here. You've made me think.
@thecookiejoe just want you to know that I read and resonated with your comment.
Somehow I manage being a little more to the point in writing (maybe my dyslexia). In talking I ramble on and on and on if unchecked.
@@amineurodivergent I came across a short from Purple Ella that describes the mechanism pretty well. ua-cam.com/users/shortsYW4K3wOnFCI
Great comment, extremely relatable. Thank you for not deleting it, it is both thought provoking and validating.
20:47 I was schoolsick in primary school a lot. But I was shunned and teased a lot there. Very helpful to hear you say that doing that now gives you imposter syndrome as that is one of the things that makes me doupth my selfdiwgnosis.
I had a LOT of school absences where there wasn't really anything 'wrong' with me, I was just ... nope.
@@amineurodivergent I could work myself up to such a stressed state that I would actually vomit and get a fever. Strong negative body-mind connection. My symptoms would mostly vanish around 11am as I would feel sure that I wouldn't go to school that day anymore
Another fantastic video ❤ Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for watching
Whats you favorite movie quote? One that always seems to randomly pop up whether its appropriate or not.
I love how random a question this is! I'm cheating cause it's a TV scene rather than a movie but it's "You get Hoynes" from West Wing Two Cathedrals. It only makes sense in the context of a wider story arc but it comes at the end of what, in my view, is one of the most exceptional scenes ever committed to screen. The amount of times and situations "You get Hoynes" has manifested into my head out of nowhere is manifold.
ua-cam.com/video/fYcMk3AJKLk/v-deo.html
I think my love of the Wheel of Time starting in middle school (~12) gave my ADHD Goblin and Autism Dwarf an out. The magic users in that book take a binding oath "to say no word that is not true" So technically I wasn't lying. Its just that my answer wasnt honestly answering the question.
Do you know what, I have never read the Wheel of Time books. I'm now rabbit holing down Wikipedia and getting the first one on kindle.
@@amineurodivergent It's only 4200000 words (give or take) shouldn't be too long of a read. :) The audio books are also very good, same narrators the whole time and since it's been going on so long they get better the farther you get as their experience grows. Of course it's not for everyone.
Can you explain for the American viewers what is meant by "revision" in schoolwork? We might have the same thing here, but call it something else. Your videos about primary and secondary school have made me recognize my autistic characteristics from an early age. It only took 70 years for me to find out I'm autistic!
Oh sorry - 'revise' just means study, like prep for school exams.
hey :) thank you for explaining the struggles throughout your teen years, it is very interesting to see how you masked for so long. And you now being able to realise it was your Autism and ADHD . I do not like how your school treated you, i think the education system needs a complete overhaul and to be re done. I look forward to your video next week.
Thanks Gemma - 100% agree about education system overhaul. Sorry I haven't been as chatty recently, been focusing on getting my wheels pointing in the right direction again. Hope you're well!
i am doing good working on ccontent @@amineurodivergent
I'm betting on "wrote the next Great American Novel". :-)
I'm glad my university did not have a policy of allowing students to turn papers in late for a reduced grade, as I would surely have reacted to it as you did. Instead, I was forced to write the things the night before they were due. I felt accomplished, once, for starting work on two papers around 6 p.m. and getting both done in time in time for classes the next day.
I'm betting you're not a wildly wealthy whiptail lizard with those gambling instincts...?
That is such a better policy - there's zero adrenaline bump to pull things out of the fire the night before if there's a reduced grade off ramp...
@@amineurodivergent LOL. No. Apparently, managing money effectively requires some kind of time-related executive function, or something.
@@aspidoscelis 🤣
Everything okay Struan?
All good, thank you for asking. I'm just not remotely able to keep to the one video a week anymore, these 'recapping me' videos have been way harder than I thought they'd be and I'm now just massively task-avoiding dredging through my 20s...
@@amineurodivergent I completely understand. Take care and take all the time you need. And if you feel like you cannot make that video now... you can always pause that for now. Take care!
These videos really need to hit the algorithm. So authentic and informative! Great video, thanks for sharing.
Thanks for watching - to be fair, I don't do anywhere near all the things you're supposed to do around search engine optimisation and multiple media channel promotion and all of that stuff to boost my views. Just concentrating on getting the content I want to get out there for now and may look into trying to push it out to a wider audience once I've got there and feel happy with all of the content, but I definitely appreciate your comments in the meantime thank you!
Woooooh, fascinating!! 👌🙏