Chapter 29 Autistic Masking - why so many of us were missed
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- Опубліковано 6 жов 2023
- Chapter 29 recapping my unexpected Autism and ADHD year: this week I'm looking at one of the most fundamental aspects that late-diagnosed autistic people have to grapple with: masking, also known as camouflaging or adaptive morphing. Masking is trying to pass as neuro-typical, either consciously or unconsciously suppressing or hiding or autistic traits in order to go unnoticed as different.
I use Dr Hannah Louise Belcher's fantastic book 'Taking Off The Mask' as the lynchpin of exploring what masking is, what it can look like, and how - or even if - we should unmask.
Please do like and share this video and subscribe to my channel if you find any of it useful, or message me to get in touch and connect.
Contact email: amineurodivergent@gmail.com
Some useful links:
Cat-Q Test (Camouflaging Autistic Traits Questionnaire):
embrace-autism.com/cat-q
Feelings Wheel:
caass.online/fw
Hannah Belcher website:
hannahbelcher.com
Taking Off The Mask by Hannah Belcher on Amazon:
www.amazon.co.uk/Taking-Off-M...
AQ Autism Self-Test:
I'm going to keep posting the link to the AQ Self Test for autism every Sunday in case this is the first video in the series people come across. Take the self test (remember it's JUST a self-test) and see how you score. You may have been on the autism spectrum all along and just had no idea, like I was:
psychology-tools.com/test/aut...
ADHD Self-Test:
(with all the same caveats as above) an ADHD self-test. ADHD is even MORE common than autism (and many of us will have both); the vast majority of ADHDers just struggle through from childhood through adulthood having no idea that they even HAVE ADHD, let alone working out strategies to cope and deal with it all better to be happier and less frustrated with ourselves and others.
psychology-tools.com/test/adu...
There is no shortage of helpful people on youtube when it comes to these topics.
But i feel compelled to express that you are seemingly the most honest, sincere, informative and all round helpful person i have found. I can't thank you enough for this content, and i hope that you are able to feel proud of what you have put out into the world. 💚
Thank you for taking the time to say that - that's a really nice message for me to hear at the moment.
Your videos are a great resource and I can tell you put a great deal of work into them. Making one a week for 52 straight weeks would be difficult for anyone. Please take the rest you need to make the process feel sustainable. It’s empowering for us to see other neurodivergents unapologetically take care of themselves.
I really appreciate the thought and research you are giving us. I got diagnosed this summer…at 77. I am very skilled at masking , sometimes am surprised when I realize that I am. As I get older, the masking is much more tiring.
Just took cat-Q. 148
@@jsfoster100 I'm curious if you don't mind to share, what prompted you to get assessed at 77? I'm going through the process now at 51 :) I scored 156 on the Cat-Q.
@@dutchgirldreams4726 I started to fall apart, my masking became too much for me, I wasn’t happy , I wanted to know what was going on.
I was diagnosed at 55+ (now 60+) - female and also very good at masking, but also finding it far more tiring now. I happened to watch a programme about ASD ... light-bulb moment. After 6 months of procrastinating (whats the point of a diagnosis at my age) I paid privately to see a specialist clinical psychologist who was listed on the national autistic society website. Quite a stressful process and its taken me about 5 years to come to terms with it, but it was the best thing I've ever done.
Please go easy on yourself and take the rest you need. You give us so much. We'll be here cheering you on. Your videos are so inspiring and real, and for the record, I appreciate the moments of frustration. They're authentic. I'm just finally allowing myself to express my frustration in little bits. It's scary as my fear of conflict is huge, so bit by bit, I'm trying to allow it out in respectful ways. Take gentle care of yourself until we meet again.
Wonderful words to this amazing young man who I am sure will have a profound affect on the autistic community in the future ❤
Do take the time you need. No need to be here every week if it takes that much. We can all wait for you to have more spoons.
It's like a friendship. It's not quantity but quality of contact that matters. So please first take care of you, then gather what you want to say for your next chapter. Already had you on all notifications.
I did notice the effort you've put in your videos. That and your pleassant voice is what makes me come back to hear your discoveries, thoughts and viewpoints.
Thank you for all the chapters you've done so far!
Thank you so much. Great video (from a late diagnosed female at 55+). I'm dealing with some work frustrations at the moment ... can't seem to get them to understand that dealing with some HR processes and Occupational Health referral can be harmful for people on the spectrum. Being told to 'just play the game' demonstrates the lack of understanding of neurodivergance. No wonder we mask and don't ask for change !
Thanks - and yep!!
Congratulations on the 1k!
Thanks!
Take your time and listen to what you need - we can understand that.
I can relate to want to fulfill something one has planed. To me it happens often and bevore I even know I get exhausted by a goal that found me. Thanks for sharing your knowledge.
Thank you for this video. It really spoke to me, enough so that I've ordered the book and can't wait to dive into it. Your videos always feel like a cozy chat and help me sort through my own Autism journey. Cheers, my dude!
Thank you, that's a really lovely comment. I like the feeling I'm speaking one on one with someone who maybe relates a bit to what I'm saying, even if it can feel like more of a one way monologue when I'm doing it. It makes the whole thing feel less overwhelming than just speaking to a room full of strangers, or to an empty hall. Thanks for helping me picture that.
Experiencing my realization currently. Started this past couple of weeks. Finally identifying my nuerodivergence and connecting many dots reaching back to my childhood and always knowing i was different but going in to my adulthood, I had always thought that this was just me and going on through life struggling and just living with the frustrations and aggrivations. This is honestly the first time I am acknowledging this to someone. I have a 2 year old son and navigating fatherhood currently. I love my son so much and just love to sit and look at him and his behaviors and as he falls asleep. But i have made the revelation a couple of days ago that I still even struggle to go out for a simple task and wont hurry home to put him down because I find myself struggling with either ADHD or Autistic Inertia. I had always thought I was constantly late to events with poor time management because I was just a selfish individual. Currently trying to sort out a way of telling or coming out to my girlfriend.
Also this is all finally happening at age 37.
Sending care - good luck with the coming journey, there will be lots of ups and downs, hopefully more ups in understanding yourself a bit better and learning to be kinder to yourself. It's been a bit of a struggle for me at times but I'm getting there. Good luck!
Collecting pens/fountain pens and attending Pen Shows. Journaling, writing, creating journal vision boards, drawing/doodles are my comfort zone/hobbies. While attending pen shows, I found a lot of these people who handmake pens or are pen retailers are also on the spectrum. So Im exposed to hundreds of people with like interests and who come out of their shells to talk about what they love about pens. Its an exciting, nerdy exchange of information. My spouse has finally stop saying “Another pen?” 😂 I feel like Im more whole when I have my journal with me to keep up with my life and express myself.
P.S. I think you are doing very well expressing yourself and feelings in your videos. Just the thought of “Oh I need to work on my video content and mentally picturing everything, step by step, can be exhausting before even turn the power button on. But the #1 thing here is you take care of yourself. We’ll still be here to follow your journey when you get back from recharging.
Thank you - I've watched some of your pen videos previously, I find them very calming, I love the soothing expertise. Same with another channel who's commented on here - Billie's Craft Room. Thanks for your kind words, journalling is also helping me a lot too.
My mum used to leave me in the stationary aisle when I was a kid at the grocery store while she did her shopping. Did one of my work experience stints at an art supply store. Heaven!
I completely agree that your videos are unbelievably cogent and informative. I too have been very impressed by how well you can articulate your thoughts. You are very wise. I tend to communicate so much better in writing, and always fear that I am going to struggle to find the words I need when communicating verbally. I have been very impressed by your ability to do this at such a high-level, apparently without even pausing and editing. Thank you for sharing that you do prepare so much in advance. It helps. I would love to be able to share my journey and thoughts someday as well. You give a lot of us so much wonderful information and perspective and are so appreciated. Yes, please go easy on yourself and take all the rest you need.
Thank you, I really appreciate that - but a very large part of getting all my thoughts out is the power of scripting (with occasional random distractions/ diversions) + demand avoidance/ laziness in learning how to edit, necessitating one take 🤣. I would be absolutely nowhere without a script or notes as a starting point, like literally just rabbit in the headlights 🐇😱
Thank you for what you have done so far. Take the time if you need it. I guess that we are all on a discovery journey… enjoy the journey! Notify all on.
Take the time you need. Your content is so good and linear and delightful. Get your rest then come on back. As a 58 year old late diagnosis woman, I sure get what you're saying and resonate so much with your channel. So no worries here! 🙂
To me, CBT feels like a different way to be self-critical. And CBT encourages focus on conscious verbalized cognition. And it's based on top-down control. Being self-critical, focused on conscious verbalized cognition, and trying to exert top-down control is how I screwed up my mental health. I explored that space pretty thoroughly, I don't want to go back and try to find a hidden passage that I'm not sure exists.
Mindfulness I like.
Mindfulness is going to be a big focus for me in 2024. I've shied away from it previously because I find it hard to sustain my attention for more than a few moments. But that's kind of the point..
@@amineurodivergent For what it's worth, I found Sam Harris's meditation app to be a good introduction. Of course, I'm not good at "regularly do a thing that takes a certain amount of time", so my stints of actual meditation practice don't really last more than a month or so. Mostly I've been slowly increasing the mindfulness quotient of the miscellaneous whatnot I do, which is more viable long-term. (Psychedelics are also helpful but, you know, generally not legal and best approached with caution.)
@@aspidoscelis Thanks, I've emailed that to myself as one of a few to try, to get me more into it. Psychedelics I'm VERY wary of, for a number of reasons, but they're there percolating at the back or my thought processes too. There's quite a lot of interesting research going on into ND and psychedelics I'm keeping tabs on. Thanks.
Thank you so much for taking the time to make all these videos and being so honest and vulnerable. I got my official autism diagnosis a few months ago and have been discovering what that means for me alongside your videos.
I really appreciate your content, it's high quality, and your sincerity and hard work are evident. I for one would be happy to wait for decent and truly helpful content over some of the superficial regurgitation about neuro-divergency on the internet.
Thank you, that's a really nice comment.
I am suspecting I have autism and am learning so much from your content. This particular video brought tears to my eyes several times. It’s obvious that you are committed to producing high level content and I can’t tell you how grateful I am for your presence. I’m glad you’re able to acknowledge your increasing stress levels and know you need a break for self care. I truly understand that need. Perhaps this is a valuable lesson for those of us who are afraid to take care of ourselves in this manner. Thank you for all you do and please take care of yourself.
Thanks so much for such a lovely message.
Congrats on 1K!
Thanks man!
Just leaving a comment here to help the algorithm remember to put your content to more people.
Hope you are getting a well needed rest!
That's really sweet of you, thank you.
I did a few things that I think helped me survive. I always ran with the artsy crowd; musicians, actors, artists, etc. And I moved to a small community that was known for being "alternative." It was a place where most people valued eccentricity. I don't live there anymore but it really helped me to just be myself. Now I'm quite happily introverted and choose my friends carefully.
I think I sort of crashed a few years ago. I just lost my ability to mask. I lost a few friends at that time and I discovered I am on the spectrum. It's taken me a while to be comfortable with the real me, but I'm happier now. 😊
Thanks, that's all really encouraging to hear. Being in an environment where people value difference rather than conformity does seem to make a world of difference, and I often wonder about how things might have been for me if I'd chosen a different, maybe more authentic, path earlier.
Sorry to hear about your crash but great that you're feeling more comfortable with you now. What you said previously about being less bothered by things as you get older has also helped me when I'm feeling a bit angry about everything.
Just want to thank you so much and truly hope that you are healthy and safe and taking care of you ❤ this 72 year old woman is so grateful for your videos after getting my diagnosis on 14th August this year! Keep safe, keep well and just thank you so much 😊 xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Congratulations!! Thanks so much for your lovely message - I'm good thank you, taking some time out has done me a world of good and I'm hoping to resume doing some videos this weekend.
Enjoy your break. I hope you can get rested. Thanks for the videos you've made so far.
Another great video, thank you.
Masking definitely isn't a line in the sand between men and women. I have had many male commenters and people I know in real life say that they relate more to female masking traits.
The intruder on the family in the living room was a pretty powerful representation as well as the all too familiar struggle of drinking to cope with social engagements.
And how insane that Hannah also talks about being sick to get out of school or hiding in the bathroom... I literally did these same things.
I have to agree with your contribution that there almost seems to be no dividing line anymore between the mask and self for many of us late diagnosed.
Thank you for linking to the cap q test as well. Very interesting to hear that you also did not score crazy high on the AQ test. Same here. I will have to check out the cap q test.
The post work pub get togethers with co-workers was the worst. And I agree with your surmization that being kinder to yourself feels self-indulgent and pointless.
But the low distress tolerance and shutting everything down, holy cow. First time I've heard of this and I'm going to need to research this one because I definitely do this. Previously I felt like it was in part, an air of intangible feelings seeming pointless to me... But I also do have low distress tolerance so I just "don't" somehow. This has led to me seeming emotionless, robotic and uncaring. Possibly yet another possible attribute to the misconception of lack of empathy (which as we've discussed IS getting dismantled).
I also like that she points out you don't have to take the mask off if you don't want to, or if it is helpful in certain situations because there are a lot of autistic guilters who talk about how you HAVE to take it off. It's the devil, it's evil, and you are a bad autistic if you aren't doing everything in your power to take it off. I've actually been wanting to do a video on this topic as well. Lots of topics and ideas.... not enough hours and spoons.
Autisms hard right 🤣
Anyway, as always so much relatable nuance with your videos. Thank you for sharing your research with the world.
Thanks Jenn! It was with a degree of trepidation I waded into what has at time been seen as a specific women's area of ASD to say "hang on, what this needs is a MAN to talk about it!", but I can only talk about my own lived experience and it was this aspect that was really ringing all the bells for me about the way I'd lived my life to this point. And same - a lot of men who have been in touch relate strongly to the masking aspect too. Hannah's been in touch with me herself to say she's glad I did the video, which was a massive relief that I wasn't just charging into rooms I shouldn't be.
Yeah, the low distress tolerance, pushing it all down, and going into emotional shutdown is definitely a thing, and one I need to address more to start to feel better and have that better be sustainable. I think post-diagnosis, I've focused so much on understanding what's been going on in my noodle intellectually that I've minimised what's been going on emotionally. It can feel, as you say, slightly pointless and self-indulgent. But that's I think been a mistake in my case - often with things like procrastination and demand avoidance, if there are emotional barriers (fear of failure, fear of success, criticism, rejection) that remain unresolved, all the intellectual 'hacks' in the world aren't going to do anything and suddenly make you more able to deal with overwhelm and be able to address those fears and hesitations. I think that's been one of the reasons in me needing a break from doing these videos - I realised just how far away from feeling on top of things I still was. I probably shouldn't be putting out content when I'm still this much of a sh**-show myself. But then again, if I wait until everything's great, I'll likely be even greyer and more grizzled and have no interest in putting out videos anyway. So maybe I come back and push through with what I've got and that's enough. Ugh, I don't know.
Your videos always nail things with really clever angles and perspectives on these things - look forward to new content (including your take on masking guilt) as and when you feel able. Yeah ... autism's hard right? (Maybe that should just be the opening line of EVERY video and go from there)🤣. Take care!
Another great video. Totally relate.
I am 63 and just figured out recently I have autism. My scores on the test were:
Total:139
Compensation subtotal:49
Masking subtotal:41
Assimilation subtotal:49
When I told my children they said no your just an introvert ISTP.
Hopefully they can embrace the results of your testing and your experiences. Personality typing is interesting but there isn't anything quantitative or informative about how to go about therapeutic treatment if necessary. At best its about as useful as astrology. Besides a diagnosis of ASD means you have unseen challenges, and being an ISTP doesn't preclude someone to having pervasive sensory or social challenges.
Or indeed being Autistic@@deon5329
Yeah - for the last 10 years, I'd chalked my challenges up to being an introvert INTP in a largely extroverted workplace. It turns out it wasn't just that though ...
I have been trying to figure out why I was different for most of my life. I have had many head injuries and high fevers early in my life and figured that may have been the cause as I did have a lot of the symptoms of those that have had severe head injuries but to a lesser degree in my life. I took OCD tests and always came out "not you". Not long ago @DrSeanOMara on UA-cam said he was an Aspey and that he looked at problems differently than others. This sent me down the research rabbit hole of Autism, which is how I found your channel.
@@Far-Beyond-Ordinary Welcome! A very familiar story for late-identified individuals, the realising something was different about you and chasing other things searching for what that 'thing' was for years, decades sometimes, before landing on it. I went through OCD, being INTP, even an obsession with ancestry and thinking maybe I'm odd and different to most people because I'm part Scandinavian if you go back far enough, before I finally landed on autism/ neurodivergence, aced all the tests, and finally got the confirmed "oooooooohhhhhhh, okay" moment I'd looked for all these years. It's a journey alright, I hope you're doing okay.
Thank you for making these videos, I have found them really helpful.
Take as much time as you need, please don't burn your self out.
Glad to hear you are taking a well earned break. Plenty of excellent content in the great videos you have made so far to keep us going until you are ready.
My superpower is turning my passion into my greatest stress 😂🤦🏻♀️
Yeah, I've definitely started to do this - turning my passion into my stress. I feel like I've maybe taken a bit of a wrong turning and tried to turn this into an educational channel rather than specifically focusing on MY journey. I'm going to come back with a slightly different, more personal approach to these in a few weeks after a wee recharge. Thanks for your message and for watching my videos.
It is clear you put a lot of work into your videos. Thank you! They are absolutely helpful to those of us on a similar journey. Nevertheless, for sure you should take care of yourself and take time off. You would be setting a good example for us.
I am slowly reading Hannah's book as well. I have been reading it for quite a while, really. It isn't something I can read quickly because nearly every paragraph sends me into reflection and analysis.
Your content is the best for my personal situation keep up the good work and that means managing your autism by resting! Late diagnosed male 47. Took the CAT Q and scored 140; turns out I'm a pretty heavy masking Aspie. Yeah, I know people don't like that term but my autism doesn't care.
Thanks so much for another great video and please take all the time you need before taking this back up ! I lóve how you took that stuffed animal close to you, as I myself have a similar red dog that I need to have in my arms before going to sleep 🤘♥️ Take good care, Druan !
I wish your content was reaching more peeps, and I wish the NT's could hear what you have to say too. I keep wondering if you would be up for appearing on a bigger channel I know who are always looking for people (ND only) to interview/just tell their story? I don't mean imminently, you need to take your rest first. I will be here when you get back anyway. 🙂
Thank you - I would be up for this. Not imminently, but in due course after I've recouped a bit. I recently did my first public talk on my videos and what inspired me to start doing them (in an ND-safe space); it was nerve-racking as hell but I'm glad I did it and it's something i think I'd like to push myself to do more of. Drop me a line (amineurodivergent@gmail.com) as I'd be interested in hearing more about this. Thanks for thinking of me!
I will do so soon. I too have a lot of crap to deal with atm lol@@amineurodivergent
24:46 try to be kinder on yourself. You really don't need to mask in these videos, we come hear to hear the real you talk about all the stuff you've learned about being neurodivergent. So if a bit of neurospice gets caught on camera, I'd say that's a good thing, certainly not something to apologize for.
Moreover, I always enjoy it when people make an unexpected association that changes aspects of the topic on hand, and I don't mind a more twisty and less traveled road (I preffer them to a highway). In fact the most fun social evenings I've had in life are those type of conversations. Highly suspect that some of my friends might be ND too...
Thanks. Maybe I should do more of just letting my thoughts go where they will. I try to keep myself quite tightly scripted and on track because .. masking. And no confidence I'll be able to get anywhere good without training wheels on. I might just do a no script, no topic, set the timer for 20minutes and just stream of consciousness blethering one time! See what happens. 🤣
@@amineurodivergent I'd be up for that!
Me too!@@toaojjc
Well. I feel like this whole video was about me..... 😂❤
Get some rest!
47:05 what is IDGAF?
Google it
🤣 I Don't Give A F***. Youth speak. And also a very catchy Dua Lipa song. More random associations from me 🤣!
@@amineurodivergent thanks learned something new!
I love these! they are the only acronyms I ever remember! Now that I'm old IDGAF either, and anyone who has a problem with that I say GAFY@@amineurodivergent
@@minkwells8434 Plenty of problematic people I'd love to intensely and with bass in my voice say Grazing Angle Fluorescence Yield to, but realistically I think I've fallen over at this one. The first three letters I'm confident on - help with the fourth?? 🤣