How To Choose A Partner Wisely
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- Опубліковано 23 бер 2017
- We’re given very little guidance on how to choose our partners and tend to leave it to that mysterious force we know as ‘instinct’. However, it truly pays to be a little more rational in this area and work out how our instincts operate and why they push us towards some people and away from others.
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FURTHER READING
“How do we choose the people we fall in love with? The Romantic answer is that our instincts naturally guide us to individuals who are kind and good for us. Love is a sort of ecstasy that descends when we feel ourselves in the presence of a benign and nourishing soul, who will answer our emotional needs, understand our sadness and strengthen us for the hard tasks of our lives. In order to locate our lover, we must let our instincts carry us along, taking care never to impede them through pedantic psychological analysis and introspection or else considerations of status, wealth or lineage. Our feelings will tell us clearly enough when we have reached our destiny. To ask someone with any degree of rigour why exactly they have chosen a particular partner is - in the Romantic world-view - simply an unnecessary and offensive misunderstanding of love: true love is an instinct that accurately and naturally settles on those with a capacity to make us happy.…”
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There's a Japanese quote that I read somewhere : When you like a flower you pluck it, but when you love a flower, you water it."
Wow. This should be the top comment. I haven't heard it before and it makes so much sense. Unfortunately, I'm a flower a lot like to pluck but few love to water. :/
What if you love the flower that you liked first
And flowers were always a symbol of happiness 🌺
I've heard it before and I'm not sure if it's actually Japanese...
An arranged marriage doesn't work,it wasn't about love it was about money, confusion reigns, why feelings of rejection, it won't make you happy, if you don't start to get a clearer picture, if it wasn't meant to be,don't be forcing the ⚠️ issue🚩💲✅
"Choosing your partner is like choosing a painting. You don't choose the best-looking one, you choose the one that makes you feel something" - someone on the internet.
elmohead but usually the best looking one makes me feel something
Ashling McCarthy 😂😂
What happends when you stop feeling that something? Why should this descion be based on emotions when we are told not to choose emotionaly because ot represents the moment no reallity
Yes but many times we tend to choose the one that we look up or down to and we keep on trying to fix them. Because for some reason it is sooo much easier to fix the other person rather to love and fix ourselves :)
Aren't you a girl?
I remember a buddy of mine told me earlier this year,
"It's your job to make your significant other *happier* - not happy, but *happier.* They should already be happy before they get into the relationship; it isn't fair to you that *you* be their source of happiness."
So cool man, I'll screenshot this
I don't know man, besides for a lover partner what can make people happy?
@@simsitzer4578 hobbys, friends, family, and a lot others...
@@ultimatesnufkinprofileg3151 yes, many things. I would add that many people find happines in growing in relationship with God who is ultimate source of goodness for them.
That is so true
Don't find a partner that validates your fantasies and "never hurts you". Find a teammate who you can do most tasks together with well, but also enjoy spending time with.
This is the part where All "partners" All over the plantet only want to Hurt their partner, 100% of the time.
@@anderstermansen130 youre completely missing the point, the point was that if the best your partner can "offer" you is just NOT hurting you and saying sweet things overally literally just being nice but you have no mutual intrests or good communication to be able to work through problems or as described above "tasks" together then its not worth it and u shouldnt go for smth like that, that was what u shouldve taken from that comment
@@anderstermansen130 I don't understand this comment. That is just a lie. Not all partners want to hurt their partner all of the time. Hurting a partner will happen, as getting to know a person means exposing the things that can be used to hurt you. A relationship must be based on a trust that the other side isn't actively trying to hurt you. But it is still bound to happen. The good thing is that when the other one hurts you, you solve the problem together like good teammates do.
@@jmiod2819 I totally agree, being nice and caring for is nice but if they really love you they would do more than just the bare minimum in a relationship, people shouldn't be just satisfied with the care muumuu and find someone willing to go above and beyond.
@@anderstermansen130 No, he doesn't mean you shouldn't find a partner who validates you, but more so someone who can be by your side no matter what, good or bad, rather than just someone who's just kind to you all the time. Just because there are kind and loving doesn't mean they love you.
Just a friendly reminder that this channel isn't the ultimate authority on everything, it just represents one view.
Indeed. Very Freudian perspective on this topic.
A view that happens to be quite right once we objectively and impartially look at the world around us. I think Alain was very much influenced by Arthur Schopenhauer.
Yidtziak Bagelstein How do you objectively and impartially look at the world around you.
Don't you see the world through your own eyes - and already believe that this stuff is correct?
Are you performing a mass of peer reviewed empirical experiments on the subject? (And even then, you would suffer from bias - it would still be you, and your experiments)
Kedi Stars that's why i love to go through the comments where i find some views challenging the ones in the view, some completely different ones and some supporting it.
All in all helping me decide what i think and make out of it and not necessarily following only one line of thought
I fail to see how this channel represents only one point of view when the points and facts talked about could be used for.multiple avenues of life. What this particular video is saying is very basic to us all. Very statistically and historically accurate. And a very positive message for anyone who thinks about love and romance.
Stop expecting your partner to make you "happy" Stop expecting love to bring you happiness. Find a partner who has shared values, interests, and goals.
seattlegrrlie True
Unfortunately, it's more or less:
Shared values, shared interests, shared goals. Choose 2.
Ambrus Sümegi thats a tough choice. which of the 2 would you choose
_greater point_ Shared values are needed for mutual respect, which is a must for tolerating each other in the long run. Shared goals are what give the whole relationship thing its purpose. So I'd say give up shared interests, be OK with having different hobbies, but maintain a shared home on the basis of values and goals.
Ambrus Sümegi Awesome! Much Appreciated 👍
I understand this. I was attracted to avoidant people, when in reality what I needed was attention, affection, things they could very rarely offer. I could choose affectionate friends, but not affectionate partners. When I met my current life partner, not only did my instincts told me not to see him again, but felt things like fear, thought he was to intense. I was afraid of him, afraid of the unknown, because he was not familiar, like the clip says. Luckily I was doing therapy and I knew theoretically he was what I was looking for. He now showers me with attention and affection every day. So many compliments and grand gestures. If I would have trusted my instincts I would have never known this kind of love exists.
@ Ela Iliesi : That is wonderful, I am truly happy for you, that you found a wonderful man. Please may I ask you something? Is his constant giving to you, and showing you love, unconditional? Or are there occasions where if you you are not happy about something for example, his care for you is then restricted, he makes you feel guilty? Or has your 'radar' truly pinpointed your 'perfect' match and man for a long-term relationship at long last? Anita x.
I am hoping this happens to me as well. Bcoz I never felt this way. I always run away from them who actually shows interest in me bcoz I find them not charming and hot enough.
I feel the same as you but in my case I never dare to start any relationship because I didn't trust myself to be able to make the right choice until now that I'm 32, I have never meet someone who shower me with this much affection. I never get any from my family and at first make me questioning if I deserve it but slowly I start to warm up to it and now I'm really happy with him
@@lightinthedusk I understand what you mean but in my case we have plenty of time to know each other first because it's a long distance relationship we will only meet each other at summer time for the first time. So far I did talk to his family on video call multiple times and his friends also and he has told to mine. We did have time to know each other better but I will proceed with caution of course
Same for me!! I wanted to run when I fist met my BF, I kept getting this feeling something wasn't right and I used to always follow that believing it yo be intuition. I realised it was actually fear because he was treating me in a new way to what I've been used to, showing me he's available to me and showing me real respect. So glad I stayed, it's the best relationship I've ever had. ❤
Repeat after me: You can NEVER fix anyone.
Repeat after me: shut the hell up already
I actually did. But we're not together even though we tried. Made hec eat humble pie by having her preconceived notions get shattered in front of her eyes through no direct action of my own.
I didn't have to. Jesus did change her
i think what Celtic Moon was trying to say was "You can never fix anyboy but you can fix yourself ".
Yes you are right, unless that other person wants or asks for the help you can't fix anyone ...
"We accept the love we think we deserve."
- Stephen Chbosky
Ugh I thought this was from the perks of being a wallflower xD
@@sahara4371 that's the name of the author of the book
And reject the love that would be worth it
I read this in a bathroom stall!
Does everyone deserve to be respected♿✔💲⛔
I couldn't follow the video but the comment section has been quite insightful!
Me too
Me too
Same here
Same
Ahaha yup das me
I'm extremely cautious and I'm taking my time, I'm 59, no rush.
@prachi naidu dude wtf. Do you think people over age of 30 don’t exists? There are plenty of people over 30 who are single and they deserve love too. Seriously you are talking like people who are older can’t have a life. Geez, get a grip man.
@prachi naidu how old are you? You lack so much understanding about this topic, I would find the right one at the age of 80 than fall in a bad relationship right now
Also good luck man, I hope you find the right one and I hope your life sees riches and joy.
Good attitude mate
Thank you. I needed that laugh :)
My takeaway from this - Don't trust your guts or instincts or love at first sight. Takw a pen and paper a free afternoon, to analyze, rationalize. The bad side of parents can be what we look for in a future mate. Because of familiarity, there is a cycle, a repetition.
Lol, it's not calculus
but it seems to be the safest and the most rational decision
Guy response is connected to the brain. May as well say don't trust your brain.
I did this to my ex boyfriend when our relationship isn't getting any better. . Listed down his positive and negative qualities. , Then also listed down positive and negative qualities of my two parents. Guess what.. almost same.
The sad part was both my parents and my bf are hardworking persons but they are not empathetic enough. No quality time, no good talks just shallow talks. They usually disregard my feelings.
So i chose to drop him.
Happy single and taking my time for 1 year and a half!
What about feelings tho?
My parents marriage is not a loving union. In our family we all just do our own thing and we never do the whole, "Tell me about your day." or say I love you..we just know we love each other. I already don't trust myself. I'm extremely undecisive, so I'm petrified of marriage because I know I'll just end up in a relationship similar to my parents and I don't want that. I want REAL love, but I know I won't find it so I put up a front saying I don't want marriage, but secretly I do. In the end, I'd rather be lonely than miserable with someone I can't stand.
I actually admire that deep understanding of yourself, it's an important thing to have, but it does make finding the one you TRULY love that bit more difficult.
However, I have a proposition. Open your heart to someone you like someday and fall in love together. Be each others for a few months until you may feel they might not be the one, but there's one way to know if you truly care about them and them for you. Helped me know the girl I love is the one for me anyway.
Cut contact with them for maybe a week, three max. Better too if it's a busy week for them where they need your emotional support. I had to do this with my girlfriend for for a week because of exams in college taking me away.
During this period, she had her own exams and the longer I spent away from her the more I missed her so dearly and spent every night hoping she was doing well. I realised how empty things became without her and how much she really mattered to me. Looked forward to nothing more in my life than calling her again at the end of the week.
If you feel this way for your significant other, then this is a pleasant way of showing that even subconsciously, you care and love them truly. If you come back to a flurry of lonely, but meaningful messages from them to you as I did, it shows that they care about you just as much.
Just a suggestion.
Best wishes,
A stranger
+ThePieManLikesPie There is someone I care about. We are off and on and off and on. Since I was young. She seems to end it everytime because I could never walk away nor do I want too, but it's long distance and lonely and during the whole relationship I'm just waiting around till she drops me again because I did something. She isn't good with communication, neither of us are really, but I at least want to try. I'm afraid of bringing things to her attention because she's the type that's like I don't have time for this bye. So I either keep my feelings and stuff to myself (which I shouldn't have to in a relationship. I want he emotional support) or stay quiet and things stay relatively normal......There's so many other things that I really think I need a professional like a therapist to keep me decipher you know. I don't know. I over analyze.
This is me to a 'T'.
Victoria Ella I don't believe you're overanalyzing, for this does sound like a relationship that would leave you with a lot of food for thought, plenty good and plenty bad.
I won't ask the whats and whys about what you two have, because I've seen relationships and been in one somewhat like that and it is understandably quite difficult to explain.
What you have with her could be something truly special, but if she's giving you back what you give to her then she's either afraid or she just isn't the one. You must consult yourself, your values, how long you're willing to do this and is she worth it?
If she isn't, you'll be in a dark place for sometime after you both part, but you'll re-emerge with a wiser heart to share with someone who cares. But if you continue with your current love, you must be sure the reward is worth more than the risk.
I wouldn't say you need a physiatrist. Maybe, but this is something that seems only you can truly understand and come to a conclusion with.
Vicoria Ella Hello there stranger on the internet! I just wanted to take this opportunity and tell you that I understand the things you wrote about, cause I felt like I was reading myself. This just shows how many people are like us out there (i'm sure we differ in other ways). But yeah, thanks for making me feel less lonely in the world. I feel like you have a kind heart but you're really scared, probably scared to get hurt, so you better avoid feelings when you can.
And I've experienced love like that. I don't know whether or not you're a teen, but when you're young you rarely know how to love. And you'll eventually learn by making mistakes. I'm still learning, but I've made mistakes, I loved someone and lost them cause I was petrified of showing my feelings, it's still hard for me to believe in others. But fortunately I now love myself, so I think I'm in the good direction. Wish you'll find your way, your truths and all the best :) Sending u love from a place in the same planet.
My mother and father share a very cold relationship and my dad is never really "present" with us, also my mother has SLE "chronic disease" and I often find her crying alone and she looks depressed most of the time.. and what a surprise the ones I'm attracted to are basically the broken girls who have family issues.. and I think that's because I want to "save them" but in reality I'm doing it because I'm projecting my wanting to save my mom and make her happy into other girls.. and yes it never works because most of them are "too broken" to be fixed
I sympathize with this sentiment.
This describes me almost to the letter! I have never been in a romantic relationship before though.. i will try to be mindful of this in the future, thank you.
Thankfully that's not a problem for me. One of the benefits of being selfish is going after what l WANT and not what others want for me or what my parents had.
Sadly, it is not your job to fix anyone. And I know it is hard not to try.. I struggle myself.
Same
One of my favourite things to try to point out to people is that, "You can't change anyone, you can only make them want to change themselves." And, if they aren't willing to change, there's only so much you can do. Know when you're helping someone, and when you're being used.
People don’t change. Period. Going into a relationship and throwing hope around that you’re going to inspire this other person to meet your needs then you surely are a fool. Helping people is great and all but trying to save the other person from their innate self is very foolish. People don’t change. Move on.
Most people do nothing but use others. This is why I avoid everyone. I would definitely tangle with those that use others when trying to find someone that genuinely wants an amicable or amorous relationship. The users can cause a lot of damage while trying to find someone. Having someone in your life offers very little benefits. However having a user in your life can cause incredible amounts of pain. This begs the question, is it even worth to try?
That quote is spot on for me.
My girlfriend used to drink a lot. Our relationship was growing apart because I didn't like when she drank but she loved it. After a lot of talking she realized alcohol was going to break us apart and decided enough was enough. It's been two months since she changed her drinking habits, and now everything is smooth like butter!
That took about the first 35 years of my life to figure out
I don't like the word "change". I prefer evolve and grow.
It should be natural and not forced.
There is a difference between these things.
Going from a unhealthy diet to a healthy one.
Going from still sitting activities you like to different activities you like that give you more exercise.
Going from watching reality shows on TV to learning new things and broadening your horison.
These are not change. These are evolving and bettering yourself.
However.
Going from a unhealthy diet to a vegan diet.
Going from still sitting activities you like to yoga and mountain climbing.
Going from watching reality shows on TV to taking language classes, reading books and becoming a good muslim.
These are specific changes. These things might be good suggestions, but then you are forcing them to do something else. Not evolving naturally.
Reading books is not for everyone, but learning is.
Vegan diet is not for everyone, but eating healthy is.
Religious groups or meditation is not for everyone, but a working towards a healthy mind is.
This all makes sense.
I finally chose an unfamilliar love , who is available, kind , accepting and full of gentleness and humour.
It was worth breaking the pattern of life long bad choices that favoured familiarity rather than a truely virtuous charactor.
Yea how long did that realisation take?
@@Snatraps51be more masculine and sexually forward with the woman and she will like you. Don’t be overly nice. Don’t be mean but push her boundaries a little bit.
👀💯🥰
Yes. The "opposites attract" may be true for more surface-interests like what sports you like, what you work with, what movies you like, etc, but I believe that inherently different and polar opposites of personalities (values, thinking patterns, more deeply psychological things) would only cause problems. Two people need to be similar in those deeper areas. At least that's my take on it!
Sanguith
Yes, you have to have similar values to be able to be happy with each other and avoid unnecessary conflict. The superficial quirks won't matter that much as long as both partners are tolerant.
Sanguith I believe that 2! Im ♒& my fiancé is ♉. On the surface we are opposites, but we are similar at the core w/ our values & beliefs. And we like to communicate so that helps as well!
The foundation is what keeps the relationship strong! ^_^
Priyanka W Exactly 👌
As Elliott Hulse had said, I paraphrase: You and your partner need the same mission. You can be different on the outside, but strife towards the same deeper goal, be it emotional, spiritual or whatever.
Sanguith very well said, completely agree.
I honestly have never been too bothered about finding a partner. I'd rather not waste years of my life dating one person after the other, frantically looking for someone to share my life with when I never had a life in the first place.
If I ever fall in love, then so be it; but I'm not going to desperately look for it.
ApplePie That's actually very insightful, thanks! I'll definitely keep this in mind
I'm not desperately looking, in fact I've been trying to avoid it, but still ended up dating one person after the other. Each time I think I have fallen in love, but on some level know it's going to end up the same.
" couple of years ago I had the exact same aproach" You where 17....
Wait 10 years and then start giving advice to people about relationships.
You've got the right idea
CiarantheDirector
I bet you're pretty young so that's why I take your opinion not as seriously because that's just how it is for younger people.
A word of advice from someone who has been through pain. A relationship shouldn't make you happy, but increase the happiness you already have. That happiness you can only bring for yourself is yourself. You need to find it and make it.
s true Fable
💯%.
Don't try and change the other person.
Don't fall in love with the idea of someone vs the person themself.
Don't go in with any expectations, that just puts pressure on the situation to be what it is not.
Let it be what it is and let it flow. You can never force a relationship. There is such a thing as not trying hard enough, but more often than not the problem is trying too hard. It'll work out or it won't, and if you're both honest, there'll be a good reason for whatever outcome there is. Let yourself be vulnerable: it's the only way to have that true and honest shared love that you deeply want.
I would only add, always be yourself. If you can't feel authentic and honest with someone, you'll never get what you need through honest means.
After a terrible relationship with my ex I understood exactly what I wanted in a woman. Trust became priority #1. I found I woman who I can trust, now we are happily married. We bought a house and are having our first baby. We have been together 6 1/2 years. Looks and money should be seen as bonuses not what to look for.
#obvious
Sorry.
The fact that you had to respond with a hashtag is cringey as fuck.
Gee, loosen up. Nit-picking on little things like this is just as cringe worthy.
It's not really a "little thing" when it's literally 50% of your comment, but whatever floats your boat.
In the scheme of your life, my life, the internet and this video I would say it's pretty little.
I WAS TALKING ABOUT A PARTNER FOR SCHOOL PROJECTS
Lmaoooooo
InForTheWin32 good one lol
Lol
HAHAHHAGAGGAVAVGAGAGAGGAGAGAGGAGAGGAGAGAGAGGAGAGAGA
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Friendship is always a good foundation for a relationship.
There is a sentence describe life very well “Don't run after what you desire , life will bring you what you desire “ .
I disagree with this ... I would say pursue your goals (what you want or desire), if I sit in my room and wait then I will just die alone in my room ... life will not bring me what I desire, it will bring me random events if I don't act
For those complaining about not being able to find a partner, don't sell yourself short. Those who use this short precious life of ours to become better versions of ourselves, will more likely earn what we deserve.
David Maine Agreed.
Is it okay that i enjoy the most when im alone?
Erdem Ermis It means that you're an introvert. You can try finding an introvert who also likes their alone time lol.
but why? why do i need to find someone?
Erdem Ermis You don't have to feel lonely, even when you're alone. If that's what you truly want, then go for it. You're not hurting anyone else.
Sometimes, we fall in love with the wrong person. When things go wrong, everything will confuse us. We start to believe that true love doesn't exist.
A True Love Official ....true love starts by truly loving yourself and most people miss this step in life.
A True Love Official yep and yep.. I know it is out there and I am amazing so surly only time,,,, yeah? Umm.. lol well maybe it is.. living in the bush remote doesn’t help chances, lol.. have a good day or night, lovely lady :)
It don’t exist 😂
For me I start to believe that no one truly cares or wants to be loyal... I love very hard and am willing to change for the better
@@theliftexpert easier said than done if you have no family or good friendships.
This is a great video! I used to pick toxic partners because my parents were toxic. It was hard for me to acknowledge it to myself, and even had to make a rule based on how will my friends react on my boyfriends. It was a hard process, and involved me to break my own heart a couple of times, but I ended up marrying the most amazing man, and this marriage gave me a lot of heeling that I needed so much. I hope that this post can be encouraging for people out there who are going through the similar struggles.
I’m trying to learn how to get through that ☹️
Same
Exactly, It was shocking for me to realize that especially for insecure attachment style we compulsively keep repeating the same relationship pattern on and on during our lives. Pattern (fairytales) is different for AP vs Avoidant vs FA vs DA styles but without serious therapy or a brutal life event(s) we keep repeating a same story, ussualy feeling how other people are a problem, not us. Anxious-preoccupied speaking:-)
The problem comes when you’ve accepted that the ‘type’ you’re attracted to isn’t what is truly best for you.
When you choose a partner opposite of what is familiar, that is truly good to you: but you are constantly turned off by their kindness, and turned on by the prospect of emotional injury.
Programming is often so cruel.
That's so true 💔
It’s a sad and delicate balance to strike for sure. It’s so easy to disregard positive things people say, or relate people to the things that hurt you. If you let your past dictate it all, you won’t get far.
if you aren't going to be a good parent just don't become one
We don't know if we are going to be good or bad parents, honestly.
I never wanted kids, which was fortunate as I didn't meet Mr Right until my mid-40s and being a single mother or trapped with Mr Wrong was NEVER going to happen in my world.
e agree, but some people don’t know when to pull out
Then you wouldnt be a parent.
Man your an idiot!
@@Irene-gq4jr I wish more women were as wise as you are. My father was a deadbeat. My mother just really seemed depressed at times because of how her life turned out.
Makes sense. My mother was a crazy angry woman, and since I know how to deal with that type of person very well, they swarm to me like a magnet. I've taught myself not to fall for the crazy ones, but they are deceptive.
Demitry Scavenger I'm aware my personality is part of the problem in this equation. Just have to be careful.
I feel the same way, my mother has bipolar and it always felt like playing Russian roulette when it came to pining for her affection, sometimes she'd be super clingy, other times she'd be smiling and explode out of nowhere it was always so confusing. I have actually met someone though who I feel is a lot like her in many of the good ways that she was, and I seem to be very good at predicting his emotions and understanding him on a level that others cant. He's really reserved but incredibly intelligent and has opened up my world in ways I could never imagine,like teaching me things, making me face my fears of the unknown, and opens up to only me. I do feel we balance eachother well. he has always had trouble expressing himself or getting attached and I feel I show him the type of love he has always wanted because he has a sense of maternity, consistency, and structure I always longed for, while at the same time he has someone who doesn't turn away from his odd or otherwise misunderstood behavior. we've officially been together for 4 years :)
+Abbigail Babino ^__^ Your comment!!
GenJotsu i laughed so hard at your cmt :)))
Go back to /r9k/, you misogynistic assfuck.
The hardest but most rewarding achievement is to be happy and content with our own company. Most of us are uncomfortable in our own company and, yet, we expect others to embrace us as we are. Got to learn to accept ourselves first before we can truly accept others. Nobody needs ‘fixing’ - but acceptance and understanding. However, that begins with ourselves. When we are comfortable with ourselves we also learn to value our solitude.
Well said! I agree.
the more I watch videos that talk about love in our childhoods, the more I realize I never actually knew what it felt like to be really loved when I was a child
Damn. can relate
This is so depressing because it's true. My relationship with my father was nothing short of cold and distant and now I find myself attracting the very same guys. Reject. Depression, Reject. Unhappy. Reject. Loneliness. fml
MirakoSynth But you are able to change!
same 😢
becuz of u, i nvr stray too far from the sidewalk~~
MirakoSynth Find a nice guy who can cook a good potato salad for you on days you feel blue
MirakoSynth But knowing this you know to make a conscious effort to avoid those who are wrong for you.
the higher level you get, the better partner you'll meet. believe that
RP
Absolutely true and lovely comment I ever heard.😍😍😍 from Bangladesh
💯💯
I agree the more dating I got, the more I learnt from my mistakes
I don't like to think about people having "levels". We are not pokemon lol
"Such rightness sometimes feels foreign and unearned" My current partner completely understands, accepts, and loves me despite me being inadequate and I have to admit that it perplexes me to the point that I sabotage my own happiness because it feels a little too right. But I'm doing my best to rid of this thought and grow emotionally mature for us.
So how's it been, 1 year later?
^
No human can ever be inadequate, we are good enough exactly as we are xxx
Summary: We are actually (only) attracted by people who have the style of love similar to our parent's in the past. And our choices are limited by that tendency, which sometimes result in toxic relationship. To choose a partner wisely, we should examine our past and free ourselves from it (e.g. When we have a toxic parent.)
So would it be a bad idea in general to pursue that familiar feeling?
@@Jushuuwhen the familiar feeling for you means being treated badly, yes you should avoid it. If you grew up having loving and accepting parents and that's your familiarity you can go with your intuition.
am i the only one who is not only impressed by the content but also by the beautiful artwork? brilliant job done here!
Yes the content is quite clever but the artwork takes the cake
And his voice also, very soothing.
Exception to the content, and artwork? Not impressed.
This artwork is good. Some of the other videos...not so much.
WHY DON'T WE LEARN THESE KIND OF TOOLS IN HIGH SCHOOL??
because if you this you will stop consuming
Because the world changes and the actual school system is adapted to the need of a few centuries ago...
S E R I O U S L Y
Coz they'll be out of business
Amanda Sucks cuz unfortunately the society needs tools instead of human
“Choose a partner”? Bruh I can’t even find one by accident, let alone choose one 😂
lol
Ok hi
@@MeillyDLV hi
😂😂😂 you killed me!! I totally relate
THIS
"We don't fall in love, first and foremost, with those who care for us in ideal ways. We fall in love with those who care for us in familiar ways."
That’s great ❤
"We Fallin love with those who care for us in familiar ways" hit me hard for some reason.
Also sometimes its just better to remain single.
-
We long for someone to lean on in the hopes he or she can help resolve our inbuilt problems.
We say to ourselves "When i find love then i'l be happy", or "When i get that new Job then i'l be happy"
But in truth its YOU who you have to learn to love.
Although its not encourage in Western society, Loving yourself, free from Ego, is a sure path to liberation and happiness.
-
I hope all who read these words find peace and happiness they so deserve.
Its true that people should look within for happiness at first actions.
However, life is not perfect. Things don't turn out the way that you planned. I don't know very many people that knew what they wanted to do for the rest of their lives when they were young and people's goals will change as they go throughout life. However,
What is certain is that we all will die and unfortunately, sometimes we don't know when that will be.
You could be hit by a bus, crossing the street on your way to work and as you sit there in the middle of the street and see your life flash before your eyes, will you REALLY feel like you lived the best life that you could? I doubt it. This is what culture doesn't understand right now. Everybody is a moment away from being a rock star, or a silicon valley millionaire, or an expert flirt when you talk to them on the street. But very few people actually meet their goals. You know, the really big and important ones. Its just easier for them to say 'I'd rather be single right now'. You know what, here's an idea. Next time you consciously think or say that out loud, go the other way and work on being in a relationship with someone. It might make you feel like you're really living life as opposed to trying to be a stoic.
🧡 we are travellers here..most of the journey, we are doing by ourselves in the company of very different people. We have to feel at home with ourselves.
Then how do i love myself?
I fap in the mirror?
Release yourself of the past and stay open minded!! That's the best thing I ever did
that means your partner must have the same mindset, about "releasing yourself of the past", and as staying in the past is something that sort of naturally happens with people as they grow older, they will kind of be that way unless they consciously make a decision to change their views on it. But that requires them to KNOW about it in the first place, and realizing this yourself without being INFORMED, is extremely difficult.
Thank you 💙🙏🏾
You’re so fucking right, I need stop taking things personally and act like my 2 am self
Seek a partner with which you see growth. Someone that has traits you desire and lack. Someone that can share a mutually beneficial growth whether that's emotional or intellectual. Getting married next month been together five years and these are the principles I shared with her.
I don't even know why I'm watching this. I'd take anything I could get at this point.
hihihihi, poor you...
69 likes ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
JustinDL97 take me, take me ,#nohomo
so... nothing?
a/s/l? ;)
I think a good take away from this video is to not look for someone who is perfect, but rather someone who can continuously make you happy, and to understand why they do so. To not think in terms of "this person meets everyone one of my qualifications", but rather "this person makes things worth it, because they (insert reason)". A observation that usually isn't as obvious as it should be.
That was deep Lua. ❤. Thank you for sharing such great insight.
Don’t marry someone who isn’t ready to individuate.
Have prior major discussions on how you plan to live together. Put emotions aside and have logical level headed conversations.
Don’t take any chances, life is serious. Marriage is the major decision you’ll make for your life here on earth.
here in india we calll it,"arranged marriage",alas west has made a mockery of us for doing that
This somewhat explains why there are toxic couples all over the place, and quite a lot amazing people that stay single for years and even decades, and we all wonder "why is he/she" still single?
Yeah
After many relationships and a divorce and another relationships I say to everyone people do change as everyone does so don't look for love n romance look for friendship it last forever, n there is love in it
I’m not too old just 24 but realised this quite early, its not actually hard to find someone to go on dates with, to have romance with but its really hard to find someone who cares for you in your bad and good, who lifts you up when you are down, who is willing to invest their time to make things works and not abandon you when they feel a lil discomfort. And this can only be provided by a friend so yeah i’m only looking to be friends with the one that i find pleasing. If our friendship will be real, evantually love and romance will grow by itself. And yeas i’m willing to give all that a good friend need from another.
Married or Single. Be happy. It doesn't matter which. I've had happiness and misery in both. It's like walking on a razorblade. Good Luck
Be happy. Again some of us don't have family. Without family it makes this just be happy idea very hard to achieve alone.
The one thing I learned from my life was to understand that I cannot HELP or STOP myself from falling in love with someone. Be it that they are familiar or not. It is better to allow the feeling to grow and recognize it rather than deny or minimize it.
Only after admitting and embracing it can you start seeing the person objectively. Simply make a judgment if this person is good for the long run and if not, severe and minimize interaction.
It might seem cruel but cutting it at its root before it grows too out of control and too rooted into the ground is better
The narrator thinks he's got everything figured out with his calm voice.
It's really not that complicated... after many years I have learned that you simply can't go wrong with choosing a nice/kind person.
Cannot fully agree with you. A nice / kind person is wonderful, but if you completely neglect factors like sexual attraction and common interests you can easily find yourself attracted to others way more than your partner or bored.
nice try nice guy
A kind of nice person sometimes ended up being nice to others than their own partner. Unless he/she is nice to me or it doesn't matter.
I have been blessed with having been in relationships with very nice women. My upbringing has made me extremely adverse to loud and obnoxious women. That being said, it can still be challenging to journey through life together for a myriad of reasons.
True. There MUST be a sexual attraction or it is just a great companion.
I have discovered that the most important quality in a marriage is this: They get your jokes. In this regard, it is critically important that they agree with you about politics and religion, and also that they have more or less the same level of intelligence.
A good sense of humour and the same level of intelligence. Totally agree.
Yes on similar intelligence. Jokes..Im going to get some not all of them but can ask him if I don't understand (eg the cultural reference in the jokel)
@@AnnasAuthenticArts Much better if one is so attuned to one's partner that there is no need to explain a joke. Explaining a joke defeats its comic purpose. I do insist that one should not marry (or even cohabit) with someone if there is no agreement on politics or religion because that would eliminate a huge body of potential jokes.
I have divorced and one reason was that she was zero interested in thorough conversations. Always said I can’t bother to think about these things. Well she never contributed with her intellect to anything but looked good (only when she was young though).
@@TurreTuntematon Friedrich Nietzsche: "When marrying, ask yourself this question: Do you believe that you will be able to converse well with this person into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory." Yup. But I am wondering, did you decide to marry her because she looked good? It would be unfair to blame her for your mistake. It does seem that men continually make this mistake. Just look at trophy wives, men marrying much younger women. What do the two of them talk about? It surely is a recipe for loneliness.
Almost everytime, I get better thoughts in comments rather than the video itself. 🤣
Really good insight and very interesting. I met with a therapist in a time of my life that was particularly difficult. They told me: “50% of who you are is how you were raised as a child. 50% of who you are is the choices you make as an adult. That history is fundamentally who you are and recognizing this will help you in your relationship”.
so blame your parents for not showing you how to love properly.
That's not the pointo of the video, but it's generally true
*perfectly
yes indeed. we see from them how to relate to others. Thats why I suck. No relationships. only animals. and fictional charactes.
sins of a father
som3guy That's not what it is saying at all, that is a very small minded and unintelligent response. Do not blame, but understand that genetics and patterned learning behaviour has an impact.
my childhood was great, i have very loving parents yet here i am, always hurting because of love.
Same here. But even with a great childhood, parents did one or the other thing wrong; not in a dramatic way, but for a child even tiny things can bring up troubling patterns in the future. I came to the conclusion that I still had to work on some issues and that I learned some crucial things in my relationships - every girlfriend of mine brought me some insights. Today I am in the best shape ever to maintain a healthy relationship and trust on having better relationships in the future. Maybe you too can learn something about yourself from your past relationships and make better decisions in the future.
Friendships ✨
Doesn't that make sense though? We try to find partners that had the same experiences as us, which there apparently aren't many, sadly.
Same for me here
I love how they put this out there like we have the option to "choose".
You do.
Outside of tinder and instagram, you do
"Learning more on how to love each other unconditionally will get your relationship grow a Strength And Wisdom"
Theres No Such thing as foresight on whos the right or wrong person, its your choice to be able grasp on becoming more wiser together.
Lol
Basically, don't date your parents.
Edward Liu could not agree even more
This isn't that good of an advice, because we can learn the positive traits out of anyone. A much more complete advice would be:
"Never date your parents, but search for those outstanding qualities they had and do not settle for anything less".
There is no way I am marrying an uneducated, religious, drama queen.
@@threethrushes again, i'm saying that we can learn from their positive traits, not all of their traits
Incest is illegal in most countries. Don't be stupid, be a smarty.
I think we all need to love ourselves first. Without the judgements, opinions and actions of others towards us, especially those of our parents.
I wish it was simple to do so. But especially our mother creates the scaffolding for how we understand and expect to be loved and treated in every kind of relationship in our lives. If her time and attention is inconsistent, or she often doesn't console or care for us emotionally and physically, we begin to develop unhealthy coping and attachment patterns. And these patterns start in infancy, so they are incredibly deep and pervasive ingrained patterns. Fundamentally, I don't think people can just break away from that legacy. I do think people can grow and find happiness for themselves though.
Choosing your partner is like choosing a painting. You don't choose the best-looking one, you choose the one that has shared values, interests, and goals.
Umm you don't always get to choose
Ah yes, I love acquiring paintings who have the same values, interests, and goals as me.
1. You stole this from someone else.
2. the tweaks you've made are frankly nonsensical. When last I checked, paintings aren't sentient.
"In a childhood we should try to understand, and in many ways, free ourselves from."
Loved that phrase, freedom from the past is real freedom.
So true!!
I'm looking for someone who is comfortable within themselves and that means acknowledging all aspects of who they are. Not easy to find.
So am I
Not easy to do
How did you get on Sonja?
Man, I'm glad I have good parents and had a happy childhood.
Krikit Now the challenge will be meeting someone else who had the same...Good luck
My best friend had the most healthy love growing up. Her parents show affection to each other constantly, her dad has never raised his voice to her mom or her, her mom always cared for them and cooked healthy, her and her brother were best friends. However, last year she married a controlling psycho who has succeeded in making her cut ties with a lot of her family. She isn't even able to call her brother comfortably in his presence and her husband has threatened her brother many times. Mind you they only dated for 4 months before getting married and her whole family opposed. I drove 5 hours the week I had moved to a new city to try to stop her from moving to a town in the middle of nowhere with him away from her family. I failed miserably though. I cannot comprehend why someone brought up in such a healthy home, would sacrifice everything for an abusive relationship, a type of love that isn't familiar to her AT ALL.
I'm happy about it too but I'm lonely as hell so Idk if it really had a possitive effect on me
Carla B Alot of women are weak and dependent, sorry to say. They look for a strong man to guide them, but those strong men tend to be aggressive and psychopathic.
+Carla B That's what makes me slightly skeptical of this way of thinking. It's a bit too Freudian for my liking. I'm more persuaded by an evolutionary explanation. Just out of interest, if you don't mind me asking - are they still together?
Now I realise that the main thing I look for in a partner isn't just the physical features but the ability to play as if you're still a kid; just like my dad did towards me ... Which I loved
My father was in army and didn't know how to show affection to his kids . Now in my relationship, I was in avoidant anxious type relationship.
It's really hard to recover from childhood trauma. Now I know I deserve love ,care, attention .
Thank you for this video
How did you learn you deserve all these? I highly doubt I deserve them, but I am in a relationship right now. And I guess he does love me in a familiar way, not the healthiest way. I don't know...
I believe I don't know how to love healthily at all.
I'd love to hear more about how you learned that you deserve love, care and attention.
I don't know about this. Sometimes, the way we're raised makes us want the complete opposite. My mother "showed love" by basically helicoptering over me all the time to make sure nothing bad ever happened to me. As an adult, I find overly controlling people immediately off-putting. I might even say that I prefer women who leave me the fuck alone... which is probably why I'm single.
Be careful. my mother was loud, grandiose, moralistic, and aggressively confident. I knew I wanted something completely different. I married a woman "shy," tentative, and quiet. Turns out that they actually had a lot in common. Ultra critical, hyper-sensitive, couldn't apologise to save their life, and ultimately without empathy. Outwardly opposite, inwardly...
You are not alone, as a man preferring your own company. You will never screw yourself in Family Court, you will never keep your children from yourself, although you will end up turning over most of your income to yourself.... Do a UA-cam search for MGTOW.
I mean.. It makes sense what you say..but I feel like those are just the more obvious things. Like, things you got too much of repulse you. I get that, same for me. But I think the part that you look for for familiarity is on a more subconscious level, things you never quite made ammends with within the relationship with your parents.. Like the well-put comment above: it would be behaviors that come out during conflicts and less seen moment.. But ones that get under your skin as soon as they become a not one-off occurrence. Usually at this point of realization you've been in the relationship for some time, where that person feels comfortable enough with you to let her immature behavior patterns out.
so in this scenario, maybe YOU are the helicopter when you are in a relationship. it might be the way YOU show love to others-- unconsciously, of course--- by telling them what is best for them and constantly trying to be steps ahead so they do not get into trouble.
Na man your single because of your profilepicture
Shawn Ravenfire
It’s best not to repeat what is familiar. I would never want someone who is
controlling, for example.
Anyone that tolerates me will do at this point.
Bart Bols yeah, same. As long as they have a pulse and can tolerate me, we are goof
Lol
My criterias for a great companion:-
1. Great Sense of Humour
2. Health conscious
3. Look conscious
4. Interest for shopping
3. Movie lover
4. Interest in music
5. Love touring
6. Like cooking and trying different recipes
7. Food lover
8. Nature lover
9. Like to workout
10. Spiritual
11. Have Liberal thoughts
12. Like to dance
13. Like fun outdoor activities
14. Passion for LIVING
sounds like too many. Did you find it?
I’m only 22 but from my experience I wish I really would have got to know the person before I built feelings for them because you can literally trick yourself into falling in love it’s called getting to emotionally invested honestly when you first get somebodies number don’t text them and call them everyday, don’t force conversation find something to do be productive I box and make music and I also have a lot of funny friends so it’s kind of easy for me to get certain things out of my mind quick I wish you the best of luck on this road we call love
Legit bro we are the same hahaha
Lol so True👍👍
How to choose a partner wisely.
Look in mirror.
Choose the person you see.
Sorry, but you shouldn't date people who mock you by mimicking everything you do. The man in the mirror is a jerk.
@@Freefork 😂😂😂😂
@@Freefork That was good 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Something tells me you seeing someone else in the mirror not you lol 🥰
Hey how do you do
bobpeculiar117@gmail.com
Mail me
I met a girl at my college whom seems to break this pattern. She is incredibly warm and sweet, me on the other side was deeply hurt as a kid. I'm damaged, i knew she is the one ,but I just don't have the courage to ask. its the unfamiliar that scares me, but unfamiliar is what I need.
Zhaoji Liu Cbt goes a long way, if you really want it to work out and she feels the same it will
Zhaoji Liu what you have is a crush
shame on you! ask her out! you already have the negative!
Stop being an idiot and ask her already.
do you want someone to comfort you? Or do you want an amazing dynamic relationship?
ME personally, i want to treat people the best way i was never treated.
To me it seems like your being Selfish and want to be with a girl who only cares about you. Will you care about her?
Do you Only like her because shes Sweet and Warm?
Or is there any familiarity between you two? Do you share anything in common? Do you think you need anything in common? Ask yourself questions before you make descions. And dont think about Reject negativly, Youll just find someone better, right?!?
Working on forgetting as much of my childhood as possible for years I will get there one day
Stay single and free yourself from the burden of drama, bad relationships, money wasting marriage and divorces, angry exes, violence, financial problems, and stress. People don't belong to you.
It is not necessary to date nor marry someone. However, it feels safe when you're with the right person, to rely on someone that understands you and respects you as much as you do. Plus the love and affection that comes with it.
Love is amazing when it's well done :)
There are people who are mentally ill that need someone
Feelings are fleeing and for every changing. Logic and reason is the tools you need to make sound choices, including choices in relationship.
Roy Thousand Logic says make close friends for emotional intimacy and fuck around for physical intimacy
Roy Thousand Good luck teaching women logic and reason
hi Demitry...try learning logic yourself because your comment is completely illogical...some people who test in the top 99 percentile in logic are WOMEN...so they would probably have something to teach you (but why would they want to do that?)...just sayin'
Maybe it's just that women who have logic and reason have known well enough to avoid you.
So you're criticizing a comment directed against your person for stating a comment that was directed against other persons... Be sure to chastise yourself for making an ad hominem while you're at it for congruity.
it is interesting to think, some may end a relationship because it feels "to right". Letting our fears control our happiness will ultimately lead to sorrow.
“…Don't find a partner that validates your fantasies and "never hurts you". Find a teammate who you can do most tasks together with well, but also enjoy spending time with...”
I'm so glad I had the parents I had. I also listened to them when it came to who I married in the end and 23 years later we're still married and sadly my parents are both gone. I actually think that they liked my wife better than me, probably because she's generally a nicer person than I am.
I feel like it should be pointed out that the attraction to people who are "not right for us" based on our hidden desire for familiarity is immature. listening to your emotions alone is something one does in adolescents. I can attest to this. when I was young I constantly found myself with emotionally abusive people not realizing I was trying to form a connection to the past. I had cut off my parents and hadn't spoken to them for several years because of their abuse but I might as well have been based on the men I chose to include in my life. Now that I am older I have been more focused on what kind of person my partner is an have been able to weed out any candidates who appear to be negative or otherwise abusive in nature. this all sounds so cold, but in doing so I have found a man I love who treats me kindly and still manages to excite me. he is well worth the affection and care I have to give.
This is exactly what i am discussing with some other people here in this very comment section. I hope they will also read yours, as it backs up what i was saying. To me it seems like most people who discuss the love and relationship topics online come with a very distorted view that shapes their opinion. These views often include the following: people are rated in numbers (e.g. "she is a 5 out of 10"), rules are set up that make the world a place where only the most beautiful and "perfect" people are successful - and attractive people will only date and marry other attractive people. Attractivenes is mostly measured in looks. Especially young men go crazy about this stuff online. Every commentsection i go goes this way - mostly young men claiming these socio-darwinistic "theories" to be the only truth out there. What they dont get is - time changes everything and everybody. Amongst young people im not even saying that all of these rather cold and brutal theories of attraction are false. Young people, i say between the age of 16 to 30, can be very superficial, narcisist and, as you said, immature. The successful ones become picky and self-entitled, the not so successful ones become depressed, frustrated and bitter. A part of growing up for both sexes includes an increase in tolerance, i think. Some become more tolerant and thoughtful because they become smarter. Some simply realize their aging body/attractivenes cannot keep up with their inflated ego, so they become less arrogant and picky. In the end, decay and death awaits us all. Even the most beautiful young women and men will wither and be returned to dust. Realizing this can help become more mature and more open to true love.
thank you
Maybe I am too young to understand this but (and I don't mean to sound bitchy or anything I'm just seriously wondering) if one approaches love like that, I mean in a rather calculating than emotional way, then how does it differ from friendship? I chose "calculating" for the lack of a better word because English is not my first language, not really happy with how I put this though because friendships are usually rather based on emotion than planning as well.
I for one had parents who were verbally abusive to one another and I think I'm dating some who is treating me the same way.. this comment really made me think and so did this video. Since you can find a person who treats you kindly then so can I
So happy for you💙 adolescence is the time to learn to one day become mature adults. The good thing is you learned well and now are happy. (:
I enjoy the moment of self reflection these videos give me. While not all I feel apply to me, I enjoy opening my mind to different trains of thought and evaluating choices I have made. Thanks for all you do.
Same
So true, are you an INTP :)
Me too!
Same. I at the moment in my life where I'm trying to master mind and self. Not thinking about anything else even relationship (boyfriend & girlfriend) and I'm starting to love it.
You are an intelligent person my friend :)
This was so helpful.. I'm dating again after ending a pretty horrible long relationship. I'm learning just now what a healthy relationship looks like, and who is good for me. Sometimes it's not who you are initially drawn to, but over time their characteristics will make you feel warm and safe. It's always better for a relationship and feelings to grow slowly I think. To be cared for is a real gift, something I never really experienced until now.
This hits the nail on the head for me. I've picked partners who are like my personality disordered parents and avoided the ones who would've been good picks. It's a little late; hope I can change this pattern.
same here
I really hate the narrator's voice. It's so soothing that I tend to disregard the content.
P.S. this is a compliment. I love his voice hehe
This is like the compliments I give out 😂😂 I'll say something & people will be like "was that a compliment orrr?"
Lol well, I actually hate the narrators voice... Like, for real xD
Choose? I think you're being overly optimistic here.
I wish I had the luxury of choice! Like even one choice
Yeah, beggars are not choosers
Lol
Becoming charming and pretty ✨ I think that helps but ya I struggle with same people even when you can choose it’s like 2 ppl that you don’t like
We don't choose who out heart loves. We love who we love. We love our family because that's our heritage. Emotions are temporary. Never let someone take you away from yourself.
You do choose who you love ... unless you are saying we don't choose anything choice is an illusion, which is true
Choosing is a challenge, yet its worthy investing time in, for this affects our happiness for life. Its not about being sophisticated, but choosing someone with shared values and interests, one you can converse with, play with etc like a friend. One who will commit through the ups and downs of marriage.
Terrifying that someone I thought I loved very much a year ago was almost identical to my mother, controlling, aggressive, stubborn, manipulative, made everything my fault, etc. at least I know now yay
i like controling girls i like agressive girls i like stubborn girls, i dont like manipulative girls.
How was she manipulative? I like someone who challanges me. I am Alpha i love to assert dominance. When a woman plays hard to get its fucking hot. Yes i want to earn things not get them for free.
+Draco Pheonix XD wait, you like to control, but you want her to control you as well. A bit of a conundrum I'd say. Haha. But the challenge should be easy to find. Plenty of girls fit that description, I guess most will be manipulative too. •_• I am told I am manipulative. dang it. Lol
i like a girl who does what she wants, rarely listens to others, and does fine, a girl who is in Control of her life, Aside from parents and the law. I dont mean she would break the law, but a girl who has control of her life.
An Independant Woman!
first world princess spotted
How To Vegan you’re definitely not alpha if you chase women that play hard to get. Alpha men don’t chase. You’re definitely a beta male who believes is an alpha.
I love someone who doesn't love me and I don't love the person who loves me. I really hate love really it's brought me nothing but confusion and unhappiness.
Story of my life! You are not alone!
same me
Stay single and just enjoy the moment. It will come to you
Love or attracted to?
I find it so true, here goes the experience no one asked for:
So last year I got a crush on someone who I knew wouldn't like me back, and after confessing, yeah, they didn't,,, and somehow... I was relieved. I just couldn't understand the "way" I didn't care much about it, I thought a bit deeper and started asking myself "Why do I even like them?" and I also couldn't find much "interesting" responses, I know think, it was because this person represented all the good, sweet, soft things, aspirations that any average person who truly enjoy's life and has a critical eye on it would present, but anyways even during the crush I couldn't bring myself to the idea of us dating, because even with security and understanding assured, it didn't felt "right" like if it was "missing" and also "boring" like if such a stable, healthy relationship wouldn't be what I'm looking for, like if what I need is more "action".
That's some terrible discovering right there
wow....absolutely profound.
I've been searching for my parents in every partner. neglectful, absent, too busy, emotionality unavailable, inpatient and stuck in their old traumas.
I've seen myself trying to fix and offer help to those I see an "needing" my help
I've seen myself searching for myself in others expecting them to love me in the ways only I can.
boy this video really was helpful, thank you. I owe it to my younger self to stop breaking my own heart by attaching to those who are there to offer what I was taught, rather than what is healthy.
I learned this in psychology class. We constantly crave that unconditional love that we received as a child in our adult partners and it isn't fair to the other person. We have to let go and be practical, while still maintaining standards.
Just reading some of these comments makes me feel better already, less lonely, normal, in a way that its not just me who feel this way...
doubting n fear about love yet desiring it badly...
It's my experience that youthful relationships are usually very different from our parents ( rebellion, individuation and all that).The people we choose as mature adults are often much more similar to our upbringing. Dr. Plomin would say that's genetics kicking in.
You choose the partner with whom u can grow in all aspects of life , pinpointing the differences between the two and working on them to make the relationship work rather than settle with fall of relation!
How true....childhood experiences affect how we perceive, receive, and give love
That’s why dumb fucks shouldnt be parents
Almost cried.
This video hurt me because it revealed a lot of a messed up childhood I've had.
I think I need help
heyy, you are special and we all love u
TAKE CARE
Sending love your way may the Lord heal you!
Only child.. My parents divorce.. No GF
This sounds like the path toward healing. I hope you get the help - and happiness - you deserve
@c1981 Hehe, yeah. Thank you very much 😁
For Me:
* physically representing my biological & psychological map (expectations & cravings)
* has a kind of polarity that fits me & feels right to me
* physically familiar (has some resemblances to me & my family, relatives or friends but better)
* has a personality, energy, behavior & beliefs that are compatible to me
* we share some interests
* could bring out the hidden tiger in me
* stirs my intense, tender, caring emotions
* needs me, counts on me
* has intelligence not lower than me
* shares my moral & spiritual values
* could move me from where I am
* could bring me more valuable experiences
* ready to exchange opinions & emotions with me
* as open-minded & unconventional as me
* knows himself very well & knows how to manage his weaknesses
* has strong instincts & moves away from something that may endanger the relationship
* aims for balance, peace & harmony
* knows how to be contented
You don’t really choose who to be in love. At least that’s me. It’s just the connection with a person that no one else you have experienced before. No one else seems to be able to replace. But I definitely believe that how we love in a relationship definitely has largely to do with our childhood.