It's a familiar story. Hypercritical parents. Every mistake is punished rather than being a learning experience. Intrusive, controlling behavior. Unpredicable outbursts of anger. Walking on eggshells. My father was normal but conflict-avoidant. My mother has OCPD with paranoid features and was the family terrorist. The good news is I "outgrew" most of my symptoms once I got out of the house and realized the world wasn't like that. I think I was about your age. I want to encourage you to open up, but also caution you to be careful when getting into a relationship. I think we have a tendency to gravitate towards other "damaged" people. The absolute last thing you need is to get attached to a girl with BPD or other cluster B. It will be fantastic until it isn't anymore and the devalue/discard stage will be particularly devastating to you. I'm speaking from experience here.
Second that experience, still (almost 4 years later) dressing the 3rd degree wounds that brought back EVERY childhood trauma I thought I had learned to cope with. Beware, WE are half that dynamic, and contrary to pop psychology belief, WE unknowingly take actions that invite the "vampire" in by investing too much too soon and ignoring bad behavior (assuming we are the cause or that it's "normal" due to our prior conditioning). Please be careful, if it seems abusive and they disregard attempts to rectify problem behaviors, IT IS abuse - don't walk, RUN away- you can't "love them better" but you can die inside trying.
what you explain is pretty standard in narcissistic or borderline parents - the child as a mascot, as an extension of themselves, reflection of themselves, not as a separate individual. This also disregards boundaries , since the child is not separate. you describe my life man. So much similarities. Only one thing so far different - I was good at a lot of the things they wanted me to do. Sounds better than it is. Im 37 now, and I dont really know why I do my stuff, if its from me, or if it is because its what was put into me as valuable things to do. Its the latter. I have no idea what I want to do. I only know some things i dont want to do. in narc parents, its also normal for the child to take on the responsibility for the parents emotions and behavior, and adapting to make peace, etc. Becoming hyper alert, hyper sensitive. The kid is caretaking the parent, not the other way around. Like it should be ! its bad parenting, its child abuse, and its not our fault ! We are the kids. no guilt. ( no more guilt :P)
Love you so much for making this video 🫶 I have AvPD too and you described my behaviour almost to a tee… it feels good to *see* someone else relates instead of just reading theories and case studies on this disorder… I also feel kinda empowered because I have a morbid fear of posting on social media but if you can do it, so can I. Eventually. Wish you all the best in your journey of recovery, you’ve got this 💪
I'd never even heard of AvPD until very recently; my therapist luckily recognized the symptoms during my ADHD assessment. It's very comforting to watch your videos and to read all the comments beneath them. It helps to see that you're not the only one struggling. Thank you!
Parents divorced at 4. Completely ignored me. No support system at all. My brother is 6 years older and I believe sociopathic and bullied me constantly. So for me it was having no support system and then sibling abuse.
Thank you for the courage to share this. I can hardly think about my childhood without dissociating, so I try not to now. Coming from a different perspective (schizoid), I’m interested that a commonality between SPD and AVPD is not having people in our lives we feel safe with growing up. Also, both my parents are distant physically and emotionally. I spent much of my early 20s trying to be what I thought of as “normal” and made myself miserable and eventually suicidal. I wish I could figure out what changed in my life apart from just giving up trying to change who I was and make my life better in ways that I could.
It can be hard to know what's changed. For me, I think what's slowly helping is just getting a better understanding of a realistically-attainable life that I can be happy with. I thought for years that I could never be around anyone without feeling terrible. Now I know I thought that because I hate feeling like I'm making anyone uncomfortable, and I felt like I always would, because I thought I was a bad, worthless person - and I thought *that* because I was comparing myself to what I was led to believe others expected me to be. But I am a person worth being around, and I'd like to get to where I can be around (no more than a handful of) people that like me :)
Hey Jake, I do not think people other than us understand how HARD it is to open yourself up for others to learn from like you are doing. I am still trying to get myself to do a 2nd video because of progress I have made. My parents were the opposite of yours. They agreed my dad would raise me, my mother would raise my sister. The abuser of my dad and myself was my grandfather. My father was (based on his behavior) afraid of abusing me like his father did to him without understanding that leaving me with my grandparrents during summers meant I got treated the same way. As a result, all I knew was that my dad never spent time with me. My grandfather was someone who took his anger out on anyone within range. So I learned how to hide in plain sight. I was never left with them after around 7 then ADHD kicked in in 6th grade and took over driving the negative feedback loop; embarrassment, hide, do something embarrassing, hide deeper. All I knew was isolation and not understanding how to fit it like everyone else. In your case and mine, I think the cycle could have been broken if anyone had recognized the negative cycle we both lived in. The lesson from both of us for parents is how important positive feedback and encouragement is to children and how much damage parents do t0 kids when they are put in the middle between fueding parents.
I completely agree, David. And, while you know I absolutely understand how hard it is to open up (every video is still a struggle!), I really do hope you are able to do another video sometime. Your first video was awesome and is extremely important-there are so few people talking about AvPD in general, but especially in your generation, and it's extremely valuable to spread our understanding. I've been so glad to read about the progress you're making, and I'd love to hear more in a video as well, when you feel ready!
It is interesting about how AVPD is fed by putdowns and denegrating. My daughters and I have started a weekly video call to work on our relationships. I mentioned how part of my problem was that as hard as I tried, raising the kids was one crisis after another (multiple personality disorder, bi-polar, ADHD, suicide, my ex put them in the middle like your parents did to you) When she did, I did not see them for 8 years so they would not have to take sides. When I told them that it all felt like one big failure. my youngest said "but you did a lot of good too." I cannot remember anyone every telling me I had done a good job at anything before.
Thank you for sharing Jake. I can relate, while not identical there is emotional needs that children require in order to function properly, especially if they have troubles that aren't being seen or recognized. With parents that aren't solely focused on the childrens well being, and their own individuality as a child it can be hard. My parents were similar, an emotionally narcissistic and negative mother to comfort while getting no comfort in return while always feeling like an inconvenience, and a distant father who didnt really teach me anything, and expects me to metamorphose into an adult and my own life. They never taught discipline, boundaries, goals, forgiveness, growth, affection, love, and patience. They tried in their own way, but in a sense it just led me to fall deeper into avpd through neglect and isolation as it was my only solace. It's ironic cause my dads a teacher, and my mom works taking care of the mentally disabled, and yet here I am flawed lol. Its difficult cause no one is taught how to be a parent, or how to not see through our own eyes to actually know our effects on others or what they actually need. I have difficulty driving too, especially merging on the highway when its crowded, took me two years to get the license and lots of pushing from my dad. I still live with my parents, and they are still the same, but I have to learn how to fix and love myself because hoping or waiting for them to know what to do will never come. I am grateful for my parents, theyre pretty open-minded and really nice people, and now they're trying to get me into therapy. But part of me feels like that is just pushing away the emotional burden/responsibility onto others to deal with for some reason. I think its cause I wish they would've 'fixed' me, and ultimately I never want to be a burden to anyone.
I hope you do give therapy a chance, if you think it could be helpful. At the end of the day, like you said, it's on us to fix and love ourselves, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't talk to others that have dealt with similar things (whether personally or, in the case of therapists, with other patients) and get some idea how to do it. We aren't just burdens :)
I find so many similarities between how you grew up to how I was growing up. With the chores - it’s similar to a T…with the added bonus of them complaining about us and other relatives that we were “lazy”. I have a particular memory of even my grandfather an mom laughing at me on the way I was swiping with the broom without mom ever explaining to me how it’s done..I must of been 11-12 years old. All of the things cummulated resulted in me even now being insecure about anything I do - always afraid somebody is going to point out something wrong I do, even if I do nothing. I also had a traumatic experience while learning how to drive as my driving instructor this time kept suggesting or saying I am not “talented” at driving and was even almost yelling at me. I’ve been observing also I don’t have a distributive attention as much…so I am afraid of making a mistake and hurting someone. This resulted in me not driving for years even if I took my exam and have a driving’s licence. P.S.: I want to read your book.
I still barely drive as well, and can really only manage what I have to because I'm in a rural area. Not a huge fan of where I live, but probably won't ever move far because I need the familiarity. It's awesome that you're interested in my book :) I'm hoping to have an update, as far as publishing, around the new year.
Very well explained, Jake. Good insights. I would like to recommend to everyone the books of Lindsay Gibson PsyD about emotionally immature parents. These books offer great insight and support I find. I wish you and everyone healing, selfcompassion and selfworth.
Hey Jake. I also have AvPD , and your videos have helped me remember a lot of the shit that I also dealt with as a kid... shit that I didn't even realize were potential causes for my own AvPD, so thank you. One thing in your video stuck out to me. That you don't want to blame your parents and you don't want them to feel guilty. I just wanted to say that you can absolutely blame your parents. The thing is, you can blame them while also understanding that they were doing the best they could. The blame, and the understanding/forgiveness, can both exist at the same time. I'm saying this here because it really helped me to not internalize the blame onto myself by, which, in turn, helped be work through some shame. Allowing myself to blame my parents also gave me the opportunity to work through my anger and resentment, which ultimately helped me feel closer to my dad because now we understand each other better. Anyway, whether you agree with this or not, or if that's something you deal with, I'm glad that you seem to have come a long way on your journey to understanding yourself which I find very inspiring. Once again, thank you!
That's a great point. I definitely agree. Saying I don't want to blame them was definitely an oversimplification of how I feel about it, since I had a lot going on in my head while recording this video. People really can hurt each other mentally, even or perhaps especially our parents, and it's important to recognize when that's happened, so that you're able to let it go, and forgive them and yourself. Thanks, Carter :)
Thanks for sharing your story. I've a similar experience from childhood. My parents used to fight and there was a lot of jealousy. They didn't hit me or something but I feel neglected. I never saw my parents hugging or even speak in a good manner. Whenever anyone showed up at home I was tensed about what was going to happen. I have a AVPD diagnose and for me it feels kind of a relief that someone could listen to me at last and tell me what could be wrong and why I always felt alone. I used to play with my toys and almost never played together with any other kids. I appreciate you talking about your childhood because it gives me something to relate to. Sad to hear about what you've been going through but good that you can talk about it. Take care.
🫂 Sorry you had to go through the same sorts of things. Thank you for sharing, and for the kind words. Best wishes :)
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I am probably having AvPD and I think it was caused by my father and sister having serious narcissistic tendencies. So showing my emotions was never safe, it was used against me. I am grateful I am not alone going through this diagnosis. I really do appreciate you opening up, you are a brave man, and I applaud you how well you can think about all of your childhood. You are so brave, I am not sure if you even know. Thanks for your video
Hey Jake Thank you for sharing. My mom was hypercritical and I am social, but I have a lower self-esteem. Recently, I dated a guy that might have AvPD, and it he was withdrawing, he was pretty critical of me and not close to his parents. He is 49 and I am 38. He had lost his mom. He told me his mom and dad were similar to yours. His dad didnt show emotions and he is now like his father. I am pretty emotional, and it didn’t work out because he was withdrawing, but I care about him so much. I wish it would work out.
I'm sorry to hear it went that way with him. It really does take a lot of determination to get past so much insecurity and learn how to express yourself, more or less for the first time, as an adult. Unfortunately, there's not much anyone else can do to make it happen for a person in that situation (though like you said, a therapist can certainly be a good starting point).
Your videos are so helpful. You are such an intelligent and articulate person. I grew up with parents that argued a lot with my mother throwing objects at walls. I always felt that there was something wrong with me and couldn’t connect with others. I would keep people so far away from me so that it would be less chance of getting hurt. Not socializing eventually led to depression and anxiety. You are definitely helping a lot of people. I hope you can get a handle with this because you have your whole life ahead of you!
Thank you, Christina. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with similar experiences. I'm pretty proud of how I'm improving so far. I hope things are better for you these days as well!
Thanks for this video, Jake. I really resonate with your words & I respect the courage it takes to organize all these thoughts cohesively (hardly a "rambling mess"!) Various experiences you shared like taking on parents' hobbies to have positive attention & bonding, being guarded about your interests, & worrying about people's perception of you in order to be around them -- were all great reminders of things I still need to work through even if it's painful. I follow this great account Dr. LePera, the holistic psychologist, who writes helpful thought reframes & coping strategies -- if anyone here is interested in having positive reminders / affirmation to continue healing.
It was really hard listening to your story as most of it was similar to mine. I was diagnosed with AvPD earlier just year, but just now looking into what it is. Your videos have helped me understand it a lot. Thank you!
I have anxiety along with dependent personality disorder with avoidant features and it hasn't been easy at all. But I've learned ways to cope with it as I've gotten older. My childhood wasnt the greatest either. But both my parents have made up for all that. Just know you are valued you matter and no matter what you are a good person deserving of love. I feel your pain.
My dad taught me in the parking lot by the football field. You can try there. You really have to go to therapy to deprogram your parents negative things they said because it won’t go away, and you might start behaving like your parents too unintentionally. They didn’t support you enough to build a self-esteem.
My parents would also argue and fight and I would cry like you said too, so I went through some of what you did. My mom fought me also, similar to you… choking etc.
Thank you!!! You are making a difference in this world! Just by being YOU! Thank you for sharing too! I’m trying to understand an avoidant ex. I’m wishing everyone true love! (Not the guilt manipulation kind!) Peace to you! Persevere! You’re doing great!
Your dad sounds exactly like my dad , all aboout legacy we are property to them ; he’s most likey a psychopath or narcissist , they didn’t care , everytime they showd us affection was an act
My dad is a psychopath my mom is a narcissist my brother is a covert narcissist, these are 3 worst possible disorders , and most likely every person with avpd has similar parents , but we all have rose colored glasses so it’s very very very hard to see , I urge everyone to move out , cut off contact asap if possible
you are so lovable. Just so you know. Sorry all that has made you feel that way. On my job when someone praises me I can't wait to get off the phone with them because there is a feeling that I am sure to disappoint.
Are we siblings? because you sound like you are describing my parents. Anyways, I´m sorry you have to deal with this shit. Currently, I have zero contact with both my parents and haven´t spoken to them in the last two-almost-three years, and I am not planning to do so anytime soon. My dad told me something along the lines of I was acting like they were dead the last time I spoke to him, to which I replied that I was just giving them the kind of relationship you sowed with me, nothing less, nothing more. I honestly think there is something very fucked up about the fact that they refuse to acknowledge the damage they have caused. They just justify themselves by saying they did the best they could, but of course, they didn´t. They did the easy thing to do, which was not bothering themselves with their own children, and now they expect us (me and my sister) to be the bigger person and just move on from what happened. But I refuse. Cutting them off from my life is the best choice I have ever made. I have never experienced so much inner peace as now that I don´t have them in my life. I´m not gonna lie and say I don´t occasionally hear that relentless inner critic which has my parent's voice, but now I just ignore it and tell myself that I don't ever have to deal with them again. I´m not going to suggest you do the same, but if you can consider it, your life can change for the better by a lot.
It's a struggle, because I really believe my parents think they did the best they could have been expected to, given their own emotional situations, but when you make the decision to have a kid or three, you kinda have to step it up no matter what. I'm so glad you're feeling better now; we deserve to. I'm focusing on figuring out my living situation for now. I'm hoping it will be easier to decide what's best once I manage to be on my own for a while. Thank you :)
@@JakeAvPD yeah my parents say the same. I think it’s their own coping mechanism to avoid taking accountability and face their shitty choices or behavior tho. Like, mine tell me to grow up (to get over trauma, for them it’s not an issue) But even if you don’t know anything about kids, i feel like some things are no brainers, like… don’t abuse your children, don’t abuse your power over them, yes you have to teach them basic life skills, yes they need constant attention, no, babies are not cute toys, no, your children don’t owe you anything… and like you said, your kids will have their own life and it won’t revolve around you.
@@SagrarioTarot I totally agree, and unfortunately I know my parents don't entirely (they've specifically told me there's some things they do think I owe them, just because they brought me into existence). I try to just ignore it, because I know they had their own difficulties growing up that warped their views, but there's definitely a point at which I need to draw a line.
@@JakeAvPD yeah but you know? No one forced them to be parents, they made that choice on their own. You don’t owe anything to them and the fact they tell you that is toxic asf. That’s why i cut mine off my life. Like they don’t get to ruin my mental health and walk away without consequences. Like there’s no way in hell.
Parents can put us on guilt trips its part of them avoiding responsibility for there neglect abuse mind games bad parenting. There selfish. I cut off from my mother for years and felt no guilt or regret and felt I could be the real me. When I got older I realised after intense CBT Therapy that my parents were damaged flawed fucked up individuals and i ended up feeling sorry for them. I had a shit childhood and it ruined my life. Iv spent 30 years crying every other week. Parents can manipulate us and we can forgive we can become codependant on them like Stockholm syndrome please look this up. We end up loving our abusers. Iv felt guilt for almost 35 years. Its my parents guilt they projected onto me. @@JakeAvPD
I have a boyfriend who is avoidant. I have studied how avoidance affects relationships. It helped me to understand him. I think you are awesome. Thank you for sharing!
Very well thought out. I'm sorry to hear that you were given a bad start to life. I agree that the intention for having children has a strong bearing on outcome. I think we've been wired to not rock the boat, so we can become understanding as to how they emotionally neglected us. My take is to balance off our understanding with accountability. If we hold ourselves accountable for mistakes then we should hold others to it to whatever degree is sensible. But we need ti extend our understanding towards ourselves too. Both can seem contrary to each other but they perfectly compliment eachother. I hope that made sense 😅 Thanks for sharing. Maybe you should consider making more Videos if you found the outlet useful. You didn't ramble but rambling is easy when cameras are such good listeners! You're appreciated!
Dang. I wish I could give you a hug! I watched the whole thing. You are so similar to my friend, and have given so much insight into what they must be going through. You weren't rambling at all! Very clear and well spoken, the detail is helpful to understand. Thank you for sharing. 🙂
OMG, you are so highly self reflective and honest and aware. Thank you so much! Concerning the thoughts of ones own life and ending it...I think, it is a kind of self destructive but self preservational tactic of the subconcious. We all have ancestor wounds and they usually run deep within the families. So before someone tries to heal, this kind of "reaction" kicks in in order to "protect" the family lies. Just a thought but it helped me a lot to understand this when it came up in my life.
Similar but not similar for me. Although I do felt especially my father being criticizing about my "academics" they never really pushed me to be better. However since I have a brother with special needs, they always put my needs aside. Telling me and themselves that I would not need attention and that everything would be okay with me. While my brother needed special attention and most likely his adult life would be problematic, hence they told me as a little kid that when I grew up, I would need to take care of my brother. In hindsight this was some kind of neglect, wich could be categorized as emotional abuse. Besides that my brother was very jealous of me and therefore acted out abusively towards me on an emotional level (mostly with words, and denigrating behaviour). My parents where not able to handle his behaviour so they thought me to just take the blows and try to think of it as nothing. Both this and the believe I was strong because they expected me to be strong, I always felt the need to be very good at school and college, raising the bar and pushing myself to get good grades because I needed to take care of my brother eventually so always felt I needed to have a good paying job. This was somehow the seed for me that was planted in developing AvPD. Some other traumatic experiences like being bullied in high school and later some other abusive things happened to me as well that only added to it. With a lot of struggle and being physically ill (i was not aware of my AvPD just yet) I managed to get a degree in college. Though, eventually I could not keep a job because of fears and anxiety wich led to physical illness and distress. And the hilarious part is, my brother turned out fine, even though he's still mildly dissabled (mentally). He has a good job, owns his own house and everything. While I am stuck. And since recently I talked about my AvPD with my parents and my mother suspects she might have AvPD or at least a mild form of it as well. In my family depressing feelings are quite common and most of my mothers side take anti depressants. So genetics are there as well. I also maybe, had an epiphany, that the fact that my brother turned out okay, and apparently I do not have to take care of him, I don't have the feeling of "purpose" regarding jobs anymore. Because everything I was thought about why I needed a job, turned out not to be relevant. (And this was mostly constructed by myself, because my parents only ever told me I needed to take care of my brother, not that I needed a good job to do so, that was all just me). So besides anxiety and physicall distress, I also find it hard to feel the emotional and physical need to have a job for myself. But I think I'm deviating from the point I was trying to make about hte root of my avpd. But all in all, I would call this depiction the tip of the iceberg. (edit: oh and thanks for sharing your story.
Thank you for sharing your story. It helps me a lot personally to hear your perspectives because most of what you explained made a lot of sense to me. Please continue to make vids about your therapy process!
I am very impressed by your efforts and this very good video! It helping me understand a guy I used to like who has been avoidant. I see how your parents have made life very hard for you in almost every way except materially. They have been caught up in themselves. They are alcoholics. I am glad you avoid alcohol. Your parents are stuck at a younger age and have very little or no self awareness which is common with untreated addicts. I hope what I wrote has not been hurtful. Yes I think they have tried to get their emotional needs met through you kids and that is not right. If you work with a really good therapist you can start to feel some more and more hope. I will check your other videos. I am so proud of all the work you have done! You definitely deserved praise growing up and I see what precipitated your suffering in their blatant failure to parent you from any foundation of self awareness and maturity. I am so sorry this happened. I am trained in psychotherapy and also know depression and these types of family interactions very well. I wish you the very best. Both of your parents had no right to demand the various things they demanded of you. They could not get any needs met with each other so they turned to you kids and that is not acceptable. You needed nurturing and a safe place. I'm so sorry.
Thank you for sharing, Jake. A lot of people, myself included, can definitely relate to this. Your video, which you articulated beautifully, will likely help others to not feel alone with this. Wishing you all the best.
dear jake, your story is heartbreaking. i'm sorry your parents abused you- emotionally, with guilt, a sense of disappointment, never being proud of you or showing you the way. your mom doesn't DESERVE a hug so don't feel bad about not wanting to hug her. she guilts you for your love. find others that will appreciate you and not torment you. leave them behind and i hope you can grow, blossom, and heal.
I hope you find a good psychologist to help and maybe starting medications can help. I do, it does help even though I did not want to at the start. Getting CBT will help you. The guy I dated also had perfectionist tendencies and I think he had a similar life experience, but I feel it is hard to get passed the anxiety without therapy. I really cared about the guy, but he pushes me away. His mom was similar to your mom too. Your parents seemed emotionally immature. My mother was for sure.
Sounds to me like as a kid you learned to judge yourself by your parents standards and blame yourself for your parent's unhappiness - both these things are not your fault and are perfectly normal for kids to do. Unfortunately it has led to you now feeling bad about yourself because you are still judging yourself harshly and still blaming yourself for not being good enough. None of this is your fault and I have struggled with the same issues. When we are kids we don't know any better but when we become adults and have a better understanding of life we can re-evaluate. I asked myself as an adult - objectively speaking - am I defective as a person? The answer came back no I asked myself as an adult - objectively speaking - am I really responsible for others happiness? The answer came back no I asked myself as an adult - objectively speaking - are other people really that concerned about me that they pay me much heed when I am going about my day to day business? The answer came back no - because they are mostly concerned with themselves. So I then asked myself - Given your answers why then do do you continue to regard think about yourself as defective, less than, inferior? and why do you care what others think of you? And the answer came back because I feel insecure about myself. And that's when I began to address my core issue - feelings of insecurity in myself and I bagan to learn to talk to myself in a far more compassionate, encouraging, supportive and constructive manner. However you think, however you feel these are the objective FACTS: You are as good as anyone, you are as of much value as you choose to give yourself and other people are mostly too concerned with themselves and their own lives to care or pay us that much attention. Now given these facts I have to let go of the self judgement and the concept that other people are concerned with me. Insecurity has caused me to look in to the metaphorical mirror and ask myself too many times what is wrong with me? Answer came back NOTHING.
I really appreciate you, thank you for sharing your story!! ❤ You’re such a beautiful soul!! I’d recommend reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle it’s a wonderful book 📕
Sounds like the archetypal case of helicopter parenting. I had the exact same issue. My parents constantly spied on everything I did on the computer and it became quite sophisticated and wildly intrusive when I found ways to get around parental controls lol. Also I was inculcated into the mentality that if you don't get a literal 4.0 GPA and go to a top 25 school that you will die alone homeless on the street. This all made me insanely anxious and avoidant. Still am, though it's not as bad. I guess it's genetic or specific to me, because i know all the other kids at my super competitive high school were told similar things but most of them turned out better than I did lol. Some people just emotionally and psychologically react differently to that kind of stimulus
Thanks for sharing your story. Can I ask, you seem quite knowledgeable on your own history, as if you have processed it in therapy. Are you still experiencing these AvPD symptoms as much, assuming you've processed your story? Does the anxiety/depression not subside?
You would think it would help! It's always been a pretty illogical feeling to still deal with anxiety in spite of understanding why it's there, that it has nothing to do with what's actually currently happening, etc. Unfortunately things are still pretty rough at the moment. Things that shouldn't feel bad still just do.
@@JakeAvPD sorry to hear man. I think part of the journey is uncovering it and then acceptance may be a separate process that you haven't fully finished. Plus, life is always tough. Even when we know ourselves truly. I appreciate you being so vocal about your experience. I can relate. Even though AvPD isn't my beast, my OCD is a similar struggle. I'm sure things will fall into place for us both at some point 🫶
I'm 25 minutes in, it sounds like your parental influence of both parents has built up a false World that you were 'raised' up in, which was negative and causing you to withdraw. I think I had a similar shaping of my view of the World from peers in primary and high school.
Jake. People who like role playing and metal music and doesn't like hugging tend to have neurodiverse traits. I would bet you have other diagnosis beyond this AvPD. Anxiety for sure. I also noticed your childhood experience is very much from an observer's perspective rather than a lot of agency or proactive behavior from yourself. Like there isn't a lot of talk about how you were doing something and were thwarted, but more like you are just reacting to life. I think these traits are probably driving your personality disorder. I hope you can get help for these traits on top of your personality issues. Hopefully working through both of these will help you get beyond the major AvPD. The one thing to remember is that your past doesn't dictate your present or future. This is how holocaust survivors moved forward in their life. They had to remember but also move forward with a new thinking pattern. You can create new thought patterns for yourself. You are a good communicator, much better than others, so it seems like it's more of an internal thought pattern issue that needs to be overcome to be less avoidant.
Have you ever used tiktok.. It's hard to describe how my parents traumatized me when these younger people, Gen Z'ers are opening up about their absolutely horrific stories on this app called tiktok.. Like things you can't even imagine.. "oh you had a narcissistic father and a mother with OCD? Well my mother unalived herself after killing my sister.. I'm still thriving, I got a husband and a career.." yea makes me feel even worse about myself.. Like maybe I am just a 34 year old baby, worthless and can't get a man? Way too freaking sensitive? Or maybe these people turned into psychopaths with no emotions and are able to function even after all that horrific stuff? I just don't get it. I still cry over my grandfather dying in 1999.. Yea I know, it was forever ago. I still think about 9/11, I was 12 at the time. Seeing it all unfold on live TV. I don't understand how everyone else was able to shake it off like "who cares, yea people were paralyzed with fear and lost their loved ones but life goes on.." what drugs are these people on, orrr.. Like I already mentioned are they.. Robots..? Psychopaths? I can imagine not crying every day.. but the things I've seen and heard.. How.. How am I supposed to complain about my past even though it was FAR from ideal.. Verbal abuse, silent treatment, even physical abuse that took many forms... Nobody gives a crap because I'm sure their story is even worse. And yes the word itself "complain".. I guess I don't have the right, who wants to hang with a complainer? I should be happy about the smallest things in life like "yay at least my legs sort of work, yay, I get to drink coffee in the morning.." the bar has been set so low.
I'm familiar with TikTok, but don't use it. Most social media is not very good for mental health. Truthfully, everyone handles difficult things that happen to them very differently. Some people appear to handle them more easily, and that might be true for them, or it might just be how they present themselves outwardly. Either way, it's really not helpful to compare ourselves to others so much, since we're each different people. It's kind of impossible not to do that, especially for those of us that feel like we're falling behind everyone else, which is why I try to minimize the time I spend on social media. Everyone's individual experience and suffering does matter; it shouldn't need to be compared to anyone else's. Easier said than done, but I think interacting with people on a personal, more empathetic level (even if online), rather than just in the "content consumption" manner that social media incentivizes, is the best way to maintain an empathy with your own problems and spend less energy thinking comparatively. Talking to people through this channel, and spending less time reading random shit on Reddit, have both been helpful for me in that regard.
I can really only speak from my own experience, so I'm not sure. I personally feel that it's fairly uncommon for people to have a good understanding of both their own personality, as well as the other sorts of personalities there are in the world. I think that results in many people being unprepared to handle potential obstacles in relationships - between each parent, and also between the parents and their kids - which can result in parenting becoming super stressful guesswork.
@@JakeAvPD You mean that most people lack self-awareness and understanding of other people and therefore can't handle long-term relationships in healthy ways.
You are aware of your avpd but have you ever thought that your parents may have similar issues that may have caused whatever you recall of your youth ? Im saying this because a lot of young people blame the imperfection of their parents without realizing that they are human beings as well, not just parents. Just a thought.
I have ever thought that! I'm certain that they have, like everyone, had issues of their own, which I'm fairly certain I mentioned in this video :) I think if you read the comments on this video alone, you will see that it is not just "young people" who have had these troubling experiences growing up. I imagine someone very near your own age has chimed in. And, I think if you listen to this video, you might observe some behaviors which are hard to excuse as simply imperfections. To share a thought of my own, I think that people who make the decision to become parents should realize the impact which their own behaviors can make on their children. Though people are responsible for themselves, that does not mean that others cannot have had a damaging impact upon them. But, to the end of the former part of that statement, you might like to see many of my other 20+ videos to see that I do indeed try to take quite a lot of personal responsibility :) Cheers!
@@JakeAvPDI'm 44 I'm getting old female from the 🇬🇧 UK. I was called stupid and told I looked a sight every other day as a child. Iv just discovered at 44 my parent always got told he was stupid too by his parents. Can you believe after all these years the truth came out, he projected onto me what he thought he was. It gave me a complex and destroyed my self worth resulting in being treat like shit all my life. He was a perfectionist too. His standards were regimented I could never live up to them I always felt not good enough. A bad person. Still traumatised now at 44. Parents are human and damaged too.
You suffer because you are not being real with yourself. It is dangerous to continue in that road. Be honest with yourself, you dont need to be a people pleaser if that is what you fear/hate to be. I am not saying you should become rude, but be honest. Just natural. Acting against one's own will is self destruction. You gotta think for yourself.
Sorry ,you had a rough childhood know that you are a child of God and you can be good at so much in this world , and there will always be people who will say negative things to you but you believe what you know. I think that God always makes something good out of other people wrong doings to us . Always.
It's a familiar story. Hypercritical parents. Every mistake is punished rather than being a learning experience. Intrusive, controlling behavior. Unpredicable outbursts of anger. Walking on eggshells. My father was normal but conflict-avoidant. My mother has OCPD with paranoid features and was the family terrorist. The good news is I "outgrew" most of my symptoms once I got out of the house and realized the world wasn't like that. I think I was about your age.
I want to encourage you to open up, but also caution you to be careful when getting into a relationship. I think we have a tendency to gravitate towards other "damaged" people. The absolute last thing you need is to get attached to a girl with BPD or other cluster B. It will be fantastic until it isn't anymore and the devalue/discard stage will be particularly devastating to you. I'm speaking from experience here.
Second that experience, still (almost 4 years later) dressing the 3rd degree wounds that brought back EVERY childhood trauma I thought I had learned to cope with. Beware, WE are half that dynamic, and contrary to pop psychology belief, WE unknowingly take actions that invite the "vampire" in by investing too much too soon and ignoring bad behavior (assuming we are the cause or that it's "normal" due to our prior conditioning). Please be careful, if it seems abusive and they disregard attempts to rectify problem behaviors, IT IS abuse - don't walk, RUN away- you can't "love them better" but you can die inside trying.
🙏
Idk you, but you seem like a gentle, sensitive, and very considerate soul, despite your difficulties.
Thank you, that means a lot ☺
what you explain is pretty standard in narcissistic or borderline parents - the child as a mascot, as an extension of themselves, reflection of themselves, not as a separate individual. This also disregards boundaries , since the child is not separate.
you describe my life man. So much similarities. Only one thing so far different - I was good at a lot of the things they wanted me to do. Sounds better than it is. Im 37 now, and I dont really know why I do my stuff, if its from me, or if it is because its what was put into me as valuable things to do. Its the latter. I have no idea what I want to do. I only know some things i dont want to do.
in narc parents, its also normal for the child to take on the responsibility for the parents emotions and behavior, and adapting to make peace, etc. Becoming hyper alert, hyper sensitive. The kid is caretaking the parent, not the other way around. Like it should be ! its bad parenting, its child abuse, and its not our fault ! We are the kids. no guilt. ( no more guilt :P)
you. just. described my life. lol. am 35
same. Narcisstic mom. Had to go no contact last year. It was literally effecting my family and mental health so bad that it was time for her to go.
Love you so much for making this video 🫶 I have AvPD too and you described my behaviour almost to a tee… it feels good to *see* someone else relates instead of just reading theories and case studies on this disorder… I also feel kinda empowered because I have a morbid fear of posting on social media but if you can do it, so can I. Eventually. Wish you all the best in your journey of recovery, you’ve got this 💪
Thank you 😊 And best wishes to you as well 🫂
❤❤❤
@@LorenaBerrenbaum 🤗
I'd never even heard of AvPD until very recently; my therapist luckily recognized the symptoms during my ADHD assessment. It's very comforting to watch your videos and to read all the comments beneath them. It helps to see that you're not the only one struggling. Thank you!
It really does help 🙂
Parents divorced at 4. Completely ignored me. No support system at all. My brother is 6 years older and I believe sociopathic and bullied me constantly. So for me it was having no support system and then sibling abuse.
Thank you for the courage to share this. I can hardly think about my childhood without dissociating, so I try not to now. Coming from a different perspective (schizoid), I’m interested that a commonality between SPD and AVPD is not having people in our lives we feel safe with growing up. Also, both my parents are distant physically and emotionally. I spent much of my early 20s trying to be what I thought of as “normal” and made myself miserable and eventually suicidal. I wish I could figure out what changed in my life apart from just giving up trying to change who I was and make my life better in ways that I could.
It can be hard to know what's changed. For me, I think what's slowly helping is just getting a better understanding of a realistically-attainable life that I can be happy with. I thought for years that I could never be around anyone without feeling terrible. Now I know I thought that because I hate feeling like I'm making anyone uncomfortable, and I felt like I always would, because I thought I was a bad, worthless person - and I thought *that* because I was comparing myself to what I was led to believe others expected me to be. But I am a person worth being around, and I'd like to get to where I can be around (no more than a handful of) people that like me :)
Hey Jake, I do not think people other than us understand how HARD it is to open yourself up for others to learn from like you are doing. I am still trying to get myself to do a 2nd video because of progress I have made. My parents were the opposite of yours. They agreed my dad would raise me, my mother would raise my sister. The abuser of my dad and myself was my grandfather. My father was (based on his behavior) afraid of abusing me like his father did to him without understanding that leaving me with my grandparrents during summers meant I got treated the same way. As a result, all I knew was that my dad never spent time with me. My grandfather was someone who took his anger out on anyone within range. So I learned how to hide in plain sight. I was never left with them after around 7 then ADHD kicked in in 6th grade and took over driving the negative feedback loop; embarrassment, hide, do something embarrassing, hide deeper. All I knew was isolation and not understanding how to fit it like everyone else. In your case and mine, I think the cycle could have been broken if anyone had recognized the negative cycle we both lived in. The lesson from both of us for parents is how important positive feedback and encouragement is to children and how much damage parents do t0 kids when they are put in the middle between fueding parents.
I completely agree, David. And, while you know I absolutely understand how hard it is to open up (every video is still a struggle!), I really do hope you are able to do another video sometime. Your first video was awesome and is extremely important-there are so few people talking about AvPD in general, but especially in your generation, and it's extremely valuable to spread our understanding. I've been so glad to read about the progress you're making, and I'd love to hear more in a video as well, when you feel ready!
It is interesting about how AVPD is fed by putdowns and denegrating. My daughters and I have started a weekly video call to work on our relationships. I mentioned how part of my problem was that as hard as I tried, raising the kids was one crisis after another (multiple personality disorder, bi-polar, ADHD, suicide, my ex put them in the middle like your parents did to you) When she did, I did not see them for 8 years so they would not have to take sides. When I told them that it all felt like one big failure. my youngest said "but you did a lot of good too." I cannot remember anyone every telling me I had done a good job at anything before.
Thank you for sharing Jake. I can relate, while not identical there is emotional needs that children require in order to function properly, especially if they have troubles that aren't being seen or recognized. With parents that aren't solely focused on the childrens well being, and their own individuality as a child it can be hard. My parents were similar, an emotionally narcissistic and negative mother to comfort while getting no comfort in return while always feeling like an inconvenience, and a distant father who didnt really teach me anything, and expects me to metamorphose into an adult and my own life. They never taught discipline, boundaries, goals, forgiveness, growth, affection, love, and patience. They tried in their own way, but in a sense it just led me to fall deeper into avpd through neglect and isolation as it was my only solace. It's ironic cause my dads a teacher, and my mom works taking care of the mentally disabled, and yet here I am flawed lol.
Its difficult cause no one is taught how to be a parent, or how to not see through our own eyes to actually know our effects on others or what they actually need. I have difficulty driving too, especially merging on the highway when its crowded, took me two years to get the license and lots of pushing from my dad. I still live with my parents, and they are still the same, but I have to learn how to fix and love myself because hoping or waiting for them to know what to do will never come. I am grateful for my parents, theyre pretty open-minded and really nice people, and now they're trying to get me into therapy. But part of me feels like that is just pushing away the emotional burden/responsibility onto others to deal with for some reason. I think its cause I wish they would've 'fixed' me, and ultimately I never want to be a burden to anyone.
I hope you do give therapy a chance, if you think it could be helpful. At the end of the day, like you said, it's on us to fix and love ourselves, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't talk to others that have dealt with similar things (whether personally or, in the case of therapists, with other patients) and get some idea how to do it. We aren't just burdens :)
I find so many similarities between how you grew up to how I was growing up. With the chores - it’s similar to a T…with the added bonus of them complaining about us and other relatives that we were “lazy”. I have a particular memory of even my grandfather an mom laughing at me on the way I was swiping with the broom without mom ever explaining to me how it’s done..I must of been 11-12 years old. All of the things cummulated resulted in me even now being insecure about anything I do - always afraid somebody is going to point out something wrong I do, even if I do nothing.
I also had a traumatic experience while learning how to drive as my driving instructor this time kept suggesting or saying I am not “talented” at driving and was even almost yelling at me. I’ve been observing also I don’t have a distributive attention as much…so I am afraid of making a mistake and hurting someone. This resulted in me not driving for years even if I took my exam and have a driving’s licence.
P.S.: I want to read your book.
I still barely drive as well, and can really only manage what I have to because I'm in a rural area. Not a huge fan of where I live, but probably won't ever move far because I need the familiarity.
It's awesome that you're interested in my book :) I'm hoping to have an update, as far as publishing, around the new year.
They were abusive to their children. Some people shouldn't have children...
Very well explained, Jake. Good insights. I would like to recommend to everyone the books of Lindsay Gibson PsyD about emotionally immature parents. These books offer great insight and support I find. I wish you and everyone healing, selfcompassion and selfworth.
Thank you :)
Hey Jake. I also have AvPD , and your videos have helped me remember a lot of the shit that I also dealt with as a kid... shit that I didn't even realize were potential causes for my own AvPD, so thank you.
One thing in your video stuck out to me. That you don't want to blame your parents and you don't want them to feel guilty. I just wanted to say that you can absolutely blame your parents. The thing is, you can blame them while also understanding that they were doing the best they could. The blame, and the understanding/forgiveness, can both exist at the same time. I'm saying this here because it really helped me to not internalize the blame onto myself by, which, in turn, helped be work through some shame. Allowing myself to blame my parents also gave me the opportunity to work through my anger and resentment, which ultimately helped me feel closer to my dad because now we understand each other better.
Anyway, whether you agree with this or not, or if that's something you deal with, I'm glad that you seem to have come a long way on your journey to understanding yourself which I find very inspiring. Once again, thank you!
That's a great point. I definitely agree. Saying I don't want to blame them was definitely an oversimplification of how I feel about it, since I had a lot going on in my head while recording this video. People really can hurt each other mentally, even or perhaps especially our parents, and it's important to recognize when that's happened, so that you're able to let it go, and forgive them and yourself. Thanks, Carter :)
Thanks for sharing your story. I've a similar experience from childhood. My parents used to fight and there was a lot of jealousy. They didn't hit me or something but I feel neglected. I never saw my parents hugging or even speak in a good manner. Whenever anyone showed up at home I was tensed about what was going to happen. I have a AVPD diagnose and for me it feels kind of a relief that someone could listen to me at last and tell me what could be wrong and why I always felt alone. I used to play with my toys and almost never played together with any other kids. I appreciate you talking about your childhood because it gives me something to relate to. Sad to hear about what you've been going through but good that you can talk about it. Take care.
🫂 Sorry you had to go through the same sorts of things. Thank you for sharing, and for the kind words. Best wishes :)
I am probably having AvPD and I think it was caused by my father and sister having serious narcissistic tendencies. So showing my emotions was never safe, it was used against me. I am grateful I am not alone going through this diagnosis. I really do appreciate you opening up, you are a brave man, and I applaud you how well you can think about all of your childhood. You are so brave, I am not sure if you even know. Thanks for your video
🫂
Hey Jake
Thank you for sharing. My mom was hypercritical and I am social, but I have a lower self-esteem. Recently, I dated a guy that might have AvPD, and it he was withdrawing, he was pretty critical of me and not close to his parents. He is 49 and I am 38. He had lost his mom. He told me his mom and dad were similar to yours. His dad didnt show emotions and he is now like his father. I am pretty emotional, and it didn’t work out because he was withdrawing, but I care about him so much. I wish it would work out.
I'm sorry to hear it went that way with him. It really does take a lot of determination to get past so much insecurity and learn how to express yourself, more or less for the first time, as an adult. Unfortunately, there's not much anyone else can do to make it happen for a person in that situation (though like you said, a therapist can certainly be a good starting point).
Cover narc???
I really like these videos. You are such a sweet and intelligent person with so much to offer.
Thank you, Mel :)
Your videos are so helpful. You are such an intelligent and articulate person. I grew up with parents that argued a lot with my mother throwing objects at walls. I always felt that there was something wrong with me and couldn’t connect with others. I would keep people so far away from me so that it would be less chance of getting hurt. Not socializing eventually led to depression and anxiety. You are definitely helping a lot of people. I hope you can get a handle with this because you have your whole life ahead of you!
Thank you, Christina. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with similar experiences. I'm pretty proud of how I'm improving so far. I hope things are better for you these days as well!
Thanks for this video, Jake. I really resonate with your words & I respect the courage it takes to organize all these thoughts cohesively (hardly a "rambling mess"!) Various experiences you shared like taking on parents' hobbies to have positive attention & bonding, being guarded about your interests, & worrying about people's perception of you in order to be around them -- were all great reminders of things I still need to work through even if it's painful.
I follow this great account Dr. LePera, the holistic psychologist, who writes helpful thought reframes & coping strategies -- if anyone here is interested in having positive reminders / affirmation to continue healing.
Thank you :)
thank you for being here
☺
It was really hard listening to your story as most of it was similar to mine. I was diagnosed with AvPD earlier just year, but just now looking into what it is. Your videos have helped me understand it a lot. Thank you!
I'm really happy I could help :)
I have anxiety along with dependent personality disorder with avoidant features and it hasn't been easy at all. But I've learned ways to cope with it as I've gotten older. My childhood wasnt the greatest either. But both my parents have made up for all that. Just know you are valued you matter and no matter what you are a good person deserving of love. I feel your pain.
Thank you! Fingers crossed for happier days ahead for all of us :)
My dad taught me in the parking lot by the football field. You can try there. You really have to go to therapy to deprogram your parents negative things they said because it won’t go away, and you might start behaving like your parents too unintentionally. They didn’t support you enough to build a self-esteem.
My parents would also argue and fight and I would cry like you said too, so I went through some of what you did. My mom fought me also, similar to you… choking etc.
Thank you!!! You are making a difference in this world! Just by being YOU! Thank you for sharing too! I’m trying to understand an avoidant ex. I’m wishing everyone true love! (Not the guilt manipulation kind!)
Peace to you! Persevere! You’re doing great!
Your dad sounds exactly like my dad , all aboout legacy we are property to them ; he’s most likey a psychopath or narcissist , they didn’t care , everytime they showd us affection was an act
This has definitely helped me to heal, just listening to someone else talk about their experience. Thank you, so much!
Thanks Todd, I'm happy to hear that :)
Thank you sooo much bro - an extremely emotionally draining part of avpd, that has to be verbalized.... You Did It!!!! Super proud of you.. 🎉🎉❤😊
Thank you ♥
My dad is a psychopath my mom is a narcissist my brother is a covert narcissist, these are 3 worst possible disorders , and most likely every person with avpd has similar parents , but we all have rose colored glasses so it’s very very very hard to see , I urge everyone to move out , cut off contact asap if possible
Wise words
you are so lovable. Just so you know. Sorry all that has made you feel that way. On my job when someone praises me I can't wait to get off the phone with them because there is a feeling that I am sure to disappoint.
Thank you, hearing that really means more to me than I can say ☺
Thank you for relating your history. I am very glad to hear that you are healing even though as you say it is very slow.
Are we siblings? because you sound like you are describing my parents. Anyways, I´m sorry you have to deal with this shit. Currently, I have zero contact with both my parents and haven´t spoken to them in the last two-almost-three years, and I am not planning to do so anytime soon. My dad told me something along the lines of I was acting like they were dead the last time I spoke to him, to which I replied that I was just giving them the kind of relationship you sowed with me, nothing less, nothing more. I honestly think there is something very fucked up about the fact that they refuse to acknowledge the damage they have caused. They just justify themselves by saying they did the best they could, but of course, they didn´t. They did the easy thing to do, which was not bothering themselves with their own children, and now they expect us (me and my sister) to be the bigger person and just move on from what happened. But I refuse.
Cutting them off from my life is the best choice I have ever made. I have never experienced so much inner peace as now that I don´t have them in my life.
I´m not gonna lie and say I don´t occasionally hear that relentless inner critic which has my parent's voice, but now I just ignore it and tell myself that I don't ever have to deal with them again.
I´m not going to suggest you do the same, but if you can consider it, your life can change for the better by a lot.
It's a struggle, because I really believe my parents think they did the best they could have been expected to, given their own emotional situations, but when you make the decision to have a kid or three, you kinda have to step it up no matter what. I'm so glad you're feeling better now; we deserve to. I'm focusing on figuring out my living situation for now. I'm hoping it will be easier to decide what's best once I manage to be on my own for a while. Thank you :)
@@JakeAvPD yeah my parents say the same. I think it’s their own coping mechanism to avoid taking accountability and face their shitty choices or behavior tho.
Like, mine tell me to grow up (to get over trauma, for them it’s not an issue)
But even if you don’t know anything about kids, i feel like some things are no brainers, like… don’t abuse your children, don’t abuse your power over them, yes you have to teach them basic life skills, yes they need constant attention, no, babies are not cute toys, no, your children don’t owe you anything… and like you said, your kids will have their own life and it won’t revolve around you.
@@SagrarioTarot I totally agree, and unfortunately I know my parents don't entirely (they've specifically told me there's some things they do think I owe them, just because they brought me into existence). I try to just ignore it, because I know they had their own difficulties growing up that warped their views, but there's definitely a point at which I need to draw a line.
@@JakeAvPD yeah but you know? No one forced them to be parents, they made that choice on their own.
You don’t owe anything to them and the fact they tell you that is toxic asf.
That’s why i cut mine off my life. Like they don’t get to ruin my mental health and walk away without consequences. Like there’s no way in hell.
Parents can put us on guilt trips its part of them avoiding responsibility for there neglect abuse mind games bad parenting. There selfish. I cut off from my mother for years and felt no guilt or regret and felt I could be the real me. When I got older I realised after intense CBT Therapy that my parents were damaged flawed fucked up individuals and i ended up feeling sorry for them. I had a shit childhood and it ruined my life. Iv spent 30 years crying every other week. Parents can manipulate us and we can forgive we can become codependant on them like Stockholm syndrome please look this up. We end up loving our abusers. Iv felt guilt for almost 35 years. Its my parents guilt they projected onto me. @@JakeAvPD
I grew up like this, and mostly have AvPD also. I have come a long way since I was your age. Best of luck to you!
I have a boyfriend who is avoidant. I have studied how avoidance affects relationships. It helped me to understand him. I think you are awesome. Thank you for sharing!
That's really cool, thank you :)
Very well thought out. I'm sorry to hear that you were given a bad start to life. I agree that the intention for having children has a strong bearing on outcome. I think we've been wired to not rock the boat, so we can become understanding as to how they emotionally neglected us. My take is to balance off our understanding with accountability. If we hold ourselves accountable for mistakes then we should hold others to it to whatever degree is sensible. But we need ti extend our understanding towards ourselves too. Both can seem contrary to each other but they perfectly compliment eachother. I hope that made sense 😅
Thanks for sharing. Maybe you should consider making more Videos if you found the outlet useful. You didn't ramble but rambling is easy when cameras are such good listeners! You're appreciated!
Ah, I just noticed that you've posted again recently 🙂 Great.
Dang. I wish I could give you a hug! I watched the whole thing. You are so similar to my friend, and have given so much insight into what they must be going through. You weren't rambling at all! Very clear and well spoken, the detail is helpful to understand. Thank you for sharing. 🙂
OMG, you are so highly self reflective and honest and aware. Thank you so much! Concerning the thoughts of ones own life and ending it...I think, it is a kind of self destructive but self preservational tactic of the subconcious. We all have ancestor wounds and they usually run deep within the families. So before someone tries to heal, this kind of "reaction" kicks in in order to "protect" the family lies. Just a thought but it helped me a lot to understand this when it came up in my life.
Thank you Evi 😊
Similar but not similar for me. Although I do felt especially my father being criticizing about my "academics" they never really pushed me to be better. However since I have a brother with special needs, they always put my needs aside. Telling me and themselves that I would not need attention and that everything would be okay with me. While my brother needed special attention and most likely his adult life would be problematic, hence they told me as a little kid that when I grew up, I would need to take care of my brother. In hindsight this was some kind of neglect, wich could be categorized as emotional abuse. Besides that my brother was very jealous of me and therefore acted out abusively towards me on an emotional level (mostly with words, and denigrating behaviour). My parents where not able to handle his behaviour so they thought me to just take the blows and try to think of it as nothing. Both this and the believe I was strong because they expected me to be strong, I always felt the need to be very good at school and college, raising the bar and pushing myself to get good grades because I needed to take care of my brother eventually so always felt I needed to have a good paying job.
This was somehow the seed for me that was planted in developing AvPD. Some other traumatic experiences like being bullied in high school and later some other abusive things happened to me as well that only added to it. With a lot of struggle and being physically ill (i was not aware of my AvPD just yet) I managed to get a degree in college. Though, eventually I could not keep a job because of fears and anxiety wich led to physical illness and distress.
And the hilarious part is, my brother turned out fine, even though he's still mildly dissabled (mentally). He has a good job, owns his own house and everything. While I am stuck. And since recently I talked about my AvPD with my parents and my mother suspects she might have AvPD or at least a mild form of it as well. In my family depressing feelings are quite common and most of my mothers side take anti depressants. So genetics are there as well.
I also maybe, had an epiphany, that the fact that my brother turned out okay, and apparently I do not have to take care of him, I don't have the feeling of "purpose" regarding jobs anymore. Because everything I was thought about why I needed a job, turned out not to be relevant. (And this was mostly constructed by myself, because my parents only ever told me I needed to take care of my brother, not that I needed a good job to do so, that was all just me). So besides anxiety and physicall distress, I also find it hard to feel the emotional and physical need to have a job for myself.
But I think I'm deviating from the point I was trying to make about hte root of my avpd. But all in all, I would call this depiction the tip of the iceberg.
(edit: oh and thanks for sharing your story.
Thank you for sharing your story. It helps me a lot personally to hear your perspectives because most of what you explained made a lot of sense to me.
Please continue to make vids about your therapy process!
Thank you, I'm glad it's helpful :) I will definitely be making some more videos in the near future!
I really feel sorry for you to have to go through that in ur childhood.Life is never easy so,stay strong ❤
Thank you :)
I am very impressed by your efforts and this very good video! It helping me understand a guy I used to like who has been avoidant.
I see how your parents have made life very hard for you in almost every way except materially. They have been caught up in themselves. They are alcoholics. I am glad you avoid alcohol. Your parents are stuck at a younger age and have very little or no self awareness which is common with untreated addicts.
I hope what I wrote has not been hurtful. Yes I think they have tried to get their emotional needs met through you kids and that is not right. If you work with a really good therapist you can start to feel some more and more hope. I will check your other videos. I am so proud of all the work you have done! You definitely deserved praise growing up and I see what precipitated your suffering in their blatant failure to parent you from any foundation of self awareness and maturity. I am so sorry this happened. I am trained in psychotherapy and also know depression and these types of family interactions very well. I wish you the very best. Both of your parents had no right to demand the various things they demanded of you. They could not get any needs met with each other so they turned to you kids and that is not acceptable. You needed nurturing and a safe place. I'm so sorry.
Thank you for sharing, Jake. A lot of people, myself included, can definitely relate to this. Your video, which you articulated beautifully, will likely help others to not feel alone with this. Wishing you all the best.
Anything i do will neber be enough even if i try my hardest somehow there always always always something i do wrong even if its the right choice...
Me too. Thank you for sharing 🙏
Wow thank you for sharing. You are so eloquent.
Thank you ☺
Thank you so much for sharing ❤
❤️
Thank you so much for sharing ,you beautiful and brave soul 💚🕊️♥️
❤
I’d love to see a video on the AVPD subtypes please x
I'll try to do that sometime soon :)
dear jake, your story is heartbreaking. i'm sorry your parents abused you- emotionally, with guilt, a sense of disappointment, never being proud of you or showing you the way. your mom doesn't DESERVE a hug so don't feel bad about not wanting to hug her. she guilts you for your love. find others that will appreciate you and not torment you. leave them behind and i hope you can grow, blossom, and heal.
Its seems you are talking about my childhood
Thank you for sharing with us. Very helpful thank you 🙏
I hope you find a good psychologist to help and maybe starting medications can help. I do, it does help even though I did not want to at the start. Getting CBT will help you.
The guy I dated also had perfectionist tendencies and I think he had a similar life experience, but I feel it is hard to get passed the anxiety without therapy. I really cared about the guy, but he pushes me away. His mom was similar to your mom too. Your parents seemed emotionally immature. My mother was for sure.
I can relate my house growing up it was like living in a really nice hotel
where every now and then the owners would loose their shit with you.
I love this analogy haha
narc parents destroy their kids
I have this what the hell am I gong to do? I'm scared my life will just pass me by
There's definitely not an easy answer that I've been able to find. I will continue to look for a good solution :) I hope you can too 🫂
Thanks bro! I respect you and i wish we can do any projects together 😊
☺
Sounds to me like as a kid you learned to judge yourself by your parents standards and blame yourself for your parent's unhappiness - both these things are not your fault and are perfectly normal for kids to do. Unfortunately it has led to you now feeling bad about yourself because you are still judging yourself harshly and still blaming yourself for not being good enough.
None of this is your fault and I have struggled with the same issues.
When we are kids we don't know any better but when we become adults and have a better understanding of life we can re-evaluate.
I asked myself as an adult - objectively speaking - am I defective as a person?
The answer came back no
I asked myself as an adult - objectively speaking - am I really responsible for others happiness?
The answer came back no
I asked myself as an adult - objectively speaking - are other people really that concerned about me that they pay me much heed when I am going about my day to day business?
The answer came back no - because they are mostly concerned with themselves.
So I then asked myself - Given your answers why then do do you continue to regard think about yourself as defective, less than, inferior? and why do you care what others think of you?
And the answer came back because I feel insecure about myself.
And that's when I began to address my core issue - feelings of insecurity in myself and I bagan to learn to talk to myself in a far more compassionate, encouraging, supportive and constructive manner.
However you think, however you feel these are the objective FACTS:
You are as good as anyone, you are as of much value as you choose to give yourself and
other people are mostly too concerned with themselves and their own lives to care or pay us that much attention.
Now given these facts I have to let go of the self judgement and the concept that other people are concerned with me.
Insecurity has caused me to look in to the metaphorical mirror and ask myself too many times what is wrong with me?
Answer came back NOTHING.
I really appreciate you, thank you for sharing your story!! ❤
You’re such a beautiful soul!!
I’d recommend reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle it’s a wonderful book 📕
Thank you :)
Sounds like the archetypal case of helicopter parenting. I had the exact same issue. My parents constantly spied on everything I did on the computer and it became quite sophisticated and wildly intrusive when I found ways to get around parental controls lol.
Also I was inculcated into the mentality that if you don't get a literal 4.0 GPA and go to a top 25 school that you will die alone homeless on the street.
This all made me insanely anxious and avoidant. Still am, though it's not as bad.
I guess it's genetic or specific to me, because i know all the other kids at my super competitive high school were told similar things but most of them turned out better than I did lol. Some people just emotionally and psychologically react differently to that kind of stimulus
Thanks for sharing your story. Can I ask, you seem quite knowledgeable on your own history, as if you have processed it in therapy. Are you still experiencing these AvPD symptoms as much, assuming you've processed your story? Does the anxiety/depression not subside?
You would think it would help! It's always been a pretty illogical feeling to still deal with anxiety in spite of understanding why it's there, that it has nothing to do with what's actually currently happening, etc. Unfortunately things are still pretty rough at the moment. Things that shouldn't feel bad still just do.
@@JakeAvPD sorry to hear man. I think part of the journey is uncovering it and then acceptance may be a separate process that you haven't fully finished. Plus, life is always tough. Even when we know ourselves truly. I appreciate you being so vocal about your experience. I can relate. Even though AvPD isn't my beast, my OCD is a similar struggle. I'm sure things will fall into place for us both at some point 🫶
I'm 25 minutes in, it sounds like your parental influence of both parents has built up a false World that you were 'raised' up in, which was negative and causing you to withdraw. I think I had a similar shaping of my view of the World from peers in primary and high school.
My parents sheltered me and are amazing but I still came out slightly different
#1 cause of avoidant personality disorder: You never developed the ability to enjoy the flavor of Bullshit
😅
Jake. People who like role playing and metal music and doesn't like hugging tend to have neurodiverse traits. I would bet you have other diagnosis beyond this AvPD. Anxiety for sure. I also noticed your childhood experience is very much from an observer's perspective rather than a lot of agency or proactive behavior from yourself. Like there isn't a lot of talk about how you were doing something and were thwarted, but more like you are just reacting to life. I think these traits are probably driving your personality disorder. I hope you can get help for these traits on top of your personality issues. Hopefully working through both of these will help you get beyond the major AvPD. The one thing to remember is that your past doesn't dictate your present or future. This is how holocaust survivors moved forward in their life. They had to remember but also move forward with a new thinking pattern. You can create new thought patterns for yourself. You are a good communicator, much better than others, so it seems like it's more of an internal thought pattern issue that needs to be overcome to be less avoidant.
Have you ever used tiktok.. It's hard to describe how my parents traumatized me when these younger people, Gen Z'ers are opening up about their absolutely horrific stories on this app called tiktok.. Like things you can't even imagine.. "oh you had a narcissistic father and a mother with OCD? Well my mother unalived herself after killing my sister.. I'm still thriving, I got a husband and a career.." yea makes me feel even worse about myself.. Like maybe I am just a 34 year old baby, worthless and can't get a man? Way too freaking sensitive? Or maybe these people turned into psychopaths with no emotions and are able to function even after all that horrific stuff? I just don't get it. I still cry over my grandfather dying in 1999.. Yea I know, it was forever ago. I still think about 9/11, I was 12 at the time. Seeing it all unfold on live TV. I don't understand how everyone else was able to shake it off like "who cares, yea people were paralyzed with fear and lost their loved ones but life goes on.." what drugs are these people on, orrr.. Like I already mentioned are they.. Robots..? Psychopaths? I can imagine not crying every day.. but the things I've seen and heard.. How.. How am I supposed to complain about my past even though it was FAR from ideal.. Verbal abuse, silent treatment, even physical abuse that took many forms... Nobody gives a crap because I'm sure their story is even worse. And yes the word itself "complain".. I guess I don't have the right, who wants to hang with a complainer? I should be happy about the smallest things in life like "yay at least my legs sort of work, yay, I get to drink coffee in the morning.." the bar has been set so low.
I'm familiar with TikTok, but don't use it. Most social media is not very good for mental health. Truthfully, everyone handles difficult things that happen to them very differently. Some people appear to handle them more easily, and that might be true for them, or it might just be how they present themselves outwardly. Either way, it's really not helpful to compare ourselves to others so much, since we're each different people. It's kind of impossible not to do that, especially for those of us that feel like we're falling behind everyone else, which is why I try to minimize the time I spend on social media. Everyone's individual experience and suffering does matter; it shouldn't need to be compared to anyone else's. Easier said than done, but I think interacting with people on a personal, more empathetic level (even if online), rather than just in the "content consumption" manner that social media incentivizes, is the best way to maintain an empathy with your own problems and spend less energy thinking comparatively. Talking to people through this channel, and spending less time reading random shit on Reddit, have both been helpful for me in that regard.
You sound bloody great I.think exactly the same as you 😊
I just have a question about how common this type of parenting is?
I can really only speak from my own experience, so I'm not sure. I personally feel that it's fairly uncommon for people to have a good understanding of both their own personality, as well as the other sorts of personalities there are in the world. I think that results in many people being unprepared to handle potential obstacles in relationships - between each parent, and also between the parents and their kids - which can result in parenting becoming super stressful guesswork.
@@JakeAvPD You mean that most people lack self-awareness and understanding of other people and therefore can't handle long-term relationships in healthy ways.
@@thisisntallowed9560 Pretty much, yeah.
fear of rejection runs deep in me.....is this a part of social anxiety / avpd?
It's a very big part of AvPD for sure. Definitely sucks.
Literally me
I know those baskets 🐴🤙🏽
You are aware of your avpd but have you ever thought that your parents may have similar issues that may have caused whatever you recall of your youth ? Im saying this because a lot of young people blame the imperfection of their parents without realizing that they are human beings as well, not just parents. Just a thought.
I have ever thought that! I'm certain that they have, like everyone, had issues of their own, which I'm fairly certain I mentioned in this video :) I think if you read the comments on this video alone, you will see that it is not just "young people" who have had these troubling experiences growing up. I imagine someone very near your own age has chimed in. And, I think if you listen to this video, you might observe some behaviors which are hard to excuse as simply imperfections. To share a thought of my own, I think that people who make the decision to become parents should realize the impact which their own behaviors can make on their children. Though people are responsible for themselves, that does not mean that others cannot have had a damaging impact upon them. But, to the end of the former part of that statement, you might like to see many of my other 20+ videos to see that I do indeed try to take quite a lot of personal responsibility :) Cheers!
@@JakeAvPDI'm 44 I'm getting old female from the 🇬🇧 UK. I was called stupid and told I looked a sight every other day as a child. Iv just discovered at 44 my parent always got told he was stupid too by his parents. Can you believe after all these years the truth came out, he projected onto me what he thought he was. It gave me a complex and destroyed my self worth resulting in being treat like shit all my life. He was a perfectionist too. His standards were regimented I could never live up to them I always felt not good enough. A bad person. Still traumatised now at 44. Parents are human and damaged too.
so your mother treated like you were being a lousy husband 🫡
You suffer because you are not being real with yourself. It is dangerous to continue in that road. Be honest with yourself, you dont need to be a people pleaser if that is what you fear/hate to be. I am not saying you should become rude, but be honest. Just natural. Acting against one's own will is self destruction. You gotta think for yourself.
Sorry ,you had a rough childhood know that you are a child of God and you can be good at so much in this world , and there will always be people who will say negative things to you but you believe what you know. I think that God always makes something good out of other people wrong doings to us . Always.
Can't hear anyting..😓
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