E16: How Do the Unfaithful Invalidate the Betrayed's Feelings?
Вставка
- Опубліковано 14 жов 2024
- Maybe you've said this before or had it said to you, but it's a common yet problematic statement for couples trying to heal from the devastation of infidelity or addiction: "I feel like I'm never heard OR that my feelings are always minimized or just plain invalidated." We unfaithful have this masterful ability to quite often minimize or completely invalidate our partner's feelings, leaving them feeling both hopeless and helpless for a better future or healed relationship. The truth is, sometimes we don't even know that we're doing it. If you grew up like myself, 'fighting was a form of communication' but I had to learn that not all families communicate the way mine did. Perhaps you too grew up the same way? Or maybe you grew up in a family where no one talked about their feelings and just found a way to move forward, keeping their feelings and emotions to themselves, only to feel unseen and unheard wondering why now, their partners emotions and feelings are scary if not terrifying? Sometimes as unfaithful we just don't get it and quite honestly, some times we don't want to get it. Emotions, feelings, pain, anger and the like can be scary to us unfaithful and we have no clue how our actions not only alienate the betrayed but further traumatize them. The good news is, today we share practical ways to identify not only when we are invalidating our betrayed's feelings but also just how we are doing this invalidating. We'll go a step further and actually translate some very statements we all have used as unfaithful and what they really mean to the betrayed. Today's conversation is like always, a very direct, no nonsense yet compassionate discussion that's sure to help both the unfaithful and the betrayed.
#infidelity #hopeforhealing #affairrecovery #affairs #betrayal #betrayaltrauma #ptsd #cptsd #samshealingpodcast #addictionrecovery
Our Website: www.AskTheUnfa...
Contact us: AskTheUnfaithful@gmail.com
Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com
Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: / @samshealingpodcast
Follow James at LinkedIn: / james-annear-lmhc-7045...
Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) Facebook: / corerelationshiprecovery
The unfaithful partner, can handle their emotions just fine, if they can take anger, shame, and turn it in to justifications to become entitled, then they can handle the betrayeds feelings. If they felt entitled enough to give themselves permission to cheat, which required the ability to make their partner the bad guy, then it’s an issue of what they have trained their subconscious mind to believe about their partner. So just like with being able to justify their actions and give them selves permission to cheat by making the partner the bad guy. any interaction with their partner will set off the neurological path ways that they have spent tons of time strengthening. If the betrayed does or says anything that triggers any negative emotions, then off it goes following the same path ways, with the same thoughts, justifications, and entitlement. Only instead of suppressing any physical reaction, that is then released while cheating, it’s now directed outwardly towards their betrayed partner. They dismiss, and diminish the betrayeds emotions because they are still acting out their self assigned entitlement over their partner.
Shockingly insightful, nothing even close to this on all of yt. This is a great body of work you have here, ty ❤
I’m out of line when I point out the truth of what’s happening. I’m told I am out of line. So what is the unfaithful? Being safe is huge and the unfaithful I’m dealing with is the furthest from, hasn’t done any work. Is seeing a therapist, but sadly same story as so many, no change. Therapy is for him, no therapy for us. I’m meant to be scared because I said something out of line but is actually just truth. And if this lack of safety is done to me it will also happen with our children, not in the same way but it still happens. Not heard at all, I am just the problem.
In addition, instead of saying these things, the opposite has been said but everything avoided, danced around because we are now separated. That disconnection has just encouraged more of the same and for it to grow.
Unfortunately , because he doesn’t care. This is extremely common. It wasn’t a mistake, he chose to cheat just as my ex-husband did.
“Is it always going to be like this”? My response was-you had 9!years I know of, to play your texting games with her, I get at least that long. But you can leave anytime you want. I already figure you left part of me during this time so if you want to play games with someone else fine, you’re free to go. Did he leave? No, he (his personality is not leaving security). Do I want him to stay, doesn’t matter. I’ve become stronger these last few years and am prepared if he stays to try and make it better or deal with myself alone in my house. I realized that if I was single, met him, liked him and then found out he did to his wife, what he has done to me, I would run the other way. Now What do I do with that kind of feeling?
My example….I already told you everything. There is nothing else. And chooses to not take action on self healing.
@sam @james- thank you for another fantastic video!! Highly informative ❤
so heartening you guys!! really get it
Means a ton to read that. Thank you so much.
All of it you just said it to feel superior because of the emptiness the complete and total hole where a person’s heart should be. They’re good at hiding it aren’t they until a crisis?
My husband's inaction in his own recovery is invalidating. He has been dabbling in recovery for 8 years.
When I try to talk about it with him, He lays back on the couch with his eyes shut while I’m talking to him. Says “are you done yet? “ And that is all he does and says. What is that about?
Sadly, that's about him being in control and deciding what healing looks like. It's painful to read that you are being subjected to that type of treatment.
Work at being an independent girl. 🙏
He doesn’t want to hear about it
We all could write a book about our story. It’s so demonic, that aspect is hidden as so many other things and so much terminology used to skip talking about this aspect. The other woman causing problems is a demonic, deceptive personality and hurt many families at our church. We are just one of her casualties. She is a divorced narcissist, who messed with every married man at church who would give her some space. It shakes my soul that my husband was one of the weak ones in the crowd. Played texting, attention getting, attention giving games with her. There is a Great Wall now fixed between me and him and I can’t or don’t want to get around it. Deception, betrayal is the most evil thing you can ever do to your spouse. I could handle the physical abuse, that would be a quick “get out of here, stay away from me” but this thing, he thinks I should just get over it. No one can see how much damage I have from this. The inside of my soul is hidden but it feel kicked, beaten, shredded, and starts over again every morning.
How about I told you before you found out so I have no other responsibility here what’s your problem?
I understand I’m sorry you feel that way. What if I change it to I’m sorry I made you feel that way? I’m sorry I keep making you feel this way?
meh....watch the video again and use those examples and that insight as it can be more heartfelt and kind, respectively of course.
How about are you ever going to let it go?. Is it going to be like this for 3 more years 5 more years. That was the past.
“That’s in the past” I hear that every time BUT it was the PRESENT babe when you were doing this to me, humiliating me to this person every time you text them. It was the PRESENT when I found out. It is the PRESENT now when my heart is broken.