It's very hard to learn to trust people again or to put yourself out there when you've gone through abuse... But I think your videos are helping people out of their shells again ☀️☀️☀️
I still only come out of my shelf for my genuine best friends......These are hard to find but you will manage....Especcially after healing, I attracted much healthier people.....In my isolationphase only walking in nature and my dog helped me the best way.
@@laneylandis28 New age term to describe when someone cuts all communication and ends a relationship without stating they're leaving or uninterested. Basically, taking the coward's way out.
You can sense when people don’t like you. You can also sense negative and jealous people. Don’t ignore your intuition. Don’t let anyone tell you that your trauma is making you paranoid. You will get yourself into trouble not listening to your gut.
100%. I usually see through people during the first meeting. Had an opportunity to join this group of girlfriends awhile back, seemed like a great bunch, but I just had this bad gut feeling about each of them individually. Then I thought to myself - I always do this, let my trauma stand in the way of getting close to people, let me just go for it this time. Things where great for a while, and then after I had a (minor and completely warranted) outburst about a situation in which they sort of made me feel inferior and unimportant, they flat out froze me out. Again stepping on my own throat, I reached out first and apologized to them for my outburst, heard no apologies in return. We formally made up, but then they passive aggressively froze me out again. Still one of the worst traumas in my adult life. It was basically them telling me they only accepted socially acceptable parts of me, which only reaffirmed my childhood trauma. Never belonged to any group ever since, I basically secluded myself from society and only have two friends from separate circles. Wouldn't even know how to approach groups, let alone try being in them in whatever capacity 🙄
I hear you, our gut feelings should never be ignored. I have known in my guts too many times that the person in front of me was off somehow, but I would talk myself out of this knowing. I would tell myself I am broken, I am unable to really understand people, but that was not true, my guts had told me. Now, more than ever I listen to myself, anyone who tells you to ignore your guts is dangerous. Also, we need to love ourselves and inclusion is ok but not necessary for healing, one good friend is enough. Groups are often dysfunctional, and I keep my circle small. Those who are always surrounded by the group are often unhealthy people. Listen to your guts.@@DisssolvedGirl
Is it being intuitive perhaps? When one has experienced abuse and neglect he or she can usually see it coming. Now I separate abused and neglected people in two different groups, one completely avoids it the other stays and takes it. As for myself, I am one of those who avoids it, given that from my mother I learned that it is better alone that in bad company. This goes deep, very deep, the negligent/abusive parent always teaches the neglected child to separate from others and not to speak out against him or her. This gets me all the times, so there I am considering the options and if I should jump in and than bail out or avoid it to begin with.
Love your advice to the person whose friends are not moving to deal with healing , I'm in a very similar situation, and struggling with the demands placed on me to meet their needs, e.g., long 2 to 3 hour phone conversations. I love them, but am now having to put boundaries in. One is ok with this is the other is reacting badly. We've been friends for over 33 years. She will not arrange to get any counselling for herself. She just wants to dump on me. My health has deteriorated as I've got older and I can't give her the hours of time she demands. I don't answer the phone if I know it's her ,on days I'm unwell and she's not happy about it. I don't want to hurt her but it looks as if that's what is going to happen anyway.
@@karenthompson4943 just please don't give her silent treatment ...it's not charitable and as some one on the receiving end (though I'm the one in therapy, healing etc and she is not). There is a way to be courageous in your life and care, to remember her wounds and not add to them which I'm sure it does. Write a letter, pick up the phone and keep it short with boundaries, but silence is worse than harsh words.
@@jac1161Not true. Jesus answered not His accusers. He was silent like a lamb before slaughter. We are to flee from evil and not keep company with it. By not answering to an abusive or toxic person, you are keeping and guarding your own peace and not casting your pearls before swine. When we are not received or welcomed, we certainly cabin leave without ANY explanation and petition our Lord to guide us in OUR days He grants us.
Large groups are overwhelming and lack intimacy. I prefer one-on-one time with someone because I really want to get to know her. Large groups are superficial and just too much to balance. There is always one person who dominates the interaction and prevents anyone else from being seen.
I was blind and didn’t see how toxic my friends were for 25 years. My “best” friend broke up me and my boyfriend. Went on to sleep with him, and his best friend. Started a smear campaign, skipped out on rent, wrote nasty songs about me and played it for mutual friends. Toxic group. This year, I cut them all off. :) Fast forward I try several church groups and continually have older women degrade and belittle me publicly. For those wounded souls; you’re going to get rejected and possibly be bullied. You can leave. You can find your tribe. I’m still looking but have hope for the future. Keep working on healing that inner child and those rejections stop hurting so much.
Sounds a little bit like my experience in some ways. My ex-best friend since childhood betrayed and abandoned me out of nowhere, and shortly afterwards ditched everyone of the friend group we had after revealing just how toxic he was. Tragically, all that happened following me breaking up with my then-gf and being too devastated to really do anything with anyone. Sorry you had to experience this kind of loss, especially at the hands of a "best friend" who manipulated you into getting what he wanted until getting you out of the picture once you weren't useful to him anymore. Good riddance to trashy people like that, and I hope you find a group more welcoming and with much less toxicity ❤❤❤
My former best friend was literally a horrible person who manipulated everyone around me. I didn't see anything negative in her until I got engaged. She took off her mask and holy crap, what a monster.
@@jeffreyherrera5069 sorry you’ve had to deal with betrayal. It’s a terrible thing and makes it hard to trust anyone. I hope you’re able to find a friend group that is supportive.
I have zero friends from the past. I’m ok with this. These people were toxic people and so was I. When I look back, I wish I had learned healthy boundaries, but I didn’t know. I give myself grace and the people in my past. I forgive them and myself. Do I want to go back “there”? No! I’ve outgrown these friendships. I’m looking for new friends who have similar interests, are healthy and fun. I go to my therapist for the hard stuff…not my friends.
@@chaoswitch1974 i think, for those fortunate to have really close trusted and trustworthy friends, maybe they can lend an ear. For the really, messed up broken stuff that you know friends cant shoulder, therapist. definitely therapist. Can/Is my friend able to hold this burden or is this therapist territory? Am i making my therapist become a friend? if i were John Watson, would i share this with my therapist or with Sherlock Holmes? - kind of thing, i think. 😅
I found out I enjoy gardening, and connect with other nature-empaths in the community garden. (But even there I feel a bit rejected, as I do not have a parcel as big as other gardeners who garden there since 10 years)
I thought I was good with friendships I always had a lot of friends. Until I became ill - long term illness, they all disappeared, as did my older brother who I considered one of my best friends. Never see them at all now
I feel that when I meet new people that I am going seriously out of my way to please them. One example I bought primer and paint for this person who I thought was a friend. I took a day and primed and painted her living room while she sat there and smoked cigarettes hence the reason why I painted her room. She started talking about how hot she was feeling because of the weather so I haul my air conditioner out of my window and bring it over to her house. She would brush me off for months and just show up. Another example met a family thought they were amazing everyone was cheerful and positive. Then the woman would talk about how her husband was treating her. He would talk about how lazy she was and didn't want to work etc... I felt I had to take sides. It turned negative because once I took sides they unified which is typical. Never, never get in the middle of a marriage.
Thank you for validation! Holy crap, my soul would leave my body and I felt like I was floating above the bed while getting raped by babysitters. I have also floated so far into outer space once and saw my silver string!
I’m done people pleasing or apologizing for who I am. Take me or leave me. I’m secure in myself and am cultivating a love relationship with myself. ❤🎉😊
We are to be pleasers of God, not man. We are to love and forgive others but we are instructed by God’s Word to walk with the wise and that those who keep company with fools suffers much harm. Be wise and follow Jesus Christ, alone!
Losing my mother at age 5, being bullied in junior high, abused by my husband, and still being bullied by even strangers. I am like the weak one in the pack. Everyone can sense it and the bullies let me know it. I am 75 years old. I cannot change the bullies but I can change how I react to them.
I guess something in your unconsciously attracted abusive people , is like me every time I dicied to have a close friend , ending being a nightmare and a Narcissistic . So something inside make us search for this people
1:34:54 sometimes the person isn’t doing anything wrong, but at the same time, we aren’t getting what we need. There isn’t always a bad guy or a wrong party. You can be right, they can be right, but you can be wrong for each other.
I have always had the problem where I jump in too quickly, before I get to really know these people and then have to extricate myself out of what often turns out to be, a toxic dynamic.
I have done that, too. It took me a long time to realize that is backwards. But I can't figure out how to connect without risking. The really weird thing is that I am beginning not to need connection as much as I once did. Maybe I'm finally healing.
Can absolutely relate. Any "friendship" that quickly got off the ground, too much intimate talk etc ended with a big bang after months. I realized that the friendships I have that are longterm and based on healthy ground, grew very slowly. It has become an alarm system for me when I connect too quickly. Like I recently did with a new colleague. She invited me over to her house for dinner. So far, quite nice, but the later the evening the creepier it became. She stepped over my boundaries, gave me multiple advice without me even asking, compared her story with mine, I told too many too private things, she even showed me how to hug people correctly. She's an alcoholic, did therapy for many years, was sexually abused as a child, doesn't know how to handle money, is always in debts etc. I am glad that I notice and respect my alarm system earlier than I did in the past. Still, there is work to do for me. I need to observe more and talk less. Now 2 days after that dinner I still feel I have to shake off this terrible energy.
This was great information. People around me 99% were co-workers wanted to be included, but brought NOTHING to the group, never wanted to put any money into anything or help plan, it was always me that supplied everything, I walked away from all of them, I found them to be nothing more than users. Anybody else see a lot of co-workers are users? I am happier being alone.
Yes I can relate. But not just co-works but from nearly everyone I’ve had relationships with. I call them “takers” and emotional vampires. I’ve learned that I tend to be a “fixer”, giver, and people pleaser. It was how I was conditioned to deal with my toxic mother. Setting boundaries takes practice. I’m still not there because when people start talking about their problems I immediately want to help and nurture. Need to practice restraint, listen without overly giving and focusing all attention onto them.
P Slay, It’s good to be strong enough not to depend on others. I feel better with just a few good friends then those who are around for what you bring to the party. Quality over quantity for sure.
I think it depends where you work. I moved from Flint Michigan and moved to Minnesota, I can say I’ve never met so many kind and nice people, I haven’t met anyone that’s used me and I work in a Grocery store in Flint and in Minnesota, huge difference in coworkers.
healing is essential - because I had that mentality too, until I learned that this turns us into self fulfilling learn helplessness and a form of narcissistic victimhood. I 'get it,' I do. And one of my favorite 'friends,' just added to my wounds....devastated but she had enough. Just didn't;t know how to say it :(
I don’t know Anna, I’ve had a lifetime of forced & active engagement - overcoming my desire to isolate. Now retired and definitely “getting weird.” Torn between forcing myself to stay at least on the edges of community & fake normalcy or finally become that crazy old lady on 50 acres with a pack of dogs and a shotgun. 😂😂😂
Sometimes “weird” is better! Every time I’ve forced myself to socialize it backfires. I now have come to realize that it backfires when I’m in an unhappy place, which is not doing what I love. When I’m happy I tend to have a better experience with people. I think if you pursue your dreams and look forward to each day, the right people will come to you.
I'm that crazy old chicken lady on 30 acres. I was so friendly to everyone I met when I moved here but being an older single woman I apparently was a magnet to the married male narcissists. They've behaved badly so I put a lock on my gate and went into hermit mode.
Same here, well a combination of loving yet unpredictable parents who would criticize me for being "too sensitive", I felt so alone. Now when part of group I can't stop talking...it's so off-putting and I wish I could stop. I don't know why I keep doing it.
@@Nikitaxo24 I am so sorry. People throw out 'everyone is bullied' because, in general, kids aren't always nice. But the constant picking at/bullying is very different than someone just being mean here and there. When you have to walk into a space and have that bully pick you out of a crowd and make everyone laugh at you...yeah, that is not normal..and only happens to a small number of targeted people. People have a hard time understanding what they haven't actually walked through. My mom was similar to yours - however, she would say 'be strong - pay no mind' until I stopped telling her...basically, stuffing feelings. The combination created some solid CPTSD. Sending love. ♥
You're literally a life saving boat channel on UA-cam and the value of what you do and in the way you do it (no pushing, no trying to sell s**t all the time, no fake online character, etc) feels so refreshing and healing. A huge thank you all the way from Brazil from a struggling Spirit.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I literally shout with joy when you have lengthy videos out. Only because your lengthy videos make me feel like my mum or an aunt is teaching me life lessons - something I never had my entire life. I had to scrounge for information and figure out wrong from right. My whole life, I was confused, whether something was right or wrong. Only after I found your channel, I found confidence in my decisions. I can never repay you. Anna you are an angel. You are literally a fairy and doing God’s work. You have changed my life. Thank you
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I agree with O, and want to add I value your insight and wisdom. I may be wrong, but I think I remember you don't have a degree in psychology or counseling? Yet your counsel is far more accurate than any licensed psychologist I've ever seen or known. You're solidly in the center of your gifting!
Included but accepted for who I am. And I feel like I have to work extra hard to seem normal around people and can’t relax until I go home because who I am isn’t a personality that people accept. So instead I mimic who I’m around which is exhausting. Socializing is exhausting.
Carla’s letter made me tear up because I feel her loneliness and pain. I’m 70 and am certain it’s too late for me to correct the damage done. I do appreciate the understanding I’ve gained via your videos. ❤
Wow I am not alone in the craziness. It seems like we are attracted to people who will take advantage of us. Who has no problem brushing off the friendship.
I’m 52 and I have zero friends.. I’m very friendly and social if I have to be but I cannot form lasting friendships or relationships. I ghost people especially if I feel not seen or heard. I’m divorced three times, have been no contact with family for two decades and I just have given up on humans
The pandemic allowed me to experience being alone without judgement from myself or others. It was freeing. I have a few people in my life that I enjoy seeing, but mostly I would prefer to be by myself. I'm 72 and single. I have been married twice and in a serious relationship without marriage. There were benefits to those relationships, but there were more problems than pluses. I've had many friendships through the years. Almost all of them have died or moved away. I still miss some of my closer friends, but those are relationships that could not be replaced. I did try. I'm fine with that now. Your advice is usually really good, but not so much on this point. As we get older, we don't have the need for other people that we once had. It's not that we completely lose the need for others, but it significantly diminishes. That's normal and needs to be addressed. Older people will naturally lose their friends and family members to death and relocation. Visiting becomes more difficult. We don't need to be shamed or told we need to want more contact. Maybe we need more support to be happy as we are. So far, this is the best part of my life. I wish the same for you.
I agree! I’m 70 and still working. Not much time during work to get to know co-workers which is fine with me because I don’t care for many of them due to what I do know. I’m guilty of isolating (something my mother did), but when I think of the people I know there aren’t many I actually want to be around anymore. I am friendly, outgoing, easy to smile/laugh but I just don’t need to be friends.
I agree, though I am 57. I read a book on those who prefer solitude and honesty, I am a lot less stressed having less contact with people. I am also an introvert and have just enough contact and do seek out other ways to connect, but I don't feel the need as much as I am told I should. The book on solitude said it simply is not true that people who spend more time alone are less healthy.
56 and echoing the same sentiment. I don't mind having the occasional visit with friends, but I am not interested in just filling my time with people, unless they are the right people. Perhaps due to trauma it just takes too much from me. I am better with social contact than in the past, but I'm also okay with a volume of alone time. To me, allways needing to be with people is also not healthy...well it wouldn't be for this introvert!
I'm happy to hear that you are enjoying life. That part of the video struck a nerve with me. I worry about my 67 year old mother who is becoming more forgetful after recently moving out on her own.
"When we think that we know what is best for another person, that he is just being dumb and not seeing the obvious, what that is called is arrogance." Well said.
I am finding I am outgrowing some of my friends as I work more on emotional regulation and functioning better in the day-to-day. I am beginning to see that the things I thought I wanted out of friendships, are not what I really desire as much anymore. This puts me in a position to want to connect with different people and I am taking a shot at it more often.
I am really struggling. I went from having a large community (many unwell addicted people) to being completely isolated. My father abandoned me at childbirth and has again abandoned me after 10 years of solid building. My mother was sick a lot of my childhood and had an emotionally and verbally abusive, sometimes physical, fiancé from my ages of 8-18. I always knew I was traumatized by these things but as my mental health has seen some scary extremes over the last few years I have really started to understand the severity of the damage my parents caused me. I have always had friends, sexual partners, big social groups, but it’s almost as if as soon as I started to see my problem that’s when people started to back away. The last couple years have been a tangle of addiction, while also trying to evolve in my mental health at the same time. It’s been not so fruitful as you could imagine. I have finally in the last 6 months really begun to hack my chemical codependencies and have essentially removed all the toxic ties.. But this leaves me alone. I used to work in hospitality but now I work from home so I spend a lot of time by myself, and now that I don’t drink or party I am sort of at a loss for how to meet new friends. No exaggeration but in the last year I have lost about 15 important relationships to me…all when I was doing my best to get better.. People just can’t understand the depth of my pain. It feels like every subtle breeze is an assault. I’m triggered by everything. Everything you say is spot on for me. I am doing well in my life, I’m working a serious job and I’m doing well, I have a car and my own apartment and I finally can set goals. I am in therapy, I meditate and I have picked up running again. But there are so many hours in the day. And the pain of feeling like nobody can see me, and that nobody wants to..it just envelops me. I don’t deserve this and I don’t know how to escape. I appreciate you so greatly for doing this work because you are helping me understand. I’ll continue to watch. Love to everyone, especially those who feel the same way I do.
Maybe it would help to recognize this is just a short phase of your recovery? It sounds to me like your desire "to be seen" by others could be an escape from feeling the pain of your childhood. But the one your inner child REALLY wants to be seen by is you... your "inner adult." Maybe it would help to journal with your left hand (non-dominant) as if you, the adult, were the child therapist who is listening to the rambling stories of the child. Let her write anything she wants without analyzing it. Kids do that... ramble on and on with non-sensical chatter or convoluted stories, and what they need is the sense an adult is listening to them. If you listen to her, I bet it will greatly reduce your feelings of loneliness or emptiness, even if in reality you're in your apartment alone at the time. It worked for me, anyhow :-)
That’s how I’ve come to feel too! Groups exhaust and annoy me. I like to pursue and isolate (not in a negative way lol 😂) people I see as compatible and willing. I then try to cultivate one on one relationships. I don’t know if that’s the right way, but it’s how I am. Group stuff is sometimes fun but phew I’d rather just be with one person with whom I can focus on getting to know, get close to, and share my true self.
Oh to have had the teachings from the Crappy Childhood Fairy for free by UA-cam when I was struggling at 20 years of age with relationships in the 1980s!!! 30 years later I am finally understanding where my life went so wrong with all my friendships!!! Thank you Anna for your amazing wise videos Love you💕 xxx
OHHHH girl - me too! I would have realized that my 80's actions were ALL based from my chronic verbal abuse n physical terrorizing by my much older brother. But - we're here NOW, abd thsts a GREAT THING! Like Anna sez " our PAST trauma is an injury; it's NOT our identity"! Amen to that! Hugs 😊
Me too...sad that I spent a lifetime picking people just like mommy and daddy...and retraumatizing myself for 59 yrs. So much of the shitty behavior is a long-term comfortable bad habit! !😐 Don't even know what a health relationship looks like!!
Me getting out going to the store , gas station, post office is all the interaction I need with people. I’ve done the groups, they are not for me. I am happier now because I am in control of who I am around.
I love your metaphor of not going after a friendship like "a bee to pollen" . That made me smile because in the past I have had people try to befriend me in this way and that is what it felt like ,so I dismissed them. Because of CPTSD I felt like they were too needy and it triggered me and reminded me of just how needy I was as a child ,and I didn't like that reminder. Also you've answered my longtime question I've had on why co workers seemed to betray me by remaining aloof and distant , then creating untruths about me. Because of CPTSD I must have came across to them as "flat" and self centered because I didn't ask them about themselves . I didn't ask them because that would mean an investment would then be required of me to maintain a relationship with them ,when I had no idea even how to go about it ,and unsure if I even wanted to take the risk. They could abandon me if I did! This makes sense to me now. Thank you.
This is the exact scenario I am living through at work right now, had someone tell a flat out lie about me to a "higher up" that -if it would be believed- would have caused me to lose my job. I was angry and shocked because I don't talk to anyone at work. I do my work and have headphones in all day, then at the end I go home. I am pleasant to whomever starts a conversation with me and just want to be left alone. It baffled me what would cause someone to do that to me when I don't believe I've ever done anything to deserve it.
@@0mfgeezeI experience the same thing. It so frustrating because we're literally just trying to make a living! It's this certain obligation or...entitlement people have to our personal lives that throws me off.
I didn't ask people about themselves because I didn't was to return the favor. I could do OK not talking to students in school because everyone had to be there. But at an optional party, I was frozen and treeified. And weird and everyone hated me.
I think sometimes it's really hard to not give people the silent treatment. 😕 The thought alone of communicating with someone who has hurt me sometimes is just to painful to bear. I'm 53 years old, but inside I still feel like a teenager, it's my deteriorating body that reminds me I'm a middle aged person.😔
I feel the EXACT SAME WAY!!!! 😢 I am a couple years behind you in age and was just saying to my mother than part of me still feels like that angst teenager that I was. It sucks but I am slowly healing...all of us can❤
Yeah I became super isolated over time but its because I realized that I never fit in because I was already weird and I got tired of revictimizing myself everytime I tried to join a group or "fit in" I've never been "normal" I've never "fit in" and there is a lot of peace that comes with acceptance and not trying anymore. I enjoy solo hobbies and my own company. I am just inundated with pain at this point from relationships and I am not looking to tip the scales any further. This is a new boundary.
Personally I get triggered by groups because they bring out the worst in people. Mob mentality, singling out people who somehow stick out and don't conform to treat like crap. I despise herd mentality and feel like non-traumatized happy people tend to be very prejudiced and judgemental, also intellectually lazy - they don't bother to really THINK about what they say/do. I was bullied for somehow being "different" since kindergarten and as an adult I avoid groups. I feel sad that nearly everyone just wants to do small talk and not really get to know others. I left the last group I was a part of (a choir, which in fact I had even co-founded) because there was a lot of manipulation, victim blaming (concealed as "social justice") and so much stupidity that I couldn't stand it anymore. I was also made to feel invisible (another big trigger for me) and got no credit for my contributions. I could tell a lot of people disliked me without knowing anything about me because I have "weird and dark vibes". Also, nobody ever shows interest in getting to know me despite me ACTIVELY approaching them for a conversation. Now, I only trust other traumatized people who are determined to be healthy. People who have never felt decades of the worst pain are too superficial/shallow for me to feel happy around them, and they seem like little children with their Pollyanna outlook on life. I prefer to hang out with individuals, not groups. I never feel like a genuine part of communities consisting of "normal" people , but I have found "my kind of people" based on shared values and morals, which also are a result of experience. That's much better imo than just trying to be a part of just any group.
Exactly!!! Groups are often dysfunctional. There have times I felt left out, then upon further observation I realized I was better off, safer for sure as the group dynamics were bizarre, and I felt relief for being outside of the drama. Mob mentality. Yikes. No thanks.
Trust your guts! Sounds like you have had more than your share of challenges in finding a place to live. I hear you, it is brutal out there, so many suffering from dysfunctional behaviours, I feel a small circle is best for most, and groups are usually the worst of human behaviour on display, mob mentality and all of that. Having a good friend is wonderful but sometimes we find ourselves alone due to circumstances, such as moving, and that is when we really need to hold on to ourselves, and be our own best friend for a little while. I was shamed by a narc parent for apparently not having enough friends, it is an ugly thing to say to someone. Also anyone telling you NOT to trust your guts should be avoided at all costs. That is the most cruel suggestion and it is what abusers tell you.@gaston.
Could be that you aren’t truly interested in “that” group. Youmight try starting a hobby of your passion. I.e. your passion could be target practice with bow and arrow and you are joining a group of sewing or painting. Try starting alone perhaps going to the range to practice and meet others or the sport shop to find equipment and ask questions like where to go to practice or a class. Baby steps, build up you.
I have found that "groups" of full of insecure people who find their identity IN that group. I was never welcomed in a group as a child, nor as adult. I never fit in anywhere, despite being friendly, warm, joyful and my self -- that's all that had to happen I guess. It's good in many ways. It's also hard to be an extrovert (hard wired) but emotionally seek introversion because people are mostly unhealed and very emotionally immature.
40 yrs ago, I ran into the same situation with a friend in high school and I learned a lifelong lesson. She was partying, drugs, seeing jerks, and she wasn't even happy. I suggested she hang around with other people (me) and not long after she dropped me as a friend and continued to see the jerks. I found out later through other friends that she had regretted the path she took. I'm not sure what happened, but I suspect she got a lot of attention from acting out and actually liked it. Despite her complaints, I was interfering with her "vibe" and she probably felt ashamed around me because I was judgmental. She liked the drama until it left her destitute. Now, I was absolutely right that she shouldn't have hung around those people, but that doesn't mean she should be required to hang around me either. People have the right to make their own mistakes and it's generally a bad idea to interfere with that. Now, I just say be careful, but I don't stand in their way.
You did nothing wrong. Friends don't let people just hurt themselves without saying anything. We just have to learn to let them go when they can't receive it.
I have to limit watching your videos to one a week, because actually letting some of these concepts sink in takes a little time for me. I think it's good medicine though. Thank you ❤
When I live by myself, or with a friend-farmer I do not have ruminations. When I sleep next to my partner, who is in his sixties (Because his behaviour is sometimes unpredictable, I really do not sleep well. (In the daytime I enjoy his company though. (He cooks well also!!) The videos bring a lot of clarity. Thank you from Quebec, North-Canada
I had some really nasty experiences during the covid times where people seemed to suddenly turn on me. Ever since then, I keep myself to myself. I have tried to make friends, but I find people seem so strange lately, somebody will be my friend one minute then totally disappear the next. I would like to have friends again, but I would prefer to be alone than keep getting hurt by people.
I think a lot of us have had that experience. I had to cut out some extended family for a while because my immediate family and I refused to get the vaxsine. I'm still really unstrusting of people because of it.
I really love that Anna does NOT stop telling the truth because people complain or don't like it. So many elements of life have become phony and weak because these days we are not allowed to challenge one another or tell the truth AT ALL. The fragile has tried to rule the day. But there are those of us who do not mind the swift boot! Thank you Anna for offering it. As Jesus says "He who has ears let him hear". (Matthew 11:15)
This is totally for me. I moved to Dallas from NY by myself during the pandemic. I became awkward, bitter, and a people hater. And clingy to those I actually liked. However, now I’m working on getting out and making real connection.
Never had a problem making friends. Yet, unfortunately is hard to find people who are on the same page, and some folks can't be trusted and are just haters, so I have to be very careful and selective who I open up to, cuz I got screwed over way too many times when I was too friendly and open. And Of course, there are levels of friendships. I have close friends and acquaintances, so I limit the information I give to certain people. Like I said, I know tons of people, yet I'm only close to few. And yes, isolation is not good. Is about having a good balance of different levels of friendships. Be friendly but keep your boundaries well established.
It is not always about what you're doing. Sometimes groups just don't want you in there, or don't want you on healthy terms (e.g. you're only "welcome" if you buy stuff or plan events, etc.) Not everything can be fixed. Claiming otherwise is gaslighting.
I agree, in fact this makes me angry, and if the group is dysfunctional, what then? blame yourself some more?? this video seems really dangerous to me.
Where did the expectation come from? Did you provide all the parties and then stopped when you realized nobody else was contributing? Genuinely curious.
Groups attract narcissists tho. I really hope Anna reads the comments from folks who share avout how rampant it is. A lot of us got into groups where a covert narc had or got control of the group. It repeats what a lot of us dealt with in childhood. The narc abuse didnt relent, and we left for our own sanity. It was another thing to survive.
I agree, so many groups are highly dysfunctional. to me the best advice you can give to those of us who have had crappy childhoods is to TRUST YOUR OWN INSTINCTS, not tell us we have broken gut instincts, that sounds so much like the toxic messages that narcs gave us. There is nothing wrong with your gut instinct, what is wrong is when we talk ourselves out of listening to those instincts. You cannot break someone's gut instincts but you can severe their connection to their own wisdom. that is what narcs do, especially to children. Yes, belonging is great, but everyone knows that the world is a little shaky right now and it is far from "business as usual". so, I am not a crappy childhood fairy, but I would say, trust your gut, and maybe, just maybe there are a lot of dysfunctional groups, proceed with caution. Also, learn to love your own company, you can live a rich fulfilling life even if alone. Telliing people they can't be happy without other people is almost cruel in my opinion, it certainly sets them up for depression if they "fail" to connect with groups.
@@mitzistone4721 ~ When I was younger, I was happy to be more involved with groups… mostly church and neighbors, but now, between my husband and myself and our children and Grandchildren, we have 26 people and I find that I truly only have the time and energy to take care of myself and my husband and those in my immediate and extended family. Anything else puts me over the edge of sanity! I would love to be able to do more, but I need my own alone time. I’m thankful for the tips and ideas on this website, though… it’s quite difficult to balance everything, isn’t it??? I appreciate reading all of your ideas! Thanks so much!
@@mitzistone4721that's an excellent take on this, thank you for that. I think much of the problem re life long aloneness despite making concerted efforts to no avail is lack of acceptance, yes we've mostly come out of abusive upbringing but we've had to learn to survive alone. What is wrong with embracing that if we are getting older and we still can't find a tribe or even a friend that won't let us down? I want to stop having to feel like a leper and be happy with what God gives me and stop repeating what will never work for many of us. Maybe there's a reason who knows but society makes us feel bad about ourselves and our aloneness when really it has not been our fault from childhood up. People know who they can abuse & I don't want to line up for the next perpetrator
I agree 100%. Solitude is a beautiful state, and not a state everyone is able to enjoy. I am glad I do not depend on others for comfort or company, glaad I can finally provide that for myself and am not interested in being made to feel odd for a gift that is amazing. the gift of self love and the gift of enjoying one's own company. sure, there are times it is nice to be around others, that is normal, but I do NOT need to belong to groups or even spend in them. Thank you for your comment you are spot on in all you say. I hope that you stop feeling bad about your life, and never let anyone make you feel bad about being alone. I hope the same for myself. @@oliveonthebuses1
The gut is the sensor, but not the instance. Gut is allways true, but we schould analyse with our brain und decide with our heart❤ the one who decides with his gut, is lost! Raphael Bonelli
I have friends and family but nobody has time to listen. I’ll call and try but they immediately get on to their own problems and I don’t get another word in. Started a heartfelt conversation with my brother and his wife grabbed the phone and mumbled something and hung it up. Felt kind of rejected. People will call on me when they need, but never reciprocate. So I am used to surviving all crises alone. It seems to be my fate. Rejection is painful. I don’t seek it out any more. We come into this world alone. We go out alone.
Hard relate: it’s about learning to trust again. It’s very very hard to come to terms with why contacts are built on a foundation of sand; a house of cards. That casual dismissal by a sister in law. The way brothers are taken over by selfish hypocritical wives. It’s crushing and soul destroying when a family unit that’s supposed to be safe and supportive, isn’t. Why settle for selfish people who give crumbs. It’s so destructive. Isolate to the extent you need for as long as you need. Access support - do what you can as you can. Wean yourself back perhaps through the church. Flowers? Shop? Volunteer in low key ways and gradually build your trust and confidence bsck. It can take a long time. Be conscious of the things Annie says but trust your judgement. I think Annie would have responded differently to your comment. What you’ve said has been dismissed and undermined however unintentionally. Keep going. Integrate as you can. You will get there. Have faith even when it feels hopeless. There are charities that offer counselling for free. Nurture yourself, heal, recover … then you’ll develop strength to help you re populate your life. It’s more common than you think. Why would you want people who don’t care and are selfish? You deserve more. Read, listen, walk in nature … 🤍🙏🏽
@pettali5007 thank you so much. .I do try to integrate but I can be the "cut and run queen" Too close for comfort is a real thing. Thank you for validating my feelings too. Nice to not be told "you're too sensitive" I need to stop being such a hermit though. Anna is so wise.
This is the experience that so many of us have. Most do not deal with their primal wound so most groups are toxic, finding people who are willing to listen is also difficult. Your thoughts are not wrong, your thoughts are not misplaced due to the trauma you endured, your thoughts are stable and wise. I too trust few, as they most don't deserve it, but I am not completely closed off, the door is open a crack, but I am not going to go seeking friends in some random fashion or a misguided attempt to connect with potentailly unhealthy groups, as most of them are.
I become friends with women and they either turn out to be toxic/mean/abusive/selfish or at the first sign of conflict I get super triggered and decide to never talk to them again. Or I start conflicts over petty reasons and then decide to never talk to them again. It is hard but I’m not losing hope. I love friendship. I actively try to make new friends all the time, by asking girls I work with to hang out. It’s hard because I’m 25 and a lot of people have established friendships and groups, but sometimes I get lucky and get super close to one. It just hasn’t tended to last, yet, because of the reasons I shared.. as always, I’m actively working on my trauma recovery and I know things will improve. At least I have one solid best friend who’s there with me through thick & thin, though she lives a few hours away now, I’m forever grateful I have her.
My last BFF turned on me and viciously attacked me, claiming I "wasn't there for" her, when I literally bent over backwards to accommodate her, despite my having poor health and a full-time job, while she had a husband to support her and help her. I had just gone through a break-up of a 10-yr live-in abusive relationship which left me emotionally exhausted. I'm not proud of how I acted, but I was so crushed by her accusations that I just completely abandoned the friendship. I am pretty close with my adult kids and grandkids, despite distance, but I have been unable to have a close female friend OR a romantic relationship with a man, in the ten years hence. I'm 60 and sick and too damn old to be hurt, over and over again, by people I love and trust.
So often the groups are dysfunctional, finding peace with our own company is a good goal, and being open to love is also good, but looking for acceptance in random groups? why??
I SO appreciate this compilation and the beautiful ways you discuss the content and then speak to those who wrote in to you letters seeking assistannce. Thank you for the compassion, the support and the honesty in you being you and the ways you kindly show and express that in your videos. You speak to people, not at them-you care. We see it, we feel it, it's beautiful and so are you.
This is a good video, and has been something that I have been struggling with. It's nice seeing this being addressed as it is not a popular topic. I want to be social. I want to connect with people. I used to be these things inspite of the trauma of my childhood. It is in the past few years that I find it overwhelming and tiring. I seem to attract the users, abusers, and losers in life. That has made me put up walls and be suspicious of people because people seem to only want to be "my friend" when I can do things for them. I'm finding myself isolating more, and of course being lonely. Sigh.
My true friends are 20-30 years older than me. My favorite patients are elderly. Was I looking for things my mom didn't have? Was I looking for maturity I didn't have? Funny thing is, these older 'friends' actually are very unresolved too.
my third partner, a Canadian, is indeed 16 years older. For the first time, as a pionneer (immigrant generation 0) I feel part of a group, as he has a family of 5 members. However, at our age, we are good friends, companions... (but we will not be close like in TRUE love) as he does tell me so shut up, when I confront him...
It’s so funny I was thinking about this exact topic last night after I had a fight with my close friend and I was so close to throwing everything all away. This morning I also realized I had an issue with being close with co-workers and being part of a work environment group. Thank you for this timely message and to all those who are struggling with long term commitment I pray it gets easier for you and you become stronger through this awareness.
Reading challenging books - Eureka! I read fantasy. Out of a group of a dozen people (all new to me, met at a hotel where I stayed) I met one guy I particular like and trust...He also reads fantasy n Sci-fi. I'm friends with him now. I even told him about my experience with my Crappy Childhood Fairy. He's very supportive and respectful of my desire to be friends only. I've told him bits about my abusive relations and he's been really cool. I took a chance. So far, so good. Thank you CCF😉
So glad you made a new friend! And it's really cool that reading interests brought you together. Thank you for sharing this encouraging "win"! Julie@TeamFairy
I ernjoy in the Myers-Briggs Personality, the people who are .Adventurer or Protector. I wished everybody would wear on their T-shirt their personality type, so that I do not waste time.
Carla you are not too dumb to live. Please give yourself grace, you were in survival mode while others could be themselves in a safe environment for your life. I’m struggling too. You are not alone.
Hi this is something, making true friendships and avoiding triggers, is where I am right now. I hate being an outsider but listening to you will help me. My therapy is taking a lot out of me right now but I gather this is because I'm getting somewhere. Thank you for all your videos, you are very straight forward
They say humans are wired to connect, but like everything else, we exist on more of a bell curve with extremes at either end; introversion doesn't seem so weird to me, any more.
I agree. My brother used to think that it was odd that I would come to parties, be extremely social, and then back off and withdraw into my own world. I felt like I just wasted too much of my energy. However, I really enjoy that right group socializing. It is so fullfilling and so healthy and so healing. We do also have to vibe with the right people. It is also about that. Sometimes it really is about not finding the right match.
when you get burned by people in your group (i.e. substitute family) that you respected and trusted deeply, that is additional trauma and causes one to retreat to the back 80% in the next group...
I know. This has happened to me too. Some of the first people I chose as "family" didn't work out, especially early in my healing process. But with more healing, this gets better too!
Great words, Anna, and very much understood. I have been in the social circles, and I have laughed it up with the best of them. At the end of the day, my solitude brings me the most peace and joy. I give thanks and look forward to the next day.
Such a good reminder about 12 step programs. Everyone is there bc they need to be. I too was idealistic at first and learned the hard way to keep better boundaries!
Great collection! It puts a lot of principles together. It struck me that some of us (OK, me) tends to trust everyone and then get burned almost every time. This leads to avoiding anywhere one might encounter and meet new people. It gets to a point that you expect even good friends to burn you eventually. Not a great way to live. Thanks for putting this together.
@@elipotter369 that part! I've always been somewhat naive, and would assume that people I had dealings with had my scruples and standards. Yikes Experience is a good teacher.
The timing on this is amazing. It's like a sign or something. I literally am about to end a friendship due to bread crumbing and now i'm confused about making other friends because ive always had issues with them. This friendship that i'm ending was a very close friendship but there has been so many issues and ive tried fixing it. They aren't a bad person but they got issues that they need to work out by themselves. My trust is broken and now i'm just confused about letting people back in...
I understand what you mean. People show us by their actions what matters to them. I try to realize I am not the only person in their lives and that I don't know what problems they have that might limit their time. However, after making such allowances, one has to make a decision: am I being treated as if I am important to this person for who I am, not for what I do for them or as placeholder when they can't find anyone else to keep them company. If you have a relationship that matters, the person will listen to you when you need them to listen, BUT they also will come to you when they need someone to listen. In other words, they will let you know who they are. They want to know who you are. Intimacy exists. That is my guideline. We all have to decide what our needs are.
I have a friendship that's dear to me, and came close to ending it several times. She's a tenacious person, thank God! 😅 I'm aware that I'm not an easy person to deal with. But I've been transparent about my issues. And she's learned that sometimes I need space...not because of her, because of me.
@@miapdx503 You have a true gem of a friend. A good friend should be willing to take the good with the bad (as long as the bad isn't disrespectful). Few people are able to do this kind of work.
@@nancybartley4610 I think that is true, to a certain degree. I had a friend who was rude when she would go into her bipolar fits. If rude behavior continues without acknowledgement, a person should end the friendship. Same goes for relatives who don't acknowledge distrespectful behavior.
I’ve never liked groups, and even in smaller friendship groups, I wind up being the one left out. So I just exclude myself a lot of the time through past experience
I could comment on having and being a friend, but it would just run into pages. So sorry so many people have had the same experiences as I. Thank goodness for our Fairy who somehow makes sense of the jumbled mess of life.
My issue isn’t the ability to not socialize but when I learn more about other people, 98 percent of them aren’t nice enough or maybe they’re friendly but a bit dull…I cherish those who are fun and genuinely kind and friendly. They are a rare breed. So part of this need to distance oneself is that you sense fairly quickly that something is off. Unfortunately many people have personal issues. We as humans are very flawed. Their flaws need to compliment our own or be something we can handle.
I am drawn to larger-than-live personalities (who sometimes turn out to be narcisists). Or enjoy free spirited peope (inter-dependence) who bring out the best in me. Do not change me, and just let me be me: a woman with a lot of life-experience and intuition.
Struggling even now I think why bother. Because people will abuse you one way or another. Hence for me being alone I can be happy by myself. This way I focus on my health and well being. So far when I reach out and get rebuffed over and over again its just sad and makes me depressed. Thus I am re-learning what my joy comes from. I don't need to be a part of others to be happy. I'll reclaim my joy. I only have one to Thank and no person on this Earth.
@@g.i.4144 tyvm I believe it's important to reclaim what was ruthlessly and savagely ripped from my soul. I am making the choice to be happy and keep moving forward. Because as long as I don't give up, I'm winning p*ssig off those who want me 6ft under. Gives me plenty to laugh about their discomfort. God bless them. God bless you too. Hugs ♥ 🤗
I agree with you , Ive learnt not to tell people all my personal stuff , they can use it against you if things turn sour. Plus I ve been misguided by others pushing me to make wrong decisions , which have had huge impacts on me financially. I've found that if you be quiet and let people talk you'll find out a lot about them. I've learned the hard way after a lot of interference and theft of valuable irreplaceable family heirlooms . My daughter and I have made a boundary for our safety and peace of mind that no-one comes into our home our safe zone. I hate people telling me what I should do. It makes me feel rebellious. If people hand out unwanted advice and don't even help . Ive struggled with a lot of loss and feelings of deprivation, I do overcompensate by having too much and not letting stuff go. Being overwhelmed and stuck with having too much to do but I'm learning and having peace of mind is so important . I too can be quite content doing my own things like art and gardening .
thank you Anna, I started going to AA meetings because of you and it has helped me allot. You are truly healing people with these videos, thank you so much for your help❤
This is so very complicated. Women are not always fun to be with. They are sometimes really gossipy and can get catty especially if there is a leader that likes to control everyone. It’s hard to navigate this crap. I’m not a beginner and I have always had friends but I am literally done taking shit off of anyone. Like I’m not having it and I will speak-up. Guess people don’t like to be called out.
guy friends/mixed groups. i feel u. hard when some women themselves may have caused u trauma. but i promise theres cool groups who dont center around gossip. unfortunately alot of guy groups gossip and demean people too
@@ckl5801 of course not everyone is like this, thankfully…but it seems like many are. And unfortunately some of the tightest, oldest, and most important relationships you have may not be as solid as you think. I had a very difficult thing happen a few years ago and that became so clear. I kept asking if something was wrong, etc, with a gaslighting response each time only to eventually be verbally ripped apart over something that really shouldn’t have caused so much of a reaction which showed me that my feelings were correct all along. People are complicated. I have my own baggage too. But we’re talking about a 30+ year friendship here that imploded in a matter of seconds. Just 1 example.
I hear you. I think we all saw in the last few years how friendships can dissolve instantly and it has been a mind blowing experience for many of us. The world is not the same, how could it be? Most do not deal with the primal wound so you are dealing with others who are broken but not dealing with it. Trust your gut, you sound like you see clearly. No rose colored glasses looking in the window at dysfunctional groups and wanting to fit in, and then blaming your self when they get petty???? No way, stay grounded as you are, you get it. Many people are nuts, and groups can be so, so toxic. fine if we find an exceptional one, other wise we have a kind of wisdom that others lack and contradictory to the message here, often trauma makes us see what others cant, it does not blind us, it allows us to see.@@naznow
Most of us, in most situations, will decide that it is far more important for others to like us than it is for us to do whatever it takes to like ourselves. In other words, when attachment is chosen, respect and acceptance from others is held in much higher regard than self-respect and self-acceptance pretty much all the time. In both my personal life and in my work with addicted and people-pleasing clients, I have often seen this to be true I like who I am today (most days!) - and even with my imperfections, I enjoy my own company. I now intersperse my alone time with other people who also like themselves, who don’t feel they have to be anything other than who they are in order to feel connected with me. And I believe, without a doubt, that this is a vitally important reason that I’ve been able to make the choice to remain clean and sober for so many years, one (sometimes difficult) day at a time Today, I truly would rather be at home reading a riveting book or watching a favorite TV show than be with people I have to do a dance for in order to be included. Although attachment still matters to me, of course - I’m human, and we are programmed to need that sense of belonging - I no longer believe I have to betray and abandon myself in order to get it. I now have people in my life who love and cherish me just as I am - which is almost as wondrous a gift as being able to love and cherish myself
I am a performing artist. Yet it happens a lot that I work in a group of other performers and feel invisible to the others. Someone shares a story and we all burst with laughter. I share a story, and someone starts talking over me or it goes totally unnoticed and so I go quiet and just sit there, wondering what I should have done different. I don't give up and try again. And it either works or not. And all this time I know that the people around me actually appreciate me and like me as a person. So what goes wrong? What do I do wrong? Will I ever know? Can I ever feel like an 'equal' in a group?
I’m sorry to hear that. Usually there’s always at least one dominant (self unaware) person in a group. And typically people tend to enable them by staying silent and non-confrontational. Is there a way to use humor to be assertive? Like maybe laugh and ask rude person if they think you’re invisible. Keep it light hearted but also call them out on their sh**. Keeping things light hearted shows them you’re not letting it get to you. Some people are bullies and they are stealth in trying to put down or get a rise out of those they consider vulnerable. Find the strength in your voice, it takes practice.
I experience this as well and I’ve actually started to change my response . Formerly when it happened I would try to smile and abandon myself . Now I either walk away or speak up and say”excuse me I was talking “ . It’s awkward and uncomfortable but I’m weary of abandoning myself .
I used to feel awkward speaking in groups, and gradually learned to tell stories in ways people enjoy. It was not easy at fist, but very rewarding and after some years it gave me a way of expressing myself that I never thought possible. Sounds like you are trying, learning and not giving up! For me it took a lot of experimenting, failing, talking to different people and experiencing different things. I started with talking about books, ideas and knowledge from outside of myself then gradually learning to talk about my own experiences and opinions.
I guess it just hasn't been my experience that being accepted is so easy. I've tried to join groups and foster friendships only to be rejected. I honestly don't know why other than to say MOST people are just surface friends and I have zero energy for that. I give way too much to take that from anyone.
Or sometimes the only people that want you are those that can get you to side with them on everything. I don't require that type of conditional approval anymore. I have opinions of my own and I don't have to be anyone's enabler, and in realising that I can check myself more often too.
"I've tried groups and foster friendships only to be rejected" thats exactly why I stopped making friends and even if I do and it didn't last then what the fuck is the point, I'd rather socially isolate myself then be socially rejected if I wanted to make new friends, being socially rejected hurt so much more then socially isolating yourself
I thought I was going to feel a little ashamed of myself while listening, but as you've given some examples of connectedness and showing up for others--I am surprised, but I do some of these things. That's so encouraging!
I still struggle with healthy boundaries, both ways. I also break them unintentionally, for example at moments I make things too personal and it gets awkward. Then I feel ashamed and get disregulated. I used to not get into any group case I couldn't handle all that, hence I'm still a bit 'off and unsociolised'. But I am definitly learning and noticing it too ( more positieve feedback) hopefull for the future. Your video's help immensly! Thank you Anna
Your channel is my absolute favorite. I cannot believe how I’ve just found you. I’m so grateful. I struggle a lot with friendships in my life too. I cut people off so often. I’d rather be alone.
When I moved here, I met all kinds of people and did a lot of entertaining. No one initiated anything back or reciprocated, though they were happy to accept invitations whenever I put something together again. It was very painful. I decided to stop reaching out. Basically, 80% of the people fell away. I decided to only sustain a friendship once I knew the other person would reciprocate. I have had a lot of subtle exploitive "friendships" that were triggering. I needed to stop doing that.
Carla’s story is EXACTLY what I’m going through with my best friend. I’m crying from the advice you’ve given and how perfect the timing is that I watched your video ❤Thank you so much to you and my therapist (of course lol)
Thank you for this. I’m in my early 40s and struggling to maintain friendships. There’s lots of food for thought here and I’m going to see if I can take some small steps to connect (without smothering other people 😬).
Its easier said than done. As a child I was not safe anywhere I went home, school, church. I got bullied, humiliated, and SA in every single one of those places and I had no one I could reach out to which caused me to have selective mutism that I can't break free from to this day. I try to, but I just can't. I don't mind sitting there listening to other people talk and get things off their chest though even if I don't have much to say myself and I will keep what is said confidential always. I would never wish bad things to happen to people even on those that have done bad things to me.
When you can't even find peace in church, that is devastating. 😢 As a child I felt safe in church but as adult that all changed. I was bullied and ostracized, mostly by women. I don't go to church any more because it gives me severe anxiety. But I do still believe in Jesus. I just have church at home.
After being in relationship I was advised (by professionals ) it’s good to be comfortable in your own company. Being a extraverted introvert I soon leant to thrive in my own company - then Covid came and I found it just dreamy to be isolated. So calming and healing
I really have a hard time with the attitude most people seem to have when they say things like, “if someone wants you in their life then they will show it”. I desperately want in my life, more than ever, all the people that I’ve managed to isolate myself from over the last year especially. I don’t WANT this. I don’t enjoy this feeling of loneliness I’ve brought upon myself. It’s just my subconscious gained too much power and runs most the show at the moment. And so my FEARS of abandonment (irrational as I’m consciously aware they are) are more than my PAIN of loneliness. So of the two unwanted feelings, loneliness is the lesser… for now
Thank you SO MUCH for this explanation! I've been getting better over the years because of patience and support from amazing people in my life, but I have still suffered from triggers from perceived exclusion. Because of this video I'm recognizing that I 'uninclude' myself so many times by pulling back when my super sensitivity from my past has created impossible expectations which can't be met. I go blind to where I am included and supported and in those moments I only see the triggering actions and feel the pain from my past. Those triggers can be so minor in comparison to the support, but I hurt in an exaggerated way and suppress the good feelings regarding the support. I hope moving forward I can recognizing when I'm doing this, but I know I need to heal from the past too.
I’m so glad you were straight forward with the person who was telling her friend that she “shouldn’t” take the job and was crossing her personal boundaries.
I am getting hard to include. It’s real; yet isolation has made me less paranoid. More awkward, certainly, and more comfortable in my awkwardness. My one small action is this. Reaching out to people online, I get thumbs ups and ❤. It’s likely not enough, yet it’s enough for now. Others have had enough of me. 😂😢😂
The 'one small step' I'm taking today is actually engaging with this video instead of just sitting back, thinking, "Huh, that sounds like me", then moving on. I've been isolating myself without even realising it for probably 6 years now - I always found people a lot of work and never felt I clicked with them, so I responded to texts less and stopped going to things I was invited to. When everyone talked about how alone and lonely they felt during COVID, but I felt the same as I always did, I knew it was a red flag. I'm still an introvert and I don't 100% get the appeal of interacting for the sake of interacting...but I feel like I'm at a really critical point where turning the ship around and starting to take steps back towards connecting with people is what's going to save me from total and inescapable isolation. I know that's a very possible outcome, and I know I don't want to end up there, so now's the time to start taking steps to make sure that doesn't happen.
You got this! I know how difficult this kind of change can be, but we're all sending you encouragement. If you're interested, Anna offers a course on creating more connected relationships that sounds like a great fit for you, here's a link: bit.ly/CCF_Connection -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you so much for your sweet encouragement! I just joined the membership, so I'm definitely going to check that course out 😊
Hello, I find as I get older my circle of family & friends is getting smaller. I used to be a friendly outgoing person, but now that I'm over 60 most of my family has died (5 siblings have passed on...(most all but one, who was my baby brother) and they were quite a bit older than me. They all were important to me for various reasons. My younger brother was 14 months younger than me & died in an accident over 30 years ago.) Most of my friends were or are still religious, but I turned away from 'religion' about 12 years ago. I have tried to stay friendly, yet they seem unable to accept the changes I made in my life when I left 'religion.' I'm finding myself at a crossroads that is hard to define. Where do I go from here (I ask myself) to be accepted & make new friends? I'll sign, Lost, yet at peace with my Spiritual life.
Oh my gosh- THANK YOOOOU for sharing this!! I have been isolating haaaaaaard the last couple months and I do feel weird. Even going to work makes me feel a little anxious because I feel so myopic!!🤪 It really is true- I get overwhelmed with social pressure but then when people finally stop inviting me I start to feel alone. It’s a balance. I LOVE my alone time but it really is important to remember that people are good. I actually start to feel afraid of people when I spend too much time hiding🫣
This letter from Cecilia reminded me of my mom so much. The part of ok this person didn’t answer a message that was basically questioning the person again in a decision taken, probably because the person felt was jumping a boundary, she uses her pride to convinced herself that is better to let it go than acknowledging openly and apologizing, then to win the person back sends the dog show thing, so “lets continue the relationship like nothing happened, can we both ignore the elephant in the room”. Then at the end, the whole “I told you so” thing, no is not her realization even if she saw it first, her friend took the risk, maybe she still wanted to try and the lesson came from her experience, your opinion is never more valuable than what the person experienced. This letter was a little triggering for me and I would have run from this relationship too.
This has been my experience: When women are talking to me and a few other women they will rarely, if at all make eye contact with me. Also, when I do befriend a woman, and if I show any weakness, like insecurity she will start to treat me different. She'll start belittingling me in small ways, talking down to me in small ways. I don't like women very much. I was verbally abused by my mom and physically abused by my sister. Women can tell when another woman is insecure and will run with it. If they think you won't stand up for yourself they'll come after you with gloves on! I'm learning to defend my self and I've noticed when I do, they have backed down. They are like a wild animal, looking for prey.
My issue is they are confused by my strength and vulnerability...so, they resent me for it, and I think I get punished for it. It seems women like to punish you for being smarter, more authentic, emotional intelligence....if you have all the things inside they don't do well, they see it and try to hurt you for it.... that's why I disagree with her assessment of the first letter. That lady was mad her friend was smart enough to know better. She actually liked things about this person because she shared her dog story, and her words. Please. It's a case of realizing you're not as savvy as the person you resent. That's disturbing to resent someone and then want to learn from them silently.
I woke up and got left on read by a friend after suggesting plans for next week, and I had a meltdown and could not stop crying (I still have tears in my eyes), but this video was the first one to pop up when I went on UA-cam to distract myself or find some relief, and this is exactly what I needed to listen to. I’m only 8 minutes into this video and already you’ve reminded me that it’s so normal for people like us to feel isolated or not included, and that gave me a chance to step back and breathe and remind myself that this person doesn’t hate me, maybe they’re just busy, and I shouldn’t pull away or feel like the world is ending. Today I will focus on myself and what I have to get done, and revisit social planning and hangouts when I feel better (instead of isolating completely, or making my friend feel guilty). ❤❤ thanks again crappy childhood fairy godmother
It's very hard to learn to trust people again or to put yourself out there when you've gone through abuse... But I think your videos are helping people out of their shells again ☀️☀️☀️
😁🌹
I still only come out of my shelf for my genuine best friends......These are hard to find but you will manage....Especcially after healing, I attracted much healthier people.....In my isolationphase only walking in nature and my dog helped me the best way.
😊
What does it mean ‘ghosting’?
@@laneylandis28 New age term to describe when someone cuts all communication and ends a relationship without stating they're leaving or uninterested. Basically, taking the coward's way out.
You can sense when people don’t like you. You can also sense negative and jealous people. Don’t ignore your intuition. Don’t let anyone tell you that your trauma is making you paranoid. You will get yourself into trouble not listening to your gut.
❤ so true ❤
100%. I usually see through people during the first meeting. Had an opportunity to join this group of girlfriends awhile back, seemed like a great bunch, but I just had this bad gut feeling about each of them individually. Then I thought to myself - I always do this, let my trauma stand in the way of getting close to people, let me just go for it this time. Things where great for a while, and then after I had a (minor and completely warranted) outburst about a situation in which they sort of made me feel inferior and unimportant, they flat out froze me out. Again stepping on my own throat, I reached out first and apologized to them for my outburst, heard no apologies in return. We formally made up, but then they passive aggressively froze me out again. Still one of the worst traumas in my adult life. It was basically them telling me they only accepted socially acceptable parts of me, which only reaffirmed my childhood trauma. Never belonged to any group ever since, I basically secluded myself from society and only have two friends from separate circles. Wouldn't even know how to approach groups, let alone try being in them in whatever capacity 🙄
I have a LO that does not like me and with hope and Anna's writing techniques I can get out of this .
I hear you, our gut feelings should never be ignored. I have known in my guts too many times that the person in front of me was off somehow, but I would talk myself out of this knowing. I would tell myself I am broken, I am unable to really understand people, but that was not true, my guts had told me. Now, more than ever I listen to myself, anyone who tells you to ignore your guts is dangerous. Also, we need to love ourselves and inclusion is ok but not necessary for healing, one good friend is enough. Groups are often dysfunctional, and I keep my circle small. Those who are always surrounded by the group are often unhealthy people. Listen to your guts.@@DisssolvedGirl
Is it being intuitive perhaps? When one has experienced abuse and neglect he or she can usually see it coming. Now I separate abused and neglected people in two different groups, one completely avoids it the other stays and takes it.
As for myself, I am one of those who avoids it, given that from my mother I learned that it is better alone that in bad company. This goes deep, very deep, the negligent/abusive parent always teaches the neglected child to separate from others and not to speak out against him or her. This gets me all the times, so there I am considering the options and if I should jump in and than bail out or avoid it to begin with.
Sometimes just showing up at the local coffee shop and saying hello can be enough social contact for me.
I agree.
"if it weren't for the crumbs I'd have nothing". Completely heartbreaking that so many of us are in the same spot. 😢
Yes, it is 😢
Love your advice to the person whose friends are not moving to deal with healing , I'm in a very similar situation, and struggling with the demands placed on me to meet their needs, e.g., long 2 to 3 hour phone conversations. I love them, but am now having to put boundaries in. One is ok with this is the other is reacting badly. We've been friends for over 33 years. She will not arrange to get any counselling for herself. She just wants to dump on me. My health has deteriorated as I've got older and I can't give her the hours of time she demands. I don't answer the phone if I know it's her ,on days I'm unwell and she's not happy about it. I don't want to hurt her but it looks as if that's what is going to happen anyway.
@@karenthompson4943 just please don't give her silent treatment ...it's not charitable and as some one on the receiving end (though I'm the one in therapy, healing etc and she is not). There is a way to be courageous in your life and care, to remember her wounds and not add to them which I'm sure it does. Write a letter, pick up the phone and keep it short with boundaries, but silence is worse than harsh words.
@@jac1161Not true. Jesus answered not His accusers. He was silent like a lamb before slaughter.
We are to flee from evil and not keep company with it. By not answering to an abusive or toxic person, you are keeping and guarding your own peace and not casting your pearls before swine. When we are not received or welcomed, we certainly cabin leave without ANY explanation and petition our Lord to guide us in OUR days He grants us.
I get depressed in big groups of woman. I usually get the hell out of there. Love my own company. I don’t crave friendships.
Large groups are overwhelming and lack intimacy. I prefer one-on-one time with someone because I really want to get to know her. Large groups are superficial and just too much to balance. There is always one person who dominates the interaction and prevents anyone else from being seen.
My opposite experience has been with a group of lesbians. So many thoughtful kind understanding people to meet all at once! i recommend lesbians haha
Same for me.
I do recognize this. I always feel anxious in a group. In a group where i know je people well im ok.
I’m the same way. I prefer my own company.
I was blind and didn’t see how toxic my friends were for 25 years. My “best” friend broke up me and my boyfriend. Went on to sleep with him, and his best friend. Started a smear campaign, skipped out on rent, wrote nasty songs about me and played it for mutual friends. Toxic group. This year, I cut them all off. :)
Fast forward I try several church groups and continually have older women degrade and belittle me publicly.
For those wounded souls; you’re going to get rejected and possibly be bullied. You can leave. You can find your tribe. I’m still looking but have hope for the future. Keep working on healing that inner child and those rejections stop hurting so much.
Sounds a little bit like my experience in some ways. My ex-best friend since childhood betrayed and abandoned me out of nowhere, and shortly afterwards ditched everyone of the friend group we had after revealing just how toxic he was. Tragically, all that happened following me breaking up with my then-gf and being too devastated to really do anything with anyone.
Sorry you had to experience this kind of loss, especially at the hands of a "best friend" who manipulated you into getting what he wanted until getting you out of the picture once you weren't useful to him anymore. Good riddance to trashy people like that, and I hope you find a group more welcoming and with much less toxicity ❤❤❤
And praying for you both to have the chains of trauma broken so you can be free to live your best lives ❤
And heal the inner child so the inner adult can exercise better discernment about people's character before you get involved with them!
My former best friend was literally a horrible person who manipulated everyone around me. I didn't see anything negative in her until I got engaged. She took off her mask and holy crap, what a monster.
@@jeffreyherrera5069 sorry you’ve had to deal with betrayal. It’s a terrible thing and makes it hard to trust anyone. I hope you’re able to find a friend group that is supportive.
I have zero friends from the past. I’m ok with this. These people were toxic people and so was I. When I look back, I wish I had learned healthy boundaries, but I didn’t know. I give myself grace and the people in my past. I forgive them and myself. Do I want to go back “there”? No! I’ve outgrown these friendships. I’m looking for new friends who have similar interests, are healthy and fun. I go to my therapist for the hard stuff…not my friends.
I wonder about this. Are we supposed to go to friends or therapists for the hard stuff?
@@chaoswitch1974 i think, for those fortunate to have really close trusted and trustworthy friends, maybe they can lend an ear. For the really, messed up broken stuff that you know friends cant shoulder, therapist. definitely therapist.
Can/Is my friend able to hold this burden or is this therapist territory? Am i making my therapist become a friend? if i were John Watson, would i share this with my therapist or with Sherlock Holmes? - kind of thing, i think. 😅
Well said 👏👏♥️
I found out I enjoy gardening, and connect with other nature-empaths in the community garden. (But even there I feel a bit rejected, as I do not have a parcel as big as other gardeners who garden there since 10 years)
In my 50's and I still struggle with friendships.
Me too. I've been betrayed by too many people that I thought were friends
I do too. I am 64 and have no friends at all and have no idea how to go about getting any. I'm desperate to connect though.
I thought I was good with friendships I always had a lot of friends. Until I became ill - long term illness, they all disappeared, as did my older brother who I considered one of my best friends. Never see them at all now
❤
I feel that when I meet new people that I am going seriously out of my way to please them. One example I bought primer and paint for this person who I thought was a friend. I took a day and primed and painted her living room while she sat there and smoked cigarettes hence the reason why I painted her room. She started talking about how hot she was feeling because of the weather so I haul my air conditioner out of my window and bring it over to her house. She would brush me off for months and just show up.
Another example met a family thought they were amazing everyone was cheerful and positive. Then the woman would talk about how her husband was treating her. He would talk about how lazy she was and didn't want to work etc... I felt I had to take sides. It turned negative because once I took sides they unified which is typical. Never, never get in the middle of a marriage.
I learned that the "foggy" feeling is us disassociating, leaving our bodies- like we did in our childhood or during abuse. Part of lingering CPSTD!!
Thank you for validation! Holy crap, my soul would leave my body and I felt like I was floating above the bed while getting raped by babysitters. I have also floated so far into outer space once and saw my silver string!
🫂 💔❤️🩹
or how you zone out because of being neglected and ignored.
I’m done people pleasing or apologizing for who I am. Take me or leave me. I’m secure in myself and am cultivating a love relationship with myself. ❤🎉😊
❤
That’s what I’m approaching but I don’t think I’m yet there or atleast not yet doing very well.
I'm done apologizing to my abusers who made me feel like my existence was an annoyance. Gone are those days.
We are to be pleasers of God, not man. We are to love and forgive others but we are instructed by God’s Word to walk with the wise and that those who keep company with fools suffers much harm. Be wise and follow Jesus Christ, alone!
Losing my mother at age 5, being bullied in junior high, abused by my husband, and still being bullied by even strangers. I am like the weak one in the pack. Everyone can sense it and the bullies let me know it. I am 75 years old. I cannot change the bullies but I can change how I react to them.
Hi good lady wish we can connect and be friends
Hugs Beautiful ❤
I guess something in your unconsciously attracted abusive people , is like me every time I dicied to have a close friend , ending being a nightmare and a Narcissistic . So something inside make us search for this people
I’m the same way. I feel like people can sense that there’s something “off” about me
@@franchangehabits Maybe because it feels familiar?
1:34:54 sometimes the person isn’t doing anything wrong, but at the same time, we aren’t getting what we need. There isn’t always a bad guy or a wrong party. You can be right, they can be right, but you can be wrong for each other.
Sometimes groups are a crapfit. Leaving them is a personal victory.
I have always had the problem where I jump in too quickly, before I get to really know these people and then have to extricate myself out of what often turns out to be, a toxic dynamic.
Ditto
I have done that, too. It took me a long time to realize that is backwards. But I can't figure out how to connect without risking. The really weird thing is that I am beginning not to need connection as much as I once did. Maybe I'm finally healing.
Here’s to 2 of us 😂❤
me too and it hurts like hell when they turn their backs
Can absolutely relate. Any "friendship" that quickly got off the ground, too much intimate talk etc ended with a big bang after months. I realized that the friendships I have that are longterm and based on healthy ground, grew very slowly.
It has become an alarm system for me when I connect too quickly. Like I recently did with a new colleague. She invited me over to her house for dinner. So far, quite nice, but the later the evening the creepier it became. She stepped over my boundaries, gave me multiple advice without me even asking, compared her story with mine, I told too many too private things, she even showed me how to hug people correctly. She's an alcoholic, did therapy for many years, was sexually abused as a child, doesn't know how to handle money, is always in debts etc.
I am glad that I notice and respect my alarm system earlier than I did in the past.
Still, there is work to do for me. I need to observe more and talk less.
Now 2 days after that dinner I still feel I have to shake off this terrible energy.
This was great information. People around me 99% were co-workers wanted to be included, but brought NOTHING to the group, never wanted to put any money into anything or help plan, it was always me that supplied everything, I walked away from all of them, I found them to be nothing more than users. Anybody else see a lot of co-workers are users? I am happier being alone.
Yes I can relate. But not just co-works but from nearly everyone I’ve had relationships with. I call them “takers” and emotional vampires. I’ve learned that I tend to be a “fixer”, giver, and people pleaser. It was how I was conditioned to deal with my toxic mother. Setting boundaries takes practice. I’m still not there because when people start talking about their problems I immediately want to help and nurture. Need to practice restraint, listen without overly giving and focusing all attention onto them.
P Slay,
It’s good to be strong enough not to depend on others. I feel better with just a few good friends then those who are around for what you bring to the party.
Quality over quantity for sure.
I think it depends where you work. I moved from Flint Michigan and moved to Minnesota, I can say I’ve never met so many kind and nice people, I haven’t met anyone that’s used me and I work in a Grocery store in Flint and in Minnesota, huge difference in coworkers.
It’s so hard to keep the faith - #people are disappointing
Co- workers are not friends.
Never go to work thinking that you’ll actually make friends… work is to make money and go home.
I let people in & I get disappointed every time. I just feel better with a couple friends that I’m really close to
I've found thats all we need. :-)
Totally agree
At least you have someone and you still have a small community compared to people like us or myself who genuinely have no one
healing is essential - because I had that mentality too, until I learned that this turns us into self fulfilling learn helplessness and a form of narcissistic victimhood. I 'get it,' I do. And one of my favorite 'friends,' just added to my wounds....devastated but she had enough. Just didn't;t know how to say it :(
Too many “friends” have backstabbed me. I have no one
I don’t know Anna, I’ve had a lifetime of forced & active engagement - overcoming my desire to isolate. Now retired and definitely “getting weird.” Torn between forcing myself to stay at least on the edges of community & fake normalcy or finally become that crazy old lady on 50 acres with a pack of dogs and a shotgun. 😂😂😂
Sometimes “weird” is better! Every time I’ve forced myself to socialize it backfires. I now have come to realize that it backfires when I’m in an unhappy place, which is not doing what I love. When I’m happy I tend to have a better experience with people. I think if you pursue your dreams and look forward to each day, the right people will come to you.
Oh no! Don't become the crazy lady- maybe try our membership first to stay engaged :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
~Yep, me, too, only its cats!~^-^~
I'm that crazy old chicken lady on 30 acres. I was so friendly to everyone I met when I moved here but being an older single woman I apparently was a magnet to the married male narcissists. They've behaved badly so I put a lock on my gate and went into hermit mode.
I appreciate your comment and have a similar experience. 💔❤⚘
This. My childhood trauma comes from being bullied...These videos are immensely healing. 💖 Thank you.
Same here, well a combination of loving yet unpredictable parents who would criticize me for being "too sensitive", I felt so alone. Now when part of group I can't stop talking...it's so off-putting and I wish I could stop. I don't know why I keep doing it.
Ugh same 🤗
Same here
@iwilson6651 me too. My mum said everyone is bullied I was bullied. So told to shut and deal with it. I then became mute.
@@Nikitaxo24 I am so sorry. People throw out 'everyone is bullied' because, in general, kids aren't always nice. But the constant picking at/bullying is very different than someone just being mean here and there. When you have to walk into a space and have that bully pick you out of a crowd and make everyone laugh at you...yeah, that is not normal..and only happens to a small number of targeted people. People have a hard time understanding what they haven't actually walked through. My mom was similar to yours - however, she would say 'be strong - pay no mind' until I stopped telling her...basically, stuffing feelings. The combination created some solid CPTSD. Sending love. ♥
You're literally a life saving boat channel on UA-cam and the value of what you do and in the way you do it (no pushing, no trying to sell s**t all the time, no fake online character, etc) feels so refreshing and healing.
A huge thank you all the way from Brazil from a struggling Spirit.
Thank you for saying that, and I am SO glad you are healing!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I literally shout with joy when you have lengthy videos out. Only because your lengthy videos make me feel like my mum or an aunt is teaching me life lessons - something I never had my entire life. I had to scrounge for information and figure out wrong from right. My whole life, I was confused, whether something was right or wrong. Only after I found your channel, I found confidence in my decisions. I can never repay you. Anna you are an angel. You are literally a fairy and doing God’s work. You have changed my life. Thank you
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I agree with O, and want to add I value your insight and wisdom. I may be wrong, but I think I remember you don't have a degree in psychology or counseling? Yet your counsel is far more accurate than any licensed psychologist I've ever seen or known. You're solidly in the center of your gifting!
Agree and thankful!
Yes yes! This channel is saving my life as we speak. I cling to the daily practice and these videos every day like a life boat.
Included but accepted for who I am. And I feel like I have to work extra hard to seem normal around people and can’t relax until I go home because who I am isn’t a personality that people accept. So instead I mimic who I’m around which is exhausting. Socializing is exhausting.
Carla’s letter made me tear up because I feel her loneliness and pain. I’m 70 and am certain it’s too late for me to correct the damage done. I do appreciate the understanding I’ve gained via your videos. ❤
I feel the same way at 68. You said it beautifully.
I'm 55 and I'd be your friend, I bet loads of people want honest lovely friends, keep dancin❤🎉
Absolutely need, want honest, healing relationships.
I'm 50 and my fave friend is 68. I only have two friends that I see occasionally but a few on email. We're all broken and complex really.
It's never too late ❤️
Wow I am not alone in the craziness. It seems like we are attracted to people who will take advantage of us. Who has no problem brushing off the friendship.
You are not alone!
-The Fairy Team
I’m 52 and I have zero friends.. I’m very friendly and social if I have to be but I cannot form lasting friendships or relationships. I ghost people especially if I feel not seen or heard. I’m divorced three times, have been no contact with family for two decades and I just have given up on humans
How familiar this sounds 👍🏻
I have a dog lol.. he is my only friend and I’m ok with that
See if this technique helps as a way forward: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
-Cara@TeamFairy
100000000%
your healing needs to go deeper.....I'm practicing what I'm preaching... keep going.
The pandemic allowed me to experience being alone without judgement from myself or others. It was freeing. I have a few people in my life that I enjoy seeing, but mostly I would prefer to be by myself. I'm 72 and single. I have been married twice and in a serious relationship without marriage. There were benefits to those relationships, but there were more problems than pluses. I've had many friendships through the years. Almost all of them have died or moved away. I still miss some of my closer friends, but those are relationships that could not be replaced. I did try. I'm fine with that now.
Your advice is usually really good, but not so much on this point. As we get older, we don't have the need for other people that we once had. It's not that we completely lose the need for others, but it significantly diminishes. That's normal and needs to be addressed. Older people will naturally lose their friends and family members to death and relocation. Visiting becomes more difficult. We don't need to be shamed or told we need to want more contact. Maybe we need more support to be happy as we are.
So far, this is the best part of my life. I wish the same for you.
I agree! I’m 70 and still working. Not much time during work to get to know co-workers which is fine with me because I don’t care for many of them due to what I do know. I’m guilty of isolating (something my mother did), but when I think of the people I know there aren’t many I actually want to be around anymore. I am friendly, outgoing, easy to smile/laugh but I just don’t need to be friends.
I agree, though I am 57. I read a book on those who prefer solitude and honesty, I am a lot less stressed having less contact with people. I am also an introvert and have just enough contact and do seek out other ways to connect, but I don't feel the need as much as I am told I should. The book on solitude said it simply is not true that people who spend more time alone are less healthy.
56 and echoing the same sentiment. I don't mind having the occasional visit with friends, but I am not interested in just filling my time with people, unless they are the right people. Perhaps due to trauma it just takes too much from me. I am better with social contact than in the past, but I'm also okay with a volume of alone time. To me, allways needing to be with people is also not healthy...well it wouldn't be for this introvert!
I'm happy to hear that you are enjoying life. That part of the video struck a nerve with me. I worry about my 67 year old mother who is becoming more forgetful after recently moving out on her own.
"When we think that we know what is best for another person, that he is just being dumb and not seeing the obvious, what that is called is arrogance." Well said.
I am finding I am outgrowing some of my friends as I work more on emotional regulation and functioning better in the day-to-day. I am beginning to see that the things I thought I wanted out of friendships, are not what I really desire as much anymore. This puts me in a position to want to connect with different people and I am taking a shot at it more often.
That sounds like great self-awareness, thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I am really struggling. I went from having a large community (many unwell addicted people) to being completely isolated. My father abandoned me at childbirth and has again abandoned me after 10 years of solid building. My mother was sick a lot of my childhood and had an emotionally and verbally abusive, sometimes physical, fiancé from my ages of 8-18. I always knew I was traumatized by these things but as my mental health has seen some scary extremes over the last few years I have really started to understand the severity of the damage my parents caused me.
I have always had friends, sexual partners, big social groups, but it’s almost as if as soon as I started to see my problem that’s when people started to back away.
The last couple years have been a tangle of addiction, while also trying to evolve in my mental health at the same time. It’s been not so fruitful as you could imagine. I have finally in the last 6 months really begun to hack my chemical codependencies and have essentially removed all the toxic ties..
But this leaves me alone. I used to work in hospitality but now I work from home so I spend a lot of time by myself, and now that I don’t drink or party I am sort of at a loss for how to meet new friends. No exaggeration but in the last year I have lost about 15 important relationships to me…all when I was doing my best to get better..
People just can’t understand the depth of my pain. It feels like every subtle breeze is an assault. I’m triggered by everything. Everything you say is spot on for me. I am doing well in my life, I’m working a serious job and I’m doing well, I have a car and my own apartment and I finally can set goals. I am in therapy, I meditate and I have picked up running again.
But there are so many hours in the day. And the pain of feeling like nobody can see me, and that nobody wants to..it just envelops me. I don’t deserve this and I don’t know how to escape.
I appreciate you so greatly for doing this work because you are helping me understand. I’ll continue to watch. Love to everyone, especially those who feel the same way I do.
We understand as few others can! I’m glad you’re here.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Maybe it would help to recognize this is just a short phase of your recovery? It sounds to me like your desire "to be seen" by others could be an escape from feeling the pain of your childhood. But the one your inner child REALLY wants to be seen by is you... your "inner adult." Maybe it would help to journal with your left hand (non-dominant) as if you, the adult, were the child therapist who is listening to the rambling stories of the child. Let her write anything she wants without analyzing it. Kids do that... ramble on and on with non-sensical chatter or convoluted stories, and what they need is the sense an adult is listening to them. If you listen to her, I bet it will greatly reduce your feelings of loneliness or emptiness, even if in reality you're in your apartment alone at the time. It worked for me, anyhow :-)
@@cherylmockotr thanks so much. I’ll give this a try. I think you’re right about your assessment too.
🍀❤️❤️❤️🤗❤️❤️❤️🍀❗✌️
could you join a recovery group such as adult children group make new friendships there
I did learn to make friends. Can only do one on one. Can only have a few good friends. Takes years to trust anyone.
That’s how I’ve come to feel too! Groups exhaust and annoy me. I like to pursue and isolate (not in a negative way lol 😂) people I see as compatible and willing. I then try to cultivate one on one relationships. I don’t know if that’s the right way, but it’s how I am. Group stuff is sometimes fun but phew I’d rather just be with one person with whom I can focus on getting to know, get close to, and share my true self.
Oh to have had the teachings from the Crappy Childhood Fairy for free by UA-cam when I was struggling at 20 years of age with relationships in the 1980s!!!
30 years later I am finally understanding where my life went so wrong with all my friendships!!!
Thank you Anna for your amazing wise videos
Love you💕 xxx
OHHHH girl - me too!
I would have realized that my 80's actions were ALL based from my chronic verbal abuse n physical terrorizing by my much older brother.
But - we're here NOW, abd thsts a GREAT THING!
Like Anna sez " our PAST trauma is an injury; it's NOT our identity"!
Amen to that!
Hugs 😊
@@MyUltimateStuffCommiserations from a fellow sister whose older brother permanently injured me.
Me too...sad that I spent a lifetime picking people just like mommy and daddy...and retraumatizing myself for 59 yrs. So much of the shitty behavior is a long-term comfortable bad habit! !😐 Don't even know what a health relationship looks like!!
Me getting out going to the store , gas station, post office is all the interaction I need with people. I’ve done the groups, they are not for me. I am happier now because I am in control of who I am around.
I love your metaphor of not going after a friendship like "a bee to pollen" . That made me smile because in the past I have had people try to befriend me in this way and that is what it felt like ,so I dismissed them. Because of CPTSD I felt like they were too needy and it triggered me and reminded me of just how needy I was as a child ,and I didn't like that reminder. Also you've answered my longtime question I've had on why co workers seemed to betray me by remaining aloof and distant , then creating untruths about me. Because of CPTSD I must have came across to them as "flat" and self centered because I didn't ask them about themselves . I didn't ask them because that would mean an investment would then be required of me to maintain a relationship with them ,when I had no idea even how to go about it ,and unsure if I even wanted to take the risk. They could abandon me if I did! This makes sense to me now. Thank you.
This is the exact scenario I am living through at work right now, had someone tell a flat out lie about me to a "higher up" that -if it would be believed- would have caused me to lose my job. I was angry and shocked because I don't talk to anyone at work. I do my work and have headphones in all day, then at the end I go home. I am pleasant to whomever starts a conversation with me and just want to be left alone. It baffled me what would cause someone to do that to me when I don't believe I've ever done anything to deserve it.
@@0mfgeezeI experience the same thing. It so frustrating because we're literally just trying to make a living! It's this certain obligation or...entitlement people have to our personal lives that throws me off.
I didn't ask people about themselves because I didn't was to return the favor. I could do OK not talking to students in school because everyone had to be there. But at an optional party, I was frozen and treeified. And weird and everyone hated me.
I think sometimes it's really hard to not give people the silent treatment. 😕 The thought alone of communicating with someone who has hurt me sometimes is just to painful to bear. I'm 53 years old, but inside I still feel like a teenager, it's my deteriorating body that reminds me I'm a middle aged person.😔
I feel the EXACT SAME WAY!!!! 😢 I am a couple years behind you in age and was just saying to my mother than part of me still feels like that angst teenager that I was. It sucks but I am slowly healing...all of us can❤
Shallow connections take a toll. So true.
Yeah I became super isolated over time but its because I realized that I never fit in because I was already weird and I got tired of revictimizing myself everytime I tried to join a group or "fit in" I've never been "normal" I've never "fit in" and there is a lot of peace that comes with acceptance and not trying anymore. I enjoy solo hobbies and my own company. I am just inundated with pain at this point from relationships and I am not looking to tip the scales any further. This is a new boundary.
Personally I get triggered by groups because they bring out the worst in people. Mob mentality, singling out people who somehow stick out and don't conform to treat like crap. I despise herd mentality and feel like non-traumatized happy people tend to be very prejudiced and judgemental, also intellectually lazy - they don't bother to really THINK about what they say/do. I was bullied for somehow being "different" since kindergarten and as an adult I avoid groups. I feel sad that nearly everyone just wants to do small talk and not really get to know others. I left the last group I was a part of (a choir, which in fact I had even co-founded) because there was a lot of manipulation, victim blaming (concealed as "social justice") and so much stupidity that I couldn't stand it anymore. I was also made to feel invisible (another big trigger for me) and got no credit for my contributions. I could tell a lot of people disliked me without knowing anything about me because I have "weird and dark vibes". Also, nobody ever shows interest in getting to know me despite me ACTIVELY approaching them for a conversation.
Now, I only trust other traumatized people who are determined to be healthy. People who have never felt decades of the worst pain are too superficial/shallow for me to feel happy around them, and they seem like little children with their Pollyanna outlook on life.
I prefer to hang out with individuals, not groups.
I never feel like a genuine part of communities consisting of "normal" people , but I have found "my kind of people" based on shared values and morals, which also are a result of experience. That's much better imo than just trying to be a part of just any group.
Exactly!!! Groups are often dysfunctional. There have times I felt left out, then upon further observation I realized I was better off, safer for sure as the group dynamics were bizarre, and I felt relief for being outside of the drama. Mob mentality. Yikes. No thanks.
Trust your guts! Sounds like you have had more than your share of challenges in finding a place to live. I hear you, it is brutal out there, so many suffering from dysfunctional behaviours, I feel a small circle is best for most, and groups are usually the worst of human behaviour on display, mob mentality and all of that. Having a good friend is wonderful but sometimes we find ourselves alone due to circumstances, such as moving, and that is when we really need to hold on to ourselves, and be our own best friend for a little while. I was shamed by a narc parent for apparently not having enough friends, it is an ugly thing to say to someone. Also anyone telling you NOT to trust your guts should be avoided at all costs. That is the most cruel suggestion and it is what abusers tell you.@gaston.
Could be that you aren’t truly interested in “that” group. Youmight try starting a hobby of your passion. I.e. your passion could be target practice with bow and arrow and you are joining a group of sewing or painting. Try starting alone perhaps going to the range to practice and meet others or the sport shop to find equipment and ask questions like where to go to practice or a class. Baby steps, build up you.
I have found that "groups" of full of insecure people who find their identity IN that group. I was never welcomed in a group as a child, nor as adult. I never fit in anywhere, despite being friendly, warm, joyful and my self -- that's all that had to happen I guess. It's good in many ways. It's also hard to be an extrovert (hard wired) but emotionally seek introversion because people are mostly unhealed and very emotionally immature.
40 yrs ago, I ran into the same situation with a friend in high school and I learned a lifelong lesson. She was partying, drugs, seeing jerks, and she wasn't even happy. I suggested she hang around with other people (me) and not long after she dropped me as a friend and continued to see the jerks. I found out later through other friends that she had regretted the path she took. I'm not sure what happened, but I suspect she got a lot of attention from acting out and actually liked it. Despite her complaints, I was interfering with her "vibe" and she probably felt ashamed around me because I was judgmental. She liked the drama until it left her destitute. Now, I was absolutely right that she shouldn't have hung around those people, but that doesn't mean she should be required to hang around me either. People have the right to make their own mistakes and it's generally a bad idea to interfere with that. Now, I just say be careful, but I don't stand in their way.
You did nothing wrong. Friends don't let people just hurt themselves without saying anything. We just have to learn to let them go when they can't receive it.
True. I have had a similar experience. It was a huge learning for me but I am still grieving the energy and time investment.
I'm a friendly person but struggle with getting close or letting others get close. So, the information you shared in this video helps me a lot!❤
I have to limit watching your videos to one a week, because actually letting some of these concepts sink in takes a little time for me. I think it's good medicine though. Thank you ❤
When I live by myself, or with a friend-farmer I do not have ruminations. When I sleep next to my partner, who is in his sixties (Because his behaviour is sometimes unpredictable, I really do not sleep well. (In the daytime I enjoy his company though. (He cooks well also!!)
The videos bring a lot of clarity. Thank you from Quebec, North-Canada
I had some really nasty experiences during the covid times where people seemed to suddenly turn on me. Ever since then, I keep myself to myself. I have tried to make friends, but I find people seem so strange lately, somebody will be my friend one minute then totally disappear the next. I would like to have friends again, but I would prefer to be alone than keep getting hurt by people.
I think a lot of us have had that experience. I had to cut out some extended family for a while because my immediate family and I refused to get the vaxsine. I'm still really unstrusting of people because of it.
I really love that Anna does NOT stop telling the truth because people complain or don't like it. So many elements of life have become phony and weak because these days we are not allowed to challenge one another or tell the truth AT ALL. The fragile has tried to rule the day. But there are those of us who do not mind the swift boot! Thank you Anna for offering it. As Jesus says "He who has ears let him hear". (Matthew 11:15)
This is totally for me. I moved to Dallas from NY by myself during the pandemic. I became awkward, bitter, and a people hater. And clingy to those I actually liked. However, now I’m working on getting out and making real connection.
Never had a problem making friends. Yet, unfortunately is hard to find people who are on the same page, and some folks can't be trusted and are just haters, so I have to be very careful and selective who I open up to, cuz I got screwed over way too many times when I was too friendly and open. And Of course, there are levels of friendships. I have close friends and acquaintances, so I limit the information I give to certain people. Like I said, I know tons of people, yet I'm only close to few. And yes, isolation is not good. Is about having a good balance of different levels of friendships. Be friendly but keep your boundaries well established.
I 💯 do this too different levels but always have something to do if I want socialization
Yes not all friends are the same level
Yeah exactly
It is not always about what you're doing. Sometimes groups just don't want you in there, or don't want you on healthy terms (e.g. you're only "welcome" if you buy stuff or plan events, etc.) Not everything can be fixed.
Claiming otherwise is gaslighting.
True!
Fr
I agree, in fact this makes me angry, and if the group is dysfunctional, what then? blame yourself some more?? this video seems really dangerous to me.
Where did the expectation come from? Did you provide all the parties and then stopped when you realized nobody else was contributing? Genuinely curious.
Groups attract narcissists tho. I really hope Anna reads the comments from folks who share avout how rampant it is. A lot of us got into groups where a covert narc had or got control of the group. It repeats what a lot of us dealt with in childhood. The narc abuse didnt relent, and we left for our own sanity. It was another thing to survive.
I agree, so many groups are highly dysfunctional. to me the best advice you can give to those of us who have had crappy childhoods is to TRUST YOUR OWN INSTINCTS, not tell us we have broken gut instincts, that sounds so much like the toxic messages that narcs gave us. There is nothing wrong with your gut instinct, what is wrong is when we talk ourselves out of listening to those instincts. You cannot break someone's gut instincts but you can severe their connection to their own wisdom. that is what narcs do, especially to children. Yes, belonging is great, but everyone knows that the world is a little shaky right now and it is far from "business as usual". so, I am not a crappy childhood fairy, but I would say, trust your gut, and maybe, just maybe there are a lot of dysfunctional groups, proceed with caution. Also, learn to love your own company, you can live a rich fulfilling life even if alone. Telliing people they can't be happy without other people is almost cruel in my opinion, it certainly sets them up for depression if they "fail" to connect with groups.
@@mitzistone4721 ~ When I was younger, I was happy to be more involved with groups… mostly church and neighbors, but now, between my husband and myself and our children and Grandchildren, we have 26 people and I find that I truly only have the time and energy to take care of myself and my husband and those in my immediate and extended family. Anything else puts me over the edge of sanity! I would love to be able to do more, but I need my own alone time.
I’m thankful for the tips and ideas on this website, though… it’s quite difficult to balance everything, isn’t it???
I appreciate reading all of your ideas!
Thanks so much!
@@mitzistone4721that's an excellent take on this, thank you for that. I think much of the problem re life long aloneness despite making concerted efforts to no avail is lack of acceptance, yes we've mostly come out of abusive upbringing but we've had to learn to survive alone. What is wrong with embracing that if we are getting older and we still can't find a tribe or even a friend that won't let us down? I want to stop having to feel like a leper and be happy with what God gives me and stop repeating what will never work for many of us. Maybe there's a reason who knows but society makes us feel bad about ourselves and our aloneness when really it has not been our fault from childhood up. People know who they can abuse & I don't want to line up for the next perpetrator
I agree 100%. Solitude is a beautiful state, and not a state everyone is able to enjoy. I am glad I do not depend on others for comfort or company, glaad I can finally provide that for myself and am not interested in being made to feel odd for a gift that is amazing. the gift of self love and the gift of enjoying one's own company. sure, there are times it is nice to be around others, that is normal, but I do NOT need to belong to groups or even spend in them. Thank you for your comment you are spot on in all you say. I hope that you stop feeling bad about your life, and never let anyone make you feel bad about being alone. I hope the same for myself. @@oliveonthebuses1
The gut is the sensor, but not the instance. Gut is allways true, but we schould analyse with our brain und decide with our heart❤
the one who decides with his gut, is lost! Raphael Bonelli
I have friends and family but nobody has time to listen. I’ll call and try but they immediately get on to their own problems and I don’t get another word in.
Started a heartfelt conversation with my brother and his wife grabbed the phone and mumbled something and hung it up. Felt kind of rejected.
People will call on me when they need, but never reciprocate. So I am used to surviving all crises alone. It seems to be my fate.
Rejection is painful. I don’t seek it out any more.
We come into this world alone. We go out alone.
Trauma-driven thinking can be discouraging. But never forget: Healing is possible!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Hard relate: it’s about learning to trust again. It’s very very hard to come to terms with why contacts are built on a foundation of sand; a house of cards.
That casual dismissal by a sister in law. The way brothers are taken over by selfish hypocritical wives. It’s crushing and soul destroying when a family unit that’s supposed to be safe and supportive, isn’t.
Why settle for selfish people who give crumbs. It’s so destructive. Isolate to the extent you need for as long as you need. Access support - do what you can as you can.
Wean yourself back perhaps through the church. Flowers? Shop? Volunteer in low key ways and gradually build your trust and confidence bsck. It can take a long time.
Be conscious of the things Annie says but trust your judgement. I think Annie would have responded differently to your comment.
What you’ve said has been dismissed and undermined however unintentionally.
Keep going. Integrate as you can. You will get there. Have faith even when it feels hopeless. There are charities that offer counselling for free.
Nurture yourself, heal, recover … then you’ll develop strength to help you re populate your life. It’s more common than you think.
Why would you want people who don’t care and are selfish? You deserve more. Read, listen, walk in nature … 🤍🙏🏽
💯same
@pettali5007 thank you so much. .I do try to integrate but I can be the "cut and run queen"
Too close for comfort is a real thing.
Thank you for validating my feelings too. Nice to not be told "you're too sensitive"
I need to stop being such a hermit though. Anna is so wise.
This is the experience that so many of us have. Most do not deal with their primal wound so most groups are toxic, finding people who are willing to listen is also difficult. Your thoughts are not wrong, your thoughts are not misplaced due to the trauma you endured, your thoughts are stable and wise. I too trust few, as they most don't deserve it, but I am not completely closed off, the door is open a crack, but I am not going to go seeking friends in some random fashion or a misguided attempt to connect with potentailly unhealthy groups, as most of them are.
I become friends with women and they either turn out to be toxic/mean/abusive/selfish or at the first sign of conflict I get super triggered and decide to never talk to them again. Or I start conflicts over petty reasons and then decide to never talk to them again. It is hard but I’m not losing hope. I love friendship. I actively try to make new friends all the time, by asking girls I work with to hang out. It’s hard because I’m 25 and a lot of people have established friendships and groups, but sometimes I get lucky and get super close to one. It just hasn’t tended to last, yet, because of the reasons I shared..
as always, I’m actively working on my trauma recovery and I know things will improve. At least I have one solid best friend who’s there with me through thick & thin, though she lives a few hours away now, I’m forever grateful I have her.
My last BFF turned on me and viciously attacked me, claiming I "wasn't there for" her, when I literally bent over backwards to accommodate her, despite my having poor health and a full-time job, while she had a husband to support her and help her. I had just gone through a break-up of a 10-yr live-in abusive relationship which left me emotionally exhausted. I'm not proud of how I acted, but I was so crushed by her accusations that I just completely abandoned the friendship. I am pretty close with my adult kids and grandkids, despite distance, but I have been unable to have a close female friend OR a romantic relationship with a man, in the ten years hence. I'm 60 and sick and too damn old to be hurt, over and over again, by people I love and trust.
So often the groups are dysfunctional, finding peace with our own company is a good goal, and being open to love is also good, but looking for acceptance in random groups? why??
I understand.
I SO appreciate this compilation and the beautiful ways you discuss the content and then speak to those who wrote in to you letters seeking assistannce. Thank you for the compassion, the support and the honesty in you being you and the ways you kindly show and express that in your videos. You speak to people, not at them-you care. We see it, we feel it, it's beautiful and so are you.
❤
This is a good video, and has been something that I have been struggling with. It's nice seeing this being addressed as it is not a popular topic. I want to be social. I want to connect with people. I used to be these things inspite of the trauma of my childhood. It is in the past few years that I find it overwhelming and tiring. I seem to attract the users, abusers, and losers in life. That has made me put up walls and be suspicious of people because people seem to only want to be "my friend" when I can do things for them. I'm finding myself isolating more, and of course being lonely. Sigh.
Ditto! I give up.
We understand, and there's lots of hope :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I know the feeling, but there are good people out there. It is very scary, but keep trying. Don’t miss out on finding a good friend. You deserve it.
My true friends are 20-30 years older than me. My favorite patients are elderly. Was I looking for things my mom didn't have? Was I looking for maturity I didn't have? Funny thing is, these older 'friends' actually are very unresolved too.
my third partner, a Canadian, is indeed 16 years older. For the first time, as a pionneer (immigrant generation 0) I feel part of a group, as he has a family of 5 members. However, at our age, we are good friends, companions... (but we will not be close like in TRUE love) as he does tell me so shut up, when I confront him...
It’s so funny I was thinking about this exact topic last night after I had a fight with my close friend and I was so close to throwing everything all away. This morning I also realized I had an issue with being close with co-workers and being part of a work environment group. Thank you for this timely message and to all those who are struggling with long term commitment I pray it gets easier for you and you become stronger through this awareness.
Reading challenging books - Eureka! I read fantasy. Out of a group of a dozen people (all new to me, met at a hotel where I stayed) I met one guy I particular like and trust...He also reads fantasy n Sci-fi. I'm friends with him now. I even told him about my experience with my Crappy Childhood Fairy. He's very supportive and respectful of my desire to be friends only. I've told him bits about my abusive relations and he's been really cool. I took a chance. So far, so good. Thank you CCF😉
So glad you made a new friend! And it's really cool that reading interests brought you together. Thank you for sharing this encouraging "win"!
Julie@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank You for your guidance...your caring response❣ I love your channel. Your shared experiences are helping me a lot. 🥰
I ernjoy in the Myers-Briggs Personality, the people who are .Adventurer or Protector. I wished everybody would wear on their T-shirt their personality type, so that I do not waste time.
Carla you are not too dumb to live. Please give yourself grace, you were in survival mode while others could be themselves in a safe environment for your life. I’m struggling too. You are not alone.
Thank you for sharing these words of encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you for sharing so much of yourself so openly. I’m learning a lot. Your videos help.
I participate but still closed off, my heart space is very protected. tried connecting with people and groups but its not easy like you make it sound
Hi this is something, making true friendships and avoiding triggers, is where I am right now. I hate being an outsider but listening to you will help me. My therapy is taking a lot out of me right now but I gather this is because I'm getting somewhere. Thank you for all your videos, you are very straight forward
I’m glad you shared that. Thank you.
-Cara@TeamFairy
6:15 benefits of showing up
6:27 isolation detriment
7:05 awkwardness
Belonging might be nice. But if the groups are cliques you are better off outside them.
Ain’t that the truth!
You helped me understand myself but I’m introvert and for me is exhausting having close friends. Already I see myself as a weirdo 🙄
😂me 2, but dont forget weird and wisdom have the sane roots, am sure I vibe with my tribe, and the rest, get me as I am ...what more can I do😂
It's ok to be weird :) 💜 I prefer the weirdos! A community of tamed, status quo perfect individuals sounds like a nightmare!
They say humans are wired to connect, but like everything else, we exist on more of a bell curve with extremes at either end; introversion doesn't seem so weird to me, any more.
You are not a weirdo for being introverted. You just need to limit the amount of time with friends.
Me too I don’t seem to have any energy left after my work !
This is SO me Im so isolated its 100% me
humility is a huge part of healing
"Interdependence is the key; enlightened interdependence." William S. Burroughs
Agggh!! I hated ' groups' as long as i can remember. This totally resonates with me.
I agree. My brother used to think that it was odd that I would come to parties, be extremely social, and then back off and withdraw into my own world. I felt like I just wasted too much of my energy. However, I really enjoy that right group socializing. It is so fullfilling and so healthy and so healing. We do also have to vibe with the right people. It is also about that. Sometimes it really is about not finding the right match.
when you get burned by people in your group (i.e. substitute family) that you respected and trusted deeply, that is additional trauma and causes one to retreat to the back 80% in the next group...
I know. This has happened to me too. Some of the first people I chose as "family" didn't work out, especially early in my healing process. But with more healing, this gets better too!
What you said to the 63-yo woman reeealllly resonated. Thank you so much for your compassionate and wise words.
Great words, Anna, and very much understood. I have been in the social circles, and I have laughed it up with the best of them. At the end of the day, my solitude brings me the most peace and joy. I give thanks and look forward to the next day.
Such a good reminder about 12 step programs. Everyone is there bc they need to be. I too was idealistic at first and learned the hard way to keep better boundaries!
Great collection! It puts a lot of principles together. It struck me that some of us (OK, me) tends to trust everyone and then get burned almost every time. This leads to avoiding anywhere one might encounter and meet new people. It gets to a point that you expect even good friends to burn you eventually. Not a great way to live. Thanks for putting this together.
@@elipotter369 that part! I've always been somewhat naive, and would assume that people I had dealings with had my scruples and standards. Yikes
Experience is a good teacher.
The timing on this is amazing. It's like a sign or something. I literally am about to end a friendship due to bread crumbing and now i'm confused about making other friends because ive always had issues with them. This friendship that i'm ending was a very close friendship but there has been so many issues and ive tried fixing it. They aren't a bad person but they got issues that they need to work out by themselves. My trust is broken and now i'm just confused about letting people back in...
This free course teaches a technique to help :) bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
-Cara@TeamFairy
I understand what you mean. People show us by their actions what matters to them. I try to realize I am not the only person in their lives and that I don't know what problems they have that might limit their time. However, after making such allowances, one has to make a decision: am I being treated as if I am important to this person for who I am, not for what I do for them or as placeholder when they can't find anyone else to keep them company. If you have a relationship that matters, the person will listen to you when you need them to listen, BUT they also will come to you when they need someone to listen. In other words, they will let you know who they are. They want to know who you are. Intimacy exists. That is my guideline. We all have to decide what our needs are.
I have a friendship that's dear to me, and came close to ending it several times. She's a tenacious person, thank God! 😅 I'm aware that I'm not an easy person to deal with. But I've been transparent about my issues. And she's learned that sometimes I need space...not because of her, because of me.
@@miapdx503 You have a true gem of a friend. A good friend should be willing to take the good with the bad (as long as the bad isn't disrespectful). Few people are able to do this kind of work.
@@nancybartley4610 I think that is true, to a certain degree. I had a friend who was rude when she would go into her bipolar fits. If rude behavior continues without acknowledgement, a person should end the friendship. Same goes for relatives who don't acknowledge distrespectful behavior.
I’ve never liked groups, and even in smaller friendship groups, I wind up being the one left out. So I just exclude myself a lot of the time through past experience
Rejection is horrible. It’s the it.
Omg I can so feel this😕 me and group's.... No one likes me because I'm too smart😂 for the BS😂
True story 😊
@spat727 yeah, I'd rather socially isolate myself then be socially rejected if I wanted to make new friends
I could comment on having and being a friend, but it would just run into pages. So sorry so many people have had the same experiences as I. Thank goodness for our Fairy who somehow makes sense of the jumbled mess of life.
Knowing what’s best for a friend…. I made big mistakes there and learned from it and still learning right now and in that friendship
My issue isn’t the ability to not socialize but when I learn more about other people, 98 percent of them aren’t nice enough or maybe they’re friendly but a bit dull…I cherish those who are fun and genuinely kind and friendly. They are a rare breed. So part of this need to distance oneself is that you sense fairly quickly that something is off. Unfortunately many people have personal issues. We as humans are very flawed. Their flaws need to compliment our own or be something we can handle.
I am drawn to larger-than-live personalities (who sometimes turn out to be narcisists). Or enjoy free spirited peope (inter-dependence) who bring out the best in me. Do not change me, and just let me be me: a woman with a lot of life-experience and intuition.
Struggling even now I think why bother. Because people will abuse you one way or another. Hence for me being alone I can be happy by myself. This way I focus on my health and well being. So far when I reach out and get rebuffed over and over again its just sad and makes me depressed. Thus I am re-learning what my joy comes from. I don't need to be a part of others to be happy. I'll reclaim my joy. I only have one to Thank and no person on this Earth.
That sounds hard! You’re in the right place.
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Tyvm hugs ❤ 🤗
You and I are on very similar journeys… just here to say that I wish you well! Really hope you find your joy again :) praying I can do the same too.
@@g.i.4144 tyvm I believe it's important to reclaim what was ruthlessly and savagely ripped from my soul. I am making the choice to be happy and keep moving forward. Because as long as I don't give up, I'm winning p*ssig off those who want me 6ft under. Gives me plenty to laugh about their discomfort. God bless them. God bless you too. Hugs ♥ 🤗
I agree with you , Ive learnt not to tell people all my personal stuff , they can use it against you if things turn sour. Plus I ve been misguided by others pushing me to make wrong decisions , which have had huge impacts on me financially. I've found that if you be quiet and let people talk you'll find out a lot about them. I've learned the hard way after a lot of interference and theft of valuable irreplaceable family heirlooms . My daughter and I have made a boundary for our safety and peace of mind that no-one comes into our home our safe zone. I hate people telling me what I should do. It makes me feel rebellious. If people hand out unwanted advice and don't even help . Ive struggled with a lot of loss and feelings of deprivation, I do overcompensate by having too much and not letting stuff go. Being overwhelmed and stuck with having too much to do but I'm learning and having peace of mind is so important . I too can be quite content doing my own things like art and gardening .
thank you Anna, I started going to AA meetings because of you and it has helped me allot.
You are truly healing people with these videos, thank you so much for your help❤
Great work. That’s what healing looks like.
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is so very complicated. Women are not always fun to be with. They are sometimes really gossipy and can get catty especially if there is a leader that likes to control everyone. It’s hard to navigate this crap. I’m not a beginner and I have always had friends but I am literally done taking shit off of anyone. Like I’m not having it and I will speak-up. Guess people don’t like to be called out.
guy friends/mixed groups. i feel u. hard when some women themselves may have caused u trauma. but i promise theres cool groups who dont center around gossip. unfortunately alot of guy groups gossip and demean people too
Not every person is like this. Keep trying. The more negative experiences you have the more secure you are in yourself. That’s the upside. ❤
@@velevetyyflies true
@@ckl5801 of course not everyone is like this, thankfully…but it seems like many are. And unfortunately some of the tightest, oldest, and most important relationships you have may not be as solid as you think. I had a very difficult thing happen a few years ago and that became so clear. I kept asking if something was wrong, etc, with a gaslighting response each time only to eventually be verbally ripped apart over something that really shouldn’t have caused so much of a reaction which showed me that my feelings were correct all along. People are complicated. I have my own baggage too. But we’re talking about a 30+ year friendship here that imploded in a matter of seconds. Just 1 example.
I hear you. I think we all saw in the last few years how friendships can dissolve instantly and it has been a mind blowing experience for many of us. The world is not the same, how could it be? Most do not deal with the primal wound so you are dealing with others who are broken but not dealing with it. Trust your gut, you sound like you see clearly. No rose colored glasses looking in the window at dysfunctional groups and wanting to fit in, and then blaming your self when they get petty???? No way, stay grounded as you are, you get it. Many people are nuts, and groups can be so, so toxic. fine if we find an exceptional one, other wise we have a kind of wisdom that others lack and contradictory to the message here, often trauma makes us see what others cant, it does not blind us, it allows us to see.@@naznow
Most of us, in most situations, will decide that it is far more important for others to like us than it is for us to do whatever it takes to like ourselves. In other words, when attachment is chosen, respect and acceptance from others is held in much higher regard than self-respect and self-acceptance pretty much all the time. In both my personal life and in my work with addicted and people-pleasing clients, I have often seen this to be true
I like who I am today (most days!) - and even with my imperfections, I enjoy my own company. I now intersperse my alone time with other people who also like themselves, who don’t feel they have to be anything other than who they are in order to feel connected with me. And I believe, without a doubt, that this is a vitally important reason that I’ve been able to make the choice to remain clean and sober for so many years, one (sometimes difficult) day at a time
Today, I truly would rather be at home reading a riveting book or watching a favorite TV show than be with people I have to do a dance for in order to be included. Although attachment still matters to me, of course - I’m human, and we are programmed to need that sense of belonging - I no longer believe I have to betray and abandon myself in order to get it. I now have people in my life who love and cherish me just as I am - which is almost as wondrous a gift as being able to love and cherish myself
100%!!! The idea that we are "not healed" or have a "trauma driven mind" unless we belong to groups is harmful.
I love how you explained how playing it safe can cause a person to become selfish/ self centered.. I find these people to difficult to be around.
I am a performing artist. Yet it happens a lot that I work in a group of other performers and feel invisible to the others. Someone shares a story and we all burst with laughter. I share a story, and someone starts talking over me or it goes totally unnoticed and so I go quiet and just sit there, wondering what I should have done different. I don't give up and try again. And it either works or not. And all this time I know that the people around me actually appreciate me and like me as a person. So what goes wrong? What do I do wrong? Will I ever know? Can I ever feel like an 'equal' in a group?
I’m sorry to hear that. Usually there’s always at least one dominant (self unaware) person in a group. And typically people tend to enable them by staying silent and non-confrontational. Is there a way to use humor to be assertive? Like maybe laugh and ask rude person if they think you’re invisible. Keep it light hearted but also call them out on their sh**. Keeping things light hearted shows them you’re not letting it get to you. Some people are bullies and they are stealth in trying to put down or get a rise out of those they consider vulnerable. Find the strength in your voice, it takes practice.
As you do this work, a lot of surprising change can occur!
-Cara@TeamFairy
❤
I experience this as well and I’ve actually started to change my response . Formerly when it happened I would try to smile and abandon myself . Now I either walk away or speak up and say”excuse me I was talking “ . It’s awkward and uncomfortable but I’m weary of abandoning myself .
I used to feel awkward speaking in groups, and gradually learned to tell stories in ways people enjoy. It was not easy at fist, but very rewarding and after some years it gave me a way of expressing myself that I never thought possible.
Sounds like you are trying, learning and not giving up! For me it took a lot of experimenting, failing, talking to different people and experiencing different things. I started with talking about books, ideas and knowledge from outside of myself then gradually learning to talk about my own experiences and opinions.
I guess it just hasn't been my experience that being accepted is so easy. I've tried to join groups and foster friendships only to be rejected. I honestly don't know why other than to say MOST people are just surface friends and I have zero energy for that. I give way too much to take that from anyone.
Or sometimes the only people that want you are those that can get you to side with them on everything. I don't require that type of conditional approval anymore. I have opinions of my own and I don't have to be anyone's enabler, and in realising that I can check myself more often too.
"I've tried groups and foster friendships only to be rejected" thats exactly why I stopped making friends and even if I do and it didn't last then what the fuck is the point, I'd rather socially isolate myself then be socially rejected if I wanted to make new friends, being socially rejected hurt so much more then socially isolating yourself
I thought I was going to feel a little ashamed of myself while listening, but as you've given some examples of connectedness and showing up for others--I am surprised, but I do some of these things. That's so encouraging!
I still struggle with healthy boundaries, both ways. I also break them unintentionally, for example at moments I make things too personal and it gets awkward. Then I feel ashamed and get disregulated. I used to not get into any group case I couldn't handle all that, hence I'm still a bit 'off and unsociolised'. But I am definitly learning and noticing it too ( more positieve feedback) hopefull for the future. Your video's help immensly! Thank you Anna
Your channel is my absolute favorite. I cannot believe how I’ve just found you. I’m so grateful. I struggle a lot with friendships in my life too. I cut people off so often. I’d rather be alone.
When I moved here, I met all kinds of people and did a lot of entertaining. No one initiated anything back or reciprocated, though they were happy to accept invitations whenever I put something together again. It was very painful. I decided to stop reaching out. Basically, 80% of the people fell away. I decided to only sustain a friendship once I knew the other person would reciprocate. I have had a lot of subtle exploitive "friendships" that were triggering. I needed to stop doing that.
Carla’s story is EXACTLY what I’m going through with my best friend. I’m crying from the advice you’ve given and how perfect the timing is that I watched your video ❤Thank you so much to you and my therapist (of course lol)
Thank you for this. I’m in my early 40s and struggling to maintain friendships. There’s lots of food for thought here and I’m going to see if I can take some small steps to connect (without smothering other people 😬).
Its easier said than done. As a child I was not safe anywhere I went home, school, church. I got bullied, humiliated, and SA in every single one of those places and I had no one I could reach out to which caused me to have selective mutism that I can't break free from to this day. I try to, but I just can't. I don't mind sitting there listening to other people talk and get things off their chest though even if I don't have much to say myself and I will keep what is said confidential always. I would never wish bad things to happen to people even on those that have done bad things to me.
When you can't even find peace in church, that is devastating. 😢 As a child I felt safe in church but as adult that all changed. I was bullied and ostracized, mostly by women. I don't go to church any more because it gives me severe anxiety. But I do still believe in Jesus. I just have church at home.
After being in relationship I was advised (by professionals ) it’s good to be comfortable in your own company.
Being a extraverted introvert I soon leant to thrive in my own company - then Covid came and I found it just dreamy to be isolated. So calming and healing
It’s called Ambivert
I really have a hard time with the attitude most people seem to have when they say things like, “if someone wants you in their life then they will show it”.
I desperately want in my life, more than ever, all the people that I’ve managed to isolate myself from over the last year especially. I don’t WANT this. I don’t enjoy this feeling of loneliness I’ve brought upon myself. It’s just my subconscious gained too much power and runs most the show at the moment. And so my FEARS of abandonment (irrational as I’m consciously aware they are) are more than my PAIN of loneliness. So of the two unwanted feelings, loneliness is the lesser… for now
Thank you SO MUCH for this explanation! I've been getting better over the years because of patience and support from amazing people in my life, but I have still suffered from triggers from perceived exclusion. Because of this video I'm recognizing that I 'uninclude' myself so many times by pulling back when my super sensitivity from my past has created impossible expectations which can't be met. I go blind to where I am included and supported and in those moments I only see the triggering actions and feel the pain from my past. Those triggers can be so minor in comparison to the support, but I hurt in an exaggerated way and suppress the good feelings regarding the support. I hope moving forward I can recognizing when I'm doing this, but I know I need to heal from the past too.
Friends and friendship ...quality not quantity ❤
I’m so glad you were straight forward with the person who was telling her friend that she “shouldn’t” take the job and was crossing her personal boundaries.
I am getting hard to include. It’s real; yet isolation has made me less paranoid. More awkward, certainly, and more comfortable in my awkwardness. My one small action is this. Reaching out to people online, I get thumbs ups and ❤. It’s likely not enough, yet it’s enough for now. Others have had enough of me. 😂😢😂
The 'one small step' I'm taking today is actually engaging with this video instead of just sitting back, thinking, "Huh, that sounds like me", then moving on.
I've been isolating myself without even realising it for probably 6 years now - I always found people a lot of work and never felt I clicked with them, so I responded to texts less and stopped going to things I was invited to.
When everyone talked about how alone and lonely they felt during COVID, but I felt the same as I always did, I knew it was a red flag.
I'm still an introvert and I don't 100% get the appeal of interacting for the sake of interacting...but I feel like I'm at a really critical point where turning the ship around and starting to take steps back towards connecting with people is what's going to save me from total and inescapable isolation.
I know that's a very possible outcome, and I know I don't want to end up there, so now's the time to start taking steps to make sure that doesn't happen.
You got this! I know how difficult this kind of change can be, but we're all sending you encouragement. If you're interested, Anna offers a course on creating more connected relationships that sounds like a great fit for you, here's a link: bit.ly/CCF_Connection -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you so much for your sweet encouragement! I just joined the membership, so I'm definitely going to check that course out 😊
I agree that I'm definitely turning weird. Thanks, I needed you to say this because I felt it but didn't know why.
Hello, I find as I get older my circle of family & friends is getting smaller. I used to be a friendly outgoing person, but now that I'm over 60 most of my family has died (5 siblings have passed on...(most all but one, who was my baby brother) and they were quite a bit older than me. They all were important to me for various reasons. My younger brother was 14 months younger than me & died in an accident over 30 years ago.) Most of my friends were or are still religious, but I turned away from 'religion' about 12 years ago. I have tried to stay friendly, yet they seem unable to accept the changes I made in my life when I left 'religion.' I'm finding myself at a crossroads that is hard to define. Where do I go from here (I ask myself) to be accepted & make new friends?
I'll sign,
Lost, yet at peace with my Spiritual life.
We have a membership program where friendships can happen :) bit.ly/CCF-Membership
-Cara@TeamFairy
Oh my gosh- THANK YOOOOU for sharing this!! I have been isolating haaaaaaard the last couple months and I do feel weird. Even going to work makes me feel a little anxious because I feel so myopic!!🤪
It really is true- I get overwhelmed with social pressure but then when people finally stop inviting me I start to feel alone. It’s a balance. I LOVE my alone time but it really is important to remember that people are good. I actually start to feel afraid of people when I spend too much time hiding🫣
This letter from Cecilia reminded me of my mom so much. The part of ok this person didn’t answer a message that was basically questioning the person again in a decision taken, probably because the person felt was jumping a boundary, she uses her pride to convinced herself that is better to let it go than acknowledging openly and apologizing, then to win the person back sends the dog show thing, so “lets continue the relationship like nothing happened, can we both ignore the elephant in the room”. Then at the end, the whole “I told you so” thing, no is not her realization even if she saw it first, her friend took the risk, maybe she still wanted to try and the lesson came from her experience, your opinion is never more valuable than what the person experienced. This letter was a little triggering for me and I would have run from this relationship too.
Your voice and cadence is so comforting and soothing that I watch your UA-cam channel just to relax and listen.
This has been my experience: When women are talking to me and a few other women they will rarely, if at all make eye contact with me. Also, when I do befriend a woman, and if I show any weakness, like insecurity she will start to treat me different. She'll start belittingling me in small ways, talking down to me in small ways. I don't like women very much. I was verbally abused by my mom and physically abused by my sister. Women can tell when another woman is insecure and will run with it. If they think you won't stand up for yourself they'll come after you with gloves on! I'm learning to defend my self and I've noticed when I do, they have backed down. They are like a wild animal, looking for prey.
!!!!!!!!!!!!
I heard this quote before: Men insult each other and don't mean it and woman compliment each other and don't mean it.
@@Pfsif lol.
My issue is they are confused by my strength and vulnerability...so, they resent me for it, and I think I get punished for it. It seems women like to punish you for being smarter, more authentic, emotional intelligence....if you have all the things inside they don't do well, they see it and try to hurt you for it.... that's why I disagree with her assessment of the first letter. That lady was mad her friend was smart enough to know better. She actually liked things about this person because she shared her dog story, and her words. Please. It's a case of realizing you're not as savvy as the person you resent. That's disturbing to resent someone and then want to learn from them silently.
@@narlywaves2371 you have some valid points. Thanks for your thoughts...
I woke up and got left on read by a friend after suggesting plans for next week, and I had a meltdown and could not stop crying (I still have tears in my eyes), but this video was the first one to pop up when I went on UA-cam to distract myself or find some relief, and this is exactly what I needed to listen to. I’m only 8 minutes into this video and already you’ve reminded me that it’s so normal for people like us to feel isolated or not included, and that gave me a chance to step back and breathe and remind myself that this person doesn’t hate me, maybe they’re just busy, and I shouldn’t pull away or feel like the world is ending. Today I will focus on myself and what I have to get done, and revisit social planning and hangouts when I feel better (instead of isolating completely, or making my friend feel guilty). ❤❤ thanks again crappy childhood fairy godmother
I'm so glad the video was helpful. We're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy