Thank you for watching. If you enjoyed this topic and episode, please click the "like" button below the episode title, and subscribe to our channel here on UA-cam. Thank you for your interest in science! -- Andrew
Hi Andrew. I am a longtime listener/supporter of your podcast. I have implemented so many of your recommendations over the years and have seen transformative health outcomes including increased strength, happiness and weight loss. Unfortunately, I have recently discovered I have nearly insurmountable odds against me… I would be extremely interested in an episode or series about neuromuscular diseases/disorders. I was recently diagnosed with a condition called GNE Myopathy, which essentially starts with distal weakness in the lower leg and progresses through the body over the course of about a decade or so (more or less). I am 28 years old and am supposed to have my whole life and opportunities ahead of me. Instead, i have to accept a totally different reality - I may never be able to have a family, I will need caregivers and I may be unable to work in a decade. I am mourning the loss of a future that I will never have. I have to plan and prepare for a complete and debilitating loss of mobility before I’ve even reached middle age. I worked extremely hard for a life and health that was never within my reach. Now, at 28, i already struggle to walk and lift my feet. I have a wobble gait due to weakening leg and hip strength despite 5-6 days of strength training, HIIT training and mixed cardio since 2017. I’ll lay off the emotional appeal now and say there are treatments and trials that are available internationally. There are gene therapies in the works that could give people like me a second chance at life. But they are slowed due to lack of funding and awareness. We need to build awareness to get these things across the finish line and to give people like me more time and at least a chance of a better, if not totally normal, life.
I'm Andrew. I'll give you very good insight into improving your life unless you come after my wallet. I obviously don't support trump, but I need to keep this cash cow going. I want the best for you but most importantly I want the best for me. I am a coward and I want to build a guest house.
Bill Eddy's books Splitting and It's All Your Fault (1st editions) helped me successfully navigate my divorce and coparent with an HCP 17 years ago. It also helped me not end up in another relationship with an HCP. It's been so impressive how his practice and influence have expanded and helped so many people. He's genuinely one of the most influential people of my past, and I'll be forever grateful. I was so excited to see he was being interviewed by Dr. Huberman! Thank you both for pursuing your passions and helping so many!
This podcast is for those who want to defend themselves against high conflict people or identify and leave high conflict people. But as a mother of a high conflict son who is doing better, I think a podcast on how to help children who are like this would be valuable. This the perspective of a loving parent who won’t abandon their child.
As one of two troubled children of a single mom, who during our youth was fairly absent, I want to share that now many years later, our family is united. It took tragedy to bring us together, however now I very much appreciate my mother and respect her willingness to stick by us now. I acknowledge you for your courageous commitment to your child! So long as you take good care of yourself emotionally, your daughter will look back and thank you profusely for your patience and love. Bravo to you!
People need real-life feedback to learn. Sometimes being high-conflict is from not having enough experience working with people under "high-stake" environment settings. Of course, opportunities to have those experiences is hard to gain.
My daughter has ODD. She is extremely high conflict, and very comparative with her mother. She also seems to have difficulty keeping relationships with friends and her siblings can’t stand her. I’ve read lots of jungian philosophy and it seems to be helping with her inner peace, but externally she still has moments. She’s 12 and I would love to help her and I echo this comment by @resistapathy
This is one of the most informative podcasts from Andrew. I got married to a high conflict person with narcissistic tendencies and someone who would always deflect blame! He ended up strangling me and threatening to behead me after 5 years of marriage. I have seen consistent entitlement and victim playing in the divorce proceedings and criminal case! So grateful that I had a chance to hear this podcast ❤
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I know exactly how awful it is to always be manipulated and contorted into being the "problem", when the person's behavior and responses are completely erratic.
@@CalmBeforeTheStorm76 relateable* Beloveds, please note that these individuals are likely traumatized and need help and yes stay away from them if it isn't safe and you can't help them and hope and pray they get help or send help to them from qualified professionals. Most are also on the Autism Spectrum and were traumatized, not having been able to be taught and learn healthy coping and how to understand their emotions. 💖🙏🕊 I know some of these people. Have met many of them.
Dr Huberman, you are A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. The depth that you go into while understanding the point of view of your interviewee is unfathomable. Thoroughly enjoy your work, absolutely magnificent.
I'm also a high conflict person. I always wondered why I chose that path after any altercation because it seldom brings me any good result. Of course, I worked hard to change, and I did for the most part. But my default will always be there, I learned not to trust my feelings, I have to be rational about it. The basis of this is in childhood trauma, which is the cause but, obviously, not an excuse.
maybe you are or maybe not. There are many nuances in any kind of conflicts, it is not high conflict if you are setting your boundary, but if you are causing harm to others when it is uncalled for, then you are right about yourself.
This guest was fantastic! You should have him back. As a teacher I ( and my colleagues) have to put up with abuse from horribly high conflict parents, and this was very useful.
They are who they are?!!! And they will be glad to use that excuse all day long. Don't change who you are for bad ACTORS. That is the definition of emotional abuse. Avoid!! Yes, no, okay... that's just how it is and the way we are... yes, okay....you need not judge the person however you need to be able to assess the motives and behavior and make a judgement accordingly.
We live in separate rooms in the same house. Every morning, opening my door is the biggest challenge for me because I never know what to expect. The first few weeks were especially hard to handle; her emotions were on and off. I feel the energy transfer in my body, sometimes rising up to my brain and causing headaches. To cope with this situation, I engage in a lot of self-talk, analyze my emotions and thoughts, and focus on my breathing. I exercise regularly and have returned to my healthy eating habits. I also read and listen to podcasts to build my emotional intelligence (EQ). Dealing with people like this is a lot, especially when I also have school, work, and personal goals to focus on. Managing all of this requires a great deal of mental strength and resilience. Even so, lately, I’ve been sleeping with my brain still feeling awake. Thank you Andrew for more knowledge.
so relatable! please note that these individuals are likely traumatized and need help and yes stay away from them if you cannot help them or deal with them for your wellbeing and hope and pray they get help or send help to them from qualified professionals. Most are also on the Autism Spectrum and were traumatized, not having been able to be taught and learn healthy coping and how to understand their emotions. 💖🙏🕊 I know some of these people, they're my family. Have met many of them outside of my family.
As a nurse and In my personal experiemce and opinion, law enforcement is also high conflict. I've deen it pervasive in my 15+ yrs of being embedded in that culture via significant others. Great show Dr Huberman. Wonderful guest.
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, steve_porassss_. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place. Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac. He's constantly talking about killing someone. He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
I grew up in a high conflict family with parents who do not model how to resolve conflict. I fell into the “low self esteem and easily coerced” category by being too agreeable until pushed past my limits. What I’ve learned is to say NO often and have firm boundaries, nor avoid conflict, and realize it’s an opportunity to talk things through with those who I care about and care about me. I’ve also learned to let people go who do not care to resolve conflict. I can still have unrealistic expectations and high standards but I am now reasonable and show grace. Conflict resolution is key.
I had to separate from a friend this year. Very hard. I loved my friend very deeply but she was so attracted to chaos and self destruction that it was emotionally and spiritually unsafe being around her. I had to tell her we needed to separate permanently because I needed to protect myself. It felt like a death and it was painful but I had to do it.
Same thing here, i would get severe eczema on my skin because she would stress me out and i realised she had to go. Sometimes it's just necessary to get rid of people and close some doors and trust the process. Also i am sorry for the hardship you have to go through but with time it gets easier. I am now three years free from toxicity.
The discussion about the negative advocates, who believed the family member who was a skilled liar, but they did not have the full information, was really fascinating. And the statements about the "contagious" emotions was equally fascinating and reminds me of a current political situation and explains a lot.
In the world of narcissistic personality disorder parlance, the negative advocates are referred to as "flying monkeys". As in the creatures the wicked witch in The Wizard of Oz dispatched to do her bidding. It's apt because those people tend to come on really strong in the name of defending that person. Thinking of them as "low information people" actually helps me to grasp the idea better.
NGL I've cried watching this, being super thankful for Bill's heartful, compassionate approach. I've got to realize the very same approach, although it was still enshrouded in painful emotions associated with such a tough relationship. This confirmation, that it's about being intelligent in how we manage high conflict people, all while loving and respecting them, is a Lord's blessing to me right now.
Bill Eddy is wonderful - as I came from a high conflict family, it was easy to pick up these traits. Now older & wiser, I am always interested in becoming very aware of theses traits in myself and aware of how to treat others with high conflict behaviors - he has empathy for these type of people. Thank you for this topic.
I was just discussing HCP with a child who was recently diagnosed with BPD. I’m so grateful to live in a time where there’s information about these disorders that help their loved ones understand them.
@@glynroberts1128 bang on the money there brother, Its because the lack self and love to play the victim card . I'm making video on this soon. hope have a good week and stay clear of tornadoes
I was raised by a high conflict mother and now married to such man. I love them both and have great relationships with them. Especially with my husband, we are a great team as we both do our best to understand each other and support one another even in crisis. Looking forward to hearing more from two of you in this conversation. Thank you for choosing such specific topic.
You know it’s a brilliant conversation when you don’t have time to listen, but you also can’t stop. I find alot of these conversations are like that. Always fascinating, expansive and memorable. Looking forward to sitting down with this one.
this was so good! Bill's point that those with personality disorders seem to get stuck on the five stages of grief was so relevant! I have also noticed they can struggle with and get stuck on the five stages on any topic, big or small. Frequently can't get past denial and anger regardless of how small a disappointment. Took a long time with a family member to see the pattern and not internalize it.
Dear dear Dr. Huberman, I genuinely love that you simultaneously inspire me and put me to sleep. (Don't laught, I know it is strange). You obviously have a good team working with you (it is possible that it is your support team I actually love), you introduce a wide range of guests you yourself are learning from, which tells me about your perception of reality and openness to investigate it. Now, I still have to do my own thinking, feeling and solving, but there are guidelines your videos provide that help me. You seem to be in some sort of personal crisis since you are very open and thourough in your investigation and that humility (of openness) is like a loadstone, very attractive. Forgive my honesty.
I loved this episode. Very good analysis and very useful protocols by Bill Eddy. If you ask me, I always had the idea, that there are no bad people out there. There is only bad behaviour. People have reasons, for their bad behaviour, which 99% of the time have nothing to do with oneself. With that idea, it's relatively easy to react properly. But his protocols are hands on. Thanks Andrew and Bill.
The key in what was discussed is observing how they take outcomes of their behavior. Self reflection. Self awareness. If you see no evidence of this, and instead see the person stuck almost as if they have a blind spot to themselves, then the only solution is to cut contact. If kids are involved you will need to really strategize how to communicate to mitigate the damage.
This was a great way to understand patience. Understanding we are all not built to fit with one another perfectly. Learning to adapt to people, family, friends, and coworkers helped me find my own peace. I stayed away when I felt I needed to. Loved Bill Eddy and how he explained these behaviors as clear as an X-ray.❤
His “five types of people” book was really good. Made me reflect on my own behavior and how I sometimes contribute to conflict. This guy is good at his job.
Right?! Dealing with an oblivious narcissist (sorry, I'm going to label them because they are) really makes me stop and ask myself, "am I oblivious to damaging tendencies in words or behaviors?" 😳
Keep your eyes open with relationships. People can change, you can change. ALWAYS have the financial and emotional ability to leave a relationship. Develop your work skills so that you have the ability to leave a job with an abusive boss. When you share your proactive approach to your job and your partner reacts with anger or fear....they are realizing that you aren't afraid to leave them either. Time to run!
Right... I've deleted about 3 comments now where by I think I am just going to leave a comment when I've watched all of this. I've got to 39:47 and I've cracked. This video is almost beyond words in how helpful it is. Dear god even writing this there is more I can relate to (the video is playing as I am writing this). Genuinely so grateful to everyone who was/is involved in being able to share this. Really and truly thank you.
Finally watched all of it.... again super grateful for this. Speaking as someone who hates conflict the idea you can somewhat navigate certain situations in a manner that feels far less negatively charged is honestly quite a relief. Who knows how much success it'll have but for sure I'll look more into these techniques because not only may it benefit myself but also those who I am dealing with too.
As somebody who has to coparent with a very high conflict person, I’m only eight minutes into this episode and I’ve never felt so seen and heard in my adult life.
Faithful watcher of your podcast here, first time commenting. I feel like I'm in a twilight zone, I'm going through a nasty custody battle/divorce. This episode gave me hope and made me feel not alone. I've been accused of terrible things, without proof, had my kids taken away, I have supervised visits, etc... almost exactly what you were discussing. The process has been ongoing for 5 MONTHS!! I only get to see my kids 2 days out of every 2 weeks... they are age 3 and 4. They don't understand why they can't see me, hell... I can't understand why I can't see them. Family court is BROKEN!! Anyway, thank you for doing what you do.
Hey! Hang in there. 5 months is only the beginning. This will likely go on for years. Two days out of fourteen is better than nothing. Make the two days count. Make them joyful. Behave with honour. Resist the temptation to become resentful. In time, the bs will dissipate, truth, honour and decent will prevail.
Keep the faith and don’t just roll over. Get a good lawyer who will fight back. Family court heavily leans towards the mother, especially if she has a good attorney and there’s no signs of abuse or neglect. Don’t sit around and wait for the judge to decide where you are left with very little to no parental rights and paying tons of child support/alimony. Don’t hide money, don’t roll over and placate. Be honest. I’ve seen this happen multiple times to men going through a divorce who don’t handle it and they get screwed.
Thought I would fall out of my chair when I heard him say he has not heard of female online bullying groups; even though he walked that back a little. I can tell you about quite a few experiences my teenage girls have had to confront with social media bullying. They definitely find each other and attack.
This content is truly a game changer for anyone navigating difficult relationships - personally or professionally. Thank you both for sharing these essential tools to approach conflict with empathy and clarity!
Once again my jaw is on the floor with the information I've learned right now. 30 years of life walking around blind. My eyes are opened again thankyou huberman ❤
Thank you both! Please consider presenting on family systems, enmeshment, and childhood trauma. WE all need so much guidance. It seems everything is rooted in our childhood attachments to our parents, and when we become lovers, and then parents, we try to resolve our wounds with the other person.
This episode was priceless. If I only had these insights 15 years ago... The thing is, that at least with the high conflict person I'm dealing with, setting borders only brings more conflict or disconnect. And since I am in the situation of needing communication with this person more than she does with me, that's a trap I have to avoid.
Dear Dr Andrew Huberman, thank you so much for yet another great topic and discussion. Your podcast is like life coaching. So much to learn and takeaway to better our "one take" in life.
I'm someone who’s got a pretty intense, high-conflict personality. Every day, I’m just trying to be a decent person-or at least not a terrible one. Honestly, it's the hardest thing for me, fighting that urge to be a little less harsh and to keep hold of my humanity. It really messes me up when I end up hurting someone again. I cry a lot after these moments, like it’s some kind of curse being this way. Self awareness of this problems makes it even harder to fight
@@Keyfaze I can't answer for him but I can for me. Being aware that you make others suffer and that you sort of don't know how, why and how to stop : *Increases your self directed sense of shame and guilt.* Wich in turn, makes you even more angry at yourself, wich ends up being re-directed in the world, to others. Please my man, I suggest you see a licensed therapist. If you don't, at least consider listening to the episode of the Hub lab : - Asses your Mental Health, with Paul Conti - Relationships with Paul Conti.
@@funygameur Thanks man, I mostly agree!!! For me, it’s not about anger, it’s this fear of losing what I have in life (we all are living in society) Shame - not sure. Maybe. At least it is very very hard to label feelings and emotions. I see a therapist from time to time and have been working on myself for a long time. At this point, it feels like self-research, using analytical methods from psychology Every time I solve one issue, a new one-or several-pops up, and I start seeing my past in a different light I don’t know why such bad people like me exist, but I’ve come to think of it like a periodic table of personalities We’re all here, each a little different And honestly, the same question applies to good people: why do they exist, and why are they the way they are? My antisocial behaviour is not my only issue, i have phobias, PTSD and some minor illnesses. I think they all are connected.
@@funygameur When you feel yourself starting to get triggered, get out of the situation and let the chemicals (cortisol? adrenaline?) naturally work their way out of your system. If you are like my daughter, 20 minutes is good. Then sometimes it helps to communicate by texting because then the tone or body language of the other person won't trigger you. My daughter also went to therapy which helped a lot. Ands she does hot yoga with a supportive group which also helps a lot. Plus she has ADHD meds. ADHD is associated with emotional dysregulation. Those meds are known for helping focus, but she emotional feels better on them. Look into whether your blood sugar goes up and down because low blood sugar gives the hangry feeling. If you are sleepy after carbs, you probably are prone to a blood sugar roller coaster. Last but not least, add a loving pet on top of it all. Golden Retrievers are the best.
I can’t express in words how thankful I’m for what these beautiful people have discovered for themselves and bringing it to young minds like us and helping us not ruin our lives for someone’s undiagnosed mental illness.
Love and loved it. It tells almost all about the importance of people finding ground - professionals or patients, lovers/spouses, freinds, neighbors, family or foes. Humans are complex, nuanced creatures. Thanks, all 🤩
This is EXACTLY what happened to me! He asked me to move in with him and he became someone I did not even recognize. I left him and learnee valuable lessons!
Oh my goodness. I seriously had this conversation with someone recently. About people portraying to be something they are not. And once you marry them you find out that they aren’t the person they claim to be. It’s so important to have discernment ❤❤❤
I’ve learned so much from this guy. Even the people he invites to podcasts, though he understands, he translates or dumbs it down to your everyday audience. This is what separates him from most knowledgeable people.
Thank you so much for sharing so precious tools to deal with high conflict people. I’m from Brazil, regardless the country, the behavior is the same and it is a challenge to deal with them. I’m going to put in practice those tools.
Holy shit, dr huberman! My algorithm has not shown me a lot of your videos recently but this one popped up. Just when I needed it the most. I have a 21 year old son who I believe has a high conflict, paranoid personality disorder. He was diagnosed as bipolar a year and a half ago. He has hi-jacked my family’s life with issues since his hospitalization and subsequent diagnosis. Me and my wife are really trying to figure this out. 27 minutes in and it’s clear that he shares so many of these traits y’all are mentioning.
@@FarmerClarenceI hope the best for you and your mother. Unfortunately we are in a position where the person is a close family member. So we can’t necessarily just disengage and remove them from our lives. For one reason or another. Learn as much as you can about her and her issues. The more you know , the more prepared you will be for the unexpected. God bless and good luck.
Yeah. That's not how diagnosis works. The fact you feel that way about a 22 year old demonstrates you likely have massive issues, maybe they to do. The apples doesn't fall far from the tree. Your entire response was you acting an absolute victim. sounds to me like you have a personality disorder
One of the best! Practical tips, complex topics explained to understand, your back and forth conversation and stories made it real! Thank you for sharing ❤️
My goodness, that is so true. I realise how easy it is to get caught up in and drawn into taking sides in a friend's marriage break-up. Thank you, Andrew, for the brilliant podcasts.
Such a great podcast - thank you Andrew for doing this one - this stuff is so vitally important, such super useful practical guidance for those of us who have learned the hard way that failing to adequately discern that someone actually is a high conflict person before having a kid with that person or hiring that person or deciding to work for that person or whatever brings on a whole host of super challenging, recurring, exhausting, repetitive problems for very long periods of time until you're able to either move away from that person or inoculate yourself from that person
Love this! From the parental estrangement standpoint, what if your parents are the high conflict people that you want to distance yourself from? For your own mental wellbeing.
Completely relate! I simply stopped all communication with my Mother, but there was a big life event that provided a clean break. Doing it gradually and without a catalyst would be so hard. Rooting for you!
Thank you Dr. Huberman for choosing such a brilliant teacher and getting into depth with this topic. This was one of your best interviews so far! All that Bill described and explained so explicitly seemed to me a profile pattern of what is going wrong in the whole of our humanity. Although the wording "genetic tendencies" could in my opinion better be described as imprints, since we nowadays know that our genes are transformationable, these tools Bill has researched I will definitely pass on to friends and clients. > PS: I think we wouldn't have so many personality disorders if we were accelerating the tools for healing trauma. In my heart I feel that to be the root of all problems. Please make an episode on trauma!? Keep up the wonderful work Andrew, and please come to Berlin. Big ❤
Dr. Huberman, please do a podcast on Potassium and effect on blood pressure. The literature seems to suggest a modest reduction in BP from increased dietary or supplemental potassium, however, I have experienced a much more significant reduction-far greater than prescription BP meds claim by taking about 3000 mg per day based on literature that indicates most people get less than half the daily recommended amount of 4700 mg. Systolic pressure now is consistently 120 or below. Previously it routinely was 150 with occasional spikes to 175.
I still struggle with some high conflict people in my family. This was enlightening. What I would add: 1. learning to be very patient with high conflict people 2. Sometimes you'll find yourself in a sort of "stale mate" and will have to regroup and try again in a different time.
On the social media topic… I have started to wonder if our ‘downtime’ is being diminished in our day-to-day lives. Downtime where our brain would normally be forced to think. It seems now that downtime has been taken over by continuous scrolling and stimulation. We simply do not sit and think as much as we used to.
Yes, when saying prayers, I might relax or fall asleep listening to others saying prayers or I might reflect on my behaviour. We do need a regular access to the Reflection space, even if we reflect when swimming or walking or knitting ...
This is my perspective and answer for 2:16:33 Bills question. Question; why with people with personality disorder and high conflict people? I study Social services and we read and write a lot of papers about behavior. I would study these individuals childhood especially through attachment theory, maybe many of the case examples have an unsecure avoidant attachment style, this could explain why they don't share common stages of emotions. If we would look deeper i belive we would see different emotional phases, maybe delayd or in an odd way, (backwards). I want to express my gratitude For this podcast episode! It was a really interesting topic and gave me rapidly new ideas and theories for behavior or humans! I'm really fortunate to have access to this information! You are a blessing Andrew Huberman, I idolize you! Your ability to listen actively and rapidly mirroring questions for finding the common ground is astonishing! and of course the whole team working with you! (You inspired me to write more and dive deeper in the science of my own study! Bill Eddy you have been such an awesome quest, i love your way of communicating! You have an amazing voice and phase of speech which is easy to listen to! Ps, about the topic, These unfortunate souls who don't have important tools to deal with strong emotions, impulse control, regulation of their nervous system (Polyvagal theory (PVT) are lost on their own with non affective tools.
Oh wow! Thank you Dr. Huberman for this informative episode, As someone who is on the path of personal development, self awareness and spiritual growth, I feel confused at times as to how to interact with others specifically family. I can’t push away everybody out of my life. I will definitely look into his book. Again thank you!!❤
THANK YOU! I recently discovered in the past few years that I have been surrounded by and share some of these characteristics. Never too late to learn about yourself and how to deal with these characteristics when they show up. I almost did not listen due to length. Very good interview and information. Best
I thoroughly enjoyed ALL of this. My family and I have had to deal with someone who has been diagnosed with histrionic personality disorder. It’s been HELL for us but even more damaging to our child. While I feel for these ppl who struggle with mental health issues, children matter much more to me as in preventing more innocent bystanders from being hurt. I stress that children are not protected enough from high conflict ppl and it is extremely damaging. You can’t get your childhood back.
I've observed, most people who avoid accountability, that often blame others, typically in childhood had 1 of 2 things happen or both. They were highly criticized in a min constructive manner early on. Or they were surrounded by family, social settings of adults that they themselves refused to take accountability. They do not want to take any accountability because they feel as if their worth is greatly depreciated and no longer worthy of love, respect or position. It perpetually highlights their feelings of low self worth. Avoiding these deep rooted feelings of low self worth, they blame the other person's words or actions instead of their own. For kids, creating a safe environment to fail, be wrong, not always get it right can help. Creating a reassuring environment where accountability is rewarded and praised as well. I've noticed this can work with adults as well.
Thanks for your high level work and caring Andrew! I’d like to recommend Dr. Lindsay Gibson as a future guest please. She knows a lot about adults who have emotionally immature parents.
I have an attraction to high conflict people and myself have been a high conflict victim mentality. I’m trying hard to be better and make good changes!!
I have the same. Feel bored when interact with stable girls but feel excited with a bit loco ones. Big mistake. Crazy ones end up ruining my mood, mental health, drain my energy and bring chaos into my life too. I decided to stay away from them because I don’t want to ruin my life. I need a normal girlfriend not something extraordinary
Dealing with high-conflict people can be challenging, but there are effective strategies to manage interactions and reduce tension. Here are some approaches: 1. Stay Calm and Composed: When someone is confrontational or aggressive, it's essential to keep your emotions in check. Responding with calmness can prevent the situation from escalating. Take deep breaths and maintain a neutral tone, even if the other person is angry. 2. Avoid Getting Defensive: High-conflict individuals often try to provoke a reaction. Instead of reacting defensively, listen to what they have to say without interrupting. Acknowledging their concerns, even if you disagree, can sometimes diffuse tension. 3. Set Boundaries: It's okay to set clear and firm boundaries. Let the person know what behavior is acceptable and what isn't. For example, you can say, "I understand you're upset, but I won't engage if the conversation turns disrespectful." 4. Don’t Take It Personally: High-conflict people might use harsh words or accusations, but remember, their behavior often reflects their own issues, not yours. Try not to take their words to heart. 5. Focus on the Facts, Not Emotions: High-conflict situations often involve strong emotions. Redirect the conversation to the actual issues rather than getting caught up in the drama. Focus on finding solutions or clarifying misunderstandings. 6. Use Empathy: Showing empathy can sometimes soften a high-conflict person’s stance. Try to understand where they’re coming from, even if you don’t agree. Simple phrases like "I can see why you feel that way" can help calm the conversation. 7. Know When to Walk Away: Sometimes, the best thing you can do is to end the conversation, especially if it becomes abusive or toxic. Politely but firmly end the interaction, and if necessary, remove yourself from the situation. 8. Seek Support if Needed: If you have to deal with a high-conflict person regularly, it can be draining. Don’t hesitate to seek support from friends, family, or even a professional who can provide advice and perspective on handling the situation. Using these
I haven’t watched it yet but I’m so excited! And I’m sure I’ll even realize things I can improve bc I unfortunately have the personality type that is okay with conflict and hope that I can learn things to even heal myself and improve
I appreciate all his helpful information and dedication to help disseminate valuable knowledge, wisdom and information. Note that the 0.8 - 1g of protein applies and an increase to 1.5 is usually needed for older adults (30/40 and up I would say), especially with so much processed food having been available and consumed by most or many in recent decades.
You really are an astute student of his it's very impressive ! As a fellow student, I say to you as he would aha : "Thank you for your intrest in science !"
Wonderful content here, looking forward to reading up more. Love the approach of having compassion for not having chosen to be high conflict, good to keep in mind going forward. Wondering about the cognitive and emotional mental toll of having to constantly manage HCPs given humans only have a limited amount on a daily basis before needing to recharge. If HCPs are not engaging in any behavior change and we are having to manage them, it’s an extra mental effort that can create a burnout or compassion fatigue situation. Especially if it is family from which you can’t disengage. As someone in academia managing a high support grad level program, I spend a lot of my emotional support reserves on students leaving less for HCPs in my personal life. This has me thinking about balancing both work and personal HCPs and whether to put effort into managing or find a way to disengage.
This is timely! I'm teaching a dispute resolution & negotiation seminar at Texas A&M Law School this week, and part of my course deals with the psychology of conflict. I include Bill Eddy's teachings on identifying and dealing with high-conflict people. I am linking this episode for my students to watch, just like I did with your episode with Chris Voss on negotiation. Great job!
This is such an eye opener for me. Both of my parents and some of my siblings are high conflict people to some degree. I wonder if it was genetics. I am also dating a man who has high conflict family members. Both of us aren't (as far as I know). These people aren't bad people. It's just them being them. Sometimes it's hard to navigate around them. At least now I know how to deal with them. I cannot express how grateful I am to access this information for free. I wished this was taught in school.
I always look how people drive their cars. It’s a quick way to detect core personality. If they are not following traffic rules , bluing slow drivers ect. That’s a big No . thanks for the great podcast .👍
💗So Good… such an important topic… You can tell by how many people within 24 hours ran to listen to this the minute you posted it! This has helped me immensely get clarity and greater peace regarding a situation in my life 🙏
Thank you so much for bringing this to the masses. I have several BPD family members and this was so enlightening. I shared it on my socials and sent it directly to my friends and family. What a great depiction on how to interact with difficult personalities!❤❤❤
Many western people, especially americans think that most humans outside the west live in caves. He probably couldnt show you Afghanistan on the map. Thats the result of generations infront of the television consuming mindnumbing media over years. @@MohammadArsalanSafari
@@MohammadArsalanSafari dont worry, I'm from egypt and some people think those who live in the middle east are desert people who live with no technology :)
PTSD abruptly changed my responses and eventually I became very high conflict. It's slowly getting better. It's a shame knowing the person I was and wanting to get back. I used to have better eyes and gave "hugs" energy now I'm showing all the executive functioning signs of awful adhd. This man's knowledge is very helpful to learn to control my responses, lowering my anxiety and getting to normal. Conflict personality types can be made by a mindset where they feel set against the group. It can be worked with easier than mood responses. Connected to anxiety and hypothalamus.
41:30 I essentially begged to counselors (got more confused and desperate) after trying to describe this experience and asking them for help understanding it. I felt like my body was hijacking my mind. I said my friend is an addict and "mistreats" me with their high emotions, and I can't control my response. 6 counselors and they would say abandon him, move away from here, or pushed me to do a psychiatric stay for diagnosis (obviously towards a mood disorder). I would just get worked up in counseling sessions, chat about what they cued me towards and they gave vacant stares when I asked about emotional regulation tools when dealing with conflicted people. I don't trust counselors because of this now I think the majority of them are stupid. I was gaslit in therapy to think I'm defective and incapable of a normal life. Fk some counselors they can be terrible people in their incompetence.
1:17:00 when a criminal sociopath's eyes go dark, you say "dead eyes" you can sense nothing for emotion but a dull resentful anger. Purely cognitive and conniving. You cannot reason with it or break the wall for them and get another emotion. You won't see it until they mean to hurt you.
I grew up with highly confrontational people in my house as a child. One was my mother and my sister too. I wouldn’t say they are AWAYS victims or maybe they are, but they can be over powering and aggressive with confrontation for anything they view as wrong or an injustice. My second mother is this as well. I am a sensitive and peaceful person by nature. I also learned to be quiet and observant because living with two aggressive confrontational people, I decided to greatly suppress myself out of safety. The internet and audiobooks has greatly helped me to better handle these situations or to deal with these people, but I would rather live alone then live with one of these people because my insides just can’t take the forever tightness or anxiety these people give me when I feel they are going to go off. Most of my life I learn to walk on eggshells! Even now with my second mom, in which she is sick with every disease and can’t walk well in her 50’s, but she is forever a victim. She seems to never be able to get over things, is revengeful, always right, and ALWAYS the VICTIM! She also isn’t capable of self improvement at all and our house is a prison because she has a hoarding problem. I am forever cleaning up garbage all over the house and I recently quit working for her for good as her caretaker. It is pointless and it was so draining on my life. She needs a team of professional, but it will no longer be me. I am personally tired of babysitting these types of people because I even have one at work. No wonder my goal is to work for myself after all these years of tolerating so many of these types of people. I want a life where I no longer have to walk on eggshells. I feel greatly for children who grow up with parents like this because parents are supposed to be trusted with our success in life, not destruction and these kids will have a lot of pain and work to do for themselves if they are able to really see what’s going on.
Thank you for watching. If you enjoyed this topic and episode, please click the "like" button below the episode title, and subscribe to our channel here on UA-cam. Thank you for your interest in science! -- Andrew
THANK YOU for this one! Our interpersonal and intrapersonal relationships mean everything! We need all the help and guidance we can get. 🙏🏼
I could of had continue to listen for two more hours. Topnotch, insightful information. Thanks!
Hi Andrew. I am a longtime listener/supporter of your podcast. I have implemented so many of your recommendations over the years and have seen transformative health outcomes including increased strength, happiness and weight loss. Unfortunately, I have recently discovered I have nearly insurmountable odds against me…
I would be extremely interested in an episode or series about neuromuscular diseases/disorders. I was recently diagnosed with a condition called GNE Myopathy, which essentially starts with distal weakness in the lower leg and progresses through the body over the course of about a decade or so (more or less).
I am 28 years old and am supposed to have my whole life and opportunities ahead of me. Instead, i have to accept a totally different reality - I may never be able to have a family, I will need caregivers and I may be unable to work in a decade. I am mourning the loss of a future that I will never have. I have to plan and prepare for a complete and debilitating loss of mobility before I’ve even reached middle age.
I worked extremely hard for a life and health that was never within my reach.
Now, at 28, i already struggle to walk and lift my feet. I have a wobble gait due to weakening leg and hip strength despite 5-6 days of strength training, HIIT training and mixed cardio since 2017.
I’ll lay off the emotional appeal now and say there are treatments and trials that are available internationally. There are gene therapies in the works that could give people like me a second chance at life. But they are slowed due to lack of funding and awareness.
We need to build awareness to get these things across the finish line and to give people like me more time and at least a chance of a better, if not totally normal, life.
Frankly Eddy wasn't particularly insightful given the amount of experience he has had. A little trite frankly.
I'm Andrew. I'll give you very good insight into improving your life unless you come after my wallet. I obviously don't support trump, but I need to keep this cash cow going. I want the best for you but most importantly I want the best for me. I am a coward and I want to build a guest house.
Bill Eddy's books Splitting and It's All Your Fault (1st editions) helped me successfully navigate my divorce and coparent with an HCP 17 years ago. It also helped me not end up in another relationship with an HCP. It's been so impressive how his practice and influence have expanded and helped so many people. He's genuinely one of the most influential people of my past, and I'll be forever grateful. I was so excited to see he was being interviewed by Dr. Huberman! Thank you both for pursuing your passions and helping so many!
Yes, and the suggestion to send the judge a copy was huge, albeit took some years…
This podcast is for those who want to defend themselves against high conflict people or identify and leave high conflict people. But as a mother of a high conflict son who is doing better, I think a podcast on how to help children who are like this would be valuable. This the perspective of a loving parent who won’t abandon their child.
As one of two troubled children of a single mom, who during our youth was fairly absent, I want to share that now many years later, our family is united. It took tragedy to bring us together, however now I very much appreciate my mother and respect her willingness to stick by us now. I acknowledge you for your courageous commitment to your child! So long as you take good care of yourself emotionally, your daughter will look back and thank you profusely for your patience and love. Bravo to you!
Same, would love direction to improve the situation.
People need real-life feedback to learn. Sometimes being high-conflict is from not having enough experience working with people under "high-stake" environment settings. Of course, opportunities to have those experiences is hard to gain.
My daughter has ODD. She is extremely high conflict, and very comparative with her mother. She also seems to have difficulty keeping relationships with friends and her siblings can’t stand her. I’ve read lots of jungian philosophy and it seems to be helping with her inner peace, but externally she still has moments. She’s 12 and I would love to help her and I echo this comment by @resistapathy
I second this request
This is one of the most informative podcasts from Andrew. I got married to a high conflict person with narcissistic tendencies and someone who would always deflect blame! He ended up strangling me and threatening to behead me after 5 years of marriage. I have seen consistent entitlement and victim playing in the divorce proceedings and criminal case! So grateful that I had a chance to hear this podcast ❤
Hope you are okay now ❤
Congratulations on getting out of that with your integrity 🙏🏼💗
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I know exactly how awful it is to always be manipulated and contorted into being the "problem", when the person's behavior and responses are completely erratic.
@@CalmBeforeTheStorm76 relateable* Beloveds, please note that these individuals are likely traumatized and need help and yes stay away from them if it isn't safe and you can't help them and hope and pray they get help or send help to them from qualified professionals. Most are also on the Autism Spectrum and were traumatized, not having been able to be taught and learn healthy coping and how to understand their emotions. 💖🙏🕊 I know some of these people. Have met many of them.
Dr Huberman, you are A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. The depth that you go into while understanding the point of view of your interviewee is unfathomable. Thoroughly enjoy your work, absolutely magnificent.
I'm also a high conflict person. I always wondered why I chose that path after any altercation because it seldom brings me any good result. Of course, I worked hard to change, and I did for the most part. But my default will always be there, I learned not to trust my feelings, I have to be rational about it. The basis of this is in childhood trauma, which is the cause but, obviously, not an excuse.
it’s a mark of high character to have this level of self assessment
@ericp1030 What a nice remark. Thank you!
You've achieved what few others have, with your self-reflection and sense of accountability.
maybe you are or maybe not. There are many nuances in any kind of conflicts, it is not high conflict if you are setting your boundary, but if you are causing harm to others when it is uncalled for, then you are right about yourself.
I sympathize with your burden.I believe in the power of grace. Praying to the Lord will definitely heal that.
This guest was fantastic! You should have him back. As a teacher I ( and my colleagues) have to put up with abuse from horribly high conflict parents, and this was very useful.
Be aware of patterns of behavior and adjust yourself, not judge. They are who they are. That’s a beautiful way to see things. 🙏thank you
They are who they are?!!! And they will be glad to use that excuse all day long. Don't change who you are for bad ACTORS. That is the definition of emotional abuse. Avoid!! Yes, no, okay... that's just how it is and the way we are... yes, okay....you need not judge the person however you need to be able to assess the motives and behavior and make a judgement accordingly.
We live in separate rooms in the same house. Every morning, opening my door is the biggest challenge for me because I never know what to expect. The first few weeks were especially hard to handle; her emotions were on and off. I feel the energy transfer in my body, sometimes rising up to my brain and causing headaches.
To cope with this situation, I engage in a lot of self-talk, analyze my emotions and thoughts, and focus on my breathing. I exercise regularly and have returned to my healthy eating habits. I also read and listen to podcasts to build my emotional intelligence (EQ). Dealing with people like this is a lot, especially when I also have school, work, and personal goals to focus on. Managing all of this requires a great deal of mental strength and resilience. Even so, lately, I’ve been sleeping with my brain still feeling awake.
Thank you Andrew for more knowledge.
I feel your pain. You're not alone and on the right track!
I lived like that for years. I've been out of it for the past 4 years, and my poor brain and body are recovering.
Who is this person to you? A family member, roommate or partner/spouse? Life is too short to live like that for long.
Get out! Whatever it takes leave!
so relatable! please note that these individuals are likely traumatized and need help and yes stay away from them if you cannot help them or deal with them for your wellbeing and hope and pray they get help or send help to them from qualified professionals. Most are also on the Autism Spectrum and were traumatized, not having been able to be taught and learn healthy coping and how to understand their emotions. 💖🙏🕊 I know some of these people, they're my family. Have met many of them outside of my family.
As a nurse and In my personal experiemce and opinion, law enforcement is also high conflict. I've deen it pervasive in my 15+ yrs of being embedded in that culture via significant others. Great show Dr Huberman. Wonderful guest.
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, steve_porassss_. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place.
Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac.
He's constantly talking about killing someone.
He's violent. Anyone reading this
Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Is he on instagram?
Yes he is Steve_porassss_
I grew up in a high conflict family with parents who do not model how to resolve conflict. I fell into the “low self esteem and easily coerced” category by being too agreeable until pushed past my limits. What I’ve learned is to say NO often and have firm boundaries, nor avoid conflict, and realize it’s an opportunity to talk things through with those who I care about and care about me. I’ve also learned to let people go who do not care to resolve conflict. I can still have unrealistic expectations and high standards but I am now reasonable and show grace. Conflict resolution is key.
so relatable! thank you for sharing, we neeed a club for all of us in this same boat.
I had to separate from a friend this year. Very hard. I loved my friend very deeply but she was so attracted to chaos and self destruction that it was emotionally and spiritually unsafe being around her. I had to tell her we needed to separate permanently because I needed to protect myself. It felt like a death and it was painful but I had to do it.
That’s really a hard thing to do. Almost as hard as a romantic breakup. Sometimes worse.
Same thing here, i would get severe eczema on my skin because she would stress me out and i realised she had to go. Sometimes it's just necessary to get rid of people and close some doors and trust the process. Also i am sorry for the hardship you have to go through but with time it gets easier. I am now three years free from toxicity.
God bless y’all for having strength.
Ahhh same - few actually!! Same sentiments! 🥹🥹Feel sorry for them; how broken they are… but can’t help someone who doesn’t want to change and grow.
Good job.
The discussion about the negative advocates, who believed the family member who was a skilled liar, but they did not have the full information, was really fascinating. And the statements about the "contagious" emotions was equally fascinating and reminds me of a current political situation and explains a lot.
In the world of narcissistic personality disorder parlance, the negative advocates are referred to as "flying monkeys". As in the creatures the wicked witch in The Wizard of Oz dispatched to do her bidding. It's apt because those people tend to come on really strong in the name of defending that person.
Thinking of them as "low information people" actually helps me to grasp the idea better.
NGL I've cried watching this, being super thankful for Bill's heartful, compassionate approach. I've got to realize the very same approach, although it was still enshrouded in painful emotions associated with such a tough relationship. This confirmation, that it's about being intelligent in how we manage high conflict people, all while loving and respecting them, is a Lord's blessing to me right now.
Fantastic podcast, thank you from New Zealand, your podcasts are a gift to humanity.
Bill Eddy is wonderful - as I came from a high conflict family, it was easy to pick up these traits. Now older & wiser, I am always interested in becoming very aware of theses traits in myself and aware of how to treat others with high conflict behaviors - he has empathy for these type of people. Thank you for this topic.
His resume is quite impressive and offers a unique point of view in the matter. I'm all ears!
I actually was blown away by the fact that he could have suck a pedigree. As Huberman calls them, he truly is a *phenom* .
Really needed this before the holiday season
Listen 👂🏾💯💯 #agree
Hahahah family gatherings are close 😂
Nah facts though xD
Bahahahaha ❤
Beat me to it 😂
On Monday when I saw this, I said to myself I don't need to watch. Was I wrong!!! One of the best ever!!! Thank you❤
I was just discussing HCP with a child who was recently diagnosed with BPD. I’m so grateful to live in a time where there’s information about these disorders that help their loved ones understand them.
Negative people are like tornados, They go around circles and destroy everything they come in contact with.
So true. Exhausting.
Then they blame you for making them angry
@@glynroberts1128 bang on the money there brother, Its because the lack self and love to play the victim card . I'm making video on this soon. hope have a good week and stay clear of tornadoes
I was raised by a high conflict mother and now married to such man. I love them both and have great relationships with them. Especially with my husband, we are a great team as we both do our best to understand each other and support one another even in crisis. Looking forward to hearing more from two of you in this conversation. Thank you for choosing such specific topic.
You know it’s a brilliant conversation when you don’t have time to listen, but you also can’t stop. I find alot of these conversations are like that. Always fascinating, expansive and memorable. Looking forward to sitting down with this one.
this was so good! Bill's point that those with personality disorders seem to get stuck on the five stages of grief was so relevant! I have also noticed they can struggle with and get stuck on the five stages on any topic, big or small. Frequently can't get past denial and anger regardless of how small a disappointment. Took a long time with a family member to see the pattern and not internalize it.
That’s an insightful observation 👌🏿👌🏿
Dear dear Dr. Huberman, I genuinely love that you simultaneously inspire me and put me to sleep. (Don't laught, I know it is strange). You obviously have a good team working with you (it is possible that it is your support team I actually love), you introduce a wide range of guests you yourself are learning from, which tells me about your perception of reality and openness to investigate it. Now, I still have to do my own thinking, feeling and solving, but there are guidelines your videos provide that help me. You seem to be in some sort of personal crisis since you are very open and thourough in your investigation and that humility (of openness) is like a loadstone, very attractive. Forgive my honesty.
I loved this episode. Very good analysis and very useful protocols by Bill Eddy. If you ask me, I always had the idea, that there are no bad people out there. There is only bad behaviour. People have reasons, for their bad behaviour, which 99% of the time have nothing to do with oneself. With that idea, it's relatively easy to react properly. But his protocols are hands on. Thanks Andrew and Bill.
The key in what was discussed is observing how they take outcomes of their behavior. Self reflection. Self awareness. If you see no evidence of this, and instead see the person stuck almost as if they have a blind spot to themselves, then the only solution is to cut contact. If kids are involved you will need to really strategize how to communicate to mitigate the damage.
This was a great way to understand patience. Understanding we are all not built to fit with one another perfectly. Learning to adapt to people, family, friends, and coworkers helped me find my own peace. I stayed away when I felt I needed to.
Loved Bill Eddy and how he explained these behaviors as clear as an X-ray.❤
Makes you reflect on your own behavior
Great comment. That’s also the reason I’m watching too.
His “five types of people” book was really good. Made me reflect on my own behavior and how I sometimes contribute to conflict. This guy is good at his job.
Right?! Dealing with an oblivious narcissist (sorry, I'm going to label them because they are) really makes me stop and ask myself, "am I oblivious to damaging tendencies in words or behaviors?" 😳
100%
Yeah, unfortunately I don't think it makes some of the perpetrators do so, more the victims of them!
Keep your eyes open with relationships. People can change, you can change. ALWAYS have the financial and emotional ability to leave a relationship. Develop your work skills so that you have the ability to leave a job with an abusive boss. When you share your proactive approach to your job and your partner reacts with anger or fear....they are realizing that you aren't afraid to leave them either. Time to run!
Right... I've deleted about 3 comments now where by I think I am just going to leave a comment when I've watched all of this. I've got to 39:47 and I've cracked. This video is almost beyond words in how helpful it is. Dear god even writing this there is more I can relate to (the video is playing as I am writing this).
Genuinely so grateful to everyone who was/is involved in being able to share this. Really and truly thank you.
Finally watched all of it.... again super grateful for this. Speaking as someone who hates conflict the idea you can somewhat navigate certain situations in a manner that feels far less negatively charged is honestly quite a relief. Who knows how much success it'll have but for sure I'll look more into these techniques because not only may it benefit myself but also those who I am dealing with too.
As somebody who has to coparent with a very high conflict person, I’m only eight minutes into this episode and I’ve never felt so seen and heard in my adult life.
Sending much love.
Faithful watcher of your podcast here, first time commenting.
I feel like I'm in a twilight zone, I'm going through a nasty custody battle/divorce. This episode gave me hope and made me feel not alone.
I've been accused of terrible things, without proof, had my kids taken away, I have supervised visits, etc... almost exactly what you were discussing. The process has been ongoing for 5 MONTHS!! I only get to see my kids 2 days out of every 2 weeks... they are age 3 and 4. They don't understand why they can't see me, hell... I can't understand why I can't see them. Family court is BROKEN!!
Anyway, thank you for doing what you do.
Hey! Hang in there. 5 months is only the beginning. This will likely go on for years. Two days out of fourteen is better than nothing. Make the two days count. Make them joyful. Behave with honour. Resist the temptation to become resentful. In time, the bs will dissipate, truth, honour and decent will prevail.
Keep the faith and don’t just roll over. Get a good lawyer who will fight back. Family court heavily leans towards the mother, especially if she has a good attorney and there’s no signs of abuse or neglect. Don’t sit around and wait for the judge to decide where you are left with very little to no parental rights and paying tons of child support/alimony. Don’t hide money, don’t roll over and placate. Be honest. I’ve seen this happen multiple times to men going through a divorce who don’t handle it and they get screwed.
Thought I would fall out of my chair when I heard him say he has not heard of female online bullying groups; even though he walked that back a little. I can tell you about quite a few experiences my teenage girls have had to confront with social media bullying. They definitely find each other and attack.
sadly, i have women in their 30;s, 40's on up participating in online bullying me.
This content is truly a game changer for anyone navigating difficult relationships - personally or professionally. Thank you both for sharing these essential tools to approach conflict with empathy and clarity!
Once again my jaw is on the floor with the information I've learned right now. 30 years of life walking around blind. My eyes are opened again thankyou huberman ❤
Thank you both! Please consider presenting on family systems, enmeshment, and childhood trauma. WE all need so much guidance. It seems everything is rooted in our childhood attachments to our parents, and when we become lovers, and then parents, we try to resolve our wounds with the other person.
Thank you professor Andrew for helping us changing our lives and making our understanding better.
Thank you, Dr. Huberman for having Mr. Eddy. LEARNED ALOT.
This episode was priceless.
If I only had these insights 15 years ago...
The thing is, that at least with the high conflict person I'm dealing with, setting borders only brings more conflict or disconnect. And since I am in the situation of needing communication with this person more than she does with me, that's a trap I have to avoid.
Dear Dr Andrew Huberman, thank you so much for yet another great topic and discussion. Your podcast is like life coaching.
So much to learn and takeaway to better our "one take" in life.
Bill Eddy is my favorite guest of yours so far-- very enlightening.
I'm someone who’s got a pretty intense, high-conflict personality. Every day, I’m just trying to be a decent person-or at least not a terrible one. Honestly, it's the hardest thing for me, fighting that urge to be a little less harsh and to keep hold of my humanity.
It really messes me up when I end up hurting someone again. I cry a lot after these moments, like it’s some kind of curse being this way.
Self awareness of this problems makes it even harder to fight
At least you are able to self reflect and that's a good start in being a good person
How does awareness of your problem make it harder to fight?
@@Keyfaze I can't answer for him but I can for me.
Being aware that you make others suffer and that you sort of don't know how, why and how to stop :
*Increases your self directed sense of shame and guilt.*
Wich in turn, makes you even more angry at yourself, wich ends up being re-directed in the world, to others.
Please my man, I suggest you see a licensed therapist.
If you don't, at least consider listening to the episode of the Hub lab :
- Asses your Mental Health, with Paul Conti
- Relationships with Paul Conti.
@@funygameur Thanks man, I mostly agree!!!
For me, it’s not about anger, it’s this fear of losing what I have in life (we all are living in society)
Shame - not sure. Maybe. At least it is very very hard to label feelings and emotions.
I see a therapist from time to time and have been working on myself for a long time. At this point, it feels like self-research, using analytical methods from psychology
Every time I solve one issue, a new one-or several-pops up, and I start seeing my past in a different light
I don’t know why such bad people like me exist, but I’ve come to think of it like a periodic table of personalities
We’re all here, each a little different
And honestly, the same question applies to good people: why do they exist, and why are they the way they are?
My antisocial behaviour is not my only issue, i have phobias, PTSD and some minor illnesses. I think they all are connected.
@@funygameur When you feel yourself starting to get triggered, get out of the situation and let the chemicals (cortisol? adrenaline?) naturally work their way out of your system. If you are like my daughter, 20 minutes is good. Then sometimes it helps to communicate by texting because then the tone or body language of the other person won't trigger you. My daughter also went to therapy which helped a lot. Ands she does hot yoga with a supportive group which also helps a lot. Plus she has ADHD meds. ADHD is associated with emotional dysregulation. Those meds are known for helping focus, but she emotional feels better on them. Look into whether your blood sugar goes up and down because low blood sugar gives the hangry feeling. If you are sleepy after carbs, you probably are prone to a blood sugar roller coaster. Last but not least, add a loving pet on top of it all. Golden Retrievers are the best.
I can’t express in words how thankful I’m for what these beautiful people have discovered for themselves and bringing it to young minds like us and helping us not ruin our lives for someone’s undiagnosed mental illness.
Love and loved it. It tells almost all about the importance of people finding ground - professionals or patients, lovers/spouses, freinds, neighbors, family or foes. Humans are complex, nuanced creatures. Thanks, all 🤩
💗🙏 I Cannot even begin to express how incredibly elucidating and helpful this has been! From so many angles! Thank you!
This is EXACTLY what happened to me! He asked me to move in with him and he became someone I did not even recognize. I left him and learnee valuable lessons!
Oh my goodness. I seriously had this conversation with someone recently. About people portraying to be something they are not. And once you marry them you find out that they aren’t the person they claim to be. It’s so important to have discernment ❤❤❤
I’ve learned so much from this guy. Even the people he invites to podcasts, though he understands, he translates or dumbs it down to your everyday audience. This is what separates him from most knowledgeable people.
Thank you so much for sharing so precious tools to deal with high conflict people. I’m from Brazil, regardless the country, the behavior is the same and it is a challenge to deal with them. I’m going to put in practice those tools.
Holy shit, dr huberman! My algorithm has not shown me a lot of your videos recently but this one popped up. Just when I needed it the most. I have a 21 year old son who I believe has a high conflict, paranoid personality disorder. He was diagnosed as bipolar a year and a half ago. He has hi-jacked my family’s life with issues since his hospitalization and subsequent diagnosis. Me and my wife are really trying to figure this out. 27 minutes in and it’s clear that he shares so many of these traits y’all are mentioning.
That's interesting because I'm a 22 year old who believes their mother is likely a high conflict individual, and I also got a lot out of this episode.
@@FarmerClarenceI hope the best for you and your mother. Unfortunately we are in a position where the person is a close family member. So we can’t necessarily just disengage and remove them from our lives. For one reason or another. Learn as much as you can about her and her issues. The more you know , the more prepared you will be for the unexpected. God bless and good luck.
Yeah. That's not how diagnosis works. The fact you feel that way about a 22 year old demonstrates you likely have massive issues, maybe they to do. The apples doesn't fall far from the tree. Your entire response was you acting an absolute victim. sounds to me like you have a personality disorder
Same here
One of the best! Practical tips, complex topics explained to understand, your back and forth conversation and stories made it real! Thank you for sharing ❤️
My favorite podcast full of knowledge.
My goodness, that is so true.
I realise how easy it is to get caught up in and drawn into taking sides in a friend's marriage break-up.
Thank you, Andrew, for the brilliant podcasts.
Good Morning Everyone ☀️ have a great day !!! Thank You 🙏 Dr.Huberman for all your podcasts
This podcast and Bill Eddy came at a time that was spot on. Excellent program. I learned a lot.
its hard to have peace with everyone because some people just create conflict. I hope this podcast opens my eyes about resolutions.
As a law student and future attorney (interested in family law and ADR), this is so helpful. Thank you!
Such a great podcast - thank you Andrew for doing this one - this stuff is so vitally important, such super useful practical guidance for those of us who have learned the hard way that failing to adequately discern that someone actually is a high conflict person before having a kid with that person or hiring that person or deciding to work for that person or whatever brings on a whole host of super challenging, recurring, exhausting, repetitive problems for very long periods of time until you're able to either move away from that person or inoculate yourself from that person
Love this! From the parental estrangement standpoint, what if your parents are the high conflict people that you want to distance yourself from? For your own mental wellbeing.
Completely relate! I simply stopped all communication with my Mother, but there was a big life event that provided a clean break. Doing it gradually and without a catalyst would be so hard. Rooting for you!
Thank you Dr. Huberman for choosing such a brilliant teacher and getting into depth with this topic. This was one of your best interviews so far! All that Bill described and explained so explicitly seemed to me a profile pattern of what is going wrong in the whole of our humanity. Although the wording "genetic tendencies" could in my opinion better be described as imprints, since we nowadays know that our genes are transformationable, these tools Bill has researched I will definitely pass on to friends and clients. > PS: I think we wouldn't have so many personality disorders if we were accelerating the tools for healing trauma. In my heart I feel that to be the root of all problems. Please make an episode on trauma!?
Keep up the wonderful work Andrew, and please come to Berlin. Big ❤
Thank you Dr. Huberman, team, sponsors and supporters. THANK YOU BILL EDDY.☀
I like your style of explanation and content in it, and your one video is almost all equal to reading one whole book. Great. Student from India.
Most if not all of these podcasts are insanely interesting but this one is sooo good. I’m enthralled
Dr. Huberman, please do a podcast on Potassium and effect on blood pressure. The literature seems to suggest a modest reduction in BP from increased dietary or supplemental potassium, however, I have experienced a much more significant reduction-far greater than prescription BP meds claim by taking about 3000 mg per day based on literature that indicates most people get less than half the daily recommended amount of 4700 mg. Systolic pressure now is consistently 120 or below. Previously it routinely was 150 with occasional spikes to 175.
I still struggle with some high conflict people in my family. This was enlightening. What I would add: 1. learning to be very patient with high conflict people 2. Sometimes you'll find yourself in a sort of "stale mate" and will have to regroup and try again in a different time.
On the social media topic… I have started to wonder if our ‘downtime’ is being diminished in our day-to-day lives. Downtime where our brain would normally be forced to think. It seems now that downtime has been taken over by continuous scrolling and stimulation. We simply do not sit and think as much as we used to.
Yes, when saying prayers, I might relax or fall asleep listening to others saying prayers or I might reflect on my behaviour. We do need a regular access to the Reflection space, even if we reflect when swimming or walking or knitting ...
This is my perspective and answer for 2:16:33 Bills question. Question; why with people with personality disorder and high conflict people? I study Social services and we read and write a lot of papers about behavior. I would study these individuals childhood especially through attachment theory, maybe many of the case examples have an unsecure avoidant attachment style, this could explain why they don't share common stages of emotions. If we would look deeper i belive we would see different emotional phases, maybe delayd or in an odd way, (backwards). I want to express my gratitude For this podcast episode! It was a really interesting topic and gave me rapidly new ideas and theories for behavior or humans! I'm really fortunate to have access to this information! You are a blessing Andrew Huberman, I idolize you! Your ability to listen actively and rapidly mirroring questions for finding the common ground is astonishing! and of course the whole team working with you! (You inspired me to write more and dive deeper in the science of my own study! Bill Eddy you have been such an awesome quest, i love your way of communicating! You have an amazing voice and phase of speech which is easy to listen to! Ps, about the topic, These unfortunate souls who don't have important tools to deal with strong emotions, impulse control, regulation of their nervous system (Polyvagal theory (PVT) are lost on their own with non affective tools.
I felt this was extremely helpful. In the dating world & meeting many personalities so this helps me with my dating discernment
Oh wow! Thank you Dr. Huberman for this informative episode,
As someone who is on the path of personal development, self awareness and spiritual growth, I feel confused at times as to how to interact with others specifically family.
I can’t push away everybody out of my life.
I will definitely look into his book.
Again thank you!!❤
great advice, tips and wonderful conversation. Thanks so much for sharing your wisdom that is so needed in society
THANK YOU! I recently discovered in the past few years that I have been surrounded by and share some of these characteristics. Never too late to learn about yourself and how to deal with these characteristics when they show up. I almost did not listen due to length. Very good interview and information. Best
I love how intently Andrew is listening, especially about the first year rule 😆
I thoroughly enjoyed ALL of this.
My family and I have had to deal with someone who has been diagnosed with histrionic personality disorder.
It’s been HELL for us but even more damaging to our child.
While I feel for these ppl who struggle with mental health issues, children matter much more to me as in preventing more innocent bystanders from being hurt.
I stress that children are not protected enough from high conflict ppl and it is extremely damaging.
You can’t get your childhood back.
I've observed, most people who avoid accountability, that often blame others, typically in childhood had 1 of 2 things happen or both. They were highly criticized in a min constructive manner early on. Or they were surrounded by family, social settings of adults that they themselves refused to take accountability.
They do not want to take any accountability because they feel as if their worth is greatly depreciated and no longer worthy of love, respect or position. It perpetually highlights their feelings of low self worth. Avoiding these deep rooted feelings of low self worth, they blame the other person's words or actions instead of their own.
For kids, creating a safe environment to fail, be wrong, not always get it right can help. Creating a reassuring environment where accountability is rewarded and praised as well. I've noticed this can work with adults as well.
One of the best channels on UA-cam
Wow such an insight.
This is one of my top 2 favorite podcast episodes of all time. Thank you for having this discussion and sharing the information.
Omg!! I so needed this today. Thank you a thousand times.❤
Thanks for your high level work and caring Andrew! I’d like to recommend Dr. Lindsay Gibson as a future guest please. She knows a lot about adults who have emotionally immature parents.
I have an attraction to high conflict people and myself have been a high conflict victim mentality. I’m trying hard to be better and make good changes!!
I have the same. Feel bored when interact with stable girls but feel excited with a bit loco ones. Big mistake. Crazy ones end up ruining my mood, mental health, drain my energy and bring chaos into my life too. I decided to stay away from them because I don’t want to ruin my life. I need a normal girlfriend not something extraordinary
I’ve listened twice, taken notes, and shared this with several people already! Thank you both, this knowledge is going to really help me.
Can you please share your notes here 😊
Such a practical, useful and very informative podcast.
Dealing with high-conflict people can be challenging, but there are effective strategies to manage interactions and reduce tension. Here are some approaches:
1. Stay Calm and Composed: When someone is confrontational or aggressive, it's essential to keep your emotions in check. Responding with calmness can prevent the situation from escalating. Take deep breaths and maintain a neutral tone, even if the other person is angry.
2. Avoid Getting Defensive: High-conflict individuals often try to provoke a reaction. Instead of reacting defensively, listen to what they have to say without interrupting. Acknowledging their concerns, even if you disagree, can sometimes diffuse tension.
3. Set Boundaries: It's okay to set clear and firm boundaries. Let the person know what behavior is acceptable and what isn't. For example, you can say, "I understand you're upset, but I won't engage if the conversation turns disrespectful."
4. Don’t Take It Personally: High-conflict people might use harsh words or accusations, but remember, their behavior often reflects their own issues, not yours. Try not to take their words to heart.
5. Focus on the Facts, Not Emotions: High-conflict situations often involve strong emotions. Redirect the conversation to the actual issues rather than getting caught up in the drama. Focus on finding solutions or clarifying misunderstandings.
6. Use Empathy: Showing empathy can sometimes soften a high-conflict person’s stance. Try to understand where they’re coming from, even if you don’t agree. Simple phrases like "I can see why you feel that way" can help calm the conversation.
7. Know When to Walk Away: Sometimes, the best thing you can do is to end the conversation, especially if it becomes abusive or toxic. Politely but firmly end the interaction, and if necessary, remove yourself from the situation.
8. Seek Support if Needed: If you have to deal with a high-conflict person regularly, it can be draining. Don’t hesitate to seek support from friends, family, or even a professional who can provide advice and perspective on handling the situation.
Using these
oh this is a good list, thanks mate
Great check list!
I haven’t watched it yet but I’m so excited! And I’m sure I’ll even realize things I can improve bc I unfortunately have the personality type that is okay with conflict and hope that I can learn things to even heal myself and improve
I appreciate all his helpful information and dedication to help disseminate valuable knowledge, wisdom and information. Note that the 0.8 - 1g of protein applies and an increase to 1.5 is usually needed for older adults (30/40 and up I would say), especially with so much processed food having been available and consumed by most or many in recent decades.
¡Hola Profe!Just wanted to express my gratitude for education You bring us every week.Thank You for Your hard work and care for all of us.
You really are an astute student of his it's very impressive !
As a fellow student, I say to you as he would aha :
"Thank you for your intrest in science !"
Wonderful content here, looking forward to reading up more. Love the approach of having compassion for not having chosen to be high conflict, good to keep in mind going forward.
Wondering about the cognitive and emotional mental toll of having to constantly manage HCPs given humans only have a limited amount on a daily basis before needing to recharge. If HCPs are not engaging in any behavior change and we are having to manage them, it’s an extra mental effort that can create a burnout or compassion fatigue situation. Especially if it is family from which you can’t disengage.
As someone in academia managing a high support grad level program, I spend a lot of my emotional support reserves on students leaving less for HCPs in my personal life. This has me thinking about balancing both work and personal HCPs and whether to put effort into managing or find a way to disengage.
As a high conflict person, cool topic, I'm very interested.
This is timely! I'm teaching a dispute resolution & negotiation seminar at Texas A&M Law School this week, and part of my course deals with the psychology of conflict. I include Bill Eddy's teachings on identifying and dealing with high-conflict people. I am linking this episode for my students to watch, just like I did with your episode with Chris Voss on negotiation. Great job!
The insight on bullies was spot on!
This is such an eye opener for me. Both of my parents and some of my siblings are high conflict people to some degree. I wonder if it was genetics. I am also dating a man who has high conflict family members. Both of us aren't (as far as I know). These people aren't bad people. It's just them being them. Sometimes it's hard to navigate around them. At least now I know how to deal with them. I cannot express how grateful I am to access this information for free. I wished this was taught in school.
I always look how people drive their cars. It’s a quick way to detect core personality. If they are not following traffic rules , bluing slow drivers ect. That’s a big No .
thanks for the great podcast .👍
💗So Good… such an important topic… You can tell by how many people within 24 hours ran to listen to this the minute you posted it! This has helped me immensely get clarity and greater peace regarding a situation in my life 🙏
I have not started listening, my sense is that this is going to be a good one. Right up there with the Paul Conti episodes.
Thank you so much for bringing this to the masses. I have several BPD family members and this was so enlightening. I shared it on my socials and sent it directly to my friends and family. What a great depiction on how to interact with difficult personalities!❤❤❤
Dr Huber Man Big Fan from AFGHANISTAN 🇦🇫 ❤❤❤
How do you have internet?
@@FringeWizard2 what do you mean ???
Many western people, especially americans think that most humans outside the west live in caves. He probably couldnt show you Afghanistan on the map.
Thats the result of generations infront of the television consuming mindnumbing media over years. @@MohammadArsalanSafari
@@MohammadArsalanSafari dont worry, I'm from egypt and some people think those who live in the middle east are desert people who live with no technology :)
@@GardenYourHeart98 😎
It is so interesting and so useful for me ! Thank you very much ! I m a medical doctor and I appreciate what you do !
PTSD abruptly changed my responses and eventually I became very high conflict. It's slowly getting better. It's a shame knowing the person I was and wanting to get back. I used to have better eyes and gave "hugs" energy now I'm showing all the executive functioning signs of awful adhd.
This man's knowledge is very helpful to learn to control my responses, lowering my anxiety and getting to normal. Conflict personality types can be made by a mindset where they feel set against the group. It can be worked with easier than mood responses. Connected to anxiety and hypothalamus.
41:00
41:30 I essentially begged to counselors (got more confused and desperate) after trying to describe this experience and asking them for help understanding it. I felt like my body was hijacking my mind. I said my friend is an addict and "mistreats" me with their high emotions, and I can't control my response. 6 counselors and they would say abandon him, move away from here, or pushed me to do a psychiatric stay for diagnosis (obviously towards a mood disorder).
I would just get worked up in counseling sessions, chat about what they cued me towards and they gave vacant stares when I asked about emotional regulation tools when dealing with conflicted people.
I don't trust counselors because of this now I think the majority of them are stupid. I was gaslit in therapy to think I'm defective and incapable of a normal life. Fk some counselors they can be terrible people in their incompetence.
1:17:00 when a criminal sociopath's eyes go dark, you say "dead eyes" you can sense nothing for emotion but a dull resentful anger. Purely cognitive and conniving. You cannot reason with it or break the wall for them and get another emotion. You won't see it until they mean to hurt you.
I grew up with highly confrontational people in my house as a child. One was my mother and my sister too. I wouldn’t say they are AWAYS victims or maybe they are, but they can be over powering and aggressive with confrontation for anything they view as wrong or an injustice. My second mother is this as well.
I am a sensitive and peaceful person by nature. I also learned to be quiet and observant because living with two aggressive confrontational people, I decided to greatly suppress myself out of safety.
The internet and audiobooks has greatly helped me to better handle these situations or to deal with these people, but I would rather live alone then live with one of these people because my insides just can’t take the forever tightness or anxiety these people give me when I feel they are going to go off.
Most of my life I learn to walk on eggshells!
Even now with my second mom, in which she is sick with every disease and can’t walk well in her 50’s, but she is forever a victim. She seems to never be able to get over things, is revengeful, always right, and ALWAYS the VICTIM! She also isn’t capable of self improvement at all and our house is a prison because she has a hoarding problem.
I am forever cleaning up garbage all over the house and I recently quit working for her for good as her caretaker. It is pointless and it was so draining on my life. She needs a team of professional, but it will no longer be me.
I am personally tired of babysitting these types of people because I even have one at work. No wonder my goal is to work for myself after all these years of tolerating so many of these types of people. I want a life where I no longer have to walk on eggshells.
I feel greatly for children who grow up with parents like this because parents are supposed to be trusted with our success in life, not destruction and these kids will have a lot of pain and work to do for themselves if they are able to really see what’s going on.