Dismissive Avoidant Breakup | Why Dismissive Avoidant Acts So Cold!
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Dismissive Avoidant Breakup | Why do dismissive-avoidant attachment partners act so cold at the end of the relationship? Does that mean that your avoidant partner never cared about you or loved you? The anxious-avoidant relationship can be almost like a mystery. Two very different people trying to understand each other. Understand the coldness and the anxious preoccupied and dismissive-avoidant relationship by watching this video.
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So, a guy respect your autonamy and your space for not wanting to be with him and you say he is mistreating you for not been some psycho stalker that gaslight you and threaten to kill you for not been with him? WTF?
Are you a mountain person or a beach person?
Great video
@@shaeb2315 thank you!
@@Ryansara/ do you like to sky dive, or do you prefer underwater exploration ?
Also, let’s get real. Look even just in the comments… even securely attached people get triggered by the DA’s lack of empathy and stonewalling.
FACTS. A DA will make any secure person insecure while in the relationship/breakup.
How can anyone not get triggered after “falling in love” by their partner devaluing, discarding, breadcrumbing, radio silence, ghosting, lack of closure, mixed signals and extreme change in communication and behavior?
Their behavior is extremely unhealthy and toxic, even to the most secure individuals. I’m trying not to take it personally, but I don’t care how secure anyone says they are - it’s a huge hit to the self esteem to be thrown away by a DA partner you we’re invested in.
@@hmanfilms cannot agree more to what you just said. DA's will bring out the anxiousness in even the most secure individuals. its basically covert emotional abuse at its finest.
Yup. For some reason it feels like often securely attached people are framed as untouchable stoics who handle everything with perfect knowledge.
The strange feeling of something "missing" with a DA gave me anxiety and bad dreams, I couldn't place what was off though. I noticed I was becoming unusually anxious but had no reason to be on the surface, so I brushed all that aside.
Now I am just confused and trying to stop my anxiety and self-gaslighting, after being dumped over text out of the blue since he just realised he was "lying to himself about being in love with me..."
He apparently still cared for me, but not enough to grant me at least a break-up phone call (long-distance relationship).
Total facts
@@hmanfilms this is me right now. It's mind blowing and you just can't comprehend it. The support and love invested and pushed away like you are nothing. It's absolutely devastating 💔 😢
I have two words...
AVOID THEM
Truuuuuueeee dat.
You don't truly find out out till they trick you into a relationship
@@fleecejohnson6939 maybe look at their relationship history?
@@DD-iq8tq how the hell you supposed to do that? They ain't gonna openly tell you their bs duh
@@fleecejohnson6939 'trick' implies they are fully aware of what they are doing... they do not.
This hurts so bad. I was nothing but kind to him. He just turned on me in a second.
I’m so sorry 😞 I’m going through this now. Treated him so good, sweet it hurts
Same here…..
I am too. Because I remain without my child as well
Same here my ex dropped me
She said everything that made me believe she would fight for our relationship, and then the first sign of conflict, that didn’t have anything to do with me btw, she bails.
The coldness is so sharp because of how warm she was to begin with. 😢
Yes
Japp
My question is why are they even dating and trying to get a partner? They need to work on themselves and get healed so they’re not hurting other people.
validation mate, but sooner or later u dont provide anything, and u r not a shiny trophy no more and wont be able to give a boost. I belive they arent even aware
All of the insecure attachment styles; they all hurt each other, only some know how to express it and the others push their pain down inside instead of showing them to everybody. It's from having been deeply humiliated in the past. Anxious style people have never been through that humiliation so they express their feelings openly. At the same time I respect that they can be so courageous and free just exposing their emotions, but at the same time it'd be nice they were less hating, less critical, less in the way of looking for a vulnerable spot in the other person (DA) just to strike into there as hard as possible with sharp words then either laugh afterwards at their pain, or say hey find your spine can't you speak up for yourself? what's wrong with you just shutting down? Goes both ways folks.
I totally agree with you💪
100000%
My partner stonewalled me into the end of our relationship. I asked him to call me more often and told him I wanted to fix things with him and he stonewalled me for weeks and I felt forced to end it because he just wouldn't participate in our relationship. I'm so angry and it's so hard not to personalize it. It's hard for me to show empathy for his issues when he abandoned me. Thanks for the video.
Sorry I get it! Stonewalling behavior is so painful. Can make you feel invisible, worthless, if you aren’t strong in self. Hanging onto own reality and seeing the behavior as theirs can help to not personalize it. You can empathize AND see that it is not something you are okay with (nor should you be). Someone else’s pathology is on them! So it’s this fine line of empathizing, understanding where their pathology comes from and NOT projecting our own empathy onto them aka expecting them to behave the way we would, in a healthy communicative manner.
You certainly don't have to empathize with someone who didn't show up for you consistently. Sometimes compassion comes much later... and often after the relationship. It's likely more important for you to have compassion for yourself, first.
My x did the exact thing and ur right it's so hard not to take it personal .
Wow, my ex did the same thing. Stonewalled me for 3 weeks, I also tried to resolve conflicts and no effort from his part. I had no other choice but to end things for good.
Same happened to me recently as well 💔
How can they be so consistent about ghosting people when they are being told many times to stop ghosting. You can never change a person. Love yourself and walk away! Life is too short for involving with A DA
I cannot reconcile it or blocking.
Amen 🙏
I was emotionally neglected as a child. Always on my own, my feelings never mattered. I felt invisible and alone. As an adult, I dont treat people like shit the way avoidants do. I am curious when my partner is upset, I see the value in connection through conflict. I maintain contact and understanding with my partner. I've even told a partner "I think we need air to breathe, I love you, I want us to talk but right now we both need to cool off and talk when we can be loving towards one another." People who are avoidant piss me off because they're xhoosing their behavior. They're choosing their ego and pride. It's the most frustrating situation I've ever been in with one. They have zero accountability for their bullshit. We all have a story, it doesn't mean we're entitled to mistreat others.
You look alot like my ex gf.. I dont know if she's really an avoidant.. i can explain. She didnt get enough attention of her parents in her younger years, she had a relationship with somebody at her age of 18 and that has broken when she was 31.. 6 month later she get to know me.. We had an relationship of 7 months. We had arguments because she needed alot of space and was busy with herself, always putting her on number 1, she talked alot about her past and her exboyfriend.. last month we had again argument, she was depressed a while and was thinking about her ex.. she didnt know what to do and eventually we broke up.. i try to connect after it.. did all my best but again discussions and eventually no contact.. its over, i miss her.. she dont want to give me hoop, but said we can so in the future who will contact.. in about 2 to 6 weeks.. i hoop she send me a message.. i love her
@GISW85 Ahh, maybe it's the sunglasses. I know you miss her. I miss mine too, a lot. It's hard to let someone go that you deeply love. I can't speak for everyone, we all have choices to make. Even with her childhood, it's up to her to work on it. I'm no longer willing to make excuses for their behavior. If they're thinking about an ex or missing an ex, let them. You're not an option. Don't let yourself be an option. I mentioned my childhood was rough. It was, it was bad. My mom was abusive and never talked to me or showed me affection. My dad was busy chasing women and unintentionally neglecting my needs nor protecting me from my mom. But I worked on myself, went to therapy, read books and have so much love to give. I know what it's like to be abandoned and mistreated and I wouldn't ever want anyone to feel that way. I know you love your ex... but you don't deserve to be mistreated. It's hard letting them go, but it's better to move on, no longer allow excuses or lies or mistreatment from others.
Believe me, I wish the woman who hurt me would just come around and want me... but she hasn't chosen to look within and won't choose me. It's too painful to try so hard with someone who can just walk away. You have to choose you. They have the grass is greener mentality. It's unfair and disrespectful of her to put you on hold. That's not love.
And just like the anxiously attached is attracted to the dismissive avoidant because it’s the familiar (“family”, strong soul attraction) dance of putting others needs first, the dismissive avoidant is also attracted to the anxiously attached because they are hyper focused on them and their needs (same reasons). When the relationship becomes real (out of honeymoon phase, when deeper feelings happen outside of surface connection) the dance changes and the inevitably it ends. Like the saying “it takes two to tango” equates in relationship dynamics to the healthy behavior of both partners are seen/attuned to, Healthy relationships are interdependent, we have our own autonomy HOWEVER we respect and see the value of our partner. We do not deserve to be dismissed and they do not deserve our overt attention. Anxiously attached need to connect to their own emotions and see their own value and in essence so do the dismissive avoidant. It’s opposites attract , yet flip side of same coin. DAs should stop using people to feel seen and AAs should stop caretaking people to be seen. When these wounds are healed neither dynamic will be attractive. Overt dismissiveness will be seen for what it is, cruel and unhealthy behavior. And over caretaking will be seen for what it is, anxious and fearful behavior. In short, learn to love yourself (not in a prideful I’m in love with myself way but in a healthy I see my own value way).
Perfectly stated!
I'm a man with extreme DA style, you clingy women are scary and disgusting. Aren't you a fully, independent adult? Weird but I keep attracting anxious types
This is pure gold. Thank you for distilling it like this!
Well said
@@jayslungsbloodclot2733 it has nothing to do with being a fully independent adult. Of course we are, we just want the same love and support that we give to the DA.
Why TF was it so easy for them to be all lovey-dovey, vulnerable and everything good in the beginning? I’m never gonna get that back am I? 💔💔💔💔
My thoughts
Same. It’s like he became a different person. I am literally so terrified to open up to anybody again. He just up and disappeared from my life. I can’t go through that again.
That could be called “love bombing” which sometimes is a narcissistic trait. Not saying your ex is a narc but could be.
@@paradilysupport2382😢😢
Nope.
Very good information. Of course, if you're an anxious attacher, you can empathize with the avoidant attacher while they forget your feelings. Stay strong and NO CONTACT.
As much as I hurt, it hurts me more because I can empathize with him. I did try to love him the best way I could.
I just broke up with a girl a week ago, and found out after watching contents like this that she's a dismissive avoidant. Always claims to be too busy to talk to me (even via text which she sometimes takes days to reply or even not at all), yet have time to post on social media and our mutual discord server. Even when I told her that I want to break up, she didn't even bother to ask why and just agrees like that. At that time I knew I made the right decision.
That day, I promised myself to never again make connections with dismissive avoidants people. Once is enough.
I can recommend you to (Mr Ose )who was able to bring back my ex husband and it works, I believe he can solve your relationship problems.......
Whatsazzz him👇👇👇
It took me seven years to figure this out about a woman.
Our stories are similar. I broke up with my dismissive avoidant boyfriend and he just agreed (with actions)
Sounds like a person who is flaky, emotionally immature, a legit total jerk or just lost interest because you were annoying or negative to be around. Not saying it is that but if it is we have to also be honest with ourselves. People like to find an attachment style to blame and specifically this one; when it might not even be this. Then what if someone who has genuinely gotten this way, DA, from surviving a narcissistic abusive situation genuinely looks for help and explanation about why they've become emotionally available, only to find all the vitriole in comments sections. Wow.
The more I get educated about my DA boyfriend’s way of thinking the less personal I take his behaviors. Your videos have been by FAR the most helpful I have seen anywhere on UA-cam!!!
Hey Nicole, thanks for sharing. I'm happy to hear that. Taking things less personally leads to a lot of freedom in relationships. I'm excited for you, and for what's ahead!
💯💯
Hey can we connect on Snapchat or something, I am a DA with commitment issues, I think I hurt my ex bf badly 😭😭😭, I have been crying for 3 weeks but it just won't work coz of long distance and different time zones, I can't live without him, but I am a DA so can't live with him either
Wish i had a girl like you 😁
I have to make the same allowances for my AA wife, otherwise I’d be over reacting and staying PO’d like I did when we were much younger.
We APs are attracted to DAs because we wish we were more like them. The moment we become more secure we stop finding them interesting. A cat would be more loyal to a relationship than a DA. Come on!
I was interested in how they could just be the way they are. But I could never. I don’t like seeing people hurt. I went thru hurt from my childhood big time, physically and mentally but I would never make anyone feel that pain I’ve felt. Not even my worst enemy
My boyfriend randomly broke up with me and he went from super caring to the coldest human being I met. Since I didnt got any explanation about why he left and went so cold I found this video and it makes me understand his sudden behavior better. I was asking myself what I was doing wrong, but now I just guess that its just his attachement style. Now my mind can have some peace. Thank you for the video!
Damn, you are so right.
I got in an anxious/avoidant trap and when it ended it destroyed me. I never even knew about attachment styles before my breakup and now it makes do much sense of why my avoidant did the things she did.
I do not wish this pain on anyone. Hopefully I can find a secure person or at least another anxious preoccupied to be with next. (Hell, I just hope that I can find someone else)
Hi Felix, your message totally resonated with me. Going through the same right now, feel exactly the same right now . Hope your ok.
Same here. It breaks you. Avoidant break ups are the worst pain. Just met up to exchange belongings with my ex and he was so cold, abrupt and short without making eye contact. There’s nothing that would make me treat someone I had history with like that.
@@peternall6566 Still not doing great, but I am hoping that one day I will be. I had no idea that a relationship like ours could be so corrosive to ones self-esteem.
We just have to keep pushing on Peter. No other offer or options.
@@sarahstevenson8155 I'm sorry Sarah. I am dreading when I bump into my ex eventually one day because I am sure she will be ice cold like that as well.
How a person can go from supposedly loving you to being like that is beyond my comprehension.
@@felixthecat4584 it’s truly mind blowing 💜
I can’t even begin to tell you how much this video helped me realized so much about my DA ex. He act as though we were nothing the the 5 years we were together, can’t even seem to give me that respect to be able to talk about our relationship and wants to just move past it like it never happened. The hardest thing I have ever gone through. Thank you for this 💓
It’s my pleasure! I’m so glad you found it helpful. 😊
I have been ghosted since mid-January after asking for more communication. We have been together for 18 years. We have been doing okay since I am mostly away for work and we spend quality time in between work and family. Our families are so disappointed as I. I didn't see this coming. I have seen him treat colleagues and family by dismissing them. However, I feel I have been overconfident in how he valued our relationship. I am so disappointed, and I miss him, 8 calls/ text a day to Nil has me feeling so empty.
Same here Dear. I told him before he left its just that? You trown away the 5yrs of relationship, he was the sweetest and charming guy. After burned out of work and don't want to show emotions or tel me his day, share what happened he become cold and distant, of corz im his gf so i want more time and connection with him but he get mad and ghosted me and broke me up. NOW he looks okay and move on fast while im stil hanging and not get over him.. Dismissive avoidant doesn't know how to express emotions.. I hope he will be okay
@@joycejones5881it’s horrible. I’m sorry. I don’t even know how to craft the right text message
@@louyiechenI hope mine is ok but 8 have no idea because I got blocked for simple wanting answers
They are quite similar to narcissists, they are damaged and you’re better off staying away!
Going through a breakup with my dismissive avoidant ex wife was easily the most painful thing I have ever gone through. She was and is ridiculously cold. She is very efficient at putting up walls. Am mad at myself for building a life with her. We will have grandkids together and she and her coldness will never fully be out of the picture. Attachment trauma is the gift that keeps giving.
You were spot on. It feels like the ultimate betrayal after constantly thinking about the other person. Great video
Thanks a ton. Glad it resonated.
I can recommend you to (Mr Ose )who was able to bring back my ex husband and it works, I believe he can solve your relationship problems.......
Whatsazzz him👇👇👇
At this point, I've watched 100+ videos about attachment styles/avoidants. What I will never understand about them is that they fear abandonment yet they will freely abandon others who care about them. This is such an illogical response.
"I really like/love this person and they love me back, better run away before they abandon me." It's a self fulfilling prophecy, self sabotage. All they do is pass trauma onto people who care about them. It's incredibly unfair to the other party.
I couldn’t agree more, that’s crazy is when your ex says you’re there person yet abandons you. It’s very strange I too don’t quite understand.
@@JasonPollock-my7xt the girl I was seeing love bombed the hell out of me. As soon as it went from late stage honeymoon to a little more serious/exclusive she bailed out. I have yet to hear from her in 6 weeks. I truly don't understand how someone can do this to another person.
It's not a rational response.
I have a solidly secure attachment style but when stressed I lean anxious more than anything. And what stresses me out? Dismissive avoidants! So tell me why I consistently end up in relationships with them? I think I like their detachment at first because one, they're not so detached in the initial bonding phase, and two, I really do not want to have my relationship be a thing I have to obsess over or be with a guy who is too demanding of my time and too controlling of my freedom.
But...I do want a cooperative, open, intimate relationship! I just want it to build over time but unfortunately it seems like there are a lot of dismissive avoidants out there who take a secure attachment style (setting boundaries, being firm, sticking up for myself) as reason to say "hmm I can't get what I want out of this relationship." Like it ultimately feels like they actually DO want control and when they can't get it out of a secure person, they start flipping out. And then if I'm invested, I become anxious and try to fix, save, mend. I just wish they could clearly communicate their needs in a non-threatening way and be open to true partnership. It just seems like they're always scanning the environment for perceived threats and taking them as evidence of why it isn't worth advocating for their needs, and then eventually they just totally withdraw or explode.
I'm so tired of this crap.
Word for word my experience as well. Thanks you for sharing.
Eloquently put, I relate completely
AMEN!!!!!!
I can relate and I absolutely agree with this!
Yes. It's a fear of abandonment. I experienced this exact dynamic. Their fear outweighs their ability to communicate openly and honestly and to be vulnerable and to connect emotionally. And they tend to simultaneously prioritize things like control, power, and their image so that prevents them from being validating and genuine appreciation for your efforts and genuine acknowledgement and apology when they mess up, do things that hurt you, etc. Your bids for attention and affection will get rebuffed and your sense of self worth can and likely will erode the longer you stay in that dynamic. And when you try to resolve the obvious conflict that exists, they run away, deflect, stonewall so nothing gets resolved. They convince themselves they just need to find a different, 'better' partner rather than working through their stuff and showing up in the relationship in a way that gives the relationship a real chance.
It's a lost cause. Best you can do is cut your losses, keep working on yourself, and find a new partner who isn't so difficult. Dating should be mostly fun and fulfilling and validating, not frustrating.
Oh boy the horror !!🙆😳😂🙄
All my Fellow AP's, Please Turn to Secure attachment by working on yourselves..DA's are a Muck!! 🤮🙄
Just Leave please! 🙏🏻❤
Also Stop getting anybody's attention..!
How long are we going to fix other ppl..its not our responsibility to fix anyone but ourselves!🙏🏻😌We are valuable!
Y'all deserve the World! 🙏🏻❤🥺💕
@nwodo victor Mr Ose found your donkey and returned him to you? Fabulous.
1 year in a great relationship, she ghosted me and replaced me in 2 days with a homeless druggie. 6 weeks in, not a word from her. Nothing. This is the most pain ive ever experienced. It defies my logic, so hard to embrace and understand. Your video, just set me free. No more anger and pain, just empathy and freedom. Thank you
Been trying to wrack my head around the coldness. My person was the sweetest until the day they decided we needed a break. I did even recogize that person. Your videos really have hit the nail on the head.
I know you posted this a while ago, but I can relate. The guy at the end of the relationship got so irate he told me to kill myself. He stonewalled me for a week before he said he couldn't do it any more. Then he erased me from his life. Just like that. I was less than a stranger on the street. Just know it's not you, it is them.
@@ragingphoinix9144yeah it's a defense mechanism, strong emotions overwhelm us easily so we just switch off, it's almost dissociative and just like a switch only we don't really have control it just trips, like a fuse or something I guess.
I never realised that the vast majority of people can't do this, this fact is as strange and foreign to us as the fact we can switch off is to you.
P s. Glad you have the maturity to see it for what it is, most ppl here seem to think DAs are some sort of machevelien Disney villian 🙄.
@@mk9199 I don't think he was a villain per say, but he's not who I thought he was or who he presented as. I do hope he gets therapy and get's the help he needs, though I know the likelihood is low.
Same exact thing with my DA. Why did he lie to me at the start..he knew I wanted someone warm and loving and he masked so he can get me. It’s hard to leave in enmeshed but I think I’m ready to let him go now after over 3 years of coldness. Winter in my heart..go figure.
I’m sorry that happened to you..I know how devastating that is because the same happened to me. I told him about all of the pain I had suffered in my past relationships and as a child. I told him exactly what I was looking for in a potential partner and that I would not be settling for anything less because I had already sold myself short for far too long. He listened, then claimed to be everything I could ever need or want and more. I finally decided to give him a chance but I warned him that it would take a while for me to trust him because I had issues with that after everything that had happened to me.
So, he spent the next 14 years earning my trust. I thought I had found the perfect man because he had met and exceeded all of my expectations. I was so happy and I loved him so much. I also truly appreciated him and was so grateful to him for not making a fool out of me, and for showing me that I could trust him....that sharing myself and my love with him wouldn’t cause me pain as it had done in the past.
After all he had done to earn my love, my trust, my heart, my soul..he then wakes up one day and just suddenly decides to become an entirely different person. Some days I truly wonder if someone or something evil did not actually come in the night and take over his body and mind, because it feels too much like the man I knew and loved just isn’t in there anymore 😢 Nothing has ever hurt so bad. I don’t think I could ever trust anyone ever again. I don’t even think I can trust myself again. I feel like I can’t trust my own judgment.
I feel like a fool who was tricked into a relationship with him. I guess he was never the man I thought he was. All of his past promises to treat me differently and so much better than others had in the past was just his attempt to fool me and lie to me so that he could earn my trust and my love and earn a shot at a relationship with me.
I have always been willing to work with him because I tell him all the time that I love him unconditionally, faults and all, and that as long as he is willing to work on us and be patient with me, we can try to work the problems in our relationship out and stay together. But all I ever get are empty promises to change or go to therapy. And if I try to tell him how I feel or tell him when he hurts my feelings all I ever get is more stonewalling, rejection and continuous abandonment that just keeps me triggered due to my severe and very painful abandonment issues. The hurt is unimaginable.
One of the worst parts is that unless people you know have been in a situation like yours before, they don’t understand what you are going through at all and they try to act as if you’re exaggerating your experiences. People who’ve been there know all too well how very real a DA’s behaviors are and how truly devastating the pain it causes you can be 😢
But anyway, enough about me. I just want to tell you that I hope you are able to move on from this and heal yourself, and that you are able to find a partner who truly loves and values you! You deserve it ❤️
THank you so much. This helped me so much.
I dumped my DA five days ago for the second time, and this time permanently, and as a AP I am going through sheer hell right now.
I thought she ghosted me but I think she's just deactivating.
I've been with many other women and loved many other women and broken up before and it was not hard at all but this hit me so differently because we such such an unbelievably deeply spiritual, divine, emotional, otherworldly connection.
I can literally FEEL HER heart and soul inside of me.
It's so hard to walk away.
So hard.
But I can't do this song and dance anymore.
I respect myself too much.
That really sounds awful. I am sorry. I’m a DA, and I want to tell you that I think you are doing the right thing. She will miss you, but it more than likely doesn’t even come close to how you miss her. She may even love you, and think about you a lot, but she just doesn’t have the emotional/mental capacity that you have for a deep relationship right now. Since we are not in true connection with our emotions I do not believe we really understand romantic love the same way other attachment styles do. Keep your head up.
@@JW-ki8md thank you so much!
@@JW-ki8md Yeah that makes sense, thank you.
I tried to love her, I really did.
And for a while, we had a beautiful thing.
But she just flipped a switch and kept pushing me away.
Until I couldn't put up with it anymore and I dumped her.
Then I reached out to her and we gave it another shot but this time it was much healthier, much better, and much slower.
Things were going great until she asked for space again and I was tired of investing so much and getting nothing in return.
I had to cut away again.
I haven't heard from her. She is not one to ghost me or not message me back but honestly there was nothing left to say/discuss. We both said our piece.
In two months, I'll be over her.
In four months she will finally and truly begin to realize what she has lost.
I feel sorry for her.
I really want to love her and marry her, but I just can't.
It breaks my heart because I know she is the one for me.
Yesterday I couldn't get out of bed.
@@perspicacity89 I completely understand why you would be tired. As a DA I don’t get tired for the same reasons you do, but I have enough experience and awareness to know that I have put a few people through some hard times emotionally. DA’s just don’t have the emotional maturity to understand how much they are hurting someone until they become self-aware. For the longest time I thought I was the only person being hurt. From my experience when an opportunity for space occurs whether it’s the result of a fight or actual distance apart I have found myself not reaching out because I want them to reach out to me because I want that self esteem boost. It’s so stupid, but unconsciously the DA will risk the status of the relationship hoping the other party will reach out first. Another reason people hate DA’s. I’m not saying she is a lost cause, but removing yourself is the only thing that will make her realize what she has lost. The only thing that may make her work on herself. Just keep your expectations really low. I don’t agree with all the people commenting that DA’s are worthless and the same as narcissists and yada yada yada. I had a 8 year relationship. Most of those years were really good.
@@JW-ki8md Hey. Thank you so much for the insight and perspective. It has helped immensely. Thank you so much.
DAs are not bad people or narcissistic.
My ex is the most amazing woman I have ever met and I would do anything for her.
I want to marry her.
I really miss and love her.
I just want to give her enough space for her to realize what she did to me and why I had to leave.
I want her to reach self awareness.
I hope that happens sooner than later.
It's really hard to not reach out but I'm going to give her enough time to self reflect and allow herself to miss me.
This is EXACTLY what I am going through right now. It's absolutely crushing.
Me too. I feel you!
Krissi5563 Same here. It’s gut wrenching and I’m married to him. Would have to start completely from scratch if I left. Unfortunately I’m on eggshells waiting for the day he decides it’s over.
I have two words: f**k them. Life is so much better after you decide to leave. It took me two days to realise how much happier I was without him, and in a week I was blooming. My loyalty ended after he put his ex’s needs over mine. He is below average and so much worse them ne in all areas of life except being physically stronger, no education, no career, no values, no intelligence, no kindness, no care, no generosity. What used to be funny turned out to be rude and out of balance. He would put people down but when anyone commented on him he would be hurt and sensitive. Perfect definition of narcissistic personality disorder. Awful. So glad I left. Well, it was a learning curve. I observed patterns in my relationships and I learn not to do that again. Invest in me and my self care. His last words were: he has hobbies😂😂😂😂 truly pathetic. Real reason why society is failing and women needed to raise to the challenge and take over.
I feel like there’s no real secure men anymore, we deserve better!
It’s sick I didn’t think he was a narcissist but it’s covert abuse like this was insane. Asked me to be his girlfriend and I opened my heart just a bit (was securely attached) and then he completely cut it off skipped my birthday (all within 5 days) and told me he can’t give me what I need, won’t even text me, like a stone cold ghost. Like I never existed. Sick.
That's called strategy... men always do that. To get you off the market and to have access to you. He sounds like an immature player with zero accountability. Society used to bring those type of scoundrels to heel. Marriage = access to the woman.
The best advice I can give to everybody . Ignore and leave them FOREVER!! Give them the same they gave to you, that means go full cold turkey as long as it takes for them to feel the pain and to break their ego. Cut them out of your life. The day you find another love they will feel the pain. Be strong and give them a lesson in respect. It can take years just do it. Have a nice day from Phil all-round certified coach from Belgium.
Everyone deserves to be loved. ..
@Gwendolynn Doesn’t mean everyone deserves to be loved by you…
Phil can you elaborate more ? Do you talk to DA's and have they told you how they feel when this happens?
YES PHIL PHIL!!!
It’s not about our ego and we won’t feel the pain. If we turn cold and we stonewall you we are mentally and emotionally done with you.
We refuse to call the behaviors as narcissistic to maybe minimize the conceptualization. All insecure attachment yields self-preserving behaviors that hyperfocus on self-soothing and ego protection. Those behaviors in and of themselves, because they directly effect interpersonal relations and life outcomes repeatedly, can be classified as narcissism. I point that out because we need as many accurate angles for managing our trauma responses. We aren’t empaths, we are traumatized adults from generations of abuse and neglect. We must immerse in varied practices for healing, however we can get it. Best to all.
Amen
I agree. This is a great response!
I always think that the DA going cold has something to do with me, but this explains why its probably not my fault that they pull away.
Depends on the individuals involved and the dynamic. Sometimes we blame ourselves or put ourselves down and it wasn't us; the person just has their unhealed trauma
You just showed me why i am the way i am. I was raised by my Nana, her husband passed away when i was 2. She grieved for years and i recall comforting her. From that age ive always thought of other peoples feelings in a significant way.
My partner was raised in a dismissive household. His mother would send him out of a room, just so as not to be bothered. His father the same.
I recently experienced his coldness and disassociation from me after a major struggle we had. I was utterly shocked, im still not over it. We are together, but its so much harder now.
Thank you so much for this video Katya, you have now allowed me to see a completely different perspective.
You really have a gift. Don’t mind these ungrateful, rude viewers. There are a lot more people who appreciate the free content. Thank you.
Thank you for the thoughtful comment. Appreciate you.
I'm so happy having my former partner back, after being separated for months. All thanks to Mr Ose whom help me to get back my ex again, I will suggest y'all to get help from him and it works within 48hours
It's not free.. if the channel is moniitized. They're making money..
This video is incredible!!!! I LOVE your explaining of the AP vs DA upbringing. It makes perfect sense! I am the AP and my boyfriend is DA. Our childhood is exactly as you described. Strangely enough I don’t remember feeling like my needs weren’t met as a child but I was raised by my mother who was a single parent. The comment you make about how an AP feels the ultimate betrayal when we realize our partner doesn’t think about us as we do them is 💯 correct!!! It is deeply painful whether it’s during the relationship or after a breakup the feeling is the same!
So glad that it resonated! And thanks for sharing what resonated the most. That's really helpful to know for creating future content.
Yes very deeply painful
This sounds very spot on and recognizable. Like I've broken up with people and I always felt horrible about it and empathised with the other person and I felt like I was letting her down and tried to be as respectful as possible about it and "soften the blow".
But when my fiancee left it was just completely cold, without me having done anything to really justify that coldness. Maybe this attachment stye difference just explains why we act so differently in these situations.
And yes it does feel like the ultimate betraillal in some sense. Because I'd expect someone to be respectful and understanding in the moment when you are most vulnerable and hurt. Especially when you are the one "causing" them that pain when u break up. To minimise damage. To at least respect the person enough for that. It just seems so selfish to me, still I love her more than anything in the world... and still somehow feel like it was my shortcoming to make her decide to leave me. For being too "needy" or expect too much too fast.
Typical anxious pre-occcupied I guess to still be wondering about all the things I could have done to make her needs feel met and could have turned the relationship into a success and allow her to flourish, to reflect on any counterproductive behavior of my own, whilst she so clearly didn't care about me at all.
But yes you are right in the video, she is just concerned with her own emotional state first always. To me this is so unnatural. To me being focussed outward may be SO natural that I don't even notice that it's nor "normal" to be like that. Idk
"For being too "needy" Every DA will put that head game on you, one of their favorite tropes.
I do feel genuinely sorry for my recent DA ex. He was an adorable man. He's in his late 50's and has no chance of ever having a healthy and loving relationship because he avoids his own avoidance. He's far too entrenched. I'm really grateful to you, Katya, and to every single person who's put a comment on here. I was forever confused, frustrated and heartbroken before seeing these videos and reading all the comments. After over 3 years with him, I began to see his DA pattern, even though at the time I didn't know it existed. The lovelier the times we'd spend together, the more he'd dismiss me shortly afterwards and only reply to the odd text over the proceeding week or so. His favourite reply was, "Can't read all your texts, I'll find a dark corner when I get the time and have a sift through...". after I'd sent some lighthearted ones to ask how he was, etc. I've now been in NC for a week now and, even though it's been torturous at times, there's absolutely no way I'm going back to such a man. Sadly, he'll just move on to the next one and start the dysfunctional cycle all over again...
Thank you for watching my videos. Just remember that is in your power to break the cycle. On step at a time.
Happy holidays and be well!
@@KatyaMorozova Thanks so much, Katya. Here on UA-cam you're by far the most informed and empathetic expert on attachment styles. PS My ex and I have been in NC for almost two weeks, now. A couple of hours ago I sent him a lighthearted text about a musician we both like. Let's see if he replies!
Happy holidays to you, too, and here's to a mentally healthy 2023!
@@Julesyoutoo Hi Julia, thank you for your kind feedback. I'm glad my videos are helpful to you.
Happy New Year to you! I'm all for that mentally healthy year! : )
@@KatyaMorozova 😘
Death In the family really pushed my DA partner over the edge, compelete depression and pushed me away, eventually ending things with me. Even displayed what I thought was BPD symptoms but im just trying to find understanding.
OMG. Just the best, and to know you’re not the only one that finally realizes. You can love them enough to help them. Because they flipped the switch. And you had little or nothing to do with it! So don’t accept the blame or the fact you’ll never fix their
issues
Just be grateful that. You’re not them! ❤
I found this video shockingly helpful. I got dumped by text, from somebody’s I’d been seeing for 18 months…. And just crushed. One day, she’s warm, loving and intensely sensual & hot,and then 24 hrs later, I get the “I can’t see you anymore” text…..the level of shock and trauma is breathtaking… I’ve been wracked with guilt, and she won’t see me, or talk to me… nothing…. I’ve never had such a painful end, divorce was easier than this…. This video really gave me hope for healing and closure… I’m still in utter disbelief, but at least I have something to work on,…thanks…
I'm sorry to hear its been so challenging for you. 🙏 I'm glad you found this helpful.
You need to get a handle on your emotional state. The technology doesn't help either. It confuses people and lures them in to a false sense of security and attachment that isn't really there. Its not real...
This was spot on! I’m the anxious one due to basically having to raise my parents who dismissed me. My guy is the avoidant who was “never good” enough (in his own words), To his parents. Our upbringings were very similar but we coped differently with our childhoods and the continued disregard that we got from subsequent spouses. The question I have is.... what to do now. The pain ive endured by experiencing more abandonment is soooo painful right now.
I can recommend you to (Mr Ose )who was able to bring back my ex husband and it works, I believe he can solve your relationship problems.......
Whatsazzz him👇👇👇
Oh your clarity.💝 I am right now a half healthy half avoidant. I may have been FA, but 20 years of reflection.
7:00 holy shit!! You just explained the relationship between me and my older sister. I am the DA and she is the AP. There has been conflict between us and this really helps me to understand why, and how my shutting down triggers her, and why I am triggered by her desire to figure me out when I just want to be left alone. Our mother was depressed and I have memories of long spans where she would just stay in bed. My older sister was her emotional support, while I often felt ignored/rejected. This really makes sense. Thanks for this insight.
Thank you for sharing a bit about your life and your upbringing. I’m sure that will she’s light to others reading your comment. I’m glad you found the video insightful. 🙏
I totally get where you are coming from. My partner is a DA. Her mother was unavailable for her. Her mother was depressed and very dismissive avoidant herself, to the point where she was institutionalised as mentally ill. My wife partner was taken into care for a while, but she now displays the exact same behaviours of her mother apart from the deep depression.
Her mothers behaviour was toxic in the extreme. Very spiteful, stonewalling most of the time, and when she was being "nice", it was clearly just an act.
Spent most of her time in bed avoiding people.
My partner refuses to even acknowledge that she has any issues around attachment or behaves like her mother, though she knew that her mother was institutionalised and ill.
You’ve just confirmed exactly what I’m going through. I’m an anxious preoccupied and my partner is the dismissive avoidant and he suddenly became cold and shut me out completely. It’s been a month since we’ve seen each other and it hurts. He said his depression was acting up and he had to take care of his mom which seems burdensome to him. I offered to help him and his mom but he just cut me off but didn’t officially break it off with me but feels like a betrayal. Everything was so perfect before and I just want him back and don’t know what to do. I’m trying to mentalize indeed but it’s really hard.
It’s so difficult for an anxious person 😌
My girl was calling me her king one day, the next she referenced a time three months earlier when I saw something on her phone and became suspicious. She told me I was accusing her of hypothetically cheating. I didnt but I was triggered and upset. Two days after calling me her king and saying she wanted more time together she decided she wasn’t sure this could work. It felt out of the blue. Her dad had cancer and she had lost a job but I had no clue here and I were anythjng but great. Its been over two months. Yesterday she blocked me.
Walk away...forge onward..you will never be happy with a DA
Mine also had to take care of his mom and his depression..so he cut me off
All of what you said makes so much sense! I am definitely anxious attachment type, my partner is without a doubt a dismissive avoidant and it makes me so sad to hear what you have to say about the dismissive Avoidant...I've never loved someone so much and yet I know the chances of us working out with such completely different. attitchment styles are very slim
Yeah, you aren't compatible. Your'e better off leaving now before you get into deep.
This has to be one of the best discussions on DA and non-DA. I'm struggling with the roller coaster of my DA gf. I get it. All of her history feeds right into the DA characteristics. My one beef is the push pull of emotional connection. When do you say "grow up! " I have needs too!
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with taking a firm stance when someone is push and pull. You have the right to do that!
Glad this video resonated for you.
Break up!
I hate that - the push pull stuff is a nightmare.. It feels manipulative and can be horribly addictive even if the relationship is unsatisfying
say it, don't just put up with it. I'm a male DA and I tell my wife to air her grievances & while the fear/shame is crazy unpleasant, I am so glad (afterward) that she does. sometimes it takes me a couple hours/days to circle back, but yeah, definitely say your piece. we appreciate it.
@@seapeajones im worried this will just push her away. Any attempts to talk about feelings are dismissed /deflected. She likes to argue over small things and it erodes any bond we have. I feel that she does it to self sabotage any closeness. Any suggestions?
Mine deserves a gold medal for ghosting. Left me 6 paragraphs of breakup and then "went off the grid" Not heard of him for months. We started as co-workers and worked together for a year with a lot of joy. (He convinced me in trying something serious after he left) This behavior was a complete surprise to me.
@@adedokunelizabeth2614 uh we are just friends. We play online games together sometimes but there is nothing else there now. We broke up 5 years ago :p
You got 6 paragraphs?! Amazing, I got a half of one.
He came back? Why?
@@hspinnovators5516 he failed his college year and just came back to me to get a shoulder to cry on.
I used to live in Asia and dated a DA for a few months. It was so insanely frustrating. Throw in the cultural barrier and wow, what a disaster. A lot of Asian cultures do not promote expression of feelings and emotions. Cold by nature, you will never understand them. Sad thing, besides the DA attachment style, she had a lot of other things that I liked about her. She checked off a lot of my boxes as far as what I'm looking for. But the coldness, lack of empathy, and lack of emotional communication, just killed it. Still hurts. Still love her.
I have a similar experience. Except mines the opposite. My ex is a DA and the combined with the cultural difference (he’s American) it was so damn hard. I still think about reaching out to him. It ended 2 weeks ago but I don’t know if I should.
This video accurately describes the personalities of my ex and I! My ex just broke up with me blindsided about two weeks ago. Although it was a short relationship (only 3 months), I was still surprised how cold he was and did not even bother to give me any explanation. I’m compassionate and would never breakup with someone blindsided like him because I can’t tolerate the guilt.
So I can’t understand how can someone who once cared for me can show no feeling, no explanation and did not attempt to say or do anything to try to make me feel better. He changed his feeling like turning off the switch! There was no sign of trouble before the breakup so I thought our relationship is progressing. This video explains the reasons for his coldness.
I have being reading articles and watch videos for answers, therapy and hopefully prevent the same thing from happening again. I’m grateful for this video.
The same thing happened to me recently, after 3 months of a solid relationship I was blindsided one night and casually broken up with, no reason given. The coldness and abruptness of it just shocked me and to be honest I was more hurt over her sudden lack of concern or care for what this was doing to me. It's like she was being emotionally inconvenienced by me being hurt and upset, and didn't do a thing to try to make me feel any better.
For people like us who project outward care and concern for others, and can put ourselves in other's shoes and prioritise our partners feelings and emotions, being treated like you are nothing to them and realising that all your emotional investment amounted to nothing in their eyes is just devastating. This video has been enlightening in so many ways and I'm just learning about the whole attachment style thing - though I'm hesitatant to classify such disregard for someone you (supposedly) cared about as merely symptoms of an "attachment style". I completely 100% agree these types of people exist (obviously!) and experiences have affected their emotional development, I still say if you can't be respectful, kind and compassionate and are so self-absorbed you can discard someone you cared about so easily then don't be in a relationship.
Thanks for sharing your experience, on the bright side them ending it with you has made room for you to find someone truly worthy and appreciative of your heart.
Narcissist = Mental Illness = No Contact for life!
Same thing happened to me too. Almost 3 months, LDR, everything so healthy, affectionate, open communication. Thought i found the one…until he changed over night like turning off the switch! He gave me reasons tho, that he felt so tired of everything and wanted to be alone and I wasn’t the one at fault.
@@TrinhNguyen-qz6rpOmg going through this now
@@TrinhNguyen-qz6rpI thought I found the one best relationship I ever had then boom cold out of nowhere wow
It goes both ways.. the anxious preoccupied (me) finds it hard to be understood and empathic when their needs aren't being met, when their partner is being distant.. and the avoidant has a hard time being empathic when they are triggered and their needs arnt being met, even though they don't bother letting their partner know! 😶
at least one side is communicating and offering the other something to work with.
@@hmanfilms I genuinely don’t understand how they think we are supposed to understand things without communication. Just watch their every move and guess?
@@sarahstevenson8155just evaluate and score performance. My DA is a Human Resource manager - go figure!!
Thank You, Katya, for your enlighting and empowering insights for me at this moment, only wanted to share it is a losing situation, no matter how many eggshells one succeeds not to break stepping around them, their psychopathic side will eventually do best to destruct any positive intention from people who love them, and the more they good feelings for them exist, the more they will repel as suffocation or control. I too need support, in fact he has been triggering compulsive anxiety which I only remember experiencing in early childhood, impacting my mental balance, self worth and life. No matter how irresistible these people seem to be, it results to be a trap
It’s interesting because on their side I think they feel the same way - that we are triggering this intense anxiety in them that they only remember experiencing in childhood.
I am experiencing this exact situation at this time and thank you for clarifying what I already knew in pieces, but could not put together into a complete picture. It helps a lot. I was in a 10 year relationship with someone and this was/is our attachment dynamic. Its pretty sad to be the anxious preoccupied knowing you are carrying the burden of very intense heavy grief over the loss when the DA is not and also unable to empathize and acknowledge your value. Ugh I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. But I'm moving along and doing better than last month!
My avoidant left me with the words "i will always love you and i know what i will be missing"
That must’ve been painful to hear.
I think he really cares about you and doesn't want to put u through all the pain
Then he really does care about you, but knows or thinks he knows it wont last long and therefore cut it short to not be completely Messed up if YOU break it up.
That’s fucked up and sounds manipulative
how are you.
The dismissive person was betrayed and left for dead long ago so they just disappear.
your right! I still don t know exactly why my person ,seemed to become an entirely different person ,and dump me! we had just had an amazing weekend ,very intimate sex,the bond between us seemed stronger than ever!I had some side work to finish up on the monday after,so she drove me home walked me to my front door ,then with a very exuberant happy but still loving kiss ,told me have a good day babe I love you ,call me later!The next day she broke up with me! It was like dealing with an entirely different girl.The reasons were because of projections that she convinced herself .of Then she blocked me ,we didnt speak for a week so I went to her house and she slammed the door in my and said leave or im calling the police ! My world was turned upside down for ????Its heartbreaking and frustrating because I cant call And she doesnt want me to come over! Thank you for the insight ,I do have a better idea of how she feels ,Her mother is a raging narcicist when explains a lot!
She sounds nuts 🤣 you had a lucky escape. Mark my words...
Thank you - what was most helpful was the example of having one parent as dismissive and one as anxious - I can actually sense both these patterns in myself - for a long time I tried to “fix” my anxious side by becoming avoidant- I kind of tested the waters with being avoidant - I’ve mostly balanced this now, but not perfectly by any means - The insight helps so much!
Found this at the right time, I’m anxious secure and my ex is avoidant. We broke up two weeks ago and he fair he had made mistake but was panicking and I told him to take space and I was here when he’s ready…I’ve heard nothing from him and he seems fine based on social media. Whereas I’m very sad and missing him. This has helped 🙏🏼
Thank you for sharing. I’m glad you found it helpful. ✨
@@KatyaMorozova just to catch up since that last post…he came back and we’ve worked through a lot! I’m working more towards my secure side, he has also acknowledged his self sabotage, and found that the fear of losing me was greater than his fear to commit. We have had ups and downs but are learning to communicate better, give space when needed, and we grow stronger each day. Had a wonderful December with him, I spent Christmas with him and his family. I had an operation three weeks ago and he took time off work to look after me. It’s been a real time of growth for us both ☺️
@@dannialexandramua Thank you for the update! I'm so glad to hear that you're both choosing to show up for one another.
@Flagirl1985 thank you, and it’s working out very well thank you. We both had issues to work through by ourselves, and we’ve done that. We’ve been back together since the start of December and he’s really shown up for me and our relationship. We are very happy. I don’t feel like he will run away again now. He’s invested and actually calls me out now for self sabotaging 😂 I don’t think he was fully avoidant now, just scared. I also hadn’t realised I was pushing him away at points. We have had to learn to be vulnerable with each other without fear, to support one another in tough times. He actually cared for me after an operation I had in January. There’s been Big changes for us, but all for the best. I look forward to the future ☺️
@@dannialexandramua how long did that take for him to come back?
This is the first time that I heard a distinctive difference between anxious and dismissive avoidant’s. Thank you!
Honestly it only took me 1 time to date a dismissive avoidant and that was enough for me once I found out what this actually was never had a desire before or after to keep dating them and I havent I dont think avoidants are bad people but they are broken and their behavior is very damaging and often comes off as cruel and very unnecessary I do understand why people mistake them as narcissist because the way the act towards really loving and caring people is just down right mean but they dont see it as a issue because they have operated in that way for so long to protect themselves from their parents that didnt give them the proper love and tools they needed to emotionally develop and feel save and secure my ex would stone wall his mom because she was a drug addict and mentally sick and I think he was ashamed to an extent which is understandable but unfortunately I felt like he would bring that same behavior patterns that he was doing to his mother to the women in his life and couldnt seem to recognize the behavior because that's just what he was use to doing tuning her out and he went numb very sad and such a sweet guy but had no skills to keep a solid relationship hes almost 30 and genuinely doesn't know what the word intimacy means I asked him one day and he said isnt that when you cry on a movie and be soft?..I knew after that there was no hope for us PS avoidants do come back mine trys to reach out every few months it doesn't matter though because I refuse to talk to him the pain was too uncomfortable and unbearable to me and I never want to go back to that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy but if you do want your ex back and they are avoidant the best bet is to work on yourself literally and dont think about a time frame if your truly healing your ex wont even be your type anymore I havent attracted an avoidant sense my ex and I can also spot on very quickly
@Flagirl1985 I went to therapy I watched videos on different attachment styles as well,honestly it's not to hard to pin point an avoidant they cant wear that I'm "strong" and "independent" mask for too long..listen to what people say and how they overall feel about relationships, if they are a certain age and never been in a serious relationship or a relationship at all that's usually a red flag and for a reason, also have confidence in yourself and do not make yourself too available and too understanding when you first meet someone and things are new, securely attached people wont deal with for avoidants or tolerate them for too long because they can read into the behaviors and signs very early and realize something is "off" with them and that is a scientific fact, so if your still falling for or attracting avoidant type of men there's a really good chance there are parts of you that are still not healed, remember we are what we attract, and you may be attracting a certain type of individual on a subconscious level and not realize you are doing this..other people will see that about you and come in your space and world even if that's not what you claim you want, you MUST practice selfawarness boundaries and accountability especially if you are naturally empathetic towards others..while my avoidant ex wasnt for me he did help me heal my own attachment issues, he turned me from a anxious preoccupied to a secure attachment person but it took 3 years and it was really tough for me in the beginning healing is no walk in the park dont be too hard on yourself but do learn from your mistakes.. ask yourself what could have been done differently? and do these types bring out the best in you or the worst in you and why?..with time and selfawarness and discipline you CAN change and also change who you attract good luck
I wish I could talk to you about this, you are spot on.
I can recommend you to (Mr Ose )who was able to bring back my ex husband and it works, I believe he can solve your relationship problems.......
Whatsazzz him👇👇👇
That has to be the longest sentence I've ever read. Thank you!
Been looking for a good video explaining the avoidant and cold partner and yours was the best
Thanks! Glad you dig it!
I was with a narsasist for 3 years diagnosed and i can tell you this she wasnt as damaging as the anxious dismissive woman but there behaviours are not that different cold toxic people
Don't let them damage you. Put up boundaries and drop them once you see these behaviours. Call them out.
So informative. Don’t want to go back. Just move forward.
This did give me insight. Especially knowing my parents were dismissive. Definitely had an impact on my life. Thank you for the video.
Commitment and responsability feels like control for some. A DM can take mariage values as control trigger. A deep conversation can trigger. These are massive problems, it's impossible to get empathy when they don't show up in mariage, worse they think you are trying to control them to comply and then they leave you.
I’m a dismissive avoidant everything u said is 100% facts.
Worst breakup ever and I still don’t have any answers. They’re so selfish
I’ve watched so many videos trying to understand this and this video is the best explanation I’ve ever heard thank yiu
I'm so glad to hear that you found something that resonated with you. : )
The worst thing about my dismissive was that she was also a people pleaser. So she literally kept agreeing to and setting up situations that would 'reach back' to her childhood. Told me that she enjoyed our relationship style every step of the way...until I MENTIONED one day that I wanted to be together for a long time. That'ssssssss when the growing disunity started.
The compassionate way to view attachment style and personality disorder is that if something isn't available to you (soothing) eventually you stop asking for it. So if a parent doesn't readily offer comfort a child will learn to get by without it. Same with the anxious partner who's autonomy and exploration are blocked by parents. You can say that they're healthy adaptations to an unhealthy environment. It becomes even sadder when people grow up and these states of mind are engrained in personality, as though a person is walking on an emotional tight rope - one of under dependence and one of over dependence. The risk of falling is the loss of self - because I relate to myself via how I relate to you (mirroring). The fear centre of our brain comes to believe that this is the safe way of being in relationship. They call it the unthought known (implicit learning). This is how I know the be safe in relationship. It takes a lot of reflection and mindful awareness to show up different. Shame and harsh judgement are stuck emotions. Compassion and guilt, with space for forgiveness, are emotions that fuel understanding and change. The purpose of understanding attachment style is an awareness of "there I go again, doing that thing I do" in relationship or in conflict. When both partners are aware of the pre existing emotional cycle they get stuck in, they can step outside "the issue" and see how they get stuck triggering each other. Now there is room for compassion and forgiveness, which leads to security. Another point is that "control" can be interpreted in different ways. A dismissive will feel criticized, whereas a fearful will feel smothered. One is operating from a one up, narcissistic position, and the other is not one up or one down, but more a "leave me out of it" position. One wants to be connected as long as their esteem isn't damaged, and the other wants to be connected as long as they are allowed to feel safe and in control of boundaries at all times.
It's called growing the fuck up. And doing the work...anyone can do it. Most are too lazy and unaware
@@jessicahitchens6926 I think it's a lot more complicated than that...but if it isn't for you, then that's great. Sometimes I think of that quote. We don't know what we don't know. I think it's apt. It's hard to imagine something you've never experienced. On a bio level, the way we physiologically regulate emotion is learned implicitly. So the un learning isn't just mental, its emotional - and it requires a partner with the same awareness.
They were able to turn the affection to coldness like a light switch, post breakup. Reached out after no contact and said she felt indifferent. That was worse than being angry.
This is so accurate. I wish I had known this just few days ago. Nothing wrong with different approaches of personalities. The more I learn about my ex girlfriend DA personality, the more I understand why she got pushed away. It also makes me understand mine since I am AA. I hope I am able to fix our relationship.. thank you for the insight.
Same here mate, I found out about all this stuff at the end and it was too late. Looking back, maybe for the better because it hastened the collapse. 1.5 years might have turned into 3.
My pleasure! Best of luck on restoring love if it’s right.
I watched so many of these vids and still got too triggered in the end. It’s only really helpful if they can be self aware with you and enthusiastic about working on it. My invitation to watch some of these videos with me was dismissed of course, and it only became more frustrating to have this knowledge. I melted down savagely and she shut down completely
A great explanation of a tricky psychological dynamic that I have struggled with my entire life time. Nobody ever gets me.....
@@storrmarie5585 / thanks, but I'm now living happily ever after with my dog. I'm no longer interested in human beings...Shalom
Hi Sonny, pets make wonderful companions. That said, I do hope that one day you'll give human love another shot. ; ) There is someone out there will get you. First focus on getting yourself. That's the trick. Then you won't worry so much about who gets you. Big hug.
@@KatyaMorozova / oh, thanks. Not interested in most humans. Shalom
I'm so happy having my former partner back, after being separated for months. All thanks to Mr Ose whom help me to get back my ex again, I will suggest y'all to get help from him and it works within 48hours
Thanks for this video. I'm trying to process this abandonment trigger which is something I experienced a lot with my parents. I'm glad I got to feel my big feelings but now I want to figure out what healing modality can help me release the anxiety of feeling left hanging after someone has done something to make me feel fearful etc but they are completely inattentive and unavailable for my response. It's hard to tap into a resolution.
You are awesome 😎 you explain EXACTLY the dynamic I have been going through! As I study your videos, could you recommend to me the distinction between dismissive and dissociative? For example, is “ghosting” and “stonewalling” extreme dismissive behavior? Or in the realm of standard “dissociative” disorder?
This was so helpful, on day 3 of the breakup and I completely see this dynamic.
Nice, down-to-earth, credible presentation. Thank you for not using glam and gimmicks. It is so refreshing!
Thank you. I really appreciate it.
I can recommend you to (Mr Ose )who was able to bring back my ex husband and it works, I believe he can solve your relationship problems.......
Whatsazzz him👇👇👇
They are scared of gettin their feelings hurt. Opening one's hearts can be scary after all. Cuz once it is open and could get broken, it will hurt like crazy. An avoidant has a really difficult attachment style cuz of this.
I am someone who is not as scared as the avoidant when it comes to emotional intimacy, cuz it's sth i always wanted. Sth real...
Ofc it is scary.... it is very scary to open my heart to the point i could even panic and jump to conclusions sometimes. And I dont doubt she loved me. I felt it tho we never met and I hope she felt mine too. But I refuse to be controlled or watch people be controlled.
This is why an avoidant is not necessarily much compatible with me.... which is a shame. I am open to date an avoidant who knows right from wrong. An avoidant that doesnt suffer from celebrity disease. It is not their fault ofc. Too much power corrupts people's souls after all. It has never been once any different.
I hope avoidants know there is no shame in being an avoidant. Just gotta keep in mind most ppl in this world are not compatible. They just gotta put ego aside more often and be open to trust others. Cuz gettin hurt is normal ... is part of life. But always being scared of gettin hurt is not the way to live a happy life. Get rid of power over others, especially if u cannot control it.
I can give her more time to think than tomorrow. 3 days? 16 12 am
These are some of the best videos I have come across on this subject. Brilliant analysis. Learning a great deal from this and can identify with a lot of what you are talking about.
Thanks a lot for the feedback.
Da reacts to internal stimuli ( at the extreme fantasy based). So not going to be in the environment with you. They are so busy with their creature comforts. Not gonna trust people unless they do the work. One parent was a neglectful narc she dismissed her daughter and the coldness was pervasive.
You hit the nail on the head
So glad it resonated!
Great video. Thank you 🙏
My pleasure!
So accurate, thank you!
This was so clear and helpful. Thank you 🙏
I’m so glad!
This is perfection.
What a compliment! Glad you enjoyed it! ☺️
I'm so happy having my former partner back, after being separated for months. All thanks to Mr Ose whom help me to get back my ex again, I will suggest y'all to get help from him and it works within 48hours
Your very wise to be able to break this down🙏🏼
Thank you. I’m glad you found it helpful.
throughout this vid i keot going ah ha....this has made so much sense in my mind am AP and ex is DA...I am currently working on myself to get more securely attached. I hope I can suss out a DA from the early days and not ignore red flags. Do not ever want to end up in the emotional turmoil as I did with in 10 years with a DA.
I can recommend you to (Mr Ose )who was able to bring back my ex husband and it works, I believe he can solve your relationship problems.......
Whatsazzz him👇👇👇
My goodness how the world has overcomplicated relationships and everything else. How our great grandparents, at least all mine were able to stay happily married for 50/60/70 yrs without the psychobabble over-analyzing of relationships. It's comical. I just stay single and to myself because people are super nuts nowadays. I'm way more at peace not being in a relationship. I get lonely at times but then i just watch things like this and/or observe relationships around me and it brings me back to reality.
How do you know they were happy? They had no choice but to stay in bad marriages. Let's get some perspective and reality here. Yes,the nonsense of attachment styles is just that. Unfortunately it's a symptom of a society in absolute decline. Zero self awareness/zero character.
This video is so amazing, as a person that has a anxious preoccupied attachment style and 2 weeks ago been in a breakup with a dismissive avoident, this video really clarifys that her being cold towards me after the breakup and totally shutting off is not all about me as a partner. I really love how clearly Katya explains the whole thinking process of both attachment styles and how they also affect each other. However I would have liked to see maybe a little more on how the best way is for both attachment styles to move on from a relationship and also possibliy help turn into a secure attachment style. I have a question tho, does the individual with the avoident attachment style ever look back on the relationship later on in life maybe with a more down to earth point of view or do they totally just delete the whole thing out out their head? Thanks alot!
I'm an Avoidant. To be fair, I don't go out of my way to be hot and cold. I'm not out to play games. To me, I just see it as we're each doing our own things sometimes, need a little space. Too much time together gets overwhelming.
I will also say that initially, yes, I would just move on, quite easily. But recently I went through a PTSD event that led me me discovering I am an Avoidant. Which did lead me to think about past relationships and realize I didn't treat them all that well. It's not like I went out of my way to treat them bad. More like thoughtless. But to be fair, if the shoe was on the other foot and I was on the receiving end, I wouldn't feel I was being wronged. Maybe a little hurt, perhaps, but I would be aware that I had no right to get upset about it.
@@aewtx I guess all situations are different and people are also either more or less avoident/anxious. But you are right everyone reacts in their own way and are fully right to do it. It is just interesting from an anxious perspective where I would feel like the person has really just thrown the memories and time spent together out the window in just a couple of weeks. It's little bit of the lack of empathy that is perceived that really gets to me personally, nevertheless I know everyone has to handle their situtaion and heartbreak on their own terms. One thing that is also funny to me is how in my experience the avoident reaches back after a few months trying to reestablish a connection either platonic or romatic without acknowledging their wrong doings. Whereas an anxious person, would I claim to be more selfaware and self refelcting on both their own wrong doings but also the situation itself as it unfolded also acknowledging it verbally.
Hello, I really love your videos on this attachment style. I am a anxious I have more of an answer attachment style, my partner, she is an avoiding dismissive, avoiding and what I really want is to recover and move on from the relationship. She ghost me, but she told her daughter, she don’t want anything to do with me, but she didn’t tell me this herself. I want to stop ruminating this relationship and the more I was listening to it it makes sense the part that you said that they will come to terms in an agreement with the relationship is not working anymore. Had this conversation before we’ve been on and off for almost 5 years and I think this time she’s not gonna come back, maybe she would maybe she won’t but at this point I don’t want the relationship because I don’t want to keep living like this with her like I said I am anxious. I have more of as attachment style to me and I’m always caring. I’m always loving I’m always chasing always looking to fix the relationship and she’s an avoidant dismissed one too. Please help me to stop the relationship at this point. I just wanna move on recover and move on my name is Tee thank you. Looking forward to hearing from you.
Wow this video is spot on. I have a much better understanding. Thank you so much
I’m so glad. Thanks for sharing!
Amazing explanation. You put words to feelings and thought processes I have when triggered. Thank you!
You’re so welcome! Which attachment style do you resonate with from this video? ..if you don’t mind me asking.
I've watched many videos on this topic, but this one is most profound. Epic example of relationship dynamics. Thank you
Wow, thank you! That feels really good to hear.
Last Friday he said "I can't leave this woman" we dated 1,5 months.. He disappeared a few times, he freaked out twice.. Used my insecurities against me.. He called me his ex name twice during trigger.. He made me jealous by purpose. N in the beginning we had sex. No romantic but after we got closer we had no xxx. No kissing, holding hands but he often mentioned how sexy I am. It's so weird. He ended it last Friday afternoon n now is very cold to me. I feel like the rebound after his toxic rs
Its the most frustrtaing and confusing thing when you spend years in a relationship, put all of you into and work to be a better person because YOU are actually wanting a poaitive future with them, and out of the blue your partner dissmisses you like you never existed. Espcially when you are accused of narcissism, and your partner has addiction issues tied to "dealing" with relationship issues....
No self refelction, responsibility or meeting you half way about anything...
You may do more work to try to understand them.than they do themselves...
Its a heart breaker.....
Gotta work to understand yourself instead and shed the blame thrown upon you....
Going through this now with an avoidant. 3.5 yrs she has ran away twice . The way she leaves is super damaging and really has destroyed me over the years. The conditions of us getting back together were she needed to go to counseling. Well I didnt keep that boundary well. We moved in together and got married. She loves me hard in the beginning of us getting back but then when stresses are added she then shuts down.i now can tell. I knew if was a matter of time. No major fight and we even had a talk where we were going to go to counseling and work on us. Last Monday we talked and all seemed normal. Came home from work and her and her stuff was gone. Now she wants a divorce. This will be her forth divorce. Not sure what to do! 😢
Please deal with the pain and move on
Do avoidants tend to suffer less after a breakup like their coldness suggests?
It's bittersweet this thing we call love avoidance
That it is.
No, just bitter.
😂😂😂😂