I’m my gosh, yes!!!! And you think you’re going crazy because the conversations are so twilight zone!!!! Sometimes I felt like I was being punked during my relationship.
So it’s an total asshole, and it stems from his childhood. Very similar to a narc, except the narc has the intent to hurt. But they are both still nightmare assholes to their partners
I should’ve known you a year ago and saved myself from this miserable 18 months I had with an avoidant .. I read lots of books on attachment theory but you pinpointed this so clearly that I had zero doubts about it. At least your content helped me break up with him. And yes he’s breaking no contact and didn’t communicate a peaceful closure although I did. Breaking up with him feels like closing a pandora box that keeps opening itself and I have the adult responsibility of closing it each time ..
Same here. Was discarded by an avoidant 2 weeks ago and only after did I come across one of Ryan's videos. It was a big aha moment and I watched a lot of them these last weeks. This one was just ✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅. They are all there in one way or another
I've lived through 10 out of 10 of these... never ever ever again. And now she is with someone she tells me she "thinks is a narc" and "just isn't sure about him". Seriously... why tell the person you discarded this?
To number 10, flaking on plans, I would also add talking a big game but never following through. Not so much future planning, but things like "hey we should get together weekly to have dinner and watch a movie or just hang out". And then nothing. And then when you call them on it its invariably "I'm too busy/work/stress/water is wet/sky is blue etc pattern of no excuse excuses". That is the one I actually picked up on, but she actually gave me just enough string to keep me chasing. Horrific experience.
I relate to this. My FA would talk a big talk over text and say we'd do this and that all day bla bla. Would meet up and... nothing really. Bare minimum all the time 😂
Actually not always this attachment type of attachment style can develop later in life too due to many other factors emotional neglect is the root cause but it's not the only way to become an avoidant
Absolutely nailed all of it Ryan. My ex is all of these things. Everything could be amazing but she had to sabotage all the time. We spend an amazing day together and boom… disappears. NOT NORMAL.
Seems like avoidant people can actually be in a long-term relationship, doesn’t it? My avoidant ex was being with his ex for 8 years before breaking up with her to chase me (and then breaking up with me telling he’s lost his feeling)
@@thaoho8991 it’s not a true long term relationship, they aren’t capable of it. She left for days and weeks every couple months at any sign of the slightest conflict for the 7 years. It depends on how much of you own boundaries and needs you are willing to sacrifice as to the extent an avoidant can be in any sort of long term relationship, but it’s not a healthy kind at all. On either side. I should never have let it go on past the first discard. Says a lot about us that we allow this kind of neglect to take place doesn’t it?
Jesus christ. I shouldhave watched this video while i was together with my ex to save myself months long depression after his discard. Especiaally the "independence" thing is such a big sign, i can't even count how many times my ex told me "i like my independence" out of nowhere and i was like okay, no one is locking you up there buddy chill😅 but these people need therapy otherwise they will crusch your heart...
same here, mine took so much pride in not needing anything from anyone, and being independent and having their 'space', and for managing their emotions internally. They would say stuff like this a lot. And things like "i dont chase people".
@@Healing_Oaks I went through exactly the same thing.. could not get out of bed and lost weight and strength because of crying everyday and loss of appetite. Has been 4 months now and i am doing much better, i am still occasionally crying and reminiscing but i swear it gets better.
If she had communicated to me at all about any feelings, I would have worked to reconcile things. Instead she pulled away for weeks and then laid out the things about me she found “triggering” at the moment of breakup. I’m frustrated.
That’s what they do. Dont blame yourself. She was INCAPABLE of actually caring about how you feel. Don’t take it personally. I know it’s hard but it’s not you. They’re really broken
Let's add to hyper independent...HYPER PRIVATE. I used to ask my "not bf" D.A. if he was mi6. You were never allowed to know where he was or who or what....and if you ask he gave bland, general, coy well worded answers
I can understand how you feel. Went through that myself. I am crawling out of self-loathing because mine was just a master master chameleon. It still hurts but I now know she is the one losing out, and I am much more aware and committed to setting boundaries if I decide to date in the future.
These behaviors are rather complicated for my little mind. If I like you and you like me and if there are shared values and no mind games a friendship could be built. If not, I'll stay in my own yard.
I just recently ended a relationship with an avoidant and this video was spot on about the red flags. One that was missing was them bragging about ghosting people. Mine did that and I thought it was strange but it all makes sense now that I understand what an avoidant is. My avoidant actually popped in about an hour before I saw this video and I told her to buzz off. I told her I didn't need that kind of energy around me and wished her well in life. I'm grateful to these videos because these videos prepared me for what to do when that person did pop back in. I'm sure she'll be back again later but these videos really helped me to see that those are not the kind of people I want in my life. It has also forced me to do a lot of internal dialogue with myself about what made me attract these kind of people and has helped me to do the inner work necessary to become more and more secure moving forward. Thank you Coach Ryan.
It’s exactly a picture of my avoidant ex. Too late to know he is a severe avoidant at the beginning of situationship decorated as serious relationship. Lot of red flags such as white lies, triangulations, sarcasm insults and awkward moments since
This sounds like a covert narcissist, rather than just an avoidant. Can be hard to know the difference, unless you've had years of experience, I can just recommend seeing the videos because the info helps to know what we're dealing with. NPD is not known to change but to get worse over time. Attachment can be fixed with awareness and determination.
The avoidant and narcissist can seem very similar. The difference are that narcs intend to hurt. But they are both inconsiderate and toxic. Avoidants also lovebombs
Yep, my ex exhibited nine of the ten red flags! It’s both sad and infuriating that so many people, especially those over the age of 40, allow their hurts, childhood wounds, and fears to control them while finding no issue with hurting and wounding others. It’s beyond negligent and disrespectful to CHOOSE this route. All we can do is learn from our mistakes, and move on to bigger and better things.
It's subconscious, I don't think they realize it unless they've watched videos like this, they think everyone experiences the same thing because there's nothing they've known differently to compare it to. I believe it feels something like a panic attack coming on, and they make the decision to start withdrawing, believing it's the only way to survive. so the breakup comes as a shock to us but they've been preparing themselves for some time. I don't believe anyone would choose/decide to simply do it on purpose, because everyone wants love. It's a subconscious problem that arises out of trauma. If you or I decided to do that to someone, when we don't have this subconscious trauma, yes then it would be as you said, negligent and disrespectful and all that. Empathy is understanding where they are coming from, the noteworthy word being 'they'. Too many peeps are getting upset because of understanding from own viewpoint only.
Hi Coach, I just want to drop a thank you here for all your work, and for helping me to understand different personality types (including my own), and how all the variables impact and define my relationships. I’ve done a LOT of educating myself in an effort to improve my relationships and grow as a person, and the information in your videos really stands out among the many. I hold you in the same regard as I do Dr. Ramani and Dr. Carter, which is really saying something in my book. Your no-contact content truly helped me hold on to my self-respect when I needed an encouraging reminder. Good stuff!
Only time he talked about anything is when he was drunk ! Alcoholic! Couldn’t get anything out of him sober ! No he was married for 25 years but cheated! So toxic !! He met me months later after left his wife
Excellent video, so helpful! I'd add, when looking at their past relationship history, look out for lengthy but long distance relationships, where they only saw eachother every few weekends, always keeping it a fun holiday, but never having to deal together with life's real daily stresses, nor was there any joint paying of bills, etc. ie no commitment, lots of time spent apart in different cities or towns, and no real depth. Red flag I learned about the hard way. 🚩Also, I'd now be wary of someone who is in their 50's or beyond who has never been married, and/or who never wanted children. At first, it seems like a great find! But it very well could indicate to their lack of wanting to care for another person, or feel the burden of responsibility inherent in these relationships. Generally, I think a well-adjusted person who really wanted love and commitment would have at least tried it in the past (and hopefully, learned from its failure.) Coach Ryan, do you agree with this, or want to correct or add anything?
The short term relationship thing just hit me. But every break up was around the six month mark. Every single one and he didn’t date at all the year and a half I was NC. I don’t know all of his history but the ones I know match this. I am just shocked. It’s like you knew him personally
Super helpful!! I was dumped by an avoidant 3 months ago. I’m dating a new man and my DA radar is pinging. He’s moving fast and eager with little emotional content. So far. I’m Healing well thanks to your videos (wish I’d found you seven months ago)!! Thanks for your insights.
wow, I made the mistake of ignoring her red flags. But I feel better to know im not the only one dealing with this. She started detaching and I have noticed a hostile attitude towards me lately.
You described him to the TEE!!! Smfh he makes me feel uneasy, full of anxiety and drained I'm trauma bonded and I'm praying asking God to change the situation somehow. It hurts being involved but it also hurts to think about walking away. I hate this feeling. I need calmness inner peace. God help me. Please who ever is reading this pray for my inner peace and hopefully this situation turning around better than I could've imagined. 🙏💖✨️
Stop running away from your own responsibility - god won't help you - the Situation won't magically change - the only one who can bring change is you - so do it
Omg… here I am realizing how avoidant I was and can be yet I’m more secure now … if I’m not interested I’ll avoid but will open up when I feel interested and emotionally safe and comfortable
Spacing out text messages allows them to go back and forth from the women they are interacting with. The time of night and length between replies were indicators.
You seem confused if you really mean multiple women at the same time, you were just dating a narcissist off dating apps, avoidants tend to deal at that level only with one, stop falling for only appearance
@@kalencorrie8525 NPD needs a lot of supply, and are always depending on other people to get their time, emotions, money etc. While it's not ruled out completely for an avoidant to have NPD it's rare because they are independent. NPD is much more common with the other styles because narcs like to interact and ask for things, in fact they expect it too, totally entitled and think you're there for their benefit
Thank you for your sincere reply. I appreciate it. The x is happy to be single and “fit” women in as he likes. Our last conversation, he stated he didn’t need anyone yet family recognizes he hates to be alone. Confusing years of a relationship…understatement. For me, I matter now.
This was a great summary! My avoidant ex however was very open speaking about his emotions. I guess there are nuances. What I would love to hear are a couple of examples of emotional neglect in childhood. You often mention but I can't really grasp it. What exactly does that mean? Thanks so much!
Emotional neglect examples could be things like a child crying and their parents just leaving them in the room alone,or they are sad and their caretaker probably told them to just suck it up,or other signs that showed them nobody cared about their emotions,it definitely goes deeper than that & I too would like to see examples of this
@@afrolessninja My ex avoidant’s dad and grandmother were very nasty people. His dad used to whip him and his brothers with a belt, sometimes for nothing. My avoidant ex also said that he couldn’t get a woman pregnant because of an “accident” when he was a kid. He never told me what that “accident” was. I wonder if that stemmed from abuse too??
My DA ex had a few of those but not all. He was pretty responsible about keeping to arrangements, but kept a lot of distance so I mirrored him, don't know if that was the right thing to do but I didn't want to run after him, and it was not easy. One good thing about independence at least then you know it's most likely not a narcissist, because they're very dependant and act like everything you have is theirs.
Coach Ryan - How do they “assert their independence”? Are they giving you play by play updates of what they are doing for their entire day when you didn’t ask?
Yep...I just ended a relationship 2 months ago...and almost all of these happened. And yes when they want to avoid give you true answers they give you a play by play of their day. It's easier to talk about all the things they have to do so they don't have to spend time with you...as they are too busy. Also easier to talk about surface issues for them.
Something that’s confused me is my avoidant ex said she was scared of commitment but then she didn’t have any issues commiting to getting tattoos even though they were a lifelong commitment. I don’t have anything against tattoos and I’m considering getting a couple but this is confusing that they weren’t afraid of getting lifelong tattoos but were afraid of committing to other things.
Interesting. My avoidant ex has said he is horrible at making decisions and regrets every decision he's made which is one reason he never got a tattoo. I guess that should have been a huge red flag to me. I guess he felt if he had committed to me he would regret it. But on the other hand hopefully he'll regret not committing to me since I walked away and haven't looked back
Maybe because the tattoo is their mistake to take care of, if they later decide it was that. It's not gonna affect anyone else or burden anyone else. If they forced you to tattoo their name on yourself, ok that's where you draw the line 😅and then it's def not an avoidant you're dealing with
My avoidant ex had a tattoo near his heart. It was a tribute to the only man, I believe treated him well in childhood, his Paw Paw. The tattoo was a dream catcher that said, “Paw Paw.”
Please Holy-Benevolent angels, come to my aid. Comfort me and protect me and guide me and direct me and soothe me. My heart is heavy and my soul is raped and I’m so tired of going through this pain. I need your help to get me through this. Please no more heart break. I'm in hell. I can't keep going through hell. HELP ME!! MY VOICE HAS BEEN SILENCED MY WHOLE DAMN LIFE. MY BEAUTIFUL SACRED MIRACULOUS VOICE. MY VOICE IS MY MAGICAL GIFT OF TRANSMUTATION! That being said, all my life... I have given people access to me in ways that I should not have EVER granted them access now, I want to scream at the top of my lungs: FUCK OFF!! YOU DO NOT GET TO HAVE ACCESS TO ME IN THAT WAY!! THE DOOR IS NOT OPEN!! YOU MAY NOT COME IN!! ACCESS DENIED!! I've been programmed my whole life to be silent, conditioned to have no boundaries... Here's what I'm learning... Never EVER EVER EVER beg for Love. True Love is given voluntarily, freely, openly, passionately! Everything else is toxic ABUSIVE bullshit!!! Being your best self for the wrong person will bring out the worst version of you... When you don’t know your value, people will put you in places you don’t deserve... Anxious and avoidant styles are like the rabbit and the turtle story... Anxious people are furiously looking for solutions (usually on UA-cam, and the like...) Like obsessed maniacs, while avoidants are in their turtle shells... Letting their relationships collapse around them, too afraid to expose themselves... (Listen to the "Game of Life and How to Play it" by Florence Schovell Shinn ~ it will change your life!!) - Come up with your desired reality: SEE it, FEEL it, EXPERIENCE it, BELIEVE it, KNOW it - Persist in those affirmations and prayers and visualizations - Do not react to your current reality (it's IRRELEVANT!) - Current circumstances do NOT matter (Anxiously attached partners only feel as safe as their last interaction with their partner...) Early signs of healing for anxious-attachers: 1. You recognize that you are responsible for the types of relationship you engage in... 2. You’re able to see limerence for what it really-truly-actually is! (Believing the dreams and fantasies we have about someone over the reality we see about someone!) 3. You’re able to recognize the value of self-regulation and you’re creating strategies for reminding yourself that you’re okay! You can both co-regulate and self-regulate as needed/appropriate. Our relationship with a person is the relationship we have with them NOW, today, not the relationship we hope to, fantasize to, wish to: have with them in the future! If you're avoidant, you most likely have said to family members - who had a major role in your childhood: "You only accepted me or liked me when I was happy/obedient/emotionless." This one simple statement fits with ALL the core symptoms of avoidant attachment: 1. Being overly self-reliant (and in doing so, you hide your needs, emotions, problems, and acute illnesses) 2. Pushing down anger until it explodes and manufactures the boundaries you crave but can't/don't/won't always ask for 3. Not wanting to burden others with your problems 4. Wanting to fix your own issues to avoid looking incompetent or even getting bullied and teased/mocked 5. Numbing out emotions with self-soothing behaviors that are either totally unhealthy or pseudo-healthy (like getting addicted to working out and healthy eating) Remember ALWAYS this process is all about YOU!!! Not him. He is just a catalyst. The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that YOU are special, too! After he initiated/catalyzed your trauma, you're now left to deal with and to heal: all that has come to the surface. GOOD! This is a blessing. HUGE BLESSING!! Albeit painful. A necessary blessing, nonetheless. HUGE-HUGE gift! Take this gift and be eternally grateful. Major advice!!! Listen closely!!! NEVER ever EVER CHASE HIM. He will run further and you will lose yourself more. You are the feminine. You are the divine goddess. You just be and approve (or disapprove) whoever comes along. It's a yes: you meet my requirements, or: it's a no, you do not. Be clear on whom you're accepting as a partner and DO NOT settle for less (or you just delay what's actually really divinely meant for you). Accept your struggle, anxiety, fear, sadness, shame, rage, despair, grief etc. Whatever comes up. It's all human, and in need of your attention. If you push it away, deny it, block it, hide it, or run from it... You will just have to deal with it later... And when later comes, those emotions will be: intensified/amplified/magnified! 1) Put yourself first and foremost! 2) Fall in love with yourself. Be your own dream girl. 3) Rejection is redirection. Embrace the energies of miraculous possibilities. AND REMEMBER: STOP making it all about manifestation when really, it's actually all about VIBRATION! AND: If you haven't heard today... You are so very loved and you are so very worthy of love. The hardest part is learning to love yourself and to know: it's not all your fault, and to see: that you're beautiful; wonderfully perfectly brilliantly created. You're stronger than most; a true leader/warrior in the making. Keep going and keep thanking. Remember Jesus was an outcast and he suffered more than any human being could ever endure... And the most important message here is to forgive them and to forgive yourself and to love all. Keep walking in truth. Our God is able and can see your heart’s cry. He knows every tear that has fallen and continues to fall from your eyes... Take heart - Christ is close to the broken hearted! He is a God of good surprises. Throw out the idea of your past, throw the past years, completely away. Get rid of them, do not acknowledge them any longer. Redefine and recreate your self today! HERE! NOW! You are an artist and an alchemist and a creator and you have the immense power to repaint this dream... * I am The Song Of the Universe! * Today is a Miraculous Wonderfully Delicious Magical Day! * I am in PERFECT HEALTH and I have ABUNDANT WEALTH in my New Earth Divine Crystalline Body!
If she had communicated to me at all about any feelings, I would have worked to reconcile things. Instead she pulled away for weeks and then laid out the things about me she found “triggering” at the moment of breakup. I’m frustrated.
They are such difficult people, yet somehow make you feel like the difficult one
Yes they are master's of altered reality for sure. Once away from her I realized just how despicable that behavior is.
ABSOLUTELY
👌
I’m my gosh, yes!!!! And you think you’re going crazy because the conversations are so twilight zone!!!! Sometimes I felt like I was being punked during my relationship.
So it’s an total asshole, and it stems from his childhood. Very similar to a narc, except the narc has the intent to hurt. But they are both still nightmare assholes to their partners
I should’ve known you a year ago and saved myself from this miserable 18 months I had with an avoidant .. I read lots of books on attachment theory but you pinpointed this so clearly that I had zero doubts about it. At least your content helped me break up with him. And yes he’s breaking no contact and didn’t communicate a peaceful closure although I did. Breaking up with him feels like closing a pandora box that keeps opening itself and I have the adult responsibility of closing it each time ..
Same here. Was discarded by an avoidant 2 weeks ago and only after did I come across one of Ryan's videos. It was a big aha moment and I watched a lot of them these last weeks. This one was just ✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅. They are all there in one way or another
what's the difference between "avoidant" & "asshole"?
None 😂😂😂😂
Or covert narcissist, they're basically all the same
I totally agree
😂
Self centered, self absorbed or self focused. The asshole is rather selfish.
I've lived through 10 out of 10 of these... never ever ever again. And now she is with someone she tells me she "thinks is a narc" and "just isn't sure about him". Seriously... why tell the person you discarded this?
To number 10, flaking on plans, I would also add talking a big game but never following through. Not so much future planning, but things like "hey we should get together weekly to have dinner and watch a movie or just hang out". And then nothing. And then when you call them on it its invariably "I'm too busy/work/stress/water is wet/sky is blue etc pattern of no excuse excuses". That is the one I actually picked up on, but she actually gave me just enough string to keep me chasing. Horrific experience.
I relate to this. My FA would talk a big talk over text and say we'd do this and that all day bla bla. Would meet up and... nothing really. Bare minimum all the time 😂
Avoidance is always always childhood trauma
Actually not always this attachment type of attachment style can develop later in life too due to many other factors emotional neglect is the root cause but it's not the only way to become an avoidant
Absolutely nailed all of it Ryan. My ex is all of these things. Everything could be amazing but she had to sabotage all the time. We spend an amazing day together and boom… disappears. NOT NORMAL.
My ex of 7 years had every single one of these red flags and she had me convinced I was the problem all along
Seems like avoidant people can actually be in a long-term relationship, doesn’t it? My avoidant ex was being with his ex for 8 years before breaking up with her to chase me (and then breaking up with me telling he’s lost his feeling)
@@thaoho8991 it’s not a true long term relationship, they aren’t capable of it. She left for days and weeks every couple months at any sign of the slightest conflict for the 7 years. It depends on how much of you own boundaries and needs you are willing to sacrifice as to the extent an avoidant can be in any sort of long term relationship, but it’s not a healthy kind at all. On either side. I should never have let it go on past the first discard. Says a lot about us that we allow this kind of neglect to take place doesn’t it?
@@migueld5227 Avoidants teach us boundaries
@@migueld5227it says alot about how loving and caring you are. Hope you find someone who will match your heart after all that!
They also scar us very badly!
Jesus christ. I shouldhave watched this video while i was together with my ex to save myself months long depression after his discard. Especiaally the "independence" thing is such a big sign, i can't even count how many times my ex told me "i like my independence" out of nowhere and i was like okay, no one is locking you up there buddy chill😅 but these people need therapy otherwise they will crusch your heart...
same here, mine took so much pride in not needing anything from anyone, and being independent and having their 'space', and for managing their emotions internally. They would say stuff like this a lot. And things like "i dont chase people".
I also got discarded. It was the MOST painful experience. I spent months in bed with severe depression
@@Healing_Oaks how are you doing now? what helped?
@@Healing_Oaks I went through exactly the same thing.. could not get out of bed and lost weight and strength because of crying everyday and loss of appetite. Has been 4 months now and i am doing much better, i am still occasionally crying and reminiscing but i swear it gets better.
@Ari-ih5un still in a lot of pain now but not in bed all day
If she had communicated to me at all about any feelings, I would have worked to reconcile things. Instead she pulled away for weeks and then laid out the things about me she found “triggering” at the moment of breakup. I’m frustrated.
Same😢
That’s what they do. Dont blame yourself. She was INCAPABLE of actually caring about how you feel. Don’t take it personally. I know it’s hard but it’s not you. They’re really broken
Let's add to hyper independent...HYPER PRIVATE. I used to ask my "not bf" D.A. if he was mi6. You were never allowed to know where he was or who or what....and if you ask he gave bland, general, coy well worded answers
I hate myself to go in to that "beneficial" conection/relationship/situationship...really hate myself
I can understand how you feel. Went through that myself. I am crawling out of self-loathing because mine was just a master master chameleon. It still hurts but I now know she is the one losing out, and I am much more aware and committed to setting boundaries if I decide to date in the future.
#Avoid the Avoidant .
I wish I had, so not worth the constant head fk 😬
For me it reached the point of physical pain and hormone imbalances
These behaviors are rather complicated for my little mind. If I like you and you like me and if there are shared values and no mind games a friendship could be built. If not, I'll stay in my own yard.
I just recently ended a relationship with an avoidant and this video was spot on about the red flags. One that was missing was them bragging about ghosting people. Mine did that and I thought it was strange but it all makes sense now that I understand what an avoidant is. My avoidant actually popped in about an hour before I saw this video and I told her to buzz off. I told her I didn't need that kind of energy around me and wished her well in life.
I'm grateful to these videos because these videos prepared me for what to do when that person did pop back in. I'm sure she'll be back again later but these videos really helped me to see that those are not the kind of people I want in my life. It has also forced me to do a lot of internal dialogue with myself about what made me attract these kind of people and has helped me to do the inner work necessary to become more and more secure moving forward. Thank you Coach Ryan.
Hold firm to your boundaries, they either have to change themselves, or they'll leave you in peace
😲Wow!!! My ex had practically ALL of these.
I never knew or heard of an avoidant before you Coach.
Thank you so much!!🎉
Ryan, thank you for validating my sanity...I've thought maybe I was crazy for years with him.
It’s exactly a picture of my avoidant ex. Too late to know he is a severe avoidant at the beginning of situationship decorated as serious relationship. Lot of red flags such as white lies, triangulations, sarcasm insults and awkward moments since
This sounds like a covert narcissist, rather than just an avoidant. Can be hard to know the difference, unless you've had years of experience, I can just recommend seeing the videos because the info helps to know what we're dealing with. NPD is not known to change but to get worse over time. Attachment can be fixed with awareness and determination.
The avoidant and narcissist can seem very similar. The difference are that narcs intend to hurt. But they are both inconsiderate and toxic. Avoidants also lovebombs
Well I was in a situationship disguised as marriage. Glad we both got out!
They’re difficult to read. They brag about it as if it’s something to be proud of. 😮😮😮😮😮😮
Yep, my ex exhibited nine of the ten red flags! It’s both sad and infuriating that so many people, especially those over the age of 40, allow their hurts, childhood wounds, and fears to control them while finding no issue with hurting and wounding others. It’s beyond negligent and disrespectful to CHOOSE this route. All we can do is learn from our mistakes, and move on to bigger and better things.
It's subconscious, I don't think they realize it unless they've watched videos like this, they think everyone experiences the same thing because there's nothing they've known differently to compare it to. I believe it feels something like a panic attack coming on, and they make the decision to start withdrawing, believing it's the only way to survive. so the breakup comes as a shock to us but they've been preparing themselves for some time. I don't believe anyone would choose/decide to simply do it on purpose, because everyone wants love. It's a subconscious problem that arises out of trauma. If you or I decided to do that to someone, when we don't have this subconscious trauma, yes then it would be as you said, negligent and disrespectful and all that. Empathy is understanding where they are coming from, the noteworthy word being 'they'. Too many peeps are getting upset because of understanding from own viewpoint only.
Thank you for this information!
Hi Coach,
I just want to drop a thank you here for all your work, and for helping me to understand different personality types (including my own), and how all the variables impact and define my relationships.
I’ve done a LOT of educating myself in an effort to improve my relationships and grow as a person, and the information in your videos really stands out among the many. I hold you in the same regard as I do Dr. Ramani and Dr. Carter, which is really saying something in my book.
Your no-contact content truly helped me hold on to my self-respect when I needed an encouraging reminder.
Good stuff!
This one little video has been amazing in my journey of understanding avoidance. Wow they are literally trying to avoid us
Only time he talked about anything is when he was drunk !
Alcoholic!
Couldn’t get anything out of him sober !
No he was married for 25 years but cheated!
So toxic !!
He met me months later after left his wife
Excellent video, so helpful! I'd add, when looking at their past relationship history, look out for lengthy but long distance relationships, where they only saw eachother every few weekends, always keeping it a fun holiday, but never having to deal together with life's real daily stresses, nor was there any joint paying of bills, etc. ie no commitment, lots of time spent apart in different cities or towns, and no real depth. Red flag I learned about the hard way. 🚩Also, I'd now be wary of someone who is in their 50's or beyond who has never been married, and/or who never wanted children. At first, it seems like a great find! But it very well could indicate to their lack of wanting to care for another person, or feel the burden of responsibility inherent in these relationships. Generally, I think a well-adjusted person who really wanted love and commitment would have at least tried it in the past (and hopefully, learned from its failure.)
Coach Ryan, do you agree with this, or want to correct or add anything?
The short term relationship thing just hit me. But every break up was around the six month mark. Every single one and he didn’t date at all the year and a half I was NC. I don’t know all of his history but the ones I know match this. I am just shocked. It’s like you knew him personally
DAaaaammmmeeeeeee!!! Right on the money! Thank you! I needed this to keep to watch out for in the future.
Congratulations coach you know what you're talking about. Big respect for you for describing my ex.
Super helpful!! I was dumped by an avoidant 3 months ago. I’m dating a new man and my DA radar is pinging.
He’s moving fast and eager with little emotional content. So far.
I’m Healing well thanks to your videos (wish I’d found you seven months ago)!!
Thanks for your insights.
Wow! This hit on many levels. Thank you.
Here again, brilliant guidance. I cannot thank you enough for the healing I've had through your content.
When I brought up an issue to my ex he would often say that I was violating his integrity, even if I did so in a mild manner.
wow, I made the mistake of ignoring her red flags. But I feel better to know im not the only one dealing with this. She started detaching and I have noticed a hostile attitude towards me lately.
that is what I've been dealing with for months until a month ago when I told her goodbye. Stay strong and do not contact her
Omg. Brilliant. ❤
You described him to the TEE!!! Smfh he makes me feel uneasy, full of anxiety and drained I'm trauma bonded and I'm praying asking God to change the situation somehow. It hurts being involved but it also hurts to think about walking away. I hate this feeling. I need calmness inner peace. God help me. Please who ever is reading this pray for my inner peace and hopefully this situation turning around better than I could've imagined. 🙏💖✨️
Work on yourself😊
Praying to gd for the love of an avoidant is seriously toxic, the last thing people with trauma need is more magical thinking 😂
@@adreaminxy😂😂
Stop running away from your own responsibility - god won't help you - the Situation won't magically change - the only one who can bring change is you - so do it
Damn my ex had it all😅 its makes me mad but calm now😮❤ thank you
Okay so I'm just a walking red flag I guess
Omg… here I am realizing how avoidant I was and can be yet I’m more secure now … if I’m not interested I’ll avoid but will open up when I feel interested and emotionally safe and comfortable
When you say “not interested” do you mean in the person in general or in a moment during the relationship?
Spacing out text messages allows them to go back and forth from the women they are interacting with. The time of night and length between replies were indicators.
You seem confused if you really mean multiple women at the same time, you were just dating a narcissist off dating apps, avoidants tend to deal at that level only with one, stop falling for only appearance
This man is avoidant with npd.
@@kalencorrie8525 NPD needs a lot of supply, and are always depending on other people to get their time, emotions, money etc. While it's not ruled out completely for an avoidant to have NPD it's rare because they are independent. NPD is much more common with the other styles because narcs like to interact and ask for things, in fact they expect it too, totally entitled and think you're there for their benefit
Thank you for your sincere reply. I appreciate it. The x is happy to be single and “fit” women in as he likes. Our last conversation, he stated he didn’t need anyone yet family recognizes he hates to be alone. Confusing years of a relationship…understatement. For me, I matter now.
@@S5Dic09Interesting. I thought they may juggle multiple women at the same time.
This was a great summary! My avoidant ex however was very open speaking about his emotions. I guess there are nuances. What I would love to hear are a couple of examples of emotional neglect in childhood. You often mention but I can't really grasp it. What exactly does that mean? Thanks so much!
Emotional neglect examples could be things like a child crying and their parents just leaving them in the room alone,or they are sad and their caretaker probably told them to just suck it up,or other signs that showed them nobody cared about their emotions,it definitely goes deeper than that & I too would like to see examples of this
@@afrolessninja 🙏
@@afrolessninja My ex avoidant’s dad and grandmother were very nasty people. His dad used to whip him and his brothers with a belt, sometimes for nothing. My avoidant ex also said that he couldn’t get a woman pregnant because of an “accident” when he was a kid. He never told me what that “accident” was. I wonder if that stemmed from abuse too??
Yea. 10 for 10. Ouch
My DA ex had a few of those but not all. He was pretty responsible about keeping to arrangements, but kept a lot of distance so I mirrored him, don't know if that was the right thing to do but I didn't want to run after him, and it was not easy. One good thing about independence at least then you know it's most likely not a narcissist, because they're very dependant and act like everything you have is theirs.
Coach Ryan - How do they “assert their independence”? Are they giving you play by play updates of what they are doing for their entire day when you didn’t ask?
Yep...I just ended a relationship 2 months ago...and almost all of these happened. And yes when they want to avoid give you true answers they give you a play by play of their day. It's easier to talk about all the things they have to do so they don't have to spend time with you...as they are too busy. Also easier to talk about surface issues for them.
Something that’s confused me is my avoidant ex said she was scared of commitment but then she didn’t have any issues commiting to getting tattoos even though they were a lifelong commitment.
I don’t have anything against tattoos and I’m considering getting a couple but this is confusing that they weren’t afraid of getting lifelong tattoos but were afraid of committing to other things.
Interesting. My avoidant ex has said he is horrible at making decisions and regrets every decision he's made which is one reason he never got a tattoo. I guess that should have been a huge red flag to me. I guess he felt if he had committed to me he would regret it. But on the other hand hopefully he'll regret not committing to me since I walked away and haven't looked back
Tattoos have ZERO emotions /Life, too 😞
Maybe because the tattoo is their mistake to take care of, if they later decide it was that. It's not gonna affect anyone else or burden anyone else. If they forced you to tattoo their name on yourself, ok that's where you draw the line 😅and then it's def not an avoidant you're dealing with
My avoidant ex had a tattoo near his heart. It was a tribute to the only man, I believe treated him well in childhood, his Paw Paw. The tattoo was a dream catcher that said, “Paw Paw.”
A person is way more complicated than a tattoo
My ex girlfriend showed all these red flags
Wow! I know a person who has 10 out of 10😂
🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️
#RamonaFlowers
Please Holy-Benevolent angels, come to my aid.
Comfort me and protect me and guide me and direct me and soothe me.
My heart is heavy and my soul is raped and I’m so tired of going through this pain.
I need your help to get me through this.
Please no more heart break. I'm in hell.
I can't keep going through hell. HELP ME!!
MY VOICE HAS BEEN SILENCED MY WHOLE DAMN LIFE.
MY BEAUTIFUL SACRED MIRACULOUS VOICE.
MY VOICE IS MY MAGICAL GIFT OF TRANSMUTATION!
That being said,
all my life...
I have given people access to me
in ways that I should not have EVER
granted them access
now,
I want to scream
at the top of my lungs:
FUCK OFF!!
YOU DO NOT GET TO HAVE ACCESS TO ME IN THAT WAY!!
THE DOOR IS NOT OPEN!!
YOU MAY NOT COME IN!!
ACCESS DENIED!!
I've been programmed my whole life to be silent,
conditioned to have no boundaries...
Here's what I'm learning...
Never EVER EVER EVER
beg for Love.
True Love is given voluntarily,
freely, openly, passionately!
Everything else is toxic ABUSIVE bullshit!!!
Being your best self
for the wrong person
will bring out the worst version of you...
When you don’t know your value,
people will put you in places you don’t deserve...
Anxious and avoidant styles are like the rabbit and the turtle story...
Anxious people are furiously looking for solutions (usually on UA-cam, and the like...)
Like obsessed maniacs,
while avoidants are in their turtle shells...
Letting their relationships collapse around them,
too afraid to expose themselves...
(Listen to the "Game of Life and How to Play it"
by Florence Schovell Shinn ~ it will change your life!!)
- Come up with your desired reality: SEE it, FEEL it, EXPERIENCE it, BELIEVE it, KNOW it
- Persist in those affirmations and prayers and visualizations
- Do not react to your current reality (it's IRRELEVANT!)
- Current circumstances do NOT matter
(Anxiously attached partners only feel as safe as their last interaction with their partner...)
Early signs of healing for anxious-attachers:
1. You recognize that you are responsible for the types of relationship you engage in...
2. You’re able to see limerence for what it really-truly-actually is!
(Believing the dreams and fantasies we have about someone
over the reality we see about someone!)
3. You’re able to recognize the value of self-regulation
and you’re creating strategies for reminding yourself that you’re okay!
You can both co-regulate and self-regulate as needed/appropriate.
Our relationship with a person is the relationship we have with them NOW, today,
not the relationship we hope to, fantasize to, wish to: have with them in the future!
If you're avoidant,
you most likely have said to family members
- who had a major role in your childhood:
"You only accepted me or liked me
when I was happy/obedient/emotionless."
This one simple statement fits with ALL
the core symptoms
of avoidant attachment:
1. Being overly self-reliant
(and in doing so, you hide your needs, emotions, problems, and acute illnesses)
2. Pushing down anger until it explodes
and manufactures the boundaries you crave
but can't/don't/won't always ask for
3. Not wanting to burden others with your problems
4. Wanting to fix your own issues to avoid looking incompetent
or even getting bullied and teased/mocked
5. Numbing out emotions with self-soothing behaviors
that are either totally unhealthy or pseudo-healthy
(like getting addicted to working out and healthy eating)
Remember ALWAYS
this process is all about YOU!!!
Not him.
He is just a catalyst.
The most painful thing is losing yourself
in the process of loving someone too much,
and forgetting that YOU
are special, too!
After he initiated/catalyzed your trauma,
you're now left to deal with and to heal:
all that has come to the surface.
GOOD! This is a blessing. HUGE BLESSING!!
Albeit painful. A necessary blessing, nonetheless.
HUGE-HUGE gift! Take this gift and be eternally grateful.
Major advice!!!
Listen closely!!!
NEVER ever EVER
CHASE HIM.
He will run further
and you will lose yourself more.
You are the feminine.
You are the divine goddess.
You just be
and approve (or disapprove)
whoever comes along.
It's a yes:
you meet my requirements,
or:
it's a no,
you do not.
Be clear
on whom you're accepting as a partner
and DO NOT settle for less
(or you just delay what's actually really divinely meant for you).
Accept your struggle,
anxiety, fear, sadness, shame, rage, despair, grief etc.
Whatever comes up.
It's all human, and in need of your attention.
If you push it away, deny it, block it, hide it, or run from it...
You will just have to deal with it later...
And when later comes,
those emotions will be:
intensified/amplified/magnified!
1) Put yourself first and foremost!
2) Fall in love with yourself. Be your own dream girl.
3) Rejection is redirection.
Embrace the energies of miraculous possibilities.
AND REMEMBER:
STOP making it all about manifestation
when really, it's actually all about VIBRATION!
AND:
If you haven't heard today...
You are so very loved
and you are so very worthy
of love.
The hardest part
is learning to love yourself
and to know: it's not all your fault,
and to see: that you're beautiful;
wonderfully perfectly
brilliantly created.
You're stronger than most;
a true leader/warrior in the making.
Keep going
and keep thanking.
Remember Jesus was an outcast
and he suffered more
than any human being
could ever endure...
And the most important message here is to forgive them
and to forgive yourself
and to love all.
Keep walking in truth.
Our God is able and can see your heart’s cry.
He knows every tear that has fallen
and continues to fall from your eyes...
Take heart - Christ is close to the broken hearted!
He is a God of good surprises.
Throw out the idea of your past,
throw the past years, completely away.
Get rid of them, do not acknowledge them any longer.
Redefine and recreate your self today! HERE! NOW!
You are an artist and an alchemist and a creator
and you have the immense power to repaint this dream...
* I am The Song Of the Universe!
* Today is a Miraculous Wonderfully Delicious Magical Day!
* I am in PERFECT HEALTH and I have ABUNDANT WEALTH in my New Earth Divine Crystalline Body!
I ain't gonna read all that
@@eppsislike😂
@@eppsislikeI SWEAR!! 😂
Ryan, thank you for validating my sanity...I've thought maybe I was crazy for years with him.
If she had communicated to me at all about any feelings, I would have worked to reconcile things. Instead she pulled away for weeks and then laid out the things about me she found “triggering” at the moment of breakup. I’m frustrated.