Trying to Please Others Makes NO ONE Happy (4-Video Compilation)
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- Опубліковано 18 тра 2024
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If you grew up with an abusive or neglectful parent - and especially if you were the oldest child -- you may have learned to dance around and do everything in your power to make Mom stop being sad. You may have erased your feelings and needs and instead poured ALL YOUR ENERGY into the parent. People who have done this often have a hard time getting perspective on it, and realizing that no parent should be draining the life out of a child just so THEY can feel OK. The parent’s needs are never met through this, but worse, the child completely loses any sense of self. And having no sense of self is bound to generate unhealthy adult relationships that continue the cycle. In this 4-video compilation I share some of my most popular videos on ways to set limits, stop people-pleasing and become your real self.
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Thank you for sharing the tools we need to help ourselves. What a blessing you are.
A roommate would be far better than living with parents if money is an issue.
Wish your information was out there 20 years ago. But thankful that I'm learning this now. Thank you.
Glad you are here! Thank you for watching.
Nika@TeamFairy
I’m not trying to hijack this comment section, and I hope it’s not viewed that way. I’ve been thinking about something a lot recently and would like to tell it and maybe just see how others feel about it. I have audio of my mother talking to my grandmother from when I was 3. She had locked me outside, out back (yard had no fence) to get me out of her hair so she could record a message to my grandmother. It was November in a very cold climate. She was complaining on the tape that I kept knocking and saying I was cold. She said, “he wants to come inside. I keep giving him candy to distract him, but he keeps knocking. Says he’s cold.” And she said it like I was being completely unreasonable. I was 3, cold, and could have wandered off or been kidnapped and disappeared forever. About 10 years ago, when I discovered the recording (I was digitizing what I thought would be nostalgic family memories), I mentioned what she said (I had no memory of it). I got nothing from her but an enraged death stare. An expression I’d never seen from her before.
About 5 years ago, my little dog went out of her dog door in the middle of the night to go potty during a storm. I had no idea it was going to storm and was sound asleep. She obviously became very frightened by thunder and lightning because in the morning we found her cowered with her head down in a corner of the patio, soaked, with her eyes closed. She was too scared to try to come back inside. We were heartbroken. No idea how long she was out there. We dried her off and loved on her. When my mom found out about it, she busted out laughing. Thinking she must have misunderstood something, it was explained to her again. She doubled down and said it was funny. When it was explained that there was absolutely nothing funny about it, she became angry and said that to her it was funny.
A couple of months ago, I confronted her about her not protecting my sisters and cousins from a child m*lester years ago. She ignored me. The stress of it caused me to have a heart attack a few days later. She knew and never contacted me when I was hospitalized. A few weeks after that, she emailed my wife to complain about me contacting her seeking answers about her lack of protection. My wife wisely didn’t tell me right away, because she didn’t want me to have another heart attack. A few more weeks passed, and my mom texted me out of the blue, still ignoring my inquiry, and was talking to me not only like I had somehow victimized her, like I was the bad guy, but also talked to me like I had passed away. It was weird. I’ve gone no contact. Thanks for putting up with me venting, and sorry this is so long.
❤
Wow 😢 So very sorry. Thanks for sharing ❤❤
As soon as I started reading your comment, I'm like go no contact! Good job, I happen to know how hard that is. I'm sending you strength, courage, and big hugs, from Tulsa 😙⚔️🫂. 🤠😘
Thank you for sharing...it wasn't long at all. That stare from your grandma, was that the first glimpse at who she really is or were there other signs?
Going no contact is the best thing. You can then start to heal! You can then live your life free of her judgement. My mother was emotionally abusive and my father is a highly traumatized perfectionist. I have grown so much since I have been free from their judgemental attitudes.
In regards to boundaries, I learned that it's really okay to set boundaries in love. When I was in a chaotic relationship, the idea of setting boundaries with someone you love seemed impossible and even crazy. But, now I learned that's exactly the way. I'm meant to stand up for myself and protect myself "in love". It's my factory setting as a soul to love with boundaries and the people who can't handle that simply has no space in my life.
I also learned that that's what most of us missing. Once we learn to set boundaries in love, it doesn't matter who we are dating. We are safe. We can love freely.
Before she even makes any comments, I'm just going to tell this guy. If he's reading this, please move out of the basement, find a room and rent it or something because I moved my mom back in with me who is emotionally unavailable because I thought she was sick and I needed to take care of her after years of being on my own and thriving and it's literally been 7 years and we haven't been separating in like. I am literally fighting for my life to not be that little girl that I was back then and right. When I get a chance to move out something happens and she finds a way to reel me back in so I don't know. I do not suggest moving back in with parents who were emotionally look letful or abusive even if they're older because there's this very weird dynamic of codependency and a meshman and all kind of weird stuff that happens to your brain and it's almost like you you really like. I really have been struggling so and don't worry I have a plan. I'll be out by the end of summer but it's taking me 7 years to get this this way where I lived 7 years previously before she moved in with me independently and doing very well
A lot of “dis-ease” ‘es are the body attacking itself simply because we are not living in our truth, in what God put in our hearts vs. what man made religion wants us to do/be. We are constantly living in DIS-EASE spiritually therefore manifest in the body.
I have faith in that belief as well! For instance a chiropractor told me often times extremely judgmental people get arthritis. All that pointing fingers at other people just living comes back in a health issue
All that stress on our growing bodies definitely leads to disease. Me , my sibs, my parents. It’s a rough world for all of us
This comes out the week I have been CONSTANTLY thinking of the boundaries I need to set...
Not just the boundaries with myself, but I had a co worker ask me how she should set boundaries 🤦🏼♀️
To think that in her life, Anna needed her own fairy
Now she blesses us with her knowledge and experience
I feel so incredibly lucky to have found this at 27
Im sure so many people would live to be in my position
For them and myself, i won't waste another year of my life trying to be the good son i thought i never was
We're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
It's not that I try to, it's that i'm actively told by an enabler father, that the only way to happiness is to make my mother happy. That if I defend myself it will "only make things worse" and that "if someone gets upset and lashes out, it's my fault that they reacted that way, and I have to take responsibility." So much of this was raged and screamed at me at a young child, and the trauma from that made me believe that if someone was upset at me, I did something wrong, and in turn I had to be good to them to not upset them and make them happy, because it's my fault that they are upset. It's messed up, I know. I personally have always believed in Justice and an "Eye for an Eye," so part of the abuse of my father, coupled with my own believes, I think is what came out of this. Because if I upset someone, then i should apologize. Then thing is, making someone happy? So I have to submit and be their slave? Or do something to degrade or hurt myself to "allow them to get back" at me? Just because they were mad at me for some reason I don't know about?
The second comment of "if someone gets upset at you it's your fault" was said to me when I was 10 years old at our family's Passover sedar. Mom always went all out for holidays making it all about her. The Sedar can be multiple hours long, and we were an hour into ours, and ~I made a comment or said something out of line(I was diagnosed as a kid to have ADHD, and I was extremely hyperactive), to which mom freaked out at me saying something and `said she's done and that I ruined the holiday, but I didn't do anything.. She just threw a tantrum and flipped out and dad tried to calm her down and she just left and went into her room, to which dad raged at me saying it's my fault that she got upset, and I have to take responsibility. It's extremely traumatic to do that to a child. Also, I believe this happened 3 Passovers in a row. Holidays were ALWAYS an issue like this. It was ALWAYS about mom, and if mom didn't get her way... TANTRUM! and then run to her room, ruining the holiday, but I get the blame for "upsetting her."
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I think it's bad that people have to walk on eggshells to not upset people is bad, and I empathize with that...
But I'm realizing how absolutely destructive and damaging my father is/was to me by telling me these things. Having a raging, psychopathic demonic evil mother, and a enabler father who only cared about what she said and always agreed with her, and would actively tell me, if I came to him for help "I agree with whatever mom says."
Also note, he wouldn't say "Your mother" it was always "Mom," as if it was his mother too. I've notice that for a very very long time.
Imagine having a mother who actively hurt you and didn't care for your emotional wellbeing, and a father who left everything up to her, because he trusts her and believes shes a good person, and gives her 100% reign. EXTREME NEGLECT AND ABUSE!
I remember when I told him she would wash our mouth's out with soap as a kid(my younger brother and I), for w/e reason, he was shocked. Dumb idiot father never cared. He just `hid away in his room and lived in Daddy world. As my brother put it once, "He's oblivious to the world around him 😆!!!"
The thing is, if you looked at us, you wouldn't think there was anything wrong. We were given lots of toys, we were fed decently, as in I got 3 meals a day`(I was abused with food too, and there is a lot more to this), we had new clothing(we donated clothing to a family up the block who we were friends with the younger boys who were 4 and 6 years younger than me(2 and 4 for my brother), so they got our old clothes, but my brother and I never had "hand me downs" even my brother didn't wear my old clothing. We were given haircuts by a barber, etc, etc.
We were looked at like the ideal family, mother was PTA of the small religious school we went to, people knew us, and my mom tried to be involved, etc, etc.... But I was emotionally a mess, mom didn't care that ~I had issues with kids in school, teachers couldn't handle my hyperactiveness so they drgged me with ritalin w`hich turned me into a zombie and caused many issues, and when I cried to my mother about it she screamed at me `saying "YOU'RE CAUSING ISSUES FOR YOUR TEACHERS, YOU HAVE TO STAY ON IT, DON'T CAUSE ME ISSUES," or something like that. Basically saying that I am an issue without it. Everything was about "not causing her an issue." So they she could be THE PERFECT MOM to all.
At one point she threatened me that I'm causing trouble for others and that if I cause trouble again she will send me away to military school, all because of some incident where another mother confronted my mother, because a girl blamed me for something that i still don't know about to this day and mommy's reputation or soemthing was affected, so she said she was going to toss me away like garbage to military school. Meanwhile the girl's twin-brother was always causing me trouble, and her older borhter was trying to mess with me around the time of the accusations. The principal of this religious school got involved, handled it poorly, but I was the one who had to suffer, and couldn't even get help from my parents. I didn't even know mom got into it with their mom, until dad said this nonsense. "MOM STUCK UP FOR YOU TOWARDS THAT PARENT." and at the time I thought wow maybe she did(gaslit), and then he told me the story of what happened and that`she got into a fight with the girl's mom who blamed mom that I was causing issues for her daughter.... EVERYTHING MADE SENSE WHY MOM WANTED TO THROW ME AWAY. I was causing her problems.
I didn't, and still don't, know wtf I did to her. I tried to be friends with everyone. The ONLY thing I ever thought of, is that I really liked her BFF/Best-Friend, and I think SHE LIKED ME so I think she was jealous and ended up just getting mad at me and blaming me for something.
Thank you Anna. You always reach me when I need you the most. Much love to you and everyone. ❤
I have fibromyalgia and it makes me so angry to find out it's linked to my cPTSD (I've known this for a while and it's still hard)
One good tool to help with getting regulated is the Daily Practice. You can learn it for free here: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
I really feel empathy for him and I can relate to the neglect and lopsidedness of his marriage. The only thing I question with is why he doesn't see Zen Buddhism as an established religion? Although it is not the "fundamental Christian" religion he left it is still one, and if it brings him joy and peace I am happy for him. I have as a result of my own childhood pain and trauma have stopped putting my faith in "religion" and started going direy to the heart of God and not the institutions of man. I started meditation to be filled with so much love and peace that there is no room for the pain to live in. I trust Him with my doubts and sometimes disbelief, but He can take it and walk me through it and there is even more peace and more joy at the end. I hope that this fellow can find his own sense of peace and joy on whatever path he follows.
Psychics say her spirit rose. They feel she is passed.
They want to name it on other things.
We do not control future. It's already knowing what will occur.
What happens if you don't realize that you don't have boundaries
Dont go to the wedding. Find a work excuse anything.Plan a fun thing to do in your day.
She will be unhappy either. way.
I sent this to someone I care more about MORE THAN AIR. ❤❤❤❤. thank u sweety. Luv u
You’re just amazing Anna. I’m so impressed by you! I resonate so much with all you speak of and I so wish I’d found you when I was at my low points. I often think how unacceptably lonely those times were, and how much someone like you can make a difference for women that are in those dark places right now. I can see what I might have done differently thanks to you, but also I am really proud of that woman that survived it all and is here ready to grow. I’m super proud of you too and thank you so much. Not just for your words (which are always so kind and such a contrast to the quick-hit talking heads we hear everyday) but for showing how to run an authentic and genuinely helpful business. You’re amazing! And you are so cute too fyi I love your hair and glasses!
Thank you so much for all the kind words towards Anna you've just shared! We hope you will find a lot of valuable content here that will help you stay proud of yourself and grow!
Nika@TeamFairy
This all happened to me and I'm the youngest. It was horrifying from beginning to end. I care for my parents and my brother. My older sister didn't help but offered so much criticism. Glad she's gone and out of my life.
That must have been difficult. You're in the right place and we're all here to support you :)
-Calista@TeamFairy
I was thinking about this…You know the kind of person who will ask you to help them just to mock you and make a fool of you, just to make you the butt of the joke and then maybe tell someone else, look at how I can get them to do XYZ Ha ha ha. They are so stupid for doing XY and Z that I asked them to do for me, so gullible ha ha ha. They don't even see, that's more of a reflection on them.
Oh no. I just realized what is happening 😢 I thought they were genuinely asking for my help. Of course it’s a set up. Thank you.
Good Advice Thanks
thank you as always, but for such a long video, chapter markers would be nice. peace to you.
Hi CCF team, would you please make a playlist of all videos pertaining to boundaries?
Hi! Here are Anna's videos about boundaries: www.youtube.com/@CrappyChildhoodFairy/search?query=boundaries
If you'd like to find a video on a topic that interest you, you can put the term in the channel search bar to find literally dozens of videos on the subject.
Nika@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you, Nika
I really like what you recommended at the end. ❤. I d the same with my clients. Even if they don’t have the money for a traditional therapist. The 12 step program for CODA really really helped me. ❤God bless u all
I want HUG Michael. I sent this to 2 people I LOVE MORE THAN AIR ❤
Thank you for watching and sharing!
Nika@TeamFairy
Is there anyone familiar with the Drama Triangle technique and if this sort of ‘therapy’ could be helpful?
What if it is part of the job interview process? We all have to say the best answer to get the job, right?😮
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