I rehearse conversations which haven’t happened. I replay past conversations, especially disagreements, in my mind, while searching for alternative endings. I guess I talk to myself, a lot.
Every show I take, if people could hear my mind and sub-vocal mutterings, it would sound like a court proceeding. I'm the DA, the prosecutor, the defendant and the plaintiff, not to mention the judge all in one! My favorite interactions with myself are when I get to be a special subject matter expert witness and go research things online haha.
I do the memory thing a bit, i think, but it's complicated because I also think entirely via scripting. It means when i walk past my old school a memory might flash in ny mind and whether or not it does I compulsively start to think a script about how I felt, explaining in my head an event or how it affected me. I hate it. Every thought I have all day has an imaginary listener.
Yessss I'm always explaining everything to an imaginary listener!!! It can be a friend or family member or a crush lol but I started therapy so lately it's mostly been my therapist haha
For me, the scripting is worst when I try to sleep. I can be scripting the same thing over and over and over again. Sometimes it can be even about a tweet. Or it might be about a completely hypothetical thing that I might not do. Like I've been thinking about getting an official diagnosis, but at the moment I'm choosing to not do that. But still I keep scripting the discussions for the appointment. "Dear brain, plase let me sleep. Yours truly, the brain".
It's like being the host and having a friend in from out of town. They know NOTHING about what they are seeing. And they are casually interested in EVERYTHING. So yeah, my mind is silently giving a tour of my life, to an imagined tourist who is always at my side, as if that tourist has just arrived today.
more or less we think in Analogy. This situation is like that situation. This thing is like that things, and everything is tied together in this giant web of connections.
I have been told often enough that I should let go of a lot of negative past memories. I think these things ARE traumas, and I don't know how to let go of them. It's like I haven't fully digested them emotionally so I can't get by them. They are part of my present emotional psychology. Over time, I can let go of the anger or hatred associated with past memories, just by not dwelling on them or feeding them. The memories remain; they just aren't as important. So I guess what I'm saying is that the "trauma model" fits better for me than the "thinking in memories" model.
I feel your pain. I wonder why I remember negative memories so vividly and why they pop up sometimes without warning! I took a small course in mindfulness and we looked at Rumi's Guest House. The idea, he said, was that the mind was like a guest house and many different guests will come and go but we should greet them all the same. Just sitting with negative memories or feelings and thinking about how they feel both mentally and physically can really lighten the experience. Sometimes I imagine the memories as actual people and greet them as such.
My memory works like this too. My memories aren't easily forgotten, and i relive them all the time. It also makes it easy to find lost items because I can just recall the memory image or video, and I visually look for the item. Items bring up the memories surrounding them for me too. It make it hard to get rid of clothes when i was a kid.
Yesss I very rarely lose things, just thinking of the thing automatically recalls the memory of when I last saw it or where it is! I have a really hard time getting rid of anything because of the memories associated to them. It’s gotten easier with more things having negative memories relating to them so I actively don’t want them around anymore, but I have a collection of bottle caps from good times that I just can’t bare to part with 😅
@@DanaAndersenaah yes. Getting rid of things is very difficult for me, too. It feels like throwing out memories with the things. I probably have AuDHD, so I can lose my phone three times in a day (because I don't pay attention to where I put it), but for things that I actually did pay attention to, I usually remember very specifically, like "it's in the top-left drawer in the far back right side, under the playing cards" or whatever. (I'm spamming all around the comment section, but this is a highly interesting topic to me so I cannot help myself 😅).
A lifetime of getting really passionately into explaining my thoughts and the other person looking blankly at me going "Uhh what? I don't understand and don't think that way", more or less, made me shut down emotionally and stop reaching out. After I got ADHD dxed and looked into Autism, suddenly I have like 20 people who all make videos exactly like this and I go "Wait but that's what no one understands about me!" and it's like I'm a human again. I've felt emotions I thought I lost at age 14 in my 30s now that I'm experimenting with unmasking.
Certain smells brings memories immediately. Like there is this smell that I can only describe as a CVS smell and whenever I smell it I think of the time where I smelled it in elementary school where I thought about there that I smelled it in cvs. Its like a chain of memories past down for another. Its a nostalgia smell
From what I know, smells are associative to most people. Maybe that is a good way to explain how associative memory works to e.g. neuromajority people?
There are different kinds of flashbacks. I forget the categories, but it can feel like you’re reliving it (like in the movies), or it can feel like an intrusive memory, or it can feel like the emotions from a past experience come up without any other context, there are others I think…
Due to my Autism and ADHD I remember memories from long long ago in great detail........But I'm always loosing my phone, forgeting if I closed the door when I left the house and I always have to play a game of where's my damn keys before I leave. So I'll drive around the block to check the door and then I forget to look if the doors closed! It's not uncommon for me to drive around the block 3 or 4 times before I leave the neighborhood.
Yeah, this is how I think too. In memories. I feel like you have a rare talent for communicating autistic things. I'm following your channel with renewed interest.
Autistic people experience "lightning fast chains of association" and this is one reason trauma can be so hard for us. Autistic people can see connections between distantly related ideas... .it is a "double edged sword"
Well this was revelatory. It feels like there's some overlap here with another concept that I came across recently on Sci Guys channel. An AuDHDer said they "think in feelings and feel in thoughts", or words to that affect. I have alexithymia along with aphantasia so it's all a bit murky in my noggin but something clicked deep down when I heard that. Same with this video.
Never heard this talked about before, but it makes sense of my own experience. I think I get this to a somewhat troubling degree. So it can often just be the kind of light outside, or the way the sun is shining on a wall or something. Also if I have a bad experience in a place it reminds me of it each time I have to go there again. The same thing happens with clothes and I have to get them washed ASAP or sometimes can never wear them again. If I am expecting a difficult time like an appointment or something, I make sure to never wear something I really like but just wear something really basic and generic that I have several the same of like black leggings and t shirt so they are indistinguishable afterwards and I don’t have to throw them out just wash them. This memory trigger thing does make life difficult, I never know what simple thing could set one of these things off. I do also have nice ones, but more bad ones due to trauma, like Dana says. I also think this has something to do with why we use personal associations to show empathy, and why we sometimes share stories as a way of connecting.
I’m so glad I’m not alone in this experience!! Trying to explain this idea of memories to people that don’t experience this is so frustrating! I’ve always described it as objects and memories being stained or tainted. It’s like you have a pair of clear glasses that you see life through, and every single experience you have can tint the colour of the lenses. So if I have a bad experience with a certain place, action, activity or anything really, that memory changes the colour of the lens Im seeing through. Even if I’m currently I not in that same situation.
I'm the same. I'll stop using an object, avoid using certain turn of phrases, associating with a person or going to a certain place if it becomes "tainted" enough, the emotions that arise from it are loud, overwhelming and domineering. As I've gotten older it has made my life more narrower and "egg shelly", I wish I wasn't like this, it makes living exhausting but I have no idea how to deal with the emotional output that comes from remembering. Great video BTW, first time I've ever seen anyone touch on this topic and matches up to a lot of my own experiences.
I am autistic and I definitely don't just think in memories. I also don't think in the same way as neurotypicals either. Oftentimes, I'll think in pictures and impressions, rather than language, for example. Although I sometimes do experience what you describe here. However I find it much more helpful to explain that as a combination of autistic thinking and emotional contamination.
I think it more boils down to autistic people all still being different and thus having different ways of thinking! I also don’t think only in memories, but the memory is always the trigger that I can then choose to expand my thought process from. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience on the subject though! I like getting comments like this for others who may not relate so much to what I’m saying, but may be able to feel comforted, validated etc. from relating to you 😄
Maybe practicing Mindfulness Meditation could help a little bit: noticing those memories appear and letting them be there, but besides of, well, you, basically… I experience similar thoughts and feelings but over the years I noticed that on top of certain memories there will be layers of more recent ones, which help me move on. Memories are paths in the brain, and when we continue to walk them, they will persist like a path in the woods, while if you choose not to, they get thinner and eventually disappear. 💖
Same Aphantasia here and so are my children. I have distinct memories of where I was in a situation in proximity to the others where everyone was standing sitting what was happening Vs a visual pic. Sounds smells words… mostly the words are what I remember. When I dream there are sometimes mental pics but usually they are vivid traumatic dreams so yuk! Otherwise the dreams are just fleeting Intangible blurbs from the past. It seems with autism it’s the extremes… hyperphantasia or aphantasia.
Oh just before reading these comments, I wrote here that I remember very precisely my and other people's location in my memories. Even several decades back, I remember e.g. where I was sitting in a class when some specific topic was discussed. Also when I re-listened bits of an audio book that I had been listening to on a walk (the app lost track of my spot and I had to find where I was left off listening), I automatically remembered where I had heard each section. And these are quite funny considering that I am absolutely terrible at remembering directions given to me, or in general navigating if I'm not really familiar with the route. I do not have aphantasia, however, nor hyperphantasia for all that I know.
@fintux That's very relatable, I'm the same way! It's called spatial memory, and I'm pretty sure that I relay so heavily on mine since I don't have any visual component to my memories.. But yours might just be very good, even if you don't have aphantasia :) Not remembering directions etc might have to do with other factors, such as the social interaction involved, or time pressures of having to get somewhere in a specific amount of time.
I have what you describe as the opposite of aphantasia. There are some memories I have that are crystal clear decades later, and often not from a first-person view. The thing that pisses me off about NT people saying "just let it go" is that I physically, literally cannot let it go. It's a thing that didn't affect them, so of course they don't give a shit. Of course they don't have the empathy to understand anything from someone else's perspective. And then, of course, it's always *my* fault that I have a working memory.
My solution but there is a good chance it only works with me : is that when I notice that I am associating a memory/emotion with an object place or concept, and it’s unpleasant… then I put my attention/focus very strongly on my physical heart or towards my chest at least, like an imaginary hug, (hmm sorry that this is so abstract), and for some reason this makes it possible for me to view the object or place or concept (school building like in you example or anything else) or person, in a different way… it is like whenever I put my attention strongly on my heart I can finally reprogram the feelings I attach to the shapes and materials of external objects… I have no idea why this works for me, it’s as though I am getting out of my head by physically focusing my attention strongly on my heart. And my heart is not on the autistic spectrum unlike my head which appears to have many autistic qualities. My head contains a world full of definitions and memories while my heart sees without defining anything… hmm how odd.
I think this way too. I also have a lot of intrusive memories that sort of play on a loop in my head without anything to remind me of them. I also create a lot of fake scenarios in my head and scripting like you said. I have fake conversations and debates with people in my mind.
I feel that your response is very much in line with what a trauma response is. It is less aligned with what an autistic response is, unless there is *also* trauma. It may be particularly common with autistic person with associated trauma. The idea that it could well be a trauma response, feels like one worthy of exploration. Because, you know, it's fair if it seems to *not* be that, after having explored it, but not exploring it, and rejecting it outright feels like you're potentially closing yourself to that possibility, and in doing so, possibly closing yourself to possible healing around that. Of course, I can't say that it's not something I've not done over and over again (closed myself to certain understandings, which has resulted in potentially avoiding certain ways that I can heal). Mind you... It also could well be the exact opposite, that you've really explored it, and people keep telling you that it looks like something, and they have closed themselves off to the possibility that it's something other (or at least more complex) than they are considering (quite common with mental health professionals in my experience).
I would need to think up on that more. Because I do have very strong associations between things but I'm not so sure about memories. At least not all the time.
This is mad.... I didn't realise it may be part of my autism. It's often how I engage in conversation, telling someone about a memory in relation to just about anything 😳
In my journal, I write down what I call "Recounted Memories", which are those odds and ends that I remember happened, and usually where, but not the exact date / time. It's soothing and cathartic.
So the TLDR for me is: I'm pretty sure most NT people who are assholes about this, doctors included because it's hard enough becoming a doctor if you are NT nevermind being ND or even just poor, are incapable of really putting themselves in someone else's shoes. Then they get frustrated when people speak up and say "you are incorrect," when they already feel above the person they're talking to. That being said, the best advice I ever got was from a counselor when I was getting sessions after communicating an unaliving myself moment at work: I said I don't want to ask for sympathy, and she said "why not?" Sometimes giving a bit of context for my mood helps the other person realize I'm not upset with them. For a lot of context: i have a very vivid imagination, am able to recall memories in great detail years later with little prompting yet forget where I put things less than 5 minutes ago, can recall facts and the context in which I learned them when I am having a heated Internet argument yet some days can't string more than a few sentences together while still being able to understand what people say to me. I have a really good filter when I'm reasonably certain that a person doesn't want to have any serious discussion yet will cringe years later at the memory of something insensitive I said, can remember music beat for beat from years ago but then get stuck having a song I absolutely hate on repeat, and images that I don't want to see and that often are sickening will pop into my head at the worst moments against my will yet i can also recall memories that made me very happy and viscerally feel that happiness. I also have chronic fatigue that can be fine for years then hit me for weeks at a time, out of nowhere. It's very straining on my relationships. When I went to a specialist to talk about it, he told me to "get up off my [fat] ass, even though I told him that I used to exercise a lot and had then been through nearly a decade of having my life turned upside down. Communicating all the things I go through with this fatigue and my other symptoms is hard enough, then being rejected by the only rheumatologist in the state that Medicaid covers in less than half an hour has just made things worse. It's shitty, and I definitely empathize.
Me out, "me out" and then your cat will be like "meow!"😂😂😂 Lol sorry just had to put that joke in. I really love your videos and your honesty and the way you explain things is so refreshing. I'm finding everything so relatable too.
This might not apply to all senses in every autistic person. I have immediate, unbidden memories on almost every scent and most distinctive sounds, and even on a lot of tactile experiences, but I think it's more rare on visual stimuli. Certain things, absolutely, like my dad's truck (similar to you), and most things do evoke an emotion if not a specific memory, but I don't think it's common enough to feel like I experience it with most visual stimuli the way you do. But hey, it's pretty normal for some of us to have effects that others don't, and it's good to learn about stuff other people deal with, so good video. :)
I may be autisic, all the tests online point to it being a high possibility. Videos like this only make me think it is more likely because I do associate things, smells, sounds, objects with memories and emotions as well. I see a red sport car and I think of my dad and his red sport car, and my sister who use to drive it in high school and spun out on ice and broke her arm. I look at play grounds now and think of my happy childhood memories of playing on them but also the time I was with my neices a few years ago and fell and broke my arm while playing on it with them😅. Which brings up other memories of events and such, its just how my brain works. Sadly this means that I never forget a wrong someone did to me, as the memory will now be forever linked in multiple ways in my brain. And even the hurt will remain in negative memories because that is a part of how my memory works. I can also walk through memories, kind of like I am there again. I can do this with locations only really, but too a stupidly, kinda scary vivid degree. Also like I have a photogenic memory. Its really good for work, as I can point people to the exact location of an item in the store I work at. People are always coming to me for help, customers who are regulars and coworkers too. It can be annoying at times as too many interruptions can make me lost and frusterated when trying to go back to what I was doing before. And my work place is not quiet so concentration is a struggle to hold on too as it is😅.
I also.think in memories, and ideas, in an ocd unhelpful type way a lot of the time, when I was little I did kinda think in pictures, cause.i remember asking friends if they did, and they did.not, but as some point that stopped.
I randomly thought about when I ate Popeyes chicken as a kid. But I'm not watching food content rn. I did watch food content before. And I did just eat so. But yeah I do have memories pop up.
I think in memories also, but memories don't bother me. I can recall trauma memories and feel nothing. I only "Feel" bad when something is happening in the present. OR if I am anticipating the worst in the future.
I have a good experience of my mum bathing me The water was amazing occasionally I felt it again but the water has to be in the right place to simulate that and bring those memories back it's really really that he's in that place but happens occasionally
I wonder if it's a trauma thing or ASD thing. Trauma could be 'living in the past' and ASD could be referencing past experiences to know how to deal with a situation. Both could be overlapping and considering most autistic people are traumatized in some way it barely even matters, but I still wonder.
I do wonder if it’s also specifically how autistic brains react and respond to trauma to try to protect ourselves, but as you say the over lap of how many autistic people have also experience trauma makes it hard to come to a conclusion!
Refreshed after writing my own comment, and yeah, same here lol. Just curious, do you still feel like your memory is associative though? Like, you say that you get feelings from pervious experiences, but does that only happen when you're trying to recall something, or can it happen randomly in response to outside stimuli or current experiences, like Dana described here? (e.g. does seeing the rain prompt you to remember past events/memories of rain, even if you do lack the visual component of remembering?)
Like I said I don't 'see' the memory and often I don't have an exact event where the feeling originates from. Like I could see a car that reminds me of my dad and I'll just feel sad without thinking of a specific previous event where he drove it @@micron000
What you were talking about with medical professionals trying to invalidate your experience: I think it is because the base definitions of autism that are the "official" guidelines pathologize the condition. It's a "syndrome". Heck, you can't even get a diagnosis from some doctors unless you have serious problems functioning in the neurotypical world. And it is often reduced to that. (But if my brain works differently, it works differently whether or not I can deal successfully with a world that wasn't built for me. The existence of good coping mechanisms doesn't invalidate the fact that one needs to cope harder.) No we aren't broken. We are different. And sometimes those differences result in problems indirectly or directly. The amount of times I have been given advice by neurotypical people that completely makes no sense but "it works if you wouldn't be so obstinate", I can't even count. On one hand there is some understanding that we are different, but on the other hand there often doesn't seem to be a realization that their treatment schemas that work for neurotypical people don't always work for us, and that it is not because we aren't giving them a real try.
Anyone stop talking about the hobbies and interests that give you solace, because it could potentially be ruined by the memory of telling someone, because remembering the memory could prevent you from benefiting from a flow state? Or, knowing that someone knows you do this makes you not feel the freedom of feeling alone?
There is neuro science behind direct routing to memory and it is a valid way that people do think. I think that way, but have attributed it to CPTSD - now that I am exploring my ND traits not covered by developmental trauma on it's own, I don't know. But I do get memories, snapshots and reels. If I read a sentence, I see the images involved. It's not words to me. Our nervous system can be wired to send a lot of what the CNS detects to the amygdala, which takes the prefrontal cortex offline, losing language and the ability to just stop thinking about it. The amygdala only knows how to recreate memories. It doesn't generate new things. It just wants you to know how to deal with the threat or in some cases how to get what you need. Then there are people who did not have a chance to allow the CNS to learn safety. My CNS is like a mess with gears on a bike or car, so I will have some language and impulse control and yet be jammed in memories. I don't know if this stuff for me is Autism or CPTSD. And what I really want to discover is a) who I was if preverbal trauma had not been extreme and b) how to best get around in the world with my diversities and where in this culture I experience impairment because my brain is not what anything was built for, then what can ease the pressure/pain/stress so I can function in this world not built for my brain. I had to write because I am completely done with people saying to get over it or stop thinking about things, yada. I know from living with CPTSD, that I'm not going to get over it. I just know how to live with a brain steeped in nostalgia, painful memories and threat activations. I know that a lot of Autistic people do end up with developmental trauma due to being othered and perhaps getting into trouble for the diversity. And again, what matters is how we locate our strengths and find a means to be in this world not built for us in a more comfortable way. Seeing things in pictures and reels has also been a super power for me. I'm a writer and artist and a creative thinker to have on the team. Our differences are not deficits. And the harm we experience is from systems, not our beautiful brains.
Just stumbled onto a box of actual memories. My weird lil childhood collections. I havent changed much apparently. Although i did stop collecting the creepy clown dolls at some point.... so thats good. 🤔🤦♀️🤡🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Funny story. Broke 6 bones once. Went to an ER. They were like that doesn't look broken. 🤔 I asked for the expensive xray anyway. Turns out, wasn't a waste. And I also cannot step off curbs in a correct manner sometimes. And I have this memory flash before me every time I step off a curb ever now. And they say you can't remember pain! 🤣🤣🤣
@@DanaAndersen yeahhhhh.... I know I'm coming across a box of those too at some point. Lol. But mostly.... unicorns, dragons and sparkly, sparkly wizards??? I'm still just like gimme over all of these!! 🤷♀️🤣
@@LynIsALilADHD "You can't remember pain." I've heard it said that way too. It's pretty vague -- easy to take it the wrong way. I'll use your example. It doesn't mean you can't remember the experience of when you broke 6 bones. It means that when you do think back and remember that time, you don't feel the physical pain all over again. What you might actually feel all over again is your emotions from that time.
@thethegreenmachine Sorry to butt in, but that’s totally not true for me! I can’t feel the pain again obviously, but I do remember exactly what kind of pain it was and the level at which it was painful! I broke my wrist as a kid and if I think about the actual feeling of it breaking it makes my wrist feel weird bcus I vividly remember exactly how much and in what way it hurt 😅
[EDIT: the following is my reaction based on first five minutes - ADHD brain . . .] Yes, that's so fascinating [how the autistic brain handles memories]! I read on Twitter a while ago, that NDs store memories differently than NTs. Our memories are vivid movie clips of select moments, in contrast to how NTs usually have a more terse, captains log kind of memory: not vivid, but a list of chronological occurrences, lacking the details, like sound/smell/emotions. I am writing my bio - autofiction, rather, because I want to protect the guilty - and it occurred to me that I am able to walk around in my memories, as if it was a real movie set. It is accurately portrayed in Swann's Way, the first part of Remembrance of Things Past by Marcel Proust, with his "involuntary memory". I haven't read much of it, but I remember the part where a certain smell/taste sent him right back to early child hood and his cookie baking granny, I think . . . I want to read it. At least the first book. I am quite confident that Marcel Proust was a raging neurodivergent! :)
I'm autistic and OMG yes the car thing, when I see a certain model of car I'm reminded of the same person again and again, and I've thought about how weird it is that I MUST have that thought FIRST whenever I see that car before anything else occurs in my mind, for thousands of times it never changes. and also, I have this happen in a weird way with people too-- whenever I meet a new person, I'm instantly like you *are* (this other person) from my past, just cuz somehow something reminds me of this other person! kind of like a doppelgänger but for vibe/personality. so I treat them like they ARE that other person from my past, although its not what I want to do, its hard to pull away and see this as a new person. so yeah, I agree, I also experience having the exact same associations to things, each time I see them, it rarely ever changes. so in some sense its kinda like having the same thoughts all the time?
I have this experience every time I go past my old high school. For example. Even though i am delighted, it is now a car park. I joke to myself if i had known they were going to do that. I would have brought popcorn. I "seed" my house with things that make me smile inside. So owl things and Baby Yoda, for example. My ringtone is a Star Wars theme. It would explain, why i never get bored with things. They make me smile, the same as the first time. I am going to hospital appointments that trigger, fear, and anxiety. Not for the current reason but from past things. I'm going to therapy, so they can not blame my current issues on mental health, hormones, or what other thing they dream up. This explained so much. Thank you
I Think it is because many of is has image memories, the brain is norr likely remember negative memories. Research shows that autistic are more likely to suffer from ptsd. Our brains are more rational and connects memories/inages to special moments. Even if it Can cause problems. It is not all of us though 🌺
This was a very interesting watch. For the first time I have heard someone put into words what's going on inside my head. It just comes naturally to me to relate and associate any impression with a memory or something familiar I already know. Perhaps as a form of repetitive behaviour? Quoting a song because someone said a word that is in its lyrics for example, or recalling a memory because I see something that just so happens to remind me of it. People have told me before that they think it's peculiar and somehow no one really could relate. At least not to that extend. I am not diagnosed but watching people talk about their experiences with autism really makes me feel like I can finally relate to others. It's nice. So thank you for sharing your experiences and I hope you'll make a lot of great new memories that you will happily recall in the future :)
Relating to names can be challenging for me; I need to create a mental image of the name to anchor it in my memory. Similarly, grasping mathematical concepts initially proved difficult as I had to visualize numerical values to fully comprehend them. However, recalling faces and intricate details comes naturally to me since my memory works best with visuals. This ability even allows me to locate lost items by mentally reconstructing my environment, rather than physically searching for them. Although mastering mathematics took additional time, my understanding is now deeply rooted and unforgettable. I see this unique way of processing information as a gift-it might take longer to wrap my mind around new concepts, but once I do, the knowledge is indelibly etched in my memory. I channel this distinctive trait into my creative endeavors, turning what some might see as a hurdle into a tool for artistic expression. Moreover, this pictorial memory brings with it vivid recollections of past events, both good and bad. Certain triggers, particularly smells, can catapult me back in time to those moments, instantly flooding me with emotions-stress and anxiety or warmth and hopefulness, depending on the memory evoked. It's reminiscent of scenes from the movie 'Perfume,' where a scent can transport me back to a specific time and place. This sensory sensitivity means that throughout the day, I'm often involuntarily revisiting memories, which can be overwhelming. It's led me to realize the importance of being mindful about potential addictions, as substances can become a means to manage these frequent and powerful recollections. For those of us with this kind of memory, vigilance against addiction in any form is essential, as we navigate a world filled with triggers that can so easily affect our emotional state.
I remember everything, good or bad. And people hate that I do. What is crazy to me is that I don't actively try to remember anything from the past. My brain just retains it and catalogues it automatically. I have had people physically recoil from me because I remember them from the past or something from our shared past. They end up acting like I am a psychopath so I have learned to just keep my mouth shut about things that I remember because masking is better than them telling me that I am weird for remembering something completely benign from the past.
I've also been said several times "How can you remember _everything_?!". Well I don't quite remember everything, but I rarely forget what I've learned. Except until covid hit me, it "normalized" my memory in that regard, and it felt like I lost a super power. My memory has been slowly recovering, but even after several years it's still not the same it used to be, though back to above average. I've read that C19 in general affects ND people more than neuromajority people.
Possibly they'd rather you bring up the distant past when no one else is around to overhear. Most people have little things they want the world to forget.
@@thethegreenmachine at least I can say that people have to be careful when lying to me asI remember what they have said earlier and spot contradictions.
I can't see how remembering us sharing a class together in school as something they'd like to forget. I was not bringing up any skeletons from their closet. Just benign information. @@thethegreenmachine
Such an interesting video, thanks for sharing your experience. I'm autistic and don't know without reflection how much I relate to your experience, in general I feel I don't think that much, which sounds strange in a way. I think I may have ADHD too though and don't know if this is an ADHD thing but I tend to not really pursue my thoughts or stick with them for more than a moment/impression, they sort of feel boring quite quickly or like I have a thought but then it's unclear what the next thought that would follow would be, and so I just abandon it like it's a dead end. Kind of hard to describe, it's not conscious and doesn't feel like a choice, more just that it takes SO much effort to try to think a reaction thought to the previous thought. I also sort of exist in a reactionary, stream-of-consciousness sort of way which I refer to as thinking like a dog (not in a derogatory way but just because it feels like a similar vibe to how I imagine dogs might think), where things sort of happen and then they pass and one moment can be so different from the next and it's just constantly reacting to the latest change but without the time or space to really process the things as they happen. Maybe it's dissociative, I dunno, but it feels like a sort of unconscious filter to keep out the absolute onslaught of information I would actually have to be processing if everything that happened got its own response. I am curious whether, if I do have ADHD and ever get through the waitlist for an assessment, if I took medication whether that might change how I think or make it easier to actually have a train of thought rather than just weird rogue carriages. Obviously very different to your experience, and also I have basically no ability to visualise anything, like I couldn't describe my own mum's face to you if I had to. So basically my brain feels like a sieve and won't do thinking even if I try to force it (unless I make myself write the thoughts out and treat it like some kind of intense school exercise). Maybe someone else might relate to my experience, I hope so because whenever I describe it to someone else they don't seem to understand or relate.
From a trauma perspective a lot of what you are describing are paired associations. x thing with no inherent emotional valence reminds you of y unpleasant thing. being completely reductionist all thoughts are associations of two independent ideas. autistics tend to be bottom up thinkers that create complex internally consistent structures that lead to a sort of philosophical theorizing about why they are the way they are and why the world is the way it is. It is basic CBT neurons that wire together fire together kind of stuff, but the difficult work of trauma is identifying these paired associations that lead to negative emotional experiences and replacing the associations with other things through repitition. It is very hard work as it adds a layer of thought monitoring to identify a trigger, but once identified we can exercise our agency to replace negative associations with experiences of self-control in monitoring and recognizing our thought patterns and substituting thoughts like “they really are just a pair of pants and I want to wear them today because I like them”. It may feel inauthentic at first, but really you are flexing your autonomy and revising the content of your thoughts with the purpose of bettering your daily experience. Sometimes it might just be better to throw the pants away and get a new pair though. This is all much easier said than done of course, and sometimes the solution is simply to throw out the pair of pants and get a different pair.
I wonder how much synthesia plays into this since autistic people are more likely to experience it. Many of my thoughts have memories, colors, smells etc associated with them. Synthesia is a condition characterized as having a brain that routes sensory information through unrelated senses and channels of the brain and nervous system. I always found it difficult to say that I experienced "flashbacks" caused by trauma, because I essentially live my entire life in flashbacks, both good and bad. I can see a person's backyard full of dilapidated children's toys and instantly my brain and body feels like its gone back in time 25 years and is experiencing the same feelings as when I played in my own backyard
People actually don't like my memory. My details of what they said or did or I said or did good or bad 30 years ago and what that day or moment was like at that time. I don't really believe in time so, I guess my mind thinks events happened yesterday. I do get lost so I discovered that people age when I am away for a long time and come back. I discovered the hard way that people change over the years so, I hard to learn the differences and treat them different not like it was 30 in the past. My daughter sometimes doesn't know what to do with my memory and her doing things as a little girl. She now ask me what she did or was like at different ages. I once described a moment in my life to my mom and I said, "when I was 7 years old". My mom said and was very serious, " baby you wasn't 7 years old, you were 1 year old, how did you remember that "? I said, " the smell of the pine trees pop it in my head". I do have a lot of positive feelings or flashbacks happens when smell , a person dress or whatever hit me. Song or music flash me back to a day that was good.
Do you want to maybe watch the video and pay attention to how I stress that this is how it is for me, one autistic person, and that all autistic people are different? Or maybe the part where I ask other autistic people to let me know how it is for them, since every one of us is different?
honestly, being able to tell how one thinks is impressive, it seems very useful. I've got no idea how that stuff works so I end up either hurting myself with the way I think or taking an entire topic and deeciding to avoid it because I deem the likelihood of it leading to a bad place in my head too big
Thats so interesting. For me its more like Im a bit lost in space and time, and only get memories triggered then its a specific situation. And then mostly nice nostalgia vibes and I have significant trouble pinpointing the memory in my timeline („pre and post covid“ is often a good enough indicator for me) 😅 But I also have an adhd brain, so I probably shouldn’t be surprised that my thoughts and memories are a bit chaotic.
Hiya Dana, I've recently discovered and subscribed to your channel. I left school the year they started to look for signs of autism so unsurprisingly I slipped easily through the complete lack of a net😂. When I sought diagnosis as an adult I was told that as I already received disability benefits there was no point and dismissed. There is so much I wish to say to you about your ( very well expressed ) thoughts on all the subjects covered in the videos I've watched , about half a dozen so far. Thank you for being so brutally honest and open , I relate to much of what you have said although we are very different people. My lifelong special interest is motorbikes so I guess it didn't occur to anyone as weird no matter how obsessed I became, self included. Also in no way related to my disability btw. That's the most common yawn inducing question I get. Isn't it funny that everyone is an expert about autism and can tell at a glance if you're mistaken , but no one's available to assess people . I am deeply saddened by the hate you've received, it's a big internet , go somewhere else if you don't like this content. Why be a bully ? I send hugs as a counter. Cheers 🐪
P.S., I feel like that when I pass a school to this day, I never told anyone how that affects me .Even after all these years, I'm nearing sixty I still get that familiar feeling. Bullied.
Prior to becoming aware of my difference, antique video games were once my special interest. I amassed a huge collection that would be worth several hundred thousand dollars in today's market. I sold or lost all of them supporting a drug habit about 15 years ago, and got virtually nothing for them. I have a few video games today, but it has been nearly a year since I have played one. Every time I try to play one, the memory of losing that collection comes flooding back, and I end up being depressed for days. I can't even read something about a video game without that memory coming back. Today, I just avoid them altogether. Even after all this time and years of sobriety, I am still traumatized over it. I have many songs or activities that I have connected to certain memories, and I just have to avoid them. I didn't realize that it wasn't normal to think that way.
I have difficulty recalling memories tied just to feelings like "time I was happy" i might initially go blank but if you asked me if i rememered a particular moment id remember and tell you every detail. But I have to have some reminder specific to the place or a physical object. I have trouble at times with hoarding and partly its due to seeing too many possible outcomes of potential uses or flashing back or recalling too many previous circumstances in which I remember it or and reminded of something. On another note I find it interesting you said you found it irritating that psychologists think they know more than the individuals themselves but also said you were really annoyed by self diagnosis. It sounds like maybe youre still deciding how to feel. I think self diagnosis, whether or not they are accurate is valid typically if they have thoroughly researched the dsm standards and believe them to fit. The autistic person knows themselves best you said and I totally agree with that. Also there is a 2 year waiting list and it costs $3000 and is 4 hours away for some people or just totally unavailable.
@@f2dw When I tried to get my diagnosis through medicaid the university near me who did assessments wouldn't put me on the waiting list because I was an adult. They said that they would put me on a waiting list for the waiting list (after a year of calling). Luckily I found out about the $500 assessment for women through my state's autism society. And I had $500 due to Covid Stimulus checks. I got diagnosed a year ago. Otherwise I would probably be on a list still waiting too. It can be very difficult to get diagnosed.
Excellent topic! Memory is a very inconsistent and complicated issue for me. I have very poor episodic memory but my sensory and associative memory are strong but experienced in a way where the recall is as random and chaotic as the experience had been. If the reduced synaptic pruning in autism is accurate then this would make a lot of sense. If I am taking THC I can more easily sit with the associated sensory memory and get extremely intense flashbacks to experiences that I have little to know episodic recall for. I also have difficulty with social memory recall and can’t imagine a different context for people I’ve met in a very limited or specific location. People often “feel” different in different environments. I think i take in the sensory information of the environment more than the social interaction. I can still remember roots of trees, cracks in sidewalks, and very specific things about my experiences in my life but if I close my eyes I can’t just imagine my parents, my wife’s, my daughter’s etc. faces. I have a strong sense of recognition of resemblance and association though. I can find places on Google Earth that Ive seen in films but have little specific geographical detail other than country or city. None of this ever made any sense until the autism realization.
This is fascinating. I have lots of books and other "things". That prompt very strong playback memory. I can pick a beach I have visited in the past and revisit it, in my memory. But my very short-term working memory. Is terrible. People out of context, trip me up all the time. I also can not trust my memory to recall things in a timely fashion, like exams or quiz. Rapid fire situations.
Welp... looks like I've found a new thing to talk about in therapy 😅 I've been SO CONFUSED about why everything is memory-based for me, to the point where trauma recovery is taking 5x longer than I thought it should. But I'm hit by memories every second of every day, no matter if I'm listening to an old song or seeing something entirely new. I also wish I had better memories to draw upon, but I hope we all have the best of luck making those memories :)
Having the overlap of autism and trauma definitely makes things tricky, but I think it’s also worth keeping in mind that recovery doesn’t have any amount of time that it ‘should’ take, it’s happens as it happens and so long as we are recovering and improving, though of course there’s always bumps and dips a long the way, we’re doing really well!
Oh my wow, thank you for this video. Your brain seems to work very similar to mine. That explains why my doctor told me he thought I had PTSD at one time. He officially diagnosed me with OCD, GAD, and MDD though instead.
I have a bit of a mix of associative and non-associative memory I guess. For almost all of my memories, I have a very precise location with the memory. For example, if I remember some past conversation, I usually know where exactly it took place, not only like in whose house or which room, but even where everybody was within the room. Even from 30 years ago. And one day I had to find my spot in an audio book as the app lost that info. I had earlier listened to the audio book when on a walk, and as I was skipping, I would remember where on my walk I was at a given spot in the audio book. I didn't even realize I had a memory like this before that happened. But when I'm thinking about of things, usually I get the general idea of the thing in my mind, and when I think further, I get specific memories. For some objects and places, they will instantly bring memories, while with others only if I stop to think. But for almost everything I do have some associated memories that I can retrieve in a split second. I must say it's quite difficult to objectively analyze this as if I'm thinking about if I'm thinking about memories, then I automatically think about memories...
This is interesting, and I’m not sure I can relate entirely - but I suspect part of that may be because besides being Autistic, I’m aphantasic and probably have SDAM. So memories that are triggered are more like clusters of ideas that I can’t quite put into words. And the ones that are most concrete are isolated traumatic events.
Remembering and re-experiencing are two different things, more or less like watching a movie several times. So I wonder how that works here when you repeatedly remember things.
I've read some about a concept of Gestalt as it is defined in psychology that can describe the notion of an "all encompassing" mode of thinking that characterizes the top-down way autistic people interact with language. I see this mode of thought as related to why these intrusive thoughts that are symptomatic of CPTSD are misunderstood by psychological professionals.
Also, on a personal, yet hypocritical note, because I too have obvious symptoms of (C)PTSD that have gone untreated as long as you have been alive, I hope you find a remedy for its most distressing consequences. Also, because I admire your courage to post about our experiences with autism, & also because I have plans to start a channel focused on my vision for the creation of an Epistemic Justice charity / society / social movement to improve societal norms towards truth that could use your support, I have a suggestion for a video topic for your channel: Please review some of the recently created ai-based apps that claim to provide psychological counseling, or CBT psychotherapy, or PTSD self-help. I can provide some specific Android app names upon request.
I didn't know this thing about memories was a thing. They seem pretty useful if you ask me. They answer that question, "Why do I do this thing this particular way?" or "Why do I have that opinion?" It's good to know this when you get some new information and start to wonder if maybe you should be doing it differently or changing your opinion. I've been around long enough to have lost a few of those memories, so now the answer to that question sometimes is, "I don't know, but I used to." Wanna know something weird? I'm terrible at winning arguments. You'd think that someone who scripts would be better at it. I bet competitive debaters are trained to script.
I am good at debating (in general but I was never on a team) and you can't always script because things don't always go as planned. I do think of what people might say but you also have to be ready for the unexpected because you can't always predict what people will say.
As someone who has been diagnosed as autistic by a psychiatrist after a thorough series of examinations, I object to your headline. *Autistic people do NOT all think the same way.* Too many people seeking to build online careers are using the matter of autism to market their brands to viewers, and they are spreading incorrect notions.
Don't feel bad about not responding to the comments in a timely fashion, or at all. I am quite sure that most of your viewers, myself included, are intimately familiar with being out of action points (spoons!) Also, you don't owe us much, if anything, besides what you already do!
We can relive our memories, how do you move on? Neurotypicals love forgetting the past and making the same mistakes over, and over. That makes them wrong.
I didn't know this was an autistic thing, but it is definitely a "me" thing. I have a rather good memory, and others see it as a good thing, but it isn't always.
I know there are already a lot of comments on here -- so you might not get to mine. But I wanted to say that through my research and reading peer-reviewed articles for school about ASD, typically people with ASD are not only more likely to have comorbid disorders, but they are also more likely and more easily traumatized (even by experiences that neurotypicals find they aren't bothered by at all) and have differences in processing emotions/events that cause emotions. I don't think this memory association is unique to autism because the human brain is generally wired to make associations like this, but most certainly a doctor/therapist should take autism into consideration when assessing for PTSD and recognize that trauma in that context can look different, and that not all associations are specifically trauma-related. Anyway just some jumbled thoughts because I'm also plagued by intrusive memories that happened 8+ years ago to an unexpected degree.
I (mostly) rememeber through senses. Not those kinds of senses. But like a 'sense' in my body? of something being a certain way. most of my memories in life are clustered together in different categories i guess. say theres 10 of the same or similar memory, i will rememeber one of them quite vividly but all in one with the others OR i wont have any memory but ill have a sense of the feeling i felt at the time. Maybe theres a better way to explain it.. I feel like i sound absolutely whack right now 😂
Also, docs know nothing about this stuff. We who live with these experiences read more updated information, watch each other's videos, join support groups that have people from all over the world in them. Brain development studies are not being referenced by outdated doctors, but we consume that material out of a need to see ourselves and heal from being othered. I am diagnosed with "prolonged PTSD", which is way less accurate than CPTSD (in the ICD) and I haven't had the spoons to see if the former is even in the DSM - too depressing, couldn't they have at least called it developmental trauma? I had an argument with my GP awhile ago, because prazosin was out of supply in my part of Canada and I needed a short term replacement. Prazosin is a blood pressure medication used off label to reduce symptoms of night terrors. Canada doesn't know that, I had to ask a psychiatrist to tell my doctor about it. I had found it on my own, by being in support groups, and the only reason I had access to a psych doc was because I was outpatient, but that's why my doc even listened. Anyway, I asked for this other histimine inhibitor med used off label for getting the CNS to wind down for sleep. She wouldn't prescribe it. Instead she offered me anti psychotics. I said no to the anti psychotics because if I use off label drugs to treat PTSD, I want there to be studies showing their efficacy AND less side effects. She went to some psych doc, who told her to push the anti-psychs again. I told her that I'd just suffer the terrors because I did not want to de-stabilize my other meds, which were working. My doc said, "but I looked up the drug and it is an anti histamine". I was like, "yeah, and it is used off label for PTSD same as anti psychs. But it has less side effects on would not mess with any of my other meds". Then she went: "gotta ask. What makes you think you know more than the psychiatrist"? I said, "Gotta say. I'm not inhibited by a massive education and the country I live in. I can cross reference a wider information base. These meds I ask for are used by people in countries that recognize CPTSD and support groups share research and their experiences, which guides me in how I talk to my medical provider". That shut her up and she said she would look at other meds than anti psychs. Doc went back to the psych doc and asked if she had heard of this med and the pscyh was like, "oh yeah, I prescribe that to some of my patients, it works really well". WTF? Why didn't they talk about what I had asked for? Rhetorical. I know why and it makes me so angry.
I think your memory sometimes I don't know how to do it on the level that you do especially charity shop I used to work at and after shops have been in but only if I've been in them but no more people do do it as well sometimes because that help PSD happens
As an addition to my previous comment - because UA-cam might remove comments with links - here is the wikipedia article on Involuntary Memory: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Involuntary_memory
being reminded of bad memories is not particularly an autistic trait, it is a general low serotonin trait, and autistic people tend to have low serotonin. but not all people with low serotonin are also autistic.
As I say in the video, although the descriptions can sound similar I don’t think they are, because I’ve always though this way and it’s for absolutely everything, not just things with trauma involved.
Obviously not all Autistic people think the same way. Personally, I don't think like this, although that doesn't mean that you're incorrect. I might add to this comment tomorrow, but it's getting late now, and I'm tired.
When I see rain I think of the STALKER game series which is very atmospheric and is a safe escape for me when things are SOOOOOO overwhelming. I have a lot of issues going places once a bad memory forms. People have told me all my life to not live in the past, to move on, but my brain is always thinking of memories, it's just how my brain works. Therapy has never helped change this. I have a LOT of trauma since I was a little kid, but it's not all because of trauma.
I rehearse conversations which haven’t happened. I replay past conversations, especially disagreements, in my mind, while searching for alternative endings. I guess I talk to myself, a lot.
I can relate a lot to this
Every show I take, if people could hear my mind and sub-vocal mutterings, it would sound like a court proceeding. I'm the DA, the prosecutor, the defendant and the plaintiff, not to mention the judge all in one!
My favorite interactions with myself are when I get to be a special subject matter expert witness and go research things online haha.
Sounds like anxiety
I do the memory thing a bit, i think, but it's complicated because I also think entirely via scripting. It means when i walk past my old school a memory might flash in ny mind and whether or not it does I compulsively start to think a script about how I felt, explaining in my head an event or how it affected me. I hate it. Every thought I have all day has an imaginary listener.
Yes i have this! its so exhausting. its why i love doing stuff that switches off my brain only way to get peace
Yessss I'm always explaining everything to an imaginary listener!!! It can be a friend or family member or a crush lol but I started therapy so lately it's mostly been my therapist haha
I do this all the time ! I never could quite explain it, so thanks
For me, the scripting is worst when I try to sleep. I can be scripting the same thing over and over and over again. Sometimes it can be even about a tweet. Or it might be about a completely hypothetical thing that I might not do. Like I've been thinking about getting an official diagnosis, but at the moment I'm choosing to not do that. But still I keep scripting the discussions for the appointment. "Dear brain, plase let me sleep. Yours truly, the brain".
It's like being the host and having a friend in from out of town. They know NOTHING about what they are seeing. And they are casually interested in EVERYTHING. So yeah, my mind is silently giving a tour of my life, to an imagined tourist who is always at my side, as if that tourist has just arrived today.
more or less we think in Analogy. This situation is like that situation.
This thing is like that things, and everything is tied together in this giant web of connections.
That is how it is for me for all kinds of memories both positive, neutral and negative.
I have been told often enough that I should let go of a lot of negative past memories. I think these things ARE traumas, and I don't know how to let go of them. It's like I haven't fully digested them emotionally so I can't get by them. They are part of my present emotional psychology. Over time, I can let go of the anger or hatred associated with past memories, just by not dwelling on them or feeding them. The memories remain; they just aren't as important. So I guess what I'm saying is that the "trauma model" fits better for me than the "thinking in memories" model.
I feel your pain. I wonder why I remember negative memories so vividly and why they pop up sometimes without warning! I took a small course in mindfulness and we looked at Rumi's Guest House. The idea, he said, was that the mind was like a guest house and many different guests will come and go but we should greet them all the same. Just sitting with negative memories or feelings and thinking about how they feel both mentally and physically can really lighten the experience. Sometimes I imagine the memories as actual people and greet them as such.
All I talk with family members is past 😮, cause present is the distant future I only know how to move into the tomorrow
My mom doesn’t believe I have autism and I’m going to be 41 years old this year
@@PraveenSriram
Why not?
@@AlexGardener8me to no idea until diagnosed massive part of autism
My memory works like this too. My memories aren't easily forgotten, and i relive them all the time. It also makes it easy to find lost items because I can just recall the memory image or video, and I visually look for the item. Items bring up the memories surrounding them for me too. It make it hard to get rid of clothes when i was a kid.
Yesss I very rarely lose things, just thinking of the thing automatically recalls the memory of when I last saw it or where it is!
I have a really hard time getting rid of anything because of the memories associated to them. It’s gotten easier with more things having negative memories relating to them so I actively don’t want them around anymore, but I have a collection of bottle caps from good times that I just can’t bare to part with 😅
@@DanaAndersen
Put a little magnet inside each bottle cap and stick them on the fridge :)
@@DanaAndersenaah yes. Getting rid of things is very difficult for me, too. It feels like throwing out memories with the things. I probably have AuDHD, so I can lose my phone three times in a day (because I don't pay attention to where I put it), but for things that I actually did pay attention to, I usually remember very specifically, like "it's in the top-left drawer in the far back right side, under the playing cards" or whatever. (I'm spamming all around the comment section, but this is a highly interesting topic to me so I cannot help myself 😅).
A lifetime of getting really passionately into explaining my thoughts and the other person looking blankly at me going "Uhh what? I don't understand and don't think that way", more or less, made me shut down emotionally and stop reaching out. After I got ADHD dxed and looked into Autism, suddenly I have like 20 people who all make videos exactly like this and I go "Wait but that's what no one understands about me!" and it's like I'm a human again. I've felt emotions I thought I lost at age 14 in my 30s now that I'm experimenting with unmasking.
oh god i thought this was just like an intrusive thought thing. Big connection to echolalia here.
Certain smells brings memories immediately.
Like there is this smell that I can only describe as a CVS smell and whenever I smell it I think of the time where I smelled it in elementary school where I thought about there that I smelled it in cvs.
Its like a chain of memories past down for another.
Its a nostalgia smell
Smell is especially associated alongside memories in general, apparently.
I definitely remember getting smells from the mid 90s which bring back a ton of nostalgia and memories
From what I know, smells are associative to most people. Maybe that is a good way to explain how associative memory works to e.g. neuromajority people?
What is cvs
@@hedwigwendell-crumb91 drug store
There are different kinds of flashbacks. I forget the categories, but it can feel like you’re reliving it (like in the movies), or it can feel like an intrusive memory, or it can feel like the emotions from a past experience come up without any other context, there are others I think…
The last of those, I believe Pete Walker calls an "emotional flashback".
@@vivianriver6450 that’s right! Thank you
Due to my Autism and ADHD I remember memories from long long ago in great detail........But I'm always loosing my phone, forgeting if I closed the door when I left the house and I always have to play a game of where's my damn keys before I leave. So I'll drive around the block to check the door and then I forget to look if the doors closed! It's not uncommon for me to drive around the block 3 or 4 times before I leave the neighborhood.
Yeah, this is how I think too. In memories.
I feel like you have a rare talent for communicating autistic things. I'm following your channel with renewed interest.
Autistic people experience "lightning fast chains of association" and this is one reason trauma can be so hard for us. Autistic people can see connections between distantly related ideas... .it is a "double edged sword"
I imagined my thinking if I was to describe it as intertwined quipu, and knots are memories
Well this was revelatory. It feels like there's some overlap here with another concept that I came across recently on Sci Guys channel. An AuDHDer said they "think in feelings and feel in thoughts", or words to that affect. I have alexithymia along with aphantasia so it's all a bit murky in my noggin but something clicked deep down when I heard that. Same with this video.
Never heard this talked about before, but it makes sense of my own experience. I think I get this to a somewhat troubling degree. So it can often just be the kind of light outside, or the way the sun is shining on a wall or something. Also if I have a bad experience in a place it reminds me of it each time I have to go there again. The same thing happens with clothes and I have to get them washed ASAP or sometimes can never wear them again. If I am expecting a difficult time like an appointment or something, I make sure to never wear something I really like but just wear something really basic and generic that I have several the same of like black leggings and t shirt so they are indistinguishable afterwards and I don’t have to throw them out just wash them.
This memory trigger thing does make life difficult, I never know what simple thing could set one of these things off. I do also have nice ones, but more bad ones due to trauma, like Dana says.
I also think this has something to do with why we use personal associations to show empathy, and why we sometimes share stories as a way of connecting.
Thank you for posting this! This explains why my son is still sad and reminded of our dog that passed away over a year ago.
What a lovely insight about replacing the memories, that's really inspiring as someone with a similar situation.
I’m so glad I’m not alone in this experience!! Trying to explain this idea of memories to people that don’t experience this is so frustrating!
I’ve always described it as objects and memories being stained or tainted. It’s like you have a pair of clear glasses that you see life through, and every single experience you have can tint the colour of the lenses. So if I have a bad experience with a certain place, action, activity or anything really, that memory changes the colour of the lens Im seeing through. Even if I’m currently I not in that same situation.
I'm the same. I'll stop using an object, avoid using certain turn of phrases, associating with a person or going to a certain place if it becomes "tainted" enough, the emotions that arise from it are loud, overwhelming and domineering. As I've gotten older it has made my life more narrower and "egg shelly", I wish I wasn't like this, it makes living exhausting but I have no idea how to deal with the emotional output that comes from remembering. Great video BTW, first time I've ever seen anyone touch on this topic and matches up to a lot of my own experiences.
I am autistic and I definitely don't just think in memories. I also don't think in the same way as neurotypicals either. Oftentimes, I'll think in pictures and impressions, rather than language, for example. Although I sometimes do experience what you describe here. However I find it much more helpful to explain that as a combination of autistic thinking and emotional contamination.
I think it more boils down to autistic people all still being different and thus having different ways of thinking! I also don’t think only in memories, but the memory is always the trigger that I can then choose to expand my thought process from.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience on the subject though! I like getting comments like this for others who may not relate so much to what I’m saying, but may be able to feel comforted, validated etc. from relating to you 😄
WELL SAID TY!😮 I have maps/memories of places and changes are hard for me, never updates. Situations are similar for me, static moments not updating.
Plenty of food for memory in this one.
Maybe practicing Mindfulness Meditation could help a little bit: noticing those memories appear and letting them be there, but besides of, well, you, basically… I experience similar thoughts and feelings but over the years I noticed that on top of certain memories there will be layers of more recent ones, which help me move on. Memories are paths in the brain, and when we continue to walk them, they will persist like a path in the woods, while if you choose not to, they get thinner and eventually disappear. 💖
This video was an immediate click for me bc i recognized at a glance that I do this too
same stuff .......... for me , its about ( I think) me trying to relive bits of my happier times .
This was very interesting, thank you for sharing your experience
Same Aphantasia here and so are my children. I have distinct memories of where I was in a situation in proximity to the others where everyone was standing sitting what was happening Vs a visual pic. Sounds smells words… mostly the words are what I remember. When I dream there are sometimes mental pics but usually they are vivid traumatic dreams so yuk! Otherwise the dreams are just fleeting Intangible blurbs from the past.
It seems with autism it’s the extremes… hyperphantasia or aphantasia.
Oh just before reading these comments, I wrote here that I remember very precisely my and other people's location in my memories. Even several decades back, I remember e.g. where I was sitting in a class when some specific topic was discussed. Also when I re-listened bits of an audio book that I had been listening to on a walk (the app lost track of my spot and I had to find where I was left off listening), I automatically remembered where I had heard each section. And these are quite funny considering that I am absolutely terrible at remembering directions given to me, or in general navigating if I'm not really familiar with the route. I do not have aphantasia, however, nor hyperphantasia for all that I know.
@fintux That's very relatable, I'm the same way! It's called spatial memory, and I'm pretty sure that I relay so heavily on mine since I don't have any visual component to my memories.. But yours might just be very good, even if you don't have aphantasia :)
Not remembering directions etc might have to do with other factors, such as the social interaction involved, or time pressures of having to get somewhere in a specific amount of time.
I have what you describe as the opposite of aphantasia. There are some memories I have that are crystal clear decades later, and often not from a first-person view.
The thing that pisses me off about NT people saying "just let it go" is that I physically, literally cannot let it go. It's a thing that didn't affect them, so of course they don't give a shit. Of course they don't have the empathy to understand anything from someone else's perspective. And then, of course, it's always *my* fault that I have a working memory.
My solution but there is a good chance it only works with me : is that when I notice that I am associating a memory/emotion with an object place or concept, and it’s unpleasant… then I put my attention/focus very strongly on my physical heart or towards my chest at least, like an imaginary hug, (hmm sorry that this is so abstract), and for some reason this makes it possible for me to view the object or place or concept (school building like in you example or anything else) or person, in a different way… it is like whenever I put my attention strongly on my heart I can finally reprogram the feelings I attach to the shapes and materials of external objects… I have no idea why this works for me, it’s as though I am getting out of my head by physically focusing my attention strongly on my heart. And my heart is not on the autistic spectrum unlike my head which appears to have many autistic qualities. My head contains a world full of definitions and memories while my heart sees without defining anything… hmm how odd.
I think this way too. I also have a lot of intrusive memories that sort of play on a loop in my head without anything to remind me of them. I also create a lot of fake scenarios in my head and scripting like you said. I have fake conversations and debates with people in my mind.
I feel that your response is very much in line with what a trauma response is. It is less aligned with what an autistic response is, unless there is *also* trauma. It may be particularly common with autistic person with associated trauma. The idea that it could well be a trauma response, feels like one worthy of exploration. Because, you know, it's fair if it seems to *not* be that, after having explored it, but not exploring it, and rejecting it outright feels like you're potentially closing yourself to that possibility, and in doing so, possibly closing yourself to possible healing around that. Of course, I can't say that it's not something I've not done over and over again (closed myself to certain understandings, which has resulted in potentially avoiding certain ways that I can heal). Mind you... It also could well be the exact opposite, that you've really explored it, and people keep telling you that it looks like something, and they have closed themselves off to the possibility that it's something other (or at least more complex) than they are considering (quite common with mental health professionals in my experience).
I would need to think up on that more. Because I do have very strong associations between things but I'm not so sure about memories. At least not all the time.
I remember my Nintendo NES and Super Nintendo System from the 1990s which really take me back
Honestly, this explains my experience so well. Thanks for this video, Dana.
This is mad.... I didn't realise it may be part of my autism. It's often how I engage in conversation, telling someone about a memory in relation to just about anything 😳
Same!
Me too!
In my journal, I write down what I call "Recounted Memories", which are those odds and ends that I remember happened, and usually where, but not the exact date / time. It's soothing and cathartic.
So the TLDR for me is: I'm pretty sure most NT people who are assholes about this, doctors included because it's hard enough becoming a doctor if you are NT nevermind being ND or even just poor, are incapable of really putting themselves in someone else's shoes. Then they get frustrated when people speak up and say "you are incorrect," when they already feel above the person they're talking to. That being said, the best advice I ever got was from a counselor when I was getting sessions after communicating an unaliving myself moment at work: I said I don't want to ask for sympathy, and she said "why not?" Sometimes giving a bit of context for my mood helps the other person realize I'm not upset with them.
For a lot of context: i have a very vivid imagination, am able to recall memories in great detail years later with little prompting yet forget where I put things less than 5 minutes ago, can recall facts and the context in which I learned them when I am having a heated Internet argument yet some days can't string more than a few sentences together while still being able to understand what people say to me.
I have a really good filter when I'm reasonably certain that a person doesn't want to have any serious discussion yet will cringe years later at the memory of something insensitive I said, can remember music beat for beat from years ago but then get stuck having a song I absolutely hate on repeat, and images that I don't want to see and that often are sickening will pop into my head at the worst moments against my will yet i can also recall memories that made me very happy and viscerally feel that happiness.
I also have chronic fatigue that can be fine for years then hit me for weeks at a time, out of nowhere. It's very straining on my relationships. When I went to a specialist to talk about it, he told me to "get up off my [fat] ass, even though I told him that I used to exercise a lot and had then been through nearly a decade of having my life turned upside down. Communicating all the things I go through with this fatigue and my other symptoms is hard enough, then being rejected by the only rheumatologist in the state that Medicaid covers in less than half an hour has just made things worse. It's shitty, and I definitely empathize.
Me out, "me out" and then your cat will be like "meow!"😂😂😂 Lol sorry just had to put that joke in. I really love your videos and your honesty and the way you explain things is so refreshing. I'm finding everything so relatable too.
This might not apply to all senses in every autistic person. I have immediate, unbidden memories on almost every scent and most distinctive sounds, and even on a lot of tactile experiences, but I think it's more rare on visual stimuli. Certain things, absolutely, like my dad's truck (similar to you), and most things do evoke an emotion if not a specific memory, but I don't think it's common enough to feel like I experience it with most visual stimuli the way you do. But hey, it's pretty normal for some of us to have effects that others don't, and it's good to learn about stuff other people deal with, so good video. :)
I may be autisic, all the tests online point to it being a high possibility. Videos like this only make me think it is more likely because I do associate things, smells, sounds, objects with memories and emotions as well. I see a red sport car and I think of my dad and his red sport car, and my sister who use to drive it in high school and spun out on ice and broke her arm. I look at play grounds now and think of my happy childhood memories of playing on them but also the time I was with my neices a few years ago and fell and broke my arm while playing on it with them😅. Which brings up other memories of events and such, its just how my brain works. Sadly this means that I never forget a wrong someone did to me, as the memory will now be forever linked in multiple ways in my brain. And even the hurt will remain in negative memories because that is a part of how my memory works.
I can also walk through memories, kind of like I am there again. I can do this with locations only really, but too a stupidly, kinda scary vivid degree. Also like I have a photogenic memory. Its really good for work, as I can point people to the exact location of an item in the store I work at. People are always coming to me for help, customers who are regulars and coworkers too. It can be annoying at times as too many interruptions can make me lost and frusterated when trying to go back to what I was doing before. And my work place is not quiet so concentration is a struggle to hold on too as it is😅.
Noise cancelling earplugs bugs
I also.think in memories, and ideas, in an ocd unhelpful type way a lot of the time, when I was little I did kinda think in pictures, cause.i remember asking friends if they did, and they did.not, but as some point that stopped.
I randomly thought about when I ate Popeyes chicken as a kid. But I'm not watching food content rn. I did watch food content before. And I did just eat so. But yeah I do have memories pop up.
Interesting video, Dana!
I think in memories also, but memories don't bother me. I can recall trauma memories and feel nothing. I only "Feel" bad when something is happening in the present. OR if I am anticipating the worst in the future.
I have a good experience of my mum bathing me The water was amazing occasionally I felt it again but the water has to be in the right place to simulate that and bring those memories back it's really really that he's in that place but happens occasionally
I wonder if it's a trauma thing or ASD thing.
Trauma could be 'living in the past' and ASD could be referencing past experiences to know how to deal with a situation.
Both could be overlapping and considering most autistic people are traumatized in some way it barely even matters, but I still wonder.
I do wonder if it’s also specifically how autistic brains react and respond to trauma to try to protect ourselves, but as you say the over lap of how many autistic people have also experience trauma makes it hard to come to a conclusion!
I have aphantasia so I don't even do that. That is I don't 'see' a memory, I just get the feelings from previous experiences come up
Refreshed after writing my own comment, and yeah, same here lol.
Just curious, do you still feel like your memory is associative though? Like, you say that you get feelings from pervious experiences, but does that only happen when you're trying to recall something, or can it happen randomly in response to outside stimuli or current experiences, like Dana described here? (e.g. does seeing the rain prompt you to remember past events/memories of rain, even if you do lack the visual component of remembering?)
Like I said I don't 'see' the memory and often I don't have an exact event where the feeling originates from. Like I could see a car that reminds me of my dad and I'll just feel sad without thinking of a specific previous event where he drove it @@micron000
What you were talking about with medical professionals trying to invalidate your experience: I think it is because the base definitions of autism that are the "official" guidelines pathologize the condition. It's a "syndrome". Heck, you can't even get a diagnosis from some doctors unless you have serious problems functioning in the neurotypical world. And it is often reduced to that. (But if my brain works differently, it works differently whether or not I can deal successfully with a world that wasn't built for me. The existence of good coping mechanisms doesn't invalidate the fact that one needs to cope harder.)
No we aren't broken. We are different. And sometimes those differences result in problems indirectly or directly. The amount of times I have been given advice by neurotypical people that completely makes no sense but "it works if you wouldn't be so obstinate", I can't even count. On one hand there is some understanding that we are different, but on the other hand there often doesn't seem to be a realization that their treatment schemas that work for neurotypical people don't always work for us, and that it is not because we aren't giving them a real try.
Anyone stop talking about the hobbies and interests that give you solace, because it could potentially be ruined by the memory of telling someone, because remembering the memory could prevent you from benefiting from a flow state? Or, knowing that someone knows you do this makes you not feel the freedom of feeling alone?
That was a Great video!😁
There is neuro science behind direct routing to memory and it is a valid way that people do think. I think that way, but have attributed it to CPTSD - now that I am exploring my ND traits not covered by developmental trauma on it's own, I don't know. But I do get memories, snapshots and reels. If I read a sentence, I see the images involved. It's not words to me.
Our nervous system can be wired to send a lot of what the CNS detects to the amygdala, which takes the prefrontal cortex offline, losing language and the ability to just stop thinking about it. The amygdala only knows how to recreate memories. It doesn't generate new things. It just wants you to know how to deal with the threat or in some cases how to get what you need.
Then there are people who did not have a chance to allow the CNS to learn safety. My CNS is like a mess with gears on a bike or car, so I will have some language and impulse control and yet be jammed in memories.
I don't know if this stuff for me is Autism or CPTSD. And what I really want to discover is a) who I was if preverbal trauma had not been extreme and b) how to best get around in the world with my diversities and where in this culture I experience impairment because my brain is not what anything was built for, then what can ease the pressure/pain/stress so I can function in this world not built for my brain.
I had to write because I am completely done with people saying to get over it or stop thinking about things, yada. I know from living with CPTSD, that I'm not going to get over it. I just know how to live with a brain steeped in nostalgia, painful memories and threat activations.
I know that a lot of Autistic people do end up with developmental trauma due to being othered and perhaps getting into trouble for the diversity. And again, what matters is how we locate our strengths and find a means to be in this world not built for us in a more comfortable way.
Seeing things in pictures and reels has also been a super power for me. I'm a writer and artist and a creative thinker to have on the team. Our differences are not deficits. And the harm we experience is from systems, not our beautiful brains.
Hmmm… I have the opposite problem. I have trouble remembering things that happened two days ago.
Me to ! It’s so so frustrating
Me to but long term is mint think it all goes in long term
Just stumbled onto a box of actual memories. My weird lil childhood collections. I havent changed much apparently. Although i did stop collecting the creepy clown dolls at some point.... so thats good. 🤔🤦♀️🤡🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Funny story. Broke 6 bones once. Went to an ER. They were like that doesn't look broken. 🤔 I asked for the expensive xray anyway. Turns out, wasn't a waste. And I also cannot step off curbs in a correct manner sometimes. And I have this memory flash before me every time I step off a curb ever now. And they say you can't remember pain! 🤣🤣🤣
Ahaha I have the same thing where most of my interests are still the same as in childhood, but thank god I got out of the ‘I love China dolls’ thing 😂
@@DanaAndersen yeahhhhh.... I know I'm coming across a box of those too at some point. Lol. But mostly.... unicorns, dragons and sparkly, sparkly wizards??? I'm still just like gimme over all of these!! 🤷♀️🤣
@@LynIsALilADHD
"You can't remember pain." I've heard it said that way too. It's pretty vague -- easy to take it the wrong way. I'll use your example. It doesn't mean you can't remember the experience of when you broke 6 bones. It means that when you do think back and remember that time, you don't feel the physical pain all over again. What you might actually feel all over again is your emotions from that time.
@thethegreenmachine Sorry to butt in, but that’s totally not true for me! I can’t feel the pain again obviously, but I do remember exactly what kind of pain it was and the level at which it was painful!
I broke my wrist as a kid and if I think about the actual feeling of it breaking it makes my wrist feel weird bcus I vividly remember exactly how much and in what way it hurt 😅
[EDIT: the following is my reaction based on first five minutes - ADHD brain . . .]
Yes, that's so fascinating [how the autistic brain handles memories]!
I read on Twitter a while ago, that NDs store memories differently than NTs. Our memories are vivid movie clips of select moments, in contrast to how NTs usually have a more terse, captains log kind of memory: not vivid, but a list of chronological occurrences, lacking the details, like sound/smell/emotions.
I am writing my bio - autofiction, rather, because I want to protect the guilty - and it occurred to me that I am able to walk around in my memories, as if it was a real movie set.
It is accurately portrayed in Swann's Way, the first part of Remembrance of Things Past by Marcel Proust, with his "involuntary memory".
I haven't read much of it, but I remember the part where a certain smell/taste sent him right back to early child hood and his cookie baking granny, I think . . .
I want to read it. At least the first book.
I am quite confident that Marcel Proust was a raging neurodivergent! :)
I'm autistic and OMG yes the car thing, when I see a certain model of car I'm reminded of the same person again and again, and I've thought about how weird it is that I MUST have that thought FIRST whenever I see that car before anything else occurs in my mind, for thousands of times it never changes.
and also, I have this happen in a weird way with people too-- whenever I meet a new person, I'm instantly like you *are* (this other person) from my past, just cuz somehow something reminds me of this other person! kind of like a doppelgänger but for vibe/personality. so I treat them like they ARE that other person from my past, although its not what I want to do, its hard to pull away and see this as a new person.
so yeah, I agree, I also experience having the exact same associations to things, each time I see them, it rarely ever changes. so in some sense its kinda like having the same thoughts all the time?
I have this experience every time I go past my old high school.
For example.
Even though i am delighted, it is now a car park.
I joke to myself if i had known they were going to do that.
I would have brought popcorn.
I "seed" my house with things that make me smile inside.
So owl things and Baby Yoda, for example.
My ringtone is a Star Wars theme.
It would explain, why i never get bored with things. They make me smile, the same as the first time.
I am going to hospital appointments that trigger, fear, and anxiety. Not for the current reason but from past things.
I'm going to therapy, so they can not blame my current issues on mental health, hormones, or what other thing they dream up.
This explained so much.
Thank you
You explain so well and it really resonates with me. I don't get over things or just move on as people have said I should.
Thank you 😊
In a similar way, I'm either over it or I'm still having recurring events of reprocessing. There is almost no in between.
I Think it is because many of is has image memories, the brain is norr likely remember negative memories. Research shows that autistic are more likely to suffer from ptsd. Our brains are more rational and connects memories/inages to special moments. Even if it Can cause problems. It is not all of us though 🌺
This was a very interesting watch. For the first time I have heard someone put into words what's going on inside my head.
It just comes naturally to me to relate and associate any impression with a memory or something familiar I already know. Perhaps as a form of repetitive behaviour?
Quoting a song because someone said a word that is in its lyrics for example, or recalling a memory because I see something that just so happens to remind me of it.
People have told me before that they think it's peculiar and somehow no one really could relate. At least not to that extend.
I am not diagnosed but watching people talk about their experiences with autism really makes me feel like I can finally relate to others. It's nice.
So thank you for sharing your experiences and I hope you'll make a lot of great new memories that you will happily recall in the future :)
Relating to names can be challenging for me; I need to create a mental image of the name to anchor it in my memory. Similarly, grasping mathematical concepts initially proved difficult as I had to visualize numerical values to fully comprehend them. However, recalling faces and intricate details comes naturally to me since my memory works best with visuals. This ability even allows me to locate lost items by mentally reconstructing my environment, rather than physically searching for them. Although mastering mathematics took additional time, my understanding is now deeply rooted and unforgettable. I see this unique way of processing information as a gift-it might take longer to wrap my mind around new concepts, but once I do, the knowledge is indelibly etched in my memory. I channel this distinctive trait into my creative endeavors, turning what some might see as a hurdle into a tool for artistic expression.
Moreover, this pictorial memory brings with it vivid recollections of past events, both good and bad. Certain triggers, particularly smells, can catapult me back in time to those moments, instantly flooding me with emotions-stress and anxiety or warmth and hopefulness, depending on the memory evoked. It's reminiscent of scenes from the movie 'Perfume,' where a scent can transport me back to a specific time and place. This sensory sensitivity means that throughout the day, I'm often involuntarily revisiting memories, which can be overwhelming. It's led me to realize the importance of being mindful about potential addictions, as substances can become a means to manage these frequent and powerful recollections. For those of us with this kind of memory, vigilance against addiction in any form is essential, as we navigate a world filled with triggers that can so easily affect our emotional state.
I remember everything, good or bad. And people hate that I do. What is crazy to me is that I don't actively try to remember anything from the past. My brain just retains it and catalogues it automatically. I have had people physically recoil from me because I remember them from the past or something from our shared past. They end up acting like I am a psychopath so I have learned to just keep my mouth shut about things that I remember because masking is better than them telling me that I am weird for remembering something completely benign from the past.
I've also been said several times "How can you remember _everything_?!". Well I don't quite remember everything, but I rarely forget what I've learned. Except until covid hit me, it "normalized" my memory in that regard, and it felt like I lost a super power. My memory has been slowly recovering, but even after several years it's still not the same it used to be, though back to above average. I've read that C19 in general affects ND people more than neuromajority people.
Possibly they'd rather you bring up the distant past when no one else is around to overhear. Most people have little things they want the world to forget.
@@thethegreenmachine at least I can say that people have to be careful when lying to me asI remember what they have said earlier and spot contradictions.
I can't see how remembering us sharing a class together in school as something they'd like to forget. I was not bringing up any skeletons from their closet. Just benign information. @@thethegreenmachine
@@aaacomp1
I'm not in their head, so I can't see it either. There's a chance you'll get a straight answer if you ask them why that bothers them.
Such an interesting video, thanks for sharing your experience. I'm autistic and don't know without reflection how much I relate to your experience, in general I feel I don't think that much, which sounds strange in a way. I think I may have ADHD too though and don't know if this is an ADHD thing but I tend to not really pursue my thoughts or stick with them for more than a moment/impression, they sort of feel boring quite quickly or like I have a thought but then it's unclear what the next thought that would follow would be, and so I just abandon it like it's a dead end. Kind of hard to describe, it's not conscious and doesn't feel like a choice, more just that it takes SO much effort to try to think a reaction thought to the previous thought.
I also sort of exist in a reactionary, stream-of-consciousness sort of way which I refer to as thinking like a dog (not in a derogatory way but just because it feels like a similar vibe to how I imagine dogs might think), where things sort of happen and then they pass and one moment can be so different from the next and it's just constantly reacting to the latest change but without the time or space to really process the things as they happen. Maybe it's dissociative, I dunno, but it feels like a sort of unconscious filter to keep out the absolute onslaught of information I would actually have to be processing if everything that happened got its own response.
I am curious whether, if I do have ADHD and ever get through the waitlist for an assessment, if I took medication whether that might change how I think or make it easier to actually have a train of thought rather than just weird rogue carriages.
Obviously very different to your experience, and also I have basically no ability to visualise anything, like I couldn't describe my own mum's face to you if I had to. So basically my brain feels like a sieve and won't do thinking even if I try to force it (unless I make myself write the thoughts out and treat it like some kind of intense school exercise). Maybe someone else might relate to my experience, I hope so because whenever I describe it to someone else they don't seem to understand or relate.
From a trauma perspective a lot of what you are describing are paired associations. x thing with no inherent emotional valence reminds you of y unpleasant thing. being completely reductionist all thoughts are associations of two independent ideas. autistics tend to be bottom up thinkers that create complex internally consistent structures that lead to a sort of philosophical theorizing about why they are the way they are and why the world is the way it is.
It is basic CBT neurons that wire together fire together kind of stuff, but the difficult work of trauma is identifying these paired associations that lead to negative emotional experiences and replacing the associations with other things through repitition. It is very hard work as it adds a layer of thought monitoring to identify a trigger, but once identified we can exercise our agency to replace negative associations with experiences of self-control in monitoring and recognizing our thought patterns and substituting thoughts like “they really are just a pair of pants and I want to wear them today because I like them”. It may feel inauthentic at first, but really you are flexing your autonomy and revising the content of your thoughts with the purpose of bettering your daily experience. Sometimes it might just be better to throw the pants away and get a new pair though. This is all much easier said than done of course, and sometimes the solution is simply to throw out the pair of pants and get a different pair.
I wonder how much synthesia plays into this since autistic people are more likely to experience it. Many of my thoughts have memories, colors, smells etc associated with them. Synthesia is a condition characterized as having a brain that routes sensory information through unrelated senses and channels of the brain and nervous system.
I always found it difficult to say that I experienced "flashbacks" caused by trauma, because I essentially live my entire life in flashbacks, both good and bad. I can see a person's backyard full of dilapidated children's toys and instantly my brain and body feels like its gone back in time 25 years and is experiencing the same feelings as when I played in my own backyard
I have asd and I agree on your thoughts here
People actually don't like my memory. My details of what they said or did or I said or did good or bad 30 years ago and what that day or moment was like at that time. I don't really believe in time so, I guess my mind thinks events happened yesterday. I do get lost so I discovered that people age when I am away for a long time and come back. I discovered the hard way that people change over the years so, I hard to learn the differences and treat them different not like it was 30 in the past.
My daughter sometimes doesn't know what to do with my memory and her doing things as a little girl. She now ask me what she did or was like at different ages.
I once described a moment in my life to my mom and I said, "when I was 7 years old". My mom said and was very serious, " baby you wasn't 7 years old, you were 1 year old, how did you remember that "? I said, " the smell of the pine trees pop it in my head". I do have a lot of positive feelings or flashbacks happens when smell , a person dress or whatever hit me. Song or music flash me back to a day that was good.
Seeing that you know, is this how my constant contorted, severely autistic relative who struggles to even utter a sound thinks? 🙄
Do you want to maybe watch the video and pay attention to how I stress that this is how it is for me, one autistic person, and that all autistic people are different? Or maybe the part where I ask other autistic people to let me know how it is for them, since every one of us is different?
honestly, being able to tell how one thinks is impressive, it seems very useful. I've got no idea how that stuff works so I end up either hurting myself with the way I think or taking an entire topic and deeciding to avoid it because I deem the likelihood of it leading to a bad place in my head too big
Thats so interesting. For me its more like Im a bit lost in space and time, and only get memories triggered then its a specific situation. And then mostly nice nostalgia vibes and I have significant trouble pinpointing the memory in my timeline („pre and post covid“ is often a good enough indicator for me) 😅
But I also have an adhd brain, so I probably shouldn’t be surprised that my thoughts and memories are a bit chaotic.
Hiya Dana, I've recently discovered and subscribed to your channel. I left school the year they started to look for signs of autism so unsurprisingly I slipped easily through the complete lack of a net😂. When I sought diagnosis as an adult I was told that as I already received disability benefits there was no point and dismissed.
There is so much I wish to say to you about your ( very well expressed ) thoughts on all the subjects covered in the videos I've watched , about half a dozen so far.
Thank you for being so brutally honest and open , I relate to much of what you have said although we are very different people.
My lifelong special interest is motorbikes so I guess it didn't occur to anyone as weird no matter how obsessed I became, self included. Also in no way related to my disability btw. That's the most common yawn inducing question I get.
Isn't it funny that everyone is an expert about autism and can tell at a glance if you're mistaken , but no one's available to assess people .
I am deeply saddened by the hate you've received, it's a big internet , go somewhere else if you don't like this content. Why be a bully ? I send hugs as a counter.
Cheers 🐪
P.S., I feel like that when I pass a school to this day, I never told anyone how that affects me .Even after all these years, I'm nearing sixty I still get that familiar feeling. Bullied.
Prior to becoming aware of my difference, antique video games were once my special interest. I amassed a huge collection that would be worth several hundred thousand dollars in today's market. I sold or lost all of them supporting a drug habit about 15 years ago, and got virtually nothing for them. I have a few video games today, but it has been nearly a year since I have played one. Every time I try to play one, the memory of losing that collection comes flooding back, and I end up being depressed for days. I can't even read something about a video game without that memory coming back. Today, I just avoid them altogether. Even after all this time and years of sobriety, I am still traumatized over it. I have many songs or activities that I have connected to certain memories, and I just have to avoid them. I didn't realize that it wasn't normal to think that way.
They are all just memories because that's how we learn in our experience so our experiences are all we know. I also have CPTSD on top of AuDHD.
I have difficulty recalling memories tied just to feelings like "time I was happy" i might initially go blank but if you asked me if i rememered a particular moment id remember and tell you every detail. But I have to have some reminder specific to the place or a physical object. I have trouble at times with hoarding and partly its due to seeing too many possible outcomes of potential uses or flashing back or recalling too many previous circumstances in which I remember it or and reminded of something.
On another note I find it interesting you said you found it irritating that psychologists think they know more than the individuals themselves but also said you were really annoyed by self diagnosis. It sounds like maybe youre still deciding how to feel. I think self diagnosis, whether or not they are accurate is valid typically if they have thoroughly researched the dsm standards and believe them to fit. The autistic person knows themselves best you said and I totally agree with that. Also there is a 2 year waiting list and it costs $3000 and is 4 hours away for some people or just totally unavailable.
You might be able to get diagnosed for less than $3000 in the USA. I got diagnosed for $500. If you change your mind about diagnosis.
@Catlily5 I am going to get my assessment at no charge though Medicaid however I have to travel 5 hours and they can't see me until the year 2026.
@@f2dw When I tried to get my diagnosis through medicaid the university near me who did assessments wouldn't put me on the waiting list because I was an adult. They said that they would put me on a waiting list for the waiting list (after a year of calling). Luckily I found out about the $500 assessment for women through my state's autism society. And I had $500 due to Covid Stimulus checks. I got diagnosed a year ago. Otherwise I would probably be on a list still waiting too. It can be very difficult to get diagnosed.
Excellent topic! Memory is a very inconsistent and complicated issue for me. I have very poor episodic memory but my sensory and associative memory are strong but experienced in a way where the recall is as random and chaotic as the experience had been. If the reduced synaptic pruning in autism is accurate then this would make a lot of sense. If I am taking THC I can more easily sit with the associated sensory memory and get extremely intense flashbacks to experiences that I have little to know episodic recall for. I also have difficulty with social memory recall and can’t imagine a different context for people I’ve met in a very limited or specific location. People often “feel” different in different environments. I think i take in the sensory information of the environment more than the social interaction. I can still remember roots of trees, cracks in sidewalks, and very specific things about my experiences in my life but if I close my eyes I can’t just imagine my parents, my wife’s, my daughter’s etc. faces. I have a strong sense of recognition of resemblance and association though. I can find places on Google Earth that Ive seen in films but have little specific geographical detail other than country or city. None of this ever made any sense until the autism realization.
This is fascinating. I have lots of books and other "things".
That prompt very strong playback memory.
I can pick a beach I have visited in the past and revisit it, in my memory. But my very short-term working memory. Is terrible. People out of context, trip me up all the time. I also can not trust my memory to recall things in a timely fashion, like exams or quiz. Rapid fire situations.
Welp... looks like I've found a new thing to talk about in therapy 😅 I've been SO CONFUSED about why everything is memory-based for me, to the point where trauma recovery is taking 5x longer than I thought it should. But I'm hit by memories every second of every day, no matter if I'm listening to an old song or seeing something entirely new. I also wish I had better memories to draw upon, but I hope we all have the best of luck making those memories :)
Having the overlap of autism and trauma definitely makes things tricky, but I think it’s also worth keeping in mind that recovery doesn’t have any amount of time that it ‘should’ take, it’s happens as it happens and so long as we are recovering and improving, though of course there’s always bumps and dips a long the way, we’re doing really well!
Oh my wow, thank you for this video. Your brain seems to work very similar to mine. That explains why my doctor told me he thought I had PTSD at one time. He officially diagnosed me with OCD, GAD, and MDD though instead.
I have a bit of a mix of associative and non-associative memory I guess. For almost all of my memories, I have a very precise location with the memory. For example, if I remember some past conversation, I usually know where exactly it took place, not only like in whose house or which room, but even where everybody was within the room. Even from 30 years ago. And one day I had to find my spot in an audio book as the app lost that info. I had earlier listened to the audio book when on a walk, and as I was skipping, I would remember where on my walk I was at a given spot in the audio book. I didn't even realize I had a memory like this before that happened.
But when I'm thinking about of things, usually I get the general idea of the thing in my mind, and when I think further, I get specific memories. For some objects and places, they will instantly bring memories, while with others only if I stop to think. But for almost everything I do have some associated memories that I can retrieve in a split second. I must say it's quite difficult to objectively analyze this as if I'm thinking about if I'm thinking about memories, then I automatically think about memories...
This is interesting, and I’m not sure I can relate entirely - but I suspect part of that may be because besides being Autistic, I’m aphantasic and probably have SDAM. So memories that are triggered are more like clusters of ideas that I can’t quite put into words. And the ones that are most concrete are isolated traumatic events.
Remembering and re-experiencing are two different things, more or less like watching a movie several times. So I wonder how that works here when you repeatedly remember things.
I've read some about a concept of Gestalt as it is defined in psychology that can describe the notion of an "all encompassing" mode of thinking that characterizes the top-down way autistic people interact with language. I see this mode of thought as related to why these intrusive thoughts that are symptomatic of CPTSD are misunderstood by psychological professionals.
Also, on a personal, yet hypocritical note, because I too have obvious symptoms of (C)PTSD that have gone untreated as long as you have been alive, I hope you find a remedy for its most distressing consequences.
Also, because I admire your courage to post about our experiences with autism, & also because I have plans to start a channel focused on my vision for the creation of an Epistemic Justice charity / society / social movement to improve societal norms towards truth that could use your support, I have a suggestion for a video topic for your channel:
Please review some of the recently created ai-based apps that claim to provide psychological counseling, or CBT psychotherapy, or PTSD self-help.
I can provide some specific Android app names upon request.
I didn't know this thing about memories was a thing. They seem pretty useful if you ask me. They answer that question, "Why do I do this thing this particular way?" or "Why do I have that opinion?" It's good to know this when you get some new information and start to wonder if maybe you should be doing it differently or changing your opinion. I've been around long enough to have lost a few of those memories, so now the answer to that question sometimes is, "I don't know, but I used to."
Wanna know something weird? I'm terrible at winning arguments. You'd think that someone who scripts would be better at it. I bet competitive debaters are trained to script.
I am good at debating (in general but I was never on a team) and you can't always script because things don't always go as planned. I do think of what people might say but you also have to be ready for the unexpected because you can't always predict what people will say.
@@Catlily5
Scripts can't have branches?
@@thethegreenmachine They can but you can't anticipate every possible branch.
@@Catlily5
Most you learn along the way.
As someone who has been diagnosed as autistic by a psychiatrist after a thorough series of examinations, I object to your headline. *Autistic people do NOT all think the same way.*
Too many people seeking to build online careers are using the matter of autism to market their brands to viewers, and they are spreading incorrect notions.
Don't feel bad about not responding to the comments in a timely fashion, or at all. I am quite sure that most of your viewers, myself included, are intimately familiar with being out of action points (spoons!)
Also, you don't owe us much, if anything, besides what you already do!
Many of my thoughts are of the "flashback" variety, luckily not all. Mostly the negatve ones.
We can relive our memories, how do you move on? Neurotypicals love forgetting the past and making the same mistakes over, and over. That makes them wrong.
In some ways wrong but in other ways more flexible.
I didn't know this was an autistic thing, but it is definitely a "me" thing. I have a rather good memory, and others see it as a good thing, but it isn't always.
I know there are already a lot of comments on here -- so you might not get to mine. But I wanted to say that through my research and reading peer-reviewed articles for school about ASD, typically people with ASD are not only more likely to have comorbid disorders, but they are also more likely and more easily traumatized (even by experiences that neurotypicals find they aren't bothered by at all) and have differences in processing emotions/events that cause emotions. I don't think this memory association is unique to autism because the human brain is generally wired to make associations like this, but most certainly a doctor/therapist should take autism into consideration when assessing for PTSD and recognize that trauma in that context can look different, and that not all associations are specifically trauma-related. Anyway just some jumbled thoughts because I'm also plagued by intrusive memories that happened 8+ years ago to an unexpected degree.
I (mostly) rememeber through senses. Not those kinds of senses. But like a 'sense' in my body? of something being a certain way. most of my memories in life are clustered together in different categories i guess. say theres 10 of the same or similar memory, i will rememeber one of them quite vividly but all in one with the others OR i wont have any memory but ill have a sense of the feeling i felt at the time. Maybe theres a better way to explain it.. I feel like i sound absolutely whack right now 😂
This is evidence of an overactive amygdala (the emotional memory). It is related to trauma and is common in autistic people.
Also, docs know nothing about this stuff. We who live with these experiences read more updated information, watch each other's videos, join support groups that have people from all over the world in them. Brain development studies are not being referenced by outdated doctors, but we consume that material out of a need to see ourselves and heal from being othered.
I am diagnosed with "prolonged PTSD", which is way less accurate than CPTSD (in the ICD) and I haven't had the spoons to see if the former is even in the DSM - too depressing, couldn't they have at least called it developmental trauma?
I had an argument with my GP awhile ago, because prazosin was out of supply in my part of Canada and I needed a short term replacement. Prazosin is a blood pressure medication used off label to reduce symptoms of night terrors. Canada doesn't know that, I had to ask a psychiatrist to tell my doctor about it. I had found it on my own, by being in support groups, and the only reason I had access to a psych doc was because I was outpatient, but that's why my doc even listened.
Anyway, I asked for this other histimine inhibitor med used off label for getting the CNS to wind down for sleep. She wouldn't prescribe it. Instead she offered me anti psychotics. I said no to the anti psychotics because if I use off label drugs to treat PTSD, I want there to be studies showing their efficacy AND less side effects. She went to some psych doc, who told her to push the anti-psychs again. I told her that I'd just suffer the terrors because I did not want to de-stabilize my other meds, which were working.
My doc said, "but I looked up the drug and it is an anti histamine". I was like, "yeah, and it is used off label for PTSD same as anti psychs. But it has less side effects on would not mess with any of my other meds". Then she went: "gotta ask. What makes you think you know more than the psychiatrist"? I said, "Gotta say. I'm not inhibited by a massive education and the country I live in. I can cross reference a wider information base. These meds I ask for are used by people in countries that recognize CPTSD and support groups share research and their experiences, which guides me in how I talk to my medical provider". That shut her up and she said she would look at other meds than anti psychs.
Doc went back to the psych doc and asked if she had heard of this med and the pscyh was like, "oh yeah, I prescribe that to some of my patients, it works really well".
WTF? Why didn't they talk about what I had asked for? Rhetorical. I know why and it makes me so angry.
What is the antihistamine you use to wind the CNS down for sleep? I have extreme difficulty falling asleep. I want to ask my psychiatrist about it.
I think your memory sometimes I don't know how to do it on the level that you do especially charity shop I used to work at and after shops have been in but only if I've been in them but no more people do do it as well sometimes because that help PSD happens
Do you mean PTSD?
@@thethegreenmachine yep
It's funny how nasty people remove their comments
@@_Ai_Angel
Maybe they didn't know it was nasty until later, so they removed it. Or maybe Dana removed it.
As an addition to my previous comment - because UA-cam might remove comments with links - here is the wikipedia article on Involuntary Memory: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Involuntary_memory
being reminded of bad memories is not particularly an autistic trait, it is a general low serotonin trait, and autistic people tend to have low serotonin. but not all people with low serotonin are also autistic.
And this is why we have burnout fybromyalgia symptoms
@e5142 yup. and probably oxidative stress and inflammation as well.
❤❤
So, does seeing anything trigger a pleasant memory?
Dana said the rain is a pleasant memory for her.
I have pleasant memory associations as well as unpleasant memory associations.
What does a subscription cost?
Could this be PTSD or CPTSD?
As I say in the video, although the descriptions can sound similar I don’t think they are, because I’ve always though this way and it’s for absolutely everything, not just things with trauma involved.
I am 30
Obviously not all Autistic people think the same way. Personally, I don't think like this, although that doesn't mean that you're incorrect. I might add to this comment tomorrow, but it's getting late now, and I'm tired.
Hi Dana,
Are you Danish?
My dad was, and I lived over there for a couple of years as a young teen ☺️
Invite me to your next diner party please
How do you know how everybody else thinks?
I don’t, that’s why I stress that it’s my experience and ask others to comment their own 👍🏻
When I see rain I think of the STALKER game series which is very atmospheric and is a safe escape for me when things are SOOOOOO overwhelming. I have a lot of issues going places once a bad memory forms. People have told me all my life to not live in the past, to move on, but my brain is always thinking of memories, it's just how my brain works. Therapy has never helped change this. I have a LOT of trauma since I was a little kid, but it's not all because of trauma.