One thing that really annoys me is when people expect you to be positive all the time and I've realised that my brain just isn't wired that way and I feel like I'm being forced to be something I'm not which feels pressurising
Saaaaame. I was taught to basically just not talk? My questions were rude, my conversation topics were weird and too intense. I've only recently started occasionally feeling okay leaving comments like this lol
I've only started commenting on youtube videos in the last year, since the family member who followed me around the internet and shredded me died and can't do so anymore. I solved the "not being permitted to talk or ask questions because weird and intense" by going back to uni. But that's not an accessible or long-term solution for 99.9% of us. Thanks for making this video about how your family and community talks to you. Your videos make me feel less gaslit.
People can be very judgemental, especially when you're mind your own business. I find it perplexing and makes me anxious when people do it to me, and sometimes to others. Other people's judgment nearly killed me.
Unfortunately there is a large proportion of the population who have a very strong need to police “normality”. This manifests itself as bullying in all its forms. Even, as you point out between parents and children. I’m sorry you have suffered :)
On questions, I have been shamed repeatedly not only in high school, but in graduate school. I don't care. If I was confused, I would ask for clarification. Yes, these teachers were annoyed and thought less of me, but that's their problem, not mine. Asking for clarification helped my grades rather than hurt them, and I'm sure other people benefited from the questions I asked. On special interests, I never tried to share them, even as a kid. Some were uncool, but that wasn't the main thing. The main thing was that other people weren't at all interested in things that I found fascinating.
one thing i clearly remember is when i was around 14 and my family "trained" me out of t-rex hands which i have rediscovered recently at 32 yrs old some time after i realized that i am autistic..
I can relate to this so much. I have had people train me out of my personality. As well as people being mean to "me to make me tough." People thinking I am too sensitive are usually the ones who hurt me most. Very interesting. Thank you for this video ❤
I'm sorry that your autistic traits were so frowned upon as you grew up. I relate to these points, but especially the question thing. I never ask questions because i don't know what to say and that has affected my relationships as an adult.
This video was therapeutic. It is comforting hearing someone talk about their struggles like this. This is the sort of representation that I needed growing up. I put a lot of pressure on myself not to act like my autism has any negative aspects because of how horribly the representation was when I was a kid and because of how much ableism I dealt with and internalized, and part of healing for me was to become ultra-positive about everything, and I'm trying to learn to be able to be able to be honest and critical sometimes and gloomy and to advocate for myself and talk about the challenges that I face. It's healing hearing you talk about the challenges that you have faced and still face, even though you're in a much better place now.
My family would just go silent and give me a look. Of course I would ask what's wrong, but they would just continue with the silence. I just knew I was bad in their eyes. I didn't have specific things like "don't ask questions". It was kinda more like a general "don't exist". Then I was left with the task of figuring out what it was myself, which drove me nuts. I'm not sure which is worse though. It's evil
I didn't know other people also held in their meltdowns until they found a place to be alone. I honestly thought I was faking it even when alone, like that I was doing it on purpose and overreacting to my self or something. Like up until this video I wasn't 100% sertain if they were meltdowns at all. Thank you. Cause I do this, I shutdown completely, sometimes unknowingly tightening muscles in my body, speacially if I'm cold or wet or something, like very overstimulated and still being overstimulated by the rain or something, but better to just let myself be soaking wet than stop and try do something about it, cause if I do, I will not be able to get home or continue. So I just turn everything off, become this cold shell, hollow and in pain, but also don't feel anything. Yet everything. Then when I get closer to the place (often home) where I can let go, especially if there's no more hurdles, like only walking, no thinking left, I start feeling my lungs or breaths getting heavier, getting foggy in my eyes and head kinda, like I black out in a way, fumbling more. Finally I'm inside, then I fall to the ground, scream crying and hyperventilating in a ball in the floor. I just needed to share. Maybe someone could relate. Or when I worked. Mistaking it as anxiety, before diagnosis, I tried to stop the "attack" because I needed to go back to work seeing there was soooo much to do, which didn't work because it wasn't anxiety attacks. Thank you for this video. I'm just using ur comment section to vent a little and trauma dump. Currently on my period and everything is just upside down, thrown across the room and exploded. This seemed like a safe (even if it's public) place to get out some build up.
I still feel like that. I feel like I must be faking because I can hold my emotions in until I'm alone most of the time. Or I could be sobbing in my car but the second I get out I couldn't shed a tear even if I tried. I usually just think it's probably a defense mechanism or something, but sometimes that negative thought about me faking comes into my head.
Society trained me out of stims like… sucking on my hair 😅 and my long sleeves and hoodie strings and long necklaces. But the fidgeting only got more covert, I could never do away with it. It’s amazing how much energy it takes to look “normal” in public when all you want to do is sway side to side and flap your hands. I can’t believe I’d exerted all that energy for so many years just to look normal at my own expense.
I've also felt the need to hide that I am even vaguely interested in the things I like. Especially when my interests were things that Black girls/people weren't "supposed" to like. But that's a silly idea. Even if somebody brought up a topic I was obsessed with, I'd just act like I didn't care that much because I didn't want to come across as "weird". Now I'm starting to care less, but I still worry about getting carried away and bringing up my interests TOO much in conversations lol
very relatable. especially the question thing, it’s really gotten me into trouble but i am so afraid of asking the wrong thing or asking at the wrong time or just having people make me feel ridiculous for asking a certain question. and i know it makes people feel like i don’t care but they also don’t acknowledge just how observant i am and that i actually do know a lot about them just by being around them. i mean, they notice when i make certain observations out loud or if i get them a gift they really like or something but then somehow that’s no good bc i don’t ask enough questions.. and then i try to be better about it and it’s still never enough.
Yes to the not asking any questions! I’m interested but I don’t know what are the appropriate questions to ask so I end up not asking any. And then when the silence gets akward I would just talk about myself. 😅
i trained myself to never cry, because i cried at EVERYTHING in primary school and pretty much every day aswel. seeing the reactions of other people and feeling really weird for it made me stop doing it by year 8, and i lost the ability to cry until last year (i'm 19 now)
Same. In primary school, even though every kid cries, I always felt so embarrassed, that when I entered secondary, I made a promise to never cry in school. It's not like I couldn't cry at all though
I have to be alone because I just cannot stand other people singing, humming, fidgeting and moving around. I’m autistic and those sounds and movements are just another thing for my brain to process. I want to close my eyes and hold my ears when people are moving around and making noises. It’s not their problem, it’s not that ❤️ But that’s a reason I need to be on my own, especially if I’m overstimulated. Sorry if that sounds rude, but I have mask around others too with these things because I do them also (I sing, talk to myself, pacing, sometimes fidgeting) and I know it annoys me, so it probably annoys others too. I’m a freaking complicated person 😅
I’m a middle aged guy (who has never felt a need to try to instruct anybody on their face, young woman or otherwise. WTF?!) who was diagnosed AuDHD at 52 this year, it is surprising how well I relate to everything you talk about, though I was never 100% successful at suppressing meltdowns until I was alone. I’ve also never learned the questions to ask. It’s such a weird part of the autistic experience that we can be so different, yet be so similar. If you ever feel up to it, I would appreciate hearing ways you’ve learned to reacquaint yourself with your “authentic” autistic self. After so many years, I don’t know of I’ll ever truly find mine, but I’m going to keep looking.
Your channel is a great comfort to me atm, just wanted to let you know I appreciate your videos a lot! Also never let anyone take yoru special interests away from you, as autistic people we need them!
I think I’ve developed a sixth sense for when people have had enough of hearing about my special interests… or I maybe I just have an abundance of caution around it because I’ve had it pointed out to me enough. I’ve even been compared to a drug addict the way I get into things. For example, I just got diagnosed with Autism and ADHD a few months ago, as such, my special interest right now is Autism and ADHD. I want to talk to SOMEONE about it, like a lot! However, I get the sense it’s an uncomfortable topic for people, or they’re getting tired of hearing about it… But it doesn’t matter what it is, I eventually wear people out with my special interests, and they let me know. Now I have this reluctance to talk about them at all. Thanks for this video!
I have family comment when ibsooke "too much" about my special interests. Its really disheartening as i already have to sensor myself at work and with friends. Luckily i have an autistic sibling so we go crazy weird with each other!
After diagnosed. It all makes sense now, there is no mystery , the puzzles in place , Stand there with pride now no need to hide now, it's time to embrace
I used to “click” the roof of my mouth with my tongue as a kid, usually when I was engaged with a tv show or movie and my mother would scream at me to stop and tell me how annoying it was to her or ask me “why do you do that” in that way that you and I know people do. Same with my leg wiggling, people have always been very direct about it or just gently put their hand on my knee (which I find to be a massive imposition on my personal space). I feel as though my general openness isn’t policed but instead taken full advantage of, I think others see me as a way to get someone else to do or say something that they wouldn’t so that they don’t have to get the flack for it, I.e. I’m always the voice of the group in a work sitch but nobody ever backs me up when there’s a confrontation, even if they’ve been egging me on. Makes me feel very gullible, which is ironic because I’m usually the last to believe anything since I’ve learned not to trust a soul. I also have some very specific interests and I’ve got an eidetic memory. I’ve had to train myself from correcting others when they talk about things they clearly know little about, in fact I’ll usually just go along with them and their thinking so that they don’t get upset even when I know they’re incorrect. I’ll even feign ignorance on occasion just so I’m not seen as a “know it all”. I’m not a know it all, just a know-a-lot. It’s very “oh, sorry about that,I’ll just get myself lobotomised so you don’t all feel awks about your own limitations”🙄🤦🏻♂️🤷🏻♂️ Thank you for talking about these things Dana, I literally haven’t heard anyone else talk about them the way you do and I’ve suppressed them my entire life and you talking about it relieves me of some weight on my shoulders. I feel I can actually be ok with some of the things that I was taught were wrong or cringey. Keep being a good egg!!!
I unconsciously suppressed most of my repetitive behaviors when I was a kid (from being physically beaten and yelled at one time too many) but there are also plenty of other things that I have consciously started masking throughout the years as I got older. When I was in High School, I learned to start sustaining eye contact, stop doing the "T-Rex hands" and stop stimming by rubbing my belly (my mom told me to "Stop it!" one time because it "made me look pregnant"). When I got to College, I started practicing my facial expressions in the mirror. And something I always try to also bear in mind al well is my volume and tone of voice, although I am really not good with those, but at least I no longer have a flat affect.
The wording of “don’t fidget, that’s not a thing people do” is baffling to me, because if it’s not a thing people do then why’s there a word for it? Like there’s no word for squirting milk out of your eyes, for example, because that’s not a thing people do 😅
Cheek chewing is my main stim habit as well. It was the only stim I could do without feeling self-conscious about it. The inside of my cheeks are wrecked and scarred because of it.
My dad used to shout at me for always bouncing my leg, especially when we would have family prayer time in the sitting room. He even went as far as to hold my ankle to try to stop me from moving--it felt like a straightjacket and infuriated me. He also used to shout at my sisters and me to "use your words" when we would be so upset that all he could get out of us was a very unhappy "mmmmm" or a grunt. So, so, so awful. Rage and frustration were mainstream in my childhood--and I didn't understand these things until years and years later. Because we were raised in a highly religious (and cult-like) family, a lot of stuff was chalked up to us misbehaving. And Dad got away with everything because...he's the man of the house and we're all supposed to obey him or we're going to hell :) (religious manipulation). We were trained to look like a good family and behave, and always be nice and whatever--and it set us up to be mistreated in many other situations. We were never taught what boundaries were or how to implement them with other people, and it REALLY sucks to have to learn that as an adult. When I was a kid, I feared nothing. Then somewhere along the line, I met anxiety and now have a lot of digestive issues because of it. Also as a kid, I was the most joyous, bouncy, extremely loud person around--and I ended up being trained (by many different people) to shut up and take up as little space as possible. I don't know how to get my kid-self back. She doesn't feel safe in the world.
I hide my stims alot of the time in front of strangers. People are judgemental these days or some people think you do things for attention. Im same, Dana......i cannot show any emotions or strange behavior infront of strangers. Thats why i stay at home alot of the time and be by myself. I avoid being around people as much as I can as I fear being myself. I have to repress my emotions sadly. I tell my doctors that I cannot show emotions even in front of professionals. When doctors see me, they expect me to act out and show extreme emotions. But I struggle to be my true self even in front of doctors. I try to pleasers others instead. I think we become people pleasers, sadly.
I'm the same for meltdown and special intrests, meltdown in private but mine stems from growing up as a dude and well any time I'd be excited about special intrests "friends" would bully it outta me. On the questions thing, Im like you as a kid, I never really got that metaphorically beaten outta me. I wonder if you could set ya mind into a alex drake or doctor who mindset because they are always asking questions, and people could be the case or the mystery and learning about people helps you figure them out. People can be very facinating, figuring them out, what drives them, what makes them tick, it can be fun ^^
I'm not sure if I'm autistic or not, but one thing I've always done is if I'm waiting alone out in public, at the bus stop or in the elevator, for example, I'll rock back and forth from heel to toe. This particularly happens if I'm going home, because I'm excited to be home. I have a hard time remembering things from my childhood so I'm not usually sure what I consistently did or didn't do back then.
i twirled my hair and picked off sore and peeled off sunburns. We were leaving a store one time and I was holding my husband's hand. It was more crowded than I had ever seen I just said out out out out. And I heard someone laughing and repeating it. I think visually so I'm always asking questions and people do get annoyed.
Same Here, Star Trek Was The Thing I Clung Too And Always Understood And Would Make Myself A Paper Badge And Know All The Registry's And Classes And 'Fake' Science To It Just Made Total Sense To Me And I Would Be Given The Same Sort Of Attitude By The 'Mundanes' (B5 Reference) LOL, And It Was Always Painful And Confusing As To Why It Was Soooo Terrible And Even To Some Like Abhorrent That I Was Soooo Invested In It. 😒
That bit about being told to never ask questions around 8 minutes in is wild really. I just wonder if that's a regional difference, I live in the South of England and was never told off for any of that. I don't actually know how to communicate without constantly asking questions, so I would've really struggled if I ever had to deal with that. Doesn't make sense whoever thought it was rude, that makes them weird to me!
I thinking questions often. Instead of saying, “maybe this will help, or I could try this…” a lot of my thoughts come out as “is it like this? Is it like that? What if I try this? It wouldn’t be like that though, right?”
Hi, I'm Aspie with adhd, girl you should write a book. You have a way with words, I've just been diagnosed at age 65. I would read your book. You could really help people. You've You've knack of taking my thoughts and putting them into words. Thank you x
I like charmed Dana. I am an Alysa Milano fan and the late Shannon Doherty. I think you should you be you Dana. Don't change. People have to accept you. Take care ❤
12:00 I AM THE SUN I AM THE AIR I AM HUMAN AND I NEED TO BE LOVED JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE DOES SEE I'VE ALREADY WAITED TOO LONG AND ALL MY LOVE ISSSSSS GOOOOOOONE! Phoebe best girl. Pru and Piper are canonical transphobes and should be ashamed. Shanan Doherty directed an episode where a native american person was the victim and a white man the villain in 2001 back before social justice was mainstream and is based as hell. Cole deserved better. Leo is kind of a creep. Chris is kinda just actually evil. So are the elders though less in a killing innocents way and more in a status quo warrior way. Drake dè Mon should have came back from the dead at least as often as Barbas. Replacing the theme song in the final season was a sin. The house has objectively better decor in the original than in the remake. Seeing Penny from Big Bang show up in the final season is weird AF in hindsight. Christie's death should have been given more time to sink in. I mean oh my God, Billie just lost the last family member she had left and 5 MINUTES LEFT BITCHES, ROLL FUCKING EPILOGE! The Wendigo episode was a mistake. The post canon comics are fucking wild apparently but I don't like comics so I only read the synopsis on wikipedia.
There's one thing I don't understand though, if people are making comments or judging you why wouldn't you just stand up for yourself? That's what I've been doing so much more recently and as a result people just aren't as eager to share their opinions because my responses make them realise it's not right. I guess it depends on other factors as well, thankfully I have a lot of people in my life who care about me and appreciate my traits. If something I do is bothering someone I just respond in a "mind your business" way. Why would someone think it's ok to tell you what you should or shouldn't be doing? I just generally assume it's much more about them than about me, it's pretty rude or unasked for to do something like that in the first place. I don't want to come off as arrogant, I'm just legitimately curious why so many people choose to be sad when crtitised instead of getting angry about he boundaries being crossed, especially in the neurodivergent community. From my personal experience, when you stop being so focused on what other people expect from you and just become more you-centred, connections also become more authentic, meaningful and respectful. I'm open to discussion though! (English is not my first language but trying my best)
Personally, I'm extremely conflict-averse, so my tendency is to try and avoid getting any such comments to begin with, to blend into the background. Telling someone off in person is a scenario that stresses the shit out of me; online over text it's a bit easier. Probably mainly because I can take the time to articulate my thoughts properly. Also it's always amusing to see someone write perfectly coherent English and then apologise for their non-native English, while many native speakers do a notably much worse job all the time. :D
Social rejection can hurt as much in the brain as physical pain, so ppl learn to hide it/not react. Reacting will create a vendetta/grudge in the bully-archetype brain who'll now want to take them down a peg even harder (and may get their friends in on it) because the autistic person won't cower. There's also just that stimming can be genuinely annoying, tbh, as much as it feels necessary. The assertion of 'social order' feels necessary to the bully too. Just my own opinion as an autistic adult.
@@MICHhimself I get where you're coming from and I understand that we all have different experiences. I'm also perfectly aware that my own history could be very different from yours or other people's as I've always had very strong support system. Regarding what you've said, another good solution would be standing up for yourself but internally. At the end of the day the only thing that really matters is how you interpret other people's behaviour. I've noticed that anytime there's a conflict or clash of opinions - no person is really right or wrong. It's just the matter of perspective. If you believe you're perfectly enough as you are and at peace with yourself, nobody can touch that. I used to struggle with it a lot - getting sad and ashamed when somebody was disapproving of who I am or what I'm doing and I would try to change or withdraw from the situation altogether. But I've become much better at advocating for myself from the place of self-love and immense respect I have for myself. People's attitude towards you tend to mirror what you think about yourself. I'm not saying all of this from the place of dismissing the struggles neurodivergence could bring. They're all very real and valid. But what I'm really trying to say is that in my opinion too many valuable people get affected by rejection mainly because they actually rejected themselves first. I wish everyone could realise their worth and defend it even if it means making some people dissatisfied, trust that good things will follow and you'll find the right people. (Also, thanks for the comment regarding my English! It means a lot)
@@margarett6425 Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I recognise it's certainly something I can and need to work on. " standing up for yourself but internally" is actually a way to approach it that had never occurred to me. It does seem like a much more approachable first step to work on my internal image, even if I'm not quite _speaking up_ for myself yet. I can start by not pre-emptively apologising, perhaps. 🙂
I feel like I also developed that fear/lack of script of how to ask other people about themselves/that shame about feeling intrusive; but tbh I have no idea which parts of my life or social experience might have triggered that development. I feel like a flip side reinforcement of that same issue is I also struggle to figure out what parts of myself are worth bothering to say out loud to someone else if they haven't directly asked for it. 🫠 I had people I considered friends during high school who definitely got mad at me for relying on echolalia/shared media references for the bare minimum social engagement when I was so burnt out and hollow about having anything of personal substance to engage with; feel like that's not a fully cohesive thought but like, that sort of social punishment for trying to engage with the shared interests only further reinforced feeling of don't bother speaking at all if it hasn't been directly invited or demanded. Still a real big struggle with feeling like anything I might have to say/interject with being at all relevant to a conversation 🤐
One thing that really annoys me is when people expect you to be positive all the time and I've realised that my brain just isn't wired that way and I feel like I'm being forced to be something I'm not which feels pressurising
Yes It doesn't feel like negativity to me, it feels like awareness to protect myself
That's true and I feal better amidst autistic people on the whole
Saaaaame. I was taught to basically just not talk? My questions were rude, my conversation topics were weird and too intense. I've only recently started occasionally feeling okay leaving comments like this lol
I've only started commenting on youtube videos in the last year, since the family member who followed me around the internet and shredded me died and can't do so anymore. I solved the "not being permitted to talk or ask questions because weird and intense" by going back to uni. But that's not an accessible or long-term solution for 99.9% of us. Thanks for making this video about how your family and community talks to you. Your videos make me feel less gaslit.
People can be very judgemental, especially when you're mind your own business. I find it perplexing and makes me anxious when people do it to me, and sometimes to others. Other people's judgment nearly killed me.
Unfortunately there is a large proportion of the population who have a very strong need to police “normality”. This manifests itself as bullying in all its forms. Even, as you point out between parents and children. I’m sorry you have suffered :)
Embrace the cringe! Don't let social conformity define how you can enjoy living. Keep on keeping on.
This this this this this this this!!!!!!!!!!
On questions, I have been shamed repeatedly not only in high school, but in graduate school. I don't care. If I was confused, I would ask for clarification. Yes, these teachers were annoyed and thought less of me, but that's their problem, not mine. Asking for clarification helped my grades rather than hurt them, and I'm sure other people benefited from the questions I asked. On special interests, I never tried to share them, even as a kid. Some were uncool, but that wasn't the main thing. The main thing was that other people weren't at all interested in things that I found fascinating.
one thing i clearly remember is when i was around 14 and my family "trained" me out of t-rex hands which i have rediscovered recently at 32 yrs old some time after i realized that i am autistic..
I can relate to this so much. I have had people train me out of my personality. As well as people being mean to "me to make me tough." People thinking I am too sensitive are usually the ones who hurt me most. Very interesting. Thank you for this video ❤
I'm sorry that your autistic traits were so frowned upon as you grew up. I relate to these points, but especially the question thing. I never ask questions because i don't know what to say and that has affected my relationships as an adult.
This video was therapeutic. It is comforting hearing someone talk about their struggles like this. This is the sort of representation that I needed growing up.
I put a lot of pressure on myself not to act like my autism has any negative aspects because of how horribly the representation was when I was a kid and because of how much ableism I dealt with and internalized, and part of healing for me was to become ultra-positive about everything, and I'm trying to learn to be able to be able to be honest and critical sometimes and gloomy and to advocate for myself and talk about the challenges that I face. It's healing hearing you talk about the challenges that you have faced and still face, even though you're in a much better place now.
My family would just go silent and give me a look. Of course I would ask what's wrong, but they would just continue with the silence. I just knew I was bad in their eyes. I didn't have specific things like "don't ask questions". It was kinda more like a general "don't exist". Then I was left with the task of figuring out what it was myself, which drove me nuts. I'm not sure which is worse though. It's evil
I didn't know other people also held in their meltdowns until they found a place to be alone. I honestly thought I was faking it even when alone, like that I was doing it on purpose and overreacting to my self or something. Like up until this video I wasn't 100% sertain if they were meltdowns at all. Thank you. Cause I do this, I shutdown completely, sometimes unknowingly tightening muscles in my body, speacially if I'm cold or wet or something, like very overstimulated and still being overstimulated by the rain or something, but better to just let myself be soaking wet than stop and try do something about it, cause if I do, I will not be able to get home or continue. So I just turn everything off, become this cold shell, hollow and in pain, but also don't feel anything. Yet everything. Then when I get closer to the place (often home) where I can let go, especially if there's no more hurdles, like only walking, no thinking left, I start feeling my lungs or breaths getting heavier, getting foggy in my eyes and head kinda, like I black out in a way, fumbling more. Finally I'm inside, then I fall to the ground, scream crying and hyperventilating in a ball in the floor. I just needed to share. Maybe someone could relate.
Or when I worked. Mistaking it as anxiety, before diagnosis, I tried to stop the "attack" because I needed to go back to work seeing there was soooo much to do, which didn't work because it wasn't anxiety attacks. Thank you for this video. I'm just using ur comment section to vent a little and trauma dump. Currently on my period and everything is just upside down, thrown across the room and exploded. This seemed like a safe (even if it's public) place to get out some build up.
I still feel like that. I feel like I must be faking because I can hold my emotions in until I'm alone most of the time. Or I could be sobbing in my car but the second I get out I couldn't shed a tear even if I tried.
I usually just think it's probably a defense mechanism or something, but sometimes that negative thought about me faking comes into my head.
Society trained me out of stims like… sucking on my hair 😅 and my long sleeves and hoodie strings and long necklaces. But the fidgeting only got more covert, I could never do away with it. It’s amazing how much energy it takes to look “normal” in public when all you want to do is sway side to side and flap your hands. I can’t believe I’d exerted all that energy for so many years just to look normal at my own expense.
I've also felt the need to hide that I am even vaguely interested in the things I like. Especially when my interests were things that Black girls/people weren't "supposed" to like. But that's a silly idea. Even if somebody brought up a topic I was obsessed with, I'd just act like I didn't care that much because I didn't want to come across as "weird". Now I'm starting to care less, but I still worry about getting carried away and bringing up my interests TOO much in conversations lol
very relatable. especially the question thing, it’s really gotten me into trouble but i am so afraid of asking the wrong thing or asking at the wrong time or just having people make me feel ridiculous for asking a certain question. and i know it makes people feel like i don’t care but they also don’t acknowledge just how observant i am and that i actually do know a lot about them just by being around them. i mean, they notice when i make certain observations out loud or if i get them a gift they really like or something but then somehow that’s no good bc i don’t ask enough questions.. and then i try to be better about it and it’s still never enough.
Yes to the not asking any questions! I’m interested but I don’t know what are the appropriate questions to ask so I end up not asking any. And then when the silence gets akward I would just talk about myself. 😅
i trained myself to never cry, because i cried at EVERYTHING in primary school and pretty much every day aswel. seeing the reactions of other people and feeling really weird for it made me stop doing it by year 8, and i lost the ability to cry until last year (i'm 19 now)
Same. In primary school, even though every kid cries, I always felt so embarrassed, that when I entered secondary, I made a promise to never cry in school. It's not like I couldn't cry at all though
I have to be alone because I just cannot stand other people singing, humming, fidgeting and moving around. I’m autistic and those sounds and movements are just another thing for my brain to process. I want to close my eyes and hold my ears when people are moving around and making noises. It’s not their problem, it’s not that ❤️ But that’s a reason I need to be on my own, especially if I’m overstimulated. Sorry if that sounds rude, but I have mask around others too with these things because I do them also (I sing, talk to myself, pacing, sometimes fidgeting) and I know it annoys me, so it probably annoys others too. I’m a freaking complicated person 😅
@@infidelcastor You remind me of me!😅
Seriously, you don't sound rude, you are refreshingly honest!
I also recognize there is a part of myself that I can never get back, but still connecting to my base self is helping me.
I’m a middle aged guy (who has never felt a need to try to instruct anybody on their face, young woman or otherwise. WTF?!) who was diagnosed AuDHD at 52 this year, it is surprising how well I relate to everything you talk about, though I was never 100% successful at suppressing meltdowns until I was alone. I’ve also never learned the questions to ask.
It’s such a weird part of the autistic experience that we can be so different, yet be so similar. If you ever feel up to it, I would appreciate hearing ways you’ve learned to reacquaint yourself with your “authentic” autistic self. After so many years, I don’t know of I’ll ever truly find mine, but I’m going to keep looking.
Your channel is a great comfort to me atm, just wanted to let you know I appreciate your videos a lot! Also never let anyone take yoru special interests away from you, as autistic people we need them!
Thank you so much! I can guarantee I’m not going to be putting up with anyone that doesn’t put up with my special interests! 😂🥰
Thank you so much for this.
Acceptance is a beautiful place to be. I’m learning in real time, too.
I think I’ve developed a sixth sense for when people have had enough of hearing about my special interests… or I maybe I just have an abundance of caution around it because I’ve had it pointed out to me enough. I’ve even been compared to a drug addict the way I get into things. For example, I just got diagnosed with Autism and ADHD a few months ago, as such, my special interest right now is Autism and ADHD. I want to talk to SOMEONE about it, like a lot! However, I get the sense it’s an uncomfortable topic for people, or they’re getting tired of hearing about it… But it doesn’t matter what it is, I eventually wear people out with my special interests, and they let me know. Now I have this reluctance to talk about them at all. Thanks for this video!
I have family comment when ibsooke "too much" about my special interests. Its really disheartening as i already have to sensor myself at work and with friends. Luckily i have an autistic sibling so we go crazy weird with each other!
After diagnosed.
It all makes sense now, there is no mystery , the puzzles in place , Stand there with pride now no need to hide now, it's time to embrace
I used to “click” the roof of my mouth with my tongue as a kid, usually when I was engaged with a tv show or movie and my mother would scream at me to stop and tell me how annoying it was to her or ask me “why do you do that” in that way that you and I know people do.
Same with my leg wiggling, people have always been very direct about it or just gently put their hand on my knee (which I find to be a massive imposition on my personal space).
I feel as though my general openness isn’t policed but instead taken full advantage of, I think others see me as a way to get someone else to do or say something that they wouldn’t so that they don’t have to get the flack for it, I.e. I’m always the voice of the group in a work sitch but nobody ever backs me up when there’s a confrontation, even if they’ve been egging me on. Makes me feel very gullible, which is ironic because I’m usually the last to believe anything since I’ve learned not to trust a soul.
I also have some very specific interests and I’ve got an eidetic memory. I’ve had to train myself from correcting others when they talk about things they clearly know little about, in fact I’ll usually just go along with them and their thinking so that they don’t get upset even when I know they’re incorrect. I’ll even feign ignorance on occasion just so I’m not seen as a “know it all”. I’m not a know it all, just a know-a-lot. It’s very “oh, sorry about that,I’ll just get myself lobotomised so you don’t all feel awks about your own limitations”🙄🤦🏻♂️🤷🏻♂️
Thank you for talking about these things Dana, I literally haven’t heard anyone else talk about them the way you do and I’ve suppressed them my entire life and you talking about it relieves me of some weight on my shoulders. I feel I can actually be ok with some of the things that I was taught were wrong or cringey.
Keep being a good egg!!!
I feel broken down, I'm constantly policing myself and feel bad about the behaviors "wrong" I let myself do
4:28 dude sameee..and also this 9:15 😭 too relatable!
I unconsciously suppressed most of my repetitive behaviors when I was a kid (from being physically beaten and yelled at one time too many) but there are also plenty of other things that I have consciously started masking throughout the years as I got older. When I was in High School, I learned to start sustaining eye contact, stop doing the "T-Rex hands" and stop stimming by rubbing my belly (my mom told me to "Stop it!" one time because it "made me look pregnant"). When I got to College, I started practicing my facial expressions in the mirror. And something I always try to also bear in mind al well is my volume and tone of voice, although I am really not good with those, but at least I no longer have a flat affect.
Hi Dana: I also loved Charmed, even watched the reboot! I can relate to your perspective on asking questions 💯 Gotta be out of necessity
The wording of “don’t fidget, that’s not a thing people do” is baffling to me, because if it’s not a thing people do then why’s there a word for it?
Like there’s no word for squirting milk out of your eyes, for example, because that’s not a thing people do 😅
Cheek chewing is my main stim habit as well. It was the only stim I could do without feeling self-conscious about it. The inside of my cheeks are wrecked and scarred because of it.
My dad used to shout at me for always bouncing my leg, especially when we would have family prayer time in the sitting room. He even went as far as to hold my ankle to try to stop me from moving--it felt like a straightjacket and infuriated me. He also used to shout at my sisters and me to "use your words" when we would be so upset that all he could get out of us was a very unhappy "mmmmm" or a grunt. So, so, so awful. Rage and frustration were mainstream in my childhood--and I didn't understand these things until years and years later.
Because we were raised in a highly religious (and cult-like) family, a lot of stuff was chalked up to us misbehaving. And Dad got away with everything because...he's the man of the house and we're all supposed to obey him or we're going to hell :) (religious manipulation). We were trained to look like a good family and behave, and always be nice and whatever--and it set us up to be mistreated in many other situations. We were never taught what boundaries were or how to implement them with other people, and it REALLY sucks to have to learn that as an adult.
When I was a kid, I feared nothing. Then somewhere along the line, I met anxiety and now have a lot of digestive issues because of it. Also as a kid, I was the most joyous, bouncy, extremely loud person around--and I ended up being trained (by many different people) to shut up and take up as little space as possible. I don't know how to get my kid-self back. She doesn't feel safe in the world.
I hide my stims alot of the time in front of strangers. People are judgemental these days or some people think you do things for attention. Im same, Dana......i cannot show any emotions or strange behavior infront of strangers. Thats why i stay at home alot of the time and be by myself. I avoid being around people as much as I can as I fear being myself. I have to repress my emotions sadly. I tell my doctors that I cannot show emotions even in front of professionals. When doctors see me, they expect me to act out and show extreme emotions. But I struggle to be my true self even in front of doctors. I try to pleasers others instead. I think we become people pleasers, sadly.
I see a lot of myself in the way you were treated growing up 💚
@@canUfeelMYface quite possibly!!
I'm the same for meltdown and special intrests, meltdown in private but mine stems from growing up as a dude and well any time I'd be excited about special intrests "friends" would bully it outta me.
On the questions thing, Im like you as a kid, I never really got that metaphorically beaten outta me. I wonder if you could set ya mind into a alex drake or doctor who mindset because they are always asking questions, and people could be the case or the mystery and learning about people helps you figure them out. People can be very facinating, figuring them out, what drives them, what makes them tick, it can be fun ^^
The doctor*
I'm not sure if I'm autistic or not, but one thing I've always done is if I'm waiting alone out in public, at the bus stop or in the elevator, for example, I'll rock back and forth from heel to toe. This particularly happens if I'm going home, because I'm excited to be home.
I have a hard time remembering things from my childhood so I'm not usually sure what I consistently did or didn't do back then.
i twirled my hair and picked off sore and peeled off sunburns. We were leaving a store one time and I was holding my husband's hand. It was more crowded than I had ever seen I just said out out out out. And I heard someone laughing and repeating it. I think visually so I'm always asking questions and people do get annoyed.
My ex tried to bully me out of whistling when I was happy 🙄🙄🙄🙄
My family used to tell me ‘a woman whistling summons the devil’ and I’d be like lucky I’m 8 and not a woman 😂🙄🙄
Same Here, Star Trek Was The Thing I Clung Too And Always Understood And Would Make Myself A Paper Badge And Know All The Registry's And Classes And 'Fake' Science To It Just Made Total Sense To Me And I Would Be Given The Same Sort Of Attitude By The 'Mundanes' (B5 Reference) LOL, And It Was Always Painful And Confusing As To Why It Was Soooo Terrible And Even To Some Like Abhorrent That I Was Soooo Invested In It. 😒
That bit about being told to never ask questions around 8 minutes in is wild really. I just wonder if that's a regional difference, I live in the South of England and was never told off for any of that. I don't actually know how to communicate without constantly asking questions, so I would've really struggled if I ever had to deal with that. Doesn't make sense whoever thought it was rude, that makes them weird to me!
I thinking questions often. Instead of saying, “maybe this will help, or I could try this…” a lot of my thoughts come out as “is it like this? Is it like that? What if I try this? It wouldn’t be like that though, right?”
Well with mother and grandfather the same just normal was to us growing up still using the information today lol
Hi, I'm Aspie with adhd, girl you should write a book. You have a way with words, I've just been diagnosed at age 65. I would read your book. You could really help people. You've You've knack of taking my thoughts and putting them into words. Thank you x
I like charmed Dana. I am an Alysa Milano fan and the late Shannon Doherty. I think you should you be you Dana. Don't change. People have to accept you. Take care ❤
12:00
I AM THE SUN
I AM THE AIR
I AM HUMAN AND I NEED TO BE LOVED
JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE DOES
SEE I'VE ALREADY WAITED TOO LONG
AND ALL MY LOVE ISSSSSS GOOOOOOONE!
Phoebe best girl. Pru and Piper are canonical transphobes and should be ashamed. Shanan Doherty directed an episode where a native american person was the victim and a white man the villain in 2001 back before social justice was mainstream and is based as hell. Cole deserved better. Leo is kind of a creep. Chris is kinda just actually evil. So are the elders though less in a killing innocents way and more in a status quo warrior way. Drake dè Mon should have came back from the dead at least as often as Barbas. Replacing the theme song in the final season was a sin. The house has objectively better decor in the original than in the remake. Seeing Penny from Big Bang show up in the final season is weird AF in hindsight. Christie's death should have been given more time to sink in. I mean oh my God, Billie just lost the last family member she had left and 5 MINUTES LEFT BITCHES, ROLL FUCKING EPILOGE! The Wendigo episode was a mistake. The post canon comics are fucking wild apparently but I don't like comics so I only read the synopsis on wikipedia.
How Soon Is Now? That song is god-tier 💯
This video is so relatable 🎉
There's one thing I don't understand though, if people are making comments or judging you why wouldn't you just stand up for yourself? That's what I've been doing so much more recently and as a result people just aren't as eager to share their opinions because my responses make them realise it's not right. I guess it depends on other factors as well, thankfully I have a lot of people in my life who care about me and appreciate my traits. If something I do is bothering someone I just respond in a "mind your business" way. Why would someone think it's ok to tell you what you should or shouldn't be doing? I just generally assume it's much more about them than about me, it's pretty rude or unasked for to do something like that in the first place. I don't want to come off as arrogant, I'm just legitimately curious why so many people choose to be sad when crtitised instead of getting angry about he boundaries being crossed, especially in the neurodivergent community. From my personal experience, when you stop being so focused on what other people expect from you and just become more you-centred, connections also become more authentic, meaningful and respectful. I'm open to discussion though! (English is not my first language but trying my best)
Personally, I'm extremely conflict-averse, so my tendency is to try and avoid getting any such comments to begin with, to blend into the background. Telling someone off in person is a scenario that stresses the shit out of me; online over text it's a bit easier. Probably mainly because I can take the time to articulate my thoughts properly.
Also it's always amusing to see someone write perfectly coherent English and then apologise for their non-native English, while many native speakers do a notably much worse job all the time. :D
Social rejection can hurt as much in the brain as physical pain, so ppl learn to hide it/not react. Reacting will create a vendetta/grudge in the bully-archetype brain who'll now want to take them down a peg even harder (and may get their friends in on it) because the autistic person won't cower. There's also just that stimming can be genuinely annoying, tbh, as much as it feels necessary. The assertion of 'social order' feels necessary to the bully too. Just my own opinion as an autistic adult.
@@MICHhimself I get where you're coming from and I understand that we all have different experiences. I'm also perfectly aware that my own history could be very different from yours or other people's as I've always had very strong support system. Regarding what you've said, another good solution would be standing up for yourself but internally. At the end of the day the only thing that really matters is how you interpret other people's behaviour. I've noticed that anytime there's a conflict or clash of opinions - no person is really right or wrong. It's just the matter of perspective. If you believe you're perfectly enough as you are and at peace with yourself, nobody can touch that. I used to struggle with it a lot - getting sad and ashamed when somebody was disapproving of who I am or what I'm doing and I would try to change or withdraw from the situation altogether. But I've become much better at advocating for myself from the place of self-love and immense respect I have for myself. People's attitude towards you tend to mirror what you think about yourself.
I'm not saying all of this from the place of dismissing the struggles neurodivergence could bring. They're all very real and valid. But what I'm really trying to say is that in my opinion too many valuable people get affected by rejection mainly because they actually rejected themselves first. I wish everyone could realise their worth and defend it even if it means making some people dissatisfied, trust that good things will follow and you'll find the right people.
(Also, thanks for the comment regarding my English! It means a lot)
@@margarett6425 Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I recognise it's certainly something I can and need to work on. " standing up for yourself but internally" is actually a way to approach it that had never occurred to me. It does seem like a much more approachable first step to work on my internal image, even if I'm not quite _speaking up_ for myself yet. I can start by not pre-emptively apologising, perhaps. 🙂
I feel like I also developed that fear/lack of script of how to ask other people about themselves/that shame about feeling intrusive; but tbh I have no idea which parts of my life or social experience might have triggered that development. I feel like a flip side reinforcement of that same issue is I also struggle to figure out what parts of myself are worth bothering to say out loud to someone else if they haven't directly asked for it. 🫠 I had people I considered friends during high school who definitely got mad at me for relying on echolalia/shared media references for the bare minimum social engagement when I was so burnt out and hollow about having anything of personal substance to engage with; feel like that's not a fully cohesive thought but like, that sort of social punishment for trying to engage with the shared interests only further reinforced feeling of don't bother speaking at all if it hasn't been directly invited or demanded. Still a real big struggle with feeling like anything I might have to say/interject with being at all relevant to a conversation 🤐