Wanna watch your narc spiral out of control? Simply tell them "No," calmly with conviction next time they try to boss you around. They can't stand it! 😂
1. They already know it all. 2. They know more than you. 3. “Getting through” indicates they might be incorrect about something and they are rarely incorrect. 4. They know you better than you know you (remember they know everything.) 5. No one else tries to get through to them (because they’re good at snowing everyone else) so you must be the problem since you’re the only one trying to get through to them. 6. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and it’s your opinion they need gotten through to. It’s their opinion you’re just crazy. 7. See number one. Rinse and repeat. Obviously this list is coming from the mindset of a highly narcissistic person. Therein lies the bottom line- their warped mindset of an alternative reality about themselves keeps anyone from getting through to them. Have a great weekend, Team Healthy and DrC! It’s a beautiful day in Southern Indiana! Perfect for a cup of cocoa or tea!
#5 hits a nerve the worst. Because others do not see it. Others do not have a vested, personal or direct investment in this person (narc). Others only care about their own image and what the (narc) can do for them and their image. So it's a double edged sword for us or at least me. Wedged in with no way out.
@@elcee7800 I hear you. It’s been my experience most people aren’t necessarily like the narcissist. They either feel awkward and don’t know how to help or they just don’t have the time, capacity, or resources to help so it seems like they don’t care. “Seems” being the key word. When it all boils down- YOU are the one who can help yourself. In that there is peace and freedom from the swords. There is definitely a way out. Hang in there! Keep listening to DrC. Keep learning. Put what you learn into action. You are not alone.
@@AlwaysStampinVideos I have to disagree with you on that. The others like that setup for all the words I said. Otherwise they wouldn't be so acquiescing to and upholding of his mere presence. It sounds almost like you may be one of the others by your defense of this psychological damage.
I usually had to shut up. He knew it all. Sometimes he said: "Don't!!!" That meant "don't talk / argue / express yourself" Thanks Dr. C. and Gus. His favorite sentence was: "If you do what I say, we will get along." I told him to forget it.
My NF has said that to me (only child and now 67yo) many times. "You need to give up your life and dreams to take care of me to make me happy." The funny thing is even if one were to 'don't' that wouldn't change a thing.
The glee and delight in their eyes after getting away with something is deeply disturbing. Six weeks until moving day! 🎉 It has been a very long road and there will STILL be inner work to do. It will be NO CONTACT. I’m thinking of the Billy Joel song, ‘My Life’….”go ahead with your own life, leave me alone!” 😂 Thank you for everything Dr. C.! You and Team Healthy know! 😉❤️🕊
I ran across a young psychologist on UA-cam yesterday who believes that the commonly accepted idea that narcissism results from childhood trauma is nonsense. I think a lot of us believe that.
The Dog says it all 😆....he has the EXACT right attitude towards Narcissist!!....🤠 I was raised by 1 & Married to 1 for 20 yrs....DO WHAT THE DOG'S DOING TRUST ME...IGNORE them...take a NAP...SELF care!🙏🏻👍🏻
We live in a studio, so I cannot close a door, but I have the bed to myself (behind a wall); he sleeps on a sofa…So when he starts to rage, I put in some nice music in my ears and take a nap(he went on half an hour and I was enjoying my music, not hearing any of his insults…😅😂) Mostly afterwards he says a fake sorry bc he is scared that I would tell my family about his behavior. To late for that, they are waiting for me, they know I have to save up first before I can escape here…These videos are my therapy sessions 😊❤
Lol, and mine wears an "I'm a mature Christian minister " mask and tells me I owe her for the thousands of hours of counseling she gave me while living in a tent in my front yard for 6 years while I supported her financially.
Dr . Carter , on october the 16th i cried out loud, that mental abuse should be prosecutable. Then that day came on the news ' mental abuse will be prosecutable in The Netherlands!' Im so happy and thankfull. God heard my cry for help. 🙏🙏🙏🎉🎉🎉
I've only recently understood that my husband's problem has a name 'narcissit', and we've been married 57 years. I sort of feel sorry for him. He's treated me appallingly, but I've not been very nice when I've retaliated. The saddest thing is, we could have had a great marriage. He's 84 and got heart and kidney failure. I'm 76. We have three children that have turned out okay and we see them fairly often. My eldest daughter and myself have a good relationship. I feel angry that I've reached this age and I'm having to look after my husband and have had no life, to speak of, to call my own. I have two dogs that light up my life. We meet lots of other dog owners on our walks and have some lovely chats.
@isobelshaw3958 - my maternal grandmother ran away from her husband to come live with her eldest daughter, my mother. My grandfather was a combination of very high intellect, bigoted opinions, financial acumen, fierce familial loyalty to his grandchildren and routinely callous, cruel emotionally and verbally (and probably physical, earlier in their marriage) abusive treatment of my grandmother. She was well into her 80s when she showed up on our porch. My father told me she expressed disbelief that he would welcome her into the home he and Mom built. He told her, "You're my wife's mother. You always have a home here." The fact that she thought he would reject her, to me, illustrates how conscious she was of the very low opinion she and grandpa had of my father, who was a kind, gentle man and brilliant physician. Grandmother lived out final years with her sister, going on outings, caring for her little dog, and generally enjoying life with new friends. It's never too late to claim your own stake in life, even if you cannot move away. I wish you every possible happiness and the best of luck.
I understand why you feel angry you have to care for him and have had no life to speak of that you would call your own. I would too and it's ok to feel it and it's ok to say it. It's also ok to not have known it. Neither did I. It's kind of funny but I found out when the man she left me for and who she married told me after 4 years. Ha ha.... Up to then I just thought she was nuts and sometimes I thought I must be nuts. Im glad to know you were not nice when you retaliated, it's good to retaliate when one is treated badly. I loved retaliating and after 18 years of been divorced still very much do when she tries to play her games.
No matter how much I learn, try, improve myself, “conversations” with my snarc always end with his temper tantrums. I am so tired of dealing with it because there is NO OPENING in his armor. I just live my own life to the best of my ability, and videos like these, Dr. C, are tremendously validating. Bless you & thank you for injecting sanity into these insane situations. 🙏❤️
Exactly. Mine NEVER LET GO. And "remembered" things from long ago, decades, childhood even, with rage and acrimony. And as "reasons" for doing, or not doing, something here and now, worlds away. Sometimes even with a different current subject. Lordy.
Yea I moved up a few places ahead in a line at the Farmers Market when a new cashier showed up at a busy stand and directed some customers to her register-thought my narcissistic oriented friend would stroke out - “it’s NOT fair I was AHEAD of you in the line.” Good Lord. I had a couple of items … she left early in a huff over my faux pas of moving over to extra cashier. We are in our late 60’s 🙄
They can't answer a question with a simple 'Yes or No' preferring to go into a long drawn out reason why it doesn't require an answer; they loathe confrontation. Thankyou Dr. Carter, your videos make so much sense.
@@SurvivingNarcissismWould you be willing to consider describing the tactics to protect yourself from a narcissist with a global network of flying monkeys?
😂you are not alone Today I asked husband a simple straightforward question. He could not say yes or no. Then husband had a tantrum and drove off. It never ends I’m working on getting rid of him. I’m emotionally, physically exhausted after 44 years of marriage. It got real bad when he retired and I saw the real person. It’s so painful 😢😮 but I’ve learned hard lessons that I never will repeat. Marrying a narc is doomed from the start. So my advice is do not rush into any relationship.
You can’t connect with a person who is determined not to hear you, see you or empathise with you. It’s like we speak two different languages. No communication only noise and frustration.
Dr C slipped up last time when signing off & said decency instead of dignity for a healthy way of conducting life but I loved that he misspoke ♥️ decency is most certainly in short supply with narcissism! A narcissist couldn’t care less about being a decent human being… just about being taken for one at least in public
NarcDad had 1st family reunion at 74 years old, on the invite it said he had a medical condition and needed to do the reunion with 4 weeks notice. 2023. No one showed up. Kids, grandchildren, extended family...no one showed up. Narcissistic injury was so immense that he discarded all his family...😂
If you can't get through to someone, it can be a red flag. 🚩 For example, the leader in my previous job didn't understand what others said. He also lacks insight and problem-solving skills. Finally, I started making an exit plan when he gaslighted me online. 🏃💨🚩
There's actually only one reason , they know it all already , you can't add one thing of value . Remember , they are the smartest person in the room , just ask them , they will be the first to let you know that . Sad creepers .
If I talk to a narcissist, I can usually feel their anger because after I walk away I'll feel irritable. I'll ask myself 'Why do I all of the sudden feel irritable?' The only thing that different that happened was I just talked to a person, so I know it had to be from that situation. When a narcissist seems to be nice, there is still an underlying anger, passive aggressiveness, disagreeableness, and competitive mindset going on that I notice. It's just is a little more dormant when the narcissist is being nice, but when I say something that brings it out of the narcissist more, I see it come out fully.
Every time my husband goes into a rant about how I’ve failed him for the past 22 years, I tell him to leave. He never does! I’m developing my own plan to get out.
I got to that point too used to say if I’m that bad then why don’t you leave? And who’s the idiot for sticking around when you could do this to someone with a bigger and better house than me 😂… you’ll get there and you sound like you’ve got your head straight with it… I’m guessing your also at a point where you thrive and better yourself every day from that ish 👍👍💪💪
My only understanding is that they are not human. There is no reason that justifies their absolutely deplorable behavior. They disgust me in every way. They try to destroy lives, just evil.
Resistance to having an open dialogue invariably leads to an ossified mindset and detachment, loneliness and eventually bitterness and vengefulness. Not a pretty sight.
#4 was always interesting. I'm a logic-based researcher, and very good at predicting, so I'm usually right. When he constantly fought me over it, he decided my facts were lies and conspiracies, and my intelligence was elitist. He was trying to be literally a better layman. 😂
Their aggressive alpha approach to absolutely every situation makes me feel anxious. I don’t want to be around people like that. I either end up feeling like a cowed dog on a leash or if I don’t immediately comply with a smile the tug of war ensues and eventually devolves into rage 😡 energy. My nervous system does not like it.
Woooow, Sir, what you just said!!! They are closed to themselves so you can’t get through to them! That means you can’t resolve anything with them. A spouse you can divorce, but having adult children like that is manifold more painful. To say it mildly. Thank you again for your support 😊 dear doctor. Ester from Stuttgart
Oh wow. This is just what I need to hear. I will up and waiting in the morning with coffee in hand. I know I can't get through to narcissists (on some level) but it seems old habits die hard.
I come here for support, answers, and clarity as I make my way through the fog. Thank you, Dr. Carter, for the help. Your peaceful channel is a guide line through this fog and an important part of my healing process. Bless you, and Gus. 🙏
Thank you Dr Carter!! I always learn something ! I surrendered having reciprocal conversations therefore a corresponding relationship with many key people in my family who display NPD traits when I was in Elementry school! The orchestrations are juvenile and tedious! I am just a pawn in their evolving agenda rooted in temperately fluffing up their lil bruised ego! I am unable to finish a sentence as they are an expert in all subjects from A to Z and back to A again! When you speak up you are mouthy, if you stay quiet a coward! No bueno!
Thank you so much Dr. C. That was so insightful and it describes my ex wife so well. She discarded us 8 months ago after 7 years of marriage. Sudden, brutal, and without discussion. Just gone. Your rational and kind way of teaching is very encouraging.
So good! 1000% accurate!! Thank you for always helping me to articulate the realities I have dealt with for over 40 years! The narc doesn’t live in reality!!
Wow, Dr. C, that would explain why after 2 years of trying to figure out what was causing my narcissist sister to get volatile at me every time she would text - she calls me to fill me in on her recent health issues and before she could even get to that, she starts to attack me on the phone. Needless to say the conversation was going 'south', she clearly now wanted to end the conversation and I called her out and basically said, no more, we need to talk this out - her response? she lashed out and shouted 'Well hurry up cause I haven't got all day!!!". Wow, 3 years trying to figure out what was going on. That was the last straw. It has been 2 years now, no contact and also the same with our other enabler sister (who also started to lash out at me too, prior to all this other stuff going on).
My sister treats me the same way. I cut her off only four months ago, but deep in my heart I know it’s for good. When you get to the point that you are afraid she is poisoning the food you are eating… that cut off is forever, and unfortunately, that includes my enabling mother. Mom refers to themselves as a “package deal.”
To me, it's sad because a narcissist does not know how to love themselves. I don't mean in a snobbish, I'm better than you way. They don't know how to accept and be kind to their inner selves. I've also thought the same about criminals. I've thought that if they could love themselves, they would realize their criminal way of life is not good enough for them, and that as a person, they deserve a better way of life for themselves.
Thank you, Team Healthy, I hope you know how much I appreciate every bite of the interactions with you all. Even at my age, I have a lot to learn, which is why I am here. 😊🙏💓☺️ Thank you, Dr. Carter. 👏👏
OMG. You hit the nail on the head once again. I'm always so amazed at how thoroughly you understand this syndrome. As I've said to you before, my doctorate in psychology never prepared me to see anything so deeply as you see narcissism. You've helped me tremendously as well as those I work with. Thank you. ❤
All they want is turmoil. They do anything to run their mouth. Telling you to answer the phone as you are picking it up. Because they just need to control and say something to make them think they control you by telling you to answer the phone. Any nice free day you have. They want to ruin it for you so you can't even have down time from their disregulation.
Dr Carter can you please consider doing some videos on the most common symptoms you’ve in counted in your patients who’ve been exposed to long term narcissistic abuse please, As I feel it’d be very helpful in helping survivors know how they think and cope and behave is common to other survivors. Thank you as always 🙏
We can always count on the narcissistic individual to "Tell like it WAS!" (In fact was, is and always will be, they never change) When considering THEIR opinions, ideas or thoughts - consider the source. Consider everything THEY say and do comes with a caveat - for you...Full allegiance and compliance. If you aren't prepared to pay that bill....(which will NEVER be paid in THEIR minds,) You can start fresh by investing in Healthy! It's time! Stay Healthy!!
For sure! Every time I visit my narc sister, she reminds me of the time my four year old son said something to her that deeply hurt her feelings. She cannot see that he was a child and that she needs to let it go. My son is now 30 years old!!! To this day, she holds it against him (he should have known better) and against me, because it’s obvious I taught him to say those things!!!! 🤪
They are everywhere. No contact is not always an option when it's your boss, manager, co-worker, business partner, your landlord or property manager, your banker, the list goes on. We need videos on how to deal with business narcissists lol
They start talking to defend themselves over nothing and then get themselves so worked up while they talk and talk , they go into a frenzy and then start aiming it at you. You are just sitting there watching and hoping they'll calm down but that is rarely the case.
I came to the understanding by my mid-twenties that the abuse and bullying was rooted in severe problems with identity, particularly the need for a group identity extending from them onto targets. I also needed thinking in oversimplified extremes and lack of conditional reasoning. Finally, the picture seemed reasonably complete with the addition of problems maintaining a stable concept of others across state change and when out of sight. The things you discuss here all appear to fit with this. I thought it might be useful for someone else to consider, since despite trying to find why this might be wrong, I've not yet succeeded in doing so.
1. They operate on a virtual reality inside their head. That's the reason. Reality would disturb their parallel world. (known as snapshot) 2. Talk is about supply only, sometimes intense, and 1. applies anyway ofc.. PS Take 1. literally, you do NOT exist, no matter if you are child, spouse, whatever.
I’m lost for words He is my Son he is so bad to me he wants to move in with me and I said no in 78 years old I can’t do it Everyday fora year and a half he calls texts or comes here to start on me. Sometimes it’s just unbearable but yet I pity him I don’t know what to do any more I can’t abandon him he is my son and he has a lot of health issues. I feel I’m trapped. Thank you doctor for these videos
Do you have any other children, siblings or friends that you can turn to for support? Maybe social services could help you out. Does he need housing, etc.? It might be worth a try. Ask around to see what options might be available.
@Rachel-mz8ko Why put the onus on her to find a solution? He is a grown man who should be providing for and figuring out life's challenges for himself by now. No means no. Every time. Stop asking because the answer is never going to change. Time for some firm boundaries. Every time you bring up this topic, I will terminate the conversation. You can't control him, but you are in control of yourself!
@@karenneiman856 I made the suggestion I did because I know how relentless they can be and how hard it can be to stave them off. They can be devious and physically threatening. It's better the whole way around to get some outside help to keep them away. Yes, they are mature in physical age but not mature in emotional age; sometimes, they get themselves into situations they just can't solve on their own.
I asked the ex to read an easy to read 3 page article about a couple and how they dealt with a relationship issue. He “read it” - I then asked him a few minutes later - what he thought about how Mary and Joe dealt with their issue. He then said “who is Mary and Joe? Glad I’m no longer married to him. It was constantly bang head here
My son is a narcissist. It's really hard for me to be around him. I feel entirely drained of energy after an hour. I just discovered this in the past couple of years thanks to your videos. I didn't know what was going on. All the symptoms you talk about are present. I'm more of an empathic person and avoid conflict like the plague. It's really unpleasant for me to be around my son having been raised by a Narcissist mother.
When you say no, that’s when the battle begins. The fight to prove they were right-and YOU are wrong. An old German saying-“It’s not enough for me to win; the other person must lose.”
My narc father and sister to me 'you want to be in charge'!!!!! me ' in charge of what'?? planning? took me fifty years to realise they were saying 'you want to be in charge!...of yourself' wth
My mother wished the worst for me in 2021 just before she died. I told her that my brother touched my wife and stole $ 7,000.00 from us so we would no longer see her golden child. She died months later and I had to sum up a relationship with a cold covert Narcissist since birth. I heard the words in my head say this ; " WE BOTH SAW THE WORLD DIFFERENTLY ." It gave me peace because the truth sets you free.
This was absolutely the way my now Exhusband was. He was exposed for who is really is, COVERT NARCISSIST MASTER MANIPULATER Toxic and extremely ABUSIVE = Dangerous person = DIVORCED. He was exposed for trying to use me for his own personal gain of U.S citizenship, he's from Africa, Muslim Arab descent. He is a extremely DANGEROUS person, awful situation to have been in. Thank you for your reading, BLESSINGS 🙌 🙏 ❤❤❤
The one I am living with a passive aggressive one, has no life of their own and joins in mine if they feel like it. They plan nothing, contribute nothing and appear to agree with everything I say, plan, 'our' arrangements and then completely IGNORE ME and everything we planned! When I ask why all I get is lies, deflection, denial, blaming me and gaslighting. Ending it soon. YAY!
This is one of my reoccurring dreams about my sister. She’s like a wall with blinking eyes. I am trying to get some sense into her and nothing will penetrate. Nothing at all. I start to smack her, not to hurt her, but just to somehow make an opening for truth to enter. Nothing happens. I begin to hit her harder and harder, trying to create a crack in her. She feels nothing. Just blinking eyes. I’ve had this dream for something like 20 years.
This is my mother to a tee!! She is 84 and still going strong with her narcissist abuse in the family! I say it like it is and she CAN'T stand that!! I have gone no contact again, and what makes me so upset are the flying monkeys in the family who cater to her!! She paints me as such a horrible person and the funny thing is I am NOT that. I don't let it get to me anymore because it is wasted time and energy. To me people who are narcissists are in the demonic category. I have seen this in my mothers eyes when she is raging. She tries to hide that from others but a few have seen it as well. God bless anyone going through this abuse
Excellent points; thank you for sharing your wisdom. Perhaps you have already covered the narcissist's need to win every argument, even if it means sacrificing relationships. If not, I would love to hear your thoughts on why a narcissist needs to win every point.
It would be nice if everyone followed the Golden Rule.. I like how Dr. Phil talks about dealing with things as they are rather than how I want them to be.. I think you do the same.. Thank you..
I could really use a series on narcissistic mothers. After nearly 50 years of gaslighting, I'm finally beginning to understand her behavior. I've been estranged from my dad and 3 siblings off and on for 20 years. I'm the scapegoat, and they don't want to get on her radar. I'm deeply grieving the mother I've fantasized about and the family I've lost.
This philosophy divide people in two categories: narcissists(-) and not narcissists(+). "Narcissists" is dehumanizing term, identical to "demons", so "not narcissists" is equivalent to "angels". So people tend to divide others to "angels" and "demons". Of course "I am not a demon" by definition. "They are demons" by definition. "I am not a demon, I am better than them, I am superior than them, I am light, they are darkness" etc This is narcissism in a nutshell
When I "got through" to wasband, he became the sulky victim. When I said he was right (it certainly did happen), he became the sulky victim some more! HOW?? "Oh you mean I'm right for once." Complete with lower lip stuck out, like a toddler. Only now realizing that he just was that way. All the time. Sigh.
I'd love to hear you talk about the covert narcissist -- when they don't express anger and criticize, but they go silent or walk out of the room when you express something.
Both of my children are narcissists but they have different types. When I was raising them, I felt as though I was inside a glass cylinder and they could see my lips moving but they couldn't hear a word I said.
Narcissist try to convince you. You're the narcissist. Even will make you question are you🤔 Then you ask yourself can I admit when I'm wrong ✅ Can I self reflect ✅ Can I apologize when I'm wrong✅ Do I ever feel entitled or claim what I deserve? No
Dr. C. Could use some suggestions on dealing with mutual friends when the narcissist try to turn them against you. What do you say without looking like I am badmouthing the narcissist. Questions like “what is happening with you and narcissist” and acquaintances who they butter up and try to make me look uncharitable, etc. . Thanks
Others in their company do not see them for what they truly are. Others do not have a vested, personal or direct investment in this person (narc). Others only care about their own image and what the (narc) can do for them and their image. Otherwise the others wouldn't be so acquiescing to and upholding of (narcs) mere presence. So it's a double edged sword for us or at least me. Wedged in with no way out.
Their dread of
Being inferior
Being vulnerable
Being held accountable
Losing their power and control
Being exposed
Self reflection
Their humanity
Wanna watch your narc spiral out of control? Simply tell them "No," calmly with conviction next time they try to boss you around. They can't stand it! 😂
Exactly, my narc hubby always told me… “ I hate being told, No, “!
Oh, that's my mother. How Dare anyone tell her No!
Honestly sounds like a 5 year old not 🚫 getting their way LOL 😆😆😆
Exactly...rage ensues...
Dr Carter. Can I ask why does it feel it is about car numbers and names. Like reminder to someone or some people. It is not about me.
You get more sense out of a brick wall!
😂
You get more blood out of a turnip
Best comment
All of the above 🙄
Truth
Get through? As in actually listening? As in being remotely agreeable? Yeah, no.
Looks like (if I sleep well) I’ll miss premiere by going to a mens’ retreat instead. I’ll catch up.
😂😂😂😂 thx Aaron
Only with others, Aaron, only with others. I'm glad you're able to turn yourself inside out to recognize that!
Truth.
😅😂😅
1. They already know it all.
2. They know more than you.
3. “Getting through” indicates they might be incorrect about something and they are rarely incorrect.
4. They know you better than you know you (remember they know everything.)
5. No one else tries to get through to them (because they’re good at snowing everyone else) so you must be the problem since you’re the only one trying to get through to them.
6. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and it’s your opinion they need gotten through to. It’s their opinion you’re just crazy.
7. See number one. Rinse and repeat.
Obviously this list is coming from the mindset of a highly narcissistic person. Therein lies the bottom line- their warped mindset of an alternative reality about themselves keeps anyone from getting through to them.
Have a great weekend, Team Healthy and DrC! It’s a beautiful day in Southern Indiana! Perfect for a cup of cocoa or tea!
Hi KellyJean. You always make so much sense. I suspect you'll find that your observations are very similar to what is discussed in this video!!!
Thank you Dr. C and Team Healthy🩷
#5 hits a nerve the worst. Because others do not see it. Others do not have a vested, personal or direct investment in this person (narc). Others only care about their own image and what the (narc) can do for them and their image. So it's a double edged sword for us or at least me. Wedged in with no way out.
@@elcee7800 I hear you. It’s been my experience most people aren’t necessarily like the narcissist. They either feel awkward and don’t know how to help or they just don’t have the time, capacity, or resources to help so it seems like they don’t care. “Seems” being the key word. When it all boils down- YOU are the one who can help yourself. In that there is peace and freedom from the swords. There is definitely a way out. Hang in there! Keep listening to DrC. Keep learning. Put what you learn into action. You are not alone.
@@AlwaysStampinVideos I have to disagree with you on that. The others like that setup for all the words I said. Otherwise they wouldn't be so acquiescing to and upholding of his mere presence. It sounds almost like you may be one of the others by your defense of this psychological damage.
I usually had to shut up. He knew it all. Sometimes he said: "Don't!!!" That meant "don't talk / argue / express yourself" Thanks Dr. C. and Gus.
His favorite sentence was: "If you do what I say, we will get along."
I told him to forget it.
Is he your Exe?
@@Melly16yr10 Hi Melly, Yes.
My NF has said that to me (only child and now 67yo) many times. "You need to give up your life and dreams to take care of me to make me happy." The funny thing is even if one were to 'don't' that wouldn't change a thing.
The glee and delight in their eyes after getting away with something is deeply disturbing. Six weeks until moving day! 🎉 It has been a very long road and there will STILL be inner work to do. It will be NO CONTACT. I’m thinking of the Billy Joel song, ‘My Life’….”go ahead with your own life, leave me alone!” 😂 Thank you for everything Dr. C.! You and Team Healthy know! 😉❤️🕊
CONGRATS 🎉WHOOOOP‼️👍🏻🤠
@@tbunnyshy1 I'm counting the days for you. Hang in there. You got this 👍 💪 🙏🫂❤️🩹
Rejoice....then guard yourself well. Good luck.....
I ran across a young psychologist on UA-cam yesterday who believes that the commonly accepted idea that narcissism results from childhood trauma is nonsense. I think a lot of us believe that.
@bobtaylor170 I think I've seen something like that, maybe not the same person. It's all useful. We definitely have to keep an open mind.
The Dog says it all 😆....he has the EXACT right attitude towards Narcissist!!....🤠 I was raised by 1 & Married to 1 for 20 yrs....DO WHAT THE DOG'S DOING TRUST ME...IGNORE them...take a NAP...SELF care!🙏🏻👍🏻
We live in a studio, so I cannot close a door, but I have the bed to myself (behind a wall); he sleeps on a sofa…So when he starts to rage, I put in some nice music in my ears and take a nap(he went on half an hour and I was enjoying my music, not hearing any of his insults…😅😂) Mostly afterwards he says a fake sorry bc he is scared that I would tell my family about his behavior. To late for that, they are waiting for me, they know I have to save up first before I can escape here…These videos are my therapy sessions 😊❤
It’s exhausting 🙄
It's like they never mature.
They literally did not.
They don't at all
Lol, and mine wears an "I'm a mature Christian minister " mask and tells me I owe her for the thousands of hours of counseling she gave me while living in a tent in my front yard for 6 years while I supported her financially.
That’s called “Arrested Development”.
Permanent toddlers
Dr . Carter , on october the 16th i cried out loud, that mental abuse should be prosecutable. Then that day came on the news ' mental abuse will be prosecutable in The Netherlands!'
Im so happy and thankfull. God heard my cry for help.
🙏🙏🙏🎉🎉🎉
I need help pls😢
@@daxachampaneri9390 is there something i can help with?
No more free speech in the Netherlands. Got it.
@@daxachampaneri9390 Les and other online coaches offer private sessions. Reach out to him or one of them!
Do deal with it alone!
I've only recently understood that my husband's problem has a name 'narcissit', and we've been married 57 years. I sort of feel sorry for him. He's treated me appallingly, but I've not been very nice when I've retaliated. The saddest thing is, we could have had a great marriage. He's 84 and got heart and kidney failure. I'm 76. We have three children that have turned out okay and we see them fairly often. My eldest daughter and myself have a good relationship. I feel angry that I've reached this age and I'm having to look after my husband and have had no life, to speak of, to call my own. I have two dogs that light up my life. We meet lots of other dog owners on our walks and have some lovely chats.
@isobelshaw3958 - my maternal grandmother ran away from her husband to come live with her eldest daughter, my mother. My grandfather was a combination of very high intellect, bigoted opinions, financial acumen, fierce familial loyalty to his grandchildren and routinely callous, cruel emotionally and verbally (and probably physical, earlier in their marriage) abusive treatment of my grandmother. She was well into her 80s when she showed up on our porch. My father told me she expressed disbelief that he would welcome her into the home he and Mom built. He told her, "You're my wife's mother. You always have a home here." The fact that she thought he would reject her, to me, illustrates how conscious she was of the very low opinion she and grandpa had of my father, who was a kind, gentle man and brilliant physician.
Grandmother lived out final years with her sister, going on outings, caring for her little dog, and generally enjoying life with new friends. It's never too late to claim your own stake in life, even if you cannot move away. I wish you every possible happiness and the best of luck.
I understand why you feel angry you have to care for him and have had no life to speak of that you would call your own. I would too and it's ok to feel it and it's ok to say it. It's also ok to not have known it. Neither did I. It's kind of funny but I found out when the man she left me for and who she married told me after 4 years. Ha ha.... Up to then I just thought she was nuts and sometimes I thought I must be nuts. Im glad to know you were not nice when you retaliated, it's good to retaliate when one is treated badly. I loved retaliating and after 18 years of been divorced still very much do when she tries to play her games.
The damage that's been done is immeasurable.
Been married for 20 years.
Only now I realised.
He just makes me feel so alone.
Omg it's painful
No matter how much I learn, try, improve myself, “conversations” with my snarc always end with his temper tantrums. I am so tired of dealing with it because there is NO OPENING in his armor. I just live my own life to the best of my ability, and videos like these, Dr. C, are tremendously validating. Bless you & thank you for injecting sanity into these insane situations. 🙏❤️
Well said. Going through same.
I keep watching these videos so I don't forget how to be around him.
If you display a 'mind of your own' or an opinion the narcassist will attack, because they want total control of you.
Narcissists are very good at making mountains out of mole hills.
Exactly. Mine NEVER LET GO. And "remembered" things from long ago, decades, childhood even, with rage and acrimony. And as "reasons" for doing, or not doing, something here and now, worlds away. Sometimes even with a different current subject. Lordy.
Yea I moved up a few places ahead in a line at the Farmers Market when a new cashier showed up at a busy stand and directed some customers to her register-thought my narcissistic oriented friend would stroke out - “it’s NOT fair I was AHEAD of you in the line.” Good Lord. I had a couple of items … she left early in a huff over my faux pas of moving over to extra cashier. We are in our late 60’s 🙄
@@jeankipper6954Sounds like you know my bf 😅
They can't answer a question with a simple 'Yes or No' preferring to go into a long drawn out reason why it doesn't require an answer; they loathe confrontation. Thankyou Dr. Carter, your videos make so much sense.
You’re quite welcome.
@@SurvivingNarcissismWould you be willing to consider describing the tactics to protect yourself from a narcissist with a global network of flying monkeys?
😂you are not alone Today I asked husband a simple straightforward question. He could not say yes or no. Then husband had a tantrum and drove off. It never ends I’m working on getting rid of him. I’m emotionally, physically exhausted after 44 years of marriage. It got real bad when he retired and I saw the real person. It’s so painful 😢😮 but I’ve learned hard lessons that I never will repeat. Marrying a narc is doomed from the start. So my advice is do not rush into any relationship.
I had to no contact. Pure silence. No talking to anyone
Near him. A PROTECTIVE ORDER.TOO was needed.
You can’t connect with a person who is determined not to hear you, see you or empathise with you. It’s like we speak two different languages. No communication only noise and frustration.
Spot on, Izabela. Good to hear from you!
@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you 🙏 for everything you do for us. God bless you
Then they complain that you are unable to communicate.
Those and I’m invisible.
@@ck-ig4nk Yes, you are treated as being invisible or else too visible and a nuisance.
I love Gus. He, like my dogs, keeps us and me grounded in me
Yep!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Gus preferred not to stay on his own blanket when he's asleep on the couch.
Dr C slipped up last time when signing off & said decency instead of dignity for a healthy way of conducting life but I loved that he misspoke ♥️ decency is most certainly in short supply with narcissism! A narcissist couldn’t care less about being a decent human being… just about being taken for one at least in public
Oh well, slip ups happen!
Yes, it was cute, really
It was Perfect.😊😊😊
@@caroleminke6116 YES because they're already plenty "dignified!" 🤣
Yep, decency is something my narcissistic mother absolutely lacks.
NarcDad had 1st family reunion at 74 years old, on the invite it said he had a medical condition and needed to do the reunion with 4 weeks notice. 2023. No one showed up. Kids, grandchildren, extended family...no one showed up. Narcissistic injury was so immense that he discarded all his family...😂
If you can't get through to someone, it can be a red flag. 🚩
For example, the leader in my previous job didn't understand what others said. He also lacks insight and problem-solving skills. Finally, I started making an exit plan when he gaslighted me online. 🏃💨🚩
@@yukio_saito online, wow 🫂
And then you farted?
There's actually only one reason , they know it all already , you can't add one thing of value . Remember , they are the smartest person in the room , just ask them , they will be the first to let you know that . Sad creepers .
Indeed!
If I talk to a narcissist, I can usually feel their anger because after I walk away I'll feel irritable. I'll ask myself 'Why do I all of the sudden feel irritable?' The only thing that different that happened was I just talked to a person, so I know it had to be from that situation.
When a narcissist seems to be nice, there is still an underlying anger, passive aggressiveness, disagreeableness, and competitive mindset going on that I notice. It's just is a little more dormant when the narcissist is being nice, but when I say something that brings it out of the narcissist more, I see it come out fully.
You make sense.
Yes , recognizable
Every time my husband goes into a rant about how I’ve failed him for the past 22 years, I tell him to leave. He never does! I’m developing my own plan to get out.
Good for you!❤❤❤
No contact im suffering
You need to get out. They will drive you crazy. Not me I got out. Now I happy.
Same girl, same!
I got to that point too used to say if I’m that bad then why don’t you leave? And who’s the idiot for sticking around when you could do this to someone with a bigger and better house than me 😂… you’ll get there and you sound like you’ve got your head straight with it… I’m guessing your also at a point where you thrive and better yourself every day from that ish 👍👍💪💪
My only understanding is that they are not human. There is no reason that justifies their absolutely deplorable behavior. They disgust me in every way. They try to destroy lives, just evil.
Resistance to having an open dialogue invariably leads to an ossified mindset and detachment, loneliness and eventually bitterness and vengefulness. Not a pretty sight.
You just don't matter to them. You become an inconvenience.
#4 was always interesting. I'm a logic-based researcher, and very good at predicting, so I'm usually right. When he constantly fought me over it, he decided my facts were lies and conspiracies, and my intelligence was elitist. He was trying to be literally a better layman. 😂
So nice to see the sweet old doggie napping on the coach. That brings an element of calm to the picture.
They are not receptive.
@@Summer_Harvest They don't want to be. ❤️🩹
Their aggressive alpha approach to absolutely every situation makes me feel anxious. I don’t want to be around people like that. I either end up feeling like a cowed dog on a leash or if I don’t immediately comply with a smile the tug of war ensues and eventually devolves into rage 😡 energy. My nervous system does not like it.
@@llkellenba anxiety is such a horrible feeling. I can relate.
@@amandaliverpool3374 it is and I view it as more of a red flag 🚩 these days … ok not to try and tolerate those situations
Woooow, Sir, what you just said!!! They are closed to themselves so you can’t get through to them! That means you can’t resolve anything with them. A spouse you can divorce, but having adult children like that is manifold more painful. To say it mildly.
Thank you again for your support 😊 dear doctor.
Ester from Stuttgart
this is a hard one for me
I have had the worst time getting this through my head and still yet even
You and me both!
Oh wow. This is just what I need to hear. I will up and waiting in the morning with coffee in hand. I know I can't get through to narcissists (on some level) but it seems old habits die hard.
I come here for support, answers, and clarity as I make my way through the fog. Thank you, Dr. Carter, for the help. Your peaceful channel is a guide line through this fog and an important part of my healing process. Bless you, and Gus. 🙏
They Shut Off + Cut u out. Block You.
That’s what he did to me just for trying to understand why he was doing any of it.
Always spot on, Dr. C! Thank you! And by the way, it's not a Dr. C. video without sweet Gus sleeping in the background.
Thank you Dr Carter!! I always learn something ! I surrendered having reciprocal conversations therefore a corresponding relationship with many key people in my family who display NPD traits when I was in Elementry school! The orchestrations are juvenile and tedious! I am just a pawn in their evolving agenda rooted in temperately fluffing up their lil bruised ego! I am unable to finish a sentence as they are an expert in all subjects from A to Z and back to A again! When you speak up you are mouthy, if you stay quiet a coward! No bueno!
Thank you so much Dr. C. That was so insightful and it describes my ex wife so well. She discarded us 8 months ago after 7 years of marriage. Sudden, brutal, and without discussion. Just gone. Your rational and kind way of teaching is very encouraging.
So good! 1000% accurate!! Thank you for always helping me to articulate the realities I have dealt with for over 40 years! The narc doesn’t live in reality!!
Wow, Dr. C, that would explain why after 2 years of trying to figure out what was causing my narcissist sister to get volatile at me every time she would text - she calls me to fill me in on her recent health issues and before she could even get to that, she starts to attack me on the phone. Needless to say the conversation was going 'south', she clearly now wanted to end the conversation and I called her out and basically said, no more, we need to talk this out - her response? she lashed out and shouted 'Well hurry up cause I haven't got all day!!!". Wow, 3 years trying to figure out what was going on. That was the last straw. It has been 2 years now, no contact and also the same with our other enabler sister (who also started to lash out at me too, prior to all this other stuff going on).
Sad it had to end this way, but I'm glad you're figuring it out.
My sister treats me the same way. I cut her off only four months ago, but deep in my heart I know it’s for good. When you get to the point that you are afraid she is poisoning the food you are eating… that cut off is forever, and unfortunately, that includes my enabling mother. Mom refers to themselves as a “package deal.”
To me, it's sad because a narcissist does not know how to love themselves. I don't mean in a snobbish, I'm better than you way. They don't know how to accept and be kind to their inner selves. I've also thought the same about criminals. I've thought that if they could love themselves, they would realize their criminal way of life is not good enough for them, and that as a person, they deserve a better way of life for themselves.
Exactly. Self love deficit syndrome.
Like Gus, my fuzzy creatures keep me sane. ❤
Thank you, Team Healthy, I hope you know how much I appreciate every bite of the interactions with you all. Even at my age, I have a lot to learn, which is why I am here. 😊🙏💓☺️
Thank you, Dr. Carter. 👏👏
@@SteelyBlue2013 I'm 58. Still learning 🙏
@amandaliverpool3374 It's nice to be learning with someone who is learning too. ✨️😌😊
@@SteelyBlue2013 This community has saved me ❤️
OMG. You hit the nail on the head once again. I'm always so amazed at how thoroughly you understand this syndrome. As I've said to you before, my doctorate in psychology never prepared me to see anything so deeply as you see narcissism. You've helped me tremendously as well as those I work with. Thank you. ❤
All they want is turmoil. They do anything to run their mouth. Telling you to answer the phone as you are picking it up. Because they just need to control and say something to make them think they control you by telling you to answer the phone. Any nice free day you have. They want to ruin it for you so you can't even have down time from their disregulation.
Yup.
Dr Carter can you please consider doing some videos on the most common symptoms you’ve in counted in your patients who’ve been exposed to long term narcissistic abuse please, As I feel it’d be very helpful in helping survivors know how they think and cope and behave is common to other survivors.
Thank you as always 🙏
They don’t want to understand you. Too much work. And they’re pitifully,,,insipid.
wish I hadnt wasted my life with a narcissist.
We can always count on the narcissistic individual to "Tell like it WAS!" (In fact was, is and always will be, they never change)
When considering THEIR opinions, ideas or thoughts - consider the source. Consider everything THEY say and do comes with a caveat - for you...Full allegiance and compliance.
If you aren't prepared to pay that bill....(which will NEVER be paid in THEIR minds,) You can start fresh by investing in Healthy! It's time! Stay Healthy!!
For sure! Every time I visit my narc sister, she reminds me of the time my four year old son said something to her that deeply hurt her feelings. She cannot see that he was a child and that she needs to let it go. My son is now 30 years old!!! To this day, she holds it against him (he should have known better) and against me, because it’s obvious I taught him to say those things!!!! 🤪
They are everywhere. No contact is not always an option when it's your boss, manager, co-worker, business partner, your landlord or property manager, your banker, the list goes on. We need videos on how to deal with business narcissists lol
They start talking to defend themselves over nothing and then get themselves so worked up while they talk and talk , they go into a frenzy and then start aiming it at you. You are just sitting there watching and hoping they'll calm down but that is rarely the case.
I came to the understanding by my mid-twenties that the abuse and bullying was rooted in severe problems with identity, particularly the need for a group identity extending from them onto targets. I also needed thinking in oversimplified extremes and lack of conditional reasoning. Finally, the picture seemed reasonably complete with the addition of problems maintaining a stable concept of others across state change and when out of sight.
The things you discuss here all appear to fit with this. I thought it might be useful for someone else to consider, since despite trying to find why this might be wrong, I've not yet succeeded in doing so.
1. They operate on a virtual reality inside their head. That's the reason. Reality would disturb their parallel world. (known as snapshot)
2. Talk is about supply only, sometimes intense, and 1. applies anyway ofc..
PS Take 1. literally, you do NOT exist, no matter if you are child, spouse, whatever.
I’m lost for words He is my Son he is so bad to me he wants to move in with me and I said no in 78 years old I can’t do it Everyday fora year and a half he calls texts or comes here to start on me. Sometimes it’s just unbearable but yet I pity him I don’t know what to do any more I can’t abandon him he is my son and he has a lot of health issues. I feel I’m trapped. Thank you doctor for these videos
Do you have any other children, siblings or friends that you can turn to for support? Maybe social services could help you out. Does he need housing, etc.? It might be worth a try. Ask around to see what options might be available.
@Rachel-mz8ko Why put the onus on her to find a solution? He is a grown man who should be providing for and figuring out life's challenges for himself by now. No means no. Every time. Stop asking because the answer is never going to change. Time for some firm boundaries. Every time you bring up this topic, I will terminate the conversation. You can't control him, but you are in control of yourself!
His harassment is Elder Abuse in my opinion. Could you report him?
@@karenneiman856 I made the suggestion I did because I know how relentless they can be and how hard it can be to stave them off. They can be devious and physically threatening. It's better the whole way around to get some outside help to keep them away.
Yes, they are mature in physical age but not mature in emotional age; sometimes, they get themselves into situations they just can't solve on their own.
@@Rachel-mz8ko Well said, Rachel
I asked the ex to read an easy to read 3 page article about a couple and how they dealt with a relationship issue. He “read it” - I then asked him a few minutes later - what he thought about how Mary and Joe dealt with their issue. He then said “who is Mary and Joe? Glad I’m no longer married to him. It was constantly bang head here
My son is a narcissist. It's really hard for me to be around him. I feel entirely drained of energy after an hour. I just discovered this in the past couple of years thanks to your videos. I didn't know what was going on. All the symptoms you talk about are present. I'm more of an empathic person and avoid conflict like the plague. It's really unpleasant for me to be around my son having been raised by a Narcissist mother.
Very worthwhile watching this video a couple of times.
When you say no, that’s when the battle begins. The fight to prove they were right-and YOU are wrong.
An old German saying-“It’s not enough for me to win; the other person must lose.”
'Decades old norms' come back to haunt!
Your work is always super useful!
Glad to hear that!
My narc father and sister to me 'you want to be in charge'!!!!!
me ' in charge of what'?? planning?
took me fifty years to realise they were saying 'you want to be in charge!...of yourself' wth
Thanks Doc, that explain somethings that are going on in my life.
Thank you Dr Carter this explains everything so concisely
My mother wished the worst for me in 2021 just before she died. I told her that my brother touched my wife and stole $ 7,000.00 from us so we would no longer see her golden child. She died months later and I had to sum up a relationship with a cold covert Narcissist since birth. I heard the words in my head say this ; " WE BOTH SAW THE WORLD DIFFERENTLY ." It gave me peace because the truth sets you free.
I tried to get through once; I through up and through in the towel and throughly gave up.
This was absolutely the way my now Exhusband was. He was exposed for who is really is, COVERT NARCISSIST MASTER MANIPULATER Toxic and extremely ABUSIVE = Dangerous person = DIVORCED. He was exposed for trying to use me for his own personal gain of U.S citizenship, he's from Africa, Muslim Arab descent. He is a extremely DANGEROUS person, awful situation to have been in. Thank you for your reading, BLESSINGS 🙌 🙏 ❤❤❤
Run and don't look back!
Until they come to the end of themselves it does not matter what one says or does. They simply do not care!!!
Beautifully shared. Helpful. Keep noticing your dog. Ultimately narcissist are just boring. Your pal appears to get that. Lol. Thank you.
Thank you very much Dr. Carter. Your wisdom can enlighten humanity!
Glad it was helpful!
The one I am living with a passive aggressive one, has no life of their own and joins in mine if they feel like it. They plan nothing, contribute nothing and appear to agree with everything I say, plan, 'our' arrangements and then completely IGNORE ME and everything we planned! When I ask why all I get is lies, deflection, denial, blaming me and gaslighting. Ending it soon. YAY!
Thank you Dr. C. Lots of great topics you show us.
You're quite welcome, Nancy!
Excellent. Thanks Les. I really valued Gus's input also
thank you Les, sometimes we need to come back to the basics of life and keep it simple 👍
I like Gus!
Gus is a sweetheart 😊
TeamGus❤
This is one of my reoccurring dreams about my sister. She’s like a wall with blinking eyes. I am trying to get some sense into her and nothing will penetrate. Nothing at all. I start to smack her, not to hurt her, but just to somehow make an opening for truth to enter. Nothing happens. I begin to hit her harder and harder, trying to create a crack in her. She feels nothing. Just blinking eyes. I’ve had this dream for something like 20 years.
This is my mother to a tee!! She is 84 and still going strong with her narcissist abuse in the family! I say it like it is and she CAN'T stand that!! I have gone no contact again, and what makes me so upset are the flying monkeys in the family who cater to her!! She paints me as such a horrible person and the funny thing is I am NOT that. I don't let it get to me anymore because it is wasted time and energy. To me people who are narcissists are in the demonic category. I have seen this in my mothers eyes when she is raging. She tries to hide that from others but a few have seen it as well.
God bless anyone going through this abuse
Thanks Les! It seems that there's always something else to learn about them. This video certainly added some important key pieces to the puzzle.
Glad it was helpful!
Excellent points; thank you for sharing your wisdom. Perhaps you have already covered the narcissist's need to win every argument, even if it means sacrificing relationships. If not, I would love to hear your thoughts on why a narcissist needs to win every point.
Thank-you, Dr. Carter.
It would be nice if everyone followed the Golden Rule.. I like how Dr. Phil talks about dealing with things as they are rather than how I want them to be.. I think you do the same.. Thank you..
I could really use a series on narcissistic mothers. After nearly 50 years of gaslighting, I'm finally beginning to understand her behavior. I've been estranged from my dad and 3 siblings off and on for 20 years. I'm the scapegoat, and they don't want to get on her radar. I'm deeply grieving the mother I've fantasized about and the family I've lost.
Gus, the blanket is there for your benefit, mate! Mooch over and enjoy it.
You'd think by now he'd have it figured out!! Oh well.
This philosophy divide people in two categories: narcissists(-) and not narcissists(+). "Narcissists" is dehumanizing term, identical to "demons", so "not narcissists" is equivalent to "angels". So people tend to divide others to "angels" and "demons".
Of course "I am not a demon" by definition. "They are demons" by definition.
"I am not a demon, I am better than them, I am superior than them, I am light, they are darkness" etc
This is narcissism in a nutshell
Gus is my homeboy 😅❤
Thank you Dr. C
He is honored!
Thank you for your helpful videos!
Glad you like them!
When I "got through" to wasband, he became the sulky victim. When I said he was right (it certainly did happen), he became the sulky victim some more! HOW?? "Oh you mean I'm right for once." Complete with lower lip stuck out, like a toddler. Only now realizing that he just was that way. All the time. Sigh.
I'd love to hear you talk about the covert narcissist -- when they don't express anger and criticize, but they go silent or walk out of the room when you express something.
In the search bar on my channel site, if you put in the topic, you should find multiple videos on that topic!!
They don't want you to get through!
Both of my children are narcissists but they have different types. When I was raising them, I felt as though I was inside a glass cylinder and they could see my lips moving but they couldn't hear a word I said.
Narcissists are raised, not born.
Having personal experience, this is entirely true.
Excellent as always.....
Very usefulinformation.
Narcissist try to convince you. You're the narcissist. Even will make you question are you🤔 Then you ask yourself can I admit when I'm wrong ✅ Can I self reflect ✅ Can I apologize when I'm wrong✅ Do I ever feel entitled or claim what I deserve? No
You can’t wake someone who’s pretending to be asleep…
Dr. C. Could use some suggestions on dealing with mutual friends when the narcissist try to turn them against you. What do you say without looking like I am badmouthing the narcissist. Questions like “what is happening with you and narcissist” and acquaintances who they butter up and try to make me look uncharitable, etc. . Thanks
Thank you
Others in their company do not see them for what they truly are. Others do not have a vested, personal or direct investment in this person (narc). Others only care about their own image and what the (narc) can do for them and their image. Otherwise the others wouldn't be so acquiescing to and upholding of (narcs) mere presence. So it's a double edged sword for us or at least me. Wedged in with no way out.
Gus deftly avoids the blanket every time.
😀
He sometimes enjoys the blanket.
You are describing may father perfectly! Do you know him?😅