For me, It's my "I know 5 people who also have ADHD and they always seem to succeed at most things they do, and can do most things all at once, and two of them are successful enough to just travel whenever and buy a house in an insane market and not even sweat." ....And that goes up against my "I can't even finish something, other than a few video games, after 33 years alive." :(
Thank you. I really needed this today. Former gifted kid diagnosed last year at 52. I’ve been struggling for so long and feeling like I’ve fallen short almost all of the time. Thank you for your encouragement, information and sharing your story.
I am also 52 and diagnosed in the last few years - was a really gifted child who flunked the last few years of school where clearly ADHD overwhelmed me. But I left school at 16, and I have slowly built my life in little steps, including completing a Masters degree in 2017, and finding a new role at 52 as a senior manager. It can be done, and I find I am super relaxed now having come to terms with the diagnosis, but also super critical and understanding of who I am, and ensuring my team compliment me - and boy do we deliver as a unit. ADHD is a hinderance, but you can become something else.
Same here, just 50. I was "diagnosed" long ago, but it was informal and I never got any help. I was told "Self medicate with caffeine". I didn't REALLY start understanding it until my little girl was diagnosed, and I dove in deep to help her. SO MUCH TO LEARN!! For me, you, and others, also so very very much to UNLEARN 😓 But, we've got support now. And help. And an understanding that we are NOT FAILURES - WE WERE FAILED, by the system, society, and often the very people who loved us but didn't understand to NOT judge us! Long long line of adhd/asd/all sorts of other stuff for me. Even those who understood exactly what I was going through, couldn't actually support me, because they were so damaged from their own crud. So, we get to END IT. Or at least, get the momentum going to where it - the judging, the narrow view of "success", the guilt tripping, ALL - WILL END. We get to DO IT. And the kids get to LIVE IT. And as a bonus, we get to have life in front of us we may have even given up on. My options are so much more limited now, because there's just no changing "50". But my options of WHO I shall be... those are wide open. And I have better tools for building myself. ... As do you. You and every adult late diagnosed or aided. It's difficult for me not to be bitter, but I try to keep this in mind. CONGRATULATIONS!!!🥳🥳 (Almost feels like the day of diagnosis for some could be a "new start new me" day to celebrate 😅) Agapé 303
I’ve learned that every time I make a plan involving, “as long as I can keep up this uncharacteristically high output, I’ll be fine,” I’m not fine. Oh wait, I haven’t learned it and keep doing it. Thanks for this video, it was very insightful!
hyper-focus day: *does a week's worth of work in 4 hours* this is all so easy, why does it take my neurotypical coworkers so long? unfocused days: I will bounce back and forth between these easy tasks stressing about each of them. I won't actually make progress on them, but I won't give myself permissions to relax either. No reschedule, only self-loathing!
"Nail jello to the wall" is how I feel whenever I try to do something that truly does not interest me, but I've never been able to vocalize why until now
"Why?" and "Says who?" are the two most important questions that helped me reduce that feeling of failure. Finding out which standards for success I'm considering and where they come from really puts things into perspective. Very few things will keep producing that feeling after 5 consecutive "why"s
I've found that my ability to question things is tied to my financial status. This is a really helpful comment but from a personal perspective it can be much harder to do when your reality is telling you that you don't deserve even basic necessities. At the age of 28 I still only go out to a restaurant for dinner when my mum pays for it. Every time I visit the doctor the receptionists give me a hard time for not paying. Every time I try to work on my business and succeed, it is still a failure because I'm still poor (no matter how far I have actually come)
@@Holphana I feel this so much! I'm an artist, so life hasn't been financially friendly for me, specially being ND. I feel like a productive failure, like I can't be an adult. I can't wake up early and work 8 hours, nor eat (I forget), just basic stuff everyone does. Maybe my ADHD Is more severe than I thought, meds help a bit (But I can't keep buying them) It's like life goes so fast, and I can't adapt to it
The hardest thing is when you have an extended period of hyper focus where you’re consistent and productive that’s interrupted by a tragedy. I was doing super well after an extended period of being lost, working out regularly and attending engineering school until I lost my mom last fall. It took everything in me to keep doing well in school so I ended up falling off on my fitness and haven’t been able to pick it back up since. I lost all the progress I worked so hard for and despite maintaining an A average I still feel like a failure… I know it’s unreasonable but that’s how I feel and it’s really hard sometimes.
Sending you love and condolences on the loss of your mother, and many hopes that your recovery through grief may see you function well again one fine day. 💗🙏🏻✨
i hear you. I divorced and had to sell the house during lock down. I felt like I could never get break. I would sort one thing out and loads of other things would take my attention away.l
@@catrandle9439 That's rough to go through during lockdown. So many tasks and responsibilities pile up when you're dealing with stressful depressing things while having ADHD. ADHD brains are already starved for serotonin and dopamine, so adding stress and depression makes it so much worse. I highly recommend supplementing 5-HTP periodically (I use it a 2-3 times a week before bed) to keep your serotonin levels up. L-theanine is also very helpful.
I lost my mom too when I was 16. Knowing I have ADHD and my struggles with it just got hightened when she died. Because she was my support, someone I could turn to for help and love and comfort. Without her? Well it’s much harder. But not impossible. We can do this. I know we can. Stay strong. We have to. We fight more than a lot of people around us may think.
"Work harder!"is what I always told myself. The fear stimulates, so even success can feel more like avoiding pain than joyful. I also fall down the rabbit hole of trying to categorize which failures are ADHD, which are due to my personality, which are due to inexperience or taking on too much, and which are just human error. It's fruitless though. Like trying to trace the exact cause of a butterfly pivoting in the sky. And it doesn't matter. I think I started doing this to reassure myself that everyone makes mistakes and has challenges. However, it is more constructive not to care or compare and to continue to find more strategies that work for me ...other than "work harder". I am glad you posted this!
Wowk hawdew!"is what I awways towd mysewf. the *runs away* feaw stimuwates, so even OwO success c-can feew mowe wike *screams* avoiding pain than joyfuw. I awso faww d-d-down the x3 wabbit (・`ω´・) howe of t-twying t-to c-categowize which faiwuwes awe ADHD, which awe due t-to my pewsonyawity, which awe due t-to inyexpewience ^-^ ow (・`ω´・) taking on too *twerks* much, and which awe just *whispers to self* human ewwow. It's fwuitwess though. Wike t-twying t-to twace the x3 exact (・`ω´・) cause of a buttewfwy *screeches* pivoting in the x3 sky. And i-it d-doesn't mattew. I think I stawted d-d-doing this t-to weassuwe mysewf that evewyonye m-makes mistakes and has chawwenges. Howevew, i-it is mowe constwuctive nyot t-to cawe ow (・`ω´・) c-compawe and t-to continyue *screeches* t-to find mowe stwategies that wowk (・`ω´・) fow me ...othew than "wowk hawdew". *blushes* I am gwad ^w^ you posted this!!11
Or when you do succeed, you don’t actually believe it and think people are just saying u did well to make u feel better, which hurts more than just failing.
After a recent severe burnout, I try to remember that telling myself "Work harder!" in an unsustainable situation is like telling myself "Keep banging your head against that wall!"
Excellent point about trying to do too much as a way to “catch up.” Constantly feel like I can’t catch up to where my peers, friends & family are at- regarding basically anything. Even when I succeed at 1 thing it’s usually cause I’ve let 10 other things fail. Also find that what seems 2b the easiest or most important to me other people disagree or it isn’t nearly as easy as I think it should be so I get frustrated or give up and then the paralysis happens... sometimes I don’t even get started cause everything seems “most important” and idk how to prioritize...
Prioritisation is hard for me too… just recently I’ve started using Notion, and that’s helped. I set up a sorting formula on a tasks database that takes into account when something is due, what area of my life it’s in (education, life goals, home) and whether it’s urgent or important.
Also, it might be worth choosing what you’re going to fail at. Choosing what you’re willing to get critizied and yelled at for. It sounds odd, but the act of choosing both creates a do not do list that actually frees your focus and also reduces anxiety because you ran out of f**ks to give and would rather say YES to xyz instead.
I finally got my inattentive ADHD diagnosis yesterday :) After almost ten years of professionals and myself telling me I didn't need a diagnosis I finally pushed through and got the assessment!
Glad for you that you got confirmation. Mainly due to the times when I grew up, I wasn't diagnosed until I was 48 years old. So I have a lifetime of negative thought such as "Why can't I do things like everyone else?" I still have negative thoughts, but I know what I am dealing with. Watching these videos helps too.
Gotta love when your boss is setting goals for you and when you try to tell him you can’t do it he says ‘I believe in you, you gotta believe in yourself!’. He doesn’t believe in adhd and tells me ‘I shouldn’t downtalk myself saying that something is wrong with me’. And ‘that I just have some quirks but my work gets done so what’s the problem?’ . He doesn’t see how hard I am trying to be ‘just’ that ‘quirky person’ and that I am making tonnes of extra hours to get my work done.. When they see my extra hours they just tell me ‘stop being so perfectionistic’ but at the same time expect the same quality as ever.. I really don’t know how to deal with it. Many times it feels like I’m being asked to breathe underwater or something. I tried explaining my brain is different and it has its own benefits if I get the right tools, but he then tells me ‘it’s just a matter of practice’ … it makes me feel really sad, like a failure.
What do you do? If able get strategic about automating as much as you can. Heck def learn to prompt engineer (read some articles) for leveraging chat gpt.
Try not to let someone who doesn't even "believe" that you struggle (have ADHD). Their statements tell far more about themselves than they do on you. Try to be patient with yourself, and know that you are trying hard, but doing well.
This was exactly how I felt during school, at one point I became so burnt out from feeling like I was a failure compared to everyone else in school that I ugly cried in front of my mother after school. This cycle was horrible to go through, now that school is out I'm going through the same thing but in a different environment. This video was absolutely perfect timing, thanks for being amazing.
School, College, Covid and now when preparing for exams, still happening to me. I keep crying daily. I also have severe social anxiety (maybe because I failed to do simple tasks in childhood), and later in teenage I had developed perfectionism (Because I wanted to get better, and if I have any flaws I will feel embarrassed, and almost felt like someone is going to tease/taunt me. If I try to focus on one thing, I lose at 5 others that I was doing good at.) I always felt I'm missing out on my childhood and kept chasing experiences I thought other ppl my age were having. At one point I had such self doubt that I started making things harder for myself, almost unrealistic standards. I am 23 now, and while still pretty young, there's not really much time left to enjoy life as a youth. I just got to know about ADHD this year. I'm super happy yet sad and depressed at the same time.
After leaving school in 1988, my dad told me I had to join the army (this was after I had messed up my exams and he wanted me to follow in his steps and be a police officer). At the time I already knew that I was dyslexic, which was something my dad found very hard to accept and he told me not to mention this to the army, when I was doing interviews. So upon going into basic training, which was back then 19 weeks for British Infantry and Royal Pioneer Corp. Initially things went well and was helped by the regimented regime, where everything had to be done at a certain time. I got past the first 6 weeks and whilst I had certain issues at the back of my mind, I was still doing well enough. Unfortunately, as time went on, I couldn't hide the issues, I had and things started to go down hill. I did my best to hide them and the rest of my section was very good at helping me but by week 15, it was decided to put me back. Unfortunately, things didn't go well in my second section and again, I was going to be put back but by then I knew that the issues I had were getting the better of me, so I decided to leave. For years, I took this as a massive failure on my part. There are plenty of dyslexic people in the army and they get through basic training. But the truth was I was not just fighting dyslexia, I also have ADHD and that really was what held me back (particularly with my memory issues). Unfortunately, it has only been in the last couple of years that I realised I might have ADHD and only in the last couple of months that I have had it confirmed. This confirmation, has had a dramatic effect on me and how I think back on my life and how I see myself. Now days, I can look at myself much more positively than I did and even forgive myself for many of my failures.
I can TOTALLY relate to this I've never been diagnosed but having started looking as thought my dad had something like this and wanted to find out I realised it's most likely what's been affecting me and knocking me down my whole life despite being successful, now and then I'll have some bad luck or something bad happen and I just can't cope with it. I powered through for years but last few years life has fallen apart and of I can't sort it out now I'm gonna lose EVERYTHING! I'm in my mid 40s and feel like a totally failure.. having been so successful to be in position I'm on now and can't get out of as I can't face anything totally overwhelmed it's just RIDICULOUSLY hard! And got no family support they tuned their backs on me when I was SUICIDAL depressed and chronic anxiety 3 or 4 years ago after a run of bad luck and end of a relationship, a number of massive issues hit me on top of that at once within a year and I've not been able to get back on top I'm rock bottom and have no clue how to get myself out if I had family support from the start I feel I wouldn't be here now but they didn't want to know and so having split with my ex 3 and half years ago, I'm finding it REALLY hard! Girl I know who's kids got it said she think I've got it for sure and if I could get on medication given I'm intelligent and was highly successful in past she recons it could be just what I need to turn my life right around again get me out the stuck in concrete, feeling hopeless,and useless every day.. No clue how to go about it though it ain't just depression and anxiety I know that now for sure.. I tick all the boxes for ADHD and another related thing when I took the online tests
I’m writing a book currently after just being lead to one of your videos less than a week ago. This entire experience you’ve described is me, and although I don’t have a formal diagnosis, every one of your videos has clicked for me. Thank you. I always found it difficult to put 8 hours of effort into this book daily, but after realizing timers are my friend, and releasing the goal of submitting in a week was not possible for me without certain tools in play... I take pleasure in writing now after adjusting my expectations whereas I felt like such a failure before.
@@AB-C1 I’m sorry. That’s situation with your family is extremely cruel. What did you end up being successful in? I hope you get diagnosed if it can help!
Great job, as a ADHDer much older than you this process we need to always remind ourselves' of. When I was getting my accounting degree in college, I had to read the chapters at least 4 times to comprehend as well as my fellow students. To this day at 67, I am in a hurry to get something done because either I am behind or want to get ahead. We as ADHDers always put so much pressure on ourselves, because through school, etc, we feel internally inferior to normal brains. But we are gifted, remember that!
I asked a teacher once what I could be doing better and he told me “JUST DO SOMETHING!” That comment literally messed with my brain everyday for the rest of the school year. I still look back on it today though it happened like 5 years ago and still see failure. One day I’ll be able to externalize it but now it feels too close to home as I try to graduate on time and become a successful helping professional.
If it helps that comment is very unfair (said by someone whose job in part involves coaching those who are junior to me) and shouldn’t have been said. If someone is struggling a lot then the most helpful thing can be to pick out reasonable goals that are most likely to have a large output. Also at leas tin my experience of university those comments are probably a lot more about the professor/teacher struggling and having difficulty with a large number of demotivated students than about you specifically. I know my lecturers used to get super annoyed about the fact that most of my classmates really struggled to do the homework, readings and attend lectures. So whilst it’s a sucky comment take solace in the fact that it probably was about a bigger issue than just you. Or the teacher just wasn’t good at coaching.
If college professor said it, see other guys comment, it’s so true, If any other teacher from Highschool or lower said it, ignore them, they shouldn’t be teaching
Hi Brains! I just started Strattera yesterday after 30 years of not taking ADHD meds. I got sooooo much done yesterday!!! I blame your channel for getting me motivated to get back on the meds. Thank you =oD
Meds have helped my entire household. How my two kids (now 11 and 15) and me got ANYWHERE before them....😱 Credit. I give me and my kids credit for how hard we've worked, and I'm proud we kept working to find tools for our goals! I give, and I say YOU should give YOU credit, for the same ... THIRTY YEARS??!?😅😅 That's hard-core surviving, not giving up, and CONGRATULATIONS! May your efforts continue to being you ever more rewards to reap🥰🥰🥰🥰👍👍👍👍 Also... this is also the community that helped me to wrap my head around meds for the kids. It is so very awesome!🥰🥰
@@nleem3361 My kids take an extended, but I'm just on ritalin - the smallest dose 2-3 times a day. I've been thinking about trying an extended. It's rather intimidating, because I HAVE TO function. So risking NOT functioning, when I'm kinda doing well ENOUGH... 🤔 Not sure what to look for or ask Dr. What's your experience with the two, if I may ask? Or, any advice, actually. Thanks!!
Thank you for talking about failure. I've been struggling with this feeling ever since my husband committed suicide, and I've been blaming myself for not trying hard enough. I think I've swung so far in the other direction that my emotions and thoughts are a constant barrage of uncertainty and unpredictability. I can relate to putting so much pressure on yourself to keep things on a timeline that it keeps me from doing anything productive at all.
Feeling like a failure is basically the story of my life. When I physically cannot concentrate or get motivated to get *anything* done (until the last moment), feelings of inadequacy go with the territory. Whatever anyone says to be encouraging (and all too often it comes across as "toxic positivity") I know full well that, until (and "even if") I get properly medicated, I'll only ever be able to get so much done. Sucks! 🌷 😔
Thank you!!! When you said A typical mom it hit me because as a women I I'm constantly saying my mom can do it why can't I. Obviously I didn't get ADHD from my mom but I feel everything you said. Like I tell people I'm an awesome person but I suck at life.
Writing a book?!?! Oh my God, I am so proud of you, and so happy for you!! I have watched your content for a long time, your videos are ALWAYS so honest, informative, and genuine! I'm 41 with ADHD, and my youngest son has ADHD as well. He and I watch your videos together, and doing so has opened the door to many incredible conversations between he and I! Your videos have helped him understand and fine-tune his "superpower," teaching him that he and I do not have a disability, but rather an amazing, unique, and exciting way of seeing and interacting with the world, and the people in our lives. Thank you for everything you do, for putting your beautiful heart and personal thoughts and experiences into your work on this channel! We all sincerely appreciate you!!
I have ADHD, one thing I’ve noticed and you kind of touched on, we have unrealistic and warped perception of success. I just started in sales, I was worried that I was failing because I wasn’t reaching all of my goals. Turns out I’m leading my entire team in almost every category. I was and honestly still am expecting 100% success rate when it’s unrealistic for anybody.
When I was in high school I had a friend who I got in a huge fight with. A lot of the things she was upset about I now recognize as ADHD symptoms. I remember she literally said “you’re wasting your potential” to me and it was so upsetting. Now that I know I have adhd it’s completely changed the way I feel about that situation. It’s honestly such a relief to finally know why I was struggling so much and that it wasn’t my fault.
It prob wants a happy experience, but oddly, that a freind cared that much in there ignorant way to do that, says she actually cared about you. At least from my read of it. People don’t typically go out of there way when not related to have those discussions. You ever explain it to her?
I honestly hadn’t thought about the fact that some of my goals were based on things that I couldn’t control. There’s one particular thing that I could never heal from before and because of your statement, I feel that I can finally heal. Thank you so much ❤️
Thank you for this. As a stay-at-home mom whose house is a mess, whose yard would be considered rather uncared for in a suburban neighborhood, whose cooking repertoire is rather limited, I feel like a failure on a regular basis. For a former “gifted” child, thinking that there are things that I just cannot do is difficult, almost painful. Thank you for providing the perspective that gets left out of all the neurotypical magazines and articles that tell you “this is all you have to do to achieve this particular goal”.
Hearing the story about the scheduling issue was relatable. And I should write to my doctor about getting a diagnosis. Update: I've gotten diagnosed with ADHD and ASD.
Yes! Soooo many other ‘issues’ I was diagnosed with BEFORE being diagnosed with ADHD suddenly made sense! Don’t wait any longer-your life & your brain will thank you!
I'm in same position as you right now tbh.. not sure what to do for the best or how to go about it.. had suggested to me by someone else I should try get diagnosed and get on the medication, as they are sure I have it and I was also thinking that before they said it.. Her 2 young twins have it and both on stimulant Medication and she said she thinks although I've always been successful in the past it might be why I'm suffering so much now depression anxiety been suicidal on n off fell out with family cos they couldn't be bothered.. so it's been impossible to get out of this hole I'm in as can't face ANYTHING and it's more than just anxiety and depression at this point as it's been 3 or 4 years!! Anyhow good luck!
As a fellow ADHD writer, I knew it wasn't heading in a good direction the moment I heard your schedule. A small piece of advice (might not work for you, this is just what I've found gets me writing); plan to scrap your first chapter. Just anticipate that it's going to suck and you'll end up writing something completely different when you start editing. Think of it as something you're writing to get a feel for the book, sort of light a pilot episode of a TV show. Don't waste time trying to get it how you want your finished opening chapter to be, write the book first. I've attempted to write a lot of books (I'm actually still working on most of them) but only finished two, and the first one was awful because I was trying to write a book that didn't fit me or my writing style. (It also took me three years to write.) I'm about 25,000 out of maybe 100,000 words into the book I'm working on right now (started casually working on the book in October), and now that I've got a solid idea on what the story is, I've realized that while yes, the original first chapter sucks, the current chapter two is actually a wonderful place to start the book. Just food for thought
I’m an artist and aspiring illustrator and this applies to me trying to put together my portfolio! Just start and let it flow, not putting too much focus on getting it perfect cos many of the first pieces are going to get scrapped anyway 😂 it’s about letting yourself splash around and get a feel for what your doing. A messy/ imperfect “pilot episode” is a perfect metaphor
I'm writing a novel now, and it takes a long ass time! I am so looking forward to read it when you're done! But when its done, and you aren't putting yourself in harm to do it. You are amazing and you help so much and you def not a failure by any means!
@@HowtoADHD Its going really well now! But for years and years it hasn’t been. I’ve been working on it for 12 years now, and that includes research, and drafting the outlines for all four books of the series. I had multiple plot holes that I had to tend with. Omg, such a nightmare! I’m finally ok with thinking the book is doing ok. I hope to have a draft of the first novel finished by next summer. My main heroine is ADHD too! Also I took a break from writing when my life took a few turns for the worse, had that not had happened I’m sure I’d be done as well. But yeah, it takes a long ass time! Thank you for asking!
It's awesome to hear you're doing well now! And way to go! Getting to a point where you're okay with it can be difficult, great job! Hope it continues to stay relatively smooth for ya! I know there will be bumps, there always are, but may they be smol and easy to dodge or overcome! ALSO AN ADHD HEROINE?! SIGN ME UP! 👀
@@ericpeterson7712 Writing longer texts is just so difficult sometimes. Gotta praise you on keeping on project. I've written maybe dozens or hundreds of disparate things.... Not easy to keep my mind on one project. Creative projects are the best! Writing deadlines are the ""worst"".... stress is just such a nemesis for me....stress and procastination. Happy to see tough that people are hanging on and finishing their projects! (and sometimes, just getting further in a project than i previously ever accomplish is recompense in itself..... realistic expectations and all.) Thanks for sharing. Your experience resonates with me in a positive way. G. (dude TDA/H de QC)
I’m in awe of anyone with ADHD who writes a book. It’s something I’d love to do myself but I just don’t believe I could ever manage it! I’m still testing meds though, maybe when I find the right one my mind could be changed! Inspired by you both 🙌🏻
I have been listening for a while. It's nice to see this ADHD friendly bonus button. Now I don't have to go to another site like procreate to send some kind of financial support. You have helped me accept my ADHD diagnosis and feel more comfortable with all the brick walls and roadblocks. Most importantly teaching how to have more awareness of when I need to ask for help.
AWWWWWWWW thank you so much for such a kind comment! We're so glad that our content has been helpful to you throughout your ADHD journey! And thank YOU so much for sticking with us, watching our content, and supporting what we do. 🧡
Thank you so much for this. I am struggling with my ADHD right now. I was diagnosed when I was 5, bombing grades even tho I was a "gifted" kid. Now, at 25, I had the most aggresive and scary meltdown. I felt like I had no value as a person at all. Watching your videos makes me feel better and it helped me to actually resume theraphy and talk to my doctor. I'm feeling much better now, but it's still a process, right? I thank you and praise you for the support you offer to this community, it's really important.
Hey Saturn, Thank you for opening up. I’m also 25 trying to just thrive in this which is how I ended up here on this video. I am proud of you for resuming your therapy sessions. Showing up is simple. But, showing up to HEAL and CONFRONT your S**** is a 🗣️HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT!
I've struggled with agoraphobia and being housebound for 10 years, I then figured out it was body doubling. I'm a twin and have grown up my whole life with someone by my side , when I was living on my own for the first time I became unable to cope. I know that now, but I still see it as failing at life. I find it so much easier to go outside when I have someone with me basically, else I have massive panic attacks and total break down moments.
I wrote and defended a dissertation before I was diagnosed. It took me four years and a lot of therapy. One of the worst parts about it was that, due to administrative constraints, I kept feeling like I didn't have the space to set realistic goals and, when I finally started developing the confidence and sensibilities to do so, I experienced external pushback. This advice is useful because, if nothing else, developing sense of self and recognizing that maybe it's not you, maybe it's the system, is really helpful to... well, if nothing else, your sanity. I still do some teaching in my field, but I haven't been able to write about it since my dissertation revisions. I still have things I want to say, but at least I found a job where I get to do something meaningful and don't *have* to write to be considered worthy. Maybe someday, with a lot of CBT and some realistic goals...
This is literally one of the best channels out there for this kind of information and support. Genuinely appreciate your hard work and effort into doing these.
I just got diagnosed a couple of months ago at the age of 36. I find it almost impossible to achieve any goals that are at core value for me, because all me resources go towards just getting food, cleaning and exercise done over and over again. It seems hard to actually find hope that this will change some day. It's nice to see, that you found a way. I really hope that the diagnosis and the medicin will give me an opportunity to do something I love during the week and not only chores.
@@slipperybank4110 I really hope so 🙏 I'm gonna start a Spanish course once a week in the autumn and hope that starting medication will make it possible. What what you do, if you felt sure, you could complete it?
I just got diagnosed with ADHD last Saturday! I'm 30 and I am busy collecting the extra health info my psychiatrist needs before prescribing stimulants! Thank you so much for educating me, and reducing stigma. You helped me get to this point, so thank you!!!!
Congrats! I am 25 and also just got diagnosed. Being an adult with ADHD is really hard so it’s nice to hear other people my age getting on the bandwagon later.
Jessica, just discovered you a week ago. I am almost 42 and got officially diagnosed recently. I am an intervention specialist and always knew I had it, but didn’t realize until recently how much it has affected ALL areas of my life including my marriage. Just wanted to let you know you are amazing! That is all lol
I have been trying to get better at drawing and I feel like I’ve been failing at improving. I see art online and I feel awful for not being able to reach it. Turns out, the art I’ve been looking at have been from industry professionals who have been working for major companies for years. That made me realize I’ve been setting my goals too high
UA-cam has some AWESOME tutorials for drawing when you get stuck. There’s always something new to learn & sometimes it just takes hearing it said the right way for something to ‘click’.
YESSSSS. EXACTLY. We all have to start somewhere... but we so often are surrounded by these masters of their crafts that sometimes I think we forget that... 1. that's not the starting level of talent, that's a master at work and 2. the master had to start somewhere as well. They weren't just a master overnight. (Prodigies aside, but even prodigies have to start somewhere as well)
I am also an artist and trying to get better at it, it's so hard!! I think part of it is that the progress is so gradual that we often can't really see it... but if you compare what you draw now with drawings from a couple years ago I'm sure you'll see improvements! Don't give up 😊
I feel this so much! 💜 Especially the part of "why is this so much harder for me than everyone else. They aren't failing". I understand everyone does fail. Hearing, how much are YOU trying to do at once, made me start crying a bit. I think we know it's a lot. I believe it's a combo of wanting to do all the things and also trying to prove to ourselves and everyone else we aren't that giant screw up we have always been told. Having grace with ourselves is pretty hard. If I start beating myself up I try to remember that I would NEVER let anyone talk to my friend the way I talk to myself sometimes or even other people speaking to me. Then give myself a reminder that I am not here to prove myself to anyone else. The people who truly love me, love me for my brain as is. It doesn't go that smoothly of course. There's a lot of ugly crying and saying to myself, "don't tell me how to live me life, me!" 😆
I'm nearly 40. For years, I struggled with tasks that seemed simple to others-organisation, timekeeping, sticking to long-term commitments. It felt like I was constantly swimming against the tide, often being labelled as creative but lacking focus, or 'needs to try harder, apply himself more'. Even now, I'm in trouble at work for missing some deadlines and overpromising deliverables. This constant struggle has spilt over into personal battles, making me contemplate the worth of my own life at times. However, a recent preliminary diagnosis of ADHD has cast my past struggles in a new light, offering a semblance of understanding and relief I've longed for. It's strange to say, but even the prospect of facing significant life changes, like losing my job, seems less daunting now. There's a newfound excitement for the future, a curiosity for what lies ahead, despite the uncertainties. I'm sharing this here because I believe in the power of our stories to connect, heal, and inspire. If you've ever felt out of place, struggled to keep up, or are on a journey of self-discovery yourself, know that you're not alone.
I get that a lot with 'everyone is a little autistic'. No they don't. One of the symptoms of dementia is memory loss. Just forgetting where you put your keys doesn't make you have dementia. There's requierments for a diagnosis. Same thing with autism and adhd. Not everyone meets the DSM listing, so not everyone has ADHD. Hanging your clothes by colour or being busy during boring classes means exactly nothing. It's not just sorting clothes or being busy. There's more. Would be nice, then my room and life would be super tidy, without social issues except being called out every now and then for speaking too much during meetings.
If you meant when people point out so many get a diagnosis, yes, duh. 200 years ago there were no social media or busy city centres or high expectations. Not near as many stimulations as now. 200 years ago I could become a farmer or a sheepherd and nobody would mind me being not focusing on my office work or being less social. I might be considered weird, but it were solved with that. (On top of ADHD not being a diagnosis until the 1980s, well makes sense that nobody had ADHD when you were in elementary school, Karen.)
I looked into an ADHD diagnosis when I finished Uni and suddenly every basic task became an uphill struggle. I missed the obvious signs because I never stopped long enough to notice. There was always something. School, my dad's declining health, facing homelessness, uni etc. Then smack. It was like hitting a wall. With my dyspraxia and ADHD, I battle with physical and mental fatigue. It is so easy to unfairly compare myself to others. But I'm learning. I'm learning about my conditions, I'm learning not to overtax myself. I can achieve my goals, it just takes longer. My Fiancé has ADHD and autism, and I encouraged him to start educating himself on his conditions. This channel has taught us so much, and improved our quality of life. Thank you for your honesty. Every time one of your videos reassures me I'm going to okay I start to cry. Thank you for everything!
I am sitting on the couch tired and overwhelmed but I haven't done much.... And felt like a failure for sure. Maybe I just need to really figure out what I want the most and focus on that one or two thing. I think I needed that too. Thank you ❤️
Perfect timing as I sit here thinking I'm failing on my goals for this year. I definitely do need to re-evaluate and adjust what I'm trying to do. My problem is my interests are constantly shifting, so it's hard to make progress on a project and I end up trying to take on too many at once. I definitely need to figure out how to prioritize the projects I want to work on AND then not get distracted when a new, shiny project idea comes along.
thanks for this. "diligence," "discipline," "routine," "if i can stick to," etc. all panic-inducing words for me. very comforting to hear i'm not alone
Ugh. Almost every time I watch one of your videos it gets me crying. I just relate so hard to everything you say and you always find a way to make everything so positive. Thank you.
Oh man. I only recently was officially diagnosed with inattentive adhd, despite it being something that I’ve struggled with forever. And there has been so many times that I’ve set up these super strict, unrealistically ambitious goals and routines and ‘structures’ only to fall off, feel absolutely terrible about myself, and then get put in an almost paralyzed state of not being able to do anything because I feel like I can’t succeed with anything I try. Currently, I started taking classes again and over ambitiously signed up for 2, very content heavy introductory courses. Within week 1 I got so overwhelmed and discouraged and that feeling of failure snuck in. With my therapist and partners support, I dropped one of the courses and set up a realistic, achievable study structure for the remaining one. If I can succeed through this course, then I’ll know how to better approach a more full course schedule next semester. So grateful for your content, it always makes me feel heard, understood and supported. 💜
I didn't know I had ADHD until 44 years old. The more I learn about it, the more my life comes into focus. When I was 10, I came up with an *extremely* ambitious plan for entering a science fair. I procrastinated and never got it even started because I was so overwhelmed. Around the same time I was just BAWLING when looking at math homework with 5x7 grid of repetitive math problems. Your channel has helped me a lot, and I could really identify with this video. Thanks for what you do. I'm going to check out copilot too, this looks like something I could use! Oh, and I got SO SICK of hearing "He's so smart, he has a lot of potential, but..."
Thank you. I really needed to hear this today. I made a minor mistake at work today and I felt terrible, I felt like a failure. I felt this way because I want to grow with company, but I have to remind myself I've been with them for less than a year.
I needed this today. As someone who is gifted, I have only ever been valued by the grades I get in school, and as a people pleaser, what I do for others. I try to be kinder to myself, but it's hard when others always expected the very best from me. Now as an adult, if I don't get a high grade on my assignments, I feel like a failure. If I don't let others treat me however they like without complaining, I'm a bad person according to them. I don't know how to expect less of myself, when most people demand that I behave like a robot. I just want to be treated the same way I treat others. I'm told to be kinder to myself, but no one tells me how? Thank you for creating this safe space for us who have ADHD
I kinda got two perspectives of the failing topic. One of them sticks back to school or child days in general, as even if I accomplished a task successfully it was either not in appropriate quality or in given time. Equals fail. Even if it was correct or functioning and the underlying goal was reached it was labled as a fail. The other perspective is how I'm functioning right now as I have to set unrealistic goals to set a certain level of pressure as without nothing will be accomplished as i tested a couple of times in a while. So by setting very tight or high goals or expectations for myself I will fail them for sure but by failing I will succeed at what should had to be done. Allright everyone's happy now except me cause even if I know it's good and okay and I can be proud of what I've achieved it's still a fail cause goals were not reached. And on top of that, there comes the german perfectionist culture throwing things in my way like "100% is barely good enough, we thought you would give 110%" as if that would even be possible in somehow.
I've been let go from every job I had because I couldn't keep up with deadlines. As much as I appreciate this video, I don't see how I can't think of myself as a failure when this is my reality. Thanks though.
I relate so much to this pattern of setting stupidly unrealistic goals and feeling like complete shite when I inevitably fail at them and then also trying to do soooooo many things at 1 time and not even registering that that was a problem. I still fall into that pattern sometimes but it doesn't get nearly as bad and I don't beat myself up nearly as much. I don't know if things would have gotten any better without my diagnosis of adhd, which I don't think I'd have gotten if not for this channel, so thank yous 💜🖤💜🖤
I was almost in tears at how quickly this turned my mood around. Not diagnosed, but everything on your channel resonates with me. I've been hating on myself all week for procrastinating on a task that I don't find interesting. The thought of trying to do it after work is just too many spoons. This video reminded me that It's okay to automate the boring stuff and move on to the bits that actually interest me.
“Alexa, add to rewatch playlist” Man I’m so glad I found this youtube channel. You’re really changing lives with the information and advice you share, along with your story. 🙌🏾
I like how one of the most important things came right at the end almost like an afterthought. "...Their markers for success might be different than ours." That's one of the BIGGEST issues - that THEY decide if you are a failure based on THEIR opinions/criteria. It leads me to say "If THEY want me to do it, THEY have to give me the motivation to WANT TO do it." Which, inevitably, they feel like they owe you NOTHING, and yet still expect you to want to do it just because THEY consider it important. I end up attaching a motivational issue to whatever someone else wants me to do, and until my BASIC NEEDS have been met I won't do it. Then THEY complain when I don't immediately do the thing, and try to punish me (continually badger me) until I meet THEIR needs. Why do THEIR needs come first? And why does it lead to a falling out if I put MY needs first? This applies even if I want to do a thing, but they make it a priority while I don't feel like it is. Then, if they meet my needs/requirements, I will do it, and not before! I want to be PAID for my labours, not AFTER my labours... if they decide to... which they have a habit of NOT reciprocating my efforts on THEIR behalf. I just don't want to feel like a servant, hoping for a pat on the head for doing a good job, but never getting even that. THEY want it done, so I want paying IN ADVANCE for my time and efforts, then I'll be way more inclined to make THEIR wants a priority. 🤔😣
So I really connected with this video. I just received my combined type ADHD diagnosis in January at the age of 49. I've been working on figuring out goals for myself - not just the goal, but also trying to figure out what I need to succeed at my goals by learning what it is my brain needs to be successful. I'll tell yah, after 49 years of believing I'm a failure and a let down, I am overwhelmed with fear and usually never even start things. When I am able to start something, 9 out of 10 times I'm not finishing because my perfectionism takes over and says what I'm doing isn't good enough. It's a vicious cycle that I am having so much trouble working my out of. So, thank you for making stop and remember to check in with myself and my fear to see where things are bubbling up so I can talk with my therapist about these fears and work on a plan to overcome them. 💚
_oh my brain_ I kid you not, this video title is 💯 me this week and I had no idea what to do about that 😭 Excited to hear storytime!! (and a gentle reminder to my brain that it's not Jess's job to fix my life or define my sense of purpose and success)
The biggest detriment to my goals was always myself setting unrealistic expectations of what needs done. I still have a problem over scheduling to-dos, but have learned over the last year to give myself grace. Sorting by priority to get done versus those that can wait always helps too! :)
@@HowtoADHD the reminder that we need to make sure what we're trying to do all at once is reasonable made me stop and realize I'm actually doing well. Maybe I should make a sign to hang above my computer 😅
@@OakleafRanger09 It's so much easier to remember what we haven't done than what we have. I know I'm regularly surprised to realize that I've actually done a fair number of things, because it often really doesn't feel that way. Best of luck on keeping your own accomplishments in mind, and remember that other people notice the work you do even when you don't.
This is so timely. I am so frustrated right now because I realize part of why I'm 'behind' where I want to be in life is because as a child I was not given the support I need and I was punished for not meeting expectations ("failing"). Which made me think the problem was ME, not the difficulties I was having. This feeling obviously followed me into adulthood. So this is really important advice that I need to remind myself of, thank you for the video!
This is one of your BEST videos. Thank you! We all needed to hear this. We all needed to be reminded of this. I definitely needed it today. I was practically falling apart as I came up short of a goal and it was crunch time to deliver a meetup talk. I had to let go of my unrealistic expectations, and do something less polished that wasn't letting anyone down except my past self. I didn't feel positive afterwards, but at least I didn't feel bad at all. I hope this will become a chapter in your book because it's one of the most valuable things you've put together. Thank you.
We just found your channel and we love the way you think! We both have grown up with ADHD and have dealt with the constant feeling of failure and falling short. We started our channel as a way of embracing our ADHD as a positive thing in our life and not a negative. We were never comfortable with living in one place and working a 9-5. But the world makes you feel like your wrong for wanting constant change. So we saved for 3 years working 24/7 and now we travel the world 😊 We now love our life and never feel bored. So instead of settling for what everyone else said we should be happy, we found what makes us happy in our life. We hope everyone else finds that same happiness in life no matter what you feel you're failing at. Your failures might actually be your biggest success ❤️🍻🌎
This is coming at the perfect moment, as my thesis is due in a few weeks and I'm constantly missing the deadlines I set myself. It's good to be reminded that I'm propably setting the bar to high regarding how much I can get done in a day. Another important aspect I'm struggling to keep in mind is that not everything has to be perfect. Often, it's much more fulfilling to get it done and move on. I will be trying to remind myself of that!
I have been going to my therapist for a year and recently was diagnosed with ADHD at 31 and was scared of what would come next, your videos have given me so much comfort, I am really scared but it’s nice to know that there is someone that gets it, and a community that understands, thank you so much for doing what you do ❤️
Thank you so much for this. I've been job hunting since February and it's felt like a never ending "Im a Failure" marathon I never asked for. From feeling like I haven't applied to enough jobs, to feeling like my skills are useless, to feeling like there must be something wrong with _me_ because I never make it past the first interview, its just a parade of hurt ft. special guest- my RSD. At this point, I just try to take it a day at a time and remind myself that even NTs find job hunting to be difficult + the market sucks rn. If I keep doing my best, eventually (statistically) something will come up, I can't be unemployed forever. Put one foot in front of the other (tho ofc if I'd written this 3 days ago I'd be saying I'll never get a job lol love this roller coaster pls get me off of it)
I don't know if it is pure algorithm or divine intervention BUT this video came to me at the PERFECT time! I have been struggling with law school, work, household chores, physical activity and weight loss to the point of just wanting to give up. Then, this video gave me some grace.
Thank you so much for reminding me of our ability to set unrealistic goals for ourselves. I was falling victim to my self criticism after setting impossible goals then falling short. Thank you again for all you do. :)
Thank you for talking through all of this. I’m working through something related with my therapist now - the feeling that there are things I “should” be able to do by some imaginary metric but which I just don’t get done. Part of me wants to just say “My brain doesn’t work like that, give up” and another part is berating the first part for not trying hard enough, where the real solution would be to set up more realistic goals and supports to make them possible.
Hi last night I had a moment of clarity! I've recently started meds and therapy and got diagnosed because of your channel. Looking back last night I had to give myself a pat on my back about all the things I've accomplished before starting meds and therapy. Thanks to you I've have been able to accept my short comings as not being treated and acknowledge what I've achieved
Just got diagnosed officially the other day, and just got fired today on account of my own avoidance. Feeling very much like a failure and wondering if I'll ever have things more under control.
Even as a 15 year old I constantly wonder why Im unable to achieve the things I want/ need to do. Im so glad I found this video and this channel. Very helpful and encouraging info. Thank you!
I'm blown away by your videos. I think I don't have ADHD, but know I have sensory processing sensitivity - and I relate sooooo much to so many thing you talk about. 😲 I'm just... I'm so grateful to you. I never came across a channel for highly sensitive people that would be SO hands on and helpful like yours is for ADHD (and as turns out, apparently HSP too). 🙏
You’re awesome for writing a book - it’s really a massive undertaking and hard for EVERYONE (I’ve never written one but I have done a decent bit of writing) I find with any creative endeavor it takes at least 3x as long as you expect, and it’s not always an ADHD thing, it’s just a creativity thing (as in that is how the creative process works). That said, I love your insights, and I really need them, and I share them regularly with my therapist to discuss. I cannot wait to read your book, you do such good work and you are a gift.
My girlfriend and her son are both ADHD. We Didn’t so much split up as much as she moved them somewhere else because I didn’t understand them. I would get so frustrated and felt like they didn’t understand me. You popped up on my list today like a sign to save my family. After only a few videos, I subscribed because I want to understand them better and bring them home. Thank you for these videos. Your not just helping people understand their situation, but your helping the ones around them who care enough to watch and research because they didn’t understand the ones who frustrated them. Thanks again.
Goal setting is so hard and stressful. Last August I started my MBA. Made it my goal to finish it in the accelerated timeline of 1 year to be done before I turn 30 this fall. Working a full-time job AND taking 2 classes every 7 weeks (with some breaks between sessions) has been the most stressful and mentally draining thing I have done. I basically built up more anxiety which came with an onset of depression. I was really wanting to push back these last two classes because I was so overwhelmed looking at the workload. The only reason I've stuck through it is that I have been successful through them so far, I'm actually interested in being an engineer with a business background, and it's costing me out of pocket because my company won't cover all the costs. Having started ADHD medication has also seemed to help tremendously to get my work done. Anyway, I'm in my last two classes right now and 5 weeks away from finishing! I'm already excited about finishing up such an accomplishment because I feel like I have not been able to set goals and stick to them in a long time.
i have been avoiding this video since it came out and made few attempt at watching but after hearing the first few words: let's talk about... i just cannot. wow i didn't realise how hard this topic was for me, i still really want to watch it, just maybe not feeling like crying and being called out just yet (in a positive sense ofc!) i always love watching your videos, crying on every other one and they really help me, so thank you Jessica
I remember in secondary school I once asked one of my friends how she managed to get all her homework done (I always was short on time and luckily handing in regular homework wasn't part of our grade but showing it could have an impact on if you could resit exams). Her answer was: I just concentrate. She didn't bat an eye as if it was the most normal thing in the world. Maybe for her it is. I was like: I can't do that. Outside of having ADD I was basically always overstimulated but didn't realize that's why I was so tired and had chronic head aches and migraines until I had a long enough break to recover when I was 19, nearly 20. It had been a part of my life since age 9. She could not only 'just concentrate' on things, she also wasn't ever really overstimulated. I genuinely didn't realize fully until then that that was an actual way people lived. I never have and never will. Hyperfocus isn't regular concentration either and I can't easily juggle different parts of my life because of it. Either I am hyperfocused on something and can't think about other things or be productive in other ways or I have trouble focusing on anything. Something I still need to come to terms with.
@Tobias John I already did that several years back, hence I'm vegan and I've always had a variety of fruits and veggies in my diet. I always liked most of them in one way or another. Dairy and some artificial sweeteners trigger migraines for me as does sleep deprivation and prolonged impulse overload. Going plant based/vegan also fits my ethics better so no more stress on that front plus it helps quite a bit with other health problems including hormonal problems (that still needed medical intervention but I managed to delay that for 6 years or so by changing my diet). Just one tip for a next time: don't assume people haven't explored their food intake if they don't mention it. Just ask first if someone has thought about it before.
@Tobias John I also have ASD so some things just can't be changed past a certain degree. I'll always be sensitive to stimuli, some more than others since I also have mysophonia for certain sounds, or something that a whole lot like it.
Soooo true. I perpetually set my own expectations at inhuman levels and then destroy myself at any stage of progress. This rarely gets talked about. You are seriously one of THE BEST channels on UA-cam. Ever. Thank. You. So. Much.
I think this is my favourite video of this series. For a funny reason: despite you always being honest about your struggles, I've always viewed you as a "success story" and someone who is on top of their ADHD even if they have to fight it every day. I'm here treating my good days as "days when the medication is working correctly and I am brilliant" and every other day as being something preventing my meds from unlocking my potential, rather than accepting that those "good days" are actually "great days" and the mediocre ones are still really good. Watching this video on a day where I feel like I've slept poorly, where I have complicated work to do and feel like I should've done it already, feel overwhelmed by my work, feel intimidated by the way my boss and co-workers appear to be able to glide through their jobs, has really helped me, and not just because what you say in the video makes a lot of sense. It's also because it's you saying it! It is so hard to have realistic expectations and comparisons.
"hello brains, let's talk about failure"... Finally, a subject I'm an expert in! 😂😭🤣 Oh also, I've had Anthony Padilla's interview with you and other adhders on my watch later list for quite some time, and got around to it yesterday evening. (actually, had to study, so... Yeah, you get it) My god, that dude is an amazing interviewer. So, I also ended up watching some more in his mental health series. The ones about Schizophrenia and DID blew me away!
I’m writing my fourteenth book and am in the same situation. I’m in revisions and deadlines are a double-edged sword: I can’t do anything without them because the work is hard and unrewarding and there’s no novelty or interest left to stimulate my brain, but it’s devastating when I can’t meet my deadlines and I feel like I’ve failed (AGAIN). I try not to compare myself to people who have different brains and who write more and faster, but it’s hard. Learning to make my goals fit me and not what works for others is a long process.
Thank you for this. I'm a writer, and you were aiming too high also always remember that writing is rewriting. For writing, I generally have a good comfort zone. Other tasks not so much, I set the bar at what I could do a few years ago before COVID and I have long COVID which means the bar should be even lower for some tasks. A few times in the last week I set the bar far too high then I beat myself up because I had failed. Thanks to this video I am going to reassess my goals.
Setting unachievable goals is something I struggle with. I keep feeling overwhelmed, procrastinating, behind, but really I attempt to do way too much in a day and I’m disappointed when I fail
Another approach I've found helpful is to change how you are measuring your progress. A lot of times measurements (like # of words written or chapters read) don't compute well in ADHD brains. I found measuring it by time spent working or something unrelated to a quantitative measure (ex communicating your point well regardless of # of words) to help me stay on track without getting as discouraged. I can feel good about spending an hour working on something despite the fact that I didn't hit an arbitrary number goal!
I'm starting to parent myself. All the time I'm like "try your best love, if it doesn't workout like you want to, we will figure out together. It's okay, I love you no matter what." It's extremely crazy because it seems I'm talking to someone else but I think I really am, I'm talking to the version of me that is hurt and feel so much pain, I'm talking to the version of me that is so afraid of being alive, I'm talking to my inner child!
Thank you so much for this video! I’m in art school right now for game art, so I do a combination of lots of mouse work and digital drawing. About six months ago I was overworking myself so much due to unattainable goals that I developed a wrist injury. It was a wakeup call to see my body literally wasn’t capable of what my brain asked it to do. So for my fellow highly functioning ADHD brains, just know that if you go too far, your body will stop you. I’m still dealing with my injury now, it’s slowly getting better, but it’s hard to have to constantly worry about
I worked as a Game Designer at Activision for nearly a decade, EA for several years, and a number of small satellite studios or indies here and there. At my last studio (a job I was invited to by a Producer and Art Director I'd known at Activision who'd also just landed there), I was one of only three designers and the only one with any actual industry experience. Because I was the only designer with experience and the studio owner was impressed with how quickly I picked up their proprietary tools and the quality of what I was making with them, he kept asking me to "help out" with other projects as well. Already working way too many hours to finish what a neurotypical designer might've been able to do faster (and also bc I kept experimenting with the tools and assets and adding things that kept my brain engaged when the work got boring), I ended up saying "yes" to every request from the owner until I eventually found myself working on six games at once, four of them where I was the only designer (there were also a few side projects/prototypes in addition to those six, but they came and went fairly quickly as studio priorities shifted). Deciding I would obviously be a failure if I couldn't pull this off, I kept working more and more hours until I found myself working 7 days a week, most of it at the studio, some of it at home, with no breaks other than to get food, coffee, and energy drinks. Not only that, because there weren't enough hours in the day to be doing that much work, I got to a point where I was working 24 hours a day for 3 days straight (three days, I learned, is when my body finally hits a brick wall of exhaustion where I can't function anymore), would sleep for 3 or 4 hours (the most "down time" I felt I could afford), then wake up and work another 3 days straight with no sleep. This 3-days-at-a-time/7 days a week schedule went on for a little over two years. Ultimately, I ended up in the emergency room twice, lost my long-term relationship, and sank into crippling anxiety and deep depression. Sadly enough, that wasn't my wake up call that I was pushing myself too far. I still felt like *I* was somehow failing, just wasn't good enough to be a designer, people would find out I was a sham, etc. It wasn't until one of our programmers died of a heart attack mid-production that I finally stopped and went, "This is stupid. What am I doing?" and left the studio. This was all when I was undiagnosed and unmedicated so, you can imagine how much I was beating myself up for not being able to do what is, let's be real, impossible for anyone. Now that I actually understand what's been happening in my brain my whole life, it's so clear but, at the time... not so much. Glad to see you're internalizing that lesson early. Sucks that it took an injury to get there but knowing where your limits are and drawing that line when you need to will serve you well. And, y'know, find yourself a studio that won't take advantage. There are good ones and bad ones out there, for sure. Good luck!
@@johnplaysgames3120 I’m so proud of you. Overwork is bad but the blame doesn’t lie solely on you. You were trying to hard to be accepted in quite frankly what sounds like abusive situations in the game industry.Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope you haven’t lost the passion for games! They were lucky to have you.
Your timing on this video couldn’t have come at a better time for me. My major project at work has been plagued with problems and we’re rapidly approaching our release deadline. I’ve been so overwhelmed and feeling like a total failure and my imposter syndrome has been off the charts. This video helped me remember perspective and step back from the panic. Thanks!
Sometimes if you fail at something a lot it’s because it’s something you’re not supposed to be doing in the first place. People try to fit a niche they aren’t designed for a lot of the time. So maybe it’s better to find what niche you do fit in instead. That’s my take on it
I was given a parent coach through my outpatient (which I was super stoked about!)... she's a total whole body, self-care, wellness package of amazingness... who's always telling me I need to give myself grace b/c I'm super hard on myself...I try to keep in mind that sometimes I have to lower my own expectations of myself because a lot of times they're not achievable... By the way Jessica you totally Rock and I cannot wait to read the book!
This really helped me calm down, I’m in art school and I’ve always been pressured to not fail. I almost got kicked out last year and was given a second chance. Art school always has me stressed and I’m always missing deadlines, I don’t have the best grades either. I actually had gotten my grades up last semester. But these grades are what decide if I stay or don’t. In 3 days I’ll know, and this helped me realize I might actually not like it, or it’s not for me. Maybe I’d do better doing it my own way, I was diagnosed with adhd last year and still some people don’t take it seriously. Thank you so much.
My adhd has been progressing and I've noticed it now. I'm nearly 18 (been diagnosed since I was 5, and have been working for almost 4 years) and my co-workers critique me on my speed and lack of focus. I'm trying so hard but I feel like such a failure. I shouldn't be like this, I'm working so hard but I never do enough. I'm so tired of trying to keep up, but I can't fall behind. Sorry for venting, but getting this out feels good.
The timing of this video couldn’t have been more perfect. I started a TEFL course in January so I could start teaching English online from home. I did really well for weeks and then when the first assignment came along I just froze and couldn’t do anything anymore. Now it’s due in 3 weeks and I still haven’t found a way past it. But they were nice enough to give me back my time when I talked to them 😭 Now I just need to figure out how to get past this constant mental barrier… it’s exhausting.
In small doses! It was one of Jessica’s videos that taught me to put in my ADHD Tool Box the tip of “start small, do it badly”-in your case, write SOMETHING and don’t worry about typos or errors at first since just getting CONTENT ‘started’ is the key. You can go back and edit later. (The editing could be your next small thing ya do!)
@@figure15skater I don’t think it’s the amount of things that need to be done. That’s completely fine. I was able to space everything out before just fine. But things that I need to plan out and put together to be judged on scare the hell out of me and my mind just goes blank and then I can’t do ANYTHING. Despite looking forward to actually teaching and really enjoying the content. It’s so much fun! I barely got used to the quizzes they put in between, but actually having to sit there and plan something out from start to finish with as much detail as possible? Apparently that’s where my brain draws the line because as soon as I look at it, I have no idea what I’m doing.
does it have to be about a specific topic? If yes I'd split it in small parts and look up info on these parts and then use that to write something. Don't worry, language is a skill, you'll get better over time (although I feel like maybe it's not an issue with English itself, am I right about that?)
@@ammalyrical5646 Oh I’m completely fine on the language part. But right now I can’t even look at this stupid lesson plan template without having an anxiety attack. I feel like I’m right back in school 🤦🏻♀️ And yes, the assignment always depends on the topic of the unit. It starts with vocabulary and I don’t know what the other ones are. But I think there’s like 6 or 7 of them because I just HAD to take the huge course…
Thank you. Today, I was just thinking that everything that my neurotypical peers do is perfect and of high quality and anything I do is just barely good enough to pass, but yesterday, my teacher (quite difficult to impress) read my argumentative essay and said " Very good! You should take part in debates!" I was really happy. I know now I'm worth it, that the things I do are good
"My neurotypical friend never fails at anything!" said every ADHDer ever.
Right? When in reality they actually do... but it can often feel like they don't!
For me, it's my neurotypical sister.
Right!! So real!!.. 😭😭
😄😥
For me, It's my "I know 5 people who also have ADHD and they always seem to succeed at most things they do, and can do most things all at once, and two of them are successful enough to just travel whenever and buy a house in an insane market and not even sweat."
....And that goes up against my "I can't even finish something, other than a few video games, after 33 years alive." :(
Thank you. I really needed this today. Former gifted kid diagnosed last year at 52. I’ve been struggling for so long and feeling like I’ve fallen short almost all of the time. Thank you for your encouragement, information and sharing your story.
You're welcome 🧡 And thank YOU for watching, listening, and taking the time to comment! We hope the video is helpful!
I am also 52 and diagnosed in the last few years - was a really gifted child who flunked the last few years of school where clearly ADHD overwhelmed me.
But I left school at 16, and I have slowly built my life in little steps, including completing a Masters degree in 2017, and finding a new role at 52 as a senior manager. It can be done, and I find I am super relaxed now having come to terms with the diagnosis, but also super critical and understanding of who I am, and ensuring my team compliment me - and boy do we deliver as a unit. ADHD is a hinderance, but you can become something else.
Same here, just 50. I was "diagnosed" long ago, but it was informal and I never got any help. I was told "Self medicate with caffeine". I didn't REALLY start understanding it until my little girl was diagnosed, and I dove in deep to help her. SO MUCH TO LEARN!! For me, you, and others, also so very very much to UNLEARN 😓
But, we've got support now. And help. And an understanding that we are NOT FAILURES - WE WERE FAILED, by the system, society, and often the very people who loved us but didn't understand to NOT judge us!
Long long line of adhd/asd/all sorts of other stuff for me. Even those who understood exactly what I was going through, couldn't actually support me, because they were so damaged from their own crud.
So, we get to END IT. Or at least, get the momentum going to where it - the judging, the narrow view of "success", the guilt tripping, ALL - WILL END.
We get to DO IT. And the kids get to LIVE IT.
And as a bonus, we get to have life in front of us we may have even given up on.
My options are so much more limited now, because there's just no changing "50". But my options of WHO I shall be... those are wide open. And I have better tools for building myself.
... As do you. You and every adult late diagnosed or aided. It's difficult for me not to be bitter, but I try to keep this in mind.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!🥳🥳
(Almost feels like the day of diagnosis for some could be a "new start new me" day to celebrate 😅)
Agapé 303
Wow, I feel like we are kindred spirits - we have the same story (except I was 48). Know that you are not alone. I see you. ♥
You’re still gifted.✌🏼
I’ve learned that every time I make a plan involving, “as long as I can keep up this uncharacteristically high output, I’ll be fine,” I’m not fine. Oh wait, I haven’t learned it and keep doing it. Thanks for this video, it was very insightful!
Relatable!! 🤣
Hahaha! Love this. So relatable.
hyper-focus day: *does a week's worth of work in 4 hours* this is all so easy, why does it take my neurotypical coworkers so long?
unfocused days: I will bounce back and forth between these easy tasks stressing about each of them. I won't actually make progress on them, but I won't give myself permissions to relax either. No reschedule, only self-loathing!
Same!!😂😭
@@null_moniker How do you survive this
"Nail jello to the wall" is how I feel whenever I try to do something that truly does not interest me, but I've never been able to vocalize why until now
"Why?" and "Says who?" are the two most important questions that helped me reduce that feeling of failure. Finding out which standards for success I'm considering and where they come from really puts things into perspective.
Very few things will keep producing that feeling after 5 consecutive "why"s
I've found that my ability to question things is tied to my financial status.
This is a really helpful comment but from a personal perspective it can be much harder to do when your reality is telling you that you don't deserve even basic necessities.
At the age of 28 I still only go out to a restaurant for dinner when my mum pays for it.
Every time I visit the doctor the receptionists give me a hard time for not paying.
Every time I try to work on my business and succeed, it is still a failure because I'm still poor (no matter how far I have actually come)
@@Holphana I feel this so much! I'm an artist, so life hasn't been financially friendly for me, specially being ND. I feel like a productive failure, like I can't be an adult. I can't wake up early and work 8 hours, nor eat (I forget), just basic stuff everyone does. Maybe my ADHD Is more severe than I thought, meds help a bit (But I can't keep buying them) It's like life goes so fast, and I can't adapt to it
"5 Why's" is a very powerful problem solving concept :)
"Says who?" really speaks to me. So many of the high expectations I'm constantly trying to meet are purely self-inflicted.
That sounds really helpful, will try it!
The hardest thing is when you have an extended period of hyper focus where you’re consistent and productive that’s interrupted by a tragedy. I was doing super well after an extended period of being lost, working out regularly and attending engineering school until I lost my mom last fall. It took everything in me to keep doing well in school so I ended up falling off on my fitness and haven’t been able to pick it back up since. I lost all the progress I worked so hard for and despite maintaining an A average I still feel like a failure… I know it’s unreasonable but that’s how I feel and it’s really hard sometimes.
Sending you love and condolences on the loss of your mother, and many hopes that your recovery through grief may see you function well again one fine day. 💗🙏🏻✨
Losing your mom is hard and it takes time. I’m sure she would be proud of you for doing so well in school. Be kind to yourself. You’re doing great.
i hear you. I divorced and had to sell the house during lock down. I felt like I could never get break. I would sort one thing out and loads of other things would take my attention away.l
@@catrandle9439 That's rough to go through during lockdown. So many tasks and responsibilities pile up when you're dealing with stressful depressing things while having ADHD. ADHD brains are already starved for serotonin and dopamine, so adding stress and depression makes it so much worse. I highly recommend supplementing 5-HTP periodically (I use it a 2-3 times a week before bed) to keep your serotonin levels up. L-theanine is also very helpful.
I lost my mom too when I was 16. Knowing I have ADHD and my struggles with it just got hightened when she died. Because she was my support, someone I could turn to for help and love and comfort. Without her? Well it’s much harder. But not impossible. We can do this. I know we can. Stay strong. We have to. We fight more than a lot of people around us may think.
"Work harder!"is what I always told myself. The fear stimulates, so even success can feel more like avoiding pain than joyful. I also fall down the rabbit hole of trying to categorize which failures are ADHD, which are due to my personality, which are due to inexperience or taking on too much, and which are just human error. It's fruitless though. Like trying to trace the exact cause of a butterfly pivoting in the sky. And it doesn't matter.
I think I started doing this to reassure myself that everyone makes mistakes and has challenges. However, it is more constructive not to care or compare and to continue to find more strategies that work for me ...other than "work harder".
I am glad you posted this!
Wowk hawdew!"is what I awways towd mysewf. the *runs away* feaw stimuwates, so even OwO success c-can feew mowe wike *screams* avoiding pain than joyfuw. I awso faww d-d-down the x3 wabbit (・`ω´・) howe of t-twying t-to c-categowize which faiwuwes awe ADHD, which awe due t-to my pewsonyawity, which awe due t-to inyexpewience ^-^ ow (・`ω´・) taking on too *twerks* much, and which awe just *whispers to self* human ewwow. It's fwuitwess though. Wike t-twying t-to twace the x3 exact (・`ω´・) cause of a buttewfwy *screeches* pivoting in the x3 sky. And i-it d-doesn't mattew. I think I stawted d-d-doing this t-to weassuwe mysewf that evewyonye m-makes mistakes and has chawwenges. Howevew, i-it is mowe constwuctive nyot t-to cawe ow (・`ω´・) c-compawe and t-to continyue *screeches* t-to find mowe stwategies that wowk (・`ω´・) fow me ...othew than "wowk hawdew". *blushes* I am gwad ^w^ you posted this!!11
Yes! 🙌
Or when you do succeed, you don’t actually believe it and think people are just saying u did well to make u feel better, which hurts more than just failing.
After a recent severe burnout, I try to remember that telling myself "Work harder!" in an unsustainable situation is like telling myself "Keep banging your head against that wall!"
Excellent point about trying to do too much as a way to “catch up.” Constantly feel like I can’t catch up to where my peers, friends & family are at- regarding basically anything. Even when I succeed at 1 thing it’s usually cause I’ve let 10 other things fail. Also find that what seems 2b the easiest or most important to me other people disagree or it isn’t nearly as easy as I think it should be so I get frustrated or give up and then the paralysis happens... sometimes I don’t even get started cause everything seems “most important” and idk how to prioritize...
Prioritisation is hard for me too… just recently I’ve started using Notion, and that’s helped. I set up a sorting formula on a tasks database that takes into account when something is due, what area of my life it’s in (education, life goals, home) and whether it’s urgent or important.
If everything is important and actually is, I kinda just go with what I want at that point by feel.
Also, it might be worth choosing what you’re going to fail at. Choosing what you’re willing to get critizied and yelled at for. It sounds odd, but the act of choosing both creates a do not do list that actually frees your focus and also reduces anxiety because you ran out of f**ks to give and would rather say YES to xyz instead.
this actually made me cry. I've been pushing myself to achieve goals witch are too high aswell and I think I needed to hear that too
Awwwww, if we had Star Trek teleporters by now I'd send you a box of soft tissues! 🧡
@@HowtoADHD awhh thank you
@@HowtoADHD I love this response. Would never hear anything as cool from my neuro-typical friends.
I finally got my inattentive ADHD diagnosis yesterday :) After almost ten years of professionals and myself telling me I didn't need a diagnosis I finally pushed through and got the assessment!
Yes!! Welcome to the neuro-tribe! 🥳
Hooray, YOU!
Does it really change anything?
Glad for you that you got confirmation. Mainly due to the times when I grew up, I wasn't diagnosed until I was 48 years old. So I have a lifetime of negative thought such as "Why can't I do things like everyone else?" I still have negative thoughts, but I know what I am dealing with. Watching these videos helps too.
@@headshot8888 mostly that I can get medication now, but it also helps me take my struggles serious.
Gotta love when your boss is setting goals for you and when you try to tell him you can’t do it he says ‘I believe in you, you gotta believe in yourself!’. He doesn’t believe in adhd and tells me ‘I shouldn’t downtalk myself saying that something is wrong with me’. And ‘that I just have some quirks but my work gets done so what’s the problem?’ . He doesn’t see how hard I am trying to be ‘just’ that ‘quirky person’ and that I am making tonnes of extra hours to get my work done.. When they see my extra hours they just tell me ‘stop being so perfectionistic’ but at the same time expect the same quality as ever.. I really don’t know how to deal with it. Many times it feels like I’m being asked to breathe underwater or something. I tried explaining my brain is different and it has its own benefits if I get the right tools, but he then tells me ‘it’s just a matter of practice’ … it makes me feel really sad, like a failure.
What do you do? If able get strategic about automating as much as you can. Heck def learn to prompt engineer (read some articles) for leveraging chat gpt.
Try not to let someone who doesn't even "believe" that you struggle (have ADHD). Their statements tell far more about themselves than they do on you. Try to be patient with yourself, and know that you are trying hard, but doing well.
This was exactly how I felt during school, at one point I became so burnt out from feeling like I was a failure compared to everyone else in school that I ugly cried in front of my mother after school. This cycle was horrible to go through, now that school is out I'm going through the same thing but in a different environment. This video was absolutely perfect timing, thanks for being amazing.
Yes! Thanks for being amazing!!!
Same though I got such bad grades on tests I didn’t want to look at it
School, College, Covid and now when preparing for exams, still happening to me. I keep crying daily. I also have severe social anxiety (maybe because I failed to do simple tasks in childhood), and later in teenage I had developed perfectionism (Because I wanted to get better, and if I have any flaws I will feel embarrassed, and almost felt like someone is going to tease/taunt me. If I try to focus on one thing, I lose at 5 others that I was doing good at.) I always felt I'm missing out on my childhood and kept chasing experiences I thought other ppl my age were having. At one point I had such self doubt that I started making things harder for myself, almost unrealistic standards. I am 23 now, and while still pretty young, there's not really much time left to enjoy life as a youth. I just got to know about ADHD this year. I'm super happy yet sad and depressed at the same time.
Same with me and I'm failing from past 3 yrs in the university entrance exams .
After leaving school in 1988, my dad told me I had to join the army (this was after I had messed up my exams and he wanted me to follow in his steps and be a police officer). At the time I already knew that I was dyslexic, which was something my dad found very hard to accept and he told me not to mention this to the army, when I was doing interviews.
So upon going into basic training, which was back then 19 weeks for British Infantry and Royal Pioneer Corp. Initially things went well and was helped by the regimented regime, where everything had to be done at a certain time.
I got past the first 6 weeks and whilst I had certain issues at the back of my mind, I was still doing well enough. Unfortunately, as time went on, I couldn't hide the issues, I had and things started to go down hill. I did my best to hide them and the rest of my section was very good at helping me but by week 15, it was decided to put me back. Unfortunately, things didn't go well in my second section and again, I was going to be put back but by then I knew that the issues I had were getting the better of me, so I decided to leave.
For years, I took this as a massive failure on my part. There are plenty of dyslexic people in the army and they get through basic training. But the truth was I was not just fighting dyslexia, I also have ADHD and that really was what held me back (particularly with my memory issues).
Unfortunately, it has only been in the last couple of years that I realised I might have ADHD and only in the last couple of months that I have had it confirmed.
This confirmation, has had a dramatic effect on me and how I think back on my life and how I see myself. Now days, I can look at myself much more positively than I did and even forgive myself for many of my failures.
I can TOTALLY relate to this I've never been diagnosed but having started looking as thought my dad had something like this and wanted to find out I realised it's most likely what's been affecting me and knocking me down my whole life despite being successful, now and then I'll have some bad luck or something bad happen and I just can't cope with it. I powered through for years but last few years life has fallen apart and of I can't sort it out now I'm gonna lose EVERYTHING! I'm in my mid 40s and feel like a totally failure.. having been so successful to be in position I'm on now and can't get out of as I can't face anything totally overwhelmed it's just RIDICULOUSLY hard! And got no family support they tuned their backs on me when I was SUICIDAL depressed and chronic anxiety 3 or 4 years ago after a run of bad luck and end of a relationship, a number of massive issues hit me on top of that at once within a year and I've not been able to get back on top I'm rock bottom and have no clue how to get myself out if I had family support from the start I feel I wouldn't be here now but they didn't want to know and so having split with my ex 3 and half years ago, I'm finding it REALLY hard! Girl I know who's kids got it said she think I've got it for sure and if I could get on medication given I'm intelligent and was highly successful in past she recons it could be just what I need to turn my life right around again get me out the stuck in concrete, feeling hopeless,and useless every day..
No clue how to go about it though it ain't just depression and anxiety I know that now for sure.. I tick all the boxes for ADHD and another related thing when I took the online tests
Please tell me you didn't follow in your dad's footsteps once you realized this.
Proud of you man! Keep it up and move forward!
I’m writing a book currently after just being lead to one of your videos less than a week ago. This entire experience you’ve described is me, and although I don’t have a formal diagnosis, every one of your videos has clicked for me.
Thank you.
I always found it difficult to put 8 hours of effort into this book daily, but after realizing timers are my friend, and releasing the goal of submitting in a week was not possible for me without certain tools in play... I take pleasure in writing now after adjusting my expectations whereas I felt like such a failure before.
@@AB-C1 I’m sorry. That’s situation with your family is extremely cruel. What did you end up being successful in? I hope you get diagnosed if it can help!
Great job, as a ADHDer much older than you this process we need to always remind ourselves' of. When I was getting my accounting degree in college, I had to read the chapters at least 4 times to comprehend as well as my fellow students. To this day at 67, I am in a hurry to get something done because either I am behind or want to get ahead. We as ADHDers always put so much pressure on ourselves, because through school, etc, we feel internally inferior to normal brains. But we are gifted, remember that!
I asked a teacher once what I could be doing better and he told me “JUST DO SOMETHING!” That comment literally messed with my brain everyday for the rest of the school year. I still look back on it today though it happened like 5 years ago and still see failure. One day I’ll be able to externalize it but now it feels too close to home as I try to graduate on time and become a successful helping professional.
If it helps that comment is very unfair (said by someone whose job in part involves coaching those who are junior to me) and shouldn’t have been said. If someone is struggling a lot then the most helpful thing can be to pick out reasonable goals that are most likely to have a large output. Also at leas tin my experience of university those comments are probably a lot more about the professor/teacher struggling and having difficulty with a large number of demotivated students than about you specifically. I know my lecturers used to get super annoyed about the fact that most of my classmates really struggled to do the homework, readings and attend lectures. So whilst it’s a sucky comment take solace in the fact that it probably was about a bigger issue than just you. Or the teacher just wasn’t good at coaching.
If college professor said it, see other guys comment, it’s so true,
If any other teacher from Highschool or lower said it, ignore them, they shouldn’t be teaching
Hi Brains!
I just started Strattera yesterday after 30 years of not taking ADHD meds.
I got sooooo much done yesterday!!!
I blame your channel for getting me motivated to get back on the meds.
Thank you =oD
Meds have helped my entire household. How my two kids (now 11 and 15) and me got ANYWHERE before them....😱
Credit. I give me and my kids credit for how hard we've worked, and I'm proud we kept working to find tools for our goals! I give, and I say YOU should give YOU credit, for the same ... THIRTY YEARS??!?😅😅
That's hard-core surviving, not giving up, and CONGRATULATIONS! May your efforts continue to being you ever more rewards to reap🥰🥰🥰🥰👍👍👍👍
Also... this is also the community that helped me to wrap my head around meds for the kids. It is so very awesome!🥰🥰
I like Strattera too. I take Focalin as well. It makes such a huge difference.
Would an assemblage of Brains be a Super Computer? Because yall are super in my book.
@@nleem3361 My kids take an extended, but I'm just on ritalin - the smallest dose 2-3 times a day. I've been thinking about trying an extended. It's rather intimidating, because I HAVE TO function. So risking NOT functioning, when I'm kinda doing well ENOUGH... 🤔
Not sure what to look for or ask Dr. What's your experience with the two, if I may ask? Or, any advice, actually.
Thanks!!
I am terrified of atomoxetine. The side effects and bedding-in period sound awful.
Thank you for talking about failure. I've been struggling with this feeling ever since my husband committed suicide, and I've been blaming myself for not trying hard enough. I think I've swung so far in the other direction that my emotions and thoughts are a constant barrage of uncertainty and unpredictability. I can relate to putting so much pressure on yourself to keep things on a timeline that it keeps me from doing anything productive at all.
So sorry for your loss. Hope you are doing okay
I’m sorry :(( sending love and support
Feeling like a failure is basically the story of my life.
When I physically cannot concentrate or get motivated to get *anything* done (until the last moment), feelings of inadequacy go with the territory.
Whatever anyone says to be encouraging (and all too often it comes across as "toxic positivity") I know full well that, until (and "even if") I get properly medicated, I'll only ever be able to get so much done.
Sucks!
🌷
😔
Thank you!!! When you said A typical mom it hit me because as a women I I'm constantly saying my mom can do it why can't I. Obviously I didn't get ADHD from my mom but I feel everything you said. Like I tell people I'm an awesome person but I suck at life.
Haha I always say I'm a really smart guy who does a lot of dumb stuff lol
@@nathanieljames7462 Another great way to put it 👏 👍 because we are really smart 🤓 just unconventional.
@@nathanieljames7462 I told my freind that, and he was like “but isn’t that just life and how it goes”
Writing a book?!?! Oh my God, I am so proud of you, and so happy for you!! I have watched your content for a long time, your videos are ALWAYS so honest, informative, and genuine! I'm 41 with ADHD, and my youngest son has ADHD as well. He and I watch your videos together, and doing so has opened the door to many incredible conversations between he and I! Your videos have helped him understand and fine-tune his "superpower," teaching him that he and I do not have a disability, but rather an amazing, unique, and exciting way of seeing and interacting with the world, and the people in our lives. Thank you for everything you do, for putting your beautiful heart and personal thoughts and experiences into your work on this channel! We all sincerely appreciate you!!
I have ADHD, one thing I’ve noticed and you kind of touched on, we have unrealistic and warped perception of success. I just started in sales, I was worried that I was failing because I wasn’t reaching all of my goals. Turns out I’m leading my entire team in almost every category. I was and honestly still am expecting 100% success rate when it’s unrealistic for anybody.
When I was in high school I had a friend who I got in a huge fight with. A lot of the things she was upset about I now recognize as ADHD symptoms. I remember she literally said “you’re wasting your potential” to me and it was so upsetting. Now that I know I have adhd it’s completely changed the way I feel about that situation. It’s honestly such a relief to finally know why I was struggling so much and that it wasn’t my fault.
It prob wants a happy experience, but oddly, that a freind cared that much in there ignorant way to do that, says she actually cared about you. At least from my read of it. People don’t typically go out of there way when not related to have those discussions. You ever explain it to her?
I honestly hadn’t thought about the fact that some of my goals were based on things that I couldn’t control. There’s one particular thing that I could never heal from before and because of your statement, I feel that I can finally heal. Thank you so much ❤️
Thank you for this. As a stay-at-home mom whose house is a mess, whose yard would be considered rather uncared for in a suburban neighborhood, whose cooking repertoire is rather limited, I feel like a failure on a regular basis. For a former “gifted” child, thinking that there are things that I just cannot do is difficult, almost painful. Thank you for providing the perspective that gets left out of all the neurotypical magazines and articles that tell you “this is all you have to do to achieve this particular goal”.
Hearing the story about the scheduling issue was relatable. And I should write to my doctor about getting a diagnosis.
Update: I've gotten diagnosed with ADHD and ASD.
Yes! Soooo many other ‘issues’ I was diagnosed with BEFORE being diagnosed with ADHD suddenly made sense! Don’t wait any longer-your life & your brain will thank you!
I'm in same position as you right now tbh.. not sure what to do for the best or how to go about it.. had suggested to me by someone else I should try get diagnosed and get on the medication, as they are sure I have it and I was also thinking that before they said it.. Her 2 young twins have it and both on stimulant Medication and she said she thinks although I've always been successful in the past it might be why I'm suffering so much now depression anxiety been suicidal on n off fell out with family cos they couldn't be bothered.. so it's been impossible to get out of this hole I'm in as can't face ANYTHING and it's more than just anxiety and depression at this point as it's been 3 or 4 years!!
Anyhow good luck!
As a fellow ADHD writer, I knew it wasn't heading in a good direction the moment I heard your schedule. A small piece of advice (might not work for you, this is just what I've found gets me writing); plan to scrap your first chapter. Just anticipate that it's going to suck and you'll end up writing something completely different when you start editing. Think of it as something you're writing to get a feel for the book, sort of light a pilot episode of a TV show. Don't waste time trying to get it how you want your finished opening chapter to be, write the book first. I've attempted to write a lot of books (I'm actually still working on most of them) but only finished two, and the first one was awful because I was trying to write a book that didn't fit me or my writing style. (It also took me three years to write.) I'm about 25,000 out of maybe 100,000 words into the book I'm working on right now (started casually working on the book in October), and now that I've got a solid idea on what the story is, I've realized that while yes, the original first chapter sucks, the current chapter two is actually a wonderful place to start the book. Just food for thought
I’m an artist and aspiring illustrator and this applies to me trying to put together my portfolio! Just start and let it flow, not putting too much focus on getting it perfect cos many of the first pieces are going to get scrapped anyway 😂 it’s about letting yourself splash around and get a feel for what your doing. A messy/ imperfect “pilot episode” is a perfect metaphor
That’s really helpful advice, thanks! ❤️
I'm writing a novel now, and it takes a long ass time! I am so looking forward to read it when you're done! But when its done, and you aren't putting yourself in harm to do it. You are amazing and you help so much and you def not a failure by any means!
awwwww, thhank you!!! it does take a long time! How's your novel going? 😊
@@HowtoADHD Its going really well now! But for years and years it hasn’t been. I’ve been working on it for 12 years now, and that includes research, and drafting the outlines for all four books of the series. I had multiple plot holes that I had to tend with. Omg, such a nightmare! I’m finally ok with thinking the book is doing ok. I hope to have a draft of the first novel finished by next summer. My main heroine is ADHD too! Also I took a break from writing when my life took a few turns for the worse, had that not had happened I’m sure I’d be done as well. But yeah, it takes a long ass time! Thank you for asking!
It's awesome to hear you're doing well now! And way to go! Getting to a point where you're okay with it can be difficult, great job! Hope it continues to stay relatively smooth for ya! I know there will be bumps, there always are, but may they be smol and easy to dodge or overcome!
ALSO AN ADHD HEROINE?! SIGN ME UP! 👀
@@ericpeterson7712 Writing longer texts is just so difficult sometimes. Gotta praise you on keeping on project. I've written maybe dozens or hundreds of disparate things.... Not easy to keep my mind on one project. Creative projects are the best! Writing deadlines are the ""worst"".... stress is just such a nemesis for me....stress and procastination. Happy to see tough that people are hanging on and finishing their projects! (and sometimes, just getting further in a project than i previously ever accomplish is recompense in itself..... realistic expectations and all.) Thanks for sharing. Your experience resonates with me in a positive way. G. (dude TDA/H de QC)
I’m in awe of anyone with ADHD who writes a book. It’s something I’d love to do myself but I just don’t believe I could ever manage it! I’m still testing meds though, maybe when I find the right one my mind could be changed! Inspired by you both 🙌🏻
I have been listening for a while. It's nice to see this ADHD friendly bonus button. Now I don't have to go to another site like procreate to send some kind of financial support. You have helped me accept my ADHD diagnosis and feel more comfortable with all the brick walls and roadblocks. Most importantly teaching how to have more awareness of when I need to ask for help.
AWWWWWWWW thank you so much for such a kind comment! We're so glad that our content has been helpful to you throughout your ADHD journey! And thank YOU so much for sticking with us, watching our content, and supporting what we do. 🧡
Thank you so much for this. I am struggling with my ADHD right now. I was diagnosed when I was 5, bombing grades even tho I was a "gifted" kid. Now, at 25, I had the most aggresive and scary meltdown. I felt like I had no value as a person at all. Watching your videos makes me feel better and it helped me to actually resume theraphy and talk to my doctor. I'm feeling much better now, but it's still a process, right? I thank you and praise you for the support you offer to this community, it's really important.
Hey Saturn,
Thank you for opening up. I’m also 25 trying to just thrive in this which is how I ended up here on this video. I am proud of you for resuming your therapy sessions. Showing up is simple. But, showing up to HEAL and CONFRONT your S**** is a 🗣️HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT!
@@Flower_Power9 Thank you so much for the support! It's been a while, some ups and downs, but I am so much better now. Wish you the best too!
I've struggled with agoraphobia and being housebound for 10 years, I then figured out it was body doubling.
I'm a twin and have grown up my whole life with someone by my side , when I was living on my own for the first time I became unable to cope. I know that now, but I still see it as failing at life.
I find it so much easier to go outside when I have someone with me basically, else I have massive panic attacks and total break down moments.
I wrote and defended a dissertation before I was diagnosed. It took me four years and a lot of therapy. One of the worst parts about it was that, due to administrative constraints, I kept feeling like I didn't have the space to set realistic goals and, when I finally started developing the confidence and sensibilities to do so, I experienced external pushback. This advice is useful because, if nothing else, developing sense of self and recognizing that maybe it's not you, maybe it's the system, is really helpful to... well, if nothing else, your sanity. I still do some teaching in my field, but I haven't been able to write about it since my dissertation revisions. I still have things I want to say, but at least I found a job where I get to do something meaningful and don't *have* to write to be considered worthy. Maybe someday, with a lot of CBT and some realistic goals...
This is literally one of the best channels out there for this kind of information and support. Genuinely appreciate your hard work and effort into doing these.
I just got diagnosed a couple of months ago at the age of 36. I find it almost impossible to achieve any goals that are at core value for me, because all me resources go towards just getting food, cleaning and exercise done over and over again. It seems hard to actually find hope that this will change some day. It's nice to see, that you found a way. I really hope that the diagnosis and the medicin will give me an opportunity to do something I love during the week and not only chores.
Yep, it's the over and over again bit that my brain hates! I wonder if there will ever be time in the day for something else
@@slipperybank4110 I really hope so 🙏 I'm gonna start a Spanish course once a week in the autumn and hope that starting medication will make it possible. What what you do, if you felt sure, you could complete it?
I just got diagnosed with ADHD last Saturday! I'm 30 and I am busy collecting the extra health info my psychiatrist needs before prescribing stimulants! Thank you so much for educating me, and reducing stigma. You helped me get to this point, so thank you!!!!
Congrats on this milestone in understanding your brain!
Congrats! I am 25 and also just got diagnosed. Being an adult with ADHD is really hard so it’s nice to hear other people my age getting on the bandwagon later.
Jessica, just discovered you a week ago. I am almost 42 and got officially diagnosed recently. I am an intervention specialist and always knew I had it, but didn’t realize until recently how much it has affected ALL areas of my life including my marriage. Just wanted to let you know you are amazing! That is all lol
I have been trying to get better at drawing and I feel like I’ve been failing at improving. I see art online and I feel awful for not being able to reach it. Turns out, the art I’ve been looking at have been from industry professionals who have been working for major companies for years. That made me realize I’ve been setting my goals too high
UA-cam has some AWESOME tutorials for drawing when you get stuck. There’s always something new to learn & sometimes it just takes hearing it said the right way for something to ‘click’.
YESSSSS. EXACTLY. We all have to start somewhere... but we so often are surrounded by these masters of their crafts that sometimes I think we forget that... 1. that's not the starting level of talent, that's a master at work and 2. the master had to start somewhere as well. They weren't just a master overnight. (Prodigies aside, but even prodigies have to start somewhere as well)
I am also an artist and trying to get better at it, it's so hard!! I think part of it is that the progress is so gradual that we often can't really see it... but if you compare what you draw now with drawings from a couple years ago I'm sure you'll see improvements! Don't give up 😊
I feel this so much! 💜 Especially the part of "why is this so much harder for me than everyone else. They aren't failing". I understand everyone does fail. Hearing, how much are YOU trying to do at once, made me start crying a bit. I think we know it's a lot. I believe it's a combo of wanting to do all the things and also trying to prove to ourselves and everyone else we aren't that giant screw up we have always been told.
Having grace with ourselves is pretty hard. If I start beating myself up I try to remember that I would NEVER let anyone talk to my friend the way I talk to myself sometimes or even other people speaking to me. Then give myself a reminder that I am not here to prove myself to anyone else. The people who truly love me, love me for my brain as is. It doesn't go that smoothly of course. There's a lot of ugly crying and saying to myself, "don't tell me how to live me life, me!" 😆
I'm nearly 40. For years, I struggled with tasks that seemed simple to others-organisation, timekeeping, sticking to long-term commitments. It felt like I was constantly swimming against the tide, often being labelled as creative but lacking focus, or 'needs to try harder, apply himself more'. Even now, I'm in trouble at work for missing some deadlines and overpromising deliverables. This constant struggle has spilt over into personal battles, making me contemplate the worth of my own life at times.
However, a recent preliminary diagnosis of ADHD has cast my past struggles in a new light, offering a semblance of understanding and relief I've longed for. It's strange to say, but even the prospect of facing significant life changes, like losing my job, seems less daunting now. There's a newfound excitement for the future, a curiosity for what lies ahead, despite the uncertainties.
I'm sharing this here because I believe in the power of our stories to connect, heal, and inspire. If you've ever felt out of place, struggled to keep up, or are on a journey of self-discovery yourself, know that you're not alone.
Can you do a video on how to respond when people use the dreaded "everyone has ADHD"?
It's already on our list! We just got a big list... but we do hope to touch on it at some point! 😊
@@HowtoADHD thank you! you're amazing 😊
I get that a lot with 'everyone is a little autistic'. No they don't. One of the symptoms of dementia is memory loss. Just forgetting where you put your keys doesn't make you have dementia. There's requierments for a diagnosis. Same thing with autism and adhd. Not everyone meets the DSM listing, so not everyone has ADHD. Hanging your clothes by colour or being busy during boring classes means exactly nothing. It's not just sorting clothes or being busy. There's more. Would be nice, then my room and life would be super tidy, without social issues except being called out every now and then for speaking too much during meetings.
Squirt them in the face with a water bottle, and say "bad... bad..." then walk away, lol.
If you meant when people point out so many get a diagnosis, yes, duh. 200 years ago there were no social media or busy city centres or high expectations. Not near as many stimulations as now. 200 years ago I could become a farmer or a sheepherd and nobody would mind me being not focusing on my office work or being less social. I might be considered weird, but it were solved with that. (On top of ADHD not being a diagnosis until the 1980s, well makes sense that nobody had ADHD when you were in elementary school, Karen.)
I looked into an ADHD diagnosis when I finished Uni and suddenly every basic task became an uphill struggle. I missed the obvious signs because I never stopped long enough to notice. There was always something. School, my dad's declining health, facing homelessness, uni etc. Then smack. It was like hitting a wall. With my dyspraxia and ADHD, I battle with physical and mental fatigue. It is so easy to unfairly compare myself to others. But I'm learning. I'm learning about my conditions, I'm learning not to overtax myself. I can achieve my goals, it just takes longer. My Fiancé has ADHD and autism, and I encouraged him to start educating himself on his conditions. This channel has taught us so much, and improved our quality of life. Thank you for your honesty. Every time one of your videos reassures me I'm going to okay I start to cry. Thank you for everything!
I relate strongly to your comment to effect I can do things, it just takes longer.
I am sitting on the couch tired and overwhelmed but I haven't done much.... And felt like a failure for sure. Maybe I just need to really figure out what I want the most and focus on that one or two thing. I think I needed that too. Thank you ❤️
My daughter just got diagnosed a couple months ago and today was also diagnosed with autism your videos are truly helping me
Perfect timing as I sit here thinking I'm failing on my goals for this year. I definitely do need to re-evaluate and adjust what I'm trying to do. My problem is my interests are constantly shifting, so it's hard to make progress on a project and I end up trying to take on too many at once. I definitely need to figure out how to prioritize the projects I want to work on AND then not get distracted when a new, shiny project idea comes along.
thanks for this. "diligence," "discipline," "routine," "if i can stick to," etc. all panic-inducing words for me. very comforting to hear i'm not alone
Ugh. Almost every time I watch one of your videos it gets me crying. I just relate so hard to everything you say and you always find a way to make everything so positive. Thank you.
Oh man. I only recently was officially diagnosed with inattentive adhd, despite it being something that I’ve struggled with forever. And there has been so many times that I’ve set up these super strict, unrealistically ambitious goals and routines and ‘structures’ only to fall off, feel absolutely terrible about myself, and then get put in an almost paralyzed state of not being able to do anything because I feel like I can’t succeed with anything I try.
Currently, I started taking classes again and over ambitiously signed up for 2, very content heavy introductory courses. Within week 1 I got so overwhelmed and discouraged and that feeling of failure snuck in. With my therapist and partners support, I dropped one of the courses and set up a realistic, achievable study structure for the remaining one. If I can succeed through this course, then I’ll know how to better approach a more full course schedule next semester.
So grateful for your content, it always makes me feel heard, understood and supported. 💜
I didn't know I had ADHD until 44 years old. The more I learn about it, the more my life comes into focus. When I was 10, I came up with an *extremely* ambitious plan for entering a science fair. I procrastinated and never got it even started because I was so overwhelmed. Around the same time I was just BAWLING when looking at math homework with 5x7 grid of repetitive math problems.
Your channel has helped me a lot, and I could really identify with this video. Thanks for what you do. I'm going to check out copilot too, this looks like something I could use!
Oh, and I got SO SICK of hearing "He's so smart, he has a lot of potential, but..."
This video just got me out of a terrible head space, like" crying on the floor and feeling absolutely horrible"-terrible.
Thank you
Thank you. I really needed to hear this today. I made a minor mistake at work today and I felt terrible, I felt like a failure. I felt this way because I want to grow with company, but I have to remind myself I've been with them for less than a year.
I needed this today. As someone who is gifted, I have only ever been valued by the grades I get in school, and as a people pleaser, what I do for others. I try to be kinder to myself, but it's hard when others always expected the very best from me. Now as an adult, if I don't get a high grade on my assignments, I feel like a failure. If I don't let others treat me however they like without complaining, I'm a bad person according to them. I don't know how to expect less of myself, when most people demand that I behave like a robot. I just want to be treated the same way I treat others. I'm told to be kinder to myself, but no one tells me how?
Thank you for creating this safe space for us who have ADHD
I kinda got two perspectives of the failing topic. One of them sticks back to school or child days in general, as even if I accomplished a task successfully it was either not in appropriate quality or in given time. Equals fail. Even if it was correct or functioning and the underlying goal was reached it was labled as a fail.
The other perspective is how I'm functioning right now as I have to set unrealistic goals to set a certain level of pressure as without nothing will be accomplished as i tested a couple of times in a while. So by setting very tight or high goals or expectations for myself I will fail them for sure but by failing I will succeed at what should had to be done. Allright everyone's happy now except me cause even if I know it's good and okay and I can be proud of what I've achieved it's still a fail cause goals were not reached.
And on top of that, there comes the german perfectionist culture throwing things in my way like "100% is barely good enough, we thought you would give 110%" as if that would even be possible in somehow.
I've been let go from every job I had because I couldn't keep up with deadlines. As much as I appreciate this video, I don't see how I can't think of myself as a failure when this is my reality. Thanks though.
I relate so much to this pattern of setting stupidly unrealistic goals and feeling like complete shite when I inevitably fail at them and then also trying to do soooooo many things at 1 time and not even registering that that was a problem. I still fall into that pattern sometimes but it doesn't get nearly as bad and I don't beat myself up nearly as much. I don't know if things would have gotten any better without my diagnosis of adhd, which I don't think I'd have gotten if not for this channel, so thank yous 💜🖤💜🖤
I was almost in tears at how quickly this turned my mood around. Not diagnosed, but everything on your channel resonates with me. I've been hating on myself all week for procrastinating on a task that I don't find interesting. The thought of trying to do it after work is just too many spoons. This video reminded me that It's okay to automate the boring stuff and move on to the bits that actually interest me.
“Alexa, add to rewatch playlist” Man I’m so glad I found this youtube channel. You’re really changing lives with the information and advice you share, along with your story. 🙌🏾
I like how one of the most important things came right at the end almost like an afterthought.
"...Their markers for success might be different than ours."
That's one of the BIGGEST issues - that THEY decide if you are a failure based on THEIR opinions/criteria.
It leads me to say "If THEY want me to do it, THEY have to give me the motivation to WANT TO do it."
Which, inevitably, they feel like they owe you NOTHING, and yet still expect you to want to do it just because THEY consider it important.
I end up attaching a motivational issue to whatever someone else wants me to do, and until my BASIC NEEDS have been met I won't do it.
Then THEY complain when I don't immediately do the thing, and try to punish me (continually badger me) until I meet THEIR needs.
Why do THEIR needs come first?
And why does it lead to a falling out if I put MY needs first?
This applies even if I want to do a thing, but they make it a priority while I don't feel like it is.
Then, if they meet my needs/requirements, I will do it, and not before!
I want to be PAID for my labours, not AFTER my labours... if they decide to... which they have a habit of NOT reciprocating my efforts on THEIR behalf.
I just don't want to feel like a servant, hoping for a pat on the head for doing a good job, but never getting even that.
THEY want it done, so I want paying IN ADVANCE for my time and efforts, then I'll be way more inclined to make THEIR wants a priority.
🤔😣
So I really connected with this video. I just received my combined type ADHD diagnosis in January at the age of 49. I've been working on figuring out goals for myself - not just the goal, but also trying to figure out what I need to succeed at my goals by learning what it is my brain needs to be successful. I'll tell yah, after 49 years of believing I'm a failure and a let down, I am overwhelmed with fear and usually never even start things. When I am able to start something, 9 out of 10 times I'm not finishing because my perfectionism takes over and says what I'm doing isn't good enough. It's a vicious cycle that I am having so much trouble working my out of. So, thank you for making stop and remember to check in with myself and my fear to see where things are bubbling up so I can talk with my therapist about these fears and work on a plan to overcome them. 💚
I think I’ve started dealing with my feelings the same way I deal with annoying people, by ignoring it and not caring but that really doesn’t work.
_oh my brain_ I kid you not, this video title is 💯 me this week and I had no idea what to do about that 😭
Excited to hear storytime!!
(and a gentle reminder to my brain that it's not Jess's job to fix my life or define my sense of purpose and success)
The biggest detriment to my goals was always myself setting unrealistic expectations of what needs done. I still have a problem over scheduling to-dos, but have learned over the last year to give myself grace. Sorting by priority to get done versus those that can wait always helps too! :)
The timing of this one was perfect for me. I really needed it.
Awwwwww hope it helped 🧡
@@HowtoADHD the reminder that we need to make sure what we're trying to do all at once is reasonable made me stop and realize I'm actually doing well.
Maybe I should make a sign to hang above my computer 😅
@@OakleafRanger09 It's so much easier to remember what we haven't done than what we have. I know I'm regularly surprised to realize that I've actually done a fair number of things, because it often really doesn't feel that way. Best of luck on keeping your own accomplishments in mind, and remember that other people notice the work you do even when you don't.
This is so timely. I am so frustrated right now because I realize part of why I'm 'behind' where I want to be in life is because as a child I was not given the support I need and I was punished for not meeting expectations ("failing"). Which made me think the problem was ME, not the difficulties I was having. This feeling obviously followed me into adulthood. So this is really important advice that I need to remind myself of, thank you for the video!
This is one of your BEST videos. Thank you! We all needed to hear this. We all needed to be reminded of this. I definitely needed it today. I was practically falling apart as I came up short of a goal and it was crunch time to deliver a meetup talk. I had to let go of my unrealistic expectations, and do something less polished that wasn't letting anyone down except my past self. I didn't feel positive afterwards, but at least I didn't feel bad at all. I hope this will become a chapter in your book because it's one of the most valuable things you've put together. Thank you.
We just found your channel and we love the way you think! We both have grown up with ADHD and have dealt with the constant feeling of failure and falling short. We started our channel as a way of embracing our ADHD as a positive thing in our life and not a negative. We were never comfortable with living in one place and working a 9-5. But the world makes you feel like your wrong for wanting constant change. So we saved for 3 years working 24/7 and now we travel the world 😊 We now love our life and never feel bored. So instead of settling for what everyone else said we should be happy, we found what makes us happy in our life. We hope everyone else finds that same happiness in life no matter what you feel you're failing at. Your failures might actually be your biggest success ❤️🍻🌎
This is coming at the perfect moment, as my thesis is due in a few weeks and I'm constantly missing the deadlines I set myself. It's good to be reminded that I'm propably setting the bar to high regarding how much I can get done in a day. Another important aspect I'm struggling to keep in mind is that not everything has to be perfect. Often, it's much more fulfilling to get it done and move on. I will be trying to remind myself of that!
I have been going to my therapist for a year and recently was diagnosed with ADHD at 31 and was scared of what would come next, your videos have given me so much comfort, I am really scared but it’s nice to know that there is someone that gets it, and a community that understands, thank you so much for doing what you do ❤️
Thank you so much for this. I've been job hunting since February and it's felt like a never ending "Im a Failure" marathon I never asked for.
From feeling like I haven't applied to enough jobs, to feeling like my skills are useless, to feeling like there must be something wrong with _me_ because I never make it past the first interview, its just a parade of hurt ft. special guest- my RSD.
At this point, I just try to take it a day at a time and remind myself that even NTs find job hunting to be difficult + the market sucks rn. If I keep doing my best, eventually (statistically) something will come up, I can't be unemployed forever. Put one foot in front of the other
(tho ofc if I'd written this 3 days ago I'd be saying I'll never get a job lol love this roller coaster pls get me off of it)
I don't know if it is pure algorithm or divine intervention BUT this video came to me at the PERFECT time! I have been struggling with law school, work, household chores, physical activity and weight loss to the point of just wanting to give up. Then, this video gave me some grace.
Thank you so much for reminding me of our ability to set unrealistic goals for ourselves. I was falling victim to my self criticism after setting impossible goals then falling short. Thank you again for all you do. :)
Thank you for talking through all of this. I’m working through something related with my therapist now - the feeling that there are things I “should” be able to do by some imaginary metric but which I just don’t get done. Part of me wants to just say “My brain doesn’t work like that, give up” and another part is berating the first part for not trying hard enough, where the real solution would be to set up more realistic goals and supports to make them possible.
Hi last night I had a moment of clarity! I've recently started meds and therapy and got diagnosed because of your channel. Looking back last night I had to give myself a pat on my back about all the things I've accomplished before starting meds and therapy. Thanks to you I've have been able to accept my short comings as not being treated and acknowledge what I've achieved
Just got diagnosed officially the other day, and just got fired today on account of my own avoidance. Feeling very much like a failure and wondering if I'll ever have things more under control.
Even as a 15 year old I constantly wonder why Im unable to achieve the things I want/ need to do. Im so glad I found this video and this channel. Very helpful and encouraging info. Thank you!
I'm blown away by your videos. I think I don't have ADHD, but know I have sensory processing sensitivity - and I relate sooooo much to so many thing you talk about. 😲 I'm just... I'm so grateful to you. I never came across a channel for highly sensitive people that would be SO hands on and helpful like yours is for ADHD (and as turns out, apparently HSP too). 🙏
You’re awesome for writing a book - it’s really a massive undertaking and hard for EVERYONE (I’ve never written one but I have done a decent bit of writing) I find with any creative endeavor it takes at least 3x as long as you expect, and it’s not always an ADHD thing, it’s just a creativity thing (as in that is how the creative process works). That said, I love your insights, and I really need them, and I share them regularly with my therapist to discuss. I cannot wait to read your book, you do such good work and you are a gift.
My girlfriend and her son are both ADHD. We Didn’t so much split up as much as she moved them somewhere else because I didn’t understand them. I would get so frustrated and felt like they didn’t understand me. You popped up on my list today like a sign to save my family. After only a few videos, I subscribed because I want to understand them better and bring them home. Thank you for these videos. Your not just helping people understand their situation, but your helping the ones around them who care enough to watch and research because they didn’t understand the ones who frustrated them. Thanks again.
Goal setting is so hard and stressful. Last August I started my MBA. Made it my goal to finish it in the accelerated timeline of 1 year to be done before I turn 30 this fall. Working a full-time job AND taking 2 classes every 7 weeks (with some breaks between sessions) has been the most stressful and mentally draining thing I have done. I basically built up more anxiety which came with an onset of depression. I was really wanting to push back these last two classes because I was so overwhelmed looking at the workload. The only reason I've stuck through it is that I have been successful through them so far, I'm actually interested in being an engineer with a business background, and it's costing me out of pocket because my company won't cover all the costs. Having started ADHD medication has also seemed to help tremendously to get my work done. Anyway, I'm in my last two classes right now and 5 weeks away from finishing! I'm already excited about finishing up such an accomplishment because I feel like I have not been able to set goals and stick to them in a long time.
i have been avoiding this video since it came out and made few attempt at watching but after hearing the first few words: let's talk about... i just cannot. wow i didn't realise how hard this topic was for me, i still really want to watch it, just maybe not feeling like crying and being called out just yet (in a positive sense ofc!) i always love watching your videos, crying on every other one and they really help me, so thank you Jessica
I remember in secondary school I once asked one of my friends how she managed to get all her homework done (I always was short on time and luckily handing in regular homework wasn't part of our grade but showing it could have an impact on if you could resit exams). Her answer was: I just concentrate. She didn't bat an eye as if it was the most normal thing in the world. Maybe for her it is. I was like: I can't do that. Outside of having ADD I was basically always overstimulated but didn't realize that's why I was so tired and had chronic head aches and migraines until I had a long enough break to recover when I was 19, nearly 20. It had been a part of my life since age 9.
She could not only 'just concentrate' on things, she also wasn't ever really overstimulated.
I genuinely didn't realize fully until then that that was an actual way people lived. I never have and never will. Hyperfocus isn't regular concentration either and I can't easily juggle different parts of my life because of it. Either I am hyperfocused on something and can't think about other things or be productive in other ways or I have trouble focusing on anything. Something I still need to come to terms with.
@Tobias John I already did that several years back, hence I'm vegan and I've always had a variety of fruits and veggies in my diet. I always liked most of them in one way or another.
Dairy and some artificial sweeteners trigger migraines for me as does sleep deprivation and prolonged impulse overload.
Going plant based/vegan also fits my ethics better so no more stress on that front plus it helps quite a bit with other health problems including hormonal problems (that still needed medical intervention but I managed to delay that for 6 years or so by changing my diet).
Just one tip for a next time: don't assume people haven't explored their food intake if they don't mention it. Just ask first if someone has thought about it before.
@Tobias John I also have ASD so some things just can't be changed past a certain degree. I'll always be sensitive to stimuli, some more than others since I also have mysophonia for certain sounds, or something that a whole lot like it.
Soooo true. I perpetually set my own expectations at inhuman levels and then destroy myself at any stage of progress. This rarely gets talked about. You are seriously one of THE BEST channels on UA-cam. Ever. Thank. You. So. Much.
Your timing was dead on!
Yeah really 👍
I know right? It's like she can read us!
We do that sometimes~ Hope you find this helpful!
I think this is my favourite video of this series. For a funny reason: despite you always being honest about your struggles, I've always viewed you as a "success story" and someone who is on top of their ADHD even if they have to fight it every day. I'm here treating my good days as "days when the medication is working correctly and I am brilliant" and every other day as being something preventing my meds from unlocking my potential, rather than accepting that those "good days" are actually "great days" and the mediocre ones are still really good.
Watching this video on a day where I feel like I've slept poorly, where I have complicated work to do and feel like I should've done it already, feel overwhelmed by my work, feel intimidated by the way my boss and co-workers appear to be able to glide through their jobs, has really helped me, and not just because what you say in the video makes a lot of sense. It's also because it's you saying it!
It is so hard to have realistic expectations and comparisons.
"hello brains, let's talk about failure"...
Finally, a subject I'm an expert in! 😂😭🤣
Oh also, I've had Anthony Padilla's interview with you and other adhders on my watch later list for quite some time, and got around to it yesterday evening. (actually, had to study, so... Yeah, you get it)
My god, that dude is an amazing interviewer. So, I also ended up watching some more in his mental health series. The ones about Schizophrenia and DID blew me away!
I’m writing my fourteenth book and am in the same situation. I’m in revisions and deadlines are a double-edged sword: I can’t do anything without them because the work is hard and unrewarding and there’s no novelty or interest left to stimulate my brain, but it’s devastating when I can’t meet my deadlines and I feel like I’ve failed (AGAIN). I try not to compare myself to people who have different brains and who write more and faster, but it’s hard. Learning to make my goals fit me and not what works for others is a long process.
Thank you for this. I'm a writer, and you were aiming too high also always remember that writing is rewriting. For writing, I generally have a good comfort zone. Other tasks not so much, I set the bar at what I could do a few years ago before COVID and I have long COVID which means the bar should be even lower for some tasks. A few times in the last week I set the bar far too high then I beat myself up because I had failed. Thanks to this video I am going to reassess my goals.
Setting unachievable goals is something I struggle with. I keep feeling overwhelmed, procrastinating, behind, but really I attempt to do way too much in a day and I’m disappointed when I fail
Another approach I've found helpful is to change how you are measuring your progress. A lot of times measurements (like # of words written or chapters read) don't compute well in ADHD brains. I found measuring it by time spent working or something unrelated to a quantitative measure (ex communicating your point well regardless of # of words) to help me stay on track without getting as discouraged. I can feel good about spending an hour working on something despite the fact that I didn't hit an arbitrary number goal!
I'm starting to parent myself. All the time I'm like "try your best love, if it doesn't workout like you want to, we will figure out together. It's okay, I love you no matter what." It's extremely crazy because it seems I'm talking to someone else but I think I really am, I'm talking to the version of me that is hurt and feel so much pain, I'm talking to the version of me that is so afraid of being alive, I'm talking to my inner child!
Thank you so much for this video! I’m in art school right now for game art, so I do a combination of lots of mouse work and digital drawing. About six months ago I was overworking myself so much due to unattainable goals that I developed a wrist injury. It was a wakeup call to see my body literally wasn’t capable of what my brain asked it to do. So for my fellow highly functioning ADHD brains, just know that if you go too far, your body will stop you. I’m still dealing with my injury now, it’s slowly getting better, but it’s hard to have to constantly worry about
I worked as a Game Designer at Activision for nearly a decade, EA for several years, and a number of small satellite studios or indies here and there. At my last studio (a job I was invited to by a Producer and Art Director I'd known at Activision who'd also just landed there), I was one of only three designers and the only one with any actual industry experience. Because I was the only designer with experience and the studio owner was impressed with how quickly I picked up their proprietary tools and the quality of what I was making with them, he kept asking me to "help out" with other projects as well.
Already working way too many hours to finish what a neurotypical designer might've been able to do faster (and also bc I kept experimenting with the tools and assets and adding things that kept my brain engaged when the work got boring), I ended up saying "yes" to every request from the owner until I eventually found myself working on six games at once, four of them where I was the only designer (there were also a few side projects/prototypes in addition to those six, but they came and went fairly quickly as studio priorities shifted).
Deciding I would obviously be a failure if I couldn't pull this off, I kept working more and more hours until I found myself working 7 days a week, most of it at the studio, some of it at home, with no breaks other than to get food, coffee, and energy drinks. Not only that, because there weren't enough hours in the day to be doing that much work, I got to a point where I was working 24 hours a day for 3 days straight (three days, I learned, is when my body finally hits a brick wall of exhaustion where I can't function anymore), would sleep for 3 or 4 hours (the most "down time" I felt I could afford), then wake up and work another 3 days straight with no sleep. This 3-days-at-a-time/7 days a week schedule went on for a little over two years.
Ultimately, I ended up in the emergency room twice, lost my long-term relationship, and sank into crippling anxiety and deep depression. Sadly enough, that wasn't my wake up call that I was pushing myself too far. I still felt like *I* was somehow failing, just wasn't good enough to be a designer, people would find out I was a sham, etc. It wasn't until one of our programmers died of a heart attack mid-production that I finally stopped and went, "This is stupid. What am I doing?" and left the studio.
This was all when I was undiagnosed and unmedicated so, you can imagine how much I was beating myself up for not being able to do what is, let's be real, impossible for anyone. Now that I actually understand what's been happening in my brain my whole life, it's so clear but, at the time... not so much.
Glad to see you're internalizing that lesson early. Sucks that it took an injury to get there but knowing where your limits are and drawing that line when you need to will serve you well. And, y'know, find yourself a studio that won't take advantage. There are good ones and bad ones out there, for sure. Good luck!
@@johnplaysgames3120 I’m so proud of you. Overwork is bad but the blame doesn’t lie solely on you. You were trying to hard to be accepted in quite frankly what sounds like abusive situations in the game industry.Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope you haven’t lost the passion for games! They were lucky to have you.
Your timing on this video couldn’t have come at a better time for me. My major project at work has been plagued with problems and we’re rapidly approaching our release deadline. I’ve been so overwhelmed and feeling like a total failure and my imposter syndrome has been off the charts.
This video helped me remember perspective and step back from the panic. Thanks!
Sometimes if you fail at something a lot it’s because it’s something you’re not supposed to be doing in the first place. People try to fit a niche they aren’t designed for a lot of the time. So maybe it’s better to find what niche you do fit in instead. That’s my take on it
Ehh not really
Thank you for sharing your ADHD diagnosis and experience. Your videos are helping me to understand my own ADHD brain how to be my own advocate. 😢😊
Thank you for your content. You really help me understand my own "issues" and how to better cope with them.
I was given a parent coach through my outpatient (which I was super stoked about!)... she's a total whole body, self-care, wellness package of amazingness... who's always telling me I need to give myself grace b/c I'm super hard on myself...I try to keep in mind that sometimes I have to lower my own expectations of myself because a lot of times they're not achievable... By the way Jessica you totally Rock and I cannot wait to read the book!
What a great video and message. I can't wait to show my 16 year old this video. It is so ok to change your goals and expectations. Love your videos!
This really helped me calm down, I’m in art school and I’ve always been pressured to not fail. I almost got kicked out last year and was given a second chance. Art school always has me stressed and I’m always missing deadlines, I don’t have the best grades either. I actually had gotten my grades up last semester. But these grades are what decide if I stay or don’t. In 3 days I’ll know, and this helped me realize I might actually not like it, or it’s not for me. Maybe I’d do better doing it my own way, I was diagnosed with adhd last year and still some people don’t take it seriously. Thank you so much.
We're all allowed to make mistakes. But we should learn from them. Sounds like you did -- and you gained insight.
My adhd has been progressing and I've noticed it now. I'm nearly 18 (been diagnosed since I was 5, and have been working for almost 4 years) and my co-workers critique me on my speed and lack of focus. I'm trying so hard but I feel like such a failure. I shouldn't be like this, I'm working so hard but I never do enough. I'm so tired of trying to keep up, but I can't fall behind.
Sorry for venting, but getting this out feels good.
The timing of this video couldn’t have been more perfect.
I started a TEFL course in January so I could start teaching English online from home. I did really well for weeks and then when the first assignment came along I just froze and couldn’t do anything anymore.
Now it’s due in 3 weeks and I still haven’t found a way past it. But they were nice enough to give me back my time when I talked to them 😭
Now I just need to figure out how to get past this constant mental barrier… it’s exhausting.
In small doses! It was one of Jessica’s videos that taught me to put in my ADHD Tool Box the tip of “start small, do it badly”-in your case, write SOMETHING and don’t worry about typos or errors at first since just getting CONTENT ‘started’ is the key. You can go back and edit later. (The editing could be your next small thing ya do!)
@@figure15skater I don’t think it’s the amount of things that need to be done. That’s completely fine. I was able to space everything out before just fine.
But things that I need to plan out and put together to be judged on scare the hell out of me and my mind just goes blank and then I can’t do ANYTHING.
Despite looking forward to actually teaching and really enjoying the content. It’s so much fun! I barely got used to the quizzes they put in between, but actually having to sit there and plan something out from start to finish with as much detail as possible? Apparently that’s where my brain draws the line because as soon as I look at it, I have no idea what I’m doing.
does it have to be about a specific topic? If yes I'd split it in small parts and look up info on these parts and then use that to write something.
Don't worry, language is a skill, you'll get better over time (although I feel like maybe it's not an issue with English itself, am I right about that?)
@@ammalyrical5646 Oh I’m completely fine on the language part. But right now I can’t even look at this stupid lesson plan template without having an anxiety attack. I feel like I’m right back in school 🤦🏻♀️
And yes, the assignment always depends on the topic of the unit. It starts with vocabulary and I don’t know what the other ones are. But I think there’s like 6 or 7 of them because I just HAD to take the huge course…
I have same challenges! I am so successful- IF I can DO THINGS. It's difficult not to self-hate.
Thank you. Today, I was just thinking that everything that my neurotypical peers do is perfect and of high quality and anything I do is just barely good enough to pass, but yesterday, my teacher (quite difficult to impress) read my argumentative essay and said
" Very good! You should take part in debates!" I was really happy. I know now I'm worth it, that the things I do are good