5 Ways People Try to Help Someone With ADHD That Aren’t Actually Helpful (and What to Do Instead)
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- Опубліковано 19 гру 2022
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It's wonderful when we have people around us who want to give us support! Often however, the support we get isn't really all that helpful for this of us who's brains work differently. So what are some of these ways that people try to help someone with ADHD that just aren't actually helpful? What should people try to do instead?
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Ok summary:
1. Organizing or cleaning FOR someone with ADHD vs WITH them.
2. Encouraging to finish before taking a break vs breaking things up into chunks
3. “Get it to me whenever” vs communicating about a deadline
4. Insisting on a system that works for you vs meet them where there at and come up with a new system together
5. “Everyone struggles with that” vs listening to and understanding their unique experience
5b. “It’s easy” vs allowing to judge easiness of a task by themselves
Bonus. Do the hard task first vs doing easy tasks first.
You are an absolute GEM! Thank you!!
Thank you, having this visual makes my life easier and my ADHD has been making it so hard to concentrate on videos lately even if I'm interested in the topic
I will also add " do the hard part first" does not always work so well in any situation that is scaffolded like study (math for example ) sometimes stepping down a tier and reviewing known areas will both increase foundation knowledge as well as give the motivation to tackle the big puzzle.
Re: "Do the hard task first vs doing easy tasks first." - ideally, you'd want to do the "hard task" somewhere in the middle (preferably "early middle").
That is, you deal with a couple easier ones (gradually increasing the difficulty), then you "eat the frog", and then you "reward" yourself with a few easy ones afterwards.
Doing the hardest task last can sometimes spoil the early successes of doing the easy tasks, or you could wear yourself out on "easier tasks" well before you get the hard task.
I love that Jessica has pinned this comment. The struggle with focusing is real 😭😂
One thing you didn't mention but which is very important for me: if you know that your child/partner/etc with adhd has a task they have trouble with and are putting off, don't constantly remind them or ask if they've done it. It makes the stress of actually doing the task even worse because now they also feel like they've let you down. Instead you can ask "when should I remind you again"?
That’s helpful. I want better ideas of things for that instead of nagging
Or even, “how can I help you get this done?”
This one is such a big one for me. I’m pretty sure I’m undiagnosed adhd and taking steps to get a diagnosis, and the amount of times I had a big homework assignment and my mom asked me really often if I had worked on it was horrible. I always felt like I was letting her down and the shame of letting her down led to me eventually lying and saying I had worked on it just so she would stop asking me for a while but ofc that just led to shame from lying to her
Ironically, for certain tasks (especially where the reminders have felt nagging) I *do not* want it acknowledged when I do the task. I don't want to be thanked or praised (which I usually crave), because the task (and my failure to do it soon enough, or my feeling that I'm doing it wrong) is already associated with shame, so even if the person is trying to be genuine and supportive, it just makes me uncomfortably aware.
Oh yes! I especially hate it when people keep reminding me at moments when I'm incapable of doing something about it. Like, when ppl remind me to pay a bill when I'm in the middle of a workout session and have no computer with me, or that I have to read a certain things when that thing is in a different place. It's so stressful!
As a mom of ADHD kids who has ADHD herself, I often feel like I have the inside scoop on helping them manage their own brains. But OH! The DRAMA surrounding finishing homework! A 20 minute assignment could take HOURS! I'd tried pomodoros, but to no avail. Finally, one day my son said, "Mom, if I write one sentence, can I have a one minute breaK?" I did the math... 12 sentences to write at that rate = 24 minutes. That was DOUBLE the time it "should" have taken. I said an instant "Yes! We can absolutely do that! But you only earn the break if you write the sentence in one minute." Why? Because 24 minutes was going to be an absolute record time for him finishing said assignment. And it WORKED! Never in my life did I imagine that a one minute break was going to be enough for him. I'd spent months dangling 5 minute breaks, 20 minute breaks, or even longer just HOPING it would help. But that one minute break has been a miracle worker in our house. I slowly upped him to the point where he can work for 5-10 minutes at a time before earning his one minute break. We use this for anything and everything that I recognize as a "wall of awful" in his brain.
it makes me so happy to know that there are parents who help their children like this, I never got that when I was younger but I'm so glad that your children have a mum who's willing to try different things and work with them
Wished I had a mum like you, i tried to work with breaks but an important question for me was, what should I do in the break? Now I finished my Study and came to the result that daydreaming is a good thing for me in the break, or taking a short walk on the treadmill, doing other stuff is to dangerous, because when i start doing other things i find stuff to do thats "also important" ^^ but, I'm 33 and just found out that i propably have adhd during my study, it's not so easy to get an diagnosis in germany as an adult
Yes fellow adhd and mom to one with it. Recognizing what works for me isn't what works for him was a big game changer in our house. Now if only I could get my hubby to understand what its like lol
Ohhhhh I'll have to try this!
Thank you so much for sharing what worked! I'm going to try this with my kiddo.
"When someone is sharing their struggles with us, it often means that they're either asking for help, or asking to be understood" is incredibly profound and impactful. Thank you for that!
The problem is, hardly anyone seems to be willing to just listen and show they understand. They want to rescue the person and can't be bothered to find out what the person actually wants or needs.
@@Reichieru1 It's this culture of unsolicited (often insufficiently informed) advice we're surrounded by now. Telling someone what to do regardless of what they want and feel sometimes becomes a way to push them away, consciously or not.
I love that quote and it applies to life in general and even elements of identity e.g the recent discussions around race
It is also useful to know that about yourself! So you can add, "I can manage myself, I just needed to word it out so I can actually understand what is going on".
@@PeachPlasticit doesn’t even help but make us feel worse and invalidated.
The to do list popping up at 10:12 is a visual representation of my anxiety spiking when I'm trying to relax and suddenly remember all the things I have to do.
Omg 😳 literally same! And please do not even get me started about the anxiety surge of Sundays… 😮💨
I just want to know how people can not be late, especially on Monday’s??
That was so effective!
"it's still hard for us, but now we feel BAD about the fact that it's hard for us". Welcome to another episode of Jessica beautifully sums up something I've been struggling to express for my entire life. THANK YOU JESSICA!!!!
Very true
Great, now I'm crying. I tried to explain this to my mom the other day, but could not word it this well.
Seriously... it's hard being honest with people and admitting when something is really hard or extremely boring. Usually people just say, "of course it's hard," or "so what? no one likes doing that. everyone has to do stuff that they think is boring". And so I try to mask most of my struggles. People say, "just ask for help". Maybe I would ask for help, if people were more helpful. So often, I admit that I need help, then I get a lecture about how I should work harder to overcome my ADHD. Or how I just want the world to accept my mediocre performance and that I want everyone else to accomodate for me. The part that sucks is that it seems like the closer that I am to someone, the more likely they are to dismiss me whenever I ask for help. It makes me feel like I must be exhausting everyone and that I must have issues with dependency or something.
@@pedromaiz88 I am so sorry, the world is just gaslighting you and you don't deserve that. Have you tried showing these vids to people you're close to? I hope that u find a way to help them understand or get some better friends!
Yeah the shame is the absolute worst and it’s insanely strong. At this point I’ve started to feel too ashamed to even bring up my struggles to my wife. She doesn’t get it. So I just clench my teeth, drop whatever I’m doing and do her thing she’d been asking for for weeks. I don’t know what else to do. Getting pretty scary.
The "no deadline means it won't get done" thing clicked SO hard with me. It explains why I've fizzled at so many self-assigned projects. And why I dropped out of the zero-deadlines "go-at-your-own-pace" online college I attempted last year. It was super well designed content, I had enough free time, and I knew the concepts in the first batch of classes wouldn't be too hard for me... but I kept doing other things instead of my schoolwork. That guilt when you know you're 100% capable of doing a thing but can't make yourself do the thing is the worst.
Yes! I've quickly realized that hard deadlines are needed for me! Open ended things are a no go.
Yes. It either gets done in super speed and I finish a 10 page report in 30 minutes or it takes me 3 years because I forgot about it. There’s no in between. 😂 if you tell me whenever you better be prepared to never get it
Thank you for explaining why I hated when my mom would clean my room when I was at school. I'd get home and wouldn't be able to find anything without asking her, and she'd kind of make me feel bad/stupid because *obviously* my pencil case is in my writing desk drawer, but I keep it under the writing desk for quicker access. After a hundred times getting talked down to because "I wouldn't have to clean and organize your room if you did it yourself" I just eventually stopped asking her where things were and just ended up tearing up my room looking for things, and eventually she stopped cleaning my room for me, but still made me feel bad because I'm a "messy lazy disorganized brat".
Yeah parents could have helped so much more if they only had a clue my dad definitely had adhd the way my mother described but died when I was young. I always wondered how many tips and tricks he would have shown me had he been around and understood where I was coming from!!!
I can relate. My mom used to yell, why can't you just be normal?!
@@babyhandgrenade4004 yeah
@@babyhandgrenade4004 The arrogance on just assuming their the normal one
@@eternallylearning2811 YES! We are also normal 100%! We were just designed differently than whoever determined the standard for that thing.
Man, the "Everyone struggles with this!" talk is SO real for me! I've had really close friends downplay things I finally mustered the courage to tell them, effectively shutting down the conversation, and it has led to a pattern of sharing very little of the truly deep things I'm dealing with. Nice to know others are out there who get it!
yes, same here! shared with my partner recently about my struggles and was met with a "everyone struggles" type comment that was clearly coming from a place of caring... but it still really hurt and i told him that
They're coming from a different place. They're trying to let you know that you're not alone. The problem with that is at the time, you are alone. You want someone to jump into your head with you and help you sort it out. When they say "everyone feels that," it takes you further from the bleeding, so to speak, and creates anxiety.
Yes! My husband says this constantly. Sending him this video now, in a passive-aggressive way. 😂
If one more person in my life says “everyone struggles with this” to me one more time, I’m gonna lose it.
What's funny is that it works for me, WHEN I TELL THAT TO MYSELF. People don't know what I feel, but I know what i feel, so telling myself to that there are people similar to me feels... real, compared to when someone else tells me that
8:56 The hidden side of things being "easy" is this: I'm a 50-year old man with ADHD. I'm strong and healthy. I'm not afraid of hard work. Nobody needs to tell me something is easy, because I am evidently capable. But nobody ever asks me how much effort I have to put in to get things done, or how long it takes.
SUCH a mood! I'm not saying I can't do it.... I'm saying that you need to take into account the fact that it's going to take me a week's worth of time and energy to do so
i have the same issue as a college student in regards to my homework. no one knows how much effort it takes me to get that a, even in a class I'm good at
One of the issues I've had is that hard things are often easy for me, but easy things can be nearly impossible without support.
@@SmallSpoonBrigade Yeah, I can do things other people think are "hard" without much difficulty (and then everyone thinks I'm super smart), but the easy things I have no clue, and you can't get any support on those!
Yep, saw a meme that is my mantra with laundry. Washing:30 mins, Drying:45 mins, Folding and putting away, 7-10 business days. It’s so hard for me to make an assessment of where everything should go and how to fit it in in appropriate categories so I can find everything.
As a 34-year-old male who was diagnosed with ADHD, living with parents who don't believe that ADHD is a real disorder, I find these videos to be comforting and informative.
That's a nightmare. 🥺
Ugh; I'm sorry 😞
33 year old female.. Same situation.
Really? It's 2022, I am shocked and I grieve with you. I'm 34 and I know it's such a neverending struggle
I can relate, that was me back in 2015.
That first one. I get SO MUCH done when I have someone just with me, even if they aren't helping much physically. The moral support helps get me going.
#2 explains my K-12 years so well! Sometimes I wondered whether I deserved my decent grades in school, since I was rumored to "never pay attention" in class, and would subsequently spend almost the entire rest of each day, from the end of the school day to late at night, NOT doing my homework. Instead of doing my homework, I was sitting in front of my homework, looking at it and wishing I weren't so lazy (often while my neurotypical, higher-functioning sister got to use the TV and computer). It took me a little while as an adult to figure out that maybe I did deserve to relax on purpose sometimes! It took me even longer to realize that maybe I DID earn my school successes fair and square, even if my effort didn't look like effort in the conventional sense. My entire life revolved around my schoolwork for over a decade, and even afterward in college. I felt so exhausted by the time I graduated, and then I wasn't clear on what to do with myself!
In retrospect, I think my biggest regret about my academic experience was caring so much. Getting good grades and earning a degree were so central to my self-worth at the time, but I don't even USE the degree and no one cares what my childhood report cards looked like. If I tried to have any of it written on my tombstone, the cemetery-goers would just roll their eyes! I wish I could take the time back and invest it in something more personally meaningful to me.
That got way off topic, I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry for writing something up that gave me and probably many others a lot of comfort
Thank you for this! It makes me feel not alone and helps me remember to give my self to relax and maybe do art because I haven’t had the time because of homework
I find a lot of value in your comment and I appreciate that you took the time to post.
Love this. Thank you
My youngest son (now 27) was diagnosed with ADHD when he was in 2nd grade. We were fortunate that his Dr helped with behavior tips for him by speaking directly to him. He was able to learn how to deal with ADHD because of this. It helped that I also did a lot of research. I learned that I couldn't simply tell him to go clean his room. A daunting task. But I instead told him to pick up his clothes, then we'd move on to another area that needed to be done (pick up toys or put away clean clothes). The first time I told him to clean his room, I found him sitting on his floor an hour later, nothing done. He didn't know where to start. Now he laughs at me (as in, he knows the struggle) as I too have ADHD and was never diagnosed when I was younger.
Yeah, it's like telling someone to make a dish they've never heard of and not giving them a recipe. They're gonna struggle.
I love this story! I wasn’t diagnosed until 39 and see some of the same struggles in one of my kids. I asked them to focus on picking up one thing at a time and it’s a really great idea. For some reason it never occurred to me to try this until a couple weeks ago. I made so much progress when I went through a list of specific things to focus on.
I like to clean things in "zones" and "corners". I have a reminder on my phone to clean a corner in my bedroom once a month. By only focusing on the worst area that can be cleaned in the time/motivation available, it keeps the overwhelm down and turns it into a positive experience.
I only got diagnosed at like age 30 but it's really interesting how many of these strategies I had independently worked out because they, well, work
That's why something like "do taxes" is not a helpful thing to write on a to do list. It's too vague and doesn't have a clear path or end goal. Like you said we need to break tasks into manageable steps.
7:39 "Everyone struggles with this." - This can also fuel our imposter syndrome about whether we have ADHD or not. Particulary when we first discover the possibility of having ADHD. We've found an explanation for why we struggle with some things more than everyone else seems to, and this gives us hope. But if "everyone struggles with that", then maybe we are wrong, and we are just a bad person.
THIS
Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you
My dad CLEARLY has undiagnosed anxiety but I didn’t realize that until college. Every time I would tell him about getting panic attacks during public speaking or whatever he would tell me “everyone gets that and it’s good actually because adrenaline helps your body perform well under stress.” Like MY MAN THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU TELL A MIDDLE SCHOOLER
@kt oof, what your dad said is also a pretty ADHD thing to say. My final “aha” moment with ADHD was when I realized how hard I had leaned on adrenaline to keep me going and clear my head, and deal with a job that involved too much pressure. Unfortunately, adrenaline has a lot of uses, and as near as I can tell, leaning on it that hard worsened my fight or flight problems...and fight or flight suppresses your executive function. I think there was also some recent CPTSD involved, but in any case I’ve been struggling to control my adrenals for a while now.
A classmate at uni once said she "understood completely what I meant" when I talked about pressuring yourself, putting too high standards for yourself and not feeling good enough. She was "fighting the same thing". Difference is she was leading a perfectly normal life, and I had been a self-destructive anorexic who'd been inpatient for years. If everyone was fighting the same thing I was - why did they succeed and I fail? It's horrible to hear from healthy people comments like "I know what you mean" when you talk about severe mental illness. If they experience the same - how can they function? I fight so hard to just be alive, and they are successful.
We're obviously NOT fighting the same thing, or at least not to the same degree. Rather say you can imagine my struggles, not that you have them too, because you simply don't.
My mom and I both have ADHD, and in terms of the "finishing an assignment" and "making a system" things she told me about a useful system for preparing to work on something, so I'm gonna repeat it here for anyone who wants to try it!
The quick version:
1. set up whatever you're going to work on.
2. leave your work where it is, grab something to eat and/or drink, then go do something else for a bit to clear your mind.
3. come back to your work feeling at least a little refreshed, and start working.
4. Take breaks as you need them, and if it works for you, you can rinse and repeat these steps to get back in the groove better.
The longer version:
1. pick a spot that you feel comfortable working in that doesn't have very many options for getting distracted, and set up your workspace with whatever you need.
2. Leave your workspace and grab something to eat and/or drink. If you're not feeling particularly hungry for whatever reason, at least get something that you can snack on a little at a time, like a bag of cereal.
2.5. Don't go back to your workspace just yet, instead, go and do something else for a while that relaxes you and clears your head. I strongly suggest setting up a timer for this.
3. Go back to your workspace hopefully feeling refreshed and ready to start working, then get to doing the work.
4. Take breaks as you need them, if you want to and/or if it works for you, then you can basically rinse and repeat these steps as many times as you need in your work process.
I just retired from teaching after 37 years. I know I was a good teacher and students and parents loved me, but I always struggled to keep my classroom and desk looking the way others wanted. The worst thing was when I would have a substitute and they would “organize” my desk or classroom. I know they thought they were helping, but first of all, I could not find things for days afterward. And it always felt terrible because I felt judged.
wtf kind of AUDACITY does a mere sub have to change things in the permanent teacher's space ???
I rely HEAVILY on visual cues. I learned, even before I was diagnosed at 14, that I needed to leave strategically-placed bread crumbs for myself to remember a lot of things.
I got "diagnosed" with what my therapist at the time called "Hansel and Gretel syndrome".
Like a fun scavenger hunt! I can’t build this habit because my father hates “messes”
@@emilybelzer5773 Omg that's hilarious and so accurate 😂
"Why is this thing here?" Put it away - "OH! THAT!"
Yes! I have to leave things out to remember that's next. A small example: I tell my sons to leave our laundry bin just outside the laundry room door so I see it and remember to check it/put it in the dryer/etc or to tell them to do it. I need to "run into it" to remember it's still a thing I have to get to.
#2. Is so important for educators. I see educators trying to help by forcing students to finish something that “should” take ten minutes… But it is taking them 30-40, and they just keep trying to get them to finish before doing anything else. The student misses out on other things, whether fun things or instructional time, and gets frustrated. Often then the student will start misbehaving or will finish the assignment poorly just to be done and get to leave.
In high school, I did my homework sitting on my bed with music playing and a comic book so I could read a couple pages of comics after every math problem/paragraph/chapter section/whatever. I completed 7 AP classes in 2 years with 5 A’s and 2 B’s that way, so… 🤷♀️
@misspatvandriverlady7555 Can you tell me how you are able to self motivate. As a parent, I get so stressed asking my boy repeatedly to get working on his homework. I wish he would just get it done so we could get it over with and relax together. But he always says he will do it after he has a snack, after he has a break, after he has a shower, etc. I told him that I want to be available to help, but that's not right before bed. If I force him to sit down and do it while I prepare dinner because we have to go out later or something, it is pure torture for both of us. Any ideas for me?
I'm not diagnosed with ADHD but this still helps me not only by understanding myself but learning how to be more compassionate towards other people. Thank you
Plus who has the time to get diagnosed anyway. Do I really need to see a doctor so they can tell me i have a bloody nose?
@@arcguardianadhd isn’t as simple as having a bloody nose. 🙄
The "Everyone struggles with this" one is big for me... Yeah, everyone struggles with it, but I feel like I'm the only one that's bashing my head against the wall repeatedly trying to just barely manage it some of the time. I'm not everyone. Thank you!
Yeah it's as bad as when people say that something "triggers their OCD" just because something isn't in order. That completely invalidates people who actually have OCD.
I hear you, loud and clear!
I've just started telling people to their face that comparing their occasional forgetfulness or whatever to my life altering neurological condition is not only inaccurate but incredibly offensive. The surprised Pikachu faces alone are worth it.
@@cullly someone once told me he wish he had OCD because it would make him more organized. My OCD was so severe that I couldn't take care of myself, leave the house or even eat. I think he would reconsider his wishes if I told him what OCD really is.
@@DT_1605 That sucks. I don't have OCD, but I think I can relate in a different way. I am Autistic and people often say they wish they were autistic so they could be some super savant. That's not how it works. Same with ADHD. People often say they are a little ADHD because they are forgetful and wish they had the super-focus of ADHD. That's not as good as it sounds either. We don't get to choose what to hyperfocus on.
Practice #2 -- Forcing the work to be done before leisure time is allowed -- cost me my entire childhood from age 9 onward. If you have an ADHD kid, NEVER EVER **EVER** DO THIS. They will end up miserable and socially isolated with the worst study habits you could ever hope for
You just explained my childhood😅
Me too!!! My parents had no idea how traumatic this was for me and I still punish myself this way as an adult, because I’ve got those “You’ve got to do this before you have any fun!” voices in my head.
My entire elementary homework experience was spent sitting at my desk in my bedroom staring at the wall.
My mother did this to me, found myself doing the same to my son from 1st-5th grade. COVID lockdown made me see that, and change that. Spending a whole year being my son's 'teacher'/'secretary' for remote work was simply magical, and gave me insight I was missing with my son.
Now we have our own system that works, my son could not be happier, and in his eyes (thankfully even at 13) I am the coolest dad ever. My son is my pride and joy, and it sucks that I went through hard times, but I am grateful for it because learning the tools for myself let me use them for my son.
But what to do instead??? Because as a kid i wouldnt have done it if i could have avoided it
The to-do list stalking you was HILARIOUS, but also a great way to show how it feels. The guilt when I remember my abandoned to-dos throughout the day makes me panic for a second each time it pops back up in my brain!
Telling someone it is easy can also be demotivating. Many of us are motivated by the challenge of a task. Easier tasks are mindless and difficult to engage with.
Like doing dishes, laundry etc
Yeah! People should help us in stead of saying it’s easy
It’s so easy but somehow I take 3x longer than a normal person to do this easy task? This happens and they still have the audacity to talk about how easy it is
Good point.
@@coracarlson2746should is the wrong word here. Should has nothing to do with it, and it's a double edged sword, so don't use it unless ur willing to get cut by it.
Now i need an adhd gothic horror movie. Haunted by the to-do list, constantly looking around like you vaguely forgot something, spend the whole movie searching for your missing planner...i can feel the dread!
I can feel the audience yelling "the keys are in your hand!"
I love this!!! 😂❤
😂😂😂 I actually
Lol’d out loud ❤
The part about being sat down until it's finished hit me close to home. I had a teacher make me finish my spelling work for the whole term, in the classroom, while they had a Class Christmas Party. It was a punishment for not finishing my spelling work for the term. I didn't even get it finished before the party was over. I remember being upset to the point where I didn't even want to go to school anymore.
My mum had untreated ADHD growing up and my grandparents were very much the "you will sit at the table until it's done" type (quite abusive, unfortunately). She obviously didn't want to put me through the trauma she went through but I do remember a few times, out of desperation, her trying to make me sit down and do it before I was allowed to do other things. She quickly realised it didn't work because a "simple" or "quick" homework task that should've taken 20 minutes would end with me sitting there for like, 2 hours and still not finishing it no matter how many privileges she tried to take away, but yeah omg it's the WORST feeling.
@@JemimaDoesASMR It's hard too because people who try that tactic really are trying to help, they just dont realize how much it doesnt work.
When my daughter was in the first grade, her teacher told me that everyone was outside at recess while my daughter was still deciding which pencil to use! Hurt our feelings.
@@geoffreynolds3157 That class Christmas party story is appalling! That is straight-up cruel, and I can understand why you wouldn't want to go back for more! I'm sorry you went through that!
It's very cool that despite an experience like that you're somene who can recognize that sometimes when people push ineffective tactics they really are trying to help. That is gracious and wise. ❤
@@bellaluce7088 It took a long time to understand and not hold resentment. Two years of therapy and lots of self reflection.
The “doing what works for you, not them” is so right, especially when it’s a teacher forcing you to structure yourself in a way that they think would be best for simultaneously every student in the class (often justified with unnecessary “notebook checks).
These are *my* notes made for *me* to study. Why should I organize them in a way that works for you when you won’t ever need to read them?
DUCKIN REAL
That's hella intrusive never had a teacher look at my personal study notes
I wish I could go back 30 years and show this channel to my parents and teachers.
I hope you realize how much you're helping people. I'm 63 and just now in the process of getting diagnosed. ADHD explains pretty much every problem, difficulty and catastrophes in my life.
I was diagnosed at 33. I can imagine how you feel ❤️
Something my boyfriend used to do when he was visiting for organizing and my house was in depression mode would be to clean but leave stuff in view (fold clothes that were in piles and leave the piles). This was weirdly helpful but only worked for me because we were really close and I trusted him.
I can totally see this working. Although I will admit I don’t entirely mind playing “where would they think to put this” a bit, I know my partner well enough that if something isn’t in the right place I can usually get it on the first guess if I stop to think.
A whole house cleanup wouldn’t make my brain explode, I’m talking like they put a few things away from the dishwasher while I’m cooking.
That is honestly so sweet.
Aww so supportive.
My ex has significant sensory needs that are often at odds with my ADHD needs. So one thing that irritated both of us was that I would put something I needed to remember to take with me to work on the dining table - in view so I wouldn't forget. But that's visually overstimulating for my ex. Their solution was to "put it away" AKA hide it somewhere. Anywhere out of view. And I would always be rushing out the door at the last possible moment, discover my teaching textbook was GONE and would freak out. Sigh, the fun times we had... Lol
There are very few people I trust to organize my stuff, and I know it's cause they won't throw anything out, even if they think it's garbage
This video was so validating!! I believe I have undiagnosed ADHD and I'm 38. My house can become a cluttered mess in a very short amount of time. I also have chronic illness and chronic pain. My mom has always attributed this "mess" to my illness but it's really probably ADHD. She has suggested that I hire her cleaning lady to come in and help with the house work. However the idea of having a stranger coming in my house moving stuff around fills me with panic and dread.
Do you think minimalism might help you? Just own much less things to keep sorted? I sure have that urge.
Good luck on your way! Love :)
I hate when I'm sharing a house or living space with someone who decides to "organize" stuff. Also, when moving from one place to a city far away, some people "help" by mixing unrelated things together.
@@NotaNazgul Depends on the person. I would hate the idea of "minimalism" As an artist, science nerd, tinkerer, 3D modeler, photographer, someone who likes to do things and follow up decades later, I like to keep odd little things, half finished projects, stuff from long ago. Some piece I remember from 25 years ago might be just right to fit in my latest whatever, or make an interesting object to test a new macro lens. Also, I like to put a project aside for a bit to work on another. Like the lady says, not one long session but break it up into chunks. Cycling between projects. Some projects span decades, like this one mathematical invention I'm only now making a video on, but originated in the 1980s. Plenty of stuff, with enough shelves and boxes, is good!
Which reminds me of another "Don't Help ADHD Brains This Way" tip - don't toss out a tinkerer's "junk box". Odd plastic bits, electronic parts, pieces of sting or cloth, whatever. What I've seen too many times and sometimes suffer myself is that a man is into photography, making electronics projects, making artsy videos, tinkering with machines, etc. but has a girlfriend or wife who thinks junk boxes are junk, and tosses them. Should be a felony!
Just saw this video and read your comment, and I thought you might like to know that having a cleaning lady is actually what keeps me on track for having a tidy house. In the 2 weeks between her visits it gets really cluttered and sad but the night before she shows up I spend the 2 hours to tidy, then she just deals with the vacuuming and wiping down surfaces. I guess it depends on the cleaning lady but mine never touches my stuff and her visits keep my house tidier than if she weren't coming.
Hmm. I imagine that if you were to have people come regularly, you could agree on what goes where, and about stuff (like in the video) that mustn't be "tidied up" no matter what , but I understand how you feel. I'm not sure I'd want people "going through" my things either.
That thing about doing the easy tasks first is just SO DAMN TRUE. I need easy tasks to get into things. Then I can eventually do the hard task when I am motivated enough and then it's either that I need to do more easy tasks after it (meaning putting the hard task in the middle) or I feel completely exhausted from the big task and can't do much after it anymore. But if it's easy stuff it's usually not a high priority anyway so I can just do it later after a break. I always hated it when people told me to do the most difficult task first. It seemed logical but it never worked for me.
If I get a bunch of easy tasks done, it makes me feel good and productive, and like maybe I really can try to take on that hard task! We have to peck and nibble away at tasks; we can’t swallow them whole. We choke! 😳
That last one about people saying "it's so easy" drives me into a blind rage. Even my dad (who also has ADHD) uses that line, because he never knew anyone else with ADHD and still tends to assume that my brain works exactly the same way as his. If someone you know is having trouble with something that you find easy, regardless of whether it's physical or mental, that is just about the rudest response I can think of.
This isn’t exclusive to ADHD either, it’s so annoying when someone says it’s easy or acts like you’re dumb for not understanding something that they already know.
@@_LunarDragon
None of this is exclusive to ADHD.
@Lunar Dragon its not the same thing- you're talking about people being condescending about what you don't know. With ADHD you can know what to do but for a variety of reasons cannot do it or cannot do it easily. Usually because you are overwhelmed and can't think
@@AZ-kr6ff maybe you should be tested for adhd
@@mistiroberts1576
I don't need to be tested.
Legitimately, whenever someone says "it's easy!" My response is "Oh no. This is going to be a super hard task because I won't be able to find guidance on how to do it. Because most likely no one thought it was worth breaking it down into its component parts or offer explanations."
Yup
right! you feel like you can't ask for help because people think it goes without saying type thing 😅😔
Regardless of whether you missed something or not, this was spot on for me. My partner of 11 years won't stop moving my stuff, and what makes it worse is he hardly ever remembers where he put it. So now I can't do the thing I had motivated myself to do without first hunting for it, which, as you probably guessed already, has now destroyed that motivation entirely. Anyway, I thank you for this because I do often feel like everything is my fault.
The constant asking me if I have done something yet is so real for me! It is so incredibly stressful and it just makes me want to it less for some reason. I appreciate the reminders though, because I recognize that those people just want to help me succeed, but I always feel like I'm stressing them out and letting them down
We are so proud to be working with you, Jessica. Your work for the ADHD community is amazing and we're glad we can be a small part of that ❤
SO grateful for all your support, of both the channel and my fitness!!
Actually "how long will it take you to get this done?" triggers a freeze anxiety reaction in me because I never seem to correctly gauge how long anything takes. I'd rather just be given a new deadline than try to come up with one then feel shame if I guess wrong. It always feels like I'm guessing when asked that.
I feel like a good option is saying, "Would you be able to have it done by X, or is a different timeframe better?"
#5
"Oh, everyone feels that way/struggles with that."
Sometimes, this comes in less obvious ways and can come from people with good intentions. My mom, when I tried explaining to her my struggles with Motivation and Consistency, came back and said "Kelcie, You're not Broken". Never once had I thought I was broken, and not once did I voice that I felt that way. So, instead of being helpful or encouraging, or even an attempt to push away thoughts I 'might have' about myself, it flared my Anxiety and lead me down the path of "I never said I was... But do You actually think I am? Otherwise, why say that?" But my Rejection Sensitivity kept me from talking that out with her and, since then, I haven't confided in my mom about my struggles.
I know she loves me and wants the world for me, but sometimes things meant to be uplifting end up becoming what weighs me down.
Yeah, pretty sure my mother just sees me as broken these days. Not sure that’s an improvement over stubborn, immature, and/or “just like (my) father”. Whatever, she’s not the one who has to live my life, I am! 😒🤷♀️😮💨
That bonus one is so important, I've tried so hard to explain that to my parents. I have a terrible problem with skipping things on my to do list, if for any reason I think X needs to be done first and I don't have enough brainpower to do X then ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE IS GETTING DONE. Like... sometimes I don't do the laundry because I have to do homework, and they are like HOW ARE THOSE TWO RELATED?! and I'm just like, I just have to that first because my brain is stuck there. So it takes me forever to do my homework and by the time I am done it's too late to do the laundry (I live in an apartment and need to use a comunal laundry room that has rules on what times it can be used.)
Me being reminded about my laundry I meant to start 12 hours ago while reading your comment 🏃♀️
oh, hi, I'm not sleeping rn cause I can't sleep until I do my German homework ( :
and also because my hair is still drying from the shower that got delayed multiple hours by the same homework, and also P E O P L E
Oml, sorting a to-do-list is so hard for me, too. I don’t have ADHD (I think), but I have to work through it top to bottom or I get twitchy. Meaning that I have to sort by priorities as well as fast/long.
The only tip I have so far is leaving lots of space between entries, so you can squish in some other stuff you only remembered while working on the list. F. e. squishing „dishwasher“ in between „homework“ and „laundry“ because I happened to notice the stack of dirty plates on top of it. 🤷♀️
@@ArDeeMee my "to do list" is not an actual physical list so the problem is much more harder to solve. It doesn't matter what order things are actually written in if my brain is convinced that the most important thing right now is homework, nothing else gets done until the homework is done because I can't make myself focus on anything else except what my brain has decided is the top priority.
@@zelim9514 Ah, I see. My husband is the one with ADHD in our house, and he is (mostly) good at lists. The only thing I can think of right now is setting a timer, but you‘ve probably already tried that…
or setting an appointment in your calendar app two hours in the future with lots of exclamation marks. „TAKE OUT TRASH !!!!!!!!“
But that’s mostly meant as a joke. ^^;
This is painfully relevant for me right now and my parents have been doing the worst end of the unhelpful things here to me for over a decade and just berate me when i break these things down for them and insist they know how it works. i cried watching this
These things are incredibly common & really are people trying to help…I hope they can watch and get ideas for what might work better instead! ❤️
I hope you feel better.
I hear you that's hard and very frustrating. I feel that way alot too
Hugs
This comment sums up My entire childhood, teens and tweens😬😅
I’m new here, love your videos. I’m 13 but I have adhd and my parents don’t believe it’s real (even though it’s been diagnosed by a doctor)
Aw that’s so hard…are they willing to learn about it? There’s a lot more research on it now than there used to be!
Wow that's so sad. 😔 Hope u manage to get the help and support u need.
Jeah that is no fun to deal with. I am in the prosess of getting diagnosed and my parents just laught it of.
How!? It’s the number one thing affecting children in the world
My parents didn't believe it was real either but I'm 35 now and just got diagnosed yesterday. It IS VERY real. My kids have it and me getting diagnosed will help me help them with their struggles. I support you too kiddo I don't know 😊
I felt this. Especially on the task list. I like the idea of a running start before going to the hard stuff.
I felt so frustrated when my folks were telling me to declutter my house. Like as if I didn’t already know that I had to do it. Telling me an observation without providing a solution is part of the problem. It doesn’t make me suddenly declutter my house when they tell me. It actually does the opposite. 😅
I have the same thing from one of my brothers. He thinks he's helping me.
A good first step is to throw out stuff you are at least 99% sure just needs thrown out. Much easier than sorting and organizing the remaining stuff! 😅
Extreme example of the "out of sight, out of mind" principle: I once traveled to Guatemala with a BORROWED guitar. We had an early flight out and I knew that I wouldn't be thinking clearly that morning. As part of my process the night before we left, I put everything I needed to remember out at the foot of my bed, including the guitar. Without my knowledge, my roommate "helped" by tucking the guitar out of the way, between the bed and the wall. The following morning, knowing I had put everything I needed in one zone, I didn't bother thinking about the specific things I needed to grab. Instead, I grabbed everything from the "my stuff is here" location I had already set up for myself. I did a quick glance around the room for completion, but didn't look behind any furniture, as I had already completed that step the day before. I didn't remember the guitar even existed, until I got to the airport. I can't even describe to you how much I hated myself for this, and I will never borrow anything from anyone when I travel, ever again.
Another helpful idea for both “get it done whenever” and “eat the frog” is to ask “what is actually achievable?”. If we can’t handle the big scary task with the ominous looming deadline, identifying a smaller component that we can do right now can go a long way.
I believe this is referred to as the snowball method.
Yeah i found this out when doing homework that it was a lot easier to start if i told myself i only needed to do one problem first and then i could take a break. Most of the time though i would get into the rhythm of it and do more anyway so it helped a lot
Instead of eat the frog, dissect the frog? Today we will remove the eyeballs... tomorrow we will learn how to make eyeball stew. LOL (not the greatest analogy for animal lovers...)
I completely agree with this. I also particularly struggle with lists. It's a weird paradox where if a list only has a few items on it, I think "these can wait until later" but as soon as any more items are added to the list, the list becomes overwhelming.
are you me? this is the most relatable thing I’ve ever read
I cannot tell you how many times my mom gave me the "swallow the frog" advice growing up. She had the best of intentions (and I wasn't diagnosed until grad school), but it always made me more frustrated at her for not getting it. It also made me frustrated at myself for not being able to do what I needed to do.
I can get soooo much done when I have a big to-do I'm avoiding. Because I don't feel bad about doing stuff that feels 'productive/necessary' when I'm actually procrastinating. So it's often counterproductive to eat the frog - that's what was motivating me to get the other stuff done! But sometimes I do have to do this one super important task. And honestly? If it's really that awful? That's literally the only productive thing I'll do that day (aside from completely necessary non-delayable stuff like feeding my dog)
I was unmedicated and undiagnosed my whole life. Just recently got on some ADHD medication at 43, and it makes a huge difference. I have exes who used to excoriate me for leaving "trails" and "clutter" everywhere. They'd clean up, and I'd never find the stuff I was looking for again.
Add on to cleaning: if you share a space with someone with ADHD it can be helpful if you are good about keeping your space tidy, that way when the ADHD person does go to tidy or find something, there is less to sort through. My partner and I have “pick up apartment” on the chore schedule once a week, he very kindly does the pick up of his stuff first and I do mine second.
That’s…brilliant.
I love this! The last place I lived with other people, common spaces would get really messy pretty often, so I'd go into the kitchen for example to clean up my share but end up either not knowing what was mine or having to clean other people's stuff first. Which is enough extra effort to dissuade me from cleaning in the first place. I live on my own now which feels a lot better but definitely gonna try to remember this if I live with someone in the future.
I just realized I have ADHD after years of people jokingly telling me. I didn't know what it actually was and thought my brain was just broken because I'm an addict. I've been clean for nine years but I just assumed I'd always be terrible at being an adult. I have been crying for a week because I am 37 and knowing how my life could have been different is just so freaking sad. I am excited that I know now and instead of failing to be like everyone else I can set up my life for my brain. The sense of relief in that thought is amazing. I quit my job 3 months ago to focus on homesteading and I luckily have my husband who decided a long time ago its worth putting up with me. I really appreciate your videos and looking forward to joining the community.
I've read a lot about the science of addiction, and part of the reason that undiagnosed neurodivergents (ADHD and asd people, for instance) are attracted to substance abuse is because it's inherently self-medication, often the most accessible way to cope with an already deregulated and overstimulating world. You were never broken, you just lost control of a coping mechanism and finding healthier ways to fill your needs should in fact remove any lingering desire for that coping mechanism. I apologize for my impolite words, especially if it is off-track for your needs, but I chose to tell you even if you already knew because there's a small possibility that this knowledge will help you a lot, and if not you, then surely someone you know, and maybe also someone who scrolls through the comment section and sees it by chance.
Welcome🤗. I too was late diagnosed as an adult.
I just need to tell you how much my life has changed because of your videos. I have been diagnosed with so many different things other than ADHD and they never felt right. Since seeing your videos, I know its ADHD. I have implemented alot of things you have talked about for managing it and the difference is astounding. I now have a really healthy relationship with better communication than I have ever had because I am able to identify what is going on. I showed my mom your videos and our relationship has improved SO much. I am getting ready to make an appointment for it and for once I feel like I can do it. So just thank you because before you I was spiraling.
Hard YES on number three!
It drove me crazy when I'd meet ADHD students whose teachers took this approach! Essentially the kids' new deadline became when grades are due. So they had this ever-growing pile of doom that they had no way of ever getting done!
My recommendation for teachers: extra reminders and/or chunking. And MAYBE be a little lenient if they don't meet deadlines.
The first one hits so hard. My fiancee cleans the bathroom counter and moves my medications around to organize them. They are objectively better organized and I am grateful that she's attentive to the bathroom, but every time, without fail, I forget to take my inhaler for several days because it just isn't there.
They are not objectively better organized if the organization method doesn't work.
Brain surgeons don't arrange their tools in alphabetical order, but by the practical order in which they will be used, or the order they are most habitually accustomed to. A nurse "fixing" the situation by arranging them alphabetically would be acting kind of dumb.
The "correct" way for things to be organized is solely based on which way *works* . Not which way someone thinks it *should* work.
Your fiancée is in a committed relationship with you. If they aren't willing to accept the reality of how your brain operates, that's their fault. I'm not saying you need to fight about it, but it seems there is room for a serious heart-to-heart on the issue. Especially as it effects your health. Which is more important to them: being "right," or you getting your medication reliably?
The "shoulds" simply work differently with people with disorders. The others around us need to realize their "shoulds" aren't always going to work in the reality of our situation, and learn to be okay with that.
@@jameswoodard4304 Boy, I love UA-cam commenters who think their contextless opinion about someone else's relationship matters even the slightest. Sod off.
@@mjs3188 ,
Was I incorrect or are you just offended on principle after someone dared to respond to the personal info you decided to freely share with the internet?
Either way, sorry, no offense was meant (for what little that's worth). Sodding off.
Fun fact: storage organisation has no objectively perfect... well organisation, and that's mathematically proven
Saaaaaame here dude! My poor husband is a Virgo and is painfully neat. Everytime he deep cleans, I lose things. I couldn't find my good scissors for weeks because he took them off the pot pegboard and put them in the junk drawer instead...which made me late to wrapping presents because I needed those scissors and and and and... It's taken 5 years for both of us to remember (most of the time) that if he moves my things into an organizational way that makes sense to him- he has to show me. It's not enough to tell me where he put it- he's got to show me.
The frog one is so true. I’ve only recently found that if I “procrastinate” with tasks that are more fun/easier then I can use the deadline or sudden motivation to get the hard task done. If I start with the hard task then I don’t do anything and start falling behind.
I had only recently been diagnosed. Only 2 years ago. I am 37 now. I had no idea how to manage my life or how others could help me. There are so many things in here that i never realized were from my adhd. I always hated when someone else cleaned something for me because i wouldn't know where everything was. Or more recently, my coworker has been lazier, and because of this, I had to slow down my process, which leaves me bored and unable to stay focused on the task.
I hate that I am just now being made aware of these things that I wish I knew when I was younger. I probably wouldn't have been fired from so many jobs or treated like I was stupid and incappable to do anything.
The part where you look like youre enjoying yourself learning piano but the creeping music and lighting make it feel like something will get you any second is EXACTLY how 'procrastination' feels when your executive function won't let you do it. The task is there constantly lurking constantly on the edge of perception with building terror
Jessica, you again rock! I just officially diagnosed with ADHD yesterday by a psychiatrist at 35 yrs old. I'm being put on Ritalin and with my 15 yr old son having ADHD as well, we got each other's backs as we struggle with it. Our curse and superpower gift. This video was helpful
OMG thats so wholesome 😊
Welcome to the club! : )
I am the same age and just diagnosed about month from now ,
I hope you and your son the best and believe in yourself
Ritalin made me angry. Adderall works better for me.
I was diagnosed ADD/ADHD in elementary, now both my kids have it as well. So I've taught them the skills I've used to manage Neurodivergent life and they are doing better than I did at that age. In short, ADHD parents are better suited to raise ADHD children be they know what it's like.
Doing the easiest tasks first has been actually life changing for me. Learning that it's okay if I start with the easier things, that the harder things will be less hard once I'm already going - that takes care of a huge hurdle!
My favorite part of easy things first?? If my motivation flags, HEY I GOT SOMETHING DONE. Yay me!
@@petercibulskis Yes! That's the biggest thing to overcome, really. Acknowledging that something is better than nothing and if I start on the hard task, I might end up doing nothing.
The "Everyone struggles with this" point has probably been the most detrimental one of all to me. Exactly because of the reasons you listed. This is one I have been dealing with currently, so it really speaks to me, and I am relieved to hear it is just as hurtful to other people with ADHD and I'm not just being a sub-par human being. My partner once said to me years ago "How do you eat a frog?" I didn't know. He said "One bite at a time". That helped me a lot because at that point I was literally living from minute to minute just trying to hold on for dear life after a traumatic event. I'm not doing awesomely yet, but it's been 7.5 years since then, and I am finally starting to feel like I am truly healing. Thank you for all your videos, it's been helpful beyond words and incredibly eye-opening. You have made me feel supported and so far less isolated, which is not something I find in very many places.
I really appreciate how you first try to validate what the person may be trying to do, and then go in with the explanation of why that may not be the best route.
Organizing things away to a place I don't know without telling me is the same as hiding it.
Imagine hiding someone elses important stuff! Why would you do that to anyone?!
My partner has learned to consult with me before tidying anything, because I go ballistic when suddenly I don't know where anything is. One time he put the iron away in a corner, under some linens, which I think would count as hidden from anybody, NT or ADHD! I couldn't find it and nothing got ironed for months...
This is probably why I automatically refuse to move anything that isn't mine unless I either know exactly where the person/people in charge of it want it to be, or move it a small amount but still have it easily visible from the exact same place, preferably at a similar height and direction. My mom is almost certainly also ADHD and growing up, I very much learned not to move other peoples stuff unless absolutely necessary. And if you did have to, to put it in a place specifically for them to reorganize as they chose, and TELL THEM that you did so asap.
A narcissist (of the true definition type) lived in my home for nigh on 10 years and knew that moving, and even hiding, my stuff would cause a melt-down. So glad for everyday he's out of my life. I didn't need 'applied cruelty' added into the mix.
I’m over here trying to get work done and i’m struggling. And then you mentioning trying to eat the frog and how strong motivation is to help us, made me cry as it made me realize that’s why I’m struggling right now. Thanks for your videos, they have always helped me feel less alone and understand myself better. Thank you
Yes!! Something I’ve learned: if something doesn’t feel doable, it’s too big. Choose something smaller, or break that thing down into smaller first steps
I, as someone without adhd and generally pretty motivated, do like to eat the frog. But when motivation is down and I have a list of things to do, I find the most remotivating thing is having a shorter list! I can totally understand that doing the worst bit first and not even having the reward of being done is not encouraging 😅 We believe in you, Austin!! Do whatever feels best for you!
The 4th one my mom would do ALL the time when I was a kid. She would insist that I do something her way because it worked for her. Then get offended when I tried to explain that it didn't work for me, because she took that as implying that she didn't know what she was talking about. "I've been doing this so much longer than you, what makes you think you know how to do it better than me?"
Breaks
We've got difficulties with going from one situation to another. This is how we get in the mood for the next situation.
I'm so glad you included #6! For me, knocking some easy tasks off my to do list gives me motivation to keep going, it's really satisfying to see the list get shorter
Same!
This video made me realize that I set my own self up for failure sometimes by telling myself I need to do things a certain way or in a certain order. It definitely stems from advice from family, friends, classes, etc. growing up. I spent the majority of week days after high school just sitting at my dinning room table from the time I got home from school, late into the night and that's just the way it was - I couldn't do anything until I finished my homework which never got done at a reasonable hour.
You have no idea how much I relate
Thank You! I just realized something about myself-
I've always said, "I do my best work under tight deadlines". And I do, except now after years & years of unconsciously waiting until the last minute to do the most important task, my stress level has taken over my whole life. Now I see a reason why I'm at this point, and thank you for suggesting a reorganization/time line of the Order in which things should be done. 😊
On a positive note: I'm still proud of the fact I can do great things when put under pressure of Deadlines. And at the same time realize I need to work on not putting the deadline on myself. 😃
(No more self sabotage)
It’s surprising how many of these are factual for me… and I am one who is in denial since diagnosis in 8th grade. Thank you for an insight into my habits and pet peeves that I never considered
Jessica, I'm a teacher with adult ADHD.
I really appreciate these videos. This one in particular is useful to me professionally. I might send this one to colleagues.
I would encourage you to partner with an ADHD organization to make some videos aimed directly at messaging to kids. Many will never get help from parents or teachers with their diagnosis.
We also need videos for teachers. So much is by NT people and very academic. You humanize things
Absolutely yes. Such a lot of content for educators is quite negative about ADHD - this channel brings so much positivity and empathy.
I just left a comment about being a teacher with adhd myself as well! I’m finding it really difficult to navigate and definitely wish I had/knew of more resources. The typical accommodations are just “more time” and “frequent reminders” but I feel like this video alone shows how that’s not the solution.
I'm a teacher too (and so far self-diagnosed with ADHD) and when I came up with the topic to supervisor they automatically assumed I'm now somewhat better engager for the ADHD kids... While quite the opposite is true. Would really love though for other ADHD teachers to share more experience or smth on how to cope work better and to be a better teacher.
This is a really good idea--i wonder, do these videos get served up on UA-cam Kids?
Oh, also, i meant to say, i love to hear teachers who know they have ADHD. So many more people are getting the diagnoses we should've had as kids. I recently talked with my older child's teacher about the possibility of getting them evaluated for it, and we were able to talk knowledgeably as a parent with ADHD and a teacher with ADHD about the characteristics we're seeing. 💖
I’m 48 and diagnosed with ADHD. Everything you mention is so relatable. I always feel seen when I watch your videos, so thank you.
Fr she's amazing such creativity n great expression
I didn't know they would still diagnose adults of our age. I should probably see someone
@@RecklessFables I vaguely remember an interview she had a while back with someone diagnosed at age 60 or something. And I have read comments on other videos from people getting diagnosed with ASD after turning 80.
It's never too late to get diagnosed, even if only to help identify the cause of some struggles. It is self-knowledge and thus one of the most valuable pursuits possible.
I was diagnosed at 58.
I really appreciated this video. I feel heard, understood and validated! My mom trained me growing up to put things where I will see them, and that usually means near the door, in my path so I can't avoid it, or hanging off of a doorknob so I remember to bring it with me somewhere. Unfortunately, my husband doesn't quite understand that, and he absolutely hates things on the floor. So it's a struggle to figure out how to put something where I will remember if it's not on the floor where I will trip over it, therefore I won't miss it.
Maybe you and your partner can agree on "clear floor areas" (the middle of the living room, his side of the bed...) and "reminder areas" (the entryway, your side of the bed ...)? Or would hooks over doorknobs (so you can´t open the door without touching the thing) work for you and bother him less?
This is so relatable! I craft using things I salvage from boxes and stuff that was shipped to the house. If I don't have a place for something but I still feel I can use it it's just on the floor until I finally put it in a good place!
You are not alone. My wife doesn't like things in the open because it feels like clutter to her. I need everything in the open or I forget about it, and she gets frustrated with me later because I forgot about it.
I’ve only been diagnosed since 2018, and I’ve also found out both of my kids (11F and 14M) have it. This was helpful to hear, because I often find myself parroting a lot of the unhelpful comments you mentioned, which were things I always heard while growing up. Things I also hear my parents say to my kids at times. Everyone makes me feel like I’m just making excuses for my kids when I try to explain their (our) struggles and approach them differently.
Hey, I just wanted to share, that thanks to your channel I started questioning whether or not I have ADHD a year ago. A few days ago, after a long and tedious process I finally got diagosed. Now I can take meds and get professional help, so thank you!
That’s amazing, thank you for sharing!! Hope you get the support you need to thrive 😊❤️
On the "do your homework before you can play" thing (well, the adult versions) I found that I typically run out of gas trying to do the work, and just decide to forgo the reward. This leads to reinforcing an "I can't" attitude, anxiety, and resentment toward whatever the task was. So the next time a similar task comes up, my wall of awful is that much higher and thicker than ever.
The other thing that totally doesn't work is lowering the work rate or slowing the pace. The problem is usually that the work is too boring to hold my attention, not that it is too difficult for me. So slowing the pace just makes it that much more boring...Making the job easier doesn't make it easier FOR ME TO DO.
Yesssss to the last one especially! I was in my mid-20s before I started to just let myself do the easy things first. It's crazy how much more I started getting done after I could clear half the things from my list/brain and use the increased momentum to do the rest!! 🤯
I generally don't like content that tells me how to ADHD. Maybe cause I got treated very early. Or maybe because I have inattentive not hyperactive. But this video made me feel seen and heard and actually made me tear up a bit.
I really like the focus on communication not steamrolling.
Great video. I've def shared it around.
For me, I find that ordering things by "flow" can help a lot... I break things into things that flow together or have a similar mindset, and then of those things the ones that I know are going to require the least mental energy go first, and the ones I know that will leave me mentally exhausted go last in that flow. it gives me strings of task I can build up with, and natural breaks after or sometimes I can even just jump into the next flow since it will be an easier thing. I liken it to walking up a hill and then climbing down a cliff, vs the reverse order
Yes, this helps me too! Also, I try and use the flows of my interests when possible (doing things when I'm in the mood for them). (It helps that I work freelance)
I feel often people try to make things easy to help, but doing hard things isn’t a problem. It’s just that I need to follow my process. I don’t feel better when something is just done. I feel better when it’s done the way I need it done.
One day in a burst of optimism after watching your video, I signed up with Co-Pilot. It's weird to thank someone for showing me a commercial, but I do thank you and I want to say that my physical activity has doubled in the last month. We're talking going from almost never getting up and moving, to taking a short walk and stretching almost every single day! This is a really big deal for me, so thanks! My coach's way of communicating is perfect for me, just the right balance of encouragement and accountability.
I am a 60 Yr old ADHD Father of 3, one of whom has an ADHD diagnosis of his own (and is now a father of 5). I’m only just beginning to understand my own condition. Raising him was a challenge because neither of us understood what was going on. These videos contain so many lightbulb moments. Thank you so much.
"Everyone struggles with that." I laugh when I hear that phrase because I usually suspect someone has ADHD when they say that. Usually when they relate to multiple things I struggle with, I ask them if they are ADHD.
A beautiful video I saw from a couple years ago about, "just eating the frog" is that people with ADHD will literally just sit there for HOURS staring at the frog, so NOTHING gets done, when it would have been ultimately better for them to procrastinate by doing other things rather than just sitting there.
I can get SO MUCH done when I'm avoiding doing something hard 😅 if I try to just sit and force myself, it usually doesn't work, but if I let myself do other stuff, at least I'm doing *some* things. And sometimes, I'll get into the right state of mind either through accomplishing other stuff, getting on a roll, or even just getting tired enough that I can sit down and focus.
One of the things I love about your channel is that you give relevant information and context. Like, you don’t just say “this is what people say and this is what you should say instead” but you go into
- the likely reasons for saying certain things
- the common reasons why the suggestions might be more helpful
- etc
Thank you 😁
Something my partner and I do for one another is after we tidy things up for each other, we'll write a list of things and where they are and show each other where we put everything.
Living together makes it necessary to tidy up after each other sometimes, and we find that doing this really helps the panic of where things have gone! :)
I never thought I had ADHD because I do so well in school and at work. Correction: I do well in subjects I'm interested in, and almost flunk subjects I don't care about and struggled to finish everything before the final deadline. I actively choose to work in jobs where there is constant pressure and deadlines so motivation is completely circumvented. At home, where there is much less pressure and the consequences are delayed, I struggle constantly, to the point I have serious doubts I could live alone long-term.
Every single thing in this video resonated with me.
I'm the opposite, I can't live with others because I have a specific way of doing, organizing things and I don't want others messing with my system
Getting a cleaning lady to come weekly is helpful to me, not only because she cleans, but because it gives my household a deadline for tidying up. Otherwise it would keep being pushed back
I'm the exact same.
In school i killed it on exams, but would lose a lot of grades from missed homework. I listened great during subjects I was interested in, i didn't know I had ADHD but I'd keep my distraction prone part of myself distracted by drawing on-going patterns on the spare whiteboard. Kinda like listening to work/focus music. Teachera didnt care cause i wasnt disrupting and I always proved I was listening. But I barely passed ones I wasn't interested in (Math, Chem).
If I have no deadlines or pressure I won't do it, so things like laundry and tidyness go out the window..
Best I can do with some activities or conversations i'm not into is find something no matter how small that is interesting, about the person or subject so i can pay attention.
I don't have ADHD but I'm autistic and sometimes your videos are too relatable in some way.
For example, "the everyone struggles with that" and the "that's easy" although it probably happens with a different set of problems.
There is a lot of overlap in terms of difficulties with executive function, sensory sensitivities, trouble fitting in…
ADHD, Autism Spectrum, and OCD seem to be the most common ones for people to say things like, "I'm a little OCD today," or "Sorry, I had an ADD moment there," or "Everyone's a little Autistic at times," etc.
No people in general aren't "a little" [insert disorder here]. And it's insulting to casually trivialize the very real struggles of others. Yes, everyone generally has *some kind* of struggle, but they come in a bewildering variety of flavors *many* of which do not really apply to the population at large.
You notice people don't do this with physical symptoms of disorders. "Sorry about that bad putt. I guess I'm just a little Parkinson's today," "that shrimp left me feeling a little bit Disentery-ish," "How could I have missed that? Well, everyone's a bit cataracty from time to time."
No. That's not the way it works. Stop it.
I had read recently that there's talk of merging ADHD into the autism spectrum.
@@jameswoodard4304 You should stop policing in UA-cam. I was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome (now this is diagnosed as ASD or autism informally) when I was a child and you know nothing about my life. And I did not say that I had ADHD symptoms I said that my ASD symptoms had been replied with similar answer has her ADHD symptoms. If was misleading about that, sorry.
@@lunettasuziejewel2080 I don't think they are that similar but I'm not an expert and I'll respected their decision if they end up merging them.
Another great video. That scary TO DO list is so real! You are so creative and empathetic. I often feel like blurting out, "wow that's invalidating" when people say certain things especially "everyone's a little ADHD". You are a kind person and helping this community.
I’d highly reconsider using kitchen towels to take things in and out of your oven. This is because if the kitchen towels touch the heating element, they will catch on fire. I know this from experience because it happened to me. By the way, if it does happen that you end up, catching a kitchen towel on fire, you can beat it out by beating the towel on the floor.
Yes! These are so spot on on so many levels. I hate when people try and tidy up for me because it just leads to frustration. I hate the whole “just get it over and done with and then you can do the fun things”. And I hate the whole “eat the frog” thing. It just doesn’t work for me and more often than not leads to me shutting down completely.
Thank you! As always, I feel so seen and heard and understood.
With you there! DO NOT TOUCH MY STUFF! It may be chaos central, but it's *my* chaos.
I’m the mom of 2 ADHD kids who has had 2 ADHD husbands. Each one of them is so different. It just takes patience and openness to figure out what works for each one. Even with my many years of experience as an non-ADHD partner and parent I still learned a few things here!
You have 2 husband's? Nice!!
Willingness to learn is the most important thing. Thanks.
@@EMbosliceN777
😑 "has had"
In other words, not at the same time, and not both currently.
@@EMbosliceN777 😆😆 Definitely not at the same time. One is plenty!
@@loriobrien1246 of course, I was just bring silly. You're totally right though one is enough!
As a teacher with several students with ADHD this is super helpful! :) Thank you for your videos
About the cleaning/organizing: it's also frustrating because someone else did it for you, without leaving you a choice. I want to do stuff my way and sometimes if this is taken from you, it also adds that sense of "You weren't able to do it, so I did it for you." Thanks for making me feel like a failure.
That To-Do-List at the end just killed me 🤣
I'm 30 and unmedicated because It took awhile to get insurance (seeing a doctor is next on my to do list). I'm always a little afraid to watch your videos because my life could have been easier, but then I redirect that thought to "this is going to help so many people". Mostly I find that its okay to let others help where I struggle. I gave power of attorney to my best friend so I can have help filling out the paperwork that my brain likes to shut down and I forget my name. She is the biggest heart I have and watches your videos to help me better.
You're fortunate to have such a good friend!
@@lisagd22 I really am!
I've personally been using done first. It's been helpful because they just do ADHD and they've got a pretty simple service. I had wanted treatment, but from past experience, finding somebody that is able to treat adults with ADHD has been pretty difficult with the insurance I've got.
@@SmallSpoonBrigade for anyone reading: I had a horrible first 6 months with huge gaps in treatment and weeks of no communication. But now the treatment is regular and nearly automatic! So if that happens, keep messaging support. Because it can get better!
as an ADHDer who has another ADHDer working under me so-to-speak, this is so helpful!
Tbh these are all so so common because intuitively they *feel* like they’re helpful. I forget and do some of them sometimes too!
the people in my life “support” me by saying things like “why can’t you do this? you should be able to do this. we’re all worried about you” and trying to make me account for all of my time leading up to that moment instead of helping me move forward
Seriously, did you omnipotently just watch my entire life? The struggle is so real, and I can't even express how well this video encapsulates what I go through in a way that helps to communicate to neurotypical individuals.
PS: finding your channel has helped me so much. Even if nothing really changes for me in the end, just knowing that I'm not alone in these struggles is so reassuring and makes things less lonely. Thank you!!
Hello can we both have a pleasant conversation
The last time I had a meltdown level fight with my partner it was because he "cleaned" and moved an entire pile of my papers off the table and out of sight into the spare room. That was the first time I ever mustered the strength to put into words for him how much anxiety I get from other people moving my things. Now when he cleans he will just push my piles to one side, but leave them generally where they are.
Communication really is key.
One of the reasons that I'm getting divorced is that no matter what I say or how I approach it, my wife absolutely refuses to let me deal with my clutter. It's mostly contained to a spare room and just about every time I make progress on it, she decides that she needs to do it for me. It's just the sort of person she is, she has nothing but contempt for me and rather than cleaning up the dumpster fire that is her life, she's decided to meddle in mine.
The sad thing is that there have been several times where I almost had everything completed, but then she'd start me back to where I had further to go than if I had done nothing and a lot of my stuff is only meaningful in relationship to other stuff that's now with god or thrown out. I've literally had to tear the entire house apart when she's gone to find my stuff because she has no idea what she's done with it and won't admit to having done anything with it.
"OK, get it to me when you're ready"
The. Worst. Killer.
I was given academic accommodations in my last year of college (not for ADHD, but I had it and didn't know it was a factor) and one of the most helpful things was that I was given more leniency with deadlines. BUT, it was never "get it to me whenever" it was "will an extra two days be enough?" or "you have an extra week" and honestly that was SO much better. I still had the pressure of it looming, but if I missed the first deadline I could flex a little without losing points.
@@DarthRayj During my PhD (with undiagnosed ADHD), I had a supervisor who would always say "come and see when you've got something to show me". Did he mean tomorrow? A week? A month? It was so unclear. I'd ask for a deadline, and tell him that I work better with deadlines, and he'd vaguely wave his hands and say "well, whenever you've got something interesting to talk about with me", or "once you've finished writing the chapter" or "sometime this month". At least this last one had a date I could try to put on it, but I also quickly learned that he would never remember or hold me to account for missing this.
It was a disastrous combination for my productivity.
5 hits hard for me; I've always struggled with writing and communication, and the worst advice I constantly heard was "just write what's in your head." but nobody could ever explain how to do that
I tend to forget things, someone tells me, because I sometimes space out and don’t really hear them.
When I‘m asking something and the person is like „I‘ve already told you?“ I will be probably too afraid to ask again and just say something like „Oh yeah sorry, now I remember“, because I‘m ashamed.
It would be really nice if people would simply tell me again, but I get that it is probably annoying.