1. Constant bickering - negativity 2. Silent treatment / stonewalling 3. Overly sensitive - overly reactive to everything - always upset about something - everything is a big deal (therefore the partner might end up feeling like nothing is a big deal) 4. Not owning behaviour and not knowing how to make repairs 5. Not being emotionally present (examples: ignoring it when your partner is crying, or never sharing it when you are upset, saying everything is fine when it isn't) 6. Not spending time enough together - disengaging, living seperate lives. 7. Your tone is everything - intonation before information. Sounding agressive or contemptful 8. Substance use, abuse, dependence 9. Always on your phone
Not knowing the root cause you can mean the “willingness” to do better/different but don’t know how too.knowing the Attachment Styles has opened my eyes.
I definitely understand the importance of tone in my adult relationships. But as a teen, my BPD mom was so hypersensitive about our tone that she would lash out at us when in our minds we were just trying to communicate how we felt. She would interpret any tinge of emotion as a personal disrespect. So we learned it’s safer to just keep your feelings to yourself.
^ this. Reality testing in Cluster B folks is impaired. I was married to someone with bpd traits and the tone policing was overbearing. But, it was all a facade, because even when said acceptingly the substance was never addressed.
You're videos are so great!! My psychologist retired 6 months ago after 3++ years and then a relationship showed up in my life You Are answering what he would have. So deeply grateful for you
Criticism and contempt are the negative that often causes stonewalling. I'm not saying stonewalling isn't an issue....but it's often not the main problem. I've been there.
Dr. Kim, this video is INSTRUMENTAL!!!! You are truly phenomenal…..and I am literally tearing up with emotion of how many critical points you hit on. THANK YOU for your style of communication and how well you put all of this together…..so THANKFUL for you sharing this.
I NEEDED to hear the one about the alcohol abuse in a relationship. For the last year after my partner and I broke up, I tortured myself into believing that it's my fault I couldn't make this relationship work when the issue was my partner's alcohol abuse. It was the basis for most of the fights as Dr. Kim mentioned. He was a functional alcoholic (black out status at social events) and was in denial about it so he used every excuse in the book outside of that as to why our relationship failed. I too have character defects and owned up to those and even apologized for my half in it all.... but him gaslighting me saying I never opened up is just not owning up to why, that his life is unmanageable because he has a drinking problem. I felt unsafe, things were unstable, and he was a different person while drinking. It's a coping mechanism to his drinking. NOT the problem....Hugs and support to everyone affected by alcohol and/or drug abuse in their families and relationships
You are awesome thank you so much. I truly have answers now for things I haven’t had answers to for my whole life. I’m extremely grateful for your whole channel.
The silent treatment happens when every single conversation ends up in a violent screaming match! why would you want to talk to your wife!. 1. Love your wife, really show her love. 2. Wives submit (respect)your husband. We hurt each other in ways you dont understand if you fail in these 2 commandments. I like this Dr. Intelligent, rational, blunt, to the point. Very experienced.
Great pointers Dr Sage. I live in Irvine and worked in Hoag hospital so I am not too far off from you. I will investigate about getting some session with you in the future. Thank you for your hard work and the videos that are very informative and practical👌
learn how to meet your own needs first. this will allow you to establish a relationship with your inner self and once you stop abandoning yourself and your needs. all the things tied to fear of abandonment goes away. being HSP is your subconscious way of dealing with possible abandonment.
Attraction is destroyed by the objectionable and toxic fragrances that are ever present in our daily lives. Biology is not at work. Hormones are disrupted. Besides, people are fat and covered with tasteless tattoos. The less attractive ones body is -the more they over expose themselves. They don’t speak a discernible language. They listen to tasteless music. Don’t know how to dance. They relate to each other while consuming over processed and tasteless food. They use the word LOVE in reference to everything, but are not liking themselves. They are rude and judgmental and materialistic. Hence, the general ugliness of modern society. They’re told, that they might not be the correct gender. They are encouraged to screw for fun, but not to get romantically involved. Passive dependency; narcissistic aloofness, entitlement and grandiosity, histrionic immaturity. Life’s a video game. ME matters.
My complex ptsd, and past negative destructive relationships. And injustice for UK men and divorce. I haven't touched a woman sixteen years. I probably never will again.!!!?🥴
1. Constant bickering - negativity
2. Silent treatment / stonewalling
3. Overly sensitive - overly reactive to everything - always upset about something - everything is a big deal (therefore the partner might end up feeling like nothing is a big deal)
4. Not owning behaviour and not knowing how to make repairs
5. Not being emotionally present (examples: ignoring it when your partner is crying, or never sharing it when you are upset, saying everything is fine when it isn't)
6. Not spending time enough together - disengaging, living seperate lives.
7. Your tone is everything - intonation before information. Sounding agressive or contemptful
8. Substance use, abuse, dependence
9. Always on your phone
Problem is is when don’t know the real problems..just now learning about Attachment Issues..so sad to have learned too late.😢
Not knowing the root cause you can mean the “willingness” to do better/different but don’t know how too.knowing the Attachment Styles has opened my eyes.
The tone . Remember the tone ❤
I definitely understand the importance of tone in my adult relationships. But as a teen, my BPD mom was so hypersensitive about our tone that she would lash out at us when in our minds we were just trying to communicate how we felt. She would interpret any tinge of emotion as a personal disrespect. So we learned it’s safer to just keep your feelings to yourself.
^ this. Reality testing in Cluster B folks is impaired. I was married to someone with bpd traits and the tone policing was overbearing. But, it was all a facade, because even when said acceptingly the substance was never addressed.
You're videos are so great!!
My psychologist retired 6 months ago after 3++ years and then a relationship showed up in my life You Are answering what he would have. So deeply grateful for you
Criticism and contempt are the negative that often causes stonewalling. I'm not saying stonewalling isn't an issue....but it's often not the main problem. I've been there.
Dr. Kim, this video is INSTRUMENTAL!!!! You are truly phenomenal…..and I am literally tearing up with emotion of how many critical points you hit on.
THANK YOU for your style of communication and how well you put all of this together…..so THANKFUL for you sharing this.
Thanks so much! i just found your channel. My mum has BPD and these videos are life changing.
Thank you so much for watching and posting! Please take good care!🙏🏻
I NEEDED to hear the one about the alcohol abuse in a relationship. For the last year after my partner and I broke up, I tortured myself into believing that it's my fault I couldn't make this relationship work when the issue was my partner's alcohol abuse. It was the basis for most of the fights as Dr. Kim mentioned. He was a functional alcoholic (black out status at social events) and was in denial about it so he used every excuse in the book outside of that as to why our relationship failed. I too have character defects and owned up to those and even apologized for my half in it all.... but him gaslighting me saying I never opened up is just not owning up to why, that his life is unmanageable because he has a drinking problem. I felt unsafe, things were unstable, and he was a different person while drinking. It's a coping mechanism to his drinking. NOT the problem....Hugs and support to everyone affected by alcohol and/or drug abuse in their families and relationships
You are awesome thank you so much. I truly have answers now for things I haven’t had answers to for my whole life. I’m extremely grateful for your whole channel.
The silent treatment happens when every single conversation ends up in a violent screaming match! why would you want to talk to your wife!.
1. Love your wife, really show her love.
2. Wives submit (respect)your husband.
We hurt each other in ways you dont understand if you fail in these 2 commandments. I like this Dr. Intelligent, rational, blunt, to the point. Very experienced.
You know your stuff. Spot on and helpful!
💕Please feel free to add your thoughts or any additional ideas!! 💕🙏🏻🙏🏻
Love your content!! Thanks
I definitely needed to hear this. I'm sure everyone needs to hear this. Thank you.
Thank you so much for watching and posting!💕
Great pointers Dr Sage. I live in Irvine and worked in Hoag hospital so I am not too far off from you. I will investigate about getting some session with you in the future. Thank you for your hard work and the videos that are very informative and practical👌
Yes the phone!!! Especially when he is constantly watching porn instead of actual sex .
How can you overcome being overly sensitive in a relationship ? I struggle with this a lot as a HSP.
learn how to meet your own needs first. this will allow you to establish a relationship with your inner self and once you stop abandoning yourself and your needs. all the things tied to fear of abandonment goes away. being HSP is your subconscious way of dealing with possible abandonment.
Attraction is destroyed by the objectionable and toxic fragrances that are ever present in our daily lives. Biology is not at work. Hormones are disrupted. Besides, people are fat and covered with tasteless tattoos. The less attractive ones body is -the more they over expose themselves. They don’t speak a discernible language. They listen to tasteless music. Don’t know how to dance. They relate to each other while consuming over processed and tasteless food. They use the word LOVE in reference to everything, but are not liking themselves. They are rude and judgmental and materialistic. Hence, the general ugliness of modern society. They’re told, that they might not be the correct gender. They are encouraged to screw for fun, but not to get romantically involved. Passive dependency; narcissistic aloofness, entitlement and grandiosity, histrionic immaturity. Life’s a video game. ME matters.
Kim, please be my therapist and fix me 😂😭
😘🍸🍦
My complex ptsd, and past negative destructive relationships. And injustice for UK men and divorce. I haven't touched a woman sixteen years. I probably never will again.!!!?🥴