Anxious attachment style is so fucking exhausting, I just want a healthy relationship like everyone else, I don't want to be preoccupied with feeling they will reject me or leave me, but those feelings just arrive and take over.
Man, you said it perfectly. We need to heal ❤️🩹 honestly once we truly love ourselves, that will become visible when we are vulnerable with someone. They too will need to have a sensitivity to our struggles, but if they're understanding it won't be overwhelming for them. because we've better learned how to regulate and not become consumed by insecurity. That's the goal, anyway! 💯💪🏻
I was a fearful avoidant and now 88% secure. I learnt that everyone has an insecure attachment style in them and it's okay to have those feelings and reaction. The important thing is we do not act on those feelings but accept it that we are flawed. When you can accept who you are and work with yourself, you'll attract and settle for people who is willing to accept who you are and support you in the journey. Those that aren't, you won't put in that much effort anymore.
Great video and explanation. I used to be anxious attachment but now secured due to therapy and self love. I am divorced and not dating anyone and by myself and dating myself. Anxious and avoidants attract each other like a magnet. I wished I had learned this information 30 years ago but learned it a year ago. Better late than never.
@@rachelmartin2562 very good question. For starters 1 Opposites attrack 2 Like attracts like Both are true, and needed. We are interested in people who are like us, because that gives recognition and familiarity. But if they are too much like us, it would be boaring. So we also love people that are different, so we can learn from them. This is called trait variety. The strong and the smart join forces to be more efficient as a team. Also psychologists say that we admire in others things that we have surpressed in ourselves. As an example, I come off as an extravert who is not afraid to show her feelings. This is actually a mask, not even that but, my social face is very sassy and i say things that others would only think, i try to share my wisdom in a provoking way to make people laugh and wake up. But this also helps me to fend off anyone who might suspect my more sensitive and vulnurable side. Anyway, I can be really enthousiastic, spontaneous and involved. Chilldlike. I am a very creative person and, well, open I guess. And I think that's what the avoidant guy liked about me. My courage to say things how i see them and show what i feel in ways that others would never dream of doing. I heard him thinking "how the heck does she do that?" And he admired me for it. What I liked about him was his emotional control, how he can be unfased, untouched, keep it together, play it cool. Me show it all and feel it all, versus him some sort of strong containment. I am aware that it could benefit me in some cases to have a more distant and "proffessional attitude. For me everything hits very personal, being so open I absorb a lot of stuff that needs processing too. I've always said that my partner should not be more like that then me, and DA tends to be more calm. But also, since he doesn't allow himself to be so open, he started flawfinding, probably thought I was naive and when I started challenging him, something kicked off in him like "opening up is dangerous because people will hurt you" and then punished me with silence treatment to prove it, and to "protecthimself", dodge away, running back to his own little familiar lonely world. Alone time is for healing, but together we can also heal and learn and grow. There must be a balance. Between ME*Time & WE*Time. Nowone will come and save us, we must all do most of it ourselves, to become secure. Good things take time. Gratitude and attitude are keys. See how far we have come already and what we can still achieve and being at peace with where we are now. I don't know if you have heard of it but "twinflame" concept to me seems to be based on this dynamic of DA en AP. Insecure attachment styles have Trust issues, and if we know and therefore the more we trust ourselves, we become less defensive towards others, in my experience. I also think everybody experiences the same fear, pain and loneliness. But one problem with trauma is that we tend to think we are the only one feeling this, because nowone seems to see us and everybody else seems to be fine. We feel totally misunderstood. And on the other hand, the first assumption i think that we make by mistske is often that the other person thinks and feels like us, and then they display behaviour that we don't understand. Again, both are true. Complicated stuff but worth it to invest in gaining insight. I hope this answered your question 😊 Namaste ❤
I have this anxious attachment style and my partner is the avoidant one, ever since we got married things really got bad, we always fighting it's we in a rollercoaster. I am so tired and I love her alot, am exhausted. I've been to therapy but I can't seem to get this anxious attachment style healed. It's exhausting am not coping with all my relationships these days I just isolate myself, be on my own because maintaining work relationships with colleagues, friends and family is exhausting and burns me out.
This is my husband to a Tee! I use to think he didn’t like me but I realized he just needs to be alone. I just got a lot of hobbies and friends to keep myself busy until he wants to engage. When we were first married I felt unloved but I shared my feelings and he tried and tried to work on it. He’s now so much better. I’m co- dependent and I think I’m anxious attachment as well. We learned through the years to work it out and try to stay positive and give reciprocity. To be genuine and understanding
I feel like my relationship with an avoidant partner nearly killed me or more to the point left me feeling like not being here anymore. How is it that a relationship can cause so much emotional distress?
While I was with an avoidant I thought of leaving this earth more than not. Now that I’m with a strong confident secure I’m in heaven. It’s wild how trauma causes us to create unhealthy bonds.
Trauma bond shields the avoidant from responsibility for anything. Allowing them to deal out abuse including the hot:cold or roller coaster . After 4 yrs I got out badly wounded physically and emotionally. It is clearly not worth the abuse and disrespect.
Same here 😊 . 15 years with Avoidant . I never was more alone in my life . After 5 years I start feel like I'm 80 years old ugly woman tired and lonely , confused. I escaped to workaholism instead of deal with problem. I thought problem is me if I would be more attractive or more something than I would deserve for love . After therapy I woke up from all of this nonsense. Shocked . But it's over now I learn a lot . 🙏🤍
Doc, I am in awe of you. You need to teach at universities! This needs to be common knowledge so we can heal our inner child early on so we can have proper, meaningful, stable relationships. From a fellow healthcare worker, thank you for your true vocation to helping others, including this fellow doctor that also needs some reassurance despite knowing the facts. ❤
Teach in universities? No, she is so skilled - online allows her to reach everyone! Most private therapists and psychiatrists NEVER go into useful sharing of the how's and why's of early childhood interactions with parents. 1) Because they don't know! Here, people in treatment can gain valuable insight to assist themselves in therapy, and professionals can seek Dr. KIM out, in order to improve their styles and understanding.
I believe I am 50/50 … anxious / secure.. but my ex partner was more on the avoidant side I think. Their behaviours can also push you to be more anxious - and in the end she finished with me by text message.. despite calling me her soulmate and ‘I love you more than you’ll ever know’ (4yr relationship) The break up and her unwillingness to talk about it was extremely painful. It has really knocked me - and i cant stop ruminating, even 15 month later, but I’m trying!
You’ve got to grieve. Don’t judge 15 months. Give yourself time and space to grieve. If you don’t; you’ll do the same thing again. Grief teaches us heaps.
She seems like she needs her space because it may have been overwhelming. To much stimulation. Maybe? If she loves you she may come back. You may need therapy, too. Im getting therapy for myself and working on me...trying to love myself. My ex is an avoidant. I wished I knew this information during our relationship. I feel an immense guilt.
@@LaudauteDominum-er2mr me too! I feel extremely guilty and like I really got what I so thought I wanted but deep down didnt…it was my self defense mechanism at work, pushing him away bc the feelings were too much too strong too scary and our relationship was quite complicated and was a perfect mixture of extremely passionate and loving as well as highly dysfunctional! I’m so confused bc now I’m wondering was my very blatant self sabotage 100% my doing or was there outside interference also hard at work in the background, or both! I dont know i guess I’ll never quite know, but I do know I am responsible for my own actions or lack there of..at the end of the day my detached distant cold shoulder treatment def allowed for the interference to creep in and fill that huge void I left then she played the “concerned” ex fling ( not ex gf just a fling from 2-3 decades ago) friend to gather as much info as possible about me and about us so jealous and envious and started putting crap in his head…all lies but bc she had enough truths it was easy for her to sprinkle in some serious lies and false accusations about me that got him second guessing me, and our over 10year for the most part loving relationship last few years basically since the covid insanity I started falling off bc I STARTED TO FEEL QUITE HOPELESS bout the future of our nation, the entire world and humanity as a whole! I am cursed with the gift of smelling bs from afar I immediately knew we were in trouble as soon as I heard the lies and propaganda campaign at work ALL THE MEDIA OUTLETS IN perfect SYNCHRONICITY WITH ONE ANOTHER AND THE REST OF THE WORLDS MEDIA TOO! NO one dying FROM covid but always amazingly dying WITH COVID smh 🤦♀️ how convenient, the play on words double talk sneaky ways of our media and sorry ass politicians never cease to amaze me! So What’s your style? Are you dismissive avoidant or anxious avoidant
@@LaudauteDominum-er2mr Even if you knew all this during your relationship, you'd have done the same being who you are. This is what it is. Stoicism helps as it teaches you not to pin your hopes on anything and taking things as they happen. "It is what it is" is the most healing phrase out there. I've been married to a dismissive avoidant for 25 years. Fell in love again recently and it really knocked my socks off. She is fearful avoidant so I have just put myself in a corner. If she comes to me, she is welcome, if she doesn't, it doesn't matter. I looked her in the eye and told her that I loved her, point blank. She rejected me, point blank but kept on reaching out and refusing to judge me (what does that even mean?). I suffered but now I don't care. If it leads to something, well, happy days. If it leads to nothing, it doesn't matter. At the end of the day we die regardless of our attachement style. It is what it is. Other people can not give you happiness. Only you can take charge of your own happiness and growth.
It’s like Dr Sage has been a fly on the wall in my relationships for the past 40 years (including a 20 year marriage). Doing my best to address this in my current relationship (7 years), be aware and realize the symptoms when I see them. I don’t want to continue this cycle and I (we, yeah you reading this!!) will if we don’t address this. It’s hard…… 😐
It is so difficult and frustrating and mind-bending insole torturing to be married to my wife who is fearful avoidant. The push-and-pull I think will sometimes do me in. Sometimes I think I need therapy.
I never realized I had the anxious attachment style until this past year my mom was a narcissist and taught me that my needs and wants didnt matter, she also did not allow me to have my own identity growing up,then she got angry when I started to go to therapy for the first time at 30, I also didnt know what a narcissist was until I went to therapy. I didnt know a lot,but I always knew something was up with me but I didnt know what,I'm so glad I have way more awareness then what I did before,I also fell in love with a guy who was an avoidant but at the time I had no clue what that was either lol were no longer together but it was a blessing because it helped me with my healing process,I'm still working on myself daily my ex is in denial and says hes not a avoidant even though it's very obvious he is lol sorry not funny, but anywho I value these types of videos they have also been a big help to my wellbeing,I just want to become more self aware as I grow because when you know better you have a choice to do better, for so long I thought a lot of things were normal,and I just had to accept it because that's what I was told,but I was living a lie I was ignorant to a lot, thank you for all that you do you are beautiful inside and out..
This was very helpful. Just had a horrible break up with my Anxious attachment. I am a dismissive Avoidant. I learned about our styles recently, brought it up and was excited for us both to get better. He couldn’t leave fast enough to another women. I understand now 😢
At least you're self aware now. Get some therapy for you and as fornthe other guy he needs therapy for himself ... the grass is never greener on the other side especially if they have things to work on themselves. It never works out
Thank you for this video. Your videos have helped me to see myself differently. I started on this quest of trying to figure out what was wrong with me about 3 years ago. I had failed my final semester of nursing school, I had a romantic breakup, my best friend/roommate moved out after we had an argument, and my son had gone missing. After all of that, I finally realized I was the common denominator in all of these things. It shook me to my core, but I have learned so much from your videos. Again, thank you!
You just described my life. Life at work it very difficult, ...but having a crush on someone at work and trying to somehow bond is 100 times more challenging. Unfortunately and frustratingly, close relationships suffer, but being aware and making small positive steps for change can help you over time. Just hang in there, plus if you're close enough to talk to your partner it helps clear up misunderstandings.
4 yrs trying to get thru and make it work with a very avoidant single mother who happens to be asian..Ive never experienced the slow death of a once great connection..because of this disorder..its not a style it's a disorder...I never knew of women who were unable to bond with you after 100s of intimate moments..nurturing there kid like your own..being there for her in every aspect..still you are ghosted ..Stonewalled.out ..even asking for somthing that's completely free like consistent communication..is taken as your to needy to insecure..there secretive evasive behaviours..are to be just excused and as the man you are to remain stoic and show no reaction to anything they do that is devaluing and disrespectful to you and the relationship..or they get triggered off and throw it all away...these people should only engage is hooking up ..transactional sex ..nothing more There to broken for anything else..and they break others with there hurtful behaviours..they know you love them..that seems to increase there fears and hence there poor treatment of there partners...
I've always avoided 'believing ' in attachment styles, but by listening to your 'Sage' wisdom I have totally identified myself here... So thank you for this, I now feel informed and have something to reflect on and work on❤
Hi Dr. Kim Sage. I am a survivor of PTSD, DID, Childhood Sexual Abuse, etc...Your posts are insightful, applicable, and proactive. Your teaching tools help me in my professional and personal relationships. My psychiatrist agrees w/your assessment of children with pre-existing childhood traumas. Thank you for posting. God Bless Y-O-U for caring 🙏 ❤️ to those (like myself) who sometimes only see the darkness. You push the LIGHT and COMPASSION back into my heart and spirit. Cheers! Karen
I was def an anxious type from childhood, alas the trauma that changed me began 3 years ago. I wanted to know why is he doing this, WTH happen to him to make him like this, WTH am I allowing his treatment of me? It all makes sense now on my end as well..just like a perfect storm. But so much more to the story. Moving to be with likeminded spiritual people 1500 miles away because he was one of the leaders. A few self unaliving attempts.. All in a year. I’ve been processing for 2 years & would take his phone call in a second. Oh yeah. Did I mention my son & I live with my elderly sick parents? Yeah. Still get to hear how I “need to” do this & that over healing. I honestly am too overwhelmed to know where to begin.
I find this information very enlightening. I have an anxious attachment style due to coming from a childhood of mental and physical abuse. I was dating a person with an avoidant attachment style bur we've since moved to being friends. Shes a wonderful person deep down and this helps me understand the dynamic. I feel like I can be a better friend in being supportive and understanding with this information
Another fantastic video! I'm learning so much about my upbringing, family dynamics, and why I am the way I am through watching your videos. I will seriously plan to binge watch your channel haha
Hope you find this video helpful🙏🏻🙏🏻💕💕. What are your thoughts about how these childhood attachment strategies might show up in your life and which ones do you think are the most impactful and/or hardest to change?💕 xo
I seem to be avoidant, yet my mother was overly doting, overly into me, I was an only child, and she and my father fought a lot. I was my parents' life. I think I became avoidant in response to a break-up at 19 from my high school era sweetheart.
Being agreeable and willingness to compromise. To want to step by relationship differences and go forward but also wanting to communicate about them when they come up. Being too free with compliments and positivity with my partner
Thank you for making me realize what my ex DA did that absolutely destroyed our relationship and tore into my soul! You’re the first person that seems to put it out there in black and white.
I think the father can be as damaging with attachment as mothers…. It was my father who used to tell me it was my job to care for my siblings not my mother.
Dr Sage, cheers from Paris! Your name means WISE in French by the way. You are as wise as you are talented, and attractive if I may. This was a VERY interesting video, but may I suggest inserting timestamps and timecards? And for example, one of the last things you say here is GOLDEN: "YOU CAN'T HEAL WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. AND IF YOU CAN'T SEE IT, YOU CAN'T HEAL IT." That, for instance, deserves to be written. Also for non-native english speakers, homemade subtitles would be great. In fact I could help you with that. Thank you!
Wow. This is accurate! I'm anxious attachment style and my ex is avoidant. Thank you so much!!! I'm extremely sad and feel guilty for not knowing this during my relationship.
Great, now about 2 months after my last relationship ended, I realize that I'm disorganized, bordering on anxious attachment style and he was the opposite, avoidant attachment style.
Thank you for sharing this powerful information. It’s freeing to know that our thoughts around relationship issues aren’t always what we think. Time to start focusing on myself more and my needs to help better my relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years. I know it will improve our connection.
I love your content, you are so accurate, its crazy how on point and specific your examples are and how I see it in myself and some of my loved ones :-) you've definitely gained a follower, this has helped me in so many ways, thank you ❤
I am 53 and just figuring out I’m an avoidant in a relationship. I have googled a lot about this. Everything explains what it is but not how to heal it
Hi Dr Kim...I took 6 pages of notes...I'm going to figure this all out with your extremely helpful videos... thanks so much for all you do...Sheri in Florida
A severely dismissive avoidant friend copes with his neuroticism by constantly insisting on being light-hearted and pursuing fun. “I just wanted this weekend to be fun”, he protested when I tried to talk to him about his avoidance.
Thank you for making this video. I can relate to everything you mentioned relating to being anxious attached and it's great to have this new level of clarity and awareness about myself.
I am an anxious avoidant. What we dont want is for you to be preoccupied with us or the relationship. We see its not healthy , and we do care, we just know you need to work on youself just like we are working on ourselve by being alone. We need that time to evaluate and think
I suppose a good match for anyone would be a secure-attached. But we all need to work to become that ourselves first. Too many want to claim they're a victim in a relationship when they're not healing themselves.. just blaming the other. I'm (ashamedly) dismissive-avoidant & looking to become secure. Best wishes!
That’s a great point. I was stuck in victim mode for ages thinking why is she so cold, capable of being so mean and emotionless but we are all equally messed up, it’s just different coping strategies.
My girlfriend of 8 months (who had a traumatic childhood) ended our relationship today, for (in my opinion) no legitimate reason. This is the third time she has done this and it feels like she is pushing me away more than not wanting to be with me. The first time she called me (after dumping me) and apologized, and the second time I called her to resume the relationship. My gut is telling me not to do that again. Any advice???
Sounds like she is pushing away so that she is in control of the break up. Testing to see if her fear is right. U could try reassuring her that u love her & will be there once she’s thought things through. Obv there’s a time limit on being there but maybe not tell her that straight away. Give her the space but let her know u love her.
It has to be her idea of you two are to truly reconcile. I would leave her be until that happens-otherwise she will continue to associate you with pressure and discomfort. In the meantime live your life without her, work on you and be free of the joy and cold abuse that had probably trauma bonded you.
Don’t go back to her. Hot and cold behavior is detrimental to your emotional health especially with cptsd if you resonate with these videos. The person who yo yo’s their partner is to be avoided at all costs the behavior is telling given the short amount of time in the relationship.
Simply an accountant lifestyle on stocks and bonds The roller coaster ride to the bank account We are simply not having it AFFA angels never die nffn HMS council
You need self love. Address your traumas...truly focus on you. Set goals that you will achieve. I am getting therapy for anxious attachment...setting goals for me...such as returning back to college, fitness goals, concentrating on my kiddos and being a better mother/person. Loving myself enough to be selfish for me...once.
All my social connections were terminated 8 August 2000 at 18:34. I never bothered replacing any of them. Today, I still have no friends, no girlfriend, but more importantly, no drama, no conflict, no liars, no hyoocrites, no users, no fake girlfriend. I will never bother with making friends, nor a girlfriend, again. The negatives of being social are enormously numerous. The benefits of being social are extremely low, whereas the benefits of being social are very few.
@@terrycraig6386 More importantly, I have been without fake girlfriends, false friends, liars, hypocrites, users, narcissists, hate, abuse, nor financial drain for the sake of, "friendship," according to them. I believe I have gained a lot more benefits than I lost by deleting interpersonal, social, interactions, connections, and bonds.
I don't know what I want for dinner and, generally speaking, I don't care. My husband gets around this by offering me a few options and watching my reactions, like my infamous Elvis lip curl, which kinda translates to "yuck". I may not know what I want but throwing out ideas makes dialog possible, along with my nonverbal reaction, gives a better idea of what I don't want and that's a start.
But if you don’t care. …. Then just feel grateful that he cooked. …. If he cooks, and you don’t care what, why worry about getting around that? Just let him cook what he wants. Or are you SAYING you don’t care and SHOWING the sneer….? That’s mixed messages from you. …. If I was your husband I would just cook and you’d eat and be grateful for what I cooked. My partner can cook me ANYTHING and I’m happy. I don’t give mixed messages. … I consistently am happy if someone else cooks. ….
@@MellowBellow1 Dear mellow...The topic isn't about my husband's cooking, it's that I never know what I want. I am grateful (I hate to cook) but when he does cook, he tries to please me by cooking something that I am in the mood for. I just don't know what that is (often it really doesn't matter to me) so I can't give him an answer. Same for going to a restaurant. What type, Chinese, Mexican, American, IDK??? Hopefully, that's less confusing to you.
@@pauladuncanadams1750 I’m not confused at all. I never said it was about your husband’s cooking. What I am saying is, if you can’t decide, don’t decide, let HIM decide. Because constantly having a convo about something you can’t decide is an exercise in futility. He can just decide what to cook without having to ask you. You will be happy and you can discuss something more interesting and less “stuck”. ….. try it. It might feel good for you both.
@@pauladuncanadams1750 I notice you keep changing the subject. I’m talking about being stuck in a habit that you offered as “good advice” to others. Yet it’s very evident there is no value in the habit, apart from you to have a chance to reject your husband’s suggestions about food, that you actively state you don’t care about. So why have the conversation ? Why have that stuck routine? People can be together for 80 years and not realise they are doing crappy things to their partner. I re-state. If you don’t mind what you eat, let your husband decide and just eat what he decides. Try it. … the only reason you may not want to TRY it is because you like the toxic game you’re playing. And avoiding responsibility for it when called out. ( by telling me I’m confused or taking about things I’m not talking about. ). You’re gaslighting yourself if you think that works. …. It doesn’t.
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Anxious attachment style is so fucking exhausting, I just want a healthy relationship like everyone else, I don't want to be preoccupied with feeling they will reject me or leave me, but those feelings just arrive and take over.
That can't be easy.
Take care.
I know exactly how you feel
Man, you said it perfectly. We need to heal ❤️🩹 honestly once we truly love ourselves, that will become visible when we are vulnerable with someone. They too will need to have a sensitivity to our struggles, but if they're understanding it won't be overwhelming for them. because we've better learned how to regulate and not become consumed by insecurity. That's the goal, anyway! 💯💪🏻
Damn, that is so precisely so, so well said. Wow.
I was a fearful avoidant and now 88% secure. I learnt that everyone has an insecure attachment style in them and it's okay to have those feelings and reaction. The important thing is we do not act on those feelings but accept it that we are flawed. When you can accept who you are and work with yourself, you'll attract and settle for people who is willing to accept who you are and support you in the journey. Those that aren't, you won't put in that much effort anymore.
Great video and explanation. I used to be anxious attachment but now secured due to therapy and self love. I am divorced and not dating anyone and by myself and dating myself. Anxious and avoidants attract each other like a magnet. I wished I had learned this information 30 years ago but learned it a year ago. Better late than never.
Yes, better late than never...I wish I had known it as well! Great work on healing - love hearing about your therapy and self love:). So amazing!!
Why are they so attracted to one another?
@@rachelmartin2562 very good question.
For starters
1 Opposites attrack
2 Like attracts like
Both are true, and needed.
We are interested in people who are like us, because that gives recognition and familiarity.
But if they are too much like us, it would be boaring.
So we also love people that are different, so we can learn from them.
This is called trait variety. The strong and the smart join forces to be more efficient as a team.
Also psychologists say that we admire in others things that we have surpressed in ourselves.
As an example, I come off as an extravert who is not afraid to show her feelings. This is actually a mask, not even that but, my social face is very sassy and i say things that others would only think, i try to share my wisdom in a provoking way to make people laugh and wake up. But this also helps me to fend off anyone who might suspect my more sensitive and vulnurable side. Anyway, I can be really enthousiastic, spontaneous and involved. Chilldlike. I am a very creative person and, well, open I guess.
And I think that's what the avoidant guy liked about me. My courage to say things how i see them and show what i feel in ways that others would never dream of doing. I heard him thinking "how the heck does she do that?" And he admired me for it.
What I liked about him was his emotional control, how he can be unfased, untouched, keep it together, play it cool.
Me show it all and feel it all, versus him some sort of strong containment. I am aware that it could benefit me in some cases to have a more distant and "proffessional attitude. For me everything hits very personal, being so open I absorb a lot of stuff that needs processing too. I've always said that my partner should not be more like that then me, and DA tends to be more calm.
But also, since he doesn't allow himself to be so open, he started flawfinding, probably thought I was naive and when I started challenging him, something kicked off in him like "opening up is dangerous because people will hurt you" and then punished me with silence treatment to prove it, and to "protecthimself", dodge away, running back to his own little familiar lonely world. Alone time is for healing, but together we can also heal and learn and grow. There must be a balance.
Between ME*Time & WE*Time. Nowone will come and save us, we must all do most of it ourselves, to become secure.
Good things take time. Gratitude and attitude are keys. See how far we have come already and what we can still achieve and being at peace with where we are now.
I don't know if you have heard of it but "twinflame" concept to me seems to be based on this dynamic of DA en AP.
Insecure attachment styles have Trust issues, and if we know and therefore the more we trust ourselves, we become less defensive towards others, in my experience. I also think everybody experiences the same fear, pain and loneliness. But one problem with trauma is that we tend to think we are the only one feeling this, because nowone seems to see us and everybody else seems to be fine.
We feel totally misunderstood. And on the other hand, the first assumption i think that we make by mistske is often that the other person thinks and feels like us, and then they display behaviour that we don't understand. Again, both are true. Complicated stuff but worth it to invest in gaining insight.
I hope this answered your question 😊
Namaste
❤
I have this anxious attachment style and my partner is the avoidant one, ever since we got married things really got bad, we always fighting it's we in a rollercoaster. I am so tired and I love her alot, am exhausted. I've been to therapy but I can't seem to get this anxious attachment style healed. It's exhausting am not coping with all my relationships these days I just isolate myself, be on my own because maintaining work relationships with colleagues, friends and family is exhausting and burns me out.
0:01 to 8:21 Avoidant Attachment
8:22 to 18:40 Anxious Attachment
This is my husband to a Tee! I use to think he didn’t like me but I realized he just needs to be alone. I just got a lot of hobbies and friends to keep myself busy until he wants to engage. When we were first married I felt unloved but I shared my feelings and he tried and tried to work on it. He’s now so much better. I’m co- dependent and I think I’m anxious attachment as well. We learned through the years to work it out and try to stay positive and give reciprocity. To be genuine and understanding
congrats to you both. you sre to be commended for working on your stuff.
I only developed avoidant attachment as an adult after an abusive relationship. I think I was midway between secure and anxious before.
Yeeees
I feel like my relationship with an avoidant partner nearly killed me or more to the point left me feeling like not being here anymore. How is it that a relationship can cause so much emotional distress?
same
While I was with an avoidant I thought of leaving this earth more than not. Now that I’m with a strong confident secure I’m in heaven. It’s wild how trauma causes us to create unhealthy bonds.
Trauma bond shields the avoidant from responsibility for anything. Allowing them to deal out abuse including the hot:cold or roller coaster . After 4 yrs I got out badly wounded physically and emotionally. It is clearly not worth the abuse and disrespect.
Same here 😊 . 15 years with Avoidant . I never was more alone in my life . After 5 years I start feel like I'm 80 years old ugly woman tired and lonely , confused. I escaped to workaholism instead of deal with problem. I thought problem is me if I would be more attractive or more something than I would deserve for love . After therapy I woke up from all of this nonsense. Shocked . But it's over now I learn a lot . 🙏🤍
@@samaratenzin it’s never over, but good thing that you’re healing.
Doc, I am in awe of you. You need to teach at universities! This needs to be common knowledge so we can heal our inner child early on so we can have proper, meaningful, stable relationships. From a fellow healthcare worker, thank you for your true vocation to helping others, including this fellow doctor that also needs some reassurance despite knowing the facts. ❤
Teach in universities? No, she is so skilled - online allows her to reach everyone!
Most private therapists and psychiatrists NEVER go into useful sharing of the how's and why's of early childhood interactions with parents. 1) Because they don't know! Here, people in treatment can gain valuable insight to assist themselves in therapy, and professionals can seek Dr. KIM out, in order to improve their styles and understanding.
I like being alone it doesn’t bother me.
I believe I am 50/50 … anxious / secure.. but my ex partner was more on the avoidant side I think. Their behaviours can also push you to be more anxious - and in the end she finished with me by text message.. despite calling me her soulmate and ‘I love you more than you’ll ever know’ (4yr relationship)
The break up and her unwillingness to talk about it was extremely painful. It has really knocked me - and i cant stop ruminating, even 15 month later, but I’m trying!
You’ve got to grieve. Don’t judge 15 months. Give yourself time and space to grieve. If you don’t; you’ll do the same thing again. Grief teaches us heaps.
She seems like she needs her space because it may have been overwhelming. To much stimulation. Maybe? If she loves you she may come back. You may need therapy, too. Im getting therapy for myself and working on me...trying to love myself. My ex is an avoidant. I wished I knew this information during our relationship. I feel an immense guilt.
@@LaudauteDominum-er2mr me too! I feel extremely guilty and like I really got what I so thought I wanted but deep down didnt…it was my self defense mechanism at work, pushing him away bc the feelings were too much too strong too scary and our relationship was quite complicated and was a perfect mixture of extremely passionate and loving as well as highly dysfunctional! I’m so confused bc now I’m wondering was my very blatant self sabotage 100% my doing or was there outside interference also hard at work in the background, or both! I dont know i guess I’ll never quite know, but I do know I am responsible for my own actions or lack there of..at the end of the day my detached distant cold shoulder treatment def allowed for the interference to creep in and fill that huge void I left then she played the “concerned” ex fling ( not ex gf just a fling from 2-3 decades ago) friend to gather as much info as possible about me and about us so jealous and envious and started putting crap in his head…all lies but bc she had enough truths it was easy for her to sprinkle in some serious lies and false accusations about me that got him second guessing me, and our over 10year for the most part loving relationship last few years basically since the covid insanity I started falling off bc I STARTED TO FEEL QUITE HOPELESS bout the future of our nation, the entire world and humanity as a whole! I am cursed with the gift of smelling bs from afar I immediately knew we were in trouble as soon as I heard the lies and propaganda campaign at work ALL THE MEDIA OUTLETS IN perfect SYNCHRONICITY WITH ONE ANOTHER AND THE REST OF THE WORLDS MEDIA TOO!
NO one dying FROM covid but always amazingly dying WITH COVID smh 🤦♀️ how convenient, the play on words double talk sneaky ways of our media and sorry ass politicians never cease to amaze me!
So What’s your style? Are you dismissive avoidant or anxious avoidant
@@LaudauteDominum-er2mr Even if you knew all this during your relationship, you'd have done the same being who you are. This is what it is. Stoicism helps as it teaches you not to pin your hopes on anything and taking things as they happen. "It is what it is" is the most healing phrase out there. I've been married to a dismissive avoidant for 25 years. Fell in love again recently and it really knocked my socks off. She is fearful avoidant so I have just put myself in a corner. If she comes to me, she is welcome, if she doesn't, it doesn't matter. I looked her in the eye and told her that I loved her, point blank. She rejected me, point blank but kept on reaching out and refusing to judge me (what does that even mean?). I suffered but now I don't care. If it leads to something, well, happy days. If it leads to nothing, it doesn't matter. At the end of the day we die regardless of our attachement style. It is what it is. Other people can not give you happiness. Only you can take charge of your own happiness and growth.
It’s like Dr Sage has been a fly on the wall in my relationships for the past 40 years (including a 20 year marriage). Doing my best to address this in my current relationship (7 years), be aware and realize the symptoms when I see them. I don’t want to continue this cycle and I (we, yeah you reading this!!) will if we don’t address this. It’s hard…… 😐
Anxious attachment here listening to this on my way home from my nursing job to my avoidant attachment husband.
I know the feeling😢
Hope and Disappointment, Hope and Disappointment...
It is so difficult and frustrating and mind-bending insole torturing to be married to my wife who is fearful avoidant. The push-and-pull I think will sometimes do me in. Sometimes I think I need therapy.
You do!
I never realized I had the anxious attachment style until this past year my mom was a narcissist and taught me that my needs and wants didnt matter, she also did not allow me to have my own identity growing up,then she got angry when I started to go to therapy for the first time at 30, I also didnt know what a narcissist was until I went to therapy. I didnt know a lot,but I always knew something was up with me but I didnt know what,I'm so glad I have way more awareness then what I did before,I also fell in love with a guy who was an avoidant but at the time I had no clue what that was either lol were no longer together but it was a blessing because it helped me with my healing process,I'm still working on myself daily my ex is in denial and says hes not a avoidant even though it's very obvious he is lol sorry not funny, but anywho I value these types of videos they have also been a big help to my wellbeing,I just want to become more self aware as I grow because when you know better you have a choice to do better, for so long I thought a lot of things were normal,and I just had to accept it because that's what I was told,but I was living a lie I was ignorant to a lot, thank you for all that you do you are beautiful inside and out..
This was very helpful. Just had a horrible break up with my Anxious attachment. I am a dismissive Avoidant. I learned about our styles recently, brought it up and was excited for us both to get better. He couldn’t leave fast enough to another women. I understand now 😢
At least you're self aware now. Get some therapy for you and as fornthe other guy he needs therapy for himself
... the grass is never greener on the other side especially if they have things to work on themselves. It never works out
Thank you for this video. Your videos have helped me to see myself differently. I started on this quest of trying to figure out what was wrong with me about 3 years ago. I had failed my final semester of nursing school, I had a romantic breakup, my best friend/roommate moved out after we had an argument, and my son had gone missing. After all of that, I finally realized I was the common denominator in all of these things. It shook me to my core, but I have learned so much from your videos. Again, thank you!
Love makes you forget the person you were before, before you met them.
Only if you're anxiously attached.
You just described my life. Life at work it very difficult, ...but having a crush on someone at work and trying to somehow bond is 100 times more challenging. Unfortunately and frustratingly, close relationships suffer, but being aware and making small positive steps for change can help you over time. Just hang in there, plus if you're close enough to talk to your partner it helps clear up misunderstandings.
4 yrs trying to get thru and make it work with a very avoidant single mother who happens to be asian..Ive never experienced the slow death of a once great connection..because of this disorder..its not a style it's a disorder...I never knew of women who were unable to bond with you after 100s of intimate moments..nurturing there kid like your own..being there for her in every aspect..still you are ghosted ..Stonewalled.out ..even asking for somthing that's completely free like consistent communication..is taken as your to needy to insecure..there secretive evasive behaviours..are to be just excused and as the man you are to remain stoic and show no reaction to anything they do that is devaluing and disrespectful to you and the relationship..or they get triggered off and throw it all away...these people should only engage is hooking up ..transactional sex ..nothing more
There to broken for anything else..and they break others with there hurtful behaviours..they know you love them..that seems to increase there fears and hence there poor treatment of there partners...
My partner and I are both described. In different ways, in this video and it’s no wonder our relationship is totally failing.
I'd love to hear more about this 'flooding' in avoidant attach style, and the fight or flight moody thing. it seems like it could relate to ptsd too?
C-PTSD Absolutely 💯🎯
I've always avoided 'believing ' in attachment styles, but by listening to your 'Sage' wisdom I have totally identified myself here...
So thank you for this, I now feel informed and have something to reflect on and work on❤
Hi Dr. Kim Sage. I am a survivor of PTSD, DID, Childhood Sexual Abuse, etc...Your posts are insightful, applicable, and proactive. Your teaching tools help me in my professional and personal relationships. My
psychiatrist agrees w/your assessment of children with pre-existing childhood traumas. Thank you for posting. God Bless Y-O-U for caring 🙏 ❤️ to those (like myself) who sometimes only see the darkness. You push the LIGHT and COMPASSION back into my heart and spirit. Cheers! Karen
I was def an anxious type from childhood, alas the trauma that changed me began 3 years ago. I wanted to know why is he doing this, WTH happen to him to make him like this, WTH am I allowing his treatment of me? It all makes sense now on my end as well..just like a perfect storm. But so much more to the story. Moving to be with likeminded spiritual people 1500 miles away because he was one of the leaders. A few self unaliving attempts..
All in a year. I’ve been processing for 2 years & would take his phone call in a second. Oh yeah. Did I mention my son & I live with my elderly sick parents? Yeah. Still get to hear how I “need to” do this & that over healing. I honestly am too overwhelmed to know where to begin.
I find this information very enlightening. I have an anxious attachment style due to coming from a childhood of mental and physical abuse.
I was dating a person with an avoidant attachment style bur we've since moved to being friends. Shes a wonderful person deep down and this helps me understand the dynamic. I feel like I can be a better friend in being supportive and understanding with this information
Another fantastic video! I'm learning so much about my upbringing, family dynamics, and why I am the way I am through watching your videos. I will seriously plan to binge watch your channel haha
Hope you find this video helpful🙏🏻🙏🏻💕💕. What are your thoughts about how these childhood attachment strategies might show up in your life and which ones do you think are the most impactful and/or hardest to change?💕
xo
I seem to be avoidant, yet my mother was overly doting, overly into me, I was an only child, and she and my father fought a lot. I was my parents' life. I think I became avoidant in response to a break-up at 19 from my high school era sweetheart.
Being agreeable and willingness to compromise. To want to step by relationship differences and go forward but also wanting to communicate about them when they come up. Being too free with compliments and positivity with my partner
Thank you for making me realize what my ex DA did that absolutely destroyed our relationship and tore into my soul! You’re the first person that seems to put it out there in black and white.
I think the father can be as damaging with attachment as mothers…. It was my father who used to tell me it was my job to care for my siblings not my mother.
Dr Sage, cheers from Paris! Your name means WISE in French by the way. You are as wise as you are talented, and attractive if I may.
This was a VERY interesting video, but may I suggest inserting timestamps and timecards? And for example, one of the last things you say here is GOLDEN: "YOU CAN'T HEAL WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. AND IF YOU CAN'T SEE IT, YOU CAN'T HEAL IT."
That, for instance, deserves to be written. Also for non-native english speakers, homemade subtitles would be great. In fact I could help you with that.
Thank you!
Wow-anxious attachment caretaker. I got really sick a couple years ago because I ran myself into the ground.
This is excellent!
Wow. This is accurate! I'm anxious attachment style and my ex is avoidant. Thank you so much!!! I'm extremely sad and feel guilty for not knowing this during my relationship.
Great, now about 2 months after my last relationship ended, I realize that I'm disorganized, bordering on anxious attachment style and he was the opposite, avoidant attachment style.
It's how you forget that makes you love. Think about that in all aspects.😢😮😂🎉
All very true. Hearing it out loud when it applies to you is quite challenging.
You explained this so well. And you’re really beautiful also. Thank you for making me feel seen and helping me understand myself better x
Thank you for sharing this powerful information. It’s freeing to know that our thoughts around relationship issues aren’t always what we think. Time to start focusing on myself more and my needs to help better my relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years. I know it will improve our connection.
Great information. I’m 59 and just separated from my third husband. Never had this information. Thank you for sharing.
You're so welcome - sending you support🙏🙏
I SO see how FD up I truly am. So now that I realize I have not healed, now what? 😞
I love your content, you are so accurate, its crazy how on point and specific your examples are and how I see it in myself and some of my loved ones :-) you've definitely gained a follower, this has helped me in so many ways, thank you ❤
What abeautiful house you have. Must be providing you with lots of calm
I am 53 and just figuring out I’m an avoidant in a relationship. I have googled a lot about this. Everything explains what it is but not how to heal it
I would also like to know how to heal avoidant style could you recommend a book?
@@susanpaquin1631 ua-cam.com/video/Sgw5Zb34bgM/v-deo.html
I feel like I'm a mix of both, but lean toward anxious. It hasn't been a pleasant life this way.
2:13 avoidant
Hi Dr Kim...I took 6 pages of notes...I'm going to figure this all out with your extremely helpful videos... thanks so much for all you do...Sheri in Florida
Are you an avoidant? Or dating one?
A severely dismissive avoidant friend copes with his neuroticism by constantly insisting on being light-hearted and pursuing fun. “I just wanted this weekend to be fun”, he protested when I tried to talk to him about his avoidance.
This is so incredibly accurate.
11:04 oh shit
Love this ❤
I'm the anxious attachment
I loved this video!! Amazing
Thank you..Can you make a video on how to go from anxious attachment to secure 🙏🏻🙏🏻💗
Thank you for making this video. I can relate to everything you mentioned relating to being anxious attached and it's great to have this new level of clarity and awareness about myself.
New subscriber! Helpful information...the maternal rejection I relate to...
I am an anxious avoidant. What we dont want is for you to be preoccupied with us or the relationship. We see its not healthy , and we do care, we just know you need to work on youself just like we are working on ourselve by being alone. We need that time to evaluate and think
This is spot on!! New subbie
So who is a good match for an avoidant person in a romantic relationship?
I suppose a good match for anyone would be a secure-attached. But we all need to work to become that ourselves first. Too many want to claim they're a victim in a relationship when they're not healing themselves.. just blaming the other. I'm (ashamedly) dismissive-avoidant & looking to become secure. Best wishes!
That’s a great point. I was stuck in victim mode for ages thinking why is she so cold, capable of being so mean and emotionless but we are all equally messed up, it’s just different coping strategies.
My girlfriend of 8 months (who had a traumatic childhood) ended our relationship today, for (in my opinion) no legitimate reason. This is the third time she has done this and it feels like she is pushing me away more than not wanting to be with me. The first time she called me (after dumping me) and apologized, and the second time I called her to resume the relationship. My gut is telling me not to do that again. Any advice???
Sounds like she is pushing away so that she is in control of the break up. Testing to see if her fear is right. U could try reassuring her that u love her & will be there once she’s thought things through. Obv there’s a time limit on being there but maybe not tell her that straight away. Give her the space but let her know u love her.
It has to be her idea of you two are to truly reconcile. I would leave her be until that happens-otherwise she will continue to associate you with pressure and discomfort. In the meantime live your life without her, work on you and be free of the joy and cold abuse that had probably trauma bonded you.
Don’t go back to her. Hot and cold behavior is detrimental to your emotional health especially with cptsd if you resonate with these videos. The person who yo yo’s their partner is to be avoided at all costs the behavior is telling given the short amount of time in the relationship.
best video ever!!!
Brilliant explanations of these 2 difficult attachment styles! Thank you!
Thank you for sharing your knowledge. It's so helpful on my healing journey. I understand more and more what is happening with me.
How am I both of these people.
If you relate to both you're probably Fearful Avoidant.
Very helpful video. Since you usually list symptoms, could you list ans pin them in your videos
Wow 😯 this is really insightful
Thank you, great explanation!
Thanks for the knowledge and insights Dr Sage.
Thank you 🙏🌺
very good video
Great video! Thank you!
this did kill my relationship 😢
Could anxious attachment handle guys with kids if they themselves don’t have any?😕
Yes. But you need to get help if you can for you so that you're not clinging to the guy.
Simply an accountant lifestyle on stocks and bonds
The roller coaster ride to the bank account
We are simply not having it
AFFA angels never die nffn HMS council
So what do we do to get better? Do you have a book? I can’t afford your counseling.
book: attached
You need self love. Address your traumas...truly focus on you. Set goals that you will achieve. I am getting therapy for anxious attachment...setting goals for me...such as returning back to college, fitness goals, concentrating on my kiddos and being a better mother/person. Loving myself enough to be selfish for me...once.
@@fruityeva where I don’t see it
Awesome content!!! 🙂😎
Thank you so much!! 😁
What is the point of being with a dismissive avoidant, then ? I don't get it
What's the point of being with an anxious person?
Cos they are very good at showing love sporadically
No one seeks out a partner because of their relationship style. They fall for the person and learn that fact later on.
@@brianna094 correct!!!
@@brianna094 so true !!
Very helpful thank you.
Right
All my social connections were terminated 8 August 2000 at 18:34. I never bothered replacing any of them. Today, I still have no friends, no girlfriend, but more importantly, no drama, no conflict, no liars, no hyoocrites, no users, no fake girlfriend. I will never bother with making friends, nor a girlfriend, again. The negatives of being social are enormously numerous. The benefits of being social are extremely low, whereas the benefits of being social are very few.
You mean Tuesday, August 8th 2000 at 6:34 army time? Youve been friendless for 23 years now? Wow!!!!😮😮😮
@@terrycraig6386 More importantly, I have been without fake girlfriends, false friends, liars, hypocrites, users, narcissists, hate, abuse, nor financial drain for the sake of, "friendship," according to them. I believe I have gained a lot more benefits than I lost by deleting interpersonal, social, interactions, connections, and bonds.
Engulfment fears?
The fear of being overwhelmed with love and losing one’s autonomy
Don’t take their rejecting behavior personally, because it’s not you.
Can you change your attachment style?
Do you offer sessions?
A friend of mine actually told her boyfriend she was pregnant just to see his reaction 🤯🤯🤯
Yikes
This triggered me sooo much 😢😢
Recovering Anxious who just stopped dating a fearful avoidant.... yea, you do the math lol
Just don’t catch feelings
I don't know what I want for dinner and, generally speaking, I don't care. My husband gets around this by offering me a few options and watching my reactions, like my infamous Elvis lip curl, which kinda translates to "yuck". I may not know what I want but throwing out ideas makes dialog possible, along with my nonverbal reaction, gives a better idea of what I don't want and that's a start.
But if you don’t care. …. Then just feel grateful that he cooked. …. If he cooks, and you don’t care what, why worry about getting around that? Just let him cook what he wants. Or are you SAYING you don’t care and SHOWING the sneer….? That’s mixed messages from you. …. If I was your husband I would just cook and you’d eat and be grateful for what I cooked.
My partner can cook me ANYTHING and I’m happy. I don’t give mixed messages. … I consistently am happy if someone else cooks. ….
@@MellowBellow1 Dear mellow...The topic isn't about my husband's cooking, it's that I never know what I want. I am grateful (I hate to cook) but when he does cook, he tries to please me by cooking something that I am in the mood for. I just don't know what that is (often it really doesn't matter to me) so I can't give him an answer. Same for going to a restaurant. What type, Chinese, Mexican, American, IDK??? Hopefully, that's less confusing to you.
@@pauladuncanadams1750 I’m not confused at all. I never said it was about your husband’s cooking. What I am saying is, if you can’t decide, don’t decide, let HIM decide. Because constantly having a convo about something you can’t decide is an exercise in futility.
He can just decide what to cook without having to ask you. You will be happy and you can discuss something more interesting and less “stuck”. ….. try it. It might feel good for you both.
@@MellowBellow1 Well, we've been together for over 30 years. But I wouldn't call that stuck. 😉
@@pauladuncanadams1750 I notice you keep changing the subject. I’m talking about being stuck in a habit that you offered as “good advice” to others. Yet it’s very evident there is no value in the habit, apart from you to have a chance to reject your husband’s suggestions about food, that you actively state you don’t care about. So why have the conversation ? Why have that stuck routine? People can be together for 80 years and not realise they are doing crappy things to their partner.
I re-state. If you don’t mind what you eat, let your husband decide and just eat what he decides. Try it. … the only reason you may not want to TRY it is because you like the toxic game you’re playing. And avoiding responsibility for it when called out. ( by telling me I’m confused or taking about things I’m not talking about. ). You’re gaslighting yourself if you think that works. …. It doesn’t.
This SOUNDS like a person w/ NPD???♡
@ Danita Oliver, anxious attachment is the effect on the child of the mother with narcissistic personality disorder…similar affect though.
@zackmackmusic6655 I have such a hard time accepting that my mother is narcissist but this is me so idk how else to explain it 😢
AP Protest behaviors actually mirror narc behaviors. DA literally just isolate take care of themselves and not burden others.
🤯
I stayed single for a reason.
Holy Shit! Melissa Etheridge is a psychologist relationship expert now!?!!? 😲🇷🇺
Huh? I don't get it????😅😅