The Real Reason People Get Defensive
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- Опубліковано 26 лип 2024
- Most people think they are standing up for themselves when they're defending themselves to someone because they think that person is completely wrong about them - but that's not true. The real reason people get defensive either at work on in any of their relationships may just blow your mind.
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#defensiveness #egowork #personalgrowthtips
"If you think you haven't done anything wrong, there's nothing to defend. If you think you have done something wrong, there's nothing to defend!"
This quote really resonated with me, Julia! As always, this video is more than awesome!
Glad it connected my friend.
I recently let go of a friendship (only a few years but I felt we were kindred spirits) after I’ve been finally finding my voice in the last 18 months at 45. My ‘friend’ of just a few years off and on let me down big time for the 3rd time and did initially apologise profusely, however, I expressed it did actually upset me this time and why, trying my hardest to do it to it in a candy coated, kind, diplomatic, empathetic, caring and communicative way (like I do with all my other close childhood girlfriends who are truly there for me and we always work anything out). Well, she became really defensive. Like how dare I be “upset and cold”.. The level of defensiveness was such a game changer for me suddenly and she actually took her apology back, tried to turn it around and then acted like the victim of all things. After a lot of therapy and self worth work, I feel it was the right decision and am feeling really empowered by being honest about it and actually going with my gut feeling, having boundaries and actually implementing them for safe and healthy 2 way friendships. Thanks to anyone who reads this and is working on themselves too, it’s tough!.. lots of positive vibes to everyone from Australia! Xx INFP ❤️🙌
This is so insightful. I struggle with being defensive. I take it so personal. Being defensive is a communication killer!
Yes, it cab be really hard to not take things personally. I always try to take a step back and a breath and reflect on why I'm taking it personally and whether in fact, it is (which it never is because nothing is personal), but sometimes my brain needs extra help remembering that.
I think root issue for being defensive is because I was being misunderstood and blamed for things in childhood that were not my fault.
Whoa! When you said “I’m going to go ahead and leave that judgment with you” that hit me...I love that. Julia always nails it. Thank you ❤️
Really glad this connected.
That is a great quote.
I guess there is also a difference when you get defensive because you are fearful of something wrong with yourself versus you feel shameful that you are judged in the wrong way. Shame from others is the situation when we want to defend ourselves and I feel there is a huge difference between shame from others and shame from ourselves. What I often observe is that if you don't defend yourself and point out the flaw in the logic of the person who judged you, you will get judged again and again by this person which is annoying.
I feel defensive when my feelings are being invalidated and unheard.
Personally I don't think that the problem is in you but in the person that invalidates and ignores your feelings. If there is one thing I don't tolerate it is that. That is the most common reason I break up with people. Even my own family
you learned nothing from this video.
Wow, this really hit home. Whenever my husband and I are out, sometimes I get criticized because I'm not doing what everyone else expects for me to do. I'm a private person and I've learned that there's nothing to defend.
Yes. You are never required to meet other peoples arbitrary expectations of you.
The idea that shame is what's lurking beneath defensiveness was really helpful. Also, learning self compassion helps give more stability
Shame is a tough feeling to unpack and you explained the horrible, icky feelings and discomfort very well. More about tackling shame would be awesome.
We go deeply into this in The Shift Society - are you on the waitlist yet?
@@juliakristinamah Yes! I just signed up for the wait list. Trying to remain hopeful and positive and learn from the materials you have out there.
What's the wait list??
I put up with people even into my forties criticising me, telling me that I'm doing things wrong, and that they are going to tell me that they don't like what I'm doing. You're damn right I get defensive now, and I don't put up with it. If they don't like something about me that's too bad for them. This has nothing to do with shame. It's got to do with me being fed up with douchebags trying to force their BS onto me. Whatever "calling out" is I don't care. They can go to he'll.
I've had it with being told that I'm always doing the wrong thing. People need to quit "calling out" other people, and mind their own bloody business.
I used to feel defensive now that I’ve learned reassess how I react and get comfortable with the uncomfortable, it’s been a peaceful life now ♥️
It took me a long time to learn that there is nothing to defend and to walk away from negative comments and unwanted advice
Simply the reminder to take a breath and think and be curious about it and basically everything
Yup! lol
I'm on the wait list 😊 The part of this video that resonated with me is when you said "if they are wrong, there's nothing to defend, if they are right there's nothing to defend, there's just taking responsibility". I also found the shame part of defensiveness very relevant to my journey. I didn't realise that I was experiencing shame when I become defensive. A therapist once told me that when you become defensive, it's very hard to benefit from the feedback you're receiving and so you can't learn and grow from it if you refuse to receive it. I was told by quite a few people when I was in my twenties, that I become easily defensive.
Glad it connected Claire. I used to really get defensive too - until I realized that I really didn't need to.
@@juliakristinamah thanks for your humility. I appreciate it. 🤗🙏
I think this is half right and half wrong. Sometimes I get defensive because I fear the person is right/wrong and other times I am simply being assertive.
Sometimes however, assertiveness is mistaken for defensiveness and that is incorrect. They are two different things.
An old manager at work kept putting false labels on me, micromanaging me, making sly comments, picking at her perceived problems with me almost every other day. She was wrong and I defended myself to protect myself. I was A-O-K until she came around me. (I think I could take criticism as long as its constructive, correct and fair).
I agree! I actually have dealt with this quite a bit this year.
So true! Assertiveness can easily be confused for being defensive.
I agree - partly ;-) Do you think it's being defensive if you are simple asserting the facts or calling out unhelpful behaviours? I wouldn't call that defensiveness - I'd call that asserting your preferences on how you want to be treated.
@@juliakristinamah I would call it asserting my preference on how I would like to be treated because, there has been times that I stayed quiet and it pained me after to know that I stood there and took or listened to rubbish.
@@juliakristinamah good reply Juli!!!.
I believe that at least some, if not most of the time, I get defensive because of the tone in which I am criticized. Often my critic is offering nothing constructive: picking a fight with me, or in the middle of an argument about an unrelated topic will tell me "You ALWAYS do" so-and-so.
This!!
The tone and it’s hard to talk when you don’t know what tone they will use. I try my best to talk gently but sometimes how my family has treated me in the past comes up now because I think they will talk to me disrespectfully
I used to get offended when people would call me a b****. All that means is an unagreeable woman. I don't want to agree with someone trying to manipulate me. Now I just smile and say thank you.
I realized that I too give unsolicited advice. I know how I feel when I receive it.
This clarifies so much for me.. I struggle with this and have been told this many times, actually lost jobs because of it.. where were you 10 years ago… thank you so much 🥰
I don’t get defensive any longer as I have learned to own my screwedupness wholeheartedly.
I never thought someone would explain the complexities of human defenses so deeply! Respect to psychology and people who understand it so well and help others with their shadows!
Whoa!! My husband calls be defensive in every conversation we have. I'm not always trying to be defensive, just give an understanding as to why but I guess that's defensive too 🤷🏾♀️. This will be a hard homework assignment that's for sure lbs
This is literally me 😭
This is really good. I’m in AA, on page 417 of the Big Book is a paragraph that would compliment this topic-“And Acceptance was the answer to all of my problems today”🦋
Excellent Julia, step back, reflect, make amends if you want a relationship back.
I went to trauma therapy for ptsd, and an sooo grateful, now I do not get defensive, I rather try to get
A conversation with the person who critizoced me, I do not feel shame or guilt anymore.
It is sad to try and reconnect with my dysfunctional family but they are still on that level ......
Hi dear Julia I tried to comfort my little sister WHO get this flashbacks fr our childhood, i listened for hours and comforted her as well as i could, we had difficult parents, but now after my PTSD therapy iI managed to leave all behind me.
, sadly my SIS has made really weird comments i feel ” threatened” and really got gut problems IBS, again, and i don’t know HOW to Cut the relation, i realize she needs therapy ..... but she still gets defensive, she Lives in another country so we only have contact on the fb and Mail and sometimes Call. Now i want to cut the contact HOW should I formulate my words without hurting her, it is dragning me down in that negative spiral Just as I managed to get out investing lots of work and ti,e with my terapist.
Or just say sorry i hurt your feelings i apologize.
Such good advice to stay calm and to respect oneself and the other. I don't comment as often as I watch your videos, but they are awlays a strike to my mind and heart. Thank you!
Ms Julia you were on it with this one. Every single thing you said I could comprehend completely. Thank you for what you do for others.
Thank you, Kristina. I needed this
Super helpful! Thank you Julia!
Saw this a while back, as in churned in my mind I shared it on fb today. It blends well with something I heard a few months ago; " to envy is not masculine." Being "enough" with your possessions or situation or your plan to improve is how secure people lived centuries ago.
Hi Julia, so glad I found this video of you that gave me the right advice that I have been needing this week💙
Wow!! Thanks for the clarity! Needed this. 😌
Absolutely! Glad it connected Joyce
I really needed this. Your videos give me relief. Thank you so much Julia xx
This is the exact time when I needed to hear all that. Thank you!
I love it when that happens! Glad it connected.
Really a helpful lesson for me to give the judgment back, not to defend myself, being OK with my decision.....or not saying zip as the sarcasm did not hurt me. Thank you for in-depth lesson and your own story about parenting.,
You're incredible, Julia. Always great energy
This is good stuff. Remember that someone’s opinion of you is none of your business.
Hi happy to come across this video, struggle with conflict, correct perception, personalising and taking things personally. My immediate reaction sometimes with a new engagement is defensiveness, and sometimes I can cross into being offensive, and later regretting it very much. Being dismissed, misunderstood/unheard, or 'devalued'/invalidated can trigger feelings of defensiveness in me.
I just love your videos. Thank you so much for all you do. I think we all get defensive so I will definitely step back and take notice.
Great! That's a huge first step
Thanks so much for this Julia everything you have said makes sense ❤️🙌❤️
Perfect timing again!❤ Thank you!💞
Always mama ❤️
Such an amazing video! I Really Got a lot out of this. It's hard to take a look at yourself have Grace patience and love and learn rather than beat ourselves up
this helped me alot... my family is very defensive, even though this was not a vid for me.... it was for me.... you vocalize thing so well!!
Great video, Thank you!
Sharing this video to Twitter. So helpful
Gosh this is a powerful one Julia. You've got to be really comfortable about yourself to do what you're saying.
Totally Sean - this IS the work.
Julia, job well done!
Wonderful video thank you for educating and informing us
So very true!! Thanks so much!!!
Hello, I’m Rebekah and finding your videos so helpful. Thank you , very enlightening. Blessings
Hi Julia.I agree that people become defensive, because deep down there is that fear that there is real truth in the argument being given. However I also agree that we should be careful in becoming defensive.we dont owe anyone an explanation unless we consent it.
I always get compared to others what they've accomplished & how well they're at work that I'm not good enough as they're, I've been defending myself for this & argued.
After listening to you I feel much better 😌
& I can improve my skills
Thankyou so much 😊
So I'm dead wrong. I am. I'm married to a vet with ptsd and bipolar 1 and i have heaps of my own baggage. I drink too much, on my patio alone. It's a lousy coping skill. I don't need him to tell me that. I just took a full time job, another part time job and therapy to fill that time and change my life. I hope the rest of this video defuses my defensiveness. I'd really love to hear peoples stories even of you're in the middle of the process.💖
Great video 😊 this happens at my job
Very insightful and helpful
Thank you so much!
Love you Julia Kristina 💖 Thank you for doing what you do 😁
Always Ana. Really glad you're here.
I understand your words, and value your message. Hard for me to actually put into practice.
I hear you Julie. Are you on the waitlist for The Shift Society? We dive deeper into these concepts and really work them out. It's an incredible community and teaching program.
I really like your intelligent, and honest insight. I always learn something new from you Julia. Best wishes....
Thanks friend - that really means a lot. Glad you're here.
Thank you for this video. I get defensive when I am accused of doing or saying something that I never did. Or not doing and saying something someone else feels that I should have.
Yes, I feel the same way
Very helpfull for me! Thanx! 👍.
Thank you!
I start feeling defensive when someone attacks me the way my family used to attack me before I left home. My family was fine at whatever I did as long as I did it in the form of their comfort and happiness. As I got closer to the middle/end of graduate school I realized my overall health couldn't take it anymore and I left that part of my family. But even when I try to visit a small handful of close friends at a couple of former colleges I used to go too I am finding out that their are a lot of faculty/staff that mimic the same behavior of my family and invade both my personal space and privacy. I have tried to be reasonable with them with no success. I stopped visiting one of the colleges; however; there is one friend at the other college that I look up to as a father figure so I can't seem to stop visiting once in a while. But watching videos like this seem to help me get over the amount of guilt I feel when thinking/dealing with these people thank you for posting.
Thank you for sharing this Jennifer. It's given me some very helpful insight and I appreciate it. It seems that you have made a lot of progress in your journey and that's something to be really proud of.
Those trapped in the dysfunctional family pattern do not even understand, it is so amazing to be around and see this phenomenon
9:45 Along the same line of what Brene Brown pointed out; "I'm sorry, I made a mistake" is guilt. "I'm sorry, I am a mistake" is shame.
Just : Thank You Very Much ! 😌
Always friend.
You are sooo fantastic !
Thank you again”
Such a great video Julia! I can think of times when I got defensive. It is because we are afriad they are right! So true! That strikes a chord! Those things our siblings say, right ? LOL
Facts 👍!
One way to know the validity of a subject is vigor and persistence with which it is opposed - "Positioning".
I feel defensive (or do I?!!) when I continually have to set the record straight with someone frequently making assumptions and expecting me to role over. These are not truths they’re blurting, or at least not the whole truth. I’m talking about situations either taken out of context or are simply fed with information that is not true. When one has to continually tussle with someone carelessly shouting out these untruths it’s not possible resolving it with subtlety.
Hey Julia, thanks for the amazing content. Do you have anything planned regarding trust issues - what they look like and how to deal with them?
I encountered a situation like this with a close friend the other day, where they cancelled our plans at the last second and I expressed annoyance and asked why. They followed up with getting super defensive and saying I do not need to know everything and to just deal with it. I was not even being impolite, I got really surprised
I'm generally concerned that blocks of society are becoming judge, jury and executioner attacking others who have a different point of view.
Literally just sent this video to my ex wife slash mother of two children after I called her to discuss something VERY important in our oldest daughter's life like very important. Within 30 seconds of the phone call she does the same thing she always does got defensive, started an argument and hung up. I text her called out the behavior and asked her why she always does this. I then text her this video. I know she is too prideful to watch it but I truly believe if she did she would be a better person for it I even told her as much. This happened about 15 minutes ago my bet is she won't watch it.
My husband gets defensive a lot and that just makes me think he's a liar..
👌💞🍁🍂☺ thank you
You are so good 🍁🍂😉
I feel defensive because I feel like I always have something to prove to others. Or like I always have to explain myself. I think that’s because I feel that people have to always understand or feel where I’m coming from. When they don’t. As long as I do. If that makes sense.
I think it's just because people are hurting. People say things that are hurtful. I often just feel hated. That's when I get that tight feeling in my stomach.
I would join the shift Society but I can't use a computer all I have is a stupid phone it's the opposite of the smartphone thanks again Julia good to hear from you I will link in and do the mindfulness exercises they help I've been dealing with a lot of stuff lately but I am holding fast🤠🐕🏚👍
I get defensive when my boss blames me for something I didn't do. Sometimes people put you on the defense
OR... sometimes people really are just full of shit. And it really galls me when somebody accuses me to of being "defensive" when in fact their positions are formed in ignorance. And to ask me to reflect on their ignorance is simply too much.
What if you haven't done anything wrong, but you are being accused of something? If you don't defend yourself to the person accusing you, that person will go on thinking incorrectly about you, no?
Do you think there's a difference between standing up for yourself or asserting yourself and defending yourself?
Julia Kristina Counselling Thanks for the reply!! I just attempted to articulate the difference to myself and I couldn’t, so I guess the answer is no.
@@scnupe7 I think defending ourselves comes from ego, and standing up for ourselves comes from our core values.
@@juliakristinamah I guess the confusion lies in how we understand the term "defence" such as in thinking the same goes for physical and mental self defence such as using the art and skill of karate or baser reactions of biting back, fight/fawn/freezing and/or going silent when dealing with an attack that threatens your physical or psychological survival such as bullying, harsh unjust criticism, false accusations, intentional projected shaming or assault you do need to "defend" or protect yourself against... silence may not seem assertive but it may be the only thing that saves your life or sanity in the moment... I can also see how being assertive, standing up for self and accountable for our own role in events is beneficial in situations but there are some times where gut reaction type "defence" has a place such as a sudden vicious attack or as a response after serious abuse has you in a reactive state and it's the best you can manage. I think there's many who don't understand the difference or who need be in a more conscious state of awareness first so your video and therapy perhaps, help people develop skills and find better ways to respond. Such as being well prepared, diffident and able to act comfortably to say "that's not true", laughing, walking away or asking "can you tell me how you came to that conclusion?" may be seen as asserting yourself if falsely accused but it would depend on the skill and awareness of the people involved and the situation. Thanks for helping me as one of many I'm sure who'll benefit from your good work.
Wow Julia this is exactly what I do all the time with my Husband & I don't like it one bit. It also comes from things that happened at my apartment when I lived by myself for a while until he got here finally for us to finally have our lives the way we have wanted all these years. But what happened at my apartment deep down inside Julia I feel shame to this day 😔 so it's easier said than done. Anyway, I am happier with myself and that I am not that way at all nor will I ever be again. But I believe I feel this way because deep down inside I feel that he hasn't truly forgiven me for it. But Julia I defend myself because I am really not the type of Wife that had things happen so I then when he makes comments or remarks there is nothing & then if I think there is something there actually is nothing as well. Thank you for this wonderful video as always & really I am trying very hard not to feel this way but I believe it's going to take alot more work than I thought & than my Husband thinks too.
I've defended myself when people said something about me to my face that I thought was disrepectful. I wanted to set them straight. I also had reason to believe they were hypocrites for having what I believed were similar flaws. It does occur to me to behave like the opinions of those people don't mean anything.
I feel defensive about two people that I love bc I want to protect them from being talked about and that's why I get defensive bc I need to protect them
There is no shame in calling someone names
Can you do a video on cognitive distortions and how to identify & cope with them? Thanks in advance.
No matter what I do, watch or write down and even if I remind myself almost everyday, I still get defensive. It's like I can't control myself. I actually feel shame about that (ironic). I don't want to ruin my relationships anymore. The ppl in my life are great and I feel like a villain...
OMG you are FrEaKin amazing IDK how you do it! I will share, I was very defensive earlier this week... since I am home 24/7, 132 days as of 07.22, I have been walking about 6 miles for some exercise... (I live in an LA suburb) I happened to stash the key to the house I rent in the ½ alive bushes near the front door, the shorts I was wearing had no pockets... it happens. I got a txt from the guy who owns the house... apparently he randomly showed up around 7:45pm to rake the front yard dirt or something IDRK? We have very very different ideas about maintenance very very different ideas... to me the house looks unoccupied due to the state of the paint and "yard" (dirt and weeds in front) it is his house, enough said. Somehow he found the key in the ½ alive bushes in the dark and continued with his paranoia that someone is going to break into the house... from what I understand he reads the next-door app for the neighborhood like a crime novel. I txt back, ok my bad... yes it is mine thx ttyl... but when I got home he and my key were gone... =( sad-face...**sigh** He did show up 20 min later with a long long story about how he found the key in the ½ dead bushes and he was scared to death and didn't really know who the key belonged to... Yes, I felt defensive to say the least! I know myself... when people make requests without putting in the work to create credibility with me... I get triggered... I can deconstruct it... I understand the root of this is my narcissistic parent who uses most conversations and interactions as an opportunity to create conflict to win and temporarily satisfy their fragile ego. So I will keep all and any keys on me... until the next thing, next random visit and round of stories with false victimhood... deep breathing... thank you for listening .
@Scullery Maid thank you so much... right! It all the little things that add up to a lot!
What about if a sibling says, I refuse to talk about xxxx, this is my final word. Is,nt that kind of blocking the situation to
Continue with the same dysfunctional pattern, I feel sad for the kids, they will feel it, it runs from generation to generation.
I intend to argue ...somtime I want to be right but not smart.i love pepole and talks when I feel triggers and fear of being attake then I react and being defensive...
Dear Julia,
Regarding the topic of this video, could it also be related to the kind of relationship we have with our ego ? Do "shame" and "ego" (always) go together according to you ?
Is it because I am struggling with cpsd couse narcasist abuse?
What guidance do u have for workplace defensiveness when someone feels your not doing your part at work
How do you know your shame is unjustified? How do you know it's not guilt?
What do I have to feel shameful about when I get defensive towards ppl that my kid's father (whose a sociopath/narcissist) has tried to start issues with constantly between everyone that we both come into paths with? .. our kids coucilor, teachers, my friends that he's dug his claws into, ECT? He gets to everyone and starts trouble everywhere I go. I'm constantly on defense mode instead of learning to take a breath and be ok.ughhh.. but not ever situation is the same
Julia when you used your example, l'd love to have heard the follow up to how you deal with your parents criticism NOW that you don't get defensive, ie what's the healthy alternative in that situation (besides telling them to..... up!) 😂
I honestly often don't say anything - or I say something like "that's an interesting perspective."
@@juliakristinamah Thanks Julia for that ❤️. Easier said (or not said) than done. To be able to get to a stage where a person's body isn't triggered but rather curious.
I just wish that a new department manager would come along that will let me do my job. Not some nit picker, its an insult to my ability and self management.
Monday night I had to call the police on my neighbor at 1 in the morning. I am fed up of the sleepless night he afflicts on me and my daughter. He is a drug addict and he was on drugs that night. I thought I had a gorilla next door.
I felt bad for my daughter and yes probably shame that my daughter had to go through this and I don’t want to move cause I invested a lot of money here..
Normally his dad lives next door but he’s met someone so he left the house to his drug addict son , he’s very well aware of the situation of his son. That is not helping him at all. The son has a daughter ... poor child .. from this aspect it’s so sad
Oh, I feel for you and your daughter. I also feel for this neighbor, I imagine he needs a lot of help. You will get through this and come out stronger in the end.
The opposite of addiction is connection. He probably lacks love and connection. 🥺
Positively, Positive : you know it’s been going on for the last two years. I need my sleep!
The same day that it happened I was in the garden thinking of trying to start over and go and see him and offer my help. But he is beyond help , he’s been at it for 15 years.
The father is also bullying me so this is beyond repair..he needs professional help..he makes his own drugs with white spirit and other chemicals.
He probably is lonely but he shouldn’t be on his own. His father is not helping letting him stay in this house by himself and having a 6 year old daughter over .. I find I need to step in for the sake of the child and get the man help but I can only do that through legal system