How to deal with defensiveness and defensive people
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- Опубліковано 25 лип 2024
- HOW TO DEAL WITH DEFENSIVENESS AND DEFENSIVE PEOPLE
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In today’s video, I’m going to teach you how to deal with defensiveness and defensive people. I’ll start by taking you through the 7 most common signs of defensiveness so you can identify it as it happens. I’ll finish off by giving you some useful tips on how to combat defensiveness if it has taken over your conversation. If you've been asking "how to communicate better", "how to improve your communication skills", “how to be less defensive”, “how to have better conversations”, then this video is for you!
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I wish I could share this with my SO but she’d probably still get defensive about it
It can be frustrating - I find that often the people who get the most defensive are the least likely to do something about it!
I’m in the same boat 😭
Facts💯 but I sent to mine anyway! I mean if I didn’t nothing will change and if she doesn’t watch it and gets defensive, well I won’t be in any worse spot
Amen brotha
RIGHT?!...lol
Defensive people drains my energy.
Right!!!
Same!
Well, yeah. You're always having to climb that wall
You probably caused the problem.
Can we just put all the defensive toxic angry manipulative people all together in a certain geographical area so the rest of us can live kind, considerate, communicative, boundary respecting, honest, good intentioned lives in paradise?
This would be my genie wish
Nobody’s perfect
My friend is very defensive, we always end up arguing.
Same here!! It’s so annoying, I always think of what i say before saying it…
Right now I'm waiting for my boyfriend to get home so we can talk about something that bothered me in our relationship that is important to me, but he's always incredibly defensive. He does all of those things pointed out in the video. I was baffled.
Watching this was very helpful and wish me luck!
Leave now! Trust me.
My husband does all of these. Thanks for the ideas. Having an hour break apart at the moment more for me than him. Pretty sure he's a narcissist because when he isn't doing this, he's telling me why I'm wrong about everything including what I"m feeling.
That's sad. I hope you've found some healing and support since you've posted your comment.
Narcissists have a deep core wound of shame. Shame and empathy can not coexist. Brene Brown says they are on opposite ends of the spectrum. I agree.
Almost everything a narcissist does, is to protect against feeling the shame...or from others really seeing behind their "mask" (facade created to hide the shame, things that they feel shameful about).
All this posturing, can include criticism, accusations of wrongdoing, that are actually projections from within them. They are trying to get those things away from themselves.
Most of this is highly unconscious (or subconscious). They are far from aware or introspective...introspection would trigger shame. Hence, why a lot of narcissists won't admit fault, look inward, or work on themselves...doing so triggers shame. Feel him shame makes them incredibly uncomfortable. Therefore they do almost anything to alleviate that discomfort.
I hope you are taking care of yourself. Having your own back, is one of the highest forms of self care.
Started working with a new lady. As soon as I give her any kind of direction she gets very defensive with "I know how to do that!", "you think I'm stupid!" and "do want to find someone else?!". I try to start with a compliment on her work & then explain I'm only training her. It's really awkward and tense. But 5-10 minutes later she acts like nothing happened and she's my best bud. It's almost like she's trying to victimize herself at the time. I've never met anyone like her. I also strongly feel she might have a metal illness of some kind. I'm literally lost for words! HELP!
I’d bring it up to those in charge and if that’s you then she might need to be let go. Gather evidence and examples over time, write down the encounter to present those in charge. Insist that you really can’t figure out a way to deal with her and give examples of all the solutions you’ve tried. Show all this to Managment when you present you case. If you write performance reviews make sure they reflect her defaults and belittle her the entire performance review to show her who’s boss. Say things like she’s probably a lousy partner and that why they always lever her, she’ll ever amount to anything, how ugly she is... you know really nice and deep (ok this last part of the performance review was a joke... my weird sense of humor) but yeah make sure it’s annotated in the performance review and give examples and ways she can correct her behavior.
But in the end she’s likely not worth training and Keeping around and you should find a more suitable employee.
My current manager is like this. It plays out exactly as you've described: We waste about fifteen to twenty minutes at the start of each interaction with her yelling at me before we actually start to tackle whatever is the work issue. I believe she thinks I'm accusing her of incompetence or negligence when I ask for clarifications or want to make suggestions.
I've tried all sorts of ways of introducing topics gently so to avoid the explosions but I've not fully cracked the code yet. That said, I discovered the size of the audience matters in her case. Bringing up the suggestion in a big meeting with other staff watching is particularly touchy. Approaching her one-on-one still causes an explosion, but it's much smaller and she's also more likely to listen.
I also found I need to praise her first. Like, "That was such a great idea you had for ____. I was thinking we could also ____."
It's hard to implement that when I'm in an aggitated mood myself though. Listening to calming music before our meetings and phonecalls actually makes a difference.
Many defensive people have strong core wounds around shame…and fears of being incompetent and /or defective. This usually develops in childhood, so it’s deeply programmed in the subconscious. Anytime anything gets near that psychic wound can cause a reaction akin to touching a hot stove or a sharp knife. They want the pain to stop & resort to more primitive reactions. This is rarely conscious.
Imagine a dog at the pound, who has been hurt, neglected etc…and you try to approach and only have good intentions. The dog has it’s past history and wounding as it’s worldview, and likely will react negatively. It takes a long time for it to feel safe again.
Many defensive people are stuck in a fight/flight response & have never had the training to emotionally regulate and process experiences. They haven’t been trained to question the limiting beliefs or negative conditioning (and then subsequent thought patterns) and instead automatically react. It’s heartbreaking when you zoom way out…when you can see them as a scared little child, confused and unsure, not having the safety to just be.
The quotes you shared are quite telling “you think I’m stupid”…that sounds like that is very likely her own internal dialogue (and fear) towards herself. She just projected it out and accused you of thinking it, when it’s already how she sees herself…but doesn’t want to.
Often defensive people mix up their mistakes or incompetencies with self identify. If they make a mistake, they often erroneously jump to “I’m a mistake”…it makes it very hard to communicate about issues due to this conflation. If they could see that we all make mistakes and that’s ok, they could give themselves grace and compassion. That’s often one of the biggest barriers though.
If we told someone they were a green 3 headed caterpillar with purple spots, most people wouldn’t have a defensive reaction (ok, a rare few, who are hyper-defensive, might)…because we aren’t hitting up against any internal fears about self. They’d either laugh, or think we are weird. They wouldn’t make it mean anything about themselves though! There would be no prior emotionally entrenched programming around being that caterpillar!
Lastly, I’ve found that some of the most difficult people in our lives are teachers of bigger lessons. It’s challenging, of course, but when we take the opportunity, we can see through a different paradigm and depth.
Hope you didn’t take her behavior personally. It wasn’t about you 💫
@@shaun_rambaran sounds like you have a brilliant approach of praise first and then a suggestion. That sound congruent with the non-violent communication approach.
I love that you institute self-regulation techniques too!
@@Alphacentauri819 Excellent, you understand. Thank you
Some of your examples point out two serious problems to watch out for, too: gaslighting and straw-manning, which falls in with avoiding personal responsibility.
This is a great point, and might be a future video ;)
@@mindfulcommunication4702 I am working on my defensiveness. Than you for your video!
Soooo true! I had a friend is like that, distorting your statement, or putting stuff into your mouth. Then you started to apologize for the stuff that you never said or explained your statement again. But when you stepped back, you realized that this person is just making the fault falling on you.
You! Grew up with a younger sibling who gaslighted!
I do all this, and it helps in navigating out of the conversation. But when I actually need to come to some sort of solution with other person, it doesn't do anything.
I’m a new mom 10 months I was out of town and he brought flowers and put them in a vase. I had been home for a few hours and didn’t know he placed the base of flowers in the living room. I tried to make it known to him I appreciated his kind gesture just my mind was thinking about a million other things. Visually I didn’t see the flowers at first but when brought them to my attention I was so grateful to have them. How to handle such a situation?
This was very helpful. I try to do those steps all the time. However, when I see toxic reactions towards me though I am striving to see their need 1st, I can get hurt and feel the need to repeat myself because I don't feel heard and I want to be treated just as considerably as the other. So I will work on my part. Thanks for the refresher tips again
"However, when I see toxic reactions towards me though I am striving to see their need 1st, I can get hurt and feel the need to repeat myself ...." If you're getting toxic reactions towards you then maybe start analyzing the tone and manner in which you're communicating with these people. You may have subtle (or not so subtle) ways of packaging your remarks (ex. body language, tone, etc.) that are eliciting these type of responses. Perhaps, you can eliminate the perceived toxicity from the start by paying attention to these non verbal cues.
My mother will ignore me for the rest of her life before she will let me talk to her. I've been trying to have a conversation with her for 18 months. She has martyred up. Given me the silent treatment. Stonewalled me. Accused me of shouting. Told me to think of her feelings (while ignoring mine). This is the HILL SHE WANTS TO DIE ON :-(
Taking a break sounds lovely.. it’s difficult because EVERY single interaction is defensive. It’s hard.
How much of your year was spent on breaks? Asking for "a friend"
I have a roommate who is defensive and I don't want to unintentionally hurt her feelings when saying what needs to be done. I know the consideration doesn't go both ways but I feel like this is a good tool to have. Also I've been there soooo 🤷
Me: "I don't know how to deal with your defensiveness."
Her: " I'm not defensive!"
Thank you. I'm gonna take all that info and use it the best I can to try and improve my relationship cause boy do we need to lol
Thank you & God bless!😊💕
i have a very defensive girlfriend and little patience so its a fucking nightmare sometimes. I come from a family thats not about pettiness or beating around the bush so i literally dont understand the defensiveness sometimes. We both agree you need to do this yet if i EVER bring it up its "I know, i know!" and then the person proceeds to not do shit about it. Then when your ready to leave the relationship they are wondering why its so fucking frustrating.
We all make our bed, we all have our own fate, destiny. Everyone learns and knows things at different times, and we can't all expect to know the same things at the same times, we have to be patient with defensive people, all we can do is let them know we are there for them.
But what if they're attacking you a lot while being defensive? It's so hurtful when my partner does, and when I cry, he blames me some more, of faking it, and afterwards when he calms down, he doesn't even apologise.
I don't know how it would be helpful to remind him that I'm there for him. I do it though, during the fight, at the beginning, so that he doesn't fall into extreme defensiveness and blaming
Great video, very helpful! The examples where spot on. You just got your 500th subscriber👍🏽
Best explanation I’ve ever heard thx..
Thank you so much for this it's weird because I can communicate so well with strangers and friends but it's like my mind goes blank when I start communicating with my husband and that really makes me sad I'm trying to accommodate to him and to me as well so that we can have the best communication
Thank u... This will help me..👏❤️
Great Video!
Thanks for the insights, Jon! :)
I'm glad you found it helpful :)
#6 is SO my sibling!
My boyfriend does EVERY SINGLE one of these. Being in a communication-less relationship is so exhausting. I’m so tired of being the only one trying to make this work and being gaslit and dismissed all the time.
Knowing this, what new actions are you going to take?
Mindful Communication I tried talking to him about it. He even DEFENDS his defensiveness 🙄 I guess I’m settling and accepting him for the way he is. In a way it’s giving me the fuel I need to stop caring and let go.
@@mindfulcommunication4702 I let go. It’s done.
@@ElementRewind That must have taken a lot of courage to do. And by saying no to him, you're saying yes to yourself. Good for you for taking care of yourself
I agree.
Very very helpful content!!!
Tha k you so much for this
My grandma will take ANYTHING personally. She is also verryy OCD. She will argue and find reasons to be defensive at me for monotonous things, such as wether to wash a can... It is too tiring to speak to her anymore
i offered to take a break and continue later, the other reacted “i don’t wanna continue, cause i’m not interested in people who just keep projecting”… What now? 😃 I was enjoying that i didn’t get defensive and that i could stay at ease and playful while the other person kept getting more and more defensive, especially when i said that i notice the defensiveness and i would like to continue another time…
And i’m not gonna keep on trying to resolve it, when it’s obviously one-sided 🙂🤷🏻♀️
Way to go, Adrienne!
Nice video - Subbed. I'm suffering from being overly defensive and is starting to ruin my life, so i will be taking what you said onboard. I'm surprised to see so few views and so little subscribers. Hope people jump on your bandwagon. Thanks again!
Thanks for being transparent. You will do fine. One step at a time and as you see yourself as a mirror reflection, you will be able to fix what needs to be tucked in. People who are open and seek support, help are successful. Pray all goes well for you and your life and for your family as well
Very insightful
Very helpful, made me realize I do put others before my issues during our talks, and how I can address it correctly instead of getting off topic and ignoring why I needed to talk with my SO in the first place. Thank you
WOW, you just described me ! Unfortunately, I am myself defensive , close to the end of my relationship cause i cant stop being defensive, no matter if i tried , its like at the moment i cant control it!! I really dont know what to do!
Kudos to you for being 1) able to notice it and 2) being able to admit it! Those are the first key steps to become less defensive.
These are instinctive, automatic, biological reactions. The best thing to do is to continue noticing when it comes up and, when it does 1) relax your body and 2) apologize to whoever is around. It's as simple and difficult as that!
Write yourself a note about this and that you want to stop it and why….something for your future defensive self to read in that moment that might get you to quickly snap out of the behavior. Title it “(name), stop! Remember your true self wants….”. Then Show your partner what you wrote and ask your partner what they would appreciate you did or said instead of defend in those moments, write those suggestions on the back of the paper. Title the back of that paper “things I’m committing to do in place of defensiveness.” Laminate it and keep it somewhere you communicate often with that person. Tell them the plan is to try to communicate there and ask your partner to pick up the paper with the “stop” side facing you and hold it in front of their face as soon as they notice you getting defensive. Then tell them you’ll read it and try a replacement behavior on the back to test out instead. You can also ask for a time out to just go read and reflect and journal about what it was in that moment you were thinking and feeling….then share the journal with them. Whatever comes out in the journal is the personal work you need to commit to in therapy to address the issue at the root. Keep using the prompts in real time to help create a new pattern of responding and the positive results and feedback you get will help encourage you. You can do it!
That's why I'm here. My roommate 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️
I literally said oh wanna get a Christmas tree?...and she said what type of tree. I said ohhh a fake one because if we choose a real one we have to water it. She said 'what? no you don't it just dries up'
I'm like .... It's a fire hazard.... Like it was just defensiveness out of nowhere. 🤦🏽♀️ It's always like this though.
Great video!
Thank you, Stacy!! I'm glad you found it helpful/enjoyable :)
Succinct and informative
Honesty I see all these things within myself and it hurts to deal with this. People think is easy but certain trauma really makes this hard.
Trauma definitely makes it harder. And, power to you for taking this on anyway! Really inspiring :)
Hey I know this is kind of random, but I'd love to chat to you and hear more of your thoughts on this topic. If you're open to it, send me an email at jonathan@mindfulcommunication.me and let's connect!
@@mindfulcommunication4702 I definitely will get in contact through email with you.
IFS therapy and parts work, emdr therapy, and support groups for trauma/abuse and DBT skills can really help. If you don’t have money for therapy, read the self help books and buy the corresponding workbooks. Try Pete walkers book on cptsd, Patrick carnes book on betrayal bonds, no bad parts book, any of the boundary books by Dr cloud and townsend. And all the workbooks . You can do it! It is a long road to healing, but you’re walking the road of life anyway and if you don’t heal as you go, you drag the misery with you and destroys relationships on the way. Start now, even if it’s a small step. You can do it and you’ll never feel more free. It will be worth every second.
I work with someone who made it clear he doesn't want to work with me. I got our boss involved because he's disrupting my work and it was horrible he was raising his voice and being incredibly defensive..I feel mentally drained. How do I work with someone like that?
a lot of people here are giving examples of conversations with someone who is supposedly being aggressive or defensive....but I dont see it. It actually seems like its the people giving examples of how OTHER PEOPLE get defensive who are the ones being defensive. Just my pov at least.
Keep up the good job 😍
Thank you!
For those who are struggling to share it with your defensive SO- try saying- “ you may find this useful if you find me being defensive when we speak”
I grew up with overly OBSERVANT younger sibling. HE payed attention to like EVERY little thing I did . I felt like I was living with paparazzi. And my mom did NOTHING. About it. He even kept up with things I did in the PAST And brought it up in the present
People will say something and then get so defensive about it like "idc what anybody says" when nobody said anything at all
Blocks, yes. 😐
Good points and I watched this because I was looking for a way to describe my grandson's defensiveness. You should do this in a more fun way for kids and teens. This is great for adults but I need this for kids
Maybe you cen retell it to them. I'm 19 and I think I would appreciate this exact style at 15. Try to give them this, although you KNOW them maybe they're really young, not older teens
I am the AM at my job and I have a coworker who for some reason gets very defensive. I just make a statement and she thinks that I am implying or saying something about her or something she said. We had a dinner rush today which did not go well and when I tried to find out what went wrong she redirected back at me when I know what went wrong didn't happen in my spot on the line. Idk why she is so defensive but it makes it hard to communicate at all
My wife always in defensive mode..especially with her two kids. I have one(the youngest of all). She takes everything personal and if we argue badly..I am always the one to apologize even if she started the issue..am I doing something wrong? I am sick of apologizing, if she is rude to me in front of others(she knows she wrong) and will try to make up for it being nicer but never an apology unless I bring it up. Sick of it..
In the start of this video you said you made a different video before this one I can't find that video link please
Okay on the "yeah but" statement. WHy is it hard for people to listen to the why they did what they did and accept their appology? I don't understand why explaining to the other their actions is such a bad thing. it feel crippling to just say "your right there is no excuse I am the problem" it feels really bad and the other person just thinks your an ah for doing it in the first place. Why aren't people accepting the things that lead up to what happened so they can better empathize with them? You can just promise not to let it happen again.
Very helpful but link doesn't work
#2. That one 🤦♂️
But do I deal with the table turning type of defensiveness?
Shouldn't we stand up to passive aggressiveness... " why didn't you flush the toilet!! ( grumpy face ) " when a 999 times out of a thousand times you do...
I found my self being defensive in a straight up way.
" cant people just ask nicely "
Who asks "why isn't dinner ready yet?"
My friend is really defensive she always takes things the wrong way then starts she aurgument. example “ Me :Hey a lot of basketball players wear outfit like this her: No! Not all basket players drrss like that . And i don’t mean it like that. I’m a very joking person and i think i’m going to stop joking around with people
Dude I feel you 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️
my ex did all this and never changed.
What if no matter what way of the two you handle it, they still cut you off and throw quick jab comments when you're trying to talk? I'm not immature like this so it really bothers me. Even taking a break doesn't work. It doesn't stop till I'm in tears from his harsh onslaught that comes with his defensiveness. I hate confrontation. Tbh I'm thinking of breaking up because he's just immature like a 2 year old.
If you've given your all, and still are not getting the same amount back, love yourself enough to let someone go. You should always put yourself first, this person is draining you. Don't let that happen. Sometimes we just aren't compatible and that is okay, we can't fix people or help those who don't want to be helped. Best of luck to you :)
Shirking responsibility is disgusting
Ikr
Great ideas.. but you're assuming the defensive person has genuine communication skills. :(
For someone like myself, who loves intimate & detailed communication, a defensive, dry alcoholic who reguses to go to meetings bc he "isnt one of them & doesnt need it" bc he "can do it himself" is virtually impossible. MY feelings are never validated. And he never talks about his. So... yeah.. this is great advice for people who are willing to LISTEN & COMMUNICATE. ;)
That's a good point! That example you gave would be a VERY difficult situation to manage...
thats a toxic relationship communication skills or not. i have been through it with my dad but mother is even more toxic you need to cut out toxic people completely, they hardly ever change for anyone or anything and do not understand/hear what you are saying 100% of the time because they are stuck in their own world.
Sending you love and good vibes and i hope things get better for you
what about people who may not be willing to listen or communicate? what would be the best thing to do in that situation?
We should not have to be defensive or deal with a defensive partner/loved ones. Why do loved ones get defensive even if we show them love, trust, kind words & loyalty? Is this because of their childhood? Is it a personality type? 🧐🤨
It's because criticism begets pain, and you know how people are with pain; they will spend their whole lives avoiding it. More specifically it can be perceived as a kind of rejection of them. Validation is one of the fundamental emotional needs of people, and attacking that will assuredly illicit a less than desirable reaction.
Not too many people talk about what *really* makes people defensive at the root of it all.
It almost always comes from trauma. And unfortunately they don't take the right steps to resolve it so that trauma becomes a weapon that they use to inflict pain on other people. So many times, they don't even realize they're doing it. They just go off what they feel and act on that.
Number 2 is deflection
Perfectly defines my sister and other people in my family howver the examples you used in each poijt was not accurate like a defensive person usually makes excuses justifies theur actions, with zero evidence. The examples you used shows the victim of defensiveness has done something wrong for him to hear this BS
I can’t stop laughing at the garbage example 😂🤣🤣😂😂
I watch this video more than 5x 🤦♀️
I'm glad you enjoyed!
yo nice talk. but not sure about how you define excuses. if something stops you from achieving your goal. you need to identifiy the problem as something that excuses you from reaching the goal. Eg flat tire. getting sick. needing to let off steam after work. just seems like you are saying no one gets excuses. i would call it not taking responsibility. if someone gives an excuse on being late maybe just ask if you can give them advice, never deny someones reality!
I think there is value in trying to eliminate excuses from our behavior. In the professional world, it is far more respected to simply be on time and if you are late once, then to say “I apologize for being late. Would you mind catching me up, please?” When we give an excuse in that moment (ex: omg i got the craziest flat tire!) it’s viewed as distracting and not taking responsibility for our behavior that affected the other person. If something stops you from achieving your goal, I think it is more valuable to understand what you could do differently and change that. I truly believe there is never a need to excuse yourself from the behavior by making excuses that explain why what you did or didn’t do wasn’t your fault. That is ego and it is avoiding responsibility. Later, in private with a friend or a co-worker you can share the crazy tire story because it was a fun or stressful time you want support on, but not to use it as an excuse or justification to say it wasn’t your fault that you were late. Hope that distinction makes sense. No one wants to deny your reality. But blaming someone other than yourself might not be the true full reality anyway.
P.s. I think my last 2 sentences were the “yeah, but..” example from the video. Sorry, still learning communication here. I hear you that you want the right to express your reality, even when it doesn’t match that of the person you’re talking to, it’s still important to be able to express who you are and what you believe and feel understood and heard.
Yeah, the dry cleaning answer seemed legit.
@@massages_for_world_peace8909 i think we are saying the same thing. excuses are only momentary. excuses only give insight in to our thought process at that time. if what we say to protect ourselves is honest, we should get advice, have a joke, and look forward to learning more( just reverse that for the wrong answer)
life is full with surprises that will make you sound like your just making an excuse when your simply explaining yourself, understanding the difference between excuses and explaining is more based on the mood of the person listening
an excuse and an explanation are the same thing in my book and will only be received with advice
thanks for your insight krissy!
Or you can just find new friends
Sick of random holier than thou behavior from people