I just turned 60😳and I still don’t know squat about myself. I know this, I’m well educated, I’m a successful entrepreneur. I feel like I’m dumb, defective, I’m my own worst enemy. I HATE to be alone, it’s like torture, yet I’m alone all the time. I have been for about 10 years. It’s nuts 🥜. I’m trying to change. Tonight I went out, by myself...again...to listen to live music. I was the only person I saw without a partner or group of friends. At least I went. I know I come across as arrogant because that’s how a lot of people with social anxiety appear on the outside. So that feeds that insecurity. Idk 😐.... I know every day is precious. Yet my days are filled with loneliness. I’m on a hamster 🐹 wheel and I want off.
You are courages to go out - in your own company. It’s sad that you haven’t meet « open minded » people that evening. I hope, now after one year, your hard work been payed with meeting healthy funny loving people. I felt touched by your story, because our society is so wrong. Humans are tribe beings-:that is our nature. All love
I used to feel the same way when I was young and I vividly remember that feeling of insecurity and loneliness whenever I went out on my own. Over the years, I realized that doing things alone can be so much better than being with people who are not true friends and/or have different interests and values. Now I'm in my sixties and I do what I want, on my own, and it actually makes me happy not to have to worry about other people when I travel, for example. Stop focusing on what everybody else does or wants and start living your life.
One thing i think that you could give some thoughs on, is to try to stop comparing your life situation when it comes to friends family and partner when you go outside and meet new people. Comparison is going to feed that insecurity, which in turn will feed defenciveness and that will lead to the ego covering it up with arrogance so that you wont have to walk in the pain. You are not dumb nor defective nor your worst enemy, you are just trying to protect yourself from getting hurt, and the solution you seem to have is to keep social and emotional distance. Remember not everyone is out there to hurt you, try to take note when people are pleasent so you can confirm another reality, one where kindness and connection exist.
I know what you mean. I lost every friend and family member’s closeness through my own behavior and lack of care for them (trying to fill my void with their love), and then became a full blown addict and truly was alone in this world. The only way out is through connection, and it isn’t easy or fun at first, and requires constant work everyday, but it starts with opening up and becoming vulnerable to someone. I eventually realised that I had always been wanting connection but never getting it, and had to change my mindset from “maybe one day” to “this is day one!”.
I feel as though I have fell into this deep, dark hole with no way out. After hearing what a piece of garbage I am, day after day, year after year, your subconscious begins to believe it. Thanks to Dr. Carter, tables are turning and I'm being much more assertive and much less disturbed. I don't argue or try to persuade this person anymore. I'm not dealing with a reasonable, rational person. It helps to know your enemy. Thank you Dr. C for boosting me out of this pit.
For me the magic that turns the situation around is when I realize it's the other person who is sick. None of what they say and do is about me, it's all about them. Then I can start to work on myself in a more healthy way.
I feel you, brother. It is so rewarding to realize all of this and letting it go, afterwards. We are not, what they tried to make out of us - we alone decide, who we are and that we are valuable and lovable human beings.
bingo. It's freeing when we realize we DON'T HAVE TO respond to irrational, sick people. It's good enough to keep them at arms-distance, even when they are family members, ESPECIALLY when they are parents. : ))
When my girl does things knowing that they will upset me, and repeatedly does it or will start an argument, just to get me to mirror her, which stresses me out. Then she starts gas lighting. I have to focus and try hard not for my subconscious to surface that’s when she likes to point at me and say I’m the monster.
Don’t let others define you! Decide what sort of person you want to be and don’t let anyone rattle you. I won’t tell you how long it took me to get there but narcissists helped me learn it to survive.
Facts 🔥, I agree & this is exactly what came to my mind too...narcs try to set you up for failure in the presence of others, if you take their bait, they win! If you stay true to who & what you naturally are you will stay Winning! They can’t be You!🥰
I totally credit my narcissist family for preparing me for a career in a male dominated field. All the egos and domineering personalities just rolled off my back. Of course, I left that industry because even though you know how to navigate it, it diverts energy from a living a healthy life. .
I have decided to gain as much knowledge and information as I can learn. Knowledge is power. I am sad sometimes, I have had to accept that my friend P. is very broken. He is able to have an unconditional love for his cat. I am glad he has this love in his life. It is the ONLY relationship P. feels safe. I forgive him every single day. My anger is the result of expecting him to change. Feeling better means taking responsibility for my part in the relationship. I want to exert my power over me, ourselves is all we can change. It's like they have Bi-Polar on steroids, brain injured people don't act right. I worked with brain injured people; they become easily agitated, argumentative and generally unruly. My sister was a caregiver for these folks as well. Once, my sister was taking her client for a ride in the car and he reached over and pulled her hair hard and down while she was driving. Scary yeah? Well, she placed him in a different seat in the car so he could no longer reach her hair. This is what it feels like dealing with P. every day.
I am a God-fearing person, but the expression "God doesn't put you through more than you can handle", well, that can be a very discounting response for someone going through depression. Being raised by a narcissist mother, and later marrying one, left me with very little will to live. I didn't want to die, but at the same time didn't know how to live with the pain these kind of people cause. I consider myself a very strong individual, and have never felt the need to drown my pain with any type of substance. I'm 55, a mother of 5, with three sons being marines, and in excellent physical shape, and above average intelligence, but emotionally drained from toxic relationships.
Don't fear God. Sorry. I didn't mean to tell you what to do. But God doesn't want fear. God wants love and peace. Just my opinion. Please 4 give my clumsy idea.
@@steppenwolf3252 being’humble is grace! It’s lovely how you tell your opinion, without minimizing « Angela’s” view. Me, I appreciate being reminded that God is loving, forgiving and peaceful. Thank you a lot!
@@lerouge88 I was shocked (why? I dunno) to check my email just now...feeling a bit down--when I read your unexpected message. It's been so long since anyone complimented me, I nearly fainted. Thank you bro. Your words revived me. Wow... (not that it's anyone's "fault" re: the scarcity of personal compliments. I stay in my room & mostly avoid humans...) Your words helped me continue with some tedious--but necessary--tasks I must do today.. Peace & Love to all.
@@steppenwolf3252 happy to read that my words did you good! Me too, I avoid social life, jokes on account of others, critics, narcism, social lies....if humans would talk friendly to each other -“what a wonderful world it could be” Love and light from a “sis”
When I am in the presence of an 'overpowering' person, I withdraw. Usually I am very outgoing but they seem to suck the very marrow from my bones. I have become aware that subconsciously, this is my freeze mode. A lot of work goes into overcoming on a conscious level. Knowing how to do this still alludes me.
This is what I do as well. Read above and I explain how I am handling that "overpowering person" in my family system. It really is a form of pushing me out of the family and I am replacing my old unconscious emotional reactions with thoughtful, conscious decisions that are helping me remain emotionally stable and having a stable sense of myself.
You've just described me also! It's very difficult though to withdraw from the overpowering person if that person is your partner or their offspring say... I too still struggle to know how to deal with this. Lets hope we can both find a way through Doctor C's teachings and start believing in yourselves more. X
I went into dependent reactor mode with a narcissist. It was like a regression. I felt like I was 4 years old, and he reminded me of my narc and double binding mother. Before I was an experienced and mature woman with a lot of creativity and talent, heading towards a successful future. This is 7 years ago and I feel I have lost too much with this man, who gave me nothing but pain. I try to get over it by realizing my plans that I had 7 years ago. I never will let this happen ever again in my life.
Me too! Before studying the narcissist's in my life, I never gave much thought to my reactions and how they were perpetuating their bad behavior. ("She started it!" doesn't work here ) Removing the trigger from their life and mine (i e. separating) has helped somewhat, but when I can't or don't want to leave, I can still look within myself for unconscious behaviors and defense mechanisms. Identifying these is just half the battle, however. I also need to consciously practice behaviors that are more desirable, such as biting my tongue when I want to lash out. After a while that becomes the habitual response, and with God's help. I reduce the times I am my Narcissists supply.
MJ go watch Dr Joe Dispenza video Most powerful strategy to reprogram your mind ...on UA-cam ... Actually I also would like to encourage to watch a few of them 😊
@@ecace8699 Great advice and very wise......Dr Dispenza is incredible and has helped thousands of people.......he is certainly a life changer....having spent over 30 understanding the mind, body and soul connection.....I would highly recommend Dr Dispenza too.....who has loads of testimonials here on UA-cam...:)
My challenge, even at "senior" age remains giving myself permission to be successful for my own good. I'm can do things successfully for others but self-sabotage when it comes to my own good, despite many efforts, workshops, self-help, etc. Love your videos. Thank you!
Yes, I think we are the people who have been often reminded that selfishness is always an insult to the people around us. I am slowly trying to think about why did these adults do that when I was a child? Maybe I was not considered as a person, just a machine that had to be in a certain way to work properly.
That permission thing is really tricky. I totally hear this, and I totally hear the 'successfully for others but self-sabotage'.... that's really hard. It's like if you self-sabotage - they don't get a chance too... yep. I would really love that key to for that to be unlocked.
I found to not buy in to their lies about me. They don't know who I am. This is taking courage because of course they were so strong when I tried to disagree. But we persevere. And win. And live in our new real truth about ourselves.
I think it not our fault they brainwash you into thinking you can't do anything without them, they get you to feel you cant depend on yourself to do anything, truth is you can, and don't need them taking credit for what you do,I'm a doer and really nothing gets done unless I do it ,narcs take steal credit for getting things done ,they act like the boss ,and gaslight you into doing a good job .behind your back they tell everyone who didn't see you do the work, that they did a good job .they take everything ,they can from you even feelings of self-esteem for a job well done .
About self-sabotaging, Marrianne Williamson says we're more afraid of success than failure, like afraid to outshine others or maybe to confirm the unworthiness trance we're still buying into?
It's really hard to step outside yourself and look at the bigger picture. This is when you have to hold up your internal mirror in front of yourself and see how you are acting and reacting. I have struggled with this and I'm learning and growing everyday. I'm rebuilding myself from 46 years of narcissist abuse. This video is exactly why I need you Dr. Carter in my life and in my journey. I am eternally grateful to you Dr. C. 💕
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later
I understand. I think I'm rebuilding from a parent that was a malignant narcissist and a former husband who has a couple of personality disorders. I'm 71 and I feel like I am starting to understand myself better, working to have a more peaceful interior while letting go of some unhealthy behaviors I carried with me from my childhood. .
I've been very triggered by my partner and his inconsistencies in extremely negative ways. Shouting, raging, etc. This is not who I want to be and I became consciously aware of it but must address my subconscious dependencies if I want to truly rise above. Thank you for this, Doctor Les! 💚
I have found that finding something else productive to do has really helped me with this. But you are right that they long for the mirroring because it validates them. Recently, I stuck to my guns in a discussion, saying "I guess you and I see this differently." And then just not contributing anything else after I had explained my position. It did not stop the argument, but helped me not to argue or mirror something I didn't want to.
Remaining present and 'in the moment' of present awareness around people who trigger you is vital. You may have changed, be in the process of changing (into present awareness, responding not reacting mindset) but some people will not allow you to change and will try to trigger you back into past patterns, stay strong, stay present. It' s difficult when you know these people are, and always have been trying to steal your light , God bless you Dr. Carter. ❤👌
Exactly that's maybe the most important point. *Pay attention*. Not only at what happens in the conversation, but also at other levels. When trying to solve internal issues, relatives can be the worst influence... maybe that's when you understand, sometimes late in life, that they never wanted you to succeed ! As soon as they see you happy, or liberated from a family block, they come back at you with a vengeance ! I call this effect "wall of karma". When you are trying to heal some subconscious wound, you first notice that most of the times it keeps reappearing again and again, you need to keep your calm, and be persistent, practice the new way... Then you have these family members gaslighting you as hard as they can, often with other people, could be officials they somehow manage to set against you ! Then you need to be more careful, cautious, check everything twice in your day to day life... as if changing something at the subconscious level would disturb your whole system, and you'd need to find a new balance, fine tune other automatisms.
That is true, ...if you improve your life, feel more confident, ignore what haters say, ....it seems they will find you to see what you are up to, and drag you backwards if they can.
I find myself following others behaviors. I need to continue to be who I am and not let them sway me. I need to make conscientious decisions about who I want to be. Thank you Dr. Carter.
When I react badly it's always because I don't stop and think first--I just react immediately; so I need to slow down; think about what the person said and then probably count to 10 before I respond in a better/helpful/respectful manner.
Ellen Sibille The “Counting to 10” technique has not worked for me. ( I can count to 10 in a couple languages and not feel calm enough. ). What I do to get back on track to my pre-frontal lobe is to begin reviewing multiplication tables. I start with 7x7. I am soon in a more conscious and thoughtful state of mind.
Ellen Sibille Thank you you’re common rang a bell with me. I find in the real world counting to 10 and taking a deep breath does not work. Life is too hectic. I wonder if Dr Lee could give us some advice on how not to react intuitively in the first place. Is this even possible?
Gregory Allan Yes. It’s very possible not to react right away. It takes effort & practice. It really does not take long to get pretty proficient at staying calm & not reacting right off. Our emotions and reactions are choices. Choose to remain calm and thoughtful. That is the first step. Then you need to take care of yourself. Appropriate sleep, nutrition and learn healthy ways to destress daily. Healthy destressing: meditation. ( lots of guided meditations on UA-cam) Talking to friends, listening to good music, developing a talent or hobby, spending time with nature... just look at clouds or flowers if in a big city. Look up ways to destress. Lots of fun, great ways to destress & self care. I’m getting a pedicure as I write this. You are in charge of caring for yourself.
This is the best explanation of the subconscious I have ever heard. Was anyone else taught in a religious context that being "independent minded" was sinful and "self will"? I was always afraid of thinking for myself.
Yes. Exactly. My father even called me "rebellious" when I began questioning religion and I ultimately decided to leave it all behind. I've found so much peace and acceptance in who I am now and especially of the differences in others.
Yes, coupled with rebellion, a favorite word. I began asking "rebellious to who?" Lots of things seemed so superficial, appearences, as oppossed to heart and substance.
@@missstacey2946 , I think we have to keep to what we know is good, that comes from, as you say, heart and substance. That could never be wrong. It's alright to be rebellious when your heart is in the right place. In fact, you help others when you adhere to your high standards of behavior.
MrTellyGunner Me too. As much as I looked to my bible study group and leaders for support, they were of little help. So I immersed myself in the YT channels, some were of spiritual directives and that gave me the validation to go No contact. It can be lonely and frustrating but hang onto your truth and be honest with yourself. I find Dr. C to be of supreme wisdom.
I find myself absorbing people's doubt about my work or about myself generally (my appearance, speaking voice etc). It has made me self-conscious and I don't stand up for myself. I don't back myself, because I fear the conflict. I need to become more self-assured.
I feel like no one deserves to be in a relationship with these people, i was in one but thank God i was able to find out in time, thank to mike he helped me hack her phone and i got all i needed for a divorce i even saw the evil plans she had ! if you need any help you should talk to him he would help you Text/Whatsapp +15182175945, @mikeswilfred on instagram
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later...
Understanding this helps alot. Since I discovered I was codependent, I've become more argumentative and arrogant when trying to express my feelings. I easily get sucked in and it's not helping the situation. Just making me look like the bad guy.
I have steadfastly refused to be part of my ex manfriend's drinking and bad behavior. When he would start to drink I would indicate that he would have to continue alone and send him off with his 🍺. He'd find every excuse to call, text or drop by, even though I wouldn't answer. I've blocked him, but he sees me as his counselor and still tries to bring his troubles. I told him "I can't help you" . His life is such a mess and getting worse without me around to apply the breaks on his impetuousness. I refuse to have CHAOS rule my life! Being empathic and still being able to see the good in this man, makes this all very difficult for me. I receive calm reassurance in Dr Carter's words to keep focused and true, and sane. Deeply thankful.
I got caught up today in conversation with a woman who was criticizing the HOA members. Afterwards I realized I had mirrored her criticisms and didn’t want to be that person!
@@DrLesCarter Thanks. I just really appreciate your insight and advice. I recently dumped/kicked out someone who I believe is a covert narcissist and your channel was one of the first channels I started watching to figure out that situation.
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later
I feel like no one deserves to be in a relationship with these people, i was in one but thank God i was able to find out in time, thank to mike he helped me hack her phone and i got all i needed for a divorce i even saw the evil plans she had ! if you need any help you should talk to him he would help you Text/Whatsapp +15182175945, @mikeswilfred on instagram
When you fully grasp that you are your own standard , it effectively translates to how you view people , their opinions and your reactions to them. When something or somebody is your standard , you will never attain it.
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later...
When you have 2 narc parents, you grow up really lost AF. It can be very damaging to all aspects of life. I just thought everyone was terrible and awful and abusive and cruel.....and then I met my xhusband and he validated it!!!
Again thank you so much🌟 I grew up in a VERY dysfunctional family and have lived most of my life either hiding from it or fighting it. The values you share feels like the home I’ve always hoped would be and it’s such a deep relief that my little inner voice is validated 🌟thank you, thank you 🙏
This guy is freakin' AWSUM, spent the whole summer listening to him while wrkg. So wish I knew about him years an years ago as I came upon three people who were not far from evil but if one learns about these people thru the kindness of this good man explaining things, I am off to a much better place. Les, I give 2 thumbs up
No. Contact. The best two words I heard in 2019. Changed my life and gave me time to absorb these videos. My narcissist isn’t even challenging me because she can’t remember her rages, so she has no clue what happened. She just knows that I know. After 6 decades, I’m free!!!
Being married to a NARCISSIST 35 yrs. I have learned alot from your wonderful videos, I now set boundaries with everyone. I try to treat others how I want to be treated.
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later
How did you do it? I been with mine for 10 yrs and fixing to leave as it is doubtful he will change, I am dealing with a covert malignant narcissist, plays head games to try to drive me mad and insane....so done with it.
@@yellowdayz1800 it's hard.. I rent a room from a friend and try to have very little contact...I'm always on guard and very careful how I answer stuff..I divorced him once and he tricked me in thinking he had changed...he didnt..now remarried 7 yrs to him..
Yes, I have reacted automatically many times when others went off the deep end. I have learned that I am the captain of my own emotional state of mind. Every one of your videos are very helpful. Keep them going!
Hi Dr Les. Wonderful video once more. Here's my contribution. I find myself getting too annoyed over silly things, even shouting down the phone at times when I phone a government department or bank etc. and find official call handlers not listening or able to respond to my queries properly. Sometimes when I drive too, and bad drivers annoy me - even swearing and name calling under my breath at them at times (when I am alone in the car and to myself not winding the window down and shouting at the drivers). Alone or not, I don't like being like that. It shows a lack of emotional maturity, which I desperately want to display at all times but never quite manage to do that all the time. I am also a Christian and it freaks me out that I can act so out of sync with what a good Christian person should be - patient, kind, humble. In my conscious self, I am empathetic, caring, considerate and want only what is best for people, and I hate evil, cruelty and abuse of others, but when I act like this 'throwback from my past' I am acting like a selfish person who behaves as if all others should drop what they are doing and attend to my needs, understand my perfectly and on my terms, etc.. I got that from narc parents who never used to listen to each other and talked at each other instead - even raising voices to ram views down the other's person's throats. So it became ingrained in me too for a long time and it is hard to get rid of all of the narc fleas you catch from being in a dysfunctional family - even after years of healing and prayer and support, which I cherish and appreciate. Sometimes I interrupt people too, which I also know if sub-consciously fall out from my past too. It is just something that happens spontaneously. Again, I hate myself for not pausing and just leaping in and greeting someone when they are on the phone to someone else. Yet, I am the first to criticise others for doing exactly the same thing to me.
as someone that has worked thru some selfish habits (maybe some a bit different than yours) and being a Christian i can totally relate to you. I just wanted to say that it's really admirable how self aware and self reflective you are and how you have worked to be a better version -kinder, nicer, etc thru healing. I found that it has taken me constant work on myself (improve self esteem, tolerance, compassion instead of judgment, etc), healing, rewiring myself (learning what is and is not mature, emotionally intelligent, etc) and choosing the more mature, empathetic each time till it comes second nature bc of habit and bc I'm at peace within myself. I still have a way to go but this has worked for me. You seem to also have worked thru a lot to get to this point. May God keep giving us strength and guidance❤ with the help of resources/ppl like the dr
Dr. Les, I am looking forward to this upcoming video! I do often find myself responding in an unhealthy way, but internally. In other words, I don't say or do anything outwardly, but I do feel a kind of stab in my gut when triggered by an unkind or controlling statement or action by another person. Holding it all in is done by reflex, and the feelings linger for painfully long periods of time. I am learning to consciously identify the feelings, such as sadness, hopelessness, anger, frustration and then allowing the feelings to dissolve. But I would love to become "proactive" and not have the stabbing feeling in the first place.
@@watcherwlc53 , I know, but I thought it might help to remember that most often it's coming from a person who has "issues", and maybe we don't have to take it so personally, even if it feels like a personal attack.
This is such a great video! My ex-boyfriend did all he could to make me look like the person he is to his flying monkeys. Once, It came to my attention that he had cheated on me and was trying to deceive me, I changed my approach to him. He wanted me to be in open relationship with him when he was already cheating on me, and I said NO. He wanted me to remain his friends after all the nasty stuff he did to me, and I said NO. I never told him that I knew that he was cheating on me. His plan was to have as his backup plan as I didn't love myself more. He lost his marbles once he realized I knew who he was. Long history short, he manipulated our relationship's status in order to feel good about the person he knows he is NOT, but I let him know that I was aware of all his manipulative and nasty behaviors towards me, other people, as well as his previous boyfriend. In the end, he stole money from me, stole my belongings, lied straight to the police once I had to get the police involved in order to get back some of my stuff. my ex's agenda was to move in with his new toy and to keep all my stuff, once when I met him he did not have a thing, and then, once he proposed to me, I thought we had a plan, I started spending money and buying the furniture. I realized all his agenda when I found out who was the person he had cheated on me with and the reason for his persistence on a specific day for me to pick up my stuff. Guess what? The day he "wanted" me to pick up my stuff was exactly one day after he'd had moved in with his new boy friend's place. So, he meant to steal all of my stuff. I told his mother all about it and even his own mother was so embarrassed by what my ex did to me. My ex treats his own mother like s**** why would he treat me better?! Later, he found out I was talking to her, because my ex's mother called him out about what he had done to me, and he accused me of harassing his mother. What a poor and dirty soul! My ex-boyfriend has been one of the nastiest and most narcissistic people that I have ever met. I could have sued him, but in the end, even the cops told me that he was unworthy and should love myself more and take good care of myself from that point. Afterward, I moved on, have worked on myself, trying to be a better person, and more aware of all the narcissistic patterns in people. Two months have gone by and I feel amazing about myself again, reading much more, sleeping better, and I will be going to my 12-country-Euro-trip in 3 months. All in all, the narcs will do all they can to make you feel as crazy as hell. DON'T take their bait, go away, and NEVER EVER look back! I am still heartbroken, but I'd rather deal with all the disappointments and frustrations than be unhappy in any kind of relationship. From the bottom of my heart, I wish him all the best, but there's a lot of fish in the sea, and I do want to meet and be in a relationship with honest people not with liars, dishonest people, and deceivers. Good luck, people!
Where your heart lies, so too there will your treasure be. I used to think the best I could offer those around me was what I thought they expected & asked of me. But if I follow my heart & love myself through all it's cracks & bruises, I have so much more to give to everyone around me & don't subconsciously resort to control tactics. Thank you for sharing these videos!! Sending love~
Oh, I take on everybody else's problems. I absorb their pain and take the burden of fixing their problems on myself. So dumb! Then, I never finish my own responsibilities or accomplish my own goals.
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later
When I feel tired and stressed I take any criticism very personally and get depressed, but I am learning to set boundaries and tell others that when I need to take care of myself I will stay away from non-constructive criticism and either rest by myself or talk with someone who is supportive and understanding of my difficulties. I am learning to be less codependent. It's hard work as my subconscious is my own worst enemy much of the time due to childhood trauma, but I am learning to comfort my inner child and tell the inner critic that they can talk away but I choose not to listen, and in fact I choose to replace them with a more compassionate way of treating myself. Thanks so much for your very useful insights. I was married to a narcissist and managed to get out and rebuild my relationship with my son who had been turned against me. I also managed to regain my financial stability and cultivate authentic and healthy relationships. I have a generic movement disorder which is painful and distressing so I struggle with social anxiety and insomnia, but I love to connect to others and help them, while remembering to take care of myself too.
One dependent reaction I have is when I want to ask this girl I like a persuasive question involving spending time together. I usually get nervous, so a healthy alternative would be to take a few deep breaths and ask the question so she can be welcome to say yes or no. I got used to the toxic idea of “let me shower this person with unhealthy attention so they don’t leave me” which I’ve been trying to overcome. Thanks so much for your content Dr, it really means a lot to me, there was a point in time where I thought I’d never change, but it’s never too late!!!
Dr Les, you have just described exactly what I’ve been experiencing lately. I am a mature 58 yr old woman. I’ve been in a 3 year relationship with a narcissistic man. Watching your videos has helped me so much, as I’d never experienced these kind of people before. I’ve been so anxious, and disappointed in my own behaviour lately. I do feel I’m not acting my usual authentic self when I’m around this man, worse still! I’m acting like the very person that he is? I’ve had to take a step back to examine my boundaries, as he walks all over them!, I’m always striving to be a better person. I’m more empath than most. Lately I’ve been plagued with a swollen, sore throat. I feel it’s my throat chakra blocked due to never being able to fully express my feelings or concerns to him? He only ever sees it as a criticism about him, which then sends him into a narcissistic rage!! I feel emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually stifled. His ego knows no limit, it’s all about him, him, oh yes, and more him! I’ve actually got to the stage where I can’t be bothered engaging with him anymore, I’m too exhausted!! He does a great job of hiding his true colours around my family and friends, so they find it hard to believe when I tell them certain things that he has said, or done. Il keep listening to your wise words. 🙏
My Astrology chart makes me vulnerable to narcissists because of super sensitivity and an overpowering need for embodying fairness for all, but, never giving into deception and mask wearing, it's why I've had epic showdowns with them and they can't work out why I won't hide myself or change for their approval. Proud to be a Narcissist upsetter. I've grown very strong lately, you helped Dr Carter, boundaries are so hard and are like uneccisary structures to my sense of being but I see how important tgey are so I attract others who also like to just connect and share and enjoy life as it flows, love, discovery . bless your bright soul 🙏
Thank you - falling into that trap of anger and sometimes mirroring behaviors is truly detrimental to a balanced way of thinking and living. Living around an emotionally stunted or troubled soul does tend to rife and patterns that become unhealthy.
This is an issue that held me back for longer than I would like to admit. You have such great insight into these types of issues, it really is nice to hear someone that acknowledges and understands things like this. You are doing a great service by helping people come to terms with life's "curve balls". Thank you sir. I look forward to hearing more from you in the future.
So rightly did Dr Les. I am a very quiet person, very calm and thoughtful. If anyone tries to be verbally abusive to me I simply move away and cut off from that person. But I react very badly to my narcissistic mother when she hurls abuses at me and tries to steer any talk to prove that it was all my fault. This is not me. And the mere fact that I am turning into someone like my mom scares me. Now I will definitely try to control my emotions and would take care that my mood and happiness doesn't become dependable on her and the way she wants me to be. Thank you for your guidance.
That is a good remark that made me think: When someone is too angry and yelling or keeps on telling you to do something : it means they are depending on you for that . They need that respons from you. / Its better to be honest about what you need from someone, instead of coming up with a whole script around it to convince or bully someone into doing something. I think we should be more honest about why we need someone to do something . That means more honesty about inter personal dependancy. But if you ask, people can say no. (Otherwise it would be a demand and not an open question). And if you passive agressively make someone act in a certain way you are so dependent you cannot accept no for an answer. So openly say you need something is less dependent that covertly demand it. I think we all are dependent on each other, that is what relations are made of. But if someone saying no to something is inconcievable: thats when the bullying begins. I always just felt pushed into something I was accomodating just to avoid all the drama afterwards or was too tired of explaining why I didnt do or say something I would rather avoid the inquisition questioning my actions. I would in my head anticipate on the questioning and if I couldnt come up with a reason that would be acceptible too them and if it was a small thing I could easily do I would just do it. But your so thinking about what they think you dont have any own thoughts anymore in the end and you dont have any 'real' reason why not to do or say something or choose another type of job or partner or hpuse or what have you. If people cannot conceive you as a person with a torally different outlook on life and very diffetent interests, you stop communicating you real life and just tell them things that would be more in line with their standards or believes. And when they figured out via others what you really do they say: why dont you tell me anything anymore? So this person became aware of the distance and was sad about it but I didnt know how to respond anymore because I couldnt constantly stand up to her judgement. That was so tiring I always came home with a headache after a visit. It is sad for both sides. But so she needed something and if she would have communicated her true needs we could have talked about it. But without a genuin conversation I cannot really make real contact. It just felt like one giant trial and she felt like I was hiding things. Of course I was hiding the things that were dear to me and shared unimportant things. So sad but I dont know how I would have done it better.
I have found that I am quite defensive, it's been noticed by others. I am trying to stop my initial reaction and take a deep breath. I try to think about any messages I wish to convey and how I can do that with out sounding defensive. One of the many helpful hints shared by the good Dr is to speak from deep down in your throat. I have also recorded conversations that I listened to and I am able to hear how I truly communicate.
That's very courageous of you. There's more than the content of the words but even with those, since all of us write a lot, we can see our unconscious patterns showing up.
Dr. Carter - You are so right. It takes a lot of forethought, planning, introspection, and practice to be better at not reacting or reacting in better ways that align with what you want your disposition and personality to be. It can take months and years, and the old patterns seem to never fully go away, either. Vigilance is key. Thanks.
Choices differentiate us. The more you are able to make your own choices and have the people around you accept them as part of who you are the less you are likely to be needy of and retract to dependent reactions.
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later
My bad dependent reaction is I always let it be that if someone i live with is in a bad mood I start to panic and also have a bad mood and think I did something wrong. The better conscious decision would be to realize that people have their own reasons for being in bad moods and I don’t have to let it affect my mood. If I did something wrong they would probably tell me so I shouldn’t assume it has anything to do with me.
One of my vulnerable moments is that I found I was mirroring the narcissist mood. The only way I found to "cleanly" select an alternative reaction is to "LEAVE THE ROOM." After 10 years, I am tired of him ruining my life, making me unhappy and him telling me he doesn't want to listen to me talk at ALL. We don't communicate. We don't share a bedroom. We don't even spend our time off together. We live separate lives and share the bills, that's it. I hate my life at home.
I used to try and reply immediately in conversations, it was just a habit, and I realized several years ago that this can be really tricky. If you allow yourself to think for a second or two before you reply, you might realize what the other persons actually wants from you. Aggressive, controlling people will pressure you into reacting quickly, they will not allow you to think - like a promotional call. They will provoke you so you'll get more and more irritated and aggressive. Once you've understood that some people don't want to have a true conversation, they just want to catch your attention or manipulate you, it becomes easier not to get drawn into that responsive reaction.
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later
I think my biggest worst pattern is letting things slide with a narcissist, dancing their way just a little bit because the end result is what is desired, whatever it is, like getting a task done at work, and so a little insanity from the narcissist (who really hopes I'll be sidetracked into outward ineffectiveness and inward neverending blubbering) is permissable. NOT! It's a little late in life, but I'm learning to keep them (coworker, ex, mother) at a distance with neutral straightforwardness. It ain't easy to ignore my emotions, or opinions, or personal rights, but I have to sometimes in order not to feed them. It's like a necklace of garlic to ward off a vampire. And I "confront them" with "what do you mean?" and they honestly can't explain themselves except selfishly, and so I then keep going in my direction. They hate it.
Thank you for this video!! I am going through some of these things right now. I react to situation in a manner that I end up not liking myself afterwards. I recognized it is a pattern, a defense mechanism. Dr. C, I am so thankful for your channels. God bless you!!
I learned (from my parents) to be polite and respectful to people. So I was at first quite, even though they yelled at me. So I changed this way. I'm polite, if they are polite and I answer, if they are mean. Some people take it as your weakness, if you don't answer. And they get meaner next time.
This was huge for me to hear in such a clear way...It takes a hard work and determination to overcome the sick programming we received and developed. One can keep living in unawareness all life, but insight is the first step towards healing...Thank you, Dr. Les..thanks for turning the lights on in so many ways...I believe it's saving many of us from years of pain, self-sabotage, and abuse due to this lack of awareness. I appreciate you, and a few others who make it their mission to really help all of us grow and overcome.
My narc parent (and her husband) are always 'right' and want to prove that any suggestion I make is "null & void", or if i feel i can offer more info. than THEY know, certainly i have 'no idea what I'm talking about'. Even in my 50's now, I brace myself to be around them and put on an extra confident mode and feel 'on the defensive' for when I'm belittled. WHY does this irk me so much? I usually try to 'bite my tongue' and just tolerate the short visits while they last (but tough for me to do sometimes)☺💕. Thanks for explaining the subconscious and letting us "vent" here, Dr. C
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later
Currently, I'm in therapy with a psychiatrist (diagnosed with severe depression and adult ADHD) and through watching your videos, I am better able to have constructive things to bring up when I see him. This is much better than feeling frustrated with myself at the end of a session because I've felt as though I've not even known where the sauce of pain, frustration and confusion was, therefore bringing up seemingly irrelevant issues. Your videos are always helpful, thank you. 🤦♂️🤔👍
Well, you made me cry. Having someone articulate so well the experience I’ve had of turning into someone I actually hate was like lancing a wound. I hate you, thank you. Thank you soooooo much. ❤️
Great video. Reminds me also of a book I have on Complex PTSD, I'm definitely the freeze type. My predominant reaction to things "out there", are cutting people out of my life, avoidance, apart from small chit-chats when I walk the dog, I keep to myself, and use alcohol, another freeze type behaviour. It's not just people who get to me, it's this material universe, the cruelty of nature and nagging spiritual questions that totally get to me. Your question as to what our subconscious tendencies might be, I think with me it's the wish to be unconscious, so I don't have to think or feel anything.
This came through so clearly to me: thank you! ... My subconscious pattern of defensive retaliation often takes over when I am ( or imagine I am) criticised. I am especially reactive to anything that feels at all like ridicule. ... I have nearly always responded to those situations immediately, without any conscious thought, with a very harsh, personal criticism of the "ridiculing" person - sometimes with the common obscenity thrown a time or two for good measure (so "they" know that I "mean" it.). ... I am slowly getting better about this, working at hitting the "pause button" before lashing out. ... I am grateful for this video especially because the roots of this thing are made so clear and are kindly-described. That helps a lot to reduce self-blame and self-hate, and to be patient with myself (and others), and to stay committed to working at overcoming this. Thank you!
I noticed when someone is acting really happy and smiley about something they want me to buy into I can start to follow and have in the past. But now thank goodness I catch myself and correct my thinking and emotions. It’s amazing how it makes people act and look when they realize your not gonna follow.
I’m just the opposite. When someone is all happy and smiley and wants me to buy into something, immediately search for the lie or inconsistency and make them defend themselves. It’s awful. I can bring a salesperson to near tears in a moment. I try not to, but it happens so quickly the damage is done and I can’t reel it back in. I did it yesterday, thought I was being funny until I saw that deer in the headlights looking back at me. I wonder what causes that kind of attitude on my part?
I had interaction w a grandiose malignant narcissist. And you never knew what you were going to get. The entire family was afraid of him. I decided I was gonna be opposite and became a psychologist. I see those in my family who are emotionally dysregulated. I reduced my interaction with them and feel so much better. From a family systems view they ping everyone unnecessarily and some are low and mid level narcissists. Boundary impairment and desires to please the grandiose narcissist(who has been dead for 7 years). Judgment? I want to live consciously. I believe those trying to please dead people are living in an unconscious way.
*GREAT!! Dr Carter you have just a) described Pauls dilemma of chapter 7 in the book of Romans about "thats not the person I want to be and yet I am doing this?! Why is this?" and b) you gave a great hint to WHO the only perfect person in humankind should be we ALL should be oriented towards: Jesus Christ!* Absolutely, you did it in YOUR terms of a worldly psychology but thats exactly IT! Think about what you just said, that is perfect!👍👍😀😀
This is a great topic. Some of my vulnerable moments are when I feel guilted into doing something I really don’t want to do. Working on becoming more aware and taking care of me!
Thank you, Dr. Carter, another great video! How do I handle a situation with my narcissistic fiancé where he sees me being kind and friendly to others, and he insists I shouldn’t talk to them, and if I do talk to them, I should be rude and unfriendly. This is not my nature, and I will never be this way with others. I hold my ground with him in my fair-minded and compassionate way. But, unfortunately the outcome is always the same, he yells, shames, and threatens me with some type of retaliation for hours (after the terrible offense of me being nice to someone.) I’m at a loss for what to do. And all the stress he puts on me causes me to physically feel sick and have depression. I have to physically remove myself from his presence for a week or so to feel better again. My parents, who are 88 and 84, and the most loving, caring people you could ever meet, tell me this isn’t love or what a caring relationship is.
Thank you. Just keep repeating this stuff and I'll keep listening until it's pounded into my brain like the other reactions were for so long. It's catching up & taking over that old stuff more and more. My next step (working up to it) is to stare at my narc sisters' pictures until I work out my feelings and become neutral. It's a goal!
Call the red flag in some instances. A good example I can give is, sometimes someone you know say's something to you and you just get an uneasy feeling but you don't know why. Then later you realise that one way or another that person has been lying to you. What I mean is that the stimuli that made you feel uneasy was something that they have said contradicted something they had said previously sometime before but you had forgotten about that.
You really brought to light what I've been experiencing ALOT at work. Where I'm constantly in my head trying to gauge or figure out the people around me and how they are treating me. There's been a picture in my mind of someone who is able to stand and be themselves regardless of what the other people are doing. And then still be able to interact with them from a place of independence.
Wow!!! this is another threshold. Influenced by who I am becoming, by what is within me, rather than the old reactive way of being influenced by what is happening outside. What a great piece of information! You invited us to share. Thank you. Shannon Thomas's book Healing from Hidden Abuse is key for me right now. It summarizes all the stages I went through to heal from the severe situation I endured as a child and all my life till I could engage in recovery efforts because some people told me I was worthwhile. I thought I would jubilantly read this book, as it chronicles how we can come from being horribly abused and not having any idea about it, then we start to get that it's wrong, and then that we can get out of it. This is when the worthwhile work begins and we learn, again from others and our Lord, how. This took me TWO DECADES. I have been able to devise new ways of thinking and acting (thank you, Joe and Charlie) and most importantly - especially a new concept of who I am and was always meant to be. I am now reaching toward my childhood dreams and incidentally but not surprisingly this involves helping others. I am happy and able to be in my destructive (to me -- I was special) family when I use a stance of cordial detachment. This is still a work in progress but what a great thing. Today my dream of being functional is coming true, as has happened for others, including Ms. Thomas apparently, as well. Thank you for your endorsement of her book. The NARCS in my family are rendered impotent by my new understanding and conduct. I thought I would just read through the book merrily but I can only process a few sentences at a time because, as it should be, things are revisited. Now I am overcoming all that old pain after 30 YEARS of work and rejoicing. Worth every bit, with my changes now being recognized by some very precious and sane people in family -- namely my children. They have observed over the years. Now Mom is not likely to have a meltdown. Yay! I have learned so many tools and workarounds and best of all a new reality. Theirs is not worth my time and attention.
Dr. Carter, This video is an eye-opener. Thank you so much for explaining the conscious, intentional side of a person versus the subconscious side. There have been times when I allow my emotional aspect to become predominant. I’m in a place now where I am progressing. I like to step back when I encounter an emotional situation. If I give myself some time to think about the situation, I am able to approach the matter in a calm and purposeful manner. It isn’t easy, but it’s beneficial. I’m not always able to be the best version of myself, but I do try.
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later
Awareness, acceptance, action. I become aware that I am being triggered by an event, situation or person. I feel the reactions surface. I accept that I am reacting, and I observe those reactions. I’m stepping back from acting on the reactive emotions, breathing through it. Stepping back is using detachment in a loving, careful way. Choosing my next actions is now available from a calmer, healthier place.
During the pandemic, I have been in dependent reactor mode. At times, when someone looks angry, I react in anger, and someone acts fearful, I react with fear. I know alternative would be act confidently and assertively. But I am still learning, since I grew up with narcissists.
I’m exhausted. I don’t feel like I’ve been been able to be myself for like 30 years. I can’t live alone for about 1-1/2 years. It will take a long time to be myself again.
I can relate..I’ve often said “I just want ME back”..The happy, accepting, non-judgmental, Somewhat confident self I once was...Beginning to think she is different..Like to think that as I learn to heal, I will be different but better.?? Seems like it will take a lifetime...
I always regret when I do not act or respond in a 'higher' or 'better way' when I have an encounter or a conversation with a person who has struck my inner being in a negative way. And, I always wish I could go back and 're-do' my part in the interaction so that at least I can walk away with a sence of dignity. But -- I am flawed, frail and vulnerable like everyone else. And, as everyone knows, one can't. I can only hope to learn from it and respond better, and be more vigilant in my awareness when I find myself potentially behaving badly when a total break down in communication is about to happen. Your work that you present here on UA-cam is very helpful. Thank you. Kind regards.
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later
This is so, very helpful! Thank you💗🙏🏼🦋 Great things to stop and think about, observe first, don’t react to someone else’s bad moods and behaviors...working on it, instead blaming myself for thinking I did something wrong to cause it. 🦋💗Just being in charge of myself, I am not responsible for others..🙏🏼🦋💗Stay sage and Healthy
As I was listening, I started thinking about my teenage years idols/somewhat older friends, or friends' friends. They had connections, used substances, had guts to do smth I could not do, and if I tried, I failed. Later on, in my 20s and 30s I was doing smth different, smth that I, I mean me myself who liked and wanted to do and did, and this is where I became ahead of them all. This video put it all in place. Once we allow ourselves to be influenced by others and follow them (subconsciously) we do not do what we need to do. Once we decide doing our own thing, we are going to succeed big time. Thanks!
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later
It’s exhausting to be the “good guy” especially once you’ve explained your boundaries in a situation important to me and the other person disregards your request. Right now I’m over it, they can have themselves reflected straight back at them. Counter productive and self destructive? yes. That’s how worn down I am with this self obsessed society.
I feel like no one deserves to be in a relationship with these people, i was in one but thank God i was able to find out in time, thank to mike he helped me hack her phone and i got all i needed for a divorce i even saw the evil plans she had ! if you need any help you should talk to him he would help you Text/Whatsapp +15182175945, @mikeswilfred on instagram
Such good points! I think we all have our limitations when a narcissist begins to try our last nerve. This is a good reminder to try to keep it together even when we are tired or frustrated from daily circumstances. Coping skills diminish when we’re exhausted. All things to keep in mind and put into practice. Hi to Gus!
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later
All I can say is, I'm getting better. I find myself wanting to scream and yell, but don't. Now I just need to find a good way to release the stress that has built up because I've just been assaulted!! Thank you Dr. Carter, your series has helped me immensely!! I have your book now, I'll be reading that as soon as possible.
Thank you Dr. Carter. After watching your videos and having some realizations I have let go of what feels like a huge weight that was weighing me down and making me anxious. I am free now. OMG. I have had other help for years but these were the crowning realizations that really put it in perspective. The missing puzzle pieces. I shared your narcissism videos with my long abused mother and she finally feels validated like I do. Thank you thank you thank you!!!!! I'm going to keep at it. We have more love in our family now. Thank you!
I dearly wish I'd come across your teachings a few decades ago. You've provided a practical, easy to understand, frame of reference and tools with which to approach these issues. In the past, I had a more hard-driving, competitive, impatient (and hot-tempered) Type A personality, and too often just reacted to frustrating situations in a similar manner without stopping to think about...or even be aware of.... how I might consciously react differently to defuse such situations or avoid them altogether. Looking back, I must have come across as very emotionally immature at times....sometimes I want to cringe at my own ignorance. I've gotten much better over the past decade or so via an excruciatingly slow process of trial and error. You are a gifted teacher, Dr. Carter. I am deeply grateful to be able to receive your wisdom and counsel.
Thank you Dr. C - Yes we are consciously aware of our own ideas and who we are. Even the most basic comment from a person who is stuck in their own sick patterns can cause an unhealthy response from us. For instance, you walk into work refreshed and prepared to take on the day - coworker who is stuck in old ways of speaking, “Are you ok? , You look tired.” Ughh Please ladies, be kind to one another and encourage. We have no idea what the other person has been through. This is an example of someone who is projecting her own tired, worn out self onto you and she so desperately wants you to jump into drama funnel with her.
As always, Dr Carter reminds me that I am responsible too. In having to deal with the covert narcissistic mother, I started the meetings a thousand times thinking, this time I am gonna be nice and calm. Impossible, I fell into that angry stubborn behaviour pattern EVERY TIME by responding to the typical little sarcastic comments. In a way, one tends to not see the own responsibility for avoiding that (reducing/avoiding contact) instead of waiting for her or the universe to solve the issue. Thank you Dr Carter
I actually had this happen yesterday. I notice that when I am extra tired, I am not as diligent about handling people who are a bit difficult in the best way; then I become a little difficult myself. I went to a class last night for a certification and one of the individuals doing the testing was absolutely obnoxious and rude to me. I was tired and not feeling well and was in no frame of mind for this kind of scenario. I have some head knowledge of how to handle these types of situations but I didn't implement them very well. In fact, I almost walked out. The second person was a lot more amicable. However, when I was sharing some of the long term goals that I am hoping will happen, he started listing off a whole bunch of reasons why it's not a strong likelihood that it would be successful. I spent the rest of my evening of feeling pretty "triggered." I basically felt like, "Fine! I will just sit here in my own little corner and keep to myself. The rest of the world can just go to hell in a hand-basket." I was also very frustrated with myself that I didn't handle it in the way that I needed to, even though I know better. So that caused me to feel even worse about myself. In reflecting back on it today, I think that the interactions that occurred last night was reminiscent of childhood hurts. I was often heavily criticized by my mother, and there were a lot of people that would talk to me as if I would never be able to accomplish much, or be successful, or ever be good enough. There were things that I wanted to do, like learn more skills like music, dance, and other good things. I even wanted to join the Air Force or other branch in the military so I could earn money for a nursing degree. There were other things that I wanted to do but I was never smart enough, didn't do things right, and would never succeed at anything. So, now when there is someone who is rude, condescending, overly critical, or being a naysayer when I am trying to accomplish things that will actually save lives, I sometimes get angry. Literally by the grace of God, I have actually been able to accomplish some pretty good things in my life, despite a lot of challenges and obstacles. I am still working to accomplish more; not only for my own benefit, but so that I can be of more help to other people in very meaningful ways. There are still obstacles and challenges. I may not be able to accomplish all that I want to do, but I am certainly working towards it. Once in awhile, that inner conflict gets triggered in me, like it did last night. I know that I could have done better; but there will be more opportunities to learn and practice the tools of handling toxic people; while working on getting rid of my own maladaptive coping mechanisms.
Thanks..that certainly makes alot of sense. When we have a critical parent we can become quite reactive when others criticize us. Maybe it's often more their issues n not ours. Alot of people can get bitter n twisted and take it out on others I've noticed when things aren't going the way THEY would like it to go in their life. It sucks but it is something I've noticed.
It has taken me 60 years but I am conquering the need to react in a negative way to others unhealthy behavior, this keeps my vibration raised and gives me peace of mind. Its a process, but I am getting there! Thank you again for this important video!
I have way to many moments in defender mode. I’m put on the spinning wheel of perspective and told how wrong every feeling I have. Loved you in divorce care videos. So happy to see you doing more.
Thank you Dr. Carter! I'm about to go into a leadership program where everything about me will be tested. Your videos have already allowed me to pinpoint some specific behaviors that I absolutely want to change. Thank you for your commitment!
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later
Please make more videos on this channel. We need your help. The Surviving Narcissism channel is getting all your focus right now. Please don’t forget about this general helpful channel that can benefit so many. Thank you!
I just turned 60😳and I still don’t know squat about myself. I know this, I’m well educated, I’m a successful entrepreneur. I feel like I’m dumb, defective, I’m my own worst enemy. I HATE to be alone, it’s like torture, yet I’m alone all the time. I have been for about 10 years. It’s nuts 🥜. I’m trying to change. Tonight I went out, by myself...again...to listen to live music. I was the only person I saw without a partner or group of friends. At least I went. I know I come across as arrogant because that’s how a lot of people with social anxiety appear on the outside. So that feeds that insecurity. Idk 😐.... I know every day is precious. Yet my days are filled with loneliness. I’m on a hamster 🐹 wheel and I want off.
You are courages to go out - in your own company. It’s sad that you haven’t meet « open minded » people that evening. I hope, now after one year, your hard work been payed with meeting healthy funny loving people. I felt touched by your story, because our society is so wrong. Humans are tribe beings-:that is our nature. All love
I used to feel the same way when I was young and I vividly remember that feeling of insecurity and loneliness whenever I went out on my own. Over the years, I realized that doing things alone can be so much better than being with people who are not true friends and/or have different interests and values. Now I'm in my sixties and I do what I want, on my own, and it actually makes me happy not to have to worry about other people when I travel, for example. Stop focusing on what everybody else does or wants and start living your life.
One thing i think that you could give some thoughs on, is to try to stop comparing your life situation when it comes to friends family and partner when you go outside and meet new people.
Comparison is going to feed that insecurity, which in turn will feed defenciveness and that will lead to the ego covering it up with arrogance so that you wont have to walk in the pain.
You are not dumb nor defective nor your worst enemy, you are just trying to protect yourself from getting hurt, and the solution you seem to have is to keep social and emotional distance. Remember not everyone is out there to hurt you, try to take note when people are pleasent so you can confirm another reality, one where kindness and connection exist.
You are not alone.
God is everywhere.
I know what you mean. I lost every friend and family member’s closeness through my own behavior and lack of care for them (trying to fill my void with their love), and then became a full blown addict and truly was alone in this world. The only way out is through connection, and it isn’t easy or fun at first, and requires constant work everyday, but it starts with opening up and becoming vulnerable to someone. I eventually realised that I had always been wanting connection but never getting it, and had to change my mindset from “maybe one day” to “this is day one!”.
I feel as though I have fell into this deep, dark hole with no way out. After hearing what a piece of garbage I am, day after day, year after year, your subconscious begins to believe it. Thanks to Dr. Carter, tables are turning and I'm being much more assertive and much less disturbed. I don't argue or try to persuade this person anymore. I'm not dealing with a reasonable, rational person. It helps to know your enemy. Thank you Dr. C for boosting me out of this pit.
For me the magic that turns the situation around is when I realize it's the other person who is sick. None of what they say and do is about me, it's all about them. Then I can start to work on myself in a more healthy way.
I feel you, brother. It is so rewarding to realize all of this and letting it go, afterwards. We are not, what they tried to make out of us - we alone decide, who we are and that we are valuable and lovable human beings.
bingo. It's freeing when we realize we DON'T HAVE TO respond to irrational, sick people. It's good enough to keep them at arms-distance, even when they are family members, ESPECIALLY when they are parents. : ))
When my girl does things knowing that they will upset me, and repeatedly does it or will start an argument, just to get me to mirror her, which stresses me out. Then she starts gas lighting. I have to focus and try hard not for my subconscious to surface that’s when she likes to point at me and say I’m the monster.
Daniel, Not exactly sure why but your reply / comment just lifted a lot of weight off my shoulders.
Don’t let others define you! Decide what sort of person you want to be and don’t let anyone rattle you.
I won’t tell you how long it took me to get there but narcissists helped me learn it to survive.
yes 🙌
Facts 🔥, I agree & this is exactly what came to my mind too...narcs try to set you up for failure in the presence of others, if you take their bait, they win! If you stay true to who & what you naturally are you will stay Winning! They can’t be You!🥰
I totally credit my narcissist family for preparing me for a career in a male dominated field. All the egos and domineering personalities just rolled off my back. Of course, I left that industry because even though you know how to navigate it, it diverts energy from a living a healthy life. .
Good advice, I'm going to work on building understanding of who I want to be.
I have decided to gain as much knowledge and information as I can learn. Knowledge is power. I am sad sometimes, I have had to accept that my friend P. is very broken. He is able to have an unconditional love for his cat. I am glad he has this love in his life. It is the ONLY relationship P. feels safe. I forgive him every single day. My anger is the result of expecting him to change. Feeling better means taking responsibility for my part in the relationship. I want to exert my power over me, ourselves is all we can change. It's like they have Bi-Polar on steroids, brain injured people don't act right. I worked with brain injured people; they become easily agitated, argumentative and generally unruly. My sister was a caregiver for these folks as well. Once, my sister was taking her client for a ride in the car and he reached over and pulled her hair hard and down while she was driving. Scary yeah? Well, she placed him in a different seat in the car so he could no longer reach her hair. This is what it feels like dealing with P. every day.
I am a God-fearing person, but the expression "God doesn't put you through more than you can handle", well, that can be a very discounting response for someone going through depression. Being raised by a narcissist mother, and later marrying one, left me with very little will to live. I didn't want to die, but at the same time didn't know how to live with the pain these kind of people cause.
I consider myself a very strong individual, and have never felt the need to drown my pain with any type of substance. I'm 55, a mother of 5, with three sons being marines, and in excellent physical shape, and above average intelligence, but emotionally drained from toxic relationships.
You prove the expression is not discounting. You are strong, you are dealing with all. Could be better? You could make that.
Don't fear God. Sorry. I didn't mean to tell you what to do. But God doesn't want fear. God wants love and peace. Just my opinion. Please 4 give my clumsy idea.
@@steppenwolf3252 being’humble is grace! It’s lovely how you tell your opinion, without minimizing « Angela’s” view. Me, I appreciate being reminded that God is loving, forgiving and peaceful. Thank you a lot!
@@lerouge88 I was shocked (why? I dunno) to check my email just now...feeling a bit down--when I read your unexpected message. It's been so long since anyone complimented me, I nearly fainted. Thank you bro. Your words revived me. Wow... (not that it's anyone's "fault" re: the scarcity of personal compliments. I stay in my room & mostly avoid humans...) Your words helped me continue with some tedious--but necessary--tasks I must do today.. Peace & Love to all.
@@steppenwolf3252 happy to read that my words did you good! Me too, I avoid social life, jokes on account of others, critics, narcism, social lies....if humans would talk friendly to each other -“what a wonderful world it could be”
Love and light from a “sis”
When I am in the presence of an 'overpowering' person, I withdraw. Usually I am very outgoing but they seem to suck the very marrow from my bones. I have become aware that subconsciously, this is my freeze mode. A lot of work goes into overcoming on a conscious level. Knowing how to do this still alludes me.
I do the same. I become afraid of them.
Rita: you & I are kindred spirits. You describe my experience to a "T"
I do the same, but I think I see it as being okay, because it makes me less emotionally open around unsafe people.
This is what I do as well. Read above and I explain how I am handling that "overpowering person" in my family system. It really is a form of pushing me out of the family and I am replacing my old unconscious emotional reactions with thoughtful, conscious decisions that are helping me remain emotionally stable and having a stable sense of myself.
You've just described me also! It's very difficult though to withdraw from the overpowering person if that person is your partner or their offspring say... I too still struggle to know how to deal with this. Lets hope we can both find a way through Doctor C's teachings and start believing in yourselves more. X
I went into dependent reactor mode with a narcissist. It was like a regression. I felt like I was 4 years old, and he reminded me of my narc and double binding mother. Before I was an experienced and mature woman with a lot of creativity and talent, heading towards a successful future. This is 7 years ago and I feel I have lost too much with this man, who gave me nothing but pain. I try to get over it by realizing my plans that I had 7 years ago. I never will let this happen ever again in my life.
Good for you. Keep it up! 👍
Please talk about this more! I never thought about this except how I notice a bad mood can spread like a virus. I really like this topic
Me too! Before studying the narcissist's in my life, I never gave much thought to my reactions and how they were perpetuating their bad behavior. ("She started it!" doesn't work here ) Removing the trigger from their life and mine (i e. separating) has helped somewhat, but when I can't or don't want to leave, I can still look within myself for unconscious behaviors and defense mechanisms.
Identifying these is just half the battle, however. I also need to consciously practice behaviors that are more desirable, such as biting my tongue when I want to lash out. After a while that becomes the habitual response, and with God's help. I reduce the times I am my Narcissists supply.
MJ go watch Dr Joe Dispenza video Most powerful strategy to reprogram your mind ...on UA-cam ... Actually I also would like to encourage to watch a few of them 😊
@@ecace8699 Great advice and very wise......Dr Dispenza is incredible and has helped thousands of people.......he is certainly a life changer....having spent over 30 understanding the mind, body and soul connection.....I would highly recommend Dr Dispenza too.....who has loads of testimonials here on UA-cam...:)
My challenge, even at "senior" age remains giving myself permission to be successful for my own good. I'm can do things successfully for others but self-sabotage when it comes to my own good, despite many efforts, workshops, self-help, etc. Love your videos. Thank you!
Yes, I think we are the people who have been often reminded that selfishness is always an insult to the people around us. I am slowly trying to think about why did these adults do that when I was a child? Maybe I was not considered as a person, just a machine that had to be in a certain way to work properly.
That permission thing is really tricky. I totally hear this, and I totally hear the 'successfully for others but self-sabotage'.... that's really hard. It's like if you self-sabotage - they don't get a chance too... yep. I would really love that key to for that to be unlocked.
I found to not buy in to their lies about me. They don't know who I am. This is taking courage because of course they were so strong when I tried to disagree. But we persevere. And win. And live in our new real truth about ourselves.
I think it not our fault they brainwash you into thinking you can't do anything without them, they get you to feel you cant depend on yourself to do anything, truth is you can, and don't need them taking credit for what you do,I'm a doer and really nothing gets done unless I do it ,narcs take steal credit for getting things done ,they act like the boss ,and gaslight you into doing a good job .behind your back they tell everyone who didn't see you do the work, that they did a good job .they take everything ,they can from you even feelings of self-esteem for a job well done .
About self-sabotaging, Marrianne Williamson says we're more afraid of success than failure, like afraid to outshine others or maybe to confirm the unworthiness trance we're still buying into?
It's really hard to step outside yourself and look at the bigger picture. This is when you have to hold up your internal mirror in front of yourself and see how you are acting and reacting. I have struggled with this and I'm learning and growing everyday. I'm rebuilding myself from 46 years of narcissist abuse. This video is exactly why I need you Dr. Carter in my life and in my journey. I am eternally grateful to you Dr. C. 💕
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later
I understand. I think I'm rebuilding from a parent that was a malignant narcissist and a former husband who has a couple of personality disorders. I'm 71 and I feel like I am starting to understand myself better, working to have a more peaceful interior while letting go of some unhealthy behaviors I carried with me from my childhood. .
I've been very triggered by my partner and his inconsistencies in extremely negative ways. Shouting, raging, etc.
This is not who I want to be and I became consciously aware of it but must address my subconscious dependencies if I want to truly rise above.
Thank you for this, Doctor Les! 💚
I have found that finding something else productive to do has really helped me with this. But you are right that they long for the mirroring because it validates them. Recently, I stuck to my guns in a discussion, saying "I guess you and I see this differently." And then just not contributing anything else after I had explained my position. It did not stop the argument, but helped me not to argue or mirror something I didn't want to.
Remaining present and 'in the moment' of present awareness around people who trigger you is vital. You may have changed, be in the process of changing (into present awareness, responding not reacting mindset) but some people will not allow you to change and will try to trigger you back into past patterns, stay strong, stay present. It' s difficult when you know these people are, and always have been trying to steal your light , God bless you Dr. Carter. ❤👌
Exactly that's maybe the most important point. *Pay attention*. Not only at what happens in the conversation, but also at other levels.
When trying to solve internal issues, relatives can be the worst influence... maybe that's when you understand, sometimes late in life, that they never wanted you to succeed ! As soon as they see you happy, or liberated from a family block, they come back at you with a vengeance !
I call this effect "wall of karma". When you are trying to heal some subconscious wound, you first notice that most of the times it keeps reappearing again and again, you need to keep your calm, and be persistent, practice the new way...
Then you have these family members gaslighting you as hard as they can, often with other people, could be officials they somehow manage to set against you !
Then you need to be more careful, cautious, check everything twice in your day to day life... as if changing something at the subconscious level would disturb your whole system, and you'd need to find a new balance, fine tune other automatisms.
@@smartcatcollarproject5699 yes! thank you , brilliantly put.
That is true, ...if you improve your life, feel more confident, ignore what haters say, ....it seems they will find you to see what you are up to, and drag you backwards if they can.
Your words remind me of Eckhart Tolle, as do Dr Carter’s. Both speak so much truth to me! I love your comment.
I find myself following others behaviors. I need to continue to be who I am and not let them sway me. I need to make conscientious decisions about who I want to be. Thank you Dr. Carter.
First step you realized.
Following "them" good ones is fine. Following "them" bad...is not
I grew up in chaos and narcissistic parents. Only fear and deceit. I always resonded with guile and anger.
When I react badly it's always because I don't stop and think first--I just react immediately; so I need to slow down; think about what the person said and then probably count to 10 before I respond in a better/helpful/respectful manner.
Ellen Sibille The “Counting to 10” technique has not worked for me. ( I can count to 10 in a couple languages and not feel calm enough. ). What I do to get back on track to my pre-frontal lobe is to begin reviewing multiplication tables. I start with 7x7. I am soon in a more conscious and thoughtful state of mind.
Ellen Sibille Thank you you’re common rang a bell with me. I find in the real world counting to 10 and taking a deep breath does not work. Life is too hectic. I wonder if Dr Lee could give us some advice on how not to react intuitively in the first place. Is this even possible?
Gregory Allan Yes. It’s very possible not to react right away. It takes effort & practice. It really does not take long to get pretty proficient at staying calm & not reacting right off. Our emotions and reactions are choices. Choose to remain calm and thoughtful. That is the first step. Then you need to take care of yourself. Appropriate sleep, nutrition and learn healthy ways to destress daily. Healthy destressing: meditation. ( lots of guided meditations on UA-cam)
Talking to friends, listening to good music, developing a talent or hobby, spending time with nature... just look at clouds or flowers if in a big city. Look up ways to destress. Lots of fun, great ways to destress & self care. I’m getting a pedicure as I write this. You are in charge of caring for yourself.
Art Girl cheers
I'm the same. To try to prevent that triggered reaction I breathe. A long deep breath can give me space to think before reacting.
This is the best explanation of the subconscious I have ever heard. Was anyone else taught in a religious context that being "independent minded" was sinful and "self will"? I was always afraid of thinking for myself.
Yes. Exactly. My father even called me "rebellious" when I began questioning religion and I ultimately decided to leave it all behind. I've found so much peace and acceptance in who I am now and especially of the differences in others.
Independent thinking isn't encouraged in our society. Not "rocking the boat" is encouraged. Who gets to decide how things should be arranged, though?
Yes, coupled with rebellion, a favorite word. I began asking "rebellious to who?" Lots of things seemed so superficial, appearences, as oppossed to heart and substance.
@@missstacey2946 , I think we have to keep to what we know is good, that comes from, as you say, heart and substance. That could never be wrong. It's alright to be rebellious when your heart is in the right place. In fact, you help others when you adhere to your high standards of behavior.
MrTellyGunner Me too. As much as I looked to my bible study group and leaders for support, they were of little help. So I immersed myself in the YT channels, some were of spiritual directives and that gave me the validation to go No contact. It can be lonely and frustrating but hang onto your truth and be honest with yourself. I find Dr. C to be of supreme wisdom.
I find myself absorbing people's doubt about my work or about myself generally (my appearance, speaking voice etc). It has made me self-conscious and I don't stand up for myself. I don't back myself, because I fear the conflict. I need to become more self-assured.
I feel like no one deserves to be in a relationship with these people, i was in one but thank God i was able to find out in time, thank to mike he helped me hack her phone and i got all i needed for a divorce i even saw the evil plans she had ! if you need any help you should talk to him he would help you Text/Whatsapp +15182175945, @mikeswilfred on instagram
As ever Dr Les explains vital concepts in life, using a simple powerful description to help us gain insight.
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later...
Understanding this helps alot. Since I discovered I was codependent, I've become more argumentative and arrogant when trying to express my feelings. I easily get sucked in and it's not helping the situation. Just making me look like the bad guy.
Same Here.
I have steadfastly refused to be part of my ex manfriend's drinking and bad behavior. When he would start to drink I would indicate that he would have to continue alone and send him off with his 🍺. He'd find every excuse to call, text or drop by, even though I wouldn't answer. I've blocked him, but he sees me as his counselor and still tries to bring his troubles. I told him "I can't help you" . His life is such a mess and getting worse without me around to apply the breaks on his impetuousness. I refuse to have CHAOS rule my life! Being empathic and still being able to see the good in this man, makes this all very difficult for me. I receive calm reassurance in Dr Carter's words to keep focused and true, and sane. Deeply thankful.
Observe rather than Absorb.
I got caught up today in conversation with a woman who was criticizing the HOA members. Afterwards I realized I had mirrored her criticisms and didn’t want to be that person!
Self awareness is the beginning of change. Keep it up! Dr. C
I don't understand how anybody can downvote Dr. Carter's videos.
You're kind. Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter Thanks. I just really appreciate your insight and advice. I recently dumped/kicked out someone who I believe is a covert narcissist and your channel was one of the first channels I started watching to figure out that situation.
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later
I feel like no one deserves to be in a relationship with these people, i was in one but thank God i was able to find out in time, thank to mike he helped me hack her phone and i got all i needed for a divorce i even saw the evil plans she had ! if you need any help you should talk to him he would help you Text/Whatsapp +15182175945, @mikeswilfred on instagram
When you fully grasp that you are your own standard , it effectively translates to how you view people , their opinions and your reactions to them. When something or somebody is your standard , you will never attain it.
I feel the same!
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later...
Amen. Well said!
When you have 2 narc parents, you grow up really lost AF. It can be very damaging to all aspects of life. I just thought everyone was terrible and awful and abusive and cruel.....and then I met my xhusband and he validated it!!!
We are attracted to people that remind us of our parents. We think we can resolve our issues with them through this other person.
Again thank you so much🌟 I grew up in a VERY dysfunctional family and have lived most of my life either hiding from it or fighting it. The values you share feels like the home I’ve always hoped would be and it’s such a deep relief that my little inner voice is validated 🌟thank you, thank you 🙏
Sept îles Québec Canada
This guy is freakin' AWSUM, spent the whole summer listening to him while wrkg.
So wish I knew about him years an years ago as I came upon three people who were
not far from evil but if one learns about these people thru the kindness of this good man
explaining things, I am off to a much better place. Les, I give 2 thumbs up
No. Contact. The best two words I heard in 2019. Changed my life and gave me time to absorb these videos. My narcissist isn’t even challenging me because she can’t remember her rages, so she has no clue what happened. She just knows that I know. After 6 decades, I’m free!!!
Being married to a NARCISSIST 35 yrs. I have learned alot from your wonderful videos, I now set boundaries with everyone. I try to treat others how I want to be treated.
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later
How did you do it? I been with mine for 10 yrs and fixing to leave as it is doubtful he will change, I am dealing with a covert malignant narcissist, plays head games to try to drive me mad and insane....so done with it.
@@yellowdayz1800 it's hard..
I rent a room from a friend and try to have very little contact...I'm always on guard and very careful how I answer stuff..I divorced him once and he tricked me in thinking he had changed...he didnt..now remarried 7 yrs to him..
@@pamcarter6595 , sorry about that Pam, stay strong.
Yes, I have reacted automatically many times when others went off the deep end. I have learned that I am the captain of my own emotional state of mind. Every one of your videos are very helpful. Keep them going!
Hi Dr Les. Wonderful video once more. Here's my contribution. I find myself getting too annoyed over silly things, even shouting down the phone at times when I phone a government department or bank etc. and find official call handlers not listening or able to respond to my queries properly. Sometimes when I drive too, and bad drivers annoy me - even swearing and name calling under my breath at them at times (when I am alone in the car and to myself not winding the window down and shouting at the drivers). Alone or not, I don't like being like that. It shows a lack of emotional maturity, which I desperately want to display at all times but never quite manage to do that all the time. I am also a Christian and it freaks me out that I can act so out of sync with what a good Christian person should be - patient, kind, humble. In my conscious self, I am empathetic, caring, considerate and want only what is best for people, and I hate evil, cruelty and abuse of others, but when I act like this 'throwback from my past' I am acting like a selfish person who behaves as if all others should drop what they are doing and attend to my needs, understand my perfectly and on my terms, etc.. I got that from narc parents who never used to listen to each other and talked at each other instead - even raising voices to ram views down the other's person's throats. So it became ingrained in me too for a long time and it is hard to get rid of all of the narc fleas you catch from being in a dysfunctional family - even after years of healing and prayer and support, which I cherish and appreciate. Sometimes I interrupt people too, which I also know if sub-consciously fall out from my past too. It is just something that happens spontaneously. Again, I hate myself for not pausing and just leaping in and greeting someone when they are on the phone to someone else. Yet, I am the first to criticise others for doing exactly the same thing to me.
as someone that has worked thru some selfish habits (maybe some a bit different than yours) and being a Christian i can totally relate to you. I just wanted to say that it's really admirable how self aware and self reflective you are and how you have worked to be a better version -kinder, nicer, etc thru healing. I found that it has taken me constant work on myself (improve self esteem, tolerance, compassion instead of judgment, etc), healing, rewiring myself (learning what is and is not mature, emotionally intelligent, etc) and choosing the more mature, empathetic each time till it comes second nature bc of habit and bc I'm at peace within myself. I still have a way to go but this has worked for me. You seem to also have worked thru a lot to get to this point. May God keep giving us strength and guidance❤ with the help of resources/ppl like the dr
love is patient. love is kind
seek love
@@danarzechula3769 Love never fails. :)
"Healthiness and goodness." Bears repeating. Thank you.
Dr. Les, I am looking forward to this upcoming video! I do often find myself responding in an unhealthy way, but internally. In other words, I don't say or do anything outwardly, but I do feel a kind of stab in my gut when triggered by an unkind or controlling statement or action by another person. Holding it all in is done by reflex, and the feelings linger for painfully long periods of time. I am learning to consciously identify the feelings, such as sadness, hopelessness, anger, frustration and then allowing the feelings to dissolve. But I would love to become "proactive" and not have the stabbing feeling in the first place.
I need to be less reactive, it's hard, but it is a deep rooted defense mechanism.
Just consider the source.
You have done a great job describing what it's like for me when I am up against a bully or other undisciplined person.
@@notagain779 sadly that doesn't do much, all by itself 8-/
@@watcherwlc53 , I know, but I thought it might help to remember that most often it's coming from a person who has "issues", and maybe we don't have to take it so personally, even if it feels like a personal attack.
Dr C, I am so fortunate to have found your UA-cam videos!! Thanks so much!
This is such a great video! My ex-boyfriend did all he could to make me look like the person he is to his flying monkeys. Once, It came to my attention that he had cheated on me and was trying to deceive me, I changed my approach to him. He wanted me to be in open relationship with him when he was already cheating on me, and I said NO. He wanted me to remain his friends after all the nasty stuff he did to me, and I said NO. I never told him that I knew that he was cheating on me. His plan was to have as his backup plan as I didn't love myself more. He lost his marbles once he realized I knew who he was. Long history short, he manipulated our relationship's status in order to feel good about the person he knows he is NOT, but I let him know that I was aware of all his manipulative and nasty behaviors towards me, other people, as well as his previous boyfriend. In the end, he stole money from me, stole my belongings, lied straight to the police once I had to get the police involved in order to get back some of my stuff. my ex's agenda was to move in with his new toy and to keep all my stuff, once when I met him he did not have a thing, and then, once he proposed to me, I thought we had a plan, I started spending money and buying the furniture. I realized all his agenda when I found out who was the person he had cheated on me with and the reason for his persistence on a specific day for me to pick up my stuff. Guess what? The day he "wanted" me to pick up my stuff was exactly one day after he'd had moved in with his new boy friend's place. So, he meant to steal all of my stuff. I told his mother all about it and even his own mother was so embarrassed by what my ex did to me. My ex treats his own mother like s**** why would he treat me better?! Later, he found out I was talking to her, because my ex's mother called him out about what he had done to me, and he accused me of harassing his mother. What a poor and dirty soul! My ex-boyfriend has been one of the nastiest and most narcissistic people that I have ever met. I could have sued him, but in the end, even the cops told me that he was unworthy and should love myself more and take good care of myself from that point. Afterward, I moved on, have worked on myself, trying to be a better person, and more aware of all the narcissistic patterns in people. Two months have gone by and I feel amazing about myself again, reading much more, sleeping better, and I will be going to my 12-country-Euro-trip in 3 months. All in all, the narcs will do all they can to make you feel as crazy as hell. DON'T take their bait, go away, and NEVER EVER look back! I am still heartbroken, but I'd rather deal with all the disappointments and frustrations than be unhappy in any kind of relationship. From the bottom of my heart, I wish him all the best, but there's a lot of fish in the sea, and I do want to meet and be in a relationship with honest people not with liars, dishonest people, and deceivers. Good luck, people!
Where your heart lies, so too there will your treasure be. I used to think the best I could offer those around me was what I thought they expected & asked of me. But if I follow my heart & love myself through all it's cracks & bruises, I have so much more to give to everyone around me & don't subconsciously resort to control tactics. Thank you for sharing these videos!! Sending love~
Oh, I take on everybody else's problems. I absorb their pain and take the burden of fixing their problems on myself. So dumb! Then, I never finish my own responsibilities or accomplish my own goals.
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later
I Learn by pain , don't want to do this anymore either. All the best we are not alone. Cannot read ppls hearts hey
When I feel tired and stressed I take any criticism very personally and get depressed, but I am learning to set boundaries and tell others that when I need to take care of myself I will stay away from non-constructive criticism and either rest by myself or talk with someone who is supportive and understanding of my difficulties. I am learning to be less codependent. It's hard work as my subconscious is my own worst enemy much of the time due to childhood trauma, but I am learning to comfort my inner child and tell the inner critic that they can talk away but I choose not to listen, and in fact I choose to replace them with a more compassionate way of treating myself. Thanks so much for your very useful insights. I was married to a narcissist and managed to get out and rebuild my relationship with my son who had been turned against me. I also managed to regain my financial stability and cultivate authentic and healthy relationships. I have a generic movement disorder which is painful and distressing so I struggle with social anxiety and insomnia, but I love to connect to others and help them, while remembering to take care of myself too.
One dependent reaction I have is when I want to ask this girl I like a persuasive question involving spending time together. I usually get nervous, so a healthy alternative would be to take a few deep breaths and ask the question so she can be welcome to say yes or no. I got used to the toxic idea of “let me shower this person with unhealthy attention so they don’t leave me” which I’ve been trying to overcome. Thanks so much for your content Dr, it really means a lot to me, there was a point in time where I thought I’d never change, but it’s never too late!!!
I was brought up by a narc mother , which makes trusting people very difficult.
Dr Les, you have just described exactly what I’ve been experiencing lately. I am a mature 58 yr old woman. I’ve been in a 3 year relationship with a narcissistic man. Watching your videos has helped me so much, as I’d never experienced these kind of people before. I’ve been so anxious, and disappointed in my own behaviour lately. I do feel I’m not acting my usual authentic self when I’m around this man, worse still! I’m acting like the very person that he is? I’ve had to take a step back to examine my boundaries, as he walks all over them!, I’m always striving to be a better person. I’m more empath than most. Lately I’ve been plagued with a swollen, sore throat. I feel it’s my throat chakra blocked due to never being able to fully express my feelings or concerns to him? He only ever sees it as a criticism about him, which then sends him into a narcissistic rage!! I feel emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually stifled. His ego knows no limit, it’s all about him, him, oh yes, and more him! I’ve actually got to the stage where I can’t be bothered engaging with him anymore, I’m too exhausted!! He does a great job of hiding his true colours around my family and friends, so they find it hard to believe when I tell them certain things that he has said, or done. Il keep listening to your wise words. 🙏
My Astrology chart makes me vulnerable to narcissists because of super sensitivity and an overpowering need for embodying fairness for all, but, never giving into deception and mask wearing, it's why I've had epic showdowns with them and they can't work out why I won't hide myself or change for their approval. Proud to be a Narcissist upsetter. I've grown very strong lately, you helped Dr Carter, boundaries are so hard and are like uneccisary structures to my sense of being but I see how important tgey are so I attract others who also like to just connect and share and enjoy life as it flows, love, discovery . bless your bright soul 🙏
Thank you - falling into that trap of anger and sometimes mirroring behaviors is truly detrimental to a balanced way of thinking and living.
Living around an emotionally stunted or troubled soul does tend to rife and patterns that become unhealthy.
This is an issue that held me back for longer than I would like to admit. You have such great insight into these types of issues, it really is nice to hear someone that acknowledges and understands things like this. You are doing a great service by helping people come to terms with life's "curve balls". Thank you sir. I look forward to hearing more from you in the future.
So rightly did Dr Les. I am a very quiet person, very calm and thoughtful. If anyone tries to be verbally abusive to me I simply move away and cut off from that person. But I react very badly to my narcissistic mother when she hurls abuses at me and tries to steer any talk to prove that it was all my fault. This is not me. And the mere fact that I am turning into someone like my mom scares me. Now I will definitely try to control my emotions and would take care that my mood and happiness doesn't become dependable on her and the way she wants me to be. Thank you for your guidance.
That is a good remark that made me think: When someone is too angry and yelling or keeps on telling you to do something : it means they are depending on you for that . They need that respons from you. / Its better to be honest about what you need from someone, instead of coming up with a whole script around it to convince or bully someone into doing something. I think we should be more honest about why we need someone to do something . That means more honesty about inter personal dependancy. But if you ask, people can say no. (Otherwise it would be a demand and not an open question). And if you passive agressively make someone act in a certain way you are so dependent you cannot accept no for an answer. So openly say you need something is less dependent that covertly demand it. I think we all are dependent on each other, that is what relations are made of. But if someone saying no to something is inconcievable: thats when the bullying begins. I always just felt pushed into something I was accomodating just to avoid all the drama afterwards or was too tired of explaining why I didnt do or say something I would rather avoid the inquisition questioning my actions. I would in my head anticipate on the questioning and if I couldnt come up with a reason that would be acceptible too them and if it was a small thing I could easily do I would just do it. But your so thinking about what they think you dont have any own thoughts anymore in the end and you dont have any 'real' reason why not to do or say something or choose another type of job or partner or hpuse or what have you. If people cannot conceive you as a person with a torally different outlook on life and very diffetent interests, you stop communicating you real life and just tell them things that would be more in line with their standards or believes. And when they figured out via others what you really do they say: why dont you tell me anything anymore? So this person became aware of the distance and was sad about it but I didnt know how to respond anymore because I couldnt constantly stand up to her judgement. That was so tiring I always came home with a headache after a visit. It is sad for both sides. But so she needed something and if she would have communicated her true needs we could have talked about it. But without a genuin conversation I cannot really make real contact. It just felt like one giant trial and she felt like I was hiding things. Of course I was hiding the things that were dear to me and shared unimportant things. So sad but I dont know how I would have done it better.
I have found that I am quite defensive, it's been noticed by others.
I am trying to stop my initial reaction and take a deep breath.
I try to think about any messages I wish to convey and how I can do that with out sounding defensive.
One of the many helpful hints shared by the good Dr is to speak from deep down in your throat.
I have also recorded conversations that I listened to and I am able to hear how I truly communicate.
That's very courageous of you. There's more than the content of the words but even with those, since all of us write a lot, we can see our unconscious patterns showing up.
me too.
@@seckhoffable it gets better everyday. Knowledge is power!
Dr. Carter - You are so right. It takes a lot of forethought, planning, introspection, and practice to be better at not reacting or reacting in better ways that align with what you want your disposition and personality to be. It can take months and years, and the old patterns seem to never fully go away, either. Vigilance is key. Thanks.
Choices differentiate us. The more you are able to make your own choices and have the people around you accept them as part of who you are the less you are likely to be needy of and retract to dependent reactions.
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later
My bad dependent reaction is I always let it be that if someone i live with is in a bad mood I start to panic and also have a bad mood and think I did something wrong. The better conscious decision would be to realize that people have their own reasons for being in bad moods and I don’t have to let it affect my mood. If I did something wrong they would probably tell me so I shouldn’t assume it has anything to do with me.
One of my vulnerable moments is that I found I was mirroring the narcissist mood. The only way I found to "cleanly" select an alternative reaction is to "LEAVE THE ROOM." After 10 years, I am tired of him ruining my life, making me unhappy and him telling me he doesn't want to listen to me talk at ALL. We don't communicate. We don't share a bedroom. We don't even spend our time off together. We live separate lives and share the bills, that's it. I hate my life at home.
@@susanlore345 My prayers are with you. I am trapped due to finances. Layers of obligations that lin me to this individual.
I love how you put into words clearly that sometimes, I am not being "empathatic", but "emotionally dependent"
I used to try and reply immediately in conversations, it was just a habit, and I realized several years ago that this can be really tricky. If you allow yourself to think for a second or two before you reply, you might realize what the other persons actually wants from you. Aggressive, controlling people will pressure you into reacting quickly, they will not allow you to think - like a promotional call. They will provoke you so you'll get more and more irritated and aggressive. Once you've understood that some people don't want to have a true conversation, they just want to catch your attention or manipulate you, it becomes easier not to get drawn into that responsive reaction.
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later
True
I think my biggest worst pattern is letting things slide with a narcissist, dancing their way just a little bit because the end result is what is desired, whatever it is, like getting a task done at work, and so a little insanity from the narcissist (who really hopes I'll be sidetracked into outward ineffectiveness and inward neverending blubbering) is permissable. NOT! It's a little late in life, but I'm learning to keep them (coworker, ex, mother) at a distance with neutral straightforwardness. It ain't easy to ignore my emotions, or opinions, or personal rights, but I have to sometimes in order not to feed them. It's like a necklace of garlic to ward off a vampire. And I "confront them" with "what do you mean?" and they honestly can't explain themselves except selfishly, and so I then keep going in my direction. They hate it.
Thank you for this video!! I am going through some of these things right now. I react to situation in a manner that I end up not liking myself afterwards. I recognized it is a pattern, a defense mechanism. Dr. C, I am so thankful for your channels. God bless you!!
I learned (from my parents) to be polite and respectful to people. So I was at first quite, even though they yelled at me.
So I changed this way. I'm polite, if they are polite and I answer, if they are mean.
Some people take it as your weakness, if you don't answer. And they get meaner next time.
This was huge for me to hear in such a clear way...It takes a hard work and determination to overcome the sick programming we received and developed. One can keep living in unawareness all life, but insight is the first step towards healing...Thank you, Dr. Les..thanks for turning the lights on in so many ways...I believe it's saving many of us from years of pain, self-sabotage, and abuse due to this lack of awareness. I appreciate you, and a few others who make it their mission to really help all of us grow and overcome.
My narc parent (and her husband) are always 'right' and want to prove that any suggestion I make is "null & void", or if i feel i can offer more info. than THEY know, certainly i have 'no idea what I'm talking about'. Even in my 50's now, I brace myself to be around them and put on an extra confident mode and feel 'on the defensive' for when I'm belittled. WHY does this irk me so much? I usually try to 'bite my tongue' and just tolerate the short visits while they last (but tough for me to do sometimes)☺💕. Thanks for explaining the subconscious and letting us "vent" here, Dr. C
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later
Currently, I'm in therapy with a psychiatrist (diagnosed with severe depression and adult ADHD) and through watching your videos, I am better able to have constructive things to bring up when I see him. This is much better than feeling frustrated with myself at the end of a session because I've felt as though I've not even known where the sauce of pain, frustration and confusion was, therefore bringing up seemingly irrelevant issues.
Your videos are always helpful, thank you. 🤦♂️🤔👍
Thanks for this good feedback, Ron. Dr. C
Well, you made me cry. Having someone articulate so well the experience I’ve had of turning into someone I actually hate was like lancing a wound. I hate you, thank you. Thank you soooooo much. ❤️
Great video. Reminds me also of a book I have on Complex PTSD, I'm definitely the freeze type. My predominant reaction to things "out there", are cutting people out of my life, avoidance, apart from small chit-chats when I walk the dog, I keep to myself, and use alcohol, another freeze type behaviour. It's not just people who get to me, it's this material universe, the cruelty of nature and nagging spiritual questions that totally get to me. Your question as to what our subconscious tendencies might be, I think with me it's the wish to be unconscious, so I don't have to think or feel anything.
This came through so clearly to me: thank you! ... My subconscious pattern of defensive retaliation often takes over when I am ( or imagine I am) criticised. I am especially reactive to anything that feels at all like ridicule. ... I have nearly always responded to those situations immediately, without any conscious thought, with a very harsh, personal criticism of the "ridiculing" person - sometimes with the common obscenity thrown a time or two for good measure (so "they" know that I "mean" it.). ... I am slowly getting better about this, working at hitting the "pause button" before lashing out. ... I am grateful for this video especially because the roots of this thing are made so clear and are kindly-described. That helps a lot to reduce self-blame and self-hate, and to be patient with myself (and others), and to stay committed to working at overcoming this. Thank you!
I noticed when someone is acting really happy and smiley about something they want me to buy into I can start to follow and have in the past. But now thank goodness I catch myself and correct my thinking and emotions. It’s amazing how it makes people act and look when they realize your not gonna follow.
I’m just the opposite. When someone is all happy and smiley and wants me to buy into something, immediately search for the lie or inconsistency and make them defend themselves. It’s awful. I can bring a salesperson to near tears in a moment. I try not to, but it happens so quickly the damage is done and I can’t reel it back in. I did it yesterday, thought I was being funny until I saw that deer in the headlights looking back at me. I wonder what causes that kind of attitude on my part?
Saving this one. Many thanks. I love the subconscious and exploring, processing, becoming more sel aware and learning, always learning.
I had interaction w a grandiose malignant narcissist. And you never knew what you were going to get. The entire family was afraid of him. I decided I was gonna be opposite and became a psychologist. I see those in my family who are emotionally dysregulated. I reduced my interaction with them and feel so much better. From a family systems view they ping everyone unnecessarily and some are low and mid level narcissists. Boundary impairment and desires to please the grandiose narcissist(who has been dead for 7 years). Judgment? I want to live consciously. I believe those trying to please dead people are living in an unconscious way.
*GREAT!! Dr Carter you have just a) described Pauls dilemma of chapter 7 in the book of Romans about "thats not the person I want to be and yet I am doing this?! Why is this?" and b) you gave a great hint to WHO the only perfect person in humankind should be we ALL should be oriented towards: Jesus Christ!* Absolutely, you did it in YOUR terms of a worldly psychology but thats exactly IT! Think about what you just said, that is perfect!👍👍😀😀
This is a great topic. Some of my vulnerable moments are when I feel guilted into doing something I really don’t want to do. Working on becoming more aware and taking care of me!
Thank you, Dr. Carter, another great video! How do I handle a situation with my narcissistic fiancé where he sees me being kind and friendly to others, and he insists I shouldn’t talk to them, and if I do talk to them, I should be rude and unfriendly. This is not my nature, and I will never be this way with others. I hold my ground with him in my fair-minded and compassionate way. But, unfortunately the outcome is always the same, he yells, shames, and threatens me with some type of retaliation for hours (after the terrible offense of me being nice to someone.) I’m at a loss for what to do. And all the stress he puts on me causes me to physically feel sick and have depression. I have to physically remove myself from his presence for a week or so to feel better again. My parents, who are 88 and 84, and the most loving, caring people you could ever meet, tell me this isn’t love or what a caring relationship is.
I have a shiver in my popo when people get angry since childhood. It’s a physical reaction. I was not hurt by my mother ever.
Thank you. Just keep repeating this stuff and I'll keep listening until it's pounded into my brain like the other reactions were for so long. It's catching up & taking over that old stuff more and more. My next step (working up to it) is to stare at my narc sisters' pictures until I work out my feelings and become neutral. It's a goal!
Call the red flag in some instances. A good example I can give is, sometimes someone you know say's something to you and you just get an uneasy feeling but you don't know why. Then later you realise that one way or another that person has been lying to you. What I mean is that the stimuli that made you feel uneasy was something that they have said contradicted something they had said previously sometime before but you had forgotten about that.
"I've got a good idea of who I am and I'm gonna lean into that"
❤ amen to that!
Thanks for the great video
You really brought to light what I've been experiencing ALOT at work. Where I'm constantly in my head trying to gauge or figure out the people around me and how they are treating me. There's been a picture in my mind of someone who is able to stand and be themselves regardless of what the other people are doing. And then still be able to interact with them from a place of independence.
Wow!!! this is another threshold. Influenced by who I am becoming, by what is within me, rather than the old reactive way of being influenced by what is happening outside. What a great piece of information! You invited us to share. Thank you. Shannon Thomas's book Healing from Hidden Abuse is key for me right now. It summarizes all the stages I went through to heal from the severe situation I endured as a child and all my life till I could engage in recovery efforts because some people told me I was worthwhile. I thought I would jubilantly read this book, as it chronicles how we can come from being horribly abused and not having any idea about it, then we start to get that it's wrong, and then that we can get out of it. This is when the worthwhile work begins and we learn, again from others and our Lord, how. This took me TWO DECADES. I have been able to devise new ways of thinking and acting (thank you, Joe and Charlie) and most importantly - especially a new concept of who I am and was always meant to be. I am now reaching toward my childhood dreams and incidentally but not surprisingly this involves helping others. I am happy and able to be in my destructive (to me -- I was special) family when I use a stance of cordial detachment. This is still a work in progress but what a great thing. Today my dream of being functional is coming true, as has happened for others, including Ms. Thomas apparently, as well. Thank you for your endorsement of her book. The NARCS in my family are rendered impotent by my new understanding and conduct. I thought I would just read through the book merrily but I can only process a few sentences at a time because, as it should be, things are revisited. Now I am overcoming all that old pain after 30 YEARS of work and rejoicing. Worth every bit, with my changes now being recognized by some very precious and sane people in family -- namely my children. They have observed over the years. Now Mom is not likely to have a meltdown. Yay! I have learned so many tools and workarounds and best of all a new reality. Theirs is not worth my time and attention.
Dr. Carter, This video is an eye-opener. Thank you so much for explaining the conscious, intentional side of a person versus the subconscious side. There have been times when I allow my emotional aspect to become predominant. I’m in a place now where I am progressing. I like to step back when I encounter an emotional situation. If I give myself some time to think about the situation, I am able to approach the matter in a calm and purposeful manner. It isn’t easy, but it’s beneficial. I’m not always able to be the best version of myself, but I do try.
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later
Awareness, acceptance, action. I become aware that I am being triggered by an event, situation or person. I feel the reactions surface. I accept that I am reacting, and I observe those reactions. I’m stepping back from acting on the reactive emotions, breathing through it. Stepping back is using detachment in a loving, careful way. Choosing my next actions is now available from a calmer, healthier place.
During the pandemic, I have been in dependent reactor mode. At times, when someone looks angry, I react in anger, and someone acts fearful, I react with fear. I know alternative would be act confidently and assertively. But I am still learning, since I grew up with narcissists.
I’m exhausted. I don’t feel like I’ve been been able to be myself for like 30 years. I can’t live alone for about 1-1/2 years. It will take a long time to be myself again.
But it will be worth it. Trust that you know yourself and if you don't its time to learn yourself.
I can relate..I’ve often said “I just want ME back”..The happy, accepting, non-judgmental, Somewhat confident self I once was...Beginning to think she is different..Like to think that as I learn to heal, I will be different but better.?? Seems like it will take a lifetime...
I always regret when I do not act or respond in a 'higher' or 'better way' when I have an encounter or a conversation with a person who has struck my inner being in a negative way. And, I always wish I could go back and 're-do' my part in the interaction so that at least I can walk away with a sence of dignity. But -- I am flawed, frail and vulnerable like everyone else. And, as everyone knows, one can't. I can only hope to learn from it and respond better, and be more vigilant in my awareness when I find myself potentially behaving badly when a total break down in communication is about to happen. Your work that you present here on UA-cam is very helpful. Thank you. Kind regards.
Heartful thank you for this film. I once heard my therapist call me co-dependent and I didn't know what that meant. Now I finally do!
you're a great man DR C
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later
This is so, very helpful! Thank you💗🙏🏼🦋 Great things to stop and think about, observe first, don’t react to someone else’s bad moods and behaviors...working on it, instead blaming myself for thinking I did something wrong to cause it. 🦋💗Just being in charge of myself, I am not responsible for others..🙏🏼🦋💗Stay sage and Healthy
This is so helpful and I’m thankful for it. Now begins the true work!
Love the bookshelf
As I was listening, I started thinking about my teenage years idols/somewhat older friends, or friends' friends. They had connections, used substances, had guts to do smth I could not do, and if I tried, I failed. Later on, in my 20s and 30s I was doing smth different, smth that I, I mean me myself who liked and wanted to do and did, and this is where I became ahead of them all. This video put it all in place. Once we allow ourselves to be influenced by others and follow them (subconsciously) we do not do what we need to do. Once we decide doing our own thing, we are going to succeed big time. Thanks!
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later
Thanks again for your insight Dr.Les Carter .Your videos are very educational and helpful .
It’s exhausting to be the “good guy” especially once you’ve explained your boundaries in a situation important to me and the other person disregards your request. Right now I’m over it, they can have themselves reflected straight back at them. Counter productive and self destructive? yes. That’s how worn down I am with this self obsessed society.
I feel like no one deserves to be in a relationship with these people, i was in one but thank God i was able to find out in time, thank to mike he helped me hack her phone and i got all i needed for a divorce i even saw the evil plans she had ! if you need any help you should talk to him he would help you Text/Whatsapp +15182175945, @mikeswilfred on instagram
Such good points! I think we all have our limitations when a narcissist begins to try our last nerve. This is a good reminder to try to keep it together even when we are tired or frustrated from daily circumstances. Coping skills diminish when we’re exhausted. All things to keep in mind and put into practice. Hi to Gus!
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later
All I can say is, I'm getting better. I find myself wanting to scream and yell, but don't. Now I just need to find a good way to release the stress that has built up because I've just been assaulted!! Thank you Dr. Carter, your series has helped me immensely!! I have your book now, I'll be reading that as soon as possible.
Thank you Dr. Carter. After watching your videos and having some realizations I have let go of what feels like a huge weight that was weighing me down and making me anxious. I am free now. OMG. I have had other help for years but these were the crowning realizations that really put it in perspective. The missing puzzle pieces. I shared your narcissism videos with my long abused mother and she finally feels validated like I do. Thank you thank you thank you!!!!! I'm going to keep at it. We have more love in our family now. Thank you!
Hey Mark, you just made my day! Dr. C
I dearly wish I'd come across your teachings a few decades ago. You've provided a practical, easy to understand, frame of reference and tools with which to approach these issues. In the past, I had a more hard-driving, competitive, impatient (and hot-tempered) Type A personality, and too often just reacted to frustrating situations in a similar manner without stopping to think about...or even be aware of.... how I might consciously react differently to defuse such situations or avoid them altogether. Looking back, I must have come across as very emotionally immature at times....sometimes I want to cringe at my own ignorance. I've gotten much better over the past decade or so via an excruciatingly slow process of trial and error. You are a gifted teacher, Dr. Carter. I am deeply grateful to be able to receive your wisdom and counsel.
Reinforcing yourself with positivity is all in the midst of negativity to be a better and happier you.
Thank you Dr. C - Yes we are consciously aware of our own ideas and who we are. Even the most basic comment from a person who is stuck in their own sick patterns can cause an unhealthy response from us. For instance, you walk into work refreshed and prepared to take on the day - coworker who is stuck in old ways of speaking, “Are you ok? , You look tired.” Ughh
Please ladies, be kind to one another and encourage. We have no idea what the other person has been through.
This is an example of someone who is projecting her own tired, worn out self onto you and she so desperately wants you to jump into drama funnel with her.
As always, Dr Carter reminds me that I am
responsible too. In having to deal with the covert narcissistic mother, I started the meetings a thousand times thinking, this time I am gonna be nice and calm. Impossible, I fell into that angry stubborn behaviour pattern EVERY TIME by responding to the typical little sarcastic comments. In a way, one tends to not see the own responsibility for avoiding that (reducing/avoiding contact) instead of waiting for her or the universe to solve the issue. Thank you Dr Carter
I actually had this happen yesterday. I notice that when I am extra tired, I am not as diligent about handling people who are a bit difficult in the best way; then I become a little difficult myself.
I went to a class last night for a certification and one of the individuals doing the testing was absolutely obnoxious and rude to me. I was tired and not feeling well and was in no frame of mind for this kind of scenario. I have some head knowledge of how to handle these types of situations but I didn't implement them very well. In fact, I almost walked out. The second person was a lot more amicable. However, when I was sharing some of the long term goals that I am hoping will happen, he started listing off a whole bunch of reasons why it's not a strong likelihood that it would be successful. I spent the rest of my evening of feeling pretty "triggered." I basically felt like, "Fine! I will just sit here in my own little corner and keep to myself. The rest of the world can just go to hell in a hand-basket." I was also very frustrated with myself that I didn't handle it in the way that I needed to, even though I know better. So that caused me to feel even worse about myself.
In reflecting back on it today, I think that the interactions that occurred last night was reminiscent of childhood hurts. I was often heavily criticized by my mother, and there were a lot of people that would talk to me as if I would never be able to accomplish much, or be successful, or ever be good enough. There were things that I wanted to do, like learn more skills like music, dance, and other good things. I even wanted to join the Air Force or other branch in the military so I could earn money for a nursing degree. There were other things that I wanted to do but I was never smart enough, didn't do things right, and would never succeed at anything. So, now when there is someone who is rude, condescending, overly critical, or being a naysayer when I am trying to accomplish things that will actually save lives, I sometimes get angry.
Literally by the grace of God, I have actually been able to accomplish some pretty good things in my life, despite a lot of challenges and obstacles. I am still working to accomplish more; not only for my own benefit, but so that I can be of more help to other people in very meaningful ways. There are still obstacles and challenges. I may not be able to accomplish all that I want to do, but I am certainly working towards it. Once in awhile, that inner conflict gets triggered in me, like it did last night. I know that I could have done better; but there will be more opportunities to learn and practice the tools of handling toxic people; while working on getting rid of my own maladaptive coping mechanisms.
Thanks..that certainly makes alot of sense. When we have a critical parent we can become quite reactive when others criticize us. Maybe it's often more their issues n not ours. Alot of people can get bitter n twisted and take it out on others I've noticed when things aren't going the way THEY would like it to go in their life. It sucks but it is something I've noticed.
It has taken me 60 years but I am conquering the need to react in a negative way to others unhealthy behavior, this keeps my vibration raised and gives me peace of mind. Its a process, but I am getting there! Thank you again for this important video!
I have way to many moments in defender mode. I’m put on the spinning wheel of perspective and told how wrong every feeling I have.
Loved you in divorce care videos. So happy to see you doing more.
Thank you Dr. Carter! I'm about to go into a leadership program where everything about me will be tested. Your videos have already allowed me to pinpoint some specific behaviors that I absolutely want to change. Thank you for your commitment!
Great! Make sure you peruse the new website, SurvivingNarcissism.tv. We're uploading articles to go along with our videos. Good luck to you! Dr. C
Thanks for the video. I am now more aware of myself and what to watch out for when dealing with others and myself.
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone, all i did was to share his phone number with (geniustracker) without touching his phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact John to help he is a genius. You can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) and don't forget to thank me later
Please make more videos on this channel. We need your help. The Surviving Narcissism channel is getting all your focus right now. Please don’t forget about this general helpful channel that can benefit so many. Thank you!