Are You a Controlling Person? You Might Be Surprised!
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- Опубліковано 3 сер 2024
- We often assume that controlling people are forceful and in charge (which they can be), but an attitude of control can also be demonstrated in a very broad array of behaviors. And that tends not to bode well for relationships Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter exposes the many ways you may attempt to control others, then explains how to approach relationships in a more successful manner.
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In the past 39 years he has conducted more than 60,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars.
Dr. Carter's books: store.bookbaby.com/book/When-...
www.amazon.com/When-Pleasing-...
www.amazon.com/Anger-Trap-You...
www.amazon.com/Enough-About-Y...
Dr. Carter's online workshops on narcissism, anger management, and overcoming infidelity: drlescarter.com/video-workshops/
While Dr. Carter does not conduct online counseling, he has vetted a group who can help: betterhelp.com/drcarter
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If you are looking for answers and have found Dr. Les for the first time, know that he is gifted. You are simply brilliant, Dr Les. Life saver.
ditto and Amen
man ill be straight up. It seems like almost everything is controlling
That is troubling... so are we all controlling??
We are all everything. I believe it's a balance and noticing and accpeting when we step over the balance to much.
@Fanon Frantz I think you are preciving what I'm saying. We are saying different things. I'm saying we are everything, we have all of these things inside of use, if we choose to act on them we can. Or we can just BE.
@@bellavie1506 The question that needs to be asked is why we are attempting to control things.
If it's an attempt to have everyone benefit, that would be a healthy use of control (i. e. attempting to clear out pitfalls, avoid misunderstandings, etc.).
However, if it's an attempt to make it easier for yourself and/or your cronies, that definitely is unbalanced and therefore unhealthy.
I find your post controlling. You try to make me post a response . Oh wait... Damn. ...
I can not STAND being controlled and everyone in my family is either overtly controlling or manipulative (or both) and it drives me CRAZY. The only thing I want to control is ME and my life but I have to fight controllers even for that.
I have a family like that as well. I'm afraid to stick up for myself or even voice my own opinion on something, in fear of being shot down!
@@shirk5294 Im not afraid, it just goes nowhere. Deaf dumb and blind to anything that contradicts their delusional over-inflated opinion of themselves
I came from a similar family...it sucked.
@@sheilajac - I think your *Deaf dumb and blind statement* is offensive to the millions of interesting and intelligent people who use technology nowadays to master their challenges. i.e.* Andrea Bocelli * comes to my mind.
I think many of us, myself included, use the names of particular disorders
too quickly and freely, too black and white, almost so happy to have finally figured out everyone else around us that we can now give names to.
@@chm825 I think you interpreted my statement to be offensive to people I wasn't referring to whatsoever. I was referring to people who are psychologically deaf dumb and blind, not literally. I am happy to have some insight into what has been problematic to me for a long time. Not to label - to understand it in order to protect myself.
A very interesting way of looking at control, both in myself and others. Lots of food for thought in this video, but I just wanted say I smiled when you mentioned the listening to telling ratio because it reminded me of a conversation I had with my grandfather when I was a child. He asked me how many ears I have, and I said 2. Then he asked me how many mouths I have, and I said 1. Then he said if I learned to use my ears twice as much as my mouth, I wouldn’t go far wrong in life. And he was so right. I should add he said this in good humour. I had a wonderful relationship with my grandfather. He was an exceptional listener and was the person I was closest too in my childhood. He died when I was in my late twenties and I miss him so much.
Sounds like a kind soul. He's still alive in your heart. Dr. C
Good listeners are priceless, and that, too, is good (grand)parenting.
Thank you for sharing the wisdom your grandfather passed down. Very special.
❤️❤️
Passive aggressiveness is control--silent shouting....
And I consider that type dangerous. I like to get mine out and move on.
However, this type is fairly easy to disrupt, even for sensitive folks.
Instead of letting it bother you, simply walk away and let the wannabe controller continue pouting. Most often they absolutely hate it when their behavior is reflected back on them.
@@shawnmendrek3544 - my soon to be Ex is a yeller & prone to rage fits... daily. It really upsets me. I've lived in the flight v. fight mode for so long - it's awful. I was (& will be again) a joyful, very happy soul but the constant barrage has turned me into a reactive/C-PTSD type. For so long I did not know what was wrong with him, but Dr. Carter taught me & that makes it a bit more tolerable until I can leave.
The injustice and fakeness of passive aggressive behavior drives me insane. Be forthright, be assertive, don’t play weak games with me!!!
Narcissist don’t do two-way streets. It’s a one-way Street with their name on it
I agree with you these narcs are definitely one sided or double standard .
Mike Smith 116 they’re both
Good comment!
Ha, haaaaa, ha!!! Good point! 👍
... which is 'Psycho Path' :D
" *TIGHT WITH MONEY* "
A very telling subtitle, Dr. Carter. Thank you so much for your insights!
I need to tune in more often ...I see that I am not alone in my shortcomings.
*Santa Reid:* No, you're definitely not alone - according to what the Dr. just said, I'm pretty controlling! But I've never thought of it that way!
😂
I will be honest. I am somewhat controlling. I'm working on it though.
stevo54838 I think it’s part of the human condition. After all, evolutionarily, the more control we have over our environment, generally, the better we do, right? I think there’s a spectrum that everybody displays tendencies or traits of being controlling sometimes but that a few folks can’t seem to function without exerting or extorting some sort of control over others. The fact that you’re willing to look at yourself and work on your issues has to be a good sign, right?
@@brightpage1020 Yeah like you said we've all got to have at least some control in our environment. There are times when someone's got to take control of whatever the situation is. But as you also said there is a such a thing as going too far with that. I'm trying to find that healthy balance .
U are aware now good for u. Now u can work onit.. denial when u have problems.. I am too somewhat. Keep up the good work bro. God bless.
Wow! This is an absolutely wonderful video!
It reminds me of Carl Jung's realisation about our shadow self and how we will do anything to avoid acknowledging our own undignified behaviours. We don't want to take responsibility so we avoid seeing ourselves.
I would like to read more of his work,...this is very true abt most of us as humans.
It's also very scary to look within ourselves, not just because we don't want to take the responsibly.
Dr. C.!!! MY GUY!!. I want to take a moment to send you some energy of appreciation for sharing yourself and words of wisdom it is priceless.. so today I send you something priceless in return ...a moment of silence and love on your behalf.... Peace🥰
What a wonderful gift...received! Dr.. C
I learned to be mysterious, because my family was very controlling and nosy, and they where always butting their head in my business to stop me from meeting my goals, instead of what they wanted me to do. As I grew older I seemed to attract people who want to monopolize my time and resources and i continue to be mysterious as a way to hold control over myself from these people.
HEIBAOSHEN that’s a very fun way to think of it. Much nicer than “boundaries” which just feels difficult. Actually sometimes I like to say “ I am very mysterious and important” ironically but maybe I should think about it more sincerely
Self preservation and boundaries are good!
Oh my goodness I am a control freak!
Oh damn I don't think I'm ready for this
Sound like everyone is controlling
Usually, I observe people before I get comfortable with them. I often get the question "why are you so quiet" and I think it's because people have a tendancy to try and take advantage of my kindness or be controlling. On the other hand, I have been told that I don't get along with others and this is only when people are treating me badly and I defend myself. So, I can't win.
Actually I think there is wisdom to your approach, and if someone pushes against it, that tells you it would not be a good fit. Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter Sometimes I just feel like a target. I don't look to control anyone or to manipulate people. It's just not who I am. Thanks for your advice.
@@jazzminejackson9181 You sound somewhat like an INFP. That is my personality. I tried for years to be more assertive; then people turned that around on me by being quiet, or ignoring my inquiries. They did not want to engage equally. I am a very good listener, but as I learned to share they switched gears and became closed.
You can't win. But I don't need to win, I feel people desire CONTROL.
Yeah, controllers naturally attract to nice people (all too often easy targets for their will) & don't like it when they find out that some of us know that nice doesn't = pushover. We learn to take their reactions in stride & move past them. We just have to filter through more new people than jerks who repel people! Lol.
Thank God for self esteem. Then esteem is enough of a job to keep a balanced perspective of, sometimes, & not be cocky jerks ourselves. Keeping balanced -
Dr. Carter is a great help there! Loooove him!
@@peppertree8244 "cocky jerks" = subjective judgment. I try to at least give people the benefit of the doubt before making any judgments. The topic of confidence vs arrogance--- what is the scale?
How would you define the difference?
Very useful checklist for me. When my insecurity comes up, so does my weird need for control. Working on that. I do like myself and sometimes need to remind myself of that!
Thank you for helping us to become moreself aware and discerning :)
I do see me in a few areas. I resent it when my property, how I organize things or time things gets interfered with. My narc husband likes to interfere. In general, I am learning to listen more, be more tolerant towards others. Another excellent video, Dr. Carter. There is always much to ponder from your videos! Thank you!
This is why I had some issues with this video. Those are your boundaries being blown. It's not controlling when we're talking about things that are yours to own and to treasure, like you precious time or your possessions. They must be respected.
We can all agree it's rude to be changing plans last minute, or arriving 30 minutes late, right? I wouldn't say the person getting angry for that disrespect is controlling, I would say they have clearly marked and healthy boundaries.
My husband screams “ you will not control me “ yet he controls EVERYTHING! I have no access to any accounts not even able to look at my cell phone bill. His mother invalidates everything always telling me how I should change when he’s abusive. They are enmeshed. I can’t parent with him he is a raging man who only knows how to react He refuses to do anything I ask like can you feed the dog. I have to have someone else ask him to get him to do anything. He’s nice in public everyone loves him but at home it’s hell literally.
Do you have separate friends? Is there someone you can talk to about this? Or maybe your own family members? Don't let shame delay reaching out for help, take care of you the best you can! Good luck!
Sounds like a covert narrassist.
Cat, please get help! Dump this loser for your own sale and for the sake of your children.
Calm that makes him a Narc! My husband same way, won’t pay bills on time but tells me I am controlling because I want to pay bills on time with HiS money. Won’t stop calling this other woman and texting but I am being controlling by asking him to stop because it’s inappropriate. That is ok. We will be divorced soon.
Excited and happy about your new channel, Dr. Carter. I sure hope Gus is on board with this project.
Gus will definitely make some appearances. He's in demand, and he's been asking for a raise in his allotment of treats. Dr. C
Dr. Les Carter Lol...Gus is so precious.
I just realized I was controlling, I’ve been through a lot a trauma. I’m wanting too stop being controlling it gets me into too much mess. I end up being the fixer in different family issues. I think it stems from having too be my alcoholic mothers mom. My son born with health issues. Abusive relationship ect. Not excusing my behavior because of my trauma. I’m going back to therapy.
Harmony and calm is always my goal. I feel like such a square peg in a round hole more and more in this ever changing society, even (or perhaps more so) in my own family fullll of "me me me." Acceptance and tolerance is often met by more and more people as having an incorrect perception of either A) Intimidating superiority or B) Ulterior motives
Oof.
I truly appreciate you, Dr. C. Thank you for being the real deal with your wisdom amongst so many crackpots with believable (by the gullible and naive) opinions here on UA-cam. You're really a breath of freah air to me quite regularly now.
Well, if that's being a square peg, then I say stay square! Dr. C
Dr C, I’m so happy that you are on my journey, and that of a collective journey respectively. Thank you, and love to Gus.x
Dr. Carter, your videos are as warm and engaging as they are informative. Thanks to you and any team of helpers for producing them!
Congratulations on your new UA-cam Channel. Your very informative channel focused on Narcissism has helped so many, I am sure. I've recommended your channel to many who have been at the effect of narcissists actions.
I'd like to think that there are more normal healthy-minded folks than not... however, it seems more unusual to encounter ones who are truly aware of their ego traits, their weakness of character traits. What is called "normal", and is dismissed too easily, as getting passed off as quirky, or 'that's just the way "Jack" or "Sue" are... is a great cover for controlling individuals. Having studied for over 3 decades with various teachers, now mainstream science is actually beginning to poke it's head outside of the box and take note between controlling traits and physical onset of various illnesses. It is my hope that eventually there will be proved ( more anecdotal at this point )… that mental health is directly linked to onset of cancers, and diseases. All the more reason to understand how un-investigated parts of the ego lay huge wide berths for the 'un-balanced self" to eventually show up in the body, literally. From Parkinson's Disease, the loss of ability of the "body-control".... if studied, the person usually has extreme needs to control others. The body screams, for attention to
"pay attention", and if ignored, the outcome shows up, too loud to be ignored,.. and doctors offices are filled to the brim... if the person fails to take self awareness, seriously. Of course, this is not a popular topic... for few would want to acknowledge just how controlling they truly are. Who wants to expose their dark thoughts, their dark agendas? It would be much easier to blame someone else. And, of course this ties into a narcissistic personality type. It's just easier to pop pills and be prescribed some drug.. rather than tackle the more unpleasant sides of a self. This is the pioneer leading edge, imho, of physical health/mental health. And, what outcome can ensue if continually brushed aside. We owe it to ourselves to take self inventory, and often that can be a bitter pill. However, the alternative can bring much worse. Study most heart patients, and they often struggle with even expressing love outwardly. To block love is the greatest threat to the body, again, imho. Looking around at the state of the world today.... it seems the true epidemic is a blazing wild fire, gaining rapidly. Again, Dr. Carter, I know you are shedding great light on a difficult topic.
I am an empath and I think at times I have unconsciously given things to people assuming that it will be reciprocated. When it's not, I can experience that as hurt if the original gift was not truly a gift. That tells me that it was actually ME who needed my attention in the first place - not the other person as I had originally thought.
Jaime Pfeffer idk I think that’s usually co-dependant thinking disguised as philosophical thinking. I used to think that way when trying to make relationships with very flawed people be les flawed than they are. All proper relationships are give and take.
I have the same issue,but I didn't understand the second part of your message!
I was dating a woman for about 6 months, early 30's. She'd go out drinking every weekend - to the point of spewing - at bars and clubs until 4am and stay over at a friends house because she couldn't drive home - she lived rurally. I asked if I would ever be invited to come along as she went out with both men and women, and they usually started at one of their houses.
"No. No one else brings their partner - it would be awkward." She said she'd dance with guys - but she wouldn't let them buy her drinks and if I ever went out drinking I wasn't to speak with any women, but if men approached her she could have a short conversation with them. Her best friend had cheated on her husband and it seemed like he was last to know.
I had met none of these people she went out with. I told her I didn't like it. She told me I was being controlling and we fought over it.
I found her behaviour to be typical of 21 year olds and tragic at her age. I eventually mustered up the strength to dump her, and I'm really glad I did. I'm now with a lovely woman and we just had our first child.
She can do what she wants - I just dont have to be with her.
Nice!
The opposite of control is trust, but to too trustfull is no good. Somehow we need to finde a balance between these two extrems.
Yes. Ultimately when I cannot trust another person, I can still ask: Can I still trust me? Dr. C
He who makes u angry controls you
well yes, from a certain perspective, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. if nazis do some nazi-ing for example, and you're NOT angry then you are a bad person, you're without empathy, you're without ethics. you're not a supremely mentally healthy person. to say so would be saying that people without empathy are the healthiest; sociopaths are the healthiest. lots of peopel do think that. Ayn rand for one.
@@M_SC Good thinking!
Could you please go deeper into what you've just said? Explain it a bit more?
people can't control their initial reactions to things. if you see something and you feel anger, that's a reflex, you can't prevent that. you can control what you do afterwards, you dont have to punch everyone you're angry at like a toddler tries to, that's what parents immediately start teaching them. narcissists are masters at saying and doign things that make you angry (and other painful emotions). so yes i agree that "he who makes you angry", for example a narcissist who's doing it on purpose, is manipulating you. But i dont like the implication that somehow you are weak or deficient for feeling this anger. people can't control that initial reaction. i don't like the implication that not having this reaction is the goal. if you don't have reactions, you are dead inside, you are a sociopath. I recently read a long article about how the novel writer Ayn Rand (beloved by right wing politicians and bankers, etc) saw elminating or not having this initial emotion in the first place was desireable, thinking this so far as to admire a known psychopath pedophile and murderer not so much because he did those things but becuase he was "Free of emotion". you don't want to be free of emotional reaction to things, people with empathy feel anger when they see injustice, for example, if you see nazis doing something nazi-like. i use the example of nazis simply because it represents badness. you dont want to see nazi-like behaviour and not feel angry at that! that would mean you're a nazi too, or a psycho who doesn't feel anything at all. i dont like the comment "he who makes you angry controls you" because to me it implies that smashing away all your feelings is the answer, instead of locking up all the nazis.
Derelict Geek I’m not sure if it was this video but as a person who is messy and disorganized and probably has ADD I was similarly annoyed by characterizing messy people as not conscientious. I am extremely consciencious. Some of th other aspects he talks about I can be accused of but not that one.
Derelict Geek idk about that because this video isn’t practicing. It’s infotainment. I like his videos a lot. This one may be aimed at the narcissists not the victims? Or at the passive aggressive behaviours co-dependant people pick up as a coping mechanism from being forced to deal with unfair behaviours of the narcissists
Or both.
Procrastination is the way I punish myself I guess. It leads to anxiety and pacing and all kinds of negative discouraging thoughts of hopelessness.
I think it may come from feeling like I have to continue to do something I don't truly want to do, because I don't have that filter to actually listen to my own wants a desires and needs.
Thank you Side Effects. Your comments perfectly expresses my issue with procrastination!
Oh dear... recognised some of myself in this video, did not realise. OK, thank you Dr. Carter for the insight to change and become more self aware.
Yes, self awareness is the first step. You can do it. Dr. C
This is exactly the topic I needed to learn more about. Thanks so much for this very helpful video, Dr. Carter!
Wow! I loved the opening part about the different kinds of control! Would be exciting to get more videos from you about the mid-level and subtle types of control!
Thanks for the input. Dr. C
Definitely some food for thought in this one. I tend to be too blunt a lot of times and I guess in it's own way that's controlling behavior. I was raised in a family of firefighters, first responders and an uncle that was a cop. As such even though it was a very loving environment we were all short and to the point, sometimes at the sacrifice of manners. When on a call you can't really take time to discuss much because every second you're talking things aren't getting better. So as a result instead of explaining why someone needed to change what they were doing it was, "Hey, get the lead out and move that over there!" Then after all was calm again you explained yourself. I revert to that still too often but most of my friends seem to enjoy that little quirk about me and are deeply tolerant of it. Great start for the new channel!
Randy Eller, I appreciate folks getting straight to the point like you do! Wish more people were like that. Your family had to be like that because lives were at stake, I imagine.
Much Sucess in your new YTube channel 🌟 subscribed 💕 Blessings 💟
Thanks Filipa. Dr. C
Thank you so much, Dr. Carter. Your videos are helping me do some much needed emotional rebuilding.
Thanks Dr. Carter and for the self help videos..I love your videos..keep up your awesomeness..💜
To be honest I'm the evasive, silent mysterious type 90% of the time. 8 hours of work 5-6 days a week is plenty interaction. There has to be a break. ❤ I've accepted that I'm an introverted empath and that acceptance gives me peace. 🧘🏻 I need my silence from the buzz and rumble of the "OUTTHERE".
My home is my realm of meditation, my place to replenish from the world of traffic noise, sirens, crowds and all those daily demands. My social apps locked. My kids and family are always welcomed and always invited because i know their energy,... but that's my limit. Absolutely no coworkers or colleagues over.... Nope, no, nay....no way...they'll see me at work!
I stopped giving my personal contacts out years ago to anyone other than my immediate supervisors, close family and some how robo-callers seem to have it🤣😂. Today, companies, jobs, and these busy-bodies seem to want to bind up your time 24/7 ...
I think a lot of anxiety comes from people being to afraid to limit their access to everyone. I've watched others go through constant people drama & clique clutters and never having freedom from somebody coming by, calling, texting, trying to persuade you to get-togethers, potlucks, hangouts....etc...etc..on and on😩... to me that is just so draining and exhausting!
I like the upbeat opening of this new channel!!
Wow! Excellent topic & information...great video!
I hate to be controlled bcz I was controlled for a long time without being aware of it.
Now I'm a controller buster!
69LOLIN 😂😭😭😭😭
I like your new channel Dr C - I think it is a great idea ! particularly since you are so
much more than a reservoir of knowledge on Narcissistic disorder. It is clear you have a host
of knowledge about mental health issues, and i look forward to learning more from you.
As far as "this" video, i have just learned that talking too much is a controlling issue. I talk too much and do more on the list/ countdown you just gave. But what i love about myself is that i need others input and i am willing to change. Here is one, i hate when people do not answer their phones. I am patient for one day - the next day i am on FIRE.
I like your honesty! Thanks Ocean! Dr. C
Good information, thanks for sharing.
Hmm. I'm still controlling, I believe, but I guess I've made progress? I do have to say I become much more controlling when I feel like I'm being controlled, a defense mechanism (and I am SURROUNDED by all levels of controlling.) Thank you for these videos, Dr. C, they have been very helpful.
How about those people who control others by being offended?
The wife and our daughter can't take constructive criticism even sweetened up with a positive affirmation, then gentle constructive criticism followed by another positive affirmation or compliment. Most times I can't get to the third step because upon a hint of criticism I don't even get the most important message through.
They will go silent and give you the look or being so butthurt due to the fact that you have struck a nerve blow and spew word vomit at me like a volcano blowing it's top. Usually a major eruption ensues.
Fantastic insight on the control spectrum, sir! Thank you so much!
Terrific video. Although I am an empath, capable of deep and lasting friendships & relationships - I am currently married to a covert, malignant controlling Narc. w/rage issues. However, I am not perfect & after watching this video - I realize that I have work to do & can be a better, less reactive person. Many thanks.
I enjoy your videos Dr. Les Carter. Most controlling people are not happy and they are very insecure/jealousy. I had one lady at the church try to control me when I was minding my busy. She was homeless living in a house that the church provides for single homeless adults. She had to work in the church to stay there for free. How someone that don't get their life together going to be in someone else business. She went to gossip with other women about what I did. She was a fool they also gossip about her. I don't go back to the church. Most of the people that go there gossip about each other. I'm not judging no one situation we all going to have our trials in life.
Most of the people attend are from the streets life so I'm not really surprised by the behavior. A few months before the incident the church always has lunch. After we were done eating, she just stares at me. I just ignore her knowing something was wrong with her as long she didn't violate my safety. I also picked negative vibes from her in earlier months. Also, I can tell from her behavior and what others told me she is a control freak. I don't let no one control me. We must have proper boundaries dealing with people.
I think you have to be in a very sattled place and very much oriented inside of your self, in order to let go of control. You need Selfcontrol. Trauma is when you have lost that sence of selfcontrol. When somebody else used you and contoled you. You loose your sence for beeing in a safe place. It's not easy.
You're right. It's not easy and it can be a lifelong project. I'm working on it personally, and I hope you will join me. Dr. C
Thank you, Dr. Les. Your videos are incredibly helpful. They talk to me, they see me through my challenges. Your mission is being fulfilled.
Standing ovation on your new channel! I’m proud of all your hard work! Let me know if you need a guest! It would be like the old days of Minreth-Meir radio!
Hey Cynthia. Actually I'm channeling my old radio days. I'm having a blast doing You Tube...gotta keep up with the times. Always good to hear from you! Les
This was so needed! Thank you. I love the way you articulated control here. Easy to follow and understand. I also love how you organized the spectrum and the goal. Powerful. Insightful. Well done! 🙏🏽💕
Interesting. Thought-provoking as usual. I love the way you seem to be able to see life. Thank you for helping me see it clearer
I enjoy being here with you too!!! All of your videos are so helpful! It's like I have my own counselor in my own home! I literally can't wait to see what you are going to say next time! I start my day and end my day with your videos because I really want to learn!!!! God bless you Dr. Carter!!!! Thank you so much too!!!!!!!:)
Self control is a virtue.
Doctor, you sir are very respected in my book. I am eager to learn more about myself from your teachings. Thank you, thank you! THANK YOU!
So pleased! Dr. C
This is awesome I definitely am guilty of many of these things and definitely have work to do I see myself watching this video again because I see it assisting me with a few areas within my mental health ty
Excellent video! Thanks, Dr. Carter!
Thank you so much for helping me with my life & freedom. Playing the game & watching is ever so amusing.
Love your new channel! Thank you!
Wow , this was a great one .
I wish my narcissist would hear this one .
You know him very well .
📢
Very interesting video, thank you for taking the time to make it. Introspection.
Thank you for pointing those things out, nice video.
Thank you for your advice today, I needed that. I will check my listening time to my talk8ng time.
Boundaries matter. I do not open up to people that have not demonstrated good will toward me.
i've unintentionally played into the "mysterious" role without realizing that it's a form of control. i think what wanting to be in control comes down to is fear of things not going the way that you want them to and being uncomfortable with the outcome you don't otherwise expect. it's something that we just have to accept about life and no matter how hard we we try to control things, it's like trying to swim against a current; the more you try to push against it, the more you will be punished for doing so
I was evasive in a certain predicament recently and see how this hurt the people involved so this is food for thought.
I know a man who is so controlling that he married a helpless woman. He's been doing the laundry, cleaning, shopping, cooking, home improvement, dog walking, earning and bill paying for 40 years. She does a little volunteer work. He's exhausted and knows he has a problem...
Maybe he's not so much of a controler because he's completely controled by his wife : a plough horse maybe?
@@doortjedartel3991 No, he's very controlling. He picked her because she's helpless and that lets him decide everything. She comes from a long line of schizophrenic women, has a touch of it herself and needs caretaking. He and his siblings were farmed out to various relatives for several years after his parents divorced so he's got control problems. He doesn't like anything he hasn't done or chosen.
Yes, I am gaining knowledge from you. Thank you.
I don’t try to control others, but I’m very controlling with myself. I’m pretty easy on others, though.
'subscribed! Can't wait to learn more!!!
Wow this is great topic and on point.
I frequently find myself being on the controlling end of situations and actually use your videos not as a way to deal with other controlling people, but to improve how I handle myself in my relationships. I just had a challenging situation with someone close to me and used a lot of your ideas and techniques so that we could both walk away with a happier outcome. I am very pleased. I need this in my life to have thriving relationships. It is so challenging, but I keep believing it does get better and easier and this is the feeling I feel when I am changing the fabric of my life. Thanks for making these videos. It does positively impact the world. ✊💙
Another very helpful video 😊 From I get that control isn't necessarily negative but that some control is very important. We need it to be organised and efficient.
Excellent!! Well done! 🙌
This is a real eye opener!
One of your very best, Dr. C!
Wow, really good points in this video. Thanks .
Excellent video! Very helpful insights! We all try to maintain a modicum of control in our own way, but some are more tightly wound controllers than others. Eye-opening! Thanks!
Thanks for this video, Dr. C. It helped me to check my behavior.
Quite an eye-opener, thank you!
4:50... all is revealed. We all have control tendencies... excellent . The good side v the ruining side.
Finally the video i needed
I like ur new into and healthy subjects.i grew so sick of narcissism that I unsubscribed. Glad to be back with you . Best wishes
Another fantastic video, thank you.
A certain level of control is normal and necessary to be healthy. Procrastination and perfectionism are mentioned here, but starting a project on time and finishing it on time are also controlling. It becomes a problem when it's OTHER PEOPLE who want to bear down on you for the sake of THEIR control. This normal, natural need for some kind of control over one's own time and effort, as well as LIFE is why many people have problems with uncertainty.
I love it this video because it is meant to help all and not pointing fingers at anyone. I have the
" things have to be perfect" issue in my home, only me live there, but I'm working on it. Caused by not having order in my life. Time to Relax.
Thanks Dr. Carter.
Dr. I have a controlling attitude. I work constantly on my own personal habits improvements because I am aware. However, if I let my hard down, there come the advantegeous "friends" to take advantage of my kindness.
I said it one time that I am surrounded by shrewed manipulative people. 🐍 🐍 🐍
Spanish, and most Cubans are like that,; it is like engraved in our DNA, specially the last generations.
I am Cuban myself, but I've been living in the US for thirty long years. I know the difference between American old fashion way with honesty.
Dishonest people never ever, ever, play in honest terms, dear Dr. Carter. Of course, rules always has exceptions.
❤
Great subject Dr. C.
Well working on a being a better person isn't without owning your own faults.
Sometimes it is difficult and makes you realize how little you have learned and have applied to yourself even though you have been trying to reach inside of your own mind and control the actions of your own everyday interactions with the people that are in your life.
This video hits home with me in a good way as well due to the need to continue on the path of self improvement.
This reminds me that getting to the point where I can slack up and float the boat requires paddling down the stream further before reaching the point where I can lay down the paddle and just let the current carry this boat on down to the landing.
Thanks Dr. C I needed to get this message so I have some more tools to work with. Pet Gus he must've been sleeping elsewhere.
He always seems to be bored and being a good dog doesnt figure the message applies to him.
I don't try to control others in so much as I want to help them be the best they can be.
Great insights!
wow thank you. nice to realize that we not perfect. At least we get the opportunity to work on ourselves and grow as people.
It’s a constant struggle with my sinful nature.
I have had people tell me that I should be in Quality Control, lol.
Yes, I (INFJ) recognize my forms of controlling others. I experienced emotional abuse in my youth from my father and step-mom as well as bullying at my school, etc. I recognize my deep need to "protect my heart," however, I recognize that my forms of control leads to false perceptions of who I am with others (especially people of power over me). There is a noticeable repeated occurrence of my woundedness that results from others not understanding the real me over time.
I am hoping that I can learn to exercise maintaining proper boundaries so that I can stop my downward spirals.
May G-d help me and others like me.
This was very illuminating. Thanks for these great vids. I've purchased your book ("When Pleasing You is Killing Me") and am looking forward to reading it.
Uni Otter i just read it- it was such a great book- it really spoke to me, so many a-ha moments
@@34drwin it seems to describe me for the most part I suppose it's evidence that I'm not such a unique individual after thinking that I was all my life.
It's an eye openening read to say the least.
What about ppl who project? People often talk too much because they are nervous.
I feel dominating more than controlling. I interrupt a lot. I am generous when able. I procrastinate, can't work steadily in making money and thus need support. I feel deserving...I have given. I would like to speak those repressed feelings. Hmmm...I have done well with some employers. I am learning to modulate, listen and sense. I am most delighted when open and grace arises. I do consult and welcome others. I have had influence but for many wanting absolute answers and then judge I fail. And that's ok. I may dominate but I do not control.
Excellent!