Abusers love to target healthy, assertive people. They want to make “an example” of them to shut down anyone who might even think about challenging them.
Yes! Some bizarre sabotage happened to me as a result. They didn't even have the guts to admit that to me. (How they feigned outrage when I told them exactly how red handed the virtual videotape had them as.)
Just for the sake of discussion, abusers target people who are not assertive. Assertive people have no difficulties expressing their wants and needs, will be prepared to leave the situation calmly without escalation if these are not met. Again, Just my opinion based on my experience.
@@VINOTHKUMAR-fb4ce thank you for sharing this! My experience has been in a corporate setting and in leadership levels. I’ve witnessed otherwise healthy, high performing people run out of their jobs when a narcissist perceives a threat - which is always. Walking away from a great paying job can be hard to do; I’m learning more about employment law in the hopes of helping others navigate while minimizing (financial) costs.
Yeah, there's been times I listen to his vids for a couple hrs or so. When I need that extra insight or knowledge. I also listen for a bit, stop n ponder until I feel like I understand n play the talk some more. I take notes. I tell my kids stuff I learn or hear from dr C. Now one of them tunes in for sage advice. But this one on assertiveness is kind of tricky depending on the situation. I'll definitely listen again. Slowwwly.
@@lorinapetranova2607 Your kids are lucky! My mom loved to rave about Dr Phil and I have nothing against that guy, but I'll take Dr Les Carter any day over him.(nothing totally against Dr Phil, but just saying!)
@@monmacphee289 Dr C is like a friend or relative from a time we seem to have lost. He's like people from before about 1992. Maybe he's one of those relics known as a Southern Gentleman with distinction. I'm appreciative of the fact he makes time for us out here in el Bizarro world n gives us good healthy advice that's not fictitious. A true Texas Treasure!
For sure - people don't like when someone they're used to manipulating suddenly stands up for themselves! Takes them a while to get used to it at all. (We have to get used to the new us, too). My narc sister will never get used to it, tee hee. I have to re-establish boundaries sometimes but at least she bothers me a lot less often. As for the 'friends' lost, we're all better off. Plenty of fish in the sea in all forms! Just stay at it. We're all worth being respected.
I have a GOLDEN CHILD EVIL NARC sister too (that I have been NO CONTACT with for 3 years)--and while you can't pick your family, you can pick your friends! As you already know. Watching videos like these have empowered me to finally cut the toxic crap from my life, once and for all. it's not always easy getting out of the maze of torment that you find yourself stuck in, but it's worth the work and time to do for sure. Freedom ONCE AGAIN... FINALLY!!
This is the first time I’ve heard what true assertiveness is. To be known & hear myself express my feelings, beliefs etc. To be allowed to feel & believe who I am is enough. And no need to convince the other. You are worth your weight in gold. Thank you 🙏
When I find that I am dealing with a "rager" rather than a listener I immediately end the conversation by politely excusing myself. The "rager" avoids me after that because they wanted to fight and I would not fight with them. The devil loves to ruin our witness by making us act like the rager. My motive when I speak is to share what I know, they don't have to accept it but it may give them some information they didn't have and I listen to them for this purpose too. Loving, kind discussions can help us grow but fighting only leaves everyone beaten and broken without actually hearing the message. I think what helped me was the realization that I didn't need to convince anyone, then I have no frustration when they don't see things my way.
Gwen: Good advice. I am to the point of looking at the narcissist squarely in the face when I am being devalued / verbally abused with various assassinations on my character and false accusations. I have started reflecting back what is said to me with a calm voice. I say “ So I hear you saying ……., then I walk away. I do this for 2 reasons: they have an opportunity to take back what they said, ( but they never do), and it confirms to me and them what they said to me. I would not recommend this unless you have fully detached emotionally. Doing this gives me clarity for the times they decide to be fake nice to me. 😩
@@choosepeacetoday I agree with you that looking them right in the face and saying what you need to say, then walking away is good. They may try to follow you and verbally poke some more, this is when it is good to be silent.
Some years back when expressing my truth, boundaries, etc someone would try to over ride what I had expressed. I began to use the word "Nevertheless" and then the person knew I wasn't backing down and there wasn't shouting or craziness happening.
My phrase was "Imagine that" they couldn't or wouldn't say a word cause actions speak louder than words- I never said anything before but those 2 words made me feel better- it is sad but glad I now know I'm not crazy- I was surviving being made to think I was crazy- humor is therapy for me👍
For me assertiveness is the same thing as establishing healthy boundaries and it is the best way to determine if someone is abusive or not. Narcissist will not like your boundaries but if you are strong enough they will eventually be forced to respect it while healthy people will never critisize or blame you for having boundaries. I personally faced some difficulties after putting boundaries like constant blames, judgements and critisism e.g. "Why are you like that?" But I force myself to remember that if they truly love me for who I am they will never blamed me for having these boundaries and hence it permit me to know that these people are not right for me to begin with. As an ancient codependent it is very difficult to be assertive all the time but I know that it is necessary. If you are assertive and you stick to it till the end, narcissist will eventually be forced to respect it if not, understand that they are not the right match for you.
Assertiveness = hearing me standing up for myself and giving myself permission to be ME regardless if that other person coordinates or not. Thank you Dr. Carter. I will live true to myself.
yeah, but my boss has the power and tried to get me fired when I finally stood up to him. I do not suggest your approach in some cases. And they lie to make themselves look better
@@chriswyma145 yeah, I didn't know that.... it takes time to leave these situations. Sadly. In my case I knew I was leaving a job so less to loose when they started lying. Further showed me there was no hope. (not that I needed it but....)
@@EE-zd6xh oh boy, I'll be 60 come Nov. and here comes my Quebec Pension, it's amount is not for the faint of heart, but my daughter who is 25 works on an organic farm and is very well taken care of! 🙋
@@chriswyma145 I've quit or been fired so many times, when I was finally working in my chosen field I was told by my horrible boss to take the forest's survey (I majored in Sylviculture) during hunting season, I quit even though I'd of been paid to be shot at!
@Salty Syren Same with my Mother. I have gone virtually No Contact with all of them and not grieving or fighting it as much. Any contact I have with her sets me back it's so dysfunctional. 🤷♀️. Best wishes 🙏🌹☺️
I used to feel guilty about silent treatment, but then I started to get so tired of this kind of behavior that I don't really care anymore. Standing up for myself is much more important than their childishness
The same with me! 🙄 Even if you learn to be assertive, it's no use when you meet someone not even knowing what the heck assertiveness and real communication mean
If you’re going to be truly assertive, you will have a strong internal locus of control. At this point, it doesn’t matter whether people agree with you or not, as long as they respect your boundaries. If they can’t, then if you’re setting the temperature of your own life, you cut those people loose. Be the thermostat not the thermometer.
Yes. If the person is an addict or a true narcissist, your assertiveness can enrage them and put you in danger. You must have support to stand up against these types. Sadly, addicts can be narcissistic without being a true personality disordered person. However, it’s worse when the addict is a narcissist. Confusing. But, true
Yes! Exactly! This is why it's difficult to get some people to put in perspective, and even sometimes take us seriously. For normal folks, there is a healthy level of narcissism. And people think we're just using "narc" as an insult, so they tune it out. I hope you have solid backup for your safety, too. Been there. Just remember, if you need distance to be safe, ya gotta go. You deserve to be safe. Stay Strong 💪
So too the still codependent ones married to them that are now oh so proud of themselves that they in contrast can hold down a job who often feel the need to cross your boundaries in order to 'gift' you with uncalled for and unsubscribed to advice. Like when calling the nearby hospital when it is not a pandemic and the odd one triage clerk there is acting like a horoscope reader for you based on what all she heard elsewhere instead of telling you what to do about the burn on your skin after spilling hot tea on your belly. While writing comments under this video TOTAL Adblock got rid of 13 Ads for me so I don't have to waste my time.
Great advice! 👍 Sadly, some people are dense and just don't get it, or ignor it, blame others, and make excuses while others, deliberately, disrespect your wishes and repeat the exact same thing over again. Accordingly, I learned late in life, to be selective as to whom I assert myself to, what I say, and how I say it. If it's someone who is defensive and a continual problem, they're in my rear view mirror. It's the only way, I can keep my peace of mind.
My motivation would be for siblings to participate in the care of an elderly parent. I don’t want to control them, but I expect them to share in the responsibility. One of them has deliberately created a problematic relationship with this parent to remove the possibility of having to be a caregiver.
Tell them you've seen what's in the parent's will, smile but don't say any more. If nothing else it will bug them to think they've been written out of it.
This video brought out an interesting self-discovery. I don't know what assertive looks like. I've connected aggressive, angry, or forceful behaviors with the word assertive. When someone 'asserts' themselves in my experience, it's generally about them getting what they want at my expense. Dr. C., this one left me scratching my head.
Say " I feel..... rather than making a statement because the narc can't deny what you are feeling. They may try to, but nobody else lives inside your skin, only you.
In my assertiveness I want to let them know what they've said or done is wrong and I see it as a form of protection for myself. I never expect the other person to change, but I feel like instead of taking their punches that being assertive is something I can do. Sort of like, do no harm but take no crap. But I'd like to just let it roll. After years of being assertive I feel tired from it and like I'd rather just get away from the person I am needing to be assertive with, and I think I end up feeling like that because they can't change and I can't concern myself with what they're going to say or think. But if it's someone I need to deal with repeatedly, I see being assertive as a way to hopefully stop whatever it is they're doing by showing them they can't be that way with me. They'll change their tactics but sometimes it has helped.
The problem with assertiveness is that it assumes that the person listening to it cares about how you feel. And that may not be true. I remember what my bullying mother always said when I told her she was hurting my feelings; "Your FEELINGS!!!!? Your FEELINGS!!!!? I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS!!!!!"
My assertiveness was met with over the top rages of his own assertiveness! So, no, and I pretty much wasted my breath and time! Got to point where it was pointless!
It just feels good to finally not be a doormat any longer- mine didn't know a conversation involved both people talking & listening to each other- So grateful for Dr.C🤗
My exact situation. Assert myself and the rage comes out full force. Yelling, screaming, cussing, overtalking , sometimes banging in the walls. Just craziness.
@@chriswyma145 but they also do it for the opposite reason because you're finally calling their bluff and they're too weak to handle that. So standing on a 100 soap boxes and screaming down to you is the only thing they have left. NO CONTACT is the only way out! (Or low contact if co-parenting or an employer)
All the above- check Me: (trying to be calm and assertive and respectful while hoping to have the same in return) “Please don’t interrupt me. Let me finish.” Narc: (literally walks away in response to my respectfully assertive requested for no more interruptions) “Keep talking. I’m listening.” Literally as they walk away! True story.
Very good topic Dr. C! Had to have a conversation with my husband's teenage daughter - I felt good afterwards and did it in love and emphasized love for her father for us to get along and love for her as well. I appreciate your insight into this subject! I think avoidance is mostly everyone's response to negative behaviors.
Thanks, Janet Sue. Hopefully your stepdaughter can get a head start in learning about these matters. Good for you that you spoke like this with her. Dr. C
We can't control how others react to our words. But damn it, let those words out- without expectations. It's a hard thing to do. (for me anyway, but I'm gonna work at it) :)
This is exactly what I’ve needed to hear. Life changing for me. I’m going to walk out the front door and go about my day today a different person because of this video. It’s so nice to hear this, Dr. Les... it’s correct and I can tell, I can feel that it is what is true for me. It’s nice to hear it from someone like yourself that understands all you do. It helps me be more receptive ... and decisive...towards my own self in regards to the “pull” I feel within relationship dynamics to be more focused or only focused on others but pretending (unintentionally )I’m about “balance”. It helps me know how to validate my own perception of imbalance and to know how to self-correct. Thank you.
I love this advice dr Carter. For the assertiveness to work, we must be true to ourselves and live according to our convictions and self respect, no matter what. This is the way of life we all deserve.
My goal for being assertive is to stand up for myself. I have let people push me down all the time. I've alway put my head down and walked away. That is what I'm trying to change about myself. I feel like people keep trying to get me to forget about being me. And just do what others want me to do. And how to think. This is the biggest reason why I keep trying to stand up for myself.
My assertiveness almost got me fired with a narcissist boss, even though it was about another person and a real problem. Oh, and this narcissist lies a lot, but in a sneaky way
I don't think assertiveness works with narcissists, their fragile ego may crack and they get enraged. The best you can do is to keep your distance as much as possible
Yes, assertiveness kind of requires both parties to be self-reflective, and that skill is absent with narcs. Ime, being fired by a narc can be a real blessing in disguise. Often, a career narc has a rep with other businesses, and the longer you've worked with one, the more you show your adaptability, dedication, and professionalism. Instead of saying narc, say something like "I'm used to a hi-energy environment" in an interview, and *build* on your value. Narcs don't live in a vacuum, people know. Just be discreet and confident and move forward. Good luck on your journey.
@@Noah_z_Ark yes, this was 6 yrs on at the job, and I am planning to leave so less to loose when it went south. DIsappointing but I'm still glad I did it. showed me the full extent of the lies.
•Narc with some influence or power over you is not a safe person to battle wits with. It will exhaust you and create more tension. Not worth it. Find a way out. I’ve tried to do the battle of wits thing against a covert narc- nobody wins and ultimately you’ll lose because of their insatiable ego against you and their need to display power. It’s easy for them to lay waste to you as fodder. •Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. Strengthen yours with every push against them. • Echoes, Silence, Patience, Defiance. Do your homework on narc/cluster B abuse. •Hold firm until you can get out. You will preserve your sanity by trying, understanding, then if all else has failed the situation: LEAVING. •This is not a game. This is your sanity. Preserve it all all costs. ALL COSTS.
Stating calmly, "You have no right to talk to me like that." Seeing clearly that you have the freedom and personal dignity to calmly refuse belittling, angry, false statements made to/at/about you. Detaching from out-of-line, negative emotion directed at you and walking away if the unwholesome and/or threatening treatment does not cease. Identifying recurring problems to be discussed calmly and directly when/if possible. Just say "No" to controlling behaviors, being especially alert to the more subtle forms including 'BREADCRUMBING." Accept the TRUTH of who and what you are dealing with, even when the truth is unpleasant/painful. "...The Truth will set you free." --JOHN 8:32
Certainly when I was younger my being assertive was met by the narcs I know by a renewed sense of revenge for having the nerve to 'oppose' them . There's so many of these people around I mostly just keep to myself to avoid them anymore . It seems aggressive narcissistic types read quiet spoken people as being ideal targets . Once they find out they won't be screwing with me it seems to pique the worst in them .
This is a great help to me right now! Thank you! Do not let anyone put you down! (Right now, I am moving from abroad to my hime country. I have already got bitter comnents from people who have bever lived abroad nor moved from a country to snother) that my move takes too much tine. That I should avandon my cats, put my things to the tradh and take the fastest plain to go ghere - ecen there is no emergency to them tö need me exactly now. Teo weeks for organickng everythung - too much? Even worse: They think that I ENJOY too much my time here! It is not allowed to enjoy. I decided, thatcactialjy: I ‚ll enjoy every moment as well as I can, even when I do not have even time to eat. I carry things around and that is everything else but fun. I thozght that well: This is now my possibility to learn to hsndke this kind of people. Even more: I can and am allowed to enjoy even this very heavy moving-era in my life, when K must also handle corona-situation and take tests all the time for to ve able to organise anything. What it is away from anyone if I feel good?
I'm an assertive person, I don't get it right everytime. I realise not everyone will accept me and I agree that it can cause allot of problems when people see you in control of your own life. It's lonely having to defend everything but in the end when all truth is exposed you feel proud that you have all your past in check and you stood firm that your in control not everybody else 👒☂️🥀🐝
When I'm assertive, I want to be understood even if the other person does not agree with me. I don't want to change anyone. Even trying to get understanding without agreement is challenging.
I have been assertive to my narc dad, he ignores it at his sole convenience and still tries to bulldoze me. I am not in contact with him for this and other reasons. He's an insecure, immature tyrant!
Thanks a lot, Dr. Carter, the best are the questions we have to ask ourselves about what is our real intention and motivation. If we try to control the outcome we very likely will be disappointed.
True, but ime, it's because our reasonable boundaries threaten them. And we both know that's not how a rational adult behaves. We deserve reciprocity. Stay Strong 💪
Only people who don't know the difference between aggressive and assertive. Females in the workplace deal with this all the time and have to be encouraged to speak up in SAFETY...
It's better than being a doormat (whatever they PRETEND TO think about you). They're just MAD that you're no longer buying into being snuck nto a subservient role over time anymore. GOOD! Now the agitators have to reap what they sow. (But they will play victim all day until the cows never come home again)
@@juliesmith8645 Only people who don't know the difference between assertive and aggressive. I encouraged my female employees to speak up and they did (I'm retired now). It took a lot of courage on their part to speak up but they only garnered more respect in my eyes for doing it. I could not ensure a safe and encouraging workplace without knowing what people have on their minds.
Being righteous anger can solve problems if self contained.assertiveness is good.on your terms when you are fair.if you don't like something that's good not letting go isn't.thanks Mr led.
Thank you for your videos. Helped me a lot I have this at work with two people when one is not around they nice it is when they together one is the assistant manager it can get confusing.
Cool thanks, that clears things up for me. Makes perfect sense. Every time I'm assertive they walk off then it's silent treatment with them walking passed me laughing or smirking only time they'll then speak to me is if they are being rude and demanding. They have this angry face a hard face any other time they are looking at me. Gives me the creeps. Then out of the blue they'll same something nice to me a compliment that throws me as I'm thinking well you've spent the last however long walking around in a grump. Sure enough it's because they want something from me. It's a complete mind fk.
I didn't realize how exhausted I was from being assertive (everything was a negotiation or debate) until after I left. Maybe that is how relationships are as soon as you add another personality into the mix.
From my narcs story which as far as I understood finished with diagnosing me of mental illnesses coz otherwise is you much to solve for what was done to me. They just get it like "Cut the plum tree to save the peach tree", just first need to make sure that you cut the right plum tree and the peach tree you are saving is in fact not a bitches tree. For me I prefer to forget and to walk away and I have no desire to see or to talk to any enablers.
Nothing works. You have to cut your losses and actually make some hard sacrifices and escape. Try not to second guess yourself too much especially when you are challenged by people that you have in relational common with the narcissist. The triangulation activity will be stepped up among other tactics by the narcissist when you finally quit the narcissist. The narcissist will try to ruin every relationship tie you have in common. You will find out who genuinely loves you. No matter what, try to remain loving and patient with relationships in common and do self-examination in those interactions.
My advice to males dealing with a Narc: Some personalities or type B personalities who are non-competitive and didn't play competitive sports growing up as a kid, will not be able to bring to the narcissistic arena a "fighter's mentality" who isn't going to be bullied that easily. Too many men in this day & age are push overs and lack a backbone to stand up for themselves by keeping their emotions in check when adversity strikes. When you are assertive, you state verbally ONE TIME where you stand. If the prick your doing business with doesn't listen and pushes/bullies their agenda onto you then IGNORE them, smile and dismiss them, move along in peace with the first decision you made. Be assertive!! If push comes to shove by the Narc bully raging against me for being assertive, then you have every right to physically defend yourself and I would personally put that Narcissistic prick in a pretzel on the ground with one swift ass upper cut and that Narcissistic bully wouldn't know what hit him (being assertive).
Thanks for describing what assertiveness looks like while letting go of the consequences. What about some pop up from new folks whom I have never in the past asked to be contacted by at all that TOTAL Adblock must have missed? Like when they take the time to remind me that only 'gossip' is more coinage for all of the narcissists. Coincidence or not after a trillion bit coin loss to others not myself too?
You need to understand the difference between assertiveness and emotions working out of unheard feelings. Those are not assertiveness. I had that experience. In most cases families, friends, colleagues, therapists in some cases are enablers. And that rage that a victim has toward narcissist she/he expresses on to enablers who call her/him crazy, shit, irrespinsible, borderline whatever label in exchange. Enablers either do not understand or do not want to get responsibility for their own silliness, irresponsibilities. So finally it all makes no sense. From my experience it is most appropriate just to walk away with out any explanations. And just live your life.
Dr. Carter: In a relationship's it feels like a terrible loss what you think the other person is but you find out they are not that. They've been playing you all along. I mean think about this. And I believe in doing the right thing and correcting myself, having manners and trying to please the other thinking they will jump in and we can have a beautiful thing together. But then they do all these messed up behaviors and I'm there helping them mentally to find it's all a waste of time. This one I found out really doesn't have respect for anyone and I really thought it was just me. They pretend in public but if they are caught off guard I find they will show that behavior. But usually they wait until they get behind closed doors. The little bit of bad behavior that had been slowly oozing out of this man I was thought was just an outburst or a once in a blue moon thing. As time goes on you realize this lune tune doesn't give a crap about anything or anyone. Wow. Sucks to really see otherwise and when you really get the gist. Epiphany. What a crazy zone you are in just because you find out the truth. It's damaging right there big time because you've been had. What a blow to the brain, your self respect and wow they really messed me up. Too bad that I had to suffer that and the emotional and mental abuse that goes along with it. Ok nutso behave and stop acting 10. Stop acting 6. You are really 4 and I know it you Covert mixed up little boy in a mans body portraying like the victim who can't think of anybody but yourself you pathetic piece of crap. Good luck with that Jerk.
Why is asserting yourself so stressful and exhausting? In the process I got accused of everything negative under the sun but at least he’s being nicer to our son. My chest has been aching for days and my sleep is a mess. When does it get easier?
If you are dealing with a true, unteachable narcissist, it does not get better. Emotional detachment may be the safest thing for your heart. I have had chest pains and poor sleep even after moving out. It takes time to release all the toxicity that floods our systems when exposed to the games narcissists play with our reality. I pray you find peace in the storm and for God to protect your child.
Thank you so much for taking the time to help me with your advice. It’s sad that such giving people are here together dealing with all this negativity. I’m working on a theory that I’m pushing back on my fight and flight and in turn it’s pushing back at me. What do you reckon?
Dr. Carter, tried to sign up for the on-line counseling and click your name. You are not listed under L for Les Carter, Dr. Les Carter, Dr. Carter, etc. Spend a few mins to sign up, to no avail. Do they accept SSDI or only certain insurance companies? So frustrating, short of calling the NIMH or the National Suicide Prevention hotline. NO, NOT suicidal, but need to work through a few very deep issues. I know that I need help. That's the first step. I got it. Thought that I would log on to your recommented MH website. 15 mins later... ? You're not on the list, etc. Your take? Kindest regards, love and prayers always to you and yours from your eternal sister in Christ somewhere near Seattle. ⚘🙏❤🙏⚘
Dr Carter, my cousin called and asked how to help her brainwashed brother with maga I'm sorry to write you here but I have so many of your videos and stopped at the first one. Please advise me on where the sister can turn in relation to her far gone brother. Thank you
At first, the person will redouble their behavior. Try harder. Then they will either drop me, sometimes with some sort of parting shot, or we can finally talk.
I think that there are narcs.. not too many, but a few... Are trolling these videos on narcissism... Some rare comment makes me think this... Any thoughts ❓
Assertive/being truevto myself?? What a joke it doesn't help have tried everything.grey rock no attitude silence...the standard response is Shut Up Shut Up. No matter how gently I respond forget it nothing helps. Logic, reason, communication, conversation?? Zero. Unless he talks and I listen. And he's my brother. Living in his house in a new State no way to leave. Never ever has thoughts of suicide overwhelmed me. Isolated on a farm 50km from town without my own transport and too much time to think is making me insane. I've actually begged God to take me. Nothing helps.
When you stop "people pleasing" people aren't pleased.
Somehow, this clears it all up! Not being sarcastic here. This really is a great statement!
spot on !
LoL! So true.
Good for you!
Abusers love to target healthy, assertive people. They want to make “an example” of them to shut down anyone who might even think about challenging them.
Yes! Some bizarre sabotage happened to me as a result. They didn't even have the guts to admit that to me. (How they feigned outrage when I told them exactly how red handed the virtual videotape had them as.)
So true. I was just fired for speaking up in a very minor way.
Wow,how you just said that... makes so much sense in my life, rejected when I'd be articulate..
Just for the sake of discussion, abusers target people who are not assertive. Assertive people have no difficulties expressing their wants and needs, will be prepared to leave the situation calmly without escalation if these are not met. Again, Just my opinion based on my experience.
@@VINOTHKUMAR-fb4ce thank you for sharing this!
My experience has been in a corporate setting and in leadership levels. I’ve witnessed otherwise healthy, high performing people run out of their jobs when a narcissist perceives a threat - which is always. Walking away from a great paying job can be hard to do; I’m learning more about employment law in the hopes of helping others navigate while minimizing (financial) costs.
I love this guy...I could listen to him all day.
Yeah, there's been times I listen to his vids for a couple hrs or so. When I need that extra insight or knowledge. I also listen for a bit, stop n ponder until I feel like I understand n play the talk some more. I take notes. I tell my kids stuff I learn or hear from dr C. Now one of them tunes in for sage advice. But this one on assertiveness is kind of tricky depending on the situation. I'll definitely listen again. Slowwwly.
@@lorinapetranova2607 Your kids are lucky! My mom loved to rave about Dr Phil and I have nothing against that guy, but I'll take Dr Les Carter any day over him.(nothing totally against Dr Phil, but just saying!)
Some days / nights I do lmao
Wish he was the father I never had
@@monmacphee289 Dr C is like a friend or relative from a time we seem to have lost. He's like people from before about 1992. Maybe he's one of those relics known as a Southern Gentleman with distinction. I'm appreciative of the fact he makes time for us out here in el Bizarro world n gives us good healthy advice that's not fictitious. A true Texas Treasure!
Same here 😇🤟❤
For sure - people don't like when someone they're used to manipulating suddenly stands up for themselves! Takes them a while to get used to it at all. (We have to get used to the new us, too). My narc sister will never get used to it, tee hee. I have to re-establish boundaries sometimes but at least she bothers me a lot less often. As for the 'friends' lost, we're all better off. Plenty of fish in the sea in all forms!
Just stay at it. We're all worth being respected.
I have a GOLDEN CHILD EVIL NARC sister too (that I have been NO CONTACT with for 3 years)--and while you can't pick your family, you can pick your friends! As you already know. Watching videos like these have empowered me to finally cut the toxic crap from my life, once and for all. it's not always easy getting out of the maze of torment that you find yourself stuck in, but it's worth the work and time to do for sure. Freedom ONCE AGAIN... FINALLY!!
Melanie McCann Re-establish boundaries! I love that!!
in situations of lack of solidarity among folk, narcissism can flourish relentlessly undetected.
This is the first time I’ve heard what true assertiveness is. To be known & hear myself express my feelings, beliefs etc. To be allowed to feel & believe who I am is enough. And no need to convince the other. You are worth your weight in gold. Thank you 🙏
When I find that I am dealing with a "rager" rather than a listener I immediately end the conversation by politely excusing myself. The "rager" avoids me after that because they wanted to fight and I would not fight with them. The devil loves to ruin our witness by making us act like the rager. My motive when I speak is to share what I know, they don't have to accept it but it may give them some information they didn't have and I listen to them for this purpose too. Loving, kind discussions can help us grow but fighting only leaves everyone beaten and broken without actually hearing the message. I think what helped me was the realization that I didn't need to convince anyone, then I have no frustration when they don't see things my way.
Very nice how I wish you'd come over for brunch, give the lesson you just gave to my sisters & mom ..... I'll come here more often for the support-
Gwen: Good advice. I am to the point of looking at the narcissist squarely in the face when I am being devalued / verbally abused with various assassinations on my character and false accusations. I have started reflecting back what is said to me with a calm voice. I say “ So I hear you saying ……., then I walk away. I do this for 2 reasons: they have an opportunity to take back what they said, ( but they never do), and it confirms to me and them what they said to me. I would not recommend this unless you have fully detached emotionally. Doing this gives me clarity for the times they decide to be fake nice to me. 😩
@@choosepeacetoday I agree with you that looking them right in the face and saying what you need to say, then walking away is good. They may try to follow you and verbally poke some more, this is when it is good to be silent.
Its the atmosphere of exclusion where the narcissist is fight fit. Never dwell there, always confront them .
Some years back when expressing my truth, boundaries, etc someone would try to over ride what I had expressed. I began to use the word "Nevertheless" and then the person knew I wasn't backing down and there wasn't shouting or craziness happening.
My phrase was "Imagine that" they couldn't or wouldn't say a word cause actions speak louder than words- I never said anything before but those 2 words made me feel better- it is sad but glad I now know I'm not crazy- I was surviving being made to think I was crazy- humor is therapy for me👍
@Salty Syren same here🤗🤗
Many see assertiveness as an opportunity for a conflict contest.
Something worth saying for the 10th time: *_YOU SAVED MY LIFE DR. CARTER!!_*
So pleased, Apey. Dr. C
It's more than defending yourself. Assertiveness also discourages abusive people from hurting others.
When I say "No" to my narc dad, he ignores it and steam rolls me. His attitude, his problem.I am not in contact with him!
For me assertiveness is the same thing as establishing healthy boundaries and it is the best way to determine if someone is abusive or not. Narcissist will not like your boundaries but if you are strong enough they will eventually be forced to respect it while healthy people will never critisize or blame you for having boundaries. I personally faced some difficulties after putting boundaries like constant blames, judgements and critisism e.g. "Why are you like that?" But I force myself to remember that if they truly love me for who I am they will never blamed me for having these boundaries and hence it permit me to know that these people are not right for me to begin with. As an ancient codependent it is very difficult to be assertive all the time but I know that it is necessary. If you are assertive and you stick to it till the end, narcissist will eventually be forced to respect it if not, understand that they are not the right match for you.
Assertiveness = hearing me standing up for myself and giving myself permission to be ME regardless if that other person coordinates or not. Thank you Dr. Carter. I will live true to myself.
The more I ignore my narc dad, the better I feel! I am wholly me! Dad ignore my assertiveness and wants obedience, he won't get it.
Assertiveness = Confidence without Arrogance.
Good way to put it. Dr. C
Be brave, don't back down, it's what they want, it's like they've gone for the jungular and removed your voice!
yeah, but my boss has the power and tried to get me fired when I finally stood up to him. I do not suggest your approach in some cases. And they lie to make themselves look better
@@chriswyma145 yeah, I didn't know that.... it takes time to leave these situations. Sadly. In my case I knew I was leaving a job so less to loose when they started lying. Further showed me there was no hope. (not that I needed it but....)
@@EE-zd6xh All of this is so hard to deal with! It’s like a maize to nowhere!
@@EE-zd6xh oh boy, I'll be 60 come Nov. and here comes my Quebec Pension, it's amount is not for the faint of heart, but my daughter who is 25 works on an organic farm and is very well taken care of! 🙋
@@chriswyma145 I've quit or been fired so many times, when I was finally working in my chosen field I was told by my horrible boss to take the forest's survey (I majored in Sylviculture) during hunting season, I quit even though I'd of been paid to be shot at!
So assertiveness is about managing ourselves, not managing others
Exactly. Dr. C
Cant wait for this. Everytime I try to be assertive, somebody gives me the silent treatment and it's so awkward.
@Salty Syren Same with my Mother. I have gone virtually No Contact with all of them and not grieving or fighting it as much. Any contact I have with her sets me back it's so dysfunctional. 🤷♀️. Best wishes 🙏🌹☺️
I used to feel guilty about silent treatment, but then I started to get so tired of this kind of behavior that I don't really care anymore. Standing up for myself is much more important than their childishness
😢
The same with me! 🙄 Even if you learn to be assertive, it's no use when you meet someone not even knowing what the heck assertiveness and real communication mean
@@Noah_z_Ark if theyre going to ignore us anyway then we may as well let them know how wrong they are
If you’re going to be truly assertive, you will have a strong internal locus of control. At this point, it doesn’t matter whether people agree with you or not, as long as they respect your boundaries. If they can’t, then if you’re setting the temperature of your own life, you cut those people loose. Be the thermostat not the thermometer.
Love that. Thermostat!
Yes. If the person is an addict or a true narcissist, your assertiveness can enrage them and put you in danger. You must have support to stand up against these types. Sadly, addicts can be narcissistic without being a true personality disordered person. However, it’s worse when the addict is a narcissist. Confusing. But, true
Yes! Exactly! This is why it's difficult to get some people to put in perspective, and even sometimes take us seriously.
For normal folks, there is a healthy level of narcissism. And people think we're just using "narc" as an insult, so they tune it out.
I hope you have solid backup for your safety, too. Been there.
Just remember, if you need distance to be safe, ya gotta go. You deserve to be safe.
Stay Strong 💪
So too the still codependent ones married to them that are now oh so proud of themselves that they in contrast can hold down a job who often feel the need to cross your boundaries in order to 'gift' you with uncalled for and unsubscribed to advice. Like when calling the nearby hospital when it is not a pandemic and the odd one triage clerk there is acting like a horoscope reader for you based on what all she heard elsewhere instead of telling you what to do about the burn on your skin after spilling hot tea on your belly. While writing comments under this video TOTAL Adblock got rid of 13 Ads for me so I don't have to waste my time.
This is Dr. C's channel that isn't focused on narcissism.
My father. He got "sober" but now he's a sober narcissist.
@@jcsrst Same with my older brother, JCS. He sobered up to become the society ass kisser he always showed beneath the mask. Mr Preachy Preach indeed!
Great advice! 👍
Sadly, some people are dense and just don't get it, or ignor it, blame others, and make excuses while others, deliberately, disrespect your wishes and repeat the exact same thing over again.
Accordingly, I learned late in life, to be selective as to whom I assert myself to, what I say, and how I say it.
If it's someone who is defensive and a continual problem, they're in my rear view mirror. It's the only way, I can keep my peace of mind.
If I had a single person in my day-to-day existence with Dr Carter's wisdom and kindness, I would be a completely different person.
Thanks for this wonderful compliment, Larry. Perhaps you can be that person of wisdom and kindness where you are. I suspect you already are. Dr. C
My motivation would be for siblings to participate in the care of an elderly parent. I don’t want to control them, but I expect them to share in the responsibility. One of them has deliberately created a problematic relationship with this parent to remove the possibility of having to be a caregiver.
Tell them you've seen what's in the parent's will, smile but don't say any more. If nothing else it will bug them to think they've been written out of it.
Thank you Dr Carter. What you shared about appropriate assertiveness is like the saying, ... "Now you know the rest of the story." - Paul Harvey
Absolutely true Dr C! For me, it’s self preservation, knowing I have boundaries & true to myself.
This video brought out an interesting self-discovery. I don't know what assertive looks like. I've connected aggressive, angry, or forceful behaviors with the word assertive. When someone 'asserts' themselves in my experience, it's generally about them getting what they want at my expense. Dr. C., this one left me scratching my head.
Say " I feel..... rather than making a statement because the narc can't deny what you are feeling. They may try to, but nobody else lives inside your skin, only you.
In my assertiveness I want to let them know what they've said or done is wrong and I see it as a form of protection for myself. I never expect the other person to change, but I feel like instead of taking their punches that being assertive is something I can do. Sort of like, do no harm but take no crap. But I'd like to just let it roll. After years of being assertive I feel tired from it and like I'd rather just get away from the person I am needing to be assertive with, and I think I end up feeling like that because they can't change and I can't concern myself with what they're going to say or think. But if it's someone I need to deal with repeatedly, I see being assertive as a way to hopefully stop whatever it is they're doing by showing them they can't be that way with me. They'll change their tactics but sometimes it has helped.
You get it! Dr. C
The problem with assertiveness is that it assumes that the person listening to it cares about how you feel. And that may not be true.
I remember what my bullying mother always said when I told her she was hurting my feelings;
"Your FEELINGS!!!!? Your FEELINGS!!!!? I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS!!!!!"
My dad doesn't care about my feelings, therefore, I am not in contact with him. He won't change and I won't pander to him. I win!
Dad talks at and down to me, not to me; so I don't bother with his nonsense anymore!
Assertiveness is challenging with a narcissist because their MO can be to chronically breach boundaries.
I am not in contact with my narc dad so he cannot "breach my boundaries"!
Dad ignores that I have any boundaries: so, for my own protection: I ignore Dad via no-contact!
My assertiveness was met with over the top rages of his own assertiveness! So, no, and I pretty much wasted my breath and time! Got to point where it was pointless!
It just feels good to finally not be a doormat any longer- mine didn't know a conversation involved both people talking & listening to each other- So grateful for Dr.C🤗
My exact situation. Assert myself and the rage comes out full force. Yelling, screaming, cussing, overtalking , sometimes banging in the walls. Just craziness.
@@chriswyma145 I agree and the more I push back the more out of control the situation became.
same
@@chriswyma145 but they also do it for the opposite reason because you're finally calling their bluff and they're too weak to handle that. So standing on a 100 soap boxes and screaming down to you is the only thing they have left. NO CONTACT is the only way out! (Or low contact if co-parenting or an employer)
All the above- check
Me: (trying to be calm and assertive and respectful while hoping to have the same in return) “Please don’t interrupt me. Let me finish.”
Narc: (literally walks away in response to my respectfully assertive requested for no more interruptions) “Keep talking. I’m listening.” Literally as they walk away!
True story.
Very good topic Dr. C! Had to have a conversation with my husband's teenage daughter - I felt good afterwards and did it in love and emphasized love for her father for us to get along and love for her as well. I appreciate your insight into this subject! I think avoidance is mostly everyone's response to negative behaviors.
Thanks, Janet Sue. Hopefully your stepdaughter can get a head start in learning about these matters. Good for you that you spoke like this with her. Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter you're welcome Dr C! You're channel helps tremendously and she has a serious narc mom, we share that gift 😇
We can't control how others react to our words. But damn it, let those words out- without expectations. It's a hard thing to do. (for me anyway, but I'm gonna work at it) :)
This is exactly what I’ve needed to hear. Life changing for me. I’m going to walk out the front door and go about my day today a different person because of this video. It’s so nice to hear this, Dr. Les... it’s correct and I can tell, I can feel that it is what is true for me. It’s nice to hear it from someone like yourself that understands all you do. It helps me be more receptive ... and decisive...towards my own self in regards to the “pull” I feel within relationship dynamics to be more focused or only focused on others but pretending (unintentionally )I’m about “balance”. It helps me know how to validate my own perception of imbalance and to know how to self-correct. Thank you.
So pleased for you, Lisa. Keep learning, and thanks for having me on your journey with you! Dr. C
The work you give to is here is invaluable yet you gift it to us graciously . Thank you❤️
Thank you Dr C 💓... Can tell you are a truely caring person and thanks again for educating us❗🌹🕊️
I love this advice dr Carter. For the assertiveness to work, we must be true to ourselves and live according to our convictions and self respect, no matter what. This is the way of life we all deserve.
My goal for being assertive is to stand up for myself. I have let people push me down all the time. I've alway put my head down and walked away. That is what I'm trying to change about myself.
I feel like people keep trying to get me to forget about being me. And just do what others want me to do. And how to think.
This is the biggest reason why I keep trying to stand up for myself.
My assertiveness almost got me fired with a narcissist boss, even though it was about another person and a real problem. Oh, and this narcissist lies a lot, but in a sneaky way
I don't think assertiveness works with narcissists, their fragile ego may crack and they get enraged. The best you can do is to keep your distance as much as possible
Yes, assertiveness kind of requires both parties to be self-reflective, and that skill is absent with narcs.
Ime, being fired by a narc can be a real blessing in disguise. Often, a career narc has a rep with other businesses, and the longer you've worked with one, the more you show your adaptability, dedication, and professionalism.
Instead of saying narc, say something like "I'm used to a hi-energy environment" in an interview, and *build* on your value.
Narcs don't live in a vacuum, people know. Just be discreet and confident and move forward.
Good luck on your journey.
@@Noah_z_Ark yes, this was 6 yrs on at the job, and I am planning to leave so less to loose when it went south. DIsappointing but I'm still glad I did it. showed me the full extent of the lies.
•Narc with some influence or power over you is not a safe person to battle wits with. It will exhaust you and create more tension. Not worth it. Find a way out. I’ve tried to do the battle of wits thing against a covert narc- nobody wins and ultimately you’ll lose because of their insatiable ego against you and their need to display power. It’s easy for them to lay waste to you as fodder.
•Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. Strengthen yours with every push against them.
• Echoes, Silence, Patience, Defiance. Do your homework on narc/cluster B abuse.
•Hold firm until you can get out. You will preserve your sanity by trying, understanding, then if all else has failed the situation: LEAVING.
•This is not a game. This is your sanity. Preserve it all all costs. ALL COSTS.
Stating calmly, "You have no right to talk to me like that."
Seeing clearly that you have the freedom and personal dignity to calmly refuse belittling, angry, false statements made to/at/about you.
Detaching from out-of-line, negative emotion directed at you and walking away if the unwholesome and/or threatening treatment does not cease.
Identifying recurring problems to be discussed calmly and directly when/if possible.
Just say "No" to controlling behaviors, being especially alert to the more subtle forms including 'BREADCRUMBING."
Accept the TRUTH of who and what you are dealing with, even when the truth is unpleasant/painful.
"...The Truth will set you free." --JOHN 8:32
I was abandoned on the side of a highway for such calm assertiveness by my partner with no cellphone. It isn't magic with malignant narcissists.
@@joywebster2678 preach ✔🎯
Needed this today, thank you for taking the time to type this. God Bless
Without self- respect there is no true respect for others. Thank you.
Oh! I am waiting to hear this!
TY!
Ricky Nelson's song "Garden Party" lyrics: "You can't please everyone, so you got to please yourself! was spot on!
I feel like this is going to be one of the most useful videos yet! Thanks Dr C!
Thank you for this video! This is es aptly what I've been struggling with. I never thought of the fact that assertiveness was for me.
Certainly when I was younger my being assertive was met by the narcs I know by a renewed sense of revenge for having the nerve to 'oppose' them . There's so many of these people around I mostly just keep to myself to avoid them anymore . It seems aggressive narcissistic types read quiet spoken people as being ideal targets . Once they find out they won't be screwing with me it seems to pique the worst in them .
This is a great help to me right now! Thank you!
Do not let anyone put you down!
(Right now, I am moving from abroad to my hime country. I have already got bitter comnents from people who have bever lived abroad nor moved from a country to snother) that my move takes too much tine. That I should avandon my cats, put my things to the tradh and take the fastest plain to go ghere - ecen there is no emergency to them tö need me exactly now. Teo weeks for organickng everythung - too much? Even worse: They think that I ENJOY too much my time here! It is not allowed to enjoy.
I decided, thatcactialjy: I ‚ll enjoy every moment as well as I can, even when I do not have even time to eat. I carry things around and that is everything else but fun.
I thozght that well: This is now my possibility to learn to hsndke this kind of people. Even more: I can and am allowed to enjoy even this very heavy moving-era in my life, when K must also handle corona-situation and take tests all the time for to ve able to organise anything. What it is away from anyone if I feel good?
I'm an assertive person, I don't get it right everytime. I realise not everyone will accept me and I agree that it can cause allot of problems when people see you in control of your own life. It's lonely having to defend everything but in the end when all truth is exposed you feel proud that you have all your past in check and you stood firm that your in control not everybody else 👒☂️🥀🐝
Thank you Dr Carter your advice is always so easy to follow and understand
Thank you. I love your videos, really a God send.
Thanks so much, Stella! Dr. C
Perfect timing for this video in my life. Thanks.
When I'm assertive, I want to be understood even if the other person does not agree with me. I don't want to change anyone. Even trying to get understanding without agreement is challenging.
I have been assertive to my narc dad, he ignores it at his sole convenience and still tries to bulldoze me. I am not in contact with him for this and other reasons. He's an insecure, immature tyrant!
Thanks a lot, Dr. Carter, the best are the questions we have to ask ourselves about what is our real intention and motivation. If we try to control the outcome we very likely will be disappointed.
Thank you for your support!
Inspiring and confirming, Dr. C!! Thank you! 🌻
Solid, solid advice. Thank you.
Right ▶️ 👍 waiting to hear this!
She does all of those tactics with me down to a T. No common ground or pause in her thoughts or communication (or mostly lack of).
When you have never been assertive. People will judge you as agressive.
True, but ime, it's because our reasonable boundaries threaten them.
And we both know that's not how a rational adult behaves. We deserve reciprocity.
Stay Strong 💪
Only people who don't know the difference between aggressive and assertive. Females in the workplace deal with this all the time and have to be encouraged to speak up in SAFETY...
It's better than being a doormat (whatever they PRETEND TO think about you). They're just MAD that you're no longer buying into being snuck nto a subservient role over time anymore. GOOD! Now the agitators have to reap what they sow. (But they will play victim all day until the cows never come home again)
And they will hate us for it.
@@juliesmith8645 Only people who don't know the difference between assertive and aggressive. I encouraged my female employees to speak up and they did (I'm retired now). It took a lot of courage on their part to speak up but they only garnered more respect in my eyes for doing it. I could not ensure a safe and encouraging workplace without knowing what people have on their minds.
Thank you Dr. !
Being righteous anger can solve problems if self contained.assertiveness is good.on your terms when you are fair.if you don't like something that's good not letting go isn't.thanks Mr led.
Thank you for your videos. Helped me a lot I have this at work with two people when one is not around they nice it is when they together one is the assistant manager it can get confusing.
Tremendous session, THANKS!
Oh like your pretty pictures.. I apologise to commenting so much.. peace and love and blessings to everyone
Thank you so much!
Cool thanks, that clears things up for me. Makes perfect sense. Every time I'm assertive they walk off then it's silent treatment with them walking passed me laughing or smirking only time they'll then speak to me is if they are being rude and demanding. They have this angry face a hard face any other time they are looking at me. Gives me the creeps. Then out of the blue they'll same something nice to me a compliment that throws me as I'm thinking well you've spent the last however long walking around in a grump. Sure enough it's because they want something from me. It's a complete mind fk.
I didn't realize how exhausted I was from being assertive (everything was a negotiation or debate) until after I left. Maybe that is how relationships are as soon as you add another personality into the mix.
Another very helpful video! Thank you 😊
thank you mr. Les!
From my narcs story which as far as I understood finished with diagnosing me of mental illnesses coz otherwise is you much to solve for what was done to me.
They just get it like "Cut the plum tree to save the peach tree", just first need to make sure that you cut the right plum tree and the peach tree you are saving is in fact not a bitches tree.
For me I prefer to forget and to walk away and I have no desire to see or to talk to any enablers.
Nothing works. You have to cut your losses and actually make some hard sacrifices and escape. Try not to second guess yourself too much especially when you are challenged by people that you have in relational common with the narcissist. The triangulation activity will be stepped up among other tactics by the narcissist when you finally quit the narcissist. The narcissist will try to ruin every relationship tie you have in common. You will find out who genuinely loves you. No matter what, try to remain loving and patient with relationships in common and do self-examination in those interactions.
My advice to males dealing with a Narc: Some personalities or type B personalities who are non-competitive and didn't play competitive sports growing up as a kid, will not be able to bring to the narcissistic arena a "fighter's mentality" who isn't going to be bullied that easily. Too many men in this day & age are push overs and lack a backbone to stand up for themselves by keeping their emotions in check when adversity strikes.
When you are assertive, you state verbally ONE TIME where you stand. If the prick your doing business with doesn't listen and pushes/bullies their agenda onto you then IGNORE them, smile and dismiss them, move along in peace with the first decision you made. Be assertive!! If push comes to shove by the Narc bully raging against me for being assertive, then you have every right to physically defend yourself and I would personally put that Narcissistic prick in a pretzel on the ground with one swift ass upper cut and that Narcissistic bully wouldn't know what hit him (being assertive).
...thank you... learning to speak up... need to learn not to 'hinge' SUCCESS of their response
So right!
Awesome insight as always. Memorial Weekend 2021. 👋
Thank u Sir.. Lots of Luvv and Regards😇❤🙏🤗
Love received, with gratitude! Dr. C
Thanks for describing what assertiveness looks like while letting go of the consequences. What about some pop up from new folks whom I have never in the past asked to be contacted by at all that TOTAL Adblock must have missed? Like when they take the time to remind me that only 'gossip' is more coinage for all of the narcissists. Coincidence or not after a trillion bit coin loss to others not myself too?
Great video. I love it!
Im usually trying to defend myself from dominance and not being heard.
You need to understand the difference between assertiveness and emotions working out of unheard feelings.
Those are not assertiveness.
I had that experience. In most cases families, friends, colleagues, therapists in some cases are enablers. And that rage that a victim has toward narcissist she/he expresses on to enablers who call her/him crazy, shit, irrespinsible, borderline whatever label in exchange. Enablers either do not understand or do not want to get responsibility for their own silliness, irresponsibilities.
So finally it all makes no sense.
From my experience it is most appropriate just to walk away with out any explanations. And just live your life.
Dr. Carter:
In a relationship's it feels like a terrible loss what you think the other person is but you find out they are not that. They've been playing you all along. I mean think about this. And I believe in doing the right thing and correcting myself, having manners and trying to please the other thinking they will jump in and we can have a beautiful thing together. But then they do all these messed up behaviors and I'm there helping them mentally to find it's all a waste of time. This one I found out really doesn't have respect for anyone and I really thought it was just me. They pretend in public but if they are caught off guard I find they will show that behavior. But usually they wait until they get behind closed doors. The little bit of bad behavior that had been slowly oozing out of this man I was thought was just an outburst or a once in a blue moon thing. As time goes on you realize this lune tune doesn't give a crap about anything or anyone. Wow. Sucks to
really see otherwise and when you really get the gist. Epiphany. What a crazy zone you are in just because you find out the truth. It's damaging right there big time because you've been had. What a blow to the brain, your self respect and wow they really messed me up. Too bad that I had to suffer that and the emotional and mental abuse that goes along with it. Ok nutso behave and stop acting 10. Stop acting 6. You are really 4 and I know it you Covert mixed up little boy in a mans body portraying like the victim who can't think of anybody but yourself you pathetic piece of crap. Good luck with that Jerk.
I get what you're saying. Some people can truly disappoint. Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter
Yes.
I want some respect. It doesn’t always work, but I feel better because I know I tried.
Most of all, I hope you have self-respect! Dr. C
all people have their breaking points , same goes for the narcissist , although they can only break in like horses.
Your assertiveness will not be helpful with an extremely narcissistic person who is antagonistic.
That's a tough pill to swallow, and denying that reality leads to more enmeshment.
Good point.
True but this YT channel isn't focused on Narcissism. So many are confused about this. It's the OTHER channel on YT that deals with that topic.
@@judyscheiber3661 -
I believe Ed is posting based on his experience. Subject matter, like life, will cross-reference.
Good luck on your journey.
Why is asserting yourself so stressful and exhausting? In the process I got accused of everything negative under the sun but at least he’s being nicer to our son. My chest has been aching for days and my sleep is a mess. When does it get easier?
If you are dealing with a true, unteachable narcissist, it does not get better. Emotional detachment may be the safest thing for your heart. I have had chest pains and poor sleep even after moving out. It takes time to release all the toxicity that floods our systems when exposed to the games narcissists play with our reality. I pray you find peace in the storm and for God to protect your child.
Dont accept abuse, people like that dont change. He will take your health if you let him.
Also, being nicer to your son is manipulation. Been there done that. No contact saved my soul.
Thank you so much for taking the time to help me with your advice. It’s sad that such giving people are here together dealing with all this negativity. I’m working on a theory that I’m pushing back on my fight and flight and in turn it’s pushing back at me. What do you reckon?
How ev1 ❤ Thank you Dr Carter
Narcs turn it up when you stand up to them
My dad can't deal with me when I say no to him, his attitude, his problem. I gave up on his b.s. and him. I feel free!
Personally I think it wise to go into any thing with the attitude that no thing is going to work with most people... Any thoughts ❓🕊️
May I have your advise if assertiveness would work for a physically abusive parent?
Sometimes assertiveness comes in the form of creating distance from that person, knowing words won't make a difference. Dr. C
Dr. Carter, tried to sign up for the on-line counseling and click your name. You are not listed under L for Les Carter, Dr. Les Carter, Dr. Carter, etc.
Spend a few mins to sign up, to no avail.
Do they accept SSDI or only certain insurance companies?
So frustrating, short of calling the NIMH or the National Suicide Prevention hotline.
NO, NOT suicidal, but need to work through a few very deep issues.
I know that I need help. That's the first step. I got it. Thought that I would log on to your recommented MH website. 15 mins later... ?
You're not on the list, etc.
Your take?
Kindest regards, love and prayers always to you and yours from your eternal sister in Christ somewhere near Seattle.
⚘🙏❤🙏⚘
I'm not taking any counseling cases. That is a place I refer people to for counseling. Dr. C
👍
Dr C,
How can you be assertive if they are yelling at you?
Assertiveness does not always include words. Assertiveness can include physically removing yourself in self-preservation. Dr. C
Thank you!! Hey, where's your puppers?
He was probably sleeping on the floor during this one, as opposed to being in my chair. Dr. C
Dr Carter, my cousin called and asked how to help her brainwashed brother with maga I'm sorry to write you here but I have so many of your videos and stopped at the first one. Please advise me on where the sister can turn in relation to her far gone brother. Thank you
At first, the person will redouble their behavior. Try harder. Then they will either drop me, sometimes with some sort of parting shot, or we can finally talk.
I think that there are narcs.. not too many, but a few... Are trolling these videos on narcissism... Some rare comment makes me think this... Any thoughts ❓
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Assertive/being truevto myself?? What a joke it doesn't help have tried everything.grey rock no attitude silence...the standard response is Shut Up Shut Up. No matter how gently I respond forget it nothing helps. Logic, reason, communication, conversation?? Zero. Unless he talks and I listen. And he's my brother. Living in his house in a new State no way to leave. Never ever has thoughts of suicide overwhelmed me. Isolated on a farm 50km from town without my own transport and too much time to think is making me insane. I've actually begged God to take me. Nothing helps.