I don't know if my mother has a disorder or has just traits but this feels so true. We never really had a relationship when I was young because I think I was opposite of what she'd hope for in a child? She never said it explicitly but would often put down my father who people always said I was a splitting image of. I tried hard to think of happy memories I had with her - I'm sure there were -, but I can't seem to recall any. Now she has been quite isolated from the family because of her behaviour and I feel sympathetic towards her so I tried to form a relationship but boy is it difficult. I find myself scrutinising her every word and action to get a sense if its genuine or not, and while she has began listening to me, a part of me can't help but wonder if it's only because my sister, who she was close to growing up, has distanced herself as well. Not seeking for any sympathy or advice, I guess I just wanted to let it out somewhere and perhaps also for others to relate to. Thanks a bunch for making this video Dr. Kim.
That is a really clear differentiator between NPD and BPD I think. I am not officially diagnosed but I would say I would be quite high on the BPD spectrum and I can very much identify with this. I don't need my partner to think I am perfect, I just need to feel that they genuinely love me 'warts and all' because then I know they won't go. I'm also not jealous in a direct sense but if I begin to feel that they regard someone else more positively than me, it sets my anxiety off the clock. I don't have any issue with the other person at all, it's simply the belief that I can't satisfy my partner in some way, which will lead to them abandoning me, emotionally or literally. Thank you for the video.
Thank you for this. I commented once on a video that was about BPD (not your channel). I was trying to explain how it feels to be the child of a person with a personality disorder, how emotionally draining it is, and how I had to limit my exposure to her as an adult. I got backlash from those that were suffering from the disorder, telling me that I was heartless, selfish and without empathy, etc. That's not the case at all. You have been able to explain it so much better than I ever could. Thank you for putting out videos that are specifically for those of us that are healing from that exposure and coping with and trying to keep at least a semblance of a relationship with those that are afflicted with these disorders.
I had parents with high Narcissistic Traits and this video is helpful because I don't feel worthy of love and respect most of the time. Struggling to build up my self-compassion and self-respect. I had the worst day ever. 😢
I love your videos Dr Sage. They are very healing to my soul. I needed them after being traumatized by a Rageful Cluster B Birth Mother for 19 years. That Traumatizing experience affected my Love life and work life for over 35 years. Thank God there is peace in my life today.
Excellent. You have a very soothing way of speaking and amen for hitting everything right on the mark-it actually brings relief. You are very respectful to BPD’ed but also incredibly helpful for this of us who were their children. Thank you!
Thank you dear dr. Sage, this video is so helpfull and full od compassion...My mom is vulnerable narcissist (I foundout it by my self researching at first what is wrong with me and look what I found)...so I don't have to say anything more than that...and healing is sooo hard expecially long lasting "mild" depression that I'm felling since I was 13 years old and now I have 31. exuse my english I'm from Croatia🤗
Thank you very much. I have a bpd mother who never could accept her condition, neither her family or my own brother. My parents are divorce and my dad told me about her condition so i could understand her more. It was hard at the begginer but i finally accept it. I deal with this wound "im bad" and the constant preocupation over others needs and emotions, and the guilt I feel wherever I (mostly inintencional) hurt someone. Its the worst feeling in the word for me. I began my healing process starting terapy, trying to heal my self. Your videos make me understand me more, and be more compasive with my self. I never met any other profesional who could define what i feel so well as you. Thank you Ps: Sorry for my broken english! Its not my native language. Greatings from Argentina!
I love that you don’t demonize the narcissist in your videos. My mom is a vulnerable narc and I will never go contact with her, maybe even when I should, but I understand she has an illness and she isn’t an evil or bad person. She makes me feel stressed and anxious and guilty but I truly don’t think she means to. She honestly feels stressed and anxious herself. The best I can do is remind myself her pain isn’t mine nor my responsibility. Her inability to regulate her own emotions has nothing to do with me. Boundaries are key. It isn’t always easy, but I would feel worse cutting her off and leaving her all alone in the world.
Growing up wondering why you dont feel like you were ever really loved. 😢 i can remeber being about 6 and wondering why i wasnt loved the same as other kids and what was wrong with me to feel this way. No other child that i knew seemed to wonder that, so surely something must be deeply wrong with me. I was loved as long as i walked on eggshells, never felt any feelings other those acceptable to the bpd parent, and appeased them. 😢😮 Thank you for this video. Iti s very affirming.
Another amazing video! Thank you so much for these video Dr.Kim. You bring light to a very dark, hurtful and confusing BPD/NPD raised adult. Your videos put my unexplained feeling into words with validation. I appreciate you and your videos 💓
I wanted to go off your comment on the beginning. I have BPD and i still watch your videos. I want a family and kids and sometimes it is hard to watch because I want a family. But i think it is SO important to remember how we can affect people without treatment. Ive gone from moderate BPD to just having traits of BPD in 7 years. Without looking at feedback from people who have been harmed (unfortunately) by pwBPD/NPD who don't seek betterment, I would fall back.
After more than a year I can say I am very very happy that my ex with BPD discarded me. I know the day will come when she’ll regret her discard. But you know what. I no longer care about what she wants. The new me is: My needs first, than the needs of other persons in my life….😮😊
My mom is a very toxic bpd and NPD woman. Just like you described here im the adult child and she’s punishing me right now bcz from a horrible event from my childhood and the extreme abuse of my family I developed schizophrenia and DID and more besides. Im on such heavy meda that i cant drive and shes mad at me right now bcz of something my brother told her that i told him. Just to get her mad at me. The issue is that my mom is a 70 year old woman whose so toxic my brother and sister still live at home and i moved out at 22 bcz my abusive dad and mom gave me a third psychotic breakdown. I’ve rebuilt my life over the past 18 years since i moved out and went from a group home to finding a low rent beautiful apartment near my parents house. I rely on my family a lot but not as much as i used to. Now as shes punishing me for bringing up something from my past trauma telling my brother who told her to get her mad at me bcz hes a 43 years old toxic man and he’s her golden child were as im the scapegoat and the issues with my mom are she’s always thrown the troubled issues away. Including me. She says I’m her favorite but I’m expected to always take her abuse or suffer the consequences. In the past years I’ve given up almost all my money to help her and my family. But through much help and “with many councilors their is accomplishment”. So I’ve been keeping all my money and taking care of myself is my priority. But im still kinda codependent and my last girlfriend was a narcissist and i almost married her. Until I realized that she cheated on me which destroyed my heart. But nowadays I’m doing better but am still extremely angry at my ex bcz she had her flying monkeys ask me to take her back after she married the pos coward she cheated on me with and he’s abusive to her and their 4 year old son. I refused outright and told her flying monkeys i am disgusted with my ex and i want nothing to do with her ever again!!! I almost made the mistake or marrying a slut narcissist bcz i come from a npd and bpd mom. Im used to abuse and toxic treatment. But I wont forgive betrayal!!! Im glad I have the strength to refuse my ex because I don’t deserve to be with someone I can’t trust ever again. Im breaking away from my family by persuing getting into another relationship after these last five years as covid happened and my idiotic dr took me off 98% of all my meds for 3 years. I see a new dr now and I’m finally getting better. Where Ive been psychotic for years now. But am getting much better with new care and my care team and my ministers helping me get less dependent on my family. Having a bpd and npd mom is hatd especially as ive a form of autism as well as my other conditions. I know that if i can get married it wont necessarily be easier but I’ll be given and getting love and sex!!!😂😂😂
Dr. Kim, do you suppose splitting can be a symptom of CPTSD as well? If so can you talk about that too? I notice i struggle with splitting (the moment someone displays a behavior that triggers or scares me, that i think is "bad", i feel mistrustful of them, i have an unconscious defense that labels them as all bad, so i can protect myself and stay away.) and im not sure that im BPD or if its CPTSD.
You cant trust the good love because you know the bad love is coming
You are brilliant! Thank you.
11:25 "I am not a child. I am no longer powerless." This just gave me strength from a place I had forgotten was inside of me. Thank you 💗🕉
That’s so true- even when my mom isn’t crazy, it scary to receive love: it feels like a trap
I’m so sorry 😢❤
I don't know if my mother has a disorder or has just traits but this feels so true. We never really had a relationship when I was young because I think I was opposite of what she'd hope for in a child? She never said it explicitly but would often put down my father who people always said I was a splitting image of. I tried hard to think of happy memories I had with her - I'm sure there were -, but I can't seem to recall any.
Now she has been quite isolated from the family because of her behaviour and I feel sympathetic towards her so I tried to form a relationship but boy is it difficult. I find myself scrutinising her every word and action to get a sense if its genuine or not, and while she has began listening to me, a part of me can't help but wonder if it's only because my sister, who she was close to growing up, has distanced herself as well.
Not seeking for any sympathy or advice, I guess I just wanted to let it out somewhere and perhaps also for others to relate to.
Thanks a bunch for making this video Dr. Kim.
I have never felt more heard
That is a really clear differentiator between NPD and BPD I think. I am not officially diagnosed but I would say I would be quite high on the BPD spectrum and I can very much identify with this.
I don't need my partner to think I am perfect, I just need to feel that they genuinely love me 'warts and all' because then I know they won't go.
I'm also not jealous in a direct sense but if I begin to feel that they regard someone else more positively than me, it sets my anxiety off the clock. I don't have any issue with the other person at all, it's simply the belief that I can't satisfy my partner in some way, which will lead to them abandoning me, emotionally or literally.
Thank you for the video.
Thank you for this. I commented once on a video that was about BPD (not your channel). I was trying to explain how it feels to be the child of a person with a personality disorder, how emotionally draining it is, and how I had to limit my exposure to her as an adult. I got backlash from those that were suffering from the disorder, telling me that I was heartless, selfish and without empathy, etc. That's not the case at all. You have been able to explain it so much better than I ever could. Thank you for putting out videos that are specifically for those of us that are healing from that exposure and coping with and trying to keep at least a semblance of a relationship with those that are afflicted with these disorders.
I had parents with high Narcissistic Traits and this video is helpful because I don't feel worthy of love and respect most of the time. Struggling to build up my self-compassion and self-respect. I had the worst day ever. 😢
I love your videos Dr Sage. They are very healing to my soul. I needed them after being traumatized by a Rageful Cluster B Birth Mother for 19 years. That Traumatizing experience affected my Love life and work life for over 35 years. Thank God there is peace in my life today.
Excellent. You have a very soothing way of speaking and amen for hitting everything right on the mark-it actually brings relief. You are very respectful to BPD’ed but also incredibly helpful for this of us who were their children. Thank you!
Thank you dear dr. Sage, this video is so helpfull and full od compassion...My mom is vulnerable narcissist (I foundout it by my self researching at first what is wrong with me and look what I found)...so I don't have to say anything more than that...and healing is sooo hard expecially long lasting "mild" depression that I'm felling since I was 13 years old and now I have 31. exuse my english I'm from Croatia🤗
I'm happy to hear it's helpful. Please keep taking very good care of yourself🙏🏻
Every one of these video's feels like you are talking directly to me. I figure at this point I owe you like $5K in therapy bills.
😃Just hope it's helping!!🙏🏻
Kenni Kaye SAME! She is so on the mark! Relief~✨
Thank you very much. I have a bpd mother who never could accept her condition, neither her family or my own brother. My parents are divorce and my dad told me about her condition so i could understand her more. It was hard at the begginer but i finally accept it. I deal with this wound "im bad" and the constant preocupation over others needs and emotions, and the guilt I feel wherever I (mostly inintencional) hurt someone. Its the worst feeling in the word for me. I began my healing process starting terapy, trying to heal my self. Your videos make me understand me more, and be more compasive with my self. I never met any other profesional who could define what i feel so well as you. Thank you
Ps: Sorry for my broken english! Its not my native language. Greatings from Argentina!
💜
I wish you all the best! ♥️
DITTO 🤯
I love that you don’t demonize the narcissist in your videos. My mom is a vulnerable narc and I will never go contact with her, maybe even when I should, but I understand she has an illness and she isn’t an evil or bad person. She makes me feel stressed and anxious and guilty but I truly don’t think she means to. She honestly feels stressed and anxious herself. The best I can do is remind myself her pain isn’t mine nor my responsibility. Her inability to regulate her own emotions has nothing to do with me. Boundaries are key. It isn’t always easy, but I would feel worse cutting her off and leaving her all alone in the world.
Growing up wondering why you dont feel like you were ever really loved. 😢 i can remeber being about 6 and wondering why i wasnt loved the same as other kids and what was wrong with me to feel this way. No other child that i knew seemed to wonder that, so surely something must be deeply wrong with me. I was loved as long as i walked on eggshells, never felt any feelings other those acceptable to the bpd parent, and appeased them. 😢😮
Thank you for this video. Iti s very affirming.
Another amazing video! Thank you so much for these video Dr.Kim. You bring light to a very dark, hurtful and confusing BPD/NPD raised adult. Your videos put my unexplained feeling into words with validation. I appreciate you and your videos 💓
Only realizing that I was a child of God and worthy through Jesus Christ was I able to let go of the anger and have peace.
I wanted to go off your comment on the beginning. I have BPD and i still watch your videos. I want a family and kids and sometimes it is hard to watch because I want a family. But i think it is SO important to remember how we can affect people without treatment. Ive gone from moderate BPD to just having traits of BPD in 7 years. Without looking at feedback from people who have been harmed (unfortunately) by pwBPD/NPD who don't seek betterment, I would fall back.
Very informative video
Thank you
You are doing great work!
Great work :)
Thank you again for watching and commenting! 💕🙏🏻
Wonderful, informative video. Thank you.
Thank you, I really needed this.
After more than a year I can say I am very very happy that my ex with BPD discarded me. I know the day will come when she’ll regret her discard. But you know what. I no longer care about what she wants. The new me is: My needs first, than the needs of other persons in my life….😮😊
This was amazing!!!
My mom is a very toxic bpd and NPD woman. Just like you described here im the adult child and she’s punishing me right now bcz from a horrible event from my childhood and the extreme abuse of my family I developed schizophrenia and DID and more besides. Im on such heavy meda that i cant drive and shes mad at me right now bcz of something my brother told her that i told him. Just to get her mad at me. The issue is that my mom is a 70 year old woman whose so toxic my brother and sister still live at home and i moved out at 22 bcz my abusive dad and mom gave me a third psychotic breakdown. I’ve rebuilt my life over the past 18 years since i moved out and went from a group home to finding a low rent beautiful apartment near my parents house. I rely on my family a lot but not as much as i used to. Now as shes punishing me for bringing up something from my past trauma telling my brother who told her to get her mad at me bcz hes a 43 years old toxic man and he’s her golden child were as im the scapegoat and the issues with my mom are she’s always thrown the troubled issues away. Including me. She says I’m her favorite but I’m expected to always take her abuse or suffer the consequences. In the past years I’ve given up almost all my money to help her and my family. But through much help and “with many councilors their is accomplishment”. So I’ve been keeping all my money and taking care of myself is my priority. But im still kinda codependent and my last girlfriend was a narcissist and i almost married her. Until I realized that she cheated on me which destroyed my heart. But nowadays I’m doing better but am still extremely angry at my ex bcz she had her flying monkeys ask me to take her back after she married the pos coward she cheated on me with and he’s abusive to her and their 4 year old son. I refused outright and told her flying monkeys i am disgusted with my ex and i want nothing to do with her ever again!!! I almost made the mistake or marrying a slut narcissist bcz i come from a npd and bpd mom. Im used to abuse and toxic treatment. But I wont forgive betrayal!!! Im glad I have the strength to refuse my ex because I don’t deserve to be with someone I can’t trust ever again. Im breaking away from my family by persuing getting into another relationship after these last five years as covid happened and my idiotic dr took me off 98% of all my meds for 3 years. I see a new dr now and I’m finally getting better. Where Ive been psychotic for years now. But am getting much better with new care and my care team and my ministers helping me get less dependent on my family. Having a bpd and npd mom is hatd especially as ive a form of autism as well as my other conditions. I know that if i can get married it wont necessarily be easier but I’ll be given and getting love and sex!!!😂😂😂
Thank you!
Dr. Kim, do you suppose splitting can be a symptom of CPTSD as well? If so can you talk about that too?
I notice i struggle with splitting (the moment someone displays a behavior that triggers or scares me, that i think is "bad", i feel mistrustful of them, i have an unconscious defense that labels them as all bad, so i can protect myself and stay away.) and im not sure that im BPD or if its CPTSD.
Hi can you explain the term “trait heavy” at 0:36 please?
I meant parents who have a lot of NPD or BPD traits - even if they don't meet criteria for the full diagnosis:)
Thank you!!
Oh haha I see you already made a video on exactly the topic I suggested lol 👍