This is immensely humbling. Thanks for the reality check. Number 6 - where “you find yourself explaining basic elements of human respect to a full grown man or woman” was so spot on. I think the hardest part is the trauma bond and trying to navigate having a child. It’s a lot easier when you can ignore them but with children you are forced to still have interact…
Exactly!!! Once people are adults, they're old enough to understand without an explanation. They literally already know everything we're saying to them is completely valid and warranted. They know how we feel. They 100% completely understand what we are "trying to explain" to them before we feel the need to explain. Anybody over the age of like 12 knows right from wrong and hurtful from not hurtful.😢😂
When you are healed from your own chidhood wounds you don't play detective, you don't fear if they walk, you don't break your own boundaries on and on. You don't care about them, you move on leaving their dysfunction . ..You have zero capacity and patience for their BS and mind f----ry . It's a wrap❤
Right?! My ex began yelling at me in a restaurant when she asked a couple we were on a double date with about how they viewed our relationship and my friend said “He compromises so much, I think you could compromise in the relationship”. My friends got their check and left when she became unhinged.
@@christianwininger77 At least one good thing about her mask slipping w/ a big public scene is she can't do the public smear campaign and make you look like the crazy one.
@Mel He already well knew what compromise meant. no one is that dumb, but they sure can play dumb. The last few years of my 10 yr ex, he used to play dumb like that. I'd expend all this energy to explain things, try and get my feelings out and he'd play dumb again and pretend he didn't remember, or any litany of excuses. I caught on after awhile. He'd get his look on his face and I learned to recognize it was the, I've heard this all before look, I'm bored w/ it and you, nothing will change, can't wait for you to shut up so i can go back to doing whatever I want.
Yeah explaining the bare minimum and explaining why saying to someone I’m sorry if u feel bad or sorry you are feeling that way. That IS NOT an apology.
It was my fault he had to go on vacation with another woman because how dare I get upset when he made a single mistake (he kept sleep8ng with this woman and going on vacation with her over and over but he apparently didn't want to... 🤣
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Rewriting stories of things they said or promised you. Treats you like you never existed after discard Blames you for everything that went wrong with the relationship after discard Tells you that they want you to help them "be a better person " to get you to stay with them Throws everything they did for you in your face when you don't give them what they want.
In my case, he wanted me to dress frumpy comfortable. He didn't mind if I was in sweat, pants and stuff. He said women shouldn't expose themselves. He liked minimal to no make up. It was ridiculous but I know the person that typed that hes looking at. Is those s***** dressed ones?
Or on that cheating one when you just happen to get on their phone and see the messages. They get p***** at you for breaking their trust. Or you losing trust because you got on their phone? They're more mad at you that you got on their phone than they are upset. For getting caught.
Mine called me vengeful for calling his wife when I found out they were still together and going on vacations.. and sleeping together and and and.. but hey.. I'm evil ... he was just struggling and if I could just understand that after 4 years.. life would be great. If I could just sit down and shut up and live with vis sorry cheating self.. well I couldn't.. apparently she can.. so he can keep being a total dick to her.
Also, with exes be careful with those who are friends with their exes. Friends with benefits people. Be warned. But everything else is spot on. Also, be careful of being sleep deprived (if he says it I missed it)
I agree about their exes. Mine told me don’t make chose between you or him cause he’s been my friend and I’m gonna chose him. Also the sleep deprivation, I would get kicked in my sleep and kneed one time in my buttocks. Crazy how Evil their actions are.
I watched this and he litterally was 28 of 30 of these. And the sad part was.. he knows it! Admitted he lied and manipulated.. Admitted he was with two women.. constantly said he would change.. he had to but then did nothing. He constantly said things like.. if she gave me more attention I wouldn't have to cheat or if you didn't get upset when I cheated I would not have gone on vacation with her.. or... there must be a reason I won't commit to you... he pretended he was doing the work in therapy but always just played the victim. Everything was about him and what he wanted and needed. And he lied about absolutely everything.. even the small stuff.he admitted he was the problem but hey...I was so lucky because I was the love of his life.. he kept saying I saved him... he'd come back over and over while sleeping with and vacationing with another woman. I was bad if a reacted to the abuse.. and he constantly said he wasn't a bad person.. he just had one issue. But we all know this isn't a single issue.. he was unwilling to change.. to compromise.. to try and even understand my feelings.. he didn't care the damage he did.. he guilty me into moving until I did.. he minimized everything I did that took me sacrificing for him. I would never be good enough.. and he would tell me he loved me and not the other woman but he needed her somehow.. we were polar opposite a d he couldn't apparently live without her but he'd say he was better alone...but he was so codependent he couldn't live without her but wouldn't admit it.
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That was really, really useful. I have been struggling so much with wanting to deny his narcissim, maybe just pass it off as being slightly avoidant behaviour but this has helped me confirm it. He has the majority. The thing about having to explain to them about basic human respect or how a relationship should work is spot on too
I really understand that. W/ me at first it wasn't so much wanting to deny, but it's that narcissism videos and tirades against narcissistic abuse and everyone calling themselves victims has become so trendy, and I know everyone's ex can't be one. It gets to be a social contagion, so I really resisted it for that reason. I'm also not qualified to diagnose, but I had learned to recognize it fairly well, because a friend got diagnosed, which made me do months of research to see if it was true. I'd actually quickly spotted it w/ a guy I dated a few months and gotten out largely unscathed, and definitely not in love or any lasting damage. Then I met my ex of 10 years and it all slipped under the radar. The last year and a half of flagrant lying, cheating, gaslighting about the crazy making gaslighting about the lies and cheating some more, and him repeatedly telling me he was just low on empathy made me look into it. It was one of these self aware narcissist vidoes, Lee of Mental Healness that finally gave me that aha moment.
I initially thought maybe they were un avoidant to.. but I was never truly convinced.. this made it sssooo clear that there's no way. He did all of this to such a huge extent.. even admitted all he did was lie and manipulate but constantly played the victim and said he was going to change.. he had to.. he didn't though.. he just found weaker women who would allow him to cheat and lie and who would sit down and shut up
I’ve been studying this for three years after my divorce, and I was a psychology major, and now I’m becoming an expert on con men and women, and it takes so much time in a deep dive into understanding!!! not easy when it’s very insidious
wow, this was the clearest list about narcissists in a relationship i have heard. he almost did every single point you mentioned! he cheated and blamed me for it. one other point: he loves to see how he can make you suffer. i am so happy to got rid of him. narcissists are the most coldhearted, injust, empty human beings on earth. dr. Ramani said: to be in a relationship with a narcissist is like looking in the mirror and there is nothing.
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Yep all of those are my husbands , thanks for all 30 flags because that’s him 💯, and I got to get out of this marriage thank goodness we are separated right now but he has done all of those and has mentally and emotionally abused me
So I left my son’s dad 2/2/17. It’s almost 7yrs. I just now started to attempt to date. Not only am I 37😢 and a single mother, but my son’s dad completely ruined me. First man I tried “date” went nuts and 2nd just scared the hell out of me. Not like with abuse. Idk. So hard to try to move on….. maybe one day.
You aren't alone.. I feel the same. I can't let people near me.. I don't seem to put up with much..and honestly.. I think I'll always be single nowadays I'm a single mom as well. A relationship used to be something I really worked hard towards and for.. I feel like he took the thing that mattered the most to me just to get laid. He's evil..but he will always say he's the good guy.. or he was evil but he's changed.. meanwhile he will sit and lie right to your face. These people don't change and they ruin your life. I didn't know loving someone could ruin my life forever but it has.and other people don't seem to understand.
Mine ate extremely well and properly.. he was very out together from the outside. Made a lot of money.. ate properly.. his place was perfectly clean always.. but he couldn't be a worse partner if he tried. But that's the issue.. he didn't try.
Not for all of the ones I encountered. Some narcissists I met were obsessed with their appearance and didn’t drink alcohol, were on plant based diet or organic foods, or they will try to adjust their diet to my healthy lifestyle to impress me at first but later go back into their own eating habits.
@@alwayspeace898 what has that got to do with the food? A couple of narcissists I dealt with were practicing Christians. One met more supply on a mission trip
OMG, at around 3 minutes! My Narc is trying to hoover me back, since I moved out 2 months ago. He just asked me whether I perhaps still love him, even a little bit. I told him he's asking the wrong question. If he can answer "yes" to the question of whether he loves me, then he should think about what he's done to show it. I said I can't be with someone who doesn't love or respect me. He asks what he can do to prove that he loves me. I said if he can't see how wrong his treatment of me has been, then I can't help him (going on a vacation to France with another woman, for instance!). A brilliant man otherwise, but lordy is he clueless! He actually proposed in couples therapy that we go to France together, the three us us, so I can see that there's nothing between them! It will be great fun, he says. 🙈 The therapist had to scrape her jaw off the floor! The same man called me after his France trip while I was away with two friends and announced, on speakerphone, that he'd just talked with the woman and the two of them had "buried their love" for good! Just like that! My friends had to scrape their jaws off the floor.
How are you doing now, 4 months later? Did you stay strong, or did he come up w/ the right tactic and right words to convince you it would all be different this time? Sounds fairly familiar. My story was different and after 10 years we never made it to therapy, or any self improvement, but he managed to future fake me for the last year. The cognitive dissonance is terrible. Even though you finally see how bad they are, you want to be flattered somehow that they are trying to get you back. Thank goodness I got myself to the point where I was just angry and insulted. When he went back to the mistress half his age and I finally kicked him out, when she does seem to be done w/ him, now I'm better than nothing and his hoovering sounded a fair bit like yours. Bare minimum effort, not even a proclamation of love or missing me. That came a month later when I was insulted at the lacklustre effort. Wasn't even that there was anything he could say or do at that point, it was, well, I think you get it when they seem to assume after being put second and crap treatment for so long, that their mere presence is maybe supposed to make you melt in a puddle and take them back because You Love them so darn much.
@@saintejeannedarc9460 I'm getting stronger each day! And I realize the power is all mine! I still feel anxiety and anger about him sometimes, but mostly indifferent. I'll never go back. It's my turn now to just work on myself. Having a partner of any sort couldn't be further from my mind and that's power too! I'm more and more at peace each day. I wish you strength and power and peace!
@@christinemunger7054 That sounds great. I'm getting to a similar place. His hold over me via the trauma bond is getting much less and indifference and certain wary type of pity is settling in for good. I pray he gets help like Ben and Lee did, but mine seems more hopeless than that. It is as much, if not more for the future people he will end up devastating that I hope this. Not that I would ever want to redeem this relationship.
Exactly! You have to explain basic human decency to a full grown man or woman. I confronted a friend of mine who was sleeping with someone else's husband. She said: "He's the one who made the vows." As if she was innocent. Let's put that in perspective, shall we? What if I never get married in my entire lifetime ... do I have a right to screw over whoever I want, whenever I want, simply because I never vowed not to? NO WAY! It is basic human decency to do unto others, as you want done to you. This is what a narcissist is not capable of. They justify everything ... even the unjustifiable. The original vows before we took God out of everything were not between two people ... they ended with "May no many break apart what God has united." That was an instruction to narcissists ... do not enter offering a shoulder for one, while being a sledgehammer against the other. I'm no longer friends with this person because I, long ago, saw narcissistic traits. She was draining. She gossiped, yet claimed she doesn't talk bad about people. If I called her to vent because I had a bad day, the convo got highjacked and became all about her. And yes, she had a ton of crazy ex stories! Additionally, while I know there are cheaters like Ben used to be ... the ones who intentionally look for what they find, I also know there are those who fell when they met a narcissistic affair partner during a vulnerable time. This female friend I'm talking about did exactly that. I know this guy and his wife were suffering because they lost a child in a car accident. That grief crushed them. That doesn't excuse what he did. No. But there was a lot of stress going on, obvious to the rest of us ... and she just kept messaging him. If anyone objected to why she messaged a married guy so much, she defended it as she cares, she's not doing anything wrong. She literally said: "I have a big heart!" ... Funny, humble people don't announce how kind they are, how respected they are, how sweet they are. But you know who does? Narcissist! Like Ben said in his video NARCISSIST PERFECT PARTNER, which in itself is not about infidelity but he touched on it when he said: "The moment you admit cracks in your marriage, the narcissist is plotting to replace your spouse." Indeed. In the end, let's just remember to treat others as we want to be treated. If only we did that, the world would be a better place ... no more cheating, no more poaching mates, no more abuse ...
She doesn't have self respect or boundaries. How will she feel someday when person like her does same thing with someone she made vows with?. Plus if they do it with you, they will do it to you as well. If you don't know a guy is married it's one thing but there's lots of horrible females that know a man is married and know his wife and still she will be with him.
Thank you Ben so much that you gave me a lot of information like 30 red flags while this is the first time I mean I heard it for the 6 other flags like 10:00 and I have about 30 flags I appreciate you
They use your vulnerabilities to keep you quiet or to make you feel like the shit on their shoe, give nothing to them!!! How dare you be upset when I’m so upset look at what I’ve done I should be more upset 🥲
In my case, he used abusive language, slurs, shouting & tried to argue even when he was at fault. But even if I tried to explain him that what he is doing is hurting me & the relationship, he simply said dont even dare to argue with me. He was allowed to raise his voice but I wasn’t even allowed to say something in a strict tone
I would like to add that this is a spectrum disorder so if your partner does a few of these thing doesn't necessarily mean they are a malignant narcissist. Also some of these traits are very high in borderlines and most cluster B personality disorders.
Thanks, that was 28 out of 30 with my ex, I kept doubting myself, even thinking "is it me?" due to the gasligting, they are so smart, I dunno why I put up with it.
my whole time… couldn’t even spend time with my grandchild without backlash. The only time I had was while he worked the second he got done/ home I had to be revolving around on him. Even had to have the kids ready to immediately greet him when he walked in the door or he’d have a fit.
He is just reading a book written by j mackenzie. U could look up the book yrself, instead of relying on a narc using a victims book to create his narc business. Don't let a narc drive ur vehicle of healing
Thank you, so much. What seemed like a healthy way to live (work, pay bills, compromise, communicate calmly, prioritize, honesty) seemed elusive to "him". How did "he" survive so long without any skills of an adult man? It seemed impossible to me so I just ignored the signs.
I am in awe, im checking the boxes one by one, How did i end up with a narcissist ? How did i not see these things. My bf has so many of these red flags.sigh
He compared me to his stepmom which he said she held the glue together in the family. I did not get it. I did background checks on an app that was sold in 2018, it always blanked out when I put his father in there to search. It was a paid app. I get it now. Becuz I looked up his father a day and a year after the accident. I almost fell over. It was a Monday in January of 2019 and I slept the rest of the day and night. I was so confused. I did not know he was a covert my ex until August of 2020. Thanks to the insurance I had a lawsuit on. They paid someone to tell me when I did Uber.🤡👈🏻 covert narcissist are also called closet narcs. And that is true. Depression is their MASK! 👺
You're a person legitimately looking to the past to see the signs you may (or may not have missed, since they aren't all narcissists just because the relationship turned crap). You can't make a better future w/out delving into the past somewhat. If he's indeed a narcissist and/or things got really toxic, your better future is w/out out him and you need to read those signs to not getting into similar w/ a new person.
I don't think my ex was actually clinical NPD, because she did have some genuine moments of vulnerability & even empathy, & she did TRY to change (unsuccessfully); but man she ticked a lot of these boxes on this check-list, probably only missed 3. My God, I look back at that 3&1/2 years & ask myself: "What WAS that??!!" I am by no means a perfect human being, but she was the only person I've ever met who ended up actually making me WORSE! In the end, I found myself being just as self-centred, dishonest & manipulative as she was, just to survive. Why didn't I leave? What, you think I haven't asked that question of myself about 100 times??! It's that mind-control venom they inject into you - that stuff is potent & has a loooong half-life!!
And boy, oh boy, they're vicious. Nasty. Disgusting words that they use and call you is. Oh, my God, out of this world, like you've never heard it before, at least in my case. He would call me the most vile disgusting things. When he was pisand I'm taking it as projecting that. That's actually how he feels about himself, and he calls me them. When hes mad at anything or anybody, he takes it out on me. He used any excuse to get pissed at me. He has told me before that when he saids all those vicious words he is not really directing it towards me but he is saying it about himself!!! Well wow cuz he calls ALOT of things!!! The newest one i heard and he said recently was he called me a Hoe!!!
Can I ask a question? Not sure if that's cool or not, but wondered how many of these you think the person might have roughly to consider they might be a narcissist?
Question, so someone I let go, but one of thr key things that disturbed me was when he said he used to be more judgmental ans critical of his family when he wasn't doing well in life. I asked him why he said his ego, he supposed. Would that count as a narcissisticred flag? There were other red flags, but this one pushed me over the edge.
Thank you so much for this video. I'm currently going through this but she keeps making me feel like I'm the narcissist but I used to be so understanding and caring but I'm completely losing myself. She gives me silent treatment but then says it's from what shes been through. An example is valentine's day she ghosted me all day and then when I over reacted she blamed me for her drinking because I tried to walk away an apparently I ruined the day even tho I tried to leave for my own piece of mind. Please can someone help me any advice please? I'm in such a bad place atm i dont know how much longer i can cope with everything i feel so depressed. I just dont know how to get out of this. I feel so stuck I'm completely broken! I'm sorry for putting this on here but I'm so desperate for advice and help
Normal to watch these vidoes after? Ive no idea who my ex of 6 years is. Completely switched. Changed over night. I was never the type of partner to go through her phone. I trusted her. She stay at home mom for last 4 years. Ive taken care of everything! She cheated. I took her back. Have no idea why. She left me again for the guy. She said she thinks she love's him. She doesnt know what love is or kmow this mofo. Crazy
They like to study you. Pretend to be caring and helpful so they can learn your weakness and push or trigger you.
This is immensely humbling. Thanks for the reality check. Number 6 - where “you find yourself explaining basic elements of human respect to a full grown man or woman” was so spot on.
I think the hardest part is the trauma bond and trying to navigate having a child. It’s a lot easier when you can ignore them but with children you are forced to still have interact…
"Explaining basic respect to a full grown man or woman" that's what gets me 😒 I'm done doing this.
Exactly!!! Once people are adults, they're old enough to understand without an explanation. They literally already know everything we're saying to them is completely valid and warranted. They know how we feel. They 100% completely understand what we are "trying to explain" to them before we feel the need to explain. Anybody over the age of like 12 knows right from wrong and hurtful from not hurtful.😢😂
Yup, exactly..I had to explain this to my ex narc who is a 45 year old grown man
"They want you to read their mind."
Who wants to wander into the void of insanity and stupidity?
When you are healed from your own chidhood wounds you don't play detective, you don't fear if they walk, you don't break your own boundaries on and on. You don't care about them, you move on leaving their dysfunction . ..You have zero capacity and patience for their BS and mind f----ry . It's a wrap❤
I literally had to explain what ‘compromise’ meant. Ugh.
Right?! My ex began yelling at me in a restaurant when she asked a couple we were on a double date with about how they viewed our relationship and my friend said “He compromises so much, I think you could compromise in the relationship”. My friends got their check and left when she became unhinged.
@@christianwininger77 At least one good thing about her mask slipping w/ a big public scene is she can't do the public smear campaign and make you look like the crazy one.
@Mel He already well knew what compromise meant. no one is that dumb, but they sure can play dumb. The last few years of my 10 yr ex, he used to play dumb like that. I'd expend all this energy to explain things, try and get my feelings out and he'd play dumb again and pretend he didn't remember, or any litany of excuses. I caught on after awhile. He'd get his look on his face and I learned to recognize it was the, I've heard this all before look, I'm bored w/ it and you, nothing will change, can't wait for you to shut up so i can go back to doing whatever I want.
I had to explain what respect was. This is pretty sad, especially when this narcissist was a “Christian” longer than I have been one.
Yeah explaining the bare minimum and explaining why saying to someone I’m sorry if u feel bad or sorry you are feeling that way. That IS NOT an apology.
These all are him through and through.
Yes, #8 is like the narc stabbing you in the heart and blaming you for bleeding.
It was my fault he had to go on vacation with another woman because how dare I get upset when he made a single mistake (he kept sleep8ng with this woman and going on vacation with her over and over but he apparently didn't want to... 🤣
My most recent "relationship" scored 27/30 ohhh boy
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Rewriting stories of things they said or promised you.
Treats you like you never existed after discard
Blames you for everything that went wrong with the relationship after discard
Tells you that they want you to help them "be a better person " to get you to stay with them
Throws everything they did for you in your face when you don't give them what they want.
Mine would say.. you misunderstood.. I didn't mean it that way and often there was no other way to tske it.
You should never have to tell an adult how adults should behave. Cant remember where i read that but a definitely a good phrase to remember.
Jessica, if youre watching this. Acceptance is the first step in changing the behavior. Please get help.
She'll think it describes someone else not her
My understanding is that they don’t watch this sort of video
@@angelalewis4213they might..... but only to learn about narcissism to project onto their victims as a further insidious way of gaslighting
My ex just checked 29 out of 30. 2 weeks no contact and thanks to your videos and app it’s getting a lot easier. Thank you so much !
The 31st red flag, a narcissist likes being with a woman who dresses provocatively so they can look good in front of others, especially other men.
In my case, he wanted me to dress frumpy comfortable. He didn't mind if I was in sweat, pants and stuff. He said women shouldn't expose themselves. He liked minimal to no make up.
It was ridiculous but I know the person that typed that hes looking at. Is those s***** dressed ones?
Or on that cheating one when you just happen to get on their phone and see the messages. They get p***** at you for breaking their trust. Or you losing trust because you got on their phone? They're more mad at you that you got on their phone than they are upset. For getting caught.
Yes until they ready to discard then they text others blatantly in front of you ...
Mine called me vengeful for calling his wife when I found out they were still together and going on vacations.. and sleeping together and and and.. but hey.. I'm evil ... he was just struggling and if I could just understand that after 4 years.. life would be great. If I could just sit down and shut up and live with vis sorry cheating self.. well I couldn't.. apparently she can.. so he can keep being a total dick to her.
“Do as I say not as I do” was literally my dads household rule 😳
Yes! I have done that. Explained how to treat people.
Also, with exes be careful with those who are friends with their exes. Friends with benefits people. Be warned. But everything else is spot on. Also, be careful of being sleep deprived (if he says it I missed it)
I agree about their exes. Mine told me don’t make chose between you or him cause he’s been my friend and I’m gonna chose him. Also the sleep deprivation, I would get kicked in my sleep and kneed one time in my buttocks. Crazy how Evil their actions are.
Pimp
This is spppoott on. The exes! and he never slept
Now that it's over, using this list and looking back, he checked almost every one of these boxes!! Great list!
😮 this is the most precise and concise list I've came across on narc’ red fla. Everything is just spot on!
THank you for watching!
I watched this and he litterally was 28 of 30 of these. And the sad part was.. he knows it! Admitted he lied and manipulated.. Admitted he was with two women.. constantly said he would change.. he had to but then did nothing. He constantly said things like.. if she gave me more attention I wouldn't have to cheat or if you didn't get upset when I cheated I would not have gone on vacation with her.. or... there must be a reason I won't commit to you... he pretended he was doing the work in therapy but always just played the victim. Everything was about him and what he wanted and needed. And he lied about absolutely everything.. even the small stuff.he admitted he was the problem but hey...I was so lucky because I was the love of his life.. he kept saying I saved him... he'd come back over and over while sleeping with and vacationing with another woman. I was bad if a reacted to the abuse.. and he constantly said he wasn't a bad person.. he just had one issue. But we all know this isn't a single issue.. he was unwilling to change.. to compromise.. to try and even understand my feelings.. he didn't care the damage he did.. he guilty me into moving until I did.. he minimized everything I did that took me sacrificing for him. I would never be good enough.. and he would tell me he loved me and not the other woman but he needed her somehow.. we were polar opposite a d he couldn't apparently live without her but he'd say he was better alone...but he was so codependent he couldn't live without her but wouldn't admit it.
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That was really, really useful. I have been struggling so much with wanting to deny his narcissim, maybe just pass it off as being slightly avoidant behaviour but this has helped me confirm it. He has the majority. The thing about having to explain to them about basic human respect or how a relationship should work is spot on too
I really understand that. W/ me at first it wasn't so much wanting to deny, but it's that narcissism videos and tirades against narcissistic abuse and everyone calling themselves victims has become so trendy, and I know everyone's ex can't be one. It gets to be a social contagion, so I really resisted it for that reason. I'm also not qualified to diagnose, but I had learned to recognize it fairly well, because a friend got diagnosed, which made me do months of research to see if it was true. I'd actually quickly spotted it w/ a guy I dated a few months and gotten out largely unscathed, and definitely not in love or any lasting damage. Then I met my ex of 10 years and it all slipped under the radar. The last year and a half of flagrant lying, cheating, gaslighting about the crazy making gaslighting about the lies and cheating some more, and him repeatedly telling me he was just low on empathy made me look into it. It was one of these self aware narcissist vidoes, Lee of Mental Healness that finally gave me that aha moment.
I initially thought maybe they were un avoidant to.. but I was never truly convinced.. this made it sssooo clear that there's no way. He did all of this to such a huge extent.. even admitted all he did was lie and manipulate but constantly played the victim and said he was going to change.. he had to.. he didn't though.. he just found weaker women who would allow him to cheat and lie and who would sit down and shut up
Literally EVERYTHING stated, I have multiple experiences attached to it throughout the 18yrs.
SPOT ON !!!
I’ve been studying this for three years after my divorce, and I was a psychology major, and now I’m becoming an expert on con men and women, and it takes so much time in a deep dive into understanding!!! not easy when it’s very insidious
I honestly can't understand how these people love with themselves. How they don't feel so guilty.. so disgusted with their own behavior
wow, this was the clearest list about narcissists in a relationship i have heard. he almost did every single point you mentioned! he cheated and blamed me for it. one other point: he loves to see how he can make you suffer.
i am so happy to got rid of him. narcissists are the most coldhearted, injust, empty human beings on earth. dr. Ramani said: to be in a relationship with a narcissist is like looking in the mirror and there is nothing.
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Yep all of those are my husbands , thanks for all 30 flags because that’s him 💯, and I got to get out of this marriage thank goodness we are separated right now but he has done all of those and has mentally and emotionally abused me
So I left my son’s dad 2/2/17. It’s almost 7yrs. I just now started to attempt to date. Not only am I 37😢 and a single mother, but my son’s dad completely ruined me. First man I tried “date” went nuts and 2nd just scared the hell out of me. Not like with abuse. Idk. So hard to try to move on….. maybe one day.
You aren't alone.. I feel the same. I can't let people near me.. I don't seem to put up with much..and honestly.. I think I'll always be single nowadays I'm a single mom as well. A relationship used to be something I really worked hard towards and for.. I feel like he took the thing that mattered the most to me just to get laid. He's evil..but he will always say he's the good guy.. or he was evil but he's changed.. meanwhile he will sit and lie right to your face. These people don't change and they ruin your life. I didn't know loving someone could ruin my life forever but it has.and other people don't seem to understand.
All the narcissists I encountered are either drinking or eating a poor diet
Mine ate extremely well and properly.. he was very out together from the outside. Made a lot of money.. ate properly.. his place was perfectly clean always.. but he couldn't be a worse partner if he tried. But that's the issue.. he didn't try.
@@cindysauve5074 that's very scary i thought ppl love themselves are full of love towards others
Not for all of the ones I encountered. Some narcissists I met were obsessed with their appearance and didn’t drink alcohol, were on plant based diet or organic foods, or they will try to adjust their diet to my healthy lifestyle to impress me at first but later go back into their own eating habits.
@@artbygilik just stay away from anyone doesn't love God then I guess
@@alwayspeace898 what has that got to do with the food? A couple of narcissists I dealt with were practicing Christians. One met more supply on a mission trip
OMG, at around 3 minutes! My Narc is trying to hoover me back, since I moved out 2 months ago. He just asked me whether I perhaps still love him, even a little bit. I told him he's asking the wrong question. If he can answer "yes" to the question of whether he loves me, then he should think about what he's done to show it. I said I can't be with someone who doesn't love or respect me. He asks what he can do to prove that he loves me. I said if he can't see how wrong his treatment of me has been, then I can't help him (going on a vacation to France with another woman, for instance!). A brilliant man otherwise, but lordy is he clueless! He actually proposed in couples therapy that we go to France together, the three us us, so I can see that there's nothing between them! It will be great fun, he says. 🙈 The therapist had to scrape her jaw off the floor! The same man called me after his France trip while I was away with two friends and announced, on speakerphone, that he'd just talked with the woman and the two of them had "buried their love" for good! Just like that! My friends had to scrape their jaws off the floor.
How are you doing now, 4 months later? Did you stay strong, or did he come up w/ the right tactic and right words to convince you it would all be different this time? Sounds fairly familiar. My story was different and after 10 years we never made it to therapy, or any self improvement, but he managed to future fake me for the last year. The cognitive dissonance is terrible. Even though you finally see how bad they are, you want to be flattered somehow that they are trying to get you back. Thank goodness I got myself to the point where I was just angry and insulted. When he went back to the mistress half his age and I finally kicked him out, when she does seem to be done w/ him, now I'm better than nothing and his hoovering sounded a fair bit like yours. Bare minimum effort, not even a proclamation of love or missing me. That came a month later when I was insulted at the lacklustre effort. Wasn't even that there was anything he could say or do at that point, it was, well, I think you get it when they seem to assume after being put second and crap treatment for so long, that their mere presence is maybe supposed to make you melt in a puddle and take them back because You Love them so darn much.
@@saintejeannedarc9460 I'm getting stronger each day! And I realize the power is all mine! I still feel anxiety and anger about him sometimes, but mostly indifferent. I'll never go back. It's my turn now to just work on myself. Having a partner of any sort couldn't be further from my mind and that's power too! I'm more and more at peace each day. I wish you strength and power and peace!
@@christinemunger7054 That sounds great. I'm getting to a similar place. His hold over me via the trauma bond is getting much less and indifference and certain wary type of pity is settling in for good. I pray he gets help like Ben and Lee did, but mine seems more hopeless than that. It is as much, if not more for the future people he will end up devastating that I hope this. Not that I would ever want to redeem this relationship.
Exactly! You have to explain basic human decency to a full grown man or woman. I confronted a friend of mine who was sleeping with someone else's husband. She said: "He's the one who made the vows." As if she was innocent.
Let's put that in perspective, shall we? What if I never get married in my entire lifetime ... do I have a right to screw over whoever I want, whenever I want, simply because I never vowed not to? NO WAY! It is basic human decency to do unto others, as you want done to you. This is what a narcissist is not capable of. They justify everything ... even the unjustifiable. The original vows before we took God out of everything were not between two people ... they ended with "May no many break apart what God has united." That was an instruction to narcissists ... do not enter offering a shoulder for one, while being a sledgehammer against the other.
I'm no longer friends with this person because I, long ago, saw narcissistic traits. She was draining. She gossiped, yet claimed she doesn't talk bad about people. If I called her to vent because I had a bad day, the convo got highjacked and became all about her. And yes, she had a ton of crazy ex stories! Additionally, while I know there are cheaters like Ben used to be ... the ones who intentionally look for what they find, I also know there are those who fell when they met a narcissistic affair partner during a vulnerable time. This female friend I'm talking about did exactly that. I know this guy and his wife were suffering because they lost a child in a car accident. That grief crushed them. That doesn't excuse what he did. No. But there was a lot of stress going on, obvious to the rest of us ... and she just kept messaging him. If anyone objected to why she messaged a married guy so much, she defended it as she cares, she's not doing anything wrong. She literally said: "I have a big heart!" ... Funny, humble people don't announce how kind they are, how respected they are, how sweet they are. But you know who does? Narcissist!
Like Ben said in his video NARCISSIST PERFECT PARTNER, which in itself is not about infidelity but he touched on it when he said: "The moment you admit cracks in your marriage, the narcissist is plotting to replace your spouse." Indeed. In the end, let's just remember to treat others as we want to be treated. If only we did that, the world would be a better place ... no more cheating, no more poaching mates, no more abuse ...
She doesn't have self respect or boundaries. How will she feel someday when person like her does same thing with someone she made vows with?. Plus if they do it with you, they will do it to you as well. If you don't know a guy is married it's one thing but there's lots of horrible females that know a man is married and know his wife and still she will be with him.
I had 30 flashbacks because of this video but thanks for sharing this red flags with us
Thank you so mutch. 24 and I know one more have corne in my life why. I have fall for this typ of People. Why why? 💜
Thank you Ben so much that you gave me a lot of information like 30 red flags while this is the first time I mean I heard it for the 6 other flags like 10:00 and I have about 30 flags I appreciate you
They use your vulnerabilities to keep you quiet or to make you feel like the shit on their shoe, give nothing to them!!! How dare you be upset when I’m so upset look at what I’ve done I should be more upset 🥲
In my case, he used abusive language, slurs, shouting & tried to argue even when he was at fault. But even if I tried to explain him that what he is doing is hurting me & the relationship, he simply said dont even dare to argue with me. He was allowed to raise his voice but I wasn’t even allowed to say something in a strict tone
Divorced and free ...and still picking up the pieces.
Congratulations. I am in the process as well... unfortunately we have children so I'll never be free.. turns out it'd a life sentence sometimes.
I would like to add that this is a spectrum disorder so if your partner does a few of these thing doesn't necessarily mean they are a malignant narcissist. Also some of these traits are very high in borderlines and most cluster B personality disorders.
Thanks, that was 28 out of 30 with my ex, I kept doubting myself, even thinking "is it me?" due to the gasligting, they are so smart, I dunno why I put up with it.
my whole time… couldn’t even spend time with my grandchild without backlash. The only time I had was while he worked the second he got done/ home I had to be revolving around on him. Even had to have the kids ready to immediately greet him when he walked in the door or he’d have a fit.
These are actually what ive gone through
This all very true. I have been dealing with a narcissist and this video confirmed everything. He's done 26 out of the 30 from this list.
My ex 29 out of 30. Yikes !! Wish we had all this information before we got involved. Can’t help but feel pity for them.
This video triggered me so hard
Right? Checked every single box...
Everything you said is true in two of my past relationships. This definitely has been my experience. Thank you for sharing this
He is just reading a book written by j mackenzie. U could look up the book yrself, instead of relying on a narc using a victims book to create his narc business. Don't let a narc drive ur vehicle of healing
Yes all of these started off covert. After the devaluing/discard phase they became overt 😮
I like how straight to the point this was!
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Oh wow! I need to listen to this again a few more times, but I would estimate my ex-fiancé exhibited at least 20 of the 30 things you described. 😮😢
Him “Don’t you realize that I get hungry when I’m working outside?” Me: “I’m not your mother. There’s food in the fridge.”
They try to turn you into their mother for real.
I will give you the TWO most obvious TWO RED HORNS IN THEIR HEAD
Thank you, so much. What seemed like a healthy way to live (work, pay bills, compromise, communicate calmly, prioritize, honesty) seemed elusive to "him". How did "he" survive so long without any skills of an adult man? It seemed impossible to me so I just ignored the signs.
Hope this video helps ua-cam.com/video/8NxcjXxVp1U/v-deo.html
Others pick up the bills and responsibilities for them like we did.
Man... this is heartbreaking.
That was great ! I am over him now. But you are really helping us learn more and more about the narcs. Thank you
I am in awe, im checking the boxes one by one, How did i end up with a narcissist ? How did i not see these things. My bf has so many of these red flags.sigh
My X narcissist got upset with me about his Emotional Cheating he said, I was being a Big Baby about it
1,2,3,5,6,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,26,27,28,30.
Thanks for sharing all the red flags!
I haven’t even got through the sociopath next door, but will order than when I’m done with this. Thank you Ben!😊👍🏻
Defo the ex was most out of all, but new guy, not new guy after ex, anymore, also was up there. Thanks to this awareness, I've caught on early. X
I was sad after the betrayal but one time when he saw my glum face he threatened that he
would chase the first person that came along.
SUPER ON POINT. Literally everything you're saying is the whole personality of my ex
He compared me to his stepmom which he said she held the glue together in the family. I did not get it. I did background checks on an app that was sold in 2018, it always blanked out when I put his father in there to search. It was a paid app. I get it now. Becuz I looked up his father a day and a year after the accident. I almost fell over. It was a Monday in January of 2019 and I slept the rest of the day and night. I was so confused. I did not know he was a covert my ex until August of 2020. Thanks to the insurance I had a lawsuit on. They paid someone to tell me when I did Uber.🤡👈🏻 covert narcissist are also called closet narcs. And that is true. Depression is their MASK! 👺
These points are painfully true😢
His new fix approved watching and think it's cool but hurtimg inside lurking 24/7 don't want him
This was so informative thank you.
Literally what I was dealing with for nearly 1 year. I made the final decision last Friday to cut it off and move on with my life.
Number 6 also resonated with me as well
What’s the difference between bringing up the past as an empath who is recognizing the signs they’d missed?
You're a person legitimately looking to the past to see the signs you may (or may not have missed, since they aren't all narcissists just because the relationship turned crap). You can't make a better future w/out delving into the past somewhat. If he's indeed a narcissist and/or things got really toxic, your better future is w/out out him and you need to read those signs to not getting into similar w/ a new person.
Thanks a lot 🤗👍🥰
Excellent post
This was really helpful.
Lol ignoring one red flag is all it takes. First time I broke up with her was because she was perfect. Biggest red flag of all.
I don't think my ex was actually clinical NPD, because she did have some genuine moments of vulnerability & even empathy, & she did TRY to change (unsuccessfully); but man she ticked a lot of these boxes on this check-list, probably only missed 3. My God, I look back at that 3&1/2 years & ask myself: "What WAS that??!!" I am by no means a perfect human being, but she was the only person I've ever met who ended up actually making me WORSE! In the end, I found myself being just as self-centred, dishonest & manipulative as she was, just to survive. Why didn't I leave? What, you think I haven't asked that question of myself about 100 times??! It's that mind-control venom they inject into you - that stuff is potent & has a loooong half-life!!
Man, that is my story as well.
thank you , very educational
Oh my god, every single one happened 😮
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And boy, oh boy, they're vicious. Nasty. Disgusting words that they use and call you is. Oh, my God, out of this world, like you've never heard it before, at least in my case. He would call me the most vile disgusting things. When he was pisand I'm taking it as projecting that. That's actually how he feels about himself, and he calls me them. When hes mad at anything or anybody, he takes it out on me. He used any excuse to get pissed at me. He has told me before that when he saids all those vicious words he is not really directing it towards me but he is saying it about himself!!! Well wow cuz he calls ALOT of things!!! The newest one i heard and he said recently was he called me a Hoe!!!
Can I ask a question? Not sure if that's cool or not, but wondered how many of these you think the person might have roughly to consider they might be a narcissist?
It's best to consult with a professional, or licensed to consider one.
@@RawMotivations thank you!
Yes to all signs. Yikes
Question, so someone I let go, but one of thr key things that disturbed me was when he said he used to be more judgmental ans critical of his family when he wasn't doing well in life. I asked him why he said his ego, he supposed. Would that count as a narcissisticred flag? There were other red flags, but this one pushed me over the edge.
Thank you so much for this video. I'm currently going through this but she keeps making me feel like I'm the narcissist but I used to be so understanding and caring but I'm completely losing myself. She gives me silent treatment but then says it's from what shes been through. An example is valentine's day she ghosted me all day and then when I over reacted she blamed me for her drinking because I tried to walk away an apparently I ruined the day even tho I tried to leave for my own piece of mind. Please can someone help me any advice please? I'm in such a bad place atm i dont know how much longer i can cope with everything i feel so depressed. I just dont know how to get out of this. I feel so stuck I'm completely broken! I'm sorry for putting this on here but I'm so desperate for advice and help
Leave and never look back
Blammo! She had all 30 💯
All 30 bro. ✔️ Damn. I'm screwed he seemed so sweet 13 yes ago
Sociopaths don’t care so they don’t argue at all.🤡👈🏻
Normal to watch these vidoes after? Ive no idea who my ex of 6 years is. Completely switched. Changed over night. I was never the type of partner to go through her phone. I trusted her. She stay at home mom for last 4 years. Ive taken care of everything! She cheated. I took her back. Have no idea why. She left me again for the guy. She said she thinks she love's him. She doesnt know what love is or kmow this mofo. Crazy
😢 yeah 😌 right 👍😔🙄😏😌👍
My X wife has at least 25 of these.
...og hes ALL
30 out of 30…
27
I like your some if your content but you blab without saying much and constantly look away so it’s distracting
Thanks for the feedback
3:09 so true
All 30 bro. ✔️ Damn. I'm screwed he seemed so sweet 13 yes ago