Three minutes in I realized I wasn't paying attention, which reminded me of why I started watching in the first place. I'm a terrible listener. I'll just start the video over now...
Your channel is an absolute gold mine. I am in love with how you organize and present the information. I have always struggled with social skills and the technical, structured, precise formatting of everything you’re teaching us here is just… everything I could ever wish for. God bless your soul.
This really works. Im a hvac technician and I tried this technique . I up my sales from last year. This is how one of my sales went last week Me walking in the house Me:Hello ,I'm here to service your furnace Customer:Yes come in ,excuse the mess in the house. I'm trying to remodel the house. Me: Remodel the house? (Caring voice tone) Customer: Yeah, I'm moving out and thinking about selling it or renting it out.The house was built in the early 1900s. Me:Wow the early 1900s Customer: Yeah the house is very old ,I'm trying to upgrade everything to add value to the house. Me: Sounds like you have alot of hard work to upgrade your house. Customer:Yeah, I just got the floors done . From me using mirrors and labels this is what I found out about the customer in just a 1 minute exchange A)trying to remodel/upgrade house B)house was built in the 1900s C)wants to add value to sell or rent out house D)she just got the floors done so I know she got the money or good credit . Me being a hvac tech I noticed her furnace was very old but it was operating and she didn't have air conditioning. I used the information above to sell her a whole system. Me: Hey, the reason your furnace wasn't working because it was a loose wire. The problem is fixed Customer: Thank you very much Me: And by the way your furnace is really outdated and very inefficient. You should start looking forward to upgrading in the future Customer: Yeah your right, that will probably add value to the house Me:Yes it will add value to the house because you will have a more efficient furnace and it will save on the gas bill. You said that you was going to rent the house out .The type of heating system you have is one of the first thing renters look at.Also I saw you don't have Air conditioning in the house. When you have a high efficient furnace with Air conditioning it will add tremendous value to the house. Customer called back the next day and I got the sell. Guys this stuff really works. I didn't force sell , I didn't lie. I just built a rapport of the customer needs and wants.
Thanks a lot :) Tactical Empathy 1. Effective pauses 2. Minimal Encouragers ( Hmm, Ok, Aha, Yeah..) 3. Mirroring ( Taking a last few words said to you and reflecting that ) 4. Labeling ( naming people's feeling ) 5. Paraphrase ( repeating back in your own words) 6. Summarize ( whole main point ) and, 5 Essential pharses for active / refective listening 1. You are.. 2. It sounds like... 3. It seems like... 4. What I'm hearing is.. 5. You seem to be saying that...
Very cool info. I have a tendency to offer advice without being asked. ☹ It comes from a good place of wanting to help but I can see it being annoying. The pause is extremely challenging. These are great tips. 🤓
Try this 🙂 Man I'm going to seem like the most annoying person you deal with today, and you might think I just can't shut up and listen. Pause... Continue being yourself
People usually don't need advice but they seem like they do. What they needed was a sympathetic listener who encourages them to speak because it releases a huge burden on them. Don't offer advice unless it's asked for. That's what I live by
I do,the same thing...jump in there with ideas of how to help. I learned from another source that giving advice is actually a form of criticism. I sat right up after hearing that. People know what they need to do, they just want to discuss things out loud. They want support. I’m still not good at this, but love what this guy had to say about listening.
2:29 effective pauses (prompt them to continue speaking) 3:27 "minimal encouragers" (let them know you're listening, uh-huh, yeah, yep, mmhmm, etc) 4:24 mirror (repeat what was said in their words) 5:16 label (provide a name or descriptor to what they're saying) 6:27 paraphrase (rephrase what was said in your words) 7:10 summarize (prompt them to add or correct your understanding until the conversation concludes)
I struggle to do all of these, but as I watched this video I was spending most of the time thinking about the people I know that do all these things so naturally. It's really amazing to me that some people are just instinctively good at conversations
I watched this video yesterday as part of my daily continuing education regime. I'm sitting down to enjoy sharing it with my wife because it was sooooo good!
@@HowCommunicationWorks We did, and took some really good notes. I'm working on getting comfortable practicing mirroring and labeling. You helped me understand the greater scope of both, and adding the 4 other aspects to the mix takes the odd repetitive sound out of it. Although, I have noticed that people really don't notice it no matter how obvious you feel like you are being in the process.
Yardmaster's Wealth Education Center It’s important to be sincere. But when you are, people don’t notice. I think one of the biggest barriers people have is the fear that people will notice and think that you’re using some “technique” on them. Thanks again for stopping by.
I'm a good listener, and I've recently found that I apply reflective listening methods without even realizing it; I frequently label people's emotions and also paraphrase, but I've learned today how to use them correctly and efficiently, so I'm hoping to be able to use them even better than before.
May I ask? When you label people's emotion, do you feel scared that you might put a wrong label? I'm interested in doing it but I still have a fear that I would be wrong in labelling and be seen as too intrusive.
Very powerful information. In todays society listening is more important than ever. We are all busy trying to accomplish our goals (business and personal), active listening can shorten the distance in building business relationships making the best use my time and more important help me understand how to better assist the customers we call on in the market-place etc.... Excellent!
Effective communication is a lost art in a world that depends on texting, cell phones and everything but face to face conversations. The three parts of tactical empathy that I use daily is first, effective pauses after open ended questions, including minimul encouragers to continue them engaged and either paraphrase, summarize and or label. Since I read Chris Voss's book, I have been fascinated with communication again.
I completely understand the feedback he received about his use of what he termed minimal encouragers. As he began to advocate for its use as an empathetic listening tool I immediately thought of whenever a person who is supposedly listening to me or someone else speak starts with the hmm, yeah, huh, right, I’ve always found it rudely annoying.
These are all very great techniques and often times I find myself in very long conversations because people do like to talk about themselves. But will you please make a video on how to end a conversation without being awkward? Thank you!
Don't be afraid to hit that summary when the time is right and bring the call to a closure. Provide some "next" event whether it be you sending an email, scheduling a demo, etc - hope that makes sense!
Loved this video. I need to work on pausing longer 🤦🏽♀️ I definitely do most of the other things especially in business. I think pausing long is something I don't realize bc my work environment and school ..I always been around free flowing thoughts and conversations. What can I do to turn it 📴 with my partner. It annoys him
For 17 years, off and on, I employed active listening skills, in fact, all the ones you noted, Chris, which I was taught prior to my association with Helpline, Lovelines and other Christian crisis counseling ministries. Those skills were taught to a handful of us by a great teacher Skip Hunt, the author of "How Can I Help?" After years of listening to so many people with problems, as well as tiring of so many chronic callers who used our free counseling outreach to spill their guts out over and over again always about the same issues and without employing the first decision they agreed to adopt to deal with their feelings, I chose I had enough. At the same time, active listening does help enormously when talking with friends and family who need to confide in someone, but be careful not to allow someone to use you as a personal emotional garbage disposal in a nonstop talkative fashion that is meant only for them to heap onto someone, anyone, their emotional refuge. These folks don't want answers, nor do they want to change in any way, and every time they see you, they will rush to continue their endless diatribe.
Thanks for the great comment. I get exactly what you’re saying. Some people only want “supportive therapy” which means they have no plan or goal to change. They just want a shoulder to cry on or an ear to whine in. What I take from your comment is that reflective listening must be coupled with solid boundaries, especially when dealing with a very potentially needy or dependent population. I’ll have to pick up Skip Hunt’s book, which I have not read.
@@HowCommunicationWorks I have always felt the desperate need for young students, say in their teens, to be required to take a course in active listening. So lost in a raging hormonal wilderness, such an attempt may prove fruitless. At the same time, I see that it would have helped me to not internally own all the actions and words spoken within my own boyhood horror story. That group madness remains today, which would seem to suggest a complete break as a remedy for some families.
I can’t speak for the previous commentor, but I think he might be saying that sometimes family problems and conflicts runs so deep, but the only solution is a kind of temporary separation so that people can cool off, work out their own problems, and come back together at a later date.
I use minimal encouragers. Some people accuse me of being to agreeable because I do this. Think I’ll start trying mirroring or paraphrasing to help me better understand what they are talking about.
I think in your presentation the critics are really in a shared listening space, but if they were the ones talking they wouldn't mind it. I have never been criticized for backchannel cues but when I heard a recording I was very displeased with it. Also the Japanese (when I was an English teacher online for a bit) are so pronounced in this that I thought they might be mocking me at first. But looking at them I could tell it was genuine which blew me away. Also there is a Russian traditional community I frequent and it would be quite impolite to guess their emotions, because this would violate a kind of inner secrecy everyone expects to be kept.
You ask about what reflective listening techniques I use.. I mirror a lot, and paraphrase a lot. I also use a lot of breaks in my conversation, to promote others need to talk. I actively practice these things during most conversations..
I really appreciate this video, I know that I ask questions and then continue to talk, I don’t know why, but I really wanna stop doing that. It has to be very annoying for the other person. I’m making progress just by being intentional about wanting to shift. Why do they not teach this in school? Maybe I just wasn’t paying attention.😂
I would have called it "Tacti-Cool Empathy". Quick and strategic tips for a more effective communication that will improve relationships and are fun to learn. Plus a fun way to differentiate from people who like to throw "tactical" in front of things.
Hello Mr. Lambert. I'm a 21 year NYPD detective. Your points are spot on. One thing I would like to add is what to avoid saying. For example I try very hard to avoid a question that begins with the word "Why." "Why" may have an accusatory or value judgment connotation. "Why did you buy that dress?" sounds as if the person did something wrong.
Detective Velez, thanks so much for your comment. My grandfather was NYPD also from about 1938-1969 and retired as a Deputy Inspector. So I’ll always have a place in my heart for New York City cops. I agree that “why” questions are risky and often unproductive for exactly the reasons you describe. Stay safe out there.
Effective Listening: 1. Open ended question 2. Min encouragers (Aha, mmmm, ahhh, really ? , how come , yeah, yes, that's right .. etc..) 3. Mirroring (Parroting) repeating what the other person is saying. 4. Labelling (Name the personal feelings : So you're feeling x about that) 5. Repeating in your own words and in your understanding. Summarizing: you are using the combination of the last 3 techniques so you're Parroting, paraphrasing, and acknowledging and labelling their feelings.)
powerful...so many presenters speak in abstract terms .. sounds good but hard to remember.. Bruce: silent moment encouragers mirroring labelling paraphrasing summarizing.. 'so'..➡️➡️➡️ that's right
I use backchannel reflection in texts as well 😅😅. Like if some say something i just type hm, oh, really. I feel like to have an organic interaction through text i use emoji and use back channel reflection to express my reaction as accurately as possible, as the saying goes ‘what you read is not what i meant’
When I try mirroring I have been called out on it. I would love to attend a workshop and learn these skills most effectively Definitely going to your site thank you
I’ve had that happen to me too. It takes time to learn to use these techniques so they don’t feel and sound like techniques but instead just sound like the normal flow of a conversation.
IF THESE were uploaded in podcast form, I would relisten there. maybe there you can make longer episodes with examples since you tube content gets consumed best in small videos like this and podcast episodes are usually longer.
It is all based on the same psychology. Chris Voss just packages and delivers it better in general terms. As apposed to motivational interviewing which is directed to motivate people to make small changes in their destructive behaviours e.g alcohol.
@@funkyyyt0wn_316 sorry I was clumsy in how I expressed my thoughts. I meant to say that it is all based on the brain interupts it's surroundings. You and I could write a book on the same thing. One can not copyright the brain. It is just that Chris Voss sells it better.
My family was/is so bad at communication. Their attitude seemed to be that you said what you wanted, no response needed. Trying to get any response from them was like pulling teeth, forget them ever asking anything. The silence after speaking left me feeling embarrassed, self-conscious, irritated, maybe angry. Definitely feel disconnected, no interest, maybe "judged". Relationships were largely superficial, very little of any real depth/sharing or especially emotions.
I had the pause used to try to get more information out of me. People tend to not like awkward silences. I don't like people trying to get more out of me by being silent. I stayed quite.
When I'm in a group of 3 or more, nothing is more annoying than when we're all trying to listen to one person talk and somebody keeps reassuring them that they're listening.
I have found that overusing minimal encouragers, like noding along or saying "yes", can result in the other person thinking that I agree with their statements, when that might not actually be the case. It can be slightly more beneficial to lean my head to the side slightly, as a nonverbal que, or say "okay" as an encourager. However, it's still something most of us could probably do less of.
Good observation. How about “I see” or “uh huh” or just “mmmm”. These are more non-committal but still signal that we are paying attention. When I’m doing large group training, I have a tendency to say “yes” very frequently when audience members make comments. I once got an evaluation that said how annoying this habit was! So I’ve tried to do it less. Thanks for your comment.
Two questions; - How is the average person supposed to stop themselves from reacting to someone's thoughts and stories with their own biases or getting caught up in some kind of defensiveness or one-upmanship? - Is there like a physical limiting factor for this active listening? Something like a mental stamina of sorts. Being stuck in a mode where you can't self disclose seems like it would wear people down.
Self discipline. This video is about listening. So, you are disciplining yourself to hear what another person is saying and then supporting them through the six techniques.
Here is my favorite combination : complete silent 💯 focus on what the person is telling me with full awareness on listening rather than using that silent moment to think about what I am going to say next. I have now master this technique to the point sometimes I have nothing to say at the end. Maybe just a wow.... or another short filler. It works. Try it.
what if you apply all those techniques and actually love hearing, chatting and converse with others but certain persons don't speak along with you (for many possible reasons: they may not like you, they may have prejudices against you, they are short of words people, they are shy or simply they are not interested in resonate with you because they feel they don't have common liked topics with you); should I keep asking to them: "...c'mon tell me what you'd like to talk o express because I'd love hearing you..."? I think that'd feel awkward and bothering for both of the "conversationalists" hence I'd just keep my mouth shut and I'd walk away: some people want to hear but some people don't want to be heard not even feel like speaking with you at all. What's your take on situations like that, what should I'd do in cases like those?
@@HowCommunicationWorks Thank you a lot for your reply, your reflective listening skills video and your whole YT channel: I appreciate this great knowledge which helps us a lot for everyday practical human life.
Everything in moderation... Labeling emotions can be a pitfall for some. A friend I have is on the spectrum and is constantly labeling emotions (incorrectly) mid conversation. She also uses the gentle encouragers like whack-a-mole. 😂
This one will crack you up: I noticed that I tend to interrupt people while they talk. So, I made myself a rule that I'd wait 3 seconds to respond. The result? They rush to fill the gap, and I never get a chance to talk. Ya gotta laff...
Be careful with mirroring. I knew someone who would repeat the last sentence of everything I said. It was not effective. It was not effective. It was weird. It was weird. Also, I have noticed that backchanneling is so natural, that the absence of it, speaks volumes. I noticed when I am talking with people I don't mesh with, or that I might be slightly annoyed with, I don't do it as often, and sometimes, if I am down right angry , will not at all.
Sometimes just listening 👂 without speaking is really helpful. Positive body language towards the person you are engaged in conversation with. If you do labeling too much, you are actually overstepping the other persons personal boundaries. Keep that in mind, because in real life you might come across as a creep.
I am in the international business since several years and know what I learnt? LISTENING is by far the most effective skill to be developed but often the least acquired
![How to Listen Without Arguing [Acknowledgement is not Agreement]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/nrfjPr4xsIU/mqdefault.jpg)
Three minutes in I realized I wasn't paying attention, which reminded me of why I started watching in the first place. I'm a terrible listener. I'll just start the video over now...
Funny. But true. Never to late to learn to listen!
The fact that your aware of it means your moving in the right direction
@@HowCommunicationWorks excuse me, did you ever know any female gymnasts personally?
Try Meditation daily... this helps with Focusing
check for ADHD, maybe your mind is legit distracted
Your channel is an absolute gold mine. I am in love with how you organize and present the information. I have always struggled with social skills and the technical, structured, precise formatting of everything you’re teaching us here is just… everything I could ever wish for. God bless your soul.
Thanks Karl.
This really works. Im a hvac technician and I tried this technique . I up my sales from last year. This is how one of my sales went last week
Me walking in the house
Me:Hello ,I'm here to service your furnace
Customer:Yes come in ,excuse the mess in the house. I'm trying to remodel the house.
Me: Remodel the house? (Caring voice tone)
Customer: Yeah, I'm moving out and thinking about selling it or renting it out.The house was built in the early 1900s.
Me:Wow the early 1900s
Customer: Yeah the house is very old ,I'm trying to upgrade everything to add value to the house.
Me: Sounds like you have alot of hard work to upgrade your house.
Customer:Yeah, I just got the floors done .
From me using mirrors and labels this is what I found out about the customer in just a 1 minute exchange
A)trying to remodel/upgrade house
B)house was built in the 1900s
C)wants to add value to sell or rent out house
D)she just got the floors done so I know she got the money or good credit .
Me being a hvac tech I noticed her furnace was very old but it was operating and she didn't have air conditioning. I used the information above to sell her a whole system.
Me: Hey, the reason your furnace wasn't working because it was a loose wire. The problem is fixed
Customer: Thank you very much
Me: And by the way your furnace is really outdated and very inefficient. You should start looking forward to upgrading in the future
Customer: Yeah your right, that will probably add value to the house
Me:Yes it will add value to the house because you will have a more efficient furnace and it will save on the gas bill. You said that you was going to rent the house out .The type of heating system you have is one of the first thing renters look at.Also I saw you don't have Air conditioning in the house. When you have a high efficient furnace with Air conditioning it will add tremendous value to the house.
Customer called back the next day and I got the sell. Guys this stuff really works. I didn't force sell , I didn't lie. I just built a rapport of the customer needs and wants.
Thank you for this great example.
Thanks a lot :)
Tactical Empathy
1. Effective pauses
2. Minimal Encouragers ( Hmm, Ok, Aha, Yeah..)
3. Mirroring ( Taking a last few words said to you and reflecting that )
4. Labeling ( naming people's feeling )
5. Paraphrase ( repeating back in your own words)
6. Summarize ( whole main point )
and,
5 Essential pharses for active / refective listening
1. You are..
2. It sounds like...
3. It seems like...
4. What I'm hearing is..
5. You seem to be saying that...
I got the book by Criss Voss Never split the difference and I gotta tell you everything your saying is spot on. Thanks for sharing
Love that book also.
excuse me, did you ever know any female gymnasts personally?
@@mylesthomasandfriends838 gymnasts personality
2:00
8:40 6 Techs
Open Ended Q + Pause 2:30
Min Encourager 3:30
Mirror 4:24
Label 5:21
Paraphrase
Summary
Thanks man🌸🌸
Thank you!
Very cool info. I have a tendency to offer advice without being asked. ☹ It comes from a good place of wanting to help but I can see it being annoying. The pause is extremely challenging. These are great tips. 🤓
Yes, it’s totally natural to want to go into advice giving mode.
Try this 🙂
Man I'm going to seem like the most annoying person you deal with today, and you might think I just can't shut up and listen.
Pause...
Continue being yourself
People usually don't need advice but they seem like they do. What they needed was a sympathetic listener who encourages them to speak because it releases a huge burden on them. Don't offer advice unless it's asked for. That's what I live by
excuse me, did you ever know any female gymnasts personally?
I do,the same thing...jump in there with ideas of how to help. I learned from another source that giving advice is actually a form of criticism. I sat right up after hearing that. People know what they need to do, they just want to discuss things out loud. They want support. I’m still not good at this, but love what this guy had to say about listening.
I'm a new grad student in Counseling Theory and wasn't clear on "reflective listening" and this was really helpful. Thank you!
You’re welcome. I’d be grateful if you would consider sharing my channel with your classmates.
2:29 effective pauses (prompt them to continue speaking)
3:27 "minimal encouragers" (let them know you're listening, uh-huh, yeah, yep, mmhmm, etc)
4:24 mirror (repeat what was said in their words)
5:16 label (provide a name or descriptor to what they're saying)
6:27 paraphrase (rephrase what was said in your words)
7:10 summarize (prompt them to add or correct your understanding until the conversation concludes)
Thank you for the time stamps! i watch the whole video and then I like to use time stamps
Thanks man 🌸🌸
Thaank youuu! 😃
This was excellent to learn, really appreciate this Bruce
excuse me, did you ever know any female gymnasts personally?
I struggle to do all of these, but as I watched this video I was spending most of the time thinking about the people I know that do all these things so naturally. It's really amazing to me that some people are just instinctively good at conversations
I watched this video yesterday as part of my daily continuing education regime. I'm sitting down to enjoy sharing it with my wife because it was sooooo good!
Thank you. Glad you and your wife liked it.
@@HowCommunicationWorks We did, and took some really good notes. I'm working on getting comfortable practicing mirroring and labeling. You helped me understand the greater scope of both, and adding the 4 other aspects to the mix takes the odd repetitive sound out of it. Although, I have noticed that people really don't notice it no matter how obvious you feel like you are being in the process.
Yardmaster's Wealth Education Center It’s important to be sincere. But when you are, people don’t notice. I think one of the biggest barriers people have is the fear that people will notice and think that you’re using some “technique” on them. Thanks again for stopping by.
@@HowCommunicationWorks You are most welcome friend!
I'm a good listener, and I've recently found that I apply reflective listening methods without even realizing it; I frequently label people's emotions and also paraphrase, but I've learned today how to use them correctly and efficiently, so I'm hoping to be able to use them even better than before.
May I ask? When you label people's emotion, do you feel scared that you might put a wrong label? I'm interested in doing it but I still have a fear that I would be wrong in labelling and be seen as too intrusive.
People will just correct you. Not a big deal. Than you’re off and running in a discussion of emotions, which is what you want.
I'm a real estate investor constantly in negotiations, keep these negotiation videos COMING!
excuse me, did you ever know any female gymnasts personally?
This video saved me like 90$ and 3 days from a masterclass, THANK YOU SO MUCH!
excuse me, did you ever know any female gymnasts personally?
Very powerful information. In todays society listening is more important than ever. We are all busy trying to accomplish our goals (business and personal), active listening can shorten the distance in building business relationships making the best use my time and more important help me understand how to better assist the customers we call on in the market-place etc....
Excellent!
Couldn’t agree more, Edsel.
Incredibly concise and insightful.
Effective communication is a lost art in a world that depends on texting, cell phones and everything but face to face conversations. The three parts of tactical empathy that I use daily is first, effective pauses after open ended questions, including minimul encouragers to continue them engaged and either paraphrase, summarize and or label. Since I read Chris Voss's book, I have been fascinated with communication again.
Good for you!
excuse me, did you ever know any female gymnasts personally?
I needed to read this! Going to through a bad separation due to a lack of listening skills on both ends. Which Chris Voss book should I start with?
These are a great way to help consult with individuals and find a solution for them in sales. Thank you for sharing
I completely understand the feedback he received about his use of what he termed minimal encouragers. As he began to advocate for its use as an empathetic listening tool I immediately thought of whenever a person who is supposedly listening to me or someone else speak starts with the hmm, yeah, huh, right, I’ve always found it rudely annoying.
I need to work on my listening skills. That's the end of my sentence. I found this video helpful, thanks.
Awesome summary. Concise, to the point, thank you
Thanks you so much for the overview. It's actually fun to practice these techniques at work!
You’re most welcome.
excuse me, did you ever know any female gymnasts personally?
superb its short and its useful in my company tcs learning portal they mandated this video to see as part of articulation improvement
Wonderful distillation!
Thank you!
These are all very great techniques and often times I find myself in very long conversations because people do like to talk about themselves. But will you please make a video on how to end a conversation without being awkward?
Thank you!
Don't be afraid to hit that summary when the time is right and bring the call to a closure. Provide some "next" event whether it be you sending an email, scheduling a demo, etc - hope that makes sense!
True. Tried this with a girl I met online. She couldn't stop talking
Thank you Bruce .
Thank you so much 🥰
Excellent advice
Loved this video. I need to work on pausing longer 🤦🏽♀️ I definitely do most of the other things especially in business. I think pausing long is something I don't realize bc my work environment and school ..I always been around free flowing thoughts and conversations. What can I do to turn it 📴 with my partner. It annoys him
Labelling , mirroring , head nodding . These techniques I tend to use lately . And I’ve found them very easy to use and extremely useful
excuse me, did you ever know any female gymnasts personally?
Thanks for the info 🙏🏾
For 17 years, off and on, I employed active listening skills, in fact, all the ones you noted, Chris, which I was taught prior to my association with Helpline, Lovelines and other Christian crisis counseling ministries. Those skills were taught to a handful of us by a great teacher Skip Hunt, the author of "How Can I Help?"
After years of listening to so many people with problems, as well as tiring of so many chronic callers who used our free counseling outreach to spill their guts out over and over again always about the same issues and without employing the first decision they agreed to adopt to deal with their feelings, I chose I had enough.
At the same time, active listening does help enormously when talking with friends and family who need to confide in someone, but be careful not to allow someone to use you as a personal emotional garbage disposal in a nonstop talkative fashion that is meant only for them to heap onto someone, anyone, their emotional refuge. These folks don't want answers, nor do they want to change in any way, and every time they see you, they will rush to continue their endless diatribe.
Thanks for the great comment. I get exactly what you’re saying. Some people only want “supportive therapy” which means they have no plan or goal to change. They just want a shoulder to cry on or an ear to whine in.
What I take from your comment is that reflective listening must be coupled with solid boundaries, especially when dealing with a very potentially needy or dependent population. I’ll have to pick up Skip Hunt’s book, which I have not read.
@@HowCommunicationWorks I have always felt the desperate need for young students, say in their teens, to be required to take a course in active listening. So lost in a raging hormonal wilderness, such an attempt may prove fruitless. At the same time, I see that it would have helped me to not internally own all the actions and words spoken within my own boyhood horror story. That group madness remains today, which would seem to suggest a complete break as a remedy for some families.
I can’t speak for the previous commentor, but I think he might be saying that sometimes family problems and conflicts runs so deep, but the only solution is a kind of temporary separation so that people can cool off, work out their own problems, and come back together at a later date.
Awesome channel. Thanks for teaching the art of listening.
My pleasure!
excuse me, did you ever know any female gymnasts personally?
I use minimal encouragers. Some people accuse me of being to agreeable because I do this. Think I’ll start trying mirroring or paraphrasing to help me better understand what they are talking about.
Another word I use to encourage the conversation, I would say "really"!
You are very good at summarizing , I’m reading never Split the difference and you are helping a lot . You got a new subscriber 👍 happy 2020
Thank you.
I think in your presentation the critics are really in a shared listening space, but if they were the ones talking they wouldn't mind it. I have never been criticized for backchannel cues but when I heard a recording I was very displeased with it.
Also the Japanese (when I was an English teacher online for a bit) are so pronounced in this that I thought they might be mocking me at first. But looking at them I could tell it was genuine which blew me away.
Also there is a Russian traditional community I frequent and it would be quite impolite to guess their emotions, because this would violate a kind of inner secrecy everyone expects to be kept.
Aw I'm sad to hear someone called you annoying when you can't help but say yeah yeah
very helpful ..thanks
A very great share! 🕛 2 Take Action 🚩
You ask about what reflective listening techniques I use.. I mirror a lot, and paraphrase a lot. I also use a lot of breaks in my conversation, to promote others need to talk.
I actively practice these things during most conversations..
Love that!
Excellent Sir... I am trying to be a Empathetic Listener......
Thank you for a great and thorough video. Your LUNOR Eyeglasses fit great, btw.
Good eye for eyewear!! Thanks.
I really appreciate this video, I know that I ask questions and then continue to talk, I don’t know why, but I really wanna stop doing that. It has to be very annoying for the other person. I’m making progress just by being intentional about wanting to shift. Why do they not teach this in school? Maybe I just wasn’t paying attention.😂
I would have called it "Tacti-Cool Empathy". Quick and strategic tips for a more effective communication that will improve relationships and are fun to learn. Plus a fun way to differentiate from people who like to throw "tactical" in front of things.
good one
Hello Mr. Lambert. I'm a 21 year NYPD detective. Your points are spot on. One thing I would like to add is what to avoid saying. For example I try very hard to avoid a question that begins with the word "Why." "Why" may have an accusatory or value judgment connotation. "Why did you buy that dress?" sounds as if the person did something wrong.
Detective Velez, thanks so much for your comment. My grandfather was NYPD also from about 1938-1969 and retired as a Deputy Inspector. So I’ll always have a place in my heart for New York City cops. I agree that “why” questions are risky and often unproductive for exactly the reasons you describe. Stay safe out there.
Effective Listening:
1. Open ended question
2. Min encouragers (Aha, mmmm, ahhh, really ? , how come , yeah, yes, that's right .. etc..)
3. Mirroring (Parroting) repeating what the other person is saying.
4. Labelling (Name the personal feelings : So you're feeling x about that)
5. Repeating in your own words and in your understanding.
Summarizing: you are using the combination of the last 3 techniques so you're Parroting, paraphrasing, and acknowledging and labelling their feelings.)
Thank you. Gold.
Thank you, Sue! So glad you found it to be worthwhile. These techniques really work. I hope you give them a try.
Very particular set of skills 🍀
excuse me, did you ever know any female gymnasts personally?
powerful...so many presenters speak in abstract terms .. sounds good but hard to remember..
Bruce:
silent moment
encouragers
mirroring
labelling
paraphrasing
summarizing.. 'so'..➡️➡️➡️ that's right
Master of summarizing! 😎
excuse me, did you ever know any female gymnasts personally?
You seem exciting to teach these techniques to people.
excuse me, did you ever know any female gymnasts personally?
Thanks so much I’m studying up for assessments for crisis calls and this was a great revision thanks
excuse me, did you ever know any female gymnasts personally?
I use backchannel reflection in texts as well 😅😅. Like if some say something i just type hm, oh, really. I feel like to have an organic interaction through text i use emoji and use back channel reflection to express my reaction as accurately as possible, as the saying goes ‘what you read is not what i meant’
COMMUNICATION GOLD!!!!
Sounds great
Dude, I just got Chris's audiobook and you wrapped it up in less than ten minutes! I don't know if that's rad or depressing.
excuse me, did you ever know any female gymnasts personally?
When I try mirroring I have been called out on it. I would love to attend a workshop and learn these skills most effectively Definitely going to your site thank you
I’ve had that happen to me too. It takes time to learn to use these techniques so they don’t feel and sound like techniques but instead just sound like the normal flow of a conversation.
excuse me, did you ever know any female gymnasts personally?
I find mirroring annoying… summarizing is good and labeling feelings but… its like “yea. I just said that
IF THESE were uploaded in podcast form, I would relisten there. maybe there you can make longer episodes with examples since you tube content gets consumed best in small videos like this and podcast episodes are usually longer.
excuse me, did you ever know any female gymnasts personally?
Myles Thomas and friends stop
It is all based on the same psychology. Chris Voss just packages and delivers it better in general terms. As apposed to motivational interviewing which is directed to motivate people to make small changes in their destructive behaviours e.g alcohol.
excuse me, did you ever know any female gymnasts personally?
Psychology is psychology.
@@funkyyyt0wn_316 sorry I was clumsy in how I expressed my thoughts. I meant to say that it is all based on the brain interupts it's surroundings. You and I could write a book on the same thing. One can not copyright the brain. It is just that Chris Voss sells it better.
@@mylesthomasandfriends838 ?
This is a great method when I practiced it in my work, it has an extraordinary impact on my relationship.
I tend to naturally summarise what people say, just to double check I have actually understood them
My family was/is so bad at communication. Their attitude seemed to be that you said what you wanted, no response needed. Trying to get any response from them was like pulling teeth, forget them ever asking anything. The silence after speaking left me feeling embarrassed, self-conscious, irritated, maybe angry. Definitely feel disconnected, no interest, maybe "judged". Relationships were largely superficial, very little of any real depth/sharing or especially emotions.
Thank you for sharing these helpful reflective listening skills.
It’s my pleasure Tana. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
excuse me, did you ever know any female gymnasts personally?
I had the pause used to try to get more information out of me. People tend to not like awkward silences. I don't like people trying to get more out of me by being silent. I stayed quite.
thanks
You are a great speaker, even i don't speak well english!
excuse me, did you ever know any female gymnasts personally?
When I'm in a group of 3 or more, nothing is more annoying than when we're all trying to listen to one person talk and somebody keeps reassuring them that they're listening.
You mean they use one of these techniques, and it disrupts the flow of the conversation? What’s an example?
Content enjoyed.
Excellent
excuse me, did you ever know any female gymnasts personally?
I need to use more pauses in my small talks. Guilty of not giving enough opportunities to air their own opinions. Hmm thank you Chris.
Really clear and concise, thank you!!
excuse me, did you ever know any female gymnasts personally?
Thank you ! Very helpful
You're welcome. Thanks for stopping by to comment.
Great video! Thank you.
You are most welcome.
excuse me, did you ever know any female gymnasts personally?
In Japanese, back channel cues are super important. They are called aizuchi. If you don’t use them everything will grind to a halt.
Cool.
I think Chris Voss wants u to say " you're right"...nope I'm wrong. It is THAT'S RIGHT.
I have found that overusing minimal encouragers, like noding along or saying "yes", can result in the other person thinking that I agree with their statements, when that might not actually be the case.
It can be slightly more beneficial to lean my head to the side slightly, as a nonverbal que, or say "okay" as an encourager.
However, it's still something most of us could probably do less of.
Good observation. How about “I see” or “uh huh” or just “mmmm”. These are more non-committal but still signal that we are paying attention. When I’m doing large group training, I have a tendency to say “yes” very frequently when audience members make comments. I once got an evaluation that said how annoying this habit was! So I’ve tried to do it less. Thanks for your comment.
very informative
Thank you.
Two questions;
- How is the average person supposed to stop themselves from reacting to someone's thoughts and stories with their own biases or getting caught up in some kind of defensiveness or one-upmanship?
- Is there like a physical limiting factor for this active listening? Something like a mental stamina of sorts. Being stuck in a mode where you can't self disclose seems like it would wear people down.
Self discipline. This video is about listening. So, you are disciplining yourself to hear what another person is saying and then supporting them through the six techniques.
Hi Bruce, thanks for your interesting vids. But why are you fronsing your forehead when speaking ? A habit ? A style of being serious and focused ?
It’s not intentional.
Here is my favorite combination : complete silent 💯 focus on what the person is telling me with full awareness on listening rather than using that silent moment to think about what I am going to say next.
I have now master this technique to the point sometimes I have nothing to say at the end. Maybe just a wow.... or another short filler. It works. Try it.
Love that!
Good stuff! Thanks!
Glad you like it. Thank you.
He gets started at 2:30
5:52 reminds me of Malcom in the middle 😂
so helpful...thank you!
Thank you, Alyssa. Glad you found it to be useful.
what if you apply all those techniques and actually love hearing, chatting and converse with others but certain persons don't speak along with you (for many possible reasons: they may not like you, they may have prejudices against you, they are short of words people, they are shy or simply they are not interested in resonate with you because they feel they don't have common liked topics with you); should I keep asking to them:
"...c'mon tell me what you'd like to talk o express because I'd love hearing you..."?
I think that'd feel awkward and bothering for both of the "conversationalists" hence I'd just keep my mouth shut and I'd walk away: some people want to hear but some people don't want to be heard not even feel like speaking with you at all.
What's your take on situations like that, what should I'd do in cases like those?
I think you’re right. You just walk away. No technique is magical nothing works all the time for everyone
@@HowCommunicationWorks Thank you a lot for your reply, your reflective listening skills video and your whole YT channel: I appreciate this great knowledge which helps us a lot for everyday practical human life.
Hi, awesome summary, thank you! Could you do a video about your thoughts on clean communication/language?
Clean? Or clear?
@@HowCommunicationWorks hi, thank you for the question. I meant clean listening like described here www.thelisteningspace.co.uk/clean-language-2.
Everything in moderation... Labeling emotions can be a pitfall for some. A friend I have is on the spectrum and is constantly labeling emotions (incorrectly) mid conversation. She also uses the gentle encouragers like whack-a-mole. 😂
This one will crack you up:
I noticed that I tend to interrupt people while they talk. So, I made myself a rule that I'd wait 3 seconds to respond. The result? They rush to fill the gap, and I never get a chance to talk.
Ya gotta laff...
Be careful with mirroring. I knew someone who would repeat the last sentence of everything I said.
It was not effective.
It was not effective.
It was weird.
It was weird.
Also, I have noticed that backchanneling is so natural, that the absence of it, speaks volumes.
I noticed when I am talking with people I don't mesh with, or that I might be slightly annoyed with, I don't do it as often, and sometimes, if I am down right angry , will not at all.
I use What and how. Never use why.
I use mirroring
and finally paraphrasing.
I will use pausing and also labeling.
excuse me, did you ever know any female gymnasts personally?
@@mylesthomasandfriends838 what made you ask that question?
@@hernansanabria358 because my cousin Brooklyn who is 11 years old is a very serious gymnast and so is my niece.
@@mylesthomasandfriends838 No sorry. A little random of you to ask that. Lol
Sometimes just listening 👂 without speaking is really helpful. Positive body language towards the person you are engaged in conversation with. If you do labeling too much, you are actually overstepping the other persons personal boundaries. Keep that in mind, because in real life you might come across as a creep.
This is an excellent point. In any empathic conversation, the other person should do most of the talking. And yes, too much labeling can be bad.
Yes yes, uh huh, ok. So you would like me to like and subscribe, I see.
Exactly.
Nailed it.
Perfecto.
Encouragement and paraphrase.
Thank you
Have you given up on getting back to me? I like this one
I don’t know you.
@@HowCommunicationWorks Ye, I was just stating a question when people get ghosted in a business transaction using the Chris Voss technique.
I am in the international business since several years and know what I learnt?
LISTENING is by far the most effective skill to be developed but often the least acquired
Couldn’t agree more.
I am not sure why mirroring doesn't work for me. Often people think I am strange for doing it
I noticed i do some of these but not necessarily in a right way...